April 8, 2021 • 55 mins
Perfectly preserved dinosaur butthole.
33rd annual cowboy poetry symposium.
LOTR characters lost in GOT.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode Alchemy. Yes COVID nineteen one edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pod Yes that Why don't you
check with the landlord? What am I James Taylor's handy man?
But I digress. Let's meet her? Chamis shan't we in
no particular? PLU say hello cracket? Please share your first
(00:25):
time on any stage, on any stage? Question? Best friend
Toby and I, that's right, did puppet shows and some
I don't not sure how this happened, but we got
a gig to perform at the Springfield Mall in Springfield,
(00:47):
Virginia when we're about eight years old. And uh so,
uh we were hiding, you know, behind the table in
the in a blanket. You're holding our puppets up. You're
how old? I'm sorry? I was about eight years old.
And the show went fairly well, considering you couldn't see anyone. Uh,
(01:12):
I don't think anybody was paying attention. I don't know
why we were there. Um, and I've I've not continued
the puppetry. You just described the first You just described
the first thirty seven shows I did as a stand up. Yeah,
anyone knew I was magic? Uh? Yes, Hey, it's James Haney,
(01:38):
jelly roll, Jim, what is your bowling average? I'd say
once or twice a year. That cannot be that cannot
be true. Down UM's been. I've never been so happy.
(02:04):
My bowling afforage greatly between. Like you know, it depends
and if they have the bumpers up a b it depends,
and if it's a good day. Uh, and yeah, that's
I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I don't know
the afforage. I don't know it. Yeah, that is the answer.
(02:24):
And I I knew I had asked the right person.
And now here's Jackie Druthi, j and the d How
are you taking the j Rod breakup? You know what?
Thank you for asking because I do. I'm obsessed with
j Lo. When I was little, Like all my perfumes
were j Lo everything, Jlo, Jlo Jlo. I wanted to
(02:44):
be her, look like her everything. So how am I
taking it? I'm taking it? Um. You know, we can't
say we didn't see this coming. Uh. For me, if
I see like extreme doting on social media, I'm like,
there's a problem. You're covering something. The Valentine's Day posts.
Look at what he's done I'm like, this is too much,
(03:07):
This is too much. Um. So I can't say I'm surprised,
but I am devastated for my good friend j Lo.
Devastated for her children. Um and you know if they
are back together for publicity stunt or a business deal, like,
you know, power to her be the queen that she is. Again,
I knew I asked the right person. Yeah, you're saying
(03:29):
Caroline was not the right person. That was one of
the more priceless moments. Um. Yeah, And now here's Chris
Alvarado delicious soup to nuts. Prior to discovering surfing, what
sport were you any good at? Not? None, nothing, never
(03:50):
been And I'm not good at surfing either. Here's the
here's the problem. I'm six three, yeah, six three, I'm
fit ish people, as sue, people assume I can play
some sport. You know how many times in my adult
life other adult men have asked me to play basketball
with them, and I say I'm not good and then
they say, I'd like to guess, Yeah, how many? That's
(04:12):
a bit extreme, but a lot a dozen, doesn't. I mean,
I would ask you Baker's doesn't. And then here's what happens.
Here's what happens every time. Here's what happens. I said,
I'm not very good. They go, no, we're not very good.
Let's just play. We're just gonna play. Show up. I mean,
I got the fucking choose, I got the I look good,
I know how to address, and I'm six three and
(04:34):
get the ball in my hands and I'm so I'm
not I'm very bad. And here's what happens. We start playing,
and then they see how bad I actually am. And
then I could tell because their voices start going up.
They go like nice, dude, like like for me, and
then and and I can and I'm telling them like
I told you, and they go, oh yeah yeah. And
(04:55):
also with the last remaining five seconds of my time,
I just want to say that, um, Facebook memories, Facebook
reminders of memories, whatever, reminded me that Craig and I
did the show two years ago, two years ago today.
Look at that. Look at that? Friends, Yeah, okay, thank
you so much for this. Thank you. And that was
uh three in a row for me, uh asking the
(05:20):
correct person in that particular question. And last, but just Frank,
no beans for you. If you think of leaves, it's
joey greer birth control and shoes. When were you gonna
tell us that? You know what's crazy is like you
think you deserve to know? That's what piss me off?
Do you think you deserve like like when like I'm
(05:41):
supposed to, I don't have to tell you ship well,
you know what I'm saying. I don't have to do that,
but I choose to because I care, because I'm sensitive.
I'm a vulnerable guy. Uh and I just want to
be open. So the answer is right now. Thank you
for that. Let's do a damn show all of our
scene suggestions, either of course from your listen to emails,
(06:01):
or from our Patreon v I p s. They get priority.
Live with it to become a patron supporter of the
show and get said priority as well as exclusive content
and other perks. Just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy. This is if you'd like to submit
a scene the old timey way by sending me an
email because I'm the one who's gonna read him and
I can't wait. Please write to the podcast at your
(06:23):
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at see number one Today comes from Heather, who wrote, hello,
wonderful alchemists. Thank you for making me laugh out loud,
even while the world burns around us. James look away
for fox sake. Oh so this apparently was one that
James had access to. It. I just read an article
(06:44):
about paleontologists finding a perfectly preserved dinosaur butt hole. M
that's good dino buttle, and immediately knew I had to
tell you all about it. The article says that it
was a multi purpose glory hole and that the discover
is shedding light where the sun don't shine. Clever journalists.
(07:05):
But the best quote is quote it's like a Swiss
army knife of excreciatory openings. End quote. Vint said, quote
it does everything end quote. I have no idea how
this could be used as a scene, but I have
faith in you. Love you all. Head. Well, it's a cloaca, right,
I mean there was. They've said dinosaurs became birds, birds
(07:27):
known for the all purpose hole otherwise known as the cloaca.
Am I wrong, Craig, You're right about the cloaca. Yeah,
and also just a great word cloaca. Oh man, Yeah,
I was almost Countie Cloaca. That was almost my stage name. Tony.
What the hell is It's like, I can't print this.
(07:47):
What do you mean you can't print it? Story? It's
based on fact? What what? What part is the trouble
for you? Tony? Come on, look, I but this is
not the place. Okay, this is science. Jim, Jim, talk
to me. What's going on? Something at home? Yes, I'm
at home. It's so yeah, right, you can talk to me,
(08:08):
can you can't. I don't want to be a scientist
like you dad. Just just caiding about it for a second. Alright,
Just put on the stethoscope, all right, listen to roscope.
What does that have to do with science? Medicine is
a science, alright, just just put it on. Alright, Just look,
what do you want to look at? He doesn't love you.
(08:29):
He doesn't love you. I don't love your dad. You
know what you've been You've been filling them with this bullshit. Okay,
I work for a living, Okay, can't be home all
day doing well. I don't know what you're doing here.
Thank god, graphic are Thank god you make up shutting
the lamestream Mediah. God isn't real. God is not real.
(08:50):
It's not scientifically proven. That gotta I gotta be a priest. No,
son of mine is going to go into the clerks.
No no, no, no, no, no, no no, you're going
to go into the scientists and the maths. Are ready
to understand that I'm putting you in a math camp today.
That's not true. No you're not. I'm not doing a
math camp. I'm gonna be a Catholic priest. Don't sing that. No, no,
(09:15):
that's so institutionally. Hi, first day at math camp. We're
just gonna go around the circle. Everyone tell us how
excited you are to be here? Yes, you, little man.
What's your name? My name's Peter. I'm not really excited
for math camp. I like the addition, I like buy
an area, and I like computer programming. That's great, it's
right to have you. What was your name again, Peter?
(09:38):
Can we call you Pete? Yeah, okay, Pete. It's great
to have you. Here is camp for babies. I'm fifteen
years old. If we're gonna talk numbers, I'm gonna say,
welcome to camp math Camp. What is your name? Mr?
Fifteen Curtis Curtiss? Where did you come today? From? Where
(10:04):
they come from? Yeah? From God? Well? Okay, but God
created all of us. Yeah, of course, what do you
think give me a science explanation for why we're here? No,
I meant what town? Oh yeah, Denise, Look, I don't
have a lot of time something. Don't you work for me.
(10:27):
You're an archaeologist. You're supposed to be out in the field,
dustin digging, exactly. I don't have the time for this.
I have to go out into the field and dustin dig.
You you schedule this meeting, and I'm just letting you know.
We have to make it snappy because I just all right,
I don't got a lot of time. All right, what
you got? What you got? You got some teeth? You
gotta actually, um, I have a butt hole. Okay, alright,
(10:47):
you know what. Listen, listen, Denise, I told you I'm
not married, but I am seeing somebody. Okay, with these advances,
these passes, So you don't but your butt hole in here. No,
I definitely brought my own butth hole in here. I
can't go anywhere about my own dinosaurs but hole. And
(11:08):
it's actually, um, I'm presuming that it's a a prodactosaurus's butthole.
And what's so interesting about that is that um Podactosaurus,
much like a dog doesn't sweat. Podactosaurus is actually don't
sweat either, but they don't pant like a dog. It
all comes out the butthole to sweat this. I know
(11:29):
all of this. Okay, I'm the boss here. Okay, well,
I'm sorry to waste your time, and honestly, all right,
I understand what you're saying. It is. Okay, so you
discovered you have a butth hole and you want me
to see your butt hole. Okay, so, uh, I mean
I don't mind doing it, but I just want to
make sure I got this right. You want me to
(11:51):
for the re release a Jurassic Park go through and
c g I but holes acting like this is impossible.
It's not impossible, just like I mean, very specific and
it's a lot of work. But you're not passing judgment
on the idea, are you, because that's what I'm sensing. No,
if it's science, I mean, making movies is definitely a science. Now,
(12:16):
you can either add these buttholes or you can't. I can't.
I can't, step Stephen, It's Johnny Williams. Just wanted to
let you know that I'm I'm prepared to add the
butthole theme to the additional footage. Love to hear a peace? Great? Okay,
how does it? How does it go? Give me a tempo?
What is it? Guy? What are you getting? Well? We
all know the main theme of Jurassic Park. No, I'm
(12:43):
pretty sure that it's left me and it just Let
me just get whatever you have it now, no bad ideas?
Who are these people? See? These are just some interns
that I brought. I wrote the music. I know how
(13:04):
the theme to addressed Park. No. I think I think
they should tell you I wrote the music to a
little are You Go Go Go? I ever heard of it?
Ever heard it? That's it? What was I playing it first?
(13:31):
Let me play that again. I'm gonna play that first
part again. That's when they enter the park. But what
I'm doing is the you're doing yes, And that's the
park park entrance music. Anyway, the Island. I don't remember
(13:52):
what I titled. You can't get anything past the youth today, Joanny. Look, Denise,
I understand what you're saying. You've got a son, he's
away at camp. You're alone. I understand. I'm your boss, though. Okay,
you gotta dig, you gotta say, and you gotta yeah.
And what I'm telling you is that my son is
(14:12):
away from camp, so I actually have more time to
go sand and dig. To stop wasting my time right now.
She just feels like every time I look, I look,
I look, every time my eyes are open, my top
is off. And that is true. But that's just me
expressing myself in a way that's you don't have to
explain that. You want to explain that to me. I'm
(14:34):
your boss, I get it, okay, So that right now
we're wasting We're honestly, we're wasting time on semantics. I
have a lot of sun tanlution to put on, and
I have a lot of me and the and the
rest of care. We're gonna get the hell out of here.
We've been waiting out there and come here. What's your name?
What's your name? Dad's going on in here? What's your name? Eclaire? Claire? Claire?
(14:57):
Are you more of a digger more of a duster?
I mean both? Okay? Good? I like that. I like that,
And so what's your issue again? My issues? We've been
waiting out there. It's now seven pm. We've wasted all
the good lives. We're gonna do it, glad, We're gonna
do a night digg a cool man. So you want
me to go down and fill up the generators. You
(15:18):
want me to go get the gas, fill up the
generator so we can get the lights working. Those loud,
stinky ones. Every time with this guy describing his job duties,
just go do it for fun? Is that recrossant? Is
that what you want to do? You want to get
into this ocrosan, Yeah, I do want to get into this. Well,
you were given a direct or in my office, now
(15:39):
further into your office. Yeah, Brad, I'm sorry, we're not
gonna be able to fund the dig anymore. Excuse me,
we're not gonna be you have headpunes you take this office.
I don't know if you understanding the boss at this
(16:00):
dig this is a dig site. Yeah, Brad, I understand
that we're gonna cut funding from the dig. No, no, no,
it's because it's because you're waiting for a big payoff. Right,
you're waiting for a big fine, right, but not waiting
for we have find it's a butth hole. We got it.
But yes, And to be honest, a lot of your
(16:22):
reports are just creepy as hell. I mean the reports
you send back, Brad, I just just I like creative
non fiction. What can I say? Yeah, but this is science.
All right, Here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm
gonna keep digging. I'm gonna keep my team intact, and
we'll get back to you with a new exciting fine
very soon. I mean, with your own money. Just be
(16:43):
clear about that. We're we're stopping that. You're gonna pay
me money. Boo hoo, Dad, you have to fire someone
who cares. You don't understand, You don't know what it's like. Okay,
of course you think this is just a game. This
is real. Look, there's nothing I have to of this.
It's just now. It's two thousand years ago. There's no dinosaurs, Dad,
(17:07):
the one about this? Huh. I wasn't supposed to take
this out of the office. But look at this. This
is a real life dinosaur buttle. This is silver forty
million years old. But your finger, yeah, it's perfectly preserved.
Perfect I mean, look at the functionality of this thing.
I mean, based on just like you know, digital mock
ups were estimating that this orifice was able to do anything,
(17:31):
anything and everything. Mr Paterson, I'm I'm sorry interrupt this
moment of Junior Son and you, but I still like
to get paid. Also, he did not finish his juice,
and that was a problem for both of us. Let
me just say that. Okay, so sixty, Can I take
(17:54):
fifty eight dollars and just put my pinky in the dinosaur?
About all? Just a quick little I'm gonna give you six.
There's definitely is no god. This is actually my third
time here at math camp. Um. Some people say I
rule the camp. I wouldn't say that. Everybody says you
(18:15):
rule the camp. Yeah, it's been said. So I've actually
petitioned to have some more theater arts because I'm not
just good at math, I'm also good at theater arts.
So this summer we're gonna be gone the two. Yeah,
we're gonna be doing um. We're a staged reading of proof.
I'm sorry I started. Was there someone talking about theater here? Yeah?
(18:38):
Theater arts? Yeah, theater arts, but also math. Can you
come with us? But can you get in the suv um?
Do you have a warrant for that? We don't need
a warrant. We work with the camp. We're not allowed
to have any think. I think she's right, I think
we need a wart d. No, we're good Okay, we
work with the camp. How come you're not wearing a sure? Okay,
(19:04):
we're here. On a second, dear j you're not getting
that STV. We need to see some sort of credentials here.
You can't just over the camp. She was clearly talking
about theater. Put her in the suv and get her
out of the camp. Camp now, children, you're the king gentlemen. Please,
I'm trying to conduct a camp here. This is a
math camp. What do you do camp? Not a little
(19:26):
theater camp? Right? Camp? Who are you? You worked with
the math? No? I mean just tell them, tell him,
tell them you're not coming. You're not just like a counselor.
Who are you? We shouldn't be. We work with black
Water and scout by the camp to make sure of
(19:49):
that only maths get done here. Right, you're gonna arrest
my children because they uh Dante right, I don't know
what else to say? Uh on here? Yeah? Did dad
not let you play with the math tools? No? Uh
no that was it wasn't playtime with math? So business business?
(20:13):
Um so you thought I knew it. I'll do I'll
round up children, that'll be my job. I'm just gonna
escort off the premises of We're gonna drop Rock. So Stephen,
you're saying that you're adding a C. G. I butt
hole to the shark because that was your vision all
along and the technology didn't allow you to to do
(20:33):
it back wasn't ready yet. Okay, Well everybody knows the
famous Jaws theme, right, we do? John? If I could
ask you, uh, do you want to put your pinky
in it? You have the butt hole here? Yes? I did,
(20:56):
and then this is a real sharks bud hole, or
this is the dinosaur butthole. This is the dinosaur butthole
is going to be cast as Bruce's bdole. Yeah, I
had to make me a mock up. Kids. Can you
get it out of the van? Please? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah
we can't. Okay, yeah, well are they theater kids are
(21:18):
math kids? Now? John? The only reason I'm asking if
you want to put your pinky in it because ever
so far, everyone who has magical things happen. Okay, I
like something to another world. I need some music bite here,
some some sound bite that makes the audience they their
own buttholes tighten. Right, That's what I'm going for. Stephen.
(21:42):
I'm so so sorry we went to the van. We
went to go get the butthole. Where's the well? Um,
we were sucking around, we were we were doing the
Budweiser toads, you know, we were just but but then
we got method and we started hopping around and like
basically boom, I was a frog, she was a frog.
I was a frog. She was a frog. It was
(22:04):
bouncing between us and ended up being he's wallowed its
side of me. Oh that's interesting, Okay, I can work
with that. That is, I don't want to put my
pinky in it. John, just a second, if you put
your pinky in Larry, Mr and Mrs Lawson. I'm sorry
(22:26):
to bring you this news, but there was an accident
of Maths camp and something happened to Pete he Um
wait Math's camp was this in the UK? Well, I
mean it's it's it's always pronounced Maths, you know, let's
be real in the UK. Yeah, but I mean the
UK started it, so Lit's not I mean, I know,
not zero early. We need to get this straight. What happened?
(22:52):
Why suck your son is he's doing monologus in the
front of Oh god, what somebody got to him? And uh,
he loves performance. He was going to be a doctor scientist.
(23:15):
He's on Samuel French's website right now and he's just
buying everything he camp. He told me that he went
to some goddamn theater camp. No, sir, apparently at the
maths camp. That's what we're going to. He was introduced
to a another camper who was obsessed with I don't
know how they got through. Who's done this to my fie.
(23:41):
We can't give out that kind of personal information, ma'am.
I'm so sorry, but just no damn it. Black Water
and One too about to us today by patron Alcamnia
Hayley Bob Hayley, who wrote, high, I hope everyone is
(24:04):
doing well. My scene suggestion is something weird is happening
at the thirty three Annual Cowboy Poetry Symposium. Sure, what
would do it? Just take a number that TA number
and then we'll be able to call you what number
of Mike, Because I can't be here all day, We'll
(24:24):
just pull something out of the ball right there, and
then we'll be able to see what number you got.
So it's just wreck and even if your number gets
pulled early, it's only appropriate for you to stay and
watch everybody else that goes after. You can't just read
and run, Clam. While I appreciate your opinion, I'm gonna
shove it where I shove all the other opinions. And
that's up your ass. Now. Then I just randomly pull
(24:46):
up number out of the number. He's not staying to
listen to all the poets. Don't give him a number.
I don't mind him. That's clam and he's a pain
and everybody's ass. So here we go, just number seven.
Look at that, eat it seth lam. Right, we'll just
uh write your name down right there for number seven,
and alright, then everything organizemat number. It just just where
(25:12):
the poetry happens. It's my turn to pull the number.
But he, I mean, he was just this question if
this was a poetry. But I'm like, all eyes on
me while I pull a number, and he just seems
like he's walking up trying to get a number. We
don't know what his motives are. He just came up. Sure,
you don't know what my motives are. She's right, No,
(25:36):
I'm just asking, is this where the poetry happens? Yeah,
it's a beautiful pen. So yeah, when you pull that number,
just you can write it right down there. All right,
thank you kindly, number first before you write your not down.
It's it's my turn to pull a number though. I'll
(25:58):
just sit back. A cold day, a steady steed. The
wheat was yellow, the water was cold. It was a
cold day that made the water cold, but my steed
(26:20):
was as steady as ever. And please just come up here.
I'm practicing it. I told you I'm practicing. Hey, you
better get in there and help you gotta help your mom. Okay,
come in my room. No, I'm practicing. Get out. Sorry,
(26:42):
sorry me, sorry me, okay. It was a cold day,
a steady steed. The river was cold. The cold day
made the river water cold, but the steed was as
steady as ever. And you better get your daughter in
the shape. I'll tell you what what what do you
(27:05):
mean or what I'm saying. I'll tell you what. Tell me?
Then she God, dang it. We got chores to do
around here. I understand that dollar is gonna do them.
Just shut up and just smoke that cigarette and eat
that lunchable. I love you and that's the truth. Fine,
(27:26):
I'll do whatever you guys want. You ruined my practice anyways,
you know, what we need to do. We need you
to sweep the porch, and then we need you to
dust off that old magical cowboy hat. And don't you
put that cowboy hat on wishes. I've always ducked it off.
(27:47):
Number fifty four. There's almost nobody else, Like, how can
I be number fifty four? Do I have to write
my name down? That's number fifty four. It's a random thing.
Claim it's not personal. This is bullshit. I mean, this
is bullshit. I've been sitting here waiting to get in line,
and alright, fine, I put my clam rogers. Wait a second.
(28:11):
Claim You said he've been sitting here waiting to get
in line, so you weren't even in line. Well, I
was waiting to see the competition, so clam waite taking.
So you just pulled an illegal ball out. That's not
talking about I. We're gonna have to just qualify. You're
not allowed to do anything. I'll waiting. I read poetry
in this contest every year. Claim I'm sorry, that's just
(28:31):
them the rules. If you weren't in line, you can't pool.
Well I was. I got in line after after I waited,
But you were waitingited line. But you weren't in the
line to pool claim. Don't you understand these are the rules?
H claim. I'm sorry, we're gonna have to borrow you
from doing any kind of poetry for the next I
(28:54):
got poetry in my heart. Well, it looks like we're
gonna be judging this here symposium together. They called me
the high ku kid. Well yeah, I'm just getting everything
organized so the other judges should be coming up in
a second though. But you know, oh, you're not one
of the judges. No, I'm not. I want you know.
(29:16):
They've asked me, but I said no, I don't. Well, thanks,
thank you, but one of the judges. Sorry, sorry, what
do they call you? Librick Larry? Oh, librick Larry. I've
(29:36):
heard of you. There once was a young man from someplace.
You're probably talking about me. Hey, uh, baby girl, you
in there doing your poetry? Yes, we opened the door.
(29:58):
Please he look, thank you. My brakes man sing. Someone's
in trouble. No, look, look, I want to apologize for
(30:23):
yelling at you. Okay, I know you love this thing.
It's just your mom and I we want you to
do good, great, better things. But I do great poetry. Listen,
I believe you. Now. I was on the internet just
not five minutes ago. I came across an advertisement. You
(30:44):
know how, let the government listen to everything we say.
Of course, Well they must have heard you talking about poetry,
because it turns out I don't know what this word means.
But there was a cowboy poetry symposium happening at at
the Square today and I can go to it. We
(31:05):
can't tell your mama. We can't tell your mama this
isn't the government, Daddy. I put on the magical hat.
I put it on after I just diagnamic we told
you not to. I'm I'm so alright. Alright, what's done
is done. What's done is done. And let's tell your
mama that we gotta go finding some new pigs. What
do you say, Okay, yes, she's got to find me
(31:26):
some new pigs. No, tell her that we're gonna go
look for pigs so we can get you to suppose
you have to do what you need to do. Goddamn
remote don't even working. We need new batteries. Oh what
the hell y'all want? Um? Nothing to say? Nothing to say? Well,
if you're gonna say something, to make sure that new
(31:47):
batteries she's okay, all right, pigs pigs, pigs. No, we're
gonna go look at the well. Next up. I believe
we have number number fifty five. It should be pretty interesting. Yes,
one number sounds more interesting than any other number. Well,
(32:09):
if you don't notice, this is a lady. This is
a lady compete. There's a lady in front of me.
Limerick Larry. Yeah, and this is uncommon. This is a
cowboy poetry symposium. Should start. Sorry, sorry, we're just talking
amongst ourselves. Are we sure this is legal in a
(32:30):
cowboy poetry symposium. Well, you're saying, ah, you're saying this
young girl can't be a cowboy Limerick Larry. I'm not sure.
I had never seen no lady compete in a cowboy
symposium before. I'm just afraid you're building up to something
up scene. Every every fifth sentence, this guy says it's
(32:53):
something super dirty. Anyway, Yeah, you go ahead, young we'd
love to hear what you got. No problem. I'll start
and it will be the best poem yet. By the
tip of my hat. Magic. Have you ever seen a
(33:16):
sky so blue? I've seen it with my eyes of two,
my ass in the saddle. You hear a snake and
it's giving me a rattle a wing sign with the
tip of its tail. But my god, the snake is
(33:37):
the size of a whale. Oh am I going to do?
Do I shoot it or shoot myself? No, just give
me a gun. Well, that was that was fantastic. You know,
I specialized in poems of exactly seventeen syllables, but that
(34:00):
those rhyming couplets were beautiful. And then when you deliberately
broke the pattern for the last two lines, that was
that was surprising. What do you say, don't le Well,
I gotta be honest, it came in. It is quite
the surprise. I ain't never seen a lady competing cowboy contest.
And I usually do do some I said to do.
(34:22):
I usually have some rhyming in my schemes as well. Yeah,
I mean I normally pick up whoever man. You know.
So you said your name was clam right, Is that right? Yeah?
I've competed in the uh the Cowboy Poetry SYMPOSI many years.
(34:43):
There was a technicality I'm not allowed in. It's later
he gets up there. That's a shame, man, that's a shame.
And I guess your car broke down with that look.
I don't care why your hitchhiken. You know, I'm happy
to thank you. Know I'm drive these roads a lot
on my loans from so so nice. I have some company,
you know. All right, well, thank you, thank you. How
do you believe in the magical artifacts? Congratulations, baby girl,
(35:07):
congratulation And I want us a horse. We no longer
have to ride the pict darling. I was thinking, wouldn't
you have felt better about that wind if you didn't
cast that magical spell on them? Judges? First? Now, don't
you want to know how your poetry holds up against
other poets that didn't cast a spell on I tip?
(35:30):
I'd gave a tip of my hat because that's just
proper etiquette. And yes it was the magic hat, but
I didn't. Maybe you've cast a spell, a liking spell.
They have to like you. Now. It's a nice horse,
nice horse. I'm never going to be good enough. What, darling,
(36:02):
Oh my god, say your daddy. He just ride out
of here on the horse. Yeah, and I don't know
if he's ever going to come back. Oh my god,
I'm so sorry. I gott tell you this, but there's
a horrible accident your house. A whole bunch of wild
pigs out of the house. They tore it up. That
they ate every today. Ate your mom. The pigs ate
your mom. You are known to eat human flesh. That
is a fact everything. I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish just
(36:28):
on anybody, my my worst enemy. How the hell has happened?
I wasted wishes, I've already used all my five wishes. Oh, ship,
fucking ship. And those are not wild pigs. Those are
our pigs. They were seeking vengeance. They're pissed. We're supposed
to ride them. Well. Welcome back to the thirty fourth
(36:49):
Annual Cowboy Poetry Symposium. Wait, we have last year's champion here.
It's it's good to see you back, Dolly. It's been
a rough year, but I'm happy to be here. Yeah,
you said your poem this year is just gonna it's
gonna get real whenever you're ready. Thank you. This poetry
(37:16):
is about blood. This poetry is about my body, this
poetry in mind. I'm sorry, but I just want to
remind her this is a family event, and it sounds
like she's gonna talk about blood and bodies. Are you right?
Fucking limericks for to putting the Limerick where he belongs.
(37:45):
Seen three today comes us from Batter Batter, who wrote, Hi, honest,
I have a good one this time. I think Lord
of the Rings characters on their way to destroy the Ring,
get lost and find themselves in Game of Thrones universe,
can't wait here order up on this one office. I
thought it was the worst I've ever read, so I
had to include it with this fellowship. We will traverse
(38:12):
the lands until we meet ourselves at more dog stop
being real quick right there? Sorry, are you doing some
kind Not really, No, not really, okay, I'm just kind
of affecting a certain kind of right. It's coming like
you're being a little hokey, and we want folks to
(38:32):
really have an adventure here. Okay. You know I was
on Game of Thrones, you know that, right, That's why
we're all here, because you know that Thrones. Well, yes,
of course, yeah. It was pretty much a core character
through that. So people love me, you know, they do,
they do, and they have a certain expectation. I think
that because we did when we hired you. So yeah,
(38:52):
well I'm aragone now, all right, all right, yeah, I
think that's where the who are you talking too? I'm
talking you talking to the evil eye of Soreomon Jesus Christ,
and you keep talking to someone in the sky. All right,
can we just cut for a second, Jason, can you
just pull out for a second? Would you pull out?
(39:14):
You don't have to be method all the time. This
is this is insane. You know what. I quit. If
you want me, you can find me at my house.
Oh my god, everyone take five. Excuse me. Um, I
happen to know all of his lines? Um, yeah, um,
I know. I'm just here too, like give you give
(39:37):
you some some doughnut puffs and I'm just having that.
But you know I've watched and I'm an oratory learner,
and let's all of his lines? Okay, great, yeah, yeah,
let's give it a shot. Were the doughnut boots? Oh?
Oh wait, just give me one second. I need a
godda donut poo he this most thing? Okay, okay, okay, okay,
(40:04):
this is all your worth. Okay, I'm ready. You're not
the real Aragon. You're not part of the fellowship where
all the fellowship we needed to live for this ring
to motor um, that's actually not his que line. So
should where am I? What are these what are these
(40:27):
mechanical devices? Hey, Arragon, it's your neighbors. I don't I know,
it's not your name's what you have us? Call you
Steve your neighbor. Are you in there, Bud? Yeah, I
see you. Hey. Um look man, you haven't been paying
the h O apes, you know, and that's a monthly
(40:49):
thing and it helps keep up with the step around here.
What's up? Are you serious? What do you mean, Bud?
I was Game of Thrones? M hmm yeah, yeah, what
were you on? Let's right, you're an accountant. Yeah. Look,
(41:14):
so it's a doughnut wrapped in a puff pastry. It's really,
really really food. It's really good, trust me, man, Why
why don't they have more healthy snacks around here? They
wonder why all of us grips are so fat? Like
I just I just want some some you know, celery sticks.
It's like it's more expensive to get um organic goods,
(41:36):
and if it's not organic then really you're just eating
like chemicals. It's just crap, would you It's more expensive
to see a cardiologist for them for something healthier down
here on Crafty it's me the magical salary stick. Is
anybody else here? This I'm gonna go back into via booth.
(42:02):
I'm talking to you, Ben, only you can see me. Yeah.
Here you're you're a talking celery stick. That's right, I'm
magic magic. That's right. Ben should eat its tasty alright,
little blue cheese. Ben. We need you to get on
the sand bags. You know what I mean. I tell
(42:28):
you a hundred of times today, that's what I do.
You killed it, sary, stuff it sandbags. Get your head
in the game ship, Ben, Ben, Well, you're all right now?
(42:51):
From my body back? Who shot my body back? Then? Oh,
it's in his digestive system? Who's from me? A new body?
Look at this? Look at this poor poor celery stick
of magic. You you see the dark sorcery too. We've
got to bring and we've got to get the other
(43:13):
half of this stick back. How do I do it go?
How do I do it? Tell me? Where did you go? Yeah?
That the head of my crew bit when he spent
half of it out, The other is probably in his
digestive track. You know, you're the only beat person here
that sees through the dark sorcery of this world. We
(43:34):
need to split that man open and get the bottom half. Hey,
um Arian, um My daughter threw her ball over and
we saw you take it inside your house. M hm, Hey,
but it's your neighbor. My daughter threw her ball over
and we you can see me, right, you can see me.
(43:57):
This is a ring camera, all right? Can I just
place that my daughter's ball? That's my ball? Dude, you're
a funked up neighbor. You know that no one likes you, man,
No one know you. How about the millions of people
who watch a Game of Thrones? Just them only then?
(44:18):
But no, no, nobody who knows you likes you. If
I were you, I would go and bark on some
crazy journey that leads you to some crazy places. Where
are you find some crazy beasts? Hey? Where's my ball?
Please here? Talk to him? Okay, guy? Is this Game
of Thrones? Guy? Yeah, it's Game with Thron. How you
(44:39):
doing a little a fan? I'm autograph. I do my
ball over the fence on purpose so you could sign
it and then we could get it back. Oh yeah,
yeah you did. What are you proud of your dad?
I'm so well? What's going on here? Do you wish
he was an actor? Somebody wish he was on Game
with Thrones? I do? I'm just gonna kill? Would you
(45:02):
give me? Where you going give me my daughter back?
All right? Now you see these papers at the door,
those our adoption papers? Are they already been signed by
my lawyer? What the heay, Dirk? I got those sandbags? Move?
Can I talk to you for a for a second? Yeah?
What's up? I gotta cut you open. I gotta cut
(45:23):
your open? Right? Where are you? Where are you a
little bit? Oh god, he's not the large testing. Maybe
he's going down in the coal and this butthole is
perfectly preserved. Where are you? Talk to me? You talk
(45:48):
to me, Dirk? Hang in there there. I'm gonna get
the medic there. We're gonna keep you alive. But I
need to get this magical salary STOCKSTI track. I think
we're her. I need to trick this my trick salary.
Start to the how to take him to the elves,
the only one that can heal something like this is
a terrible wound? How do okay? All right? Uh? Well?
(46:13):
Did I do something wrong? Like the right bend? Okay?
What do you get for us today? Well? Ben, go ahead,
tell him, tell him what we've got. Okay. I thought
I thought you would make introductions because okay, okay, he's
a christ. What's going on? This dot to me? This
(46:36):
giving me freak Well, I believe the dark eye of
shore On has cost a lot of confusion in the world.
You've got this sublery stick. It's been bitten half and
only I believe the power of the keeplers commend this mood. Yeah, well,
we don't just make cookies. It's true, but your story
(46:56):
is a little convoluted. Maybe we could just go point
we just get to the point of why you're here today.
I didn't I didn't even want to be a part
of this. I don't even want to be a part.
I was complaining about the unhealthy snacks. Magical salary snacks.
Start and come to the kibler else to complain about
(47:18):
unhealthy snacks. Look, this is an impressive factor. You got
in then in the base of this tree. Okay, so um,
so you are you were craft service but now you're
an actress or you've always been an actress? You just
did both right? Sure? Yeah? Okay, um, so um I
(47:38):
found you one casting Casting Casting com. Yes, I made
a profile just yesterday on my phone. So good, so good,
so um it's gonna be a little low budge. I mean,
I'm gonna get your feet. I'm gonna pay your feet. Um.
But like we're gonna do kind of like found footage style.
So I'm gonna seto up here on this large gate
(47:59):
and the action is you're gonna jump over this gate.
Can you run into that guy's house. He's an accurate
obviously he's some Game of Thrones anyway, and you're gonna
engage in an altercation. It's kind I'm not I don't
do stunts. I just um, I mostly actually do voice over,
so it's very limited in terms of my physical abilities. Okay, okay,
(48:21):
what do you just use your voice? Can you have
a conversation with him through this intercom and and and
and your motivation is to get him out of the
house and to hand the girl over. Hey man, we're
losing the like and we just start just already okay,
and that's what is to get this and okay, claim man,
that's crazy. Man. I don't really follow Awards season, but
(48:41):
that's nuts. They got a whole new another one of
those go pro CCTV movies that just made Oscars nomination.
That's sick, man. So you say normally you don't follow
it though, No, I don't know. I don't know, man,
I mean I got I got Roger here. I feel
like this my truck has been filled, which is like
friends fro He's told me you didn't pick up hitchhikers.
(49:01):
But it seems like if you see a person on
the side of the road, you can't pass him up.
Just a second, now, I'm trying to make a point.
How is it you know so much about these here
Academy awards. Follow me out, just hear what's going on?
I follow? Uh? He knews advance. He's great. It's like
a serious podcaster. Okay, pull over, fellow there in the road,
(49:23):
don't hit out. Let's go. You gotta help me. I
think I killed my boss. Uh uh. I was trying
to extract a magical cellary stock from his digestive track,
and then I saw the keebler elves. I think I
think I just might be hallucinating because I ate a
bunch of doughnut poofs. Okay, this is my body, buddy, Buddy,
(49:48):
calm down. Look, we're all running for something so much.
Please don't let him in here. You said he don't
pick up and got cut huh huh, And that was
a fantastic monologue. What's happening, what's happening? What's happening? You
tell everybody knows what's happening here? This iswer what half hour?
(50:16):
All right, that's large, sons of bitches. Oh good, you
tricked me. Sorry real quick. The police are here though, dude, guys, okay,
I did kill him him today, Oh man, just a
jolly gathering once more that ends in death. Let's thank you,
(50:40):
Jackie do Ruthie, thank you so much, damn it, thank
you for having me. What a good time? Yeah right,
oh yeah, Where can folks find you? Or what would
you like to direct them to? You know, Jackie, Ruthie
saw everywhere and I understand love the new billbook, my websites,
(51:03):
Jackie Gonzalez dot com that and that's what's up. A
little hyphen in there. No straight just all letters, letters,
letters followed by dot com com. It's super easy and
it's very good. Do you still have the link there
to Chris's yes, yes, okay, yes, good good, which like
(51:24):
if you haven't visited it, because I have, Let's just
say we clicked leaving me my husband, like we clicked
Chris dash Alvarado dot com and we said, whoa, oh,
Hollywood's getting served up a bad boy coming in coming
in hot. Chris, do you want to comment on the
(51:48):
coming in hot situation? Well, I do want to comment
on it's I used to have a link to your
instagram on my on my website, Jackie, did you ever
see that I had a link to your Instagram. I
had a link to j Ames is uh whatever the channel, Yeah,
whatever the funk? And then I had Joey's um good
Night album. So I do want to say you used
(52:09):
to be on there also, everybody, do you got Chris
nash Albert dot com. You look at the image she's
talking about. This is this is where the fuck I am? Yes,
because I'm how doing a drink. I don't drink anymore.
The cigarette. I don't smoke anymore, that's right. But I
still got that good hair and I look good in
the suit. Okay, actors, And that's what you're doing in
(52:30):
that photo. That's what I'm saying, Thank you, I'm done.
I'm done, Thanks for being here. Sure, Craigkowski again, still
drinking and smoking every morning at six am, buddy, right
after that dog walk. That is the Champions. Yeah. Uh,
you know, I recently promoted a bunch of different podcast
(52:50):
appearances that I did separately, but I'll do them all
in one place now, so you just have them together. Uh.
If you're a fan of the television show Community, six
Seasons in a Podcast is a fan podcast that recently
went on and talked about all my appearances on that
particular show. And uh, I did a little interview with
a gentleman in Vancouver, BC. It was a podcast called
(53:10):
Adventures an Improv where it kind of told some war
stories about my improv career. And then I don't think
it's come out yet, but hopefully soon. The Comedy Fixed
Chris Alvarado's podcast where we talked nuts and bolts comedy theory.
I had a blast doing that as well, So subscribe
and listen to all of those podcasts. Thank you for
that wonderful James Heeney. I just can't wait for April
(53:33):
twenty four at five thirty p m. Pacific time, where
we get to beyond digital. Not today, it's in one month.
It's a sketch Fest, Austin sketch Fest. Check it out.
Thanks James, and by us you mean okay, cool Joe,
(53:56):
did you know about this? I didn't and I guess
our alchemy. This instagram should have information on that as well,
and probably the Reddit page i'lchemy this pod and if not,
Chris dash Alvarado dot com we'll have every information. Yeah,
you gotta have a link to the fest And thanks
(54:17):
again Craig for that. Uh and thank you James for
stepping in from Mr Doug Bane let's help. Thank you
find folks at my Heart Media, and thank you all
for giving a good dash darn. We love having you
join us, and please write to us and every which
way you can let us know your thoughts and um,
(54:41):
we love your involvement in this show. As much or
as little as you'd like. Be kind to each other always,
it's the easiest route. And please still if you wouldn't
mind wear a damn mask when you go outside. All right,
that's our show for today, I remember. Until next time, welcome,
Gonna call
Welcome back to another episode Alchemy. Yes COVID nineteen one edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pod Yes that Why don't you
check with the landlord? What am I James Taylor's handy man?
But I digress. Let's meet her? Chamis shan't we in
no particular? PLU say hello cracket? Please share your first
(00:25):
time on any stage, on any stage? Question? Best friend
Toby and I, that's right, did puppet shows and some
I don't not sure how this happened, but we got
a gig to perform at the Springfield Mall in Springfield,
(00:47):
Virginia when we're about eight years old. And uh so,
uh we were hiding, you know, behind the table in
the in a blanket. You're holding our puppets up. You're
how old? I'm sorry? I was about eight years old.
And the show went fairly well, considering you couldn't see anyone. Uh,
(01:12):
I don't think anybody was paying attention. I don't know
why we were there. Um, and I've I've not continued
the puppetry. You just described the first You just described
the first thirty seven shows I did as a stand up. Yeah,
anyone knew I was magic? Uh? Yes, Hey, it's James Haney,
(01:38):
jelly roll, Jim, what is your bowling average? I'd say
once or twice a year. That cannot be that cannot
be true. Down UM's been. I've never been so happy.
(02:04):
My bowling afforage greatly between. Like you know, it depends
and if they have the bumpers up a b it depends,
and if it's a good day. Uh, and yeah, that's
I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I don't know
the afforage. I don't know it. Yeah, that is the answer.
(02:24):
And I I knew I had asked the right person.
And now here's Jackie Druthi, j and the d How
are you taking the j Rod breakup? You know what?
Thank you for asking because I do. I'm obsessed with
j Lo. When I was little, Like all my perfumes
were j Lo everything, Jlo, Jlo Jlo. I wanted to
(02:44):
be her, look like her everything. So how am I
taking it? I'm taking it? Um. You know, we can't
say we didn't see this coming. Uh. For me, if
I see like extreme doting on social media, I'm like,
there's a problem. You're covering something. The Valentine's Day posts.
Look at what he's done I'm like, this is too much,
(03:07):
This is too much. Um. So I can't say I'm surprised,
but I am devastated for my good friend j Lo.
Devastated for her children. Um and you know if they
are back together for publicity stunt or a business deal, like,
you know, power to her be the queen that she is. Again,
I knew I asked the right person. Yeah, you're saying
(03:29):
Caroline was not the right person. That was one of
the more priceless moments. Um. Yeah, And now here's Chris
Alvarado delicious soup to nuts. Prior to discovering surfing, what
sport were you any good at? Not? None, nothing, never
(03:50):
been And I'm not good at surfing either. Here's the
here's the problem. I'm six three, yeah, six three, I'm
fit ish people, as sue, people assume I can play
some sport. You know how many times in my adult
life other adult men have asked me to play basketball
with them, and I say I'm not good and then
they say, I'd like to guess, Yeah, how many? That's
(04:12):
a bit extreme, but a lot a dozen, doesn't. I mean,
I would ask you Baker's doesn't. And then here's what happens.
Here's what happens every time. Here's what happens. I said,
I'm not very good. They go, no, we're not very good.
Let's just play. We're just gonna play. Show up. I mean,
I got the fucking choose, I got the I look good,
I know how to address, and I'm six three and
(04:34):
get the ball in my hands and I'm so I'm
not I'm very bad. And here's what happens. We start playing,
and then they see how bad I actually am. And
then I could tell because their voices start going up.
They go like nice, dude, like like for me, and
then and and I can and I'm telling them like
I told you, and they go, oh yeah yeah. And
(04:55):
also with the last remaining five seconds of my time,
I just want to say that, um, Facebook memories, Facebook
reminders of memories, whatever, reminded me that Craig and I
did the show two years ago, two years ago today.
Look at that. Look at that? Friends, Yeah, okay, thank
you so much for this. Thank you. And that was
uh three in a row for me, uh asking the
(05:20):
correct person in that particular question. And last, but just Frank,
no beans for you. If you think of leaves, it's
joey greer birth control and shoes. When were you gonna
tell us that? You know what's crazy is like you
think you deserve to know? That's what piss me off?
Do you think you deserve like like when like I'm
(05:41):
supposed to, I don't have to tell you ship well,
you know what I'm saying. I don't have to do that,
but I choose to because I care, because I'm sensitive.
I'm a vulnerable guy. Uh and I just want to
be open. So the answer is right now. Thank you
for that. Let's do a damn show all of our
scene suggestions, either of course from your listen to emails,
(06:01):
or from our Patreon v I p s. They get priority.
Live with it to become a patron supporter of the
show and get said priority as well as exclusive content
and other perks. Just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy. This is if you'd like to submit
a scene the old timey way by sending me an
email because I'm the one who's gonna read him and
I can't wait. Please write to the podcast at your
(06:23):
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at see number one Today comes from Heather, who wrote, hello,
wonderful alchemists. Thank you for making me laugh out loud,
even while the world burns around us. James look away
for fox sake. Oh so this apparently was one that
James had access to. It. I just read an article
(06:44):
about paleontologists finding a perfectly preserved dinosaur butt hole. M
that's good dino buttle, and immediately knew I had to
tell you all about it. The article says that it
was a multi purpose glory hole and that the discover
is shedding light where the sun don't shine. Clever journalists.
(07:05):
But the best quote is quote it's like a Swiss
army knife of excreciatory openings. End quote. Vint said, quote
it does everything end quote. I have no idea how
this could be used as a scene, but I have
faith in you. Love you all. Head. Well, it's a cloaca, right,
I mean there was. They've said dinosaurs became birds, birds
(07:27):
known for the all purpose hole otherwise known as the cloaca.
Am I wrong, Craig, You're right about the cloaca. Yeah,
and also just a great word cloaca. Oh man, Yeah,
I was almost Countie Cloaca. That was almost my stage name. Tony.
What the hell is It's like, I can't print this.
(07:47):
What do you mean you can't print it? Story? It's
based on fact? What what? What part is the trouble
for you? Tony? Come on, look, I but this is
not the place. Okay, this is science. Jim, Jim, talk
to me. What's going on? Something at home? Yes, I'm
at home. It's so yeah, right, you can talk to me,
(08:08):
can you can't. I don't want to be a scientist
like you dad. Just just caiding about it for a second. Alright,
Just put on the stethoscope, all right, listen to roscope.
What does that have to do with science? Medicine is
a science, alright, just just put it on. Alright, Just look,
what do you want to look at? He doesn't love you.
(08:29):
He doesn't love you. I don't love your dad. You
know what you've been You've been filling them with this bullshit. Okay,
I work for a living, Okay, can't be home all
day doing well. I don't know what you're doing here.
Thank god, graphic are Thank god you make up shutting
the lamestream Mediah. God isn't real. God is not real.
(08:50):
It's not scientifically proven. That gotta I gotta be a priest. No,
son of mine is going to go into the clerks.
No no, no, no, no, no, no no, you're going
to go into the scientists and the maths. Are ready
to understand that I'm putting you in a math camp today.
That's not true. No you're not. I'm not doing a
math camp. I'm gonna be a Catholic priest. Don't sing that. No, no,
(09:15):
that's so institutionally. Hi, first day at math camp. We're
just gonna go around the circle. Everyone tell us how
excited you are to be here? Yes, you, little man.
What's your name? My name's Peter. I'm not really excited
for math camp. I like the addition, I like buy
an area, and I like computer programming. That's great, it's
right to have you. What was your name again, Peter?
(09:38):
Can we call you Pete? Yeah, okay, Pete. It's great
to have you. Here is camp for babies. I'm fifteen
years old. If we're gonna talk numbers, I'm gonna say,
welcome to camp math Camp. What is your name? Mr?
Fifteen Curtis Curtiss? Where did you come today? From? Where
(10:04):
they come from? Yeah? From God? Well? Okay, but God
created all of us. Yeah, of course, what do you
think give me a science explanation for why we're here? No,
I meant what town? Oh yeah, Denise, Look, I don't
have a lot of time something. Don't you work for me.
(10:27):
You're an archaeologist. You're supposed to be out in the field,
dustin digging, exactly. I don't have the time for this.
I have to go out into the field and dustin dig.
You you schedule this meeting, and I'm just letting you know.
We have to make it snappy because I just all right,
I don't got a lot of time. All right, what
you got? What you got? You got some teeth? You
gotta actually, um, I have a butt hole. Okay, alright,
(10:47):
you know what. Listen, listen, Denise, I told you I'm
not married, but I am seeing somebody. Okay, with these advances,
these passes, So you don't but your butt hole in here. No,
I definitely brought my own butth hole in here. I
can't go anywhere about my own dinosaurs but hole. And
(11:08):
it's actually, um, I'm presuming that it's a a prodactosaurus's butthole.
And what's so interesting about that is that um Podactosaurus,
much like a dog doesn't sweat. Podactosaurus is actually don't
sweat either, but they don't pant like a dog. It
all comes out the butthole to sweat this. I know
(11:29):
all of this. Okay, I'm the boss here. Okay, well,
I'm sorry to waste your time, and honestly, all right,
I understand what you're saying. It is. Okay, so you
discovered you have a butth hole and you want me
to see your butt hole. Okay, so, uh, I mean
I don't mind doing it, but I just want to
make sure I got this right. You want me to
(11:51):
for the re release a Jurassic Park go through and
c g I but holes acting like this is impossible.
It's not impossible, just like I mean, very specific and
it's a lot of work. But you're not passing judgment
on the idea, are you, because that's what I'm sensing. No,
if it's science, I mean, making movies is definitely a science. Now,
(12:16):
you can either add these buttholes or you can't. I can't.
I can't, step Stephen, It's Johnny Williams. Just wanted to
let you know that I'm I'm prepared to add the
butthole theme to the additional footage. Love to hear a peace? Great? Okay,
how does it? How does it go? Give me a tempo?
What is it? Guy? What are you getting? Well? We
all know the main theme of Jurassic Park. No, I'm
(12:43):
pretty sure that it's left me and it just Let
me just get whatever you have it now, no bad ideas?
Who are these people? See? These are just some interns
that I brought. I wrote the music. I know how
(13:04):
the theme to addressed Park. No. I think I think
they should tell you I wrote the music to a
little are You Go Go Go? I ever heard of it?
Ever heard it? That's it? What was I playing it first?
(13:31):
Let me play that again. I'm gonna play that first
part again. That's when they enter the park. But what
I'm doing is the you're doing yes, And that's the
park park entrance music. Anyway, the Island. I don't remember
(13:52):
what I titled. You can't get anything past the youth today, Joanny. Look, Denise,
I understand what you're saying. You've got a son, he's
away at camp. You're alone. I understand. I'm your boss, though. Okay,
you gotta dig, you gotta say, and you gotta yeah.
And what I'm telling you is that my son is
(14:12):
away from camp, so I actually have more time to
go sand and dig. To stop wasting my time right now.
She just feels like every time I look, I look,
I look, every time my eyes are open, my top
is off. And that is true. But that's just me
expressing myself in a way that's you don't have to
explain that. You want to explain that to me. I'm
(14:34):
your boss, I get it, okay, So that right now
we're wasting We're honestly, we're wasting time on semantics. I
have a lot of sun tanlution to put on, and
I have a lot of me and the and the
rest of care. We're gonna get the hell out of here.
We've been waiting out there and come here. What's your name?
What's your name? Dad's going on in here? What's your name? Eclaire? Claire? Claire?
(14:57):
Are you more of a digger more of a duster?
I mean both? Okay? Good? I like that. I like that,
And so what's your issue again? My issues? We've been
waiting out there. It's now seven pm. We've wasted all
the good lives. We're gonna do it, glad, We're gonna
do a night digg a cool man. So you want
me to go down and fill up the generators. You
(15:18):
want me to go get the gas, fill up the
generator so we can get the lights working. Those loud,
stinky ones. Every time with this guy describing his job duties,
just go do it for fun? Is that recrossant? Is
that what you want to do? You want to get
into this ocrosan, Yeah, I do want to get into this. Well,
you were given a direct or in my office, now
(15:39):
further into your office. Yeah, Brad, I'm sorry, we're not
gonna be able to fund the dig anymore. Excuse me,
we're not gonna be you have headpunes you take this office.
I don't know if you understanding the boss at this
(16:00):
dig this is a dig site. Yeah, Brad, I understand
that we're gonna cut funding from the dig. No, no, no,
it's because it's because you're waiting for a big payoff. Right,
you're waiting for a big fine, right, but not waiting
for we have find it's a butth hole. We got it.
But yes, And to be honest, a lot of your
(16:22):
reports are just creepy as hell. I mean the reports
you send back, Brad, I just just I like creative
non fiction. What can I say? Yeah, but this is science.
All right, Here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm
gonna keep digging. I'm gonna keep my team intact, and
we'll get back to you with a new exciting fine
very soon. I mean, with your own money. Just be
(16:43):
clear about that. We're we're stopping that. You're gonna pay
me money. Boo hoo, Dad, you have to fire someone
who cares. You don't understand, You don't know what it's like. Okay,
of course you think this is just a game. This
is real. Look, there's nothing I have to of this.
It's just now. It's two thousand years ago. There's no dinosaurs, Dad,
(17:07):
the one about this? Huh. I wasn't supposed to take
this out of the office. But look at this. This
is a real life dinosaur buttle. This is silver forty
million years old. But your finger, yeah, it's perfectly preserved.
Perfect I mean, look at the functionality of this thing.
I mean, based on just like you know, digital mock
ups were estimating that this orifice was able to do anything,
(17:31):
anything and everything. Mr Paterson, I'm I'm sorry interrupt this
moment of Junior Son and you, but I still like
to get paid. Also, he did not finish his juice,
and that was a problem for both of us. Let
me just say that. Okay, so sixty, Can I take
(17:54):
fifty eight dollars and just put my pinky in the dinosaur?
About all? Just a quick little I'm gonna give you six.
There's definitely is no god. This is actually my third
time here at math camp. Um. Some people say I
rule the camp. I wouldn't say that. Everybody says you
(18:15):
rule the camp. Yeah, it's been said. So I've actually
petitioned to have some more theater arts because I'm not
just good at math, I'm also good at theater arts.
So this summer we're gonna be gone the two. Yeah,
we're gonna be doing um. We're a staged reading of proof.
I'm sorry I started. Was there someone talking about theater here? Yeah?
(18:38):
Theater arts? Yeah, theater arts, but also math. Can you
come with us? But can you get in the suv um?
Do you have a warrant for that? We don't need
a warrant. We work with the camp. We're not allowed
to have any think. I think she's right, I think
we need a wart d. No, we're good Okay, we
work with the camp. How come you're not wearing a sure? Okay,
(19:04):
we're here. On a second, dear j you're not getting
that STV. We need to see some sort of credentials here.
You can't just over the camp. She was clearly talking
about theater. Put her in the suv and get her
out of the camp. Camp now, children, you're the king gentlemen. Please,
I'm trying to conduct a camp here. This is a
math camp. What do you do camp? Not a little
(19:26):
theater camp? Right? Camp? Who are you? You worked with
the math? No? I mean just tell them, tell him,
tell them you're not coming. You're not just like a counselor.
Who are you? We shouldn't be. We work with black
Water and scout by the camp to make sure of
(19:49):
that only maths get done here. Right, you're gonna arrest
my children because they uh Dante right, I don't know
what else to say? Uh on here? Yeah? Did dad
not let you play with the math tools? No? Uh
no that was it wasn't playtime with math? So business business?
(20:13):
Um so you thought I knew it. I'll do I'll
round up children, that'll be my job. I'm just gonna
escort off the premises of We're gonna drop Rock. So Stephen,
you're saying that you're adding a C. G. I butt
hole to the shark because that was your vision all
along and the technology didn't allow you to to do
(20:33):
it back wasn't ready yet. Okay, Well everybody knows the
famous Jaws theme, right, we do? John? If I could
ask you, uh, do you want to put your pinky
in it? You have the butt hole here? Yes? I did,
(20:56):
and then this is a real sharks bud hole, or
this is the dinosaur butthole. This is the dinosaur butthole
is going to be cast as Bruce's bdole. Yeah, I
had to make me a mock up. Kids. Can you
get it out of the van? Please? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah
we can't. Okay, yeah, well are they theater kids are
(21:18):
math kids? Now? John? The only reason I'm asking if
you want to put your pinky in it because ever
so far, everyone who has magical things happen. Okay, I
like something to another world. I need some music bite here,
some some sound bite that makes the audience they their
own buttholes tighten. Right, That's what I'm going for. Stephen.
(21:42):
I'm so so sorry we went to the van. We
went to go get the butthole. Where's the well? Um,
we were sucking around, we were we were doing the
Budweiser toads, you know, we were just but but then
we got method and we started hopping around and like
basically boom, I was a frog, she was a frog.
I was a frog. She was a frog. It was
(22:04):
bouncing between us and ended up being he's wallowed its
side of me. Oh that's interesting, Okay, I can work
with that. That is, I don't want to put my
pinky in it. John, just a second, if you put
your pinky in Larry, Mr and Mrs Lawson. I'm sorry
(22:26):
to bring you this news, but there was an accident
of Maths camp and something happened to Pete he Um
wait Math's camp was this in the UK? Well, I
mean it's it's it's always pronounced Maths, you know, let's
be real in the UK. Yeah, but I mean the
UK started it, so Lit's not I mean, I know,
not zero early. We need to get this straight. What happened?
(22:52):
Why suck your son is he's doing monologus in the
front of Oh god, what somebody got to him? And uh,
he loves performance. He was going to be a doctor scientist.
(23:15):
He's on Samuel French's website right now and he's just
buying everything he camp. He told me that he went
to some goddamn theater camp. No, sir, apparently at the
maths camp. That's what we're going to. He was introduced
to a another camper who was obsessed with I don't
know how they got through. Who's done this to my fie.
(23:41):
We can't give out that kind of personal information, ma'am.
I'm so sorry, but just no damn it. Black Water
and One too about to us today by patron Alcamnia
Hayley Bob Hayley, who wrote, high, I hope everyone is
(24:04):
doing well. My scene suggestion is something weird is happening
at the thirty three Annual Cowboy Poetry Symposium. Sure, what
would do it? Just take a number that TA number
and then we'll be able to call you what number
of Mike, Because I can't be here all day, We'll
(24:24):
just pull something out of the ball right there, and
then we'll be able to see what number you got.
So it's just wreck and even if your number gets
pulled early, it's only appropriate for you to stay and
watch everybody else that goes after. You can't just read
and run, Clam. While I appreciate your opinion, I'm gonna
shove it where I shove all the other opinions. And
that's up your ass. Now. Then I just randomly pull
(24:46):
up number out of the number. He's not staying to
listen to all the poets. Don't give him a number.
I don't mind him. That's clam and he's a pain
and everybody's ass. So here we go, just number seven.
Look at that, eat it seth lam. Right, we'll just
uh write your name down right there for number seven,
and alright, then everything organizemat number. It just just where
(25:12):
the poetry happens. It's my turn to pull the number.
But he, I mean, he was just this question if
this was a poetry. But I'm like, all eyes on
me while I pull a number, and he just seems
like he's walking up trying to get a number. We
don't know what his motives are. He just came up. Sure,
you don't know what my motives are. She's right, No,
(25:36):
I'm just asking, is this where the poetry happens? Yeah,
it's a beautiful pen. So yeah, when you pull that number,
just you can write it right down there. All right,
thank you kindly, number first before you write your not down.
It's it's my turn to pull a number though. I'll
(25:58):
just sit back. A cold day, a steady steed. The
wheat was yellow, the water was cold. It was a
cold day that made the water cold, but my steed
(26:20):
was as steady as ever. And please just come up here.
I'm practicing it. I told you I'm practicing. Hey, you
better get in there and help you gotta help your mom. Okay,
come in my room. No, I'm practicing. Get out. Sorry,
(26:42):
sorry me, sorry me, okay. It was a cold day,
a steady steed. The river was cold. The cold day
made the river water cold, but the steed was as
steady as ever. And you better get your daughter in
the shape. I'll tell you what what what do you
(27:05):
mean or what I'm saying. I'll tell you what. Tell me?
Then she God, dang it. We got chores to do
around here. I understand that dollar is gonna do them.
Just shut up and just smoke that cigarette and eat
that lunchable. I love you and that's the truth. Fine,
(27:26):
I'll do whatever you guys want. You ruined my practice anyways,
you know, what we need to do. We need you
to sweep the porch, and then we need you to
dust off that old magical cowboy hat. And don't you
put that cowboy hat on wishes. I've always ducked it off.
(27:47):
Number fifty four. There's almost nobody else, Like, how can
I be number fifty four? Do I have to write
my name down? That's number fifty four. It's a random thing.
Claim it's not personal. This is bullshit. I mean, this
is bullshit. I've been sitting here waiting to get in line,
and alright, fine, I put my clam rogers. Wait a second.
(28:11):
Claim You said he've been sitting here waiting to get
in line, so you weren't even in line. Well, I
was waiting to see the competition, so clam waite taking.
So you just pulled an illegal ball out. That's not
talking about I. We're gonna have to just qualify. You're
not allowed to do anything. I'll waiting. I read poetry
in this contest every year. Claim I'm sorry, that's just
(28:31):
them the rules. If you weren't in line, you can't pool.
Well I was. I got in line after after I waited,
But you were waitingited line. But you weren't in the
line to pool claim. Don't you understand these are the rules?
H claim. I'm sorry, we're gonna have to borrow you
from doing any kind of poetry for the next I
(28:54):
got poetry in my heart. Well, it looks like we're
gonna be judging this here symposium together. They called me
the high ku kid. Well yeah, I'm just getting everything
organized so the other judges should be coming up in
a second though. But you know, oh, you're not one
of the judges. No, I'm not. I want you know.
(29:16):
They've asked me, but I said no, I don't. Well, thanks,
thank you, but one of the judges. Sorry, sorry, what
do they call you? Librick Larry? Oh, librick Larry. I've
(29:36):
heard of you. There once was a young man from someplace.
You're probably talking about me. Hey, uh, baby girl, you
in there doing your poetry? Yes, we opened the door.
(29:58):
Please he look, thank you. My brakes man sing. Someone's
in trouble. No, look, look, I want to apologize for
(30:23):
yelling at you. Okay, I know you love this thing.
It's just your mom and I we want you to
do good, great, better things. But I do great poetry. Listen,
I believe you. Now. I was on the internet just
not five minutes ago. I came across an advertisement. You
(30:44):
know how, let the government listen to everything we say.
Of course, Well they must have heard you talking about poetry,
because it turns out I don't know what this word means.
But there was a cowboy poetry symposium happening at at
the Square today and I can go to it. We
(31:05):
can't tell your mama. We can't tell your mama this
isn't the government, Daddy. I put on the magical hat.
I put it on after I just diagnamic we told
you not to. I'm I'm so alright. Alright, what's done
is done. What's done is done. And let's tell your
mama that we gotta go finding some new pigs. What
do you say, Okay, yes, she's got to find me
(31:26):
some new pigs. No, tell her that we're gonna go
look for pigs so we can get you to suppose
you have to do what you need to do. Goddamn
remote don't even working. We need new batteries. Oh what
the hell y'all want? Um? Nothing to say? Nothing to say? Well,
if you're gonna say something, to make sure that new
(31:47):
batteries she's okay, all right, pigs pigs, pigs. No, we're
gonna go look at the well. Next up. I believe
we have number number fifty five. It should be pretty interesting. Yes,
one number sounds more interesting than any other number. Well,
(32:09):
if you don't notice, this is a lady. This is
a lady compete. There's a lady in front of me.
Limerick Larry. Yeah, and this is uncommon. This is a
cowboy poetry symposium. Should start. Sorry, sorry, we're just talking
amongst ourselves. Are we sure this is legal in a
(32:30):
cowboy poetry symposium. Well, you're saying, ah, you're saying this
young girl can't be a cowboy Limerick Larry. I'm not sure.
I had never seen no lady compete in a cowboy
symposium before. I'm just afraid you're building up to something
up scene. Every every fifth sentence, this guy says it's
(32:53):
something super dirty. Anyway, Yeah, you go ahead, young we'd
love to hear what you got. No problem. I'll start
and it will be the best poem yet. By the
tip of my hat. Magic. Have you ever seen a
(33:16):
sky so blue? I've seen it with my eyes of two,
my ass in the saddle. You hear a snake and
it's giving me a rattle a wing sign with the
tip of its tail. But my god, the snake is
(33:37):
the size of a whale. Oh am I going to do?
Do I shoot it or shoot myself? No, just give
me a gun. Well, that was that was fantastic. You know,
I specialized in poems of exactly seventeen syllables, but that
(34:00):
those rhyming couplets were beautiful. And then when you deliberately
broke the pattern for the last two lines, that was
that was surprising. What do you say, don't le Well,
I gotta be honest, it came in. It is quite
the surprise. I ain't never seen a lady competing cowboy contest.
And I usually do do some I said to do.
(34:22):
I usually have some rhyming in my schemes as well. Yeah,
I mean I normally pick up whoever man. You know.
So you said your name was clam right, Is that right? Yeah?
I've competed in the uh the Cowboy Poetry SYMPOSI many years.
(34:43):
There was a technicality I'm not allowed in. It's later
he gets up there. That's a shame, man, that's a shame.
And I guess your car broke down with that look.
I don't care why your hitchhiken. You know, I'm happy
to thank you. Know I'm drive these roads a lot
on my loans from so so nice. I have some company,
you know. All right, well, thank you, thank you. How
do you believe in the magical artifacts? Congratulations, baby girl,
(35:07):
congratulation And I want us a horse. We no longer
have to ride the pict darling. I was thinking, wouldn't
you have felt better about that wind if you didn't
cast that magical spell on them? Judges? First? Now, don't
you want to know how your poetry holds up against
other poets that didn't cast a spell on I tip?
(35:30):
I'd gave a tip of my hat because that's just
proper etiquette. And yes it was the magic hat, but
I didn't. Maybe you've cast a spell, a liking spell.
They have to like you. Now. It's a nice horse,
nice horse. I'm never going to be good enough. What, darling,
(36:02):
Oh my god, say your daddy. He just ride out
of here on the horse. Yeah, and I don't know
if he's ever going to come back. Oh my god,
I'm so sorry. I gott tell you this, but there's
a horrible accident your house. A whole bunch of wild
pigs out of the house. They tore it up. That
they ate every today. Ate your mom. The pigs ate
your mom. You are known to eat human flesh. That
is a fact everything. I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish just
(36:28):
on anybody, my my worst enemy. How the hell has happened?
I wasted wishes, I've already used all my five wishes. Oh, ship,
fucking ship. And those are not wild pigs. Those are
our pigs. They were seeking vengeance. They're pissed. We're supposed
to ride them. Well. Welcome back to the thirty fourth
(36:49):
Annual Cowboy Poetry Symposium. Wait, we have last year's champion here.
It's it's good to see you back, Dolly. It's been
a rough year, but I'm happy to be here. Yeah,
you said your poem this year is just gonna it's
gonna get real whenever you're ready. Thank you. This poetry
(37:16):
is about blood. This poetry is about my body, this
poetry in mind. I'm sorry, but I just want to
remind her this is a family event, and it sounds
like she's gonna talk about blood and bodies. Are you right?
Fucking limericks for to putting the Limerick where he belongs.
(37:45):
Seen three today comes us from Batter Batter, who wrote, Hi, honest,
I have a good one this time. I think Lord
of the Rings characters on their way to destroy the Ring,
get lost and find themselves in Game of Thrones universe,
can't wait here order up on this one office. I
thought it was the worst I've ever read, so I
had to include it with this fellowship. We will traverse
(38:12):
the lands until we meet ourselves at more dog stop
being real quick right there? Sorry, are you doing some
kind Not really, No, not really, okay, I'm just kind
of affecting a certain kind of right. It's coming like
you're being a little hokey, and we want folks to
(38:32):
really have an adventure here. Okay. You know I was
on Game of Thrones, you know that, right, That's why
we're all here, because you know that Thrones. Well, yes,
of course, yeah. It was pretty much a core character
through that. So people love me, you know, they do,
they do, and they have a certain expectation. I think
that because we did when we hired you. So yeah,
(38:52):
well I'm aragone now, all right, all right, yeah, I
think that's where the who are you talking too? I'm
talking you talking to the evil eye of Soreomon Jesus Christ,
and you keep talking to someone in the sky. All right,
can we just cut for a second, Jason, can you
just pull out for a second? Would you pull out?
(39:14):
You don't have to be method all the time. This
is this is insane. You know what. I quit. If
you want me, you can find me at my house.
Oh my god, everyone take five. Excuse me. Um, I
happen to know all of his lines? Um, yeah, um,
I know. I'm just here too, like give you give
(39:37):
you some some doughnut puffs and I'm just having that.
But you know I've watched and I'm an oratory learner,
and let's all of his lines? Okay, great, yeah, yeah,
let's give it a shot. Were the doughnut boots? Oh?
Oh wait, just give me one second. I need a
godda donut poo he this most thing? Okay, okay, okay, okay,
(40:04):
this is all your worth. Okay, I'm ready. You're not
the real Aragon. You're not part of the fellowship where
all the fellowship we needed to live for this ring
to motor um, that's actually not his que line. So
should where am I? What are these what are these
(40:27):
mechanical devices? Hey, Arragon, it's your neighbors. I don't I know,
it's not your name's what you have us? Call you
Steve your neighbor. Are you in there, Bud? Yeah, I
see you. Hey. Um look man, you haven't been paying
the h O apes, you know, and that's a monthly
(40:49):
thing and it helps keep up with the step around here.
What's up? Are you serious? What do you mean, Bud?
I was Game of Thrones? M hmm yeah, yeah, what
were you on? Let's right, you're an accountant. Yeah. Look,
(41:14):
so it's a doughnut wrapped in a puff pastry. It's really,
really really food. It's really good, trust me, man, Why
why don't they have more healthy snacks around here? They
wonder why all of us grips are so fat? Like
I just I just want some some you know, celery sticks.
It's like it's more expensive to get um organic goods,
(41:36):
and if it's not organic then really you're just eating
like chemicals. It's just crap, would you It's more expensive
to see a cardiologist for them for something healthier down
here on Crafty it's me the magical salary stick. Is
anybody else here? This I'm gonna go back into via booth.
(42:02):
I'm talking to you, Ben, only you can see me. Yeah.
Here you're you're a talking celery stick. That's right, I'm
magic magic. That's right. Ben should eat its tasty alright,
little blue cheese. Ben. We need you to get on
the sand bags. You know what I mean. I tell
(42:28):
you a hundred of times today, that's what I do.
You killed it, sary, stuff it sandbags. Get your head
in the game ship, Ben, Ben, Well, you're all right now?
(42:51):
From my body back? Who shot my body back? Then? Oh,
it's in his digestive system? Who's from me? A new body?
Look at this? Look at this poor poor celery stick
of magic. You you see the dark sorcery too. We've
got to bring and we've got to get the other
(43:13):
half of this stick back. How do I do it go?
How do I do it? Tell me? Where did you go? Yeah?
That the head of my crew bit when he spent
half of it out, The other is probably in his
digestive track. You know, you're the only beat person here
that sees through the dark sorcery of this world. We
(43:34):
need to split that man open and get the bottom half. Hey,
um Arian, um My daughter threw her ball over and
we saw you take it inside your house. M hm, Hey,
but it's your neighbor. My daughter threw her ball over
and we you can see me, right, you can see me.
(43:57):
This is a ring camera, all right? Can I just
place that my daughter's ball? That's my ball? Dude, you're
a funked up neighbor. You know that no one likes you, man,
No one know you. How about the millions of people
who watch a Game of Thrones? Just them only then?
(44:18):
But no, no, nobody who knows you likes you. If
I were you, I would go and bark on some
crazy journey that leads you to some crazy places. Where
are you find some crazy beasts? Hey? Where's my ball?
Please here? Talk to him? Okay, guy? Is this Game
of Thrones? Guy? Yeah, it's Game with Thron. How you
(44:39):
doing a little a fan? I'm autograph. I do my
ball over the fence on purpose so you could sign
it and then we could get it back. Oh yeah,
yeah you did. What are you proud of your dad?
I'm so well? What's going on here? Do you wish
he was an actor? Somebody wish he was on Game
with Thrones? I do? I'm just gonna kill? Would you
(45:02):
give me? Where you going give me my daughter back?
All right? Now you see these papers at the door,
those our adoption papers? Are they already been signed by
my lawyer? What the heay, Dirk? I got those sandbags? Move?
Can I talk to you for a for a second? Yeah?
What's up? I gotta cut you open. I gotta cut
(45:23):
your open? Right? Where are you? Where are you a
little bit? Oh god, he's not the large testing. Maybe
he's going down in the coal and this butthole is
perfectly preserved. Where are you? Talk to me? You talk
(45:48):
to me, Dirk? Hang in there there. I'm gonna get
the medic there. We're gonna keep you alive. But I
need to get this magical salary STOCKSTI track. I think
we're her. I need to trick this my trick salary.
Start to the how to take him to the elves,
the only one that can heal something like this is
a terrible wound? How do okay? All right? Uh? Well?
(46:13):
Did I do something wrong? Like the right bend? Okay?
What do you get for us today? Well? Ben, go ahead,
tell him, tell him what we've got. Okay. I thought
I thought you would make introductions because okay, okay, he's
a christ. What's going on? This dot to me? This
(46:36):
giving me freak Well, I believe the dark eye of
shore On has cost a lot of confusion in the world.
You've got this sublery stick. It's been bitten half and
only I believe the power of the keeplers commend this mood. Yeah, well,
we don't just make cookies. It's true, but your story
(46:56):
is a little convoluted. Maybe we could just go point
we just get to the point of why you're here today.
I didn't I didn't even want to be a part
of this. I don't even want to be a part.
I was complaining about the unhealthy snacks. Magical salary snacks.
Start and come to the kibler else to complain about
(47:18):
unhealthy snacks. Look, this is an impressive factor. You got
in then in the base of this tree. Okay, so um,
so you are you were craft service but now you're
an actress or you've always been an actress? You just
did both right? Sure? Yeah? Okay, um, so um I
(47:38):
found you one casting Casting Casting com. Yes, I made
a profile just yesterday on my phone. So good, so good,
so um it's gonna be a little low budge. I mean,
I'm gonna get your feet. I'm gonna pay your feet. Um.
But like we're gonna do kind of like found footage style.
So I'm gonna seto up here on this large gate
(47:59):
and the action is you're gonna jump over this gate.
Can you run into that guy's house. He's an accurate
obviously he's some Game of Thrones anyway, and you're gonna
engage in an altercation. It's kind I'm not I don't
do stunts. I just um, I mostly actually do voice over,
so it's very limited in terms of my physical abilities. Okay, okay,
(48:21):
what do you just use your voice? Can you have
a conversation with him through this intercom and and and
and your motivation is to get him out of the
house and to hand the girl over. Hey man, we're
losing the like and we just start just already okay,
and that's what is to get this and okay, claim man,
that's crazy. Man. I don't really follow Awards season, but
(48:41):
that's nuts. They got a whole new another one of
those go pro CCTV movies that just made Oscars nomination.
That's sick, man. So you say normally you don't follow
it though, No, I don't know. I don't know, man,
I mean I got I got Roger here. I feel
like this my truck has been filled, which is like
friends fro He's told me you didn't pick up hitchhikers.
(49:01):
But it seems like if you see a person on
the side of the road, you can't pass him up.
Just a second, now, I'm trying to make a point.
How is it you know so much about these here
Academy awards. Follow me out, just hear what's going on?
I follow? Uh? He knews advance. He's great. It's like
a serious podcaster. Okay, pull over, fellow there in the road,
(49:23):
don't hit out. Let's go. You gotta help me. I
think I killed my boss. Uh uh. I was trying
to extract a magical cellary stock from his digestive track,
and then I saw the keebler elves. I think I
think I just might be hallucinating because I ate a
bunch of doughnut poofs. Okay, this is my body, buddy, Buddy,
(49:48):
calm down. Look, we're all running for something so much.
Please don't let him in here. You said he don't
pick up and got cut huh huh, And that was
a fantastic monologue. What's happening, what's happening? What's happening? You
tell everybody knows what's happening here? This iswer what half hour?
(50:16):
All right, that's large, sons of bitches. Oh good, you
tricked me. Sorry real quick. The police are here though, dude, guys, okay,
I did kill him him today, Oh man, just a
jolly gathering once more that ends in death. Let's thank you,
(50:40):
Jackie do Ruthie, thank you so much, damn it, thank
you for having me. What a good time? Yeah right,
oh yeah, Where can folks find you? Or what would
you like to direct them to? You know, Jackie, Ruthie
saw everywhere and I understand love the new billbook, my websites,
(51:03):
Jackie Gonzalez dot com that and that's what's up. A
little hyphen in there. No straight just all letters, letters,
letters followed by dot com com. It's super easy and
it's very good. Do you still have the link there
to Chris's yes, yes, okay, yes, good good, which like
(51:24):
if you haven't visited it, because I have, Let's just
say we clicked leaving me my husband, like we clicked
Chris dash Alvarado dot com and we said, whoa, oh,
Hollywood's getting served up a bad boy coming in coming
in hot. Chris, do you want to comment on the
(51:48):
coming in hot situation? Well, I do want to comment
on it's I used to have a link to your
instagram on my on my website, Jackie, did you ever
see that I had a link to your Instagram. I
had a link to j Ames is uh whatever the channel, Yeah,
whatever the funk? And then I had Joey's um good
Night album. So I do want to say you used
(52:09):
to be on there also, everybody, do you got Chris
nash Albert dot com. You look at the image she's
talking about. This is this is where the fuck I am? Yes,
because I'm how doing a drink. I don't drink anymore.
The cigarette. I don't smoke anymore, that's right. But I
still got that good hair and I look good in
the suit. Okay, actors, And that's what you're doing in
(52:30):
that photo. That's what I'm saying, Thank you, I'm done.
I'm done, Thanks for being here. Sure, Craigkowski again, still
drinking and smoking every morning at six am, buddy, right
after that dog walk. That is the Champions. Yeah. Uh,
you know, I recently promoted a bunch of different podcast
(52:50):
appearances that I did separately, but I'll do them all
in one place now, so you just have them together. Uh.
If you're a fan of the television show Community, six
Seasons in a Podcast is a fan podcast that recently
went on and talked about all my appearances on that
particular show. And uh, I did a little interview with
a gentleman in Vancouver, BC. It was a podcast called
(53:10):
Adventures an Improv where it kind of told some war
stories about my improv career. And then I don't think
it's come out yet, but hopefully soon. The Comedy Fixed
Chris Alvarado's podcast where we talked nuts and bolts comedy theory.
I had a blast doing that as well, So subscribe
and listen to all of those podcasts. Thank you for
that wonderful James Heeney. I just can't wait for April
(53:33):
twenty four at five thirty p m. Pacific time, where
we get to beyond digital. Not today, it's in one month.
It's a sketch Fest, Austin sketch Fest. Check it out.
Thanks James, and by us you mean okay, cool Joe,
(53:56):
did you know about this? I didn't and I guess
our alchemy. This instagram should have information on that as well,
and probably the Reddit page i'lchemy this pod and if not,
Chris dash Alvarado dot com we'll have every information. Yeah,
you gotta have a link to the fest And thanks
(54:17):
again Craig for that. Uh and thank you James for
stepping in from Mr Doug Bane let's help. Thank you
find folks at my Heart Media, and thank you all
for giving a good dash darn. We love having you
join us, and please write to us and every which
way you can let us know your thoughts and um,
(54:41):
we love your involvement in this show. As much or
as little as you'd like. Be kind to each other always,
it's the easiest route. And please still if you wouldn't
mind wear a damn mask when you go outside. All right,
that's our show for today, I remember. Until next time, welcome,
Gonna call
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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