December 9, 2021 • 52 mins
Sarcastic-voiced man on trial for murder.
Secret service secret Santa.
Kangaroo milkers.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, come back to another episode about me this I'm
your host once again. Kevina like, yes that, Hey, I'm
thrilled me back? Are you kidding? Are you dude? The fun?
But I digress. Let's make an artimist shower, no particular order.
Let's welcome Chris Alvorado Walt Climber to the stars. What's
(00:26):
the third thing people get wrong about you? They? Um,
they assume I'm just white. I'm I'm I'm I'm white,
which is fair, which is because I appear to be white. Yeah,
you want to help them, uh stair clear of the
Caucasian title. Well, now, I mean I get it, I
(00:49):
get it. No one's but they do get it wrong.
But that's not their fault. That's not their fault. But
you know, my father is a small brown man who
I love very much. His name is I don't need
to see his name, but you know he's throwing eras.
These are the jungles of Hunduras. So, um, I don't
think you need to say jungle. Yeah, well that's true,
that's true. That's just well, thanks for coming out. You know,
it took Luis c k a lot longer to come
(01:10):
out as uh, any sort of Latin blood. That's right,
that's right, lengths to uh alter his name. It felt
like two And then it turns out there some other
issues as well. So thank you. Yeah, we don't. That's
the only thing we share we have in common is
that we're viractional. Is it? Is it? The only thank you?
Both are writers. There we go when we're looking for
(01:33):
and now are weekly dose of Craig Katkowski Kako. What
is your favorite Thanksgiving meal item? And why? I gotta
say stuffing? Yeah? For what? For whatever reason? I need
a little more uh specificity the kind of stuffing? Um,
(01:54):
I mean what you it's gonna have a lot of
gravy on it. It's I don't I don't mind you
hate you hate stuffing. What you want is a gravy boat?
Do you want a gravy delivery system? I guess it's gravy.
I guess there's one thing you can't leave out. It's
gravy because it goes over everything. I'm I'm only teasing
(02:16):
because I am so like minded. I love stuffing. It's
my favorite item. But without gravy, there's something missing. Yeah,
they gotta go to go. Yeah, yeah, Well thank you
for that. Sure you say hello to Caroline Cutter. Carol,
when you go to the movie theater, what are your
seat and food selection? Well, I hate to say this,
(02:40):
but I started going to Alamo Drafthouse. You guys ever
been there? It's like, okay, you should all go. There's
one in downtown l A. And if you're listening there
throughout the country, and you can order like full food there,
like meals, but not in like a way that's disgusting,
in a way that it's actually good. Um, so that's
(03:03):
what I want. I want like they have like pizzas too, though,
which I'm not going to be eating a fucking pizza
in the movies, So I'll do like some juicy tenders,
maybe some chicken tenders, and yeah, they've gotta be juicy.
And then in terms of seats, I really just don't
like being on the aisle, but I'll go anywhere else. Okay,
(03:24):
So I need you in really quick, Caroline. I haven't
seen you in a long time. Caroline. I need to
tell you that my fiance Jessica Low is probably the
biggest Caroline Cotter fan in the world. She cannot stop
talking about you. She thinks you're the funniest person in
the world and she just loves you. Well, she can
start the fucking fan club, because I think that there
(03:46):
needs to be I think this, I need to monetize it,
I need to get this out. And I think having
someone who's like a million times more successful than me
be my fan I think is maybe that's kind of
my way, you know, no pressure, no pressure on her,
but that's I'm kind of putting all my eggs in
that basket. Put her career where her mouth is. That
(04:09):
that's exactly what I means to say. And then there's
James Heeney, Jeffrey Jim Who was your favorite cousin growing up?
And why? Um, well, I had a lot of favorite cousins. God,
that's a hard thing to ask somebody. I think, I
(04:29):
know her name is. I know her name is, but
she's kind of an estranged cousin. I don't I'm not
in contact with her anymore. Uh, wrong story. But she
was my older cousin and she really was very creative.
So when I played with her as a child, we
(04:49):
would play crazy things that I think kind of inspired
me to do, like improv. Oh shop good, good, good good.
I'm nice to hear. That's what she inspired you to do?
And I asked, too many giblets and your gravy if
you think at least it's Joey Greer blind. Dade bailed on,
what about the first time you felt under a brawl? Oh? Man,
(05:14):
I guess that it had to be when I was
like walking through Target and I was on shift right,
and I remember I was just there like, hey, did
you gotta go stock in the back? And I'm like
a lot of second here, What the hell are these shirts?
You know? And uh, I was like this is dope
because there was like like football padding or something to
kind of sports utility equipment, and oh my god. So
(05:37):
I go into the back and there are so many boxes,
so many boxes, and I'm looking at and I'm like, okay,
there's something wrong with one of these because there was
like this look like somebody had cut something on the
bottom corner of it. Huh, Okay, it turns out we
had a mouse problem. Like crazy, they think you do
you have to say problem or no? First, I'm hearing
(05:59):
any of it. Just your total guess how the holes
got on the bottom? Crazy? Do you do? You do
you like that idea? You? Okay? Because there it is
because you are on a wavelength. My man, you were
tapping into something that is so primordial. I've got more.
How do you feel about a massive heart attack? Okay? Sure?
(06:22):
All of our scene suggestions our gathered from your listener
email or our patron v I ps to become a
patron spart of the show and enjoy exclusive content like
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of our very recording sessions right now and at the
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(06:42):
I don't know if it's been discussed in my absence.
Uh two, you have a chance rather excuse me, not
a choice. The choice is ours. You may have a
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If you like some medicines asked by email, please write
to the podcast or Our email, of course, is Alchemy.
(07:03):
This email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. See one
comes from patron v I p Wyatt Hunter, who wrote, Hello,
my lovely is my scene suggestion? Is this a man
who can only speak in a sarcastic tone, defending himself
on trial for murder. I love you all in your madness.
(07:28):
Order in the court, order, order in the court. Will
not ask for order in my court again. I will
simply dismiss everyone seated in front of me. Now, then
to the defense attorney, I offered this insight before we proceed.
(07:48):
Your tone in my courtroom? Okay, and now you see
do you think that was a riddle? Do you think
he was giving us like a riddle? Hint? Know how
it wants you to stop acting like this when you're
when you're in the room, everything you say is like, oh,
it's like nails on a chark board. Honestly, you're doing
yourself a great disservice. Okay, Um, if I may have
(08:16):
a moment um from the prosecution, Um, judge is first,
I want to ask if you need a lozenge? I do. Okay,
here you go. You just voice sounded a little. I
hear these are good. You might need a bath too.
I'm sorry, Well, uh, if you really he said you
might need a bath too, I think he was being sarcastic.
(08:37):
That was the different he was talking to me. He
was talking to me, I need a bath. I fell
in some moderatelier m hm. Anyway, Um, as the prosecution
is doing our closing arguments, I just want to point
out to the jury and the judge and everyone else
in this courtroom that there in the evidence we have
(08:59):
the person defending holding oh nice, standing over the dead body, smiling. Um.
And so, as I've said before, this is a this
is a closed, open and shut, closed done case. You know,
how do you use a book? I know how to read.
I know how to read. Thank you, okay, and I rest.
(09:26):
That's that's that? Thank you? Rest? Yeah? All right, yes,
and with a defense like to call you witness at
this point, No, I think we're good. No, we're not.
We're not good. We're not good. Actually, we've decided, uh
that the best thing to do is to bring our
(09:48):
defendant up. Chris, get up there. We're gonna we're gonna do.
We're just gonna go through oh what you call a
questioning of Chris. May I just say something, This is
very unusual. I just gave my closing arguments and now
he's bringing up people. Both of you approached the bench
(10:09):
from both of you approached the bench. Okay, okay, seriously,
what the fund is happening? Well, your honor. We've been
waiting for her to close the defense because I don't
want cross examination. I don't want Yeah, but you're familiar
with the legal procedures. Yeah, but my client has what
(10:30):
we call his speech impediment. Okay, I don't think it's
an impediment. I think I can understand him. He just
sounds like an asshole. I'm gonna have to agree as
you guys both agree. But that's the impediment. I'm not
a scientist. I'm not a doctor. I'm not expert. I
got my online degree. Now that she's closed, I'd like
(10:52):
to bring Chris up and I'd like to just ask
him some questions. Fine, this is insane, It's not it
is insane. Alright, Chris, we got this. Get up there,
find me. I'm hiding. This is unusual. I'll admit that.
(11:13):
If everybody would look underneath your bench and see if
there's a Chris underneath. Oh, oh my god, he's let
kick me good damn it. Yeah, how did you fit
under the chair, Chris? I'm going to go through some
some common everyday phrases that you might have to use
in just everyday conversation to be more polite and you're
(11:39):
going to repeat them back to me. Okay, okay, okay,
are you uh? Are you ready? That's the first phrase,
that's the first phrase. Can you repeat after me? Are
you ready? Repeat after me? No, that's not that's not
(12:00):
the phrase. Um okay, why do you talk so fucking weird? Now?
I know that's just your impediment talking right now. You don't,
You don't meet so sound rude, but the way the
tone of your voice actually makes it as if you're
saying a rude thing. So I'm sorry, question, I'm sorry.
(12:22):
Why are you sound so fucking weird? Okay, that's good,
your trying variation? Um? Hi, uh, you guys are Chris's parents.
Thank you so much for coming to meet me after school.
We just have kind of a behavioral issue with Chris.
You do you know what this is making a lot
of sense now. Hearing what you guys are saying. I
(12:43):
think he's picking up your speech patterns and everything he
says sounds very sarcastic and um rude. Um. He makes
comments specifically about my personal appearance, for instance, which I
think is what you usually look like. Yeah, look at you? Well?
Um no, I I went through a break up, so
(13:06):
it's a little hard right now and a little let's polished,
I guess, and normal. So I don't think this is
appropriate for me to be teaching children, but I want
to let you know the way your son speaks in
class to me and others is not okay and I
need to change to come from home first and then
come through the classroom. Well, okay, So is that you
(13:34):
have a great night. Hey Alison, it's Tommy. Listen. I'm sorry.
I've made a horrible mistake. Breaking up with you was
easily the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I just
regret all of it, and I would like you to
consider uh taking me back and restarting where we left
(13:56):
off prior to my brain fart. Well, um, thank you.
So it's unexpected to see you here. Yes or no question?
Oh my god, I think I want to say yes.
But where we left off it was very bad. Um
you horrible. He took my cat and kicked him out
the window and said that my heart feel. So do
(14:17):
either of you hear work at Target? Or no? Yeah?
We both do. Actually, did you need something? Yeah? I
wanted to know where the electronic toilets are, so in
the electronic department or is in the bath department? Electronics? Yeah,
I have a great day. I can't believe you switch
your shift so we would work together today. Well, I
(14:39):
just needed to confront the whole thing and apologize and
on my behavior and just let you know and remind
you that cat was an asshole. Um okay, But I
don't think kicking it to its death was a way
to handle that. But no, no, it certainly wasn't. It
was a horrible way to handle it. It doesn't take
any of our teachers working target. Look at this, Let's
(15:02):
work with her. Let's work with her. Um. I just
um oh, he's biting my ankles. Hi, I'm your electro
commode three thousand. Let's say the preferences, all right, it's
at the part you're ready to get started? Yes, I heard, yes?
(15:27):
Do you like to go pee or pooh? Um? Boat?
What do I like to do? That's the question? Both? Yeah? Both?
Are you going pee or pooh? Right now? Yes? How
(15:48):
many squares do you like to use to wipe? Oh?
I thought it's had a little bit day inside it.
Um let's do are you sure? Yeah, ma'am, ma'am, you
uh aren't allowed to use this this is the display model.
(16:12):
Well how am I supposed to know if I want
it or not? Well, you can read the box, you
can talk to the box. I see all these kids
opening up the DVD boxes to make sure that d
ain't scratch. Why can't I use the toilet? Uh? Well,
because this year you can push the buttons. You can
talk to the starting day. Let me know how the
pressure is good. Oh, you've got pooping. Now. I can't
(16:38):
just stop pooping, sir. What do you want me to
have a heart attack? Uh? No, please, but this is
Oh my god, I've heard you can't stop pooping? Is
that right? That's right? There is no plumbing underneath this.
This just goes on. That's well. Third, it's just that
(16:58):
we ended display. Oh god, Oh you know that Starbucks
right half by the exit that's inside of this target. Yeah,
yes it is. That's where That's what I hate. I
hate one of those cake pops and it's just running
through Men's hard to imagine, but that is. Two comes
(17:28):
from the house favorite listener Christine Kelly, who wrote this
month's theme is Christmas Scene suggestion. What if the Secret
Service had a secret Santa Jim? Can I see in
my office fleeting. Are you are you? Yeah, step in
and close the door if you wing. I thought we
were gonna have a Okay, great, I'll see you guys later. Yep,
(17:50):
take care of Bobby. I don't think it is. I
don't think he was running by some ideas for Secret Santa,
and I was trying to explain the whole idea is
that it's secret and I wanted to get your latest
report on his uh status in the field and whether
(18:13):
or not he's got a future here with the organization.
On Tommy yeah, uh yeah, you're you're pausing. There is
pretty much all the answer I need that I'm gonna
push it a little further. Bobby talking because a report
on Bobby Tommy's good. By the way, Tommy's great. Yeah,
(18:36):
Tommy Salton, big big fan. It's Bobby. Uh. It was
in here running by ideas that was caused answer. First
of all, I thought we'd agreed on a fifteen dollar
cap for Secret Santa. We did, and uh, I think
Bobby wants to go up, up and beyond that. He
does so, so that's a problem right away. I mean,
(18:58):
we're we're all in government. Salsa not overays. You know,
I can afford that. Well, that's why I wanted to
bring a larger picture view, if you will, into his
job status and whether he's got a future. Here we're
talking about Tommy secret. I'm we can talk about you know,
but that's it though, you know. So I mean it's
just I mean anything, cards, just cash, it's fun. What's up, Bobby? Yeah,
(19:21):
So it's like, you know, anything you want to do it,
I don't give a ship man. You guys talking talking president. Yeah,
I had some ideas. I had some ideas. I had
some idea what are you gonna do? Well? I was
thinking like we should remove a limit cap limit right
and just really you buy the present that speaks loud
it's to you, you know. Yeah, I'm confused. It's also
(19:45):
like so clear that you come from like a lot
of money, and you know, like us other agents, we don't.
And so it feels like this is another one of
the times you're trying to like I don't need I
don't need to receive anything expensive. But if that's the standard,
So if somebody gets what I assume because I've seen
you you leave some of your print outs at the
communal printer. Maserati's pictures of your car. Okay, fine, I'll
(20:12):
just say it, Tommy. Merry Christmas, Okay, Merry Christmas. I
got you, Maserati. I know you were my secret. Well
you're a Maserati. What are you doing? Well into the
Treasure Department. I'm gonna get onto it for this ship.
Are you serious, Bobby, don't worry? What the money to
(20:32):
pay the fucking lease for this thing? Are you kidding me?
I'm fucked dude. This if I gotta quit, I had
to look the secret job surprise. Jesus A quick man, Tommy,
what do you mean You've lost your job but you
have a Maserati? Now? Just well? Can I have my
(20:54):
fucking cold spaghetti in peace? Huh? For a job? You
brought it? You brought it up. I lost my job.
I got secret stand in the Mazerai. We'll just sell
them Mazerai. It's like a two hundred thou dollar car.
I work for the Treasury Department where I worked. Jesus Christ.
(21:15):
I can't just offload it immediately. I'm gonna get taxed
and it waits all right. I think i'd give you
like eight hundred bucks for it right now, Cashola, I'm
not gonna give you eight hundred dollars from Maserati. You
know you're not gonna give me. I'm gonna give it
to you, my good man, you're not. I don't want that, okay. Hey,
(21:36):
you explain to me your circumstances, and these are very
particular and highly sensitive circumstantial situations. Do you want these
homegrown fries? Are not? Okay? I'm just trying to sell
these fries and then I gotta go back home. That's
my job. Now. Yeah, I want the fries. I also
want that moat for eight hundred dollars. This car is
worth at least probably new. Yeah, but now I guess
(22:01):
what its own one owner, and I got myles on
it because I gotta drive Russian cold. I cook him
at home and I have to draw him sixty miles.
All right, oh brother, you know what I'm gonna I'm
gonna follow report, do the better business. Come on, don't
(22:23):
funck me, man, don't fun man chief. I'd like to
know who my secret Santa was, because I know that
we can't spend over fifteen. Somebody just gave me garbage.
I mean I opened it up and it was just
(22:44):
crumpet paper, some half eating candy bars, literal garbage, maybe
picked less than fifteen. I don't think this person bought anything. Jeez,
I didn't realize you're having a meeting. I thought, okay, sorry,
I'm gonna secret. Sorry, I'm gonna throw up. Every time
(23:07):
I fucking look at you. I want to kill myself. Sorry. Yeah,
you know, not the chief. Sorry, sorry, Chief, you have
to cheer. This is just a visceral reaction. God, I
want to scream. I'm taking my pants off. I'm uncomfortable.
I have to leave. God, it was her. Well, I
(23:28):
think we may have our culprit bag of garbage. I
think the biggest thing though here is, honestly, who's storing
away happy eating candy bars? What monster doesn't finish a
candy bar? And you said there's multiple candy bars? No,
it was one happy eating candy bar. There's other garbage
in it, but one. Starting boats from the chief, we
(23:49):
gotta reshuffle the secret Santa's Tommy, since Tommy's gone and
all that. So we're gonna just reshuffle, and you should
be able. You should just get it on your do
you mind if I hand out the names to people,
so that I can at least give my name to
somebody that's not going to give me garbage. Oh yeah, sure,
(24:10):
thank you. The one fucking job I get to do
it right here, just once a year. This is what
I gonna do. And you want to take Okay, you got,
you got. If I was to slip you a bill,
Can we stand in private for just a second. You
already said, just do it, Carl. The secret sent is
(24:31):
not working because the gifts have ranged from garbage to
a Maseraii. Right, I might propose, uh that we do
more of a ah right, right right. Explain to me
again how that one kind of uh, yeah I have this,
(24:58):
I have this. U. Well, yeah, you open a gift. Yeah,
you put all the gifts out there, and then uh
you can see you can steal, you can steal previously
open gifts, and so there's uh there's usually a kind
of think well that stealing in quotes, it's not you
can okay. So let's say the first gift is a
(25:19):
bottle of bourbon. Uh, and the second gift is, uh,
I don't know, decad tarot cards. Uh. And if you
don't want the tarot cards, you've been like, I want
the bottle of Burlet's just called again. It's a white
elephant or you know, there's different regional names for it.
Welcome to the target. Hey Bobby, how are you doing? Hey,
(25:41):
good man, how are you actually? I'd say you're doing great?
Why would you say that? I don't know. Maybe I
just bought you this target for secrets, Santa. I bought
this target for you. You just throw my lap several
million dollars worth of retail that I have to offload.
(26:03):
Who's your piece of ship, Bobby, he's Bobby, this guy
damning target. I'm fed toilet. I'm the electrical load three thousand.
Don't share a piss in it. You can ship or
pissing me. It's just not plugged in. Oh my god, man, Christmas,
(26:27):
no man, no merry Christmas. Many Christmas is the right
place to come. I'm looking for the potato man. Yeah,
it's me fries. Yeah. I looked at your spot where
you usually are, sixty miles out from the town center,
and you weren't there anymore because I had to take
(26:47):
this job. But I'm gonna be there tonight from two
am to three a m. I don't know, I don't know, ma'am, ma'am,
stand down, stand down? What they by? Oh? My god,
(27:11):
What the funk? Did he just explode or something? Shoday
water Holy so Chief Tommy is dead, but Tommy is done.
I don't need that he was in the field. Did
he give his life saving the president? No? I mean
(27:32):
that's that's how all of this want to go. That's right,
that's our deepest dream to go out that way. Uh.
But in fact he went out he was shot by
by Bobby. Wait a minute'm getting that. I'm getting I'm
getting that was Bobby is dead. Bobby is dead. Tommy,
(27:54):
Tommy who no longer works press shot right, like you
can steal the second Yeah? Yeah. So uh so let's
say that the first gift is an electronic toilet. Uh yeah,
I'm gonna actually, Harry, I'm gonna take that that rubbis
cube set, and I'm gonna give you my bag and garbage.
(28:16):
So I'm the last one. I think that's a very
fair trade. That's not fair. That's the way I think
it was intended to work out. As a person who
put the garbage into the gift circle, I couldn't have
worked out better for me. This is great set. This
is a great set, A great set. Yeah, ub ecube set,
Oh yes, And I hate bags of garbage. Please excuse me,
(28:42):
excuse me. I'm the janitor here. I've been putting my
bags of garbage in one area to collect them at
the end of the night, but they keep coming up missing.
I'm taking your bags of garbage. You really give a
shit about that? They go out of the building one
way or another. Maybe I should tell you my name,
(29:02):
go ahead. You don't have a name tag on. I
don't even have a name. Chris Kringle Agents Chris Kringle.
Mind blump, what your job? It's a former agent for
the Secret Service that you've been on the top ten
(29:22):
list of the FBI for six hundred years. Bingo, baby,
let's call that scene? Shall we see? Three comes from
(29:45):
patron al comeniac Paul, who wrote five and he added
a scene suggestion Kangaroo Milkers. He finished his scene his right,
his message. I believe there's the word by writing love
always Paul Hadden of Maryland. Kangaroo Milker just gonna be
(30:05):
just a creek seapool for a year right now. He's
just shiney, a little tour, just part of this ye see.
E Csid just wanted his home come up here and
just milk the kangaroo. Sangaroos. Are they gonna punch that?
So I just come out. I think he said they
have a kangaroos. Come on out. Okay, I'll I'm I said,
(30:35):
I'm justification. I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna do kind
of wild things. Thank you, I'll do it. I would
like to touch the kangaroos. Yes, he just ran fair.
You know, he said, milk ze kangaroos. Sorry, I think
you're supposed to milk see kangaroos. Okay, because just because
(31:02):
I talk different from you, I'm on vacation. Also, oh
my god, you have such a scary voice and just
your face it's almost translucent, scary to see, like the
blood moving through your skins. Disgusting. What's happening? Okay? So sorry,
I just milk the kangaroos like their cows. So you
milk the kangaroos like they are kangaroos. Okay, Well, then
(31:24):
if you know so much about it, why don't you
do it first and I'll follow after You're okay, I will?
I will, yes, Colonel Clink show us how to milk
the kangaroo. That's that seems inappropriate. You're touching that you're
touching the kangaroos. Man, you're touching what are you doing?
(31:45):
But oh my god, kangaroo, yes, speak, well, speak, don't
ask to milk you? But if you want up with
your face? Man, what's up with your face? We don't
get a lot of sunshine with I'm from, so I don't.
This is my vacation. I'm trying to just escape. Sorry,
(32:13):
but if you can, you point me to the nearest
female kangaroo and that's what I'll pay you five five
berries if you let him milk you. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I don't want to milk a male kangaroo. Well I
(32:34):
want to malk. I was this is supposed to be
a tour a milk female kangaroo? Oh dude, what dude?
You know what? You know what? Milk me? Dude? Go
to side. A lot of these tourists coming today's wait
and wait am I I think we're gonna have to
shoot down the little tool for a bit. Well, you
(32:55):
need to be fair. You did call it the milking
kangaroo talk, So I think the it What do you
mean you did? You said that like it's a question.
It was like okay to me, it's in it a
beat like a question, will you it's room? Where I
did say it's an information. I was agreeing there's information
and upfront saying what's it? This information out front? What
(33:18):
does it mean? Yeah? What do you mean? What do
you mean this information out front? What do you mean
this information there? Fro? What are you trying to sign
the information? I'm trying to say, what night? What do
you think some scence to what you actually signed? Everything?
It's just what I'm severything is information, right, the information
information to whom he's speaking to you? To get this information? Rick? Rick?
(33:43):
How do how was the Australian lesson? Did you? Did
you learn anything on how to speak Australia? No? What
come on? You got you? You must have? You spent
so much time around I don't have an ear for it. Okay,
that's okay. We paid for an immerging experience. Yeah, I
just want you to get something out of it. I
(34:05):
feel bad about myself. Well, y'all do about me or yourselves?
We love it's no farm outside of Sydney for a
month and you know what I did? You know what
you do? Yeah, that's exactly right. But that's the lot
(34:26):
of weaners a lot of kanyaro weiners had a good time.
Um we we we love that you rented our space
here and then you're gonna put on this you know,
dinner kind of theater down under. You know all that.
It was great. I know I don't do this normally,
(34:48):
but they're just it's just not immersive enough. Do you
get me here? Now? What are you? What are you asking? Look,
it either has to be a lot more immersive or
we're gonna have to shut you down. I'm gonna have
to pull the contract. Okay, what what do you mean
(35:11):
by more immersive? Literally that it's just the immersives not there,
So there's not enough emerging. Yes, the immersive is not there.
That's what I'm trying to say. What is there? Xander?
If you don't mind, let me just pitch in here
a little bit. Uh. What he's Xander's attempting to suggest
(35:32):
as that you involve the people a little bit more
in the experience, uh, thereby being more immersive. For example,
I'm not a big fan of Xanders or his ability
to help other people, so I'm gonna make more immersive him.
Why are you doing in the face? Christ what you
(35:55):
that's it? Rick? I'm sorry, but he's got you gotta
fire him. You have to fire him. Okay, let's do that.
Let what I was yes, okay, obviously have more audience interaction,
but for cut stakes than no one's speaking in the
goddamn Australian accent. Don't don't talk, all right, I'll try
it right now. Then, all right, here we go in
(36:17):
all earnestness. Give I want to give my customers a
good experience. Are you doing the act? No? No, no,
I'm building up. I just can't get started, you know,
I neither couple like warm up words. Are you starting out?
What has happening? No? No, no, It's like I want
to inhabit the spirit of the Australian Jesus. All right,
(36:41):
So there's the stuff. There's like the basic stuff, right
like the mates. They don't just say it. You got
the DVDs of down Under the I'm sorry, sorry, but
I've been watching this whole thing and I haven't been
a messed one. I paid a good amount of money,
(37:02):
does hee tickets to the show, and all I'm seeing
is some sort of like bureaucritic ship. I did like
one that man punched the other guy twice it's not
part of the show now that I really really lock so.
But otherwise I really just I think I would like
my money back place. Yeah, well, before we give you
your money back, could you have a little conversation with
(37:24):
our friend Rick here. He'd like to know more about
you and your people and your country and that marvelous
accent of yours. So what I've been told is uh
the word or item raised. You know, what actually helps me,
as a night of Australian person to talk in this
(37:45):
accent is the word lies disc Yeah no, wait, we
haven't sold those in a while. Um, I mean I
(38:05):
need to Liza disks we do have right now. We
do have some blue rays, even those, you know, we're
kind of ant. How about some razor blades. Razor blades
were a blazer Liza disc electronic store pal we get,
(38:26):
we get CDs, we got DVDs, we get toilets. That's
about it, Liz, I don't have any laser disks. All right?
Oh honey your home. Did you bring something good from
your experience? Got there? They told me to milk a kangaroo.
(38:52):
Well that's not possible, but do you mean it's impossible?
Oh well, please continue torned out its blood is possible,
but no one told me then, I, oh, I don't
know who that is. I don't know. Let me get
(39:13):
the door. He oh, hi, how are you? I'm so
sorry interrupt I just wanted to catch you off at
a good time. I'm doing survey of our local city
and I just want to know where everyone's from it
if they're from here somewhere else, then we moved here
just a few years ago. Um, who is this? Somebody
(39:33):
from census? But I believe because where are you from
from the census? Did somebody just strife? I don't know.
I can see behind me now, Okay, why don't you
come inside? Okay, there's my life. Honey. She she be
(40:00):
the one who black such like an interesting smell of
what's cooking? What? What are you cooking? And where is
that dish from? That's that dishes from Germany? Oh? I
am in fact German. I guess you cannot tell from
the accent. No, okay. Before I teach the very basic
(40:20):
things about speaking the English language, why don't we go
around and then your best broken English, as we like
to call it here in America, tell us a little
bit about yourself and your homeland. We'll start with, well,
let's just start with that guy. That fellow there in
the back who keeps waving is Oh my god, I'm
(40:41):
so sorry. I thought he was dead. I thought for
some reason there was a corp here. I don't know.
He didn't say anything. I can't be in a room
with a corpse, man, Oh god, I can't hear. All
(41:02):
these people sound like they're from America. Yeah, we're all
from America. Pal Is that a problem, asshole? We're trying
to have an immersive experience. Holy ship? Oh God, go ahead,
tell us about your homeland that I don't. I don't
feel very I feel like maybe I'm the only one
(41:23):
here that has the homeland. Everybody else is from New
Jersey or something, I don't know, from Connecticut, as from Pennsylvania, jackass,
New York. Okay, Dick, you see, you've made a very uh,
ill advised assumption to um. I know this is like unusual,
(41:45):
but I'm wondering if you had like a bag or
something you could put over his head, because every time
now that I see him speaking English, right, if I
(42:06):
was around a corpse for I was around a corpse
about six months and I can't be around a corpse wire. Sorry, sorry,
I'm gonna need more information. Why were you around a
corpse for six months? I was working for the super
Service and I was just kind of like, catch your back,
it's okay here. I was just like I was Places
(42:31):
Rick Places for the top of Kangaroo Milkers the Immersive Experience. Okay, everybody, okay, everybody,
Me me, me, me me. We got the head of
Sydney Opera House in the audience tonight. Does he want
to do the show? Think so? I think that Just
(42:52):
go ask him? Ask him? Okay, but okay, okay, yeah,
go go go go yeah yeah. Light excuse me, sir, uh.
I know this is a kind of a regular to do,
but um, would you like to join the show tonight?
(43:15):
I know you don't know any line of any deal
with happening? I mean I would would you mind? Would
you line? But I think it's a good light thing, right,
Louis got you what great? Would you still lives like camping?
(43:42):
Do this? Okay? Okay, Narrow, what're you saying? You're saying that? Hey, Donna,
I just want to say it before we go out
on stage, like I think you should this take all
the lines tonight. Are you saying this because I slept
(44:03):
with you this morning? Once again, places cannot places trying
to get out of this, but yeah, it's your show,
you wrote it, and you've also told me I'm a
bad actor this whole time. That's why I ended up
(44:26):
sleeping with you, because I thought it would make you
respect me more. But now this feels like, this feels faked,
This feels bad. Okay, you're right, you called me on it.
You're right, you're not. I don't think you're that good, Rick,
And he's right, he's not going to do it. Okay,
I'll do it. Hey, good, Look everybody, this is so
excited Rick. Now yet the curtains, are you guys ready? Yes?
(44:58):
We find ours salves in the a back of the
rugged Australian country, saw chit canes, kangaroos and like I
just crooked alls, you know what I mean. They're all
sucking and then all of a sudden, through the brush
comes off feelings brushman break the Great alp Bake has
(45:22):
taught me many lessons, lessons that I hope to pass
it down. I got this incredible. I know the past
down nor I know it was going to be immersive.
(45:46):
I think it is. I think when does the immersive
part come? I think it already started. I think it
started the second we bought our tickets. Are gonna get
up on stage for an immersive experience? Yeah, I think
here comes someone from Obiyanda till you're so ugly. I
(46:20):
wasn't expecting him to run away from me. I'm gonna
go back to my seat. This was not the immersive
experience I thought. Side, I need you go, okay, go lease,
are disc lease or everybody welcome to the ol back.
(46:44):
Oh we got all kinds of things, pizza's, taxis and
my favorite kangaroos. If if anybody wants to come up here,
I know you're all on this tour right now. Anybody
wants to come up here in milk a kangaroo? Milta kangaroo?
You asked, Yeah, I'm talking about jerking it off, and
just be careful because you're gonna speak English to you. Rick, Congratulations,
(47:10):
I was fantastic. I don't believe. I mean, I have
never seen a dinner theater still make so much money.
I haven't rented this place out for Is that is
that guy still run here with the guy punch me
or no, is he still run? Okay, I think he's
gotten Donna. Holy shit, Shit, you crush so good. I
want to give you the least, Donna, the least. Wait,
(47:31):
I want to give you the least. Oh, I'm sorry,
I don't look. I wasn't looking behind me. Oh he
used to work for the census. Oh yeah, anyway, Sorry,
I'm sorry. I don't want this building. You offered to
(47:51):
give me the least, but I don't have any interest
in managing a building or having that tied to my name. Okay, Donna,
do you have any interest in being the lead role
for every performance for the rest of your life? Sleep
with you every morning before the shows? Absolutely not. I
do not want to take it. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
(48:13):
Then then then we'll do this' the lead role forever.
But you can't sleep with anybody else. Okay. That seems
healthy and fair. I think congratulations. All right, we're gonna
head out. Yes, have a great night. Such a nice
house by guys. Is that the show? I think that
(48:36):
was in it. I don't think we're supposed to be here.
I made it ended as it began, confusing and enjoying it.
I'm so sorry. Please can you pick up after yourself?
I have to do a fry shift in a little bit.
I can't get all the table, so just bust your section.
Who's that guy? I work here? Okay? So just please
(48:59):
clean up your plates throw them away in that I
can't tell if it's talking. I am talking to you.
I'm looking at you and you and you okay, I
see you as not. It's not done yet. This is fun.
Please go, please go. I have to please leave. I
have to sell fries I have Who are these people?
Tommy Tommy tom I haven't heard that name it so long?
(49:25):
Oh my god, wish it? Did you work at the
Secret Service? I'm a talking toilet tonight show. Oh baby,
I'm just gonna say it's uh, James Heeney, thank you
(49:47):
so very much for being here, bringing your spirit and
your incredible voices and characters. Thank you. Wow. I appreciate that. Uh.
If you're trying to find me on the internet, you
could probably just s the real James Heney and Google
and I bet you it'll bring it to something that
is attached to me. But you're okay, folks, not trying
(50:07):
to find you on the internet. I mean, I guess
if they don't have time for it, but it's a
pretty quick search. Fair enough look for James Heeney. Fuck
Caroline Carter, thank you saying so much. Um, if anybody's
trying to find James Heeney, they can go and set
to my Instagram, which is Carter poop and that's what
(50:30):
they'll find stuff about me. Yeah, okay, cool and Christo Varado.
I don't think some people. Some people just aren't good
at I can't do Australia to save my life. But
also like singing, I'll hear a song on my head, yeah,
and then I'll try to sing it out loud. I
(50:50):
can't do it. And I feel like I'm one of
those people who are like you're like in a coma
and you can hear everybody, but you can't talk. It's like,
I know what it's sounds like. I hear the song,
I hear the accent, I hear the voice, and then
I just try to get it out and it won't
come out. And I'm with you when I watched below Deck,
as Jamie just pointed out, and they say, de can
(51:10):
for deck can? I think I can get that accent?
Who says de Can, and then I just can't maintain it.
And it takes a Caroline Carter and a Joey Here, Craig,
how is your austelly accent? I don't know. I feel
like you were holding back a little intentionally. So it's
weird because it's so close, you know. Yeah, we'll have
(51:32):
to spend time or not or not. I guess that's
an option. We can just own that we're just not special. Yeah, Joey,
I think you're special. Okay, thanks, I think you're right back.
You know, check me on the game front, check out,
(51:53):
checking stinkers, pod stinkers, check out the check go to
Craig's house is pure on the window. Who he's doing,
you know, Craig, you don't know. If you're at Costco,
you might see you or Chris. I mean, there's so
much to do in the city. Nice. That's it, all right.
(52:13):
Let's thank Doug Baymar engineering five folks that I heart media.
I'm yours. Kevin Pollack reminding you please behind you each other.
It's the easiest choice. Enjoy your holiday season until next time.
Well, come back to another episode about me this I'm
your host once again. Kevina like, yes that, Hey, I'm
thrilled me back? Are you kidding? Are you dude? The fun?
But I digress. Let's make an artimist shower, no particular order.
Let's welcome Chris Alvorado Walt Climber to the stars. What's
(00:26):
the third thing people get wrong about you? They? Um,
they assume I'm just white. I'm I'm I'm I'm white,
which is fair, which is because I appear to be white. Yeah,
you want to help them, uh stair clear of the
Caucasian title. Well, now, I mean I get it, I
(00:49):
get it. No one's but they do get it wrong.
But that's not their fault. That's not their fault. But
you know, my father is a small brown man who
I love very much. His name is I don't need
to see his name, but you know he's throwing eras.
These are the jungles of Hunduras. So, um, I don't
think you need to say jungle. Yeah, well that's true,
that's true. That's just well, thanks for coming out. You know,
it took Luis c k a lot longer to come
(01:10):
out as uh, any sort of Latin blood. That's right,
that's right, lengths to uh alter his name. It felt
like two And then it turns out there some other
issues as well. So thank you. Yeah, we don't. That's
the only thing we share we have in common is
that we're viractional. Is it? Is it? The only thank you?
Both are writers. There we go when we're looking for
(01:33):
and now are weekly dose of Craig Katkowski Kako. What
is your favorite Thanksgiving meal item? And why? I gotta
say stuffing? Yeah? For what? For whatever reason? I need
a little more uh specificity the kind of stuffing? Um,
(01:54):
I mean what you it's gonna have a lot of
gravy on it. It's I don't I don't mind you
hate you hate stuffing. What you want is a gravy boat?
Do you want a gravy delivery system? I guess it's gravy.
I guess there's one thing you can't leave out. It's
gravy because it goes over everything. I'm I'm only teasing
(02:16):
because I am so like minded. I love stuffing. It's
my favorite item. But without gravy, there's something missing. Yeah,
they gotta go to go. Yeah, yeah, Well thank you
for that. Sure you say hello to Caroline Cutter. Carol,
when you go to the movie theater, what are your
seat and food selection? Well, I hate to say this,
(02:40):
but I started going to Alamo Drafthouse. You guys ever
been there? It's like, okay, you should all go. There's
one in downtown l A. And if you're listening there
throughout the country, and you can order like full food there,
like meals, but not in like a way that's disgusting,
in a way that it's actually good. Um, so that's
(03:03):
what I want. I want like they have like pizzas too, though,
which I'm not going to be eating a fucking pizza
in the movies, So I'll do like some juicy tenders,
maybe some chicken tenders, and yeah, they've gotta be juicy.
And then in terms of seats, I really just don't
like being on the aisle, but I'll go anywhere else. Okay,
(03:24):
So I need you in really quick, Caroline. I haven't
seen you in a long time. Caroline. I need to
tell you that my fiance Jessica Low is probably the
biggest Caroline Cotter fan in the world. She cannot stop
talking about you. She thinks you're the funniest person in
the world and she just loves you. Well, she can
start the fucking fan club, because I think that there
(03:46):
needs to be I think this, I need to monetize it,
I need to get this out. And I think having
someone who's like a million times more successful than me
be my fan I think is maybe that's kind of
my way, you know, no pressure, no pressure on her,
but that's I'm kind of putting all my eggs in
that basket. Put her career where her mouth is. That
(04:09):
that's exactly what I means to say. And then there's
James Heeney, Jeffrey Jim Who was your favorite cousin growing up?
And why? Um, well, I had a lot of favorite cousins. God,
that's a hard thing to ask somebody. I think, I
(04:29):
know her name is. I know her name is, but
she's kind of an estranged cousin. I don't I'm not
in contact with her anymore. Uh, wrong story. But she
was my older cousin and she really was very creative.
So when I played with her as a child, we
(04:49):
would play crazy things that I think kind of inspired
me to do, like improv. Oh shop good, good, good good.
I'm nice to hear. That's what she inspired you to do?
And I asked, too many giblets and your gravy if
you think at least it's Joey Greer blind. Dade bailed on,
what about the first time you felt under a brawl? Oh? Man,
(05:14):
I guess that it had to be when I was
like walking through Target and I was on shift right,
and I remember I was just there like, hey, did
you gotta go stock in the back? And I'm like
a lot of second here, What the hell are these shirts?
You know? And uh, I was like this is dope
because there was like like football padding or something to
kind of sports utility equipment, and oh my god. So
(05:37):
I go into the back and there are so many boxes,
so many boxes, and I'm looking at and I'm like, okay,
there's something wrong with one of these because there was
like this look like somebody had cut something on the
bottom corner of it. Huh, Okay, it turns out we
had a mouse problem. Like crazy, they think you do
you have to say problem or no? First, I'm hearing
(05:59):
any of it. Just your total guess how the holes
got on the bottom? Crazy? Do you do? You do
you like that idea? You? Okay? Because there it is
because you are on a wavelength. My man, you were
tapping into something that is so primordial. I've got more.
How do you feel about a massive heart attack? Okay? Sure?
(06:22):
All of our scene suggestions our gathered from your listener
email or our patron v I ps to become a
patron spart of the show and enjoy exclusive content like
standalone bonus scenes that are only available to you video
of our very recording sessions right now and at the
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(06:42):
I don't know if it's been discussed in my absence.
Uh two, you have a chance rather excuse me, not
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If you like some medicines asked by email, please write
to the podcast or Our email, of course, is Alchemy.
(07:03):
This email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. See one
comes from patron v I p Wyatt Hunter, who wrote, Hello,
my lovely is my scene suggestion? Is this a man
who can only speak in a sarcastic tone, defending himself
on trial for murder. I love you all in your madness.
(07:28):
Order in the court, order, order in the court. Will
not ask for order in my court again. I will
simply dismiss everyone seated in front of me. Now, then
to the defense attorney, I offered this insight before we proceed.
(07:48):
Your tone in my courtroom? Okay, and now you see
do you think that was a riddle? Do you think
he was giving us like a riddle? Hint? Know how
it wants you to stop acting like this when you're
when you're in the room, everything you say is like, oh,
it's like nails on a chark board. Honestly, you're doing
yourself a great disservice. Okay, Um, if I may have
(08:16):
a moment um from the prosecution, Um, judge is first,
I want to ask if you need a lozenge? I do. Okay,
here you go. You just voice sounded a little. I
hear these are good. You might need a bath too.
I'm sorry, Well, uh, if you really he said you
might need a bath too, I think he was being sarcastic.
(08:37):
That was the different he was talking to me. He
was talking to me, I need a bath. I fell
in some moderatelier m hm. Anyway, Um, as the prosecution
is doing our closing arguments, I just want to point
out to the jury and the judge and everyone else
in this courtroom that there in the evidence we have
(08:59):
the person defending holding oh nice, standing over the dead body, smiling. Um.
And so, as I've said before, this is a this
is a closed, open and shut, closed done case. You know,
how do you use a book? I know how to read.
I know how to read. Thank you, okay, and I rest.
(09:26):
That's that's that? Thank you? Rest? Yeah? All right, yes,
and with a defense like to call you witness at
this point, No, I think we're good. No, we're not.
We're not good. We're not good. Actually, we've decided, uh
that the best thing to do is to bring our
(09:48):
defendant up. Chris, get up there. We're gonna we're gonna do.
We're just gonna go through oh what you call a
questioning of Chris. May I just say something, This is
very unusual. I just gave my closing arguments and now
he's bringing up people. Both of you approached the bench
(10:09):
from both of you approached the bench. Okay, okay, seriously,
what the fund is happening? Well, your honor. We've been
waiting for her to close the defense because I don't
want cross examination. I don't want Yeah, but you're familiar
with the legal procedures. Yeah, but my client has what
(10:30):
we call his speech impediment. Okay, I don't think it's
an impediment. I think I can understand him. He just
sounds like an asshole. I'm gonna have to agree as
you guys both agree. But that's the impediment. I'm not
a scientist. I'm not a doctor. I'm not expert. I
got my online degree. Now that she's closed, I'd like
(10:52):
to bring Chris up and I'd like to just ask
him some questions. Fine, this is insane, It's not it
is insane. Alright, Chris, we got this. Get up there,
find me. I'm hiding. This is unusual. I'll admit that.
(11:13):
If everybody would look underneath your bench and see if
there's a Chris underneath. Oh, oh my god, he's let
kick me good damn it. Yeah, how did you fit
under the chair, Chris? I'm going to go through some
some common everyday phrases that you might have to use
in just everyday conversation to be more polite and you're
(11:39):
going to repeat them back to me. Okay, okay, okay,
are you uh? Are you ready? That's the first phrase,
that's the first phrase. Can you repeat after me? Are
you ready? Repeat after me? No, that's not that's not
(12:00):
the phrase. Um okay, why do you talk so fucking weird? Now?
I know that's just your impediment talking right now. You don't,
You don't meet so sound rude, but the way the
tone of your voice actually makes it as if you're
saying a rude thing. So I'm sorry, question, I'm sorry.
(12:22):
Why are you sound so fucking weird? Okay, that's good,
your trying variation? Um? Hi, uh, you guys are Chris's parents.
Thank you so much for coming to meet me after school.
We just have kind of a behavioral issue with Chris.
You do you know what this is making a lot
of sense now. Hearing what you guys are saying. I
(12:43):
think he's picking up your speech patterns and everything he
says sounds very sarcastic and um rude. Um. He makes
comments specifically about my personal appearance, for instance, which I
think is what you usually look like. Yeah, look at you? Well?
Um no, I I went through a break up, so
(13:06):
it's a little hard right now and a little let's polished,
I guess, and normal. So I don't think this is
appropriate for me to be teaching children, but I want
to let you know the way your son speaks in
class to me and others is not okay and I
need to change to come from home first and then
come through the classroom. Well, okay, So is that you
(13:34):
have a great night. Hey Alison, it's Tommy. Listen. I'm sorry.
I've made a horrible mistake. Breaking up with you was
easily the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I just
regret all of it, and I would like you to
consider uh taking me back and restarting where we left
(13:56):
off prior to my brain fart. Well, um, thank you.
So it's unexpected to see you here. Yes or no question?
Oh my god, I think I want to say yes.
But where we left off it was very bad. Um
you horrible. He took my cat and kicked him out
the window and said that my heart feel. So do
(14:17):
either of you hear work at Target? Or no? Yeah?
We both do. Actually, did you need something? Yeah? I
wanted to know where the electronic toilets are, so in
the electronic department or is in the bath department? Electronics? Yeah,
I have a great day. I can't believe you switch
your shift so we would work together today. Well, I
(14:39):
just needed to confront the whole thing and apologize and
on my behavior and just let you know and remind
you that cat was an asshole. Um okay, But I
don't think kicking it to its death was a way
to handle that. But no, no, it certainly wasn't. It
was a horrible way to handle it. It doesn't take
any of our teachers working target. Look at this, Let's
(15:02):
work with her. Let's work with her. Um. I just
um oh, he's biting my ankles. Hi, I'm your electro
commode three thousand. Let's say the preferences, all right, it's
at the part you're ready to get started? Yes, I heard, yes?
(15:27):
Do you like to go pee or pooh? Um? Boat?
What do I like to do? That's the question? Both? Yeah? Both?
Are you going pee or pooh? Right now? Yes? How
(15:48):
many squares do you like to use to wipe? Oh?
I thought it's had a little bit day inside it.
Um let's do are you sure? Yeah, ma'am, ma'am, you
uh aren't allowed to use this this is the display model.
(16:12):
Well how am I supposed to know if I want
it or not? Well, you can read the box, you
can talk to the box. I see all these kids
opening up the DVD boxes to make sure that d
ain't scratch. Why can't I use the toilet? Uh? Well,
because this year you can push the buttons. You can
talk to the starting day. Let me know how the
pressure is good. Oh, you've got pooping. Now. I can't
(16:38):
just stop pooping, sir. What do you want me to
have a heart attack? Uh? No, please, but this is
Oh my god, I've heard you can't stop pooping? Is
that right? That's right? There is no plumbing underneath this.
This just goes on. That's well. Third, it's just that
(16:58):
we ended display. Oh god, Oh you know that Starbucks
right half by the exit that's inside of this target. Yeah,
yes it is. That's where That's what I hate. I
hate one of those cake pops and it's just running
through Men's hard to imagine, but that is. Two comes
(17:28):
from the house favorite listener Christine Kelly, who wrote this
month's theme is Christmas Scene suggestion. What if the Secret
Service had a secret Santa Jim? Can I see in
my office fleeting. Are you are you? Yeah, step in
and close the door if you wing. I thought we
were gonna have a Okay, great, I'll see you guys later. Yep,
(17:50):
take care of Bobby. I don't think it is. I
don't think he was running by some ideas for Secret Santa,
and I was trying to explain the whole idea is
that it's secret and I wanted to get your latest
report on his uh status in the field and whether
(18:13):
or not he's got a future here with the organization.
On Tommy yeah, uh yeah, you're you're pausing. There is
pretty much all the answer I need that I'm gonna
push it a little further. Bobby talking because a report
on Bobby Tommy's good. By the way, Tommy's great. Yeah,
(18:36):
Tommy Salton, big big fan. It's Bobby. Uh. It was
in here running by ideas that was caused answer. First
of all, I thought we'd agreed on a fifteen dollar
cap for Secret Santa. We did, and uh, I think
Bobby wants to go up, up and beyond that. He
does so, so that's a problem right away. I mean,
(18:58):
we're we're all in government. Salsa not overays. You know,
I can afford that. Well, that's why I wanted to
bring a larger picture view, if you will, into his
job status and whether he's got a future. Here we're
talking about Tommy secret. I'm we can talk about you know,
but that's it though, you know. So I mean it's
just I mean anything, cards, just cash, it's fun. What's up, Bobby? Yeah,
(19:21):
So it's like, you know, anything you want to do it,
I don't give a ship man. You guys talking talking president. Yeah,
I had some ideas. I had some ideas. I had
some idea what are you gonna do? Well? I was
thinking like we should remove a limit cap limit right
and just really you buy the present that speaks loud
it's to you, you know. Yeah, I'm confused. It's also
(19:45):
like so clear that you come from like a lot
of money, and you know, like us other agents, we don't.
And so it feels like this is another one of
the times you're trying to like I don't need I
don't need to receive anything expensive. But if that's the standard,
So if somebody gets what I assume because I've seen
you you leave some of your print outs at the
communal printer. Maserati's pictures of your car. Okay, fine, I'll
(20:12):
just say it, Tommy. Merry Christmas, Okay, Merry Christmas. I
got you, Maserati. I know you were my secret. Well
you're a Maserati. What are you doing? Well into the
Treasure Department. I'm gonna get onto it for this ship.
Are you serious, Bobby, don't worry? What the money to
(20:32):
pay the fucking lease for this thing? Are you kidding me?
I'm fucked dude. This if I gotta quit, I had
to look the secret job surprise. Jesus A quick man, Tommy,
what do you mean You've lost your job but you
have a Maserati? Now? Just well? Can I have my
(20:54):
fucking cold spaghetti in peace? Huh? For a job? You
brought it? You brought it up. I lost my job.
I got secret stand in the Mazerai. We'll just sell
them Mazerai. It's like a two hundred thou dollar car.
I work for the Treasury Department where I worked. Jesus Christ.
(21:15):
I can't just offload it immediately. I'm gonna get taxed
and it waits all right. I think i'd give you
like eight hundred bucks for it right now, Cashola, I'm
not gonna give you eight hundred dollars from Maserati. You
know you're not gonna give me. I'm gonna give it
to you, my good man, you're not. I don't want that, okay. Hey,
(21:36):
you explain to me your circumstances, and these are very
particular and highly sensitive circumstantial situations. Do you want these
homegrown fries? Are not? Okay? I'm just trying to sell
these fries and then I gotta go back home. That's
my job. Now. Yeah, I want the fries. I also
want that moat for eight hundred dollars. This car is
worth at least probably new. Yeah, but now I guess
(22:01):
what its own one owner, and I got myles on
it because I gotta drive Russian cold. I cook him
at home and I have to draw him sixty miles.
All right, oh brother, you know what I'm gonna I'm
gonna follow report, do the better business. Come on, don't
(22:23):
funck me, man, don't fun man chief. I'd like to
know who my secret Santa was, because I know that
we can't spend over fifteen. Somebody just gave me garbage.
I mean I opened it up and it was just
(22:44):
crumpet paper, some half eating candy bars, literal garbage, maybe
picked less than fifteen. I don't think this person bought anything. Jeez,
I didn't realize you're having a meeting. I thought, okay, sorry,
I'm gonna secret. Sorry, I'm gonna throw up. Every time
(23:07):
I fucking look at you. I want to kill myself. Sorry. Yeah,
you know, not the chief. Sorry, sorry, Chief, you have
to cheer. This is just a visceral reaction. God, I
want to scream. I'm taking my pants off. I'm uncomfortable.
I have to leave. God, it was her. Well, I
(23:28):
think we may have our culprit bag of garbage. I
think the biggest thing though here is, honestly, who's storing
away happy eating candy bars? What monster doesn't finish a
candy bar? And you said there's multiple candy bars? No,
it was one happy eating candy bar. There's other garbage
in it, but one. Starting boats from the chief, we
(23:49):
gotta reshuffle the secret Santa's Tommy, since Tommy's gone and
all that. So we're gonna just reshuffle, and you should
be able. You should just get it on your do
you mind if I hand out the names to people,
so that I can at least give my name to
somebody that's not going to give me garbage. Oh yeah, sure,
(24:10):
thank you. The one fucking job I get to do
it right here, just once a year. This is what
I gonna do. And you want to take Okay, you got,
you got. If I was to slip you a bill,
Can we stand in private for just a second. You
already said, just do it, Carl. The secret sent is
(24:31):
not working because the gifts have ranged from garbage to
a Maseraii. Right, I might propose, uh that we do
more of a ah right, right right. Explain to me
again how that one kind of uh, yeah I have this,
(24:58):
I have this. U. Well, yeah, you open a gift. Yeah,
you put all the gifts out there, and then uh
you can see you can steal, you can steal previously
open gifts, and so there's uh there's usually a kind
of think well that stealing in quotes, it's not you
can okay. So let's say the first gift is a
(25:19):
bottle of bourbon. Uh, and the second gift is, uh,
I don't know, decad tarot cards. Uh. And if you
don't want the tarot cards, you've been like, I want
the bottle of Burlet's just called again. It's a white
elephant or you know, there's different regional names for it.
Welcome to the target. Hey Bobby, how are you doing? Hey,
(25:41):
good man, how are you actually? I'd say you're doing great?
Why would you say that? I don't know. Maybe I
just bought you this target for secrets, Santa. I bought
this target for you. You just throw my lap several
million dollars worth of retail that I have to offload.
(26:03):
Who's your piece of ship, Bobby, he's Bobby, this guy
damning target. I'm fed toilet. I'm the electrical load three thousand.
Don't share a piss in it. You can ship or
pissing me. It's just not plugged in. Oh my god, man, Christmas,
(26:27):
no man, no merry Christmas. Many Christmas is the right
place to come. I'm looking for the potato man. Yeah,
it's me fries. Yeah. I looked at your spot where
you usually are, sixty miles out from the town center,
and you weren't there anymore because I had to take
(26:47):
this job. But I'm gonna be there tonight from two
am to three a m. I don't know, I don't know, ma'am, ma'am,
stand down, stand down? What they by? Oh? My god,
(27:11):
What the funk? Did he just explode or something? Shoday
water Holy so Chief Tommy is dead, but Tommy is done.
I don't need that he was in the field. Did
he give his life saving the president? No? I mean
(27:32):
that's that's how all of this want to go. That's right,
that's our deepest dream to go out that way. Uh.
But in fact he went out he was shot by
by Bobby. Wait a minute'm getting that. I'm getting I'm
getting that was Bobby is dead. Bobby is dead. Tommy,
(27:54):
Tommy who no longer works press shot right, like you
can steal the second Yeah? Yeah. So uh so let's
say that the first gift is an electronic toilet. Uh yeah,
I'm gonna actually, Harry, I'm gonna take that that rubbis
cube set, and I'm gonna give you my bag and garbage.
(28:16):
So I'm the last one. I think that's a very
fair trade. That's not fair. That's the way I think
it was intended to work out. As a person who
put the garbage into the gift circle, I couldn't have
worked out better for me. This is great set. This
is a great set, A great set. Yeah, ub ecube set,
Oh yes, And I hate bags of garbage. Please excuse me,
(28:42):
excuse me. I'm the janitor here. I've been putting my
bags of garbage in one area to collect them at
the end of the night, but they keep coming up missing.
I'm taking your bags of garbage. You really give a
shit about that? They go out of the building one
way or another. Maybe I should tell you my name,
(29:02):
go ahead. You don't have a name tag on. I
don't even have a name. Chris Kringle Agents Chris Kringle.
Mind blump, what your job? It's a former agent for
the Secret Service that you've been on the top ten
(29:22):
list of the FBI for six hundred years. Bingo, baby,
let's call that scene? Shall we see? Three comes from
(29:45):
patron al comeniac Paul, who wrote five and he added
a scene suggestion Kangaroo Milkers. He finished his scene his right,
his message. I believe there's the word by writing love
always Paul Hadden of Maryland. Kangaroo Milker just gonna be
(30:05):
just a creek seapool for a year right now. He's
just shiney, a little tour, just part of this ye see.
E Csid just wanted his home come up here and
just milk the kangaroo. Sangaroos. Are they gonna punch that?
So I just come out. I think he said they
have a kangaroos. Come on out. Okay, I'll I'm I said,
(30:35):
I'm justification. I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna do kind
of wild things. Thank you, I'll do it. I would
like to touch the kangaroos. Yes, he just ran fair.
You know, he said, milk ze kangaroos. Sorry, I think
you're supposed to milk see kangaroos. Okay, because just because
(31:02):
I talk different from you, I'm on vacation. Also, oh
my god, you have such a scary voice and just
your face it's almost translucent, scary to see, like the
blood moving through your skins. Disgusting. What's happening? Okay? So sorry,
I just milk the kangaroos like their cows. So you
milk the kangaroos like they are kangaroos. Okay, Well, then
(31:24):
if you know so much about it, why don't you
do it first and I'll follow after You're okay, I will?
I will, yes, Colonel Clink show us how to milk
the kangaroo. That's that seems inappropriate. You're touching that you're
touching the kangaroos. Man, you're touching what are you doing?
(31:45):
But oh my god, kangaroo, yes, speak, well, speak, don't
ask to milk you? But if you want up with
your face? Man, what's up with your face? We don't
get a lot of sunshine with I'm from, so I don't.
This is my vacation. I'm trying to just escape. Sorry,
(32:13):
but if you can, you point me to the nearest
female kangaroo and that's what I'll pay you five five
berries if you let him milk you. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I don't want to milk a male kangaroo. Well I
(32:34):
want to malk. I was this is supposed to be
a tour a milk female kangaroo? Oh dude, what dude?
You know what? You know what? Milk me? Dude? Go
to side. A lot of these tourists coming today's wait
and wait am I I think we're gonna have to
shoot down the little tool for a bit. Well, you
(32:55):
need to be fair. You did call it the milking
kangaroo talk, So I think the it What do you
mean you did? You said that like it's a question.
It was like okay to me, it's in it a
beat like a question, will you it's room? Where I
did say it's an information. I was agreeing there's information
and upfront saying what's it? This information out front? What
(33:18):
does it mean? Yeah? What do you mean? What do
you mean this information out front? What do you mean
this information there? Fro? What are you trying to sign
the information? I'm trying to say, what night? What do
you think some scence to what you actually signed? Everything?
It's just what I'm severything is information, right, the information
information to whom he's speaking to you? To get this information? Rick? Rick?
(33:43):
How do how was the Australian lesson? Did you? Did
you learn anything on how to speak Australia? No? What
come on? You got you? You must have? You spent
so much time around I don't have an ear for it. Okay,
that's okay. We paid for an immerging experience. Yeah, I
just want you to get something out of it. I
(34:05):
feel bad about myself. Well, y'all do about me or yourselves?
We love it's no farm outside of Sydney for a
month and you know what I did? You know what
you do? Yeah, that's exactly right. But that's the lot
(34:26):
of weaners a lot of kanyaro weiners had a good time.
Um we we we love that you rented our space
here and then you're gonna put on this you know,
dinner kind of theater down under. You know all that.
It was great. I know I don't do this normally,
(34:48):
but they're just it's just not immersive enough. Do you
get me here? Now? What are you? What are you asking? Look,
it either has to be a lot more immersive or
we're gonna have to shut you down. I'm gonna have
to pull the contract. Okay, what what do you mean
(35:11):
by more immersive? Literally that it's just the immersives not there,
So there's not enough emerging. Yes, the immersive is not there.
That's what I'm trying to say. What is there? Xander?
If you don't mind, let me just pitch in here
a little bit. Uh. What he's Xander's attempting to suggest
(35:32):
as that you involve the people a little bit more
in the experience, uh, thereby being more immersive. For example,
I'm not a big fan of Xanders or his ability
to help other people, so I'm gonna make more immersive him.
Why are you doing in the face? Christ what you
(35:55):
that's it? Rick? I'm sorry, but he's got you gotta
fire him. You have to fire him. Okay, let's do that.
Let what I was yes, okay, obviously have more audience interaction,
but for cut stakes than no one's speaking in the
goddamn Australian accent. Don't don't talk, all right, I'll try
it right now. Then, all right, here we go in
(36:17):
all earnestness. Give I want to give my customers a
good experience. Are you doing the act? No? No, no,
I'm building up. I just can't get started, you know,
I neither couple like warm up words. Are you starting out?
What has happening? No? No, no, It's like I want
to inhabit the spirit of the Australian Jesus. All right,
(36:41):
So there's the stuff. There's like the basic stuff, right
like the mates. They don't just say it. You got
the DVDs of down Under the I'm sorry, sorry, but
I've been watching this whole thing and I haven't been
a messed one. I paid a good amount of money,
(37:02):
does hee tickets to the show, and all I'm seeing
is some sort of like bureaucritic ship. I did like
one that man punched the other guy twice it's not
part of the show now that I really really lock so.
But otherwise I really just I think I would like
my money back place. Yeah, well, before we give you
your money back, could you have a little conversation with
(37:24):
our friend Rick here. He'd like to know more about
you and your people and your country and that marvelous
accent of yours. So what I've been told is uh
the word or item raised. You know, what actually helps me,
as a night of Australian person to talk in this
(37:45):
accent is the word lies disc Yeah no, wait, we
haven't sold those in a while. Um, I mean I
(38:05):
need to Liza disks we do have right now. We
do have some blue rays, even those, you know, we're
kind of ant. How about some razor blades. Razor blades
were a blazer Liza disc electronic store pal we get,
(38:26):
we get CDs, we got DVDs, we get toilets. That's
about it, Liz, I don't have any laser disks. All right?
Oh honey your home. Did you bring something good from
your experience? Got there? They told me to milk a kangaroo.
(38:52):
Well that's not possible, but do you mean it's impossible?
Oh well, please continue torned out its blood is possible,
but no one told me then, I, oh, I don't
know who that is. I don't know. Let me get
(39:13):
the door. He oh, hi, how are you? I'm so
sorry interrupt I just wanted to catch you off at
a good time. I'm doing survey of our local city
and I just want to know where everyone's from it
if they're from here somewhere else, then we moved here
just a few years ago. Um, who is this? Somebody
(39:33):
from census? But I believe because where are you from
from the census? Did somebody just strife? I don't know.
I can see behind me now, Okay, why don't you
come inside? Okay, there's my life. Honey. She she be
(40:00):
the one who black such like an interesting smell of
what's cooking? What? What are you cooking? And where is
that dish from? That's that dishes from Germany? Oh? I
am in fact German. I guess you cannot tell from
the accent. No, okay. Before I teach the very basic
(40:20):
things about speaking the English language, why don't we go
around and then your best broken English, as we like
to call it here in America, tell us a little
bit about yourself and your homeland. We'll start with, well,
let's just start with that guy. That fellow there in
the back who keeps waving is Oh my god, I'm
(40:41):
so sorry. I thought he was dead. I thought for
some reason there was a corp here. I don't know.
He didn't say anything. I can't be in a room
with a corpse, man, Oh god, I can't hear. All
(41:02):
these people sound like they're from America. Yeah, we're all
from America. Pal Is that a problem, asshole? We're trying
to have an immersive experience. Holy ship? Oh God, go ahead,
tell us about your homeland that I don't. I don't
feel very I feel like maybe I'm the only one
(41:23):
here that has the homeland. Everybody else is from New
Jersey or something, I don't know, from Connecticut, as from Pennsylvania, jackass,
New York. Okay, Dick, you see, you've made a very uh,
ill advised assumption to um. I know this is like unusual,
(41:45):
but I'm wondering if you had like a bag or
something you could put over his head, because every time
now that I see him speaking English, right, if I
(42:06):
was around a corpse for I was around a corpse
about six months and I can't be around a corpse wire. Sorry, sorry,
I'm gonna need more information. Why were you around a
corpse for six months? I was working for the super
Service and I was just kind of like, catch your back,
it's okay here. I was just like I was Places
(42:31):
Rick Places for the top of Kangaroo Milkers the Immersive Experience. Okay, everybody, okay, everybody,
Me me, me, me me. We got the head of
Sydney Opera House in the audience tonight. Does he want
to do the show? Think so? I think that Just
(42:52):
go ask him? Ask him? Okay, but okay, okay, yeah,
go go go go yeah yeah. Light excuse me, sir, uh.
I know this is a kind of a regular to do,
but um, would you like to join the show tonight?
(43:15):
I know you don't know any line of any deal
with happening? I mean I would would you mind? Would
you line? But I think it's a good light thing, right,
Louis got you what great? Would you still lives like camping?
(43:42):
Do this? Okay? Okay, Narrow, what're you saying? You're saying that? Hey, Donna,
I just want to say it before we go out
on stage, like I think you should this take all
the lines tonight. Are you saying this because I slept
(44:03):
with you this morning? Once again, places cannot places trying
to get out of this, but yeah, it's your show,
you wrote it, and you've also told me I'm a
bad actor this whole time. That's why I ended up
(44:26):
sleeping with you, because I thought it would make you
respect me more. But now this feels like, this feels faked,
This feels bad. Okay, you're right, you called me on it.
You're right, you're not. I don't think you're that good, Rick,
And he's right, he's not going to do it. Okay,
I'll do it. Hey, good, Look everybody, this is so
excited Rick. Now yet the curtains, are you guys ready? Yes?
(44:58):
We find ours salves in the a back of the
rugged Australian country, saw chit canes, kangaroos and like I
just crooked alls, you know what I mean. They're all
sucking and then all of a sudden, through the brush
comes off feelings brushman break the Great alp Bake has
(45:22):
taught me many lessons, lessons that I hope to pass
it down. I got this incredible. I know the past
down nor I know it was going to be immersive.
(45:46):
I think it is. I think when does the immersive
part come? I think it already started. I think it
started the second we bought our tickets. Are gonna get
up on stage for an immersive experience? Yeah, I think
here comes someone from Obiyanda till you're so ugly. I
(46:20):
wasn't expecting him to run away from me. I'm gonna
go back to my seat. This was not the immersive
experience I thought. Side, I need you go, okay, go lease,
are disc lease or everybody welcome to the ol back.
(46:44):
Oh we got all kinds of things, pizza's, taxis and
my favorite kangaroos. If if anybody wants to come up here,
I know you're all on this tour right now. Anybody
wants to come up here in milk a kangaroo? Milta kangaroo?
You asked, Yeah, I'm talking about jerking it off, and
just be careful because you're gonna speak English to you. Rick, Congratulations,
(47:10):
I was fantastic. I don't believe. I mean, I have
never seen a dinner theater still make so much money.
I haven't rented this place out for Is that is
that guy still run here with the guy punch me
or no, is he still run? Okay, I think he's
gotten Donna. Holy shit, Shit, you crush so good. I
want to give you the least, Donna, the least. Wait,
(47:31):
I want to give you the least. Oh, I'm sorry,
I don't look. I wasn't looking behind me. Oh he
used to work for the census. Oh yeah, anyway, Sorry,
I'm sorry. I don't want this building. You offered to
(47:51):
give me the least, but I don't have any interest
in managing a building or having that tied to my name. Okay, Donna,
do you have any interest in being the lead role
for every performance for the rest of your life? Sleep
with you every morning before the shows? Absolutely not. I
do not want to take it. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
(48:13):
Then then then we'll do this' the lead role forever.
But you can't sleep with anybody else. Okay. That seems
healthy and fair. I think congratulations. All right, we're gonna
head out. Yes, have a great night. Such a nice
house by guys. Is that the show? I think that
(48:36):
was in it. I don't think we're supposed to be here.
I made it ended as it began, confusing and enjoying it.
I'm so sorry. Please can you pick up after yourself?
I have to do a fry shift in a little bit.
I can't get all the table, so just bust your section.
Who's that guy? I work here? Okay? So just please
(48:59):
clean up your plates throw them away in that I
can't tell if it's talking. I am talking to you.
I'm looking at you and you and you okay, I
see you as not. It's not done yet. This is fun.
Please go, please go. I have to please leave. I
have to sell fries I have Who are these people?
Tommy Tommy tom I haven't heard that name it so long?
(49:25):
Oh my god, wish it? Did you work at the
Secret Service? I'm a talking toilet tonight show. Oh baby,
I'm just gonna say it's uh, James Heeney, thank you
(49:47):
so very much for being here, bringing your spirit and
your incredible voices and characters. Thank you. Wow. I appreciate that. Uh.
If you're trying to find me on the internet, you
could probably just s the real James Heney and Google
and I bet you it'll bring it to something that
is attached to me. But you're okay, folks, not trying
(50:07):
to find you on the internet. I mean, I guess
if they don't have time for it, but it's a
pretty quick search. Fair enough look for James Heeney. Fuck
Caroline Carter, thank you saying so much. Um, if anybody's
trying to find James Heeney, they can go and set
to my Instagram, which is Carter poop and that's what
(50:30):
they'll find stuff about me. Yeah, okay, cool and Christo Varado.
I don't think some people. Some people just aren't good
at I can't do Australia to save my life. But
also like singing, I'll hear a song on my head, yeah,
and then I'll try to sing it out loud. I
(50:50):
can't do it. And I feel like I'm one of
those people who are like you're like in a coma
and you can hear everybody, but you can't talk. It's like,
I know what it's sounds like. I hear the song,
I hear the accent, I hear the voice, and then
I just try to get it out and it won't
come out. And I'm with you when I watched below Deck,
as Jamie just pointed out, and they say, de can
(51:10):
for deck can? I think I can get that accent?
Who says de Can, and then I just can't maintain it.
And it takes a Caroline Carter and a Joey Here, Craig,
how is your austelly accent? I don't know. I feel
like you were holding back a little intentionally. So it's
weird because it's so close, you know. Yeah, we'll have
(51:32):
to spend time or not or not. I guess that's
an option. We can just own that we're just not special. Yeah, Joey,
I think you're special. Okay, thanks, I think you're right back.
You know, check me on the game front, check out,
(51:53):
checking stinkers, pod stinkers, check out the check go to
Craig's house is pure on the window. Who he's doing,
you know, Craig, you don't know. If you're at Costco,
you might see you or Chris. I mean, there's so
much to do in the city. Nice. That's it, all right.
(52:13):
Let's thank Doug Baymar engineering five folks that I heart media.
I'm yours. Kevin Pollack reminding you please behind you each other.
It's the easiest choice. Enjoy your holiday season until next time.
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Kevin Pollak
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