May 20, 2021 • 55 mins
Paul Denim’s real story.
Barbie Dream House realtor.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of Altimy, the one a
dish and your host Kevin pollogues that get involved with them.
I'll take overheard at a bar for four hundred. Who
was the first to say, I'm waxed and double backed
and ready for fun? But I digress. Let's meet Archimis
(00:22):
show no particular orders. Say hey to Chris Savarado, teacher
of future Funny Folks. When was your last trip to Costco?
And what did you snack? So my fiance has been
out of town. Yep, we usually go to Costco together,
but I don't know not to go to Costco. So
I went there by myself, not not three days ago.
(00:44):
Um Sunny Sunny's and didn't need anything. You mentioned her
and he had to bar. Yeah, okay, Well, so what
did I get? I got my protein shakes, I got
some my granola bars, that's right. I got spinach hummus. Healthy?
Are you? Oh? I'm very healthy. I'm very healthy. But
(01:06):
I also got I got a little bag of chocolates
for me too, A little little sweet treat, A little
sweet tree. Which one did you go with? The lint
lind Linden's top shelf. I can eat an entire pack
of Oreos, or I can just have two fancy ones,
two little fancy chocolates. Anything that backs you off eating
(01:28):
the whole sleeve of Oreos, that's right, that's right. Yeah,
looking there, it's Jackie d Ruth, a lady of the
Green Wall as a hostess. Do you recall any kitchen disasters? Yes, yes,
um Jackie. I just want to say that I've been
(01:49):
I've I've tuned into Jackie's and her husband pats um
Live baking challenges, and I recall a couple of disasters
there myself. You know, it's been wonderful fun. I'm just saying,
I are lots of disasters there. And I don't know
why I thought that you were meaning Kevin and as
if I don't know if you know this about me.
(02:09):
I thought you meant when I was like a hostess
at restaurants in your own home. Okay, because I was
at hostess at restaurants, many restaurants, and there were lots
of disasters. But I mentioned that, like he really knows me,
um oh, at my own house. I guess I'll talk
about the baby the baking. Yes, we decided we did
(02:32):
the challenge of Um Puff pastry because so many people
were like, do puff pastry? Do pup pastry, guys, and
so like you know what, they something like that. It's
I don't answer anyone's falls, please, and they all said
do pastry, and so we did. And it was the
(02:53):
biggest mistakes all of our lives. It took ten hours
and we're constantly like you're constantly doing ship and so
all of a sudden it's ten pm, are baked goods,
are finally ready to give to our friend, like to
get to our judges, and we haven't had dinner. We're
(03:15):
so pissed, and we were like, oh, we'll eat. Pat
was making a savory and I was making a sweet
and so we were like, oh, we'll eat his will
be our dinner. I don't know why he faked his
the way that he did. Um he did like a
what we're gonna be like cheese torts, but he instead
of doing the mini, he did one big fucking thing.
(03:35):
But it's so the puff Patie didn't fake, so it
was inedible. So we had a bowl of beans. It
was so bad. And thank you say hello to a
tool saying rarely needs a step stool. First car and
what happened to it. I was a Plymouth Horizon only
(03:58):
had am radio Manuel hearing. If you don't have Mandel steering,
if you don't know this one, you have to really
turn the wheel to get a U turn inside. Um.
The grill was broken. I one day rebbed it too
much and just the transmission gave out it. Revd it.
The court will read that back, revd it too much,
(04:19):
trying to be cool or something. It wasn't a car
to be cool in. But it was handed down from
one sister to another sister to me. Um. But that's
where I listened to Charles Osgood for a long time.
Oh wow, big name check at the end. There. Hey
there's Mark Gagliarny. Too cool for Jewel to listen to
(04:43):
these days. Uh favorite according artists listened to right now.
You know what I've been doing is I've been on
the news the other day that Broadway was coming back.
I busted out some more of the show tunes man,
and it had been a while. I was like, you
know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna listen too. I'm
gonna pull out the vinyl of Jesus Christ Superstar. I
(05:05):
have three different rents I have the video, I have
the movie Rent the Broadway cast and oh yeah, oh
you gotta get this, and then then the live Fox one,
big Rent fan, big Rent fan. Well you chose the
right one with j C. It's that the original. Well
I do it every Easter, is what I do? Is
(05:25):
I listened to that. It's a good Friday listen Jesus
Christ Superstar. So that was that pre day of the
Broadway announcement. Very very cool. Uh And last, but no
more dry towels for you if you think of it's
Joey Greer party Dasher, Were you ever the first to
arrive at a party in your life? Ever? Always, always, always, always,
always you can get the party going, Okay. I don't
(05:51):
understand why people go in there like mid stream or
at the very end, thing that's gonna spark it up,
Like you look, volcano doesn't erupt at the very end,
do you know what I mean? It starts, it goes
right like it's just sucking. It's like right, were Oh,
That's what I do. And a lot of times people
I like to go to people's houses and throw a party.
So people don't know that I'm throwing a part, but
(06:12):
I'm like like, hey, I'm the first guest here. People
are coming over, like what's going on? What's going on?
Happening to my house? Twice? I do remember like bubble
up for days and then Tool, Jesus, you had a
time to talk. You know what I'm saying, like, well,
need to do your car story and ship, dude, leave
a tool alone. Man. It's just like it's like, are
(06:34):
you crying? All right? Let's do a damn show all
of our scene suggestion from your listener, to emails or
from a patroon v I p s to become a
patron's part of the show and enjoy excludes ave content
another perks. Head on over to patreon dot com slash
if you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email. Hey,
we got a new email, please write to us that
(06:54):
Alchemy This email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. This
I've seen one comes from Patroon alcmaniac Hayley Bonds, who
wrote I ever one. I'm so pumped for Austin sketch Fest. Yeah,
we were two and it went super great. Also, Joey
(07:15):
talks about his friend Paul Denham and I'd love to
hear his origin story m all right, says here your
name is, last name is Denim. Do I have that correct? Denham?
Like the clothing yeah, m hmm what uh? What the
(07:37):
nationality and uh that's what I have? What the word
do your people come from? Was there a country behind
that name? M okay, yeah, no, I mean origin story origin,
got some fanly from Ireland. Excuse me, Storry, Sorry, sorry, sorry,
you don't have to answer that, Paul, Paul, what do
(07:58):
you just signed guessing? Ask them where their people come from?
I just I like to know a little bit about
everybody I talked to and listen once. Once you are
a close up magician, then you ask all you want.
But right now you're sending the guests in to see
the magician. Okay, right right, right, right right. I just
(08:18):
like I said, I'd like to know something about everybody,
like how your your dog? You know it is the
greatest dog. Don't bring up like, don't bring that, don't
bring up my personal history. No one's personal history is
your business anymore. Paul. Okay, okay, okay, okay, sorry Mr Denham,
Mr Denham, Yes, my apologies sincerely as well. How many
of your party just gonna be me today? So what happened?
(08:40):
Excuse me, excuse me. You don't have to answer that, Paul, Paul,
no more information. Oh yeah, just a little Whiskys hour
for me, just me and my lonesome. Oh hi, there
are you? Are you here by yourself too? I'm sorry
to pry, but I I'm here just seeing close up
matchup by myself, and I just like to meet people
here at the Little Magic Hut. I'm here alone to Sarah.
(09:03):
Sarah Jeans, nice to meet. How are you, Deborah Hat?
I have to say, I'm living my best life. I
recently got divorced and here I am enjoying it all
by myself that my husband would have never gone with
me too, and I'm feeling so good. Ladies, ladies, if
you could just lower your eyes per second, the magician
(09:25):
is going to walk to the room and he doesn't
want anybody to look at him. Right now, we're just look,
we're looking at each other. We're just you. Just lower
your eyes because he's about to make an entrance, but
he doesn't want to be seen before the show. This
is like ancient Egyptian pharaoh's stuff that you can't see him.
They field it from my radiance on one second. Your
(09:45):
magnificence shield from as I walked through us. Be careful,
it's please. Oh my god, my eye, my work, I
don't know. I hear the sounds of someone in need.
(10:08):
What is wrong with your eye? I can't find my
eye one moment the magic. Oh my god, my eyes.
Oh I'm looking at you. I'm so sorry. Show speak on,
the show, speak on. I figured get off of me.
I'm just letting you know I met to the bartender
house and know when the show starts. All right, my eyes,
(10:30):
now keep your eyes? Yes, he says, yes. Will you
please go back to the front. Will you please go
back to the front with Paul? Yes, Paul? Is it training,
Paul Harrison, listen up, we're gonna be changed around some
sol I'm going to that show. I'm going to the show.
(10:55):
I'm going to the show. I'm going to the show. Look,
you two are gonna be off of the checking duty.
Give you work out actual duty the Tiger ship. How's
the wife, by the way, sir, she uh she's still
doing okay? You serious? Are you seriously had to remove
all her bones? She's not doing well. I'm so so
(11:18):
happy to hear she's okay. Though. Yeah, she's stable part
of me. Mr Denham, Um, I have here that you
are a special guest, and because of that, the magician,
his majesty would like to see you in his dressing room. Okay,
you were, you were the doman at the front, right, Yeah,
I'm I do a lot. Also, before you leave, pick
(11:41):
a number? Um, should you be doing magic? Because if
you're just funny, you just go ahead and pick a
number before you leave. I got, I got one picked,
so say, well, that seems like you know. Can you
just tell me the number twelve? That's correct? Ok? All right,
I'm gonna report this to management. Is that Mr Tannem
(12:02):
entering my my dressing room? Yes, yes, it is, your majesty.
Right this way, you may kiss this ring that not
don't know, the one on the land. Keep kissing, keep kissing,
keeping keeping kissing that ring. That's good. I know you
(12:27):
all came here to see some amazing magic tonight. I
know you all. I think that you're going to see
an amazing show from me. Magic. I recently got all
the bones from my body removed. And if me being
here in front of you tonight isn't magic, then I
(12:50):
don't know what is and he bones singing Claire. Look,
I pulled all the strings I could. I got you
on stage? All right? Are we good? Give me more time?
Come on, I didn't even get the finished You just
(13:12):
think show no bones? What the hell? And the Magic Star?
What show is that? I have more tunes and they
have to do with me not having bones? Um take
my bones? Harrison? What are you doing? Um something? We
(13:32):
have an issue? Um. It seems that I walked into
the Majesty's dressing room and he was kissing Mr Dennam's
ring and it's going U. It's been a shift of power.
I don't know what's happening. It's like a volcano. Do
you need someone to build his time? Because I've got
a show. It seems like Mr Denim's in control. Clear,
just give me a second here. Okay, Harrison, you're telling
(13:55):
me that the magic transfer has happened. It's been initiated.
Is that what this is? Had my powers? God? Harrison, Harrison,
go clean up the Tiger ship. Now, Okay, your wife
is still in this wheelbarrow. Just make sure she doesn't
pull out of the wheelbarrow. What happened? You went into
(14:15):
a box? Harrison? Oh my god, Harrison. You're in a box.
I can hear you. Oh my god, the magic is escaping.
Oh god, I've been punning a box too. It's Mr Denham.
He's all put us all in our own individual class boxes.
(14:36):
Mr Dennam, as your assistant. I just want to say,
this is a thrill beyond belief, and there's anything I
can ever get you. Just raise your hand. I'll beat
your side and I will go and I will make
that magic happen. All right, Thank you, good to know
you go always you're a good man. Thank thank thank
you very much. Sir. Uh So, what will be first
(14:56):
on the list of things that I can provide you?
And by the way, your your brother did all back
and he will be at the second show tonight. I
hate my brother. Oh he ruined my childhood. You go,
your first task has arrived. Yes, anything, anything, you must
get rid of my brother. Now when you say get
rid of, please be specific. I want you to kill him. Okay,
(15:20):
and if I might, can I be a little creative
on how I Paul? Paul, come here. I don't know
where you' running through, but come here. I need your help. Yeah,
what's up? What's okay? Look? Whatever, you're on whatever you're doing.
I needed to drop it. Okay, I needed to drop it.
That's that's impossible. I need you to do right now. Okay,
what is this? What is this? What is this? Give
me that? Give me that stuff Master Denham's needs. Okay, Paul,
(15:42):
who's still running the Magic Hut? Huh you are that's right? Okay,
that's right, Okay, that's right. Okay, okay, okay, Now look,
I need new floors put in now. Okay, I'm sure
you tell Harrison about the floor he's doing Tiger Ship. Okay, okay, yeah,
(16:03):
I'll take a beer please. I drink beer. My my
brother is a magician here. Actually, so are you going
to buy us drinks too? Um? What do you? What
do you drink? Well? I know Deborah, now that I've
spent a few hours watching some clothes up magic here,
(16:23):
I know Devorah loves a Cosmopolitan. One Cosmo for Devorah,
sour for Deborah hat Okay, Um, It's it's a little
awkward because the guy who's bartendering now he used to
be the magician here and now he's the bartender and
it's a little awkward. But you know, one piece go
(16:45):
line for me? Okay, do you know how to make
the Peruvian drink? Piece? Lime? Is it? Give me a
give me a triple whiskey sour? Wait? What piece? Go? Lime? Magic?
All the things that started? Wow, Wow, magic, oh magic Castle.
(17:15):
You are the greatest. It seemed to comes to us
from Sydney, who wrote, Hello everyone, Gary is my new favor,
but Joey Grew will always hold a special place in
my heart. His album is tops. My suggestion is sweet,
simple and covered in plastic. It is Barbie Dreamhouse, Realtorn,
(17:37):
You're the best, Sydney from Canada. I don't know. I
don't know if we can afford this. I don't know.
I mean, it's it's three. It looks like your daughter
is really excited. I really, I really want it. Okay baby,
but turns into a party sauna. Did you know that
(17:59):
that's doesn't seem safe. That can't be good for the
electronics or the gears. Why did you need a party sauna?
Because you're not there, I'm gonna let you guys discuss. No,
you don't stay stay, tell her no, go away. I
don't want to hear that we're talking about. Look what
they don't you're having a party sauna thing because I'm
(18:21):
not around, I think. So you don't even know why
you're last you now you just want to you just
want to, you know, you know what was my fault.
It was my fault for saying, hey, I want to
give my daughter everything I can. You know what. I
went around the country and I built magic huts. I thought, hey,
I'm bringing a little magic to the world, real little happiness.
(18:44):
And what happened. I raked in billions of dollars billions.
We did. No, I didn't say, we know, Dad, Oh yeah,
you do know? You know what? You didn't rake in
though billions of minutes spent with me. Oh come, there's
not that you know who? Did you know? Who did
The homeless guy in front of our home? He raised me,
(19:06):
Chuck raised me. Dad. He's not homeless. He's a security guard.
Well he's not. He's not gonna be homeless. Once we
get this house, you're gonna give him that. So, Dr Barbie,
are you and kenn are getting a house for Cindy finally? Huh? Sorry?
Uh you all right? Dr Barbie? Yeah? I uh no, no,
(19:38):
that I just had have Do you believe in aliens?
I mean, of course I do. Yeah, but question. Yes,
I believe in aliens. I'll take a look at this
video on YouTube. Okay, I came in for my physical
(19:58):
But they are just like us, but lived far away.
Wait what but now they live closer. Hoop to your left,
Dr Barbie, Oh no, no, I didn't. Uh. There there's
a thing of cotton swabs and and tongue depressors and
(20:22):
some of the roll of paper for this table. I'm
on keep watch, keep wading keeping. I'm still watching the video.
The alien is you? Wait? Dr Barbie, I I have
to ask him. Did you show me the video of
that ends with you are the alien? Because you know
(20:43):
something that I I don't. Huh. Please use consonance. You
haven't used consonants since I walked in the door. Do
not pocket my phone? My phone back? All right? No,
I know I'm holding onto this phone until you tell
me whether or not an alien. Okay, Look for all
I know you might be Okay. Now, look, I haven't
(21:04):
spent a lot of time with my daughter, but you're
saying I'm distant from her distance planets, aliens, human beings.
Do you see where I'm going here? I mean, I
guess it could just be they don't spend enough time
with your daughter, or it could be that there's some
extra trust or present. I Uh, listen, I talked to
your father and he's at work right now, but I
(21:26):
just wanted to wait, being a doctor, tell you to
being a doctor. Okay. Uh So I just wanted to
find out more about what you said that he believed in,
because it really unnerved me and your brother. It's pretty simple, Mom,
(21:51):
he wasn't around and now he has to pay for it,
and Chuck's gonna live with me. Okay, okay, all right, okay,
how are you feeling? I'm not feeling a question. How
are you feel? It's not about me or my feelings?
Are my needs? Convertible a Corvette life? Listen, your father
will pay ultimately, but in the meantime, what I care
(22:14):
about most as you. When's the last time you kissed
a man? Monday? Monday, Cindy. You know, everything so far,
so good, but uh, you know, you're not moving as
many properties as we would like, so we're probably gonna
have to trim some of the sellings. Um. It's just
(22:35):
been such a hard year. I think thank for everybody.
You know, the market's a little lower, Barbies aren't so
hot anymore. Not to say there's anything wrong with the product,
but you know it's not. We're not in the nineties anymore.
What are you to say. I'm just I'm trying to say,
(22:58):
this is not I feel like you're putting blame on
me for the product not moving, and I feel like
it's the market. Um, so I was I put it
on Hasbro. I would put it on has Hasbro's blame
(23:18):
them instead of coming up with a solution that I
want to do that for as a placeholder until I
come up with a solution. Well, Cindy, look this is
what we gotta move. Okay, we gotta move that Barbie dreamhouse.
And then we also got to move this, uh this
Ninja turtle giant turtle shell that actually if you open
it up, it's a sewer headquarters. All right, So that's
got to be sold as well. Okay, I can do that.
(23:39):
I can definitely do that. Just um, let me take
care of it. Chuck chuck, Yeah, what is it? Oh
it's moving day? Moving day? Yeah, daddy bought me a
dream house with me. Get out of here, Really, Jesus,
(24:03):
chuck your blood all over your chest. It's it's nothing.
It's nothing, kid, it's look good. I'm not gonna lie
to you. I I got about an hour left in me,
but it's just long enough to see your dream mouse Wright.
(24:25):
Hold on, Chuck, before you say anything crazy, watch this
YouTube video because you never know. In the next hour
things could change. Oh okay, I'll be transforming, is what
I'm saying here. Press play? Are you a Werewolf? The
Navy Federal Credit Union offers some of the best credits.
(24:46):
The credit back to you anyway, ever, because it's because
the Navy is out there seconds and then we're skip. Hey, yeah,
you're the ad for that you just did was horrible.
But what the hell is your deal? Man? I'm the director?
(25:09):
Yeah maybe man, Okay, maybe dude. But you know what,
I see you all the time. You are the same
coffee shop every time I do something. Every time I'm
in any goddamn commercial, I'm any kind of project, you
come over to me and you just give me shit
about what I did. You this thousand yards stare on you? Man,
you got this stink on you? What do you want?
Maybe I just want to I think I got this one. Uh,
(25:31):
let's just go back to ones and try it again.
I think is what the director was trying to suggest.
Am I allowed to do that too? Can I get
some directions to Okay? Great? Um? Can you do me? Yeah,
listen to what is going on. She's background doesn't matter.
(25:56):
This is my show and to continue. Um, I would
like I personally would like to hear it. Um like
you're from either Australia or New Zealand wherever cano wherever
the um is it cano from? This is an American
credit Union? Why am I doing another country accent? If
(26:16):
you want to be a good actor from taking ideas,
I'm sorry. Continue you're saying something about Kano. Yeah, so
I just like, I just think like that would be
a cool direction and that actually would help me do
better at background pure gold? Do it do it that?
You don't even see her back is turned? What do
(26:37):
you mean to do better? Sounds bad marker? Nice off sticks, Tommy, sir, camera,
know what I'm doing? Is there a camera? Is that
what you ask a camera? Right now? It's just sound.
We're just going for sound right now, So go ahead, ready,
(26:57):
And do you know the name of the company, maybe
Navy Federal Credit Union. In the first take, that's what
you butchered. So that's why we want to make sure.
All right, action Nivey federal credit union cuts? Are you serious?
Excuse me? Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm my wife and
(27:21):
I are in from Iowa. We never seen a TV
show shooting before. What you guys making a commercial? Uh
So this lady over here gave suggestions. Are we allowed
to give suggestions to I do want to hear this? Actually,
I think my my wife said she she thinks that
(27:42):
what was it you said? Honey? Wanted him to to
have some longer accent and more specifically Sydney as a
more specific Sydney Australia accent, can you do because that
was more of perth. Also, you should wear an additional hat.
It's gonna happy. We're gonna be back here watching from here.
(28:03):
It's so fun. Thank you, Thank you for speaking up.
All right, let's get back to place this way. We're
gonna do that again. You got his direction, flying in
flying in half. We still don't have camera. That's fine,
we'll do audio again. We'll run it as audio. And
you well, ma'am, I'm looking at the house. Structurally, this
(28:23):
is unsafe, you know, do you want to buy it?
Is it unsafe as a dream. Nightmare. It's a nightmare.
Is it a turtle shell? Or is it an underground sewer? Daddy, please, Daddy,
you said you'd bough me something. Well, I mean we
(28:45):
just kind of stumbled upon this real estate agent. I
was thinking of, like I scream or something. This is
a multimillion dollar investment, so this is this is a
big junkle change here. Well, you're never around, so I
figured this might make up for it. God, damn, what
the hell are you saying? Sarious ass? Are you stay here? Man?
You can stay? You stay here? She shouldn't be here
(29:07):
when we're talking about something personal. Where are you when
I'm working? What are you doing? What are you doing? Snacks?
What the where's my gift? Huh? Oh you don't go.
Yeah you don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you don't know.
But I was supposed to go. This is three million dollars.
(29:28):
Welcome to Daddy's snack shop. What can I get you folks? Yeah,
this is the FBI. We're gonna have to shut this store. Now,
We're gonna have to shut it down. Oh my god,
is this like one of those practical joke shows? What's
gonna do? You have a badge or something, we can
look at you go and there it is. You just
(29:50):
take it all, boys, take it all. I mean I
just worked here. But yeah, well you're gonna get the
harshest punishment out there. I'm here to look for it.
Oh nevern, my y'all. Have a good day, good day, Okay,
just need your John Hancock here and here. Congratulations on
the purchase. By the way, it's beautiful home. Very excited
(30:12):
for you. I was supposed to sell it, but I can't,
right and oh no, it's sold and it belongs to you,
all right, so you're you're all set. We're gonna have
a set of keys. It's a sixty year fixed, sixty
(30:35):
year fixed mortgage. Sixty year sixty I mean, listen, your
credit score sort of suggested that we go the sixty years. Yeah,
and so congratulations for sure, thank you. I imagine most
people will be shocked to get even a sixty year
(30:57):
at long. So and look, you're aimants are only six
thousand a month, so that's not bad, all right. I
mean it's a big house. It's really big. I'm all
alone in my dream house. No one laying with me.
(31:20):
You've heard of now that I called that music one too.
Now now I call that music twenty four if it's out.
So here's all the hits on it. If you want
to love yourself, love that's not other songs on it.
Here's another song for the summertime. No one get hurt, no, no,
(31:42):
no one get hurt. You and love. So here's the
thing you can play with your partner. I sucked, you sucked,
we hugged. We the hell is this? This is the
gift you give me? Un sucked? I sucked? The hell
is this? Danny? You say you don't got gifts. I
get you a gift. Now? What is the name of
(32:03):
the CD? Now? Now? This is all the music that
I got Now but that he listen is? What do
you mean? It's just not working out for It's just
not working out for you. We're gonna have to separate,
all right. This feels like they're breaking up. We should
see other people. You should have another follower. I should
have another song. I hear you, d okay, little man,
(32:29):
Let's see if we can't find you the right match
here on. Don't you tell me a little bit about
yourself and what sort of I could say? Freeze? You're
under arrest, scum bag, you're under arrest. Okay, yeah, I'm
a kid, but I'm also undercover. Can't You can't set
up a matching service for your underage children. It just
doesn't work that way. Smile. You're on camera. Actually camera's
(32:53):
not here. We we just have sounds. Are you? Are
you the director? No? No, no, I'm hey. I'm just
the boom guy. Man. I'm not trying to but I'm
not trying to step any chiels. But if we're giving
for giving it, you know, thoughts, maybe you could do
the whole thing again in a Sydney accent. That's genius.
It's genius. I didn't think of it. Uh kid, roll
(33:13):
it again. That's gonna be that's gonna be quite impossible
for me. No, no, it's gonna be great. Unhandcuffed Barbie.
Dr Barbie? Huh Dr Barbie? Dr Barbie? Do I have
to do that at home? Dr Barbie? At home? Did
(33:33):
I go to eight years of school? Am I a doctor?
I mean I paid the cash. The least you could
do is use the name your doctor of physics. Yeah,
you're a medical doctors? Still doctor? Doctor? Okay, okay, you
(33:54):
know what called me doctor? That would be inaccurate. I
couldn't even call you magna, come loud, ken, I couldn't
even do that because I'm not that loud. I'm not
made a magma. That's not that Look, if you're a doctor,
then I'm a doctor too. All right, that's just the
rule of the house. Did you have something to say
to me? Excuse me? Let me get the door. All right. Yeah,
(34:17):
I was told I was put in a sauna and
the elevator m h. I was told to put it
this way. All right, Hi, welcome to my house. Are
you here to work on it? Aren't you here to
work on it? Excuse me? You know that other people voice?
You know? Because show me where the elevators. I'll get
to work, please, he boss. Maybe we should come back
(34:39):
another time. These folks seem to be fatting. It sounds
like the fighting boss. Once we start to work, they
gotta pay us. We stay in work. Hold on, wait
all right now, stop stop chuck. I said you could
play with me, But why are you going to bring
in three additional workers to the house. Okay, I already
have kennem Barbie. They're arguing over who's the doctor. That
makes sense, But then all of a sudden Okay, one
(34:59):
one sauna workers. Fine, you're part two additional assistance. Well,
look at this house. It's missing a whole side. You
can just grab the side of the house and the
whole thing swings open. You're probably gonna need some additional
workers to get that short up. You're right, you know what,
You're right. Okay, let's carry on. So Okay, I put
(35:21):
the ken here, I are we here, you go here.
I got these guys are on their union break over here.
I got a problem. I have a problem by me. Okay,
I can drink whenever I want. I'm fine, Okay, I'm fine.
You think that just because you can't ingest you can
drink any time that you want. It's still a problem
(35:43):
for me. It might not be a problem for you.
Could you please actually put that light inside of the
elevator that they do that I told you, Sindy can
ask you a question. Yeah, your parents having trouble. You're
laying rather aggressively, Yeah, Chuck, they are, Okay, just checking.
(36:06):
I'll be over here on the union break and moving
this stuff up into the sonator to scene to everyone.
See three comes from Patron v I P. Jake Bert
who wrote I just read an article about how Paris
Hilton is obsessed with cryptocurrency and n f T s.
(36:29):
She's even named her new pets crypto and eat them.
I think the scene suggestion could just be boiled down
to Paris Hilton is obsessed with crypto? Does that work? Jane?
Very on me to put the dogs and they go
to the backyard. There was a house of the dogs.
(36:51):
Put them right up my pussy them their mind. They're
my children there, my fur babies right right up there.
That a good. That's fitty dogs. Good. I think I'm
not personally trained to insert dogs into humans. And then
you can leave and I'm gonna find someone who can
Paris Paris for a second. Yeah, okay, I've been looking
(37:15):
at your monthly statements here all right, and it seems
you've been spending a little more time online. Is that true? Absolutely?
I love the Internet. I Paris, Come on, what is
it when I see you as just investing in cryptocurrency? No? No, no, no, no, okay,
we're the Hiltons. We deal with dogs. Daddy, stop trying
(37:37):
to tell me what to do. I am in my thirties.
You cannot role me anymore. I have money that isn't
even money, it's just zeros and ones. You know nothing. Now,
can you please find me someone who can stuff the dogs? No,
(38:00):
miss Hilton, I gotta tell you, it is such a
pleasure to have you here. Um, this is a coffee
being because we don't have actual office buildings, because that's
very archaic. You understand what I'm saying right, absolutely, honestly.
The only thing that was confusing to me was where's
the tea leaf? Hmm. Yeah. Well it's questions like that
(38:22):
that are gonna break ground in this new era of fungibles.
I'm sorry, Harrison, Harrison, give me one give me one second. Okay,
what are you doing? The bathrooms and the shiitter they
need to get cleaned down. Then we gotta don't I
(38:43):
get a break? Don't I got a break? Break? I
can work at my side. Hustle you had when you
came in thirty minutes late, that was your break. You're
acting so fucking fungible right now, Todd, what did you
say to me? Excuse me? Now, where where are we,
Miss Hilton? You've come to the right place. I have
a long history of putting things up people's pussy, So
(39:04):
there's a short list. Tesla, a Volkswagen bug, a pillow,
Teddy rucksmen, bear, that's not a car, Barbie House, the
Kent House, the Barbie Malibu. I put in a sheep. Uh,
that's just one. It's just the same as plural. So
that's why it's confusing. Um A ram Dodge, Ram ram truck. Hemmy,
(39:29):
it's just the engine of the ram truck. So I
could go on and on. We have pages. Yeah, I
mean I got sheep's galore, So take your pick. I
just need one. I need one sheet, can buy just one?
I got sheeps. I understand if I said I want
to buy a sheep and I didn't want you to
(39:49):
think it was plural. I just wanted sound of it.
Ain't gotten this, it ain't plural. Man, take me so
I can buy one? Can I buy that one the
right back there? Man? It over here? Man? Do you
want here? I got a lot of shapes. Yeah, I know,
I want that one back there. One that's kind of
staring at What do you mean? Man? What are you
talking about? Do you think that any word that doesn't
(40:09):
have an ass is blow? What are you trying to say?
I'd just like to buy that sheep and leave. Is
I supposed to be many sheep? Excuse me? Huh? Are you?
Are you in toxicated? You? Okay, so that I got
an ivy drip of whiskey sour, blow your mind, just drink. Okay, okay, Pairs,
(40:32):
explain to us again where all your money went? Okay,
I am your accountant. I'm not a magician, for goodness sake,
I don't work at the magic hut. Okay, I can
just make money appear. Where is all of it gone?
I took my cash, I invested it into some mutual funds,
some index funds, and then that that's just some of it.
The majority is actually invested into cryptocurrency and n f
(40:54):
T s. Now, these are a new online thing. I'm
also really into this guy behind you. Who's this guy? Who?
This guy here? This guy right here with the phone
in his hand. Every time my tweet, Paris buys it,
watch this bullshit and tweet Hey Paris, you want another
non fungible token. You're gonna have this tweet for five
(41:16):
thou dollars fault. Oh my god. Okay, we can't do this, Paris.
We can't do this. I can do literally anything. I
birthed my own dogs. I can do this currently show
you're currently showing Louis. I don't know what's going on,
but you, my friend, are in charge of Paris's finances,
(41:37):
are you not? Yes? That's correct. And everything I'm seeing
is the exact homicet of someone who should be in
control of someone's finances. Correct, Yes, Mr Helton, that is correct.
And if that was the case, that you were in
fact in charge of my daughter's finances, an individual who
I love so much, and that person who is supposed
to be in charge of that person was you, do
(41:58):
you think that I would be upset? Is that correct?
I'm sorry I lost? Is that correct? Yes, sir? Yes? Yes? Yes?
Or no, sir, I understand what you're getting. If you
could just put on these VR goggless for one second
where all of Paris's money has gone now in your mouth, sir,
(42:24):
you're no. You can see paris Is virtual museum right now.
Virtual museum? You mean a museum that's virtual. Ah, let's
check it out your mouth. It's a completely valid way
(42:50):
to invest your money. It's top shot, and a lot
of people are doing it. I paid seven thousand dollars
for one the other day, it's just as black. I
can then trade it the right shoot you off the stratosphere.
It looks like you're gonna fly off the stratosphere in Vegas.
And the tough shot you bought that ride. I've bought
that ride, and I can then trade it later for
(43:11):
more money. This is how investing is. You buy when
it's low, you sell when it's high. Everyone talks to
me like I'm some kind of fucking idiot, And let
me tell you, you all are idiots because you all
motherfucker's yes. Can you just pull the sheep out and
stop talking so much? We're worried for her health safety.
(43:33):
Excuse me, I can hear you, and the whole point
of stuffing it up there so that I can birth it,
so that I not so someone can rip it out
of me, so that I can birth it. Because it
is a fact that when something comes out of your body,
you are more in tune with it, and you're more
bonded with it. And when I want to have an animal,
I want to have a life partner, and the only
(43:53):
way to get that bond is to put it up
ground and take it out. I'd like to give you.
I would like my money on the sheep. Man, wait,
man are you talking about? Man? What what are you
talking about? And my money back on this sheep. I
can tell right now that sheep has been birthed. You
ain't getting your money back all you ain't gonna happen.
(44:16):
There's nothing in your policy that says you can't buy
something is within fifteen days fifteen day policy. I like
my money back. You can just read the bold print.
Read the bold print. It says no smoking, don't eat
chocolates in front of me. I like with excuse me, sir,
with the necklace? What is it? What do you want?
I was just right look tweets and making some okay, Parish,
(44:38):
I know, I know, and listen listen. Yeah, I need you.
I need you to stop. Okay. You are draining her okay,
and that's having an effect on me and my and
what it is. I do you understand? Oh you're that
accountant daunt you? Yes. I didn't recognize you without your
glasses on. Is why I don't recognize people when they
don't have put your glasses on. I don't put your
(45:00):
asses on. Okay, Hey, he put his glasses on and
tweet Paris, Okay, do you feel good about yourself, sir, Yeah,
I feel great about myself. Are you kidding me? Look
at this necklace. Have you ever seen a bigger necklace? No? Yeah,
it's the world's largest necklace. I bought it from alright,
(45:25):
So just so we're clear, this is the world's largest necklace.
You're alright. Let's go put your heads up, sick oh,
put your hands up, sicko doing your worlds and the
largest that's fucking guy here, let's go everything. I want everything.
You gotta arrest this guy. So you're just a big
(45:48):
time NFT seller. Huh. I used to be married. It
wasn't married anymore. I'm not married anymore. So that's a
weird last name. You got, hat Sarah. Yeah, that's strange. Well,
it's a family name, so maybe I'm part of the
family that owns hats. Never think about that nine never
(46:09):
have Yeah. Yeah, and I know what you're thinking. My
right eye looks fake, but it's actually my eye. It
was popped out by a magician and then popped right
back in. W m hmm. That's uh. I'm sorry, I
get a little lost. I don't know which one to
look at. Sorry, why don't you just look at my
(46:30):
forehead ready, between my eyes. I don't know which one, Paul,
where's Mr Denim? Where's Mr Denim? Paul? Mr Denham? He
was no, he works at he works at a counter
now selling dry goods? Are so okay? I need you
to make a call the biggest celebrity. You know. We
(46:52):
gotta get somebody here now. I don't care who it is.
I know you've got a roll index, Paul, I do
I do? I know exactly who to call. Okay, how
soon do you need him? Now? Now? Can I show? Okay, Okay, okay,
ball whatever you're doing, stop it right now. I just
second ring. Put that phone out of your part. Paris.
(47:17):
Who's calling you? It's my buddy, Paul. I have to
see what he's up to. Maybe I'll go okay, I'll
try to face time. Okay, Paris, Hey listen, I can't
talk right now, but I need to talk to you.
What are you doing later tonight? I'm fucking selling. I'm
buying and I'm buying. I'm selling. You know that's my like.
(47:41):
You're the best. I love you, I love talking with you.
We're gonna pull something out of you later tonight, I
promise all right, come on in, come on in and
kiss my ring, kiss it, kiss the rings. I'm sorry.
My buddy told me that I just had to come in,
(48:02):
pretend like I get chopped in half on stage, and
then I get to go home. He said, we'll start
as soon as you kissed the rings. Oh there it is, Claire.
I don't Claire, I don't know what to tell you. Okay,
Paris Hilton is crushing her right now. Okay, she's got magic.
She knows how to sing and dance. Well, I can't
use you, Claire. I know how to I know how
(48:24):
to sing, and you won't believe it because of the
whole no bones thing. But I can't dance. I can
still do this. I got it in here. Come on, hi,
I can do it on the Lady with No Bones sings.
It's her bonume. Two of songs coming up soon. It's
(48:45):
gonna have hits like Hi, Hey, I can do it.
Sometimes you're driving you you want to hear some fun
music like m zim jim. Come into my boom boom,
let's go to the room room. It's back and buck
the hell? What is this? No? Not? What is she?
(49:08):
Listen to me? This is not one of the weirdest
gifts I ever got, Daddy, Daddy, No, not only did
I bring you the music, but I prid you the
artist and this wheelbarrow? What she? Wait? Wait? Wait? What
if I give you the world's biggest necklace? Yeah, I'm listening,
(49:29):
all right, All you got it? Well, you mean you
want to buy my necklace off of me? This is
the world's biggest necklace. Nobody buys his necklace off of me. Look,
you want another world's biggest necklace. I'm sure they made more, Slam.
What what is it? Still this? I'm not gonna open
(49:51):
this door if it's the same person still outside, now
tell me, is it the same person that just asked
me to sell them my prize possession. They're not saying anything.
Maybe I should open the door and see that's son
of it? It is you Slam looking for a necklace,
(50:13):
That's what I hear. I get things, all right, I
got a vast network. You just tell me what you're
looking for, and I make it happens. Sir, sir, I'm
looking for a special necklace, maybe a necklace that You're
not a cop? Are you no? Because I deal and
stolen goods, so could you steal a necklace from inside
(50:34):
of a woman, and I can give that to my
poppy happy dad father. Drug You don't do you have
a good father favor in your life. I'm trying. I'm
working on that, sir. I'm working on that right now
as we speak. If you could pull a necklace out
of it another human being and I could give that
to my father, that my man, no relationship. I do
know a man who keeps the necklace in his buttocks.
(50:59):
Is that what you're looking like? If it's got a
little smell on it, well, that still work. I gotta
get going. Thank you someone town. It's a really nice necklace.
But my eyes are going crazy. I don't know what
it is, but my eyes are just we're good. I
can't see you to hug yet, I can't find you.
(51:23):
You're just crying, Daddy. You're just crying. Kid. I don't
feel so good. I don't know what it is. But
I never told you I'm definitely allergic to ship. Why
would you tell me that now, Daddy? I love your son.
I don't know. I've never told you before. I want
(51:44):
to give you something someone, Yeah, okay, I'm listening. You
know what was it? What you want to distract someone
who about someone coming back, but they're recording it on
their phone. They call I can sell with this, daddy.
I just want to tell you and tweet that's our show.
(52:11):
Half of my happiness is draining out of my nose. Right,
all right, let's thank our alchemists so very very very
very much, starting with Jackie d Ruthie. I hope you
the rest of your birthday week turns out as spectacular,
and thank you so much for joining us. Thank you,
thank you for having me. It's always so fun. Yeah. Yeah,
(52:34):
I'm it's my birthday week and I'm living it up
and I'm at Jackie Druthy on on the socials. That's
where I'm perfect perfect. Thankank you, Mark Gagard, goodness gracious,
so good to see you guys. This always is a delight. Yeah,
and happy two weeks past your birthday. Thanks. It's I'm
having a very merry on birthday. Yeah, and to to
(52:56):
to all of you as well, a very merry on birthday.
They're more adventure hours. Yeah, we're doing We've got another
thrilling adventure our show coming up. I think we're doing
another show and tell show, which is what we are
on the cast of The Thrilling Adventure. Our breaks out
our old clips from when we were just starting out
(53:17):
or child actors or in high school doing plays. So
that's on June tenth. I believe we're gonna be doing
that at our gags and it'll be it'll be post,
it'll be up there, all right. Thank you so much
again a tool sing you as well. My goodness, thank you. Thanks.
I left a lot that was that was fun, that
was so much. Yeah, thank you at a tool time
(53:42):
is my socials? Uh and yeah, you can follow me
there and see what I'm up to. Fantastic Chrisofer, I
don't thank you as always. Two things. One, Kevin Pollock,
I love you so much, but I mean it's gotta
say that I love you never fucking dream you're one
of my best friends, all right, right at to Mark,
I said, it's the last time you're here. I love
(54:02):
that your actual home looks like a zoom back and
it's such a compliment to your home because that's I
just love that. So again, you can hear this or
you can see this if you're a Patreon supporter. Is
that correct? Excellent point. Thank you for pointing that out.
The video only available to the patron subscribers. Yes, nicely done,
Sir Joey Grahman. Thank you as always. Oh, thank you.
(54:25):
I was just about jump in there, I mean my bad.
Thank you for having me and everyone else who's here
now check out alchemy, this Instagram, alchemy, this pod on Reddit,
and you know, bear supply myself Teney to other people
you've never met who cares about him. We do a
stream on twitch twitch dot tv backslast bs comedy or
(54:47):
forward slash I don't know whatever the slash that's correct,
forward slash every Wednesday at eight o'clock specific time. Checking
out so twitch twitch dot tv. You know what, dude?
You know what? Dude? Like? Are you crying? Joy? Let's
thank our engineering producing the stars, Mr Doug Bane. Fine,
(55:09):
folks that I heard media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock
reminding you to please be kind to each other and
tell everyone you've ever met to watch the show if
you can. If not, just listen to it and please
do that and write a review and all that stuff. Um,
but yeah, keep wearing your masks and be kind to
each other, and um, we love you and thank you.
(55:30):
Until next time. Sweet sweet
Welcome back to another episode of Altimy, the one a
dish and your host Kevin pollogues that get involved with them.
I'll take overheard at a bar for four hundred. Who
was the first to say, I'm waxed and double backed
and ready for fun? But I digress. Let's meet Archimis
(00:22):
show no particular orders. Say hey to Chris Savarado, teacher
of future Funny Folks. When was your last trip to Costco?
And what did you snack? So my fiance has been
out of town. Yep, we usually go to Costco together,
but I don't know not to go to Costco. So
I went there by myself, not not three days ago.
(00:44):
Um Sunny Sunny's and didn't need anything. You mentioned her
and he had to bar. Yeah, okay, Well, so what
did I get? I got my protein shakes, I got
some my granola bars, that's right. I got spinach hummus. Healthy?
Are you? Oh? I'm very healthy. I'm very healthy. But
(01:06):
I also got I got a little bag of chocolates
for me too, A little little sweet treat, A little
sweet tree. Which one did you go with? The lint
lind Linden's top shelf. I can eat an entire pack
of Oreos, or I can just have two fancy ones,
two little fancy chocolates. Anything that backs you off eating
(01:28):
the whole sleeve of Oreos, that's right, that's right. Yeah,
looking there, it's Jackie d Ruth, a lady of the
Green Wall as a hostess. Do you recall any kitchen disasters? Yes, yes,
um Jackie. I just want to say that I've been
(01:49):
I've I've tuned into Jackie's and her husband pats um
Live baking challenges, and I recall a couple of disasters
there myself. You know, it's been wonderful fun. I'm just saying,
I are lots of disasters there. And I don't know
why I thought that you were meaning Kevin and as
if I don't know if you know this about me.
(02:09):
I thought you meant when I was like a hostess
at restaurants in your own home. Okay, because I was
at hostess at restaurants, many restaurants, and there were lots
of disasters. But I mentioned that, like he really knows me,
um oh, at my own house. I guess I'll talk
about the baby the baking. Yes, we decided we did
(02:32):
the challenge of Um Puff pastry because so many people
were like, do puff pastry? Do pup pastry, guys, and
so like you know what, they something like that. It's
I don't answer anyone's falls, please, and they all said
do pastry, and so we did. And it was the
(02:53):
biggest mistakes all of our lives. It took ten hours
and we're constantly like you're constantly doing ship and so
all of a sudden it's ten pm, are baked goods,
are finally ready to give to our friend, like to
get to our judges, and we haven't had dinner. We're
(03:15):
so pissed, and we were like, oh, we'll eat. Pat
was making a savory and I was making a sweet
and so we were like, oh, we'll eat his will
be our dinner. I don't know why he faked his
the way that he did. Um he did like a
what we're gonna be like cheese torts, but he instead
of doing the mini, he did one big fucking thing.
(03:35):
But it's so the puff Patie didn't fake, so it
was inedible. So we had a bowl of beans. It
was so bad. And thank you say hello to a
tool saying rarely needs a step stool. First car and
what happened to it. I was a Plymouth Horizon only
(03:58):
had am radio Manuel hearing. If you don't have Mandel steering,
if you don't know this one, you have to really
turn the wheel to get a U turn inside. Um.
The grill was broken. I one day rebbed it too
much and just the transmission gave out it. Revd it.
The court will read that back, revd it too much,
(04:19):
trying to be cool or something. It wasn't a car
to be cool in. But it was handed down from
one sister to another sister to me. Um. But that's
where I listened to Charles Osgood for a long time.
Oh wow, big name check at the end. There. Hey
there's Mark Gagliarny. Too cool for Jewel to listen to
(04:43):
these days. Uh favorite according artists listened to right now.
You know what I've been doing is I've been on
the news the other day that Broadway was coming back.
I busted out some more of the show tunes man,
and it had been a while. I was like, you
know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna listen too. I'm
gonna pull out the vinyl of Jesus Christ Superstar. I
(05:05):
have three different rents I have the video, I have
the movie Rent the Broadway cast and oh yeah, oh
you gotta get this, and then then the live Fox one,
big Rent fan, big Rent fan. Well you chose the
right one with j C. It's that the original. Well
I do it every Easter, is what I do? Is
(05:25):
I listened to that. It's a good Friday listen Jesus
Christ Superstar. So that was that pre day of the
Broadway announcement. Very very cool. Uh And last, but no
more dry towels for you if you think of it's
Joey Greer party Dasher, Were you ever the first to
arrive at a party in your life? Ever? Always, always, always, always,
always you can get the party going, Okay. I don't
(05:51):
understand why people go in there like mid stream or
at the very end, thing that's gonna spark it up,
Like you look, volcano doesn't erupt at the very end,
do you know what I mean? It starts, it goes
right like it's just sucking. It's like right, were Oh,
That's what I do. And a lot of times people
I like to go to people's houses and throw a party.
So people don't know that I'm throwing a part, but
(06:12):
I'm like like, hey, I'm the first guest here. People
are coming over, like what's going on? What's going on?
Happening to my house? Twice? I do remember like bubble
up for days and then Tool, Jesus, you had a
time to talk. You know what I'm saying, like, well,
need to do your car story and ship, dude, leave
a tool alone. Man. It's just like it's like, are
(06:34):
you crying? All right? Let's do a damn show all
of our scene suggestion from your listener, to emails or
from a patroon v I p s to become a
patron's part of the show and enjoy excludes ave content
another perks. Head on over to patreon dot com slash
if you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email. Hey,
we got a new email, please write to us that
(06:54):
Alchemy This email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. This
I've seen one comes from Patroon alcmaniac Hayley Bonds, who
wrote I ever one. I'm so pumped for Austin sketch Fest. Yeah,
we were two and it went super great. Also, Joey
(07:15):
talks about his friend Paul Denham and I'd love to
hear his origin story m all right, says here your
name is, last name is Denim. Do I have that correct? Denham?
Like the clothing yeah, m hmm what uh? What the
(07:37):
nationality and uh that's what I have? What the word
do your people come from? Was there a country behind
that name? M okay, yeah, no, I mean origin story origin,
got some fanly from Ireland. Excuse me, Storry, Sorry, sorry, sorry,
you don't have to answer that, Paul, Paul, what do
(07:58):
you just signed guessing? Ask them where their people come from?
I just I like to know a little bit about
everybody I talked to and listen once. Once you are
a close up magician, then you ask all you want.
But right now you're sending the guests in to see
the magician. Okay, right right, right, right right. I just
(08:18):
like I said, I'd like to know something about everybody,
like how your your dog? You know it is the
greatest dog. Don't bring up like, don't bring that, don't
bring up my personal history. No one's personal history is
your business anymore. Paul. Okay, okay, okay, okay, sorry Mr Denham,
Mr Denham, Yes, my apologies sincerely as well. How many
of your party just gonna be me today? So what happened?
(08:40):
Excuse me, excuse me. You don't have to answer that, Paul, Paul,
no more information. Oh yeah, just a little Whiskys hour
for me, just me and my lonesome. Oh hi, there
are you? Are you here by yourself too? I'm sorry
to pry, but I I'm here just seeing close up
matchup by myself, and I just like to meet people
here at the Little Magic Hut. I'm here alone to Sarah.
(09:03):
Sarah Jeans, nice to meet. How are you, Deborah Hat?
I have to say, I'm living my best life. I
recently got divorced and here I am enjoying it all
by myself that my husband would have never gone with
me too, and I'm feeling so good. Ladies, ladies, if
you could just lower your eyes per second, the magician
(09:25):
is going to walk to the room and he doesn't
want anybody to look at him. Right now, we're just look,
we're looking at each other. We're just you. Just lower
your eyes because he's about to make an entrance, but
he doesn't want to be seen before the show. This
is like ancient Egyptian pharaoh's stuff that you can't see him.
They field it from my radiance on one second. Your
(09:45):
magnificence shield from as I walked through us. Be careful,
it's please. Oh my god, my eye, my work, I
don't know. I hear the sounds of someone in need.
(10:08):
What is wrong with your eye? I can't find my
eye one moment the magic. Oh my god, my eyes.
Oh I'm looking at you. I'm so sorry. Show speak on,
the show, speak on. I figured get off of me.
I'm just letting you know I met to the bartender
house and know when the show starts. All right, my eyes,
(10:30):
now keep your eyes? Yes, he says, yes. Will you
please go back to the front. Will you please go
back to the front with Paul? Yes, Paul? Is it training,
Paul Harrison, listen up, we're gonna be changed around some
sol I'm going to that show. I'm going to the show.
(10:55):
I'm going to the show. I'm going to the show. Look,
you two are gonna be off of the checking duty.
Give you work out actual duty the Tiger ship. How's
the wife, by the way, sir, she uh she's still
doing okay? You serious? Are you seriously had to remove
all her bones? She's not doing well. I'm so so
(11:18):
happy to hear she's okay. Though. Yeah, she's stable part
of me. Mr Denham, Um, I have here that you
are a special guest, and because of that, the magician,
his majesty would like to see you in his dressing room. Okay,
you were, you were the doman at the front, right, Yeah,
I'm I do a lot. Also, before you leave, pick
(11:41):
a number? Um, should you be doing magic? Because if
you're just funny, you just go ahead and pick a
number before you leave. I got, I got one picked,
so say, well, that seems like you know. Can you
just tell me the number twelve? That's correct? Ok? All right,
I'm gonna report this to management. Is that Mr Tannem
(12:02):
entering my my dressing room? Yes, yes, it is, your majesty.
Right this way, you may kiss this ring that not
don't know, the one on the land. Keep kissing, keep kissing,
keeping keeping kissing that ring. That's good. I know you
(12:27):
all came here to see some amazing magic tonight. I
know you all. I think that you're going to see
an amazing show from me. Magic. I recently got all
the bones from my body removed. And if me being
here in front of you tonight isn't magic, then I
(12:50):
don't know what is and he bones singing Claire. Look,
I pulled all the strings I could. I got you
on stage? All right? Are we good? Give me more time?
Come on, I didn't even get the finished You just
(13:12):
think show no bones? What the hell? And the Magic Star?
What show is that? I have more tunes and they
have to do with me not having bones? Um take
my bones? Harrison? What are you doing? Um something? We
(13:32):
have an issue? Um. It seems that I walked into
the Majesty's dressing room and he was kissing Mr Dennam's
ring and it's going U. It's been a shift of power.
I don't know what's happening. It's like a volcano. Do
you need someone to build his time? Because I've got
a show. It seems like Mr Denim's in control. Clear,
just give me a second here. Okay, Harrison, you're telling
(13:55):
me that the magic transfer has happened. It's been initiated.
Is that what this is? Had my powers? God? Harrison, Harrison,
go clean up the Tiger ship. Now, Okay, your wife
is still in this wheelbarrow. Just make sure she doesn't
pull out of the wheelbarrow. What happened? You went into
(14:15):
a box? Harrison? Oh my god, Harrison. You're in a box.
I can hear you. Oh my god, the magic is escaping.
Oh god, I've been punning a box too. It's Mr Denham.
He's all put us all in our own individual class boxes.
(14:36):
Mr Dennam, as your assistant. I just want to say,
this is a thrill beyond belief, and there's anything I
can ever get you. Just raise your hand. I'll beat
your side and I will go and I will make
that magic happen. All right, Thank you, good to know
you go always you're a good man. Thank thank thank
you very much. Sir. Uh So, what will be first
(14:56):
on the list of things that I can provide you?
And by the way, your your brother did all back
and he will be at the second show tonight. I
hate my brother. Oh he ruined my childhood. You go,
your first task has arrived. Yes, anything, anything, you must
get rid of my brother. Now when you say get
rid of, please be specific. I want you to kill him. Okay,
(15:20):
and if I might, can I be a little creative
on how I Paul? Paul, come here. I don't know
where you' running through, but come here. I need your help. Yeah,
what's up? What's okay? Look? Whatever, you're on whatever you're doing.
I needed to drop it. Okay, I needed to drop it.
That's that's impossible. I need you to do right now. Okay,
what is this? What is this? What is this? Give
me that? Give me that stuff Master Denham's needs. Okay, Paul,
(15:42):
who's still running the Magic Hut? Huh you are that's right? Okay,
that's right, Okay, that's right. Okay, okay, okay, Now look,
I need new floors put in now. Okay, I'm sure
you tell Harrison about the floor he's doing Tiger Ship. Okay, okay, yeah,
(16:03):
I'll take a beer please. I drink beer. My my
brother is a magician here. Actually, so are you going
to buy us drinks too? Um? What do you? What
do you drink? Well? I know Deborah, now that I've
spent a few hours watching some clothes up magic here,
(16:23):
I know Devorah loves a Cosmopolitan. One Cosmo for Devorah,
sour for Deborah hat Okay, Um, It's it's a little
awkward because the guy who's bartendering now he used to
be the magician here and now he's the bartender and
it's a little awkward. But you know, one piece go
(16:45):
line for me? Okay, do you know how to make
the Peruvian drink? Piece? Lime? Is it? Give me a
give me a triple whiskey sour? Wait? What piece? Go? Lime? Magic?
All the things that started? Wow, Wow, magic, oh magic Castle.
(17:15):
You are the greatest. It seemed to comes to us
from Sydney, who wrote, Hello everyone, Gary is my new favor,
but Joey Grew will always hold a special place in
my heart. His album is tops. My suggestion is sweet,
simple and covered in plastic. It is Barbie Dreamhouse, Realtorn,
(17:37):
You're the best, Sydney from Canada. I don't know. I
don't know if we can afford this. I don't know.
I mean, it's it's three. It looks like your daughter
is really excited. I really, I really want it. Okay baby,
but turns into a party sauna. Did you know that
(17:59):
that's doesn't seem safe. That can't be good for the
electronics or the gears. Why did you need a party sauna?
Because you're not there, I'm gonna let you guys discuss. No,
you don't stay stay, tell her no, go away. I
don't want to hear that we're talking about. Look what
they don't you're having a party sauna thing because I'm
(18:21):
not around, I think. So you don't even know why
you're last you now you just want to you just
want to, you know, you know what was my fault.
It was my fault for saying, hey, I want to
give my daughter everything I can. You know what. I
went around the country and I built magic huts. I thought, hey,
I'm bringing a little magic to the world, real little happiness.
(18:44):
And what happened. I raked in billions of dollars billions.
We did. No, I didn't say, we know, Dad, Oh yeah,
you do know? You know what? You didn't rake in
though billions of minutes spent with me. Oh come, there's
not that you know who? Did you know? Who did
The homeless guy in front of our home? He raised me,
(19:06):
Chuck raised me. Dad. He's not homeless. He's a security guard.
Well he's not. He's not gonna be homeless. Once we
get this house, you're gonna give him that. So, Dr Barbie,
are you and kenn are getting a house for Cindy finally? Huh? Sorry?
Uh you all right? Dr Barbie? Yeah? I uh no, no,
(19:38):
that I just had have Do you believe in aliens?
I mean, of course I do. Yeah, but question. Yes,
I believe in aliens. I'll take a look at this
video on YouTube. Okay, I came in for my physical
(19:58):
But they are just like us, but lived far away.
Wait what but now they live closer. Hoop to your left,
Dr Barbie, Oh no, no, I didn't. Uh. There there's
a thing of cotton swabs and and tongue depressors and
(20:22):
some of the roll of paper for this table. I'm
on keep watch, keep wading keeping. I'm still watching the video.
The alien is you? Wait? Dr Barbie, I I have
to ask him. Did you show me the video of
that ends with you are the alien? Because you know
(20:43):
something that I I don't. Huh. Please use consonance. You
haven't used consonants since I walked in the door. Do
not pocket my phone? My phone back? All right? No,
I know I'm holding onto this phone until you tell
me whether or not an alien. Okay, Look for all
I know you might be Okay. Now, look, I haven't
(21:04):
spent a lot of time with my daughter, but you're
saying I'm distant from her distance planets, aliens, human beings.
Do you see where I'm going here? I mean, I
guess it could just be they don't spend enough time
with your daughter, or it could be that there's some
extra trust or present. I Uh, listen, I talked to
your father and he's at work right now, but I
(21:26):
just wanted to wait, being a doctor, tell you to
being a doctor. Okay. Uh So I just wanted to
find out more about what you said that he believed in,
because it really unnerved me and your brother. It's pretty simple, Mom,
(21:51):
he wasn't around and now he has to pay for it,
and Chuck's gonna live with me. Okay, okay, all right, okay,
how are you feeling? I'm not feeling a question. How
are you feel? It's not about me or my feelings?
Are my needs? Convertible a Corvette life? Listen, your father
will pay ultimately, but in the meantime, what I care
(22:14):
about most as you. When's the last time you kissed
a man? Monday? Monday, Cindy. You know, everything so far,
so good, but uh, you know, you're not moving as
many properties as we would like, so we're probably gonna
have to trim some of the sellings. Um. It's just
(22:35):
been such a hard year. I think thank for everybody.
You know, the market's a little lower, Barbies aren't so
hot anymore. Not to say there's anything wrong with the product,
but you know it's not. We're not in the nineties anymore.
What are you to say. I'm just I'm trying to say,
(22:58):
this is not I feel like you're putting blame on
me for the product not moving, and I feel like
it's the market. Um, so I was I put it
on Hasbro. I would put it on has Hasbro's blame
(23:18):
them instead of coming up with a solution that I
want to do that for as a placeholder until I
come up with a solution. Well, Cindy, look this is
what we gotta move. Okay, we gotta move that Barbie dreamhouse.
And then we also got to move this, uh this
Ninja turtle giant turtle shell that actually if you open
it up, it's a sewer headquarters. All right, So that's
got to be sold as well. Okay, I can do that.
(23:39):
I can definitely do that. Just um, let me take
care of it. Chuck chuck, Yeah, what is it? Oh
it's moving day? Moving day? Yeah, daddy bought me a
dream house with me. Get out of here, Really, Jesus,
(24:03):
chuck your blood all over your chest. It's it's nothing.
It's nothing, kid, it's look good. I'm not gonna lie
to you. I I got about an hour left in me,
but it's just long enough to see your dream mouse Wright.
(24:25):
Hold on, Chuck, before you say anything crazy, watch this
YouTube video because you never know. In the next hour
things could change. Oh okay, I'll be transforming, is what
I'm saying here. Press play? Are you a Werewolf? The
Navy Federal Credit Union offers some of the best credits.
(24:46):
The credit back to you anyway, ever, because it's because
the Navy is out there seconds and then we're skip. Hey, yeah,
you're the ad for that you just did was horrible.
But what the hell is your deal? Man? I'm the director?
(25:09):
Yeah maybe man, Okay, maybe dude. But you know what,
I see you all the time. You are the same
coffee shop every time I do something. Every time I'm
in any goddamn commercial, I'm any kind of project, you
come over to me and you just give me shit
about what I did. You this thousand yards stare on you? Man,
you got this stink on you? What do you want?
Maybe I just want to I think I got this one. Uh,
(25:31):
let's just go back to ones and try it again.
I think is what the director was trying to suggest.
Am I allowed to do that too? Can I get
some directions to Okay? Great? Um? Can you do me? Yeah,
listen to what is going on. She's background doesn't matter.
(25:56):
This is my show and to continue. Um, I would
like I personally would like to hear it. Um like
you're from either Australia or New Zealand wherever cano wherever
the um is it cano from? This is an American
credit Union? Why am I doing another country accent? If
(26:16):
you want to be a good actor from taking ideas,
I'm sorry. Continue you're saying something about Kano. Yeah, so
I just like, I just think like that would be
a cool direction and that actually would help me do
better at background pure gold? Do it do it that?
You don't even see her back is turned? What do
(26:37):
you mean to do better? Sounds bad marker? Nice off sticks, Tommy, sir, camera,
know what I'm doing? Is there a camera? Is that
what you ask a camera? Right now? It's just sound.
We're just going for sound right now, So go ahead, ready,
(26:57):
And do you know the name of the company, maybe
Navy Federal Credit Union. In the first take, that's what
you butchered. So that's why we want to make sure.
All right, action Nivey federal credit union cuts? Are you serious?
Excuse me? Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm my wife and
(27:21):
I are in from Iowa. We never seen a TV
show shooting before. What you guys making a commercial? Uh
So this lady over here gave suggestions. Are we allowed
to give suggestions to I do want to hear this? Actually,
I think my my wife said she she thinks that
(27:42):
what was it you said? Honey? Wanted him to to
have some longer accent and more specifically Sydney as a
more specific Sydney Australia accent, can you do because that
was more of perth. Also, you should wear an additional hat.
It's gonna happy. We're gonna be back here watching from here.
(28:03):
It's so fun. Thank you, Thank you for speaking up.
All right, let's get back to place this way. We're
gonna do that again. You got his direction, flying in
flying in half. We still don't have camera. That's fine,
we'll do audio again. We'll run it as audio. And
you well, ma'am, I'm looking at the house. Structurally, this
(28:23):
is unsafe, you know, do you want to buy it?
Is it unsafe as a dream. Nightmare. It's a nightmare.
Is it a turtle shell? Or is it an underground sewer? Daddy, please, Daddy,
you said you'd bough me something. Well, I mean we
(28:45):
just kind of stumbled upon this real estate agent. I
was thinking of, like I scream or something. This is
a multimillion dollar investment, so this is this is a
big junkle change here. Well, you're never around, so I
figured this might make up for it. God, damn, what
the hell are you saying? Sarious ass? Are you stay here? Man?
You can stay? You stay here? She shouldn't be here
(29:07):
when we're talking about something personal. Where are you when
I'm working? What are you doing? What are you doing? Snacks?
What the where's my gift? Huh? Oh you don't go.
Yeah you don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you don't know.
But I was supposed to go. This is three million dollars.
(29:28):
Welcome to Daddy's snack shop. What can I get you folks? Yeah,
this is the FBI. We're gonna have to shut this store. Now,
We're gonna have to shut it down. Oh my god,
is this like one of those practical joke shows? What's
gonna do? You have a badge or something, we can
look at you go and there it is. You just
(29:50):
take it all, boys, take it all. I mean I
just worked here. But yeah, well you're gonna get the
harshest punishment out there. I'm here to look for it.
Oh nevern, my y'all. Have a good day, good day, Okay,
just need your John Hancock here and here. Congratulations on
the purchase. By the way, it's beautiful home. Very excited
(30:12):
for you. I was supposed to sell it, but I can't,
right and oh no, it's sold and it belongs to you,
all right, so you're you're all set. We're gonna have
a set of keys. It's a sixty year fixed, sixty
(30:35):
year fixed mortgage. Sixty year sixty I mean, listen, your
credit score sort of suggested that we go the sixty years. Yeah,
and so congratulations for sure, thank you. I imagine most
people will be shocked to get even a sixty year
(30:57):
at long. So and look, you're aimants are only six
thousand a month, so that's not bad, all right. I
mean it's a big house. It's really big. I'm all
alone in my dream house. No one laying with me.
(31:20):
You've heard of now that I called that music one too.
Now now I call that music twenty four if it's out.
So here's all the hits on it. If you want
to love yourself, love that's not other songs on it.
Here's another song for the summertime. No one get hurt, no, no,
(31:42):
no one get hurt. You and love. So here's the
thing you can play with your partner. I sucked, you sucked,
we hugged. We the hell is this? This is the
gift you give me? Un sucked? I sucked? The hell
is this? Danny? You say you don't got gifts. I
get you a gift. Now? What is the name of
(32:03):
the CD? Now? Now? This is all the music that
I got Now but that he listen is? What do
you mean? It's just not working out for It's just
not working out for you. We're gonna have to separate,
all right. This feels like they're breaking up. We should
see other people. You should have another follower. I should
have another song. I hear you, d okay, little man,
(32:29):
Let's see if we can't find you the right match
here on. Don't you tell me a little bit about
yourself and what sort of I could say? Freeze? You're
under arrest, scum bag, you're under arrest. Okay, yeah, I'm
a kid, but I'm also undercover. Can't You can't set
up a matching service for your underage children. It just
doesn't work that way. Smile. You're on camera. Actually camera's
(32:53):
not here. We we just have sounds. Are you? Are
you the director? No? No, no, I'm hey. I'm just
the boom guy. Man. I'm not trying to but I'm
not trying to step any chiels. But if we're giving
for giving it, you know, thoughts, maybe you could do
the whole thing again in a Sydney accent. That's genius.
It's genius. I didn't think of it. Uh kid, roll
(33:13):
it again. That's gonna be that's gonna be quite impossible
for me. No, no, it's gonna be great. Unhandcuffed Barbie.
Dr Barbie? Huh Dr Barbie? Dr Barbie? Do I have
to do that at home? Dr Barbie? At home? Did
(33:33):
I go to eight years of school? Am I a doctor?
I mean I paid the cash. The least you could
do is use the name your doctor of physics. Yeah,
you're a medical doctors? Still doctor? Doctor? Okay, okay, you
(33:54):
know what called me doctor? That would be inaccurate. I
couldn't even call you magna, come loud, ken, I couldn't
even do that because I'm not that loud. I'm not
made a magma. That's not that Look, if you're a doctor,
then I'm a doctor too. All right, that's just the
rule of the house. Did you have something to say
to me? Excuse me? Let me get the door. All right. Yeah,
(34:17):
I was told I was put in a sauna and
the elevator m h. I was told to put it
this way. All right, Hi, welcome to my house. Are
you here to work on it? Aren't you here to
work on it? Excuse me? You know that other people voice?
You know? Because show me where the elevators. I'll get
to work, please, he boss. Maybe we should come back
(34:39):
another time. These folks seem to be fatting. It sounds
like the fighting boss. Once we start to work, they
gotta pay us. We stay in work. Hold on, wait
all right now, stop stop chuck. I said you could
play with me, But why are you going to bring
in three additional workers to the house. Okay, I already
have kennem Barbie. They're arguing over who's the doctor. That
makes sense, But then all of a sudden Okay, one
(34:59):
one sauna workers. Fine, you're part two additional assistance. Well,
look at this house. It's missing a whole side. You
can just grab the side of the house and the
whole thing swings open. You're probably gonna need some additional
workers to get that short up. You're right, you know what,
You're right. Okay, let's carry on. So Okay, I put
(35:21):
the ken here, I are we here, you go here.
I got these guys are on their union break over here.
I got a problem. I have a problem by me. Okay,
I can drink whenever I want. I'm fine, Okay, I'm fine.
You think that just because you can't ingest you can
drink any time that you want. It's still a problem
(35:43):
for me. It might not be a problem for you.
Could you please actually put that light inside of the
elevator that they do that I told you, Sindy can
ask you a question. Yeah, your parents having trouble. You're
laying rather aggressively, Yeah, Chuck, they are, Okay, just checking.
(36:06):
I'll be over here on the union break and moving
this stuff up into the sonator to scene to everyone.
See three comes from Patron v I P. Jake Bert
who wrote I just read an article about how Paris
Hilton is obsessed with cryptocurrency and n f T s.
(36:29):
She's even named her new pets crypto and eat them.
I think the scene suggestion could just be boiled down
to Paris Hilton is obsessed with crypto? Does that work? Jane?
Very on me to put the dogs and they go
to the backyard. There was a house of the dogs.
(36:51):
Put them right up my pussy them their mind. They're
my children there, my fur babies right right up there.
That a good. That's fitty dogs. Good. I think I'm
not personally trained to insert dogs into humans. And then
you can leave and I'm gonna find someone who can
Paris Paris for a second. Yeah, okay, I've been looking
(37:15):
at your monthly statements here all right, and it seems
you've been spending a little more time online. Is that true? Absolutely?
I love the Internet. I Paris, Come on, what is
it when I see you as just investing in cryptocurrency? No? No, no, no, no, okay,
we're the Hiltons. We deal with dogs. Daddy, stop trying
(37:37):
to tell me what to do. I am in my thirties.
You cannot role me anymore. I have money that isn't
even money, it's just zeros and ones. You know nothing. Now,
can you please find me someone who can stuff the dogs? No,
(38:00):
miss Hilton, I gotta tell you, it is such a
pleasure to have you here. Um, this is a coffee
being because we don't have actual office buildings, because that's
very archaic. You understand what I'm saying right, absolutely, honestly.
The only thing that was confusing to me was where's
the tea leaf? Hmm. Yeah. Well it's questions like that
(38:22):
that are gonna break ground in this new era of fungibles.
I'm sorry, Harrison, Harrison, give me one give me one second. Okay,
what are you doing? The bathrooms and the shiitter they
need to get cleaned down. Then we gotta don't I
(38:43):
get a break? Don't I got a break? Break? I
can work at my side. Hustle you had when you
came in thirty minutes late, that was your break. You're
acting so fucking fungible right now, Todd, what did you
say to me? Excuse me? Now, where where are we,
Miss Hilton? You've come to the right place. I have
a long history of putting things up people's pussy, So
(39:04):
there's a short list. Tesla, a Volkswagen bug, a pillow,
Teddy rucksmen, bear, that's not a car, Barbie House, the
Kent House, the Barbie Malibu. I put in a sheep. Uh,
that's just one. It's just the same as plural. So
that's why it's confusing. Um A ram Dodge, Ram ram truck. Hemmy,
(39:29):
it's just the engine of the ram truck. So I
could go on and on. We have pages. Yeah, I
mean I got sheep's galore, So take your pick. I
just need one. I need one sheet, can buy just one?
I got sheeps. I understand if I said I want
to buy a sheep and I didn't want you to
(39:49):
think it was plural. I just wanted sound of it.
Ain't gotten this, it ain't plural. Man, take me so
I can buy one? Can I buy that one the
right back there? Man? It over here? Man? Do you
want here? I got a lot of shapes. Yeah, I know,
I want that one back there. One that's kind of
staring at What do you mean? Man? What are you
talking about? Do you think that any word that doesn't
(40:09):
have an ass is blow? What are you trying to say?
I'd just like to buy that sheep and leave. Is
I supposed to be many sheep? Excuse me? Huh? Are you?
Are you in toxicated? You? Okay, so that I got
an ivy drip of whiskey sour, blow your mind, just drink. Okay, okay, Pairs,
(40:32):
explain to us again where all your money went? Okay,
I am your accountant. I'm not a magician, for goodness sake,
I don't work at the magic hut. Okay, I can
just make money appear. Where is all of it gone?
I took my cash, I invested it into some mutual funds,
some index funds, and then that that's just some of it.
The majority is actually invested into cryptocurrency and n f
(40:54):
T s. Now, these are a new online thing. I'm
also really into this guy behind you. Who's this guy? Who?
This guy here? This guy right here with the phone
in his hand. Every time my tweet, Paris buys it,
watch this bullshit and tweet Hey Paris, you want another
non fungible token. You're gonna have this tweet for five
(41:16):
thou dollars fault. Oh my god. Okay, we can't do this, Paris.
We can't do this. I can do literally anything. I
birthed my own dogs. I can do this currently show
you're currently showing Louis. I don't know what's going on,
but you, my friend, are in charge of Paris's finances,
(41:37):
are you not? Yes? That's correct. And everything I'm seeing
is the exact homicet of someone who should be in
control of someone's finances. Correct, Yes, Mr Helton, that is correct.
And if that was the case, that you were in
fact in charge of my daughter's finances, an individual who
I love so much, and that person who is supposed
to be in charge of that person was you, do
(41:58):
you think that I would be upset? Is that correct?
I'm sorry I lost? Is that correct? Yes, sir? Yes? Yes? Yes?
Or no, sir, I understand what you're getting. If you
could just put on these VR goggless for one second
where all of Paris's money has gone now in your mouth, sir,
(42:24):
you're no. You can see paris Is virtual museum right now.
Virtual museum? You mean a museum that's virtual. Ah, let's
check it out your mouth. It's a completely valid way
(42:50):
to invest your money. It's top shot, and a lot
of people are doing it. I paid seven thousand dollars
for one the other day, it's just as black. I
can then trade it the right shoot you off the stratosphere.
It looks like you're gonna fly off the stratosphere in Vegas.
And the tough shot you bought that ride. I've bought
that ride, and I can then trade it later for
(43:11):
more money. This is how investing is. You buy when
it's low, you sell when it's high. Everyone talks to
me like I'm some kind of fucking idiot, And let
me tell you, you all are idiots because you all
motherfucker's yes. Can you just pull the sheep out and
stop talking so much? We're worried for her health safety.
(43:33):
Excuse me, I can hear you, and the whole point
of stuffing it up there so that I can birth it,
so that I not so someone can rip it out
of me, so that I can birth it. Because it
is a fact that when something comes out of your body,
you are more in tune with it, and you're more
bonded with it. And when I want to have an animal,
I want to have a life partner, and the only
(43:53):
way to get that bond is to put it up
ground and take it out. I'd like to give you.
I would like my money on the sheep. Man, wait,
man are you talking about? Man? What what are you
talking about? And my money back on this sheep. I
can tell right now that sheep has been birthed. You
ain't getting your money back all you ain't gonna happen.
(44:16):
There's nothing in your policy that says you can't buy
something is within fifteen days fifteen day policy. I like
my money back. You can just read the bold print.
Read the bold print. It says no smoking, don't eat
chocolates in front of me. I like with excuse me, sir,
with the necklace? What is it? What do you want?
I was just right look tweets and making some okay, Parish,
(44:38):
I know, I know, and listen listen. Yeah, I need you.
I need you to stop. Okay. You are draining her okay,
and that's having an effect on me and my and
what it is. I do you understand? Oh you're that
accountant daunt you? Yes. I didn't recognize you without your
glasses on. Is why I don't recognize people when they
don't have put your glasses on. I don't put your
(45:00):
asses on. Okay, Hey, he put his glasses on and
tweet Paris, Okay, do you feel good about yourself, sir, Yeah,
I feel great about myself. Are you kidding me? Look
at this necklace. Have you ever seen a bigger necklace? No? Yeah,
it's the world's largest necklace. I bought it from alright,
(45:25):
So just so we're clear, this is the world's largest necklace.
You're alright. Let's go put your heads up, sick oh,
put your hands up, sicko doing your worlds and the
largest that's fucking guy here, let's go everything. I want everything.
You gotta arrest this guy. So you're just a big
(45:48):
time NFT seller. Huh. I used to be married. It
wasn't married anymore. I'm not married anymore. So that's a
weird last name. You got, hat Sarah. Yeah, that's strange. Well,
it's a family name, so maybe I'm part of the
family that owns hats. Never think about that nine never
(46:09):
have Yeah. Yeah, and I know what you're thinking. My
right eye looks fake, but it's actually my eye. It
was popped out by a magician and then popped right
back in. W m hmm. That's uh. I'm sorry, I
get a little lost. I don't know which one to
look at. Sorry, why don't you just look at my
(46:30):
forehead ready, between my eyes. I don't know which one, Paul,
where's Mr Denim? Where's Mr Denim? Paul? Mr Denham? He
was no, he works at he works at a counter
now selling dry goods? Are so okay? I need you
to make a call the biggest celebrity. You know. We
(46:52):
gotta get somebody here now. I don't care who it is.
I know you've got a roll index, Paul, I do
I do? I know exactly who to call. Okay, how
soon do you need him? Now? Now? Can I show? Okay, Okay, okay,
ball whatever you're doing, stop it right now. I just
second ring. Put that phone out of your part. Paris.
(47:17):
Who's calling you? It's my buddy, Paul. I have to
see what he's up to. Maybe I'll go okay, I'll
try to face time. Okay, Paris, Hey listen, I can't
talk right now, but I need to talk to you.
What are you doing later tonight? I'm fucking selling. I'm
buying and I'm buying. I'm selling. You know that's my like.
(47:41):
You're the best. I love you, I love talking with you.
We're gonna pull something out of you later tonight, I
promise all right, come on in, come on in and
kiss my ring, kiss it, kiss the rings. I'm sorry.
My buddy told me that I just had to come in,
(48:02):
pretend like I get chopped in half on stage, and
then I get to go home. He said, we'll start
as soon as you kissed the rings. Oh there it is, Claire.
I don't Claire, I don't know what to tell you. Okay,
Paris Hilton is crushing her right now. Okay, she's got magic.
She knows how to sing and dance. Well, I can't
use you, Claire. I know how to I know how
(48:24):
to sing, and you won't believe it because of the
whole no bones thing. But I can't dance. I can
still do this. I got it in here. Come on, hi,
I can do it on the Lady with No Bones sings.
It's her bonume. Two of songs coming up soon. It's
(48:45):
gonna have hits like Hi, Hey, I can do it.
Sometimes you're driving you you want to hear some fun
music like m zim jim. Come into my boom boom,
let's go to the room room. It's back and buck
the hell? What is this? No? Not? What is she?
(49:08):
Listen to me? This is not one of the weirdest
gifts I ever got, Daddy, Daddy, No, not only did
I bring you the music, but I prid you the
artist and this wheelbarrow? What she? Wait? Wait? Wait? What
if I give you the world's biggest necklace? Yeah, I'm listening,
(49:29):
all right, All you got it? Well, you mean you
want to buy my necklace off of me? This is
the world's biggest necklace. Nobody buys his necklace off of me. Look,
you want another world's biggest necklace. I'm sure they made more, Slam.
What what is it? Still this? I'm not gonna open
(49:51):
this door if it's the same person still outside, now
tell me, is it the same person that just asked
me to sell them my prize possession. They're not saying anything.
Maybe I should open the door and see that's son
of it? It is you Slam looking for a necklace,
(50:13):
That's what I hear. I get things, all right, I
got a vast network. You just tell me what you're
looking for, and I make it happens. Sir, sir, I'm
looking for a special necklace, maybe a necklace that You're
not a cop? Are you no? Because I deal and
stolen goods, so could you steal a necklace from inside
(50:34):
of a woman, and I can give that to my
poppy happy dad father. Drug You don't do you have
a good father favor in your life. I'm trying. I'm
working on that, sir. I'm working on that right now
as we speak. If you could pull a necklace out
of it another human being and I could give that
to my father, that my man, no relationship. I do
know a man who keeps the necklace in his buttocks.
(50:59):
Is that what you're looking like? If it's got a
little smell on it, well, that still work. I gotta
get going. Thank you someone town. It's a really nice necklace.
But my eyes are going crazy. I don't know what
it is, but my eyes are just we're good. I
can't see you to hug yet, I can't find you.
(51:23):
You're just crying, Daddy. You're just crying. Kid. I don't
feel so good. I don't know what it is. But
I never told you I'm definitely allergic to ship. Why
would you tell me that now, Daddy? I love your son.
I don't know. I've never told you before. I want
(51:44):
to give you something someone, Yeah, okay, I'm listening. You
know what was it? What you want to distract someone
who about someone coming back, but they're recording it on
their phone. They call I can sell with this, daddy.
I just want to tell you and tweet that's our show.
(52:11):
Half of my happiness is draining out of my nose. Right,
all right, let's thank our alchemists so very very very
very much, starting with Jackie d Ruthie. I hope you
the rest of your birthday week turns out as spectacular,
and thank you so much for joining us. Thank you,
thank you for having me. It's always so fun. Yeah. Yeah,
(52:34):
I'm it's my birthday week and I'm living it up
and I'm at Jackie Druthy on on the socials. That's
where I'm perfect perfect. Thankank you, Mark Gagard, goodness gracious,
so good to see you guys. This always is a delight. Yeah,
and happy two weeks past your birthday. Thanks. It's I'm
having a very merry on birthday. Yeah, and to to
(52:56):
to all of you as well, a very merry on birthday.
They're more adventure hours. Yeah, we're doing We've got another
thrilling adventure our show coming up. I think we're doing
another show and tell show, which is what we are
on the cast of The Thrilling Adventure. Our breaks out
our old clips from when we were just starting out
(53:17):
or child actors or in high school doing plays. So
that's on June tenth. I believe we're gonna be doing
that at our gags and it'll be it'll be post,
it'll be up there, all right. Thank you so much
again a tool sing you as well. My goodness, thank you. Thanks.
I left a lot that was that was fun, that
was so much. Yeah, thank you at a tool time
(53:42):
is my socials? Uh and yeah, you can follow me
there and see what I'm up to. Fantastic Chrisofer, I
don't thank you as always. Two things. One, Kevin Pollock,
I love you so much, but I mean it's gotta
say that I love you never fucking dream you're one
of my best friends, all right, right at to Mark,
I said, it's the last time you're here. I love
(54:02):
that your actual home looks like a zoom back and
it's such a compliment to your home because that's I
just love that. So again, you can hear this or
you can see this if you're a Patreon supporter. Is
that correct? Excellent point. Thank you for pointing that out.
The video only available to the patron subscribers. Yes, nicely done,
Sir Joey Grahman. Thank you as always. Oh, thank you.
(54:25):
I was just about jump in there, I mean my bad.
Thank you for having me and everyone else who's here
now check out alchemy, this Instagram, alchemy, this pod on Reddit,
and you know, bear supply myself Teney to other people
you've never met who cares about him. We do a
stream on twitch twitch dot tv backslast bs comedy or
(54:47):
forward slash I don't know whatever the slash that's correct,
forward slash every Wednesday at eight o'clock specific time. Checking
out so twitch twitch dot tv. You know what, dude?
You know what? Dude? Like? Are you crying? Joy? Let's
thank our engineering producing the stars, Mr Doug Bane. Fine,
(55:09):
folks that I heard media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock
reminding you to please be kind to each other and
tell everyone you've ever met to watch the show if
you can. If not, just listen to it and please
do that and write a review and all that stuff. Um,
but yeah, keep wearing your masks and be kind to
each other, and um, we love you and thank you.
(55:30):
Until next time. Sweet sweet
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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