August 6, 2020 • 66 mins
Serial killer accidentally invents a teleportation device.
Why cats don’t give a fuck.
An ad company pitches to the mob.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Oh, welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Is that Kevin? Now? I
said you should stay awake until cost will open so
you can be first in line. But I digress. Let's
meet our arms shower. We know particular order Slo to
Craig Atkowsky Coco. Is there a grocery store item you're
(00:25):
buying more than usual these day? More than usual? Um,
just every snack? I think um, peda chips, tortilla chips,
potato chips, and anything you can chip. I'm buying ice chips.
(00:45):
Is there a favorite dip that comes with any of
those chips? Ranch tips? Our cream dip? I think you
got three more in you? Yeah, veggie dip dip stick
and the last everyone's favorite skinny dip. I was gonna
go with onion dipping. Alright, look at everybody, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris,
(01:06):
you were here. Please uh share your new favorite treat.
My new favorite treat has been everything that my girlfriend
has been baking constantly. That's right. Uh, last night she
made a banana bread that was insane, and uh we
(01:28):
were gonna give one to my father. It was all
wrapped up. I was gonna drive to him today, but
I decided to keep it for myself. So you'll be
eating a second banana bread. That's correct, just confirming. Please
welcome first Tom and Patrick Rowland not j K. As
a new first time or tradition. Please tell us any
awkward story from your early days learning or studying improv.
(01:50):
Wow is a black person? There as so many? Okay?
So and my first improv class it was like a
level A class and um, I get up to do
a scene and I was like, I'm gonna do a
British accent because I wanted to try my British accent out.
Uh and uh so I do was uh stupid initiades
(02:13):
in the British accent, like welcome to London and my
scene partner, who nicest person. Um, but I think I
was the first black person sh ever interacted with said this,
Wait a minute, there aren't any black people in London,
And first off, yeah there is, but uh it quickly
(02:40):
had taught me how to just yes, and I was like, oh, yeah,
I guess I'm the first your addressed album president. Yeah,
I got my Luther on. Well, thank you for being here,
Thanks for having past the show, it's Caroline Cutter. Caroline,
(03:05):
what would surprise us in your pantry? Um? What would surprise? Well,
depends on what you're surprised by. Like, I don't have
anything that's not food in there, so nothing is really
that surprising at all, I would say, because it's all food.
But I have, um, you know, a lot of uh
(03:27):
Sechuan specific cooking stuff, so it's like a region of China.
It's like they have these Sechuan peppercorns that are really
tingly and spicy, so I, um, I love that stuff.
So I cook that stuff a lot, So maybe that's surprising.
It is surprising. I love myself some sechuana at it's
(03:50):
my favorite. Um. I didn't know there were Sechuan peppercorns
to be purchased, So thank you for that. All mails
some loosen and enlupe to please. They seem like the
gift that gives more than once. And last is that last?
(04:10):
Already last? But the hell with your face? If you
think of least, it's Joey Greer peaky drive. Uh why
great question, and there's there's not a short answer to this,
so let me just get into the meat and potatoes
of it. You know, the beginning and the end are
two things that we can access, but it's really beyond that,
(04:32):
because if we want to know who we are and
why we are, we should really start thinking about the
things that make us in the way that it is.
Because when you look at the Let's Do a Damn Show,
almost suggestions are gathered from your listener emails. If you'd
like to submit one, please do damn it right to
(04:53):
the podcast at your name here at alchemy just dot com.
That's your name here. See Number one comes from Patreon
v I P. Blue Jay, who wrote scene suggestion A
serial killer tries to create a deadly trap accidentally invents
(05:14):
a teleportation device. What's you all? The best of health?
Blue Jay? Trevor, Can I talk to you for a second.
What do you want? What do you want? Did you
did you eat that peanut butter? It seems like the
peanut butter with my name on it in the pantry
is missing at a posted note with my name on
(05:36):
it on the baby woke up in the middle of
the night and do some personal inventory before you go
around blaming other people. Fair. Fair, and I appreciate where
you're coming from, but I think you know me by
now well enough to know that I don't actually act
that way. So if I'm coming to you with a question,
you're wearing my shirt, I am wearing my shirt. Okay,
(05:59):
did you Is that not cool? Is that cool? It's fine?
Where the shirt? Fine, it's worth the shirt. I didn't
eat your peanut butter, but I'll buy you a new one. Okay.
So I'm reading your cards here. Yeah yeah, I like
a good what I see travel? I see travel? Oh
(06:20):
yeah yeah, okay, yeah, like I got on the bus
to get here. So, oh you want you want the money?
I don't like that. Oh oh come on man, this
is this is strange because there would definitely be travel
in your future, but I also see simultaneously death. Oh
(06:44):
come on man. That something kind of like metaphor, like
I'm traveling to the beyond or uh, there's your capin speaking,
I just want to welcome on. Thank you so much
for traveling with Death Airlines. We hope that your destination
is the one you were hoping for. I'm sorry, did
you hear that It sounded like he said death? Araline?
(07:06):
Can you please shut up? I'm trying to listen to you.
Please stop talking to me. I'm trying to listen to
the captain. I wasn't even talking to you. I was
talking to my neighbor on the other side of myself.
I can't hear the captain. I can't hear the captain. Please,
I needn't know what the captain saying. He's not saying
anything right now. Well, I can't hear him, did you.
I can't hear him. Do your flight attendants. They're doing
the best they can. As you know, we're under some
(07:26):
new guidelines. So keep those masks on and your mouth shut.
Enjoy your fly. Okay. I have a third and your
final card here. Okay, I don't know if I could
take anymore with these cards back to back to It's
it's not doesn't work like that, sir. It's not like
a lucky thing. It's it's already written. That's good because
(07:48):
like I go to the Cathinos and like card I
suck at it's like okay, yeah, okay, here we go.
Third card is no wammy, no wammy, no wammy, no wammy. Okay,
it's four numbers. It's to zero to two. Yeah, this
(08:08):
is something coming up in that time for you. Um
oh yeah, I'm I'm traveling. Oh wow, okay, I didn't
even make that connection to Yeah, I'm going to machu
Oh yeah, and that could be where the death comes
into it. None, that I think about it, I'm supposed
(08:28):
to be visiting the death Cave. I don't know how
that just then. So basically, your your hours up. You
paid for everything you knew that was already gonna happen.
Come on, can I can give you a bonus question?
You can ask me one question? Yeah, okay, Now I
(08:48):
will have to bring in my associate. I I don't
deal this way. I use cars. This is my associate.
This is fonding. Fonding, Okay. I was wondering why you
were just sitting in the corner eating eating Chris, go
out the can. You can ask fund it one. Come on,
(09:13):
this is like you know, rubbing the lamp for a
genie and then we're getting one wish? Are you? Are you? Okay? No? No? Fine, okay,
you have a great day. Kid me okay, I think
(09:35):
everybody's inside now welcome. I'm Gregory and these are the
death caves? Uh is you all have paid for the
anyone else here that audio information? They're sounds like an airport.
Oh sorry, that's my text thing. It dings like that,
Oh my god, you get service down here? Wow, that's
(09:59):
oh my god, five g I'm so jealous. I don't
I don't have any of your your air five causes
your air out of here. He won't get far. So
if everyone else could just turn off their phones, I
think it will be helpful, no problem, will keep the
(10:20):
dings in the dawn. I have to turn mine off
if I don't get service anyway. You know what, that's
a very good question. Yes, yes, the answer is yes. Okay, alright,
so we're going to travel along here if you want
to just stay close And does anyone have any questions
about that sound? That's definitely not boring tone. Oh that
(10:43):
does sound like a classic ghost howl, very stereotypical that this. Yeah,
that's why I don't. I don't really have any questions
because to me it seems either so obviously like fake
or just like the ghost is given up. But I
really want to talk to a ghost that like doesn't
give a ship anymore, you know what I mean? Yeah,
(11:04):
you gotta step that game out. Yeah it's sad. I
mean it's like, I know you're dead, but live a little.
You know, yeah, yeah, it's got like like did you
watch Beetle Juice and Dan decided that's how you're gonna
give you can give me a break, give me a break.
You're like just fucking coming at me hard and like
(11:24):
you don't even know what I've been going through. So
telling us, So tell us everybody, that's Larry, Larry the
ghost Larry. This is the group, and maybe they're coming
at you for specific reasons, and everyone should be open
to criticism and positive feedback. Doing my own personal inventory,
(11:48):
managed a little bit vampire on that one. Yeah. Well,
you know, my family, we signed up for the trip
and we definitely want to death caves. We did everything,
but man, we wanted the selling poe on. The main
selling points, at least to us, was that there would
be a ghost and never appear. Uh and through a
lot of poking and prodding from the tour guide, but
(12:09):
nothing happened. So I mean we'd like our money back,
you know, I mean, we can go to caves anywhere
in the world that just you've already gone on the
trip and returned. Yes, uh, you said the price you
paid included your round trip flight. Yes, seven nights at
(12:31):
at a Peruvian hotel. Yes, well, what is going on here?
Like can I can we get our money back? Or
we were supposed to see a ghost in that cave
and we didn't. If you read the fine print, there's
no promise of a ghost in the death caves. Oh
but that's what that's what you offer. That's what you offer.
Maybe the same thing as if like let's say, let's
say a steak a steakhouse said oh we got steak here,
(12:54):
but then you go inside there's no steak. I could
see the hell out of them. I could see the
hell out of them. I could I could go in
there and I could start being this ship of anybody
in that restaurant I wanted. Look, we're called ghost tours,
but I'm sorry, sir. Yeah, we're actually out of the stake.
Is there anything else on the menu that we perfect?
Fucking perfect? This is the stars in line? Get off, look, listen, listen,
(13:20):
listen to listen. As a member of the five G Society,
UM know that you will get service anywhere everywhere like that.
That comes with a bit of responsibility. Oh yeah, great power,
(13:44):
that's exactly right. So uncle, uncle Benn and me un Now,
now if you don't want that power. We have great
data plans here, unlimited use for LTE all day long,
and you just go about your life, now, can I
I got a couple of questions, and I can ask
more than one, right, because I've been in a situation
(14:06):
I couldn't. Oh interesting, no, yes, no, you like so
I have to ask me a little magical gimp character first,
I can talk right to you. This is this is
is a T mobile story, sir. Because he's right there
in the corner and he's he's eating cheetos and staring
at me. Oh he's just I think he's a customer.
He's my faults, sir. Um, So LTE what's that stand for?
(14:32):
Is that like light? Is it like you know? Oh?
Well they spelled it wrong. Um if five G say
I was, I can get coverage everywhere and anywhere and anywhere,
everywhere and anywhere. So hypothetical say I went to space done?
(14:54):
Oh um, say sir, anywhere you say it's gonna be done.
But remember the part where you have Hi, sir, thank
you so much for coming into um interview at NASA
here and I just see on your um. Sorry, I
have a lot going on my brain right now I
(15:15):
forgot the word. I forgot the word for your cover letter,
but that's what I meant to say. I'm sorry my
Linda resume resume. Sorry, I see on your resume here.
I'm sorry. Um no, my husband UM gave me some
(15:36):
of setting news. But it doesn't matter. I see here
on your resume that you want to work for NASA.
I need to take you away. Can you go to
paradise after the interview. I'm sorry, Frank, I really need
(16:01):
to do this interview. This is the one astronaut we
have interested. He's quality, PODi. Is someone else can do this? No, Frank,
you need to respect my boundaries. This is my work.
This is my job. So wait outside. I'll be outside
in like a minute. Okay, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Um,
(16:24):
he seems seems nice. He's fine. He has a very
average penis, and that's what I like about him. Um.
I saw here on your resume that you want to
Who was that was that? Frankie? Frank, Frank, I'm in here, God, David, Linda,
(16:44):
why are you doing this to me? You have given
you my heart? Probably How did you I locked my
office door? How did you get in here? Thank you? Right?
Thank you sorry. You're right, you're not You're not a
humble observer. You are a contender for being an astronaut. Okay,
(17:07):
so out of here, Rob please, I need to finish
this interview. Get the funk out of here. So the
average or mini, well, it's not it's it's um, it's
pretty big and you know what, I can't handle it.
I have the doctors told me I have a shallow
um shallow bones down there that don't really want anything past.
(17:35):
Oh wow, okay, so I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I saw here on your rest, Linda, thank you so
much for sticking around after the exam. I just wanted
to discuss when I mentioned to you earlier shallow bones.
I just wanted to see if you had any questions
(17:56):
about that. A lot of people aren't familiar with that term. Yeah,
I guess I don't understand um like anything about it.
You know what I mean? I don't understand anything about it.
Shallow bones? Does that mean short? What do you mean?
We don't like to use the word short. Uh. Some
people feel has a negative connotation. You shallow bones can
(18:18):
be very positive. Have you ever reached into an area
and it didn't go quite as far back as you
thought it might. Yeah, the only thing I can think
of is my own vagina when I reach in, I
can't go quite back as far as I perfect example. Yeah, yeah,
that's that's a little on the nose. So this is
the mangled corpse of Linda Cooper, head of head of
(18:43):
HR for NASA. She conjects the the initial astronaut interviews.
When people coming off the streets and why are you
showing this toast doctor? Does somebody's tech class? Is there
someone getting serve? Please turn off the phones. Okay, you're
not supposed to be getting serve. Sorry, Sorry, that's my iTunes.
I got a it's a it's a it's an alert
(19:06):
for alerts. Well. I was kind of thinking of like
doing like music, you know, like you know how Timberland,
the producer used like Godzilla's scream. I was like, Oh,
what if we used the ping bonds to do music
you're talking about? I have a band, I have a Hey.
Hey have you heard of Pixar music? Oh yeah, I
(19:29):
love Pixar music. That I was told you're you're all
an elite team of c s. I s, oh, we
can't have outside hobbies. You can have outside hobbies. But
I think addressing this this locked room mystery here because
the only possible explanation for me of how somebody could
get into murder her is if I don't know, a
(19:52):
serial killer accidentally advented some sort of teleportation device. Look,
if we're talking about hobbies here, I like the tattoo
gol Yes, dolls now, Hi, Um sorry, I'm sorry. This
is not me, but my boss has told me we're
not allowed to sell any more of our stock to
(20:13):
you because, um, it's almost Christmas and a lot of
parents are coming in here wanted to buy dolls for
their children, and last week you came in and you
you bought out our entire stock. And also, frankly, you're
just kind of creepy, and you have to understand this
(20:35):
is a toy store and we have kids here, and hey, captain,
I just want to I want you to know I
heard you in there. I heard your theory. I heard
your theory, and the rest of the guys we're laughing
about this like teleportation advice. But I just want you
(20:56):
to know I heard you, and I think there's something
to it. Every else in the department thinks I'm crazy.
I know, I know. I mean, it's the only explanation, right,
A serial killer accidentally invented some sort of transportation device,
teleportation device, transportation devices. I haven't I have it. I
have it. I have it, I have it, I have it.
(21:18):
Hi'm off the deep pen watch high time? Can I hold? Yeah? Yeah,
Cliff crashed through the surface where they can't burd us
Cliff far from my shallow booms. How does that sound? Okay,
(21:39):
I see you had a point to get to. My
apologies were trying to interruption. It's just it's a song
that's been used, and I think, are you writing a parody?
What's happening? No? Not just came to me. What do
you mean? Do I make shallow from the Star is born?
And they want a Grammy and an Oscar, a Groscar
(22:06):
or oh? I see you are a return customer. You
wish to have your cards right again? Yeah, that's right.
I'm back, and you say that I wasn't gonna be back,
So I mean, I mean, that's a whole another thing.
But let's let's read them cards. Okay, okay, deal and
no deal. Okay. You can't treat this as like a
(22:32):
gambling situation, like you're gonna win or lose. It's not
like that. I mean, but won't. I like, winning is
staying alive. Diane is losing a lot of people, a
lot of people lost, and I'm winning great. Okay, okay,
let's do it. So the first card I have here,
it's just the number five, Just the number five. Okay,
(22:55):
that's a fun number. Okay. Second card here, one letter,
it's just a G G. Yeah. Third card here, it's
probably going to be something mystical. It's usually what the
third card section is, so five The third one says here, um,
you know the truth? You want to select few know
(23:15):
the truth? Now? Does that mean anything to you? That
means everything to me, sir? Where are you going? Sir?
(23:42):
Please take your big Let me know how I get beer.
I was just having cars written and then I got
sucked into this portal and everyone says that when they
arrive and it's hilarious. So again, how can I help you?
(24:02):
Oh man? This do I get it? You're trying to
achieve before you arrive. We're playing it. We're playing a
game of poker. If you want to join in, cards
and steaks. I mean, dear man, I haven't played poker,
but I think I can get it. I've watched a
(24:23):
lot of the TV shows that have poker in it.
But to get to your question, little potato looking things,
do you have a name? Because I hate I hate,
I hate like just categorizing by what you look like.
Y'all have names. I would have never guessed that. Yeah,
and then buy the poker game? Is your soul? Oh?
(24:44):
Come on man? Okay, yeah, yeah, all right. I don't
know how to like put that on the table. Do
I like regurgitate it or do you know what? I'm
just write it? Oh dude, okay, you eternals what it's
referred to. I mean you will no longer have soul
as in music. Um oh damn, I gotta I gotta
(25:09):
family reunion coming up. And I don't do the choot
slide just right. There will be consequences. So you have
a big family there, Yeah kind of yeah, you don't.
I got his name, Keith? What's yours? Keith? Keith, Keith
(25:30):
all with the F like chief Keith Keith k e
E f right. Oh that's that's swear to God that
any who. Um, I I'm gonna play, I'm gonna I'm
(25:51):
not my soul. Uh are you expecting at the family really?
Oh about thirty five? Your favorite? My favorite? Well, I
gotta go with my mama because you know, birth. But
if you know outside the obvious, my uncle Benito, Uncle,
(26:11):
what are you mad? Him? Everybody? Clap your head, Come on,
y'all on the beach. Oh um, everybody? Yeah, well, welcome
to the Carter family reunion. Looks for all having a
good time. Huh family reunions. Yeah, I feel like I'm
(26:37):
the only one excited. I'm just scared because the DJ
stopped the records and then sounded mad. Yeah, he took
an ominous pause, and I was waiting to see what
was gonna fill that ominous pause. Yeah, he just kind
of remind us to have a good time. But I'm
excited happy to be here. Yeah. Where because we didn't
really pay him to lecture us or even talk to us,
(27:00):
but really just play the music. What's up? Man? Yeah,
it's probably not my place. I probably look I do
this a lot. I do this a lot. I'll be honest, Okay,
and uh, stopping the music, you do that a lot.
You're You're sweet, You're a real treat sir. Uh, And
I just feel he's got a real mouth on him. Huh. Look,
I'm when I feel compelled to say something, I'm gonna
(27:21):
say something. And that man right there is off. Something's
wrong with him. It's not just his rhythm. Something he's
different about him. I'm leaving happy, happy reunion, everybody. I'm
leaving weird. That's that's totally weird. Talking about why would
(27:45):
the dj of left unless one of us lost our
Oh don't don't, I guess I'll say it. Um, I
gave my soul up. Yeah, I gave my soul up too, honestly,
get everyone here five g um. You sacrifice for our
(28:07):
our cellular data. Yeah, it was the newest and best thing.
And you know, how long is it gonna be till
six g Maybe three years, maybe longer. And I wanted
us all to get the best g we could, so
I gave up my soul. Did they tell you when
you gave up your sol how much longer before we
each have our own individual cell tower? No? No, did
(28:29):
you mention that that didn't come up? Did you? Did
you play a card game with like a little potato
looking dude named Keith and his friend also named Keith,
And it was like poker. I played with Keith and
Keith I swear to God, I feel like I'm saying
the same thing is yeah, guy, family Carters, I got
(28:50):
something to confess to. I also lost soul. What why
are y'all more shocked about me? You have the most soul? Uh?
We're had, but yeah, we're still getting shocked over. Yeah,
(29:14):
it's just like every time you say it, it's like
the first time I'm hearing it. Oh, I got Uncle
Benito's not here to hear this this. Oh, he would
be real. Uh, the go's card he pulling up right now, everybody,
maybe we should pretend to be real. Member, you should
(29:34):
pretend to all have our souls. So that way Uncle
Benito won't know. How's he gonna know. He'll see that
there's no DJ. The DJ is gone. We don't have
to necessarily display whether a dog my god, the always
(30:04):
six people who don't have soul. That's a weird okay, Uh,
Uncle Benito. Now I realize you've gone to other psychic
mediums looking for guidance, and just so you know, not
all psychic mediums share the same vision. Well, then that
(30:29):
kind of like disproved psychics, right, because when y'all have
the same thing. That's how I approved that. Y'all right,
I don't know, kind of kind of like kind of
think of like a doctor. Right, you don't have a
PEP doctor if you're elbow hurt. Did you just think
PP doctor? No, I don't know. I have a regular
PP doctor, and I have my elbow doctor. There's a
doctor for each part of the body, everybody, exactly in
(30:50):
the same way that there is a psychic for each
part of the society. So why don't we flip these
cards here? Okay, and let's see what's going on cards.
Is that you or me? You have the same ring tongue.
Oh that's cool. Yeah, I think it's me, but you know,
(31:13):
don't check it. Don't check, don't ok So let's check
it at the end of your card. So let's over here,
and you know what, let's just go all three at once.
Just let's change it up. I normally don't do this, yeah, okay,
all right, So you have a spider card, the mental one,
you have a chargers yard, and then the last one
(31:34):
over here. It looks like it's hand drawn by me,
all right, And I didn't finish it, Okay, yeah, I
could see it's like it looks like, uh, you were
drawing plans for some kind of teleportation or time travel device,
but you didn't finish drawing it. What was that happened?
This is what you explained with the cards mean to
(31:56):
me right? Maybe your psychic you know what? And that
scene number one, damn. Scene number two comes us from
(32:17):
Anonymous who wrote Dear Alchemist Yesterday. Being hungover from life
in general, I started watching a movie on that popular
streaming site and suddenly I hear familiar voice. So I
closed my eyes and then it clicks. Kevin Pollock is real,
So there you go. War Dogs was a fun movie,
and it got me, uh into a suggestion for a scene.
I always wanted to know why cats just don't give
(32:41):
a fuck since ancient Egypt. If you expected something related
to that movie, I did too, But I digress, looking
forward to how you spice it up forever Yours, Anonymous Pharaoh.
The new litter Cats is ready, Yes, present the to
me get the cats? You want me to get the cats.
(33:06):
There's two of us here. One of us is um.
I was told the cats were ready, I have them,
bring them, don't just tell Okay, here are the great pharaoh.
Here are the cats. Lift the top, Lift the top,
and they'll come pop on out. This one seems to
(33:30):
be a little shy. Uh no, yeah, he is shy,
but it's also he has like a disease. He probably
probably live through the week. Which one is the most
powerful of these? Um? I don't I think maybe all
each ol. Okay, this one, this one with the beautiful
(33:53):
orange spots and shiny white and black fur, it is
a calico. Ah, it's it's scratched me. This kind of
scratched the Pharao. Get the catch out, Get the catch out. Okay, death,
death to the entire litter. Doctor. We need a doctor,
(34:17):
please doctor? Hello? We get two doctors? Great, okay, get there?
Uh did I go? Or you wanna? You wanna doctors?
Were ready? Yes? Yes, yes? Do you want a p
doctor or elbow doctor? Yeah? I work on the elbow.
I'm ap. Okay, well both of you go in there
because we need a face doctor. So just get in there. Okay,
(34:38):
just worked. Okay, what what I went to get in there? Yeah? Okay,
all right, here we go. What if what if these
doctors is touching my elbow? The other one's touching my
dicky yes, guess which one is? I know which that obvious?
(35:01):
I have a a laceration on my face, Pharaoh, Sir,
we have questions from the tribal council. It's regards to
who did the work on your face. The concern is
that the pp doctor did because there is now a resemblance. Well,
(35:22):
let me get a reflecting device and see if you
can see what we see. Mm hmmm, look into this
small pond. Yes, thank you for getting that pond. Me
to look at it right? Okay, if you just hover
over it, do you see he's got a dick on
his face? Man? Why some of the people in the
(35:47):
town square calling you dick face? To be fair, they
were calling me that before this incident. Look, I summoned
a talented surgeon to pair the laceration of my face,
and he worked within the medium that he is known for.
So yes, a dick was sewn onto my face to
(36:12):
cover the cat scratch, which made sense at the time, Sir,
God did they have to use my dick for that? Cheeze?
I felt like I should have stopped him, but you know,
he's a doctor to the pharaoh. Who am I? You know?
I'm just they take everything from us another. They take
(36:34):
my fucking dick and they on his face. You gotta
look at the bright spot. They left your balls, you know, right? Yeah, yeah, Ok,
you can imagine, you imagine. I can't imagine not having
my balls. But I'm glad they left a little too
second peace, so so that's nice. Yeah, dumb, dumb, dumb.
(36:57):
I'll line to the door. Do you mind because I
can't really get up. Yeah, Hello, here's hello. We're here
for Tim's balls. Uh, Tim, you're not gonna like this.
What is it? Pizza? No? No, no, no, no, it's
(37:18):
not not even pizza with Tim balls. I fucking hate pizza. Man. Oh,
you're gonna have a bad day then, my friend, it's
a whole bunch of pizza. Um. Sarah, we appreciate you
doing your book report on why cats have attitude. Um,
(37:41):
it just seems like you're kind of making some of
this stuff up. Now. The rest of the class we
talked about their animals, and you're talking about peeps sewing
on faces pizza. It just seems a little far fetched.
I don't know. My dad actually is an Egyptologist. He
knows how to read um hioglyphics, and he told me
(38:02):
that Sarah, we know that your father has been incarcerated.
What is that I have to do with anything? Good? Point?
So I kind of took some creative liberties. But the
thing is that people don't really know what happened in
nature in Egypt. None of us were there. So that's
(38:23):
why I would like to finish my presentation on the cats.
I just don't understand how can the Royal British Museum
lock me up in America for saying that pharaohs have
penisis sometimes? I mean, look at these statues. I mean
I unearthed them, the real They want to cover this
history up. You have to give me how do you?
I don't understand why I'm in a maximum security prison. Okay,
(38:46):
look I just said that he's got in statues and
takes on them. Forgot sakes? Why why am I here?
Can you sucking phone? I was parsing for dramatic effect
part of it. Calm down, all right, Look, you made
false accusations. Accusations, that's right, remating. I'm not good enough
(39:13):
for you now. No, No, you said I mean false acclamations.
What does that mean? Get it right? Accusations? First of all, right,
who's got the law degree sort of me, so sort
of what does that? What do you say? Why do
you slip sort of in there? What then does that mean?
It's legal terms? I have to say it by law. AnyWho,
(39:35):
Why why do you have to say that by law?
Why can't you just say you're a lawyer. You just
want to be correct, you know, you know, No, there's
a lot of ears around here, like you're locked up
in a museum for saying that had a dis one
on his face. I mean a maximum security museum with murderers. Yes,
it's right to stick with the other Egyptologists. We stay
(39:57):
with our own kind. And here it's just thanks for
getting my back over there. I didn't know ase paliontologist
could be so rough. Oh they're the worst. M Um
tell me, uh, well, what do you think that touton
Common was buried with? Um? This is not a test,
(40:18):
by the way, I'm just a conversation. We're looking just
through forces servants, um dicks. So do his face if
I made a jack Reggie, you know this is not
the pyramid, Nubie. We're just looking for your professional opinion.
I'm to don Common may have been buried with No,
(40:44):
he was buried with chariots, servants, gold Trim's cloger's son dicks.
There it is again, Yes, everything else the cloggers, like
everything else was spot one. Are you? Are you a
lot of Egyptologists? I just want to say, you're sitting
(41:07):
where us paleontallists usually sit. If you notice under your
feet you've got some bones there, and we want to
dig them up. You understand, Yes, we dig those bones
up proper quick. We will, yeah, proper quick, pop quick
and up the bones are there. Oh, that's what you
(41:28):
would think. It's an Egyptologist because all your statues and
pyramids are already dug up above the desert ground, above ground.
But we have to go below ground. We're gonna go.
We're gonna dig up your bones. If you don't kiss off, yeah,
you'll be you'll you'll you'll be sleeping with my accent.
Is Yeah, you'll be sleeping with his accent if you
(41:50):
don't kiss off. Understand. Look, we represent a discipline that
is actually about civilization, not a giant beast were buried
in the round through no fault of their But you
have you have the dick face man with you, don't
you He's not with us? If he's not with you,
(42:11):
that makes him alone with tell them, Sarah. So, so
just get to the point where you think cats have attitudes. Okay,
but it's a lot of back So I have to
(42:33):
do an order it to make sense, because if I
just jumped to the conclusion without proving my points, that's fair.
Little Listen, I've already like it's life. You've said the
words dick face and like, Sarah continue, professor, are we
going to be able to get to the other reports
or are we just like I mean, we've been staying
(42:53):
on hers for a week and a half. And if
you were a child prodigy, maybe we take a little
more time with you, Okay, but you're not. You're a
twice divorced man who's looking for himself. Okay, Professor. Like, so,
I like, I get it, she's a child prodigy, but
(43:13):
I feel like you're dumbing down the class for her
because we were like studying quantum physics and now we're
talking about her cat and like cats are angry. Excuse me, prodigy.
You know I was married twice. It's not divorced twice.
I was married twice. I found love twice, Thank you
very much. Okay, So let's let's I'd like to look
at a positive and there's a lot of growth. And you, okay,
(43:36):
what do you mean you're going to college to find yourself? Look, look,
I'm going okay, I just I have to do this
and we need to get we need to get divorced.
We're on our moon and and the moon is waxing
and waning, saying bye, I gotta go. All right, you
(43:57):
flew me to Cairo, and there was a mistake. All right,
that was a mistake. I should have had you gone
by boat. And I like you. I like you a
lot of think you're really chilling. I love you. Hey, guys, stiff,
it's okay with you. Could we finish the tour now? Yes,
(44:18):
yes we can. Please? Just can we be chilled about? Fine?
So now we're coming up on the wing of the
Great Farrell Temple where they're the cats. Yeah, if you
listen closely, you may hear the ghost of cats. Do
(44:38):
you mind if I jump in? I got some information
about this. I love to this is unusual. But of
course what are you doing? You don't know anything about this? Well?
I might, Okay, this is what I want to go
to college for. Go to college first, then give the
tour how it works. Get off of me. Um. The
(44:59):
stints was actually it was actually a Chrysler and that
what what dragon had that scene to scene to false
information man. Scene three comes from some patron VMP Nicholas
(45:22):
Marc Howard, who wrote, Hi Kevin, you know I love you.
But the audible and read in this Thursday's episode was
really bad and hence hilarious. It sounded like you wanted
to sob but you were afraid of being too loud,
and it was really low and quiet. It was fucking horrible.
That's why I read this one. Let the heeny fellow
(45:43):
give you a few pointers. He knows how to sell
ship anyway. You will get there someday. Buddy, here's my
suggestion and I'm gonna re record it for sure. It
sounded so freaking horrible. Uh okay, here's the scene suggestion
and add company pitches to the mob best Nicholas Um. Okay,
(46:04):
so you know, um, we're really excited to be here today.
I know this. Yeah, so um our company we've got
a really kind of crazy idea. But it's just a
company that is just for advertisements. Okay, and we think
that me and my partner up here, think that, Um,
we're offering a lot of services and we would have
(46:26):
a lot of resources for you that you wouldn't be
able to get maybe with your um, your way, your
typical ways of doing things, take it away away, take
it away, and so um mafia, um, your brand is
(46:52):
a just a businessman. We am a business guy. What
are you doing telling me that, telling me that I
can't do it? Spool worrying? It's not now now. We
want to make you the uber of crime. Okay, so
thank you. So that's why we want to um, well
(47:15):
we'll call you kuber. We are thinking because it's a
word crime and the word uber and there's no um,
no lawsuits, not that that would really make a be
bad for you guys, right because everything's kind of under
the table. Okay. So um yeah, so that's what we
want to do. And um, how would it work? Can
I ask you question? How would it work? Okay? So
(47:38):
that's great? Okay, okay, So okay, so say, okay, we're
doing some research. Follow me here. Say you wanted somebody
to sleep with the fishes? Uh so to speak, um, murder,
die kill clear hypothetically hypothetics. So you could so you
(48:02):
could use the chat function here on this app, right
and the words disappear and only you can read them.
So that's that's that's one function. Yes, oh my, my,
my little daughter. God, she has what do you call
one of those phones iPhones and when she does the
text and she could do that on own. So what
do we need to do for that for I'm glad
(48:23):
you asked. I got it, okay, so great question. So
this is hyper secure. So I see you have some
bodyguards with huge guns around the door over there and
just friends of mine. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry,
(48:44):
my my mistake. But if you were to have security guards,
think about our app Kuber as your own digital security guard.
So we do a lot of encryption. We do a
lot of zeros and one and a lot of binary code,
a lot of um okay, take it away, take it away,
(49:08):
so so so so listen, infimmation. We think Cooper would
take your business to the next, to the current and
future centuries. Yes, giving giving the mob. So this is
(49:29):
the this is the ad copy right here? What what
what the hell is Cooper? It's just it's you don't
need to know what it is. You're just reading the
copy for it. That's true, that's true enough. But it
is a m It's a top secret mob. Mafia said,
listen here looking for some backstory, some some motivation for
(49:51):
the read Tim, No, I'm ready to roll. I'm a professional,
fantastic dina. What the fun was that? I don't know.
I mean, you just straight ut. None of the people,
none of the people auditioning, have asked me a question
that specific and I thought you come right out with
the fact that we're working for the mafia. That made
(50:13):
sense to you. Yeah, I don't know what's the harm
in that? What is I don't know, sleeping with the
fishes um death? Shot in the eye like mo Green.
I'm ready to roll on one whenever you are. Sorry
to realize that Mike was still alive. Sorry about that, Tim, Okay,
(50:35):
we're gonna let's just try it. Take here, all right,
take your own cue. What seriously I'm just saying, I'm sorry. Okay,
I guess now I'm seeing I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Are you happy it's my mistake of the day. You've
caught me again? Thank you so much, Robert for always
kind of nailing me on the fucking cross whenever I
(50:57):
make even a little Well, we're you're all back here, gentlemen, businessman.
We want to play you a demo of the new act.
We're really excited. We got some top notch already. Player.
I don't need all the words. Okay, you're right, So
just imagine you're in your car, you listen to the radio.
What do you mean imagine? Why don't we be in
(51:19):
a car right now and do that? Yeah? Okay, Linda,
can we use your car? We're not going to get
into a car. Play the fucking old on a second.
I don't want to be imagined. I want to see
what it is time with this. Can you just close
your eyes and pretend you're not here? From my close
my eyes, somebody might do something to me, you know
(51:40):
what I mean? Look, I don't use my imagination. Great idea,
Yeah you do that. Ok. You need somebody to sleep
with the fishes. You know what a fucking fucking if
I say one thing long, you're on my fucking ass
about it. So why to you fucking suck my butthole?
(52:04):
That's right, my butthole. I got a quick question. Who's
who's the Who's the dame? Like? I like I like
a fire. That's our very own Linda. Yes, yes, sorry, no,
that's great. So you make copies of this? What the
(52:29):
audio file? It's an audio file? You don't like make
copies like in a copying machine or something. Is the
idea is gonna bring us business? We just heard business
and recruits? What kind of recruits? You know? Young men?
When women or or or however they identify who want
to join your big guy with the pronouns? Not? Alright?
(52:52):
Well copies do you make? I identify as uninterested? What
else you got? I'm glad. We're actually happy that you
didn't like the first one. Yes, we have more. There's
nobody gonna answer my question. Lenny again, close your eyes
and shut your face. I'm gonna do that. I'm not
(53:13):
going to use my imagination. Maybe just try closing your
eyes for one second. And why you could stab me
in the fucking throat I'll kill Oh my god, oh
my god, you would have killed me your piece of ship?
How many fucking Lenny, don't kill the fucking ad guy?
(53:40):
All right, jesus, how many times we gotta do this?
Lindau Way, you tell me as a fucking shoe, your
piece of ship, Lenny, look over there, it's cannoli. Why
don't you go ahead and play as the next one.
I'm sorry, I'm a little shaken up from seeing my
colleague get what, No, he just fell on the knife
a couple of times. Yeah, we didn't see nothing. I'm
(54:00):
sure you didn't. Okay, you're right, I didn't see anything.
Somebody's nothing. I'm sorry now that I will take responsibility
for I thought the snacks everyone there's nothing. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry. I'm happy to pay you money. Or
I didn't about it. Lenny is going to forget about
(54:22):
it in three minutes played a second ad. Would you
do that? Lenny? I sweat a christ. I'm gonna stab
you and eye with a pencil. Um. That's imagination. Great. Yeah,
and I love this. So you guys are you guys
are being creative as well. So that's something we can
definitely work together with us. If you have any kind
of ideas or suggestions for the app. Yeah, Linda, okay, okay,
(54:45):
I'm sorry. My hands are shaking and they're so sweady.
I'm so scared, and they're covered they're covered in cannoli. Um,
I dug in with my hands. I didn't okay, Um, Okay, Lenny,
Len Glenda, I'm not sure who I'm gonna kill him first,
(55:07):
my mother's eye, Lenny. If you don't, there's nothing in
these canologies to what is Yeah, we get it, okay,
tim My man, listen, you are the voice of Minneapolis. Okay,
there's no doubt about that. Oh and we've burned into
a little bit of a problem. U um. And it's
(55:29):
not you just working non union when we've asked you
not to. It's it's further. I'm gonna take the work
where it presents itself. Unfortunately, Tim, I don't think there's
gonna be any more work for you and I. And
it pains me to say this, but you have one
last audition. As it were. What's with the figure quotes?
(55:53):
If the finger quotes were their own sentence, it would
read you have to you have a meeting with the
Minneapolis mob boss to j the Minneapolis mom boss. They're
believe it or not, there is a Minneapolis mom You
do the ad couer so right, I do so many ads.
I don't remember you know, Timmy, you haven't organ Now listen,
(56:15):
when you meet Salvatore SALVATONI, you must present them with
this cat. It's en offering a peace and respect, you
understand of this cat? Yeah, this cat doesn't seem like
they want to be here, all right, scratch my face.
Salvia Salvatori, Salvatoni loves catch and to present him with
(56:38):
one such as this is the sign of the utmost respect. Okay, fine, fine,
stay all right. So their names are Salvatore and Salvatoni. No, no, no,
the man you're meeting is Mrs Salvatoni. His name is
Salvator Salvato, Salvatoni present present him the cat. This is
(57:03):
gonna understand, This is gonna get him with the cat
is a sign of the utmost respect. Don't you understand? Yeah? Yeah,
I got it, all right, just go it. So just go,
(57:25):
Oh welcome, What have you brought me? Hi? How you doing? Tim?
Tim Caruthers local voice over talents. Perhaps you've heard me
on St. Paul's News for clues. Let's go ahead and
say I have it. Must be Salva, Tony, I have
(57:49):
this this cat for you. I'm really sorry about the blood,
by the way, coming from the character from your face.
I think some of it is from the cat. So
if it's from my face, dick, I can I can
drink this rip through? I do? I do have a dick.
You could drink that. Really, that would be enormously helpful.
(58:11):
They're in the shelf on your left. Help yourself. Real
plethora of sizes. I think I just need an average one. Anyway,
I did the I did the Kuber ad. You know couber,
Remember it and then forget about it. Yeah, clever Portmanteau.
(58:37):
By the way, love that. So understand you brought a
new one today? Yes? Yes, apparently to keep my to
keep my job at the voiceover, I have to pitch
my own ads, record them myself. It's tough. Otherwise they
(58:57):
sent me to v O jail. Um. So sorry? Did
you come here like I'm some sort of complaint desk. Look,
I'm just doing what I was told to do. Okay, excellent,
begin when you're ready. All right, take your own cue.
I think they say do it live or I have it.
(59:20):
I have it on MP three. I'd rather do it live. Okay.
Are you a local business looking for protection? Www? Dot
c U b E dot com is the website you need.
(59:41):
You need somebody to sleep with the fishes? Do you
need to take the canole and leave the gun. Wait
a minute, strike that reverse coober, remember it, sergeant, sergeant
getting here. We got we got a situation. The man's
(01:00:03):
been up my ass about this whole UH mafia business,
and uh I couldn't help it. On my way to
UH pilates or listen to the radio, that's one does.
And I eat this commercial for Kuba and it's like
it's talking about like the mob or something like that.
I want, I want you to look into it. This
could be your big break. You canna go from UH
(01:00:26):
sergeant to lieutenant or detectively, whatever you want. I just
want the mirror. The mirror has been up my ass. Okay,
just okay, alright, so I got on it. I'm on it.
I'm gonna go right now. Www dot c U b
R dot com. Okay, I'm gonna okay. Book an appointment.
(01:00:50):
This is a really nice UH interface. Users. Would you
like to book an appointment? Wow? Yes, yes, this is
voice activating booking an appointment? What time works for you?
Eleven am am, two am selected, It's fine, it's fine,
(01:01:10):
it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Two am. Where would
you like to meet? Alleyway the port basement basement. You
selected Cairo? Is that okay? With your boss? Can we
can we send me to Cairo for this? Okay? Okay,
(01:01:30):
two am, Yeah, we haven't been defunded yet. Okay, how
would you like to travel? What airplane you selected? Submarine?
How's it going in there? Good? Good? No good? I
think I think the Mayor's that. Get off your ass.
(01:01:51):
I'm really working hard. It's really up there, and that's
our show for the record. Sub Marine is the Long Way.
Let's thank all of our Alchemist, starting with Mr Joey
Greer Joey, what the hell exactly? Exactly? Thank you so
(01:02:11):
much for being Here's anyway you'd like folks to find
you out there, you know, if you'd like to find me,
check out Alchemy. This is Instagram and check out bear
Spy shows on Twitch. We've been working with west Side
Common Theater doing shows on their Twitch channels. Go to
twitch dot tv backslash west Side Comedy Theater and you
can see some of our videos up there. And in
(01:02:33):
the future will we'll be posted on our own channel.
Oh my god, Oh that's great and uh, I don't
regret asking at all. Caroline Connor, thank you so much
for being here. Is there anything you would like to plug? No,
but if anybody has, like I don't know, any tips
(01:02:53):
or advice for what I could do with my wife,
they can send me a d on Carter poop um
on the Instagram. Sure, what do you do with the
rest of your life? Okay? Fair? Please help out Patrick Rowland.
Thank you so much. Oh yeah, thanks, thank you for
(01:03:15):
having me. This is fine. I hope you enjoyed being had. Yes,
all the ways. Please come back as soon as you can.
Is you any way you'd like folks to find uh
your work out there on the interwebs. Yeah, you can
go to www dot Patrick Rowland dot net. Um. Also,
you can look up my independent teams um Black Street
(01:03:37):
Boys comedy on social media. Just put that in there.
I don't think there's any other one and um Also
I have a digital series on Comedy Central with my
other team three Pete, so you can look us up
at three Peek Comedy and also do sorry it's gonna
be the rest of the show. I also do a
late night talk show as Barack Obama. So where the
(01:03:59):
folks find I can find out our West Side comedy.
We do the shows on Switch Okay, Joe in case
you're wondering, that's how you answered that question. Whatever, Craig Atkowski,
thank you so much. My friend in the Carolina's still
in the Carolina's uh so hopefully till the end of time.
(01:04:21):
I didn't have a vocabulary, pet Peeve prepared, but then
you went and use the word uninterested correctly. Many people
use disinterested, which does not mean not interested. It means impartial.
So yeah, say uninterested if you're not interested, happy to
be of service. You did say was a portmaneu, right,
a portmanteau. Thanks again, super glad, Love you buddy, Thank you, Chris,
(01:04:56):
all all of you. I'm giving all my all, my
love to Patrick. He was so great today. Petrick dot
Net Black Street Boys three pet checking out. This motherfucker
makes good, good work and he's a good guy. So
we love you, man, I love you, all of you.
That's our show. Let's thank our engineering producer to the stars,
(01:05:16):
Mr Doug Baine. That I heard media, fump pump, fump pump.
Please be careful out there. I look out for each other.
Wear a mask, wash your hands, do all we can.
We've got to flatten this god damn curve, depending on
each other. Who knew would be so difficult, but please
help out however you can. I'm your host, Kevin Pollic.
Until next time at a football for Pepper
Oh, welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Is that Kevin? Now? I
said you should stay awake until cost will open so
you can be first in line. But I digress. Let's
meet our arms shower. We know particular order Slo to
Craig Atkowsky Coco. Is there a grocery store item you're
(00:25):
buying more than usual these day? More than usual? Um,
just every snack? I think um, peda chips, tortilla chips,
potato chips, and anything you can chip. I'm buying ice chips.
(00:45):
Is there a favorite dip that comes with any of
those chips? Ranch tips? Our cream dip? I think you
got three more in you? Yeah, veggie dip dip stick
and the last everyone's favorite skinny dip. I was gonna
go with onion dipping. Alright, look at everybody, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris,
(01:06):
you were here. Please uh share your new favorite treat.
My new favorite treat has been everything that my girlfriend
has been baking constantly. That's right. Uh, last night she
made a banana bread that was insane, and uh we
(01:28):
were gonna give one to my father. It was all
wrapped up. I was gonna drive to him today, but
I decided to keep it for myself. So you'll be
eating a second banana bread. That's correct, just confirming. Please
welcome first Tom and Patrick Rowland not j K. As
a new first time or tradition. Please tell us any
awkward story from your early days learning or studying improv.
(01:50):
Wow is a black person? There as so many? Okay?
So and my first improv class it was like a
level A class and um, I get up to do
a scene and I was like, I'm gonna do a
British accent because I wanted to try my British accent out.
Uh and uh so I do was uh stupid initiades
(02:13):
in the British accent, like welcome to London and my
scene partner, who nicest person. Um, but I think I
was the first black person sh ever interacted with said this,
Wait a minute, there aren't any black people in London,
And first off, yeah there is, but uh it quickly
(02:40):
had taught me how to just yes, and I was like, oh, yeah,
I guess I'm the first your addressed album president. Yeah,
I got my Luther on. Well, thank you for being here,
Thanks for having past the show, it's Caroline Cutter. Caroline,
(03:05):
what would surprise us in your pantry? Um? What would surprise? Well,
depends on what you're surprised by. Like, I don't have
anything that's not food in there, so nothing is really
that surprising at all, I would say, because it's all food.
But I have, um, you know, a lot of uh
(03:27):
Sechuan specific cooking stuff, so it's like a region of China.
It's like they have these Sechuan peppercorns that are really
tingly and spicy, so I, um, I love that stuff.
So I cook that stuff a lot, So maybe that's surprising.
It is surprising. I love myself some sechuana at it's
(03:50):
my favorite. Um. I didn't know there were Sechuan peppercorns
to be purchased, So thank you for that. All mails
some loosen and enlupe to please. They seem like the
gift that gives more than once. And last is that last?
(04:10):
Already last? But the hell with your face? If you
think of least, it's Joey Greer peaky drive. Uh why
great question, and there's there's not a short answer to this,
so let me just get into the meat and potatoes
of it. You know, the beginning and the end are
two things that we can access, but it's really beyond that,
(04:32):
because if we want to know who we are and
why we are, we should really start thinking about the
things that make us in the way that it is.
Because when you look at the Let's Do a Damn Show,
almost suggestions are gathered from your listener emails. If you'd
like to submit one, please do damn it right to
(04:53):
the podcast at your name here at alchemy just dot com.
That's your name here. See Number one comes from Patreon
v I P. Blue Jay, who wrote scene suggestion A
serial killer tries to create a deadly trap accidentally invents
(05:14):
a teleportation device. What's you all? The best of health?
Blue Jay? Trevor, Can I talk to you for a second.
What do you want? What do you want? Did you
did you eat that peanut butter? It seems like the
peanut butter with my name on it in the pantry
is missing at a posted note with my name on
(05:36):
it on the baby woke up in the middle of
the night and do some personal inventory before you go
around blaming other people. Fair. Fair, and I appreciate where
you're coming from, but I think you know me by
now well enough to know that I don't actually act
that way. So if I'm coming to you with a question,
you're wearing my shirt, I am wearing my shirt. Okay,
(05:59):
did you Is that not cool? Is that cool? It's fine?
Where the shirt? Fine, it's worth the shirt. I didn't
eat your peanut butter, but I'll buy you a new one. Okay.
So I'm reading your cards here. Yeah yeah, I like
a good what I see travel? I see travel? Oh
(06:20):
yeah yeah, okay, yeah, like I got on the bus
to get here. So, oh you want you want the money?
I don't like that. Oh oh come on man, this
is this is strange because there would definitely be travel
in your future, but I also see simultaneously death. Oh
(06:44):
come on man. That something kind of like metaphor, like
I'm traveling to the beyond or uh, there's your capin speaking,
I just want to welcome on. Thank you so much
for traveling with Death Airlines. We hope that your destination
is the one you were hoping for. I'm sorry, did
you hear that It sounded like he said death? Araline?
(07:06):
Can you please shut up? I'm trying to listen to you.
Please stop talking to me. I'm trying to listen to
the captain. I wasn't even talking to you. I was
talking to my neighbor on the other side of myself.
I can't hear the captain. I can't hear the captain. Please,
I needn't know what the captain saying. He's not saying
anything right now. Well, I can't hear him, did you.
I can't hear him. Do your flight attendants. They're doing
the best they can. As you know, we're under some
(07:26):
new guidelines. So keep those masks on and your mouth shut.
Enjoy your fly. Okay. I have a third and your
final card here. Okay, I don't know if I could
take anymore with these cards back to back to It's
it's not doesn't work like that, sir. It's not like
a lucky thing. It's it's already written. That's good because
(07:48):
like I go to the Cathinos and like card I
suck at it's like okay, yeah, okay, here we go.
Third card is no wammy, no wammy, no wammy, no wammy. Okay,
it's four numbers. It's to zero to two. Yeah, this
(08:08):
is something coming up in that time for you. Um
oh yeah, I'm I'm traveling. Oh wow, okay, I didn't
even make that connection to Yeah, I'm going to machu
Oh yeah, and that could be where the death comes
into it. None, that I think about it, I'm supposed
(08:28):
to be visiting the death Cave. I don't know how
that just then. So basically, your your hours up. You
paid for everything you knew that was already gonna happen.
Come on, can I can give you a bonus question?
You can ask me one question? Yeah, okay, Now I
(08:48):
will have to bring in my associate. I I don't
deal this way. I use cars. This is my associate.
This is fonding. Fonding, Okay. I was wondering why you
were just sitting in the corner eating eating Chris, go
out the can. You can ask fund it one. Come on,
(09:13):
this is like you know, rubbing the lamp for a
genie and then we're getting one wish? Are you? Are you? Okay? No? No? Fine, okay,
you have a great day. Kid me okay, I think
(09:35):
everybody's inside now welcome. I'm Gregory and these are the
death caves? Uh is you all have paid for the
anyone else here that audio information? They're sounds like an airport.
Oh sorry, that's my text thing. It dings like that,
Oh my god, you get service down here? Wow, that's
(09:59):
oh my god, five g I'm so jealous. I don't
I don't have any of your your air five causes
your air out of here. He won't get far. So
if everyone else could just turn off their phones, I
think it will be helpful, no problem, will keep the
(10:20):
dings in the dawn. I have to turn mine off
if I don't get service anyway. You know what, that's
a very good question. Yes, yes, the answer is yes. Okay, alright,
so we're going to travel along here if you want
to just stay close And does anyone have any questions
about that sound? That's definitely not boring tone. Oh that
(10:43):
does sound like a classic ghost howl, very stereotypical that this. Yeah,
that's why I don't. I don't really have any questions
because to me it seems either so obviously like fake
or just like the ghost is given up. But I
really want to talk to a ghost that like doesn't
give a ship anymore, you know what I mean? Yeah,
(11:04):
you gotta step that game out. Yeah it's sad. I
mean it's like, I know you're dead, but live a little.
You know, yeah, yeah, it's got like like did you
watch Beetle Juice and Dan decided that's how you're gonna
give you can give me a break, give me a break.
You're like just fucking coming at me hard and like
(11:24):
you don't even know what I've been going through. So
telling us, So tell us everybody, that's Larry, Larry the
ghost Larry. This is the group, and maybe they're coming
at you for specific reasons, and everyone should be open
to criticism and positive feedback. Doing my own personal inventory,
(11:48):
managed a little bit vampire on that one. Yeah. Well,
you know, my family, we signed up for the trip
and we definitely want to death caves. We did everything,
but man, we wanted the selling poe on. The main
selling points, at least to us, was that there would
be a ghost and never appear. Uh and through a
lot of poking and prodding from the tour guide, but
(12:09):
nothing happened. So I mean we'd like our money back,
you know, I mean, we can go to caves anywhere
in the world that just you've already gone on the
trip and returned. Yes, uh, you said the price you
paid included your round trip flight. Yes, seven nights at
(12:31):
at a Peruvian hotel. Yes, well, what is going on here?
Like can I can we get our money back? Or
we were supposed to see a ghost in that cave
and we didn't. If you read the fine print, there's
no promise of a ghost in the death caves. Oh
but that's what that's what you offer. That's what you offer.
Maybe the same thing as if like let's say, let's
say a steak a steakhouse said oh we got steak here,
(12:54):
but then you go inside there's no steak. I could
see the hell out of them. I could see the
hell out of them. I could I could go in
there and I could start being this ship of anybody
in that restaurant I wanted. Look, we're called ghost tours,
but I'm sorry, sir. Yeah, we're actually out of the stake.
Is there anything else on the menu that we perfect?
Fucking perfect? This is the stars in line? Get off, look, listen, listen,
(13:20):
listen to listen. As a member of the five G Society,
UM know that you will get service anywhere everywhere like that.
That comes with a bit of responsibility. Oh yeah, great power,
(13:44):
that's exactly right. So uncle, uncle Benn and me un Now,
now if you don't want that power. We have great
data plans here, unlimited use for LTE all day long,
and you just go about your life, now, can I
I got a couple of questions, and I can ask
more than one, right, because I've been in a situation
(14:06):
I couldn't. Oh interesting, no, yes, no, you like so
I have to ask me a little magical gimp character first,
I can talk right to you. This is this is
is a T mobile story, sir. Because he's right there
in the corner and he's he's eating cheetos and staring
at me. Oh he's just I think he's a customer.
He's my faults, sir. Um, So LTE what's that stand for?
(14:32):
Is that like light? Is it like you know? Oh?
Well they spelled it wrong. Um if five G say
I was, I can get coverage everywhere and anywhere and anywhere,
everywhere and anywhere. So hypothetical say I went to space done?
(14:54):
Oh um, say sir, anywhere you say it's gonna be done.
But remember the part where you have Hi, sir, thank
you so much for coming into um interview at NASA
here and I just see on your um. Sorry, I
have a lot going on my brain right now I
(15:15):
forgot the word. I forgot the word for your cover letter,
but that's what I meant to say. I'm sorry my
Linda resume resume. Sorry, I see on your resume here.
I'm sorry. Um no, my husband UM gave me some
(15:36):
of setting news. But it doesn't matter. I see here
on your resume that you want to work for NASA.
I need to take you away. Can you go to
paradise after the interview. I'm sorry, Frank, I really need
(16:01):
to do this interview. This is the one astronaut we
have interested. He's quality, PODi. Is someone else can do this? No, Frank,
you need to respect my boundaries. This is my work.
This is my job. So wait outside. I'll be outside
in like a minute. Okay, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Um,
(16:24):
he seems seems nice. He's fine. He has a very
average penis, and that's what I like about him. Um.
I saw here on your resume that you want to
Who was that was that? Frankie? Frank, Frank, I'm in here, God, David, Linda,
(16:44):
why are you doing this to me? You have given
you my heart? Probably How did you I locked my
office door? How did you get in here? Thank you? Right?
Thank you sorry. You're right, you're not You're not a
humble observer. You are a contender for being an astronaut. Okay,
(17:07):
so out of here, Rob please, I need to finish
this interview. Get the funk out of here. So the
average or mini, well, it's not it's it's um, it's
pretty big and you know what, I can't handle it.
I have the doctors told me I have a shallow
um shallow bones down there that don't really want anything past.
(17:35):
Oh wow, okay, so I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I saw here on your rest, Linda, thank you so
much for sticking around after the exam. I just wanted
to discuss when I mentioned to you earlier shallow bones.
I just wanted to see if you had any questions
(17:56):
about that. A lot of people aren't familiar with that term. Yeah,
I guess I don't understand um like anything about it.
You know what I mean? I don't understand anything about it.
Shallow bones? Does that mean short? What do you mean?
We don't like to use the word short. Uh. Some
people feel has a negative connotation. You shallow bones can
(18:18):
be very positive. Have you ever reached into an area
and it didn't go quite as far back as you
thought it might. Yeah, the only thing I can think
of is my own vagina when I reach in, I
can't go quite back as far as I perfect example. Yeah, yeah,
that's that's a little on the nose. So this is
the mangled corpse of Linda Cooper, head of head of
(18:43):
HR for NASA. She conjects the the initial astronaut interviews.
When people coming off the streets and why are you
showing this toast doctor? Does somebody's tech class? Is there
someone getting serve? Please turn off the phones. Okay, you're
not supposed to be getting serve. Sorry, Sorry, that's my iTunes.
I got a it's a it's a it's an alert
(19:06):
for alerts. Well. I was kind of thinking of like
doing like music, you know, like you know how Timberland,
the producer used like Godzilla's scream. I was like, Oh,
what if we used the ping bonds to do music
you're talking about? I have a band, I have a Hey.
Hey have you heard of Pixar music? Oh yeah, I
(19:29):
love Pixar music. That I was told you're you're all
an elite team of c s. I s, oh, we
can't have outside hobbies. You can have outside hobbies. But
I think addressing this this locked room mystery here because
the only possible explanation for me of how somebody could
get into murder her is if I don't know, a
(19:52):
serial killer accidentally advented some sort of teleportation device. Look,
if we're talking about hobbies here, I like the tattoo
gol Yes, dolls now, Hi, Um sorry, I'm sorry. This
is not me, but my boss has told me we're
not allowed to sell any more of our stock to
(20:13):
you because, um, it's almost Christmas and a lot of
parents are coming in here wanted to buy dolls for
their children, and last week you came in and you
you bought out our entire stock. And also, frankly, you're
just kind of creepy, and you have to understand this
(20:35):
is a toy store and we have kids here, and hey, captain,
I just want to I want you to know I
heard you in there. I heard your theory. I heard
your theory, and the rest of the guys we're laughing
about this like teleportation advice. But I just want you
(20:56):
to know I heard you, and I think there's something
to it. Every else in the department thinks I'm crazy.
I know, I know. I mean, it's the only explanation, right,
A serial killer accidentally invented some sort of transportation device,
teleportation device, transportation devices. I haven't I have it. I
have it. I have it, I have it, I have it.
(21:18):
Hi'm off the deep pen watch high time? Can I hold? Yeah? Yeah,
Cliff crashed through the surface where they can't burd us
Cliff far from my shallow booms. How does that sound? Okay,
(21:39):
I see you had a point to get to. My
apologies were trying to interruption. It's just it's a song
that's been used, and I think, are you writing a parody?
What's happening? No? Not just came to me. What do
you mean? Do I make shallow from the Star is born?
And they want a Grammy and an Oscar, a Groscar
(22:06):
or oh? I see you are a return customer. You
wish to have your cards right again? Yeah, that's right.
I'm back, and you say that I wasn't gonna be back,
So I mean, I mean, that's a whole another thing.
But let's let's read them cards. Okay, okay, deal and
no deal. Okay. You can't treat this as like a
(22:32):
gambling situation, like you're gonna win or lose. It's not
like that. I mean, but won't. I like, winning is
staying alive. Diane is losing a lot of people, a
lot of people lost, and I'm winning great. Okay, okay,
let's do it. So the first card I have here,
it's just the number five, Just the number five. Okay,
(22:55):
that's a fun number. Okay. Second card here, one letter,
it's just a G G. Yeah. Third card here, it's
probably going to be something mystical. It's usually what the
third card section is, so five The third one says here, um,
you know the truth? You want to select few know
(23:15):
the truth? Now? Does that mean anything to you? That
means everything to me, sir? Where are you going? Sir?
(23:42):
Please take your big Let me know how I get beer.
I was just having cars written and then I got
sucked into this portal and everyone says that when they
arrive and it's hilarious. So again, how can I help you?
(24:02):
Oh man? This do I get it? You're trying to
achieve before you arrive. We're playing it. We're playing a
game of poker. If you want to join in, cards
and steaks. I mean, dear man, I haven't played poker,
but I think I can get it. I've watched a
(24:23):
lot of the TV shows that have poker in it.
But to get to your question, little potato looking things,
do you have a name? Because I hate I hate,
I hate like just categorizing by what you look like.
Y'all have names. I would have never guessed that. Yeah,
and then buy the poker game? Is your soul? Oh?
(24:44):
Come on man? Okay, yeah, yeah, all right. I don't
know how to like put that on the table. Do
I like regurgitate it or do you know what? I'm
just write it? Oh dude, okay, you eternals what it's
referred to. I mean you will no longer have soul
as in music. Um oh damn, I gotta I gotta
(25:09):
family reunion coming up. And I don't do the choot
slide just right. There will be consequences. So you have
a big family there, Yeah kind of yeah, you don't.
I got his name, Keith? What's yours? Keith? Keith, Keith
(25:30):
all with the F like chief Keith Keith k e
E f right. Oh that's that's swear to God that
any who. Um, I I'm gonna play, I'm gonna I'm
(25:51):
not my soul. Uh are you expecting at the family really?
Oh about thirty five? Your favorite? My favorite? Well, I
gotta go with my mama because you know, birth. But
if you know outside the obvious, my uncle Benito, Uncle,
(26:11):
what are you mad? Him? Everybody? Clap your head, Come on,
y'all on the beach. Oh um, everybody? Yeah, well, welcome
to the Carter family reunion. Looks for all having a
good time. Huh family reunions. Yeah, I feel like I'm
(26:37):
the only one excited. I'm just scared because the DJ
stopped the records and then sounded mad. Yeah, he took
an ominous pause, and I was waiting to see what
was gonna fill that ominous pause. Yeah, he just kind
of remind us to have a good time. But I'm
excited happy to be here. Yeah. Where because we didn't
really pay him to lecture us or even talk to us,
(27:00):
but really just play the music. What's up? Man? Yeah,
it's probably not my place. I probably look I do
this a lot. I do this a lot. I'll be honest, Okay,
and uh, stopping the music, you do that a lot.
You're You're sweet, You're a real treat sir. Uh, And
I just feel he's got a real mouth on him. Huh. Look,
I'm when I feel compelled to say something, I'm gonna
(27:21):
say something. And that man right there is off. Something's
wrong with him. It's not just his rhythm. Something he's
different about him. I'm leaving happy, happy reunion, everybody. I'm
leaving weird. That's that's totally weird. Talking about why would
(27:45):
the dj of left unless one of us lost our
Oh don't don't, I guess I'll say it. Um, I
gave my soul up. Yeah, I gave my soul up too, honestly,
get everyone here five g um. You sacrifice for our
(28:07):
our cellular data. Yeah, it was the newest and best thing.
And you know, how long is it gonna be till
six g Maybe three years, maybe longer. And I wanted
us all to get the best g we could, so
I gave up my soul. Did they tell you when
you gave up your sol how much longer before we
each have our own individual cell tower? No? No, did
(28:29):
you mention that that didn't come up? Did you? Did
you play a card game with like a little potato
looking dude named Keith and his friend also named Keith,
And it was like poker. I played with Keith and
Keith I swear to God, I feel like I'm saying
the same thing is yeah, guy, family Carters, I got
(28:50):
something to confess to. I also lost soul. What why
are y'all more shocked about me? You have the most soul? Uh?
We're had, but yeah, we're still getting shocked over. Yeah,
(29:14):
it's just like every time you say it, it's like
the first time I'm hearing it. Oh, I got Uncle
Benito's not here to hear this this. Oh, he would
be real. Uh, the go's card he pulling up right now, everybody,
maybe we should pretend to be real. Member, you should
(29:34):
pretend to all have our souls. So that way Uncle
Benito won't know. How's he gonna know. He'll see that
there's no DJ. The DJ is gone. We don't have
to necessarily display whether a dog my god, the always
(30:04):
six people who don't have soul. That's a weird okay, Uh,
Uncle Benito. Now I realize you've gone to other psychic
mediums looking for guidance, and just so you know, not
all psychic mediums share the same vision. Well, then that
(30:29):
kind of like disproved psychics, right, because when y'all have
the same thing. That's how I approved that. Y'all right,
I don't know, kind of kind of like kind of
think of like a doctor. Right, you don't have a
PEP doctor if you're elbow hurt. Did you just think
PP doctor? No, I don't know. I have a regular
PP doctor, and I have my elbow doctor. There's a
doctor for each part of the body, everybody, exactly in
(30:50):
the same way that there is a psychic for each
part of the society. So why don't we flip these
cards here? Okay, and let's see what's going on cards.
Is that you or me? You have the same ring tongue.
Oh that's cool. Yeah, I think it's me, but you know,
(31:13):
don't check it. Don't check, don't ok So let's check
it at the end of your card. So let's over here,
and you know what, let's just go all three at once.
Just let's change it up. I normally don't do this, yeah, okay,
all right, So you have a spider card, the mental one,
you have a chargers yard, and then the last one
(31:34):
over here. It looks like it's hand drawn by me,
all right, And I didn't finish it, Okay, yeah, I
could see it's like it looks like, uh, you were
drawing plans for some kind of teleportation or time travel device,
but you didn't finish drawing it. What was that happened?
This is what you explained with the cards mean to
(31:56):
me right? Maybe your psychic you know what? And that
scene number one, damn. Scene number two comes us from
(32:17):
Anonymous who wrote Dear Alchemist Yesterday. Being hungover from life
in general, I started watching a movie on that popular
streaming site and suddenly I hear familiar voice. So I
closed my eyes and then it clicks. Kevin Pollock is real,
So there you go. War Dogs was a fun movie,
and it got me, uh into a suggestion for a scene.
I always wanted to know why cats just don't give
(32:41):
a fuck since ancient Egypt. If you expected something related
to that movie, I did too, But I digress, looking
forward to how you spice it up forever Yours, Anonymous Pharaoh.
The new litter Cats is ready, Yes, present the to
me get the cats? You want me to get the cats.
(33:06):
There's two of us here. One of us is um.
I was told the cats were ready, I have them,
bring them, don't just tell Okay, here are the great pharaoh.
Here are the cats. Lift the top, Lift the top,
and they'll come pop on out. This one seems to
(33:30):
be a little shy. Uh no, yeah, he is shy,
but it's also he has like a disease. He probably
probably live through the week. Which one is the most
powerful of these? Um? I don't I think maybe all
each ol. Okay, this one, this one with the beautiful
(33:53):
orange spots and shiny white and black fur, it is
a calico. Ah, it's it's scratched me. This kind of
scratched the Pharao. Get the catch out, Get the catch out. Okay, death,
death to the entire litter. Doctor. We need a doctor,
(34:17):
please doctor? Hello? We get two doctors? Great, okay, get there?
Uh did I go? Or you wanna? You wanna doctors?
Were ready? Yes? Yes, yes? Do you want a p
doctor or elbow doctor? Yeah? I work on the elbow.
I'm ap. Okay, well both of you go in there
because we need a face doctor. So just get in there. Okay,
(34:38):
just worked. Okay, what what I went to get in there? Yeah? Okay,
all right, here we go. What if what if these
doctors is touching my elbow? The other one's touching my
dicky yes, guess which one is? I know which that obvious?
(35:01):
I have a a laceration on my face, Pharaoh, Sir,
we have questions from the tribal council. It's regards to
who did the work on your face. The concern is
that the pp doctor did because there is now a resemblance. Well,
(35:22):
let me get a reflecting device and see if you
can see what we see. Mm hmmm, look into this
small pond. Yes, thank you for getting that pond. Me
to look at it right? Okay, if you just hover
over it, do you see he's got a dick on
his face? Man? Why some of the people in the
(35:47):
town square calling you dick face? To be fair, they
were calling me that before this incident. Look, I summoned
a talented surgeon to pair the laceration of my face,
and he worked within the medium that he is known for.
So yes, a dick was sewn onto my face to
(36:12):
cover the cat scratch, which made sense at the time, Sir,
God did they have to use my dick for that? Cheeze?
I felt like I should have stopped him, but you know,
he's a doctor to the pharaoh. Who am I? You know?
I'm just they take everything from us another. They take
(36:34):
my fucking dick and they on his face. You gotta
look at the bright spot. They left your balls, you know, right? Yeah, yeah, Ok,
you can imagine, you imagine. I can't imagine not having
my balls. But I'm glad they left a little too
second peace, so so that's nice. Yeah, dumb, dumb, dumb.
(36:57):
I'll line to the door. Do you mind because I
can't really get up. Yeah, Hello, here's hello. We're here
for Tim's balls. Uh, Tim, you're not gonna like this.
What is it? Pizza? No? No, no, no, no, it's
(37:18):
not not even pizza with Tim balls. I fucking hate pizza. Man. Oh,
you're gonna have a bad day then, my friend, it's
a whole bunch of pizza. Um. Sarah, we appreciate you
doing your book report on why cats have attitude. Um,
(37:41):
it just seems like you're kind of making some of
this stuff up. Now. The rest of the class we
talked about their animals, and you're talking about peeps sewing
on faces pizza. It just seems a little far fetched.
I don't know. My dad actually is an Egyptologist. He
knows how to read um hioglyphics, and he told me
(38:02):
that Sarah, we know that your father has been incarcerated.
What is that I have to do with anything? Good? Point?
So I kind of took some creative liberties. But the
thing is that people don't really know what happened in
nature in Egypt. None of us were there. So that's
(38:23):
why I would like to finish my presentation on the cats.
I just don't understand how can the Royal British Museum
lock me up in America for saying that pharaohs have
penisis sometimes? I mean, look at these statues. I mean
I unearthed them, the real They want to cover this
history up. You have to give me how do you?
I don't understand why I'm in a maximum security prison. Okay,
(38:46):
look I just said that he's got in statues and
takes on them. Forgot sakes? Why why am I here?
Can you sucking phone? I was parsing for dramatic effect
part of it. Calm down, all right, Look, you made
false accusations. Accusations, that's right, remating. I'm not good enough
(39:13):
for you now. No, No, you said I mean false acclamations.
What does that mean? Get it right? Accusations? First of all, right,
who's got the law degree sort of me, so sort
of what does that? What do you say? Why do
you slip sort of in there? What then does that mean?
It's legal terms? I have to say it by law. AnyWho,
(39:35):
Why why do you have to say that by law?
Why can't you just say you're a lawyer. You just
want to be correct, you know, you know, No, there's
a lot of ears around here, like you're locked up
in a museum for saying that had a dis one
on his face. I mean a maximum security museum with murderers. Yes,
it's right to stick with the other Egyptologists. We stay
(39:57):
with our own kind. And here it's just thanks for
getting my back over there. I didn't know ase paliontologist
could be so rough. Oh they're the worst. M Um
tell me, uh, well, what do you think that touton
Common was buried with? Um? This is not a test,
(40:18):
by the way, I'm just a conversation. We're looking just
through forces servants, um dicks. So do his face if
I made a jack Reggie, you know this is not
the pyramid, Nubie. We're just looking for your professional opinion.
I'm to don Common may have been buried with No,
(40:44):
he was buried with chariots, servants, gold Trim's cloger's son dicks.
There it is again, Yes, everything else the cloggers, like
everything else was spot one. Are you? Are you a
lot of Egyptologists? I just want to say, you're sitting
(41:07):
where us paleontallists usually sit. If you notice under your
feet you've got some bones there, and we want to
dig them up. You understand, Yes, we dig those bones
up proper quick. We will, yeah, proper quick, pop quick
and up the bones are there. Oh, that's what you
(41:28):
would think. It's an Egyptologist because all your statues and
pyramids are already dug up above the desert ground, above ground.
But we have to go below ground. We're gonna go.
We're gonna dig up your bones. If you don't kiss off, yeah,
you'll be you'll you'll you'll be sleeping with my accent.
Is Yeah, you'll be sleeping with his accent if you
(41:50):
don't kiss off. Understand. Look, we represent a discipline that
is actually about civilization, not a giant beast were buried
in the round through no fault of their But you
have you have the dick face man with you, don't
you He's not with us? If he's not with you,
(42:11):
that makes him alone with tell them, Sarah. So, so
just get to the point where you think cats have attitudes. Okay,
but it's a lot of back So I have to
(42:33):
do an order it to make sense, because if I
just jumped to the conclusion without proving my points, that's fair.
Little Listen, I've already like it's life. You've said the
words dick face and like, Sarah continue, professor, are we
going to be able to get to the other reports
or are we just like I mean, we've been staying
(42:53):
on hers for a week and a half. And if
you were a child prodigy, maybe we take a little
more time with you, Okay, but you're not. You're a
twice divorced man who's looking for himself. Okay, Professor. Like, so,
I like, I get it, she's a child prodigy, but
(43:13):
I feel like you're dumbing down the class for her
because we were like studying quantum physics and now we're
talking about her cat and like cats are angry. Excuse me, prodigy.
You know I was married twice. It's not divorced twice.
I was married twice. I found love twice, Thank you
very much. Okay, So let's let's I'd like to look
at a positive and there's a lot of growth. And you, okay,
(43:36):
what do you mean you're going to college to find yourself? Look, look,
I'm going okay, I just I have to do this
and we need to get we need to get divorced.
We're on our moon and and the moon is waxing
and waning, saying bye, I gotta go. All right, you
(43:57):
flew me to Cairo, and there was a mistake. All right,
that was a mistake. I should have had you gone
by boat. And I like you. I like you a
lot of think you're really chilling. I love you. Hey, guys, stiff,
it's okay with you. Could we finish the tour now? Yes,
(44:18):
yes we can. Please? Just can we be chilled about? Fine?
So now we're coming up on the wing of the
Great Farrell Temple where they're the cats. Yeah, if you
listen closely, you may hear the ghost of cats. Do
(44:38):
you mind if I jump in? I got some information
about this. I love to this is unusual. But of
course what are you doing? You don't know anything about this? Well?
I might, Okay, this is what I want to go
to college for. Go to college first, then give the
tour how it works. Get off of me. Um. The
(44:59):
stints was actually it was actually a Chrysler and that
what what dragon had that scene to scene to false
information man. Scene three comes from some patron VMP Nicholas
(45:22):
Marc Howard, who wrote, Hi Kevin, you know I love you.
But the audible and read in this Thursday's episode was
really bad and hence hilarious. It sounded like you wanted
to sob but you were afraid of being too loud,
and it was really low and quiet. It was fucking horrible.
That's why I read this one. Let the heeny fellow
(45:43):
give you a few pointers. He knows how to sell
ship anyway. You will get there someday. Buddy, here's my
suggestion and I'm gonna re record it for sure. It
sounded so freaking horrible. Uh okay, here's the scene suggestion
and add company pitches to the mob best Nicholas Um. Okay,
(46:04):
so you know, um, we're really excited to be here today.
I know this. Yeah, so um our company we've got
a really kind of crazy idea. But it's just a
company that is just for advertisements. Okay, and we think
that me and my partner up here, think that, Um,
we're offering a lot of services and we would have
(46:26):
a lot of resources for you that you wouldn't be
able to get maybe with your um, your way, your
typical ways of doing things, take it away away, take
it away, and so um mafia, um, your brand is
(46:52):
a just a businessman. We am a business guy. What
are you doing telling me that, telling me that I
can't do it? Spool worrying? It's not now now. We
want to make you the uber of crime. Okay, so
thank you. So that's why we want to um, well
(47:15):
we'll call you kuber. We are thinking because it's a
word crime and the word uber and there's no um,
no lawsuits, not that that would really make a be
bad for you guys, right because everything's kind of under
the table. Okay. So um yeah, so that's what we
want to do. And um, how would it work? Can
I ask you question? How would it work? Okay? So
(47:38):
that's great? Okay, okay, So okay, so say, okay, we're
doing some research. Follow me here. Say you wanted somebody
to sleep with the fishes? Uh so to speak, um, murder,
die kill clear hypothetically hypothetics. So you could so you
(48:02):
could use the chat function here on this app, right
and the words disappear and only you can read them.
So that's that's that's one function. Yes, oh my, my,
my little daughter. God, she has what do you call
one of those phones iPhones and when she does the
text and she could do that on own. So what
do we need to do for that for I'm glad
(48:23):
you asked. I got it, okay, so great question. So
this is hyper secure. So I see you have some
bodyguards with huge guns around the door over there and
just friends of mine. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry,
(48:44):
my my mistake. But if you were to have security guards,
think about our app Kuber as your own digital security guard.
So we do a lot of encryption. We do a
lot of zeros and one and a lot of binary code,
a lot of um okay, take it away, take it away,
(49:08):
so so so so listen, infimmation. We think Cooper would
take your business to the next, to the current and
future centuries. Yes, giving giving the mob. So this is
(49:29):
the this is the ad copy right here? What what
what the hell is Cooper? It's just it's you don't
need to know what it is. You're just reading the
copy for it. That's true, that's true enough. But it
is a m It's a top secret mob. Mafia said,
listen here looking for some backstory, some some motivation for
(49:51):
the read Tim, No, I'm ready to roll. I'm a professional,
fantastic dina. What the fun was that? I don't know.
I mean, you just straight ut. None of the people,
none of the people auditioning, have asked me a question
that specific and I thought you come right out with
the fact that we're working for the mafia. That made
(50:13):
sense to you. Yeah, I don't know what's the harm
in that? What is I don't know, sleeping with the
fishes um death? Shot in the eye like mo Green.
I'm ready to roll on one whenever you are. Sorry
to realize that Mike was still alive. Sorry about that, Tim, Okay,
(50:35):
we're gonna let's just try it. Take here, all right,
take your own cue. What seriously I'm just saying, I'm sorry. Okay,
I guess now I'm seeing I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Are you happy it's my mistake of the day. You've
caught me again? Thank you so much, Robert for always
kind of nailing me on the fucking cross whenever I
(50:57):
make even a little Well, we're you're all back here, gentlemen, businessman.
We want to play you a demo of the new act.
We're really excited. We got some top notch already. Player.
I don't need all the words. Okay, you're right, So
just imagine you're in your car, you listen to the radio.
What do you mean imagine? Why don't we be in
(51:19):
a car right now and do that? Yeah? Okay, Linda,
can we use your car? We're not going to get
into a car. Play the fucking old on a second.
I don't want to be imagined. I want to see
what it is time with this. Can you just close
your eyes and pretend you're not here? From my close
my eyes, somebody might do something to me, you know
(51:40):
what I mean? Look, I don't use my imagination. Great idea,
Yeah you do that. Ok. You need somebody to sleep
with the fishes. You know what a fucking fucking if
I say one thing long, you're on my fucking ass
about it. So why to you fucking suck my butthole?
(52:04):
That's right, my butthole. I got a quick question. Who's
who's the Who's the dame? Like? I like I like
a fire. That's our very own Linda. Yes, yes, sorry, no,
that's great. So you make copies of this? What the
(52:29):
audio file? It's an audio file? You don't like make
copies like in a copying machine or something. Is the
idea is gonna bring us business? We just heard business
and recruits? What kind of recruits? You know? Young men?
When women or or or however they identify who want
to join your big guy with the pronouns? Not? Alright?
(52:52):
Well copies do you make? I identify as uninterested? What
else you got? I'm glad. We're actually happy that you
didn't like the first one. Yes, we have more. There's
nobody gonna answer my question. Lenny again, close your eyes
and shut your face. I'm gonna do that. I'm not
(53:13):
going to use my imagination. Maybe just try closing your
eyes for one second. And why you could stab me
in the fucking throat I'll kill Oh my god, oh
my god, you would have killed me your piece of ship?
How many fucking Lenny, don't kill the fucking ad guy?
(53:40):
All right, jesus, how many times we gotta do this?
Lindau Way, you tell me as a fucking shoe, your
piece of ship, Lenny, look over there, it's cannoli. Why
don't you go ahead and play as the next one.
I'm sorry, I'm a little shaken up from seeing my
colleague get what, No, he just fell on the knife
a couple of times. Yeah, we didn't see nothing. I'm
(54:00):
sure you didn't. Okay, you're right, I didn't see anything.
Somebody's nothing. I'm sorry now that I will take responsibility
for I thought the snacks everyone there's nothing. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry. I'm happy to pay you money. Or
I didn't about it. Lenny is going to forget about
(54:22):
it in three minutes played a second ad. Would you
do that? Lenny? I sweat a christ. I'm gonna stab
you and eye with a pencil. Um. That's imagination. Great. Yeah,
and I love this. So you guys are you guys
are being creative as well. So that's something we can
definitely work together with us. If you have any kind
of ideas or suggestions for the app. Yeah, Linda, okay, okay,
(54:45):
I'm sorry. My hands are shaking and they're so sweady.
I'm so scared, and they're covered they're covered in cannoli. Um,
I dug in with my hands. I didn't okay, Um, Okay, Lenny,
Len Glenda, I'm not sure who I'm gonna kill him first,
(55:07):
my mother's eye, Lenny. If you don't, there's nothing in
these canologies to what is Yeah, we get it, okay,
tim My man, listen, you are the voice of Minneapolis. Okay,
there's no doubt about that. Oh and we've burned into
a little bit of a problem. U um. And it's
(55:29):
not you just working non union when we've asked you
not to. It's it's further. I'm gonna take the work
where it presents itself. Unfortunately, Tim, I don't think there's
gonna be any more work for you and I. And
it pains me to say this, but you have one
last audition. As it were. What's with the figure quotes?
(55:53):
If the finger quotes were their own sentence, it would
read you have to you have a meeting with the
Minneapolis mob boss to j the Minneapolis mom boss. They're
believe it or not, there is a Minneapolis mom You
do the ad couer so right, I do so many ads.
I don't remember you know, Timmy, you haven't organ Now listen,
(56:15):
when you meet Salvatore SALVATONI, you must present them with
this cat. It's en offering a peace and respect, you
understand of this cat? Yeah, this cat doesn't seem like
they want to be here, all right, scratch my face.
Salvia Salvatori, Salvatoni loves catch and to present him with
(56:38):
one such as this is the sign of the utmost respect. Okay, fine, fine,
stay all right. So their names are Salvatore and Salvatoni. No, no, no,
the man you're meeting is Mrs Salvatoni. His name is
Salvator Salvato, Salvatoni present present him the cat. This is
(57:03):
gonna understand, This is gonna get him with the cat
is a sign of the utmost respect. Don't you understand? Yeah? Yeah,
I got it, all right, just go it. So just go,
(57:25):
Oh welcome, What have you brought me? Hi? How you doing? Tim?
Tim Caruthers local voice over talents. Perhaps you've heard me
on St. Paul's News for clues. Let's go ahead and
say I have it. Must be Salva, Tony, I have
(57:49):
this this cat for you. I'm really sorry about the blood,
by the way, coming from the character from your face.
I think some of it is from the cat. So
if it's from my face, dick, I can I can
drink this rip through? I do? I do have a dick.
You could drink that. Really, that would be enormously helpful.
(58:11):
They're in the shelf on your left. Help yourself. Real
plethora of sizes. I think I just need an average one. Anyway,
I did the I did the Kuber ad. You know couber,
Remember it and then forget about it. Yeah, clever Portmanteau.
(58:37):
By the way, love that. So understand you brought a
new one today? Yes? Yes, apparently to keep my to
keep my job at the voiceover, I have to pitch
my own ads, record them myself. It's tough. Otherwise they
(58:57):
sent me to v O jail. Um. So sorry? Did
you come here like I'm some sort of complaint desk. Look,
I'm just doing what I was told to do. Okay, excellent,
begin when you're ready. All right, take your own cue.
I think they say do it live or I have it.
(59:20):
I have it on MP three. I'd rather do it live. Okay.
Are you a local business looking for protection? Www? Dot
c U b E dot com is the website you need.
(59:41):
You need somebody to sleep with the fishes? Do you
need to take the canole and leave the gun. Wait
a minute, strike that reverse coober, remember it, sergeant, sergeant
getting here. We got we got a situation. The man's
(01:00:03):
been up my ass about this whole UH mafia business,
and uh I couldn't help it. On my way to
UH pilates or listen to the radio, that's one does.
And I eat this commercial for Kuba and it's like
it's talking about like the mob or something like that.
I want, I want you to look into it. This
could be your big break. You canna go from UH
(01:00:26):
sergeant to lieutenant or detectively, whatever you want. I just
want the mirror. The mirror has been up my ass. Okay,
just okay, alright, so I got on it. I'm on it.
I'm gonna go right now. Www dot c U b
R dot com. Okay, I'm gonna okay. Book an appointment.
(01:00:50):
This is a really nice UH interface. Users. Would you
like to book an appointment? Wow? Yes, yes, this is
voice activating booking an appointment? What time works for you?
Eleven am am, two am selected, It's fine, it's fine,
(01:01:10):
it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Two am. Where would
you like to meet? Alleyway the port basement basement. You
selected Cairo? Is that okay? With your boss? Can we
can we send me to Cairo for this? Okay? Okay,
(01:01:30):
two am, Yeah, we haven't been defunded yet. Okay, how
would you like to travel? What airplane you selected? Submarine?
How's it going in there? Good? Good? No good? I
think I think the Mayor's that. Get off your ass.
(01:01:51):
I'm really working hard. It's really up there, and that's
our show for the record. Sub Marine is the Long Way.
Let's thank all of our Alchemist, starting with Mr Joey
Greer Joey, what the hell exactly? Exactly? Thank you so
(01:02:11):
much for being Here's anyway you'd like folks to find
you out there, you know, if you'd like to find me,
check out Alchemy. This is Instagram and check out bear
Spy shows on Twitch. We've been working with west Side
Common Theater doing shows on their Twitch channels. Go to
twitch dot tv backslash west Side Comedy Theater and you
can see some of our videos up there. And in
(01:02:33):
the future will we'll be posted on our own channel.
Oh my god, Oh that's great and uh, I don't
regret asking at all. Caroline Connor, thank you so much
for being here. Is there anything you would like to plug? No,
but if anybody has, like I don't know, any tips
(01:02:53):
or advice for what I could do with my wife,
they can send me a d on Carter poop um
on the Instagram. Sure, what do you do with the
rest of your life? Okay? Fair? Please help out Patrick Rowland.
Thank you so much. Oh yeah, thanks, thank you for
(01:03:15):
having me. This is fine. I hope you enjoyed being had. Yes,
all the ways. Please come back as soon as you can.
Is you any way you'd like folks to find uh
your work out there on the interwebs. Yeah, you can
go to www dot Patrick Rowland dot net. Um. Also,
you can look up my independent teams um Black Street
(01:03:37):
Boys comedy on social media. Just put that in there.
I don't think there's any other one and um Also
I have a digital series on Comedy Central with my
other team three Pete, so you can look us up
at three Peek Comedy and also do sorry it's gonna
be the rest of the show. I also do a
late night talk show as Barack Obama. So where the
(01:03:59):
folks find I can find out our West Side comedy.
We do the shows on Switch Okay, Joe in case
you're wondering, that's how you answered that question. Whatever, Craig Atkowski,
thank you so much. My friend in the Carolina's still
in the Carolina's uh so hopefully till the end of time.
(01:04:21):
I didn't have a vocabulary, pet Peeve prepared, but then
you went and use the word uninterested correctly. Many people
use disinterested, which does not mean not interested. It means impartial.
So yeah, say uninterested if you're not interested, happy to
be of service. You did say was a portmaneu, right,
a portmanteau. Thanks again, super glad, Love you buddy, Thank you, Chris,
(01:04:56):
all all of you. I'm giving all my all, my
love to Patrick. He was so great today. Petrick dot
Net Black Street Boys three pet checking out. This motherfucker
makes good, good work and he's a good guy. So
we love you, man, I love you, all of you.
That's our show. Let's thank our engineering producer to the stars,
(01:05:16):
Mr Doug Baine. That I heard media, fump pump, fump pump.
Please be careful out there. I look out for each other.
Wear a mask, wash your hands, do all we can.
We've got to flatten this god damn curve, depending on
each other. Who knew would be so difficult, but please
help out however you can. I'm your host, Kevin Pollic.
Until next time at a football for Pepper
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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