November 1, 2018 • 46 mins
Mark Zuckerberg has decided to step down, but wants to control who replaces him. Several people are stuck at a motor lodge, when a fella arrives for the night, and a Honeymoon couple stroll a boardwalk looking at the various wares.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to Alchemy this Yes, I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Oh,
that's right, that Kevin Pollock. Was that the one from
the other night, Ladies and Jews. Over the years, I've
been annoyingly lucky to see my fair share of true alchemy.
By definition, alchemy is quote when a person creates something
through a seemingly magical process. Well, citizens of the world.
(00:23):
Like I said, I've been witnessed to the stuff on
several occasions. An example, you asked, all right, sure, let
us tomato, a pickle, and a bun. Didn't come together
from a script or a think tank. You dig that
shit was designed in heaven. Speaking of which, not too
long ago, the idea hit me. What if I brought
together the right creative people and asked them to make
(00:44):
a shit up based on my own twisted, demented ideas,
then offered a podcast of this seemingly magical process. Why
I could call it alchemy this time? And I'm not
fucking around. Well, after a bit of title tankering, I'm
so very proud to welcome you, dear friends to another
episode of Alchemy. There, let's meet our alchemists, shall we?
(01:04):
In no particular order, say Hello to Joey Greer Greer today,
gone tomorrow. What's your favorite shade of pale? Oh? Uh neutral? Sure, perfect, Jesus,
put on your danceing shoe because we've got Vanessa Raglan Vanessa,
who was your best pal? Grown up? Sarah Ziegler, Love
you girl? That's correct. Up, Chris Alvarado, Time, Christopher, did
(01:28):
we really land on the moon in sixty eight? Come on?
Of course it was sixty nine? Well why not? Some
great Kokowski while we're out at cacoun do you remember
who framed Roger Rabbit? It was a tune of some kind.
I hate all those tunes. Correct, continue last, but I'll
punch you right in this now if you're think him late.
It's James Heny. James. Can I call you Connie Stephens?
(01:50):
That's a woman's name. Sure, I prefer maybe Connor. All right,
Connor Stephens it is. Let's get to our first scene,
shall we. Sorry, I had a smaller version of me
in my throat. First. Up. Mark Zuckelberg Today, played by
Joey Zuckelberg, is stepping down. But first he's meeting with
(02:13):
several candidates, one at a time to see who will
take his place. We take you to Mark's office, which
is just shy the size of Kansas City, Missouri. I
told you to keep the orange rides on, please, I tried. Okay, well,
(02:33):
they were just peeling away from the flash of the orange. Mark.
I can't keep everything together around here. We better keep
something together. Don't talk to me like that. Forgive me.
I do love you too. I'll go under the desk.
Thank you, Mark, I'm here for my interview. It's me wary,
(02:57):
I know. Larry, come in. Uh oh wow, you've got
such a nice office. How are these books real? Yes,
they're all glass, Larry. Yeah. As you know, I'm stepping
down from Facebook and because of that, someone needs to
stand in my stead. So with that being as it is,
(03:19):
i'd like to see if you might be a candidate
for that position. Oh my gosh, i'd love the Mark. Yeah, yes,
I'll take it. Well, no, Larry, it's I'm not just
giving it right now. Oh, several candidates for this position
or I'm sure there's probably a lot of people that
want it. There is a lot of people that want it. Okay,
(03:41):
what do I gotta do? Well? Number one? How many
jumping jacks can you do? Endurance is a critical part
of this position. Jeez, I could do them right now.
But okay, here coour Okay, I'm doing them with you. Okay.
I mean I could do this for a long time, Martin,
do it for a long time too. Can you go?
(04:03):
Can you keep up? Okay, I gotta stop. I couldn't
count while I was doing it. Oh that was good, Larry,
that was fantastic. Wow, you're sweating. Let me get that here.
Thank you. Oh wow, you brought your own houndkerchief. Oh yeah,
of course I did. Haven't had a dummy. I mean
sometimes I sweat when I get nervous, but I'm not
nervous around you. Mark. I appreciate that a lot of
(04:25):
people feel uncomfortable around me because of my energy. Mark.
Your next cand dame is here. Larry. Would you please
step outside away. I didn't even get to You're fine.
The endurance was enough. Oh, thank you. You'll be Uh.
I'll give you a message later. But there's a lot
of Okay, bye, it's cramped down here. Shut up, stop
peeling those oranges. Sorry forgive me. Hello. Hello, my name
(04:48):
is Connor Stevens. I am obviously American tech guru. Here
to uh interview for position of Facebook. Mister Stevens, your
reputation precedes you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. How
long have you loved me? How long have I loved you?
How long I have loved you? Since the Facebook first
(05:10):
came out? Fantastic? We never that was. I mean, I
am American and I've been here the whole time, so
of course of course I went to American school Boston accent.
If I could try to locate the region you're from, yeah, yeah,
I'm from Boston area, right, you know, South Boston. I'm
a southee. Mister, mister Stevens, that there is Stevens Connor,
(05:35):
Stephen Stevens. Excuse me. The security privacy is something that
we really are loose about here. Okay, It's something that
this is red job for me. I'm hoping so obviously
you know that I need to step down for reasons
that the press are making bigger than I believe are.
It is fat news, it is fact news, and because
of that, I need someone else to fill this position.
(05:58):
I'd be happy to is the uh, oh, you still
have all the data. I'll have all the Americans all
the data. Something that I'd love to do is draw sorry,
shut off something that I love? What's going on down there?
Mister Stevenson, please Stevens, yes, sir, please please, can we
(06:18):
just focus on task at hand. I need to fill
this position, and I'd hate to put someone in there
who's not ready for the job. I am totally ready
for a job, are you? Yes? What happens if four
hundred lizards were let loose on the data processing floor?
Four hundred? Oh dear god, what's get these lizards out
of here? What the fuck is happening? Exactly? Mister Stephenson,
(06:39):
what would you do? I'll kill you. I'll kill you Zuckerberg.
I love it. I love it. Mark you're here, Thank
you so much. Mister Stevenson. Please wait out in the
bean bags. Okay, good day. I'm sorry if my hair tickled? Year?
Can you please do that more? Absolutely? Bye? Bye? Hello,
it's that Mark. How do you do? Good man? Tyler,
(07:02):
let's cut right to it. Okay, you're giving me this job, Tyler.
You know I can't do. You're giving me this fucking job. Tyler. Please,
this isn't high school. Please, gud. I know all your
fucking secrets. I know you're a fucking dork. Tyler and
you're giving me this turn around? Taylor, who the fight out?
(07:27):
I feel like I'm bleeding internally. What's going on? You
should be? Do you want me to do another one?
Of course I do. No one threatens my boss slash
lover Christina table, Thank you very much. P s. Mister Zuckerberg.
I'll take that position now. There's still a lot of
(07:48):
lizards here. Mister Stevens, and please wait in I mean Stevens,
you Coolovich Stevens, You Colovich Stevens, you Coolovitch Stevens. Christina,
run a name processing right now. I want to see
and in the database, your Coolovich Stevenson. See if those
names cross reference. I'm pulling up fifteen, all of them
located in North Boston. Interesting. Oh oh, yes, that's what
(08:14):
that means, North Boston. I'm a Southey who moved to
North Boston. So do you identify as North or South?
Identify as both? I mean it gon to be a
big deal around there. Where are you from? Right? Go
Celtics anyway? Yes, Go Celtics, Go Celtics, Go Celtics. I'm
I'm still alive. Tyler, give me the fucking j Tyler stop,
(08:43):
thank you? She is very dangerous to have some deity
formidable at your right end. Always I'm hoping to pass
her along to whoever takes this position. I'll be taking
the position, possibly, Mark Larry, Would you mind stepping back in? Okay?
I was. I had my ear to the door, and
I was worried that the lad the lizards, we're gonna
get out. I'm glad that they didn't. If you can't
(09:05):
handle lizard, you'll never be able to handle this position. Wow.
Oh geez, are you bleeding internally? I don't know, but
there's certainly swelling. Oh, your body is strong. Oh you
don't mind if I start drinking some ice cold borshed,
do you? Of course not? Okay, it smells horrible. It's
just it's just beats and garlic that is strong. Come in,
(09:30):
Hey probably didn't expect to see me. It's the guy
who started my space. How are you, Tom? Tom? I
refer to myself as the guy who started my space. Here,
you're having some problems. Why won't you look at us
directly in the face. He's just side eyeing us. I'm
pointing over my back to let you know you're out
of here. Do you have to wheel that computer in
(09:51):
with you. Yeah, we know what the profile pick looks like.
Look at this. You can add music now, that's that's great. Tom. Look,
we're trying to fill a position that actually matters you, okay,
for a website that people love and use? Is that
a dead body? Almost? Yes, I've actually been working at
(10:11):
Facebook for a long time, so I think I've earned it.
And plus Mark, one of these people in the room
is a Russian spy. Wait, I know you. I know you.
(10:34):
You're both from Boston. I am from North I am
also from North. Wait, you were from the South and
then you move north. That's right, of course. I mean
my story is consistent X four two zero one j
j O K. He's just saying numbers doesn't know what
(10:56):
you're doing. Tom, Tom, Tom, come on, okay, we let
you in the building. You can have all the time.
I broke you. I broke you, Okay, Okay, Tom, all right,
you broke in. That's you did it. You had all
the dolly and everything you can, all the treats you want. Okay,
those are for free for everybody. That's right. That's right.
I'm a Russian spy. Okay, Tom, all right, Tom, cool,
(11:19):
you believe me, right, yes for sure that I think
I have a boy clott in my throat. My throat
is really swelling fast, Larry, just sit with it, all right,
all right? Mark? Do I have the job or not?
I don't know. I need one more test anything. I'm
thinking of a number one. You got it? Tom is
(11:42):
now the new head of Facebook. Okay, way the gold Dmitri,
I mean Tom from my space. No, you already know.
I told you I'm a Russian spot right right? Yeah? Cool?
I will take over. Well, what are your plans? But? Oh? Wow? Wow?
What am I planing? What are you gonna do? I'm
opening a dojo? Wow, I've been so caught up with
(12:04):
who's going to fill this position? I haven't thought about
what I'm going to have to sit down? I'm sorry?
What am I gonna do? I guess I could start face?
But no, that's taking your Are you taking your hoodie off? Yeah?
I want to feel the wind on top of my head.
That's a lot of tattoos. Jesus, boy, he is cut.
(12:28):
Do you feel the heat? Don't jump? Please? Don't jump.
I think I can fly. You definitely can't fly. Mark, Wait,
I recognize this R two four six two two j
J J J J JJ. I know it. He's a
lizard man. I'm a lizard man. Get out of my mouth.
(12:50):
Get out of my mouth. That's a warm in your mouth.
And I'll let you destroy each other. I'm Tom. I'm Tom.
Though I'm Tom. I don't think you're Tom. I think
you have a lizard man inside of courts. Well, just
a typical day and Facebook. Let's shoot on over across
(13:16):
town shall I? Oh my god? Just off Highway twenty two.
It's Carl's Motor Lave, A fine place to rest your
weary head for the night. Behind the camera waiting to
register folks from all over there's Timmy. You want a room?
Yes please, I'd like to stay here overnight. You look
(13:37):
like you from around here. I'm not I'm traveling, shoutsman,
I'm just passing. Look all right, So usually we rent
out by the hour, but I assume you want to
stay overnight. I wanted to talk to you about that.
If I were to have my girlfriend visit me for
one to two hours, is would that be a problem? Look,
(13:59):
let me turn this camera up really quick. Right, let's
cut straight. She's the prostitute, right, feelings for each other? Well,
there certing her feelings? Are you I take care of her?
You do? Yeah? I pay for her rent. Wait a second,
(14:23):
Wait a second. Are you from out of town? Yes,
I'm a traveling salesman. Then how do you does she
come with you on your travels? I see the problem. Huh,
you're in the hell whatever here, it's not sound kind
of weird. Whatever y'all got got right on. I don't
think this is that important. I have this. I can
(14:45):
handle the thought. I'd come out on the floor manager,
I manage the floor. Well, did you play fifteen dollars
extrause the room? Can come with a bird that can
play up the five thing? No, thank you. You can
also have that for free. We have birds and most.
Now that the cameras off, I have something to get
off my chest. What is that thing? Is in a mole?
(15:08):
I was noticing in it? Oh? This is a This
is just a necklace. I'll off, but I have something
to say. Necklace looks like a mole to me. It's
a stone. It's a stone. I'm I'm a married man.
Oh no, congratulations to her. I'm sir. Once a year
I meet this woman here at this hotel. I've never
(15:31):
seen you but I'll take your room for it. I
get a lot of people through here. Yeah, I've never
seen you either. Well, I can't on intally say if
I've seen you or not, because it's a medical to
eat you. So my recall is not what it used
to be. Just give me a room please with a bird.
No room, I mean no bird, no bird, one room,
(15:57):
no bird smoking? Please? Please? Is it taking a cup?
You gotta tell me if you're a cup, that's not true.
First of all, you do take your top, bar, you
gotta tell us, good girl? Okay, wait, take my top off?
If you're wired, honey, if I was a cop, I
don't think I come in here with a wire. But
(16:17):
here sure, Look they're happy. There's the moles on who
they was under? There also a necklace. Where's the beef?
A good girl feed her meat? Don't you want us
to put rose petals or some sort of romance on
top of the bed before y'all might love only? I
just want to keep room one twelve if it's available.
(16:38):
Do you want any beef? Where's the beef? Thank you? Sweethearts? Kids? Mama,
is there an issue? What's the issue? The issue? You
want your room with a side of beef the lovers special. No,
thank you? Okay, that was not hard. You gotta tell
us one room, no bird, no one room coming up?
(17:04):
I room, no bird, no beef coming up. You want stairs?
I want room one twelve. So that's in the first one.
That's a pretty specific room. It's where I don't love
if we have cleaned that, I don't care. I need
room one twelve. All right, Well, I'm gonna have to
accompany you to the room. Why what is going on?
I want to see you? What's in there that's so special?
(17:25):
Come here? Get on my How do you get how
do you? Okay, make any money here? If you harass everything,
plenty of money. Don't worry about us. We're doing great. Okay,
you don't harass every customer. Just let the room. Not
every customer comes in and tell him us his little
horse is gonna be here. She's my girlfriend. Okay, once
to your girlfriend. Yes we married, man, that's right. Yes,
(17:46):
somebody will write a place. But bard no beef. You
got it clean on the fro? How much is it?
Here's my here's how charge it? Mister? Money bance? Okay, up,
there's a mole on your finger too covered in moles.
Let's disgusting. You're lucky you can get a room with
(18:09):
the bird because birds. You gotta tell us off your
flesh charging. Thank you so much. Oh who's here? High
casey sisters are here? Oh gosh, I hope you don't mind.
(18:30):
We bring on Rudu. He's coming in here. It's gonna
hunting them birds if we let him out. No bird,
no birds in your room. Welcome back, honey. Why you
got kick the house offmating and too much smiking there
to slate, like to slay down. You want beef beef,
(18:52):
Let's get a couple of arms length beef and then
hell just do twos. Why that room is quiet? Oh lord,
I'll go take care of Timmy. Can you finish this up?
Somebody's got to walk into the room one twelve, Tammy,
(19:13):
I was, I was already on my way to my room.
I am not I don't trust you. Somebody's got to
see what you're doing. Okay, Well miss ma'am sir, Well,
well that was not nice. I was not nice. That
was not note is a mystery. Would you mind walking
me into my room? Please? I would love to escort
(19:35):
you to your room. Get your hand off my back.
I can't not touch your back if I'm showing you
where your rooms, genius. Just move it. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy,
you can't. You can't. We can't do this. I'll come on.
We can't do this. Why we can? Horse, we can
It's all about want. No, it's just Timmy. Of course
(19:59):
I want to. Of course I want to, just so
you know, it gets weird. Get a whole bunch of meat.
We'll just do it on a meat bed. Where's the beef?
Is that beef on? Tim? Sometimes I feel like I
feel like Polly's gonna tell him as if when do it? Oh?
(20:19):
I know know this bird. I don't know that many words.
I don't know five sentences. Where's the beef for? I
know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. Some
another one. Come on now, I'm coming. She knows, she
knows that we're not supposed to be the good just
a bird of beat. Yeah, she don't know everything that
a human does. No, mister bird, we brought you into
(20:39):
the police station for some questioning. There was a horrific,
horrific crime committed on the night of March twenty sixth,
twenty eighteen. You were the only witness. Please state your name.
Brab Oh shit, I thought this was going to go better.
(21:00):
Let me see, let me see, let me see. What
did you see? All right? You gotta tell us? Okay, okay,
you got it? Tell us? Okay? Now can you can
you give me a name of somebody who was in
the room? Rob? Hey, y'all, I told you this wasn't
gonna work, Terry, Rob. Where's the beef? I think it's
(21:21):
all helpful. Where's the bee? First of all? Tell us?
When am I gonna get them a dang bird back? Okay,
you know what we're done here. I can take my
bird now. I know what you're doing out here. Hold on,
you know who who did what? Yeah? I know what
you're doing. Specifically thought your point a finger? I mean
a hey, y'all, Chris, okay, have a good day. They
(21:42):
rid of the bird. You're only a couple of humans
being rude to a bird. How does that make y'all
look like a couple of dummy where'd you get this bird?
I guess this bird? You tell me the Amazon Jungle, baby,
I take it that means Amazon dot com. No, No,
I went to the jungle. Actually Amazon Jungle. Tim birds.
(22:05):
I see, welcome through the alas on jungle. Wow, this
is nice. So so many like this. Now, how the
process works is the bird chooses you. You don't choose
the bird. A lot of them look all right, all right,
this this is getting just freaking out. They're coming down.
(22:26):
You must take them all, take them off. I don't
know if I can bring these back because they're spitting
at us. I don't mind it. I don't mind it
at all. I'm gonna wait in the jeep. Pardon me,
I asked her. A smoking room on twelve used to
be smoking, and now there's no smoking sign. Well, we're
not have any smoking in this in this state anymore.
(22:48):
We had to change all our rooms. I didn't know that. Yeah,
it's it's a new law. You have a hickey. Oh no, no,
it's not hickey, it's it's a bed bud bite. Very well, thanks,
uh oh, where are you going back into the room?
If you're gonna smoke a cigarette, you guys smoke out sign.
(23:09):
It's not for me. I don't smoke. I know what
you're doing. I asked for the room with no bird.
We have to have a bird in every room. That
was not clear. Well, birds are prop back about let's
see twenty four birds and they fight with each other.
So we have that one in every room. They don't
go home. Oh what this? Okay? Oh shoot, here comes
(23:35):
my girl now. Oh she's pretty. Hi baby, Hi honey.
Why what's with the no smoking sign? I'm working on that.
I'm working you. Look, I get you once a year.
I like that with a back of cigarettes. I brought him.
I brought them. I brought them marble reds those away.
You can's moving? I can hold them out, can't. I good?
(23:59):
She works here. Maybe I've missed you, missed you so much?
Is that a wedding ring you're wearing. It's not. I
don't believe you. It's because I'm lying. It's a wedding
ring I'm wearing. I'm we did since last we saw
(24:20):
each other. That doesn't change our year affair. No, it
does for me. Why you you have a whole life
without me? Isn't me? Once a year? That was the
way I liked it. I can still be that way.
But now I know you're with someone else that you
feel weird. We broke up. Oh okay, come on in
(24:41):
the room. Thanks smoky, Jesus Christ, Baby, keeping you keep
any address? Okay, yes, complimentary beef, blatant champagne. Where's the beef?
I ordered no beef. I understand complimentary beef playing. Where's
the beef? What's a bird doing in here? I also
(25:01):
ordered no bird. We got to put this other bird
in here. Careful, separate and they will fight. Jesus, they're attacking.
I gotta get out of you. Oh god, oh god,
no he comes dogs. Now? Can I shut this door?
I think you're out of eyes. They're just strong maybe maybe, Okay,
(25:26):
my eyes are pretty bloody. You don't they're out of
your socket. No, Oh, are you kidding me? Darling? I
know you're in there. Just open the door. Honey. We've
been married for less than a year. I can't believe
I found you here. This is your husband? Yes, no,
come on, honey, just old What the you hate birds?
(25:52):
You wouldn't let us get a bird? The dry balls out? Honey.
I'm not having a great day. I see I see you.
I can't believe you can't let me call nine one one?
Thank you? Hold on? Who's this guy? Who's an old friend?
I'm just what's the name, Just a friend, just a friend.
(26:13):
German that's right. This is fucked up. Can somebody help me?
Hold on, honey, they're on their way. I knew something
was fish from one twelve. Your birds? What? What? Or what?
You don't know you got more than two guests in here. No,
he just showed up. Oh yeah, just showed up. They
(26:35):
always just should. Problem. You're let the birds hang out together.
I know what you're doing. Somebody's got to put that
girl's ice back in her head. That's a big problem.
We got on our hands. We also got snigger. What
no smoking in your genius, We didn't smoke. Got your
(26:56):
little horse eyes. Believe my girlfriend, she also happens to
be a married will be now and she has no eyes.
I'm here. I'll put it back in your hand. They're
clean hands. I wash my hand. You got a hickey,
it's a bite. Okay. See, I guess we just wait
(27:18):
from the mom No, no, we don't just wait. No.
I use this moment to say something I've been meaning
to say to all of them. Everybody here. You've ruined.
You've got a little bigger and you know, don't get
your hands off of me. You the one special day
of the year I I look forward to I'm gonna
(27:41):
place this pillow over your head darkly. Everybody just shut up. Hey,
I did love her, but with those eyes out, I
put one of them back in. If the cops come
(28:01):
this dead body, it's only one of heart worries because
there's a bird code this state that we've been flagrantly breaking,
and there's a beef code. I could take a couple
of the birds. But she probably also think your dead wife. Yeah,
yeah right, they show us. I feel real bad about that.
This is a hickey from my from my sisters. All right,
(28:23):
police are here, Police are here. You answer some questions
my gun, and just up the road, apiece, don't you know?
(28:46):
San Diego Way, A honeymoon couple have somehow ventured out
of their hotel room. Finally, they stroll along the boardwalk,
discussing their wedding reception from a few days ago. Eventually,
they stop at several vendors along this time, book selling art,
homemade food and grafted items, books. Music. No, I'm serious,
(29:07):
you look more fautiful than you've ever booked. No, you
look more handsome than you look at me. Cher let
me I swear to God like I'm not kidding you
like this morning, you look like beautiful and right now
you look more beautiful you've ever looked. God, Mikey, it's
the San Diego Son. I swear to God, it's the
San Diego Son. I think it's wherever you walk. Oh
my god, key snow cos yes, yes, good man, you can.
(29:39):
We would love. It's okay, we would love, darling. What
flavor would you like? What flavor? The two flavors you've
got orange and diet. I guess we'll have two oranges.
Did you hear how she said that two oranges? She's
a poet everywhere. Four oranges just too just too us too,
(30:01):
that's missus. Mendelssohn to you. Gotta give you this syrup, okay,
just syrup in a little cup. Hot, it's hotful, Well past,
we'll past. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's like
even in those moments you make these decisions baby that
like I just follow my gut. You have the best cut.
You know what, when I saw your dad dancing on
(30:23):
the dance floor, I had this glimpse of what our
future is going to be. And I'm still going to
be really into you. Want I want. I want to
be a dad. By the way, hither folks, would you
like your beloved's name and grave gran of rice? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
really yeah, absolutely, that's amazing. Wow. So okay, Mikey, can
(30:55):
we just say mike or I'd like you to know
his given name is Mikey. What about just an m
I mean, oh man, Okay. Nobody said yes before I
have all these grains of rice, these carving tools. No, no,
no no, we said we'd do it like go on
my wrist, sir, stay here, you stay here, you're Mikey,
(31:20):
Mikey okay, m y k y, all right, okay, I've
already cut this grain of rice in half. I was
trained for this, it was it was about three years
ago though, so it's we're newlyweds. So oh, you could
just do one this as newlyweds or our wedding dates. Jesus, Jesus,
that's long. What was your wedding date? It was March
(31:42):
twenty six, twenty eighteen, only the best date I've three
six eighteen. Can we do it without the slashes or
do you think you would be clear if it was
just then? I don't. I think it would look sort
of bad without the hyphens, because it could look like
a cereal maker, taste maker, hyphens, that's what they're called.
Do you want to sure? Sure? It is twenty two
(32:05):
thousand followers. Oh wow, Yeah, that's done. I'm married up.
I'm married up for sure. We'll see what we can
do about that. I just want to be clear. It's
a grain of rice. It's just really small. I mean,
there's like the guy across the way has you can
get a photo taken, and you know, let's go do that. Okay,
(32:25):
thank thank god. Hold on, before we go any further.
I am. I need to tell you when you were
when you threw the bouquet the other night. Your arms
went up into the air and it was like you
were in like slow motion. And as your hands were
right above your head, I looked at you and I
(32:46):
was like, she's reaching for the heavens. And and then
I reached for the heavens. Do you know what I got? You? Sure,
let's get her. Let's our pictures taken? Oh? Hi, hey, hi,
(33:11):
so we could do a photograph. Where's your camera? Well,
here's the thing. It's not so it's how about we
do a picture that I draw? Why do you have
cats in your pocket? It's a cat it's one cat
in my pocket, miikey. No, no, no, no, no. I
(33:33):
usually do photographs. I'm great photographer. But today I've got
a special changing. What. No, what's happening to you? What
there's more than one cat in your pocket. There's two cats.
There's two cats. I lied. Your eyes are becoming bloodshot
right before very eyes. I'm just a little nervous. It's
(33:54):
just a little nervous. What's happening. Listen, Just sit down
really quick, quick, quick, quick. Okay, we're sitting. Okay, act
like you're getting your pictures drawn. What just do it?
Smile baby? Good? Wait? Wait? Why did you get freaked
out on that cop walk by? I'm not freaked out.
Just sit there are we accessories of officers. I'm not
(34:20):
a bit you your husband, I know she said that.
Somebody call me. No no, no, no no, no, no, no,
no no no no over here, officer. Hi, Hello, Hi,
we we just got married. Thank you, thank you. Let
the cat. Yes, where's a good cat? Cannot be on
the boardwalk. I don't have any cat. There's no cats
(34:41):
in pockets. All right, all right, I'm gonna go on
break all right, I'm gonna go on. Yeah, you didn't
fix the cat thing. Manu, it's it's union break. He
should take a break. He looks tired. Look, no cats
could be on the boardwalker. I agree. That's that's what
we're saying. I was asking us to take a picture
and then he was pushing us. And there's cats. And
(35:04):
he called me a bitch, called me a husband a bit. Look,
and there's cats on the borderwalk. It's a death penalty
to saying diego all right, Okay, that's what we're saying. Listen,
my my wife, who I love? What baby? Okay, there
are Mikeyay, this right, Mikey, this right, Mikey, there are
no cats. You have a good a good break, officer.
(35:26):
I gotta take this break, all right. Maybe this is
an important issue. We're both gonna die one day. What
I know you don't. I know you don't believe that,
and like I love that about you. But like one day,
I've got it. I got it. I did it. I
did it, Mike Keimondlson three twenty six eighteen. Oh, oh,
(35:50):
I did it? Where is it? Wait? Where I had it?
I think it fell out over there? Okay, okay, don't wait,
there are pelicans. You guys, get a wait by pelicans,
get away, sons of bitches. Oh they love rice, they
love rice, these pelicans. Oh god, my hand from the Amazon.
(36:13):
All right, you guys were moving around quite a bit.
So this picture is a little squiggly. We don't want it, sir.
It looks just like me. No, it was these two
two people's two people. It does kind of look like him.
It's weird. It looks just like him. Most of you too,
And you owe me for this character. No, it's him
and a grain of rice. It's a character of you guys.
So which one of us is the rice? What are
(36:35):
you talking about? One of them is a piece of rice,
and one of them is him. Picture. You are this nice, slender, thin,
straight guy, and you're the squiggly guy. Oh I'm the rice.
No it's you, it's not rice. How much twenty dollars dollars?
Twenty dollars. Okay, we will die, Thank you to die
(36:56):
in our vowels. You probably still love me forever and
forever it is eternal and forever doesn't have a death.
Can we work on a payment planned business? It's been
a little slow. And if you don't believe in death,
you never die This painting is not for you. This
is them. You can't have it. We don't want it.
I want I'll give you twenty bucks for it. I'm
just gonna tear it up. Oh no, I don't want
(37:20):
to keep fighting. This actually said even fighting to discussions. Fight. Okay,
why did you call it a fight? I didn't know.
Now we're fighting. We're fightingposas. Okay, san Diego. Let me
to rule my girl. Those those those papoosas you'll say,
(37:44):
oh really, two tow yes, okay, okay? And can we
have a veggie and a chicken? Veggie and the chicken okay,
keeps me healthy. She keeps me healthy. That's that. Okay. Well,
first I'm going to have to the oh all right,
the tortilla like thing. It's not a tortilla because yes, okay,
(38:09):
let me work on it. Nobody's ever ordered one before.
So okay, San Diego, this is gonna be weird, Cheryl.
But I did a little something, Mikey. I did a
little tiny thing. Did you do a Mikey, did you
pull a little thing? Cheryl? We're here to say days, no,
(38:30):
thank you, I love you and we wanted you. Okay,
And sweet gloves make gloves. We all loved you. At
some point, Cheryl hit it out one of you. Let
(38:55):
me know if you want the coltala and the hot
sauce on it, because Jesus. Now, Roger's got his personal
verse about the first time you guys met. When I
saw your feet, I thought to myself, how many how
I like your long toes in the way they hooked
on the ground, the ground, let the way your knees
(39:17):
slap the round town round. But I love you more
than I know, and I want you to leave your
husband forever. Me go to you right here in sand
diego to you, all right, Tyler take it away? There
(39:40):
you go, all right, Tyler's got a We're almost done
always men have loved you, baby. This feels aggressive all
my axes, but you haven't. You haven't heard. This is
more like a taco I hope that's cool. It's not
even quite like a tailcoat. This is just some ingredients soft.
It's a piece of bread with some and hot sauce.
(40:01):
You so much, babe? Can I at least sing you
my verse? Okay? So many men have been inside you.
Excite you? Okay, so many men excite you? Excited? Nothing
wrong with that. You chose me, and I feel good.
(40:27):
We're gonna live. We're gonna never die. We're gonna live forever. Baby,
But they're gonna wait. Okay, okay, I tried my best
to make a good papoosa. Put the gun down, Nick Love,
(40:50):
I did it. I did it. Oh yes, Oh check
out my handiwork. And I've got this greater Rice right
between these tweezers. Wait, it's a cat man. Yeah, yeah,
it's for you guys. C A T M A N.
Wait a second, I'm cat man. No, this is for them. No,
(41:13):
but but give me that. No. They asked to have
their name and grave to preserve their honeymoon. Man, everyone
on this boardwalks doors. I'm cat man. He's got cats
in his pocket. Yeah, but he denies it. Well, not
only when cops are round. And Rice guy gonna make
(41:34):
love to you. Cat man gonna make love to you.
I think. Maybe thank you, bab your dad gave it
to me. Hey, happy happy, happy marriage, happy marriage forever.
Maybe not, maybe you bring him the FuG me Roger.
(41:55):
All right, I'm not gonna I'm over Roger. Oh yes,
say it ain't so. Another wonderful episode of Alchemy this. Hmmm,
let's go around and thank our alchemists and see what's
going on in their neck of the word. James Heeny,
(42:17):
that's me. Talk to me, Pappy. Oh jeez, I keep
I'm just keeping on keeping on doing that YouTube thing.
And how are the T shirts coming along? Well I
haven't printed them, weird, but I'm still accepting money for it. Right. Well,
that's the that's the American way. Nice work. So check
you out on the YouTube. Yep, the real James Heini.
(42:37):
Oh nicely done, Venet. You had a hell of a
week a week oh my coming out for air. We
had Adam Sandler a Dynasty typewriter for four nights and
it was so dreamy shot for a Netflix a special. Yeah,
it was a dream and we've got so much other
wonderful things on the schedule. You can check it out
at Dynasty Typewriter dot com. Oh so very exciting. It's
(43:00):
one of the great theaters in Los Angeles. And thank
you for all that you and Jamie Flamm do anytime.
Thank you for your support. Alright, Joey Greer Halla, what
the hell? Check me out a Westside comedy theater. Bear
supply pretty pretty pony with these motherfuckers check it out. Okay,
people don't know where you're pointing. I mean, that's eater
of the mind, right, that's what I'm trying to help.
(43:24):
Who are the motherfuckers in question? Hone? That mind man
seemed like you were pointing it, Chris, Okay, cool, cool?
When is the next Pretty Pony by the first Monday
every month? Nicely done? And then Bear Supply second and
fourth Wednesday at nine west Side Comedy dot com is
the calendar and I'm in that, James that the Bear Supply.
(43:49):
It's gonna make Oh the RAPHI yell yeah, we'll get
to him. Craig Kokowski at Kowski on Twitter. Also, it's
in the craigs List podcast with this guy definitely bunny
at himself. Not about selling your old ship, it's about movies. Nice.
(44:10):
That's good news because they did some made some changes
to the other craigs List. That's right. I've been no
changes to mine. None, just my one hundred favorite movies. Sure,
none of which star Adam Sam. Do you remember number seventeen? Sure?
I believe it's The Apartment correct. Oh, how did you
get that? Son of a bitch? You're not wrong. Let's
(44:32):
slide on over to Chris Alvarado. Yeah, I'm jump on
Joey's back. That's right cool, Yeah, just on Wesley Comedy
dot Com. Actually, I performed there a lot. I teach
there at Bartender There. We a lot of us spend
our time there. It's a great place. It is truly love.
I hope that you don't miss this opportunity. We don't
know when this is, what the air date is, I
don't but you know, you had a little something special
(44:52):
and I would like to congratulate you on that on
your you're a damn fine fella. I mean, that's really
awesome and we love you. Season twenty nine, episode thirteen.
If you want to go through the arch of over
six hundred shows, one of them I was. I've been
starting from the beginning, so I'll get yeah, yeah, I've heard,
(45:13):
it's good. Please be seated. Let's go around and thank
you Raphael. Yeah, that's it. And Doug Bame our engineer.
Love him. So all the folks at how Stuff Works,
the wonderful network that's allowed us into the studio yet again,
(45:35):
jokes on them, I think, all right right to us,
won't you please at your name here at Alchemy This
dot com. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
We love to hear from you. Subscribe, write a review,
damn it, let people know. Tell everyone you've ever met.
That's all we're asking. I don't think it's too much.
(45:58):
We love you so and we'll see you next time.
Until then, An is always Alchemy as
Welcome back to Alchemy this Yes, I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Oh,
that's right, that Kevin Pollock. Was that the one from
the other night, Ladies and Jews. Over the years, I've
been annoyingly lucky to see my fair share of true alchemy.
By definition, alchemy is quote when a person creates something
through a seemingly magical process. Well, citizens of the world.
(00:23):
Like I said, I've been witnessed to the stuff on
several occasions. An example, you asked, all right, sure, let
us tomato, a pickle, and a bun. Didn't come together
from a script or a think tank. You dig that
shit was designed in heaven. Speaking of which, not too
long ago, the idea hit me. What if I brought
together the right creative people and asked them to make
(00:44):
a shit up based on my own twisted, demented ideas,
then offered a podcast of this seemingly magical process. Why
I could call it alchemy this time? And I'm not
fucking around. Well, after a bit of title tankering, I'm
so very proud to welcome you, dear friends to another
episode of Alchemy. There, let's meet our alchemists, shall we?
(01:04):
In no particular order, say Hello to Joey Greer Greer today,
gone tomorrow. What's your favorite shade of pale? Oh? Uh neutral? Sure, perfect, Jesus,
put on your danceing shoe because we've got Vanessa Raglan Vanessa,
who was your best pal? Grown up? Sarah Ziegler, Love
you girl? That's correct. Up, Chris Alvarado, Time, Christopher, did
(01:28):
we really land on the moon in sixty eight? Come on?
Of course it was sixty nine? Well why not? Some
great Kokowski while we're out at cacoun do you remember
who framed Roger Rabbit? It was a tune of some kind.
I hate all those tunes. Correct, continue last, but I'll
punch you right in this now if you're think him late.
It's James Heny. James. Can I call you Connie Stephens?
(01:50):
That's a woman's name. Sure, I prefer maybe Connor. All right,
Connor Stephens it is. Let's get to our first scene,
shall we. Sorry, I had a smaller version of me
in my throat. First. Up. Mark Zuckelberg Today, played by
Joey Zuckelberg, is stepping down. But first he's meeting with
(02:13):
several candidates, one at a time to see who will
take his place. We take you to Mark's office, which
is just shy the size of Kansas City, Missouri. I
told you to keep the orange rides on, please, I tried. Okay, well,
(02:33):
they were just peeling away from the flash of the orange. Mark.
I can't keep everything together around here. We better keep
something together. Don't talk to me like that. Forgive me.
I do love you too. I'll go under the desk.
Thank you, Mark, I'm here for my interview. It's me wary,
(02:57):
I know. Larry, come in. Uh oh wow, you've got
such a nice office. How are these books real? Yes,
they're all glass, Larry. Yeah. As you know, I'm stepping
down from Facebook and because of that, someone needs to
stand in my stead. So with that being as it is,
(03:19):
i'd like to see if you might be a candidate
for that position. Oh my gosh, i'd love the Mark. Yeah, yes,
I'll take it. Well, no, Larry, it's I'm not just
giving it right now. Oh, several candidates for this position
or I'm sure there's probably a lot of people that
want it. There is a lot of people that want it. Okay,
(03:41):
what do I gotta do? Well? Number one? How many
jumping jacks can you do? Endurance is a critical part
of this position. Jeez, I could do them right now.
But okay, here coour Okay, I'm doing them with you. Okay.
I mean I could do this for a long time, Martin,
do it for a long time too. Can you go?
(04:03):
Can you keep up? Okay, I gotta stop. I couldn't
count while I was doing it. Oh that was good, Larry,
that was fantastic. Wow, you're sweating. Let me get that here.
Thank you. Oh wow, you brought your own houndkerchief. Oh yeah,
of course I did. Haven't had a dummy. I mean
sometimes I sweat when I get nervous, but I'm not
nervous around you. Mark. I appreciate that a lot of
(04:25):
people feel uncomfortable around me because of my energy. Mark.
Your next cand dame is here. Larry. Would you please
step outside away. I didn't even get to You're fine.
The endurance was enough. Oh, thank you. You'll be Uh.
I'll give you a message later. But there's a lot
of Okay, bye, it's cramped down here. Shut up, stop
peeling those oranges. Sorry forgive me. Hello. Hello, my name
(04:48):
is Connor Stevens. I am obviously American tech guru. Here
to uh interview for position of Facebook. Mister Stevens, your
reputation precedes you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. How
long have you loved me? How long have I loved you?
How long I have loved you? Since the Facebook first
(05:10):
came out? Fantastic? We never that was. I mean, I
am American and I've been here the whole time, so
of course of course I went to American school Boston accent.
If I could try to locate the region you're from, yeah, yeah,
I'm from Boston area, right, you know, South Boston. I'm
a southee. Mister, mister Stevens, that there is Stevens Connor,
(05:35):
Stephen Stevens. Excuse me. The security privacy is something that
we really are loose about here. Okay, It's something that
this is red job for me. I'm hoping so obviously
you know that I need to step down for reasons
that the press are making bigger than I believe are.
It is fat news, it is fact news, and because
of that, I need someone else to fill this position.
(05:58):
I'd be happy to is the uh, oh, you still
have all the data. I'll have all the Americans all
the data. Something that I'd love to do is draw sorry,
shut off something that I love? What's going on down there?
Mister Stevenson, please Stevens, yes, sir, please please, can we
(06:18):
just focus on task at hand. I need to fill
this position, and I'd hate to put someone in there
who's not ready for the job. I am totally ready
for a job, are you? Yes? What happens if four
hundred lizards were let loose on the data processing floor?
Four hundred? Oh dear god, what's get these lizards out
of here? What the fuck is happening? Exactly? Mister Stephenson,
(06:39):
what would you do? I'll kill you. I'll kill you Zuckerberg.
I love it. I love it. Mark you're here, Thank
you so much. Mister Stevenson. Please wait out in the
bean bags. Okay, good day. I'm sorry if my hair tickled? Year?
Can you please do that more? Absolutely? Bye? Bye? Hello,
it's that Mark. How do you do? Good man? Tyler,
(07:02):
let's cut right to it. Okay, you're giving me this job, Tyler.
You know I can't do. You're giving me this fucking job. Tyler. Please,
this isn't high school. Please, gud. I know all your
fucking secrets. I know you're a fucking dork. Tyler and
you're giving me this turn around? Taylor, who the fight out?
(07:27):
I feel like I'm bleeding internally. What's going on? You
should be? Do you want me to do another one?
Of course I do. No one threatens my boss slash
lover Christina table, Thank you very much. P s. Mister Zuckerberg.
I'll take that position now. There's still a lot of
(07:48):
lizards here. Mister Stevens, and please wait in I mean Stevens,
you Coolovich Stevens, You Colovich Stevens, you Coolovitch Stevens. Christina,
run a name processing right now. I want to see
and in the database, your Coolovich Stevenson. See if those
names cross reference. I'm pulling up fifteen, all of them
located in North Boston. Interesting. Oh oh, yes, that's what
(08:14):
that means, North Boston. I'm a Southey who moved to
North Boston. So do you identify as North or South?
Identify as both? I mean it gon to be a
big deal around there. Where are you from? Right? Go
Celtics anyway? Yes, Go Celtics, Go Celtics, Go Celtics. I'm
I'm still alive. Tyler, give me the fucking j Tyler stop,
(08:43):
thank you? She is very dangerous to have some deity
formidable at your right end. Always I'm hoping to pass
her along to whoever takes this position. I'll be taking
the position, possibly, Mark Larry, Would you mind stepping back in? Okay?
I was. I had my ear to the door, and
I was worried that the lad the lizards, we're gonna
get out. I'm glad that they didn't. If you can't
(09:05):
handle lizard, you'll never be able to handle this position. Wow.
Oh geez, are you bleeding internally? I don't know, but
there's certainly swelling. Oh, your body is strong. Oh you
don't mind if I start drinking some ice cold borshed,
do you? Of course not? Okay, it smells horrible. It's
just it's just beats and garlic that is strong. Come in,
(09:30):
Hey probably didn't expect to see me. It's the guy
who started my space. How are you, Tom? Tom? I
refer to myself as the guy who started my space. Here,
you're having some problems. Why won't you look at us
directly in the face. He's just side eyeing us. I'm
pointing over my back to let you know you're out
of here. Do you have to wheel that computer in
(09:51):
with you. Yeah, we know what the profile pick looks like.
Look at this. You can add music now, that's that's great. Tom. Look,
we're trying to fill a position that actually matters you, okay,
for a website that people love and use? Is that
a dead body? Almost? Yes, I've actually been working at
(10:11):
Facebook for a long time, so I think I've earned it.
And plus Mark, one of these people in the room
is a Russian spy. Wait, I know you. I know you.
(10:34):
You're both from Boston. I am from North I am
also from North. Wait, you were from the South and
then you move north. That's right, of course. I mean
my story is consistent X four two zero one j
j O K. He's just saying numbers doesn't know what
(10:56):
you're doing. Tom, Tom, Tom, come on, okay, we let
you in the building. You can have all the time.
I broke you. I broke you, Okay, Okay, Tom, all right,
you broke in. That's you did it. You had all
the dolly and everything you can, all the treats you want. Okay,
those are for free for everybody. That's right. That's right.
I'm a Russian spy. Okay, Tom, all right, Tom, cool,
(11:19):
you believe me, right, yes for sure that I think
I have a boy clott in my throat. My throat
is really swelling fast, Larry, just sit with it, all right,
all right? Mark? Do I have the job or not?
I don't know. I need one more test anything. I'm
thinking of a number one. You got it? Tom is
(11:42):
now the new head of Facebook. Okay, way the gold Dmitri,
I mean Tom from my space. No, you already know.
I told you I'm a Russian spot right right? Yeah? Cool?
I will take over. Well, what are your plans? But? Oh? Wow? Wow?
What am I planing? What are you gonna do? I'm
opening a dojo? Wow, I've been so caught up with
(12:04):
who's going to fill this position? I haven't thought about
what I'm going to have to sit down? I'm sorry?
What am I gonna do? I guess I could start face?
But no, that's taking your Are you taking your hoodie off? Yeah?
I want to feel the wind on top of my head.
That's a lot of tattoos. Jesus, boy, he is cut.
(12:28):
Do you feel the heat? Don't jump? Please? Don't jump.
I think I can fly. You definitely can't fly. Mark, Wait,
I recognize this R two four six two two j
J J J J JJ. I know it. He's a
lizard man. I'm a lizard man. Get out of my mouth.
(12:50):
Get out of my mouth. That's a warm in your mouth.
And I'll let you destroy each other. I'm Tom. I'm Tom.
Though I'm Tom. I don't think you're Tom. I think
you have a lizard man inside of courts. Well, just
a typical day and Facebook. Let's shoot on over across
(13:16):
town shall I? Oh my god? Just off Highway twenty two.
It's Carl's Motor Lave, A fine place to rest your
weary head for the night. Behind the camera waiting to
register folks from all over there's Timmy. You want a room?
Yes please, I'd like to stay here overnight. You look
(13:37):
like you from around here. I'm not I'm traveling, shoutsman,
I'm just passing. Look all right, So usually we rent
out by the hour, but I assume you want to
stay overnight. I wanted to talk to you about that.
If I were to have my girlfriend visit me for
one to two hours, is would that be a problem? Look,
(13:59):
let me turn this camera up really quick. Right, let's
cut straight. She's the prostitute, right, feelings for each other? Well,
there certing her feelings? Are you I take care of her?
You do? Yeah? I pay for her rent. Wait a second,
(14:23):
Wait a second. Are you from out of town? Yes,
I'm a traveling salesman. Then how do you does she
come with you on your travels? I see the problem. Huh,
you're in the hell whatever here, it's not sound kind
of weird. Whatever y'all got got right on. I don't
think this is that important. I have this. I can
(14:45):
handle the thought. I'd come out on the floor manager,
I manage the floor. Well, did you play fifteen dollars
extrause the room? Can come with a bird that can
play up the five thing? No, thank you. You can
also have that for free. We have birds and most.
Now that the cameras off, I have something to get
off my chest. What is that thing? Is in a mole?
(15:08):
I was noticing in it? Oh? This is a This
is just a necklace. I'll off, but I have something
to say. Necklace looks like a mole to me. It's
a stone. It's a stone. I'm I'm a married man.
Oh no, congratulations to her. I'm sir. Once a year
I meet this woman here at this hotel. I've never
(15:31):
seen you but I'll take your room for it. I
get a lot of people through here. Yeah, I've never
seen you either. Well, I can't on intally say if
I've seen you or not, because it's a medical to
eat you. So my recall is not what it used
to be. Just give me a room please with a bird.
No room, I mean no bird, no bird, one room,
(15:57):
no bird smoking? Please? Please? Is it taking a cup?
You gotta tell me if you're a cup, that's not true.
First of all, you do take your top, bar, you
gotta tell us, good girl? Okay, wait, take my top off?
If you're wired, honey, if I was a cop, I
don't think I come in here with a wire. But
(16:17):
here sure, Look they're happy. There's the moles on who
they was under? There also a necklace. Where's the beef?
A good girl feed her meat? Don't you want us
to put rose petals or some sort of romance on
top of the bed before y'all might love only? I
just want to keep room one twelve if it's available.
(16:38):
Do you want any beef? Where's the beef? Thank you? Sweethearts? Kids? Mama,
is there an issue? What's the issue? The issue? You
want your room with a side of beef the lovers special. No,
thank you? Okay, that was not hard. You gotta tell
us one room, no bird, no one room coming up?
(17:04):
I room, no bird, no beef coming up. You want stairs?
I want room one twelve. So that's in the first one.
That's a pretty specific room. It's where I don't love
if we have cleaned that, I don't care. I need
room one twelve. All right, Well, I'm gonna have to
accompany you to the room. Why what is going on?
I want to see you? What's in there that's so special?
(17:25):
Come here? Get on my How do you get how
do you? Okay, make any money here? If you harass everything,
plenty of money. Don't worry about us. We're doing great. Okay,
you don't harass every customer. Just let the room. Not
every customer comes in and tell him us his little
horse is gonna be here. She's my girlfriend. Okay, once
to your girlfriend. Yes we married, man, that's right. Yes,
(17:46):
somebody will write a place. But bard no beef. You
got it clean on the fro? How much is it?
Here's my here's how charge it? Mister? Money bance? Okay, up,
there's a mole on your finger too covered in moles.
Let's disgusting. You're lucky you can get a room with
(18:09):
the bird because birds. You gotta tell us off your
flesh charging. Thank you so much. Oh who's here? High
casey sisters are here? Oh gosh, I hope you don't mind.
(18:30):
We bring on Rudu. He's coming in here. It's gonna
hunting them birds if we let him out. No bird,
no birds in your room. Welcome back, honey. Why you
got kick the house offmating and too much smiking there
to slate, like to slay down. You want beef beef,
(18:52):
Let's get a couple of arms length beef and then
hell just do twos. Why that room is quiet? Oh lord,
I'll go take care of Timmy. Can you finish this up?
Somebody's got to walk into the room one twelve, Tammy,
(19:13):
I was, I was already on my way to my room.
I am not I don't trust you. Somebody's got to
see what you're doing. Okay, Well miss ma'am sir, Well,
well that was not nice. I was not nice. That
was not note is a mystery. Would you mind walking
me into my room? Please? I would love to escort
(19:35):
you to your room. Get your hand off my back.
I can't not touch your back if I'm showing you
where your rooms, genius. Just move it. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy,
you can't. You can't. We can't do this. I'll come on.
We can't do this. Why we can? Horse, we can
It's all about want. No, it's just Timmy. Of course
(19:59):
I want to. Of course I want to, just so
you know, it gets weird. Get a whole bunch of meat.
We'll just do it on a meat bed. Where's the beef?
Is that beef on? Tim? Sometimes I feel like I
feel like Polly's gonna tell him as if when do it? Oh?
(20:19):
I know know this bird. I don't know that many words.
I don't know five sentences. Where's the beef for? I
know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. Some
another one. Come on now, I'm coming. She knows, she
knows that we're not supposed to be the good just
a bird of beat. Yeah, she don't know everything that
a human does. No, mister bird, we brought you into
(20:39):
the police station for some questioning. There was a horrific,
horrific crime committed on the night of March twenty sixth,
twenty eighteen. You were the only witness. Please state your name.
Brab Oh shit, I thought this was going to go better.
(21:00):
Let me see, let me see, let me see. What
did you see? All right? You gotta tell us? Okay, okay,
you got it? Tell us? Okay? Now can you can
you give me a name of somebody who was in
the room? Rob? Hey, y'all, I told you this wasn't
gonna work, Terry, Rob. Where's the beef? I think it's
(21:21):
all helpful. Where's the bee? First of all? Tell us?
When am I gonna get them a dang bird back? Okay,
you know what we're done here. I can take my
bird now. I know what you're doing out here. Hold on,
you know who who did what? Yeah? I know what
you're doing. Specifically thought your point a finger? I mean
a hey, y'all, Chris, okay, have a good day. They
(21:42):
rid of the bird. You're only a couple of humans
being rude to a bird. How does that make y'all
look like a couple of dummy where'd you get this bird?
I guess this bird? You tell me the Amazon Jungle, baby,
I take it that means Amazon dot com. No, No,
I went to the jungle. Actually Amazon Jungle. Tim birds.
(22:05):
I see, welcome through the alas on jungle. Wow, this
is nice. So so many like this. Now, how the
process works is the bird chooses you. You don't choose
the bird. A lot of them look all right, all right,
this this is getting just freaking out. They're coming down.
(22:26):
You must take them all, take them off. I don't
know if I can bring these back because they're spitting
at us. I don't mind it. I don't mind it
at all. I'm gonna wait in the jeep. Pardon me,
I asked her. A smoking room on twelve used to
be smoking, and now there's no smoking sign. Well, we're
not have any smoking in this in this state anymore.
(22:48):
We had to change all our rooms. I didn't know that. Yeah,
it's it's a new law. You have a hickey. Oh no, no,
it's not hickey, it's it's a bed bud bite. Very well, thanks,
uh oh, where are you going back into the room?
If you're gonna smoke a cigarette, you guys smoke out sign.
(23:09):
It's not for me. I don't smoke. I know what
you're doing. I asked for the room with no bird.
We have to have a bird in every room. That
was not clear. Well, birds are prop back about let's
see twenty four birds and they fight with each other.
So we have that one in every room. They don't
go home. Oh what this? Okay? Oh shoot, here comes
(23:35):
my girl now. Oh she's pretty. Hi baby, Hi honey.
Why what's with the no smoking sign? I'm working on that.
I'm working you. Look, I get you once a year.
I like that with a back of cigarettes. I brought him.
I brought them. I brought them marble reds those away.
You can's moving? I can hold them out, can't. I good?
(23:59):
She works here. Maybe I've missed you, missed you so much?
Is that a wedding ring you're wearing. It's not. I
don't believe you. It's because I'm lying. It's a wedding
ring I'm wearing. I'm we did since last we saw
(24:20):
each other. That doesn't change our year affair. No, it
does for me. Why you you have a whole life
without me? Isn't me? Once a year? That was the
way I liked it. I can still be that way.
But now I know you're with someone else that you
feel weird. We broke up. Oh okay, come on in
(24:41):
the room. Thanks smoky, Jesus Christ, Baby, keeping you keep
any address? Okay, yes, complimentary beef, blatant champagne. Where's the beef?
I ordered no beef. I understand complimentary beef playing. Where's
the beef? What's a bird doing in here? I also
(25:01):
ordered no bird. We got to put this other bird
in here. Careful, separate and they will fight. Jesus, they're attacking.
I gotta get out of you. Oh god, oh god,
no he comes dogs. Now? Can I shut this door?
I think you're out of eyes. They're just strong maybe maybe, Okay,
(25:26):
my eyes are pretty bloody. You don't they're out of
your socket. No, Oh, are you kidding me? Darling? I
know you're in there. Just open the door. Honey. We've
been married for less than a year. I can't believe
I found you here. This is your husband? Yes, no,
come on, honey, just old What the you hate birds?
(25:52):
You wouldn't let us get a bird? The dry balls out? Honey.
I'm not having a great day. I see I see you.
I can't believe you can't let me call nine one one?
Thank you? Hold on? Who's this guy? Who's an old friend?
I'm just what's the name, Just a friend, just a friend.
(26:13):
German that's right. This is fucked up. Can somebody help me?
Hold on, honey, they're on their way. I knew something
was fish from one twelve. Your birds? What? What? Or what?
You don't know you got more than two guests in here. No,
he just showed up. Oh yeah, just showed up. They
(26:35):
always just should. Problem. You're let the birds hang out together.
I know what you're doing. Somebody's got to put that
girl's ice back in her head. That's a big problem.
We got on our hands. We also got snigger. What
no smoking in your genius, We didn't smoke. Got your
(26:56):
little horse eyes. Believe my girlfriend, she also happens to
be a married will be now and she has no eyes.
I'm here. I'll put it back in your hand. They're
clean hands. I wash my hand. You got a hickey,
it's a bite. Okay. See, I guess we just wait
(27:18):
from the mom No, no, we don't just wait. No.
I use this moment to say something I've been meaning
to say to all of them. Everybody here. You've ruined.
You've got a little bigger and you know, don't get
your hands off of me. You the one special day
of the year I I look forward to I'm gonna
(27:41):
place this pillow over your head darkly. Everybody just shut up. Hey,
I did love her, but with those eyes out, I
put one of them back in. If the cops come
(28:01):
this dead body, it's only one of heart worries because
there's a bird code this state that we've been flagrantly breaking,
and there's a beef code. I could take a couple
of the birds. But she probably also think your dead wife. Yeah,
yeah right, they show us. I feel real bad about that.
This is a hickey from my from my sisters. All right,
(28:23):
police are here, Police are here. You answer some questions
my gun, and just up the road, apiece, don't you know?
(28:46):
San Diego Way, A honeymoon couple have somehow ventured out
of their hotel room. Finally, they stroll along the boardwalk,
discussing their wedding reception from a few days ago. Eventually,
they stop at several vendors along this time, book selling art,
homemade food and grafted items, books. Music. No, I'm serious,
(29:07):
you look more fautiful than you've ever booked. No, you
look more handsome than you look at me. Cher let
me I swear to God like I'm not kidding you
like this morning, you look like beautiful and right now
you look more beautiful you've ever looked. God, Mikey, it's
the San Diego Son. I swear to God, it's the
San Diego Son. I think it's wherever you walk. Oh
my god, key snow cos yes, yes, good man, you can.
(29:39):
We would love. It's okay, we would love, darling. What
flavor would you like? What flavor? The two flavors you've
got orange and diet. I guess we'll have two oranges.
Did you hear how she said that two oranges? She's
a poet everywhere. Four oranges just too just too us too,
(30:01):
that's missus. Mendelssohn to you. Gotta give you this syrup, okay,
just syrup in a little cup. Hot, it's hotful, Well past,
we'll past. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's like
even in those moments you make these decisions baby that
like I just follow my gut. You have the best cut.
You know what, when I saw your dad dancing on
(30:23):
the dance floor, I had this glimpse of what our
future is going to be. And I'm still going to
be really into you. Want I want. I want to
be a dad. By the way, hither folks, would you
like your beloved's name and grave gran of rice? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
really yeah, absolutely, that's amazing. Wow. So okay, Mikey, can
(30:55):
we just say mike or I'd like you to know
his given name is Mikey. What about just an m
I mean, oh man, Okay. Nobody said yes before I
have all these grains of rice, these carving tools. No, no,
no no, we said we'd do it like go on
my wrist, sir, stay here, you stay here, you're Mikey,
(31:20):
Mikey okay, m y k y, all right, okay, I've
already cut this grain of rice in half. I was
trained for this, it was it was about three years
ago though, so it's we're newlyweds. So oh, you could
just do one this as newlyweds or our wedding dates. Jesus, Jesus,
that's long. What was your wedding date? It was March
(31:42):
twenty six, twenty eighteen, only the best date I've three
six eighteen. Can we do it without the slashes or
do you think you would be clear if it was
just then? I don't. I think it would look sort
of bad without the hyphens, because it could look like
a cereal maker, taste maker, hyphens, that's what they're called.
Do you want to sure? Sure? It is twenty two
(32:05):
thousand followers. Oh wow, Yeah, that's done. I'm married up.
I'm married up for sure. We'll see what we can
do about that. I just want to be clear. It's
a grain of rice. It's just really small. I mean,
there's like the guy across the way has you can
get a photo taken, and you know, let's go do that. Okay,
(32:25):
thank thank god. Hold on, before we go any further.
I am. I need to tell you when you were
when you threw the bouquet the other night. Your arms
went up into the air and it was like you
were in like slow motion. And as your hands were
right above your head, I looked at you and I
(32:46):
was like, she's reaching for the heavens. And and then
I reached for the heavens. Do you know what I got? You? Sure,
let's get her. Let's our pictures taken? Oh? Hi, hey, hi,
(33:11):
so we could do a photograph. Where's your camera? Well,
here's the thing. It's not so it's how about we
do a picture that I draw? Why do you have
cats in your pocket? It's a cat it's one cat
in my pocket, miikey. No, no, no, no, no. I
(33:33):
usually do photographs. I'm great photographer. But today I've got
a special changing. What. No, what's happening to you? What
there's more than one cat in your pocket. There's two cats.
There's two cats. I lied. Your eyes are becoming bloodshot
right before very eyes. I'm just a little nervous. It's
(33:54):
just a little nervous. What's happening. Listen, Just sit down
really quick, quick, quick, quick. Okay, we're sitting. Okay, act
like you're getting your pictures drawn. What just do it?
Smile baby? Good? Wait? Wait? Why did you get freaked
out on that cop walk by? I'm not freaked out.
Just sit there are we accessories of officers. I'm not
(34:20):
a bit you your husband, I know she said that.
Somebody call me. No no, no, no no, no, no, no,
no no no no over here, officer. Hi, Hello, Hi,
we we just got married. Thank you, thank you. Let
the cat. Yes, where's a good cat? Cannot be on
the boardwalk. I don't have any cat. There's no cats
(34:41):
in pockets. All right, all right, I'm gonna go on
break all right, I'm gonna go on. Yeah, you didn't
fix the cat thing. Manu, it's it's union break. He
should take a break. He looks tired. Look, no cats
could be on the boardwalker. I agree. That's that's what
we're saying. I was asking us to take a picture
and then he was pushing us. And there's cats. And
(35:04):
he called me a bitch, called me a husband a bit. Look,
and there's cats on the borderwalk. It's a death penalty
to saying diego all right, Okay, that's what we're saying. Listen,
my my wife, who I love? What baby? Okay, there
are Mikeyay, this right, Mikey, this right, Mikey, there are
no cats. You have a good a good break, officer.
(35:26):
I gotta take this break, all right. Maybe this is
an important issue. We're both gonna die one day. What
I know you don't. I know you don't believe that,
and like I love that about you. But like one day,
I've got it. I got it. I did it. I
did it, Mike Keimondlson three twenty six eighteen. Oh, oh,
(35:50):
I did it? Where is it? Wait? Where I had it?
I think it fell out over there? Okay, okay, don't wait,
there are pelicans. You guys, get a wait by pelicans,
get away, sons of bitches. Oh they love rice, they
love rice, these pelicans. Oh god, my hand from the Amazon.
(36:13):
All right, you guys were moving around quite a bit.
So this picture is a little squiggly. We don't want it, sir.
It looks just like me. No, it was these two
two people's two people. It does kind of look like him.
It's weird. It looks just like him. Most of you too,
And you owe me for this character. No, it's him
and a grain of rice. It's a character of you guys.
So which one of us is the rice? What are
(36:35):
you talking about? One of them is a piece of rice,
and one of them is him. Picture. You are this nice, slender, thin,
straight guy, and you're the squiggly guy. Oh I'm the rice.
No it's you, it's not rice. How much twenty dollars dollars?
Twenty dollars. Okay, we will die, Thank you to die
(36:56):
in our vowels. You probably still love me forever and
forever it is eternal and forever doesn't have a death.
Can we work on a payment planned business? It's been
a little slow. And if you don't believe in death,
you never die This painting is not for you. This
is them. You can't have it. We don't want it.
I want I'll give you twenty bucks for it. I'm
just gonna tear it up. Oh no, I don't want
(37:20):
to keep fighting. This actually said even fighting to discussions. Fight. Okay,
why did you call it a fight? I didn't know.
Now we're fighting. We're fightingposas. Okay, san Diego. Let me
to rule my girl. Those those those papoosas you'll say,
(37:44):
oh really, two tow yes, okay, okay? And can we
have a veggie and a chicken? Veggie and the chicken okay,
keeps me healthy. She keeps me healthy. That's that. Okay. Well,
first I'm going to have to the oh all right,
the tortilla like thing. It's not a tortilla because yes, okay,
(38:09):
let me work on it. Nobody's ever ordered one before.
So okay, San Diego, this is gonna be weird, Cheryl.
But I did a little something, Mikey. I did a
little tiny thing. Did you do a Mikey, did you
pull a little thing? Cheryl? We're here to say days, no,
(38:30):
thank you, I love you and we wanted you. Okay,
And sweet gloves make gloves. We all loved you. At
some point, Cheryl hit it out one of you. Let
(38:55):
me know if you want the coltala and the hot
sauce on it, because Jesus. Now, Roger's got his personal
verse about the first time you guys met. When I
saw your feet, I thought to myself, how many how
I like your long toes in the way they hooked
on the ground, the ground, let the way your knees
(39:17):
slap the round town round. But I love you more
than I know, and I want you to leave your
husband forever. Me go to you right here in sand
diego to you, all right, Tyler take it away? There
(39:40):
you go, all right, Tyler's got a We're almost done
always men have loved you, baby. This feels aggressive all
my axes, but you haven't. You haven't heard. This is
more like a taco I hope that's cool. It's not
even quite like a tailcoat. This is just some ingredients soft.
It's a piece of bread with some and hot sauce.
(40:01):
You so much, babe? Can I at least sing you
my verse? Okay? So many men have been inside you.
Excite you? Okay, so many men excite you? Excited? Nothing
wrong with that. You chose me, and I feel good.
(40:27):
We're gonna live. We're gonna never die. We're gonna live forever. Baby,
But they're gonna wait. Okay, okay, I tried my best
to make a good papoosa. Put the gun down, Nick Love,
(40:50):
I did it. I did it. Oh yes, Oh check
out my handiwork. And I've got this greater Rice right
between these tweezers. Wait, it's a cat man. Yeah, yeah,
it's for you guys. C A T M A N.
Wait a second, I'm cat man. No, this is for them. No,
(41:13):
but but give me that. No. They asked to have
their name and grave to preserve their honeymoon. Man, everyone
on this boardwalks doors. I'm cat man. He's got cats
in his pocket. Yeah, but he denies it. Well, not
only when cops are round. And Rice guy gonna make
(41:34):
love to you. Cat man gonna make love to you.
I think. Maybe thank you, bab your dad gave it
to me. Hey, happy happy, happy marriage, happy marriage forever.
Maybe not, maybe you bring him the FuG me Roger.
(41:55):
All right, I'm not gonna I'm over Roger. Oh yes,
say it ain't so. Another wonderful episode of Alchemy this. Hmmm,
let's go around and thank our alchemists and see what's
going on in their neck of the word. James Heeny,
(42:17):
that's me. Talk to me, Pappy. Oh jeez, I keep
I'm just keeping on keeping on doing that YouTube thing.
And how are the T shirts coming along? Well I
haven't printed them, weird, but I'm still accepting money for it. Right. Well,
that's the that's the American way. Nice work. So check
you out on the YouTube. Yep, the real James Heini.
(42:37):
Oh nicely done, Venet. You had a hell of a
week a week oh my coming out for air. We
had Adam Sandler a Dynasty typewriter for four nights and
it was so dreamy shot for a Netflix a special. Yeah,
it was a dream and we've got so much other
wonderful things on the schedule. You can check it out
at Dynasty Typewriter dot com. Oh so very exciting. It's
(43:00):
one of the great theaters in Los Angeles. And thank
you for all that you and Jamie Flamm do anytime.
Thank you for your support. Alright, Joey Greer Halla, what
the hell? Check me out a Westside comedy theater. Bear
supply pretty pretty pony with these motherfuckers check it out. Okay,
people don't know where you're pointing. I mean, that's eater
of the mind, right, that's what I'm trying to help.
(43:24):
Who are the motherfuckers in question? Hone? That mind man
seemed like you were pointing it, Chris, Okay, cool, cool?
When is the next Pretty Pony by the first Monday
every month? Nicely done? And then Bear Supply second and
fourth Wednesday at nine west Side Comedy dot com is
the calendar and I'm in that, James that the Bear Supply.
(43:49):
It's gonna make Oh the RAPHI yell yeah, we'll get
to him. Craig Kokowski at Kowski on Twitter. Also, it's
in the craigs List podcast with this guy definitely bunny
at himself. Not about selling your old ship, it's about movies. Nice.
(44:10):
That's good news because they did some made some changes
to the other craigs List. That's right. I've been no
changes to mine. None, just my one hundred favorite movies. Sure,
none of which star Adam Sam. Do you remember number seventeen? Sure?
I believe it's The Apartment correct. Oh, how did you
get that? Son of a bitch? You're not wrong. Let's
(44:32):
slide on over to Chris Alvarado. Yeah, I'm jump on
Joey's back. That's right cool, Yeah, just on Wesley Comedy
dot Com. Actually, I performed there a lot. I teach
there at Bartender There. We a lot of us spend
our time there. It's a great place. It is truly love.
I hope that you don't miss this opportunity. We don't
know when this is, what the air date is, I
don't but you know, you had a little something special
(44:52):
and I would like to congratulate you on that on
your you're a damn fine fella. I mean, that's really
awesome and we love you. Season twenty nine, episode thirteen.
If you want to go through the arch of over
six hundred shows, one of them I was. I've been
starting from the beginning, so I'll get yeah, yeah, I've heard,
(45:13):
it's good. Please be seated. Let's go around and thank
you Raphael. Yeah, that's it. And Doug Bame our engineer.
Love him. So all the folks at how Stuff Works,
the wonderful network that's allowed us into the studio yet again,
(45:35):
jokes on them, I think, all right right to us,
won't you please at your name here at Alchemy This
dot com. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
We love to hear from you. Subscribe, write a review,
damn it, let people know. Tell everyone you've ever met.
That's all we're asking. I don't think it's too much.
(45:58):
We love you so and we'll see you next time.
Until then, An is always Alchemy as
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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