February 6, 2020 • 63 mins
Taxidermist Hired At Zoo; The Hean Wins Another Oscar; Wedding Photog vs Bride & Groom.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your hoth.
Kevin Polock yess that, Kevin polog that's that? Well, if
you do, you're damned, and if you don't, you just
didn't care enough. But I digress. Let's made an chemist?
Shall we no particular order? Say? Hello? Christ Operado, Chris?
Who shall be? Who shall never be kissed? What's your
(00:22):
favorite film of two thousand nineteen? Did you have a faith? Yes?
I did? Okay, and I'm going to say it's nineteen seventeen.
That's correct? Wait is uh? No? No, it definitely came
out in two thousand nineteen because it was nominated for
an Oscar. So what's your favorite film of nineteen seventeen? Yes,
(00:48):
that is also correct. Look down there. In fact, it's
Craig Katkowski. I'm a TV network suit, pitch me Hogan's Heroes. Okay,
Nazi yep? But wait wait wait no, let's start with Nazis.
Concentration No, it's not a concentration care, but it's a
(01:08):
prison of war care all right, But but the Nazis
are funny? Funny? Are there Jews that funny Nazis? Uh?
And I've got a guy he uh, he puts people
on tape. He shoots a lot of home video of
six sex acts on the show. No, not on the show,
but you should know who you're hiring and seen. Thank you, hey,
(01:30):
and yeah she's back Vanessa Raglan Venetia, name a cat,
a mouse, and a favorite pair of shoes. Jamy Frank Yeah, hello,
cut the trees. It's James Heeny, j j Heen the
third location. Please when you first attempted to lose your virginity? Oh,
(01:54):
thank god, it's do you want the truth or do
you want it was a movie theater. I can't handle.
It was you know what, you really want the truth?
I don't want to say the truth, and I don't
usually say the truth. On that, I just kept my
mouth shut. Well, I said a bedroom, a bedroom, okay,
(02:15):
movie theater was an employee. No, no, no, no, it
was because I think we have some charges to bring
a little humpy Jeames in the in the theater there.
I mean, not at the moment we were attempting. It
was just an attempt that was under age. I shouldn't
(02:39):
have been doing anything with anyone to have sex underage.
What oh, let's look up the laws. I mean I
think that if you're under age, you're not allowed to
be having sex period, right state Illinois? Okay, yeah, that's
definitely not the truth. Made a statutory rape on you? Yes?
(03:01):
Or she was older than me? How much one year
I was? I was a freshman and she was a
soft Is that fine? I mean I was a rough kid.
I think we should move on. Sorry, sorry, there's nothing
rough about. It's not being a rough kid because you
want to have sex. I'm telling you, and I'm telling
(03:24):
you if you want to have sex, you're both under
eighteen and consenting. It's not illegal. That it's fay that
it's just a little bit more difficult to do in
a bedroom than it is in it's more difficultom I
am increasingly more uncomfortable because becomes in a bedroom you're
lying down all the way well, because there's parents at
(03:45):
the house and you're under age and it's illegal. It's
better with strangers in a seat. Did you go to
a mattenee Mr Saturday night? Where it was it was
either Sergeant Bill Coo or it was in periscope. I
don't remember one of those piscope that's illegal. Uh, next question, No,
(04:09):
I think we're just We're good and last, But may
cuddly puppy make poop poop in your teacup if you
think them leaves it's Joey Greer Joel Wars. Why can't
you just leave it alone? You know why? Because it
keeps on looking at me and I'm not gonna sit
for that. So you're gonna take it to a movie
theater exactly, and I'm gonna leave it there with James.
(04:31):
All right, let's do a damn show. As always, a
special thanks to all of our Patreon v i P members.
Those of you who want to be a part of
our super fan group and enjoy extra bonus content and whatnots,
go to Patreon dot com slash alchemy This. Almost all
of our scene suggestions today are gathered from our listener emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please right to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(04:54):
That's your name here? I'm not sure it's well see.
Number one comes from Rebecca, who wrote, hello, my name
is Beck's short for Rebecca, but three syllables short for Rebecca.
But three syllables just take too long to say. One
syllable is so much easier Okay, thanks for explaining anyway.
(05:17):
I absolutely love the show and often try and fail
to stock partle episodes so I can binge, but I
can never make myself not listen, and I cave every
Tuesday and Thursday. So she tries to to to log
bank episodes but fails. That's pretty sweet, Saints that you
got it, and I finally worked out the matho and
aspiring taxidermists gets a job working at a zoo in
(05:40):
order to acquire exotic mediums to perfect his skill. His
or her coworkers start to become suspicious when animals begin
to go missing. Thank you for brightening my week, Becks. Yeah,
I understand that this is an enclosure for for a
(06:00):
but I thought there'd be more of a variety. Okay,
variety of primates. Yeah, whatever the hell they're called. Okay, look,
my boy, I brought my son over here to look
at some some of some of these. Did you want
to see baboons? Yes? I want to see Yes, I
want to see Grimace all of them, all right, I
want to I want to see the entire rainbow, all right,
And apparently you can't want to go home? No, hold
(06:22):
on a second, I don't want to watch these anymore
than do we have a problem here a little ranger.
It's just that these chips are boring. I just want
to go home video or no, the chips are boring.
Oh no, he wants to play video games. You're at
the zoo. It's the best place in the world. I
want to go. Dad, listen to a stranger. I'm not
a stranger on the head ZOOKI the head ZOOKI. Oh
(06:43):
my gosh. Okay, problem with a little bit was getting
a lot of progress here. We don't blame the guests, Randall.
I don't blame the guests Randall. I believe it was
the Randall's son who is the issue. Now you're gonna
blame my boy. I'm just you're gonna blame my boy.
He's a prey. Look at this, he's a prick. Excuse me.
(07:04):
You know what, I'm gonna sue this establishment putting my
son in the primate cage? What I want a v
I P. Three, Man, I want my boy in the
primate cage. Now, really fun? V I P. Two You
can go behind the penguin cave and give a sh
about penguin's Okay, I can't put your son in the cave.
Why not, Dolly, I say, we give the kid what
(07:26):
he wants. There's a wench right there. Huh, just lowerman.
I can't do it. Well, I'm gonna guest rip his
jo off and beat him to death with it. But
you know what, I want to go home. But this
sounds exciting. He's getting excited, Dolly. I think if you
look the other way, I could facilitate this gentleman's needs.
I can't even have heard that. Hey, Jake man, we
(07:50):
have another missing lizard. What I don't I can't figure
it out, and I don't want to tell Dolly. And
it's not just a lizard. I mean she doesn't know
about the ostrich from last week. I don't want tell
Dolly because I can't really understand her accent. Still, with
five lizards in the last month, it doesn't make any sense.
And I'm doing the math. Is there are some kind
of bird of prey coming down and picking them up?
(08:12):
But right, we have raptors, but their their wings and
clip there in the area. Yeah, right, it doesn't It
doesn't make sense. I diddle juniors, Luca in the brick room,
have you tried my jungle munch? Jungle munch, No jungle munch.
(08:36):
The count here, Oh it looks like droppings. It does
really dropping. I thought that was dropping hard jungle man. So, Dolly,
I saw in the calendar you're doing the zoo count today.
I'm doing the big zoo count, going to start with
the tallest bird with the funniest habits. Who am I
(08:56):
talking about? Austria strad um, just like we've got four
good just big beds. Don't we bury their heads? Yes?
So there's younger munches for anybody, jungle munches for any
(09:16):
juniors or groups. So I've gotta not go into it
myself because my caickies are getting too tight. Quick question, Dolly,
been hitting the munch too hard? That seems inappropriate. I
think I'm going on the munch actually a big breakfast.
Oh no, no, no, you've got planning room to fill
out your kickies. Go for it. I have a little munch,
(09:38):
You have a little munch, Dolly. Quick question, Um, do
we have other cameras that are operational? In quick answer?
Absolutely everywhere? Okay, good, We've got every inch of this
so covered with you know, high tech cameras. Yeah, I
got the whole system rigged up. You have any camera
anywhere in the entire like zoo or in this video room. Yeah, yeah,
(10:00):
that's Equippiti tech. You kind of smoke, pour water on
in the problem. Oh I see a monitor here, says
h Iguana Palace. Uh huh I zoom in and zoom out.
I can turn it off. I want. Most of the
time I turn off all these cameras. I just crash,
you know what I mean? As you turn out the
monitors or you turn off the actual recording devices. One button,
Nate night, Can we see the monitor from the monitors? Yeah?
(10:21):
Where that will be a two monitor. Lizards that went
missing in the last month. Maybe you have time to
tell them about the special cameras like pay extra game.
Oh yeah, I got we can put we can put
toilet cameras in. Yeah, we can put cameras in our toilet.
So we need that. Well just pure poo. You totally
well no, I mean no, are you sure we're looking
(10:41):
for the security cameras like you could knock hello, hey,
quick cue for you. You're ragged guys, some jungle munch
Hell yeah, two handfuls. Put it away the sun dart
sean your mouth. Can you turn off the cameras in
(11:03):
the primate area, no reason, not even on perfect title.
I should probably clarify him. Toilet cameras I was talking
about was furredy animals? They're not. We would never do
the people talk because we do offer for us because
watch the animals. But like if we were underneath got you, No,
(11:24):
we understand it. But if we want to put one
in like we've trained them all th toilet, so like
Dolly shower or something like that, would that be an optional?
What you talking about saying? Well, aren't you a really
pretty little porcupine? You look like you might be a
little old. What you say about coming home with me?
(11:44):
Come into my back back, get in here, come on,
getting you a bit big, getting you a bit big.
What are you doing me? I was just letting this
porcupine out to my big pick. Thank you appreciate it.
It was restucking the zoo. I work. Here. Here's my bad. Yeah,
(12:08):
it's me. That's why it's on my batch. And I
was just letting this porcupine out of my big big
Can I see the photo again? On your bad? Okay?
Here next to your own face, well next to my
own face. Are you sure my own face did you
have a hair color change. Well, yeah, I call it
my I call it my hair. I shaved my beard
and you went with a perm Well yeah it looks good. Right,
(12:30):
well yes, but nonetheless I should really get out of
the porcupine, are you okay? So fast forward, fast forward,
fast forward, stop stop, stop stop. So you said you
can zoom in? Yeah, so right here, I had about
like two Chila kila's, and I had like a pine coffee.
So get ready for the show. No, no, no, no, no,
you don't want to watch you pooping? Oh what the
(12:52):
hell do you want? I was saying, this monitor over
here in the iguana palace, let me set that up. Okay,
So okay, that ship it's all my pooping videos. Okay,
but like you could, you could probably I wonder if
there's one in dollars. Hey, my man, we're not doing that,
all right, we're not doing that, right. I thought we
were just boys talking about boys. Though. Yeah, okay, I'm
(13:14):
totally done with poop dock right without that jungle munch,
he's got to be pretty regular. I don't take I'm
not saying I want to see her poop. I'm saying,
what if you know? Okay, here it's off the table.
This one here, I had to jos meat lovers God,
and I haven't had any water for a week. Let's
see what happens on. So you don't have the iguana palace. Yeah, okay,
(13:36):
that's what you want. All right. Let's see here and
there from one week. Uh, let's do the last couple
of weeks. Yeah, last couple of a couple of weeks.
What do you want me to start? All right? Fine,
you don't hold two weeks ago Tuesday, six pm, and
I'll make it rain. Okay, No, we don't need it
wasn't raining, alright, alright, to leave the rain app here
(14:01):
we go. Wait a minute. That that's that's the new uh,
the new maintenance guy. Philip Green. Philip Green, This has
audio a little bit, can you up? Yeah, it's just
gonna be a louder squeaks. But can we slow the
audio down of course when we're gonna hans it? Yeah,
all right, let me zoom in on the audio, all right,
(14:23):
commure like want getting my big bink? Come? Need want
to get big Bitause? Holy ship? Is that how he sounds?
That's a bizarre voice a voice, but we caught him.
Now do we bring this information to Dolly or should
we put a camera in her shower? Okay, hold on,
(14:45):
hold hold on, hold on? What was going on? Just
guys stealing lizard that's what it seems like. Lizards, but
not just lizards, but a lot of things. Sad. I
don't want to go in. I don't want to You're fine, okay, Yeah,
I don't want all right, so I'm just gonna went
to alone. All right, fine, okay, randall just watch then
(15:08):
jeez coming down down. Okay, everybody back up, back up,
and stay away from anyway. I don't want to be
here anymore than you guys don't want me to be here. No,
you can talk. Oh, I'll keep your force down, keep
you forced. Okay, it's just me. What do you want
(15:29):
to bring any food? I don't have any food. I'm
just a ten year old. What you have a phone? Yeah,
but I don't have a lot of pat So you're
you're a ten year old cares a phone with no food.
Believe it or not, all kids have phones these days.
How long have you guys been in jail? We need
to go. No, this is a track phone. I can't
take a picture of Okay, okay, now she follow me
(15:51):
this way. Folks, the but bo is the most highly
sexual of primates. Well, I often resolve disputes via mutual masturbation.
There's there's a person in there. Okay, I think that's
just one of the banobo's. They nearly looked like that.
They're very The one that looks like a person is
(16:12):
taking a picture of those other ones doing this. Okay,
I don't have time to look in the enclosure. I've
got to look at my tour group right now. It's
taking a picture of the circulture. Okay, I got good
pictures of whatever you guys are doing. Okay, I hope
(16:33):
they were. So what's up McDonald's. I promise all right now,
how I'll drink the enclosure? You know what it was? Really? Uh?
It was weird. It was weird, Dad. Luckily I closed
my eyes didn't see anything but the pictures that I took.
I lost my phone and I need well I got
(16:54):
my phone back. I don't know if I should Okay, hello,
what do you mean? Hold on? What do you mean
you don't know if you should? Like he hang up
that phone right now? Like, why aren't you decison? Dad?
I just all I said is I didn't want to
you tell me what to do. Now you take a damon, Randy.
Do you pick up that phone if you want to,
you do it with confidence. Can I have a private
(17:15):
phone call? Of course, you're muff dad. Hello, how did
you calling from? Stand us? Those pictures? Okay, I'll send
it right now. I'm so hard to give him your
email to tell me mail. I don't, Gail, this is
(17:43):
my trash one. Okay, Well, can I just guess that?
Then your gmails the first parts the same. It's just now, Dolly.
I know that this family that's suing the zoo because
of the kid being harassed by the banoba, it's taking
up most of your attention. But we do have Philip
Green cut blatantly on this camera stealing, and I don't
(18:05):
have time for this right now. I'm being sued. Okay,
the zoo is being sued. You know what. I am
the zoo at the end of the night. You're not
the zoo. Oh my god, I've been eating so jungle monk.
I think you look great. My pants won't even buckle.
What is that? I can't I have to wear my
right just shirt out. Oh my god, the stress of
(18:28):
this it's like you want to take your pants off.
I'd love to take my pants off if it wasn't inappropriate.
My thighs now stress of this mixed with my jungle
Minks recipes honestly pushing me over the edge right now.
And so what do you bring into my attention? Philip Glass?
Not Philip Glass. It's a minimalist composer. Rated I do
(18:54):
what Philip class could do. I've done it on like
co Scotsy. But let's who doesn't coyon the sculpting. But
there's schools of other schools. That is taxidermyng porcupines and
iguanas that he stole from the zoo. He's bringing them
into the break room. Oh god, please don't. I'm gonna
(19:17):
pass out. I'm wanna pass out. Can you pass the pasta? Sure?
Here you go? Thanks? So you like pasta? Yeah, it's
kind of the only thing they offer here, so yeah,
let's see eating a lot of it. Yeah, are you
shaming me? Okay, just curious why that's the only thing
(19:38):
you eating. What's what's the hot thing here? The hot thing? Yeah,
there's not a lot of hot dishes here. If you
had the bananas, that's not hot. I'm not gonna have
a hot banana. How about the yogurt? That's not I'm
not gonna have curdled milk. Can I get you guys
any hot bananas to tap you up? There's happening now,
I'm fine, Thank you. You're the new guy. Huh. Yeah,
(19:59):
I'm not really a fan. I'll just bring my lunch
from now on. Sure, Okay, this is an awkward This
is very awkward to see that guy. He keeps on
bringing these animals out. Am I playing with them like
they're like plastic dinosaurs, but hired together. I swear he's
also that guy that guys, those are really animals. I
(20:21):
swear to God. Why do you swear to God? Because
I believe in Christ? Okay, but can I get you
guys anything else? Yeah? Can we get some more pasta? Please?
Kind out about us. I was recommended through the zoo
come to come down to the lunch room. That's where
(20:44):
we are. I know this is not as a boy,
but I do have some complaints about the employee lunch room.
I'm listening talk about food, right, Okay, I'm busting out
of all my cars. My loafers seems are popping because popping. Well,
(21:08):
let's stop eating the munch. Okay, I can't stop eating
the munch in the middle of all these crises. Sorry,
we've got a smuggler. Okay, guys, we have an issue
right now. It's a code red. Philip Green is in
the cage with the But what are they? How are
they go? What they called? But no? Shot? Right? Me too? Anyway?
(21:30):
Where'd you come from? Anyway? Right now? And he's threatening
to kill one live in front of all the people,
and stop it right here, we gotta go. I'm gonna
have to take my clothes off and run. Holy ship,
Oh my gods, that monkey. Get this? This is this
is my business. This is totally totally I can only
(22:03):
do Did we get that? Did we get that on videotape? Yeah? Yeah,
so I mean right now, okay, I had four handfuls
of sunflower seeds, and then I had about two pounds
of soft oatmeal, and then I just was just another
(22:26):
one of your poop video. Yeah, what are you asking for?
Dolly was running topless through the zoo. Did you not
get it? No? I'm not all right? She are What
goes wrong with the Why would you do that? I know?
I just told you. I am not all right, what's
going on? Okay, I don't know what's going on? All right,
I'm done talking to you. I'm gonna go see this
bloody mess, all right. I'm gonna go to the cafeteria
(22:47):
and get some cold pastaana. That's scene one cold one
scene to come from a fan whose name was somehow
misplaced in my process of copy and pasting emails into
my prep work. My apologies. If you hear this and
recognize your hand you work, please write to us again
(23:08):
at your name here at I can be this dot
com and I so that I can give you a
proper thank you. This fan wrote, good day, my friends.
You are all fantastic, lovely people. I don't care what
those other people say. You are all aces in my book.
A scene suggestion for you all today is a legendary
actor named the Hen wins another Academy award, but soon
(23:31):
realizes his entire world is collapsing all around him and thanks,
and the Oscar goes to please, please, please, please please
please place third time in the last four years, the
great okay guy, I want to make a speech. I've
(23:52):
done my first three good ones, so this is one.
I'm just gonna improvise. I want to think, well, let
me think here the first one, I thank god, I
think my mom want to just speak. You get with
a speech by one of the one and God's license
on the oskar and thanks mom? Can I put the honey? Yeah?
(24:18):
Well it was the funny thing about your so captain speech.
Well I figured that, you know I didn't thank you mother.
I did the first three times. Did you think your
mother thank you for six years a year life? I know?
And I thank you three three times ago. Thank you
for running my body, taking my youth walk walk walk
(24:39):
walking away with half of mody and they youre just
tappen out after three thank you? You know I regret
it now? How can I make it up to you?
Give me my hair? We're going about give me my hair. No,
you don't have to put this hair on to go
out do what it was to fancy ask you as
when we see with the oh, hey it's the hen
(25:02):
picking up his dry cleaning. Yeah, give me one sec.
Chains are up. Wow, it's that one, right, I can't
really seem to find it right now. No, it's the
it's the one with the Paisley tied behind you. Because
I can find the other the other articles of clothing
where people are gracious enough to acknowledge the hard work
we do in this I don't even know your name.
(25:27):
The five minutes or less dry cleaner. Yeah, yeah, okay,
I just need a couple of couple of suits. Okay,
a couple of pairs of shorts okay, and uh ten
shirts lightly starts, it's my turn. I got pants. A
good two shot coming right there, coming there? You are,
you have a good day, listen. I don't I don't
know your name. I know what you're getting at, and
I am sorry that I from I'm like, it's so
(25:53):
talented you. I enjoyed your last two pictures, not the
one before. But that's what it is. Well, I'm trying
to get better, and I guess it's in a good trajectory.
If you could sign it to my mother in law,
to your mother in law, not for you. Glad is
so she's the fan. No, she's the one that wants
you to write. Okay, I would like a selfie. Can
we take a picture together? Yeah? Can you leave? You're
(26:16):
too busy now. He just won't get my clothes back.
Maybe he'll take pure Yeah, would you mind stumpy taking
a picture of me and the heat. Baby, listen, I
love everything you're doing. Okay, it's me that's a problem, alright.
But word on the street is just a fan. You
can't do that. You just want to ask her. Now, look,
the deal with DreamWorks is tanking. Okay, why you're attitude
(26:37):
not mine? That game? The salvagees thinking, but I'm not
a plumber. Could somebody get my mom some shoes out
the TMZ? Al right, guy, So here's what we got.
We got the heat. Now he's at the Americana England Dale.
It's like, okay, he's walking out of leave watch. I'm
gonna slow this down. Here there's a little kid who
(26:58):
wants a hug and good look at what he does
right here. Oh just the just the kid bump them
hip check. I'm saying, I'm gonna rewind this again. Check
this out. And I got a video of the little
kid talking after the hip check. Let's take a look
it used to be. That's so sad, so sad. Another
(27:23):
video Kanye West. He's jumping in the water and he's
trying to look for fish. Let's take a look. Okay,
well you got a lot got wow. Look if it
isn't the heat, Welcome back to Jacoby's acting studio where
it all began for you. I appreciate check off is up. Okay, listen,
(27:50):
I just need to kind of revamp my stuff. I
feel like I lost my purpose. Got some Academy awards.
Exactly the moment you begin to look, can I get
two beckets? Got it up? You know the moment, the
moment you first accepted that first Academy award. That is
the moment when you begin to plummet as an artist. Really, really,
how did I get next too? Because you sold out
(28:14):
this Larry. The class is ready, okay if you want
to bring I do as a matter of fact. So
I'm gonna bring you into a beginning Are you sure
I can't go to intermediate or advance? You're not. You're
not going to take the class. You're here to watch.
I can't even take the need to watch one scene
between two beginning actors and see if there's a couple
of things maybe you can pick up on something that
(28:35):
you need for your craft. You want me to audit
a beginner. Ladies and gentlemen, you all know the heat.
I don't really watch films or television. That's my boys.
But you're aware they exist. Sure you care, Leonard? Okay,
So speaking with Leonard and Sylvia, they're gonna be doing
(28:57):
a scene from e n Escos line. Oh my god,
I'm not worthy. Okay, so let's go ahead and take
it from line line h damn it. I can't do
(29:19):
this anymore. This is driving me crazy. Cuckoo cuckoo, Bob,
this is driving me crazy. Line scene hean, what do
you think? Well, first of all, while commitment, that's a
lot of commitment. I'm not familiar with the piece, but
I feel like the story from the theater. I don't
(29:40):
do a lot of theater stuff. Oh I'm sorry. Is
that offensive to you guys? It's a bit offensive. Well,
I need to get back to your roots. Bro. Do
you guys think maybe I could? My god, my god,
I never thought i'd see that. He and walked through
these humble doors again. Here it is Martet County, Kentucky.
He's see me. Holy my Claire, John, Hell my god.
(30:08):
The years have not been kind of thank you very much,
But you still got those pretty eyes and that beautiful
soul that throat. Yes, I do. It's a it's a hole.
In my throat, was a smoker in my youth. You
have an extra hair, uh fat, I do keep it
(30:31):
in my shoe. Here you go, thank you. Anny, go
here and fix it? Now? What are you doing here?
He needs to find himself. I'm sorry, I'm I'm done. Yeah,
I'm sorry. But honestly, my mom's never gotten along with
anybody quite as well as you. You seem to like
her a lot. Hey, this is about you, not about me,
and you're my father. I appreciate that, and I never
(30:55):
thanked you for anything. I'm here to make things right.
Thank you. I didn't either. I didn't either. I'm not
entirely sure. This is kind of a surprise to my mom.
Wanted to put her on the spot in this moment.
Is this is? This? Is we as the group? Am I?
(31:17):
Where where are we in this? In this feeling journey
that you're on? Dad? Are you Dad? I am your father?
Thank god? Wow? Here we are right TMZ. We got
some new footage of the heat actually saving an old
lady from falling into a well. Yeah, things are changing
for the Yeah, Jessica, maybe Jessica, So I guess things
(31:41):
are going okay with the heat. Good. That's good. Uh,
pants up, blaz pants up? All right? Hey, hey, hey,
how's it going? But it's going good. I really need
that Paisley tie and the bingo bengo. My god, thank
you sucks up. And hey he's on the house. Really yeah,
I'm on the up and up. I have a good day.
(32:02):
Thank you. I'm looking for my socks. I put a
sock and oh my god, oh my god, you shop,
Oh my god, oh plague. Let go my hair. I
jumped into this well for regent. You can. Yeah, I'm
(32:23):
gonna pull you out of this. It's worth living for.
Come on out. Hey you thank you so much. Why
did you grab me by the hair? Well? It was
the only thing I could get a good grip off, right,
and well it turned out well you didn't lose it
and in your life, fair enough. But I wasn't planning
(32:44):
on living through the do you grab me? You were
trying to kill yourself. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean
to say. It's so wow. What I watched somebody's I
was just in the field, but I overheard something pretty disturbed. Hey,
that's against the law. I can't that's an old woman.
(33:09):
And then the nominees for Best actor, are come, Come, come,
Kanye West for Gone Fishing? Wow? Yeah, okay, Denzel Washington
Training Night, Okay, Horace Delonzio for In the Dark of
the Moon Anthony Hopkins and before Well Story the Heat,
(33:41):
and the Oscar goes to hold on, hold on, hold on? Yeah, sorry, sorry, guys,
how do I look? What the hell's happened? He just
walked up? This is it too much? Is it too little?
Who is that I'm presenting? Best Actor? I just want
to know if it's just going out live? You look great?
(34:04):
You know? What do you mean? What are you hoping
to hear? Because I'm just holding that amble. But they're
like an idiot. Okay, sorry, sorry, okay, good luck, And
the Oscar goes to hold on, hold on a second. Yes,
the shoes. What do you think? Huh? What do you
think of the shoes? I don't think they're I mean
they go in the dark Camera three show what's happening
in the wings? They go in the dark? Hunt got
(34:25):
somebody a little more upscale? I mean really kind of
like a bro fashion moment. What's happening? That looks good? Yeah?
They're fine? Yeah, who's the guy in the zoot suit?
And the Oscar goes to for the fourth time in
the last five all Right, first of all, big thing,
(34:48):
this is super important, mom. Thank you. He's giving the
speech from his seat, thank you, and then the all right,
I'm gonna let you finish like finish. Oh no, one
of the greatest performances of all time. I'm gonna I
need to take my cleaning. You're playing cone, Connie, please
(35:13):
come over here. How do I look? Fabulous? Man? Thank you?
Than Where do I get a pair of those serious?
You just go on Amazon, gonna take curious? Oh yeah,
you can't take yours, sir, amazing. Dong thank you? Thank you?
You say dog or dong dong? Oh, thank you, thank
you again? Dog or dong dong thank you, thank you?
(35:37):
Mix up best animated shorts but damp welcome back. We've
got the heen today a four time Oscar winner. Uh man,
oh man. What do the other actors think that are
in your category these days? Do they think they have
a shot? I mean, you're just unstoppable. I've really like
(36:00):
they think that I've somehow rigged the system. I get
a lot of dirty looks for Anthony Hopkins. Yeah. Follow
up question regarding the system Some say that it's a
quality performance. Others say you made some sort of deal
with the devil, like maybe you're using his taint as assault.
Like god, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no,
So that didn't happen. That did not have That rumor
(36:22):
is online. That rumor is incredibly inaccurate. There is not
a shred of truth. So no deal with the James Satan. Listen, uh, James,
It's just I know, it's just a part of the
deal was that people wouldn't know. This takes some of
(36:44):
my thunder away. Let's talk more. Look, I just I
feel like part of the deal should be that it's
our secret what we're doing. Okay, okay, okay, you're bad
with the elevating and sick the flow. That's part of
the whole thing. That's why I brought it, part of
(37:06):
the experience. Oh yeah, it's the problem. Oh then it
should be a problem. The problem should be a problem.
I should leave it alone. Yes, so are we good here?
So we're gonna we're just gonna be stuck with me
for a little bit longer. Is that right? Or I
don't know. It's okay, I gotta get out of here.
It is hot I have got to get out. Maybe
this is your guy's version of hell. What maybe his
(37:29):
breath stinks? You guys, wanna that would add to the hell.
Oh my gosh. If things start going right, that's when
you know, I gotta poop bed and you can't poop
in the elevator. But toilet, nor did you want? I'm
going all the way back down? So I got it
backed down, back and down. Hell, okay, man, I gotta
(37:49):
let this boy slide out. Oh my god, that's your gender.
Oh you know, I know it's inside me. And then
I'm a knees for the Hell Awards a come on,
come on, come on. Satan for fury, Yeah, Satan for wrath, Yeah,
(38:14):
Satan for being a meanie, and Kyle for fingernail pulling. Bamn,
I didn't get nominated and the Hell Award goes to Kyle. Wow,
this is another saying Carl, come on up and accept
your award. Carl. I'm sorry, Kyle can't be here. He's
(38:37):
mugging his skin removed, so got you? Oh okay, no,
we know Satan won all the awards. Again. Satan has
a special guest with it this. You can't see him
because his head is so far up my ass, but
(38:58):
of my ass, I got time Oscar Award winner. Oh
so um yeah, I'm sorry to say this, but are
you sorry? I gotta stop acting. Oh, don't do this,
(39:20):
I have don't do this to your mother and may.
I'm sorry, but there's no chance. I mean, you've been
out there only six years. What's the big deal. You
can't give up. I'm going to give up. We need to,
We need you to keep going a zero zone. I know. Look,
I'm gonna open up a law firm slash paint business,
and then just just go this, just do what everyone
else does. You can't pass the bar seven times you've tried,
(39:42):
Maybe the eighth time will be my ticket in right,
and then you'll open up the law shop. Yes, and
cut really nice seeing everybody, really really nice. Thank you.
You know, I was sinking to something about when I'm
signing I'm open up the paint shop and law firm
and wondering what's my drive with it? You know? Get um, sorry,
(40:03):
is this a motivation conversation? Because I could be doing something.
I think you should all listen to his motivation conversation. Frankly,
when you have any questions, I need you to always
put your gaze up to the poster of the heat.
He's the greatest living actor of our generation. What would
he do? You know, what would inspire him? And here
we go and action mom, Dad, I got some bad news.
(40:26):
What's going on? I think I'm gonna quit acting. Yeah,
it's just it's just not working out. I think when
I opened up that law firm, slash pain business. I'm sorry, Steve,
you said actors don't you'll cut. But who's he supposed
to be looking out on the scene And there's no
connection at all. That's a great question. I don't understand, Elliott.
I can't believe you just did that. I was the
(40:49):
first time I felt like the cameras were actually on me.
They weren't, And I was killing it well. I was
trying to say both of us a little bit of time,
were you? Thank you? Patriarchy? I love I see what
you know? How much he's making for this movie? I do,
I see what's going on? How much? Because I don't
know it's an unfair wage. Look, none of us here
are the heat no, And I think we're all suffering
(41:11):
a bit because of that. We all feel like we're
laughing with the man Man, he's the world's greatest might
he did one movie with him? It was great. Thank
Our story was from testing to see the reason the
movies great though, just signing that it was a collaboration
of efforts, is anyway we can get more Brits to
take our jobs. By the way, television theater, there's sucking
(41:35):
clotted cream crafty. Okay, don't love it. Lady and gentlemen,
you look familiar. No no, no, no, no, no, no,
you do. But what do I know you're from? It's
probably just we've shot at the same Ralph's or something
like that, which Ralph's shop Lincoln on in Venice. I
(41:59):
was in the movie The Well, The Well. It was
a pretty popular What do I know you're from? Well,
I've gotten three oscars? You guys want to happen. I'm
not with this person. Actually, please don't sit here. Hey,
can you tell me how you were about us through
the zoo? Okay, got it. It's the only option at
(42:21):
the zoo. So that's why I'm eating here, and that's
why we were all here piping up. I was just
sitting by myself. Really, you should just go for the
spaghetti because everything except that is disgusting. I gonna be honest. Uh,
you were the heat, right? I am the heat? Um?
I mean I knew who you were. Okay, well why
(42:43):
did you play coy? I don't know. Well, honestly, somebody's
going to be sitting in that seat soon, so is it. No,
it's my mother, and if she sees you sitting here,
it's gonna be weird for both of us. Well, best
eluct man. I hope, hope everything. What's your favorite movie?
Who is this? Cloud? Mom? This is just this is
(43:04):
just what? Who is it? I didn't ask his name yet?
Who are you which? Trying to have a private conversation?
You could abc your way out of it. Okay, well
look I just wanted to uh pretty face. Well thanks, No, Mom,
this is just this is my fan. I'm not a fan.
I just okay, he said, But I said, lap okay,
(43:30):
please don't mom. I got some bad news about your daddy.
We don't share this here. It's okay. He stuck in here.
He doesn't mind what happened. What happen that he invited
me back to a homestay, that that he's going to
go on a journey self discovered it just to introduced
me to this man that we've known that he was right?
(43:52):
Are you your father? Apparently he was surprised to all
of us. We have a hot and every three months
my son. Meanwhile, I was filming. What were you filming?
It was doing that is something or other. I come
back to get my wigs. I don't even he don't
even call me twice. This my my my dad father.
(44:17):
I'm on the market. I hate him. I like you.
Let's do the math. Where's the banana? Don't order the
ho banana please, mama. I'm on, damn. Do you want
to get out of here and see some banoba's? Yeah?
Those are freaking ones, right, honey. Yeah, they're the craziest
sucks in town. That drop him there. Our final scene
(44:50):
today comes from Andrew in the UK, who wrote, Morning Alchemist,
thank you for being my go to podcast when it
needs something to make me laugh. I haven't scene suggested.
Experienced wedding photographer becomes increasingly impatient with the helpful shots
suggestions from the bride and groom. Sincerely, Andrew from the UK. Okay,
so this is like a jungle background. If I could
(45:11):
just set you guys in front of it for starters. Uh,
that would be great. Okay, we trust you. Yeah, well
it's great. That's what you're paying me for. Okay, Um,
deborrah is that right? Okay? If you want to stand,
if you want, that's probably more professional. If the bride
could stand closer to the grooms for the shot. Oh,
(45:33):
we want to have a little bit of space. We're
making the mistake, sorry, Chris the groom. Ye little space
between this place. Yeah, just a little space. Sure, absolutely,
whatever you two want, that's what we'll do today. Okay.
I mean what we want might not be what we get.
I think we've that's exactly what's happening here. I agree
(45:54):
something we agree on. You don't always get what you want.
I believe that was the rolling stuff. Yeah, yeah, I
can't always get what you want, that's right. Ain't always
going to get what you want? Can you take the phone? Sure,
here's what I want. Ain't gonna get it? I think
that might be. Yeah, here's what you want I ain't. Yeah, okay,
(46:15):
what song is that? It's just one of my songs.
I like you guys both know it all right, big smiles.
It's my day, it's my day, it's your smiling I'll smile. Okay,
now if I you do to look at each other
just gets into each other's just look for not doing
(46:36):
that one bridegroom, brideer groom, what do you mean, bridegroom?
We're not getting married? No no, no, no no, what're
not getting married? Were kind of friends and we're gonna
let us from wecame his friends and we're leaving his friends.
He's not I'm paying anything for this wedding. I mean,
he's a honey. What is there a cocktail our? Because
(46:59):
there cocktail? Where did the Brighter group? Which who do
you know? Out about? Fifteen years ago? Again? But not
to die? You have an invitation? No? Sorry, I'm is
awso there? Would you mind grabbing it so I can direct? Yeah,
(47:23):
we had her car valet, so it's like we don't
have it next to us. But we well we're with
thee but we're not together with the group. We're definitely
with the group with the groom. Okay, sir, you understand
your daughter is just difficult to be around. Hum, but
(47:43):
you did get her pregnant right, correct me if I'm
wrong having a baby, you got me there. It just
feels like there should be more we don't like each other.
Did you guys like each other when you got married?
Of course we did. Okay, Well, we got to know
each other better, loved each other. Sure, Sure, And I
appreciate you putting the bill on this. I mean, you're
(48:05):
obviously a very wealthy man. I made a bang for
the damn thing. Remember as well, I have the damn thing. Yeah, no,
I know, it's just what are you guys talking about? Oh,
you look so pretty. You shouldn't be into the same room.
It's fine, we've already seen each other to each other. Hey, Hey, hey, Debbie,
I was just saying that this is a bummer. This
(48:28):
is a real fucking bummer what we've got everybody here.
We paid for the damn thing, we might as well
do the damn thing. Is that really the attitude that
you want your daughter to have on our wedding day? Look,
we paid for the best photographer. He's done so many
jungle shoots over the years, and uh, I want to
(48:50):
get it. I want to get a shot of of
every own. We'll get your parents, and we'll get Deborah
and me and Mrs carlus Good and uh and everybody
from the wedding party, all right. Can we get her
absolutely sorright the straights? I am you're kind of running
this thing. Can you get all of our family members together?
(49:12):
We're gonna take a one big group photos actually just
had I don't one can gather by the fountain, but
just something to talk to you about. What are you
talking to him about? You could talk to both of us,
I understand, but there's a couple from from his side
that I thought he should be aware of. God, your people,
it seems that one of your family members or friends
has brought ketch up into his coat pocket and he
seems to be eating it out of his coat pocket.
(49:32):
Just just so you know. I thought it was butted first,
and I alerted the e MT. But it was just
so you know what. I don't want to get cut.
I don't want me to see him he saw you.
We've better drink it all here. I'm feeling those old
flames again. We should. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We're taking
(49:55):
a group photo. Um you here, you have some catchup talk.
That's fancy up, that's fine's lipsick, that's fine. Uh bunsive
nors lips. It's on your cheek. So you should just
know that it's because we kissed. Because the way you
(50:19):
talked to us earlier, you get his thinking. Maybe we
do let each other. Maybe there's something there off By
me asking you what side of the bridal party got
you guys thinking about it doesn't matter. We are taking
a group photo. We're doing it right in front of
the church. So just come out there. You should see
right by the line enclosure right to the right of that. Okay,
(50:40):
all right, thank you, give me a score. So okay,
everyone just like jungle background set up. That's how we're
talking to me. What's going on the jungle. I'm getting
somebody why jungle because I feel like in the jungle
you can get lost, you can be free, and I
feel like maybe that's what you want. This guy we're
shooting in danger black Ryno was in Tanzania three days ago.
(51:02):
Thank you. Now he's here for our wedding. Roger you called,
you pick up a phone. I'm here. It's a pleasure,
my pleasure. Let's just get this thing over with. Okay.
By the way, I had to receive from the airfair
great to get that to you. Yeah, So if everyone
could just gather here, UM, tell me, do you matter
if we do like a funny face. I am, what's happening?
(51:25):
I'm can you see me? Hello? Broke, do you mind
if we do a funny phase? I do mind, so
let's do it. Then has a YouTube channel. She's really funny. Okay,
h Hello, let's do a funny face and then let's
do like a flash mob. Yeah. I like that. Roger
(51:48):
playing it? Roger, what's happening? Sure? Sure, sure, sure, your
your niece or nephew. Brooke is gonna friend run the
It's my friend, daddy, It's Brooke. You know, Broke, she's
the funny one. She always is. A video we all
have fifteen million views. Wow, I was in Tanzania three
days ago. Nobody so much funny? Something funny? Brook? What
(52:14):
do you think? What do you think is funny? I
clearly don't know what's in your I can throw flaces
on people's knees, Sir, put your gun down, put your
gun away, because you're goddamn head. They're with me, they're
with me, they're with me. This is your family. If
(52:37):
you have to put a word, you have to put
a word, I guess it would be family. You got
a pocket full of catch up that it's not full.
It's not full, it's and it's safe to travel with.
So listen, we need a fucking hell Mary from you.
You got it. Do your Brooke magic, you got it.
(52:58):
Pump it up, Brook. Let me know when you're reading
a right, Okay, let me get right next to you. Okay.
So everyone look at me and your your name was Duncan. Okay,
So what we're gonna do is Duncan here is gonna
take a photo of all of us, right, so and
just stay behind me. Everyone hears together, and let's all
(53:22):
just go, oh my god, everybody, Oh my god, it's fun.
I'm Duncan. Well anyway, I really like to get some
(53:42):
pictures that we can remember the wedding bike because these
ones all look like a frat party. So if you
know that, my husb Brooks stand down for the rest
of my life. Listen, I'm not in charge of Brooke.
We're paying you to take pictures, and it looks like
I'd love to take back control of the photo. Please
excuse me, everybody. Um, Debrah and I decided to do
things a little different. We're not gonna go walk into
(54:06):
the church and do the whole deal. A matter of fact,
I'm taking up the vowels that I had written rideously.
I'm ripping them up before you. I have some new
things to say, and I'm gonna say him. Now, stop him.
I hired staying to the ceremony. Send them back. I
just first I gotta thank Brooke. Where are you? You're
(54:30):
so funny? And that beat? Yeah, I just make that.
I know you did, and it sparked something. It reignited
the feelings I had when I first met you at
that bar. Million views already and we had a one
night stand, you got pregnant, we're getting married. That usually
(54:52):
does not make for a happy circumstance. But then I
added a little beet bop boop to my soul, and
I can see a future with you, Debbie. I can
see one with you two. And we're having like this
big party with all of our friends. Thank you, Dad,
Thank you Roger sting Um. They don't want to use you.
(55:15):
To mean that they don't want to use you. What's
that use me? Yeah? I mean well as they you
know they're gonna do. You mean, I don't need to
go on because that would be aces with me, right, Yeah, yeah,
that that's no show. The groom just decided. Well, the
agents order to receive the check, so I don't really care.
I'm sorry to time. I'm the bride's agent. There's a
(55:38):
young YouTuber named Brooke who would love to do a
skit with you for her channel, right, and we yeah,
your name? You want to bring her in? Seventeen million
subscribers sting calling me fascinated, All right, bring her in? Hi?
Hi are you Brooke? I am Brooke. Oh my god, Julian,
(56:02):
Oh my god, how are you call me? Whatever you like?
This is crazy? Oh my god. There's so many sandwiches
on that plat. I have a sandwich, love, you could
use one. Thank you about unds. I'm only three too, Okay,
I don't know what that means my height. So I
was thinking years old. No, no, I'm only three too.
(56:23):
So what I'm thinking is that thank you. So what
I'm thinking is how did you get on to YouTube? Well?
I took a video with my phone and then I
uploaded it and then hold up down by writting this down.
So you took a video with your phone? How does
that work? You just hit record and then I uploaded
(56:43):
it and then your phone need to be on yeah,
all right? And then I got sponsored by fashion Nova,
and then I got emotion who I got sponsored by
fashion Nova, and then that's it? Okay, and then what
were we doing? So I was thinking we could do
something really funny. Come, let's have sexually in this room.
(57:04):
Yeah you might remember this. We got married and you
played at our wedding fifteen years ago. Of course I remember,
were still together. Oh yeah, let's have sex in this room?
Was sex in this room? Oh? Hi? Broke? Hi? What
(57:26):
was this? Your skit broke? No? Well no, I was
thinking we can do that. Everyone was gonna fucking you
and I were gonna talk Mrs Kiver, let's have sex
in this room, okay, romany I was told that I'm
not performing, and yet you're all coming in. Well, we
still love it, if you say, because I can full
(57:47):
fact of the hotel. No no, no, no, no, we're
bad for you to hang around. It's gonna cherk off
in this room, just gonna check off. What the hell
you are? Sorry? Mate? On the way in, you would
talking to yourself, Yeah you go, ch off. I was
looking for the curtains and your hand was down your
(58:09):
pants on your dick was hard. There's one thing I
learned today. It was being a groom, A reluctant groom.
Is that whoa earlier I was reluctant, so were you?
I was too, But I don't like it when you
say it's fair enough. But here's what I learned that
there's no more need for judgment. If you want to
(58:29):
jack off, if you guys want to have sex, if
I want to make love to my wife and you
and my baby while Sting sings us a song my
body and my body. Now the show is back on?
Is that what I'm marrying? And I like you got
stark wal you do right? Right? I love this thing.
(58:54):
That's great. Appreciate also you yourself thing. It wasn't easy bad? No?
You know? Is it a verb name I tried to
rename mussel? No, but I wanted to take them home.
What was it? Slap? Let's give it a go, hey, slap?
How's it going good to see your slape? Th right?
(59:18):
I mean, I feel like slap works for you. It
didn't look much like a slap to me. And what
was your name? Mate? Names jan John John? That fits
you because it's forgettable. Do you know what I mean?
You know what I mean by the way I like
(59:39):
everyone to know that they're all getting a DVD. I've
I've heard the best videographer in the business. He used
to do security for the zoo. So me roaming around
but oh wow, yeah I was. I was wondering y'all's camouflages. Neat. Yeah,
it was the next year in the party zone and
you were taking the biggest step ever heard. You're gonna
(01:00:01):
see a lot of pleasure. That's our true Thank you
all for listening and joining us here. Remember if you'd
like your scene suggestion turned into that yet your name here?
Give me this dot com Joey Greer, thank you so
much for being here. Happy to be all right. Thank you,
(01:00:22):
and folks can find you on the interwebs. Jeffy Greeber,
I don't know what that means. James Any, thanks for
having me back again. Oh gosh, it's great to be welcome. Hey,
did you have a good time it sketch fest in
San Francis. God, it was the best sketch fest I've
ever been. That's pretty great. Yeah. I mean a lot
of people showed up, but I don't guess we should
thank them first. Thank everybody who came and saw us.
(01:00:44):
It made us feel really good to have a packed
house to perform at the punchline. And honestly, that was
the first time I've gotten to be in the presence
of you doing stand up. Uh, you did an awesome
job opening the show. Oh my goodness, was that What
that was? I mean, it was awesome. Welcome back to
wing in it. None of that was None of that
was written. The joke that I called myself out on
(01:01:06):
for being a forty one year old joke was in
fact at one point written, but forty one years ago.
Yeah that my grandfather worked on the Golden Gate Bridge,
gave his life, uh not while working on the bridge
back then. If he didn't have a toll, they shot you. Yeah,
it still works for you one years later. But thank you.
And now you're you're seeing me to sit down. Craig Kakowski, Kakow,
(01:01:27):
that was so much fun. San Francisco one of the
top five sketch fests I've ever been, five or five
or six, I'd say, at Kakowski on Twitter c A
C K O W S k I at c. Kikowski
on Instagram c C A c W S. But that's
the raggling Dash and Chip Butter dot Com yeah, go
(01:01:47):
check it out. We got all sorts of stuff. We're
gonna do a lot of great things this year. It
was good be nice to each other. Yeah, please be nice.
Don't forget that part. Christoperun Yeah, man, so much fun.
I'll so. I just love the art that everyone's sending
our way to all my grasp It's it's like flattering
and exciting and all of it all at the same time.
(01:02:08):
So let's keep doing that, please. Yeah, we'll so inspired
to do so posting it to we We love our
fans um contributions in a big, big way. Good point.
Let's thank our producer and engineer of the stars, Mr
Doug Babe, and the fine folks that I heart media.
We're loving you. I'm Kevin. Probably your house until next time.
(01:03:00):
Up to the
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your hoth.
Kevin Polock yess that, Kevin polog that's that? Well, if
you do, you're damned, and if you don't, you just
didn't care enough. But I digress. Let's made an chemist?
Shall we no particular order? Say? Hello? Christ Operado, Chris?
Who shall be? Who shall never be kissed? What's your
(00:22):
favorite film of two thousand nineteen? Did you have a faith? Yes?
I did? Okay, and I'm going to say it's nineteen seventeen.
That's correct? Wait is uh? No? No, it definitely came
out in two thousand nineteen because it was nominated for
an Oscar. So what's your favorite film of nineteen seventeen? Yes,
(00:48):
that is also correct. Look down there. In fact, it's
Craig Katkowski. I'm a TV network suit, pitch me Hogan's Heroes. Okay,
Nazi yep? But wait wait wait no, let's start with Nazis.
Concentration No, it's not a concentration care, but it's a
(01:08):
prison of war care all right, But but the Nazis
are funny? Funny? Are there Jews that funny Nazis? Uh?
And I've got a guy he uh, he puts people
on tape. He shoots a lot of home video of
six sex acts on the show. No, not on the show,
but you should know who you're hiring and seen. Thank you, hey,
(01:30):
and yeah she's back Vanessa Raglan Venetia, name a cat,
a mouse, and a favorite pair of shoes. Jamy Frank Yeah, hello,
cut the trees. It's James Heeny, j j Heen the
third location. Please when you first attempted to lose your virginity? Oh,
(01:54):
thank god, it's do you want the truth or do
you want it was a movie theater. I can't handle.
It was you know what, you really want the truth?
I don't want to say the truth, and I don't
usually say the truth. On that, I just kept my
mouth shut. Well, I said a bedroom, a bedroom, okay,
(02:15):
movie theater was an employee. No, no, no, no, it
was because I think we have some charges to bring
a little humpy Jeames in the in the theater there.
I mean, not at the moment we were attempting. It
was just an attempt that was under age. I shouldn't
(02:39):
have been doing anything with anyone to have sex underage.
What oh, let's look up the laws. I mean I
think that if you're under age, you're not allowed to
be having sex period, right state Illinois? Okay, yeah, that's
definitely not the truth. Made a statutory rape on you? Yes?
(03:01):
Or she was older than me? How much one year
I was? I was a freshman and she was a
soft Is that fine? I mean I was a rough kid.
I think we should move on. Sorry, sorry, there's nothing
rough about. It's not being a rough kid because you
want to have sex. I'm telling you, and I'm telling
(03:24):
you if you want to have sex, you're both under
eighteen and consenting. It's not illegal. That it's fay that
it's just a little bit more difficult to do in
a bedroom than it is in it's more difficultom I
am increasingly more uncomfortable because becomes in a bedroom you're
lying down all the way well, because there's parents at
(03:45):
the house and you're under age and it's illegal. It's
better with strangers in a seat. Did you go to
a mattenee Mr Saturday night? Where it was it was
either Sergeant Bill Coo or it was in periscope. I
don't remember one of those piscope that's illegal. Uh, next question, No,
(04:09):
I think we're just We're good and last, But may
cuddly puppy make poop poop in your teacup if you
think them leaves it's Joey Greer Joel Wars. Why can't
you just leave it alone? You know why? Because it
keeps on looking at me and I'm not gonna sit
for that. So you're gonna take it to a movie
theater exactly, and I'm gonna leave it there with James.
(04:31):
All right, let's do a damn show. As always, a
special thanks to all of our Patreon v i P members.
Those of you who want to be a part of
our super fan group and enjoy extra bonus content and whatnots,
go to Patreon dot com slash alchemy This. Almost all
of our scene suggestions today are gathered from our listener emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please right to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(04:54):
That's your name here? I'm not sure it's well see.
Number one comes from Rebecca, who wrote, hello, my name
is Beck's short for Rebecca, but three syllables short for Rebecca.
But three syllables just take too long to say. One
syllable is so much easier Okay, thanks for explaining anyway.
(05:17):
I absolutely love the show and often try and fail
to stock partle episodes so I can binge, but I
can never make myself not listen, and I cave every
Tuesday and Thursday. So she tries to to to log
bank episodes but fails. That's pretty sweet, Saints that you
got it, and I finally worked out the matho and
aspiring taxidermists gets a job working at a zoo in
(05:40):
order to acquire exotic mediums to perfect his skill. His
or her coworkers start to become suspicious when animals begin
to go missing. Thank you for brightening my week, Becks. Yeah,
I understand that this is an enclosure for for a
(06:00):
but I thought there'd be more of a variety. Okay,
variety of primates. Yeah, whatever the hell they're called. Okay, look,
my boy, I brought my son over here to look
at some some of some of these. Did you want
to see baboons? Yes? I want to see Yes, I
want to see Grimace all of them, all right, I
want to I want to see the entire rainbow, all right,
And apparently you can't want to go home? No, hold
(06:22):
on a second, I don't want to watch these anymore
than do we have a problem here a little ranger.
It's just that these chips are boring. I just want
to go home video or no, the chips are boring.
Oh no, he wants to play video games. You're at
the zoo. It's the best place in the world. I
want to go. Dad, listen to a stranger. I'm not
a stranger on the head ZOOKI the head ZOOKI. Oh
(06:43):
my gosh. Okay, problem with a little bit was getting
a lot of progress here. We don't blame the guests, Randall.
I don't blame the guests Randall. I believe it was
the Randall's son who is the issue. Now you're gonna
blame my boy. I'm just you're gonna blame my boy.
He's a prey. Look at this, he's a prick. Excuse me.
(07:04):
You know what, I'm gonna sue this establishment putting my
son in the primate cage? What I want a v
I P. Three, Man, I want my boy in the
primate cage. Now, really fun? V I P. Two You
can go behind the penguin cave and give a sh
about penguin's Okay, I can't put your son in the cave.
Why not, Dolly, I say, we give the kid what
(07:26):
he wants. There's a wench right there. Huh, just lowerman.
I can't do it. Well, I'm gonna guest rip his
jo off and beat him to death with it. But
you know what, I want to go home. But this
sounds exciting. He's getting excited, Dolly. I think if you
look the other way, I could facilitate this gentleman's needs.
I can't even have heard that. Hey, Jake man, we
(07:50):
have another missing lizard. What I don't I can't figure
it out, and I don't want to tell Dolly. And
it's not just a lizard. I mean she doesn't know
about the ostrich from last week. I don't want tell
Dolly because I can't really understand her accent. Still, with
five lizards in the last month, it doesn't make any sense.
And I'm doing the math. Is there are some kind
of bird of prey coming down and picking them up?
(08:12):
But right, we have raptors, but their their wings and
clip there in the area. Yeah, right, it doesn't It
doesn't make sense. I diddle juniors, Luca in the brick room,
have you tried my jungle munch? Jungle munch, No jungle munch.
(08:36):
The count here, Oh it looks like droppings. It does
really dropping. I thought that was dropping hard jungle man. So, Dolly,
I saw in the calendar you're doing the zoo count today.
I'm doing the big zoo count, going to start with
the tallest bird with the funniest habits. Who am I
(08:56):
talking about? Austria strad um, just like we've got four
good just big beds. Don't we bury their heads? Yes?
So there's younger munches for anybody, jungle munches for any
(09:16):
juniors or groups. So I've gotta not go into it
myself because my caickies are getting too tight. Quick question, Dolly,
been hitting the munch too hard? That seems inappropriate. I
think I'm going on the munch actually a big breakfast.
Oh no, no, no, you've got planning room to fill
out your kickies. Go for it. I have a little munch,
(09:38):
You have a little munch, Dolly. Quick question, Um, do
we have other cameras that are operational? In quick answer?
Absolutely everywhere? Okay, good, We've got every inch of this
so covered with you know, high tech cameras. Yeah, I
got the whole system rigged up. You have any camera
anywhere in the entire like zoo or in this video room. Yeah, yeah,
(10:00):
that's Equippiti tech. You kind of smoke, pour water on
in the problem. Oh I see a monitor here, says
h Iguana Palace. Uh huh I zoom in and zoom out.
I can turn it off. I want. Most of the
time I turn off all these cameras. I just crash,
you know what I mean? As you turn out the
monitors or you turn off the actual recording devices. One button,
Nate night, Can we see the monitor from the monitors? Yeah?
(10:21):
Where that will be a two monitor. Lizards that went
missing in the last month. Maybe you have time to
tell them about the special cameras like pay extra game.
Oh yeah, I got we can put we can put
toilet cameras in. Yeah, we can put cameras in our toilet.
So we need that. Well just pure poo. You totally
well no, I mean no, are you sure we're looking
(10:41):
for the security cameras like you could knock hello, hey,
quick cue for you. You're ragged guys, some jungle munch
Hell yeah, two handfuls. Put it away the sun dart
sean your mouth. Can you turn off the cameras in
(11:03):
the primate area, no reason, not even on perfect title.
I should probably clarify him. Toilet cameras I was talking
about was furredy animals? They're not. We would never do
the people talk because we do offer for us because
watch the animals. But like if we were underneath got you, No,
(11:24):
we understand it. But if we want to put one
in like we've trained them all th toilet, so like
Dolly shower or something like that, would that be an optional?
What you talking about saying? Well, aren't you a really
pretty little porcupine? You look like you might be a
little old. What you say about coming home with me?
(11:44):
Come into my back back, get in here, come on,
getting you a bit big, getting you a bit big.
What are you doing me? I was just letting this
porcupine out to my big pick. Thank you appreciate it.
It was restucking the zoo. I work. Here. Here's my bad. Yeah,
(12:08):
it's me. That's why it's on my batch. And I
was just letting this porcupine out of my big big
Can I see the photo again? On your bad? Okay?
Here next to your own face, well next to my
own face. Are you sure my own face did you
have a hair color change. Well, yeah, I call it
my I call it my hair. I shaved my beard
and you went with a perm Well yeah it looks good. Right,
(12:30):
well yes, but nonetheless I should really get out of
the porcupine, are you okay? So fast forward, fast forward,
fast forward, stop stop, stop stop. So you said you
can zoom in? Yeah, so right here, I had about
like two Chila kila's, and I had like a pine coffee.
So get ready for the show. No, no, no, no, no,
you don't want to watch you pooping? Oh what the
(12:52):
hell do you want? I was saying, this monitor over
here in the iguana palace, let me set that up. Okay,
So okay, that ship it's all my pooping videos. Okay,
but like you could, you could probably I wonder if
there's one in dollars. Hey, my man, we're not doing that,
all right, we're not doing that, right. I thought we
were just boys talking about boys. Though. Yeah, okay, I'm
(13:14):
totally done with poop dock right without that jungle munch,
he's got to be pretty regular. I don't take I'm
not saying I want to see her poop. I'm saying,
what if you know? Okay, here it's off the table.
This one here, I had to jos meat lovers God,
and I haven't had any water for a week. Let's
see what happens on. So you don't have the iguana palace. Yeah, okay,
(13:36):
that's what you want. All right. Let's see here and
there from one week. Uh, let's do the last couple
of weeks. Yeah, last couple of a couple of weeks.
What do you want me to start? All right? Fine,
you don't hold two weeks ago Tuesday, six pm, and
I'll make it rain. Okay, No, we don't need it
wasn't raining, alright, alright, to leave the rain app here
(14:01):
we go. Wait a minute. That that's that's the new uh,
the new maintenance guy. Philip Green. Philip Green, This has
audio a little bit, can you up? Yeah, it's just
gonna be a louder squeaks. But can we slow the
audio down of course when we're gonna hans it? Yeah,
all right, let me zoom in on the audio, all right,
(14:23):
commure like want getting my big bink? Come? Need want
to get big Bitause? Holy ship? Is that how he sounds?
That's a bizarre voice a voice, but we caught him.
Now do we bring this information to Dolly or should
we put a camera in her shower? Okay, hold on,
(14:45):
hold hold on, hold on? What was going on? Just
guys stealing lizard that's what it seems like. Lizards, but
not just lizards, but a lot of things. Sad. I
don't want to go in. I don't want to You're fine, okay, Yeah,
I don't want all right, so I'm just gonna went
to alone. All right, fine, okay, randall just watch then
(15:08):
jeez coming down down. Okay, everybody back up, back up,
and stay away from anyway. I don't want to be
here anymore than you guys don't want me to be here. No,
you can talk. Oh, I'll keep your force down, keep
you forced. Okay, it's just me. What do you want
(15:29):
to bring any food? I don't have any food. I'm
just a ten year old. What you have a phone? Yeah,
but I don't have a lot of pat So you're
you're a ten year old cares a phone with no food.
Believe it or not, all kids have phones these days.
How long have you guys been in jail? We need
to go. No, this is a track phone. I can't
take a picture of Okay, okay, now she follow me
(15:51):
this way. Folks, the but bo is the most highly
sexual of primates. Well, I often resolve disputes via mutual masturbation.
There's there's a person in there. Okay, I think that's
just one of the banobo's. They nearly looked like that.
They're very The one that looks like a person is
(16:12):
taking a picture of those other ones doing this. Okay,
I don't have time to look in the enclosure. I've
got to look at my tour group right now. It's
taking a picture of the circulture. Okay, I got good
pictures of whatever you guys are doing. Okay, I hope
(16:33):
they were. So what's up McDonald's. I promise all right now,
how I'll drink the enclosure? You know what it was? Really? Uh?
It was weird. It was weird, Dad. Luckily I closed
my eyes didn't see anything but the pictures that I took.
I lost my phone and I need well I got
(16:54):
my phone back. I don't know if I should Okay, hello,
what do you mean? Hold on? What do you mean
you don't know if you should? Like he hang up
that phone right now? Like, why aren't you decison? Dad?
I just all I said is I didn't want to
you tell me what to do. Now you take a damon, Randy.
Do you pick up that phone if you want to,
you do it with confidence. Can I have a private
(17:15):
phone call? Of course, you're muff dad. Hello, how did
you calling from? Stand us? Those pictures? Okay, I'll send
it right now. I'm so hard to give him your
email to tell me mail. I don't, Gail, this is
(17:43):
my trash one. Okay, Well, can I just guess that?
Then your gmails the first parts the same. It's just now, Dolly.
I know that this family that's suing the zoo because
of the kid being harassed by the banoba, it's taking
up most of your attention. But we do have Philip
Green cut blatantly on this camera stealing, and I don't
(18:05):
have time for this right now. I'm being sued. Okay,
the zoo is being sued. You know what. I am
the zoo at the end of the night. You're not
the zoo. Oh my god, I've been eating so jungle monk.
I think you look great. My pants won't even buckle.
What is that? I can't I have to wear my
right just shirt out. Oh my god, the stress of
(18:28):
this it's like you want to take your pants off.
I'd love to take my pants off if it wasn't inappropriate.
My thighs now stress of this mixed with my jungle
Minks recipes honestly pushing me over the edge right now.
And so what do you bring into my attention? Philip Glass?
Not Philip Glass. It's a minimalist composer. Rated I do
(18:54):
what Philip class could do. I've done it on like
co Scotsy. But let's who doesn't coyon the sculpting. But
there's schools of other schools. That is taxidermyng porcupines and
iguanas that he stole from the zoo. He's bringing them
into the break room. Oh god, please don't. I'm gonna
(19:17):
pass out. I'm wanna pass out. Can you pass the pasta? Sure?
Here you go? Thanks? So you like pasta? Yeah, it's
kind of the only thing they offer here, so yeah,
let's see eating a lot of it. Yeah, are you
shaming me? Okay, just curious why that's the only thing
(19:38):
you eating. What's what's the hot thing here? The hot thing? Yeah,
there's not a lot of hot dishes here. If you
had the bananas, that's not hot. I'm not gonna have
a hot banana. How about the yogurt? That's not I'm
not gonna have curdled milk. Can I get you guys
any hot bananas to tap you up? There's happening now,
I'm fine, Thank you. You're the new guy. Huh. Yeah,
(19:59):
I'm not really a fan. I'll just bring my lunch
from now on. Sure, Okay, this is an awkward This
is very awkward to see that guy. He keeps on
bringing these animals out. Am I playing with them like
they're like plastic dinosaurs, but hired together. I swear he's
also that guy that guys, those are really animals. I
(20:21):
swear to God. Why do you swear to God? Because
I believe in Christ? Okay, but can I get you
guys anything else? Yeah? Can we get some more pasta? Please?
Kind out about us. I was recommended through the zoo
come to come down to the lunch room. That's where
(20:44):
we are. I know this is not as a boy,
but I do have some complaints about the employee lunch room.
I'm listening talk about food, right, Okay, I'm busting out
of all my cars. My loafers seems are popping because popping. Well,
(21:08):
let's stop eating the munch. Okay, I can't stop eating
the munch in the middle of all these crises. Sorry,
we've got a smuggler. Okay, guys, we have an issue
right now. It's a code red. Philip Green is in
the cage with the But what are they? How are
they go? What they called? But no? Shot? Right? Me too? Anyway?
(21:30):
Where'd you come from? Anyway? Right now? And he's threatening
to kill one live in front of all the people,
and stop it right here, we gotta go. I'm gonna
have to take my clothes off and run. Holy ship,
Oh my gods, that monkey. Get this? This is this
is my business. This is totally totally I can only
(22:03):
do Did we get that? Did we get that on videotape? Yeah? Yeah,
so I mean right now, okay, I had four handfuls
of sunflower seeds, and then I had about two pounds
of soft oatmeal, and then I just was just another
(22:26):
one of your poop video. Yeah, what are you asking for?
Dolly was running topless through the zoo. Did you not
get it? No? I'm not all right? She are What
goes wrong with the Why would you do that? I know?
I just told you. I am not all right, what's
going on? Okay, I don't know what's going on? All right,
I'm done talking to you. I'm gonna go see this
bloody mess, all right. I'm gonna go to the cafeteria
(22:47):
and get some cold pastaana. That's scene one cold one
scene to come from a fan whose name was somehow
misplaced in my process of copy and pasting emails into
my prep work. My apologies. If you hear this and
recognize your hand you work, please write to us again
(23:08):
at your name here at I can be this dot
com and I so that I can give you a
proper thank you. This fan wrote, good day, my friends.
You are all fantastic, lovely people. I don't care what
those other people say. You are all aces in my book.
A scene suggestion for you all today is a legendary
actor named the Hen wins another Academy award, but soon
(23:31):
realizes his entire world is collapsing all around him and thanks,
and the Oscar goes to please, please, please, please please
please place third time in the last four years, the
great okay guy, I want to make a speech. I've
(23:52):
done my first three good ones, so this is one.
I'm just gonna improvise. I want to think, well, let
me think here the first one, I thank god, I
think my mom want to just speak. You get with
a speech by one of the one and God's license
on the oskar and thanks mom? Can I put the honey? Yeah?
(24:18):
Well it was the funny thing about your so captain speech.
Well I figured that, you know I didn't thank you mother.
I did the first three times. Did you think your
mother thank you for six years a year life? I know?
And I thank you three three times ago. Thank you
for running my body, taking my youth walk walk walk
(24:39):
walking away with half of mody and they youre just
tappen out after three thank you? You know I regret
it now? How can I make it up to you?
Give me my hair? We're going about give me my hair. No,
you don't have to put this hair on to go
out do what it was to fancy ask you as
when we see with the oh, hey it's the hen
(25:02):
picking up his dry cleaning. Yeah, give me one sec.
Chains are up. Wow, it's that one, right, I can't
really seem to find it right now. No, it's the
it's the one with the Paisley tied behind you. Because
I can find the other the other articles of clothing
where people are gracious enough to acknowledge the hard work
we do in this I don't even know your name.
(25:27):
The five minutes or less dry cleaner. Yeah, yeah, okay,
I just need a couple of couple of suits. Okay,
a couple of pairs of shorts okay, and uh ten
shirts lightly starts, it's my turn. I got pants. A
good two shot coming right there, coming there? You are,
you have a good day, listen. I don't I don't
know your name. I know what you're getting at, and
I am sorry that I from I'm like, it's so
(25:53):
talented you. I enjoyed your last two pictures, not the
one before. But that's what it is. Well, I'm trying
to get better, and I guess it's in a good trajectory.
If you could sign it to my mother in law,
to your mother in law, not for you. Glad is
so she's the fan. No, she's the one that wants
you to write. Okay, I would like a selfie. Can
we take a picture together? Yeah? Can you leave? You're
(26:16):
too busy now. He just won't get my clothes back.
Maybe he'll take pure Yeah, would you mind stumpy taking
a picture of me and the heat. Baby, listen, I
love everything you're doing. Okay, it's me that's a problem, alright.
But word on the street is just a fan. You
can't do that. You just want to ask her. Now, look,
the deal with DreamWorks is tanking. Okay, why you're attitude
(26:37):
not mine? That game? The salvagees thinking, but I'm not
a plumber. Could somebody get my mom some shoes out
the TMZ? Al right, guy, So here's what we got.
We got the heat. Now he's at the Americana England Dale.
It's like, okay, he's walking out of leave watch. I'm
gonna slow this down. Here there's a little kid who
(26:58):
wants a hug and good look at what he does
right here. Oh just the just the kid bump them
hip check. I'm saying, I'm gonna rewind this again. Check
this out. And I got a video of the little
kid talking after the hip check. Let's take a look
it used to be. That's so sad, so sad. Another
(27:23):
video Kanye West. He's jumping in the water and he's
trying to look for fish. Let's take a look. Okay,
well you got a lot got wow. Look if it
isn't the heat, Welcome back to Jacoby's acting studio where
it all began for you. I appreciate check off is up. Okay, listen,
(27:50):
I just need to kind of revamp my stuff. I
feel like I lost my purpose. Got some Academy awards.
Exactly the moment you begin to look, can I get
two beckets? Got it up? You know the moment, the
moment you first accepted that first Academy award. That is
the moment when you begin to plummet as an artist. Really, really,
how did I get next too? Because you sold out
(28:14):
this Larry. The class is ready, okay if you want
to bring I do as a matter of fact. So
I'm gonna bring you into a beginning Are you sure
I can't go to intermediate or advance? You're not. You're
not going to take the class. You're here to watch.
I can't even take the need to watch one scene
between two beginning actors and see if there's a couple
of things maybe you can pick up on something that
(28:35):
you need for your craft. You want me to audit
a beginner. Ladies and gentlemen, you all know the heat.
I don't really watch films or television. That's my boys.
But you're aware they exist. Sure you care, Leonard? Okay,
So speaking with Leonard and Sylvia, they're gonna be doing
(28:57):
a scene from e n Escos line. Oh my god,
I'm not worthy. Okay, so let's go ahead and take
it from line line h damn it. I can't do
(29:19):
this anymore. This is driving me crazy. Cuckoo cuckoo, Bob,
this is driving me crazy. Line scene hean, what do
you think? Well, first of all, while commitment, that's a
lot of commitment. I'm not familiar with the piece, but
I feel like the story from the theater. I don't
(29:40):
do a lot of theater stuff. Oh I'm sorry. Is
that offensive to you guys? It's a bit offensive. Well,
I need to get back to your roots. Bro. Do
you guys think maybe I could? My god, my god,
I never thought i'd see that. He and walked through
these humble doors again. Here it is Martet County, Kentucky.
He's see me. Holy my Claire, John, Hell my god.
(30:08):
The years have not been kind of thank you very much,
But you still got those pretty eyes and that beautiful
soul that throat. Yes, I do. It's a it's a hole.
In my throat, was a smoker in my youth. You
have an extra hair, uh fat, I do keep it
(30:31):
in my shoe. Here you go, thank you. Anny, go
here and fix it? Now? What are you doing here?
He needs to find himself. I'm sorry, I'm I'm done. Yeah,
I'm sorry. But honestly, my mom's never gotten along with
anybody quite as well as you. You seem to like
her a lot. Hey, this is about you, not about me,
and you're my father. I appreciate that, and I never
(30:55):
thanked you for anything. I'm here to make things right.
Thank you. I didn't either. I didn't either. I'm not
entirely sure. This is kind of a surprise to my mom.
Wanted to put her on the spot in this moment.
Is this is? This? Is we as the group? Am I?
(31:17):
Where where are we in this? In this feeling journey
that you're on? Dad? Are you Dad? I am your father?
Thank god? Wow? Here we are right TMZ. We got
some new footage of the heat actually saving an old
lady from falling into a well. Yeah, things are changing
for the Yeah, Jessica, maybe Jessica, So I guess things
(31:41):
are going okay with the heat. Good. That's good. Uh,
pants up, blaz pants up? All right? Hey, hey, hey,
how's it going? But it's going good. I really need
that Paisley tie and the bingo bengo. My god, thank
you sucks up. And hey he's on the house. Really yeah,
I'm on the up and up. I have a good day.
(32:02):
Thank you. I'm looking for my socks. I put a
sock and oh my god, oh my god, you shop,
Oh my god, oh plague. Let go my hair. I
jumped into this well for regent. You can. Yeah, I'm
(32:23):
gonna pull you out of this. It's worth living for.
Come on out. Hey you thank you so much. Why
did you grab me by the hair? Well? It was
the only thing I could get a good grip off, right,
and well it turned out well you didn't lose it
and in your life, fair enough. But I wasn't planning
(32:44):
on living through the do you grab me? You were
trying to kill yourself. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean
to say. It's so wow. What I watched somebody's I
was just in the field, but I overheard something pretty disturbed. Hey,
that's against the law. I can't that's an old woman.
(33:09):
And then the nominees for Best actor, are come, Come, come,
Kanye West for Gone Fishing? Wow? Yeah, okay, Denzel Washington
Training Night, Okay, Horace Delonzio for In the Dark of
the Moon Anthony Hopkins and before Well Story the Heat,
(33:41):
and the Oscar goes to hold on, hold on, hold on? Yeah, sorry, sorry, guys,
how do I look? What the hell's happened? He just
walked up? This is it too much? Is it too little?
Who is that I'm presenting? Best Actor? I just want
to know if it's just going out live? You look great?
(34:04):
You know? What do you mean? What are you hoping
to hear? Because I'm just holding that amble. But they're
like an idiot. Okay, sorry, sorry, okay, good luck, And
the Oscar goes to hold on, hold on a second. Yes,
the shoes. What do you think? Huh? What do you
think of the shoes? I don't think they're I mean
they go in the dark Camera three show what's happening
in the wings? They go in the dark? Hunt got
(34:25):
somebody a little more upscale? I mean really kind of
like a bro fashion moment. What's happening? That looks good? Yeah?
They're fine? Yeah, who's the guy in the zoot suit?
And the Oscar goes to for the fourth time in
the last five all Right, first of all, big thing,
(34:48):
this is super important, mom. Thank you. He's giving the
speech from his seat, thank you, and then the all right,
I'm gonna let you finish like finish. Oh no, one
of the greatest performances of all time. I'm gonna I
need to take my cleaning. You're playing cone, Connie, please
(35:13):
come over here. How do I look? Fabulous? Man? Thank you?
Than Where do I get a pair of those serious?
You just go on Amazon, gonna take curious? Oh yeah,
you can't take yours, sir, amazing. Dong thank you? Thank you?
You say dog or dong dong? Oh, thank you, thank
you again? Dog or dong dong thank you, thank you?
(35:37):
Mix up best animated shorts but damp welcome back. We've
got the heen today a four time Oscar winner. Uh man,
oh man. What do the other actors think that are
in your category these days? Do they think they have
a shot? I mean, you're just unstoppable. I've really like
(36:00):
they think that I've somehow rigged the system. I get
a lot of dirty looks for Anthony Hopkins. Yeah. Follow
up question regarding the system Some say that it's a
quality performance. Others say you made some sort of deal
with the devil, like maybe you're using his taint as assault.
Like god, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no,
So that didn't happen. That did not have That rumor
(36:22):
is online. That rumor is incredibly inaccurate. There is not
a shred of truth. So no deal with the James Satan. Listen, uh, James,
It's just I know, it's just a part of the
deal was that people wouldn't know. This takes some of
(36:44):
my thunder away. Let's talk more. Look, I just I
feel like part of the deal should be that it's
our secret what we're doing. Okay, okay, okay, you're bad
with the elevating and sick the flow. That's part of
the whole thing. That's why I brought it, part of
(37:06):
the experience. Oh yeah, it's the problem. Oh then it
should be a problem. The problem should be a problem.
I should leave it alone. Yes, so are we good here?
So we're gonna we're just gonna be stuck with me
for a little bit longer. Is that right? Or I
don't know. It's okay, I gotta get out of here.
It is hot I have got to get out. Maybe
this is your guy's version of hell. What maybe his
(37:29):
breath stinks? You guys, wanna that would add to the hell.
Oh my gosh. If things start going right, that's when
you know, I gotta poop bed and you can't poop
in the elevator. But toilet, nor did you want? I'm
going all the way back down? So I got it
backed down, back and down. Hell, okay, man, I gotta
(37:49):
let this boy slide out. Oh my god, that's your gender.
Oh you know, I know it's inside me. And then
I'm a knees for the Hell Awards a come on,
come on, come on. Satan for fury, Yeah, Satan for wrath, Yeah,
(38:14):
Satan for being a meanie, and Kyle for fingernail pulling. Bamn,
I didn't get nominated and the Hell Award goes to Kyle. Wow,
this is another saying Carl, come on up and accept
your award. Carl. I'm sorry, Kyle can't be here. He's
(38:37):
mugging his skin removed, so got you? Oh okay, no,
we know Satan won all the awards. Again. Satan has
a special guest with it this. You can't see him
because his head is so far up my ass, but
(38:58):
of my ass, I got time Oscar Award winner. Oh
so um yeah, I'm sorry to say this, but are
you sorry? I gotta stop acting. Oh, don't do this,
(39:20):
I have don't do this to your mother and may.
I'm sorry, but there's no chance. I mean, you've been
out there only six years. What's the big deal. You
can't give up. I'm going to give up. We need to,
We need you to keep going a zero zone. I know. Look,
I'm gonna open up a law firm slash paint business,
and then just just go this, just do what everyone
else does. You can't pass the bar seven times you've tried,
(39:42):
Maybe the eighth time will be my ticket in right,
and then you'll open up the law shop. Yes, and
cut really nice seeing everybody, really really nice. Thank you.
You know, I was sinking to something about when I'm
signing I'm open up the paint shop and law firm
and wondering what's my drive with it? You know? Get um, sorry,
(40:03):
is this a motivation conversation? Because I could be doing something.
I think you should all listen to his motivation conversation. Frankly,
when you have any questions, I need you to always
put your gaze up to the poster of the heat.
He's the greatest living actor of our generation. What would
he do? You know, what would inspire him? And here
we go and action mom, Dad, I got some bad news.
(40:26):
What's going on? I think I'm gonna quit acting. Yeah,
it's just it's just not working out. I think when
I opened up that law firm, slash pain business. I'm sorry, Steve,
you said actors don't you'll cut. But who's he supposed
to be looking out on the scene And there's no
connection at all. That's a great question. I don't understand, Elliott.
I can't believe you just did that. I was the
(40:49):
first time I felt like the cameras were actually on me.
They weren't, And I was killing it well. I was
trying to say both of us a little bit of time,
were you? Thank you? Patriarchy? I love I see what
you know? How much he's making for this movie? I do,
I see what's going on? How much? Because I don't
know it's an unfair wage. Look, none of us here
are the heat no, And I think we're all suffering
(41:11):
a bit because of that. We all feel like we're
laughing with the man Man, he's the world's greatest might
he did one movie with him? It was great. Thank
Our story was from testing to see the reason the
movies great though, just signing that it was a collaboration
of efforts, is anyway we can get more Brits to
take our jobs. By the way, television theater, there's sucking
(41:35):
clotted cream crafty. Okay, don't love it. Lady and gentlemen,
you look familiar. No no, no, no, no, no, no,
you do. But what do I know you're from? It's
probably just we've shot at the same Ralph's or something
like that, which Ralph's shop Lincoln on in Venice. I
(41:59):
was in the movie The Well, The Well. It was
a pretty popular What do I know you're from? Well,
I've gotten three oscars? You guys want to happen. I'm
not with this person. Actually, please don't sit here. Hey,
can you tell me how you were about us through
the zoo? Okay, got it. It's the only option at
(42:21):
the zoo. So that's why I'm eating here, and that's
why we were all here piping up. I was just
sitting by myself. Really, you should just go for the
spaghetti because everything except that is disgusting. I gonna be honest. Uh,
you were the heat, right? I am the heat? Um?
I mean I knew who you were. Okay, well why
(42:43):
did you play coy? I don't know. Well, honestly, somebody's
going to be sitting in that seat soon, so is it. No,
it's my mother, and if she sees you sitting here,
it's gonna be weird for both of us. Well, best
eluct man. I hope, hope everything. What's your favorite movie?
Who is this? Cloud? Mom? This is just this is
(43:04):
just what? Who is it? I didn't ask his name yet?
Who are you which? Trying to have a private conversation?
You could abc your way out of it. Okay, well
look I just wanted to uh pretty face. Well thanks, No, Mom,
this is just this is my fan. I'm not a fan.
I just okay, he said, But I said, lap okay,
(43:30):
please don't mom. I got some bad news about your daddy.
We don't share this here. It's okay. He stuck in here.
He doesn't mind what happened. What happen that he invited
me back to a homestay, that that he's going to
go on a journey self discovered it just to introduced
me to this man that we've known that he was right?
(43:52):
Are you your father? Apparently he was surprised to all
of us. We have a hot and every three months
my son. Meanwhile, I was filming. What were you filming?
It was doing that is something or other. I come
back to get my wigs. I don't even he don't
even call me twice. This my my my dad father.
(44:17):
I'm on the market. I hate him. I like you.
Let's do the math. Where's the banana? Don't order the
ho banana please, mama. I'm on, damn. Do you want
to get out of here and see some banoba's? Yeah?
Those are freaking ones, right, honey. Yeah, they're the craziest
sucks in town. That drop him there. Our final scene
(44:50):
today comes from Andrew in the UK, who wrote, Morning Alchemist,
thank you for being my go to podcast when it
needs something to make me laugh. I haven't scene suggested.
Experienced wedding photographer becomes increasingly impatient with the helpful shots
suggestions from the bride and groom. Sincerely, Andrew from the UK. Okay,
so this is like a jungle background. If I could
(45:11):
just set you guys in front of it for starters. Uh,
that would be great. Okay, we trust you. Yeah, well
it's great. That's what you're paying me for. Okay, Um,
deborrah is that right? Okay? If you want to stand,
if you want, that's probably more professional. If the bride
could stand closer to the grooms for the shot. Oh,
(45:33):
we want to have a little bit of space. We're
making the mistake, sorry, Chris the groom. Ye little space
between this place. Yeah, just a little space. Sure, absolutely,
whatever you two want, that's what we'll do today. Okay.
I mean what we want might not be what we get.
I think we've that's exactly what's happening here. I agree
(45:54):
something we agree on. You don't always get what you want.
I believe that was the rolling stuff. Yeah, yeah, I
can't always get what you want, that's right. Ain't always
going to get what you want? Can you take the phone? Sure,
here's what I want. Ain't gonna get it? I think
that might be. Yeah, here's what you want I ain't. Yeah, okay,
(46:15):
what song is that? It's just one of my songs.
I like you guys both know it all right, big smiles.
It's my day, it's my day, it's your smiling I'll smile. Okay,
now if I you do to look at each other
just gets into each other's just look for not doing
(46:36):
that one bridegroom, brideer groom, what do you mean, bridegroom?
We're not getting married? No no, no, no no, what're
not getting married? Were kind of friends and we're gonna
let us from wecame his friends and we're leaving his friends.
He's not I'm paying anything for this wedding. I mean,
he's a honey. What is there a cocktail our? Because
(46:59):
there cocktail? Where did the Brighter group? Which who do
you know? Out about? Fifteen years ago? Again? But not
to die? You have an invitation? No? Sorry, I'm is
awso there? Would you mind grabbing it so I can direct? Yeah,
(47:23):
we had her car valet, so it's like we don't
have it next to us. But we well we're with
thee but we're not together with the group. We're definitely
with the group with the groom. Okay, sir, you understand
your daughter is just difficult to be around. Hum, but
(47:43):
you did get her pregnant right, correct me if I'm
wrong having a baby, you got me there. It just
feels like there should be more we don't like each other.
Did you guys like each other when you got married?
Of course we did. Okay, Well, we got to know
each other better, loved each other. Sure, Sure, And I
appreciate you putting the bill on this. I mean, you're
(48:05):
obviously a very wealthy man. I made a bang for
the damn thing. Remember as well, I have the damn thing. Yeah, no,
I know, it's just what are you guys talking about? Oh,
you look so pretty. You shouldn't be into the same room.
It's fine, we've already seen each other to each other. Hey, Hey, hey, Debbie,
I was just saying that this is a bummer. This
(48:28):
is a real fucking bummer what we've got everybody here.
We paid for the damn thing, we might as well
do the damn thing. Is that really the attitude that
you want your daughter to have on our wedding day? Look,
we paid for the best photographer. He's done so many
jungle shoots over the years, and uh, I want to
(48:50):
get it. I want to get a shot of of
every own. We'll get your parents, and we'll get Deborah
and me and Mrs carlus Good and uh and everybody
from the wedding party, all right. Can we get her
absolutely sorright the straights? I am you're kind of running
this thing. Can you get all of our family members together?
(49:12):
We're gonna take a one big group photos actually just
had I don't one can gather by the fountain, but
just something to talk to you about. What are you
talking to him about? You could talk to both of us,
I understand, but there's a couple from from his side
that I thought he should be aware of. God, your people,
it seems that one of your family members or friends
has brought ketch up into his coat pocket and he
seems to be eating it out of his coat pocket.
(49:32):
Just just so you know. I thought it was butted first,
and I alerted the e MT. But it was just
so you know what. I don't want to get cut.
I don't want me to see him he saw you.
We've better drink it all here. I'm feeling those old
flames again. We should. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We're taking
(49:55):
a group photo. Um you here, you have some catchup talk.
That's fancy up, that's fine's lipsick, that's fine. Uh bunsive
nors lips. It's on your cheek. So you should just
know that it's because we kissed. Because the way you
(50:19):
talked to us earlier, you get his thinking. Maybe we
do let each other. Maybe there's something there off By
me asking you what side of the bridal party got
you guys thinking about it doesn't matter. We are taking
a group photo. We're doing it right in front of
the church. So just come out there. You should see
right by the line enclosure right to the right of that. Okay,
(50:40):
all right, thank you, give me a score. So okay,
everyone just like jungle background set up. That's how we're
talking to me. What's going on the jungle. I'm getting
somebody why jungle because I feel like in the jungle
you can get lost, you can be free, and I
feel like maybe that's what you want. This guy we're
shooting in danger black Ryno was in Tanzania three days ago.
(51:02):
Thank you. Now he's here for our wedding. Roger you called,
you pick up a phone. I'm here. It's a pleasure,
my pleasure. Let's just get this thing over with. Okay.
By the way, I had to receive from the airfair
great to get that to you. Yeah, So if everyone
could just gather here, UM, tell me, do you matter
if we do like a funny face. I am, what's happening?
(51:25):
I'm can you see me? Hello? Broke, do you mind
if we do a funny phase? I do mind, so
let's do it. Then has a YouTube channel. She's really funny. Okay,
h Hello, let's do a funny face and then let's
do like a flash mob. Yeah. I like that. Roger
(51:48):
playing it? Roger, what's happening? Sure? Sure, sure, sure, your
your niece or nephew. Brooke is gonna friend run the
It's my friend, daddy, It's Brooke. You know, Broke, she's
the funny one. She always is. A video we all
have fifteen million views. Wow, I was in Tanzania three
days ago. Nobody so much funny? Something funny? Brook? What
(52:14):
do you think? What do you think is funny? I
clearly don't know what's in your I can throw flaces
on people's knees, Sir, put your gun down, put your
gun away, because you're goddamn head. They're with me, they're
with me, they're with me. This is your family. If
(52:37):
you have to put a word, you have to put
a word, I guess it would be family. You got
a pocket full of catch up that it's not full.
It's not full, it's and it's safe to travel with.
So listen, we need a fucking hell Mary from you.
You got it. Do your Brooke magic, you got it.
(52:58):
Pump it up, Brook. Let me know when you're reading
a right, Okay, let me get right next to you. Okay.
So everyone look at me and your your name was Duncan. Okay,
So what we're gonna do is Duncan here is gonna
take a photo of all of us, right, so and
just stay behind me. Everyone hears together, and let's all
(53:22):
just go, oh my god, everybody, Oh my god, it's fun.
I'm Duncan. Well anyway, I really like to get some
(53:42):
pictures that we can remember the wedding bike because these
ones all look like a frat party. So if you
know that, my husb Brooks stand down for the rest
of my life. Listen, I'm not in charge of Brooke.
We're paying you to take pictures, and it looks like
I'd love to take back control of the photo. Please
excuse me, everybody. Um, Debrah and I decided to do
things a little different. We're not gonna go walk into
(54:06):
the church and do the whole deal. A matter of fact,
I'm taking up the vowels that I had written rideously.
I'm ripping them up before you. I have some new
things to say, and I'm gonna say him. Now, stop him.
I hired staying to the ceremony. Send them back. I
just first I gotta thank Brooke. Where are you? You're
(54:30):
so funny? And that beat? Yeah, I just make that.
I know you did, and it sparked something. It reignited
the feelings I had when I first met you at
that bar. Million views already and we had a one
night stand, you got pregnant, we're getting married. That usually
(54:52):
does not make for a happy circumstance. But then I
added a little beet bop boop to my soul, and
I can see a future with you, Debbie. I can
see one with you two. And we're having like this
big party with all of our friends. Thank you, Dad,
Thank you Roger sting Um. They don't want to use you.
(55:15):
To mean that they don't want to use you. What's
that use me? Yeah? I mean well as they you
know they're gonna do. You mean, I don't need to
go on because that would be aces with me, right, Yeah, yeah,
that that's no show. The groom just decided. Well, the
agents order to receive the check, so I don't really care.
I'm sorry to time. I'm the bride's agent. There's a
(55:38):
young YouTuber named Brooke who would love to do a
skit with you for her channel, right, and we yeah,
your name? You want to bring her in? Seventeen million
subscribers sting calling me fascinated, All right, bring her in? Hi?
Hi are you Brooke? I am Brooke. Oh my god, Julian,
(56:02):
Oh my god, how are you call me? Whatever you like?
This is crazy? Oh my god. There's so many sandwiches
on that plat. I have a sandwich, love, you could
use one. Thank you about unds. I'm only three too, Okay,
I don't know what that means my height. So I
was thinking years old. No, no, I'm only three too.
(56:23):
So what I'm thinking is that thank you. So what
I'm thinking is how did you get on to YouTube? Well?
I took a video with my phone and then I
uploaded it and then hold up down by writting this down.
So you took a video with your phone? How does
that work? You just hit record and then I uploaded
(56:43):
it and then your phone need to be on yeah,
all right? And then I got sponsored by fashion Nova,
and then I got emotion who I got sponsored by
fashion Nova, and then that's it? Okay, and then what
were we doing? So I was thinking we could do
something really funny. Come, let's have sexually in this room.
(57:04):
Yeah you might remember this. We got married and you
played at our wedding fifteen years ago. Of course I remember,
were still together. Oh yeah, let's have sex in this room?
Was sex in this room? Oh? Hi? Broke? Hi? What
(57:26):
was this? Your skit broke? No? Well no, I was
thinking we can do that. Everyone was gonna fucking you
and I were gonna talk Mrs Kiver, let's have sex
in this room, okay, romany I was told that I'm
not performing, and yet you're all coming in. Well, we
still love it, if you say, because I can full
(57:47):
fact of the hotel. No no, no, no, no, we're
bad for you to hang around. It's gonna cherk off
in this room, just gonna check off. What the hell
you are? Sorry? Mate? On the way in, you would
talking to yourself, Yeah you go, ch off. I was
looking for the curtains and your hand was down your
(58:09):
pants on your dick was hard. There's one thing I
learned today. It was being a groom, A reluctant groom.
Is that whoa earlier I was reluctant, so were you?
I was too, But I don't like it when you
say it's fair enough. But here's what I learned that
there's no more need for judgment. If you want to
(58:29):
jack off, if you guys want to have sex, if
I want to make love to my wife and you
and my baby while Sting sings us a song my
body and my body. Now the show is back on?
Is that what I'm marrying? And I like you got
stark wal you do right? Right? I love this thing.
(58:54):
That's great. Appreciate also you yourself thing. It wasn't easy bad? No?
You know? Is it a verb name I tried to
rename mussel? No, but I wanted to take them home.
What was it? Slap? Let's give it a go, hey, slap?
How's it going good to see your slape? Th right?
(59:18):
I mean, I feel like slap works for you. It
didn't look much like a slap to me. And what
was your name? Mate? Names jan John John? That fits
you because it's forgettable. Do you know what I mean?
You know what I mean by the way I like
(59:39):
everyone to know that they're all getting a DVD. I've
I've heard the best videographer in the business. He used
to do security for the zoo. So me roaming around
but oh wow, yeah I was. I was wondering y'all's camouflages. Neat. Yeah,
it was the next year in the party zone and
you were taking the biggest step ever heard. You're gonna
(01:00:01):
see a lot of pleasure. That's our true Thank you
all for listening and joining us here. Remember if you'd
like your scene suggestion turned into that yet your name here?
Give me this dot com Joey Greer, thank you so
much for being here. Happy to be all right. Thank you,
(01:00:22):
and folks can find you on the interwebs. Jeffy Greeber,
I don't know what that means. James Any, thanks for
having me back again. Oh gosh, it's great to be welcome. Hey,
did you have a good time it sketch fest in
San Francis. God, it was the best sketch fest I've
ever been. That's pretty great. Yeah. I mean a lot
of people showed up, but I don't guess we should
thank them first. Thank everybody who came and saw us.
(01:00:44):
It made us feel really good to have a packed
house to perform at the punchline. And honestly, that was
the first time I've gotten to be in the presence
of you doing stand up. Uh, you did an awesome
job opening the show. Oh my goodness, was that What
that was? I mean, it was awesome. Welcome back to
wing in it. None of that was None of that
was written. The joke that I called myself out on
(01:01:06):
for being a forty one year old joke was in
fact at one point written, but forty one years ago.
Yeah that my grandfather worked on the Golden Gate Bridge,
gave his life, uh not while working on the bridge
back then. If he didn't have a toll, they shot you. Yeah,
it still works for you one years later. But thank you.
And now you're you're seeing me to sit down. Craig Kakowski, Kakow,
(01:01:27):
that was so much fun. San Francisco one of the
top five sketch fests I've ever been, five or five
or six, I'd say, at Kakowski on Twitter c A
C K O W S k I at c. Kikowski
on Instagram c C A c W S. But that's
the raggling Dash and Chip Butter dot Com yeah, go
(01:01:47):
check it out. We got all sorts of stuff. We're
gonna do a lot of great things this year. It
was good be nice to each other. Yeah, please be nice.
Don't forget that part. Christoperun Yeah, man, so much fun.
I'll so. I just love the art that everyone's sending
our way to all my grasp It's it's like flattering
and exciting and all of it all at the same time.
(01:02:08):
So let's keep doing that, please. Yeah, we'll so inspired
to do so posting it to we We love our
fans um contributions in a big, big way. Good point.
Let's thank our producer and engineer of the stars, Mr
Doug Babe, and the fine folks that I heart media.
We're loving you. I'm Kevin. Probably your house until next time.
(01:03:00):
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