Post-Apocalyptic Home Owners Association

Post-Apocalyptic Home Owners Association 

Surfers Go to NYC

Unnecessary Cashews

 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Alchemy.
This I am your guest host or just post. No,
I'm not the host, but you know who I am.
I'm Chris Alvarado, and I'm sitting in for Kevin. I'm
sitting in for James, I'm sitting in for Cole, I'm
sitting in for Craig. It's just been going that way recently.

(00:23):
But I am not alone. No, I'm not alone in
this world. No, and I'm not alone here today for
this particular recording because I am joined by my friends,
my colleagues, my artistic brethren. Let's say hello to them
in no particular order. Let's start with Jackie to Ruthie. Hi, Jackie, boy,

(00:44):
you and you and I are friends, which is nice.
It's nice to say that, say these are my friends
and you are my actual friend. Jackie. Here's something I
don't know about you, though. Do you talk to people
in line at the grocery store CVS type stuffy? Like?
Will you you engage? I'll talked about any buddy, yeah,
oh yeah, oh yeah, I'll tell people I like their outfit,

(01:06):
you know, I like to connect. And then like when
you're walking your dog, do do you wave to people
in the street or say hi to people in the street.
I'll certainly smile, I'll certainly say hi, yeah. And if
they have a dog too, we're talking like a day.
In fact, there is a man who walks who I've

(01:27):
I've actually only seen him like a few times. It
was like, you know, pretty consistent that I every time
when I would take or Zo to like go pee
at this certain hour, he'd be walking his dog who
was like this very sweet husky named Cora. And Cora
was just like very sweet and like very nice to

(01:47):
oor Zoe and whatever, and so we'd like not even chat.
I just knew that the dog's name was Cora. But
then I hadn't seen them in a while. And then
I was at the park that I go to with
the dog and Cora came in and I was like, Cora.
I was also wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and I
was wearing a mask at the time because I had

(02:09):
like the sniffles, and I was like, I'm negative, but
I don't know, guys, I'm just like I'm not giving
anyone whatever. We're outside, I have a mask on, so
I'm completely camouflaged, and I'm like Cora and the guys
just like the Funk and I had to like, like,
it's me, We've never or so because we've never changed names. Okay, right,

(02:38):
I find it. I find it. My neighborhood people aren't
very nice that way. Okay. I mean, you know, but
you know who is nice to much time? No, you
know who's always been nice though, Jackie said, you and
me and everybody's ever met. James Heeney. Absolutely, James is
known for being nice. James, do you recall can you

(02:59):
give us an estimate of the price of the most
expensive dinner you've ever paid for that I've ever paid for?
Probably it's not that much. I mean, I'd say probably
two hundred dollars for Aaron and I together. Yeah, it's
probably the most I've ever paid for a dinner. I've

(03:19):
been so blessed that I've been on more expensive dinners.
I've just never had to pay for them. Yeah. I
went to a place in Sedona. I don't know, they
don't have prices on the menu, so I have no
idea how much it was. But it was outdoors and
our table was next to a creek with running water
next to us, and it was amazing I don't know

(03:40):
the price, but I'm certain it's the most expensive meal
I'll ever have. James, I love that you don't know
the price. I check this out, James on I just
got back from Italy. At one of the places we stayed,
check this out. We thought maybe we were crazy the
first night, but we went to the same restaurant two
nights in a row, and I've never heard of this.
They hand me the man the menu with the prices

(04:01):
on it, and they handed my wife the menu without prices.
I have never heard of it. But of course Jessica
wants to know how much, so I would just we
just switch. Isn't that wild? Okay? Who, Well, we're gonna
we'll talk to Craig in a second. He is here,
but he's just not next on my list to get

(04:22):
his take on the menus. But you know who is next?
Market Gagliardi, everybody. I love that menu thing. I know
it's super sexist, super sexist. I like the idea that
you could walk and you'd be like, Hey, which menu
do you want? Do you want the one with the
prices on it? Are you like? Fuck it? Just give
me the one that I could just go full hedonistic.

(04:43):
I know it's weird. Yeah, it's sexist. Could it be romantic?
I don't have never understood why you wouldn't want it,
Like there's always just enough room for the price, you
could just enough room to put This is on purpose
so that the woman doesn't have to look at the price.
She's not the worry. She just chooses based on what
looks good because of course she's not paying, which was

(05:05):
not the case with us, Mark, Mark, Yes, okay, I
mean you know we split, we split. Sure. This is
a I'm excited to ask you this question. I'm excited
to answer it. Okay, for you personally, For you personally,
I said, what's more valuable? But I don't know if
that's the right wording. What's what? What do you like most? No,
I'll say that, okay, for you personally, what's more valuable

(05:26):
to you? A deadline article? I AMDB star meter or
a Getty image. This is yeah, it is inside baseball.
Um I think for me, I mean, I know, I know,

(05:49):
I know. First Okay, it's such a it's such an
actor centric question. I realized, and I love I like Um,
I like the star meeter. I think because this star
meter is quantifiable over time because you can look at
you can look at the entire and I won't just
apply this to like when I've googled myself, which I've

(06:09):
never done, or searched myself, which I've you know, also
never done. I don't know why I need to make
a distinction between googling and searching myself, as if like, well,
we all know bing as the default, but I've never
binged or googled. Now. Um, but the star meter you
can see an entire career arc. Uh, so it's uh,

(06:30):
you know, it's there's more information in it. Have you
seen God? Who was it? It was some comedy writer
from l A. She got a purse. Have you seen
this image? It's the Getty Image logo was purse and
she wore it to red carpet events. So she would
carry a purse and it would sling right in front

(06:51):
of her midsection exactly in the same spot that a
Getty Image logo would. And I think it's the most
brilliant purse. I guess with this taking as little time
as possible, I didn't realize Getty images were important. What
exactly does it take to get a Getty image taken
like why is that you have the red carpet Yeah, yeah,
I think it's just red carpet images are red carpet images.

(07:14):
I don't know, I don't I mean, probably do other images,
but I think it kind of denotes that you were
at an event that was worthy of being captured for
all time almost you know. Now, if we're going with
do at what point do I feel like I have
made it? It's when I get an ice stock photo image.
That's when I've made it. Is like me juggling and
I become just the picture that pops up on I

(07:35):
stock photo when it That's when I've made it. Uh.
That was that was a little inside baseball. I'm so
I'm thank you for answering, though, thank thank you for
answering always. Alright, Craig Atkowski, everybody, Hi Craig, Hi, Chris Craig.
I can talk to you about a million things forever,
and I plan on doing so, just in this particular episode.

(07:58):
Just a random question. Here are you or were you
ever a Dungeons and Dragons guy? Nope, I can talk
I can talk to you forever. That's that's the that's
the end of that conversation. Um. I mean I'm kind
of of the age that like I'm pretty much the

(08:19):
age of the Stranger Things kids, you know, Like so
like that's and so I was, you know, in my
tweens and teens as the game was really exploding, and
a few times I was gifted like Dungeon and Dragon,
like Dungeon Masters sets and stuff like that, and I

(08:39):
think I just I never understood, like because it's not
a game with rules and stuff. There's like a concrete thing.
And I think I try to get my friends together
to play it, like based on a little bit of
information that we had, and like you need somebody to
like indoctrinate you into it. But now I kind of
understand what it is is and I have no interest

(09:01):
in play like you know, and not to like gender quality,
like but I think at that time too, it's like, okay, well,
like girls will play with dolls and boys we'll have
this way to like creatively storytell like you know, be
and charactors, where like we would do that with art barbies.

(09:22):
And what's the prices were on the Dungeons and Dragons
games and the dolls have no prices. It's weird, but
I I improvise, you know, I I role play all
the time, so it's like, that's fine. I'm an actor.
I'm an improviser that scratches that itch for me. I
have no particular affinity for fantasy worlds. M hmm, but

(09:48):
God bless people people love it. I love that that
brings people joy. Just I'm not that person. Well, I
think all of us, us five are about to enter
a fantasy world right now, or words, I should say,
who's our dungeon master? Brought on by the suggestions of listeners, Yes,
who either right in to our email or or for

(10:10):
for priority selection or priority uh positioning in the queue.
They can become a Patreon v I P. A supporter
of the show. They can do this by going to
Patreon dot com, slash alchemy this, or like I said,
they can just shoot us an email. And by this
point they certainly know our email address. But in case
you don't know, it is alchemy this email at gmail

(10:32):
dot com, it is actually at dot dot or seen
one comes to us from an Alchemy v I P.
Krry King Kerry says, Hi, guys, a prompt for you.
Even in a post apocalyptic world, there is no escape

(10:54):
from home owners associations h thanks. Hello, is there anybody
in here who's hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's okay, it's okay, I'm human, Still human, Still human,
all right, do the test? Still human? Oh here, look
look look at my pupils. Uh huh you can see them. Okay, okay, okay,

(11:18):
no red, no red, no red. Okay, still human? Okay.
What can I do for you? The water, if you
need some water? No, no, actually, it's not about the water.
It's some I hate to bring this up. It's about
your lawn. Say what your lawn it's a little long.
Oh well, you know I've been collecting and scavenging and

(11:41):
yeah yeah, yeah, but I mean you couldn't scavenge yourself
a lawnmower, because, uh, you know, we try to keep
things tidy around here. I mean, look across the way,
look at look at Sandra's place. Sandra Sanders. She's particular. Yeah,
she likes to keep she's you know, we are particular
as a neighborhood. You know, like all of her water
drums are all lined up to see that. See how

(12:02):
Sanders got her water drums lined up over there? Looks nice.
I was just keep keeping this infant alive has been
taking up most of my time. Sure, sure, sure, And
we don't want to we don't want to infringe on
you keeping an infant alive. But you know, maybe maybe
pick up maybe pick up some of the shell casings
out of the out of the driveway, you know. Oh okay,

(12:26):
and just just really anything in life that you any
advice you need about this. I really just looked to Sandra.
Her place looks great. I mean, just look at Sandra's place, like,
come on, and then I just feel I just feel
like we haven't had a meeting in years, and you
know what with the explosion and all, well sure, look,

(12:47):
we all just found these houses. We all just found
these houses. I get it. We all found these houses.
And and when we first got here, we were like, yeah,
you know what, we're all gonna be here. We're gonna
create a community, and is how we're gonna live now.
And but you know, time's past a little, so clean
it up, Blood Jaw. I think I think people are

(13:09):
living in this neighborhood. Look at that. Look at that
person's yard, crisp, clean cut grass, water barrels lined up.
Come on, blood Jaw, we can go in there. We
can just take over this town. Uh, I'm I'm so disoriented. No,
I haven't eaten in days. There's probably human beings there.

(13:33):
We can eat them. We'll cook them, we'll make a
nice I'm on a spike of yeah, yeah, all right,
So what should we do? Wait for nightfall and then
and then raid the place that that one with the
cut grass? Why wait for nightfall? I don't know, the
element of surprise? Okay, yeah, I said no, no, no,
I don't know why I didn't think of that, but

(13:55):
that surprised me. It's supposed to be the leader blood Jaw.
I usually look up to you for advice, are you okay? Yeah,
I'm just wondering, like, uh, is this place zoned for
for barbed wire? I don't know. I think the barb
borris trying to keep us out. But if we sneak

(14:16):
in there, I think we could just eat the humans
that are there. Yeah, I'm sorry. Your pupils are really like, uh,
I don't know what to call them, but pooling. Your
pupils are pooling it the bottom here. My pupils are pooling.
Your pupils are kind of polish, those ping uh Sandra

(14:41):
Sandra hum yes, human across the street. Let's test two
or four. Al Right, now, put your right foot in,
put your right foot out, put your right foot in,
shake it all about. M M all right, that's human.

(15:02):
That's no one else can hokey pokey, come on in. Hi. Hi.
I'm not sure we've officially met. Like I said, I'm
across the street two or four. Nice to meet you.
You might have heard the baby baby cries. I found
an infant in an at tire, so I've been raising
to actually stay inside. Uh. Yeah, that's smart, that's smart.
That's smart. Smart. Um. I was visited by someone earlier

(15:25):
who was kind of giving me the rundown about the
way this society is going to be moving on from
from here on forward, rules or whatnot. Familiar. Well, if
you're talking about Don, yeah, I'm very familiar. Yeah Don
Don Yeah. Um uh, I guess I'm just here to say, like,

(15:48):
it's not really that big of a deal with my
lawn is unmowed or or I'm not bringing the trash
cans in. After you want to talk about this kind
of stuff, we'll have an h O a meeting. Okay, Oh,
I just thought maybe we can have a friendly you
know friendly. And this is when you open up the

(16:09):
blind spots and easily open up our defenses. When we
just start casually going to each other's houses to have
conversations about things, we give the blood suckers opportunity to infiltrate.
M hmm. Because your baby is not with you right now,
So your baby's going in your house right now. You
see what I mean. So if you want to call

(16:30):
an official h and, let's keep it safe. Let's keep
it safe. But at the end of the day, a
scotch scotch, Yeah, yes, cap flush. Look what they're doing
out there, They're just meeting in the middle of the day,
just walking around. Oh my god, Maybe they're just idiots.
Maybe we could just go in there and take this

(16:51):
town without even waiting for the element of surprise. How
we need the element of surprise? Remember, we gotta wait
until nightfall. Hey, that was I saw you talking to
blood yall earlier. Yeah? Is he okay? I don't know, honestly,
it was my idea to wait for nightfall. He seems
a little out of it. I don't know if he's

(17:11):
fully human anymore. His eyes are pooling. I don't know
if he's should be the leader. Don't. I don't want
to eat a baby. I don't want to get a baby.
Oh here is shut up, Shut up baby. Okay, I'm
trying to I'm so hungry that my pupils are pulling.

(17:33):
My pupils are pulling. Uh alright, this is official h
O A meeting. Thank you guys for meeting at my house. Yeah. Um,
an issue that I wanted to address was I understand
that we all everybody, yes, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have
a doughnut, Okay, go for it. I understand that we

(17:56):
all agreed that putting us spikes in a lawns was
a bit of an eyesore. However, Um, we have been
seeing bloodsuckers within the community. The barbed wire is not enough,
and I think that we should talk about another line
of defense because you know, I've killed seventeen of these
things and it takes a toll on you, you know, emotionally.

(18:20):
Where are you going to get the funding for this?
I'm already giving you one one being a week. Okay,
I'm paying, I'm paying my dues. I went umps to
two or three beans a week. You know who's paying
for this. I'm listen. We could we could, we could scavenge,
we could send out a team to just find these

(18:41):
you know poles, just errant poles. And weren't you being
a team player two oh four. I'm just trying to
figure stuff out here. Hey remember remember remember back in
the old world there there was that show Arctic Scavengers. Yeah, yeah,
with the Polar bears. Oh it was good. That was
a good show. Yeah I miss that show. Yeah, man,

(19:04):
we all missed TV. You know what, let's all take
a second donut. There's a lot of donuts. I don't
want to just take a second donut. Okay, take a donut,
leave a bean. Take a donut, leave a bean. I
was actually just going to say, let's take a moment
for two of four's um infant. The infant. Oh yeah,

(19:29):
shame about that kid. That was sad, Yeah sad. Yeah, well,
I mean she you know, she wasn't mine, right, but
you were responsible for her or your responsible for her. Okay,
don't raise the heights of the hedges or because right
now we have a five foot limit on hedges. Yeah.

(19:51):
I don't love the shade that the height gives, but
I do like the coverage from you know, blood sucker
eyes right right from the blood suckers, you know, m
m mmmmm. Did you ever name that baby? Yeah? Yeah,
would you like to share? Never found any bones. It

(20:12):
might be alive somewhere, right, It could have just it
could have just learned to walk. I don't know. I
think I think it was a clean slur by one
of the blood suckers. Oh, you are mostly cartilage at
that point, right, Remember oysters. Remember when you used to
get oysters and shooters. You just squeeze the thing on shot,
just like we all remember oysters. We remember oysters. I'm

(20:36):
looking for a gluten free donut. Um. Yeah, um, that's
actually going to be on that table over there. Okay, Andrew,
where Celia are you getting? Where are you getting on
these supplies? Just think it's better for my body. But
I actually have no scientific proof of that at all.
It's just a mental thing for me. Blood huh, Yeah,

(21:01):
I would. Sorry. Um, we weren't able to sleep to
well last night. We never ended up doing the Element
of Surprise thing. But there's been a baby crying all
night long, and you're in your little hut car whatever
we call our hot cars, I call them hot cars. Yeah,
if you're not gonna eat the baby. It's keeping us up.

(21:25):
Maybe we can split the baby out here or something. Look,
I thought about slurping the baby and one solid slurp,
as it's traditionally done, but I looked in the baby's
eyes and I just can't do it. Okay, Look somebody,

(21:46):
somebody had written uh Marty on the on the baby's onesie. Okay,
I can't. I can't eat something with a name. Well,
I'll tell you what I honestly, it doesn't sound like
you you should be the leader anymore because you aren't
what we call hardest nails, sharpest a razorback. I am

(22:07):
my votes gonna go for scat blush. I think you're
probably gonna get eating yourself. Well, me and Marty are
going to get out of here. Then, hey, maybe we're
gonna go see how do you two wound up in
these parts? Don't you know there's an apocalypse on nice motorcycle? Hey? Thanks? Uh?

(22:32):
What uh? What's the name of this place? Old timer?
This place right here? Oh, it was called the waffle house,
but the you fell off now it's called the waffle hose.
So we figured we'd just stick with it. Would you
and your little young fella like to come in and
have some scattered, smothered and covered whatever we can find. Sure.

(22:54):
Sure this is Marty by the way. Oh hi, ow
I know it says it on this onesie. Well, come
on in, come on in. It's not safe to be
riding a motorcycle around here. You say your eyes are fooling?
Uh tell me? Can you get human flesh smothered? And

(23:16):
wait a minute, you're not a human after all. That's right.
That's my son in the corner. He's got a gun trained.
He's got a few. Better start spilling the beans about
how you got all the way out here. Don't have
any beans? Okay, I don't have any beans. Spillings. We

(23:38):
want all your beans. No, I'm completely out of money.
That's all right. This town doesn't use beans, is money? Anyway?
Nearest town does. That is a good several miles away.
But everybody knows Sandra runs that town. Cram Pamarty. We
don't want to hear another story. Everything worked out and
now it's modern times again. So anyway, I'm a little point.

(24:03):
You're boring a ship. You think this is boring? I
told you the story of a goddamn apocalypse. Yeah, well,
like I wasn't seeing anything, you know what I mean?
Like I didn't see anything. You just heard a story.

(24:24):
You just heard a story. You didn't see your story.
We'll look into this one eye. What do you see there?
Look into this one eye? Now it's not pus see too.
Comes to us from Patrick from Canada. How do alchemists? Howdy?

(24:48):
The way you all can do accents and change your
tone of voice are truly impressive. Chris got some ship
in the beginning for not being as good with accents
he's got, but he's gotten better, and he's certainly not
bad at accents. I realized that I have not given
the scene suggestions specifically referencing accents yet, and I hope

(25:08):
Chris enjoys this one, so of course I had to
pick it. Suggestion. A bunch of surfer dudes go to
New York for the first time. I'm much appreciated, Patrick
from Canada. Surfer dudes got to New York. Oh, Uh,

(25:28):
do I have to check this surfboarding or can I
just use it as a carry on? Uh? It's a
bit too large to put into the overhead bin, so
you're going to have to check that one. Oh, it's
just is it gonna am I gonna be charged for
because I got through security and they didn't say anything.
So I feel like you're fault. I'm just you specifically,

(25:54):
but like the airline, right, but when you pointed your finger,
it really made me feel like it was me specifically
in really really personal eden. We've got to get this
guy on the plane. Come on, take care of this gentleman.
We've got to take off. We've got a fifteen minutes
late already. Sorry, you're gonna have to check in your
surfboard if you want to make it to New York
City where all the best surfing is all right, but

(26:16):
it's really you got to be super careful with it
because bro, this is a family heirloom surfboard. It's from
Like you're at international flights. We always take care of
all of our all of our passengers, baggage and storage
and stuff. Don't you worry? Now? Did you ask for meat?

(26:39):
A chicken? Part of me I got the windows over here?
Excuse me, dude? Part of me? Okay, Hey, how you doing.
I'm Jack, I'm the surfer Booty. What's your name, Booty? Oh?
So you're definitely a surfer? Uh? Page you way back

(27:02):
international flights before. It's my first time, Dade, my first
time man, so many weird accents. I'm excited about surfing
the Hudson. Yeah yeah, I've heard there's some some crazy waves.
Should be ripping, should be ripping. All right, the tension passengers,
this is your captain speaking. We are about to fly

(27:23):
to my hometown of New York City, so we'll get
you up in the air very soon. And don't worry,
we'll Once we hit ten thousand feet, I will turn
off the fast and seatbelt signs. Feel free to move
about the cabin, then to mingle with whoever you like.
Jets jets et s jets jets jets very cool. Ten

(27:45):
thousand Wow, I better. I've served ten thousand waves by
this point, I don't even know how many waves have served.
That's probably the better way to go about it. Hey,
are you gonna get a slice in New right? Yeah? Yeah,
I'm thinking I've heard. It's better. Heard it's better too.

(28:07):
Excuse me more. You're going to have to put up
your seat into the complete upright position before we take off.
If you could do that for me, please, sir, then
we can carry on. Well, that upright is harsh in
my vibe, laid back kind of guy's kind of the
laid back guy. Not surely the reasoning for this, but
it is uh, it is law and it is um

(28:29):
that is what we need from you right now. That's
funny though you're not sure the reasoning, right, because I'm
not going to lie to you. I'm not sure the reasoning.
This is my second day as a flight attendant. UM,
I'm mostly here for these smiles and for my very
good customers, divers. It is very good. Yeah, I cannot
bring you many drinks later, but for now, I'm going

(28:50):
to need you to actually do something for me, and
that is a to put up your seat into upright paper,
upright position. Alright, alright, not really, mercy, Mercy. You know, hey,
where are you staying? Um? The plaza is that in Queens?

(29:13):
I don't know exactly. I think it's kind of fancy though.
The World Surfing Competition put me up there. I think they.
I think they're thinking I'm gonna be a big deal
after this competition. To be honest, Wait a minute, bro,
what's your full name? Jack Johnson? Jack Johnson. I've heard
of you, well, you probably heard of my music and

(29:36):
I'm kind of like a surfers. I played first play.
People say I play surfer music, but I actually surf.
I noticed you weren't wearing shoes, never do. I got
tar my toes. I love that Curious George soundtrack. Any
who just tell servers you know what I mean? Refers? Right?

(30:01):
You see that guy over there with that vintage board. Yeah,
I wonder what his deal is. There's no way he
can get barrels on that thing. No, I mean that's like,
that's like nine fifties ship. Right. It looks like somebody
that would just get a wet suit, get a board
and walk into the ocean without any kind of you know,

(30:23):
like assistance or lessons or something that would like help anybody,
you know what I mean. I'm sorry, I can't actually
put my my seat all the way back because I've
got a back thing we're got. I can't sit up
right straight. I gotta be vertical, like kind of horizontal.
Does that make sense? Unfortunately, we cannot start the flight

(30:46):
unless you do this for us. So do you want
to have to beat the art or is everybody's going
to be delayed and you don't want to see a
bunch of passengers, very very set. This is my second
day seat up. Come on, come on, god, this is ridiculous.
You have been making my trip really harsh. Then won't
let me take my board on the plane. Now I've

(31:07):
got to sit up straight. This is ridiculous. I should
have just taken a regular flight from California to New York. Insider.
This international bullshit. You can feel free to this blood
if you want. If you want to get on a
different flight, you have a fun time. But right now,
if you're in't here, we've already closed the doors. So
this is what it is. You have major bed, Now
you have to sleep in it. Now. I'm not really

(31:30):
very very good at customer service, and I don't like
to bring my voice like this, and I don't like
to make my face like this. So I would like
to bring it back to a smile and the pleasantries.
And I can only do that, sir, if you put
up your seat into the proper upplied position so that
we can all get on with our day and with
our flight. Well, these are a flights, am I right?

(31:51):
I tell you, pal, if if you're flown out of
LaGuardia or JFK or even knew what this would have
never happened here. Uh l A X. I'm right. Well, honestly,
I think L A X isn't the problem. It's this
international flight. They got all these rules. I don't know.
It's a it's a California thing, right what. I'm a

(32:13):
New York native. I'm a New York native. I know,
I know. Yeah, you probably pegged me right away, right, No,
I honestly I thought you were maybe from I don't know, Georgia.
I don't know. I'd raise Queens. No, I've never been

(32:38):
to New York. I just I'm going for the World
Championship Surfing Contest surfing. Yeah, hey, if it's in New York,
it's gotta be good. All right. I guess I will
put my seat up. You kind of inspired me to
do the right thing, do the right thing, bed stolen movie. Alright,

(33:02):
ESPN viewers, it is a first here on the network.
We got the first annual that's an ambitious name for
an event, the first annual New York City Surf Contest
right here on the Hudson River. I'm here with my
co host scratch boards. How we doing their scratch boards?

(33:27):
It's doing pretty I'm so exciting. To do the surfing now,
so this is really great. The createst thing about it
is we don't usually see surfing on the river. That's right,
scratch boards, but we got three of the best surfers
in the world here today. Musician Jack Johnson. Not a
lot of people knew this. He is uh, the barefoot

(33:49):
wonder of the boards out there on the water. Wherever
the hell he lives, probably Hawaii would be my guest.
We also have Body Tree, who is a relative newcomer
to the sport, but he has, uh he has been
showing up at a lot of events lately and really
making sure the crowd stays as zen as possible. And then,
of course, I mean, we've got the we've got the

(34:12):
grump of the airlines ever since that DMZ story came
out last night, is correct me. I know, I can't
believe a passenger even posted that video, considering some of
the things that he said, but that doesn't change the
fact that he is the He is the front runner
to win the entire Hudson event. So let's go down

(34:34):
right now, and we've got the competitors, Mike, Let's see
what they're saying as they prepare. Thanks Joe, Uh, this
is uh Doris Burke reporting for ESPN here at the
first Annual Stuff Club. I'm here with Jack Johnson. Jack.
We know you can sing those sweet sweet tunes. Are
you gonna make a lullaby out of this wave or what? Oh?

(34:55):
I see what you did there. I think that's very cool. Um,
you know you because a lot like surfing. You gotta
put on a white suit, grab your board, go into
the water, paddle paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, pop up, go
down the line and do some cutbacks just like songwriting.

(35:17):
Sounds exactly like songwriting as someone who knows nothing about either. Now,
I've also got a body body Tree here with me. Right.
You were the youngest competitor here. How did you get
here today? Doris Burke? I'm twelve years old and I'm
you know, I was I was born raised by the

(35:37):
Tree family and uh to bang a canyon and uh,
I've been surfing before I was walking, So you know,
this is just kind of a natural extension of where
my life was already headed. What what an incredible story.
And I saw that your parents flew in today, specifically,
I know that you came in a little earlier. How
was that flight by yourself, and did you have somebody

(35:58):
escorting you to and from, uh, the jetway. I was
next to my bro Jack Johnson. Wow. Wow, so almost
like a father figure to you at this point in
the competition. That's gonna really shake out, interestingly out there
on the waves. Yeah, it's gonna suck when I beat him. Wow.
I like that tenacity and I like that fire. Speaking

(36:20):
of fire and tenacity, we've got the bully of the
of the actual air here with us. Oh, come on, man,
that's like not really cool. And that's the image I'm
trying to make for at the end of the day.
You recognized yourself in this competition. Are you gonna keep
that villain title and beat out these very very lovely
boys and men? First of all, these boys to men,

(36:42):
I don't think that Jack Johnson's ever surved before. Did
you hear his description of it and body that kids
shouldn't even be allowed to compete. There's only three competitors.
I'm coming in first period. Interesting, you've heard it here.
First back to you, Joe, thank you so much. Doris
out there on the sidelines, you know it really at

(37:04):
the sidelines of the Hudson of course, I mean, uh
oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Here's a here's
a question. You're an expert surfer, um, and we are
here on the Hudson River. Do we, in fact, in
your years of surfing, have you come across the situation
like this where there are no waves? I gotta be honest,

(37:24):
every single time I've ever done one of these things
that hasn't been an Okay, you're you're shaking, your eyes
are pooling. Oh hold on, I don't feel too good either.
Oh oh goodness, oh oh wow? Oh okay. Yeah. And
then uh Scratchboards was patient zero. He was the one

(37:45):
who started the pandemic. Wow, Grandpa, I want to hear
any more story and even see a single thing when
you said that? So poor? It's it's an incredible sorry,
but but the story of the competition itself is even more.

(38:10):
Moving on right along to our third scene, the suggestion
comes to us from listener Garrett. Hey, alchemists, love you guys.
Here's my scene suggestion, unnecessary cash shows. Thanks Garrett. What
seems to be wrong with your dinner? That's very funny.

(38:33):
Where do I start? First of all, the plating, the
plating was subpar um. Second, of all, the quality of
the chicken, I'd say not terrific. Uh, what else I
want to say? What else do I want to say?
You don't have to go searching for things? Those are

(38:54):
Those are cashews? M they look like chicken claws. I'm
sorry that you don't like the shape of cashews. I'm
not sure what you want an assistant manager to do
in this situation. You are, indeed the assistant manager. I
am for now, I am indeed the assistant manager. I
just want you to make this right. You know what, Um,

(39:17):
I actually use the restroom. So if no, no, no,
no no no no, no no no, you're fine. I
need to use the restroom. So I want you to
know that I can handle myself. This is our second day,
by the way. I want you to know if this continues,
you're in good hands and you've really showcased that. UM,

(39:38):
thank you so much. So your chef just throws in
chicken claws into a chicken sandwiches again, sir, the it's
you ordered cashew chicken. Yeah, those are cashews and that
is chicken. I don't know what else I can I
don't know what a man the restroom is. Actually, it's

(39:58):
just what's you mind? Actually, just um escorting me? I
sure I can. I can show you where it is.
Thank you so much, Okay, help me? Yeah, I know
I can tell. It's so bad. And you want me
to call you an uber, Like, let me just say
that the first quote unquote date was just a long

(40:18):
conversation on the phone. That's not Ah, that is not
a date. Like I did not know that. This is
the way he comports himself in public. And I'm I
just want like you to know, like I'm embarrassed. I
needed to get the out of here. This does not
reflect on you in any way. It's okay, I'm so
sorry that you're dealing with this obvious monster. Let us

(40:39):
call you an uber. Um My purse is still at
the table. Oh, I'll go crawl over dingnong hi. Oh,
this is the this is where it all happens. Okay,
this is the kitchen. And who's the chef or the chef?
I said the quote unquote chef? Can I help you? Yeah?
Are you the quote unquote chef? I'm doing these things

(41:00):
on the side like two bunny at the quotations chef,
I'm the head cook, the chef, you know. Okay, Okay,
I I present to you exhibit A. Uh you see
this plate here? Uh huh? What's wrong with that? Would
you eat this here? Try some here, try some open,
try something? Hey, stop it? And yeah, I eat I

(41:22):
eat cash us all the time. Uh huh? You think
do you have you have a nut allergy? No? I
have a let's see. Yeah, well what is that? What's
the definition of allergy? Um? Do you break out in
hives and have difficulty breathing after eating food? No? So
I don't have a nut allergy. Perhaps I think that

(41:43):
they that these particular nuts are unnecessary sir? Okay, Well,
I mean it is cash you chicken, So I'm looking
for the essence of cash you. I don't need to
chew on chicken cloths. Is this the menu you ordered from? Yeah? Um,
so your your date is paying, I guess because there's

(42:06):
no prices on this one. Yes, this is our second date.
So it feels like that's the way it should go.
As a matter of fact, now that you're bringing her up,
let me show you. Let me show you an example
of the type of women I get to date. If
you just speak right there to this, sorry in order
order up. By the way, Oh, she seems to be
got it, grabbing her purse. Give me one another great

(42:27):
date for the books. Come on, Janice, I mean, what
is this set up? I think it's the profile that
you've made. I don't have the same problems that you have. Dated.
He brought half the kitchen staff into the restroom and
showed them to show them me pants down. Well it's inappropriate,

(42:54):
but it sounds like he likes you a lot. He
just wants to show you off. Isn't it nice to
feel priced? Janice? I don't mean this as a slight,
but like you and I are just like little could
just be careful what you say because time when you
start saying that something like that or it's usually followed
by a hurtful thing to understand. So I'll be careful.

(43:15):
But also maybe you put up your garden a little bit. Okay,
HiT's up. You and I are like on different I
wouldn't even say that we're playing on different teams, were
like in different sports, you know what I mean? Like
I'm tennis and you're surfing, but like on a wave

(43:35):
that's not even there. So for me, a guy liking me,
that's just like not enough. Where like for you that's
you know, like that's rare. And you've got a lot
of guys, a lot of guys like me, and I
like them. Okay, yeah, yeah, it's just like you cling
to it in a different way. And I give me

(43:58):
a snumber, give me a number, Let me have one
date with them? Part of me? You are you a
server over at chats? Yeah? Yeah, I thought I recognized you. Know,
I thought I knew I recognized you. Yeah. Yeah, this
is your Starbucks? You coming here? Also? Yeah? Yeah, just
waiting on my just waiting on my sufie egg bites. Yeah? Yeah.

(44:20):
Do you swoop? Do you swoop swooping on people's uh dates?
Are significant others here too? Or is that just at
your workplace? Oh? Here we go? This is about the
Yeah this you know what she asked me. Okay, she
asked me to get her out of there. Okay, okay.
And I assume you're now dating and you're have any time? No? Yeah, man,

(44:44):
First of all, I have a boyfriend, doublet with cash
you milk? Oh that's me. I'm just waiting on the
sufie egg bites. Now, um, you have a boyfriend, you
still steal girlfriends? No, I'm not stealing your What are talking?
I'm not stealing. She came to men. I saw the connection.

(45:05):
I felt it. Our connection was based on a mutual
dislike of you. Bro. Those are my egg bites. I
gotta go. Wow, yeah, I want to. Here's what you
should do, man, seriously, stand here in this Starbucks and
think about your choices until they call your name. Well,

(45:31):
I will part of me, sir, excuse me, sir? Are
you waiting? I just got my world rocked. You've ever
been here in the face with the truth? Um why
I guess metaphorically? Well, I guess he didn't hit me.

(45:51):
Just well, I gotta sit down. I gotta sit down. Okay, No,
I'm not, I'm not. You don't remember me, do you?
You came into my kitchen last week and confronted me
about your cash, your chicken. Oh gay ye. This day
just keeps on getting better. That was kind of the

(46:15):
last straw for me. I I quit as a as
head cook. What I quit as head cook? It was
sick of assholes like you. I'm learning a lot about
myself today. Friend, got an order for asshole. I think
that's me. Here you go, man, Oh that that might

(46:39):
that might be me. Oh, who's my name? Is a shoal?
They they sell Okay, I'm projecting. I guess I'm just projecting. Sorry, sorry, sorry,
Here you go. I'm a shoal. I'm a shoal. This
one's you, yes, no, the other guy, this one's you. Yeah.

(47:00):
It all likes coffee. That's you. Yeah, that's that's okay.
Here you go, asshole. Um yeah, so um, I really
like like arts and crafts like that's a really big Hi.
I found you. Sorry to interrupt. Hi, I'm on a
date right now. Excuse me. Hi. Yeah, I don't know you.

(47:21):
Your name sir Jerry, Hi, Jerry. Listen. I okay, I've
been thinking about you, and I know you don't want
to see me anymore. Sorry, not you, Jerry. You. Um,
I just I had a big things have changed, my god.
Please stop I had I had stop thinking about you.
Please please. I am so sorry. I am not a
home wrecker. I will no no, no, no, no, no state.

(47:44):
I don't want to wreck this. Goodbye, Thank you, thank you? Hi?
Are you for real? I'm better than for real? What's
what's better than reality? I'm a dream. I'm a dream.
You're a nightmare. That's not true. That's not true. I
learned a lot about myself. Watch watch, I'll order something.
Excuse me, excuse me? You guys need another? Oh? No, hi, hi,

(48:10):
watch this, just watch this. You don't remember me? Do
you? You You don't remember me? God? Remember I got a
job waiting tables here because I peeped at me in
the in the restroom with you. Do you feel this?

(48:31):
Something's changed? Right? You're I just I'm like not, I'm
just like not interested. I just I had to put
myself worth. But I like you. Isn't that enough? No?
Not for me, not for me? Sy I think you
should leave the lady alone. Wow, I like that. I

(48:53):
like that a lot. Thank you? Shal was it? Yeah?
I'm a shal He's asked. I'm an asshole? Ain't that
the truth? Sorry? I ruined your night? Sorry I ruined everything?
Oh my god, Somatic, I'm not gonna take I ruined

(49:18):
your meal. I'm I'm I'm broken here, I'm right here
before you. Broken. I'm I'm I'm a pooling eyeball of nothing. Huh.
Stupid me. Stupid me for thinking I gonna have a
chance with someone like you. Stupid me for thinking I
could grow with someone like you stupid. I'm so sorry.

(49:38):
I'm s sorry. I was kind of hovering because I
had called the Uber and start here. Yet it doesn't
seem like it's working out. Do you mind if we
continue continue our date? Please? Okay? Al right? It just
cost five bucks? Oh my gosh. Wow. So anyways, Um, yeah,
I liked arts and crafts. You were talking about yourself.

(49:59):
That was like, that's just what I have to do
on my free time mostly, babe. But that you were
driving tonight, that you were ubering driving uber tonight. Oh no,
did someone cancel on you again? Yeah? I got canceled on. Hey,
don't personally, I don't want to talk about it, baby,
don't don't want to talk about it. I do take
it personally. I think that they see my picture and

(50:20):
then they go, I'm not good in a that guy's car?
Are you kidding me? I mean, look look at look
at this face. It's not would you get it? Don't
just be nice. Look I'm the type of guy who look,
I fell in love with you because you liked me,
and I thought that was the maximum that I could
get because look at this face. I think you were
right on with that. Wait what I think you made

(50:44):
the right decision. You think I was. Hold on, you
think I was. I'm supposed to say terrible things about
myself and you're not supposed to agree with me. This
is you know what I get. I'm getting out of here.
I'm just gonna help you. I don't want to call
a new but I'm gonna cover for a minute. Way
to get I'm gonna order take out? All right, Well,

(51:06):
just do it on my app already, have Uber open,
Just do Uber eats. Get me un I'm calling. I'm
calling calling chow Chow. Hi is this chow Chow? Yeah?
This is a shoal Hi. I like to be back.
Place an order? Please? I recognize your voice. Tell me,

(51:30):
tell me you're not the same guy. Oh I'm a woman. Okay, great?
Yeah great, yeah yeah yeah yeah. Can I get some
cash you chicken? Please? That's weird. I'm so disoriented because
I I just got bit scratch boards. The surfing commentator.
He came to the restaurant. He bit me, sorry, let

(51:53):
me take the phone. Let me take that. Hi, this
is chow Chow. Can I get your order? No? I
think should help us you. Uh, don't worry. We're gonna
fire him. Again, just but we'll take your order. What
would you? Oh my gosh, what what a time? What

(52:24):
a time? I know it's a good scene. When my
nose starts running, my ice start watering, that's that's the mark.
Your pupil start pooling, they start pulling. That was beautiful, James, Bobble,
I say, poetry pulling pupils, Purple pulling pupils. James, what's
going on with you? Man? Where can people find you?
What are you up to these days? Besides lapping on
a major motion picture? Well, um, let's see. I guess, uh,

(52:49):
the usual game front. It's too short of notice. But
this weekend I'll be playing as Ron Burgundy in the
rock and Roll Marathon in San Diego. Um, I'm their
go to guy to play anchorman in the rock and
roll marathons. Uh, so I just do a little announcing
in the racetrack. So I guess next San Diego rock

(53:12):
and Roll Marathon. Check it out. That is why the
whole thing and everything. They bought me a suit that
the only weird thing is and I personally don't like it.
They want me to wear a wig, so I can't
just have my hair. I have to wear a wig
to do it it is, I can talk about it
for a while, but yeah, I know. But they had

(53:35):
the pictures of both and they chose the wig. Okay,
Craig Akoski, what's going on? Man? What's what's up? What's new? What? What? What?
What are you? What are you doing? Boy? Man? Not
too much? UM should be uh guy co commercial coming
out may or maybe not. Maybe they'll just sit on

(53:57):
it for a while. Um. But yeah, I wish I
had more concrete. Um, but that's not how I heard.
I heard from a friend that you're actually really great
in um sex Lines of College Girls. Well that's very kind,

(54:21):
so I'll plug that on your behalf. Many people have
said the Kimberly's dad is the breakout star of season
one of of sex Lines of College Girls. But it's
a terrific show, even though my part is relatively small.
But it really is a great entertaining show. Proud to

(54:42):
have been a part of it. Okay, Jackie, Oh my gosh,
hello that I'm at Jackie to Ruthie on Instagram and
listen is my account? I teased it perhaps becoming a

(55:02):
dance account. Unfortunately, the Heat did not make it to
the finals, so it is not a dance account. Um,
but I do have something in the cooker. Some fun
bits couldn't be coming out, um, so I think it's
I think it's wise to follow now so that you're

(55:23):
prepared and you're ready for the for the fun. Well,
i'd say start following now so the algorithm knows that
you like like Jackie, thererothy content, so it's featured on
your page and stuff right right right, right, right right good.
I'm excited. It's an old bit many years old, two

(55:44):
years old, um, that I mixed that I'm expanding upon.
Once upon a time I did a bit as an
entire dance squad, and I will be giving each dancer
it's their moment. I remember the bit each day. It's
just gonna have their time to shine, um, two years later.
So I'm excited. So I'm excited. That's all I can say.

(56:07):
It's she's playing an entire dance squad everybody, and we'll
leave it there. That's that's I think. It takes up
multiple people to be a squad. I believe more than Craig,
more than two got to be a squad, right, you
gotta have it? What three? Four? What makes it? I
think you need four first Squad four, first que four,
first quad. Okay, all right, all right, Mark, what's up dude?

(56:30):
That still makes it? I cringe laugh at that every time.
I love it, hate it, love it so much. Bad
it's bad. What are you up to? What can we
see you with? What's popping? Uh? We got an air date.
Blood and Treasure Season two comes out July, so look
for that. We're very excited to finally have that coming

(56:52):
out to see the world. Um. Also we got this
with Mark and Howe on the Maximum Fun Network. New
shows dropping weekly. Uh and um some podcast guest appearances
coming up that are going to be fun and exciting. Okay,
and uh yeah, and um doing Shakespeare in Pasadena. If
you're in Pasadena on the second, uh second Thursday of

(57:16):
the month, what you will at a Lineage Performing Arts Center.
And I'm at Mark gags on all this stuff. I
want to see that, Okay at and you know what,
you know what when we're talking about stuff, I got
a little I got a little role. I got a
little role in Hacks and Hacks and like it's small.
I just talked to one of the one of the

(57:36):
creators the other day at a party. She was like, hey,
mentioned me to mentioned my little my little thing, that
it went well. Ell, so that's nice, that's nice. I
don't know if acting is for me to be honest,
but in the meantime we got that going on. Thank
you everybody for playing, thanks for being my friend. And
let's thank our engineer and produced to the stars Mr

(57:58):
Doug Bany and mine folks, and I heart media. I
am your host Chris Ovardo, and I thank you for
listening and until next time,