Reality TV.... to the death.

Every Reality TV genre in a highlander-style fight to the death.

Short-term memory detective closes in on senile killer.

Frat pledges wake up at a furry convention.

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This sign your
host Kevin First pets a cat name Rascal ste Guy
grew up on willow Brook Drive, So yes, for the
what's your porn actor name game? Mine would be Rascal
willow Brook. You bet you? What's yours? Listeners? But I digress.
Let's meet Chamis shall we no particular order? Let's welcome

(00:24):
Craig a cow skik cow standout thing you learned this
summer um. I'm still thinking my porn name, which is
Kitty wood Fern. They're always so great. Oh what a
Maybe that's it. Since we're still in the summer, Kitty,
I'm gonna stick with Kitty Wood first wood Fern, uh Fern.

(00:47):
We need you on set. Please say hello to Gary
Anthony will Yeah a lot, Gary Anthony Williams to say
hello to you. Yeah, I take some time. Yeah please Hi.
G Dub Recalling life as a child, What was a
truly odd thing you heard someone say which would later
make sense as an adult? Dude? One time? And this

(01:09):
is real. First of all, my parents, my dad was
very dry, funding my mother was kind of loud. Once
when I was a tiny, tiny, tiny kid, she was
sitting around with a bunch of her women friend um,
and they were eating these little, uh little Debbie oat
will snapcakes with cream in the middle, and my mother

(01:29):
said to Miss Elizabeth or Miss Elizabeth, she said, uh, Lizabeth,
you want one of these? And Ms Lize said no,
and my mother said, well when you know you like
that white stuff going down your throat and the like,
and they just busted out laughing. And I had no
idea why they laughed, so I just followed it away
and things to think about as I'm older. And then

(01:52):
when I got older, I realized that my mom was
talking about Miss Lizabeth eating. Just how old were you
when that beautiful memory? For me, I wasn't even in school. Yes,
I had to be about five years old. And when
the memory sprung, when it made sense, it was just
a couple of years ago. It was no more than

(02:12):
ten years ago. And I was like, Mama, thank you
very much for all of that. In the Hoose, Jackie
Gonzala to wrote that, Jay, do do you remember baking
your first cake? Never baked a cake? Don't like cake,
won't stop it? What about pie? What I love pie? Yes,

(02:34):
first pie you baked? I do remember baking my first pie.
It was an apple pie. I think it was my
first Thanksgiving being staying in Los Angeles and not going home.
And what a treat, What a treat? It went well, Yes,
it went very very well. It turns out I'm very
good at making pie. Did you do the fold up
thing at the edges? No? I didn't go crazy, but

(02:57):
I did make my own dough and the doll was
very very good. And I still use the same recipe.
I recently made a peach pie. May I recommend peach
and blueberry next time? Please? Yeah, I'll take any recomdiation.
I love making and eating pie. My porn name is
Andrew Montgomery, and I also love an animal pet named Andrew.

(03:28):
Oh that's good. And now James Eni jumping Jimmy Flash.
If you did have a face to face with an
actual alien, what might you say? I would say, what's
the secret to traveling so quickly across so much space?
And you can call me Sarah South Street? Sarah South Street?

(03:52):
Do you say the street partner? Just Sarah South? Yeah.
My first dog's name was Sarah, and I lived on
South Street. Sarah South Street. We need you on at
five and last, but stick your finger in it if
you think at least it's Joey Greer, pumpkin hole. Odd
nicknames you were given. I wasn't given any nicknames. I
was given titles. Okay, what was title three? Title three

(04:15):
was let's see, it was probably Admiral of the New Oceans. Okay, yeah,
good buddy of mine bestowed that upon me, sweet sweet path.
And then my poor name is vagina fat cock name,
fat fat cock? You do you're not in that cul

(04:37):
de sac? Did you grew up in that cul de
sac on fat cock? Yeah? I did. What my Yeah,
my family lived in the cul de sac right right
there at the very yeah yeah, yeah, right there that
the ball of the tip of the world. That is
so yeah, that's a family. That's a family thing. Family.

(05:01):
That the guy, the white people who owned my family,
they left part of that too. Uh. Here I go
and talk about who owned me again later, get them started.
All of our scene suggestions to gather from your listener
emails or from our patroon the IPS to become a
patron support of the show and enjoy exclusive content like

(05:21):
stand alone bonus scenes that's new, or video of our
recording sessions, or at the highest level of support Alcomaniac,
you'll have a choice to join us for one of
these recording sessions. You heard me. Just head on over
to patreon dot com slash alchemy this if you'd like
a scene suggestion sent via email. Hey, I love to
read them, love to respond Alchemy this email at gmail

(05:42):
dot com. That's alcome This email. Scene one comes from
Patreon alcomaniac, Will, who wrote Hello Alchemist, Will Morris of
upstate St. Louis. Every genre Reality TV fights in an
all out Highlander style war to the death. They can
only be one thank you, love you, ps order up. Hey,

(06:06):
who are you here for? I am I'm reading for
my dance partner. He was supposed to be here three
hours ago. I can't go on stage without him. I understand. Okay,
so we're gonna wait for your partner, Yeah, if we can.
I hope he's okay. He's I just need you to
sign in. I just need you to sign in. If
you wouldn't mind, please just their name, name in the show,

(06:31):
shoe size, and if you have a button, that'd be great. Um, okay,
show button, show button. Um. I have a button on
my outfit. And if it's not going to ruin the
outno show button, like a button that has the name

(06:52):
of the show on it. I haven't received that yet,
all right, So right now, we'll just take shoe size,
name of you and your sure Okay, so um shoe
size four and a half child child for and half. Um.
My partnership's name is Diablo Duo Duo. I know for

(07:15):
a fact those goddamn property brothers are right behind that wall. Okay,
Now we gotta get in there. We gotta bludge them
to death. All right. How do we know which one?
We're blood and both of them, both of them, okay,
both of them, and you honestly don't want to see
one more dead than you want to see the other,
cause I want one more dead. Take that one. Take

(07:36):
that one. You don't have any charge, you don't have
any choice in the matter. You're indifferent about that kind
of what does it matter? Okay? We have made our
way through half of the h G TV personality lineup,
all right. I haven't even processed what we've done. Okay,
blood on our hands, there's guilt in our hearts, but
there's something we gotta do, Okay, because if they if

(07:58):
they get to us, they're gonna do the same thing exactly. Hey,
first of all, if you be headed before me, no, no,
let's let's let's do this in the right way. If
I get be headed before you, I want you to
pick my head up and look into my eyes and
say something to see if I try to answer okay, okay, okay.

(08:20):
And then if if my head gets cut off before you,
I don't want to imagine that. That sounds like a tray.
Hi checking in ted property to property my brother twelve
and a half and twelve and a half. The show
is property, brothers Okay? Is that the button? This is
the show button. That's a winner. That's a damn good button.

(08:42):
That's that's one for that's one for you, and uh
and Todd Todd is a little gift for you as well.
Here you go. We made this ourselves that you can
hang that around your neck. Is that a pot? It's
like a button, But you don't have to put a
hole in your shirt. You killed my brother, tied property,

(09:03):
and now it's time for you to property pulling out
by testing. Man, I'm not sure that's gonna do the job. There.
You cut my head still is talking. I'm still oh, yes,

(09:24):
his head his head. I forgot how long could you
stop doing that? I'm gonna call nine one one and
see if we can't save this fellow. Happy Hello there
you Uh yeah, we have a situation down at the

(09:45):
Reality Contesting horrible situation Burbank Boulevard. If you could send
someone MT. I think in the MT. We just need
to shove some intestants back inside of one of our contestants.
That's contestants contestants, Well, what's happening? Also, my head separated

(10:08):
from my body. He's lost his head as well. I'm
not sure if that's metaphorical or actual. His head is actual,
his head is talking with Actually, I've got a talk
in the head here. This is crazy. He's supposed to
be dead. If it's I know, we gotta get in
there and figure out what paul of him we need
to cut off to make him die. Maybe maybe maybe

(10:29):
he shouldn't have died. May, Maybe we shouldn't have cut
off his head. Huh. May maybe some of the people
that we've been cutting off the heads shouldn't have got
their heads cut off. Okay, here's here's what we can do.
Directed by the situation. I'm gonna sneak back in there
before the four not one one of whoever. He is there,
and I'm gonna try to reinstate his head onto his body. Okay, okay, Okay,
hold on, before we do that, Okay, let's let's come
up with a reveal. Okay, we're gonna have a reveal,

(10:52):
have a review, Okay, a little before and after Okay.
So that means we're gonna have to get some interviews
done of people who know him beforehand, right right hand
interview right okay, say okay, and then we're gonna have
to maybe uh, she's like a rehab of the body
or something, so when he gets the body looks better
than what it was. Jacoba, I'm outside. I don't know.
I can't audition without you. Where are you? I am

(11:16):
stuck in traffic. Come on you mostly a little bit longer.
Please give me a show button without you being here.
But they all got to show. I have a show button.
Don't worry about it. I'm almost there, Moppen. I can't
be on the phone. It's too hard to steal it.

(11:37):
When I'm on the phone, do you look to me, Jacob,
I'm absolutely freaking out. You know how nervous I get
before our big auditions. What do you want me to do?
Split the lanes and get myself killed? No, I don't
want to get yourself killed, but yeah, you can. Gonna
be patient. They didn't know there was gonna be so
much traffic. Well I didn't know that I need to
be patient when I signed up to the passa doorlay
with you. Come on? Uh, wet socks. I got wet

(12:01):
socks for sale. One sick it? I need to get
these mopen. He wanted to move his moped and giving
him what he wants and then move it the moped. Alright,
hey man, he wants some wet socks for sale? Two
pairs of Can I get two pairs? One for men
and one for women? Wet socks? Two pairs? Oh they're
unisex man? I mean okay? Can I get one large

(12:26):
and one small? Their unisex? Man? Are you dumb? Huh? Dumb? Okay,
I'll pick two socks and get your ass over here. Now, okay,
I'm on my way. Huh what happened? Hello? Is anyone
left here? Oh? My god, there's so much bund Hello,

(12:49):
Oh goddish have seen one? So I promised soon as
Sean Connery got here, we would cut that fucker short.
Oh baby, seemed to come from listener Milton, who wrote

(13:09):
high crew after hearing my email read in the Best Podcast,
I thought less effort on the opening lines, more energy
for the scene suggestion and since I heard you guys
like when the audience themselves rate their own suggestions, here's
a good one. Scene suggestions. Short term memory detective closing

(13:30):
in on the infamous senile killer kiss Me Little Kiss,
Milton from Sweden. I mean just doesn't make any sense.
What's the problem, well, I mean none of the clues
are added up. I just don't get it. I mean
it's just not good with math or clue. What the
fund is your problem? Are we working together or not? Man? Huh,

(13:50):
I don't know, you don't know. God damn. Look every
weapon is different, yep, I see everything shot is different,
every case is different. There's no remo reason. I don't
know what the motivating factor is for this psycho. Now, well,
let's not use words like psycho is do you have
to put a title like that on this particular person?

(14:12):
That's all they are right now as a person. Do
you know what we're talking about? Murder? Multiple clues? Okay,
for the first time in a long time, you're actually
paying attention. Usually just like, forget what the hell I'm
talking about, Franklin, Della. No, I need both of you
in the office right now. Stop my come in captain.
Just let me do the talking this time, all right

(14:34):
from the guy who just said, fuck my life. I
want you heading this great? Yeah, awesome, Okay, you know what,
Let's have you do all the talking. Then I'll stand
there like an idiot. No, you know, why don't you
go in there, dude? Right? Give us a second? Yeah, no, no, guys, guys, guys,
figure out who's gonna do the talking before you get
into this office. I don't have all damn day. All right,

(14:54):
you do the you do the talking. Oh excuse me,
could you help me with my oven? It seems to
not be working in my unit. Sure, I was just
heading out to the garage. It'll take just a moment.
Come into my unit. Okay, all right? Oh thish is

(15:18):
the oven right here? There's a problem with the oven?
What is it? Nut turning on? Put your head inside
of it. I'm not gonna put my head in the
oven a bit, please. I shocked to wrong with my
I can't cook my pot pies. Do you have Hubert's number?
He's the super for this building. Oh, I can't wait
that long. It gets so late so early. Here, put

(15:41):
your head in the oven. Okay, I'm not I'm not
putting my head head in the oven. Yeah, after four
D grades? How Oh, I can't wait. Totals detectives, fightness.

(16:04):
It should be here in the biddies. Was it coming
to the garage? Are talking about Hubert? Are you talking
about Hubert? I'm talking James. James is doing garage duty.
I understand that, But Hubert's not around either. What the hell? Yeah,
that's kind of strange. Have you even noticeding like a
lot of a lot of people been getting killed lately?

(16:25):
Not only that fucking killed, A lot of people are around.
Check out my eyebrowsers. They go up sucking missing as well,
a lot of people aren't around. Huh you know what
I mean? Yeah, I'm sure James will be here any moment. Yeah,
I'm sure. Yeah. It was excuse me, felish. I hate
the body. I was asked to investigate a case here.

(16:46):
I was wondering if either of you, uh know where
three apartment three Apple A three A. I'm sorry, three
Apple A, three A, because there's both of those departments.
My mistake, thank fellish. What the hell was that about it?
We could have you know? Was it me? Or was
that duster jacket on him? Way too big? Too big

(17:08):
for what? You never too big to look good? Right exactly?
I'm always like, why don't they make the dusters just
unisex right, like wetting them down, wet them down to
make exactly. But a lot of people don't realize unisex
means the same size. It's not even about but it's
not gentlemen, I hate the disturbed this rather candid conversation

(17:30):
you're having. Can I ask if either of you know
where I might find an apartment three A as an apple?
That's okay, that's what we were asking earlier. You said
three apple A or three You were asking each other
when I just as I was asking you, and then
you you scratched your head and you, ah, this is
my first time here, sir, right, don't recall your first time.

(17:51):
So is it department three A that I'm looking for
as an apple? And hey, he said this is his
first time here, and clearly he just walked up to us,
and I know you're hurting my elbow. Yeah, so you
know that's fine, It's fine. I totally agree. This is crazy,
and I grab hard and I do seriously. I mean,

(18:14):
I know, I know. Oh god, damn when you heard
him like you saw him the first time. Yes, clearly
I've come with a bad time. Gentlemen. You I'm just looking,
you know what, I'll just keep I'll go from one
A to two A and eventually I'll find three. Yeah
you mad, Yeah, that's one of the boys to do

(18:34):
bonjeour my friends. I was wondering if you could tell
me where his apartment three? A second guy did, And
what's up with this kind of like a fantasy, kind
of steampunk look you got going on here? I have,
I have elaborate waxed mustache and bowler bowler hats. But

(18:59):
I don't know, oh that I would necessarily say it's
steam got a cane And he looked like you're from like,
I don't know, Turn of the Sentry kind of ship.
You know what I'm saying. So we we masure apartment three.
Follow that fellow there in the what my partner considers
an oversized duster. Just follow him. He's here. I mean
it is an oversized duster. You consider it that way,

(19:21):
but his past patty in the past. Hell, what's everybody
doing here in my place? I shied a body you, ma'am.
I don't know who you know. I was in the
middle of of kissing a little kiss from from a
boyfriend of mine. I was in the middle of kissing

(19:42):
a little kids door. I understand. I'm looking for attomption fellow.
Now my boyfriend. Now, I was going to get it
in and now he's asleep. He's name the door. He
fell asleep. He's a that time. I can come back
at another time. I'm very I also come come back

(20:04):
at another time. I'm just saying, you've already ruined my night.
What's everyone doing here? You need some you need you
need some some fruits. I just had a couple of
questions for a fellow by the name of Thompson. Thompson. Oh,
you're looking for three A apple. This is three A
It's just me by my lonesome here. That's over good.

(20:31):
One of you two boys, could you help me? I
have a problem with my blender and in unit three
a apple. One of you two boys, but certainly totally one. Well,
we gotta be quick. We're looking for looking for a buddy, James,
and he's also missing. But James should be It's probably

(20:56):
a real simple fix. It's a little tiny blender. What
were you in here? Oh? I burned to pie? I
to pie. It was a chicken pot pie. Look. Look,
we don't mind helping out, but we uh, we work
as a we work as a pair. That's time. It's
just clearly a job for just one person. So if

(21:18):
one of you could leave, Look, if you want, this
is your teeth on the floor here. They look like
thank you. I couldn't find those. Do look like James's teeth? Huh? Weird? Okay?
That look on the inside inside a insignia on the
belt you see that. Oh my god, dude, that's James insignia. James,

(21:41):
one of you. I need one of you. Could you
to help me with the splendor and put your hands
just reach into the splendor here on my hands. My
hands aren't letting me get to the end. Then that
if you're going to fix the blender. Ah, my friend,
my little gray cells, tell me that three a Apple
is another impartment entirely I suggesting we're in the wrong buildings.

(22:06):
I think we may be in the room building. That's
something those reapples. Actually right, it's just the unit right
next door I can live. The walls are very thin.
I hear most of what he's going on. You know,
he's got a lot of Maybe we don't need to
talk to Mr Thompson. We can ask you what sort
of sounds of your cared coming from that place. A

(22:27):
lot of grunts and grounds. The guys always in the
kitchen cooking up things. But it never smells good, smells nasty,
messed up, and it does. It doesn't smell madame like.
It's the cooking of a human being. Yeah, I've never
could I've never done that. I couldn't tell you that,

(22:48):
but if I did have to decipher Roddy flash and
my boyfriend up, my boyfriend's awake, Oh my god, it's
so embarrassing. Oh well, we don't want to stop you
from throwing it in, as you said earlier, so good
luck with that. We hope it worked out, Montly, and
really throw it in at this point in my life,

(23:11):
you know, or else I'm not gonna feel its think
it's a big target. It's a big target. Maybe we
got to move out of three CS and cat. We
gotta move out of here. Do you hear them over
there trying to kiss a little kiss. They're trying to
kiss a little kiss, and I'm over here trying to
read a book. Not because you care about that. I'm

(23:34):
talking about of you babies. Go ahead. I don't know
why we don't kiss a little kiss anymore ourselves. I agree,
I mean, you should just kiss a little kill. Look,
your job is to watch us do or not do
whatever we're going to do. Your job is to not
chime in on where that we should kiss you. I
think we should change those rules. Then I agree. Oh okay,

(24:03):
well it is not the thropple and three scats that
they are. They are totally innocent, that that is true. Yeah,
we can rule them out for sure. We can't rule
them out. To my friend, let's make sure we have
the same building as we thought we did. But this
is a scene. This is being this one. Maybe this
is a and then the next one would be a apple?

(24:25):
Is that right? Yes? Yes, this is how the alphabet goals. Right. Okay, Well,
if you want to knock and started, maybe I gotta
show all off kill to go ahead. Please be my gig,
all right, knock, knock, knock. Oh oh, well, well, well
if it isn't measured or sorry to disturb you. My

(24:49):
friend here had a couple of questions. I'm just gonna stand. Oh,
I could ask your questions. Okay, a question, Okay, go ahead.
This is first question. I am a Cuba. Oh. Many
people think I am French, but I am, of course
Beljean ni obviously uh. And knowing that I have a

(25:14):
very very distinct skills in the olfactory area, I smell
the distinct smell of human being cooking. No, no, no,
I was I was burning my nail clippings. I was
getting rid of my nail clippings. This is a plausible explanation.

(25:34):
Although I have found that skin, it is the largest organ,
of course, smells very different than what you call your nails.
Oh yeah, but sometimes when I cut my nails, I
cut so far that some of the skin comes with it.
It's as simple as that. It's just a little bit
of skin on the nails. Could we take a look

(25:56):
in your oven your mind? Don't just be a mom
I sir, I mean I could go back to the
station and get a warrant to face what you're a
h Please don't. We'll be We're just put our heads
in the oven. Look around a little bit. We can
both put a minute the same time. I don't think

(26:17):
that will be a problem. If you guys have finished
arguing out there, who's gonna talk when they come in
and speak to me? Detectives. I'm ready, Yeah, I know
he's got it, Captain gun What do you mean? What
do you pulled on a second? You said you were
going to talk the guys. If you don't have it
down yet, I'm happy to wait until you guys know

(26:38):
who's captain. We're ready. We're to step on it. Face
you do it, guys, for real, for real, This is
how it works. If you're not ready to come in
and talk. Ready, Captain, we were ready to go. Okay,
here's the problem. Or at the apartments, so to speak.

(26:58):
Two of our best texts have gone miss hold on it,
so to speak. It's not so they might be condos,
so to speak. Hercule and colam they're not uh, they're
not asking their phones at all. Oh my god, I know.
Maybe they just can't find their phone. Captain. We've been

(27:20):
over this before. Sometimes now that these guys are idiots.
Maybe not, but I don't want any more guesswork. He
doesn't use anything modern. He loves to live in the past.
And I'm not here to discuss the men you're factoring
of evidence or the way they do things. What I'm
here to say is two of our finest are gone.

(27:42):
I mean you too, to go figure out what the
hell is going on? Could we also be considered two
of our finest? Captain just before we head out? Uh yeah, yeah, said,
we're gonna do this. Call me on my cell phone. Sure, Hello?

(28:04):
What's everybody now doing over here at this hour? You
know I have a boyfriend. You know. We're not here
to solicit a little kids hugging a little hug, touching
a little touch, poking a little pole. Who are you
throwing it in? Man? What the fuck? Yeah? I was, Yeah,
we were throwing it in. We had to do. We

(28:27):
have to or else it's never going to get in there.
You gotta do it with gusto. Okay, you don't got
to dip down with the rust, all right, So um,
come on, I gotta show you a little bit. It's
fine man, all right. So let's just see we're looking
for two detectives that might have been around here. Columb
and Hercule. Oh yeah, sure, I saw two detectives can't

(28:49):
talk to me and they were absolutely they were long
ago along ago. Was that what you said? Gosh? Maybe
three fucks ago? Maybe three? Not the same too? Who
you know? It's a good time. C three comes from

(29:11):
some listener Dan, who wrote, Hey, Kevin, sometimes my mind
wanders at work and wonder to myself if I send
them an email where they really have to improvise any
crazy idea that I have. I happened across such an
idea and couldn't hold back during a frat hazing some
pledges wake up at a furry convention. I'm ready to

(29:34):
hear some mere magic yours, Dan, Oh, what's happening? I
haven't shut up? All right, fly folded right now, and yeah,
cross com bag on your head, all right. I can't breathe.
I can't breathe. All right, let's take off. You know.
If she can talk, if you can talk, you can breathe. Okay,

(29:56):
all right, Well what's happening? But what's happening? So keep
on your head? So? Uh do you want to do this? No?
I don't want to do this, but I don't want
them to do the head. Did you take the bag
off your head when you were getting brought it? I
wouldn't have bags when I was in college. What never?

(30:19):
Can we just get a stay on the point, Okay,
I don't think Okay, okay, sorry, I had bags when
I got I'm taking the bag off, I'm taking Oh
my god, she's fucking dead, dude, She's not dead, just dead,
Oh my god. Oh okay, okay, uh oh, I know
what to do. Try mouth to mouth. No, okay, get

(30:42):
in there, throw it in. No, we just okay, look,
we just gotta accept that she's dead. All right. We
just gotta accept that she's dead. She's part of the pledge. Okay, deeck.
You know you're a twentieth year senior. You know I've
been Yeah, you've been here longer than I've been Dean,
all right, and uh, you know I know that Pledge

(31:03):
Week is what you live for. And you you take
one three credit class a semester just so you can,
you know, stay in the frat. Uh. And and now
that you're this is some sort of co ed frat
that that you're initiating people into what what's what's going on?
What do you mean what's going on it's called the
future Dean. And also I just want to say um

(31:26):
for Thanksgiving this year. Uh, like, I know you're you
know you're you and my daughter are kind of on
the rocks right now. But yes, I mean the fact
that you're my stepdad makes all this more awkward. Alright, Die,
I just want you to know that we're we're happy
to you know, do it at our house. So we're

(31:48):
doing it here at the frat house. So but anyway,
I don't I don't want to have thanks Giving at
the frat house, Okay, to start later, and yeah, I
can't pledge a lady now, all right, fine, I I
think that that actually is, you know, encouraging. And maybe
you don't open your desk because someone might have taken

(32:10):
his ship and all your drawers. Oh, come on, you're
fifty three years old, grow up. Okay, yes, there's a
ship in my desk. You're happy now, you just get deeked.
I've been deeked more than enough times, okay, And uh, look,

(32:34):
we need to have some vegetarian options that Thanksgiving this
year fucking way, yes, Like I'm not gonna eat your
fried tur ducan. It's so fucking good you're gonna love it.
You're gonna it's all right. But Allison is mostly vegetarian now,
so I think we're just gonna concentrate on size. It's
all the bullshit you're putting in her head. She used

(32:56):
to eat meat. Okay, Hi deck Uh, let you pick
up the phone please. This is your doctor. This is
from Sherman Doctor in Center. Hi deeck, Hi, how buddy.
Uh you came in two weeks ago for a full physical.

(33:18):
Uh and uh, first of all, everything looks good. We
did not get your fecal samples back. You just send
an empty bag of air. Yeah, kind of unloading. Gonna
unloaded on my son in law. That's that's information. Uh,

(33:41):
not necessarily anything. We just need to get your fecal
samples in so that no prop doc. I got a question. Yeah,
you think it's funked up if I drink beer and
smoke weed. It's a bit prematured. I mean a prematurity.
You a mature person just to be asking a doctor

(34:03):
that I'm a doctor. I'm a medical doctor of medicine.
But just bring that fecal samples by as soon as
you're able to make them, could you? No prob no,
please treat me with a little bit of respect. I
have a doctorate in doctorism, Babe. I just I don't
want to tell my dad that we're pregnant. I just don't.

(34:27):
I mean, he's going to be a granddad. I mean,
he's gonna want to know that, right. It's more do
I want, you know, do I want to submit my
child to that. It's it's boundaries and it's a personal choice.
And honestly, I don't think he'd noticed, like, yes, I'm

(34:48):
seven months, very much so showing. I just don't think
you noticed. Now. I think you're right, he's oblivious to
most things. I mean he's been the entire your entire life.
He's been going to college, he's been a frat bro.
Growing up in that house was scarring, to say the lead.

(35:09):
I don't even understand how does he make money? Like,
how is how is how was money coming in? You know,
his parents died when he was twenty one, and that's
exactly at the same time that his trust fund came
into place, so he just got bombarded with cash. All right, Well,
thanks for coming in. I appreciate that, and again, sorry

(35:29):
for your loss. Um. I just wanted to let you
know that the trust fund kicks in now that you've
turned twenty one, and so I'm just curious what your
plans are as well be managing those funds. Uh for
right now? I don't know, I think, Um, I mean,
you're in college, You're supposed to be graduating soon. I'm
just curious what the future holds for you. Ah well, Um,

(35:54):
I was thinking maybe um traveling the world, trying to
find enlightenment in peace? Right, Bruce, Wayne, listen, we're here
to help. We take our jobs seriously. So you tell
us what you'd like to do and we'll try to
help make that up. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I

(36:16):
guess stay in college, get fucked up. N I'm sorry
to interrupt. I'm going to take an early lunch break.
When I stepped away from my desk a moment ago,
someone put a steamer in my desk drawer and I
just need to go clear my mind and take a break.
Can I bring anything back from the from the Sfteria

(36:38):
Sandwich place where they makes the sandwiches? Yes, Cafteria, Yes,
sorry you lost me at the fecal sample. Is that
what they left at you? They left a steaming hunk
of fecal matter in my desk, and I just need
a sandwich to clear my mind. And you don't have
any idea who that might have come. No, No, I
stepped away for just a moment, Hi, sir, I stepped
away for just a moment, right, Okay, yeah, give me

(37:00):
uh if they have any chili, I'll take the chili
they have. They have chili. Okay, Why do you want
me to take a dump in this bag? Deeke? I
just need it for a dog sample. Just do it.
Don't be an ass. I mean it's pretty probably you
about to do it. But all right, I already dumped
my load. Okay, Okay, okay, Jesus, did you rip the bag? God?

(37:26):
Damn dude, I'm gonna get another bag. Man, I gotta
get another. Stop going, I gotta get another day. I can't. Yeah, deck,
What's what's going on here? Man? What you gonna not? Look,

(37:49):
there's been some complaints about you projecting porn movies on
the side of the cigap house. Okay, you're having a
regular Andrew Montgomery Film Festival. I figure it's the only
action they can get. Okay, Look, you can't. It's it's offensive,
all right. You can't project porn on the side of
your building. Can you give me that bag? This bag here,

(38:14):
oh Jesus heavy, just digging your hand into it? Put
put my hand right in there. Okay, Oh I got
de whoa? Where am I? What's happening? What? There's a
bunch of very costume Is this heaven? Wait? You're you're

(38:39):
at a very convention? Manor welcome? Yeah? Man, we made
it through. I know over my head and I was
not breathing. Well, we brought you back to life. Yeah,
you're gonna be okay, Thank you. You're gonna be okay. Welcome, welcome,

(39:00):
very custom. But you're gonna be okay. Oh oh, whoa?
And I'm and I'm dressed like Pikachu. This is wow. Yeah,
I'm dressed like a Wolf of the bob Tail. Welcome, Welcome.
What happens to Mr? Wolf? What do we do now? Well,
now that we know that you're okay, we can't very

(39:22):
well let let you go out and tell everybody else
about our secret convention here. Wait, what suppose we'll either
have to stay or that's your only option? Your options
are you have to stay? Okay, scratch with us, scritch
with you. We'll scritch you if you scratch us back. Okay,

(39:43):
how does that work? I mean, before I can say
yes or no. I think it would be helpful to
know what it is I'm scratching you now getting scritched. Jesus,
Dina was a prank. Okay, Allison was supposed to wake up.
But she's gonna be in the friend all right. I
don't know where the hell is now. You're trying to

(40:04):
asreciate your own daughter into your frats. She doesn't want
to be a part of it, Deac, she doesn't. And
you're gonna be a grandfather there. I said it. You
didn't notice when you put her in a bag that
she seven months pregnant. What do you mean what you're

(40:25):
trying to do? I'm not gonna graduate. Yeah, maybe maybe
one of the classes you never took his basic biology? Okay,
because she's having my child, Oh my god, and we'd
like you to be a part of our child's life.
Oh my god. I just can't help but thinking that's
somewhere along the way that there was a deeper, more
philosophical deacon there. Uh, bro, you know there's no grampus

(40:51):
allowed in the frat ship. That's one of the frat
by laws that you wrote yourself. Deak, Well, then it's
just that means then I'm not going to be a grandpa, doin.
I gotta talk to you, Okay, Well, listen, I know

(41:13):
that I've only had a campus security and I'm not
supposed to be making any kind of vigilante your arrests
or anything. But i gotta tell you we've got women
dropping like flies around this campus. First Clutch Tina, then Alice,
and people are going missing, people are dying, and and
no one seems to be given any any cheese about it.
I want your permission to make some vigilante arrests. And yes,

(41:35):
I have a taser permission. Granted that was extreme. I
was ready to come in goneto blazing. I thought you
were gonna shut me down. No, you can taste up
to the point of death. WHOA, I gotta thinking of
the same target? Are we thinking of the same time?
I mean, I've got to have some investigations to do.

(41:56):
I mean, I definitely want to make sure that I
am targeting the right person before I taste to the
point of death. Knock, knock, knock. I have a special
delivery for the Dean. Hey, I didn't ask you to
come in, Deek Deep, what do you mean, I'm just
a puture delivery guy. Okay, you've got to You've got
a ridiculous mustache on. It's obviously you. Here's just take

(42:19):
a bite. Well, I am kind of hungry. Oh come on, Deep,
I should have noticed the box was right around your waist. Okay, Well,
this is Mitchell, the head of our campus security. This

(42:41):
is my my step my stepdad, Deek. Hey, de nice
to meet you. I'd love to ask you some questions
once I have my two detectives here. I've I've if
it's okay with you, Dean, I did outsource some detective
work because I'm here for the vigilantea right, But I'm
not here for the actual investigation. That's that's beyond my

(43:04):
the investigation questions. So we're about ready to just start
grilling people. Okay, you're the detective. I'm one of them, okay,
and I'm the other one. So let's start the grilling,
shall we. All Right, they're here, there's your right now,
and they're ready to go. Okay, great, can you start

(43:25):
with this subject right here? Oh geez, what do you say?
It's just taking a pizza box is what it is.
It's a dick in a pizza box and a pizza box. Okay,
that one. Thanks to see if we can see if
we can ask you a couple of questions they get
us there. Hey, how did you have to uh to

(43:46):
get your dick in a pizza box? Well, it took
a while, but I figured it out. You just cut
a hole and then you stuff crusted it. Okay, okay, okay,
I actually have other campus business to get to. By
the way of my time is taken up with deep

(44:06):
related issues. Just a moment, sare before you leave? Can
I ask one question? Did you, in fact how close
did you get to the penish in the book? Okay?
First of all, I'm not leaving. This is my office, right.
I took you literally when you said you had to go. Okay,
I have to attend to other business. But how close

(44:27):
did I get? I grabbed it thinking I was grabbing
a slice of pepperoni. All right, and you've had pepperoni
pizza pet Yes, yes, I have direct the train here
because we need to do some investigating about all the
women who are missing on this campus. I mean, let's listen,
but listen to listen to what's happening. He grabbed the

(44:49):
piece of pepperoni that was penichet. That's weird, right, So
it's it's blamed the victim. Huh wow, I'm to blame
because I open a pizza box thinking a hot pizza
body in there. And that's exactly why being a fur
you so special. Well, yeah, and we really think you'd

(45:10):
do good to be here. I mean, we have a
fantastic support system to be able to raise your kid here.
It's just I've been here for three days now and
you guys haven't given me any food or anything. Oh,
we forgot literally literally forgot it intentional. We don't know
what happened me about your community for so long, and
I get it now, and you know I'm here. I'm here,

(45:33):
but I'm hungry. What a what a Pikachu's eat? I mean,
I know what a wolf eats, I know what a
lion eats a cat, I don't know what a Pikachu eats. Burritos.
If you guys have burritos, Pika Pikachu will eat some
delivers place we can get there. We can get barritos

(45:57):
in from this. We can do that delivery. Can you guys,
get a penis pie. Penis pie, Yeah, to pick up.
This is the doctor's office. Hi, we got the full
back sample that you sent in. My little stamp on

(46:20):
there and are addressed on that big leaking bag. Your
poop looks absolutely fine. By the way, you're clear to
get the insurance. We were a little bit concerned about
your Your penis is starting to u good little pepperonious
looking towards the end. So we don't think there's anything
to worry about now. But come back in fifteen years,

(46:42):
maybe when you're a sophomore. We'll take another look at
that for you. Chill. No, no, I'm not upset about
it at all. Dec I'm just telling you relaxed, dude. No,
I'm not upset. I'm just a doctor giving information. I'm
just then you know you're all clear and good to go.
I'll never become a doctor when I graduate. I'm probably

(47:02):
going a skateboarder. Okay, that everybody gets there. I'm very
indifferent about your future. Deck. I just really need to
get off the phone right now. Hell yeah, all right,
I'll come over. No no need to literally, no need.
This was a phone call. This was like a verbal
coming over. That you just did good. We'd do you

(47:23):
want to pick me up? Or well, well, I'll go
around and say what we're thankful for. I'm sure if
Alison was here she'd be participating. Uh, but I'm I
guess I'm thankful for the opportunity to be around uh
friends and family and uh and in laws and deck

(47:50):
you want to go. Yeah. First of all, I want
to say thank you to the High Life for making
such a badass beer. Second, I want to say I'm
super thankful that Dean is here. Uh, we're able to
bury the hatchet for the holidays and stay what we're thankful.
My name is Jeff, by the way, Dean is my title.

(48:14):
You've never learned that. Wow? All right? Uh, maybe he's
had too many highlights. But I am still glad that
Jin is here and that we're able to hang out
and do this. And I'm also just want to stay
from the bottom of my heart that you know I

(48:40):
really love you, all right, I love you too. I'm
talking to the high Life. He got deep time. Who
let's thank all of our come starting with Jackiegnzala. Thank

(49:01):
you so much, Jackie, right to see you as always
going direct, folks, any particular place to. I mean, you
can find me, you can find me, and that's that's
that's where you can find me right now. Thank you.
See in the backyard and about twenty James Heeney, thank

(49:23):
you so damn much. Thank you for thanking me. It's
been a pleasure. Uh, the real James Heeney on Instagram.
Go ahead and check it out, and don't forget alchemy
this pod on Reddit and uh you can find out
every episode, who's in it, get a little updated there.

(49:43):
It's really great cool. Thanks sweet sweet reddit plug. Gary,
thank you so much. Thank you guys, thank you for
letting me be a part of this on the internet.
On Instagram at Gary Anthony Williams. I got a new
cartoon coming up test that call the Harper House. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I have a podcast out there because I'm literally I

(50:06):
think this is the first podcast ever done. It's called
Day Drinking with Gary and Elliott. Two episodes soon, but
you can check out some of the archived ones right now.
Get at it, folks. Craig Kakowski, welcome back to this
side of the country and so nice to have you.

(50:27):
It's nice to be in the same time zone again.
I don't have to learn two times. Uh yeah, at
Kikowski on Twitter, Seek Kikowski on Instagram. I miss spoke
last time. I guess I have closer to four thousand followers,
so thanks. Not too shabby, Joey. You know it. Everyone's

(50:48):
thinking it, so let's just get to it. I'm on TikTok.
I've been doing it for a second. I don't know
how I feel about it. I don't know what it's
hurting me in, but we'll find out in the coming weeks.
Check me out of Gobless Jim Chump and I'll so.
If you really want to know what's going on, Alchemy
this on Instagram, check it out. Check it out now.
All right, let's thank our engineering at the stars, Mr Doug.

(51:11):
Folks that I heard media. It's Kevin Pollock thanking each
and every damn one. If you please tell everyone you've
ever met about us, and we look forward to seeing
you next time on