October 25, 2018 • 47 mins
A Concierge at an upscale hotel goes WAY beyond the pale while fielding calls and dealing with guests. A gang has gathered in London, England, to discuss their next heist. Things go sideways real quick at the wake of a fallen officer. Same could be said during the reading of a wealthy man’s will…
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to alchemy this. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes
that Kevin Pollock. What's that You have a script for
me to read? I'd love to, but first this. Over
the years, I've been damn hell lucky to see my
fair share of true alchemy. By definition, alchemy is when
a person creates something through a seemingly magical process. And
(00:24):
my dear ding dongs and ho hoes, Like I said,
I've been witnessed to the stuff on several occasions. An example,
you ask sure if you're gonna be a horse's ass.
Let's see. Uh, here's one. The names math Ou and
Lemon may sound like the fresh fish of the day
to you, but every day on the set with those
two meant studying at the feet of great alchemists. But
(00:45):
I digress, folks. Not too long ago the idea hit me.
What if I brought together the right creative people and
ask them to make shut up based on my own twisted,
demented ideas that offered it as a podcast of this
seemingly magical process, And what if I called it alchemy?
My boy, you don't look a thing like me. Well,
after months of tinkering, I'm so very proud to welcome you,
(01:07):
dear friends, to Alchemy this. Let's meet our group of
alchemists now be in no particular order. Say hello, Mr
Craig Atkowski. Craig, tell the folks a little about yourself.
Oh hi, Kevin h fancy running into you here. It's
really crazy at this Alchemy lab. Boy, my My theater
just permanently closed its doors this week, so it's good
(01:29):
to have that next gig lined up already. Thank you
for sharing. Next up, the unfairly talented Vanessa Raglan Vanessa,
what's the last dream you remember? I actually took a
little morning nap and uh. The dream was that they
moved the trash cans at my apartment complex to directly
in front of my door, and it felt extremely personal. Yes,
(01:50):
quite the affront. What would a super team like this
be without Mr Chris Alverado, That's what I asked myself, Chris,
what's on your mind? Daddy? Hydration? I think hydration is key.
Thank you for that, and of course, why not include
the super freak Mr Joey Greer gris Stir What is
your effinity? You know? I don't know. I'm still trying
(02:13):
to figure that out. But through a process of meditation
and high interval training. I think I'm figuring it out. Okay,
good luck last, But to hell with you if you
think him last. Mr James Keeney, can I call you
Jimmy Jack? My name's not Jack, but you can call
me whatever you want. I just feel lucky to be
in a room full of such talented people, and you
(02:34):
certainly should. Okay, let's get to our first scene, shall we.
Let's just jump in. We take you now to a very,
very upscale hotel in Denver, Colorado. The hotel concierge has
the task of juggling phone calls from the gas. I understand,
(03:00):
I understand. I will get those flowers to you right away.
Thank you so much. Hi, concierge. Uh huh h, excuse me,
excuse me, yes, help you listen. My wife is due
in seventeen minutes. Wait, seventeen minutes. I can call it. Run.
She's gonna be here in seventeen minutes. I have a
(03:22):
very bad gift for my wife. Oh, I can help you.
I killed my wife's mother. Sir, sir, look at me,
look at me right in the ice. Okay, I will
take care of this. This is my job. It is
my pleasure to serve and to be of service. Give
(03:43):
me the gun here. I just need something, okay, need me?
Well here start with this. Here's a cucumber water. Thank
you a God. There's base with it. Two. That's good,
that's right. I'm going to take the prints off of
this gun, and then I'm gonna tell you about a
wonderful oyster bar. That sounds great, but but the oyster
(04:04):
bar isn't going to be a gift from my wife.
She's gonna be here, ring, ring, ring, ring, part of me.
One second, Hello, concierge, This is Marvin mqugh in fourteen twelve.
Hi Marvin. There's no CBS on the television, Marvin. There is.
It's just not the normal channel that you're used to
at your home. CBS is channel two at home, it is.
But here with our sad, I'm look at a channel
two now and it's a guide telling me about the
(04:26):
hotel lobby. That's right, Marvin. So so CBS here, like
I said to you before, I want to watch in
c I s understood, and that's on channel two O
two two O two. Well how do you get there? So?
Are you having your remote? I can put I. I
see the button. It says channel. Yes, so if you're
at two, you can also hit it two hundred times.
(04:47):
I think that might work. Actually, Marvin, give it a shot. Okay,
but didn't C. I I like to watch it live.
It's right. I don't know if it's fully like. I
don't know if you're watching a live taping of it.
I'd like to watch n C. I yes, as it's happening. Understood.
Use me. Oh, I look like an idiot with this
gun in my hand in front of your desk. Oh,
I'm sorry. Here, you can give it to me. Marvin.
(05:10):
This is Marvin mckugh in fourteen twelve. Okay, sir, what
kind of gift do you want? Yes, Marvin, I'm listening
to you. The baby would be fine. You said there's
babies here. Obviously, this picture of my my wife's dead
mother is not gonna work. If you want a baby,
look at me, look at me right in the eyes.
I'll give me one second. Hello because h hello fighting.
(05:36):
Let me say my name. I am send me macclvie
my first time when my new name were in the Honeymoons. Yeah,
did you hear that? Mr Devin mcleby. This is Devin macleby, mcallby,
(05:59):
and that is my wife you are talking to. Don't
try anything funny. We were wondering. You asked, we want
to know if you have any uh, we want to
know if you have any any turndown service. If you
know what I mean? I think, I think I know
(06:19):
what you mean is anybody can come up here and
turn it down. You know what I mean? I do not.
I do not. Well okay, so um in a layman's term,
Well that's my wife, that's my wife. Okay. We saw
that you have a big aquarium, so what we would
(06:41):
love and I didn't see it all the men, you know,
could you have someone bring us up the heel from
the from the lobby aquarium. Yeah, we're going to bring
it right back, bring it back by we well, we
bring it back before we leave. But if someone goold,
bring us up. Okay, you too, Listen to me, Listen
(07:04):
to me. Okay, this is Marvin mckugh in fourteen twelve.
I'm a guest here at the hotel. I don't know
who I spoke to earlier. I don't know if it
was you that I spoke to. You're looking for Channel two.
I'm having it. I accidentally hit Netflix. I don't want that. Okay,
(07:26):
you can hit exit, I can. Yeah, you just hit
exit on the remote. Okay, hit input because Stranger Things
is on now and I want to watch n C.
I s understood if you had I want to. I
want to see Mark Harmon solves murders there in the Navy.
That's that's yes, that's wonderful. Hit exit on the remote
and then hit input twenty two times. Okay, I think
(07:48):
I just checked out of the hotel. My wife is
gonna be here any minute. I'm standing here with a
gun in my hand. At what you need? A baby? Yeah?
How old? I mean as little as possible. So I
got a baby. You gotta what, Marvin? Just give me
(08:09):
one se gets served. I have a baby forty eight, babe,
it's old. It's all yours. I'm right now. I am
here to serve you. It's some kind of cooking show.
Give me one second. Hell concierge Hi. Yeah, we were
on hold for a little bit and then we just
hung up because no one I was talking to us,
so we didn't do anything. Yes, you wanted the eel
(08:31):
Is that correct? Yeah? We want a couple of eels
you to listen to me. This is Marvin McK in
Room fourteen twelve. HR. I'm not in right now, but
if you want to leave a message, please do so
after the beep. Do you listen to me, Marvin? If
(08:52):
you call me again with another fucking question about how
to change the fucking channel. Hello, it's Marvin mcq in
fourteen twelve. Him, Marman, it's saying that I bought a
five dollar Snickers. I didn't do that. You did? Congratulations? No,
I did not enjoy, sir. What you do with this? Baby? Mokay, guys,
what you do with this? He Marvin? If you don't
(09:15):
eat that fucking snickers? Hello, concierge, how can I help you?
I would like to have a nice place to sleep tonight.
One second? Okay, okay, This is Marvin mqugh in fourteen twelve. Hi, Marvin,
you have a guest staying with you? Oh good, I
could use some company. It's ver. What was your name, Marvin?
(09:36):
M What was your name? Toot? May? Excuse me? May
to May? Is that Wade? Is that Marvin? We're on
the party line, little baby dude. Say what you are sir?
(10:01):
Thank you for waiting. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my god,
A little miracle. Of course, that's what we do. Herencier
provide miracles. Hi, honey, I'm sorry only Oh my god,
hold on, let me put this in a bag. Oh
my god, are you earlier? Is this what time you
said you'd be here. I'm a little early. Oh my god,
I'm classic me. I hope you have something really special?
He does I do. I am the concierge. I'm here
(10:24):
to tell you what your husband has purchased for you today.
Your husband's big surprise for you on your birthday is
he killed your mother in cold blood. I have the
gun with the prince. I will have those prints printed
for you. This is this is better than an n
CIEs episode. You can hang these prints in your feel
(10:45):
free to print the print. She is dead? Was she
in a lot of pain? It's always the biggest guest
star is always the murderer. I can't. I don't know
what to say. I mean, she did know. It was
me trying to look at my eyes. Excuse me, that's
my thing. You want to look in my eyes. It'll
(11:05):
only happen if we all look into your eyes. Okay,
so do I initiate her? You can if you look
at me, I'll started off. Look look into her eyes.
When I met you, seven just doesn't feel like there
is God. I knew there was something special about you,
the way you had secrets and sharp things in all
(11:27):
your pockets. And then we got married and for a
while everything was horrible and wonderful. And today you've given
me the greatest gift you could ever give me if
you took her off the face of this planet. Thank
you so much. Happy birthday to me. Hey what's in
(11:48):
that bag? It was a baby? Yeah, yeah, I'm calling
it because there seemed to be a problem with some
of the lights and the Let me take you now
to a hideout. In this hide is the leader of
a British gang of thieves. He's about to explain their
(12:12):
next heights, which is the home vault of a notorious
mom bas Alright, you lock Clark, calm down, calm down down.
I think you should do something to sort of class
up that. It's not very nice here is it. It's
(12:34):
all very nice. It's not very nice. There's no decoration,
so it's just in the loom. There's no candles. All right, Well,
this is my mom's place. Rebecca all right, you insult
me mom again, I'll fucking knock your teeth. Come on,
(12:56):
I asked my lady. You're doing that my mom on
it's oh, come on, don't do that. Don't do that
to my lady. All right, all right, thank you bloody professionals. Alright,
what's the job man? You said? You said you've got
a lott of bangers that day around, right, so we're
gonna make a big smashing with it. Every one of
you has a specialty, right, yeah, yeah, I do nails.
(13:20):
Fucking hell, Rebecca, you did the best nails I've ever
seen this city. If your mom wants to get some
free nails here, Rebecca, all right, So we're going to
take advantage of that. We're going to set up a
fake nail salon, only do real nails, all right. It's
gonna look like a real nail salon, a real manny
petty place. Don't touch feat because they make me vomit.
(13:41):
All right, it's a real manny place. It's a manny place,
does not life feat alright. Alright, So we're gonna have
this up and running for like three weeks. All right,
get it, get a client telling, make it legitimate. We're
gonna pay taxes. All right, Wait, what's going on, mate?
We're starting a business but robbing. We are robbing someone
(14:04):
when bloody thieves. All right, all right, all right, But
in order to get the caper started, we've got to
open a many salon. Right, we should keep on the water,
we should do um. We put it in a really
good location. Um, I'd like to have like fancy ladies come.
All right. Well, oh, last time, look at where you'reing
(14:29):
from now. Last time I started a business, it thrived.
It was a small tech company. We were using it
as a front, but it ended up doing very very well.
(14:51):
All right, Well, look, Mr Velvet, we we appreciate your expertise.
We appreciate you've been in the business for a while.
Two years. Yeah, it's not as long as I was thinking,
but that's a decent amount of time. You're you're easily
the most well dressed member of the crew. Excuse you,
if you are we going to have a website, I
(15:12):
haven't thought about that. You've gotta make a website forget there?
All right. Well, that's why I brought in the new guy,
who's a web master. I've already set up something and
called Daddy if you guys want to take a look,
just take a look. Because it's mobile friendly, so it
should be formatteded mobile device. What's the website. It's www.
Snasy fingers com. Good Night. That's the name of our gang.
(15:37):
That's what I thought. What the point was, it's we're
starting a business as a front. Yeah, but there's no
reasonings that, there's no reason not to optimize our search engines.
And we say, this is why I keep Mr Velvet
around for this, this veteran expertise. Don't put the name
of your gang in the name of your website. Don't
(16:00):
do it in the U R L. Mate, don't do
it in the R at least would have been nice
before I pay. I bought this for five years. So
now we've got What am I gonna do with this
web doing it is very lucky though, that it's about
nails fingers. I mean, it's very lucky, really. So maybe
you could just change the name of the gang and
we could keep the website. We're not changing the name
of the game. That's my lady. That's my lady. That's
(16:22):
it's more very good name for a nail place. So
I've got a snazzy fingers. Roger can't talk to you
for a moment. Sure, let's go to the loop. Step
into the loop. We don't have to go to the loop.
While we're in the loop. I don't mind if you
do all right? Do you? If no, go in all right?
I gotta go number two. So known that ahead of time.
(16:45):
What a bloody ol do we? What bloody ol do
you we? Whatever Beck is making just put a whole
bay of little stuff to get and it's all just
meets pieces corn pieces is alright, alright, you should have something.
It's fantastic, is it not? A little greens? And I
talked to you for a second. Absolutely, I had a
girlfriend once. Congratulations, No, she broke my fucking heart. Oh sorry,
(17:12):
I've learned to stay away from women. Well that's too bad.
We're very fun. I disagree. What are you doing to me,
Mr velvet? I'm letting you know. You know, as soon
as my boyfriend's done taking this ship, he'll be back.
I will kill your fucking boyfriend. You understand. Anytime you
pissed me, anytime you pissed me off, I'm going to
(17:33):
take it out on him. That's not nice. But look,
it's just every time you say something means to Rebecca,
you know what I means, Like you're creating a fissure
in all relationships. I'm creating a fissure. I'm just trying
to be the leader of this bloody gang. Mate. I
respect that, mate, I respect that Mrs Being weird, Babe,
(17:54):
that Mr Velvets being weird. Just sit there and it's
all right. Now. Do I have the tape in www?
Or is it a quicker way to get to it? Honestly,
I've pretty much optimized the search engine. If you put
your own name in, it will be the top five
on Google, my own Mr Velvet, any one of our names. No,
(18:17):
you need to remove from my website immediately. We're fucking
gang members. That's what I'm saying. We've got a professional website.
But it's just like, I know, it's your mom's place.
I love your mom, been there for me from the
very beginning, you know what I mean. Practically brothers exactly. Mate.
It's like you tacking our sister who I'm sleeping with,
(18:41):
and it's like, Mate, that's blad mate. You know what
I mean, She's pretty much your sister. She's my sister. Mate.
I love you, mate, I love you. Let's bring it in.
Don't lift me up, don't lift me up. Don't lift
me up, mate. Oh look, I thought it might put
me put me back down, paying all right? Oh lord?
Oh so I have my own my own page and whatnot.
(19:03):
You can put anything you want for your biography. And
that's your picture. It's the best one I could find.
I've happily replaced it if you like. That's no, no, no,
that's yeah. That's a pretty good picture, mate. It looks good.
That's my knee. That's my knee the picture. No, no,
your hand is on my knee. That's my don't get
(19:25):
the wrong idea. What I what idea went? All right?
I can't out but over airing from the loop. But
you've got bios and pictures of us on the website.
It's no good nail menu. Alright, let's get a bloody
nail menu. Thank you. I'm sorry. I don't know a
lot about nails, but I wouldn't trust somebody to make
(19:46):
my fingers look good if I didn't know where that
coming from. Rebecca nosed a shot on about mail about
nails whatever, whatever, whatever. We've both got a different ship.
Mr Velvet whild that what was that? Mr Velvet came
out and now we're from you? Were you about to
stow free style on Mr Velvet? Just a bit of
(20:09):
a beat of oh if I must, and then I must.
It's the Mr Velvett on the fucking Mike. I'm here
to get down and commit crimes tonight. I'm with my
four mates. Can't you see fine us at w W?
What's about me? Okay, it's four of it in one
(20:29):
of me. Anytime she bugs me, I'm going to fuck
you want my professionals? Yeah, I'm a might you broke
my laptop? We'll take you now to a small bar
(20:55):
in the Bronx frequented by the local police. Tonight there's
a memorial service, so one of the brothers, I'd like
to just start off by saying that Jerry was one
hell of a good officer. Jerry was good. I mean,
there's not much better that the Black and Room could
ask than a Jerry underneath it. But behind every Jerry
(21:19):
is it? Denise. You're here, and Denise is gonna tell
us a little bit. We we might not know everything
about Jerry. He was a great condamn partner. But Denise
lived with Jerry Denise right with Jerry. Hello, Hello, Horrible
to be here under such circumstances. Horrible to eat that
ship food. Here's I don't want to fucking clean up.
(21:43):
I wipe it on my sleeve. Um. So I guess
I should say thank you all you fuckheads like my
life in like fifteen different ways. Okay, we know you
don't mean it, Denise, I don't mean it. Is not
grief talking. This is de niece talking. Okay, Okay, Jerry,
(22:06):
I'm sorry, Jerry. That was grief. That was grief talking, Jerry.
Jerry did more than die because you know what, Okay,
Jerry was an officer. Oh good, give it up for
you guys. Oh, thank you for protecting us. I know everything. Okay,
here I am and no I have not been drinking,
(22:27):
Yes I have. I don't care, okay, no, no, no,
Look at you, Look at you. You're sucking animals, all
of your animals. Okay. And you're so sad. Oh, you're
so sad. You know what. I'm sad. I'm sad for
like twenty two reasons right now. Only one of them
is Jerry. There's twenty one other reasons that you guys
(22:50):
don't even know about. Okay, no, listen, I know we
protected service what you guys say, but you don't even
do that. You don't even do that at all. No,
you don't. I protect and or serve every day. Oh
do you tell me all about that damon one or
the other at least? Yeah, I think none of the other.
I know what you all do. You gossip like little girls. Okay, no,
(23:14):
I see the emails, emails, well, like little girls. It's
Tony Marciano. First of all, what kind of hair is that?
You know what I mean? You go? Okay, Jerry was
using my computer to read your damn emails? And are
your email friends? Say, up all fucking night gossiping with
you guys. You can't read it. If it says dock
(23:37):
of you can go dock of yourself. Right now, we go,
go dock of yourself. Okay. I've been a wife. I've
been a wife in this situation for years, and all
of us, all the wives, we're getting together. Okay, yeah,
that's right, always right, because you know we know everything.
We've been reading you shitty little emails. We know that
you keep stuff that you're not supposed to be keeping. Yeah,
you shouldn't put that in the emails. Guy, mostly just
(23:59):
send a lot of gifts back and forth. Yeah, you're
roll pranking each other. The gun pranks are not funny, guys.
It's funny you put a hollow bullet and it doesn't work,
you know what I mean? That's funny when you need
to use it. Those hollow mollets are actually sometimes worse.
If that's the side point. Actually, she shouldn't be reading
the email period. You come up here, You come up
(24:20):
here and you look at my eyes and tell me
not to read the emails. Okay, because you know what,
I've been doing a lot of stuff for you guys,
right right? Who brings the donuts? Okay, Cherry, Jerry brings
two dozen donuts. Do you think Jerry got the doughnuts donuts?
You guys are animals. Okay, I still mean you stop
(24:42):
telling me, Damon. If Damien fucking tells me one more time,
I don't mean especially you, Damon. Especially you know what
you did. I know what you did with Jerry. They
made out at the Christmas party. I don't even about
that guy show time. Well it's the Christmas party, you
(25:04):
know is somebody places husband? Okay, he would talk about
you in his sleep damon, how do you think that feels.
I've been waiting all day to Jerry come home. I
try to look nice, Scarra when nice sleep. They were
partners for twelve years kissing. They should not be kissing. Jingle, Hey, damon,
(25:26):
Merry Christmas. Don't care. I'm okay, I'm okay. In the
cup game. Well, what was that, missletoe? Oh? I guess
it is? Yeah, get away from me. No, you get
away from me. But I guess, you know, I guess missiletoe.
So I guess we'll obligating. Yeah, I mean, I'm believe
(25:48):
in Jesus Christ. You know. Well, I guess we gotta
kiss a little bit. That's a real slurping one. Actually,
I mean like in a funny way, that kind good. Yeah,
I mean, if you're if we're doing jokes and whatnot. Yeah,
(26:08):
I mean, let's keep the bit going, right, I mean,
you know, follow the funny, that's what they fo. You
gotta heighten it a little bit, yeah, you know, I mean,
maybe bring it back lady. So whatever you guys said
at that party and then you started taking more improv classes,
all of you fuckheads are supposed to be protecting and
serving and yet I'm going to your shows at eleven.
(26:36):
We can get fifteen dollars and happen to buy two beers.
I gotta kid, I paid for a babysitter to go
to your shows. Were all kissing. It was a great improviser. Okay,
Jim was, but Jerry was. Okay, who was good? Jerry was?
All right? You take that back. It was all right.
I thought Jerry was great. Damon's getting off feisty over
(26:59):
this some something right now about Copro? What is it? Bobby?
All right, two guys get on the stage, whether then
they want to connect with each Other's hard to do
every day. We're depend on the pavement. We've got tools
on the belt. I'm sorry, Bobby, but I recall a
scene with you and the sage that changed my life.
I did. I remember that. I thought it was a
big deal. It was such a great scene. Man, I
(27:21):
was bullshit, dude, wasn't bullshit. It was a great scene.
I remember that scene. That was good. You guys have
some good moments. I'm not negating that. But I'm here
as a widow. Remember was that night that Kevin Pollock
was in the audience, shouted out a suggestion and you guys,
improvised up suggestions day and gentlemen, welcome to the can
(27:43):
Can Club. We got some really hot teams for you.
We got all that in the bag of chips. We
got made up on the spot, and now we have
some cop prob anybody, everybody in the audience. Can we
get a suggestion? How about from you, sir? Yeah? How
about one of you guys, Hie, One of those is
my husband, Kevin Pollocks on. My tips are terrific. The second, honey,
(28:07):
could one of you be like a therapist in a
prison and the other ones in inmate. I know that's
tough for cops to think, but something like that. Alright, alright, alright,
I'll I'll be a therapist. Hold on, we like to
talk this out really quick before we start. Just I'll
be a way stuff. Okay, you said I was a prisoner, right, yeah, alright, murder,
All right, here we go. I'm gonna play a chair.
(28:29):
Oh that works, damon? Yeah. So you know I did it,
and uh I regret it. M You know, I made
a I made a gut move I thought was I
(28:49):
thought I was defending something that wasn't even mine. You know,
I realized that now and Uh. Every day I wake
up and I feel the soul that I took. That's hilarious.
Oh do you feel good about it? No? I just said,
what's this? What's this behind your ear? As a cat?
Oh my gosh, you can't have a cat in prison.
(29:11):
And um, I want to go to sleep. I see,
I see the wounds and they get bigger. And when
I go inside the wounds, I see myself, when I
see my family, and I see what could have been
the damage I did. Oh my god. He left right
(29:34):
after that. All right, So I don't know how good
that was. You know what I'm saying. It was a
fantastic scene whatever, whatever, whatever, equal amounts moving and I'm
grieving here and you know you don't mean it to God.
I got guns too, okay. Oh, I got the emails. Honey.
(29:58):
I know who else has been kissing. You've all been kissing.
You guys lock each other in the cells and you
take turns of the emails. Everybody's kissing at night from
the weird No, it's not weird. Okay. We're trying to
get into the minds of the of the criminals kissing
(30:19):
criminals kissing criminals, and our inprov teacher says, we've got
to be more empathetic. So, but the niece, I think
we all know why it is. You're getting all loud
this need this evening. Well, my husband's dead. Love to
stay that, it's none of that. What is it that,
Mr genius? You want to do this right now? I
think I do. Okay, bring it on. I know this,
(30:43):
Oh my god, I know. Okay, yeah, hand it up.
Everybody looking at me. Yeah, we only got thirty more minutes.
Can I have another drink? Please? At the lights? Please?
I want I want to there in service. Yes, I
want a wine. Okay, we'll pink pink wine. You want
(31:05):
red and white? Jesus Christ. Want me to bring up
like a special or yeah yeah, yeah, yeah special Denise.
I'm gonna ask every man in this room to raise
that hand if they've made love to you, and we're
gonna see what's gonna happen on the count of three. One.
I'm interested too, three Jesus Christ, everyone here, holy ship
(31:29):
at all fairness. It's just if you sleep with Summer,
you've slept with everybody they've slept with, and I slept
with Jerry, so that the same thing I was going
to say I did not sleep with a sage and
I was. I'm just saying I slept with everyone. Jerry
slept with curiously through Jerry. Are we raising the hands?
If we stop with Jerry, let's do let's do that.
Let's do it one through a ready. Wait, wait, I
(31:49):
want that music and let me get that let me
get that special back. Thank you? All right, everybody, on
the count of three, raise your hand if you slept
with Jerry. I hold on, I haven't said everybody raised
her head. Everybody you don't know I did it like
a million times. Well you were his wife? Yeah, sorry,
(32:10):
I'll wait for three. No, it's okay. The experiments over.
The point is you're mad somehow. You're mad at us
because maybe you love all of us. Maybe it didn't
love Jerry. Maybe you are part of the reason why
his death was so suspicious. I don't know. It was
nothing suspicious. He died in the line of duty because
(32:31):
people out of here suspicious. We got the room. Hold
where we want. Hold on. That's Kevin polla come in,
Kevin Poll can come in? Can you sign my Willow poster?
You remember me? Hi? Hi? You sign the Kingking my husband.
(32:51):
Jerry's dead. You came to our cup prop and made
my agent for dinner. Well, we were in a kind
of a heated moment. I didn't mean interrupt. Oh. We
take you now to a high rise of office building
in downtown Los Angeles for the reading of the will.
(33:17):
M alright, gather rounds everyone. Uh, okay, I'm not sure
why I printed out copies of the will for everyone. Um,
what page are we starting on? We're gonna start on one.
We tried to save paper by doing front and back,
so we went double sided. But only half of them
(33:37):
are broken back. That's fine, I'll figure it out. Okay, Well,
I'm gonna start with with page one of the will
once again, my okay, I have it. I have it.
Please stop stop shuffling the papers trying to find which
is page one? Okay, it's got a big one on
the front. It is quite a lengthy will with a
(34:01):
lot of complicated coddessils. It's a fancy lawyer word. I
don't know that word. It's uh, you know, a coddessil. No,
I don't, Just like, how do I break it down?
Just a simple way? Can you use a coddessil in
a sentence? He just did and we didn't understand well
(34:22):
he was using the word coddessil. Guys, please, Ari, I
just want to say that our dad loved you very
much and we're very happy that it's you who's doing
He's not going to give you anything more rounding it.
I hate you all as you all know. You're your
father and husband's finances were very complicated. Ah. He had
(34:48):
a lot of a lot of pots cooking and a
lot of different places. Um. So we're going to begin
with are those the caddessils. I'm going to get to
the coddessils. Gonna start with the with the provisions, and
then we're gonna move on to the consessils. Okay, Provision
number one. Page here we go, Page one, the bulk
(35:12):
of of my home, your home. This is it's written. Well,
then read it in his voice. That's a good point. Okay,
confusing to hear two. I agree, I do do what
pretty good? Jeremiah, da Dad? Is that you? That was
so weird? That was still me? Still? Um, but it
(35:34):
gets a little lower lower, red, little puff, little gruff.
You're not going to get more teach you. Okay, this
is me Ari doing a Jeremiah voice, very very good
provision number one. Really, thank you, thank you? Do you
do any other impersonations or I do? Uh Morgan Freeman,
(35:56):
can we do you mind if well still read the okay,
thank you? Okay. The Bulk of my Home. I mean
it's okay, that's alright, I'm working, Okay, I'm gonna go
back to the Jeremiah, what do you have any others?
Or can you just get to it? Um, you're not
(36:17):
going to get more. You're not gonna get they're baiting
each other. The Bulk of my Home, Ramsey Manner. We'll
go to my lawyer. What the what the fuck? Hold
the phone? Stop disagree, I'm sorry. Stop you're on page one.
(36:42):
Stop stop no, no, no, no. It should be not
given Tory. It just says the bulk. It said that
it's going to be divided up further. But yes, excuse
me if I'm wrong. Bulk means big, that's big of
(37:02):
it goes to Ari define book big. I think it's
I don't know if it's a direct synonym. I mean
it's the big, the largest part, the big of it.
It's going to Ari. This is strange. Did you know
this is gonna happen? I'm just I'm reading this in
the moment as you guys are. I didn't want a daughter,
(37:24):
but this hurts. He definitely didn't. I'm not surprised. It
doesn't even it doesn't even sting that party. You were
the big of his problems. You're the big. Keep reading. Oh,
moving on to the cutestile, kindly fine other sections of
(37:46):
Ramsey Manner. Are we still on page one? I'll let you,
I will say, flip when we go to page two.
Other sections of Ramsey Manner, Flip. Get those people out
of here. They're part of the family. They can be here.
(38:07):
You're not going to get more. You're not going to
get more other sections of Ramsey man Back on page one.
Just back on one, back on one second, back on one.
Other sections. So we didn't flip. Other sections of Ramsey Manner. Flip.
I'm on page three, Okaya, flip your page. When I
(38:29):
say flipped, it's on the same page on the other side.
Other sections of Ramsey man What are we doing with
the cats? Are the cats gonna get tiv up about
the cats? I don't know what does cottessial mean? True
or false? We'll be divided equally among my issue? What's
his issue? What is your deal besides not wanting your daughter?
(38:51):
What was his issue? Okay, what's up, Elijah? Yeah, I
just want to Can I say something on the record?
Are can you put this on the record? Okay, this
is all being recorded, by the way, we all hate Elijah.
I'm an architect and I'm very successful. So they're mad
he designed a seven eleven and guess what it looks
like the rest of the seven elevens. That's at the point.
(39:13):
Hard to do that? How hard it is to do that.
You're like one of those people that see modern are
and say I can do that. Yeah, that's what you are.
You're a person that was never loved. I don't know
a lot about architecture, but that that's a good gig.
Seven seven eleven account, Thank you. Ari. Ari knows business.
It's more like a construction thing than architecture. You know,
(39:33):
they draw it first. You just copied what you've what
they all are. It's hard to do when I say issue. No,
this is ari as Jeremiah. When I say issue, I
mean my children. It's a fancy legally's way of seeing children.
(39:53):
And now we take it to the last Easter dinner
that they all celebrated together. That have these mash potatoes
I made? Alright, alright, don't worry. I'll eat everyone's potatoes.
Did you notice I've been getting more masculine. Yeah, I have.
I've been happy with that. The hot dogs here? He
can't you put work aside? Elijah for once? So proud
(40:16):
of this? Of course, of course? And do you have
any suggestions? Where's the slurping machine? Oh? You know where
that is? Back left? You know, I've been creating teeth
for kids born without teeth, um, and they're coming along,
awesome teeth. For keeping creating teeth for kids born without teeth. Well, Dad,
you said you wanted a son that was productive, and
(40:38):
I'm doing the best I can. I've noticed a lot
of kids were born without teeth, and I have a
three and some born without teeth. But then the teeth
grow in when well as they as they age. You
don't you don't need fake teeth. Let them be baby failure. Guys,
(40:59):
can we just say a quick grace before we eat? Yes, yes,
Elijah do I'll do it. M M. Dear God, dear God,
thank you so much for today, thank you so much
for tonight, Thank you so much for the cats that
(41:21):
I have in stable. Ben, she stopped. I don't have
a prayer. Do not stop in the middle of a prayer.
God listening. I want to say thank you to Dad,
thank you Benjie for always being there when I didn't
know where the light was. It's usually in the semi eleven.
It's like it's the whole. It's where they all are.
And I just want to say thank you Elijah and
(41:45):
what and Margot Jesus Christ. I'm glad you said it
because I was blank, right, you forget Margot um whatever.
That's not a prayer. And Tyler m hm always being
there for when we needed it, but never being there
when we didn't know. Dad again, I just want to say,
(42:10):
I know it's in the stars. We're gonna have a
hundred more Easters together. That's impossible for you, but for
me and Dad it's possible. I hate you. I hate
You're not going to get more of the mashed potatoes.
What do you mean You're not going to give me them?
Back to the reading of the will, We're on page
four CODSSIL number twenty flips. I still don't get it.
(42:37):
The cats. Finally, the cats will be donated to a shelter.
That's good. That's good. Okay, here we go. Here's the show.
Because spang and now to ring your pants is something
(42:59):
that very human being needs to do. I'm working on it.
Go ahead, Benji. Tell us how we're all terrible people,
terrible people. Tell us how you love the cats. Tell
us how you loved dad. Tell me how I'm not
gonna get anything in your babies. Don't need tea. Don't
(43:20):
tell yourself that you're the best. I am the best.
And tell Ari that you love him. Tell Ari that
you love him, Tell Ari that you love him. Ari,
I'm listening. I am. I can't say you love me,
(43:47):
can't you? Dad? Yeah, it's me. It's your dad, Daddy, Daddy, daddy, daddy.
I'm still and I know of the youth voterers would
be all over my fortune. That's right, Ari, to the
one who's dead. We hope you've enjoyed alchemy. This right
(44:14):
to us. If you dare. With your comments, as well
as suggestions for possible scenarios for group, be as specific
as possible with characters and setting, let your mind expand
and share. I want to thank today's participants the alchemy.
This players just called him that just now also right
(44:40):
to us with your suggestions of what they would be called.
Do so at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That part is not a joke. That's the name of
the email. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
All right, let's go around and say thanks Chris Alvarado,
thank you so much, Thank you for having me. That
(45:00):
was so much fun, super groovy. Anything you'd like to
share with the fine folks, and you know already you
can always find me at at Joey Greer anything that's
all social media platforms at Joey Greer, at you or anything.
Craig Atkowski, thank you so much, so excited to be
an a t P. Yeah, I like it at Kikowski
(45:22):
on Twitter, drunk History on Comedy Central. Nicely done, Greer stir.
I just want to say, you know, we came in
here with a with a plan, and sometimes sometimes it happen,
sometimes it doesn't. And the thing that if there's one
thing that we can always have, you know, check me
(45:45):
out at Chris Alvarado at Chris Alvarado and just hit
me up on Thank you folks, Please a be seated
until the end. James Heney, what do you got for too.
Great times. Great times. If you get the opportunity to
check out the real James Heney on YouTube, there you go.
Love to habit. But as to tell us about that
damn theater, honey, I'd love to located in the heart
(46:08):
of some part of Los Angeles that I'm still not
quite sure aware. You can find Dynasty Typewriter at the
Hayworth to eleven will Share. The website is Dynasty Typewriter
dot com. It's a beautiful Art Deco theater built a
ninety six and now filled with all the modern amenities
you could want, including a popcorn and yeah, two fog machines,
(46:30):
one piano, limitless possibilities, love it and hunted for those
of you really that sort of thing. All right? You
want to thank Raphael? Uh, yeah, dog, I'll get the
(46:50):
pronunciation of his last name, which I probably should have
done before we got in here so I could thank
him properly. But thank you so much our engineered for
today boom? Should we go with bom? Not even close?
All right? Good to know again? Right to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm your host,
Kevin and polic Until next time,
Welcome to alchemy this. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes
that Kevin Pollock. What's that You have a script for
me to read? I'd love to, but first this. Over
the years, I've been damn hell lucky to see my
fair share of true alchemy. By definition, alchemy is when
a person creates something through a seemingly magical process. And
(00:24):
my dear ding dongs and ho hoes, Like I said,
I've been witnessed to the stuff on several occasions. An example,
you ask sure if you're gonna be a horse's ass.
Let's see. Uh, here's one. The names math Ou and
Lemon may sound like the fresh fish of the day
to you, but every day on the set with those
two meant studying at the feet of great alchemists. But
(00:45):
I digress, folks. Not too long ago the idea hit me.
What if I brought together the right creative people and
ask them to make shut up based on my own twisted,
demented ideas that offered it as a podcast of this
seemingly magical process, And what if I called it alchemy?
My boy, you don't look a thing like me. Well,
after months of tinkering, I'm so very proud to welcome you,
(01:07):
dear friends, to Alchemy this. Let's meet our group of
alchemists now be in no particular order. Say hello, Mr
Craig Atkowski. Craig, tell the folks a little about yourself.
Oh hi, Kevin h fancy running into you here. It's
really crazy at this Alchemy lab. Boy, my My theater
just permanently closed its doors this week, so it's good
(01:29):
to have that next gig lined up already. Thank you
for sharing. Next up, the unfairly talented Vanessa Raglan Vanessa,
what's the last dream you remember? I actually took a
little morning nap and uh. The dream was that they
moved the trash cans at my apartment complex to directly
in front of my door, and it felt extremely personal. Yes,
(01:50):
quite the affront. What would a super team like this
be without Mr Chris Alverado, That's what I asked myself, Chris,
what's on your mind? Daddy? Hydration? I think hydration is key.
Thank you for that, and of course, why not include
the super freak Mr Joey Greer gris Stir What is
your effinity? You know? I don't know. I'm still trying
(02:13):
to figure that out. But through a process of meditation
and high interval training. I think I'm figuring it out. Okay,
good luck last, But to hell with you if you
think him last. Mr James Keeney, can I call you
Jimmy Jack? My name's not Jack, but you can call
me whatever you want. I just feel lucky to be
in a room full of such talented people, and you
(02:34):
certainly should. Okay, let's get to our first scene, shall we.
Let's just jump in. We take you now to a very,
very upscale hotel in Denver, Colorado. The hotel concierge has
the task of juggling phone calls from the gas. I understand,
(03:00):
I understand. I will get those flowers to you right away.
Thank you so much. Hi, concierge. Uh huh h, excuse me,
excuse me, yes, help you listen. My wife is due
in seventeen minutes. Wait, seventeen minutes. I can call it. Run.
She's gonna be here in seventeen minutes. I have a
(03:22):
very bad gift for my wife. Oh, I can help you.
I killed my wife's mother. Sir, sir, look at me,
look at me right in the ice. Okay, I will
take care of this. This is my job. It is
my pleasure to serve and to be of service. Give
(03:43):
me the gun here. I just need something, okay, need me?
Well here start with this. Here's a cucumber water. Thank
you a God. There's base with it. Two. That's good,
that's right. I'm going to take the prints off of
this gun, and then I'm gonna tell you about a
wonderful oyster bar. That sounds great, but but the oyster
(04:04):
bar isn't going to be a gift from my wife.
She's gonna be here, ring, ring, ring, ring, part of me.
One second, Hello, concierge, This is Marvin mqugh in fourteen twelve.
Hi Marvin. There's no CBS on the television, Marvin. There is.
It's just not the normal channel that you're used to
at your home. CBS is channel two at home, it is.
But here with our sad, I'm look at a channel
two now and it's a guide telling me about the
(04:26):
hotel lobby. That's right, Marvin. So so CBS here, like
I said to you before, I want to watch in
c I s understood, and that's on channel two O
two two O two. Well how do you get there? So?
Are you having your remote? I can put I. I
see the button. It says channel. Yes, so if you're
at two, you can also hit it two hundred times.
(04:47):
I think that might work. Actually, Marvin, give it a shot. Okay,
but didn't C. I I like to watch it live.
It's right. I don't know if it's fully like. I
don't know if you're watching a live taping of it.
I'd like to watch n C. I yes, as it's happening. Understood.
Use me. Oh, I look like an idiot with this
gun in my hand in front of your desk. Oh,
I'm sorry. Here, you can give it to me. Marvin.
(05:10):
This is Marvin mckugh in fourteen twelve. Okay, sir, what
kind of gift do you want? Yes, Marvin, I'm listening
to you. The baby would be fine. You said there's
babies here. Obviously, this picture of my my wife's dead
mother is not gonna work. If you want a baby,
look at me, look at me right in the eyes.
I'll give me one second. Hello because h hello fighting.
(05:36):
Let me say my name. I am send me macclvie
my first time when my new name were in the Honeymoons. Yeah,
did you hear that? Mr Devin mcleby. This is Devin macleby, mcallby,
(05:59):
and that is my wife you are talking to. Don't
try anything funny. We were wondering. You asked, we want
to know if you have any uh, we want to
know if you have any any turndown service. If you
know what I mean? I think, I think I know
(06:19):
what you mean is anybody can come up here and
turn it down. You know what I mean? I do not.
I do not. Well okay, so um in a layman's term,
Well that's my wife, that's my wife. Okay. We saw
that you have a big aquarium, so what we would
(06:41):
love and I didn't see it all the men, you know,
could you have someone bring us up the heel from
the from the lobby aquarium. Yeah, we're going to bring
it right back, bring it back by we well, we
bring it back before we leave. But if someone goold,
bring us up. Okay, you too, Listen to me, Listen
(07:04):
to me. Okay, this is Marvin mckugh in fourteen twelve.
I'm a guest here at the hotel. I don't know
who I spoke to earlier. I don't know if it
was you that I spoke to. You're looking for Channel two.
I'm having it. I accidentally hit Netflix. I don't want that. Okay,
(07:26):
you can hit exit, I can. Yeah, you just hit
exit on the remote. Okay, hit input because Stranger Things
is on now and I want to watch n C.
I s understood if you had I want to. I
want to see Mark Harmon solves murders there in the Navy.
That's that's yes, that's wonderful. Hit exit on the remote
and then hit input twenty two times. Okay, I think
(07:48):
I just checked out of the hotel. My wife is
gonna be here any minute. I'm standing here with a
gun in my hand. At what you need? A baby? Yeah?
How old? I mean as little as possible. So I
got a baby. You gotta what, Marvin? Just give me
(08:09):
one se gets served. I have a baby forty eight, babe,
it's old. It's all yours. I'm right now. I am
here to serve you. It's some kind of cooking show.
Give me one second. Hell concierge Hi. Yeah, we were
on hold for a little bit and then we just
hung up because no one I was talking to us,
so we didn't do anything. Yes, you wanted the eel
(08:31):
Is that correct? Yeah? We want a couple of eels
you to listen to me. This is Marvin McK in
Room fourteen twelve. HR. I'm not in right now, but
if you want to leave a message, please do so
after the beep. Do you listen to me, Marvin? If
(08:52):
you call me again with another fucking question about how
to change the fucking channel. Hello, it's Marvin mcq in
fourteen twelve. Him, Marman, it's saying that I bought a
five dollar Snickers. I didn't do that. You did? Congratulations? No,
I did not enjoy, sir. What you do with this? Baby? Mokay, guys,
what you do with this? He Marvin? If you don't
(09:15):
eat that fucking snickers? Hello, concierge, how can I help you?
I would like to have a nice place to sleep tonight.
One second? Okay, okay, This is Marvin mqugh in fourteen twelve. Hi, Marvin,
you have a guest staying with you? Oh good, I
could use some company. It's ver. What was your name, Marvin?
(09:36):
M What was your name? Toot? May? Excuse me? May
to May? Is that Wade? Is that Marvin? We're on
the party line, little baby dude. Say what you are sir?
(10:01):
Thank you for waiting. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my god,
A little miracle. Of course, that's what we do. Herencier
provide miracles. Hi, honey, I'm sorry only Oh my god,
hold on, let me put this in a bag. Oh
my god, are you earlier? Is this what time you
said you'd be here. I'm a little early. Oh my god,
I'm classic me. I hope you have something really special?
He does I do. I am the concierge. I'm here
(10:24):
to tell you what your husband has purchased for you today.
Your husband's big surprise for you on your birthday is
he killed your mother in cold blood. I have the
gun with the prince. I will have those prints printed
for you. This is this is better than an n
CIEs episode. You can hang these prints in your feel
(10:45):
free to print the print. She is dead? Was she
in a lot of pain? It's always the biggest guest
star is always the murderer. I can't. I don't know
what to say. I mean, she did know. It was
me trying to look at my eyes. Excuse me, that's
my thing. You want to look in my eyes. It'll
(11:05):
only happen if we all look into your eyes. Okay,
so do I initiate her? You can if you look
at me, I'll started off. Look look into her eyes.
When I met you, seven just doesn't feel like there
is God. I knew there was something special about you,
the way you had secrets and sharp things in all
(11:27):
your pockets. And then we got married and for a
while everything was horrible and wonderful. And today you've given
me the greatest gift you could ever give me if
you took her off the face of this planet. Thank
you so much. Happy birthday to me. Hey what's in
(11:48):
that bag? It was a baby? Yeah, yeah, I'm calling
it because there seemed to be a problem with some
of the lights and the Let me take you now
to a hideout. In this hide is the leader of
a British gang of thieves. He's about to explain their
(12:12):
next heights, which is the home vault of a notorious
mom bas Alright, you lock Clark, calm down, calm down down.
I think you should do something to sort of class
up that. It's not very nice here is it. It's
(12:34):
all very nice. It's not very nice. There's no decoration,
so it's just in the loom. There's no candles. All right, Well,
this is my mom's place. Rebecca all right, you insult
me mom again, I'll fucking knock your teeth. Come on,
(12:56):
I asked my lady. You're doing that my mom on
it's oh, come on, don't do that. Don't do that
to my lady. All right, all right, thank you bloody professionals. Alright,
what's the job man? You said? You said you've got
a lott of bangers that day around, right, so we're
gonna make a big smashing with it. Every one of
you has a specialty, right, yeah, yeah, I do nails.
(13:20):
Fucking hell, Rebecca, you did the best nails I've ever
seen this city. If your mom wants to get some
free nails here, Rebecca, all right, So we're going to
take advantage of that. We're going to set up a
fake nail salon, only do real nails, all right. It's
gonna look like a real nail salon, a real manny
petty place. Don't touch feat because they make me vomit.
(13:41):
All right, it's a real manny place. It's a manny place,
does not life feat alright. Alright, So we're gonna have
this up and running for like three weeks. All right,
get it, get a client telling, make it legitimate. We're
gonna pay taxes. All right, Wait, what's going on, mate?
We're starting a business but robbing. We are robbing someone
(14:04):
when bloody thieves. All right, all right, all right, But
in order to get the caper started, we've got to
open a many salon. Right, we should keep on the water,
we should do um. We put it in a really
good location. Um, I'd like to have like fancy ladies come.
All right. Well, oh, last time, look at where you'reing
(14:29):
from now. Last time I started a business, it thrived.
It was a small tech company. We were using it
as a front, but it ended up doing very very well.
(14:51):
All right, Well, look, Mr Velvet, we we appreciate your expertise.
We appreciate you've been in the business for a while.
Two years. Yeah, it's not as long as I was thinking,
but that's a decent amount of time. You're you're easily
the most well dressed member of the crew. Excuse you,
if you are we going to have a website, I
(15:12):
haven't thought about that. You've gotta make a website forget there?
All right. Well, that's why I brought in the new guy,
who's a web master. I've already set up something and
called Daddy if you guys want to take a look,
just take a look. Because it's mobile friendly, so it
should be formatteded mobile device. What's the website. It's www.
Snasy fingers com. Good Night. That's the name of our gang.
(15:37):
That's what I thought. What the point was, it's we're
starting a business as a front. Yeah, but there's no
reasonings that, there's no reason not to optimize our search engines.
And we say, this is why I keep Mr Velvet
around for this, this veteran expertise. Don't put the name
of your gang in the name of your website. Don't
(16:00):
do it in the U R L. Mate, don't do
it in the R at least would have been nice
before I pay. I bought this for five years. So
now we've got What am I gonna do with this
web doing it is very lucky though, that it's about
nails fingers. I mean, it's very lucky, really. So maybe
you could just change the name of the gang and
we could keep the website. We're not changing the name
of the game. That's my lady. That's my lady. That's
(16:22):
it's more very good name for a nail place. So
I've got a snazzy fingers. Roger can't talk to you
for a moment. Sure, let's go to the loop. Step
into the loop. We don't have to go to the loop.
While we're in the loop. I don't mind if you
do all right? Do you? If no, go in all right?
I gotta go number two. So known that ahead of time.
(16:45):
What a bloody ol do we? What bloody ol do
you we? Whatever Beck is making just put a whole
bay of little stuff to get and it's all just
meets pieces corn pieces is alright, alright, you should have something.
It's fantastic, is it not? A little greens? And I
talked to you for a second. Absolutely, I had a
girlfriend once. Congratulations, No, she broke my fucking heart. Oh sorry,
(17:12):
I've learned to stay away from women. Well that's too bad.
We're very fun. I disagree. What are you doing to me,
Mr velvet? I'm letting you know. You know, as soon
as my boyfriend's done taking this ship, he'll be back.
I will kill your fucking boyfriend. You understand. Anytime you
pissed me, anytime you pissed me off, I'm going to
(17:33):
take it out on him. That's not nice. But look,
it's just every time you say something means to Rebecca,
you know what I means, Like you're creating a fissure
in all relationships. I'm creating a fissure. I'm just trying
to be the leader of this bloody gang. Mate. I
respect that, mate, I respect that Mrs Being weird, Babe,
(17:54):
that Mr Velvets being weird. Just sit there and it's
all right. Now. Do I have the tape in www?
Or is it a quicker way to get to it? Honestly,
I've pretty much optimized the search engine. If you put
your own name in, it will be the top five
on Google, my own Mr Velvet, any one of our names. No,
(18:17):
you need to remove from my website immediately. We're fucking
gang members. That's what I'm saying. We've got a professional website.
But it's just like, I know, it's your mom's place.
I love your mom, been there for me from the
very beginning, you know what I mean. Practically brothers exactly. Mate.
It's like you tacking our sister who I'm sleeping with,
(18:41):
and it's like, Mate, that's blad mate. You know what
I mean, She's pretty much your sister. She's my sister. Mate.
I love you, mate, I love you. Let's bring it in.
Don't lift me up, don't lift me up. Don't lift
me up, mate. Oh look, I thought it might put
me put me back down, paying all right? Oh lord?
Oh so I have my own my own page and whatnot.
(19:03):
You can put anything you want for your biography. And
that's your picture. It's the best one I could find.
I've happily replaced it if you like. That's no, no, no,
that's yeah. That's a pretty good picture, mate. It looks good.
That's my knee. That's my knee the picture. No, no,
your hand is on my knee. That's my don't get
(19:25):
the wrong idea. What I what idea went? All right?
I can't out but over airing from the loop. But
you've got bios and pictures of us on the website.
It's no good nail menu. Alright, let's get a bloody
nail menu. Thank you. I'm sorry. I don't know a
lot about nails, but I wouldn't trust somebody to make
(19:46):
my fingers look good if I didn't know where that
coming from. Rebecca nosed a shot on about mail about
nails whatever, whatever, whatever. We've both got a different ship.
Mr Velvet whild that what was that? Mr Velvet came
out and now we're from you? Were you about to
stow free style on Mr Velvet? Just a bit of
(20:09):
a beat of oh if I must, and then I must.
It's the Mr Velvett on the fucking Mike. I'm here
to get down and commit crimes tonight. I'm with my
four mates. Can't you see fine us at w W?
What's about me? Okay, it's four of it in one
(20:29):
of me. Anytime she bugs me, I'm going to fuck
you want my professionals? Yeah, I'm a might you broke
my laptop? We'll take you now to a small bar
(20:55):
in the Bronx frequented by the local police. Tonight there's
a memorial service, so one of the brothers, I'd like
to just start off by saying that Jerry was one
hell of a good officer. Jerry was good. I mean,
there's not much better that the Black and Room could
ask than a Jerry underneath it. But behind every Jerry
(21:19):
is it? Denise. You're here, and Denise is gonna tell
us a little bit. We we might not know everything
about Jerry. He was a great condamn partner. But Denise
lived with Jerry Denise right with Jerry. Hello, Hello, Horrible
to be here under such circumstances. Horrible to eat that
ship food. Here's I don't want to fucking clean up.
(21:43):
I wipe it on my sleeve. Um. So I guess
I should say thank you all you fuckheads like my
life in like fifteen different ways. Okay, we know you
don't mean it, Denise, I don't mean it. Is not
grief talking. This is de niece talking. Okay, Okay, Jerry,
(22:06):
I'm sorry, Jerry. That was grief. That was grief talking, Jerry.
Jerry did more than die because you know what, Okay,
Jerry was an officer. Oh good, give it up for
you guys. Oh, thank you for protecting us. I know everything. Okay,
here I am and no I have not been drinking,
(22:27):
Yes I have. I don't care, okay, no, no, no,
Look at you, Look at you. You're sucking animals, all
of your animals. Okay. And you're so sad. Oh, you're
so sad. You know what. I'm sad. I'm sad for
like twenty two reasons right now. Only one of them
is Jerry. There's twenty one other reasons that you guys
(22:50):
don't even know about. Okay, no, listen, I know we
protected service what you guys say, but you don't even
do that. You don't even do that at all. No,
you don't. I protect and or serve every day. Oh
do you tell me all about that damon one or
the other at least? Yeah, I think none of the other.
I know what you all do. You gossip like little girls. Okay, no,
(23:14):
I see the emails, emails, well, like little girls. It's
Tony Marciano. First of all, what kind of hair is that?
You know what I mean? You go? Okay, Jerry was
using my computer to read your damn emails? And are
your email friends? Say, up all fucking night gossiping with
you guys. You can't read it. If it says dock
(23:37):
of you can go dock of yourself. Right now, we go,
go dock of yourself. Okay. I've been a wife. I've
been a wife in this situation for years, and all
of us, all the wives, we're getting together. Okay, yeah,
that's right, always right, because you know we know everything.
We've been reading you shitty little emails. We know that
you keep stuff that you're not supposed to be keeping. Yeah,
you shouldn't put that in the emails. Guy, mostly just
(23:59):
send a lot of gifts back and forth. Yeah, you're
roll pranking each other. The gun pranks are not funny, guys.
It's funny you put a hollow bullet and it doesn't work,
you know what I mean? That's funny when you need
to use it. Those hollow mollets are actually sometimes worse.
If that's the side point. Actually, she shouldn't be reading
the email period. You come up here, You come up
(24:20):
here and you look at my eyes and tell me
not to read the emails. Okay, because you know what,
I've been doing a lot of stuff for you guys,
right right? Who brings the donuts? Okay, Cherry, Jerry brings
two dozen donuts. Do you think Jerry got the doughnuts donuts?
You guys are animals. Okay, I still mean you stop
(24:42):
telling me, Damon. If Damien fucking tells me one more time,
I don't mean especially you, Damon. Especially you know what
you did. I know what you did with Jerry. They
made out at the Christmas party. I don't even about
that guy show time. Well it's the Christmas party, you
(25:04):
know is somebody places husband? Okay, he would talk about
you in his sleep damon, how do you think that feels.
I've been waiting all day to Jerry come home. I
try to look nice, Scarra when nice sleep. They were
partners for twelve years kissing. They should not be kissing. Jingle, Hey, damon,
(25:26):
Merry Christmas. Don't care. I'm okay, I'm okay. In the
cup game. Well, what was that, missletoe? Oh? I guess
it is? Yeah, get away from me. No, you get
away from me. But I guess, you know, I guess missiletoe.
So I guess we'll obligating. Yeah, I mean, I'm believe
(25:48):
in Jesus Christ. You know. Well, I guess we gotta
kiss a little bit. That's a real slurping one. Actually,
I mean like in a funny way, that kind good. Yeah,
I mean, if you're if we're doing jokes and whatnot. Yeah,
(26:08):
I mean, let's keep the bit going, right, I mean,
you know, follow the funny, that's what they fo. You
gotta heighten it a little bit, yeah, you know, I mean,
maybe bring it back lady. So whatever you guys said
at that party and then you started taking more improv classes,
all of you fuckheads are supposed to be protecting and
serving and yet I'm going to your shows at eleven.
(26:36):
We can get fifteen dollars and happen to buy two beers.
I gotta kid, I paid for a babysitter to go
to your shows. Were all kissing. It was a great improviser. Okay,
Jim was, but Jerry was. Okay, who was good? Jerry was?
All right? You take that back. It was all right.
I thought Jerry was great. Damon's getting off feisty over
(26:59):
this some something right now about Copro? What is it? Bobby?
All right, two guys get on the stage, whether then
they want to connect with each Other's hard to do
every day. We're depend on the pavement. We've got tools
on the belt. I'm sorry, Bobby, but I recall a
scene with you and the sage that changed my life.
I did. I remember that. I thought it was a
big deal. It was such a great scene. Man, I
(27:21):
was bullshit, dude, wasn't bullshit. It was a great scene.
I remember that scene. That was good. You guys have
some good moments. I'm not negating that. But I'm here
as a widow. Remember was that night that Kevin Pollock
was in the audience, shouted out a suggestion and you guys,
improvised up suggestions day and gentlemen, welcome to the can
(27:43):
Can Club. We got some really hot teams for you.
We got all that in the bag of chips. We
got made up on the spot, and now we have
some cop prob anybody, everybody in the audience. Can we
get a suggestion? How about from you, sir? Yeah? How
about one of you guys, Hie, One of those is
my husband, Kevin Pollocks on. My tips are terrific. The second, honey,
(28:07):
could one of you be like a therapist in a
prison and the other ones in inmate. I know that's
tough for cops to think, but something like that. Alright, alright, alright,
I'll I'll be a therapist. Hold on, we like to
talk this out really quick before we start. Just I'll
be a way stuff. Okay, you said I was a prisoner, right, yeah, alright, murder,
All right, here we go. I'm gonna play a chair.
(28:29):
Oh that works, damon? Yeah. So you know I did it,
and uh I regret it. M You know, I made
a I made a gut move I thought was I
(28:49):
thought I was defending something that wasn't even mine. You know,
I realized that now and Uh. Every day I wake
up and I feel the soul that I took. That's hilarious.
Oh do you feel good about it? No? I just said,
what's this? What's this behind your ear? As a cat?
Oh my gosh, you can't have a cat in prison.
(29:11):
And um, I want to go to sleep. I see,
I see the wounds and they get bigger. And when
I go inside the wounds, I see myself, when I
see my family, and I see what could have been
the damage I did. Oh my god. He left right
(29:34):
after that. All right, So I don't know how good
that was. You know what I'm saying. It was a
fantastic scene whatever, whatever, whatever, equal amounts moving and I'm
grieving here and you know you don't mean it to God.
I got guns too, okay. Oh, I got the emails. Honey.
(29:58):
I know who else has been kissing. You've all been kissing.
You guys lock each other in the cells and you
take turns of the emails. Everybody's kissing at night from
the weird No, it's not weird. Okay. We're trying to
get into the minds of the of the criminals kissing
(30:19):
criminals kissing criminals, and our inprov teacher says, we've got
to be more empathetic. So, but the niece, I think
we all know why it is. You're getting all loud
this need this evening. Well, my husband's dead. Love to
stay that, it's none of that. What is it that,
Mr genius? You want to do this right now? I
think I do. Okay, bring it on. I know this,
(30:43):
Oh my god, I know. Okay, yeah, hand it up.
Everybody looking at me. Yeah, we only got thirty more minutes.
Can I have another drink? Please? At the lights? Please?
I want I want to there in service. Yes, I
want a wine. Okay, we'll pink pink wine. You want
(31:05):
red and white? Jesus Christ. Want me to bring up
like a special or yeah yeah, yeah, yeah special Denise.
I'm gonna ask every man in this room to raise
that hand if they've made love to you, and we're
gonna see what's gonna happen on the count of three. One.
I'm interested too, three Jesus Christ, everyone here, holy ship
(31:29):
at all fairness. It's just if you sleep with Summer,
you've slept with everybody they've slept with, and I slept
with Jerry, so that the same thing I was going
to say I did not sleep with a sage and
I was. I'm just saying I slept with everyone. Jerry
slept with curiously through Jerry. Are we raising the hands?
If we stop with Jerry, let's do let's do that.
Let's do it one through a ready. Wait, wait, I
(31:49):
want that music and let me get that let me
get that special back. Thank you? All right, everybody, on
the count of three, raise your hand if you slept
with Jerry. I hold on, I haven't said everybody raised
her head. Everybody you don't know I did it like
a million times. Well you were his wife? Yeah, sorry,
(32:10):
I'll wait for three. No, it's okay. The experiments over.
The point is you're mad somehow. You're mad at us
because maybe you love all of us. Maybe it didn't
love Jerry. Maybe you are part of the reason why
his death was so suspicious. I don't know. It was
nothing suspicious. He died in the line of duty because
(32:31):
people out of here suspicious. We got the room. Hold
where we want. Hold on. That's Kevin polla come in,
Kevin Poll can come in? Can you sign my Willow poster?
You remember me? Hi? Hi? You sign the Kingking my husband.
(32:51):
Jerry's dead. You came to our cup prop and made
my agent for dinner. Well, we were in a kind
of a heated moment. I didn't mean interrupt. Oh. We
take you now to a high rise of office building
in downtown Los Angeles for the reading of the will.
(33:17):
M alright, gather rounds everyone. Uh, okay, I'm not sure
why I printed out copies of the will for everyone. Um,
what page are we starting on? We're gonna start on one.
We tried to save paper by doing front and back,
so we went double sided. But only half of them
(33:37):
are broken back. That's fine, I'll figure it out. Okay, Well,
I'm gonna start with with page one of the will
once again, my okay, I have it. I have it.
Please stop stop shuffling the papers trying to find which
is page one? Okay, it's got a big one on
the front. It is quite a lengthy will with a
(34:01):
lot of complicated coddessils. It's a fancy lawyer word. I
don't know that word. It's uh, you know, a coddessil. No,
I don't, Just like, how do I break it down?
Just a simple way? Can you use a coddessil in
a sentence? He just did and we didn't understand well
(34:22):
he was using the word coddessil. Guys, please, Ari, I
just want to say that our dad loved you very
much and we're very happy that it's you who's doing
He's not going to give you anything more rounding it.
I hate you all as you all know. You're your
father and husband's finances were very complicated. Ah. He had
(34:48):
a lot of a lot of pots cooking and a
lot of different places. Um. So we're going to begin
with are those the caddessils. I'm going to get to
the coddessils. Gonna start with the with the provisions, and
then we're gonna move on to the consessils. Okay, Provision
number one. Page here we go, Page one, the bulk
(35:12):
of of my home, your home. This is it's written. Well,
then read it in his voice. That's a good point. Okay,
confusing to hear two. I agree, I do do what
pretty good? Jeremiah, da Dad? Is that you? That was
so weird? That was still me? Still? Um, but it
(35:34):
gets a little lower lower, red, little puff, little gruff.
You're not going to get more teach you. Okay, this
is me Ari doing a Jeremiah voice, very very good
provision number one. Really, thank you, thank you? Do you
do any other impersonations or I do? Uh Morgan Freeman,
(35:56):
can we do you mind if well still read the okay,
thank you? Okay. The Bulk of my Home. I mean
it's okay, that's alright, I'm working, Okay, I'm gonna go
back to the Jeremiah, what do you have any others?
Or can you just get to it? Um, you're not
(36:17):
going to get more. You're not gonna get they're baiting
each other. The Bulk of my Home, Ramsey Manner. We'll
go to my lawyer. What the what the fuck? Hold
the phone? Stop disagree, I'm sorry. Stop you're on page one.
(36:42):
Stop stop no, no, no, no. It should be not
given Tory. It just says the bulk. It said that
it's going to be divided up further. But yes, excuse
me if I'm wrong. Bulk means big, that's big of
(37:02):
it goes to Ari define book big. I think it's
I don't know if it's a direct synonym. I mean
it's the big, the largest part, the big of it.
It's going to Ari. This is strange. Did you know
this is gonna happen? I'm just I'm reading this in
the moment as you guys are. I didn't want a daughter,
(37:24):
but this hurts. He definitely didn't. I'm not surprised. It
doesn't even it doesn't even sting that party. You were
the big of his problems. You're the big. Keep reading. Oh,
moving on to the cutestile, kindly fine other sections of
(37:46):
Ramsey Manner. Are we still on page one? I'll let you,
I will say, flip when we go to page two.
Other sections of Ramsey Manner, Flip. Get those people out
of here. They're part of the family. They can be here.
(38:07):
You're not going to get more. You're not going to
get more other sections of Ramsey man Back on page one.
Just back on one, back on one second, back on one.
Other sections. So we didn't flip. Other sections of Ramsey Manner. Flip.
I'm on page three, Okaya, flip your page. When I
(38:29):
say flipped, it's on the same page on the other side.
Other sections of Ramsey man What are we doing with
the cats? Are the cats gonna get tiv up about
the cats? I don't know what does cottessial mean? True
or false? We'll be divided equally among my issue? What's
his issue? What is your deal besides not wanting your daughter?
(38:51):
What was his issue? Okay, what's up, Elijah? Yeah, I
just want to Can I say something on the record?
Are can you put this on the record? Okay, this
is all being recorded, by the way, we all hate Elijah.
I'm an architect and I'm very successful. So they're mad
he designed a seven eleven and guess what it looks
like the rest of the seven elevens. That's at the point.
(39:13):
Hard to do that? How hard it is to do that.
You're like one of those people that see modern are
and say I can do that. Yeah, that's what you are.
You're a person that was never loved. I don't know
a lot about architecture, but that that's a good gig.
Seven seven eleven account, Thank you. Ari. Ari knows business.
It's more like a construction thing than architecture. You know,
(39:33):
they draw it first. You just copied what you've what
they all are. It's hard to do when I say issue. No,
this is ari as Jeremiah. When I say issue, I
mean my children. It's a fancy legally's way of seeing children.
(39:53):
And now we take it to the last Easter dinner
that they all celebrated together. That have these mash potatoes
I made? Alright, alright, don't worry. I'll eat everyone's potatoes.
Did you notice I've been getting more masculine. Yeah, I have.
I've been happy with that. The hot dogs here? He
can't you put work aside? Elijah for once? So proud
(40:16):
of this? Of course, of course? And do you have
any suggestions? Where's the slurping machine? Oh? You know where
that is? Back left? You know, I've been creating teeth
for kids born without teeth, um, and they're coming along,
awesome teeth. For keeping creating teeth for kids born without teeth. Well, Dad,
you said you wanted a son that was productive, and
(40:38):
I'm doing the best I can. I've noticed a lot
of kids were born without teeth, and I have a
three and some born without teeth. But then the teeth
grow in when well as they as they age. You
don't you don't need fake teeth. Let them be baby failure. Guys,
(40:59):
can we just say a quick grace before we eat? Yes, yes,
Elijah do I'll do it. M M. Dear God, dear God,
thank you so much for today, thank you so much
for tonight, Thank you so much for the cats that
(41:21):
I have in stable. Ben, she stopped. I don't have
a prayer. Do not stop in the middle of a prayer.
God listening. I want to say thank you to Dad,
thank you Benjie for always being there when I didn't
know where the light was. It's usually in the semi eleven.
It's like it's the whole. It's where they all are.
And I just want to say thank you Elijah and
(41:45):
what and Margot Jesus Christ. I'm glad you said it
because I was blank, right, you forget Margot um whatever.
That's not a prayer. And Tyler m hm always being
there for when we needed it, but never being there
when we didn't know. Dad again, I just want to say,
(42:10):
I know it's in the stars. We're gonna have a
hundred more Easters together. That's impossible for you, but for
me and Dad it's possible. I hate you. I hate
You're not going to get more of the mashed potatoes.
What do you mean You're not going to give me them?
Back to the reading of the will, We're on page
four CODSSIL number twenty flips. I still don't get it.
(42:37):
The cats. Finally, the cats will be donated to a shelter.
That's good. That's good. Okay, here we go. Here's the show.
Because spang and now to ring your pants is something
(42:59):
that very human being needs to do. I'm working on it.
Go ahead, Benji. Tell us how we're all terrible people,
terrible people. Tell us how you love the cats. Tell
us how you loved dad. Tell me how I'm not
gonna get anything in your babies. Don't need tea. Don't
(43:20):
tell yourself that you're the best. I am the best.
And tell Ari that you love him. Tell Ari that
you love him, Tell Ari that you love him. Ari,
I'm listening. I am. I can't say you love me,
(43:47):
can't you? Dad? Yeah, it's me. It's your dad, Daddy, Daddy, daddy, daddy.
I'm still and I know of the youth voterers would
be all over my fortune. That's right, Ari, to the
one who's dead. We hope you've enjoyed alchemy. This right
(44:14):
to us. If you dare. With your comments, as well
as suggestions for possible scenarios for group, be as specific
as possible with characters and setting, let your mind expand
and share. I want to thank today's participants the alchemy.
This players just called him that just now also right
(44:40):
to us with your suggestions of what they would be called.
Do so at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That part is not a joke. That's the name of
the email. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
All right, let's go around and say thanks Chris Alvarado,
thank you so much, Thank you for having me. That
(45:00):
was so much fun, super groovy. Anything you'd like to
share with the fine folks, and you know already you
can always find me at at Joey Greer anything that's
all social media platforms at Joey Greer, at you or anything.
Craig Atkowski, thank you so much, so excited to be
an a t P. Yeah, I like it at Kikowski
(45:22):
on Twitter, drunk History on Comedy Central. Nicely done, Greer stir.
I just want to say, you know, we came in
here with a with a plan, and sometimes sometimes it happen,
sometimes it doesn't. And the thing that if there's one
thing that we can always have, you know, check me
(45:45):
out at Chris Alvarado at Chris Alvarado and just hit
me up on Thank you folks, Please a be seated
until the end. James Heney, what do you got for too.
Great times. Great times. If you get the opportunity to
check out the real James Heney on YouTube, there you go.
Love to habit. But as to tell us about that
damn theater, honey, I'd love to located in the heart
(46:08):
of some part of Los Angeles that I'm still not
quite sure aware. You can find Dynasty Typewriter at the
Hayworth to eleven will Share. The website is Dynasty Typewriter
dot com. It's a beautiful Art Deco theater built a
ninety six and now filled with all the modern amenities
you could want, including a popcorn and yeah, two fog machines,
(46:30):
one piano, limitless possibilities, love it and hunted for those
of you really that sort of thing. All right? You
want to thank Raphael? Uh, yeah, dog, I'll get the
(46:50):
pronunciation of his last name, which I probably should have
done before we got in here so I could thank
him properly. But thank you so much our engineered for
today boom? Should we go with bom? Not even close?
All right? Good to know again? Right to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm your host,
Kevin and polic Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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