February 4, 2020 • 57 mins
Pet Adoption Day—Cats vs Dogs; Teeny-Tiny Family-Owned Burger Joint; Paranoid Family Visits Amusement Park.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode. Oh alchemy based on the
most Kevin Pollock. Yes that's Kevin Pollard. Sure, no problem,
the answer to the quiz of seven and the at symbol,
the elephant, stampy and peaks. But I let's meet our alchemists,
shall we? No particular order? Say hello to Chris Alorada.
Hey it's me Chrissie. What's the actual HAPs the craps?
(00:27):
Yeahs on the craps. There it is. Look behind and
see Dr James Heeney car Asada, Jim, give one good
reason to stop loving you. Um, I'm taking the sweetest
reason really was in a sincere cock block. Oh look
it's v us A Raglan. What's your pick for best
(00:47):
picture at the upcoming oscar Um, I'm assuming you've seen none?
Um ah oh one of those foreign documentary because that's
that was the best. What's well played? Joey Grier? How
(01:08):
are you, buddy? I'm doing good? Yeah, okay, are doing great? Yeah?
Freaking yeah. It's Caroline Connor. Caroline, do you not want
me to do that thing for you with the guy
in the trunk? I need you to do it. He
said you would do it two weeks ago. Now it stinks, okay,
just making sure you still need that. And last, but
(01:29):
have poop scoop pop in your shoot. If you think
of leash, it's Craig Kikowski, Kako. Can you still see
stuff the rest of us can't? I can see in
four dimensions. I can see the past, I can see
the future. I can see this is gonna be a
great episode, but not all of us will make it.
(01:53):
That's got your back, watch your back. All right, let's
do the damn show. Uh. If you'd like to become
one of our patron v i P members, just go
to patreon dot com alchemy this, Patreon dot com, slash
alchemy this. Although it's all of our scene suggestions are
gathered from our listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast your name here at alchemy
(02:14):
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. I love reading your emails, so please keep
sending them and thank you. Our first scene goes out
to a patron v i P member, actually Sean Worth,
because that's the name. Thanks for the reminder, uh, he writes,
because I wrote him. Don't forget you have Here's my
scene suggestion. It's adoption day at the pet store. So
the dogs are on their best behavior, but the cats,
(02:37):
none of whom have human thumbs, are interesting trying to sabotage.
Are trying to sabotage the dogs. I really enjoy what
you did with my previous suggestion, which became doctors who
need borders uh toats? Putting that Collabo totes Putting that
Collabo on my LinkedIn a douciest statement ever, but thankfully
(03:03):
it seemed purposeful. Kevin, I assume you're okay with second
billing unless I hear from you fair enough. And that
was from Shaun Warmouth. Yes, we gotta make sure that
let's just make sure the heat's going through the whole
the whole thing, okay, because we want one of the animals.
Hi parton me? Is this where we adopt dogs? Yes? Yes,
I'm not bigly that fond of cats. If you could
(03:24):
keep them away from me that allergic the goods probably
probably yea. So we have a couple of different breeds
available at the Certainly interrupt you said, do you want
to heat throughout the whole facility? Yeah, it's that's gonna
cost something. I know it's gonna cost something. Obviously it's
gonna cost something. What do you mean it's not free?
(03:44):
You got me? Yeah, come on, I'll go fix it. Yeah,
just just open a vent or something. It's not that easy.
Well then whatever it is. If he gets two events,
I'm the h fact person here. I'll take care of it. Okay,
it's gonna cost I didn't think it. Can you believe
this guy? Tell him he's gonna cost. Of course it's
gonna cause you're coming over here. Everybody did a big
guy turned open your right? You have to. We're gonna him.
(04:11):
I think he's talking. I think he's talking about just
drinks me. No, no, no, they're taking what's going on?
The cat? Oh my god, that cat was so fun
(04:33):
to hang out with. I'm not a big cat, but
that was crazy. Guys, I gotta tell me tell you something.
I know it's your first time potentially getting adopted. I've
been here for five years. If I stay one more
week and getting killed, let me tell you don't then
when we should we should, we shouldn't make sure you could.
(04:54):
I'm not going to get adopted. I'm not going to
get adopted. You're so cute. No, I'm not I'm a
furlest dog. You're my mom. I was bored here. I've
never known anything else. I don't know that I even
want to leave. And that's why I want something benefit
my son. Man. I want to kill those animals. Man,
he's gotta wait one more week, man, then we can
kill those animals. Yeah, we get the exact day on
(05:14):
each of them, right, yeah, we do. Yeah, they killed day. Damn.
I want to kill those animals, man, Shirley, you're the van.
I'm in the van. Okay, I'm in the HVAC system.
I'm in the a C ducts in areas impossible, right,
all right, all right, hey listen, I'm getting a real
pet smelling here. All right, so I'm dead. Oh my god,
(05:41):
Oh my god, surely get in here. I'm in the van.
Get your ass in here, Shirley, as is not gonna
fit in to this. I can't get it. Terrific. Oh
my yeah, I can't wait to kill those animals. Just
put them in the vent, man, put them in the
vent killing. That's what we do. Yes, yes, I'm gonna
(06:03):
kill dog, then gonna kill cat, kill the dog. I
don't mean to interrupt you, guys, but I was Who
do I talk to about getting a dog for my son? Nobody?
You leave those dogs in that you hear me? Yeah,
I have considered a breeder. No, I've heard the dogs.
Breeders are better. These guys bothering you. No, I don't
(06:25):
know for sure. Adoption day my son is not adoption day.
They don't work for the pet story. They're an outside contractor.
I please don't interact with the custom They're just working
with dog water, Daddy. I like the hairless one, Daddy.
Can we find out about the hairless one, the one
with no dog? Or you don't You don't want that.
You don't want that one. You don't want that one
that wasn't these guys you're carrying me that does one
(06:48):
more week and does one more week, and I take
it away. Listen, listen, you step back from my socker,
get back in your van. Okay, you can't that? Yes,
what the hell is that? I please see. I would
love to introduce you to our friend Baxter. He is
hypo allergenic. Yes, give me a Baxter. No, no heat,
(07:14):
that's just his tongue. Um. Tell me, your buddy is
your chance. If you can understand Baxter's five years old.
You know some we should really get something that's younger
because we wanted to last through your childhood. What does
that even mean? Well, it just means if it's five
now and dog years, it's half way child. My child
(07:35):
is seven. Oh well this dog will last through a child.
What let's talk about what do you consider a childhood? Well,
I would like it to still have a lot of
energy to play with my son when he's like fourteen
or fifteen, and then he'll probably get poured with I
don't care, Baxter, you don't care now, but give it
five more years. I think the Baxter has at least
thirteen more years and it really let's get it's okay, hey,
(07:58):
re memory, I said it was gonna cost you something
to fix a system. I gotta show you some pictures.
I just took off what's lodged in the unit of there? Okay,
ma man lodged in the unit pictures? I'm good, Okay.
I don't know what it sounds like. I know it
sounds I know what it sounds like. I know it
sounds like, and I know what it sounds like. It
sounds like. Its gross picture? What the fun is that?
(08:22):
All these pictures? Oh? My god, is zooming is a subreddit?
Is it? What is this? This is sub I can't
make a this is what's lodged in your unit? Hey guys,
I think Baxter or maybe getting a home tips. So
here's what I've counted so far. I've counted seventeen dog
(08:43):
bo dog skeletons, and like, I don't know, fifty sixty
cats and I'm not gonna listen. Look at these lizards.
Why are those there? I don't know these are animals?
Like those things. I don't know the escaped and gun,
the HVAC or we lost that many animals. I don't Yeah,
(09:05):
these rights from the outside. I guess we don't even
sell lizards. Did you say lizards? We don't sell lizards.
King on, it could be a kimono. I don't look.
If we've got an exotic animal cemetery up there, we
could be in big trouble. Relax, Relax story. Just then,
(09:30):
we've got an exotic animal bones and a graveyard of
some sword in the air conditioning duct of Animal Rescue
to the street. Hold on, Bill, let's let's standing Bill.
Let's just see and hold on Bill, Let's get it
(09:56):
right before we pass into Charlie. Okay, I thought I
was doing this point say we're gonna get to you. Okay,
but Bill, let's just get it. I'm standing right beside it.
This is all live. I know it's live, but it's
my ass. So Bill, why don't we Bill? You know
you can hear me. I hear you, but I throw
it back to Bill. Cloud storm standing the weather. Hold
(10:17):
on Cloud, you want to give us a quick update
while waiting, Cloud, you can hear me. Bill can't hear me, Okay,
throwing back to Bill. Okay, guys, it's seventy two degrees
in height and beautiful twenty degrees celsius out there. We're
looking at a cloud cover that's gonna go over the mountain.
Other news. We've got to throw it. So look, here's
(10:38):
what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'm gonna go there with
the blowtorch and just burn the whole fucking thing. Okay,
it'll sting for a little bit, but it'll clear it out.
Wham bam, thank you. Sam. You want to throw a flamethrower,
let's throw one. I'm gonnau we wa wait wait, what's
going on? You guys trying to get into events? Yeah,
those Are those are Dogwater events? Ye? Dog Water owns
(10:59):
the vents. We have a contract. Yeah. No, and some
of those are Kiddy Burton. No, no, look, I don't
know who the fuck you two are out. I'm gonna
work in the system. Here. Look at this. Look at
these pictures. You're both smiling. Are you getting hard? What
(11:20):
born hard? Listen, buddy, oh Son. Look there's news crew outside.
Why are they? I don't know, a big it's a
big day for Buster at your first day. I bet
you they're going to ask you question. Here, hold the dog,
look cute, this is your moment. News crew, News crew,
News crew? How many skeletons are in there? What? My
(11:44):
son just got my son just to save? Were they
planning on killing this dowls? News crew down? Did you
know that this is an exotic pet graveyard? Answer that
this news crew, Um, don't take that dog. It's disgusting.
New screw new screw screws that the restaurant needs. New screws. Alright,
(12:09):
flamethrowing going live and three two O, God are beautiful?
What are you doing? Good evidence? Well, I guess I
didn't think about it that we can do it again.
I was crawling through those events every night just to
(12:31):
look at our beautiful work. Though. I'm so sorry. Is
this store open? Yes, yes it is. I just noticed that. Yeah,
I'm looking for a cat, actually cat. Yes, let's take
you overd to the cat section. So, uh are you
looking for any kind of a cat in particular? Um,
(12:52):
it's just one with These are all cute. I don't
know how to choose. I think one. I like the
fuffy ones, like the fuffy tail. Yes, yes, yeah, okay, yes, alright.
I'm a mother of six, so something that's not going
to add too much to my place. Oh yeah, that
cat might be really good for helping corral the children.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, all
(13:22):
the animal bones have been pealed, all the other animals
in the kettle. What has oh ship? I got out
of the van just in time to see a real ship.
She got mustard. I always got mustard on by chin.
And then what's going on? I see bones, I see
floors and dead cat. This is stormy clouds here, it's
(13:42):
literally raining cats and dogs and seen one. Yeah sorry,
Mr wormouth, he got what he wanted. Since too comes
from Katie, would you say Katie a t y I
(14:07):
don't who wrote Hey, they're high they're respectable woman here
all right, dear Alchemist and Katie. I have been listening
to you all since the beginning of the show, and
have re listened to most of your episodes over and
over again because they're just that funny. In other words,
please send help immediately, because this can't be good for
(14:31):
my health. In case you were wondering, I love listening
to Alchemy this while doing tedious tasks such as driving
and hand washing my dishes. Driving, I can't be right.
So here's my scene suggestion to help you keep others
from getting lost in the tedium of life. It's a
family owned, family run business, a burger joint. The only
(14:53):
difference is that everyone in this family is the size
of a hamster. Love you all? Yeah? From Hey, the
cheese on different thing? What I put cheese on this one? Yeah?
You know, I think what a cheeseburger is? Right to
put teas on? Ticket? Take you on? It is anybody
(15:18):
here that look down here? Hello? Norm me look down here? Hello,
let me lunch? Just bugger at his face? What the
fund is that? What the hell? Hey, now you're looking down?
How are you about that? What can I help you, like,
holy ship, what the you want? A bugger fries cheethebugger?
What are you looking for? Yeah? I'll take Are you okay?
(15:41):
Are you settle discomboby lady? Do you need a little
more time? Man? Uh? I just I think that there's
like hamsters down there. Yeah. Hey, hey Lakey, can I
get my usual? Yeah? You gotta film you in the
bag for you get films regular? Just say it for you? Okay,
film tap? Yeah, he got a buddy, see you he's
(16:03):
never paid. What's your point? You say you never paid?
What's your point? And you say, what's the point? You
put it on tab? If you'd never do a pitch
for Phil, he's one of the investors. Oh that's Phil.
I take good point with what have a tap? If
we never can ask the tap to be paid exactly,
we don't need to keep a tap. We can just
(16:25):
say it's in the house as it always. Yeah. Can
I mean one time he suggested what little more cooking?
Little let's talking? Oh my god, daddy, hello that What
can I get you? I want to I sell the
health wanted signed up front? Is there an issue? Well?
(16:50):
Maybe not? What's your name, Chuck App? And do you
have a car. Have a car. All right, we need
a delivery guy. Okay, yeah, I can do that. Okay,
let's see how you do we need like? Hey, how
you doing? I'm chuck? Hey? Wow? What are you? You're massive? You? No? No, no,
you're just tiny. No, you gotta be huge. I'm pretty regular.
(17:15):
Your is this your daughter? It's one of my daddy. Hi,
I'm the other one. Jesus Christy. Don't mess this up
for me? What don't mess? I always mess stuff up
for you? Could you the beautiful sister. I'm the one
that smokes ten packs of human cigarette today. That's that's
(17:38):
a stuff. Yeah, but she's smart. You're going places pains then, yeah,
but they don't know how to use them. That's my problem.
It stood up there. I don't know how to get
him out at me, So excuse me? Mr? Is your
beel my father's when everybody else calls? Okay, letty, I'm
part of the Food and Drug Administration, the FDA. I
(18:02):
noticed the FDA. Yes, I've had some reports that there
are you've had some reports, yes, yes, sir, And that's
that makes you a problem for you. Okay, all right,
in your face, he don't job. I have dealt with
this sort of thing before. So let's just cut the chase.
(18:23):
How much? How much? Pick a number? Pick a number?
You crazy number? How about the crazy number is justice? O? Ye?
Do it? J U S T I C. You're going
to jail. Excuse me? Oh, this is my data. Yeah,
and she had a question for you. Yeah, okay, listen,
(18:48):
it's disturbing enough that all I think it's all of
you have tiny bodies that are super round and little
hand Alright, I'm not I'm not a racist. What I
am someone who doesn't like little pellets of poop in
their food. Okay, And just because you're human and tiny
doesn't mean that we don't know that you're doing all right. Really,
(19:09):
we had a rat problem with about six months ago.
Is pooping right now? I can see that. You gotta
try this truffle burger. It's really Yeah, well there's little
bits of truffle. Is there those bacon bits? No, it's truffle.
Take a bite, all right, I'll take a bite. Oh yeah,
(19:35):
you want to invest in this place? I don't know.
I mean, I guess what perks come along with the investment?
Free food At the end of times, these truffle burgers
I'm in. Can you introduce me? Yeah, absolutely, I'll set
something up, thank you. Yeah, try the fries too. There's
a little bit of truffle all over there is this
(19:55):
what I feel like I'm almost cheating getting this much truffle. Gentlemen,
here's a happy arm and so I'm sorry. You know
how to bring outside food or drinking to the restaurant.
I'm an investor. This is a business meeting. I'm sorry. Okay,
I will let my manager. No, thank you? What in
your name was Phil? Phil? Last name Phil Amster, Phil Amster? Okay,
(20:18):
thank you, sir. Wait what do you want? What are
you trying to tell me? Becky? There's a Phil Amster here,
one of the investors. He's eating some burgers here, and
it's just not our food. I just want to let
you know, so not to worry. Okay, nark what Why
are you narking on our customers, Tiffany, you told me
to come tell you if there's anything I'm just going
to do that. No outside food. As long as they're
(20:41):
buying drinks, we don't care. Becky, Jesus, you're such a
tattle tale. Well sorry, I try one of these stick
and chunky shakes too. Why is it so thick? I
don't know what you don't know? Something must be a
piece of bopa. There so much. There's a lot of
(21:01):
boba in the shakes that tastes like shits. The shake
is not good. Chunk was not boba. Becky, We're gonna
have to let you go from the CIA. Why straight
up called you a narc I know, but I was
going to the chain of command. I was no, no, no, no, no. Look,
we put you in deep, and I'm afraid you're deep.
(21:21):
You put me on Friday t J. Friday's unit. That's deep.
What you have teams in Iraq afghanis stand over Europe.
I mean, how are we gonna do? How are we
going to send you to fucking Iraq? Becky? I'm in Bakersfield,
t G I Fridays. What is going to Your color?
Still got blown? I have a c all. I don't
(21:41):
have any Chaerish sticks in here. Well, narcs technically or
d e A. That's the narcotics, Jake, Jake. When I
want your opinions, I want your opinion, Jake, I'll give
it to you, Okay, doesn't I'm a director of the CIA.
But why am I? Why am I in America? What
do you want? I want to be on a clandestine
(22:01):
European mission. Okay, hold on, we're getting facts, oats. We
just gotta mission a mission in well, I guess what
is the same thing about? Tiny people? What's going on?
Get off of all right here, I'm holding him up
a bobby so you can't reach something about tiny tiny
little people? Big burgers? I don't know. Go okay, okay,
(22:23):
where's it? God damn, it's in baker Field. It's in
Baker's Field. It's good. There's clothes for you, plausible ability,
that's all right, and hey, so fuck this up? Yes, sir, Yeah,
I don't get Welcome to Lenny. We're gonna get you. Hi. Yes, Um,
I'm looking for a game, nervous. I'm just I'm looking
for a new job. I was working at TJ Fridays. Okay,
(22:44):
what kind of job you look? No? Hello, you must speaking? Yeah,
that's my daughter. Hellos, very flotatious. Um oh are you
allowed to be smoking indoors? Is that a problem? Seasons
of me? Seasons? Then? Um yeah, I'll whatt your specially.
(23:06):
Let me see your applicate who you are? I have
a baby's gigantic. We can make that piece of paint.
I'm happy to make you home. It's like a tarp.
Just tell me about yourself. Sixteen years in the food
and service industry. What happened the first four The first
four years I was in turning over at the mcjonald's company,
and I was Jonald's, the first food giant. Well, they're
(23:30):
all giants, yeah, so I was working there on their
campaign for a woman gi yes, m giants for over
one billion, yes, both of those companies. And and uh
so after there I had a Donalds, Yes, mcgonald's. And
after there I had an opportunity to stay in but
I decided to be working in the field field the
(23:50):
food and in the food and services is a real field,
like when mice live. Have you ever seen mice? Is
so freaking scary thing. You've seen a mace from there?
To come up to us and thank you as if
we have common ground, Well, for the record, we have
nothing in common with the mouth. We're humans would just
(24:13):
round and tiny. And what would you like to do
here with Lenny? Well, I mean, if any position is available,
I'm happy to do in front of house. Nothing so
we defined the what we need. Go ahead, Well, I
think you would need someone to be at the counter
to agree guests. I agreed it, Yes, just just to
make an eye contact to deliver them down to you
to take the orders. That idea. We wasted so many hamburgers,
(24:34):
launching them up and people and tossing them to their face.
All right, let's see how that would work. That comes in,
you handle it? Hey, Hi, Hello, welcome to Lenny. This
is new. Yeah, this is an interesting place that you've
brought me to know. This is I don't know what's
going on. This is we're a waitressed you. Yes, I
was working right, Yeah, you were giving us a hard
(24:57):
time at I'm sorry. Oh except in something. Oh no,
the sexy one. Yeah, oh no, I gotta Oh my god,
I canna peel the sexy one off the bottom of
my shoe. Crow that murdered. That's murdered. It's not murdered. Hey,
can I can I bump a smoke? Yeah? You go,
(25:18):
hold on, let me pick it up for you. Oh,
how's your night going? Awful? It's going awful. Tell me
about it. Oh, my sister, she's so hot. She's really round,
like kind of like a cue ball and pool. That
doesn't sound hot to me at all. It is hot
(25:41):
everyone everyone likes it. Nobody likes me. Kind of look
more like a sack. I liked I like sax you do?
Is everybody laughing out my friends that you'd have spoken me?
Is you nothing? What's your name? Is? You never met me?
Set it? You act so weird? Said when you took
(26:04):
a smoke from me. I'm just trying to have a
friendly coming a little round girl. Beggars can't may choosers.
I want to take this rod for whatever he's gone.
I'm trying, but he's making himself unknown to me. I'm
trying to engage him like a ball fack. No, I'm trying.
(26:26):
I'm really trying, but I don't think he think. Did no?
I am? I am? I am? I am, I am,
I am? Wait like like this next cigarette for me?
I'm chain all right, sack far directors um The case
(26:51):
went into immediate mayhem. One of the investors failed. The
person we're having a profile on. He stepped on the
pretty one. I guess I don't know how to describe it.
She would less round and then a gentleman in the
back who was smoking a cigarette lit the other one fire?
Did you bring us some burger's back? Was that the mission?
Did you bring you bring some of those burgers? Oh?
(27:12):
My god, you sent me on a burger run? That
was the mission? The mission? How can we trust you
in Iraq? Backy, Maybe it's because burgers. I see six languages.
I know how to dismantle every weapon that's available. I
know how to fly a tank, I know how to
drive a helicopter. Do you understand these things? Like I
am an asset. I don't know, Jake, it's up to
(27:33):
you your call. Did they have Boba team had a
shake that was full of these weird things? I think
it was those little people's poop. I'm not a didn't
drink it. I get the god damn burger Jesus Christ. Alright, look, look,
we'll send you on Afghanistan, but it's gonna be with
(27:54):
some private contractors. Fine, who's the contractor? Dog Water? Those
brutus bastards, so thick freaks. You want me committee war
crimes for the government. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right.
That's why I signed up. Whoa nice gun. It's a
cool gun. Yeah, I made myself. It's made of plastic
and hair. Wow, doesn't shoot anything, but it looks bad. Okay,
(28:16):
well I'm gonna go home, Jake. I'll take a long day,
as you know. Back to congratulations on your new mission.
Thank you, and uh and uh. I want to say
once again there's your bells have been a fantastic propillar
to this community. And what a what a sad day
that Mr Lenny Yourbell had to lose both of these
dollarsping uh see, I'll saw that little nutsack. Can we
(28:44):
get her out of here? Get her out of here? Please? Okay?
Uh Mr your Bell, you'd have to come up your
someone help him up here? That that that thing to go?
Oh sorry, my bad. Yeah, sad day. Uh uh. No
(29:05):
one wants to outlive the children. And not only was
it bad enough that they were killed in the same
well within minutes. Uh. The lady in the back there
who keeps referring to my oldest is a nut sack.
That's that's a little uh more than I can personally handle.
So I'm going to keep this brief. I'm always gonna
(29:27):
say short, but I knew someone would laugh. Yes, you
in the front news crew, yew group, Yeah, are there?
Do you have any more children? Are there any more
small round people like you know? But I'm taking the
(29:48):
no boba. He plans to franchise. Yeah, yeah, there's a
list taking number newscrew and new crew. News crew. What's happening?
News crew? Okay, anybody else, I'll have the number five,
number five coming up. There's there's nobody to take the order.
(30:10):
Your family's day. It's a tough day, hot day of
the family. And I just want to say, if everyone
who came out, who are you right? Right? Come by?
Ladies were technically the lot? Okay, Uh, if everyone could
(30:31):
just disperse now, Mrs your Blood said what he wanted
to say. We all work, we have to What do
you mean, well, this is just a meeting for Mr Gabell.
We all just want to come and, uh, you know,
say our condolences. So thank you everyone who came there
for primarily the news crewise. What are you up to now?
I'm right now. Personally I was gonna hang out. I
think I was gonna go by by the house and
(30:52):
uh garden, but I'm happy to kick it with anybody
who wants to chill. Chick all right, so tell us
about us about about how crazy that was Oh what
I saw? Yeah, first I say, in the sky, come
on hot. We gotta always want to get the story
real quickly. If you want to patch in what I
(31:13):
gotta order? Wearing the mic? You're walking on with the
mic gun, I walk around with the lavel. Where my
so just in case, because I've been used a lot
of times by the news is witness. I just witnessed ship,
and I'm always witnessing stuff and this one was one
of the craziest today. And I've seen some ships. So
I see the sky probout six five. He's talking. What's
(31:35):
he talking to? See? Cougar nuts? So I'm coming up.
He's talking to a cougar nuts. Cougar nuts, crazy, I understand.
I'm sorry, what are the scabs? You're picking us bleeding?
That's just a liquid? Hey, Lenny, are you Yeah? I
just wanted to convey my condolence and pay my tab.
(32:00):
What are you bringing it? Oh? It was about a
thousand burgers man, a bunch of chunky shakes, so cash chick.
All right, you guys are on square right, Okay, you
got your cod car declined. Oh boy, that is weird.
(32:25):
It barely speaks. I'm guessing it's serious. Let's right again.
Well try another card, all right, Oh you get the
Disney credit God, I do very nice. Oh decline, it
does voices. That's unusual. Let's see if they can do
(32:47):
Peter FOG's Columbuss. I bet it can. I bet it can.
I hate the body, but well we'll have to do
this some other time anyway. Sorry, I I appreciate you kid,
I stepped on your hot daughter and sorry that. Sorry,
sorry about again about your loss. I appreciate it. And
(33:09):
good luck with the franchising. And yeah, this was overall
a good investment. Up until now, it's been a gravy train. Yeah,
no regrets. They let me take your food into Friday's
and they did that worked out. That did work out.
That's great. Yeah, all right, Well listen, you're gonna be
by Tuesday for poker. Yeah. Absolutely, don't get crushed by
(33:30):
my stack of chips. Well it happened one time, but
thanks you for bringing it up. Good work giants war
birds with the little things? Are you talking like that?
What're you talking about? Because we're huge, I know, but
like you know, that's hurtful to us, right, I feel
(33:50):
like I'm leaning into our heritage we're reclaiming it. Thank
you that for he can't control his job control our drool.
I understand we are gigantic, Yeah, we know. Why do
(34:10):
you keep saying that? Just reiterating we're huge? Okay, we're
huge je So anyway my whole point of talking. Yeah
Jesus christ Ma, I always just say I thought that
this experiment went well. I thought it want the murdering
of two small people. Yeah, well that experiment the tiny people?
(34:33):
Yeah yeah yeah, Because watch this, I'm gonna murder one
least second. Well, here we go. I'm gonna pick up
that weird one here. Oh my god, I'm a blog
up my mic on because this is yeah, put down
yet o justice? Was that kermit justice? That voice no true,
(35:06):
not true, not true news crewe and that seemed too.
This is from our old pal Toivo from Finland's Right
padre v I p he right Stare Comedy Extraordinaires. Thank
(35:28):
you so much for making two of my silly scene
suggestions happened already. I've been listening to this podcast from
the very beginning, and so far is the only one
I've supported financially. Well, thank you, simply the best you've
made Tuesdays and Thursday's better than what they were before.
How I wish you would tell us what they were
before so we'd have some context. Not a small thing
(35:48):
at all. Oh, and the special shout out to my
favorite voices of the show, Vanessa and Craigs. The rest
of us will be in the kitty letter box. Apparently.
Here's the suggestion for you to consider. A paranoid family
is stepping out of their comfort zone of overprotective lifestyle
by going to an amusement park for the first time.
(36:12):
All the best from Finland. All right, please just put
put this on. This helmet needs to be on super tight.
We're gonna be on Ryan's today, and I don't we
have to get sharp on everyone's faces first. Okay, kids, line,
I haven't get on your face. No, it doesn't heard.
It tells you my phone number if you were to
(36:33):
wander away. Okay, maybe you should put one at the
beginning for the area code. You're right, I should put
a one, but but sometimes the phone won't take a one.
Sometimes the one. Welcome to toy. Just give us a second.
We're prepping our family. Okay, we gotta get the helmets.
We got the numbers we got the What are we
forgetting the zip blox with all the pills? With the pills,
I've gone candy? Candy that is not organic? Is it?
(37:01):
None for children? None for our children. You guys are
all you're all beefed up. We have you all the
beef and the m are we they think we are gold? Please,
let's do it, let's do it. Let's have fun. Yeah,
it's okay. These are printed up from the internet. My husband,
the tech genius genius. What funt is that? If comic SAMs?
(37:24):
That's what I thought. I didn't pick the fun Which
one is Julie me? Okay, look at little Julie Peter.
Why did you look at her like just do you
think there's something wrong with her? She gonna be all right?
Is this a safe place for a child this size?
Are you a predator? It's there no petitors in the parks.
It's a petitive free puck. I got cameras at all times.
(37:47):
I mean, I'm only looking good. I got I got
these werewolves in the back of the truck. If you
want me to release him in the park, I can
do it, you know what I mean. I got drafts
and all the regular ship but I thought you might
want some crazy for this one. Huh. Okay, well what
did we what did we contract you for? You got
me a little elephant, little donkey, little draft. Yeah, it's
for a petting suit, right right right, but also go
(38:08):
it's gotta be a small draft. No, no, no no, kn't.
We don't have expensive enclosures like the top of the heads,
like the top of Cattillac Dan. Okay, and it won't
grow anymore. I don't know. I'll got these two werewolves
full world. We don't need any Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's it's it's broad daylight. Are they just permanent wears?
(38:30):
Pretty much dog manut at this point, you know what
I mean? They're just like in this the more like dog.
They're dog man. But okay, I just want to Bill
talking about the l I think we should go. I
think I think we should go, sweetheart. We can't do this.
I just love the family. Our family therapist said that
we have to start making progress and eventually we're going
(38:52):
to have time in Toyville in short time. It's your
Time's your time, toys. You want to picture with the
whole family, family, family, Okay, just pose right in front
(39:13):
of the toyvo castle there. Okay, it's not going to
fall over? Is it? That looks like it's made out
of block? I don't know. It's pretty, it's pretty sturdy. Okay, kids,
get a little close. Sees me how bright is your flash?
Or being really irresponsible not telling us how right your flash?
Well it's broad broad daylight. So I don't don't think
(39:34):
I need no flash, no flash. Okay, I wasn't going
to your sensitive to the light. She has the helmet
with the visor, which reminds me we should put more
sunt You have been out in the sun bigger, did
you We need sunscreen, not sun tan? Stick him up
(39:55):
and put him down, now, stick up. I'm telling you
right now, man, if you just let these things loose,
you're gonna have a good time. Well, brother, I guess
I guess Halloween is coming up. Yea's about eight months
a white. Look, let's do this. Let's let's just do this.
(40:17):
How about we release some boat, no charge, and if
you're like when you see you pay me at the end.
If not, no harm, no foul. I guess that's fair.
They haven't eaten all right, They are on the hunt.
Why the way I haven't eaten the draft. I mean,
come on, they have respect so they know who they
work with and plus they just eat people. Man. They Okay,
(40:42):
welcome to the Family Friend Fun Zone. Yeah, so this
is where family and friends have fun in the Zone park.
I I just wanted to I know that you guys
are rated the safest amusement park in the United States,
and that's why my family is here and I'm just
out of same. There's some it doesn't look that safe
(41:02):
in the family friend family members are looking for a friend.
Oh look, it's done less Joe. Friendless Joe Joe one
of the characters here with the Now I'm not gonna
I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but typically
parents left their children make friends with friendless Joe. Please
mom teaching you should know folks, I can bake you
(41:25):
a pie. We're not allowed to have pie because mom
says too much flour and sugar and teaching blueberry pay
was the first part of the peach. They can have peaches,
and they can have blueberries organic, but they cannot have pie.
And now it's time to say good bye. No as
(41:47):
the kids. You kids can go with friendless Joe and
the parents will take you this way. You gotta be
honest with you, like, none of the intellectual property has
really popped so far. So friendless Joe is not taken
off as a as a character. All right, okay, um,
but so yeah, I'm really I'm desperate for anything. So okay,
so we want something else, Well, what do you go?
(42:10):
I got whole bunch of stuff here. Okay, I got
I got handsy Joe and uh and he just I
was wondering who those guys were in the back of
the truck. Oh yeah, okay, great, Yeah, so I got
the eye grabber. And this is a character who's supposed
to steal your site, right and take you on a journey. Sound,
and we got a whole different like a whole little ride.
(42:31):
Yeah we have that. We like set a lot of parks,
by the way, do you sell to a lot of parks,
all the big ones? I thought I thought you were
just an animal guy. Oh that's my brother. Yeah, brothers animals,
and I would I went to the bathroom for a
little bit. Yeah no, no, we're twins. Okay, welcome to
the parents. Put peanut butter on their butts. I don't
(42:52):
think we're Yeah, the whole point here being ridiculous. Let
the kids be kids, and let the pair and would
chunky your pants? Pulled in your pants? No, down your
(43:12):
peanut butter and your booty. Okay, this was weirder than
I thought, but I'm sure the kids are having clean
fun and parents get to be dirty and at least
we're out of the friend zone, right, Hey, Kiss, friendless
Joe is sad. I know he's been boohoo and all
the way over here. Why is he crying so much? Well,
maybe because you don't hug him enough. Okay, okay, parents said,
(43:35):
we're not supposed to make full body contact with strange.
But your parents have peanut butter all over their booties
right now, It's true. Look at this picture. Oh my gosh,
they're having fun. So go ahead and cheer up, Friendless Joe. Friends, Joe,
I'm sure you're sad. Kiss. Attention guests, Attention guests, there
(43:56):
is there are two werewolves loose in the park. Fine, right, Yeah,
please go to the move for the closest I think
you can find attractive. Yeah, can you get your ship together?
When you're on the intercom, Like I've never had to
deal with this before. There's no protocol for so sorry,
(44:16):
the entrances and exits are sealed off. I don't know
what the hell's going back? Why did we seal off
the exit? I'm going I'm looking through the protocol book
and right here says that there's any emergency. The exist
and entrances are sealed. There's two werewolves in the park.
They're hungry for being There's nine inches of iron date
on either side, okay, coming from I don't know, and
looks like there's a dome emerging buff us. Okay, we're
(44:37):
trapped and okay, okay, look, bubb everything a song alright,
I think we might have made a mistake. Comp it's
tending to clean your bloods up? Okay, okay, the you
(45:00):
need to get to a safe area. Hold on, let's up. Look,
you need to get to a safe area quick. Okay,
what do you mean? There's two rules on the lucer
CA and they're human hungry. We're damnitubble. What's going on?
Everyone just got be calm, just stay here. He does
up there too, wet, very wet, very toy gas. I
(45:24):
do have an update on the werewolf situation. Apparently they're
more dog man because you know, werewolves are only you know,
like once a month and at night. But this is
during the day, and these are men who were just
permanently half man half dogs. So werewolf is not technically correct.
You'll know them when you see gives this ship about that?
Who cares about I'm a stick detail. We need guns?
(45:46):
Where do we keep the guns? We keep the guns
to the kiss. Actually friendly show for the show, knock
it off. We're in fucking bubble mode. Now we're in
bubble mode. Kids. Here's the deal. What your parents Joe's
voice Listen, guys, listen kids. Your parents are most likely
(46:07):
dead or we'll be doing so here take this gun,
you take this shovel and fucking best of luck. Let's go.
Let's go. Yeah, okay, um no, I've only fired. Oh
my god, came happy? Okay should I shoot? Should I
just aim for talk? They're talking? Yeah? Sorry, yeah, I
(46:35):
oh my gosh, he was a dog man right then? Yeah? Yeah? Weah.
So you guys look real real tantalizing, Just so you know,
just give me a hand. I'll be on my way.
What are your hands? I think I'm gonna try to
shoot him, don't. Luckily, we've micro chipped our children. So
(46:57):
all we gotta do is follow this appens plays Northree
Recenter Recenter. Is that a god damn wearable No, I'm
more of a dog man killing Bill killing You're not
a strong bill. He likes you. Peanut. It's the peanut butter.
(47:23):
It's the kidding. You've seen. You've seen what's going on
one of these cameras. Yeah, I'm seeing it. Ship this
other day, another dollar. That woman is getting eat out.
(47:46):
I've seen some ship, but some ship guys. Can everybody
just kind of be better at their job. I'm just
walking around the different departments and here you are just
practically jerking. It's monitored for Yeah, I saw it and
it makes me go crazy buck wild. Okay, but I
have a job to do. Like we're outside contractors, so
(48:07):
I know you're outside contractors. To me, you aren't professional
and you don't do your job. Just a witness on that.
I don't give. I'm not roll. I'll just I feel
something that I follow the wind that end up and honestly,
we're I'm happy to have you here as a CEO
of this park. I'm happy to have you here. A
woman still getting up, it's not it's making me go crazy. Kids,
(48:32):
Thank god I found you. Your mother's distracting one of
the wolfman. Oh my god, you killed this one. Okay O,
God's in pain. It's a sacrifice for you kids. Let's
get out to the car. She knows to me to
stair without she's going to mean to stare. Trust me,
(48:55):
run and run and run. Okay, held on a segment
only even you can't take another person. This is a
four seater. My guts are hanging out on Tom Tom, Okay,
let me this guy put these silly please only please,
you have to know stump right here. The only way
to dispel the curse of the dog man is wait,
(49:15):
wait right, wake up, to get this stuff back in
his Tom Tom, come on, tell us what the dispersion said.
And you've got your hands in his side. Oh bummer.
Let's leave him here, and I'm sure your mom will
be here any second to So how did you how
did you to meet um? We're gonna ask answer your
questions table for two as story table. Would you like
(49:42):
to be inside or outside? On the path outside all
around side? You know how I get down a little
bit a little okay, okay, she's just right. We're on
a honeymoon at tj I Fridays, and this is where
you went. It doesn't matter where we are, honestly, we
have the time of our Uh yeah, all right, Well
(50:07):
this is our first family therapy session without your mother.
I hope we can all just surely talk about it.
For you. It's not my fault, Yes it is, dad.
We love the we love the park. When she was
basically having sex with that one, you know, we know what,
we know what it is. We can We'll have a
talk with the family therapist and you can be honest
(50:28):
in the book. I got it, I got accepted to Stanford.
I'm going and I'm not coming back. I'm going and
I'm not coming. You can't move out of state? What what?
Of course I can. We've got such a big house
and Dad, we don't like you and we don't want
to be in the same Hey, so you and I roommates,
that's okay. You taking that picture of that dog off wool? Well,
(50:50):
do you mean I just don't like dogs? That I
just I was attacked by dog as a kid. Oh wait,
is this sounds familiar My uncle, My uncle was attacked
by dogs at this part. I don't know talking about
where were you attacked. I was holy sh it, I
(51:13):
saw your mother on YouTube. Come on, man, hey, come on,
do me a favor. Please, don't with the wolf guy. Yes, yes,
it's a dog man. Oh my god. Guys. Sorry there.
We have a party tonight. I just wanted to stop
by all the dorms and invite everyone to it. Yeah.
Where's the party. It's at Sigma Yeah, so anyone can come.
You just have to try. Anyone can come. Well, people
invite okay, even people with dog broms. Oh my god.
(51:36):
YouTube dot com. Yeah, okay, well you can definitely come. Yeah,
for sure you can come. It would be funny if
you came here. You guys all right here, just checking in.
Everybody getting more fine? Whoa you're from the number one
video of all time on YouTube dot com. Yeah, yeah, hey,
(51:58):
little man, I know. Oh, you're probably surprised to see
you can just drop off the card and leave. I
want you to call me dad? What I want you
to call me Dad? I'm not gonna do that. I've
watched you grow up these years. I'm proud of the manage.
I see you probably the night around my window. Yeah, man,
I mean it's not just for you. I hate you.
(52:21):
See it again, I hate you. Keep saying it. I
hate you. I hate you. I don't like you. I
don't like you. I'm in love with you. I found
out what you did to my mom. I made her happy,
young man. Maybe you didn't, maybe you didn't, but you
de stroyed a family in the process. I don't know
how you were created. I don't care. I broke your
dad because he was a bitch, but I made your
(52:43):
mom happier than she's ever been. Hey, you want to
make a woman happy, not by you, Not the way
you do it. You mean, not the way you do
I do it. Make somebody happier than they've ever been
in their whole fucking lives. It's just physical with you,
that's all you know. Physic It's not true. Yes it is.
I told you not to confront him. I'm sorry, baby.
(53:06):
Keeping from one can leave. No, there's a whole litter
of siblings you have that you've never been and you're
missing out on a on a world of family and
pleasure and pain and visceral, visceral experience. I'm gonna know
I did so. I think I was here. A couple
(53:33):
of the baby goats and one of those donkeys. But
no more, no more of those dog men. I just
feel like they didn't work out. Yeah. Man, well you know,
I got my stomach tied up and I'm all right,
well you did, but I thought maybe you were your brother.
No no, no, no no, because my twin who was
(53:54):
doing the animatronics and all the care that he died,
he did die. He died. Okay, yeahed months after the event.
He was not killed by the Okay, I have a complaint.
I bought a giraffe from you. It kept growing. Not
my problems far grew. It's enclosure, not my problem. You
(54:16):
told me. Wouldn't a Cadillac, sir, that's what as you
put a Cadillac up right? Oh yeah, I have a
good night. Now. Look I got these these squid creatures
that I'm really proud of you. First of all, I'm
happy that we're on the stage, and second of all,
I'm glad you're taking me to toy Ville. Like, I know,
a lot happened to you here. I guess the way
(54:38):
I kind of processed my trauma is by going back
to the place where it happened, you know what I mean?
For me, that's fun I think that's great. And you
put the sharp all of your face and yeah, and
it's my same it's the same phone number, little girl
and boy. They kind of remade it after my brother
and after the accident, she built toy Bill little boy. Yeah.
(55:06):
What's your favorite place, like, what's the most like triggering
area of this part? For me, the most triggering and
my favorite is probably this big boulder over here. That's
where my brother and I hit and we could see
my mom getting totally now by. That's our show. Oh yes,
I sure. Uh we all lost our ship on that way.
(55:29):
What was the suggestion? No idea? It was a dog.
I thank you. I want to thank all of our
alchem it is starting with Mr James C. James, thank
you so much. And where can folks find you? Please
just go to the real James Heeney dot com. That's
all my show dates and all my stuff. And Greig Kakowski. Yeah,
(55:52):
it wasn't it fun at Sketch fast Man. That was fun?
That what a show. Yeah the punchline. Everyone who came out,
thank you so much. Uh and uh, folks will find
you at your various sights and things. Perfect Joey Grab
I heard you on another Ron Burgundy. Yeah, a little
bit part on their Yeah, it was really great. Vanessa
(56:13):
Yes writer dot com. Oh please, we need the traffic.
Exciting shows, so many new exciting shows, so many great
things coming. Valentine Special. Oh oh, there's actually a huge
Valentine's party. Everybody should come. Everyone here's invited. Um, lovers, loners, anyone.
We're gonna have dancing, little shows, magic, um, so many surprises.
(56:36):
We just started planning it and I'm really excited. So yeah,
check that out. Ben, you see typewriter dot com. Caroline
Gutter Oh at Carter Poop. Sure, Uh, fan myself. I'm
fanning myself. Chris Alvarado, Oh yeah, it's at Carter Poop.
Let's thank our producer and engineer and the fine folks
(56:59):
that I heard media. I'm your host, Kevin Paul until
next time.
Welcome back to another episode. Oh alchemy based on the
most Kevin Pollock. Yes that's Kevin Pollard. Sure, no problem,
the answer to the quiz of seven and the at symbol,
the elephant, stampy and peaks. But I let's meet our alchemists,
shall we? No particular order? Say hello to Chris Alorada.
Hey it's me Chrissie. What's the actual HAPs the craps?
(00:27):
Yeahs on the craps. There it is. Look behind and
see Dr James Heeney car Asada, Jim, give one good
reason to stop loving you. Um, I'm taking the sweetest
reason really was in a sincere cock block. Oh look
it's v us A Raglan. What's your pick for best
(00:47):
picture at the upcoming oscar Um, I'm assuming you've seen none?
Um ah oh one of those foreign documentary because that's
that was the best. What's well played? Joey Grier? How
(01:08):
are you, buddy? I'm doing good? Yeah, okay, are doing great? Yeah?
Freaking yeah. It's Caroline Connor. Caroline, do you not want
me to do that thing for you with the guy
in the trunk? I need you to do it. He
said you would do it two weeks ago. Now it stinks, okay,
just making sure you still need that. And last, but
(01:29):
have poop scoop pop in your shoot. If you think
of leash, it's Craig Kikowski, Kako. Can you still see
stuff the rest of us can't? I can see in
four dimensions. I can see the past, I can see
the future. I can see this is gonna be a
great episode, but not all of us will make it.
(01:53):
That's got your back, watch your back. All right, let's
do the damn show. Uh. If you'd like to become
one of our patron v i P members, just go
to patreon dot com alchemy this, Patreon dot com, slash
alchemy this. Although it's all of our scene suggestions are
gathered from our listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast your name here at alchemy
(02:14):
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. I love reading your emails, so please keep
sending them and thank you. Our first scene goes out
to a patron v i P member, actually Sean Worth,
because that's the name. Thanks for the reminder, uh, he writes,
because I wrote him. Don't forget you have Here's my
scene suggestion. It's adoption day at the pet store. So
the dogs are on their best behavior, but the cats,
(02:37):
none of whom have human thumbs, are interesting trying to sabotage.
Are trying to sabotage the dogs. I really enjoy what
you did with my previous suggestion, which became doctors who
need borders uh toats? Putting that Collabo totes Putting that
Collabo on my LinkedIn a douciest statement ever, but thankfully
(03:03):
it seemed purposeful. Kevin, I assume you're okay with second
billing unless I hear from you fair enough. And that
was from Shaun Warmouth. Yes, we gotta make sure that
let's just make sure the heat's going through the whole
the whole thing, okay, because we want one of the animals.
Hi parton me? Is this where we adopt dogs? Yes? Yes,
I'm not bigly that fond of cats. If you could
(03:24):
keep them away from me that allergic the goods probably
probably yea. So we have a couple of different breeds
available at the Certainly interrupt you said, do you want
to heat throughout the whole facility? Yeah, it's that's gonna
cost something. I know it's gonna cost something. Obviously it's
gonna cost something. What do you mean it's not free?
(03:44):
You got me? Yeah, come on, I'll go fix it. Yeah,
just just open a vent or something. It's not that easy.
Well then whatever it is. If he gets two events,
I'm the h fact person here. I'll take care of it. Okay,
it's gonna cost I didn't think it. Can you believe
this guy? Tell him he's gonna cost. Of course it's
gonna cause you're coming over here. Everybody did a big
guy turned open your right? You have to. We're gonna him.
(04:11):
I think he's talking. I think he's talking about just
drinks me. No, no, no, they're taking what's going on?
The cat? Oh my god, that cat was so fun
(04:33):
to hang out with. I'm not a big cat, but
that was crazy. Guys, I gotta tell me tell you something.
I know it's your first time potentially getting adopted. I've
been here for five years. If I stay one more
week and getting killed, let me tell you don't then
when we should we should, we shouldn't make sure you could.
(04:54):
I'm not going to get adopted. I'm not going to
get adopted. You're so cute. No, I'm not I'm a
furlest dog. You're my mom. I was bored here. I've
never known anything else. I don't know that I even
want to leave. And that's why I want something benefit
my son. Man. I want to kill those animals. Man,
he's gotta wait one more week, man, then we can
kill those animals. Yeah, we get the exact day on
(05:14):
each of them, right, yeah, we do. Yeah, they killed day. Damn.
I want to kill those animals, man, Shirley, you're the van.
I'm in the van. Okay, I'm in the HVAC system.
I'm in the a C ducts in areas impossible, right,
all right, all right, hey listen, I'm getting a real
pet smelling here. All right, so I'm dead. Oh my god,
(05:41):
Oh my god, surely get in here. I'm in the van.
Get your ass in here, Shirley, as is not gonna
fit in to this. I can't get it. Terrific. Oh
my yeah, I can't wait to kill those animals. Just
put them in the vent, man, put them in the
vent killing. That's what we do. Yes, yes, I'm gonna
(06:03):
kill dog, then gonna kill cat, kill the dog. I
don't mean to interrupt you, guys, but I was Who
do I talk to about getting a dog for my son? Nobody?
You leave those dogs in that you hear me? Yeah,
I have considered a breeder. No, I've heard the dogs.
Breeders are better. These guys bothering you. No, I don't
(06:25):
know for sure. Adoption day my son is not adoption day.
They don't work for the pet story. They're an outside contractor.
I please don't interact with the custom They're just working
with dog water, Daddy. I like the hairless one, Daddy.
Can we find out about the hairless one, the one
with no dog? Or you don't You don't want that.
You don't want that one. You don't want that one
that wasn't these guys you're carrying me that does one
(06:48):
more week and does one more week, and I take
it away. Listen, listen, you step back from my socker,
get back in your van. Okay, you can't that? Yes,
what the hell is that? I please see. I would
love to introduce you to our friend Baxter. He is
hypo allergenic. Yes, give me a Baxter. No, no heat,
(07:14):
that's just his tongue. Um. Tell me, your buddy is
your chance. If you can understand Baxter's five years old.
You know some we should really get something that's younger
because we wanted to last through your childhood. What does
that even mean? Well, it just means if it's five
now and dog years, it's half way child. My child
(07:35):
is seven. Oh well this dog will last through a child.
What let's talk about what do you consider a childhood? Well,
I would like it to still have a lot of
energy to play with my son when he's like fourteen
or fifteen, and then he'll probably get poured with I
don't care, Baxter, you don't care now, but give it
five more years. I think the Baxter has at least
thirteen more years and it really let's get it's okay, hey,
(07:58):
re memory, I said it was gonna cost you something
to fix a system. I gotta show you some pictures.
I just took off what's lodged in the unit of there? Okay,
ma man lodged in the unit pictures? I'm good, Okay.
I don't know what it sounds like. I know it
sounds I know what it sounds like. I know it
sounds like, and I know what it sounds like. It
sounds like. Its gross picture? What the fun is that?
(08:22):
All these pictures? Oh? My god, is zooming is a subreddit?
Is it? What is this? This is sub I can't
make a this is what's lodged in your unit? Hey guys,
I think Baxter or maybe getting a home tips. So
here's what I've counted so far. I've counted seventeen dog
(08:43):
bo dog skeletons, and like, I don't know, fifty sixty
cats and I'm not gonna listen. Look at these lizards.
Why are those there? I don't know these are animals?
Like those things. I don't know the escaped and gun,
the HVAC or we lost that many animals. I don't Yeah,
(09:05):
these rights from the outside. I guess we don't even
sell lizards. Did you say lizards? We don't sell lizards.
King on, it could be a kimono. I don't look.
If we've got an exotic animal cemetery up there, we
could be in big trouble. Relax, Relax story. Just then,
(09:30):
we've got an exotic animal bones and a graveyard of
some sword in the air conditioning duct of Animal Rescue
to the street. Hold on, Bill, let's let's standing Bill.
Let's just see and hold on Bill, Let's get it
(09:56):
right before we pass into Charlie. Okay, I thought I
was doing this point say we're gonna get to you. Okay,
but Bill, let's just get it. I'm standing right beside it.
This is all live. I know it's live, but it's
my ass. So Bill, why don't we Bill? You know
you can hear me. I hear you, but I throw
it back to Bill. Cloud storm standing the weather. Hold
(10:17):
on Cloud, you want to give us a quick update
while waiting, Cloud, you can hear me. Bill can't hear me, Okay,
throwing back to Bill. Okay, guys, it's seventy two degrees
in height and beautiful twenty degrees celsius out there. We're
looking at a cloud cover that's gonna go over the mountain.
Other news. We've got to throw it. So look, here's
(10:38):
what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'm gonna go there with
the blowtorch and just burn the whole fucking thing. Okay,
it'll sting for a little bit, but it'll clear it out.
Wham bam, thank you. Sam. You want to throw a flamethrower,
let's throw one. I'm gonnau we wa wait wait, what's
going on? You guys trying to get into events? Yeah,
those Are those are Dogwater events? Ye? Dog Water owns
(10:59):
the vents. We have a contract. Yeah. No, and some
of those are Kiddy Burton. No, no, look, I don't
know who the fuck you two are out. I'm gonna
work in the system. Here. Look at this. Look at
these pictures. You're both smiling. Are you getting hard? What
(11:20):
born hard? Listen, buddy, oh Son. Look there's news crew outside.
Why are they? I don't know, a big it's a
big day for Buster at your first day. I bet
you they're going to ask you question. Here, hold the dog,
look cute, this is your moment. News crew, News crew,
News crew? How many skeletons are in there? What? My
(11:44):
son just got my son just to save? Were they
planning on killing this dowls? News crew down? Did you
know that this is an exotic pet graveyard? Answer that
this news crew, Um, don't take that dog. It's disgusting.
New screw new screw screws that the restaurant needs. New screws. Alright,
(12:09):
flamethrowing going live and three two O, God are beautiful?
What are you doing? Good evidence? Well, I guess I
didn't think about it that we can do it again.
I was crawling through those events every night just to
(12:31):
look at our beautiful work. Though. I'm so sorry. Is
this store open? Yes, yes it is. I just noticed that. Yeah,
I'm looking for a cat, actually cat. Yes, let's take
you overd to the cat section. So, uh are you
looking for any kind of a cat in particular? Um,
(12:52):
it's just one with These are all cute. I don't
know how to choose. I think one. I like the
fuffy ones, like the fuffy tail. Yes, yes, yeah, okay, yes, alright.
I'm a mother of six, so something that's not going
to add too much to my place. Oh yeah, that
cat might be really good for helping corral the children.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, all
(13:22):
the animal bones have been pealed, all the other animals
in the kettle. What has oh ship? I got out
of the van just in time to see a real ship.
She got mustard. I always got mustard on by chin.
And then what's going on? I see bones, I see
floors and dead cat. This is stormy clouds here, it's
(13:42):
literally raining cats and dogs and seen one. Yeah sorry,
Mr wormouth, he got what he wanted. Since too comes
from Katie, would you say Katie a t y I
(14:07):
don't who wrote Hey, they're high they're respectable woman here
all right, dear Alchemist and Katie. I have been listening
to you all since the beginning of the show, and
have re listened to most of your episodes over and
over again because they're just that funny. In other words,
please send help immediately, because this can't be good for
(14:31):
my health. In case you were wondering, I love listening
to Alchemy this while doing tedious tasks such as driving
and hand washing my dishes. Driving, I can't be right.
So here's my scene suggestion to help you keep others
from getting lost in the tedium of life. It's a
family owned, family run business, a burger joint. The only
(14:53):
difference is that everyone in this family is the size
of a hamster. Love you all? Yeah? From Hey, the
cheese on different thing? What I put cheese on this one? Yeah?
You know, I think what a cheeseburger is? Right to
put teas on? Ticket? Take you on? It is anybody
(15:18):
here that look down here? Hello? Norm me look down here? Hello,
let me lunch? Just bugger at his face? What the
fund is that? What the hell? Hey, now you're looking down?
How are you about that? What can I help you, like,
holy ship, what the you want? A bugger fries cheethebugger?
What are you looking for? Yeah? I'll take Are you okay?
(15:41):
Are you settle discomboby lady? Do you need a little
more time? Man? Uh? I just I think that there's
like hamsters down there. Yeah. Hey, hey Lakey, can I
get my usual? Yeah? You gotta film you in the
bag for you get films regular? Just say it for you? Okay,
film tap? Yeah, he got a buddy, see you he's
(16:03):
never paid. What's your point? You say you never paid?
What's your point? And you say, what's the point? You
put it on tab? If you'd never do a pitch
for Phil, he's one of the investors. Oh that's Phil.
I take good point with what have a tap? If
we never can ask the tap to be paid exactly,
we don't need to keep a tap. We can just
(16:25):
say it's in the house as it always. Yeah. Can
I mean one time he suggested what little more cooking?
Little let's talking? Oh my god, daddy, hello that What
can I get you? I want to I sell the
health wanted signed up front? Is there an issue? Well?
(16:50):
Maybe not? What's your name, Chuck App? And do you
have a car. Have a car. All right, we need
a delivery guy. Okay, yeah, I can do that. Okay,
let's see how you do we need like? Hey, how
you doing? I'm chuck? Hey? Wow? What are you? You're massive? You? No? No, no,
you're just tiny. No, you gotta be huge. I'm pretty regular.
(17:15):
Your is this your daughter? It's one of my daddy. Hi,
I'm the other one. Jesus Christy. Don't mess this up
for me? What don't mess? I always mess stuff up
for you? Could you the beautiful sister. I'm the one
that smokes ten packs of human cigarette today. That's that's
(17:38):
a stuff. Yeah, but she's smart. You're going places pains then, yeah,
but they don't know how to use them. That's my problem.
It stood up there. I don't know how to get
him out at me, So excuse me? Mr? Is your
beel my father's when everybody else calls? Okay, letty, I'm
part of the Food and Drug Administration, the FDA. I
(18:02):
noticed the FDA. Yes, I've had some reports that there
are you've had some reports, yes, yes, sir, And that's
that makes you a problem for you. Okay, all right,
in your face, he don't job. I have dealt with
this sort of thing before. So let's just cut the chase.
(18:23):
How much? How much? Pick a number? Pick a number?
You crazy number? How about the crazy number is justice? O? Ye?
Do it? J U S T I C. You're going
to jail. Excuse me? Oh, this is my data. Yeah,
and she had a question for you. Yeah, okay, listen,
(18:48):
it's disturbing enough that all I think it's all of
you have tiny bodies that are super round and little
hand Alright, I'm not I'm not a racist. What I
am someone who doesn't like little pellets of poop in
their food. Okay, And just because you're human and tiny
doesn't mean that we don't know that you're doing all right. Really,
(19:09):
we had a rat problem with about six months ago.
Is pooping right now? I can see that. You gotta
try this truffle burger. It's really Yeah, well there's little
bits of truffle. Is there those bacon bits? No, it's truffle.
Take a bite, all right, I'll take a bite. Oh yeah,
(19:35):
you want to invest in this place? I don't know.
I mean, I guess what perks come along with the investment?
Free food At the end of times, these truffle burgers
I'm in. Can you introduce me? Yeah, absolutely, I'll set
something up, thank you. Yeah, try the fries too. There's
a little bit of truffle all over there is this
(19:55):
what I feel like I'm almost cheating getting this much truffle. Gentlemen,
here's a happy arm and so I'm sorry. You know
how to bring outside food or drinking to the restaurant.
I'm an investor. This is a business meeting. I'm sorry. Okay,
I will let my manager. No, thank you? What in
your name was Phil? Phil? Last name Phil Amster, Phil Amster? Okay,
(20:18):
thank you, sir. Wait what do you want? What are
you trying to tell me? Becky? There's a Phil Amster here,
one of the investors. He's eating some burgers here, and
it's just not our food. I just want to let
you know, so not to worry. Okay, nark what Why
are you narking on our customers, Tiffany, you told me
to come tell you if there's anything I'm just going
to do that. No outside food. As long as they're
(20:41):
buying drinks, we don't care. Becky, Jesus, you're such a
tattle tale. Well sorry, I try one of these stick
and chunky shakes too. Why is it so thick? I
don't know what you don't know? Something must be a
piece of bopa. There so much. There's a lot of
(21:01):
boba in the shakes that tastes like shits. The shake
is not good. Chunk was not boba. Becky, We're gonna
have to let you go from the CIA. Why straight
up called you a narc I know, but I was
going to the chain of command. I was no, no, no, no, no. Look,
we put you in deep, and I'm afraid you're deep.
(21:21):
You put me on Friday t J. Friday's unit. That's deep.
What you have teams in Iraq afghanis stand over Europe.
I mean, how are we gonna do? How are we
going to send you to fucking Iraq? Becky? I'm in Bakersfield,
t G I Fridays. What is going to Your color?
Still got blown? I have a c all. I don't
(21:41):
have any Chaerish sticks in here. Well, narcs technically or
d e A. That's the narcotics, Jake, Jake. When I
want your opinions, I want your opinion, Jake, I'll give
it to you, Okay, doesn't I'm a director of the CIA.
But why am I? Why am I in America? What
do you want? I want to be on a clandestine
(22:01):
European mission. Okay, hold on, we're getting facts, oats. We
just gotta mission a mission in well, I guess what
is the same thing about? Tiny people? What's going on?
Get off of all right here, I'm holding him up
a bobby so you can't reach something about tiny tiny
little people? Big burgers? I don't know. Go okay, okay,
(22:23):
where's it? God damn, it's in baker Field. It's in
Baker's Field. It's good. There's clothes for you, plausible ability,
that's all right, and hey, so fuck this up? Yes, sir, Yeah,
I don't get Welcome to Lenny. We're gonna get you. Hi. Yes, Um,
I'm looking for a game, nervous. I'm just I'm looking
for a new job. I was working at TJ Fridays. Okay,
(22:44):
what kind of job you look? No? Hello, you must speaking? Yeah,
that's my daughter. Hellos, very flotatious. Um oh are you
allowed to be smoking indoors? Is that a problem? Seasons
of me? Seasons? Then? Um yeah, I'll whatt your specially.
(23:06):
Let me see your applicate who you are? I have
a baby's gigantic. We can make that piece of paint.
I'm happy to make you home. It's like a tarp.
Just tell me about yourself. Sixteen years in the food
and service industry. What happened the first four The first
four years I was in turning over at the mcjonald's company,
and I was Jonald's, the first food giant. Well, they're
(23:30):
all giants, yeah, so I was working there on their
campaign for a woman gi yes, m giants for over
one billion, yes, both of those companies. And and uh
so after there I had a Donalds, Yes, mcgonald's. And
after there I had an opportunity to stay in but
I decided to be working in the field field the
(23:50):
food and in the food and services is a real field,
like when mice live. Have you ever seen mice? Is
so freaking scary thing. You've seen a mace from there?
To come up to us and thank you as if
we have common ground, Well, for the record, we have
nothing in common with the mouth. We're humans would just
(24:13):
round and tiny. And what would you like to do
here with Lenny? Well, I mean, if any position is available,
I'm happy to do in front of house. Nothing so
we defined the what we need. Go ahead, Well, I
think you would need someone to be at the counter
to agree guests. I agreed it, Yes, just just to
make an eye contact to deliver them down to you
to take the orders. That idea. We wasted so many hamburgers,
(24:34):
launching them up and people and tossing them to their face.
All right, let's see how that would work. That comes in,
you handle it? Hey, Hi, Hello, welcome to Lenny. This
is new. Yeah, this is an interesting place that you've
brought me to know. This is I don't know what's
going on. This is we're a waitressed you. Yes, I
was working right, Yeah, you were giving us a hard
(24:57):
time at I'm sorry. Oh except in something. Oh no,
the sexy one. Yeah, oh no, I gotta Oh my god,
I canna peel the sexy one off the bottom of
my shoe. Crow that murdered. That's murdered. It's not murdered. Hey,
can I can I bump a smoke? Yeah? You go,
(25:18):
hold on, let me pick it up for you. Oh,
how's your night going? Awful? It's going awful. Tell me
about it. Oh, my sister, she's so hot. She's really round,
like kind of like a cue ball and pool. That
doesn't sound hot to me at all. It is hot
(25:41):
everyone everyone likes it. Nobody likes me. Kind of look
more like a sack. I liked I like sax you do?
Is everybody laughing out my friends that you'd have spoken me?
Is you nothing? What's your name? Is? You never met me?
Set it? You act so weird? Said when you took
(26:04):
a smoke from me. I'm just trying to have a
friendly coming a little round girl. Beggars can't may choosers.
I want to take this rod for whatever he's gone.
I'm trying, but he's making himself unknown to me. I'm
trying to engage him like a ball fack. No, I'm trying.
(26:26):
I'm really trying, but I don't think he think. Did no?
I am? I am? I am? I am, I am,
I am? Wait like like this next cigarette for me?
I'm chain all right, sack far directors um The case
(26:51):
went into immediate mayhem. One of the investors failed. The
person we're having a profile on. He stepped on the
pretty one. I guess I don't know how to describe it.
She would less round and then a gentleman in the
back who was smoking a cigarette lit the other one fire?
Did you bring us some burger's back? Was that the mission?
Did you bring you bring some of those burgers? Oh?
(27:12):
My god, you sent me on a burger run? That
was the mission? The mission? How can we trust you
in Iraq? Backy, Maybe it's because burgers. I see six languages.
I know how to dismantle every weapon that's available. I
know how to fly a tank, I know how to
drive a helicopter. Do you understand these things? Like I
am an asset. I don't know, Jake, it's up to
(27:33):
you your call. Did they have Boba team had a
shake that was full of these weird things? I think
it was those little people's poop. I'm not a didn't
drink it. I get the god damn burger Jesus Christ. Alright, look, look,
we'll send you on Afghanistan, but it's gonna be with
(27:54):
some private contractors. Fine, who's the contractor? Dog Water? Those
brutus bastards, so thick freaks. You want me committee war
crimes for the government. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right.
That's why I signed up. Whoa nice gun. It's a
cool gun. Yeah, I made myself. It's made of plastic
and hair. Wow, doesn't shoot anything, but it looks bad. Okay,
(28:16):
well I'm gonna go home, Jake. I'll take a long day,
as you know. Back to congratulations on your new mission.
Thank you, and uh and uh. I want to say
once again there's your bells have been a fantastic propillar
to this community. And what a what a sad day
that Mr Lenny Yourbell had to lose both of these
dollarsping uh see, I'll saw that little nutsack. Can we
(28:44):
get her out of here? Get her out of here? Please? Okay?
Uh Mr your Bell, you'd have to come up your
someone help him up here? That that that thing to go?
Oh sorry, my bad. Yeah, sad day. Uh uh. No
(29:05):
one wants to outlive the children. And not only was
it bad enough that they were killed in the same
well within minutes. Uh. The lady in the back there
who keeps referring to my oldest is a nut sack.
That's that's a little uh more than I can personally handle.
So I'm going to keep this brief. I'm always gonna
(29:27):
say short, but I knew someone would laugh. Yes, you
in the front news crew, yew group, Yeah, are there?
Do you have any more children? Are there any more
small round people like you know? But I'm taking the
(29:48):
no boba. He plans to franchise. Yeah, yeah, there's a
list taking number newscrew and new crew. News crew. What's happening?
News crew? Okay, anybody else, I'll have the number five,
number five coming up. There's there's nobody to take the order.
(30:10):
Your family's day. It's a tough day, hot day of
the family. And I just want to say, if everyone
who came out, who are you right? Right? Come by?
Ladies were technically the lot? Okay, Uh, if everyone could
(30:31):
just disperse now, Mrs your Blood said what he wanted
to say. We all work, we have to What do
you mean, well, this is just a meeting for Mr Gabell.
We all just want to come and, uh, you know,
say our condolences. So thank you everyone who came there
for primarily the news crewise. What are you up to now?
I'm right now. Personally I was gonna hang out. I
think I was gonna go by by the house and
(30:52):
uh garden, but I'm happy to kick it with anybody
who wants to chill. Chick all right, so tell us
about us about about how crazy that was Oh what
I saw? Yeah, first I say, in the sky, come
on hot. We gotta always want to get the story
real quickly. If you want to patch in what I
(31:13):
gotta order? Wearing the mic? You're walking on with the
mic gun, I walk around with the lavel. Where my
so just in case, because I've been used a lot
of times by the news is witness. I just witnessed ship,
and I'm always witnessing stuff and this one was one
of the craziest today. And I've seen some ships. So
I see the sky probout six five. He's talking. What's
(31:35):
he talking to? See? Cougar nuts? So I'm coming up.
He's talking to a cougar nuts. Cougar nuts, crazy, I understand.
I'm sorry, what are the scabs? You're picking us bleeding?
That's just a liquid? Hey, Lenny, are you Yeah? I
just wanted to convey my condolence and pay my tab.
(32:00):
What are you bringing it? Oh? It was about a
thousand burgers man, a bunch of chunky shakes, so cash chick.
All right, you guys are on square right, Okay, you
got your cod car declined. Oh boy, that is weird.
(32:25):
It barely speaks. I'm guessing it's serious. Let's right again.
Well try another card, all right, Oh you get the
Disney credit God, I do very nice. Oh decline, it
does voices. That's unusual. Let's see if they can do
(32:47):
Peter FOG's Columbuss. I bet it can. I bet it can.
I hate the body, but well we'll have to do
this some other time anyway. Sorry, I I appreciate you kid,
I stepped on your hot daughter and sorry that. Sorry,
sorry about again about your loss. I appreciate it. And
(33:09):
good luck with the franchising. And yeah, this was overall
a good investment. Up until now, it's been a gravy train. Yeah,
no regrets. They let me take your food into Friday's
and they did that worked out. That did work out.
That's great. Yeah, all right, Well listen, you're gonna be
by Tuesday for poker. Yeah. Absolutely, don't get crushed by
(33:30):
my stack of chips. Well it happened one time, but
thanks you for bringing it up. Good work giants war
birds with the little things? Are you talking like that?
What're you talking about? Because we're huge, I know, but
like you know, that's hurtful to us, right, I feel
(33:50):
like I'm leaning into our heritage we're reclaiming it. Thank
you that for he can't control his job control our drool.
I understand we are gigantic, Yeah, we know. Why do
(34:10):
you keep saying that? Just reiterating we're huge? Okay, we're
huge je So anyway my whole point of talking. Yeah
Jesus christ Ma, I always just say I thought that
this experiment went well. I thought it want the murdering
of two small people. Yeah, well that experiment the tiny people?
(34:33):
Yeah yeah yeah, Because watch this, I'm gonna murder one
least second. Well, here we go. I'm gonna pick up
that weird one here. Oh my god, I'm a blog
up my mic on because this is yeah, put down
yet o justice? Was that kermit justice? That voice no true,
(35:06):
not true, not true news crewe and that seemed too.
This is from our old pal Toivo from Finland's Right
padre v I p he right Stare Comedy Extraordinaires. Thank
(35:28):
you so much for making two of my silly scene
suggestions happened already. I've been listening to this podcast from
the very beginning, and so far is the only one
I've supported financially. Well, thank you, simply the best you've
made Tuesdays and Thursday's better than what they were before.
How I wish you would tell us what they were
before so we'd have some context. Not a small thing
(35:48):
at all. Oh, and the special shout out to my
favorite voices of the show, Vanessa and Craigs. The rest
of us will be in the kitty letter box. Apparently.
Here's the suggestion for you to consider. A paranoid family
is stepping out of their comfort zone of overprotective lifestyle
by going to an amusement park for the first time.
(36:12):
All the best from Finland. All right, please just put
put this on. This helmet needs to be on super tight.
We're gonna be on Ryan's today, and I don't we
have to get sharp on everyone's faces first. Okay, kids, line,
I haven't get on your face. No, it doesn't heard.
It tells you my phone number if you were to
(36:33):
wander away. Okay, maybe you should put one at the
beginning for the area code. You're right, I should put
a one, but but sometimes the phone won't take a one.
Sometimes the one. Welcome to toy. Just give us a second.
We're prepping our family. Okay, we gotta get the helmets.
We got the numbers we got the What are we
forgetting the zip blox with all the pills? With the pills,
I've gone candy? Candy that is not organic? Is it?
(37:01):
None for children? None for our children. You guys are
all you're all beefed up. We have you all the
beef and the m are we they think we are gold? Please,
let's do it, let's do it. Let's have fun. Yeah,
it's okay. These are printed up from the internet. My husband,
the tech genius genius. What funt is that? If comic SAMs?
(37:24):
That's what I thought. I didn't pick the fun Which
one is Julie me? Okay, look at little Julie Peter.
Why did you look at her like just do you
think there's something wrong with her? She gonna be all right?
Is this a safe place for a child this size?
Are you a predator? It's there no petitors in the parks.
It's a petitive free puck. I got cameras at all times.
(37:47):
I mean, I'm only looking good. I got I got
these werewolves in the back of the truck. If you
want me to release him in the park, I can
do it, you know what I mean. I got drafts
and all the regular ship but I thought you might
want some crazy for this one. Huh. Okay, well what
did we what did we contract you for? You got
me a little elephant, little donkey, little draft. Yeah, it's
for a petting suit, right right right, but also go
(38:08):
it's gotta be a small draft. No, no, no no, kn't.
We don't have expensive enclosures like the top of the heads,
like the top of Cattillac Dan. Okay, and it won't
grow anymore. I don't know. I'll got these two werewolves
full world. We don't need any Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's it's it's broad daylight. Are they just permanent wears?
(38:30):
Pretty much dog manut at this point, you know what
I mean? They're just like in this the more like dog.
They're dog man. But okay, I just want to Bill
talking about the l I think we should go. I
think I think we should go, sweetheart. We can't do this.
I just love the family. Our family therapist said that
we have to start making progress and eventually we're going
(38:52):
to have time in Toyville in short time. It's your
Time's your time, toys. You want to picture with the
whole family, family, family, Okay, just pose right in front
(39:13):
of the toyvo castle there. Okay, it's not going to
fall over? Is it? That looks like it's made out
of block? I don't know. It's pretty, it's pretty sturdy. Okay, kids,
get a little close. Sees me how bright is your flash?
Or being really irresponsible not telling us how right your flash?
Well it's broad broad daylight. So I don't don't think
(39:34):
I need no flash, no flash. Okay, I wasn't going
to your sensitive to the light. She has the helmet
with the visor, which reminds me we should put more
sunt You have been out in the sun bigger, did
you We need sunscreen, not sun tan? Stick him up
(39:55):
and put him down, now, stick up. I'm telling you
right now, man, if you just let these things loose,
you're gonna have a good time. Well, brother, I guess
I guess Halloween is coming up. Yea's about eight months
a white. Look, let's do this. Let's let's just do this.
(40:17):
How about we release some boat, no charge, and if
you're like when you see you pay me at the end.
If not, no harm, no foul. I guess that's fair.
They haven't eaten all right, They are on the hunt.
Why the way I haven't eaten the draft. I mean,
come on, they have respect so they know who they
work with and plus they just eat people. Man. They Okay,
(40:42):
welcome to the Family Friend Fun Zone. Yeah, so this
is where family and friends have fun in the Zone park.
I I just wanted to I know that you guys
are rated the safest amusement park in the United States,
and that's why my family is here and I'm just
out of same. There's some it doesn't look that safe
(41:02):
in the family friend family members are looking for a friend.
Oh look, it's done less Joe. Friendless Joe Joe one
of the characters here with the Now I'm not gonna
I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but typically
parents left their children make friends with friendless Joe. Please
mom teaching you should know folks, I can bake you
(41:25):
a pie. We're not allowed to have pie because mom
says too much flour and sugar and teaching blueberry pay
was the first part of the peach. They can have peaches,
and they can have blueberries organic, but they cannot have pie.
And now it's time to say good bye. No as
(41:47):
the kids. You kids can go with friendless Joe and
the parents will take you this way. You gotta be
honest with you, like, none of the intellectual property has
really popped so far. So friendless Joe is not taken
off as a as a character. All right, okay, um,
but so yeah, I'm really I'm desperate for anything. So okay,
so we want something else, Well, what do you go?
(42:10):
I got whole bunch of stuff here. Okay, I got
I got handsy Joe and uh and he just I
was wondering who those guys were in the back of
the truck. Oh yeah, okay, great, Yeah, so I got
the eye grabber. And this is a character who's supposed
to steal your site, right and take you on a journey. Sound,
and we got a whole different like a whole little ride.
(42:31):
Yeah we have that. We like set a lot of parks,
by the way, do you sell to a lot of parks,
all the big ones? I thought I thought you were
just an animal guy. Oh that's my brother. Yeah, brothers animals,
and I would I went to the bathroom for a
little bit. Yeah no, no, we're twins. Okay, welcome to
the parents. Put peanut butter on their butts. I don't
(42:52):
think we're Yeah, the whole point here being ridiculous. Let
the kids be kids, and let the pair and would
chunky your pants? Pulled in your pants? No, down your
(43:12):
peanut butter and your booty. Okay, this was weirder than
I thought, but I'm sure the kids are having clean
fun and parents get to be dirty and at least
we're out of the friend zone, right, Hey, Kiss, friendless
Joe is sad. I know he's been boohoo and all
the way over here. Why is he crying so much? Well,
maybe because you don't hug him enough. Okay, okay, parents said,
(43:35):
we're not supposed to make full body contact with strange.
But your parents have peanut butter all over their booties
right now, It's true. Look at this picture. Oh my gosh,
they're having fun. So go ahead and cheer up, Friendless Joe. Friends, Joe,
I'm sure you're sad. Kiss. Attention guests, Attention guests, there
(43:56):
is there are two werewolves loose in the park. Fine, right, Yeah,
please go to the move for the closest I think
you can find attractive. Yeah, can you get your ship together?
When you're on the intercom, Like I've never had to
deal with this before. There's no protocol for so sorry,
(44:16):
the entrances and exits are sealed off. I don't know
what the hell's going back? Why did we seal off
the exit? I'm going I'm looking through the protocol book
and right here says that there's any emergency. The exist
and entrances are sealed. There's two werewolves in the park.
They're hungry for being There's nine inches of iron date
on either side, okay, coming from I don't know, and
looks like there's a dome emerging buff us. Okay, we're
(44:37):
trapped and okay, okay, look, bubb everything a song alright,
I think we might have made a mistake. Comp it's
tending to clean your bloods up? Okay, okay, the you
(45:00):
need to get to a safe area. Hold on, let's up. Look,
you need to get to a safe area quick. Okay,
what do you mean? There's two rules on the lucer
CA and they're human hungry. We're damnitubble. What's going on?
Everyone just got be calm, just stay here. He does
up there too, wet, very wet, very toy gas. I
(45:24):
do have an update on the werewolf situation. Apparently they're
more dog man because you know, werewolves are only you know,
like once a month and at night. But this is
during the day, and these are men who were just
permanently half man half dogs. So werewolf is not technically correct.
You'll know them when you see gives this ship about that?
Who cares about I'm a stick detail. We need guns?
(45:46):
Where do we keep the guns? We keep the guns
to the kiss. Actually friendly show for the show, knock
it off. We're in fucking bubble mode. Now we're in
bubble mode. Kids. Here's the deal. What your parents Joe's
voice Listen, guys, listen kids. Your parents are most likely
(46:07):
dead or we'll be doing so here take this gun,
you take this shovel and fucking best of luck. Let's go.
Let's go. Yeah, okay, um no, I've only fired. Oh
my god, came happy? Okay should I shoot? Should I
just aim for talk? They're talking? Yeah? Sorry, yeah, I
(46:35):
oh my gosh, he was a dog man right then? Yeah? Yeah? Weah.
So you guys look real real tantalizing, Just so you know,
just give me a hand. I'll be on my way.
What are your hands? I think I'm gonna try to
shoot him, don't. Luckily, we've micro chipped our children. So
(46:57):
all we gotta do is follow this appens plays Northree
Recenter Recenter. Is that a god damn wearable No, I'm
more of a dog man killing Bill killing You're not
a strong bill. He likes you. Peanut. It's the peanut butter.
(47:23):
It's the kidding. You've seen. You've seen what's going on
one of these cameras. Yeah, I'm seeing it. Ship this
other day, another dollar. That woman is getting eat out.
(47:46):
I've seen some ship, but some ship guys. Can everybody
just kind of be better at their job. I'm just
walking around the different departments and here you are just
practically jerking. It's monitored for Yeah, I saw it and
it makes me go crazy buck wild. Okay, but I
have a job to do. Like we're outside contractors, so
(48:07):
I know you're outside contractors. To me, you aren't professional
and you don't do your job. Just a witness on that.
I don't give. I'm not roll. I'll just I feel
something that I follow the wind that end up and honestly,
we're I'm happy to have you here as a CEO
of this park. I'm happy to have you here. A
woman still getting up, it's not it's making me go crazy. Kids,
(48:32):
Thank god I found you. Your mother's distracting one of
the wolfman. Oh my god, you killed this one. Okay O,
God's in pain. It's a sacrifice for you kids. Let's
get out to the car. She knows to me to
stair without she's going to mean to stare. Trust me,
(48:55):
run and run and run. Okay, held on a segment
only even you can't take another person. This is a
four seater. My guts are hanging out on Tom Tom, Okay,
let me this guy put these silly please only please,
you have to know stump right here. The only way
to dispel the curse of the dog man is wait,
(49:15):
wait right, wake up, to get this stuff back in
his Tom Tom, come on, tell us what the dispersion said.
And you've got your hands in his side. Oh bummer.
Let's leave him here, and I'm sure your mom will
be here any second to So how did you how
did you to meet um? We're gonna ask answer your
questions table for two as story table. Would you like
(49:42):
to be inside or outside? On the path outside all
around side? You know how I get down a little
bit a little okay, okay, she's just right. We're on
a honeymoon at tj I Fridays, and this is where
you went. It doesn't matter where we are, honestly, we
have the time of our Uh yeah, all right, Well
(50:07):
this is our first family therapy session without your mother.
I hope we can all just surely talk about it.
For you. It's not my fault, Yes it is, dad.
We love the we love the park. When she was
basically having sex with that one, you know, we know what,
we know what it is. We can We'll have a
talk with the family therapist and you can be honest
(50:28):
in the book. I got it, I got accepted to Stanford.
I'm going and I'm not coming back. I'm going and
I'm not coming. You can't move out of state? What what?
Of course I can. We've got such a big house
and Dad, we don't like you and we don't want
to be in the same Hey, so you and I roommates,
that's okay. You taking that picture of that dog off wool? Well,
(50:50):
do you mean I just don't like dogs? That I
just I was attacked by dog as a kid. Oh wait,
is this sounds familiar My uncle, My uncle was attacked
by dogs at this part. I don't know talking about
where were you attacked. I was holy sh it, I
(51:13):
saw your mother on YouTube. Come on, man, hey, come on,
do me a favor. Please, don't with the wolf guy. Yes, yes,
it's a dog man. Oh my god. Guys. Sorry there.
We have a party tonight. I just wanted to stop
by all the dorms and invite everyone to it. Yeah.
Where's the party. It's at Sigma Yeah, so anyone can come.
You just have to try. Anyone can come. Well, people
invite okay, even people with dog broms. Oh my god.
(51:36):
YouTube dot com. Yeah, okay, well you can definitely come. Yeah,
for sure you can come. It would be funny if
you came here. You guys all right here, just checking in.
Everybody getting more fine? Whoa you're from the number one
video of all time on YouTube dot com. Yeah, yeah, hey,
(51:58):
little man, I know. Oh, you're probably surprised to see
you can just drop off the card and leave. I
want you to call me dad? What I want you
to call me Dad? I'm not gonna do that. I've
watched you grow up these years. I'm proud of the manage.
I see you probably the night around my window. Yeah, man,
I mean it's not just for you. I hate you.
(52:21):
See it again, I hate you. Keep saying it. I
hate you. I hate you. I don't like you. I
don't like you. I'm in love with you. I found
out what you did to my mom. I made her happy,
young man. Maybe you didn't, maybe you didn't, but you
de stroyed a family in the process. I don't know
how you were created. I don't care. I broke your
dad because he was a bitch, but I made your
(52:43):
mom happier than she's ever been. Hey, you want to
make a woman happy, not by you, Not the way
you do it. You mean, not the way you do
I do it. Make somebody happier than they've ever been
in their whole fucking lives. It's just physical with you,
that's all you know. Physic It's not true. Yes it is.
I told you not to confront him. I'm sorry, baby.
(53:06):
Keeping from one can leave. No, there's a whole litter
of siblings you have that you've never been and you're
missing out on a on a world of family and
pleasure and pain and visceral, visceral experience. I'm gonna know
I did so. I think I was here. A couple
(53:33):
of the baby goats and one of those donkeys. But
no more, no more of those dog men. I just
feel like they didn't work out. Yeah. Man, well you know,
I got my stomach tied up and I'm all right,
well you did, but I thought maybe you were your brother.
No no, no, no no, because my twin who was
(53:54):
doing the animatronics and all the care that he died,
he did die. He died. Okay, yeahed months after the event.
He was not killed by the Okay, I have a complaint.
I bought a giraffe from you. It kept growing. Not
my problems far grew. It's enclosure, not my problem. You
(54:16):
told me. Wouldn't a Cadillac, sir, that's what as you
put a Cadillac up right? Oh yeah, I have a
good night. Now. Look I got these these squid creatures
that I'm really proud of you. First of all, I'm
happy that we're on the stage, and second of all,
I'm glad you're taking me to toy Ville. Like, I know,
a lot happened to you here. I guess the way
(54:38):
I kind of processed my trauma is by going back
to the place where it happened, you know what I mean?
For me, that's fun I think that's great. And you
put the sharp all of your face and yeah, and
it's my same it's the same phone number, little girl
and boy. They kind of remade it after my brother
and after the accident, she built toy Bill little boy. Yeah.
(55:06):
What's your favorite place, like, what's the most like triggering
area of this part? For me, the most triggering and
my favorite is probably this big boulder over here. That's
where my brother and I hit and we could see
my mom getting totally now by. That's our show. Oh yes,
I sure. Uh we all lost our ship on that way.
(55:29):
What was the suggestion? No idea? It was a dog.
I thank you. I want to thank all of our
alchem it is starting with Mr James C. James, thank
you so much. And where can folks find you? Please
just go to the real James Heeney dot com. That's
all my show dates and all my stuff. And Greig Kakowski. Yeah,
(55:52):
it wasn't it fun at Sketch fast Man. That was fun?
That what a show. Yeah the punchline. Everyone who came out,
thank you so much. Uh and uh, folks will find
you at your various sights and things. Perfect Joey Grab
I heard you on another Ron Burgundy. Yeah, a little
bit part on their Yeah, it was really great. Vanessa
(56:13):
Yes writer dot com. Oh please, we need the traffic.
Exciting shows, so many new exciting shows, so many great
things coming. Valentine Special. Oh oh, there's actually a huge
Valentine's party. Everybody should come. Everyone here's invited. Um, lovers, loners, anyone.
We're gonna have dancing, little shows, magic, um, so many surprises.
(56:36):
We just started planning it and I'm really excited. So yeah,
check that out. Ben, you see typewriter dot com. Caroline
Gutter Oh at Carter Poop. Sure, Uh, fan myself. I'm
fanning myself. Chris Alvarado, Oh yeah, it's at Carter Poop.
Let's thank our producer and engineer and the fine folks
(56:59):
that I heard media. I'm your host, Kevin Paul until
next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.