Strangers.

Strangers.

Bad dating locations.

All the shit keeps falling apart.

 

 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
And I say, welcome back to another episode of Ugomy this.
I'm your host, Kevin Poll. Yes that Kevin. Yes, we
do have an auto maniac with us this fine month. Yeah.
His name is Nicolas and his uh, well, he's the
funniest German I've ever come in content. I'll just start there.
Low bar to clear. But I see I was hoping

(00:25):
one of you would attack his entire homeland and and done.
But I digress. That's Meekima Shawi in no particular order.
Let's quickly check in with Craig Atkowski for his two
my current TV watching review kacao, What am I currently watching? Um?
I've got the n C Double A Tournament on. UM.

(00:48):
It looks like Indiana is right now gonna advance. Oh
you said current? You said current, I should have said
a reason, Mr, Well, last week, would we we record
two episodes? I think I watched. I watched like half
of Inventing Anna during the first episode, and uh, and
then I finally finished Dune during the second episode, and

(01:11):
I jumped in for some in pro You know, I
assure you whatever you were able to watch of Inventing
Anna in that first episode was all you need to watch. Hey,
there's Chris Alvarado model modern man. Fill in this blank please.
The first thing I do when I wake up is blank,

(01:33):
hug my dog. Now see what had to look in
the mirror. That's my as your correct answer, but walk
the dog. Hugged the dog was also, uh, not think
of your phone. Not just to start hating yourself, just
to start yeah, not because you're faint you look in

(01:55):
the mirror. Yeah yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong.
There are those mornings when you're brushing your teeth and
you just look at the mirror and you go, yeah, yeah,
I'll be I'll be frightened off often in that moment
with the old funk that's looking back at me through
the mirror because I'm still looking out of like forty
one year old eyes. Look out, it's James Haney, Jack, Jimmy.

(02:20):
What's your third favorite thing to do in Chicago? No,
we don't have James. Oh no, no, no, no, no no,
I'm thinking it's just the third Okay, oh god, I
guess it's just simply to take public transit in Chicago,
like take the L. I miss it so much. Uh,

(02:43):
And it's the destinations I end up after taking the
L are better than taking the L. But the excitement
of being on the L is great. Uh, it's all
above ground the L not all of it, but the
best parts of it. Okay, so you feel like you're
on the monorail somehow, but like a really like a

(03:04):
steampunk monorail. I know there's still robberies, probably I haven't
been on in years. I don't mean muggings. I mean
like from the oh. I don't think they're I think
they've gotten I think they've taken care of that kind
of properties. It's all internal now internal crime. Fair enough,

(03:26):
and now please welcome back Caroline Cutter looking for Mr Goodpoop.
What is your favorite location to visit in this country? Well,
no offense, not to yuck anyone's young, but it's certainly
not the L train in Chicago. If I had to
pick a location in like a city like Chicago. Um,

(03:51):
but I'm just saying that randomly. Um, what's my favorite
location to visit? I don't know. I remember one time, UM,
I like some family in um uh, Montana. And one
time when I was young, I caught a bunch of
toads and put him in a bucket and that was
fun for me. And I want to get back to

(04:12):
that kind of energy. Oh I can dig that. Yeah,
sorry about the last thirty years and last but guess
for you if you think him least, it's Mr Mark Gagliari. Hello,
dr G. What's your favorite attraction at any amusement park? Uh?

(04:32):
There was a ride uh at Frogs in a Bucket?
Uh is my favorite carnival game? Uh? My favorite ride
is called the Blazing Fury at Dollywood. U say, I
don't know if it's there anymore, but imagine Uh no,
no, no no, not the Blazing Fury, sorry, the Flooded Mine.

(04:54):
And they were kind of sister rides. One that there's
ant look fire and water Man opposites. They're both indoor
dark rides all uh, kind of a Jankee version of
Pirates of the Caribbean. One of them is this whole
southern town is on fire, and the other one is, hey,
this mine is flooded where this prison is all of
us prisoners should try to escape. Um. But some of

(05:16):
the some of the animatronics don't work, like there's uh
there at one point there's just feet sticking up out
of water and you're like, what is happening there? Like
it's it's the long ago. Did you go to Dollywood
last time? I was in Dollywood I think six years
ago last time. So it's something you've been several times.
When I was a kid, I was a I was

(05:37):
a pass holder for five years. I grew up in
East Tennessee. Man, it's what you do. You're a kid
in East Tennessee. You go to Dollywood because she is
a national, international treasure. And if anyone says anything, Oliver,
I'll kill them. She's a global treasure. Um. Yeah, and
Jamie's wanted to go to to Dollywood. Oh, you guys

(05:57):
should go. Yeah, for ten years she's been talking about it. Well,
thank you for that. Let's do it, am show all
of our scene suggestions, gather from your listener emails or
our patron v I p s uh to become a
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(06:19):
doing right now, and all of our zoom sessions since
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Of course, you can join us in one of these
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guess how to say mark our Nicholas mcgever uh is

(06:42):
currently making his children dinner and watching us from Munich,
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is head on over to patron dot com slash alchemy
this if you'd like to become a supporter, and we
thank you if you want to remain emailing us your
scenes suggested, because again, when you're on Patron you get priority.
That's right, you're scene suggestions slip in the queue at

(07:07):
the top. Um, if you wanted scene suggests from the bottom.
Who doesn't write to us at this email at gmail
dot com that's talking to this email one patron alcomniac
Kevin P who wrote, Hello, funny people, I have a
scene suggestion strangers, good luck. I'm sorry this is a

(07:34):
line I understand because you walked. You stepped in front
of me. The line is starts behind me. Hi, UM,
I am just sorry? Can you not touch me? Can
you not for me? Out of the cute couple? I
don't you do have at off by one get one? Uh?

(07:55):
Does that have anything to do with being in a
couple because you mentioned it right afterwards? So I just
it's you guys are so cute. You guys are so cute.
They didn't get a picture at the end of the ride. Baby,
maybe we should um take this man up on this
by one get one fift since we're both here to
get a phone anyway. Yes, you're right, we're both here

(08:18):
to get a phone, and there is a ride at
the phone rising store. I look another satisfied cut. They're
going to get a picture at the end. I have
to be Can I talk to you for a second?
And this is not gonna jeopardize my place in line, right, Chad?

(08:40):
You two are my top priority. Go ahead, step aside. Okay,
there's okay, Sorry, So there's something weird about that guy,
first of all, but also I am not attracted to you.
I don't like I'm not going to exchange any sexual
favors for this. But I love a good deal, so
that's why I'm kind of willing to do this. So

(09:00):
I meant for this. Okay, we just hold hands as
we walk up? Absolutely not. Why would we have to
do that? He already thinks around a couple, don't We're
not going to How about names? How about names? Exchange names? Okay,
but I'm gonna make one up, because I don't want
you to know anything about who I actually am. Um,
my name is cell phone. What's your name, Charles? Is

(09:23):
that your real name? Yeah? Okay, okay, great, Well let's
get these Let's get the Bible and get he said
bio and get one free or holy ship Charles. Hey,
hey man, how's it going? Whoa, you're already in line.
You're already in line. We're right at the back. Oh man, Yeah,
how'd you get up front like this? You must have

(09:45):
been here for a while, just got here part of me? Um,
this is I We don't have a threesome thing. It's
just I'm so. This is just a friend of us.
We went to Harvard together and he graduated top of
the class, and now he's very rich and famous and
I'm at the back of the line. That's how rich
in famous time. Um, but but sorry to interrupt chat,
but I just want to say, hold on a second,

(10:07):
or a cute couple like you too, I'd be willing
to fudge some rules three the family plan. Oh who
doesn't like a good family? Are you? Then you could
just come up to the front of the line. Here
you can get a picture at the end of the line.
Is this your goal line? It's just that you know
he's gotten everything he's always wanted, and I know he's

(10:27):
told me to hold on a second, so you could
tell us what your big idea is. But my big
idea is this is to let him know that even
though he's got everything and I've got I don't have much.
I have her. Okay, first of all, I am not
let me be clear, I'm not like a possession to
be owned. He doesn't have me. I'm a stranger. We're
doing this for the deal. Um. Wow, this is really

(10:49):
good for you, this thing called life. Yeah, I'm gonna
go to the back of the line. Charlie, did you
get me my android? Then come into your mother's room, Charlie,
don't love her in the doorway, Charlie. Get in here, Ma, Dad, Hi, yep,

(11:09):
got to you your cell phone? I charged that turns
it on? I Um, is this a refurbished Android? No, months,
it's the newest one. I wanted a refurbished what why
would she need the newest one. It's not that much
different that I met someone. What her name is? Cell Phone?

(11:34):
You our our boy, Dolores, our boy finally met a girl.
I thought you would meet a girl at Harvard after
we spent after your father worked night and day to
put you through the best school in the country. Now
now he's a late bloomer. It happened. Happens A sit

(11:58):
in bed with us, Charlie right in the middle, crawling
out there a well, Mom, she's beautiful, and uh is
she a person or a cell phone? She's a person.
She's a person now, Dad, Dad, She she doesn't want

(12:20):
anything to do with me. Why didn't you tell your
mother the nice things about her and tell me the
terrible things? Ever since you were little, you always told
your mother the nice things that happened to you, and
you always come to me with problems. She's beautiful, she
doesn't want me. You want some of these bugles. Don't

(12:43):
get crumbs in the bed. Did you get a picture
of you and your girlfriend on the Verizon ride? Yes?
Actually yes, And that's the only I have to find her, mom,
I have to find her. Dad. This is gonna be
a lot of traffic out there today. Why are you
talking about romantic comedy moments and trying to find her

(13:04):
with your mother? And I get the traffic report, That's
what I get, is the you're getting crumbs in the bed.
Why do I get the traffic report, Dolores, do something
about this. Don't eat all the bugles Herbert's. That's that's
our meal for today, the bed. Because your father broke
his back working hard to put you through Harvard, that's right, idea.

(13:29):
He's a late bloomer. Don't give him so much grief
about cell phone. Oh, Chad, hi, Chad, remember me, I
was here the other day. Yeah, I remember you. Hey, Um,
I just want to say I took the survey online
and I gave you all tens because I thought you
were so great to work with. It's really nice. That

(13:50):
girlier with she she reported me. I got in trouble.
She said that I broke the rules and put you
guys up with the deal. Well, why don't we Why
don't you give me her information and I'll get her back.
It's in the computer, i'd have to Well, actually it's
actually on right now. Yeah, I'm sorry. So you you

(14:14):
allowed two people in the front of the line to
add a third and then they decided not to, but
you still didn't even check to see if these two
people were a couple, and you gave them It was
just the third person that wasn't. I didn't realize they
weren't a couple. The third person wasn't part of the family, right. Well,

(14:36):
the female of the two reported you to the front
office with a complaint, even though you did them a solid.
Somehow she found it in her rights to bring down
well hell fire, which is what this is. But you
would never write me up for that, right, I've done

(14:59):
more than write you up. What you're now an assistant manager? Yep,
you're going to be working here for a long time.
Cell boned, cell boned part of me. I know someone
who lives here. Are you? Where are you yelling? Cell phone? Well,

(15:22):
she gave me a fake name. I think she's being
cute and like hard to get and what what flourish you?
She's three, she's she's in an apartment three or six. Marcy,
you know, tell me all about her. I want to
know anything about her. You know Marcy, you know her, Marcy, Marcy.
She's living the building for like nine months. Oh so
she's like fairly new to the area. Seems nice. Um.

(15:45):
Sometimes she gets in real late and like turns up
her music loud. Oh a party animal. I mean, there's
like there's a fair amount of dudes that that visit her.
I don't know, I don't, I don't, Charlie, Charlie, I
am so glad I caught you. You've got to abandon

(16:07):
this mission. I just got promoted to assistant manager. I'm
gonna be there for a long time if you if
if she's already raised hell for what I've done, this
is gonna this is gonna be bad. Okay, And I
just learned her name. What's your name, by the way, sir,
my name Kurt, Kurt, Kurt with a K Kirk, Kirk.

(16:32):
This is Chad. Kurt is in front, said Kirk with
the K like as in, okay, you it's not important. Look, Kurt,
what are you guys all doing out here? So it's okay,
I'm Kurt. Just if you ever want to come by
my rooms three oh six, so any time after two

(16:55):
am two am would be perfect. Okay, Okay, what are
you doing? And what how did you find where I live? In?
My name? And Chad, what are you doing here? And
it looks like you have a new uniform on. Well,
this is what they call the boss uniform. Marcy Marci

(17:15):
is here. Oh, I have to go fund this person.
I'm so sorry. Oh my god, Mom, Guess who I
found outside? Guess who I found outside of the woman's
place that I love? Dad was there? Dad was there?
What this? I got up this morning and he wasn't

(17:39):
in the beard. I he must have gone somewhere, and
that's seen one. I just needed another hour to fix this.
You did have a need to fix it, didn't you? Always? Always? Yeah, yeah, sure,
I can take it. Yeah seem too. Comes from listener Atlas,

(18:04):
who wrote, Hello keV Maister and the Gang. It is
the Swede Atlas here, I am truly a man. There
was some confusion about that last time a few years ago.
Well it's nice to know you let it go anyway.
My suggestion as a man is trying to find the
love of his life but always picks really bad locations

(18:24):
when dating. Kind regards or whatever you say when ending
an email nowadays, By ah, so this is a Denny's.
I hope you are comfortable here. I mean they have
a very diverse menu. What are you in the mood for?

(18:47):
I can pretty much promise you they have a lackluster
version of it. Um, Honestly, I was thinking candlelight. Okay, Well,
did you bring any candles. No, I I honest, I
didn't know I was gonna need to bring my own candles.
I was thinking, you know, like called being proactive. But
if you want to point fingers, that's fun. I'm okay,

(19:10):
I'm okay, but that well, it's not really pointing fingers.
Is there is there somewhere around here, maybe a little
more romantic, that's less lit by fluorescence. Folks walking to
Denny's start off with bucket of toads. All those are
good if you haven't had a bucket of toes. Let
me just say we start there. Oh it's like French

(19:34):
like prog legs or yeah, I'll have a bucket of toads.
I guess. Hey, hey, Randall, is that right? Is that
your name Randall? Yeah? Randall? You don't need to fix this, Okay,
just let the man and trust me. Bring a bucket
to see. That's I don't know if I do though, six,
nine or twelve toads. Let's start out with twelve and

(19:55):
see where we go. That's the maximum. I'm sorry, I
I don't. You're unbelievably fast. Can I just say that
the way your mind works? He gave us three numbers
and you instantly pinpointed which one was the lodges? Could
could you not tell the twelve? Are you and counting? Hi?

(20:19):
Randall Um, Hi Max Max. So this is interesting, starting
at a starting at a cemetery that seems spooky but fun. Yeah.
I mean I I the last guy that I went
out with it was it was a little too fluorescent
lit for me. So I thought I thought that, you know,

(20:39):
maybe we'd do something a little moonlight. You know, this
is nice. Yeah, anyway, this one's my ancestors. I mean
it's there, like specifically their crypt, the whole crypt. You know,
you knew that this is like your thing, like your
family thing. Yeah, well, come on, silly. I mean I
told you I moved fast. I wanted to meet my family.

(21:01):
That's funny. That's funny. I don't know, it just doesn't
seem as romantic anymore. Here, hold this candle. Hold this candle,
I carry him with me. Now I'll hold this one
and I'll stand on the opposite end. Okay, okay, I'll
stand on this end of the crypt. Okay. Now look
on the bottom of the candle and just read what
it says ou tomo Asa. Oh oh my god. So

(21:34):
this is my family from us. This happens all the time.
He was cute. I know he was cute. They're all cute.
But I bring him to you, and it's like, I
just don't know what to do. Do you think it's
my top? I mean it's really only half a top. No,

(21:59):
well use me. Look that might have that might have
thrown them off a little. You try being buried and
having little creatures and rats and other stuff caught a
trump away and your clothes. Yeah, I guess it will
happen one day. I just can't wait for that day
to be there with all of you. You must beat Randal. Yeah, yeah,

(22:22):
you you must be sore. I am sore. I am sore.
You're you're very strong. Thank you. Um, I'm sorry. I'm
so sorry. I didn't mean to derail this particular train
we were on. No, no, it's just very crowded on

(22:45):
the train. Uh you know this is Uh? Are we
just gonna are we just gonna go around? The nine
am on the l seemed like a terrible idea to freeze,
fucking freeze, Give me your money, give me your wallets, Jesus,
oh god, oh god, it's an old timmy. It's an
old time to hold up. It's a it's a bandit.
I didn't know the bandit still existed. Just put it

(23:07):
inside this big bag with the money sign on it.
Reach for the sky, Tommy, Sorry you free that's a
new one by me. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You heard him reach for the Yeah, I was reaching.
I'm reaching. Here's my wallet. Actually, do you want to

(23:29):
get out of Wabash. I need to get off at Wabash.
But put your ballet into it talking to you. I
was talking to my date. Yes, let's get off at Wabash. Wait,
get you left your partner on the train, Tommy, What
the hell? He just got off right there? Sorry, folks,

(23:50):
I'll be mosing on to the next car. Do you
think I did good over there with the exception of
the freeze thing? Well, you back when we were on
the train, Okay, I gotta be completely honest. My mind
is I got scared, and when I get that scared,

(24:10):
I lose track of work. Voice said, wabosh, and you
jumped off the train. Tommy, that I got it. Then
I got back in the other doors because they didn't.
But I thought the other couple split up, left partner
I guess I wonder how that must have gone. Well,

(24:31):
Thank goodness, we made it out. Oh jeez, it's one
of the robbers. I'm getting back on. Ye. I mean,
there must be an alternate version of this life where
we both got off the train together, and then there's
probably another version where you got off with one of
the robbers and I stayed on the train with another

(24:52):
of the robbers. And it's just interesting, like the different
divergent paths that that's why you have to see a
couple's therapists to kind of talk about this. It's a
multi verse all day long. It's all they want to
talk about is our personal multiverse. The Randall and hansa verse.

(25:14):
Kind of catchy, but that makes you mad. The idea
of multi versus makes you mad. It's not the idea
of multi verses. It's about the idea that the life
that we're living together isn't the best life that we
could possibly have. Sure again that there are other lives
that are better. I understand, and I just want to
keep in mind, um your request you made at the
start of this couple's counseling session, which you said, although

(25:34):
it's a couple's counseling session. I also want this to
be a romantic date, so I'm trying to honor that
UM as best I can. Well, thank you, thank you.
Luckily I know now to bring my own candles and
cloth and waiter. Yes, um. And they've all signed NBA.
So anything you say here, UM, they cannot share it

(25:55):
with you. So think about what you want for appetize
with anything we say, they can't share with us. I'm sorry,
I can't share that with you. Hey, Look, I'm sorry.
Look I served you guys the cheese, right, I did
a good job with that. I gave you guys the chicken.
I just can't talk about what I heard in there
with you. But I I just wanted to recap what

(26:16):
we talked about. I mean, haunts. You don't remember in
any of anything we talked about. I don't remember any
of the things we talked about. So we thought maybe
you could help us, and maybe there's a version of
this life where God chicken and God damn it, and
then everything diverged from there. Look, I'm just waiting for
the brown line, brown line like everybody else. Okay, that's

(26:40):
that's it. I'm actually had an old town. Oh yeah's familiar. Yeah, yeah,
we also live in Chicago. Okay, go oh yeah, you'll
talk about anything else, hey, Chris, or did you make
any friends on the L platform today? I know that's
where you're going to try to meet some new people.

(27:01):
Yes and no? Okay, Okay, Like I met people, but
then it was one of those scenarios where I ended
up working for them and then I had to send
an NDA where I couldn't discuss the things we talked about.
And yeah, so it's like where do we go from there?
You know? Yeah, I think you should try to meet
people and like not be a freak about it, you
know what I mean. I think the way you are

(27:21):
approaching people just hon at sub excuse me, L platform
is very um it's kind of jarring. You know. You
would say that because you take the Red Line to Belmont. Yeah,
and I love taking the Red Line to Belmont. I
I honestly prefer it to living in this apartment. If
I could stay on the Red Line to Belmont every
day seven, then I would I think my life problems

(27:43):
would be solved. Yeah, well, um they're not. So anyway,
back to us being roommates, you know, we could we
could cross that we could, we could, you know, we
could go somewhere from being roommates. There's two, there's two,
there's other levels. There's a real friendship. I think it's
right above roommate day you want to look into Okay, okay, great, Um,

(28:08):
I'm gonna go back into my room. Thanks for telling
me about your day. One last thing one listening. But
the two people I didn't meet, the archemy here for
a day tonight. What okay, whatever, Just don't don't knock
on my door. Don't like get me involved. As long
as they don't use the router is in your room,
So if you can make sure it's like by the door. Yeah,

(28:31):
I'll make sure the routers by the door and bumping.
As for your request, it's Randall and Hans. Hi. Hey,
hi guys. Hi. It's a great place you have. What
a nice place? Yeah? For two? Yes? So do you
guys come to Wrigleyville often? Um, you know, every now

(28:55):
and again. I wish I came more. I mean I
wish I was on the red line to Belmont all
the time. But you know it's not every day. Oh.
I think that's a euphemism for having your period. Oh
that is seen to month month. Scene three comes to

(29:26):
us from Patreon Michael A, who wrote, I gotta say
we all learn a lot about you all when there's
a guest host. I think this is the third time
Chris has hosted, not on that, but every time he does,
he goes deep. Plus he trails off and reminiscence. Just
fun to see where his mind goes. Would love to

(29:47):
see Carla come back for a few episodes. Got another
scene suggestion considering the last one you all knocked out
of the park with Joey's Pirates story. The suggestion is
all the ship keeps falling apart. That's it. Love you all,
Michael in Joshua Tree. Did you get the year four

(30:09):
palets loaded yet? Uh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got the
it's loaded because I got six more that I need loaded.
So all right, we'll get the six loaded. Look, how
for many palets you have? That's how many we'll get loaded.
That's well, this is what I would be told about you.
It didn't matter how many palets I need loaded, You're
going to load them. It's written faster. It's written on
the side of the truck. It's written on the side

(30:30):
of the truck while you gotta get out of town
so fast. Are you asking me to look at your truck? Yeah,
so I could see what's written on the side. I'm
just pointing out that it's written on the side of
the truck we loaded, the one that says we load
as many palets as you want. Okay, I see we
load as many bags as you want. That's not yours,
that's not us. We load as many nail guns as

(30:51):
you want. That's definitely not ours, not yours. No, no, no.
But behind it's behind that the then there's then there's
the smoothie truck. Then there's a right. Can I take
your word and would just move forward? Yeah? I mean
it's you're you're dymes all on your time, terrific. So
six more pallets, six more pallets? All right? Answer my question,
though it's just out of curiosity. I'm just being friendly

(31:13):
while you gotta get out of town so fast. I
have things pressing. If you need me to be more general,
I could, Yeah, more general than that would be nice.
I have thoughts in my head. Okay, Okay, you know
I have thoughts in my head sometimes too. You want
to share three? Sure, I don't know why, butter is

(31:34):
always so hard. Then back to one. Yeah, oh, you
only want one more. That was only one of the thoughts.
The butter one jumped. I jumped to two in the
list of three. I don't know because the butter one
was the third most important. Number one is definitely thinking
about pallets. Pallets. Wow, you're good. Oh man, I don't

(31:56):
even need to know what number two is. How about that?
Are you fish talking to me? Yeah? Hyah, No, no no, no,
no no, I hold that box. Okay, hold that box.
I need to look inside that box before I loaded
into this truck. Okay. I will load as many nail
guns as you want, unlimited, but I will not put
anything in here that I don't know what is going
in there. You understand. Yeah, but these are nail guns.

(32:18):
I mean all those other boxes had nail guns. This
one has nail guns in it. Just put it in there.
Why is it a different color? Is it? I couldn't.
I didn't. I guess maybe you know my uncle's color blind.
He get those glasses. You know, we did one of
those YouTube videos and when viral is fuck. I have
no idea what you're talking about. Let's just put this
one into it. So imagine, imagine all of a sudden,

(32:39):
I get you glasses right, and you start seeing the
world the way we all see it. But for you,
it's a whole new It's like it's like technicolor for you.
You know what I mean? What what say? If what
if somebody lied about being colored bying and they put
those glasses on it? No different, dangerous, no difference. Oh
my god, sorry missing me and my friends couldn't help.
But notice you're the guy whose uncle is color blind.

(33:02):
It was in that viral video, right, love that video.
We can quote it. We quote it all the time.
You go, oh my god, I love faking this. These
are colors. You're telling me that's red. Yeah, he goes,
Oh my god, I'm not faking this. And he goes,
he goes, you're telling me that's red. Yeah, Hey, sound

(33:25):
just like him. Sounds like why don't you put this poo?
She put this box and the guns on the truck?
Then I love I look up that video. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
look it up. Look it up, look it up. You
should look it up. Anyway, we're gonna go. We're not
supposed to spend too much time with adults. Wait wait wait, wait, wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on, did you know? Did
you know that that was my first time ever shooting

(33:46):
a video? Yeah, it was. Your hand was really shaky. Yeah,
that was how amateurish it was, because that was the
kid I was trying to I was going to recreate
it and do another viral video. But it's hard. It's
harder to do this. Oh man, good luck going viral again.
Huh you kids ever go viral? Yeah? Yeah, we've got

(34:08):
like one point three million followers. Yeah, that's on that's
on TikTok though, on Instagram we got like twenty million. Oh.
We mostly do like food reviews and excuse me, excuse me,
I'm sorry I was. I was loading pallets over here.
You are you those two kids who who do food
reviews and watch other people's videos and then uh and

(34:29):
then hit him up on the streets for money. Yeah. Yeah, wow,
I'm a big fan of you guys. Big thing, guys.
I just loading pallets over here. It's always funny how
you guys do that. You find someone out of Bible video,
take all their money, and then just avoid the state
you've left some of those people in. Holy moly, we're
gonna need you to sign an NDA by the way
because we've been filming all of this. Oh okay, I'm

(34:52):
not gonna tell you guys about anything back over at
my palates. All right, well we have to go. We
kind of got um. Thank you so much. Nice meeting you, guys,
nice meetings. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Good luck with everything. Yeah, thanks, thanks? How about those kids? Huh?

(35:13):
Okay you too. Sweeth Hot Food review of the Pizza
Cupcake Take three, four, five six Pizza Cupcake more like
a cupcake man, pizza. Oh, it was so good like
you to cramp on that pizza flavoring into one cupcake

(35:34):
sized bit, brush it in your face. It's so good.
It burned my tongue so bad my mom had to
rush me to the emergency room. And they said that
they were going to cut out my whole tongue and
replace it with a new one. But then they didn't.
They didn't. That would have been cool though. Well, Mrs Jenkins,

(35:57):
we have two options. We can cut out your daughter's
tongue or or not. Oh my right, So really it's
up to you. I personally would recommend cutting out the tongue. Well,
let's think about it. Cutting out decision. But the other option.
So what would be the after effects of either of these?

(36:17):
If you cut out her tongues, you won't have a
tongue anymore. Um, but let's think. Let's let's walk that
one through. No tongue means no, means no sass, no
sas nos zero sass back goorf front. But leaving her
tongue in her head, does she do anything with a
tongue to make a living? I certainly hope not. It's

(36:41):
like make videos with twenty million views? Oh oh gosh,
well yeh did you think man? Hey, hey you you hey.
I opened that box you gave me earlier. Found this
little kid in there yours? Oh that that's probably a
different box. There's no this is hey kid. Do you

(37:02):
know this guy? I mean he put me in the box.
All right, so I got I got really a neutral
looking face. I mean it's a lot of people are like, oh,
I think I know you're from somewhere, and like so
many of those nail guns for you. Okay, I took
him all over the city, all right. Everyone was happy

(37:23):
with the ship man's this one box ago? Where does
this go? Where does this go? There's no there's no label.
I opened it. This young man pops out and he says,
he says, he says, where am I? And I'm like,
I don't know. You don't know where you are? He
probably knows now. I brought him back the front. I
let him sit in the front and the way back.

(37:44):
I'm not a mon. Shouldn't have done that. You should
have done that is dangerously some secret agent who knows
how to kill people and stuff. That's exactly what it is.
But you gotta be careful as long as you don't
say the wrong trigger word. He's got a certain word
that they've been planted in his head and he becomes
like weapon X. This little guy comes up weapon X. Yeah,

(38:05):
even I don't know what the trigger word is. I
hear it starts, what are you trying to do here? Stopt?
I want to see this kid turn into a weapon X.
Fiona Fiona apples and Fiona Apple. Oh god, I'll miss
Fiona Apple. It's it is surprisingly a very rare word

(38:25):
to use, so you're probably not gonna say it. I
bet I know it. It's five letters though, he's five letters.
How did you know that he's been working on it?
That's four letters. Don't do anymore any more? Loved. No,
al right, Okay, you got the first letter in the
wrong place. You've got the fourth letter in the right place.

(38:47):
You stop it ships first, Um, have you read the
book by about where Grover says there's a monster at
the end of this book. Yeah, well there's a half
ending there. There's not a happy ending here when he
turns into weapon X blood. Yeah, I'm gonna kill both
of you, probably me too, Yeah, both of us. Do

(39:08):
you know the word me? Of course? I was told
so that I never say it whispered to me. I
really shouldn't because if I do whisper to you, I
know what you're gonna do with the word. I don't
want to die. I got things to live for. I
again that ease in fourth place. And there's an L somewhere. Yeah,
I'm genuinely working on this. I believe you are at

(39:37):
this point. I don't think you know the word you could? Yeah, well,
what are the clues? Give me the clues? Give me
one set Mark? Hey, Mark, it's me. Yeah, I used
to I used to live next to you. Yeah. Yeah, hey,
good to see you. Quick question man, quick? Yeah, what

(40:01):
is it? Pal? A five letter word? Uh? Fourth letters?
Has is the E. And there's an El somewhere in there.
You've got something for me, Yeah, Bagel b A Holy shit? Yeah, Man,
Mark God, who's this kid coming through my window? Die?

(40:30):
It was worth it? Mark? Hi, I'm sorry. I have
a complaint. Someone activated my son using a very rare word. Okay,
and what would you? Uh so let's start with that.
The complaint is what the complaint? Mr? What? I don't
know what your job here is at the c I A.
But thank you for finally returning my emails and my

(40:51):
phone calls in my text But you must know my
son Malcolm. Oh yes, we're quite aware of that. He's done.
He has killed because of you. Half of his brain
has been reprogrammed to be a killing machine when the
trigger word is said. We can't deny or confirm that
we are involved in any way with your son's killing

(41:13):
spreezing that are connected to a word that we implanted
in his head. There's a manual that was delivered with
my son after he came back from camp and it
said your name from the CIA signed. So that is
a confirmation part of me, ma'am. We just want to
let you know we just replaced Malcolm's tongue with a
cybertronic tongue. Okay, thank god, because my son makes his

(41:36):
money with that tongue. And wait, what what are you
thinking of? I'm folks, it's going to be just a
few minutes. Looks like the Verizon ride has broken down.
But in the meantime, please enjoy a complementary bagel. Well,

(42:00):
they just dropped these things from the ceiling. That's kind
of yeah, weird that they just had those up there. Yeah.
I I do believe in that thing where it's like
you can only get a good bagel in New Jersey
or Oh my god, I'm so sorry, what is happening?
This is freaking that I cell phone? Why is he
calling you? Marcy? I don't know. I don't know this guy.

(42:27):
Um Derek Um, but yeah, I'm cell phone, that's my name.
And let's just enjoy these bagels. Just enjoy these dry
bagels in peace. Okay. It's like obsessed with me. I mean,
he's running along the track to this rod that seems
really unsafe. I know, hopefully he'll get hurt along the way.
That's the best we can hope for. What was that

(42:53):
someone saying? I think I think I missed that part
is a part of the ride. I don't know it's
I think it's from the room behind. Oh man, thank
you everyone for me is here today. Now it turns
out um Our Young Malcolm has malfunctioned after he replaced
his tongue with a cybertronic tongue. He activates to the
word bagel. Well, in fairness, he has to be in

(43:15):
the location where the trigger words that the word bagel
has said. Otherwise Einstein's would be out of business by
now because it would be a blood path anytime within
five miles of a single location. Well, this would be
helpful information to have had earlier. Well, it's all in

(43:37):
the manual signed by the c i A. Moving on
to the second issue of the day. Five letter word. Okay,
m hmm, I need help with it. Just any five
letter word. You have any clues or anything anywhere with five?

(43:58):
Because I thought love and I'm trying to put love
every which way is four letters. That's my issue. That's
my issues. So I'm looking for one with five to clarify.
Your issue is that you can't count? That's probably one
of them. Sure, Okay, what about um Solve? It has
those letters from love in it? Oh that's good. Damage,

(44:23):
she's good. Wait do you guys hear that the room
shaking a word for another? I feel it, I don't
hear it. Oh no, well no, a murder reactivated kool
aid you all did, so thank you for returning the

(44:54):
kool Aid Man costume. You had seventy two hours on
the checkout and it's now been nineties six, So there's
an extra day charge of seven dollars. How would you
like to hey that? Oh? Well, I see, I'm I

(45:18):
don't have any extra money I was counting on. I
guess I thought daylight savings time was gonna it's saving?
Is that blood on the cost No? No No, no, this
is okay. So you you parted koolaid on the kool
Aid costume. Huh? Why don't you just try running the
card I gave you a second time and see if
it comes through. Maybe that'll work. Sure, just give me

(45:42):
the card and I'll running again. Oh you need the
physical car. You can't just pull it up from what
I paid before. Lick it, lick your costume if you
think it's no way it? Well, I'm not licking it, honey.
Can you not what I'm trying to? Maybe you should
make him get babel it's cool and he would want

(46:03):
to lick it. If it's blood, he wouldn't want to
lick it. I'm so good at business. Just let me
be allergic to cool aid, otherwise I would my lover
would appreciate it. If you could just lick the costume, please,
so we can all confirm that it is in fact cool.
A part of me. I'm his agent. Uh. He makes
his living with his tongue. He doesn't just use it
wherever he wants to. So card again please, yeah, would

(46:29):
you lick it, sir, because we just need confirmation that
it's that it's cool because it looks like blood. You
take a look at it. Okay, all right, now you're
assuring me this is cool it right? Can I talk
to you privately, like a little further away from them, boy,
that doesn't raise suspicions. Yeah, go ahead, you two go
over there and talk. It's blood. I uh my trigger

(46:50):
word was said that this ship keeps falling apart with
you man, Just it's just lick it. It's just blood,
all right, fine, fine, fine, fine, okay, Well we were
able to determine that I will lick it because it
is in fact kool aid. Okay, great, there we go.
Here we go. So I am looking to hire a

(47:12):
hit man. Can you tell me a little bit about
the last job that you did? Well? Uh uh, I
can't really because I signed a lot of sure, sure,
but in generalities, well, let's just say I made a
hell of an entrance and it was quite a splash. Okay, listen,
like you crashed through the wall like the kool Aid man. Well,

(47:33):
I can't say it because of the N d A.
But I wouldn't lick my costume. That's for damn sure. Um,
So you had a costume and was this and I
used my tongue to make money. If you're interested, okay,
we are. We are interviewing a number of people today. Well,

(47:53):
well hold on, let me step in. I'm his agent. Here,
I'm his agent. Look, I'm telling you here, this is
the one you want to go with. Okay. You need
people dead, they're dead. You need people missing, they're gone.
I mean, this guy doesn't does it all? Okay, we
don't provide We don't provide costumes, by the way, you'd
you'd be on your own for that. You know. We
get a mom and pop shop, we get we get

(48:13):
all our costumes from okay, okay, we will we will
reimburse up to on costume rentals. Very nice, very nice,
very nice. And will there be a plus ten percent
for agent V? That's not standard? No, I know, but
I'm just saying, since you get right, there's scale and
then there's this is scale. This is Hitman scale. Although

(48:35):
although you ever find sometimes agents still take which is weird, right,
noticed that it's like it's like it's ten percent, like,
oh no, of the whole thing. Yeah, well, do you
have any questions for me? Is that your truck out front,
the one that says, uh delivers all all the smooth them. No, no,

(49:03):
mine is the one that says, uh delivers all the ruffies.
Oh we it's fish orange ruffie. You know I've got
a fish delivery business. I'm bad at reading, so I
thought that was something completely different. Oh what did you
think it was? I don't want to say something burst right. Well,

(49:27):
it's just spelled very similar to a drug. I didn't
all you said it. I didn't say it. Oh god,
oh god, I never thought about that anyway. That brings
me who I want to kill, which is my my
partner in the fish delivery business. Oh and so I
was thinking that you'd wear a fish costume and then
we'd issue you a trigger word that whenever it said,

(49:50):
the fish would crash through the wall. And so I
not only do I want him dead, I want him
to think that a giant fish is getting a venge
against him and his in his last moments alive. Let's
crown on my thing. I doubt you'd find someone, all right, Turtling,
you can pick one, either one goldfish or turtle. It's
up to you. Um um, oh, I don't know. Um,

(50:13):
I'll do a goldfish. Okay, let's ask this gentleman for help. Hi. Hello,
gold fish for the little lady? Is that what I heard?
All right? Let me get my stick, pull it down
here and it's a little batt You have water. Here's
your gold fish, young lady. Take good what I was

(50:40):
trying to give you. Oh no, how are we ever
solved this problem? I want that my mom, I want
that one. I don't think that's possible. Can we buy
this one? Which one? I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted
by the chill. I'm sorry. Apparently the fish costume made

(51:02):
it so it was impossible to kill. They got away
and he said the trigger words stick five letters, like
I busted through the wall. They were just more disappointed
at me and wanted a different goldfish. Did at least
scare the ship out of him? Not even a bit,
not even a bit. Okay, well we are still requires No,

(51:27):
we're not doing that. We're not good, try though, good
try Okay, Well what did we say? Yeah, you're still
gonna pay me? Oh, I was really coming in here
for a big disappointment. Thank you. No, no, I'll pay
you the one twinnie. And how much was the fish costume?

(51:49):
It was? It was like it was. It was a
little more than cover. So that's two fifty for the
But here's the problems. I'm still losing. So you know
you could rent the fish custom right, you don't need
to buy it. I mean, if you buy it, it's
five But if you rent it, it's twenty four dollars

(52:10):
a day. But when I brought the coolid customer, you
charged me a lot. Well because it was covered in blood.
But listen, if you right, so, uh, you wanna purchase
because we've only got one fish costume. It's pretty popular,
so we don't like to sell it. That's why it's

(52:32):
so crazy expensive. I got a deal where I'm gonna
have somebody else pay for half of it, so it's
kind of like, you know, worth it for me, honey,
what every fucking day? You know, it's the same thing
I want to watch. I want to watch this man
click the fish costume. You're never gonna find someone who's

(52:55):
making a living with their tongue. It's just never gonna happen.
I want to watch this man lick the fish costume
with this. If you do do issues asked, I'm knock, yeah,
will you still make the receipt for five? And that
is our show? He gets a deal and screws a partner.

(53:20):
All right, let's thank all of our alchemists please, starting
with Mr Chris Alvarado. Chris, boy, this is fun, I
gotta say. James said, can you run that card again?
And and and I was. I was instantly sent back
to just this morning at a nine am haircut appointment,
very early for a haircut appointment. First time I've ever

(53:41):
gone to this person. Um, I had an idea of
how much it was gonna be based on the website.
When we're all done, he says, I can take your
card to do right here. Oh, very nice MC cash
as you do. Came home. It's a long story. But
then my wife and I go out to walk the
dog and you want to talk about the haircut and
how was the Oh nice guy is how much was it?
I go, it's this much. She says, oh, okay, that's

(54:03):
a little price. It's okay. Then I go, oh, yeah,
he sent me the receipt much more. Well, you know
what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say, Okay, can I
just say, is it weird to say? I need to
sit all the way down? So I thought I was.
I thought I was paying sixty five for a haircut,
which is like, okay, that's that's pricey. But what you
can you get what you pay for. You're going to
a good place. I'm going to good place. The haircut

(54:25):
was ninety No, no, no, that's not right. Maybe because
it was nine am. I started thinking it's good that
I tipped him heavy on thet because that would have
been a week cash tip on the nineties. Can I
can I say one thing about the oddness of the
nine am haircut? Yes? That time? Um, this morning, before

(54:47):
we started, I reached out to our haircut fella and
asked h if he could take me anytime this week,
and he wrote, Wow, that's crazy. I'm saying it's a
little crazy. It's crazy enough. And thank you Chris, thank you,
James Zeeney, thank you, thank you. Well. I'm just so,

(55:13):
I mean, the coincidences in the world really strike me.
And I've never been able my my hair cut places
an open till ten. I could bang on the doors
all I want, couldn't get it. Maybe if you maybe
if you licked the door. Um. Anything you'd like our
listeners and or viewers to know about, well, I would
like to remind them that on April, uh third, I

(55:37):
believe it's what it is. Maybe it's there's a show
in April at the west Side Comedy Theater And if
you go to west Side Comedy dot com it's listed
on their calendar. It's I think the it might be
the ten. It's the third. Wow, it's coming up so soon. Yeah,
so come out and see a show. It's at eight
p m. Come and see Alchemy just live on stage.

(56:00):
Excellent plug. Caroline Cotter, thank you so damn much. Yeah,
thanks for having me, always a pleasure, and um, thank
you for performing at the last Alchemy this live show. Yeah,
it was pretty wild. I would say things got pretty
left up. I don't like to curse, but it was

(56:21):
a little bit different. So so there's a ringing endorsement
if ever I heard one, And thank you for participating
in that, in this and in those. Mark Gagliardi, Yes, hi,
thank you, thank you, Thank you so much, buddy, oh Man,
I always love to come and play. I also got
to play at that, like the really weird Dark Alchemy

(56:44):
this last live show we had. We probably shouldn't talk
about really anything that happened that night. I heard the
term freaky deeky for the first time. Yea, if they
come to the April show right, here's helping fingers crossed
as well. Thanks for having me, sure man, Craig Atkowski, Yeah,

(57:04):
I should say that. I ran into Jackie Gonzalez do
Ruthie in the Wild recently and I said, Hey, did
you do that live Alchemy show? And she said no,
did you uh, which if the answer was yes, I
wouldn't have been asking if you were if you were
in it. Also, I pulled up a recent haircut haircut
appointment of my own. Can we see this? Nine? Am?

(57:28):
I what else? Would you go? You go right when
they get your haircut done, and then you're done for
the day. Like James might never be able to speak again.
We've we've blown his bacon. Let's thank your engineering producers
to the stars. Mr dubeam find folks, did I hurt media?

(57:50):
I'm you host Kevin pokerminding you to please be kind
of each other. Thanks for supporting the show and watching
and telling everyone you've ever met. Until next time, it
shan be a football.