Someone with Bad Memory...

Someone with bad memory.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I continue
to be your guest host. Chris Alvarado. Yes, that Ken,
what's that sure? I saw Hamilton's previews before the hype.
So what now let's meet her Alchemy, shall we? In
no particular orders, say hello to Jackie Gonzalez, to Ruthie
Jade Smooth, Jadie Smooth. What was the best part of

(00:24):
your mom's most recent visit? Um? Are you crying? No?
There were so many good parts. There was one, like,
very memorable part, but I I don't want to say
it on a podcast, so I won't. We binged all
of Mayor Easttown together. Um, we like watched it from

(00:46):
start to beginning her whole trip and that was very
um fun because we don't usually watch that kind of
program together. And that's that's what I'll say. It's a
very memorable part of the trip. Great, And so how
can somebody reach out to you to figure out? If
you know me, then you know how to reach out
to me. If you don't, please don't reach out to
me about this. But Chris, I have to say, I

(01:07):
remember you posting about Hamilton's you posted about I'm not
throwing in my shot and I and so I listened
to the album immediately when it came out because of you,
and obviously became obsessed. I already loved Lynn from in
the Heights, which I watch the movie in previews. There

(01:31):
was no hype you were saying your sister was like, hey,
didn't your sister? I don't know? Over like getting boggled
it down. Alright, alright, look over there, it's James Heeny
barely supply. Do you like working with Kevin Pollock? It
is my absolute favorite. There's been a lot of times

(01:52):
that I've when somebody asks me what it's like to
work with him, I just say, he This is gonna
sound so cheesy because it's on the pie cast, but
he is so kind, like before I was even in
the show, to see him showing up at show after
show supporting live comedy, bringing cameras into the theater for
that comedy to be able to be recorded, like endless

(02:15):
support of the comedy community. And I love being part
of anything he's working on. And you know what, here's
what I know for a fact. He loves you. He
loves you. He does It's true. And now please welcome
a tool sing postcard Paulina, what would it take for
you to finance Joey greer Field. Uh? For me, it's

(02:39):
you know, it comes from passion, you know, it comes
from a story. Uh, comes from something where Joey can
bring his innate experiences. So we go through Joey's life
find those experiences that are one of a kind that
that story doesn't happen to a James, that story doesn't
happen to a Jackie, and that story happens only to Joey,
you know, and than just a lot of farting that's

(03:01):
involved in the story. Of course. Yeah, damn, I'm I'm
in now. Can I say one more thing about Kevin Pollock?
So those are things of him supporting other people. Here's
something that blew my mind. He I get stressed out
when I have to run a live stream. He doesn't
get stressed out anything. I see him who's flying back

(03:23):
and forth from New York doing shows. Sometimes he'll do
a show from New York on a big screen. And
I asked him once, I was like, how do you
not freak out? Like? You're always pleasant? Nice? I've never
seen him lose his temper. He says, power naps like
fifteen power naps is. I don't know what the secret.

(03:44):
It was pretty open about it, like just take power
naps and you're not going to freak out over the
small stuff. And last, I challenge you to a rap
battle if you think him at least it's Joey Greer
pretty pretty pony. Approximately how many? That's great question because

(04:04):
you've got to ask yourself even before you're counting. You
have to understand that, Like the question you're gonna ask
yourself is from which point do I begin? And that's
the thing. And if you don't understand that, if you're
gonna ask yourself that, then then the number because I
don't describe this is this uh, I'm thinking of this

(04:26):
ancient Greek phrase. I don't I don't know what it
translates to. I couldn't read start there. Well, I couldn't
read it, I think so. But say one more thing
about Kevin Pollock. Here's the thing. He reads every single
email and response to it, and sometimes if he doesn't
know how to respond to it, he'll send me the
email because he spent so much time thinking beforehand. I

(04:49):
sometimes just read an email and don't respond to even
family members. How does he do it? Well speak to that.
Why don't we get to the show and read our
listener suggestions that Ken even has already read part of
me and has most definitely responded to because he is
such such a good guy, and I wish I wish
Joey felt that a little bit more, But that's not

(05:10):
for me to like put that on on Joey, you
know name listen. All of our scene suggestions are gathered
from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon v i P. S.
To become a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy
exclusive content and other perks, just head on over to
Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to
submit a scene suggestion via email, please write to the

(05:30):
podcast at our new email address, alchemy this email at
gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. This scene one comes from
Patreon v I P. Philip, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists, the
scene suggestion is about someone who has a hard time

(05:51):
remembering stuff and often forgets. That's what my friends say
about me, but for me, it's not a big deal,
and the silver lining is that one can realy us
into older episodes indefinitely, always finding new stuff in them.
Bonus points for the backstory of slim Oh Joey should know.
Thanks to thousands and shout out to the Comedy Fixed

(06:11):
podcast team, I learned a lot about what makes me
notice more of the nuances in your scenes. Thank you
for the Comedy Fixed shoutout Phil. Let's play. Okay, so
that's my move. You don't need to say you don't sorry,
sorry everybody. You just move the chess piece and then

(06:34):
hit the time or you know, it's supposed to be
a tournament. Why is he saying, I'm just don't talk.
I'm sorry. I recognized that you're roughing. It's just that
he's I think he's trying to get into my game.
I thought these were okay, come on, no, no, no, no,
I'm holding a yellow card here, okay, yellow card? Okay, okay,
all right, all right? Did you come to the chest

(06:57):
tournaments a lot? You don't want to talk to We're
here just to watch the game. My gad? Did I
get it? You know? Yeah? I don't. I don't have
a you know, a horse in the race, if you will.
But I just love the game, you know, I just
love it. I can't get enough. You know, there's a
who's the prodigy it's probably gonna be that kid. You know,
the kids probably gonna sweep. You know, kids probably gonna

(07:17):
sweep the whole thing. It doesn't matter if someone's like, oh,
the world grand Master or whatever, you know. But I
just I just love coming. Have you ever been to
a golf game? Huh? Have you ever been to a
golf game? Oh? Yeah, yeah, my golf. Okay, I'm trying
to watch. Okay, I'm writing these moves down on this
notepad so I can I'm studying the players. Okay, So

(07:37):
just ok um, sorry, I know I was going to
move my rook, but I don't remember to which spot. Yes,
how can I be, sir? I was gonna just tell
her all the possibilities are she she could go compare
get Okay, look, please, please, please please, Sarah. We cannot

(08:00):
have we cannot have input from the house. Do you
understand I wasn't looking for cheating. I was just I'm
trying to remember. I just have a tough I'm really
good at chest in the moment, but you you flagged flag.
It took me. I just trying to remember. I know
I was going to move my brook. I was gonna
move my brook. Okay, Um, if you could just say
this internally, that would be helpful. I think that's what

(08:20):
the issue is. Say it, don't say it out loud.
Don't say it out loud. That's the issue. Okay, I'll
just say, sir, if you want to talk about your
own moves, consider signing up for the tournament and then
speaking internally. Howes that sound? I know, I just like
the boyfriend fun. I I don't play professionally. Is that
a gun in your waist? No? No, so it's my
cell phone. I have a hip cell phone holder. It's

(08:42):
not like hip isn't cool. It's it just goes on
my belt loop. It's a it's a trio. Okay, okay, okay,
you see the boards better up here. I was sitting
down there earlier, but don't up here to get a
little bit of vantage point of the of the games
going going. I love jazz. I'm a chess head. You know,

(09:03):
I'm married. Oh yeah, uh widowed? Yeah for sure? For sure? YEA,
thank you? Well, yeah, I'm not I'm not here to
I'm not. I'm just here talking about I'm hearing a
fun fellow chess heads. Yeah yeah, hi, Uh, what's your name?

(09:28):
My name is Bruce. Oh my god, that's my name,
Bruce crazy. You're talking to my wife this? Yeah, how
do you spell Bruce b r u c E Bruce?
That is exactly how I spell the only way to
where's your kid? That's that's my kid right there. Slam oh,

(09:51):
slim oh, that's your kid. And that's halftime everybody. We're
gonna take a quick ten minute break, stretch, do what
you need to do. I will be in the rests
locker room. Please don't bug me. This is Keith. Could
you before you take a break, can we chat real quick?
But they're still on break right so yeah, yeah, great, Yeah, yeah,
what's up? Um? Keith? I just want to check when

(10:13):
we got you from FIFA after your soccer days and
the whole soccer fiasco that happened in Crowly SI. Yes, um,
you said that you knew the rules to chess. Yeah,
we normally we don't have a full halftime. Um, and
it seems like you're putting in some new things. Maybe
you're not remembering correctly. I'm not. We're not doing a

(10:35):
full halftime. We're doing what I'm calling a chess halftime,
which is only ten minutes. So I figured that's you know,
it's not soccer rules. And yeah, that's a good point.
You make a good point there, Keith, in that you've
made it different from soccer um. But again yeah, yeah,
you just don't need to give them a halftime, you know. So,
so now the players are confused. You can see one

(10:56):
of them is just kind of walking around. Yeah, Claire, Claire,
you're forgetting all over the place here. I need you
to take some of these gink gopalopus. Okay, just hold
out your palm and just shake a couple into there.
I can't have you sucking this up. Okay, your mom
and I we don't have the kind of money to
send you to school. Okay, do we need you to
be sharp? Oh you don't understand. Eat, I want to

(11:19):
watch it. Take take them dry. Do you gotta cutter? Yeah,
we gotta cut her. Okay, she's not you gotta cut her.
No no, no, no no no no no no, she
got the cutter. I can do this. I had a
good move and then intermission was called. Like something's just
always happening, so it's kind of making me forget. But
if intermissions in time outs, just take the ginkopus put

(11:43):
them dress. I mean, let me just try to accumulate
some spit in my mouth, Like, can we get hut
over to a water fountain? I mean, we gotta cutter,
We gotta cut her. When you say cut it, what
do you mean it's cut above the eye? You know
what I mean? Like I just gotta run above the eye?
You know. Ever, we're letting you go from your boxing

(12:03):
job because you cut above the eye. Yeah, usually swollen
underneath the eye. So we need you to cut and
let the blood out for I don't know, no, no,
that's we definitely know. I'm just saying this blood everywhere,
you know, Yeah, because and then we had to call
the fight and it was over. Trevor, you can't work
too Why did you just cut my daughter's sigh? What

(12:27):
are you doing? This is chess? Have you ever been
to a chess game? Here? Last one that I went
to was so buck with The guy who who lost
wasn't supposed to lose, and so all of the fans
went down onto the playing ground and tied up his
wrists and then his ankles all to separate horses, and

(12:48):
then sent the horses running in all separate directions. Was
fucking medieval? Oh my God, what is that called? There's
that an actually being quartering something quartering? Yes, drawn quarters,
that's it. That's it. Drawn, that's it, John. Could they
had the most barbaric ship back in the day. It
was so crazy next to each other. If you're gonna talk,
you don't have the people's side to me? Why don't you?

(13:10):
But he's sitting next to each other. Except we asked
if you could change seats and you said no, So
they didn't know you were going to talk about drawing
in court except you, excuse me, this is a chess match.
Could you and your wife please be quiet? Huh, you're
not married. The person sitting next to year is not

(13:30):
your husband. Did you get married? Not since last week?
Did you get married? No? No? Okay, well I thought
you were married because the way you were talking. Right, okay, everybody, attention, attention.
We're about to resume the games. The players can place
fund their seats, find their seats, okay, and on my

(13:50):
wishes sitting Sorry I forgot I forgot which seat I
was sitting in. Oh you know why, it's because this sir,
you're just you're you're just watching the game. Stand up,
stand up, not in the game. Okay, okay, alright, this
is okay. I'm just do you have a gun? No,
that's my cell phone. Okay, feels weird, miss, you're sitting
here on my whistle. Everybody hold up one chess piece

(14:13):
that they're about to move. Great, everybody. I don't want
him to know which one I'm about. I want to
see his man game on. So she's not playing anybody.
That's what's why, you know what I mean, She's just
gonna play in that solo. And that's what's great, because
when you're playing chess, it is against you. You know
what I'm saying. Now, Now, look look at this, Look
at look at our ideas are almost identical. You also

(14:38):
live but different streets. Three Willow Street. Would you want
to do something maybe like a like a swap thing
where where we just swap lives and and do that
for a little bit. Yes, stop talking, Thank you, Bruce.
We need to have a talk. Which which pust the

(15:00):
one that I'm legally married to? We swapped, so I'm
going to go in his car. We didn't swap paperwork.
We didn't swap we we we we You know what,
this is not working for me. I'm out. I'm wanting
to you getting I'm sorry, ma'am, you can't. You cannot

(15:22):
leave the premises during a game. Excuse in a match emergency?
What if that you have you'd have to die here? Whoa,
that's medieval ship right there, you know, kill her that
she doesn't have to worry about it. They got medics here, Bruce.
Did you want to tell her that? Messager me? No? Yeah, yeah,

(15:45):
you Bruce? Are you what I mean? Kind that I'm
talking about, the communication between us is not happening? Um,
part of me, sir, hi, I'm the ref here, I'm
the one who's asking about your gone. A few times
I just realized, I'm sorry, Just to make sure ref
you know it's not a gun. It feels like you're
the type that I would have one, and so you
can see where my confusion would come from. Um, it

(16:07):
seems that there is an open chair, oh to to play,
to play this this young lady here? Did you want
to give that a shot? Well, this is my first shot,
not shot. I don't please do not pull that kind out. No.
The only thing I would do shot related is to
take a photo. But I don't know what you call it.
Did you want to join this match. Yes, I would
like to like to let me just crack my knuckles. Okay,

(16:31):
coming in, coming in, okay, uh, miss you seem to
be a little confused. Um this you're going to be
playing this, gentleman here, I thought that I already played.
It's not a big deal. You played match chapter match.
This is this is a chess tournament, won the last one.
Still much, this is too much. You just gotta beat

(16:52):
this guy. This guy financial burden of our entire family
onto my back. I'm gonna move this pawn good, get
get him dad, please, I'm fourteen now, I'm practically an adult.
Queen two g four Wow, she's moving to queen without

(17:16):
even moving her ponds. This is this is an interesting
move here, Bruce. I gotta be honest with you, but
I mean this is hard for me. But I I
gotta get that divorce. You can't. We're please don't because
when we swipe, when we swapped back, I'm gonna want
to be married to my wife. I hear you, man,

(17:36):
But right now I'm in your I'm in your spot,
and I gotta say, man, I think the best thing
for you, but is if you got that big d Bruce.
I Hello, Hey, hey, I'm working right now. I'm reping.
We need you at the soccer match Croatia and against England.
We need you, but we need there's no one like it.
You're the best. You're the best in the world, and

(17:57):
right nature, I can't do that. I uh for this.
I work for Slimo. Now, no, don't don't say it.
So we need you on the pitch. We need you
against the fellows in their kids. Uh, don't leave us.
You were like a father to me. You're a mentor.
You're an old man who knows a lot about soccer,
and I appreciate that. This is like Rocky too. You

(18:20):
gotta come back and do this. It's got to make
the fight fair. It's actually been really really hard. I
thought like the divorce was going to be freeing, um,
but Slimo is taking it really really rough. As that happens,
you know, But he's going to grow out of that.
You know, He's gonna have two Christmases, right, that's always good. Yeah,

(18:43):
But I mean, like the phase that he's entered, I
thought he would might get angry, maybe a little depressed,
but I'm pretty sure he's like running a drug ring
or something that his way of expressing himself. Fantastic. It's good,
that's great. Yeah, yeah, I mean that's just like that
Slimo's way of just saying, I'm here, pay attention to me,

(19:07):
trying to establish himself independently, and just give me, just
give me one second if you want more Margharita's the
pictures full in the fridge. It's hard for me. Hi,
I'm with the d E A Agent Federal Ranson, and
I'm here looking for Slimo. Just have a couple of questions.

(19:30):
He's not in trouble. Do I need to call a lawyer?
That's my son. I can't tell you to make a
decision on that. All I can tell you is I
just need to talk to him. Do you mind if
I come inside for a cup of tea? I think
you need a warrant for that unless you invite me.
I can't tell you about the laws. I can just
ask you some questions. Can I come inside though? To
ask you those questions? All I have is a big

(19:52):
picture of Margarita's. I have no tea, and Slimo's out
with a friend right now. Who's that gentleman in the back?
Is that Slimo? I can't lift the picture. No, that's Randy.
He's just my best friend. He's got really armed. Okay, everybody,

(20:13):
it is now time of the chess match, where your
individual coaches will have thirty seconds to give you a
pep talk and time starts. Now this is the you're
throwing your chance to Wait, he's listening into my coaching.
I'm trying to coach my daughter. No rules about that. Sorry,
tell just scoot back. I mean, what's the point of

(20:35):
having you having a break if he can hear the thing? Okay, right, sir?
Do you have a coach? No, this is like I said,
it's my first time. Would you like when appointed to you?
I can get one for free? Oh yeah, somebody from
the crowd. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah all right, I'll
just point any men you sir up there, the one

(20:56):
next yeah him? Yeah, you you will your pointed, can't?
All right? I'll make this easier to take somebody whose
name begins with the letter B. Bread. My name is Bread. Okay,
and how about user my name? My first name is Ernest.
My my name is Bruce. What first or middle name

(21:17):
I was gonna go? First? First was what about the
can I use the lady right next to them. It's
up to you. Miss Yeah, would you be willing to
do a thirty second coach session? Want it? But I'm
in a dark place right now. Well, what's going He's
been talking about drawing and quartering people. I'm okay, I'm

(21:38):
like a chess master, Bruce. It's up to the player.
It's up to the player. Do you want a chess
master or someone who's in a dark place. I just
want to hear what's going on in her life? Okay, man,
it's gonna be you. How let me make my way
down time. I shouldn't count against my thirty seconds. Thirty

(21:59):
seconds begin now, thanking for wanting to listen to me.
Of course, feel like most men in my life, and
by most men, I just mean my son, my husband,
and the man who swapped lives with my husband just
have no interest in what I have to say and
the experiences that I have. I saw a man drawn

(22:22):
and quartered and they don't give a fuck. That's medieval.
And that scene one everybody. Scene two is from listener Kale,
who wrote High Altemy Gang. Instead of subjecting you to

(22:45):
a fifteen paragraph treaties of my appreciation of the show,
here's a scene suggestion. Evil supervillain keeps accidentally creating inventions
that help people. All the best, sincerely, Kale Kale. And
now it will freeze people who are anything for that matter,

(23:09):
almost instantaneously. Oh this is this is amazing. You just
point this gun and it'll it's instant freezing subzero temperatures
like cryogenics. So maybe if they have health issues, we
can freeze them and then they maybe thirty years later
there's a cure, then we can unfreeze them. You're a genius,

(23:29):
Mr Mr Dangerous. Well, I don't know if I want this.
You know what, maybe this one's gotta get work done more. Um,
what did you want to purchase from me for? Like
what's uh what's your angle? Uh? My angle? Uh? You
know my angle is to come up to have something

(23:50):
that will kind of help destroy my arch nemesis. Oh yes, yes, yes,
Now the freeze can could do that because if they
are frozen, you could push them over and they chatter.
Have you seen demolition Man? Okay, it doesn't matter, but
I've got other things. Well, it's just that was kind

(24:10):
of the inspiration for this freeze gun. Is that the
one with Sandra Bullock. I don't remember. I just remember.
I don't remember either. So how did you know? How
would you know if there's one spot, there's one spot
where this person freezes, and then they don't want to
spoil it. I've got other inventions. You're sure you're not

(24:30):
talking about Batman with Arnold. I am certain of it.
I am certain of it. I don't want to tell
you who. Thank you, scientists and other intellectual citizens of
this community. Uh, we brought you here today to discuss
a revolutionary breakthrough in science. Now. For too many years,

(24:53):
too many orphans have expired. I don't other work. I'm
I'm an intellectual with leather work. So we've been we've
been looking for a way to preserve these orphans until
they can find a forever home. Nope, that's not forever
like dogs, I mean any kind I'm I'm listening to

(25:16):
the speech belt shoes, just trying to This technology came
to us in a strange way. As you know, this
city has one super evil villain. What's your waist size?
Because I can just get a belt done. I'm not
gonna tell you real quick, I can see I just

(25:38):
don't want to say it. Turns out that somebody has
slipped some of his technology into our hands, and now
I present to you a way to preserve our orphans.
We've done it, everybody. That's amazing. We've done it well.
These are all handmade loafers. So that's why said no, no, no,

(26:01):
I'm not talking. I'm talking about the new technology. Are
you listening to what he's saying, because it's I'm hearing
what's going on, and I'm also saying, now, let's not
forget that this super evil villain is not in the
market of doing good, and he's really smart, smarter than
most people in this room. If I'm going to be honest,
we gotta keep one step ahead of him. Everybody. We

(26:22):
gotta keep doing our part to make this world a
better place. I want this Florida shine like the top
of the Chrysler building. Girls, Yes, yes, yes, where's everybody else? Sorry? Sorry?

(26:44):
Oh good mama? What can we do for you? I
want these floors to shine as bright as the top
of the Chrysler building. We've been scrubbing all day. How
can they get any shining here? Don't give off that
mouth to me. Don't give it off to me. You
listen to mama. Mama, you know I have a date tonight.

(27:09):
Are you serious? Right now? Who would ever want to
date you? Just a super evil villain? Interesting? Interesting, very interesting. Okay,
he's going to com you to pick you up. He's
coming here to pick you up. Yes, he's coming here.
Very good. Make sure he comes here to pick you up.

(27:31):
You shouldn't I have a date too. That's not that's
not true. That's not I have no wait, I cannot
be true. It's absolutely not true. Les, Can I be
honest with you. The only reason why you all aren't
frozen to a block of ice is that I have

(27:51):
a lot of chores for you to do. But if
you're also going to be just going off gallivanting with
a bunch of dates, I'm gonna go ahead and freeze
your app noma. So you're looking to get another you're
looking to get another orphan? Um? Yeah, I am I
correct that you've already got was it? Four? Three orphans?

(28:16):
And they're absolutely useless. They used to do a lot
of great things and then all the sudden puberty hits
and all they do is thinking about thinking about sexual stuff. Boys, girls,
they run, they get m Well, are you sure that
your heart to the right place for getting orphans unfrozen?

(28:36):
What does that? What does that? What does the heart
have to do anything with it? I got another box office.
What do you want me to throw this? Uh? You
know what. Keep them in the back, Keep them in
the back. Got a surplus, and I've got for them.
They're good forever, They're good forever. Hi, Hi, super evil villain. Hello.

(29:00):
I just want to say I can't stop thinking about you,
and I'm looking forward to tonight. I just want to
be absolutely clear because I'm an evil villain. But you're
eighteen or old or correct? Oh yes, yes, absolutely, okay.
I just one thing though, um, and she's so embarrassing.
But Mama wants you to come in when you get here,

(29:21):
if that's okay, just say hello. I mean, this is
just a flake. I don't want to meet your parents. Okay,
it's just the one. It's just a flake. Is this
your first flame? I'll take it. No, I'll take it.
I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll
take it. Okay. Maybe maybe Mama can run out to
the car and say how do you before we leave? Well, okay,
I'll wave to her as we drive away. I gotta

(29:44):
I gotta go, I gotta come. Mom needs milk. Well,
look who it is coming in first some leather. I
told you stop by. You know what? You got me
thinking about a belt and U and I was like,
when's the last time I treated myself to a belt?
And it's been been a while. And I was like,

(30:07):
I've been doing science, so much science all the time,
you know, trying to make new science for it, for
life longevity. But I was like, why don't I take
care of myself? You know, That's what I'm saying. And
let me just let me just throw this out there. Now,
you came in for about We got them, but who
makes all of us? You're looking at him? Oh you
by yourself like a bunch of millions. How so you

(30:35):
have a couple of pets. So let me just show
you over here. I got some vest, Sonna. They are
hot this spring. The vests, these are amazing beautiful. These
tiny buttons. I don't even know how you would work
with these. You have to have tiny hands, oh yeah,
like an ELF's hands or so check this out right,

(30:55):
So we got all these, Let me just pull this
one down here. You look like a tan letty. Oh yeah,
so precise, Yeah, so close to each other hand stitch Wow,
tiny hands again, Um, super evil villain, do you have
a new invention to share today? Yes I do. I've

(31:19):
been quite disappointed the way people have taken my previous
invention to try to make the world better. Yuck, yeuck
yeuck a gross gross. So what's your new intention? Well,
this here is a vacuum sealer. Now I just put
somebody and everybody else at the scientific community. I appreciate

(31:42):
you being here today. Now we have had a breakthrough.
You know, I can put hair anywhere on the body.
It's kind of for too long are frozen orphans? Have
thought prematurely. We now have the technology, thanks ironically to

(32:03):
the super evil genius. You might think back of the
knee here is useless, but it is. Yes. Hi, I'm
from the Science department. I was wondering this new cryo
technology that we have a lot of our noculations don't
last long outside of a fridge, and I was wondering

(32:24):
if we could use this new freezer technology to keep
these medicines viable for longer amounts of time. That's a
great question, because I'm here to unveil alongside the cryotherapy chambers,
a new vacuum sealer, you know, can we start using

(32:45):
that actually for medical things? And instead of this encapsulating
of orphans. I'm just confused, you know, We're just we're
here at the Science Convention. I call this meeting of evil.
Seems like some of our goals have been misinterpreted and misused.

(33:07):
So I've brought the evil people of this universe together.
All right, Ever, for a roll call, everyone, just go
ahead and say your name and I'll mark it down
on the evil guy present, Bad guy present, Yeah, bad

(33:30):
woman present, bad woman the present. Mr Dangerous? Are you here?
Oh that's me, but it's a Professor Dangerous I have.
Actually it's Arizona Online, but it's it's official now, not
Phoenix Arizona Online. Okay, actually I think you're right. It

(33:50):
is Phoenix Arizona Where Sandra Bullet. Sandra Bullet, she's an
actress who was in a shouldn't man if you know,
I do know the movie. But okay, anybody else on
the actually changed my name. It seems like a great moment.

(34:10):
I realized there's a bad guy and bad woman. Seems
there is a redrivative and I'm actually have a doctorate.
Maybe I can be doctor Evil. How about that? Well,
that's that one's already been taken. So I'm Simon Phoenix.
Oh oh the worst, Mr Phenix. We didn't know you

(34:33):
would be attending. You've made it all the way from Mars.
Someone already used my name, did they not? Not one
of you? Said Phoenix? Oh god, I was talking about
the school that I went to. It's just it's an
unline university. It's I'm a professor now of the f

(35:00):
professor professor danceros I studied evil. They've got it's a
long corricul. You know you look. I think I remember you,
Simon Phoenix Pheoix. Yeah, that's that makes six, yes, yes,
no Phoenix. Okay, Mama, he should be here soon. How

(35:27):
do I look? You look great in this closet. Now
you can't go on. I'm going on her day just
like you look great, Mama, Thank you? Now, do do
my nails. Sorry, he's coming very soon. So you guys

(35:52):
shoved down here too, huh? Where you were all the
thought out oysters not oysters but orphans, what kind of
like oysters, but that were shucked out of the ice
and then thrown down here. Yeah, my moud she runs
through us. You're gorgeous. I probably don't know that because

(36:13):
you were a frozen orphan. Do you know have you
ever heard of the movie Devin Unlessian Man? Yeah? Is
there is? There a whole bunch of what we're talking about.
Then you look like one of them. I'm sure it's
actually said in the future, like Taco bell is like
the nicest restaurant's pretty col that's so funny. So are

(36:35):
you gonna get out of here? Or I really loved
that movie? I really love them. I mean the budget
alone so crazy. Just like a point of conversation, I
don't remember. There is a really funny sovest just a
loan tonight? Yeah, oh whoa, whoa nice, that's why I'm
wearing this. But down in the closet that like, I mean,

(36:57):
I've lived in complete darkness for a long time, so
my eyes are kind of adjusted to that. So it's uh,
only getting like a bit of what you got on.
But good look getting out of here, I'll tell you
that much. What about what have you tried using this?
Oh the door opens? Okay, you just found that door.
Did you want to stay here or do you want

(37:18):
to come out? This is just like demolition Man, where
there's just like this underground movement going on to live
beneath the city and they're about to emerge, and oh
you found it out of the door. Where am i?
This is a shop we make leather goods for our master.

(37:41):
My fingers are pleading, no, thank you. I can't go.
What don't you take your hands off of me? No, no,
I'll tie you up. You'll be drawn and quartered. So
medieval time here for uh, I guess I'll use this

(38:02):
primitive door knocker, nick nick nick. Maybe there's a doorbell
I shouldn't be trying to get. Yeah, I've got a
day with a totally over eighteen but really bringing my
youthfulness back. That's a red flag right there. But what

(38:24):
do you mean that's a red flag? Man? You gotta
announce that. I mean, I've made it very clear. Yes,
I'm sixty two. It's but at the same time, I
wasn't looking for someone younger. It just happened to be
that they were frozen for a long time. So they're

(38:46):
probably a lot of alter than me. A lot of excuses. Man,
what are you doing at this Doorstep four? I pick
up teeth and that's see three comes from Patreon. V

(39:09):
I P. Toby, who wrote, Hey, Kevin or Cole made
that mistake last time, and I could hear the sincere
disappointment in Cole's voice. I was listening to some older
episodes and came across Tinkle, Captain of the Fairy Guard.
Now he spells fairy here two different ways. I'll continue that,
he says. I debated whether or not to recap slash

(39:32):
remind you of him, but decided against it. The only
hint that you get is that both of the spellings
of the word fairy f a r y and f
e r r y are important to his character. I
would love to hear the origin story of Tinkle, Captain
of the Fairy Guard. Thank you so much, Toby mack

(39:53):
p s. I'm counting on you, guys, because I'm planning
to steal all of your ideas to create a movie
adaptation of this scene. M alright, alright, everybody just calmed
down here. Uh no, no, no, no, this is a

(40:16):
good thing. This is a good thing for the Fair Union,
all right, this is a good thing. We don't have
to people expect us to fly. We don't need to fly.
Oh no, we want to fly. No, No, that's your option.
I'm giving you that option. That's the union is here
to give you options. Okay, but people expecting you to fly,

(40:38):
that's not should we fly again? I think we got
to fly. I think we have to No, No, that's
that's exactly the point. Trevor, Trevor, that's exactly point. You
don't have to fly, alright, to fly they expect, but
you don't have to give him that. That's again, the
unions here to protect you. We need to on unionize everyone.

(41:01):
Hello me, No, no, don't, don't. Don't leave this. That's
the problem with unions. They give us options. Our money
works for us. No, this is what I'm thinking. I
say we start some kind of uh um copy union. Yeah, yeah,

(41:26):
that's whatever should be in charge? Just what cop in charge?
I could be in charge? Oh, we've got two people
who want to be in charge and in charge three
people who the union usually has his vote. So you
fight it out. We can't do that. Well, I won't fight.

(41:47):
I'll fight using my words. Okay, I would like to
present Oh my god, oh my god, this is not union,
and we use the I don't. I guess it's broken glass.
Anybody else want to lead. Don't want to vote for him. No,
we're not voting. We're not voting, voting because I don't

(42:11):
want to vote for him. Now, look, kid, I understand
you were an apprentice and you are now officially a
member of the longshoreman. We work here along this shore
and we lift heavy things and we move metal and questions. No,
you just I know exactly what we do. So if

(42:33):
we could just get to the loo. At this guy,
look at this. I heard about you. I heard about you,
Mr Smart. I asked that they call you. They call
you Mr Smarty. It's smart, ge smart. Look, I don't know,
I don't know. Look, here's a couple of things, A
couple of rules, A couple of unwritten rules. You need
to understand one core is me okay all day long?
You gotta course me understood, and too, no talk of

(42:57):
the no tacos, no no talk no no wait, that's
that's the rule. And I was trying to get quiet air,
Mr Smarty, smart Smart, Here's what I'm saying. What are
we doing here? Man? I mean, it's just a two
it's my offt what's going on? Hey, guys? Uh? Bad
news going on? As I was initiating the new guy

(43:19):
as we do, right course me, and then you can't
drink on the job. Man, you're gonna get your union
status with book what. Yeah, we're dealing with rebar. We're
dealing with heavy metal things. You can understand. Understand the
safety consume. Yeah, no, no, no, no, for sure, for sure,
for sure. You know I'm not gonna class over this
man smells like six you know what I mean? You

(43:40):
you know, you know the saying I had a ship anyway? Yeah, man,
that's not a good saying. It's like right. The other
thing is when I was trying to initiate it, what
were you talking about? Man? Initiate just hours in and
then he gets in what are you talking? You know,
the old hazing we went through, you know, teach him
the unwritten rules and whatnot. Yeah, we passed biology and
make sure that doesn't it anymore, right, Yeah, but you

(44:01):
know that's for the guys. But us guys, you know,
we know lu wait wait wait wait you drunk? Right?
What's up? Are you drunk? Right now? Okay? I told
him not to mention the goddamn fairies. Okay, Oh whoa honey,
I don't know about this job The guy specifically told
me no tacos and I may tacos have taken to
work today. I don't know if I can do this job. Baby.

(44:26):
We need the money, I know. I'm sorry, Mamma. That okay,
I thought this there would be a sleep right now, Mama,
go back, go back, okay. Mr Tinkles, lu lu go
back to sleep, mama lu lu. Oh god he comes,

(44:49):
ruffles Lulu tinkle from Mr Ruffles. Mama, Dad, what are
we doing with our lies? We're just honestly wasting away,
taking just being caretakers as a hundred percent of my life.
Shut you are you home shopping? He's at the door shine? Oh?

(45:15):
Will you bring your father food upstairs? I'll take care
of it. No, no, you do everything. You go to
the door. No, no, no, let's get the door. Why
don't you get the door? I'll get the food. Okay,
m hm um. Who is it? Hi? Yeah? This is
Herman Farm here. I'm here to pick up Mr Glenson,

(45:39):
supposed to take him in for a hair cleaning. Oh okay,
let me. I'll open the door now. Sorry, I don't strangers,
I'm good, thank you? Yeah? Is he here? We're just
supposed to take him over the hair salon. Just get
that hair clean and then we'll bring right back. Yeah,
how long is that slated to take? About eight hours?
He's an older man, so it's gonna take about eight hours.

(46:00):
And could it perhaps take even longer? What do you try?
I have my plate is full to the point of
toppling over, and then if it topples over, it's gonna shatter,
and all my food is gonna be on the floor,

(46:22):
and I'm gonna be hungry as ship. And the shattered
glass or or porcelain or whatever. The plates are made
of paper. Well, paper doesn't shatter, so that doesn't work
for this one. But let let's let's call them. We'll
call them glass plates. And the shattered glass is going
to bounce up and cut me in the legs, and
one of them might even nick ephemeral artery, you see.

(46:44):
So I need for him to be taken away for
a time, as much time as you think is legal. Really,
what do you mean we gotta kill him, that's what
she said. We gotta cut his artery or something. But wait,

(47:05):
why did you bring him here? Dude? What do you
mean why take him? You didn't have to, don't want
to lose too much chair because it's not growing like
it was. Okay, pa, alright, this this is ridiculous, man,
don't just call him palm. And it's building this weird
relationship between you and the guy we call everybody older
than me P Like that's just a I know man.
But it's different now. It's different now. It's like it's

(47:27):
not like a familiar thing. It's just like it's creepy. Man,
it's creeping now because we have to kill him. If
you heard what this woman said, the way she talked
about different food, you would understand. Okay, you'd understand, man.
I don't need to be restrained. I'm finding the chair alone, okay,
Mr Gleason, thank you? All right, I'm taking my five okay,

(47:52):
fucking rules. Oh no, cool's drinking out the job. What
are you doing here, drunk fairies? I know who you are.
I know who you are. Which one of you stinkle
m hm? Which one of you is the fairy guard?

(48:13):
Huh guarding all the fairies? Ware? Un your nice anymore? So,
we don't have a leader. What do you want from me?
What do you want from our work? Hard? Don't I
you guys don't know you don't know. I'm look at

(48:35):
my hands, phillos callousis feel those got you? All right?
Keep it down? Keeping What the hell is going on
in it? What's up sticking a pist into the ocean?
Jesus Christ? But just piste all over the office? Don't

(48:56):
you know what? Grant? This is it? Man? This is done? Man? Okay, okay,
so I know that you dog walk, could you possibly
also take out my cat at the same time? Yeah,
you want to take your cat up for a walk? Yeah,
if you could just walk the dog and the cat
and just long. What's like the longest amount of time?

(49:21):
Are you winking so much? It's um it's a twitch
from stress. If we're being completely honest, how much time
can you take my pets normal walks? It's like eight
hours I do I usually eight is pretty good. Eight's good,
but eight days is great. Think about that. Let me think.

(49:45):
I don't have a job, but I'm good for it.
My husband just does. He's he's locked it in, he's
locked it. He's union. I don't need a leash. You
don't need Oh this is it's not a leash? What
is It's like a belt? Okay, yeah, I'll take this Okay, wonderful,
So you're gonna take the animals, all right? I don't

(50:06):
need this, shouts, I don't need this, possible, because right
now my ice cream cone has far too many scoops,
and at the end of the day, you try to
lick one and then seven balls fall off, and then
you're left with no ice cream, and you're unhappy because
the little bit that is melted into the cone is

(50:26):
now sogging through and you can't even enjoy the crunch
of the cone because now it's just a soggy piece
of what feels like paper plate. And I don't want
to eat that. I was here for ice cream, but
now the ice creams on my feet, and my feet
are cold, and there's a rat like in them, and
the rat's gonna give me a bite and it's gonna
give me a disease and then I'm gonna die. Is

(50:48):
that what you want? Or can you just take the
animals for eight days? I don't get the metaphor, but
I'll just take your cut off and talk and talk
God bless not blass. Oh no, look, I'm feeling better. Okay, Okay,
I have a coffee, Yeah, I have a little have

(51:08):
a little calue in their little bailies in the car. No, no, no,
that's what got me into this trouble, the beginning with disappear.
If you don't have a cause or a clue, mud
slide it, do much slide? Are my friends? Yeah? Yeah?
What are your friends? What do you What do you

(51:29):
like most about me? Um? You don't talk about it? Yeah?
Drinking drinking? Wait oh wait, before I put that to
my lips, what what do you like about me? Just
you're gonna drink this. Wait, you're starting to disappear. You're

(51:53):
disappearing too, You're both disappearing. Hello, Keith, you're still in
this interview right now? All right? So looked over your
resume before FIFA you were you said your different name, Grant.
You were a long sherman who was fired for antagonizing fairies.

(52:14):
Is that correct? That is correct? And I've got to
be honest with you. I'm here with the third name
for the third chapter of my Listen. We don't need
names of chess, alright, Chess is annos sport name the
top chess player in the world, Bobby Fisher. He's long gone,
but he's not He's fake, right, isn't he fake? He's fake, right, No,

(52:35):
he's real, but he he's like Jesus. Right. This is
exactly why we love you, because you don't know the
sport at all. Just because the chess guys chess people
get a little aggressive. We need somebody who has a
little authority coming in and setting the law. Do what
you want out there, of course me. Yeah, because yeah,

(52:57):
you go right, yeah, all right? Oh shit, oh ship, no, no,
it's good to be home. You think this is all Tina?

(53:18):
Thank you so much for coming tonight. Um, you only
have to take care of the baby. It's just Lulu tonight. Okay,
Uh where did everybody else go? They're out, Um, and
we're going to go out. We're finally going to go out.
We're going to go out, and you're gonna be here

(53:39):
and you're gonna take care of Lulu and we we really, really,
really really thank you. Thank you. Okay, okay, all right,
yeah I can do that. Cool. But I still at
the same hourly wage. Right, You're still going to get
paid hourly. You could even be paid daily if you
want to extend, if you want it to ye, if
you if you're cool with the day rate, it won't

(54:02):
be the same as union. I know you're not in
the Babysitters Union. It's not going to be as high,
but I'll Babysitters Union. Oh yeah, called the Order of
the Baby Sitter and I was like, no snacks, goldfish, goldfish,
quiet down, please, chocolate, chocolate milk, babysitters please, quite down.
I just want to get this Unions Babysitters Club say

(54:26):
hello to get her out of here, get her out
of here. That book and that set of movies ruined
our union. All right, that's right, that's right. Yeah, we're
hard working babysitters and everyone. I mean the fact that
they think that a baby should have ash to be

(54:48):
a teen girl, that pisces me off. It completely flipped
the stereo table. A baby shitter is Greg Carson. Everybody
been a member since seventy seventies six when babies actually
need to be shat. Now, those bs with the tablets
in the phone, Yeah, and they look at the kid.

(55:11):
All right, Greg, that's how. Just hold on to your
thoughts and we'll get to all the agenda. And we
also have Stephanie Stiglitz is here. Everybody. Stephanie stig first
time in here. Yeah, all right, welcome that's what we have,
the people who've been here forever, and we have new
people's Stephanie looks like you. Is it okay that I'm
a teenage girl or no? Of course, Well I'm actually

(55:36):
not eighteen. I'm just a babysitter. Oh about this, Shi
get ready? But and that's our seeing three everybody. You know,
you know, it's hard to find it out when you're
on the inside. I don't know how Kevin does it,

(55:57):
but he does. Um, thank you, every buddy. Let's think
our Alchemist. Let's go around. James Heeney talked to us.
Thank you for continuing to be a part of Alchemy this,
thank you for thanking me. I just feel lucky to
be here now. I know it's too late for people
to turn back time and be there this weekend for
our Alchemy this live hang. But our live hangs on

(56:19):
the last Saturday of every month at eleven am on
Twitch at Alchemy this, Twitch dot tv, slash Alchemy this. Well,
they're fun and it seems like unless something drastic happens
in the next month and a half or two months,
we're gonna be live. So come join us and call in.
And you mean you mean in person with each other live,
in person with each other live. We've been keeping I'm saying,

(56:44):
we've been going live just on on zoom, but now
we're gonna be in the same room, which is gonna
be fun. And that's eleven uh am Pacific time, specific time. Yes, Okay,
that's exciting. Speaking of being excited, look at how excited
a tool is a tool? Are you super excited about? Oh,
you're gonna be joining us, joining us this week again, James,

(57:04):
who knows when this comes out, But you're gonna be
there for the first official in person live hang that
we've had in a very long time, right, yeah, yeah,
so that's gonna be happening. I'm also hosting a Valentine's
Day party and the St. Patrick's Day party, so if
you can attend those as well. Is this an official
invite all things that happened in the past. Oh, Jackie

(57:28):
thinks that's so funny. Well, thank you for being here, Jackie.
Did you like these segways? It's great. Thanks for having me,
and thank you for explaining that one, because then I
bought it and I laughed. Now, Jackie, you're also going
to be at the in person live hanging and be
the in person live. Hang. I'm very excited. It'll be
my first in person twitch hang. Um this. Have you

(57:52):
ever been to Kevin's house? No, and I'm excited. I
love going to different different houses. I love checking out
real estate. Yeah yeah, Joey, what can you look forward
to at Kevin's house. There's a couple of sweet doors.
I'm a door freak and I love like the way

(58:13):
like like certain doors sit and all that. It's it's
you're gonna love it. Yeah, there's some nice jams, some
door jams there you're not gonna find anywhere else. Shows over. No,
this is no, we're not doing characters. This is us
as ourselves. Okay, we can't. Let's just get out of
you French doors, doors, English doors, Spanish doors. Let's take

(58:35):
a second here and take our engineer and producer, Mr
Doug Band and the fine folks at I Heart Media.
Please write to us at alchemy this at gmail dot
com to getting your suggestions and until next time, and

(59:02):
I foll