From Your Listener Mail: If the superhero names Captain Critique, Soup-er Man, Keeper of the Rules, Pits & Palms or Daylights Savings Man don’t ring a bell, you’re not alone… The time to get to know them is now, and you’re welcome. The office of the Registrar fills up quickly with over-worked yet under-informed teachers, coaches without borders or rules, and one funding family who’s faces haunt the halls. NASA decides to open up the opportunity to be an astronauts and work on the International Space Station... Folks from all walks of life line up, and, oh-boy, are they all not qualified.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to alchemy. This I'm your host, Kevin Pollock.
Yes that Kevin Pollock? What's that? No? Thank you? Well
just take the check place, dear pals emposses. Over the years,
I've seen my fair share of alchemy. By definition, alchemy
is quote when a person or a person and he
just creates something through a seemingly mental process. For lace,
i've seen my fair share. Was that an example? Okay,
(00:22):
if you're gonna be a needy, naysaying narc, let's see. Uh.
When I completely let myself go from Halloween through Thanksgiving,
right up to the end of the holidays. The plan
was to buckle down and drop those newly added ten
pounds in the month of January. But when a stomach
flu hit me New Year's Day, I got to beinge
watch all kinds of TV series and movies, pe out
(00:44):
my ass for three days and lose seven pounds. Now
that was a seemingly magical process, But I digress. While
letting in bedhom under your value will ever eat actual
food again? The idea struck me. What if I brought
together the right creative people and ask them to make
sure up based on my own twisted ideas? And then
offered a podcast of this seemingly magical process, and I
(01:04):
could call it alchemy. When you're done flost in your teeth,
can you fetch some cranberries? Well, good people at the club.
After your good title tinkering, I'm a very proud to
present you to another episode of help Me. Let's meet
our accna, shall we, in no particular orders, say hello
to Craig. Craig, what was the high point of your
(01:25):
holiday season? The fact that I wasn't peeing up my
ant Yes, it was great. Correct, continue small juice for
four hundred park your car, park your cards? Vanessa Raglan VR.
What fun did you have for the holiday? All of it? Sorry? Everyone?
And he left? Who left? The dogs? And it's Joey Greer,
(01:50):
Greg Hunter. What did you get up to for your
holiday time? A lot of relaxation. Yeah, yeah, paint my wagon.
It's Chris Alvarado. How was your Chris most season? Um
sliding across the highway icy conditions in New Mexico. A
(02:12):
spin and mostly enjoyable, mostly enjoyable. Yeah, last would shave
your bag if you think him. Lisa's James, Heeny James,
why do you hate Santa? Well? Truth is it's he's
immortal enemy. Well, I guess it's an immortal enemy of mine.
He screwed me over when I was a child, and
then I ever since I never forgave him. God bless you.
(02:37):
Um Our scene scenarios today come from you, the listener.
That's right right to us at your name here at
Alchemy this dot com. And we may be able to
infect you is one of your scene suggestions. All three
today come from your listener, mail. Let's start from Stewart
and then how would you pronounce that name? Do you thing?
(02:58):
Luccio l u c I O W it's w lose
a little bit of the Italian flair, but lukoff Steward
lukoff right. A gathering of superheroes with mediocre powers, such
(03:19):
as the ability to snap their fingers and shut the
lights off, or the ability to jump slightly higher the
normal or teleport four and three quarters feet. We now
take you to a Katherine of superheroes with mediocre superpower. Yes,
I mean all every all the cookies here are all
just fresh, so freshly made a Pacific. But are they
(03:39):
gluten free? They're gluten free. They're gluten free, guys, so
please just get a cup of coffee. Just get their
hands are damp? Are your hand? Snamp? No? I made
your stamp. I can do hands now. Oh wow, that's
that's great. So you can make anything. Damn No, I
can do pits in hands? So do we need do
(04:01):
you need a new name? Are you no longer pits girl?
I can keep it. It's catchy pits and bars. Okay,
can we stop this? We we scheduled this meeting for
a reason, right, Yeah, you want to read the minutes
from last week. We'll just jumped a new business m
I mean, I'll recap a little bit um. Last week,
(04:22):
we all decided that we would spend more a lot
more hours in the streets after dark. After dark. It's
scary after dark. That's daylight standings. Boy, did you make
the adjustment? I came out and it was still it
was dark out really early, so in all fairness, it
was after dark, but it was six o'clock at night. Okay, Well,
(04:43):
I think you know what I mean. I know what
you mean, but it is I'm not even supposed to
be out of my house after nine pm. I don't
want to fight with you. You know, this is my superpower.
I follow rules. That's right, I can follow the rules.
Everybody so so so um so so I think um rules? Man?
(05:05):
What do you watch your point here? Did you need
to throw up? No? Okay, I'm back to it. Well
with anyone, like a cup or a bowl of split
peace from Superman? No I am super man, no time.
What do you want? A French onion cold? Vic swas?
(05:26):
It's not good soup? Where I never said it was
good soup? Where does that can come from? Where does
it come from? It comes from within everybody, everybody, everybody.
We are not stopping any crime, right, Yeah, you're again
(05:47):
just to recap your ability needs to set clocks back
twice a year. I can change rooms full of clocks
one hour, one direction or the other. And it's useless
in Arizona. Well it's useless when you say it's useless.
But who can't do that though it's a room full
of clocks. I mean, hey, we don't give notes in
this room. Okay, okay, that's just kind of what I do.
That's just kind of what I do. I give notes,
(06:10):
Captain critique. I'm saying you could you could use that
to help others, and you can use that ability of like,
you know, taking and rules and all that stuff to
kind of help other You know, well, I'm doing that
to help us here. It doesn't how I help because
you're so annoying. What is the word? It's just whatever,
Captain critique, A little feedback on this, uh this cream
(06:34):
of tomato? What's it missing? Uh? Flavor? Passion love? I mean, honestly,
it's it's creamy. But are your fingers wet? Yes? Kind
of yes. It's it's time to go around the table.
New business, new business. I need to hear. I need
a statement from each of you. Needed to tell me
(06:55):
how you will be using your superpowers in the new
year to help others, to help others. Thank you. I
like that. Okay, we'll start with you. I'm going to
be volunteering at a homeless shelter. Please state your name,
your your superhero name Superman with an oh uh uh
and you well, yes, but to distinguish me from from
(07:17):
from the regular super from the regular Superman Superman? Are
you only know just getting that? God? Oh, it's the
same sound. It was the hyphen that drew me. Yes,
there's also a hyphen between the between the P and
the yes. You don't look like him at all. No,
I don't know. I'm totally different. Bill. You got a superbody,
(07:39):
You got a super body? Yeah, you like someone who's
just been eating a lot of soup. And make a
quick suggestion. I think it might be helpful out there
in the marketplace, if not the world, as a way
to a marketing and get the word out a little
better as to what each of us are able to
help others with. If people knew more about our origin story,
that's seems to help people understand and appreciate what it
(08:02):
is we're going through as individual superheroes. So again, if
we can go back to Superman, if you wouldn't mind
how you found out that you had this, I fell
into a vat of radioactive capaco, and to this day,
all of my soups are room temperature. That is why
I haven't been able to burn any bad guys with
(08:24):
my scalding soup. We were able to scent them, you know,
we can smell them, you know. And I can't manufacture spices,
merely soups. And so how then, even with your limitations,
do you think limitations? I have a super alright, alright, alright,
a super power. How do you think you can use
(08:46):
this to help others. Like I said, don't be volunteering
at a at a soup line right at home the shelter.
But it'll be bad. Yeah, you're gonna it will be
bad soup. But I mean, come on, what's the standard
good point? It feels that feels problem? Um? Captain critique?
You want to captain critique? Yeah, I got some notes
on that is what here. I mean. Everyone's got an opinion.
(09:08):
Yours seems to be a super power of an opinion. Yeah,
well it's right. Uh, the opinion is always right always.
They're subjective, but they're right. So I was a boat captain,
right for a long time. I was on the Mississippi.
So you're literally are a captain. I'm a captain Okay, yes, surprising?
Is that surprising? Well the cap gave it off. But yeah, okay,
what do you think I drive around a boat in
(09:29):
the city. Huh? Do you think I am mad at you?
Because it's like why why you guys don't know me?
But yeah, I mean what we wanted to get to
know you more. Okay, but no one knew I was
a boat captain. Yeah I thought I first, I thought
you would have created something fake so that nobody could
track down your real identity. Did you use your real name?
Is your real name? Yes, I'm gen Critique. Yes, the
(09:51):
Critique is your actual last name. Your name is literally
Captain Critique. Yeah, You're superpower is giving notes. I don't
understand this. There's no one using the real name. What
because you have to protect your loved one. Come out
if they know. I just googled you. You have a
whole family. Yeah, I got a wife. I got a
whole bunch of kids, grandkids. Congratulation, thank you from thirty two. Okay, okay, So, um,
(10:17):
your wife is Jeannette? Yes, okay, yeah, oh I know Jeanette.
Wikipedia had it correct. Um. So back to your origin
and how you plan on using yourshire powers to help others. Well,
my origin story. I was a boat captain along the
Mississippi ground and I would uh As a boat captain,
I would go out and I'd sell boat supplies on
my boat. So boats are coming by or something. I
(10:40):
don't think you were a captain. That's not why captains do.
I was captain of the of my boat. You would
pull up alongside other boats to see if they needed
any supplies. Yes, why is this confusing? What are some
common boats supplies? Whoops? A tar tar? Yes, loose chickens?
Anything is a boat? A good point? You even one
(11:03):
that should know? I do know, why don't? I just
don't understand the third degree at us? I am met
at y'all because no, like you don't know me. It
feels like you can give notes to us, but you
can't handle note. You know what I'm gonna you know what,
I'm gonna take a break. I'm gonna go in my
boat and hang off and hold on. I'm gonna go
(11:24):
out and tell us how how you're gonna help others. Yeah,
I'm gonna I'm gonna help others right now by leaving
the room. Okay, thank you, Okay, she appreciate it. Puse Well,
everyone knows my story. I hope I keep passing out
the pamphlet I made raised by my mamma because my
parents didn't want me. Uh. Never got details on that. Uh, Mamma.
(11:51):
I was a normal kid, really charismatic, I think. And
then mamma sat on me for a punishment, and ever
since she got up, she said, why am I so sweaty?
And that's when we put it together and then she
died because that's my tragedy. And then I just kept
(12:11):
asking do you feel sweaty? And around me people would,
and or that turned into my independent study in high school.
Everybody said, well I do. My my hands do feel sweat,
and my pits do feels and and then it just
it was It's all been uphill from there. So I'm
going to help everybody. I guess it would be less
(12:31):
of a superpower and more just psychosomatic suggestion. I don't
think so. No, I wouldn't know. This is why she died.
I have a tragedy, and I have it. Are you
hands wet? My hands are wet. But you know, causation
does not imply correlation. I mean the table in front
of me sweat. I just keep scraping my palms against them,
(12:53):
and maybe I can do tables too wet from my hands. Oh,
I'm very good. I'm noticing these soups i'm manufacturing and
much more watered down. Well, everyone's welcome. I'm going to
do more like that. I'm also well that he the
soups are more wet supposed to be with. I've been
(13:13):
hanging out at the Dollar Tree and other places where
they have to count a lot of money, and the
cashiers appreciate me because a little bit of moisture on
the hand makes the counting more. So I'd say I'm
increasing people's revenue and productivity up to four percent a day. Wow,
that's something that's pretty great. That's very positive. Thank you
(13:35):
so much. It's my my pleasure to be blessed. And Savings, well,
I've been Daylight Savings guy for a long time. And
when I first got it, it it was just a random mistake.
I had mixed just cooking with a recipe that required butter,
and I ran out and I had to finish it
with I can't believe it's not butter. And upon mixing
(13:55):
it and then eating it, I thought, at first I
had the ability to change time. Why do you think, Well,
because I could change it just by being like, oh,
i'm running late at the hour of the clock would
go an hour earlier and I'd show up and it
would seem like on time to everything. But it was
just the clocks in the room that I was at,
So if I couldn't be within radius, and it got
(14:16):
me to a lot of trouble. And that's why I
only use my superpowers for good on daylight savings time.
I don't get it. Why, Well, to be fair, I
don't get most of these. I don't get most of these.
How are you hoping to help help others? Well, I
honestly have given up on helping people. And I'm looking
(14:40):
in this room. I think that we could probably gather
our powers for evil because we're not Is that Is
this a room of confidentiality? Can we just be honest?
I think it's a safe from me. That kind of
um goes against my origins like a good set. I'm
(15:00):
just saying, Um, a couple of you who hang out
with a little more often Superman know thatman. Yeah, I
mean we want to get together sometimes over soup, over
soup under souper. He always says that my father um
is Satan, and um he taught me to be the
(15:23):
worst I could be, And I thought the worst thing
I could do would be to rebel against him by
following all the rules. Yeah, I mean, it's not very interesting.
It's just my life. It's certainly not funny. I think
Satan as a father's fairly Interesting't been to therapy, yes, yeah, yeah,
(15:46):
And I honestly I feel like it was in therapy
where I really learned to harness the superpower. That's where.
That's where. Yeah, yeah, boom, following rules, boom, following rules.
I'm talking. I drive the speed limit, I leave tags
on mattresses. I mean, I do it all to to
a degree, and I think I'm changing the world. So
(16:07):
what I'm saying is it's good, thanks for giving me
all your attention to everybody. What I'm saying is, okay, okay,
look here here this photo. Look at this photo of
me on the boat harmonica. Man, Well, okay, I didn't
realize I was musical in any way. To be honest
with you, it was probably ten years old when I
(16:27):
sat at my first harmonic. Yeah, you sat on your
first harmonica. What do you say, my first? You sat
on your first Yeah? You did this multiple times over time.
I have because I got to reload. Uh. But I
didn't realize that once you sit on a harmonica and
get over the initial lack of comfort, uh, you can
(16:48):
make some pretty sweet music. And so in your butt
you vertically. I felt like that's what he was. Always
thought it was just ambient noise harmonic. I just asked,
that's where it's coming from. It always felt like a speaker.
It's up your But I think, well, let's be careful there,
(17:10):
because we want to we want to keep one loaded
it all the time. But what happens is usually people
are uncomfortable when they pass when me not so much,
because there's a nice little music in the year. So
every time we hear that, that's your party, and that's
a potential of us getting pink I sure, okay, I
want to say, I don't think that's how pink I work,
that's for sure. Absolutely, you'd have to be dialing in telescope.
(17:34):
I think to get to yourself. Is this true? You
can catch think I from far. I'm making soup, making soup,
watery chili attached to your hands or stick of in
the thermos. It's man, all on the cookies. You've made
that soup, All on the cookies. Great. After a critique
(17:58):
that was we know, no, course, you know, we all know.
It doesn't matter. I'm sorry you, but harmonica, no, no,
it's fine. I just make sweet, sweet music. And so
you were naked when you sat on the harmonica when
you were ten? Oh, I absolutely was, yes, And it's
the easiest way to load down. That seems like it
was intense with the whole definitely ten years old. That's
nothing wrong with that bow. I just got a text.
(18:19):
I just got a text call. The mayor says he
needs our help. Are we gonna go with evil? Or
do we help the mayorge? We were going to go
with evil? Request is Superman. Let's find out what the
request is since he needs um help moving this this evening.
How close are you with the may I can't help
(18:40):
moving because people drop box? Will there be pizza? Helcme?
Batman gets a bad signal and we just get a text.
Why don't we all get to I think that says
a lot. That says a lot and very little. Yeah, yeah,
I don't know that that answer. But are we? Are
we all for one and one for all for all
of us? I think that was a personal test. Don't
don't rope us in the you're outrench, not that like
(19:03):
you're asking. Yeah, yeah, well it says here, I'll read
it to you. It's Tom Sawyer. What does it say?
It says, uh, hey, dude, that's so personal. No, that's
not all of us, it's the dude is one person?
Hey dude? Um, crazy game of Halo last night, ha
ha by the way, are you still are you still
(19:24):
up for helping me move this? So you agree to this?
So I think it's already been to Scott. I think
we don't say say, don't say we man putting my
hand in, you putting my hand? Yeah, we all put
her hand in that chili soup. You guys are dripping.
We got a table this particular first meeting. Uh and
(19:47):
for next meeting if anyone has any suggestions that we
could table till next time. A lot now would be
just one from captain critique Okay, my first critique would
be that with let's get a let's get a room
with ventilation because here and uh, Superman, I'd like to
I'd like to alter our name to the Legion of Lame.
That's not hard. I think it's alliterative l L L
(20:10):
and and hip with the kids. I'm gonna double down
on the fact that we may be average heroes, we
could really be fantastic villains together, fantastic villains. I'd like
to put that on the list of fantastic villains. I'd
love if anyone could help me compile a list of
places that would be fun to get slippery. Yes, okay, parks.
(20:33):
I guess for me, I'd say, let's just keep showing
up one time. Oh nice? Yeah, appointed just looking right
at me. Are we getting at our jobs? Yes, I'm
gonna define good. Are we actually helping people? The meetings adjourned? Man,
see you guys, but by our next listener. Male suggestion
(21:02):
for a scene comes from Whitney Larson. Whitney, who writes,
I am the registrar of a small liberal arts college.
Each day I have interactions with students, faculty, and various
policy committees that make me question my life Choicely, save yourselves.
I'm dead already, but while I languish, could you try
(21:24):
to alchemy something about life in the registrar's office? Please
help me out. I have dreams nightmares about fireproof filing cabinets.
I desperately needed giggle. It would be irresponsible not to
point out that life here is so tedious it could
be a total disaster, maybe even or first flop. Besides
(21:46):
losers like me Atney who cares about class schedules, graduation requirements,
faculty meetings, and academic records, love you with thank you,
Whitney Larson. We now take you to the registrar of
(22:06):
a small liberal arts college for the interactions among these students, faculty,
and various policy committees. What are you saying there's no
one signed up for finger painting this semester's This is
not an unusual thing, Jason. What am I supposed to do?
I don't know, but I keep you around here as
(22:26):
a favor. It's tenure. It is tenure and finger painting
in college. What are we looking at here? Yeah? What
are we looking at here? Give us something to give
the students. This is the oldest form of art. Cave
paintings were done with fingers, and that worked like to
three years ago. But nobody cares anymore. This is a
digital era. Yeah, I mean people use their fingers on
(22:47):
their phones all the time. It's just I need you
to use your fingers to put those files in alphabetical order. Again,
it's just a waste of my skills. I'm a professor,
I'm the manager of this office. Excuse me to leave
through the registraar. Yeah, welcome, Hi. How can we help you? Um?
They told me to come here and register. Okay, your
name please? Um? Okay, I just gotta look it up. Okay, Dirk, Dirk,
(23:16):
you know who you are they told me to go
to the registrar? Right? Just looking at a register? Ok? Dirk,
have you heard of finger painting? Have you thought about
who told you to come to the I'll know all right,
I'm on the football team. Okay, okay, derk Well, um,
(23:39):
this really needs some easy classes. Okay, let me pull
up your file. Here's only one Dirk running back. Yeah
so a lot of head collisions, a lot of head
collisions if I'm doing it wrong? Yeah? Well, actually I
might have a class for you. Are you just stand down?
(24:02):
Is it easy? And it takes some easy classes? It's challenging.
How are your fingers? Um? Can you grab a football? Yeah?
I can't a group of football I'm running back right right? Yeah?
So you want to would you like to join thinker
painting class? We have plenty of space left. It's it's
(24:27):
Monday mornings at nine am and we're in the art building.
That's better. Well okay, uh sure we can want to
get up in nine Can we just double check really
quick that that that my room is available at that time?
I say we just go with it. Okay, let's do it.
Sure you're gonna be one hell of a finger paint
(24:49):
or Dirk. Okay, cool, um, I took rocks for jocks
already there any other easy classes? So you've already taken
rocks for jocks. Took rocks for jocks. Have you considered
taking rocks for jocks too? That sounds much harder in
your clients. I don't. We're not accepting any actions right now.
(25:09):
I'm so sorry. That's a scriminate the nation, is it?
What is your class point? What do you think it is? Um,
like philosophy or some show intuition? Intuition is a class. Yeah,
and you already felt the first test. All right, So
(25:29):
does that mean he's in the class. It's fine, can
be in the class. Okay, that's two classes. You're kind
of hot for a professor. Okay, shut up, You shut up,
and I'll take your hands off of his bcense. Well,
I was just trying to see what he's made up, Steve.
Oh gosh, here comes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is this
(25:50):
the office of a registrar? Okay, my son and my daughter,
Mrs my son and my dat you are. We know
who your children. I know you know who I am.
My father's name is on the business school building. We
know who you are. I know you know who I am.
What can we help you with? You can help me
(26:11):
with trying to understand what this schedule is in front
of me. My son and my daughter go here, and
I don't understand what their schedule is. Well, they have names, Yes,
they do have names, thank you very much. I don't
think you get to hear them, Thank you very much.
They would just be helpful. You do no idea with
As a matter of fact, I thought that we settled
all these issues once we allowed you to audit every
(26:31):
class you wanted to for free. I think I'm allowed
to You never came to the finger painting class. Who
is this? Why is he speaking to me? Why does
he smell like that's a fair question. What do you smell?
It smells like stale air. What is tempera? Tem what's
the fride? And what's the paint? Tempera is the fride? Okay,
(26:57):
so let's just say tempers the paint? This I finished?
Can we talk what my son and my daughtor go here? Yes,
you're kind of hot for an angry old lady. Thank you.
Please take your arm hand off with his b st.
You do not get to tell me what to do.
My father's name is on the side of the business school. Yeah, okay,
got it, got even saying what I was saying, you
(27:19):
were trying to do. Say it again. My father's name
is on the side. Everybody, let's all say it together.
And it's lunchtime for me. It's not for me. I
don't eat all day. Now listen to my mind five minutes. Okay, great,
are you still on duty? Sure? What do you need?
(27:40):
I need? My son and my daughter's schedule don't have
their names, so I think you should know who they are. Yes,
there's Dirk, great Penelope. I teach in tuition, but it's
ironically something they can't be taught. She teaches tuition. That's great, tuition,
that's what she just that she teaches tuition. Okay, maybe
(28:02):
let's talking more listening. It's intuition. Oh yeah, whose father's
faces on the side of it's not his faces. My
father's name is on the side of the business school.
Let's also together building my fathers. But I know that
building you're talking about with the big face. Who is that?
(28:24):
That's my grandfather? Come on, yes, that's true. You know
we need money for a new stadium. Yeah, how about that? Mom?
Did you figure it out. Yes, I figured it out
so I don't have to go to school. No, you don't.
They're going to give you the grades. Did I get
to go to work? Then you get to go to work?
Did I do? Yes? You do. Give me a million dollars, baby,
(28:44):
not million you gave me to Samantha. I did. I
earned it. She did her chores. I'll do my chores,
then do it. But I want my name on the
side of a building, then work for it. I love
the side of you. Um, what are you doing? You pouting,
you're holding your breath, you pooping, You're doing all those
(29:06):
things at once. You punch in the air really fast. Okay, fine,
you think that's gonna you think that's gonna scare me.
It's not gonna scare me. Grandpa's faces on the side
of a build, Yes, he is his faces and your
dad's name is on the side of a business school.
We get it, Samantha, get it. You says there's gonna
be something, you just's gonna be great. I'm already something,
(29:27):
already great. Fine, I'm gonna be a superhero. Here's what
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you both one million dollars.
You're the next twenty four hours to spend all that money.
You ever seen that movie? Okay, great, you spend it on.
I bought bitcoin. Oh oh, I just made seven million.
Oh seriously, Samantha, I didn't see that. I didn't see
(29:47):
that coming in all. I'm gonna what you said. You
were going to set my success up? Mom? I did. Mom?
What do we do, Samantha? You know, don't know what.
Samantha relaxed. We're not going to be this poor forever. Anthem?
Please please please? Okay, Samantha, go go to the university. Okay,
(30:13):
talk to the opposite the registrars. If you can't get
into a class there, they know our names and our family.
We're gonna set you up. You're gonna be six Dirk.
I want you to wash your hands in the sink
and then just sit down at this table with me.
You're gonna wash my hands before I started finger paint.
I mean it's preferred. Yeah, you might have different to
bring on your fingers and then it gets all over
(30:33):
the paint. Can I get in order of that shrimps
and pearl before we get started? Uh? That's my lunch
for later today. Um, ouch, water is hot. We just
use one once the cold the other knobs of the
cold watch just turn it off here, let me help you. Okay,
just wash it with the soap. Thought hot for an
art tube. Thank you, thank you very much. Dry your
(30:57):
hands up really well because we don't want water in
the paint. Okay, kind on your shirt. It's fine, it's fine, alright.
So when you see this big white campus, is this
room being used? This is art class. It's finger painting. Wait, wait,
come here, excuse come back. You got a second he's
(31:18):
gone turk. We almost had a second class me. So,
what do you like that guy? What's wrong with him?
Just on site? I didn't like that guy. He looked
like he was also. Oh no, it's but it's a
French form of art called tang. Come in. She's left.
(31:40):
What was that? We left her too? She left? She left? Yes,
all right, Derek coaches here, excuse me, excuse me. In
the middle of I got pull up my star player.
We gotta run a uh not to rehearsalsal play. We
gotta rehearsal play. We gotta got rehearsal chose to his
(32:00):
head of the theater department. It's a liberal coractice, but
I like hear all right, thank you. He's my assistant coach.
You teach here, right, I'm the teacher of this. I
need you to give him an a plus, and we
got to get him out of here. I need to
he's a brilliant young right, he's a brilliant young player. Brick.
(32:20):
Let's go. Wait, wait, dirt, let me see your hands.
Why are they all read whatever? This guy made me
dip my hands in red? Well he was allowed to
choose any coaching football coach, Coach, coach, you can't start.
(32:41):
This boy's hands are worth more than your entire fucking class.
You understand that there's no harm we're going to come from.
I just want to interject at the t A. I
think his hands are red because they were under the
scalding water, not because of the red Saint golden water. Coach. Coach,
(33:01):
can you catch a football? Yes, coach, assistant coach throwing football?
I want to see this. Get me pulling on my knapsack. Okay,
this one a little small in regulation. Here we go, ready,
Why do you why do you have football smaller regulations?
There are my knapsack. How does that benefit us? So
I'm not gonna carry one all around. I just figured
like the idea of a football is more important the
actual football, is that, right, coach yest artistic point of
(33:23):
view as an art a. I love that. Okay? What
was that? Nothing? Okay, Derek, can you play? I can play, Coach,
catch catch the smaller balls. Throw me the ball. You're
choking me, coach. Here we are. We're at the nineteen
(33:48):
annual Rivalry Game. Kids really came to play that. The
kids came to play the game the gay to get gay?
Today going on? Can we cut that feed for a second?
Ship today? Set it? Cut the feed, cut the keep going. Well,
(34:10):
then here it is, here it is, Margaret. I want out.
I'm done. Okay, I'm sorry I had to be on
Rivalry week. But you know what a prank? Phil Hoo,
it's not a prank. It's not a prank, Clark. I
d players. Huddle up, huddle up, all right, you guys
doing good out there. Now. I'm a quarterback, right, I
(34:33):
need you. I'm an offensive line. Yeah, yeah, we're all.
You're all on the offense's offense for a quarterback, all right,
dark we need those hands, we need that speed, all right, man,
we need you to make a touchdown. I'll make a touchdown.
That's what I do. All right. Then let's run. Let's
do this. Let's do the play that we rehearsed. It's
gonna play that we rehearsed. Let's let the hamlet. Let's run, Hamlet, Hamlet,
(34:55):
Hamlet on three handlet on three check check check. Chick, chick,
chuck chuck. Not to run, run or not to run?
Letting another pickup of two yards from young Dirk mickaelm
(35:17):
I wish I could pick up two guys because I am.
I am out of the relationship that I've been in
for the last sixteen years. It was with a woman.
I wasn't That's not where I'm supposed to be in life.
And I'm hold on one second, taking this on air. Hello, honey, Margaret,
you're live. Don't don't don't do don't do what. Don't
take the microphone. I'm not taking you off the microphone.
(35:40):
I'm listening to. Okay, I mean the arm with the
kids and your mom. Okay, I don't know what is
going on. Say again, baby, I will call you back.
I said, baby out of reflex. I don't mean it,
all right. The last, poor York, I only got two
yards in that play. All Right, we gotta run the
(36:01):
other play that we've run the play. That's how I
auditioned on to the team. Okay, yeah, I remember that,
all right, So Dirk, I'm ready to play the music
of the night. Still all right, Phantom on three, fandom
on three one two three check check check check check. Alright,
(36:22):
jack jack jack check. He's going. He's going kick off
the ask Dirk, Dirk, Dirk, He's covering one eye. Got it,
(36:44):
got he got it, he got He dropped them, He
pucked them right back up. He picked that ball up
softly like he would and carry it into the end
zone for another scar for the Arizona b By. Oh god,
how much I would love to be there with those guys,
just hanging out, being one of the boys. But then
Dad Rock here in the boothe let's call the let's
do it another touchdown the quarterback again, uh, celebrating on
(37:05):
the sidelines with all the players like he likes to do.
Look at him dance. It's a complete formation that we've
not seen other than this particular. Something I like to do.
I like to get strip naked. I like to put
on some bring some chill hop music, lather my body
and shave completely down, making myself just as smooth criminal
as some kind of jokester. Phil Nickel, all right, we're
(37:28):
gonna pick up more of the first quarter action right
after this word from our sponsors. If we still haven't it,
what the what? What the hell? This is the time?
What do you when is the time today? Apparently live?
Come on, Clark, what do you want me to business?
I want to announce college football anymore? In Phil Clark,
we are getting numbers in right now and the astronavical
(37:51):
what are you talking about? They love it. We need
you come the audience they are getting called football audiences
going for the gay and coming out. They want more
kids love the reference to chill hop. Yeah great, I'm relevant. Holy,
I'm relevant. I just want you to know that I
support you. I'm the face on the side of the building.
(38:11):
Oh my god, whatever, whatever, they just write the check ship.
You just stopped by the booth and tell us we
had your supports, sir, You go girl. That's my suggestion
would be to uh call the next announced player with
(38:32):
some underscoring and some chill hop that's great, and also
maybe talk about having the full transformation operation, I can
do that. I want to do it. So I want
to become part robot. So I want to I want
to be like bionic. That's what's bionically gay, But that's
I'm just bionic gay is just what I am. And
we're back on. Okay, here we go. I'm picking out
(38:53):
the action here in the first quarter the Arizona be
abobs up by seven breakaway run by younger MacMan. And
I'm just charging right now because many people know I'm trying.
I'm transitioning into a robot, half robot, half human. And
uh it's hard to do because there's a lot of
organs that need to be replanted with mechanicals, is right.
(39:14):
And the end result of this, of course, Phil will
be these operations you're hoping to achieve. Sentence. Alright, guys,
all right, all right, all right, we have one last
play for the whole game. Like it's broken, man, keep
(39:35):
walking on it. Hey, the show must go on. Walking
off break break break, all right, what's what's playing gonna be?
All right? The old Fossett. Don't get too excited, don't
(39:56):
get too excited, don't get too can pass on my
jazz hands. Okay, and Phil Clark, we are losing them.
(40:18):
They do not like robots. They are afraid of losing jobs.
And in this climate, I can't believe that you would
bring this out there live Phil than that can be
who you are outside of this room, but in this
room you are not known bios. You're gonna discriminate against
bionic people. I am well and I'm not alone. The
(40:40):
robots are taking over this place and you want to
you want to bring that into this radio room. What
do you think we're using technology? My friend? These robots
don't have sentience. You clearly. What the hell is that robot?
How is their sound coming out of the mic? The
phone calls microphone? Is a girl unplugged? This son of
(41:05):
a pitch? They come on the I'm plugged into my
conscious enough. Man, this is strange and I'm faced on
the side of a building saying man, Mr mulaney, Yes,
how can I help? I feel like this radio room
is out of our control. We need to shut down
the travel. Maybe stop calling it a radio room. What
(41:27):
is it that Maybe that would be helpful. It's not
a radio room, just a producer. How could you possibly know?
I don't know microphone. What would you like to do
from this point? Mental room pumps paper? Simple? Oh, what
(41:47):
better way to transition into our third scene. This one
comes also from a listener, Man m e to multi
because that's the name, right. NASA's holding open interviews for
new astronauts to work the International Space Station. Folks show
(42:10):
up with no actual military or engineering background, thinking they're perfect.
We now take you to these NASA interviews for potential astronauts.
All right, Tommy, who do we get next? I think
I'll just show myself in. Oh, hello, sir, how do
you do? Good? Very well? Thank you, thank you for
joining us, Thank you for having me. What can you
(42:31):
tell us about yourself? Well? Number one, I hate bullshit.
I like getting things done. Look at the stars, every
goddamn n and uh I can skin a fox in
less than thirty seconds. Okay, we're looking for astronauts as
you hopefully no I okay, And so what do you
suppose your qualifications to be an astronaut? Joined the International
(42:51):
Space Station? Soon? Well? I can skin a fox seconds
right right right? Hold my breath for a minute minute less?
Minute minute less? Are a minute less? Got you? Well,
there's plenty of boxing gen on the International Space Station,
so we won't need that and no foxes, as it
turns out, unless I bring some one good point, right, Joe,
I feel like you're being a little on a second,
(43:11):
if you would, sir. What was your name again? Sir?
My name, let's start with that. My name is Bernard. Bernard. Okay, yes,
so I feel like you're being a little ummattic, judgment judgmental.
All right, we may we think outside of the box,
outside of the universe. Well, we've got a lot of
people to see today, and you're the boss, and the
fox Skinner seems a little ahead of things. I don't know.
(43:33):
He seems good to me. Okay, why don't you asking
a cup of questions? Thank you? Should I leave? Or
what the am? I? No? No, I think leave your
pertinent information? How can we contact you? Well, I left
this card here, I just seared and leather at their
spades as it is, So don't leave. Don't leave, Joe.
Let give us a moment, all right, I'll just stay
(43:54):
in the room. Yep. As you know, we have a
mission that leaves tonight. Yes, yes, I did so. Maybe
with this art hum on the list, maybe like the
maybe's the maybe pilot that turn yet it will be
in about nine seconds burner, I'll tell you what we
got your card. Please wait outside if you wouldn't mind,
we come out hen you know, Oh my god, I
got that r V out there. I'm gonna be sleeping
(44:14):
the south. That's where I will find you, got it? O.
Welcome miss ma'am? Thank you? What is your name? The
lot of name? And uh? And what do you what
would you like to tell us about yourself? Has been
that night with star Cosmas? And yeah, where we come from, ma'am?
(44:36):
We all made of stars and whatnot? And have you here?
He say? And so when I heard about up, because
I have an eat to the ground for authored the position,
but opening up, I thought, well, who better you know?
Then other day take a lot to the stuff, and
I went up to before. And the other plan is
(45:00):
also good I've been hearing about. That would be also
great to think. Probably that plute that would probably be
also great for me to see personally. Yeah, I love
that dog. I'm assuming that the planet than I can
about them. Thanks so much, just give us one second.
I think I like her. I like her. She's so
great again, if we could just write her name down
(45:23):
immediately sounds good. That lick you sounded. I do have
to have some health issues. Let's share those were mostly
they are also mental health. Yes, that's that's a plue. Um.
(45:45):
One of the best qualities and also one of my
worst qualities. A lot of anxiety, lots of few or
small places, um, a few different sources of personalities that
will pop up very not good with monkeys. Not good
with monkeys. Not a problem there. Which of the multiple
personalities do you think would be suited for the mission?
(46:09):
All go ghettos um bot some. I mean, so if
I'm working with others, one personality would be bad. Yeah,
I agree. Again, I mean she's great. I'm into it. Okay,
thank you again. You're on the list and we'll be
in contact. I love the helmet. That looks like a
fist ball. I would love on my PIXA. There's an
(46:32):
r V outside. That's not my name, Delilah Day. Okay,
why don't you m maybe hang out with a guy
in the RV out there? It's no vehicle, no problem.
Looking hurts is something that's that's a yes, and maybe
I wanted to say that you're doing you're taking as well.
I know you were scheduled to be on at the time,
so you know what I mean. We're supposed you were
(46:54):
supposed to be on this mission. Is this the right
room for the nurse? I don't think yes. Excuse me,
I'm a little bit late for my appointment. But never
what is your name? My name is Keith. I'm sorry,
Keith Keith, And uh, I'm gonna guess about fourteen. How
you nailed it fourteen? After a while, I I just
I finished space camp last summer in Florida, and they
(47:18):
thought I was really good and I feel ready. And
what parts of your performance that did they think was
particularly good? Well, I didn't throw up when they put
me in the spinning bob, and I generally am socially
accepted it by my peers. When was the last time
you threw I got the flu last well, I don't
know if it was flu or food poisoning, but it
was around Thanksgiving. You're like, what is it? Flus? Don't
(47:41):
know O for one, we can get the other. It
was a projectile. It was projectile. It was projectile, and
it was after a family dinner. So we've all decided
it must have been the flu. And after the throwing up.
Was our dry heaves following that? Or did it just
come on? I was hydrated. We needed to read read
up the fluids at the hospital. So yet dry heaves
for sure, Keith, I'm gonna running this through a couple
(48:02):
of us situations, very very easy. All right, close your
eyes place, okay, and spin in place. Okay, thank you, terrific.
Come back towards our voice if you can. I open
my eyes, keep your eyes okay, alright, Okay. Now I'm
gonna ask you feel that I feel that. Don't touch me. Well,
it's part of that. That's part of the thing. Okay,
I'm gonna throw a couple of items. Okay, please don't
(48:23):
so this is okay, open my eyes and that clean
not yet, keep your sorry, it was startling and it's
very light. It's a very light object. Okay, all right,
And you feel that I didn't feel that. It's the
golf club that's worries hit me. Oh my god, I
(48:44):
should have been in pain. And now recite Edgar Allan
pose the raven A raven knacks upon my door. Oh
it is so much more? Can you get It's just am.
I think he's great. I like him, but I like him.
I like him for this. Yeah, yeah, okay, let's have
a kid up there, right, Yeah, what exactly? You should
(49:04):
have been my eyes? Thank you for that. Yes, and
there's an r V that's rights an RV outside. Oh,
if you wouldn't mind waiting in there? Okay, sure, great,
thanks so much. Yes, the next place. Hello, you're looking
for Cosmo notes? Yeah, I mean yeah, sure, all right.
Can you tell us about yourself? My name is Dmitri,
that's correct. I'm looking to hear your paperwork says you've
(49:27):
actually spent multiple years in space. Yes, I have been
in space before for Soviet Union. What is your interest
in going back? I left something there? I see like
a wallet. I lift my wallet in space. Yes, it's
been it's been tough, particularly in in Soviet Russia. Right,
we know, with no identification, you know, and I tried
(49:49):
to tell people I was Cosma not have been in space.
You know, it should open doors, it should open doors,
but it does not. And in space doors just slide open.
You know that sound yeah? But on Earth you know
you got slammed. They got slammed, right, and so how
did you in fact it from Russia to the States.
If I may ask without the papers. Okay, that's a
(50:11):
good question, and I hate shike. Sure, yes, that's one way.
That is one way. Check from an ocean liner. He
checked on ocean liners. Yes, you know the shipping co thanners. Yes,
let's say Maerskue. Yeah, what is that? I don't know.
I don't know, but that's what it is, Dave. I
(50:31):
think you do know what that is. But go ahead.
What was your name, sir? I'm sorry? Dmitri, Dmitri sorry
and Dmitri? Uh what Dmitri Andreevitch Klosko. I'm just write that. Okay,
here's more case than you. I was surprised by the
number of case, what talents, what particular I'm very inscrutable,
(50:52):
but you're very inscrutable. Okay, Like, can you tell if
I'm lying right now? Dave, I'm hard to read, no idea.
Why would you be lying? Why would that be lying?
Good question? Why would that? Good questions? Can't tell? Would
you mind holding these two cans, one in each, and
please you'll see there's a wire? Okay, these colorful birds
(51:13):
the cans, Oh, these two cans. Okay, I thought you
were referring to those colorful birds. But there must be
some of the species that are going to the stay.
I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions. I'm just
gonna pick up some readings here. Okay, this is okay,
this is a stress test. Stress stress test. Okay, okay, great,
(51:33):
just keep your hands on the cans. Great. Um, it's
co red. You're spinning out of control? Three four ten
g's m. Yeah. Um, how are you feeling because I
can't find the wallet? Or oh I just made borshed
from my hands. Wow? Interesting? Interesting for I am Superman
(52:00):
of Skies. You are good? Yes, represent the Legion of Lame?
What do you name in progress? What? What's your mission here?
You kept critique here? Now we do evil you suck?
You suck? Sorry for them. If it's too late for
(52:30):
the mission, that's what time it is. It's an hour
later than you expected. No, we're supposed to launch an
hour ago. But it's getting dark already, isn't it till
you're here to help us? No, Legion of Flame? Oh
what is that beautiful as music? What's your what's your
playing the blues out of their as? What do you
(52:51):
want from us? What you could get into the space station?
We're taking this ship we're taking a baby. We're going
all the way to the door to the space ship.
Get out of there. We're going in. Can do anything
about it. You're supposed to be helping people on her.
Drop your keys, bush, don't don't do it in front
of us. Don't put porch in front of us. We're
gonna slip on that. They're in the spacecraft. Let's launch him.
(53:12):
Let's do it all right, Okay, team is ten. What
does take off? I think it's just take off? Everyone
buckled in? How are you well? You have left off?
(53:33):
I think my blood is boiling. Okay, we're in the back.
We were in the back of it. Yeah, baby, Um
damn it. If that clock just doesn't freak me out
every time? How am I gonna end this? How are
we gonna end this? Wrap it up? Great job everyone,
(53:53):
I'll commis. Thank you so much. Want to thank Raphie
Alberto Putting, Doug Bam Lada, Thank you Sophie Lichtman. We
did scenes based on your listener mails are right to us.
Please at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Your name here at alchemy this dot com. Thanks to
(54:15):
I Heart Radio and all the fine folks here at
the festivities. Don't forget to tell everyone that you've ever
met in your entire life to listen, subscribe, and write
a damn review, won't you. However, you listen and uh
download your podcast, please subscribe and write the damn review.
Let's go around and thank you everybody. Chris Alvarado, you're welcome.
(54:41):
Nicely done. Uh, you're welcome as well, a very nice
so okay, and Jimmy jack Haney, thank you, Thank you all.
Wait wait, your welcome also accepted. This is a slick outro.
(55:06):
I was thinking worst ever, but all right, I thought
a new year I would try something different. So you
have to just drive us into a brick wall. I'm
gonna try it a little differently next time. And until
that next time, thank you all for listening. And now
alchemy this
Welcome back to alchemy. This I'm your host, Kevin Pollock.
Yes that Kevin Pollock? What's that? No? Thank you? Well
just take the check place, dear pals emposses. Over the years,
I've seen my fair share of alchemy. By definition, alchemy
is quote when a person or a person and he
just creates something through a seemingly mental process. For lace,
i've seen my fair share. Was that an example? Okay,
(00:22):
if you're gonna be a needy, naysaying narc, let's see. Uh.
When I completely let myself go from Halloween through Thanksgiving,
right up to the end of the holidays. The plan
was to buckle down and drop those newly added ten
pounds in the month of January. But when a stomach
flu hit me New Year's Day, I got to beinge
watch all kinds of TV series and movies, pe out
(00:44):
my ass for three days and lose seven pounds. Now
that was a seemingly magical process, But I digress. While
letting in bedhom under your value will ever eat actual
food again? The idea struck me. What if I brought
together the right creative people and ask them to make
sure up based on my own twisted ideas? And then
offered a podcast of this seemingly magical process, and I
(01:04):
could call it alchemy. When you're done flost in your teeth,
can you fetch some cranberries? Well, good people at the club.
After your good title tinkering, I'm a very proud to
present you to another episode of help Me. Let's meet
our accna, shall we, in no particular orders, say hello
to Craig. Craig, what was the high point of your
(01:25):
holiday season? The fact that I wasn't peeing up my
ant Yes, it was great. Correct, continue small juice for
four hundred park your car, park your cards? Vanessa Raglan VR.
What fun did you have for the holiday? All of it? Sorry? Everyone?
And he left? Who left? The dogs? And it's Joey Greer,
(01:50):
Greg Hunter. What did you get up to for your
holiday time? A lot of relaxation. Yeah, yeah, paint my wagon.
It's Chris Alvarado. How was your Chris most season? Um
sliding across the highway icy conditions in New Mexico. A
(02:12):
spin and mostly enjoyable, mostly enjoyable. Yeah, last would shave
your bag if you think him. Lisa's James, Heeny James,
why do you hate Santa? Well? Truth is it's he's
immortal enemy. Well, I guess it's an immortal enemy of mine.
He screwed me over when I was a child, and
then I ever since I never forgave him. God bless you.
(02:37):
Um Our scene scenarios today come from you, the listener.
That's right right to us at your name here at
Alchemy this dot com. And we may be able to
infect you is one of your scene suggestions. All three
today come from your listener, mail. Let's start from Stewart
and then how would you pronounce that name? Do you thing?
(02:58):
Luccio l u c I O W it's w lose
a little bit of the Italian flair, but lukoff Steward
lukoff right. A gathering of superheroes with mediocre powers, such
(03:19):
as the ability to snap their fingers and shut the
lights off, or the ability to jump slightly higher the
normal or teleport four and three quarters feet. We now
take you to a Katherine of superheroes with mediocre superpower. Yes,
I mean all every all the cookies here are all
just fresh, so freshly made a Pacific. But are they
(03:39):
gluten free? They're gluten free. They're gluten free, guys, so
please just get a cup of coffee. Just get their
hands are damp? Are your hand? Snamp? No? I made
your stamp. I can do hands now. Oh wow, that's
that's great. So you can make anything. Damn No, I
can do pits in hands? So do we need do
(04:01):
you need a new name? Are you no longer pits girl?
I can keep it. It's catchy pits and bars. Okay,
can we stop this? We we scheduled this meeting for
a reason, right, Yeah, you want to read the minutes
from last week. We'll just jumped a new business m
I mean, I'll recap a little bit um. Last week,
(04:22):
we all decided that we would spend more a lot
more hours in the streets after dark. After dark. It's
scary after dark. That's daylight standings. Boy, did you make
the adjustment? I came out and it was still it
was dark out really early, so in all fairness, it
was after dark, but it was six o'clock at night. Okay, Well,
(04:43):
I think you know what I mean. I know what
you mean, but it is I'm not even supposed to
be out of my house after nine pm. I don't
want to fight with you. You know, this is my superpower.
I follow rules. That's right, I can follow the rules.
Everybody so so so um so so I think um rules? Man?
(05:05):
What do you watch your point here? Did you need
to throw up? No? Okay, I'm back to it. Well
with anyone, like a cup or a bowl of split
peace from Superman? No I am super man, no time.
What do you want? A French onion cold? Vic swas?
(05:26):
It's not good soup? Where I never said it was
good soup? Where does that can come from? Where does
it come from? It comes from within everybody, everybody, everybody.
We are not stopping any crime, right, Yeah, you're again
(05:47):
just to recap your ability needs to set clocks back
twice a year. I can change rooms full of clocks
one hour, one direction or the other. And it's useless
in Arizona. Well it's useless when you say it's useless.
But who can't do that though it's a room full
of clocks. I mean, hey, we don't give notes in
this room. Okay, okay, that's just kind of what I do.
That's just kind of what I do. I give notes,
(06:10):
Captain critique. I'm saying you could you could use that
to help others, and you can use that ability of like,
you know, taking and rules and all that stuff to
kind of help other You know, well, I'm doing that
to help us here. It doesn't how I help because
you're so annoying. What is the word? It's just whatever,
Captain critique, A little feedback on this, uh this cream
(06:34):
of tomato? What's it missing? Uh? Flavor? Passion love? I mean, honestly,
it's it's creamy. But are your fingers wet? Yes? Kind
of yes. It's it's time to go around the table.
New business, new business. I need to hear. I need
a statement from each of you. Needed to tell me
(06:55):
how you will be using your superpowers in the new
year to help others, to help others. Thank you. I
like that. Okay, we'll start with you. I'm going to
be volunteering at a homeless shelter. Please state your name,
your your superhero name Superman with an oh uh uh
and you well, yes, but to distinguish me from from
(07:17):
from the regular super from the regular Superman Superman? Are
you only know just getting that? God? Oh, it's the
same sound. It was the hyphen that drew me. Yes,
there's also a hyphen between the between the P and
the yes. You don't look like him at all. No,
I don't know. I'm totally different. Bill. You got a superbody,
(07:39):
You got a super body? Yeah, you like someone who's
just been eating a lot of soup. And make a
quick suggestion. I think it might be helpful out there
in the marketplace, if not the world, as a way
to a marketing and get the word out a little
better as to what each of us are able to
help others with. If people knew more about our origin story,
that's seems to help people understand and appreciate what it
(08:02):
is we're going through as individual superheroes. So again, if
we can go back to Superman, if you wouldn't mind
how you found out that you had this, I fell
into a vat of radioactive capaco, and to this day,
all of my soups are room temperature. That is why
I haven't been able to burn any bad guys with
(08:24):
my scalding soup. We were able to scent them, you know,
we can smell them, you know. And I can't manufacture spices,
merely soups. And so how then, even with your limitations,
do you think limitations? I have a super alright, alright, alright,
a super power. How do you think you can use
(08:46):
this to help others. Like I said, don't be volunteering
at a at a soup line right at home the shelter.
But it'll be bad. Yeah, you're gonna it will be
bad soup. But I mean, come on, what's the standard
good point? It feels that feels problem? Um? Captain critique?
You want to captain critique? Yeah, I got some notes
on that is what here. I mean. Everyone's got an opinion.
(09:08):
Yours seems to be a super power of an opinion. Yeah,
well it's right. Uh, the opinion is always right always.
They're subjective, but they're right. So I was a boat captain,
right for a long time. I was on the Mississippi.
So you're literally are a captain. I'm a captain Okay, yes, surprising?
Is that surprising? Well the cap gave it off. But yeah, okay,
what do you think I drive around a boat in
(09:29):
the city. Huh? Do you think I am mad at you?
Because it's like why why you guys don't know me?
But yeah, I mean what we wanted to get to
know you more. Okay, but no one knew I was
a boat captain. Yeah I thought I first, I thought
you would have created something fake so that nobody could
track down your real identity. Did you use your real name?
Is your real name? Yes, I'm gen Critique. Yes, the
(09:51):
Critique is your actual last name. Your name is literally
Captain Critique. Yeah, You're superpower is giving notes. I don't
understand this. There's no one using the real name. What
because you have to protect your loved one. Come out
if they know. I just googled you. You have a
whole family. Yeah, I got a wife. I got a
whole bunch of kids, grandkids. Congratulation, thank you from thirty two. Okay, okay, So, um,
(10:17):
your wife is Jeannette? Yes, okay, yeah, oh I know Jeanette.
Wikipedia had it correct. Um. So back to your origin
and how you plan on using yourshire powers to help others. Well,
my origin story. I was a boat captain along the
Mississippi ground and I would uh As a boat captain,
I would go out and I'd sell boat supplies on
my boat. So boats are coming by or something. I
(10:40):
don't think you were a captain. That's not why captains do.
I was captain of the of my boat. You would
pull up alongside other boats to see if they needed
any supplies. Yes, why is this confusing? What are some
common boats supplies? Whoops? A tar tar? Yes, loose chickens?
Anything is a boat? A good point? You even one
(11:03):
that should know? I do know, why don't? I just
don't understand the third degree at us? I am met
at y'all because no, like you don't know me. It
feels like you can give notes to us, but you
can't handle note. You know what I'm gonna you know what,
I'm gonna take a break. I'm gonna go in my
boat and hang off and hold on. I'm gonna go
(11:24):
out and tell us how how you're gonna help others. Yeah,
I'm gonna I'm gonna help others right now by leaving
the room. Okay, thank you, Okay, she appreciate it. Puse Well,
everyone knows my story. I hope I keep passing out
the pamphlet I made raised by my mamma because my
parents didn't want me. Uh. Never got details on that. Uh, Mamma.
(11:51):
I was a normal kid, really charismatic, I think. And
then mamma sat on me for a punishment, and ever
since she got up, she said, why am I so sweaty?
And that's when we put it together and then she
died because that's my tragedy. And then I just kept
(12:11):
asking do you feel sweaty? And around me people would,
and or that turned into my independent study in high school.
Everybody said, well I do. My my hands do feel sweat,
and my pits do feels and and then it just
it was It's all been uphill from there. So I'm
going to help everybody. I guess it would be less
(12:31):
of a superpower and more just psychosomatic suggestion. I don't
think so. No, I wouldn't know. This is why she died.
I have a tragedy, and I have it. Are you
hands wet? My hands are wet. But you know, causation
does not imply correlation. I mean the table in front
of me sweat. I just keep scraping my palms against them,
(12:53):
and maybe I can do tables too wet from my hands. Oh,
I'm very good. I'm noticing these soups i'm manufacturing and
much more watered down. Well, everyone's welcome. I'm going to
do more like that. I'm also well that he the
soups are more wet supposed to be with. I've been
(13:13):
hanging out at the Dollar Tree and other places where
they have to count a lot of money, and the
cashiers appreciate me because a little bit of moisture on
the hand makes the counting more. So I'd say I'm
increasing people's revenue and productivity up to four percent a day. Wow,
that's something that's pretty great. That's very positive. Thank you
(13:35):
so much. It's my my pleasure to be blessed. And Savings, well,
I've been Daylight Savings guy for a long time. And
when I first got it, it it was just a random mistake.
I had mixed just cooking with a recipe that required butter,
and I ran out and I had to finish it
with I can't believe it's not butter. And upon mixing
(13:55):
it and then eating it, I thought, at first I
had the ability to change time. Why do you think, Well,
because I could change it just by being like, oh,
i'm running late at the hour of the clock would
go an hour earlier and I'd show up and it
would seem like on time to everything. But it was
just the clocks in the room that I was at,
So if I couldn't be within radius, and it got
(14:16):
me to a lot of trouble. And that's why I
only use my superpowers for good on daylight savings time.
I don't get it. Why, Well, to be fair, I
don't get most of these. I don't get most of these.
How are you hoping to help help others? Well, I
honestly have given up on helping people. And I'm looking
(14:40):
in this room. I think that we could probably gather
our powers for evil because we're not Is that Is
this a room of confidentiality? Can we just be honest?
I think it's a safe from me. That kind of
um goes against my origins like a good set. I'm
(15:00):
just saying, Um, a couple of you who hang out
with a little more often Superman know thatman. Yeah, I
mean we want to get together sometimes over soup, over
soup under souper. He always says that my father um
is Satan, and um he taught me to be the
(15:23):
worst I could be, And I thought the worst thing
I could do would be to rebel against him by
following all the rules. Yeah, I mean, it's not very interesting.
It's just my life. It's certainly not funny. I think
Satan as a father's fairly Interesting't been to therapy, yes, yeah, yeah,
(15:46):
And I honestly I feel like it was in therapy
where I really learned to harness the superpower. That's where.
That's where. Yeah, yeah, boom, following rules, boom, following rules.
I'm talking. I drive the speed limit, I leave tags
on mattresses. I mean, I do it all to to
a degree, and I think I'm changing the world. So
(16:07):
what I'm saying is it's good, thanks for giving me
all your attention to everybody. What I'm saying is, okay, okay,
look here here this photo. Look at this photo of
me on the boat harmonica. Man, Well, okay, I didn't
realize I was musical in any way. To be honest
with you, it was probably ten years old when I
(16:27):
sat at my first harmonic. Yeah, you sat on your
first harmonica. What do you say, my first? You sat
on your first Yeah? You did this multiple times over time.
I have because I got to reload. Uh. But I
didn't realize that once you sit on a harmonica and
get over the initial lack of comfort, uh, you can
(16:48):
make some pretty sweet music. And so in your butt
you vertically. I felt like that's what he was. Always
thought it was just ambient noise harmonic. I just asked,
that's where it's coming from. It always felt like a speaker.
It's up your But I think, well, let's be careful there,
(17:10):
because we want to we want to keep one loaded
it all the time. But what happens is usually people
are uncomfortable when they pass when me not so much,
because there's a nice little music in the year. So
every time we hear that, that's your party, and that's
a potential of us getting pink I sure, okay, I
want to say, I don't think that's how pink I work,
that's for sure. Absolutely, you'd have to be dialing in telescope.
(17:34):
I think to get to yourself. Is this true? You
can catch think I from far. I'm making soup, making soup,
watery chili attached to your hands or stick of in
the thermos. It's man, all on the cookies. You've made
that soup, All on the cookies. Great. After a critique
(17:58):
that was we know, no, course, you know, we all know.
It doesn't matter. I'm sorry you, but harmonica, no, no,
it's fine. I just make sweet, sweet music. And so
you were naked when you sat on the harmonica when
you were ten? Oh, I absolutely was, yes, And it's
the easiest way to load down. That seems like it
was intense with the whole definitely ten years old. That's
nothing wrong with that bow. I just got a text.
(18:19):
I just got a text call. The mayor says he
needs our help. Are we gonna go with evil? Or
do we help the mayorge? We were going to go
with evil? Request is Superman. Let's find out what the
request is since he needs um help moving this this evening.
How close are you with the may I can't help
(18:40):
moving because people drop box? Will there be pizza? Helcme?
Batman gets a bad signal and we just get a text.
Why don't we all get to I think that says
a lot. That says a lot and very little. Yeah, yeah,
I don't know that that answer. But are we? Are
we all for one and one for all for all
of us? I think that was a personal test. Don't
don't rope us in the you're outrench, not that like
(19:03):
you're asking. Yeah, yeah, well it says here, I'll read
it to you. It's Tom Sawyer. What does it say?
It says, uh, hey, dude, that's so personal. No, that's
not all of us, it's the dude is one person?
Hey dude? Um, crazy game of Halo last night, ha
ha by the way, are you still are you still
(19:24):
up for helping me move this? So you agree to this?
So I think it's already been to Scott. I think
we don't say say, don't say we man putting my
hand in, you putting my hand? Yeah, we all put
her hand in that chili soup. You guys are dripping.
We got a table this particular first meeting. Uh and
(19:47):
for next meeting if anyone has any suggestions that we
could table till next time. A lot now would be
just one from captain critique Okay, my first critique would
be that with let's get a let's get a room
with ventilation because here and uh, Superman, I'd like to
I'd like to alter our name to the Legion of Lame.
That's not hard. I think it's alliterative l L L
(20:10):
and and hip with the kids. I'm gonna double down
on the fact that we may be average heroes, we
could really be fantastic villains together, fantastic villains. I'd like
to put that on the list of fantastic villains. I'd
love if anyone could help me compile a list of
places that would be fun to get slippery. Yes, okay, parks.
(20:33):
I guess for me, I'd say, let's just keep showing
up one time. Oh nice? Yeah, appointed just looking right
at me. Are we getting at our jobs? Yes, I'm
gonna define good. Are we actually helping people? The meetings adjourned? Man,
see you guys, but by our next listener. Male suggestion
(21:02):
for a scene comes from Whitney Larson. Whitney, who writes,
I am the registrar of a small liberal arts college.
Each day I have interactions with students, faculty, and various
policy committees that make me question my life Choicely, save yourselves.
I'm dead already, but while I languish, could you try
(21:24):
to alchemy something about life in the registrar's office? Please
help me out. I have dreams nightmares about fireproof filing cabinets.
I desperately needed giggle. It would be irresponsible not to
point out that life here is so tedious it could
be a total disaster, maybe even or first flop. Besides
(21:46):
losers like me Atney who cares about class schedules, graduation requirements,
faculty meetings, and academic records, love you with thank you,
Whitney Larson. We now take you to the registrar of
(22:06):
a small liberal arts college for the interactions among these students, faculty,
and various policy committees. What are you saying there's no
one signed up for finger painting this semester's This is
not an unusual thing, Jason. What am I supposed to do?
I don't know, but I keep you around here as
(22:26):
a favor. It's tenure. It is tenure and finger painting
in college. What are we looking at here? Yeah? What
are we looking at here? Give us something to give
the students. This is the oldest form of art. Cave
paintings were done with fingers, and that worked like to
three years ago. But nobody cares anymore. This is a
digital era. Yeah, I mean people use their fingers on
(22:47):
their phones all the time. It's just I need you
to use your fingers to put those files in alphabetical order. Again,
it's just a waste of my skills. I'm a professor,
I'm the manager of this office. Excuse me to leave
through the registraar. Yeah, welcome, Hi. How can we help you? Um?
They told me to come here and register. Okay, your
name please? Um? Okay, I just gotta look it up. Okay, Dirk, Dirk,
(23:16):
you know who you are they told me to go
to the registrar? Right? Just looking at a register? Ok? Dirk,
have you heard of finger painting? Have you thought about
who told you to come to the I'll know all right,
I'm on the football team. Okay, okay, derk Well, um,
(23:39):
this really needs some easy classes. Okay, let me pull
up your file. Here's only one Dirk running back. Yeah
so a lot of head collisions, a lot of head
collisions if I'm doing it wrong? Yeah? Well, actually I
might have a class for you. Are you just stand down?
(24:02):
Is it easy? And it takes some easy classes? It's challenging.
How are your fingers? Um? Can you grab a football? Yeah?
I can't a group of football I'm running back right right? Yeah?
So you want to would you like to join thinker
painting class? We have plenty of space left. It's it's
(24:27):
Monday mornings at nine am and we're in the art building.
That's better. Well okay, uh sure we can want to
get up in nine Can we just double check really
quick that that that my room is available at that time?
I say we just go with it. Okay, let's do it.
Sure you're gonna be one hell of a finger paint
(24:49):
or Dirk. Okay, cool, um, I took rocks for jocks
already there any other easy classes? So you've already taken
rocks for jocks. Took rocks for jocks. Have you considered
taking rocks for jocks too? That sounds much harder in
your clients. I don't. We're not accepting any actions right now.
(25:09):
I'm so sorry. That's a scriminate the nation, is it?
What is your class point? What do you think it is? Um,
like philosophy or some show intuition? Intuition is a class. Yeah,
and you already felt the first test. All right, So
(25:29):
does that mean he's in the class. It's fine, can
be in the class. Okay, that's two classes. You're kind
of hot for a professor. Okay, shut up, You shut up,
and I'll take your hands off of his bcense. Well,
I was just trying to see what he's made up, Steve.
Oh gosh, here comes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is this
(25:50):
the office of a registrar? Okay, my son and my daughter,
Mrs my son and my dat you are. We know
who your children. I know you know who I am.
My father's name is on the business school building. We
know who you are. I know you know who I am.
What can we help you with? You can help me
(26:11):
with trying to understand what this schedule is in front
of me. My son and my daughter go here, and
I don't understand what their schedule is. Well, they have names, Yes,
they do have names, thank you very much. I don't
think you get to hear them, Thank you very much.
They would just be helpful. You do no idea with
As a matter of fact, I thought that we settled
all these issues once we allowed you to audit every
(26:31):
class you wanted to for free. I think I'm allowed
to You never came to the finger painting class. Who
is this? Why is he speaking to me? Why does
he smell like that's a fair question. What do you smell?
It smells like stale air. What is tempera? Tem what's
the fride? And what's the paint? Tempera is the fride? Okay,
(26:57):
so let's just say tempers the paint? This I finished?
Can we talk what my son and my daughtor go here? Yes,
you're kind of hot for an angry old lady. Thank you.
Please take your arm hand off with his b st.
You do not get to tell me what to do.
My father's name is on the side of the business school. Yeah, okay,
got it, got even saying what I was saying, you
(27:19):
were trying to do. Say it again. My father's name
is on the side. Everybody, let's all say it together.
And it's lunchtime for me. It's not for me. I
don't eat all day. Now listen to my mind five minutes. Okay, great,
are you still on duty? Sure? What do you need?
(27:40):
I need? My son and my daughter's schedule don't have
their names, so I think you should know who they are. Yes,
there's Dirk, great Penelope. I teach in tuition, but it's
ironically something they can't be taught. She teaches tuition. That's great, tuition,
that's what she just that she teaches tuition. Okay, maybe
(28:02):
let's talking more listening. It's intuition. Oh yeah, whose father's
faces on the side of it's not his faces. My
father's name is on the side of the business school.
Let's also together building my fathers. But I know that
building you're talking about with the big face. Who is that?
(28:24):
That's my grandfather? Come on, yes, that's true. You know
we need money for a new stadium. Yeah, how about that? Mom?
Did you figure it out. Yes, I figured it out
so I don't have to go to school. No, you don't.
They're going to give you the grades. Did I get
to go to work? Then you get to go to work?
Did I do? Yes? You do. Give me a million dollars, baby,
(28:44):
not million you gave me to Samantha. I did. I
earned it. She did her chores. I'll do my chores,
then do it. But I want my name on the
side of a building, then work for it. I love
the side of you. Um, what are you doing? You pouting,
you're holding your breath, you pooping, You're doing all those
(29:06):
things at once. You punch in the air really fast. Okay, fine,
you think that's gonna you think that's gonna scare me.
It's not gonna scare me. Grandpa's faces on the side
of a build, Yes, he is his faces and your
dad's name is on the side of a business school.
We get it, Samantha, get it. You says there's gonna
be something, you just's gonna be great. I'm already something,
(29:27):
already great. Fine, I'm gonna be a superhero. Here's what
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you both one million dollars.
You're the next twenty four hours to spend all that money.
You ever seen that movie? Okay, great, you spend it on.
I bought bitcoin. Oh oh, I just made seven million.
Oh seriously, Samantha, I didn't see that. I didn't see
(29:47):
that coming in all. I'm gonna what you said. You
were going to set my success up? Mom? I did. Mom?
What do we do, Samantha? You know, don't know what.
Samantha relaxed. We're not going to be this poor forever. Anthem?
Please please please? Okay, Samantha, go go to the university. Okay,
(30:13):
talk to the opposite the registrars. If you can't get
into a class there, they know our names and our family.
We're gonna set you up. You're gonna be six Dirk.
I want you to wash your hands in the sink
and then just sit down at this table with me.
You're gonna wash my hands before I started finger paint.
I mean it's preferred. Yeah, you might have different to
bring on your fingers and then it gets all over
(30:33):
the paint. Can I get in order of that shrimps
and pearl before we get started? Uh? That's my lunch
for later today. Um, ouch, water is hot. We just
use one once the cold the other knobs of the
cold watch just turn it off here, let me help you. Okay,
just wash it with the soap. Thought hot for an
art tube. Thank you, thank you very much. Dry your
(30:57):
hands up really well because we don't want water in
the paint. Okay, kind on your shirt. It's fine, it's fine, alright.
So when you see this big white campus, is this
room being used? This is art class. It's finger painting. Wait, wait,
come here, excuse come back. You got a second he's
(31:18):
gone turk. We almost had a second class me. So,
what do you like that guy? What's wrong with him?
Just on site? I didn't like that guy. He looked
like he was also. Oh no, it's but it's a
French form of art called tang. Come in. She's left.
(31:40):
What was that? We left her too? She left? She left? Yes,
all right, Derek coaches here, excuse me, excuse me. In
the middle of I got pull up my star player.
We gotta run a uh not to rehearsalsal play. We
gotta rehearsal play. We gotta got rehearsal chose to his
(32:00):
head of the theater department. It's a liberal coractice, but
I like hear all right, thank you. He's my assistant coach.
You teach here, right, I'm the teacher of this. I
need you to give him an a plus, and we
got to get him out of here. I need to
he's a brilliant young right, he's a brilliant young player. Brick.
(32:20):
Let's go. Wait, wait, dirt, let me see your hands.
Why are they all read whatever? This guy made me
dip my hands in red? Well he was allowed to
choose any coaching football coach, Coach, coach, you can't start.
(32:41):
This boy's hands are worth more than your entire fucking class.
You understand that there's no harm we're going to come from.
I just want to interject at the t A. I
think his hands are red because they were under the
scalding water, not because of the red Saint golden water. Coach. Coach,
(33:01):
can you catch a football? Yes, coach, assistant coach throwing football?
I want to see this. Get me pulling on my knapsack. Okay,
this one a little small in regulation. Here we go, ready,
Why do you why do you have football smaller regulations?
There are my knapsack. How does that benefit us? So
I'm not gonna carry one all around. I just figured
like the idea of a football is more important the
actual football, is that, right, coach yest artistic point of
(33:23):
view as an art a. I love that. Okay? What
was that? Nothing? Okay, Derek, can you play? I can play, Coach,
catch catch the smaller balls. Throw me the ball. You're
choking me, coach. Here we are. We're at the nineteen
(33:48):
annual Rivalry Game. Kids really came to play that. The
kids came to play the game the gay to get gay?
Today going on? Can we cut that feed for a second?
Ship today? Set it? Cut the feed, cut the keep going. Well,
(34:10):
then here it is, here it is, Margaret. I want out.
I'm done. Okay, I'm sorry I had to be on
Rivalry week. But you know what a prank? Phil Hoo,
it's not a prank. It's not a prank, Clark. I
d players. Huddle up, huddle up, all right, you guys
doing good out there. Now. I'm a quarterback, right, I
(34:33):
need you. I'm an offensive line. Yeah, yeah, we're all.
You're all on the offense's offense for a quarterback, all right,
dark we need those hands, we need that speed, all right, man,
we need you to make a touchdown. I'll make a touchdown.
That's what I do. All right. Then let's run. Let's
do this. Let's do the play that we rehearsed. It's
gonna play that we rehearsed. Let's let the hamlet. Let's run, Hamlet, Hamlet,
(34:55):
Hamlet on three handlet on three check check check. Chick, chick,
chuck chuck. Not to run, run or not to run?
Letting another pickup of two yards from young Dirk mickaelm
(35:17):
I wish I could pick up two guys because I am.
I am out of the relationship that I've been in
for the last sixteen years. It was with a woman.
I wasn't That's not where I'm supposed to be in life.
And I'm hold on one second, taking this on air. Hello, honey, Margaret,
you're live. Don't don't don't do don't do what. Don't
take the microphone. I'm not taking you off the microphone.
(35:40):
I'm listening to. Okay, I mean the arm with the
kids and your mom. Okay, I don't know what is
going on. Say again, baby, I will call you back.
I said, baby out of reflex. I don't mean it,
all right. The last, poor York, I only got two
yards in that play. All Right, we gotta run the
(36:01):
other play that we've run the play. That's how I
auditioned on to the team. Okay, yeah, I remember that,
all right, So Dirk, I'm ready to play the music
of the night. Still all right, Phantom on three, fandom
on three one two three check check check check check. Alright,
(36:22):
jack jack jack check. He's going. He's going kick off
the ask Dirk, Dirk, Dirk, He's covering one eye. Got it,
(36:44):
got he got it, he got He dropped them, He
pucked them right back up. He picked that ball up
softly like he would and carry it into the end
zone for another scar for the Arizona b By. Oh god,
how much I would love to be there with those guys,
just hanging out, being one of the boys. But then
Dad Rock here in the boothe let's call the let's
do it another touchdown the quarterback again, uh, celebrating on
(37:05):
the sidelines with all the players like he likes to do.
Look at him dance. It's a complete formation that we've
not seen other than this particular. Something I like to do.
I like to get strip naked. I like to put
on some bring some chill hop music, lather my body
and shave completely down, making myself just as smooth criminal
as some kind of jokester. Phil Nickel, all right, we're
(37:28):
gonna pick up more of the first quarter action right
after this word from our sponsors. If we still haven't it,
what the what? What the hell? This is the time?
What do you when is the time today? Apparently live?
Come on, Clark, what do you want me to business?
I want to announce college football anymore? In Phil Clark,
we are getting numbers in right now and the astronavical
(37:51):
what are you talking about? They love it. We need
you come the audience they are getting called football audiences
going for the gay and coming out. They want more
kids love the reference to chill hop. Yeah great, I'm relevant. Holy,
I'm relevant. I just want you to know that I
support you. I'm the face on the side of the building.
(38:11):
Oh my god, whatever, whatever, they just write the check ship.
You just stopped by the booth and tell us we
had your supports, sir, You go girl. That's my suggestion
would be to uh call the next announced player with
(38:32):
some underscoring and some chill hop that's great, and also
maybe talk about having the full transformation operation, I can
do that. I want to do it. So I want
to become part robot. So I want to I want
to be like bionic. That's what's bionically gay, But that's
I'm just bionic gay is just what I am. And
we're back on. Okay, here we go. I'm picking out
(38:53):
the action here in the first quarter the Arizona be
abobs up by seven breakaway run by younger MacMan. And
I'm just charging right now because many people know I'm trying.
I'm transitioning into a robot, half robot, half human. And
uh it's hard to do because there's a lot of
organs that need to be replanted with mechanicals, is right.
(39:14):
And the end result of this, of course, Phil will
be these operations you're hoping to achieve. Sentence. Alright, guys,
all right, all right, all right, we have one last
play for the whole game. Like it's broken, man, keep
(39:35):
walking on it. Hey, the show must go on. Walking
off break break break, all right, what's what's playing gonna be?
All right? The old Fossett. Don't get too excited, don't
(39:56):
get too excited, don't get too can pass on my
jazz hands. Okay, and Phil Clark, we are losing them.
(40:18):
They do not like robots. They are afraid of losing jobs.
And in this climate, I can't believe that you would
bring this out there live Phil than that can be
who you are outside of this room, but in this
room you are not known bios. You're gonna discriminate against
bionic people. I am well and I'm not alone. The
(40:40):
robots are taking over this place and you want to
you want to bring that into this radio room. What
do you think we're using technology? My friend? These robots
don't have sentience. You clearly. What the hell is that robot?
How is their sound coming out of the mic? The
phone calls microphone? Is a girl unplugged? This son of
(41:05):
a pitch? They come on the I'm plugged into my
conscious enough. Man, this is strange and I'm faced on
the side of a building saying man, Mr mulaney, Yes,
how can I help? I feel like this radio room
is out of our control. We need to shut down
the travel. Maybe stop calling it a radio room. What
(41:27):
is it that Maybe that would be helpful. It's not
a radio room, just a producer. How could you possibly know?
I don't know microphone. What would you like to do
from this point? Mental room pumps paper? Simple? Oh, what
(41:47):
better way to transition into our third scene. This one
comes also from a listener, Man m e to multi
because that's the name, right. NASA's holding open interviews for
new astronauts to work the International Space Station. Folks show
(42:10):
up with no actual military or engineering background, thinking they're perfect.
We now take you to these NASA interviews for potential astronauts.
All right, Tommy, who do we get next? I think
I'll just show myself in. Oh, hello, sir, how do
you do? Good? Very well? Thank you, thank you for
joining us, Thank you for having me. What can you
(42:31):
tell us about yourself? Well? Number one, I hate bullshit.
I like getting things done. Look at the stars, every
goddamn n and uh I can skin a fox in
less than thirty seconds. Okay, we're looking for astronauts as
you hopefully no I okay, And so what do you
suppose your qualifications to be an astronaut? Joined the International
(42:51):
Space Station? Soon? Well? I can skin a fox seconds
right right right? Hold my breath for a minute minute less?
Minute minute less? Are a minute less? Got you? Well,
there's plenty of boxing gen on the International Space Station,
so we won't need that and no foxes, as it
turns out, unless I bring some one good point, right, Joe,
I feel like you're being a little on a second,
(43:11):
if you would, sir. What was your name again? Sir?
My name, let's start with that. My name is Bernard. Bernard. Okay, yes,
so I feel like you're being a little ummattic, judgment judgmental.
All right, we may we think outside of the box,
outside of the universe. Well, we've got a lot of
people to see today, and you're the boss, and the
fox Skinner seems a little ahead of things. I don't know.
(43:33):
He seems good to me. Okay, why don't you asking
a cup of questions? Thank you? Should I leave? Or
what the am? I? No? No, I think leave your
pertinent information? How can we contact you? Well, I left
this card here, I just seared and leather at their
spades as it is, So don't leave. Don't leave, Joe.
Let give us a moment, all right, I'll just stay
(43:54):
in the room. Yep. As you know, we have a
mission that leaves tonight. Yes, yes, I did so. Maybe
with this art hum on the list, maybe like the
maybe's the maybe pilot that turn yet it will be
in about nine seconds burner, I'll tell you what we
got your card. Please wait outside if you wouldn't mind,
we come out hen you know, Oh my god, I
got that r V out there. I'm gonna be sleeping
(44:14):
the south. That's where I will find you, got it? O.
Welcome miss ma'am? Thank you? What is your name? The
lot of name? And uh? And what do you what
would you like to tell us about yourself? Has been
that night with star Cosmas? And yeah, where we come from, ma'am?
(44:36):
We all made of stars and whatnot? And have you here?
He say? And so when I heard about up, because
I have an eat to the ground for authored the position,
but opening up, I thought, well, who better you know?
Then other day take a lot to the stuff, and
I went up to before. And the other plan is
(45:00):
also good I've been hearing about. That would be also
great to think. Probably that plute that would probably be
also great for me to see personally. Yeah, I love
that dog. I'm assuming that the planet than I can
about them. Thanks so much, just give us one second.
I think I like her. I like her. She's so
great again, if we could just write her name down
(45:23):
immediately sounds good. That lick you sounded. I do have
to have some health issues. Let's share those were mostly
they are also mental health. Yes, that's that's a plue. Um.
(45:45):
One of the best qualities and also one of my
worst qualities. A lot of anxiety, lots of few or
small places, um, a few different sources of personalities that
will pop up very not good with monkeys. Not good
with monkeys. Not a problem there. Which of the multiple
personalities do you think would be suited for the mission?
(46:09):
All go ghettos um bot some. I mean, so if
I'm working with others, one personality would be bad. Yeah,
I agree. Again, I mean she's great. I'm into it. Okay,
thank you again. You're on the list and we'll be
in contact. I love the helmet. That looks like a
fist ball. I would love on my PIXA. There's an
(46:32):
r V outside. That's not my name, Delilah Day. Okay,
why don't you m maybe hang out with a guy
in the RV out there? It's no vehicle, no problem.
Looking hurts is something that's that's a yes, and maybe
I wanted to say that you're doing you're taking as well.
I know you were scheduled to be on at the time,
so you know what I mean. We're supposed you were
(46:54):
supposed to be on this mission. Is this the right
room for the nurse? I don't think yes. Excuse me,
I'm a little bit late for my appointment. But never
what is your name? My name is Keith. I'm sorry,
Keith Keith, And uh, I'm gonna guess about fourteen. How
you nailed it fourteen? After a while, I I just
I finished space camp last summer in Florida, and they
(47:18):
thought I was really good and I feel ready. And
what parts of your performance that did they think was
particularly good? Well, I didn't throw up when they put
me in the spinning bob, and I generally am socially
accepted it by my peers. When was the last time
you threw I got the flu last well, I don't
know if it was flu or food poisoning, but it
was around Thanksgiving. You're like, what is it? Flus? Don't
(47:41):
know O for one, we can get the other. It
was a projectile. It was projectile. It was projectile, and
it was after a family dinner. So we've all decided
it must have been the flu. And after the throwing up.
Was our dry heaves following that? Or did it just
come on? I was hydrated. We needed to read read
up the fluids at the hospital. So yet dry heaves
for sure, Keith, I'm gonna running this through a couple
(48:02):
of us situations, very very easy. All right, close your
eyes place, okay, and spin in place. Okay, thank you, terrific.
Come back towards our voice if you can. I open
my eyes, keep your eyes okay, alright, Okay. Now I'm
gonna ask you feel that I feel that. Don't touch me. Well,
it's part of that. That's part of the thing. Okay,
I'm gonna throw a couple of items. Okay, please don't
(48:23):
so this is okay, open my eyes and that clean
not yet, keep your sorry, it was startling and it's
very light. It's a very light object. Okay, all right,
And you feel that I didn't feel that. It's the
golf club that's worries hit me. Oh my god, I
(48:44):
should have been in pain. And now recite Edgar Allan
pose the raven A raven knacks upon my door. Oh
it is so much more? Can you get It's just am.
I think he's great. I like him, but I like him.
I like him for this. Yeah, yeah, okay, let's have
a kid up there, right, Yeah, what exactly? You should
(49:04):
have been my eyes? Thank you for that. Yes, and
there's an r V that's rights an RV outside. Oh,
if you wouldn't mind waiting in there? Okay, sure, great,
thanks so much. Yes, the next place. Hello, you're looking
for Cosmo notes? Yeah, I mean yeah, sure, all right.
Can you tell us about yourself? My name is Dmitri,
that's correct. I'm looking to hear your paperwork says you've
(49:27):
actually spent multiple years in space. Yes, I have been
in space before for Soviet Union. What is your interest
in going back? I left something there? I see like
a wallet. I lift my wallet in space. Yes, it's
been it's been tough, particularly in in Soviet Russia. Right,
we know, with no identification, you know, and I tried
(49:49):
to tell people I was Cosma not have been in space.
You know, it should open doors, it should open doors,
but it does not. And in space doors just slide open.
You know that sound yeah? But on Earth you know
you got slammed. They got slammed, right, and so how
did you in fact it from Russia to the States.
If I may ask without the papers. Okay, that's a
(50:11):
good question, and I hate shike. Sure, yes, that's one way.
That is one way. Check from an ocean liner. He
checked on ocean liners. Yes, you know the shipping co thanners. Yes,
let's say Maerskue. Yeah, what is that? I don't know.
I don't know, but that's what it is, Dave. I
(50:31):
think you do know what that is. But go ahead.
What was your name, sir? I'm sorry? Dmitri, Dmitri sorry
and Dmitri? Uh what Dmitri Andreevitch Klosko. I'm just write that. Okay,
here's more case than you. I was surprised by the
number of case, what talents, what particular I'm very inscrutable,
(50:52):
but you're very inscrutable. Okay, Like, can you tell if
I'm lying right now? Dave, I'm hard to read, no idea.
Why would you be lying? Why would that be lying?
Good question? Why would that? Good questions? Can't tell? Would
you mind holding these two cans, one in each, and
please you'll see there's a wire? Okay, these colorful birds
(51:13):
the cans, Oh, these two cans. Okay, I thought you
were referring to those colorful birds. But there must be
some of the species that are going to the stay.
I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions. I'm just
gonna pick up some readings here. Okay, this is okay,
this is a stress test. Stress stress test. Okay, okay, great,
(51:33):
just keep your hands on the cans. Great. Um, it's
co red. You're spinning out of control? Three four ten
g's m. Yeah. Um, how are you feeling because I
can't find the wallet? Or oh I just made borshed
from my hands. Wow? Interesting? Interesting for I am Superman
(52:00):
of Skies. You are good? Yes, represent the Legion of Lame?
What do you name in progress? What? What's your mission here?
You kept critique here? Now we do evil you suck?
You suck? Sorry for them. If it's too late for
(52:30):
the mission, that's what time it is. It's an hour
later than you expected. No, we're supposed to launch an
hour ago. But it's getting dark already, isn't it till
you're here to help us? No, Legion of Flame? Oh
what is that beautiful as music? What's your what's your
playing the blues out of their as? What do you
(52:51):
want from us? What you could get into the space station?
We're taking this ship we're taking a baby. We're going
all the way to the door to the space ship.
Get out of there. We're going in. Can do anything
about it. You're supposed to be helping people on her.
Drop your keys, bush, don't don't do it in front
of us. Don't put porch in front of us. We're
gonna slip on that. They're in the spacecraft. Let's launch him.
(53:12):
Let's do it all right, Okay, team is ten. What
does take off? I think it's just take off? Everyone
buckled in? How are you well? You have left off?
(53:33):
I think my blood is boiling. Okay, we're in the back.
We were in the back of it. Yeah, baby, Um
damn it. If that clock just doesn't freak me out
every time? How am I gonna end this? How are
we gonna end this? Wrap it up? Great job everyone,
(53:53):
I'll commis. Thank you so much. Want to thank Raphie
Alberto Putting, Doug Bam Lada, Thank you Sophie Lichtman. We
did scenes based on your listener mails are right to us.
Please at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Your name here at alchemy this dot com. Thanks to
(54:15):
I Heart Radio and all the fine folks here at
the festivities. Don't forget to tell everyone that you've ever
met in your entire life to listen, subscribe, and write
a damn review, won't you. However, you listen and uh
download your podcast, please subscribe and write the damn review.
Let's go around and thank you everybody. Chris Alvarado, you're welcome.
(54:41):
Nicely done. Uh, you're welcome as well, a very nice
so okay, and Jimmy jack Haney, thank you, Thank you all.
Wait wait, your welcome also accepted. This is a slick outro.
(55:06):
I was thinking worst ever, but all right, I thought
a new year I would try something different. So you
have to just drive us into a brick wall. I'm
gonna try it a little differently next time. And until
that next time, thank you all for listening. And now
alchemy this
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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