January 23, 2020 • 56 mins
Professional Photographer’s Worst Nightmare; Forest Spirit Demands Boon; Welcome To Camowski Park
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. There's on your host, Catholic?
Is that Kevin pol Was that timing up at last? No? Actually,
I think my favorite episode of the Twilight Zone is
called nick of Time with William Shatterer. But I digress.
Let's mean our Optimus? Shall we no particular orders? Say
hello to returning guests Alchemist, Caroline Cotter, Carol to the marrow.
(00:26):
What was it again that sneaks in through your sink faucet?
A big chunky snake? Yeah right, big fat one? Have
you named it? Ralph? Sure? Look the other way. It's
Craig Kawsby. What does purple mean to you these days? Well,
(00:46):
it reminds me of the late Prince. Sure, Uh, doggning Prince.
He was a chocolate lab and uh he was actually
really tolled. You can play any instrument? Did someone say,
James Ceney Jiminy jamboree? What is your favorite number? And why?
Number two? I was born on December two. It's the
(01:08):
lucky number. What is that? Did I? Did I cut
you off? Done? Number two? Yeah? Does that have any
other two? Done? Number two? What are you gonna do? James?
You're gonna do? One. Are you gonna Oh no, it's
not related to shifting. No, it's it's my lucky number.
There's a lot of reasons why, probably mostly because it's
born in the second of December. Oh hell yes, it's
(01:33):
Chris Alvarado Criss Cross Apple Sauce. Do you think threes company? Yeah, yeah,
someone's not being left out. Yeah, I enjoy that. I
enjoy that. Okay, I enjoy that. And last, but made
the turkey carve you? If you think it leaves, it's
Joey Greer, Joe Gina Jenkins. If the shoe fits, smell it.
(01:55):
That's correct. All right, let's get to the damn show.
As always, would like to invite you to become a
v I P member of our Patreon page bonus episodes.
We just recorded another one last weekend at the live
show at the Westside Common Theater in Santa Monica. Cal
love foring you. These things are not available to non members.
As a phone number for v I page, you call up,
you leave a message, could be a question for Joey,
(02:15):
what's the deal? Why do you do it? A request
what evs will reply? And also you get a video
of our cast hangouts at my place and you can
you know, propose questions and all your scene suggestions get priority,
as we'll read a couple today, So please go to
join the super fans. Go to patreon dot com slash
alchemy this. That's patreon dot com alchemy slash alchemy this.
(02:41):
Almost all of our scene suggestions today are in fact
gathered from our listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast. I go through the emails,
by the way, and I love you all very much
for writing them. If for some reason your scene suggestion
doesn't get in, that doesn't mean it's not on the queue.
It is, or your suggestions sucked and it will never
get That happens of the best of us. I suck
(03:01):
on occasion most of the time. So writers, if you
want your scene in the show, your name here talking
to this dot com. That's your name here at our
first scene in fact come from a Patreon v I
p name Mark Dwyer returning champion Mark Dwyer who wrote
this is for Kevin James request, so he doesn't see suggestion.
(03:23):
I appreciate it. It It helps a lot. Yeah, that we
message you back and forth with people on Patreon and
Apparently you guys had an exchange where you said, please
say this is for Kevin's Yeah. Well, I had mentioned
it in a podcast because sometimes I'll start reading and
by the time I find out it's a suggestion that
I'm like, oh, well, now I'm gonna have to forget
about it, which, luckily for me, not a problems. Yeah,
sometimes I can forget stuff. You do so many drugs. Well,
let's not say that publicly. Yeah, what image? Well, I
(03:51):
mean I've always tried to put this image of completely square.
It's not coming to uh. He writes, Hello, all, I
want to start off by start off by saying, I'm
so glad you created a Patreon. I love all the
benefits of being an alcomaniac. That's what he is. He's
an alco maniac. That's the top tier. I suggest everyone
listening who is a true fan to become a v
(04:12):
I P. I suggested the Live Police scene, and I
absolutely loved it. I now I now used the not
knowing what mute is as an inside joke, so in
the scene we Yeah, I have another scene suggestion. One
aspect of comedy I enjoy is when there is some
sort of misunderstanding. Oh, you enjoyed that the three company.
(04:33):
I worked for a pography photography company. Uh oh, this
is good doing photoshop and we take pictures that includes
pictures of Little League players out the major school students
for their yearbook. I've always wondered what would happen if
my computer broke and I had to take it to
repair place. What would the repair person think if they
saw all the files of the children on my computer?
I know what the poor best has to worry about this.
(04:57):
Uh maybe you can all help out with by playing
that up. Always your biggest fan. Marked Wire from Elliott City, Maryland. PS.
I can't wait to call in at the next hangout,
Mark Dar okay, thank you for that. Uh next customer,
please here, if you could just this is my laptop.
(05:19):
Uh well, I'm moving in with my girlfriend and i'd
really like just a really nice clean start with my laptop.
Appreciate that very much. Less information, It's probably better for
us while you're here. Like everything we say to each
other's Yeah, I know I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist.
Thank god, no confidentiality, No confidentiality. Let me take this
(05:40):
laptop and what's the problem. I can fix the problem.
It's just my browser history. It's just everyone's got a
browser history, sir. None of them are clean, none of them.
Oh well, I kind of just wanted. We're not really
impressed that you've got shipped on your computer. Oh that's good.
Well then I guess I don't need confidentiality. So here's
a real problem. Is this is just every time I
(06:02):
turn on my computer, a hundred screens of pornography pop up,
and I just needed to stop. Oh you'd like all
the previous searchers did not. Well, whatever it is that's
making pornography show up when I boot my computer up,
it's just embarrassing. Like now, when you say Buddhist, I
like a euphemism. It's when I get that boody called
with my laptop. But so when I'm home alone, it
(06:25):
doesn't matter. Sometimes I enjoy the pop up. Uh well,
I I honestly haven't been watching home alone and used
my laptop at the same time. I like to focus
on a movie, have silence, put the you know, closed
captions on so I know what's happening. But I don't
know what that has to do with. Sorry, when you're
watching a movie, you put close captions on so you
(06:45):
know what's happening? Well, sometimes words will go over my
head if I can read it at the same time
I'm hearing it, So you create your own uh, my
own You're on non screen model on No, no, no,
I'm hearing what they say. But sometimes people mumble, and
if I have the closed captions on, I can understand
whatever I don't hear, I can read it whatever I read.
(07:07):
Was the last movie you had this issue with? I? Ever,
I don't have the issue because I always have closed
captions on laptop. Fix, sir. I think I might benefit
from what you're doing at home. All right, this is
kind of great. Well, it's the problem is is the
louder the volume is on my television screen, the more
people can hear it around me. So if I want
to keep a decent volume, then I have to have
(07:28):
the words appear in the Sorry, do you fix the
crack screens? Sorry? This is the genius barstor you have
to have an appointment. I just asked, do you do
fix crack screens? All my question? You mean the store itself?
Can we fix a crack screen? I'm very sorry, By
the way, so I don't normally allow wait interruptions. I
have an appointment. You have an appointment, and you, sir,
do not. Yeah. I just every all the red shirt
(07:49):
people taking like a survey in town to see who
takes care of crack screens. What are you talking about? No,
I'm not taking a survey. I came up here because
I bought the guy damn phone from you people. I
wanted to see if you fix the screen. Sir. I
didn't create your problem. Whatever it is you got, you
gotta correct screen man. Yeah, I do. Come around the corner.
I hope you all right? Excuse me? Yeah, really, sorry
about that, sir. It's all right again. We'll get getting
(08:13):
back to your creating your own Uh. You're like if
you watch a film that's in Cantonese and then they
have the subtitles, it seems like you're creating your own subtitle.
I'm not creating what they're speaking. So okay, just follow
me around this way, all right? Oh, this is really
Dirk back here. It's just part of the Apple store,
(08:35):
or is this No, No, we'll give you that impression.
We were just in an Apple Store's we were just
an app store. Yeah yeah, oh hey Bobby, we got
a customer. Yeah, hello, hey, hey, Welcome to the van,
and welcome to the van. Van. You're in a van man, Okay,
oh ship, it's moving, okay, so we're actually moving. We
got the middle seat. Okay, all right, let this last
(08:56):
space are like a seatbelt I could use or something? No, no, no, no,
no no. Work. By the way, Bobby, go work. You
said you can fix my screen? Is that right? Yeah,
he's got a crack screen. Yeah, no problems easy. What
kind of phone is it? It's an iPhone six six
six six? Hey guys, am, I taking a left on
(09:18):
main street for my phone doesn't have any service? Uh? Yeah, yeah,
I feel it. I mean, if I can throw in
my hat in the ring here to stop the cart,
take a left. Don't throw anything, man, Stevie. Just I
want to remind you. I want to remind you use
that internal compass. What the internal You know? I got
(09:41):
dropped on my head when I was fifteen, So my
internal compasses all us. Do you want me to use
a wacky compass? Yeah? Alright, My north is always changing.
Your hair looks great today. By the way, Stevie, were
you a dancer? Is how you got dropped in your head? Yes?
So we're trained up to iPhone five, But imagine the
six is not two different, it's I guess look I
(10:04):
I bought the phone from Apple. I just I just
want my sisters happening. Bobby, this is happening, Mamber. We
got our palms right the other day to take risks,
take risks I had in bed to any fortune, regardless
of that funny. All right, all right, here's what I'm thinking.
We will attempt to fix this crack screen of yours.
(10:26):
I'm thinking a hundred dollars for every number of the iPhone,
So six hundred bucks, six for bucks for a crack screen?
Are you serious? Are you serious? Dead serious? I'm not
dead serious. I pay six for the phone. I'm not
gonna pay six for the screen. This is crazy. Look,
you guys have loose glass everywhere around here. Okay, that
guy Stevie who's driving, I can see his ankles. But
(10:47):
so these subtitles are just for people that are hard
at hearing. They come up if you just put them on.
I just need this laptop fix what's happening. I'm going
crazy here. Sorry, I'm happy top. I just need to
sweat like I can't calm down, like I had an
appointment I'm supposed to go back to when we get
rid of some of these pop ups on here. Thank you,
thank you. I'm sorry. So this first one, uh wow,
(11:10):
look at that big tits? So could you delete that one? Sorry,
I don't look at cow. It's the same way that you.
You don't those utters are dragging on the ground, huge tits.
It's none of my it's the sound is really So
this is where you what kind of subtitle would there
(11:31):
be here? Move m oo at the bottom note, get
this thing off of here. Yeah, so you're looking at
these watches anyone? Look? Yeah, I've never made such a
big purchase, you know. And I sell these watches too,
so you don't even got to get them here. What
do you mean I sell these watches too. You don't
even get to get them here. What you're wearing the
red shirt? I think? What's come with you? Okay? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Wow?
(11:52):
Is this part of the Apple store? Yeah, it's part
of it. I mean they they own a lot of
the block. But just come back, good god, come on,
climb down this letter, zipp okay? Call all right? Wow?
What the fund is? This? Are we underneath the building?
We are this is the old mining well, so, yeah,
I'm assuming this is where you keep the stock. I
(12:14):
found coal. We got some active miners here. How do
you do sir? This is thank you. It's buddy Weenie
over here. What's my Name's Weenie named after my penis? Yeah,
Penis gate first, very cool. So about those watches, yeah yeah,
I gets watched right here. Well Casio bassio Bassio looks nice. Yeah,
(12:37):
I was thinking about an Apple watch. But you know that.
Let's check this out. You can put your phone. It
took it underneath the watch. Whoa wow? What do you
think about that? I don't know if I like that,
but I like you, And they say, like, part of
being a good salesman is not selling the product yourself.
You're great like the canaries dead. I don't know if
(12:59):
that doesn't bote. So well, we gotta get out of you. Okay,
we got, we got there's the don't finish the sale,
all right, just getting tired of alright, So I bartered skin.
So what do you want? Okay? What you barter in skin? Skin?
You gotta give it. Okay, I'm gonna be honest. Like
I mentioned upstairs, this is a big purchase for me.
So I don't really have a lot of cash. I
(13:20):
was thinking of financing. You want to find at your
skin finance the watch. Let's do that. It'll give me
some skin right now, that'll grow back and then i'll
get some bus to get where? Where do you take
the skin off of your butt? Yeah? Okay, oh god,
I can't. There's the bears going, there's going. Oh ship,
it's cold in my wife wearing in there wing? You're
(13:42):
gonna give this cold to your wife? Alright, you're gonna
do you give the coll to my wife? I hate
that one. You're gonna give that? If I live, I
don't want to see her. I don't want to give
her the damn call. Do you gotta give her that? Hey,
come out makes the sale. I'll give you some ship.
How do we do this? How do we pick up
one of the rout Bassio's a better value? That's what
(14:05):
I thought. Okay, I'm only listen. I don't have cash,
so this seems like logical. So I get to pick
the movie tonight? Yeah, sure, what would you like to see?
I'd like to see something without any goddamn subtitles. Okay,
unless the movie any subtitles. Subtitles you understand no clothes caption, Yeah,
(14:27):
no closed caption. Yeah, but what if we can't understand
what they're saying and we're lost in the story. Well,
let's watch a silent film. Let's see here what silent
films are out recently? Out recently? Is there any silent
films out recently? You think there's like a sub scene
of silent movies being made on the art scene or something.
What it's wrong with you, Clark? I guess what it
(14:49):
is is that maybe I just like to have some
context to the movie that I'm watching. Sometimes you'll hear
things that you're not even supposed to understand, Like it'll
be background voices, and you'll get to have subtitles and
you'll know what somebody in another room was saying. The
film offers all the context do you need? Fine, what
fucking movie do you want to watch without subtitles? So?
(15:14):
I don't know what is that? What? What was that?
Let me just close this last? Oh my god, you're
watching that fucking it again, aren't you know? What? What
the hell was that? It just popped up? It's a
pop up video video. It's not the v H one
show because there's no music about this. Okay, God damn it,
you and those fucking dairy boys. That's sick. Do you
(15:34):
understand that not sick people are pervert? It's normal, it's natural. No,
it's not natural. I mean it's not natural. Al right,
welcome to the dairy boys. A couple of things, my suck,
my suck, my honor, all right, A couple of things here,
(15:58):
A couple of things in the agenda. Oh like, Paul here,
drink an entire gallon of milk this week? Baby, sick fun.
It just took the week, that's it. Yeah, slowly over
the week. Do you puke get any of it out? No?
I just drank a really small amount. Oh nuts, that's awesome.
Hell yeah. Okay, another big thing on the agenda, And
this is a big one, guys. We really need to
(16:20):
start pushing. So the dairy industry as a whole is going.
What's on the agenda? I think he's saying it, dick wad,
Thanks man, you're welcome. I love you. Okay, now was
that you? Guys? You guys dating? No, we love you.
I love you. I love you, all right, I love you,
I love you. I love you, Yeah, I love you. Okay.
What's that? Man? Then? Was that dude, did you drank
(16:43):
a gown of milk? You think you're better than us? Dude, coming, guys,
this is what this is what Big Almond wants. They
want us to fight. Okay, we came here as we
are the Dairy Boys and we have a mission. Wow
Wow Wow, Oh brothers. Sister Seene too comes from Dan
(17:13):
who wrote High Alchemists Love the Show. I am currently
backpacking through Southeast Asia, and your delight Philantics have entertained
me through many otherwise boring rides on the plane, trains,
and automobiles. My favorite bit is when Kevin calls someone
into his office for addressing down. It gets me every
time I've seen suggestion is this. A group of friends
(17:34):
are hiking through the woods when they encounter the spirit
of the forest who requests a boon from them. Thanks
for all the wonderful laughs. Stan from Seattle first of all,
as ever, we know what this boone is. Well wish
there we have it. Yeah, I didn't realize that. I'm
(17:55):
glad that we cleared it up. I thought's farm. Thank
you for clearing that up. Swing baby who has the map?
By the way, we don't need a map. Let's enjoy
the forest in your front podet. Let's just let's just
dance through the green a ree, see all the tree,
(18:18):
see the sunset, Oh my god, to drink all it's wine,
and see all the rocks, and see what's one's mind?
Can own a rock? It's all natures? Come on? Is
this so much fun? Road? Nature? It's fun. It's fun.
(18:39):
But if you don't take it seriously, we could find
ourselves in trouble. Whoa, what does that mean? What do
you mean? What do I mean? It's just a fun
It is a fun hike. It's not as fun as
like making up a stupid song. But it's just say,
we didn't realize that there was a bee hive. D
some leaves, We kick it. Somebody gets stung, their allergic
We got to go to the hospital. Is anyone here
allergy to bees? I am? I'm allergic to be an
(19:02):
allergic to bugs. Every time we bring you somewhere, you know,
you just allergic to everything we try to find, Like
that's happen, you know, all the bad. You know. I
just feel like when there's somebody that's singing, like we're
living in a musical, that somebody has to be the
counterpart the d I mean he does not take it
seriou all right? Can we just find a medium, then,
(19:24):
a happy medium, a media. Yeah, I'm I'm good to have.
This is our this is our thirtieth birthday trip. All
of us we have the same birthday, so I think
we're all gonna have fun. Okay, I'm okay, I'm in,
I'm okay. Hold okay, let put some tarot cards. I
don't want any of that spiritual style. Come on, listen.
(19:44):
Last time you did it at your apartment, it got freaky.
I guess what. We're out in the forest now. The
spears of the forest can talk to us. Please put
those tarot cards away. Oh they're harmless, all right, Okay,
let's ask a question. Okay, I want to ask a question.
Don't ask you questions. He I like this question. Are
we going to find a beehive under a pile of
(20:04):
leaves in the forest? You're just throwing them on the ground,
of course, okay, and I can't flip them over here. Ship. Okay.
We got the King of Cups, the Dancing Bear, the
Turquoise Hamlet, and Chevrolet Caprice Turquoise Hamlet. I don't think
you pronounced that. I think it's just capri and okay,
(20:27):
so this means here that okay, the cups and the turqoise.
So we're going to find where cups are filled with joy.
And but the caprice says to us that we're not
making it up. It's how you discern forests. Oh my god,
I am the spirit of the forest. Oh my, I'm
(20:49):
the spirit of the happy birthday by the way, Youthay,
let me grant you a boon. Oh my god, hold on,
hold on. How do we know he's that's just a
crazy guy. Well, he just look at he's made of twigs. Yeah,
but maybe he's wearing a suit. I'm going to touch him.
(21:10):
Oh he's sticklish. Please don't don't touch me. Prove that
you're the spirit of the forest. Well, I'm made of twigs. Yeah, okay,
of the forest itself. And squirrels are running in and
out of his body. Yeah yeah, but you're kind of
like the spirit of the forest to thank you. Yeah,
thank you should have the cards. Yeah, thanks. But I
(21:31):
looked like I'm made of the forest. Guess. So yeah,
air is moss. Yeah, but Jonathan wears weird hoodies. Yeah
I do. I mean that's you know, the custom. I
make it myself completely. Do you think it's more likely
that John, I wish for an arrow that never misses?
Is that the boon you want? That's my boon? Okay,
(21:51):
you don't eat, you get a boon you collectively get
that misses showed? How do we wish for a swimm pool?
Swimming pool? Wait? Why don't we a swimming pool? No? No,
do not do a swimming pool because it's gonna be
here and we're not going to hike five miles up.
(22:12):
We wish that we could all sing together. Wait, hold on, stop,
no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, one more
time to sing. I don't like this boon? Can we can?
Can I do a TakeBack? There's no TakeBack boons? I
(22:32):
grant you one boon? Are you happy, Jonathan? I'm happy.
I'm happy. I don't want to I don't want to sing. Guys, see,
I told you something awful was going to happen. We
know I'm really sick. Oh yeah, and every time you
sing it makes you even more sick. You're right, throat polyps?
What do you have? Throat polyps? Yeah? I sung in college,
(22:57):
but incorrectly, and duncan we're going to find an herb here.
That's gonna cure you. I guarantee you. I promise you
that we're going to find it. We could have wished
for that, but now we get to sing together. We
could have, but the chances of that happening are almost impossible. Okay,
of what happened, I wish to cure him, wish to Okay, look,
I normally never do this, but I am going to
(23:17):
take back that. Thank you, Oh my god. Thank a
little more thoughts into the boon? Why is it that
we could we wish that we could all together? I
wish that we could. I wish together. Little boon shall
be granted. I'm not good enough shape for this. Tired guys,
(23:40):
feel the force movement? Wow, this feels good. This is good.
This is making me horny. I'm not like I'm getting horny. Yeah,
this is actually but in a totally platonic way. Yeah yeah,
Spirit of the force. Please can we remove this boon
as well? Okay I already said I never take back
but okay, yes I sent a precedent, and yes I
(24:06):
don't have to dance together an maybe maybe you have
a boon request? Oh, can we grant you a wish.
We'll wish your wish for you. That's a great idea.
Maybe we can make a wish for you that you're
gonna you don't have to sing anymore. I just love
the forest. If you're not careful, he's going to start
(24:27):
dancing too. What do you I'm sure you have everything
you want, but what's something you need or you know
what I'm trying to say? Well, I wish that this
forest wasn't disappearing at the rate of a year, but
like something fun that we can play with. Yeah, yeah,
like you know, we did singing and dancing. That was fun.
Like what else? I guess because I am of the forest,
(24:49):
I've never left the forest. I do wonder let's wish
for a city to be built here? Yeah, I'd still
be here. Yes, yeah, you never have to leave. Let's
wish for city to be built right here? No, but
but then then the city right here, I wish we're
a city to be built right here, shall be granted
(25:14):
right away. We gotta kill all these guy damned squirrels.
Oh there's war right away. Wow, spear of the forest.
Please take this boon away. I try't take the boon away.
Shot it twice third times to charm. All right, all right,
the boon shall be ungranted. Oh my god, that was
(25:35):
not as cool as I can. Oh man, I got
shot in the way there. I do have an herb
that will take care of that. Okay, let's see. Oh no,
when when the city was built all of the medicinal
herbs were destroyed. When you've got the river, use your cards?
(25:55):
I got this, yeah, please, okay, what's our question? Um,
there's a bullet hole in my leg? Can we fix
the bullet hole in your lege? Okay? First card right here,
have swords? Okay? The second one is okay, another cup
of swords? What I thought it was one of each card?
(26:16):
I mixed tex okay, magic the gathering it is. It
looks like we have obsidian eyeball and the last one
is Chevy caprice. Okay, I think it's complete. Okay, Okay, great,
So this says here that our swords are filled with
with wine. So that means that we're gonna be able
to cauterize the wound in bed and the hell, yeah
(26:40):
that's pretty good. Fear that. Hey, can we have just
a quick, a quick human meet up to give us
one to walk so far? I can hear anything. Well,
hey guys, okay, that's what I'm talking about. If we
sing into the wound. No, what if we shattered that
fucking stickman and make a splint for her leg? I
(27:02):
mean we could, there's like other twigs. Can you could
shatter this? Yeah? But his like leg twigs are so
THI yeah, okay, I got I got okay, here I
got this. Excuse me a spirit? Of course you want
to shatter my leg? You know you're a fucking idiot
if you think that. Can I can? I have one
(27:23):
of your squirrels that's running around your tummy, one of
my squirrel of your tummy squirrels. This tummy squirrel keeps
my digestion going. If I could just very complex, if
I could just put in my hand for a second,
that'd be great. Be sure you want to touch my
put in my hands. Okay, thank you so much. There
you go. Okay, put the head off here? If the
(27:45):
guts right in your room? That was that's where you
came up with that. I thought we were shatter That
squirrel is the king of squirrels. Okay, squirrel they're dying everywhere.
Oh ship, Oh my god, what's going on what's happening.
They're all forming to one giant squirrel went to Okay,
(28:10):
look there's another group of hikers appearing at the other
end of the floor. I have to greet them seven
made sorry, we've already done three boons and taking them back.
I think you've abused the privilege way too much at
this boy. Okay, okay, okay, but I just keep these
squirrel guts in my leg. I don't look at me.
I don't think so. I think the answer would be nice.
(28:32):
This is what I was talking about the beginning of
the hike. I was to be just one example of
the many things that could go wrong. And of course
I know, listen, we've got to stick to the route, okay,
because we're gonna hit the waterfall by sunset, and that
makes us enough time to get it back to the car.
It makes it enough time up the words. All right,
I'm sorry, okay, but you know what I'm saying. All right, yeah, alright,
(28:55):
let's just do this. Let's have a silent walk, all right,
like we used to do, just like we did in
the service. Here we go, and the spirit of the
whoa close that it was a bigfoot boot. Oh no,
(29:20):
there was a family that was living inside of it.
Look at this, there's baby squirrels kids what then say
family and then it's baby squirrel What are you talking about?
Baby squirrels are definitely part of a family. But that's
one of the families. They have to have parents. You
say family, the first thing might correct me if I'm wrong, boys,
But the first place my mind goes as people. Yeah,
(29:44):
first place my mind goes to when you say family,
when you hear your family, Yeah, of course, but not
you bigfoot, this twigs and ship? What my god? This thing?
You wicker man, use the barrel, the barrel of your
gun to move to stick around. It's reform. What is
(30:04):
going on? Let me grant you a boon? What is that?
A boob? A boon? Grand boobs could be a boob.
You can wish for whatever you'd like. I'd wish for
one boob, just to be wait a second. We want
at least four boobs. Yeah, one for each of us,
(30:25):
one of us on the ground, not attached to us.
I don't want to boob on me. At least a
sea cup. Please please let the boon be granted four boobs.
It is oh hell nice, really nice. Good. How do
(30:49):
we take it with us stuck to the ground? Is
this gypsy? What is this? I'm not a gypsy. I
have the spirit for us. Look like a gypsy. I'm
not a gypsy. Prove it. Look anything you wish for.
Of course there's going to be a catch to it,
(31:09):
right there. I don't know what you expected out of
wishing for four solitary boobs, but this is what you've got.
I don't want to use this boob in public. I
want to have this boob for myself in private. And
it's down next to these other three boobs. Well, there's
no take backs on boone's Yes, these are the rules
of the forest. So we just have to leave these
(31:30):
four boobs on the road for everybody else to find. Yes,
perhaps they'll serve as a marker making sacrifice here. And
you didn't have to cut the rice. Let's get another worst,
let's get another wish. So I did visit those other hikers,
(31:53):
and they were way worse than the four of you.
Thank god your back. By the way, her leg is
turning green and stinks. Stinks so bad. You put a
squirrel in my leg. You put a squirrel in my leg.
I'm trying to hell? Why would you think that would help?
I thought it was a magical squirrel that had healing powers.
Why would you think that? Because I think that we
were going to use his stakes to make a split,
(32:14):
and now I have to lose my leg. I'm a dancer.
You're a dancer. What kind of dancing modern? Modern leg?
You also just turned thirty today, And I don't want
to be that guy, but like you're dancing, days are
kind of numbered and we've all kind of seen that.
You guys serious kind of missing a step lately? Are
you guys serious? I mean, you're not feeling as much
as you used But I thought you guys said that
(32:36):
you love coming to my dance shows and that I
did a really good job. We we love coming to
you know you do, but it's it's missing a step.
I never do this. I never do this, But I
just I hope what for you to dance forever? Dance
forever at the still level that you're at now. It's
at the level I'm at now. It sounds like my
level I met now is not as good as my
(32:58):
three years ago. Yeah, yeah, years ago. You want to
dance like you did when you were twenty seven. Yes, yes,
I would love that. Please. Okay, alright, the boon shall
be granted, though I can't have the spirit good so
much to dance on this leg. Okay, people, listen, Okay,
(33:21):
these are auditions for the Marionette swan leg in your
face action to Okay, it's a big thing. Stinks. I
can't dance with the room smelling like listen, everybody who stinks?
Who stinks? I'm sorry, I have a very fever. Um,
it's my leg. It's it's gang nous. Okay, well listen, okay,
(33:42):
let me just say this now. If you have an
opened wound, okay, please close the wound. Okay, people, cloth
or something? Cloth, I I got some. I got a
small dog. I can put that in there. Okay, excuse me,
my leg is Let you go from the top. Everyone,
I'm sorry, are you trying to sign in for the audition?
(34:05):
You're made of sticks? Yes, I am the spirit of
the forest. You're not on my list and all Carol, Yeah,
we have a walk on audition. Ner. Okay, let's see. Okay, okay,
tall lanky, made of wood, animals running around inside. Let's
give him a chance. Let's give him. It is a him.
It is a him. Sure, okay, you know what you're doing?
(34:27):
Five movie movie movie? Oh wow, yes, yes, Now I
see what it's like to be human, to dance, to love,
to sing, time singing such an actor. Well, it's just
a dance, so no singing, and uh, we'll see. Okay,
(34:50):
there's a lot of people got to get through. I
think I think we kind of know where everyone else stands,
except for the person with the stinky lights. And it's
not a stinky like, it's rotten like. Okay, you are
flush white and sweating, all right? And five oh my clean,
when they kill man, they'd be a catch. Wow. Wow.
(35:19):
Our last scene today is from will Alchemy. I have
been writing to you every day since the first podcast,
only to find out that you don't expect you don't
accept handwritten mail. You should have specified that, and the
mailman should have never taken mail addressed to an email. Hilarious.
(35:43):
Always mistakes made and correct. My scene suggestion to you
comes from a dream that I had last night. Yes,
I did wake up and instantly started writing this letter.
And I am not obsessed with the show you are.
I love this person. Suggestion you all go to Craig's house,
unlet to find that inside it's actually a park for
(36:05):
dinosaurs ps. For some reason, in my dream, James didn't
understand what a dinosaur was and kept coming up with
excuses to what they were. I quote from my dream
and the quote begins, this is just a deer with
really sharp teeth. End quote that seems odd. Keep up
the good work. That's from Will. Will Man. I've never
(36:28):
been to Craig's place before. Kitchen at your place right now,
it's Craig. It was certainly a mistake that I didn't
get an invite, right, Yes, No, it's it was just
a type of or something in the email. I think
it was you were overlooked, overlooked. Yeah, we're the right way.
I mean, it just is like this dirt road is
(36:48):
that I think he does in the east Side. It's not,
you know, it's kind of like hip over expecting a
dirt road. I know it was not. It's like nothing
out here. Yeah, I also feel I guess I thought
I had been here before, but now I definitely haven't.
What do you mean you thought that would be weird
if you thought you were Craigs before, and you guys
never think that you're like, Oh, I've been to this
person's house before, but you're just making it. Why would
(37:09):
I be a craigsplace? Yes, because we hooked up before,
so it's all crazy that I would be there. You
hooked up with Craig? Yes, you, guys, I hooked up
with Craig. Are you hooked up with Yes, you hooked
up with Craig. Hooked up with Craig. Are you talking
about the same Craig Craig Kamowski Craig Amouski. Yeah, I
hooked up with him. Are you serious? It was at
(37:30):
the the Facts Party, That's what I hooked up with him. Serious,
that's disgusting. Are you sure as you hooked up with
the Fact Party? Yes, Craigmouski, Yes, my friend craigmuk that's
the show. My ears are burning. Guys, what are you
doing here? Oh? I just figured everybody else from the
(37:52):
crew was invited. It was probably just I got left
off the I was just surprised. You have the biggest
palm trees I have seen in californiaren't they nice? Yeah?
Cleg Mr Clegg is everything? Did I get water or something? Yeah?
Rinco get waters for everyone? Go? Where are you from
(38:19):
you guys want fizzy with fizzy water reflect all around? Okay, great,
fizzy fezy. Why are you pointing, James? Do you want
something to yeah, fishy water? I think is this? Yeah,
you don't get anything. Why are you grabbing my hand?
You don't get anything. It's okay, Rinco, It's it's all right.
You have been marked. It's a nice class. Okay, wow,
(38:46):
thanks for having Yeah, it's pretty nice. As thousands, two
thousand anchors are acres? Why would it be? What's wrong
with you? What do you mean? I'm with him? Anchors
a nautical nautical way to the measure distance. Yes, if
you have two thousand anchors, that's likes. But if if
it was, if it was anchors, I bet like like
(39:09):
your standards. Subways probably like anchors, like the restaurant. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
there you go, Like the actual train would probably like
close to two subway that's a system. Speaking of subway,
I do have sandwiches coming. Yeah, I am hungry. Um,
was there a reason? I just want to get to
the thing in the room with Why you wanted to
(39:31):
switch from my place to yours? Um would have been
to your place a few times? Something wrong? No, no,
I love your place. I love your place a little small,
you know, but we certainly don't have two thousand anchors
for sure. It can't be two thousand acres. And I
don't feel like that. We haven't all gotten together since
the Facts party. So yeah, that was a fun that
(39:56):
can I can I use your restroom? Which one? Who? Why?
Why do you care to use? Oh? You guys are
wondering if maybe I want to use one of your
right ship that's crazy. If you want to go to
one of our houses or so far? No, sorry, you
can go behind that gigantic fern. Or okay, where's her house?
It's your house. I don't see a house. Well, there
(40:19):
are a few. Is it resessed? It's like in the ground. No, no,
I mean there is it in the air. I'm going
to tell you it's not it. Is it in a tree?
I do? I do live in a tree? Two letters
letters starts with A, ends with I don't know what
(40:39):
you're doing, guys. I don't want to make a big deal.
But when I was peeping behind that bush, I saw
a big face. I'm talking a t rex face back there,
girl painting or something? What it is? It was standing
on its two hind legs now wasn't moving, but it
was staring right at my peep. You have drawn am,
(41:03):
there's I'll tell you right now, there's no animatrons here.
What about animo? No amamo? Trons welcome? Hell? Do you
have your come ski park park? This actually makes a
lot of sense. I feel so dumb. We're just standing
(41:23):
here and now I'm seeing all the fucking dinosaurs. Fou
what are you doing? Joey? Stop? That is that what's
conjuring these images for you? Yeah? I just the first
thing that comes to my mind. THI oh good time.
Over there there's a herd of bronto sords. You know.
(41:49):
It's all the terod actyls. And wo how many terod
actyls do you have? Just a dozen right now? But
they breed those bald equals. James, shut the What are
you talking about? The tear nectos? Are those balls are dinosaurs? Dinosaur? No? No,
I get it, I get it. I'm just wondering if
those are pulled eagle dinosaurs? Feezy what that for you?
(42:09):
Thank you? Rinko Franco, Rinko Rinco. Where are you from?
He ran away? Is he a dinosaur? Because he looks like, well,
he is something that I managed to recreate v s
M DNA that we found in amber. You're a scientist,
all right? Can we see the labs? Can we see
(42:30):
the labs? Or how does this work? I think that's
a goat. That's that's right. Stop, it's so cute. Okay, Rinko,
can you get him out of trouble? Can I just say,
I feel like this would be strange if it was
anybody else, but not come out. It's not come out.
I will need all of you to sign a waiver
(42:52):
if that's cool, Just a waiver saying that you've need
a DNA sample as well. No, no, Rico, I'm not
going to take Do you need us to do what
Rinko's asking? An n d A? Is that what we're
talking about? Like if I could get an n d
A and a urine sample from everyone, I think that
would be totally That's what the fizzy waters Greig. Can
(43:17):
I talk to you for a second? Sure? Yeah, beautiful
beautiful property. Um thinking about you ever since the Facts party? Yeah,
I wanted to talk to you about that. Um, so
I wanted to see just you because they stopped, like stop,
had to invite everyone. Stop. I know, stop stop. Fuck.
(43:39):
I know you hooked up with Caroline. Okay, I know
you did that, right, did that too? Oh? Yeah, you
did that too. Jealous? Yeah, I'm jealous. I didn't think
that we put any label on what we had. You
gave me a trust tongue ring. Okay, you said that.
I'm wearing mine too. I saw that. Okay, let's touch him. Look, look,
(43:59):
I need to know what are we? What are we?
I don't know what we are. I want to own
this with you, so you want to own it with me.
I put, I put in the hard work. Caroline. Why
are you looking off into the distance? What's up? Just present?
They ran away and and I don't know what they're
talking about. Are they hooking up again? But probably? I
(44:19):
mean probably? Did you probably? Hold? Do you think it's
like a real connection between you and Craig. He's kind
of a known playboy. I don't. He's spit in my mouth.
That's like his fucking move. What it is? I mean,
I'm not saying maybe he has feelings for you. I
think he does. And he locked me in the facts room.
You're just spitting in my eye right now? Okay, just
(44:41):
stop listen to me. Damn it, I want to own
it around you. That's it. Like I put in the
leg work, you know, to create a two thou acre
dinosaur park like acre. It was a lot of work.
What the fun? It's a baby pterodactyl. Oh beautiful, I
(45:04):
just noticed. I'm sorry, it's pretty important. I think that
your dog has scoliosis, has slipped a bunch of disks
and they're sticking out everywhere. You should get a v
up here. No, that's a velociraptor. Okay, that's a velociraptor
with all the all the slip discs coming out the back. Okay,
maybe not like I'm not an expert. I've been more
(45:24):
of a part guy. I'm gonna go pet your dog,
but you should really get a veterinary and you guys
can go at it again. I don't know. They've been
gone for a really long time, and it's just like,
what are we supposed to do? Well, I'll tell you
what I'm what are they talking about? I'm like kind
of like tortured myself or not, to be honest, it's
so dramatic. What did you talking about? Kevin said, like
nothing to me today? Hey, what do you guys? Did
(45:45):
you notice that? Unlike when we're at my place and
you know, Jamie, when I put a little spread and everything,
I can't find any food. Maybe have you seen Rinko?
You could probably ask him for. Yeah, that's what I'm
trying to avoid. Oh he just creeps me out so cute.
What is it about him? Um? I guess everything about him?
(46:07):
He kind of looks like a wet here are we good?
What are we good? Whole? Right up here? You are
like talking everybody else and like not me. Now we're here,
and I just feel like fun, like are we good?
You want to do this now? No? No, I don't.
Actually I don't. I don't. I don't, I don't, I don't.
Sand we thank you. It's seriously helping you. Nobody wants
(46:42):
to if you want me, go get him? Okay, look, yeah,
I mean I do want you to live in a
tree with me. And I can't give you a portion
of the park, but I give you all my heart,
all my heart. Let me spit in your nose. I'm fine,
I'm fine, dirty Craig, Sorry, I wrote a scaly guy
(47:10):
over here. Um, yeah, that's Tank. He's one of the
Yeah you are you sick, Joey, You're being so rude.
I can I talk to you? You can get here, Joey,
I don't care. And James, I don't know why you're
still here, but I just I wanted to. I just
(47:31):
am worried that your fish got out of the fish
tank because there's a whole bunch of creepy crawleys in
the woods and I think they might see your goldfish.
They're all dinosaurs, whatever they are, I'm going to try
to get them. I'm going to try to gather them
in the woods. I'll be back. God, he's fucking stupid,
having a good time. Rink, I'm not. Yeah, Rinkle got
(47:52):
me a sandwich, was really nice, and then he started
humping Kevin's And here I'm over kind of just in
the corner. Horney has a day is long, and nobody
kind of wants to hook up with me. So I'm
wondering what to deal with that? Is it? Because I
cut my hair and you guys are in this corner.
I noticed the tongue rings. By the way, I don't
have one of those, and I got a piercing for it,
and now it's just a hole in my tongue. Look,
(48:15):
I mean the thing that we had, you know, it
was it was a passing thing. You know, it was nice,
you know, it was really nice. You're feeling something in
the moment, and I'm sorry I didn't know this. You've
got a haircut. It does look nice like it. It's
a little short, but it's a thing that we can
add an extension of this tree and put a little
playpen and they're made for kids or something. Are you
guys moving in together in a tree? Look fucking serious?
(48:41):
I guess I guess there's no good time to say this,
but yeah, Joey and I are a thing. Yeah, and
I think he's gonna move into a tree with me. Yeah,
I'm gonna own s where we're in negotiations. Why would
you give him more? Rinko owns a good portion of
the park as well, So you know what, Fine, I
(49:02):
get it. I'm gonna take my stupid, fucking buzzed head
home because obviously everyone here is kind of coupling off. Um, okay,
you are so condescending, Joey. You know what. You're fired? Alright,
you fired me, I can quit. Well I fired you first? Okay,
Well I quit first. Wait, wait wait, James, James, that's
(49:25):
the t rex enclosure. Would you think it's a dog?
Oh my god? Alright, Rinco, Rinco, to taste that t rex.
He loves this, He lives for these moments. Is it working.
(49:47):
It's a taser so small and the are so big,
A tiny taser. Yeah, I don't know. We don't have
a lot of security measures in plays. I did what
I could. He's gone. James is gone. He was marked. Well,
he was never invited. I'm sorry about my outburst. Earlier
(50:07):
were so good? We are so good? Are we? Are
we keeping track? Uh? Um? As far as who's getting
paid what? Because I feel like Craig is like making
some bucks and I'm like, that's gotta be all Carla
this whole place, Where is Carla exactly? Huh Yeah, I don't,
(50:29):
I don't. I don't really have a grasp on a
the relationship be what how many different tents? Yeah, because
it's kind of like they're off right. Yeah. There, she's
on the straight and narrow. He's always over. Sorry, can
I get the car keys? Can I get the car
keys real quick? Okay? Sure, thank you? If you could
(50:51):
just share, Caroline is gonna ask them much one to
gap him. Right now, Caroline is gonna ask for the
car keys. Just give me the keys, please, okay, I mean,
have you seen Carla? Have you seen Carla? I don't
give a ship, Just give me the keys. Okay, okay,
here have the carkis serious? Seriously, car I gave you
my car keys and he just gave him to Joe.
I thought he lost his jacket or something wanted his jacket.
(51:12):
I lost my jacket, the jacket? What's going on with you?
To what's going on is that Joe? He stole the
love of my life and in steal the love of
your life Joey again because he look, he chose me,
all right, and that's how it is. Sorry, shaved heady. Okay,
that's not my name. You know that my name is
(51:32):
Caroline Carmer, and you know that it is not sha
is not my name. I didn't care about this. I
went to a new barber. I messed up. Okay, stop
mocking me. Stop Rinko is Carla? No? No, no, rinko.
What has he done? Rinko? Oh no, Brenko, rink Where
are you from? How long have you been here? That's
(51:56):
what the Wow, it's so dark in the t Rexus
taught me. I wish I had some sort of here's
my cell phone. Hey, what are you good? You're not Carla?
I was half expecting to see Carla. I didn't seed
anybody in here a while. Its company? Oh my god,
how do we get out of this dog belly? Get out?
What are you crazy? Is it right? I guess it's
(52:18):
not as bad account I do, but I've I've shared
it with a lot of people, so sometimes I can't
watch anything. Do you have a Netflix account? No? I do.
I got a TV, A lot of screen Well, this
time of day we could probably watch it, but after
six o'clock a lot of people are logging into Netflix. Yes,
nobody would feed me out there. I got skewing. Okay,
(52:41):
I'll take a skewer anyway. I hope you guys had
a great time. You see you guys next time. Yeah,
I'm not coming back. Chris. Chris had a question about
Carla everything. Yeah, you know she's around here somewhere. It's
two two tho anchors probably, Okay, it will give her
our best. Did you see James by the way him
(53:04):
get eaten? You guys are hilarious. That's good that's good
all right. Well then, um, he's probably still alive in
the two rex Is digestive system for at least at
least twenty hours. That's good for him, honestly, more than
he deserves. Yeah, I know, I know. Well then I
called shotgun due. Thanks for having us. This was weird. Alright,
(53:25):
hold on your butt, yeah, hold on, hold on to
your butts. Oh man. I want to thank all of
our alchemists for another spectacular outing. Joseph of Greer, what's
going on now? Where should you folks? Look? Check out
Jeffy Grieber on Instagram, Bear supply every second and fourth
(53:45):
Wednesday at nine o'clock, pretty pretty pony, first Thursday of
the month at ten o'clock and alchemy this and how
much fun was sketch Fest? Wasn't that blast? Thanks again
for everyone who came out. I will say this. The
riot that broke out, oh man, I mean spun it.
But it was fun. It was not as bad as
it look. James Heney, sketch Fest was of last. If
(54:07):
you want to find any of my content, go to
the real James Heeney dot com. Everything that I make
just gets plugged into there. Anyways, have a review for
us to read the next outing if you wouldn't mind.
People really love that. I I love it too, but
you know, we need people to write reviews so I
can read them. They should really get on time. Sorry,
(54:27):
one woman, Greig Kamowski Craig Kmowski, oh man, sketch Fest
was nuts. And if you want to see improvised me
improvised with my wife Carla. If she hasn't been genetically
mutated into rinko or fed to a dinosaur, go to
Orange Tucks improv Twitter. Awesome, Caroline Carter, thank you so much.
(54:48):
Thanks for having me. I love hearing all your stories
about sketch Fest. That was crazy. Um you can find
me on Instagram at cotter poop as in the stuff
that comes out of your butt And thanks again. Yeah, Chris,
Caroline's hilarious. I followed hers up on Instagram. It's a
it's a lot of fun. Is it more than poop?
(55:11):
I don't even see any pop, Okay, just just the
way she looks at life, you know, Um, it's really fun.
Obviously those of you who are at sutch first know
I was a bit under the weather, but I didn't
want to say anything. I'm glad you did. I pulled through.
You said like three things in the whole show. I
(55:31):
wanted to do more. I only managed to do a
couple of things that happened. But at least you're out
of the full body cast. That's right, that's right across Vardo.
If you want to follow me anywhere, Yeah, we'll catch
up with you at the West side as well. Uh
right to us your name here at all communist dot com.
We'd love to hear from you. And I want to
thank our guest engineer, Chris. Sure he has the last name.
(55:54):
I'm Kevin Pollock, your host until next time, and spot
and a football and I fall
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. There's on your host, Catholic?
Is that Kevin pol Was that timing up at last? No? Actually,
I think my favorite episode of the Twilight Zone is
called nick of Time with William Shatterer. But I digress.
Let's mean our Optimus? Shall we no particular orders? Say
hello to returning guests Alchemist, Caroline Cotter, Carol to the marrow.
(00:26):
What was it again that sneaks in through your sink faucet?
A big chunky snake? Yeah right, big fat one? Have
you named it? Ralph? Sure? Look the other way. It's
Craig Kawsby. What does purple mean to you these days? Well,
(00:46):
it reminds me of the late Prince. Sure, Uh, doggning Prince.
He was a chocolate lab and uh he was actually
really tolled. You can play any instrument? Did someone say,
James Ceney Jiminy jamboree? What is your favorite number? And why?
Number two? I was born on December two. It's the
(01:08):
lucky number. What is that? Did I? Did I cut
you off? Done? Number two? Yeah? Does that have any
other two? Done? Number two? What are you gonna do? James?
You're gonna do? One. Are you gonna Oh no, it's
not related to shifting. No, it's it's my lucky number.
There's a lot of reasons why, probably mostly because it's
born in the second of December. Oh hell yes, it's
(01:33):
Chris Alvarado Criss Cross Apple Sauce. Do you think threes company? Yeah, yeah,
someone's not being left out. Yeah, I enjoy that. I
enjoy that. Okay, I enjoy that. And last, but made
the turkey carve you? If you think it leaves, it's
Joey Greer, Joe Gina Jenkins. If the shoe fits, smell it.
(01:55):
That's correct. All right, let's get to the damn show.
As always, would like to invite you to become a
v I P member of our Patreon page bonus episodes.
We just recorded another one last weekend at the live
show at the Westside Common Theater in Santa Monica. Cal
love foring you. These things are not available to non members.
As a phone number for v I page, you call up,
you leave a message, could be a question for Joey,
(02:15):
what's the deal? Why do you do it? A request
what evs will reply? And also you get a video
of our cast hangouts at my place and you can
you know, propose questions and all your scene suggestions get priority,
as we'll read a couple today, So please go to
join the super fans. Go to patreon dot com slash
alchemy this. That's patreon dot com alchemy slash alchemy this.
(02:41):
Almost all of our scene suggestions today are in fact
gathered from our listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast. I go through the emails,
by the way, and I love you all very much
for writing them. If for some reason your scene suggestion
doesn't get in, that doesn't mean it's not on the queue.
It is, or your suggestions sucked and it will never
get That happens of the best of us. I suck
(03:01):
on occasion most of the time. So writers, if you
want your scene in the show, your name here talking
to this dot com. That's your name here at our
first scene in fact come from a Patreon v I
p name Mark Dwyer returning champion Mark Dwyer who wrote
this is for Kevin James request, so he doesn't see suggestion.
(03:23):
I appreciate it. It It helps a lot. Yeah, that we
message you back and forth with people on Patreon and
Apparently you guys had an exchange where you said, please
say this is for Kevin's Yeah. Well, I had mentioned
it in a podcast because sometimes I'll start reading and
by the time I find out it's a suggestion that
I'm like, oh, well, now I'm gonna have to forget
about it, which, luckily for me, not a problems. Yeah,
sometimes I can forget stuff. You do so many drugs. Well,
let's not say that publicly. Yeah, what image? Well, I
(03:51):
mean I've always tried to put this image of completely square.
It's not coming to uh. He writes, Hello, all, I
want to start off by start off by saying, I'm
so glad you created a Patreon. I love all the
benefits of being an alcomaniac. That's what he is. He's
an alco maniac. That's the top tier. I suggest everyone
listening who is a true fan to become a v
(04:12):
I P. I suggested the Live Police scene, and I
absolutely loved it. I now I now used the not
knowing what mute is as an inside joke, so in
the scene we Yeah, I have another scene suggestion. One
aspect of comedy I enjoy is when there is some
sort of misunderstanding. Oh, you enjoyed that the three company.
(04:33):
I worked for a pography photography company. Uh oh, this
is good doing photoshop and we take pictures that includes
pictures of Little League players out the major school students
for their yearbook. I've always wondered what would happen if
my computer broke and I had to take it to
repair place. What would the repair person think if they
saw all the files of the children on my computer?
I know what the poor best has to worry about this.
(04:57):
Uh maybe you can all help out with by playing
that up. Always your biggest fan. Marked Wire from Elliott City, Maryland. PS.
I can't wait to call in at the next hangout,
Mark Dar okay, thank you for that. Uh next customer,
please here, if you could just this is my laptop.
(05:19):
Uh well, I'm moving in with my girlfriend and i'd
really like just a really nice clean start with my laptop.
Appreciate that very much. Less information, It's probably better for
us while you're here. Like everything we say to each
other's Yeah, I know I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist.
Thank god, no confidentiality, No confidentiality. Let me take this
(05:40):
laptop and what's the problem. I can fix the problem.
It's just my browser history. It's just everyone's got a
browser history, sir. None of them are clean, none of them.
Oh well, I kind of just wanted. We're not really
impressed that you've got shipped on your computer. Oh that's good.
Well then I guess I don't need confidentiality. So here's
a real problem. Is this is just every time I
(06:02):
turn on my computer, a hundred screens of pornography pop up,
and I just needed to stop. Oh you'd like all
the previous searchers did not. Well, whatever it is that's
making pornography show up when I boot my computer up,
it's just embarrassing. Like now, when you say Buddhist, I
like a euphemism. It's when I get that boody called
with my laptop. But so when I'm home alone, it
(06:25):
doesn't matter. Sometimes I enjoy the pop up. Uh well,
I I honestly haven't been watching home alone and used
my laptop at the same time. I like to focus
on a movie, have silence, put the you know, closed
captions on so I know what's happening. But I don't
know what that has to do with. Sorry, when you're
watching a movie, you put close captions on so you
(06:45):
know what's happening? Well, sometimes words will go over my
head if I can read it at the same time
I'm hearing it, So you create your own uh, my
own You're on non screen model on No, no, no,
I'm hearing what they say. But sometimes people mumble, and
if I have the closed captions on, I can understand
whatever I don't hear, I can read it whatever I read.
(07:07):
Was the last movie you had this issue with? I? Ever,
I don't have the issue because I always have closed
captions on laptop. Fix, sir. I think I might benefit
from what you're doing at home. All right, this is
kind of great. Well, it's the problem is is the
louder the volume is on my television screen, the more
people can hear it around me. So if I want
to keep a decent volume, then I have to have
(07:28):
the words appear in the Sorry, do you fix the
crack screens? Sorry? This is the genius barstor you have
to have an appointment. I just asked, do you do
fix crack screens? All my question? You mean the store itself?
Can we fix a crack screen? I'm very sorry, By
the way, so I don't normally allow wait interruptions. I
have an appointment. You have an appointment, and you, sir,
do not. Yeah. I just every all the red shirt
(07:49):
people taking like a survey in town to see who
takes care of crack screens. What are you talking about? No,
I'm not taking a survey. I came up here because
I bought the guy damn phone from you people. I
wanted to see if you fix the screen. Sir. I
didn't create your problem. Whatever it is you got, you
gotta correct screen man. Yeah, I do. Come around the corner.
I hope you all right? Excuse me? Yeah, really, sorry
about that, sir. It's all right again. We'll get getting
(08:13):
back to your creating your own Uh. You're like if
you watch a film that's in Cantonese and then they
have the subtitles, it seems like you're creating your own subtitle.
I'm not creating what they're speaking. So okay, just follow
me around this way, all right? Oh, this is really
Dirk back here. It's just part of the Apple store,
(08:35):
or is this No, No, we'll give you that impression.
We were just in an Apple Store's we were just
an app store. Yeah yeah, oh hey Bobby, we got
a customer. Yeah, hello, hey, hey, Welcome to the van,
and welcome to the van. Van. You're in a van man, Okay,
oh ship, it's moving, okay, so we're actually moving. We
got the middle seat. Okay, all right, let this last
(08:56):
space are like a seatbelt I could use or something? No, no, no, no,
no no. Work. By the way, Bobby, go work. You
said you can fix my screen? Is that right? Yeah,
he's got a crack screen. Yeah, no problems easy. What
kind of phone is it? It's an iPhone six six
six six? Hey guys, am, I taking a left on
(09:18):
main street for my phone doesn't have any service? Uh? Yeah, yeah,
I feel it. I mean, if I can throw in
my hat in the ring here to stop the cart,
take a left. Don't throw anything, man, Stevie. Just I
want to remind you. I want to remind you use
that internal compass. What the internal You know? I got
(09:41):
dropped on my head when I was fifteen, So my
internal compasses all us. Do you want me to use
a wacky compass? Yeah? Alright, My north is always changing.
Your hair looks great today. By the way, Stevie, were
you a dancer? Is how you got dropped in your head? Yes?
So we're trained up to iPhone five, But imagine the
six is not two different, it's I guess look I
(10:04):
I bought the phone from Apple. I just I just
want my sisters happening. Bobby, this is happening, Mamber. We
got our palms right the other day to take risks,
take risks I had in bed to any fortune, regardless
of that funny. All right, all right, here's what I'm thinking.
We will attempt to fix this crack screen of yours.
(10:26):
I'm thinking a hundred dollars for every number of the iPhone,
So six hundred bucks, six for bucks for a crack screen?
Are you serious? Are you serious? Dead serious? I'm not
dead serious. I pay six for the phone. I'm not
gonna pay six for the screen. This is crazy. Look,
you guys have loose glass everywhere around here. Okay, that
guy Stevie who's driving, I can see his ankles. But
(10:47):
so these subtitles are just for people that are hard
at hearing. They come up if you just put them on.
I just need this laptop fix what's happening. I'm going
crazy here. Sorry, I'm happy top. I just need to
sweat like I can't calm down, like I had an
appointment I'm supposed to go back to when we get
rid of some of these pop ups on here. Thank you,
thank you. I'm sorry. So this first one, uh wow,
(11:10):
look at that big tits? So could you delete that one? Sorry,
I don't look at cow. It's the same way that you.
You don't those utters are dragging on the ground, huge tits.
It's none of my it's the sound is really So
this is where you what kind of subtitle would there
(11:31):
be here? Move m oo at the bottom note, get
this thing off of here. Yeah, so you're looking at
these watches anyone? Look? Yeah, I've never made such a
big purchase, you know. And I sell these watches too,
so you don't even got to get them here. What
do you mean I sell these watches too. You don't
even get to get them here. What you're wearing the
red shirt? I think? What's come with you? Okay? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Wow?
(11:52):
Is this part of the Apple store? Yeah, it's part
of it. I mean they they own a lot of
the block. But just come back, good god, come on,
climb down this letter, zipp okay? Call all right? Wow?
What the fund is? This? Are we underneath the building?
We are this is the old mining well, so, yeah,
I'm assuming this is where you keep the stock. I
(12:14):
found coal. We got some active miners here. How do
you do sir? This is thank you. It's buddy Weenie
over here. What's my Name's Weenie named after my penis? Yeah,
Penis gate first, very cool. So about those watches, yeah yeah,
I gets watched right here. Well Casio bassio Bassio looks nice. Yeah,
(12:37):
I was thinking about an Apple watch. But you know that.
Let's check this out. You can put your phone. It
took it underneath the watch. Whoa wow? What do you
think about that? I don't know if I like that,
but I like you, And they say, like, part of
being a good salesman is not selling the product yourself.
You're great like the canaries dead. I don't know if
(12:59):
that doesn't bote. So well, we gotta get out of you. Okay,
we got, we got there's the don't finish the sale,
all right, just getting tired of alright, So I bartered skin.
So what do you want? Okay? What you barter in skin? Skin?
You gotta give it. Okay, I'm gonna be honest. Like
I mentioned upstairs, this is a big purchase for me.
So I don't really have a lot of cash. I
(13:20):
was thinking of financing. You want to find at your
skin finance the watch. Let's do that. It'll give me
some skin right now, that'll grow back and then i'll
get some bus to get where? Where do you take
the skin off of your butt? Yeah? Okay, oh god,
I can't. There's the bears going, there's going. Oh ship,
it's cold in my wife wearing in there wing? You're
(13:42):
gonna give this cold to your wife? Alright, you're gonna
do you give the coll to my wife? I hate
that one. You're gonna give that? If I live, I
don't want to see her. I don't want to give
her the damn call. Do you gotta give her that? Hey,
come out makes the sale. I'll give you some ship.
How do we do this? How do we pick up
one of the rout Bassio's a better value? That's what
(14:05):
I thought. Okay, I'm only listen. I don't have cash,
so this seems like logical. So I get to pick
the movie tonight? Yeah, sure, what would you like to see?
I'd like to see something without any goddamn subtitles. Okay,
unless the movie any subtitles. Subtitles you understand no clothes caption, Yeah,
(14:27):
no closed caption. Yeah, but what if we can't understand
what they're saying and we're lost in the story. Well,
let's watch a silent film. Let's see here what silent
films are out recently? Out recently? Is there any silent
films out recently? You think there's like a sub scene
of silent movies being made on the art scene or something.
What it's wrong with you, Clark? I guess what it
(14:49):
is is that maybe I just like to have some
context to the movie that I'm watching. Sometimes you'll hear
things that you're not even supposed to understand, Like it'll
be background voices, and you'll get to have subtitles and
you'll know what somebody in another room was saying. The
film offers all the context do you need? Fine, what
fucking movie do you want to watch without subtitles? So?
(15:14):
I don't know what is that? What? What was that?
Let me just close this last? Oh my god, you're
watching that fucking it again, aren't you know? What? What
the hell was that? It just popped up? It's a
pop up video video. It's not the v H one
show because there's no music about this. Okay, God damn it,
you and those fucking dairy boys. That's sick. Do you
(15:34):
understand that not sick people are pervert? It's normal, it's natural. No,
it's not natural. I mean it's not natural. Al right,
welcome to the dairy boys. A couple of things, my suck,
my suck, my honor, all right, A couple of things here,
(15:58):
A couple of things in the agenda. Oh like, Paul here,
drink an entire gallon of milk this week? Baby, sick fun.
It just took the week, that's it. Yeah, slowly over
the week. Do you puke get any of it out? No?
I just drank a really small amount. Oh nuts, that's awesome.
Hell yeah. Okay, another big thing on the agenda, And
this is a big one, guys. We really need to
(16:20):
start pushing. So the dairy industry as a whole is going.
What's on the agenda? I think he's saying it, dick wad,
Thanks man, you're welcome. I love you. Okay, now was
that you? Guys? You guys dating? No, we love you.
I love you. I love you, all right, I love you,
I love you. I love you, Yeah, I love you. Okay.
What's that? Man? Then? Was that dude, did you drank
(16:43):
a gown of milk? You think you're better than us? Dude, coming, guys,
this is what this is what Big Almond wants. They
want us to fight. Okay, we came here as we
are the Dairy Boys and we have a mission. Wow
Wow Wow, Oh brothers. Sister Seene too comes from Dan
(17:13):
who wrote High Alchemists Love the Show. I am currently
backpacking through Southeast Asia, and your delight Philantics have entertained
me through many otherwise boring rides on the plane, trains,
and automobiles. My favorite bit is when Kevin calls someone
into his office for addressing down. It gets me every
time I've seen suggestion is this. A group of friends
(17:34):
are hiking through the woods when they encounter the spirit
of the forest who requests a boon from them. Thanks
for all the wonderful laughs. Stan from Seattle first of all,
as ever, we know what this boone is. Well wish
there we have it. Yeah, I didn't realize that. I'm
(17:55):
glad that we cleared it up. I thought's farm. Thank
you for clearing that up. Swing baby who has the map?
By the way, we don't need a map. Let's enjoy
the forest in your front podet. Let's just let's just
dance through the green a ree, see all the tree,
(18:18):
see the sunset, Oh my god, to drink all it's wine,
and see all the rocks, and see what's one's mind?
Can own a rock? It's all natures? Come on? Is
this so much fun? Road? Nature? It's fun. It's fun.
(18:39):
But if you don't take it seriously, we could find
ourselves in trouble. Whoa, what does that mean? What do
you mean? What do I mean? It's just a fun
It is a fun hike. It's not as fun as
like making up a stupid song. But it's just say,
we didn't realize that there was a bee hive. D
some leaves, We kick it. Somebody gets stung, their allergic
We got to go to the hospital. Is anyone here
allergy to bees? I am? I'm allergic to be an
(19:02):
allergic to bugs. Every time we bring you somewhere, you know,
you just allergic to everything we try to find, Like
that's happen, you know, all the bad. You know. I
just feel like when there's somebody that's singing, like we're
living in a musical, that somebody has to be the
counterpart the d I mean he does not take it
seriou all right? Can we just find a medium, then,
(19:24):
a happy medium, a media. Yeah, I'm I'm good to have.
This is our this is our thirtieth birthday trip. All
of us we have the same birthday, so I think
we're all gonna have fun. Okay, I'm okay, I'm in,
I'm okay. Hold okay, let put some tarot cards. I
don't want any of that spiritual style. Come on, listen.
(19:44):
Last time you did it at your apartment, it got freaky.
I guess what. We're out in the forest now. The
spears of the forest can talk to us. Please put
those tarot cards away. Oh they're harmless, all right, Okay,
let's ask a question. Okay, I want to ask a question.
Don't ask you questions. He I like this question. Are
we going to find a beehive under a pile of
(20:04):
leaves in the forest? You're just throwing them on the ground,
of course, okay, and I can't flip them over here. Ship. Okay.
We got the King of Cups, the Dancing Bear, the
Turquoise Hamlet, and Chevrolet Caprice Turquoise Hamlet. I don't think
you pronounced that. I think it's just capri and okay,
(20:27):
so this means here that okay, the cups and the turqoise.
So we're going to find where cups are filled with joy.
And but the caprice says to us that we're not
making it up. It's how you discern forests. Oh my god,
I am the spirit of the forest. Oh my, I'm
(20:49):
the spirit of the happy birthday by the way, Youthay,
let me grant you a boon. Oh my god, hold on,
hold on. How do we know he's that's just a
crazy guy. Well, he just look at he's made of twigs. Yeah,
but maybe he's wearing a suit. I'm going to touch him.
(21:10):
Oh he's sticklish. Please don't don't touch me. Prove that
you're the spirit of the forest. Well, I'm made of twigs. Yeah, okay,
of the forest itself. And squirrels are running in and
out of his body. Yeah yeah, but you're kind of
like the spirit of the forest to thank you. Yeah,
thank you should have the cards. Yeah, thanks. But I
(21:31):
looked like I'm made of the forest. Guess. So yeah,
air is moss. Yeah, but Jonathan wears weird hoodies. Yeah
I do. I mean that's you know, the custom. I
make it myself completely. Do you think it's more likely
that John, I wish for an arrow that never misses?
Is that the boon you want? That's my boon? Okay,
(21:51):
you don't eat, you get a boon you collectively get
that misses showed? How do we wish for a swimm pool?
Swimming pool? Wait? Why don't we a swimming pool? No? No,
do not do a swimming pool because it's gonna be
here and we're not going to hike five miles up.
(22:12):
We wish that we could all sing together. Wait, hold on, stop,
no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, one more
time to sing. I don't like this boon? Can we can?
Can I do a TakeBack? There's no TakeBack boons? I
(22:32):
grant you one boon? Are you happy, Jonathan? I'm happy.
I'm happy. I don't want to I don't want to sing. Guys, see,
I told you something awful was going to happen. We
know I'm really sick. Oh yeah, and every time you
sing it makes you even more sick. You're right, throat polyps?
What do you have? Throat polyps? Yeah? I sung in college,
(22:57):
but incorrectly, and duncan we're going to find an herb here.
That's gonna cure you. I guarantee you. I promise you
that we're going to find it. We could have wished
for that, but now we get to sing together. We
could have, but the chances of that happening are almost impossible. Okay,
of what happened, I wish to cure him, wish to Okay, look,
I normally never do this, but I am going to
(23:17):
take back that. Thank you, Oh my god. Thank a
little more thoughts into the boon? Why is it that
we could we wish that we could all together? I
wish that we could. I wish together. Little boon shall
be granted. I'm not good enough shape for this. Tired guys,
(23:40):
feel the force movement? Wow, this feels good. This is good.
This is making me horny. I'm not like I'm getting horny. Yeah,
this is actually but in a totally platonic way. Yeah yeah,
Spirit of the force. Please can we remove this boon
as well? Okay I already said I never take back
but okay, yes I sent a precedent, and yes I
(24:06):
don't have to dance together an maybe maybe you have
a boon request? Oh, can we grant you a wish.
We'll wish your wish for you. That's a great idea.
Maybe we can make a wish for you that you're
gonna you don't have to sing anymore. I just love
the forest. If you're not careful, he's going to start
(24:27):
dancing too. What do you I'm sure you have everything
you want, but what's something you need or you know
what I'm trying to say? Well, I wish that this
forest wasn't disappearing at the rate of a year, but
like something fun that we can play with. Yeah, yeah,
like you know, we did singing and dancing. That was fun.
Like what else? I guess because I am of the forest,
(24:49):
I've never left the forest. I do wonder let's wish
for a city to be built here? Yeah, I'd still
be here. Yes, yeah, you never have to leave. Let's
wish for city to be built right here? No, but
but then then the city right here, I wish we're
a city to be built right here, shall be granted
(25:14):
right away. We gotta kill all these guy damned squirrels.
Oh there's war right away. Wow, spear of the forest.
Please take this boon away. I try't take the boon away.
Shot it twice third times to charm. All right, all right,
the boon shall be ungranted. Oh my god, that was
(25:35):
not as cool as I can. Oh man, I got
shot in the way there. I do have an herb
that will take care of that. Okay, let's see. Oh no,
when when the city was built all of the medicinal
herbs were destroyed. When you've got the river, use your cards?
(25:55):
I got this, yeah, please, okay, what's our question? Um,
there's a bullet hole in my leg? Can we fix
the bullet hole in your lege? Okay? First card right here,
have swords? Okay? The second one is okay, another cup
of swords? What I thought it was one of each card?
(26:16):
I mixed tex okay, magic the gathering it is. It
looks like we have obsidian eyeball and the last one
is Chevy caprice. Okay, I think it's complete. Okay, Okay, great,
So this says here that our swords are filled with
with wine. So that means that we're gonna be able
to cauterize the wound in bed and the hell, yeah
(26:40):
that's pretty good. Fear that. Hey, can we have just
a quick, a quick human meet up to give us
one to walk so far? I can hear anything. Well,
hey guys, okay, that's what I'm talking about. If we
sing into the wound. No, what if we shattered that
fucking stickman and make a splint for her leg? I
(27:02):
mean we could, there's like other twigs. Can you could
shatter this? Yeah? But his like leg twigs are so
THI yeah, okay, I got I got okay, here I
got this. Excuse me a spirit? Of course you want
to shatter my leg? You know you're a fucking idiot
if you think that. Can I can? I have one
(27:23):
of your squirrels that's running around your tummy, one of
my squirrel of your tummy squirrels. This tummy squirrel keeps
my digestion going. If I could just very complex, if
I could just put in my hand for a second,
that'd be great. Be sure you want to touch my
put in my hands. Okay, thank you so much. There
you go. Okay, put the head off here? If the
(27:45):
guts right in your room? That was that's where you
came up with that. I thought we were shatter That
squirrel is the king of squirrels. Okay, squirrel they're dying everywhere.
Oh ship, Oh my god, what's going on what's happening.
They're all forming to one giant squirrel went to Okay,
(28:10):
look there's another group of hikers appearing at the other
end of the floor. I have to greet them seven
made sorry, we've already done three boons and taking them back.
I think you've abused the privilege way too much at
this boy. Okay, okay, okay, but I just keep these
squirrel guts in my leg. I don't look at me.
I don't think so. I think the answer would be nice.
(28:32):
This is what I was talking about the beginning of
the hike. I was to be just one example of
the many things that could go wrong. And of course
I know, listen, we've got to stick to the route, okay,
because we're gonna hit the waterfall by sunset, and that
makes us enough time to get it back to the car.
It makes it enough time up the words. All right,
I'm sorry, okay, but you know what I'm saying. All right, yeah, alright,
(28:55):
let's just do this. Let's have a silent walk, all right,
like we used to do, just like we did in
the service. Here we go, and the spirit of the
whoa close that it was a bigfoot boot. Oh no,
(29:20):
there was a family that was living inside of it.
Look at this, there's baby squirrels kids what then say
family and then it's baby squirrel What are you talking about?
Baby squirrels are definitely part of a family. But that's
one of the families. They have to have parents. You
say family, the first thing might correct me if I'm wrong, boys,
But the first place my mind goes as people. Yeah,
(29:44):
first place my mind goes to when you say family,
when you hear your family, Yeah, of course, but not
you bigfoot, this twigs and ship? What my god? This thing?
You wicker man, use the barrel, the barrel of your
gun to move to stick around. It's reform. What is
(30:04):
going on? Let me grant you a boon? What is that?
A boob? A boon? Grand boobs could be a boob.
You can wish for whatever you'd like. I'd wish for
one boob, just to be wait a second. We want
at least four boobs. Yeah, one for each of us,
(30:25):
one of us on the ground, not attached to us.
I don't want to boob on me. At least a
sea cup. Please please let the boon be granted four boobs.
It is oh hell nice, really nice. Good. How do
(30:49):
we take it with us stuck to the ground? Is
this gypsy? What is this? I'm not a gypsy. I
have the spirit for us. Look like a gypsy. I'm
not a gypsy. Prove it. Look anything you wish for.
Of course there's going to be a catch to it,
(31:09):
right there. I don't know what you expected out of
wishing for four solitary boobs, but this is what you've got.
I don't want to use this boob in public. I
want to have this boob for myself in private. And
it's down next to these other three boobs. Well, there's
no take backs on boone's Yes, these are the rules
of the forest. So we just have to leave these
(31:30):
four boobs on the road for everybody else to find. Yes,
perhaps they'll serve as a marker making sacrifice here. And
you didn't have to cut the rice. Let's get another worst,
let's get another wish. So I did visit those other hikers,
(31:53):
and they were way worse than the four of you.
Thank god your back. By the way, her leg is
turning green and stinks. Stinks so bad. You put a
squirrel in my leg. You put a squirrel in my leg.
I'm trying to hell? Why would you think that would help?
I thought it was a magical squirrel that had healing powers.
Why would you think that? Because I think that we
were going to use his stakes to make a split,
(32:14):
and now I have to lose my leg. I'm a dancer.
You're a dancer. What kind of dancing modern? Modern leg?
You also just turned thirty today, And I don't want
to be that guy, but like you're dancing, days are
kind of numbered and we've all kind of seen that.
You guys serious kind of missing a step lately? Are
you guys serious? I mean, you're not feeling as much
as you used But I thought you guys said that
(32:36):
you love coming to my dance shows and that I
did a really good job. We we love coming to
you know you do, but it's it's missing a step.
I never do this. I never do this, But I
just I hope what for you to dance forever? Dance
forever at the still level that you're at now. It's
at the level I'm at now. It sounds like my
level I met now is not as good as my
(32:58):
three years ago. Yeah, yeah, years ago. You want to
dance like you did when you were twenty seven. Yes, yes,
I would love that. Please. Okay, alright, the boon shall
be granted, though I can't have the spirit good so
much to dance on this leg. Okay, people, listen, Okay,
(33:21):
these are auditions for the Marionette swan leg in your
face action to Okay, it's a big thing. Stinks. I
can't dance with the room smelling like listen, everybody who stinks?
Who stinks? I'm sorry, I have a very fever. Um,
it's my leg. It's it's gang nous. Okay, well listen, okay,
(33:42):
let me just say this now. If you have an
opened wound, okay, please close the wound. Okay, people, cloth
or something? Cloth, I I got some. I got a
small dog. I can put that in there. Okay, excuse me,
my leg is Let you go from the top. Everyone,
I'm sorry, are you trying to sign in for the audition?
(34:05):
You're made of sticks? Yes, I am the spirit of
the forest. You're not on my list and all Carol, Yeah,
we have a walk on audition. Ner. Okay, let's see. Okay, okay,
tall lanky, made of wood, animals running around inside. Let's
give him a chance. Let's give him. It is a him.
It is a him. Sure, okay, you know what you're doing?
(34:27):
Five movie movie movie? Oh wow, yes, yes, Now I
see what it's like to be human, to dance, to love,
to sing, time singing such an actor. Well, it's just
a dance, so no singing, and uh, we'll see. Okay,
(34:50):
there's a lot of people got to get through. I
think I think we kind of know where everyone else stands,
except for the person with the stinky lights. And it's
not a stinky like, it's rotten like. Okay, you are
flush white and sweating, all right? And five oh my clean,
when they kill man, they'd be a catch. Wow. Wow.
(35:19):
Our last scene today is from will Alchemy. I have
been writing to you every day since the first podcast,
only to find out that you don't expect you don't
accept handwritten mail. You should have specified that, and the
mailman should have never taken mail addressed to an email. Hilarious.
(35:43):
Always mistakes made and correct. My scene suggestion to you
comes from a dream that I had last night. Yes,
I did wake up and instantly started writing this letter.
And I am not obsessed with the show you are.
I love this person. Suggestion you all go to Craig's house,
unlet to find that inside it's actually a park for
(36:05):
dinosaurs ps. For some reason, in my dream, James didn't
understand what a dinosaur was and kept coming up with
excuses to what they were. I quote from my dream
and the quote begins, this is just a deer with
really sharp teeth. End quote that seems odd. Keep up
the good work. That's from Will. Will Man. I've never
(36:28):
been to Craig's place before. Kitchen at your place right now,
it's Craig. It was certainly a mistake that I didn't
get an invite, right, Yes, No, it's it was just
a type of or something in the email. I think
it was you were overlooked, overlooked. Yeah, we're the right way.
I mean, it just is like this dirt road is
(36:48):
that I think he does in the east Side. It's not,
you know, it's kind of like hip over expecting a
dirt road. I know it was not. It's like nothing
out here. Yeah, I also feel I guess I thought
I had been here before, but now I definitely haven't.
What do you mean you thought that would be weird
if you thought you were Craigs before, and you guys
never think that you're like, Oh, I've been to this
person's house before, but you're just making it. Why would
(37:09):
I be a craigsplace? Yes, because we hooked up before,
so it's all crazy that I would be there. You
hooked up with Craig? Yes, you, guys, I hooked up
with Craig. Are you hooked up with Yes, you hooked
up with Craig. Hooked up with Craig. Are you talking
about the same Craig Craig Kamowski Craig Amouski. Yeah, I
hooked up with him. Are you serious? It was at
(37:30):
the the Facts Party, That's what I hooked up with him. Serious,
that's disgusting. Are you sure as you hooked up with
the Fact Party? Yes, Craigmouski, Yes, my friend craigmuk that's
the show. My ears are burning. Guys, what are you
doing here? Oh? I just figured everybody else from the
(37:52):
crew was invited. It was probably just I got left
off the I was just surprised. You have the biggest
palm trees I have seen in californiaren't they nice? Yeah?
Cleg Mr Clegg is everything? Did I get water or something? Yeah?
Rinco get waters for everyone? Go? Where are you from
(38:19):
you guys want fizzy with fizzy water reflect all around? Okay, great,
fizzy fezy. Why are you pointing, James? Do you want
something to yeah, fishy water? I think is this? Yeah,
you don't get anything. Why are you grabbing my hand?
You don't get anything. It's okay, Rinco, It's it's all right.
You have been marked. It's a nice class. Okay, wow,
(38:46):
thanks for having Yeah, it's pretty nice. As thousands, two
thousand anchors are acres? Why would it be? What's wrong
with you? What do you mean? I'm with him? Anchors
a nautical nautical way to the measure distance. Yes, if
you have two thousand anchors, that's likes. But if if
it was, if it was anchors, I bet like like
(39:09):
your standards. Subways probably like anchors, like the restaurant. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
there you go, Like the actual train would probably like
close to two subway that's a system. Speaking of subway,
I do have sandwiches coming. Yeah, I am hungry. Um,
was there a reason? I just want to get to
the thing in the room with Why you wanted to
(39:31):
switch from my place to yours? Um would have been
to your place a few times? Something wrong? No, no,
I love your place. I love your place a little small,
you know, but we certainly don't have two thousand anchors
for sure. It can't be two thousand acres. And I
don't feel like that. We haven't all gotten together since
the Facts party. So yeah, that was a fun that
(39:56):
can I can I use your restroom? Which one? Who? Why?
Why do you care to use? Oh? You guys are
wondering if maybe I want to use one of your
right ship that's crazy. If you want to go to
one of our houses or so far? No, sorry, you
can go behind that gigantic fern. Or okay, where's her house?
It's your house. I don't see a house. Well, there
(40:19):
are a few. Is it resessed? It's like in the ground. No, no,
I mean there is it in the air. I'm going
to tell you it's not it. Is it in a tree?
I do? I do live in a tree? Two letters
letters starts with A, ends with I don't know what
(40:39):
you're doing, guys. I don't want to make a big deal.
But when I was peeping behind that bush, I saw
a big face. I'm talking a t rex face back there,
girl painting or something? What it is? It was standing
on its two hind legs now wasn't moving, but it
was staring right at my peep. You have drawn am,
(41:03):
there's I'll tell you right now, there's no animatrons here.
What about animo? No amamo? Trons welcome? Hell? Do you
have your come ski park park? This actually makes a
lot of sense. I feel so dumb. We're just standing
(41:23):
here and now I'm seeing all the fucking dinosaurs. Fou
what are you doing? Joey? Stop? That is that what's
conjuring these images for you? Yeah? I just the first
thing that comes to my mind. THI oh good time.
Over there there's a herd of bronto sords. You know.
(41:49):
It's all the terod actyls. And wo how many terod
actyls do you have? Just a dozen right now? But
they breed those bald equals. James, shut the What are
you talking about? The tear nectos? Are those balls are dinosaurs? Dinosaur? No? No,
I get it, I get it. I'm just wondering if
those are pulled eagle dinosaurs? Feezy what that for you?
(42:09):
Thank you? Rinko Franco, Rinko Rinco. Where are you from?
He ran away? Is he a dinosaur? Because he looks like, well,
he is something that I managed to recreate v s
M DNA that we found in amber. You're a scientist,
all right? Can we see the labs? Can we see
(42:30):
the labs? Or how does this work? I think that's
a goat. That's that's right. Stop, it's so cute. Okay, Rinko,
can you get him out of trouble? Can I just say,
I feel like this would be strange if it was
anybody else, but not come out. It's not come out.
I will need all of you to sign a waiver
(42:52):
if that's cool, Just a waiver saying that you've need
a DNA sample as well. No, no, Rico, I'm not
going to take Do you need us to do what
Rinko's asking? An n d A? Is that what we're
talking about? Like if I could get an n d
A and a urine sample from everyone, I think that
would be totally That's what the fizzy waters Greig. Can
(43:17):
I talk to you for a second? Sure? Yeah, beautiful
beautiful property. Um thinking about you ever since the Facts party? Yeah,
I wanted to talk to you about that. Um, so
I wanted to see just you because they stopped, like stop,
had to invite everyone. Stop. I know, stop stop. Fuck.
(43:39):
I know you hooked up with Caroline. Okay, I know
you did that, right, did that too? Oh? Yeah, you
did that too. Jealous? Yeah, I'm jealous. I didn't think
that we put any label on what we had. You
gave me a trust tongue ring. Okay, you said that.
I'm wearing mine too. I saw that. Okay, let's touch him. Look, look,
(43:59):
I need to know what are we? What are we?
I don't know what we are. I want to own
this with you, so you want to own it with me.
I put, I put in the hard work. Caroline. Why
are you looking off into the distance? What's up? Just present?
They ran away and and I don't know what they're
talking about. Are they hooking up again? But probably? I
(44:19):
mean probably? Did you probably? Hold? Do you think it's
like a real connection between you and Craig. He's kind
of a known playboy. I don't. He's spit in my mouth.
That's like his fucking move. What it is? I mean,
I'm not saying maybe he has feelings for you. I
think he does. And he locked me in the facts room.
You're just spitting in my eye right now? Okay, just
(44:41):
stop listen to me. Damn it, I want to own
it around you. That's it. Like I put in the
leg work, you know, to create a two thou acre
dinosaur park like acre. It was a lot of work.
What the fun? It's a baby pterodactyl. Oh beautiful, I
(45:04):
just noticed. I'm sorry, it's pretty important. I think that
your dog has scoliosis, has slipped a bunch of disks
and they're sticking out everywhere. You should get a v
up here. No, that's a velociraptor. Okay, that's a velociraptor
with all the all the slip discs coming out the back. Okay,
maybe not like I'm not an expert. I've been more
(45:24):
of a part guy. I'm gonna go pet your dog,
but you should really get a veterinary and you guys
can go at it again. I don't know. They've been
gone for a really long time, and it's just like,
what are we supposed to do? Well, I'll tell you
what I'm what are they talking about? I'm like kind
of like tortured myself or not, to be honest, it's
so dramatic. What did you talking about? Kevin said, like
nothing to me today? Hey, what do you guys? Did
(45:45):
you notice that? Unlike when we're at my place and
you know, Jamie, when I put a little spread and everything,
I can't find any food. Maybe have you seen Rinko?
You could probably ask him for. Yeah, that's what I'm
trying to avoid. Oh he just creeps me out so cute.
What is it about him? Um? I guess everything about him?
(46:07):
He kind of looks like a wet here are we good?
What are we good? Whole? Right up here? You are
like talking everybody else and like not me. Now we're here,
and I just feel like fun, like are we good?
You want to do this now? No? No, I don't.
Actually I don't. I don't. I don't, I don't, I don't.
Sand we thank you. It's seriously helping you. Nobody wants
(46:42):
to if you want me, go get him? Okay, look, yeah,
I mean I do want you to live in a
tree with me. And I can't give you a portion
of the park, but I give you all my heart,
all my heart. Let me spit in your nose. I'm fine,
I'm fine, dirty Craig, Sorry, I wrote a scaly guy
(47:10):
over here. Um, yeah, that's Tank. He's one of the
Yeah you are you sick, Joey, You're being so rude.
I can I talk to you? You can get here, Joey,
I don't care. And James, I don't know why you're
still here, but I just I wanted to. I just
(47:31):
am worried that your fish got out of the fish
tank because there's a whole bunch of creepy crawleys in
the woods and I think they might see your goldfish.
They're all dinosaurs, whatever they are, I'm going to try
to get them. I'm going to try to gather them
in the woods. I'll be back. God, he's fucking stupid,
having a good time. Rink, I'm not. Yeah, Rinkle got
(47:52):
me a sandwich, was really nice, and then he started
humping Kevin's And here I'm over kind of just in
the corner. Horney has a day is long, and nobody
kind of wants to hook up with me. So I'm
wondering what to deal with that? Is it? Because I
cut my hair and you guys are in this corner.
I noticed the tongue rings. By the way, I don't
have one of those, and I got a piercing for it,
and now it's just a hole in my tongue. Look,
(48:15):
I mean the thing that we had, you know, it
was it was a passing thing. You know, it was nice,
you know, it was really nice. You're feeling something in
the moment, and I'm sorry I didn't know this. You've
got a haircut. It does look nice like it. It's
a little short, but it's a thing that we can
add an extension of this tree and put a little
playpen and they're made for kids or something. Are you
guys moving in together in a tree? Look fucking serious?
(48:41):
I guess I guess there's no good time to say this,
but yeah, Joey and I are a thing. Yeah, and
I think he's gonna move into a tree with me. Yeah,
I'm gonna own s where we're in negotiations. Why would
you give him more? Rinko owns a good portion of
the park as well, So you know what, Fine, I
(49:02):
get it. I'm gonna take my stupid, fucking buzzed head
home because obviously everyone here is kind of coupling off. Um, okay,
you are so condescending, Joey. You know what. You're fired? Alright,
you fired me, I can quit. Well I fired you first? Okay,
Well I quit first. Wait, wait wait, James, James, that's
(49:25):
the t rex enclosure. Would you think it's a dog?
Oh my god? Alright, Rinco, Rinco, to taste that t rex.
He loves this, He lives for these moments. Is it working.
(49:47):
It's a taser so small and the are so big,
A tiny taser. Yeah, I don't know. We don't have
a lot of security measures in plays. I did what
I could. He's gone. James is gone. He was marked. Well,
he was never invited. I'm sorry about my outburst. Earlier
(50:07):
were so good? We are so good? Are we? Are
we keeping track? Uh? Um? As far as who's getting
paid what? Because I feel like Craig is like making
some bucks and I'm like, that's gotta be all Carla
this whole place, Where is Carla exactly? Huh Yeah, I don't,
(50:29):
I don't. I don't really have a grasp on a
the relationship be what how many different tents? Yeah, because
it's kind of like they're off right. Yeah. There, she's
on the straight and narrow. He's always over. Sorry, can
I get the car keys? Can I get the car
keys real quick? Okay? Sure, thank you? If you could
(50:51):
just share, Caroline is gonna ask them much one to
gap him. Right now, Caroline is gonna ask for the
car keys. Just give me the keys, please, okay, I mean,
have you seen Carla? Have you seen Carla? I don't
give a ship, Just give me the keys. Okay, okay,
here have the carkis serious? Seriously, car I gave you
my car keys and he just gave him to Joe.
I thought he lost his jacket or something wanted his jacket.
(51:12):
I lost my jacket, the jacket? What's going on with you?
To what's going on is that Joe? He stole the
love of my life and in steal the love of
your life Joey again because he look, he chose me,
all right, and that's how it is. Sorry, shaved heady. Okay,
that's not my name. You know that my name is
(51:32):
Caroline Carmer, and you know that it is not sha
is not my name. I didn't care about this. I
went to a new barber. I messed up. Okay, stop
mocking me. Stop Rinko is Carla? No? No, no, rinko.
What has he done? Rinko? Oh no, Brenko, rink Where
are you from? How long have you been here? That's
(51:56):
what the Wow, it's so dark in the t Rexus
taught me. I wish I had some sort of here's
my cell phone. Hey, what are you good? You're not Carla?
I was half expecting to see Carla. I didn't seed
anybody in here a while. Its company? Oh my god,
how do we get out of this dog belly? Get out?
What are you crazy? Is it right? I guess it's
(52:18):
not as bad account I do, but I've I've shared
it with a lot of people, so sometimes I can't
watch anything. Do you have a Netflix account? No? I do.
I got a TV, A lot of screen Well, this
time of day we could probably watch it, but after
six o'clock a lot of people are logging into Netflix. Yes,
nobody would feed me out there. I got skewing. Okay,
(52:41):
I'll take a skewer anyway. I hope you guys had
a great time. You see you guys next time. Yeah,
I'm not coming back. Chris. Chris had a question about
Carla everything. Yeah, you know she's around here somewhere. It's
two two tho anchors probably, Okay, it will give her
our best. Did you see James by the way him
(53:04):
get eaten? You guys are hilarious. That's good that's good
all right. Well then, um, he's probably still alive in
the two rex Is digestive system for at least at
least twenty hours. That's good for him, honestly, more than
he deserves. Yeah, I know, I know. Well then I
called shotgun due. Thanks for having us. This was weird. Alright,
(53:25):
hold on your butt, yeah, hold on, hold on to
your butts. Oh man. I want to thank all of
our alchemists for another spectacular outing. Joseph of Greer, what's
going on now? Where should you folks? Look? Check out
Jeffy Grieber on Instagram, Bear supply every second and fourth
(53:45):
Wednesday at nine o'clock, pretty pretty pony, first Thursday of
the month at ten o'clock and alchemy this and how
much fun was sketch Fest? Wasn't that blast? Thanks again
for everyone who came out. I will say this. The
riot that broke out, oh man, I mean spun it.
But it was fun. It was not as bad as
it look. James Heney, sketch Fest was of last. If
(54:07):
you want to find any of my content, go to
the real James Heeney dot com. Everything that I make
just gets plugged into there. Anyways, have a review for
us to read the next outing if you wouldn't mind.
People really love that. I I love it too, but
you know, we need people to write reviews so I
can read them. They should really get on time. Sorry,
(54:27):
one woman, Greig Kamowski Craig Kmowski, oh man, sketch Fest
was nuts. And if you want to see improvised me
improvised with my wife Carla. If she hasn't been genetically
mutated into rinko or fed to a dinosaur, go to
Orange Tucks improv Twitter. Awesome, Caroline Carter, thank you so much.
(54:48):
Thanks for having me. I love hearing all your stories
about sketch Fest. That was crazy. Um you can find
me on Instagram at cotter poop as in the stuff
that comes out of your butt And thanks again. Yeah, Chris,
Caroline's hilarious. I followed hers up on Instagram. It's a
it's a lot of fun. Is it more than poop?
(55:11):
I don't even see any pop, Okay, just just the
way she looks at life, you know, Um, it's really fun.
Obviously those of you who are at sutch first know
I was a bit under the weather, but I didn't
want to say anything. I'm glad you did. I pulled through.
You said like three things in the whole show. I
(55:31):
wanted to do more. I only managed to do a
couple of things that happened. But at least you're out
of the full body cast. That's right, that's right across Vardo.
If you want to follow me anywhere, Yeah, we'll catch
up with you at the West side as well. Uh
right to us your name here at all communist dot com.
We'd love to hear from you. And I want to
thank our guest engineer, Chris. Sure he has the last name.
(55:54):
I'm Kevin Pollock, your host until next time, and spot
and a football and I fall
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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