September 12, 2019 • 52 mins
On-Set Of A Children’s TV Show; Competing Car Salesmen and Saleswomen; Safety Officer Inspects A Building.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who's off
shooting the prequel to End of Days. Plenty of Days left.
Let's meet her Chemist for today. She's also fierce on
the runway. Vanessa Ragland, what's your signature? Look? This is
kind of grimace. I wish you guys could see this.
(00:26):
It was really good. It was I want to buy
whatever she's selling next. He's the end of the world
and he knows it. Joey Greer, Yes, I am Joey.
How's it all gonna end? I don't want to spoil it.
He's so angsty he needs to dance hardcore in a barn,
Mark Gagliardie Mark, what song really gets you going? Um?
(00:47):
Right now? The confrontation song from La miz Oh. That's
a good one. Yeah, right now. You're too hip for
your own good. I mentioned the world where musical theater
is awesome. Row finally, working too hard can give you
a heart attack? Atta Kikok Craig, would you get in
(01:07):
a car with Billy Joel in a heartbeat? I wouldn't
let him drive? That's was that what you were asking?
I didn't specify that I would get in a vehicle
with him. What's the cultural take on Billy Joel at
this point, cool or not? I don't think he's like
three years away from people being like, Billy Joel's the coolest,
(01:29):
Like it's kind of about that. I mean, you two
is not cool, right YouTube they were there's They've always
been the biggest band in the world, so they didn't
don't have a chance to be cool or not cool.
They're just they're just a stadium. I think they got
a chance not to be cool, but I don't know
that my opinion counts. I just don't think they're cool. Wait,
(01:51):
do we have goss hot Goss? We don't know. We
don't know the truth from Bam, We're just getting headshakes
and comes down for Beast and Furious presents. Babe. All right, well,
let's get to our first scene. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
(02:11):
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at alchemy this dot com. Our first scene comes
from David, who wrote, Dear Alchemists, I would like to
begin the way I'll finish, passionately and without warning. Thank you,
say that you all have made my job much easier.
I travel three to four days a week and usually
(02:32):
drive four plus hours at a time. I have laughed
so hard I've cried, spit water all over my dashboard,
and swallowed my gum. I would like to suggest a
scene we always see the public facing side of a
live action children's show, such as Sesame Street, Blues Clues,
Baby signing time, et cetera. I have a one year
signing time and maybe it's singing time, but it's it's
type signing time here, so I'm gonna do that terrifying
(02:55):
show teaches America signed like which to Toddler, it's important
signed us NBA right now. I have a one year
old and would love to see your interpretation of what
goes on behind the scenes in the writer's room after
bad takes craft services, et cetera. I'll be overjoyed to
hear you all take this and run with it. I
would like to tell everyone that I thoroughly enjoy all
of your characters. You're wonderful. Thank you again. Can't wait
(03:17):
to hear the next episode. Sincerely, David, it's a rap.
I can't do that anymore. A sure reason. I got
your a costume in uh in the trailer, so whenever
you need it, it's over there. I'm wearing the costume
I need for the day. I don't need the other costume. Okay,
do we have a for tomorrow? Christ Uncle Squishy, Hey, Dwayne,
(03:42):
you can knock it off. I don't know who Dwayne is,
Uncle Squishy. You don't have to always be on Lawrence.
I don't know why you even why do you even try.
I don't know him. I don't because because I have
faith in him. When when he was hired here sixty
one year ago, everybody had faith in him, and we
(04:03):
don't have to be nice to him anymore. Like no,
I just feel like he's such a legacy here. Well,
I'm going to stop. Okay, Uncle Squishy, Oh my god,
look at this the squishy people. How are you doing?
Corporate new time over? So? I want to just say
(04:30):
the ratings are up. The kids love it, the parents
love it. I think it's because I'm doing more feminist
stuff with my character. Thank you for listening to the
notes on what that was fantastic, you know, we're progressive,
we're moving. Yeah, so I want to let you all
know we're gonna do a live show show. We're gonna
do a live show. Boss. There's no way that Jayne's
(04:53):
gonna be able to handle a live show. I think
he will know he can't, can't take it. I think
I know he's ninety, and when he hits ninety, we'll
have a talk. He's not all there. He's always uncle squishy.
He moves very slowly. We have to edit around him
and you don't have to. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to.
(05:14):
I'm trying to call angles on all of these cameras
and he's just wandering all over the set. What do
you think he's going to do on a live show.
I think he's gonna from his own year in half
the time, and then we'll guess what. We'll get a
little schlop pot of the bottom of the stage and
it will excuse me. I don't think I'm supposed to
be back here. I'm lost. Hey, you want me to
help you buy? Yeah, if that would be great. Jesus Christ,
(05:37):
why am I doing this because you have one that
all the kids left? Get the kid to his mother? Yeah,
you know, I just I don't give a shit about it.
You know, I've been working like two weeks on the
set and that just sucking. Sucks. Yeah, you know, you
tell me about it. We've been we've been out of here.
(05:58):
I swear to god, they're gonna put cameras out be
able to smoking pit. One of these days. They're gonna
put cameras out of here. They're gonna put mics out
of here. They're listening to everything we say. Corporate guy, yeah,
Steve Oh always uses to oh at the end, that guy.
They're gonna turn this whole thing into like a cam
girl scenario. You know what I meant smoking all that.
If I wasn't two weeks from my pension, i'd get
out now. Yeah. I got a friend who works the
(06:20):
baby signing time, I might yeah. Yeah, wait, your two
weeks from your pension. Why you know what, you're gonna
go get a new job after you retire. I don't know.
I just you like to work, huh. I like to work.
It's all about that. Yeah, I get it. Oh, Hey, guys,
are we smoking? Yeah? Trying to quit any room for
the new kid or no? Yeah? Going out kidding? Okay,
(06:45):
So we're smoking. We're smoking. What do we do more?
Old burloughs, I don't smoke. Yeah, he's American spirits, American
spirit PAULA guy got gonna kill Dwayne if he comes
by my craft s trailer's table one more and calls
Red Vines fun time. Squishy straws, I'm gonna fucking cut him. Oh, Dwayne,
(07:09):
sweet listen, I'm trying to get into the boys club.
I'm willing to do what it takes well doing what
it takes me complaining a lot about Uncle Squishy, I'll
tell you that. N Yeah, you weren't here when Dwayne
killed him? Man what Yeah? Yeah, Dwayne, Uncle Squishy killed him?
In what happened? How to do it? Excuse me? Uncle Squishy,
(07:34):
that's my name and that's my game. Oh would you
mind signing this? It's it's a Auburn Helbert helmet. It's
Auburn helmet. I just want your singature. I know you
played there. You're a tight end for Auburn University and uh,
Uncle Squishy octopus. I know that, But Dwayne Doyne Helper,
you were your tight end for Dwayne Helper. You were
(07:58):
a tight end for Auburn univer there's no one by
that name anymore. Why don't you drop the act and
just signed the helmet? He stabbed him eight times, one
freest tenticle. It's unbelievable. Wait, he was a football player.
You're missing the point of his story. Don't don't bring
it up. Don't bring it up. I just love football.
(08:21):
Really Yeah, why did you say like that? Well, because
this is such a boys club. This is such a
boys club. I can't love football. Yeah, it's an amazing game.
You know, we will talk about it. We just think
with the CT and the fact they don't play, they
don't pay college players, it just it's well, guess what,
I'm a fan of the CT. I'm sorry. Like you
like head trauma? Yeah, I love it? Yeah, that's that's crazy. Yeah,
(08:46):
I mean, what the hell? Hey, come on, we're I'm
supposed to say crazy alright, Sorry, yeah, crazy cigarettes? Try
hold on, let me roll you one. I gotta roll mine. Okay, okay, okay,
the season eight arc. Okay, we have to be concise
on this all right now, Uncle Squishy. In the timeline
(09:09):
so far, he said he hasn't he has had kids.
He hasn't had kids, He hasn't hadd hasn't had kids,
no kids. Okay, so then let's add we're not adding kids.
The kids watch the show. Uncle Squishy is everyone's uncle.
We can't be daddy uncle Squishy. We also added an
orphan in season sixty, episode eight, So we've done that
before and it didn't go great. Thirty minutes till the
(09:31):
light show starts, I'm gonna need a scrap. Yes, okay,
I think we just do the thing where he sings
the eight arms song again. How many times he's gonna
do that? He can do that three times? How you
can do that three times? In the show eight arms,
eight arms? Ears got one arm over here, one over there,
one over here, and one over here, one over here
(09:56):
and one over here and one on over here. You
sounds like the scripts. Ready, let's get wrong. Were just
sing the song? What if he did it in Spanish?
Shut that anyone? You know? Yeah? Why is somebody pointing
(10:18):
at the brown guy in the writer's yeah brass brassy? Hello?
Oh my god? What does that mean? What does that means?
We have twenty minutes? Are we add percent that? That's
(10:40):
what that means? Yeah, that's what that means. You're getting
distracted by the wrong thing. We have to we have
a live show. We got Uncle Squshy. We'll do the
arm song three times, then another time in Spanish that's
four three, So he's gonna say I got an arm
over here twenty four times over the course of the show,
but in different languages. So I think it's okay, bent
Amon nudos. What if that someone's name, If that's a
call for help, it's not. It means twenty minutes, where's
(11:06):
graph service? It's never moved. Well, I'm gonna squish them
down the hall. My uncle Squishy, Oh my god. Do
you think he's like that at home? What do you mean, Grandpa?
We have to talk. What's Grandpa's It's it's about it's
(11:32):
about Marline. I'm sorry, Mrs Squishy. What's wrong with this?
Is squishy? You may have noticed there's an e KG
attached to her and her bed has been replaced with
a hospital bed, and she's been making that noise a lot.
(11:57):
Let's see if we could all make that noise. It's
not I'm not going to help, Look, Uncle Squishy, it's not.
Try again, kids, very good. I just think Grandpa should
just hugger goodbye because it's probably times. Yeah, that's the death. Cop.
(12:23):
That was the death that's coming soon. Well, I'll hugger
with this arm. I don't hugger with this arm. Hugger
with this song. Goddamnit, hugger with us arm. I've got
eight arms to hold you. I heard a bad word. Yeah,
(12:45):
so it's you know, things have been going crazy for
him at home. But I don't know if he's gonna
be able to handle this guy. We don't have a choice.
We don't even know what bendos means. You gotta mean anything. Now,
you have to get this show together. We can have
the other characters do more songs. We can have them improvised.
(13:06):
IV I don't know it's fun. Are we gonna? Are
we gonna put in more of that feminist crap that
she's been preaching along there? I think it would buy
us sometimes. All right, fine, get her out there on
top of the show. I gotta fade this into the prompter.
We ready, I gotta feed it into the problem. What
are we going to put in the prompter? What are
we going to put him the prop anyone have anything
to put in the propect? I know what it is.
I know what it is. Bay means to to beckon.
(13:29):
To nudo means by means to beeccan are getting that?
Oh my god? What does that mean? I think? Are
we a hundred? Someone has to have something to put
in the prompter. Anybody, what are we gonna put in?
(13:50):
Send him the file, send him the last whatever, the
last thing you wrote. Put it, we'll put it in
the prompt. Okay, and emailed him sent sent okay, Ready,
this is what you want to put in the from
all right, I put it in the ro all right,
put it in the put it in the prompter. Okid,
(14:13):
Uncle Squishy, do you know what painting minw toast means?
Bay means to beckon? Oh oh what she wanted to
see me? Or yeah, we did want to see you? Yea?
(14:35):
What is this about? What do you think it's about?
What do you think it's about? That's good? I wore sandals.
You think that's why you think that? As our live
show was starting and Uncle Squishy was going on and
on about what maintaining new Toast means that it's because
you were sandals that you're in here today, we asked
to send the teleprompter the script. I was struggling to
(15:00):
find the word. Yeah I did. I did, and that's
what you thought that Uncle Squishy should say. Is this
about steppers or no, it's not about your sandals. This
is about going into the lives. This is about going
into the live show. I'm sorry to overstep. That's okay,
don't overstep. It's you're not overstepping at all. No, I
(15:21):
was overstepping, Dan, and I shouldn't have. It's okay, I
don't mind. You can handle this. You know, we we
both have the same I've been here longer, but we
both have the same job. So there it was, you
tell me it's not a thing, and then you just
sneak in that you've been here long because I think
we're losing the thread here. Okay. After he fed that
(15:42):
into the prompter, it was then just stats about Auburn
football players throughout the year he flipped out. He stabbed
each of those kids eight times. Thankfully he only had
a spoon, so it just gave them little bruises. But
still the damage is done. The house friend wait to
way to trigger him, way to trigger him? Gary. It
(16:04):
was the last thing I wrote, how long have you
been standing there? Anyone know where Mrs Squishy is? I
can't find her anywhere. Um, I heard she's I heard
she's in the parking lot. Yeah, she's. Uh. If she's
not in the parking lot, she's on the train tracks
(16:26):
or very dead. He was joking, a horrible joke, Mr
Uncle squishy pants. Um, the train tracks, that's right. Yeah,
Dan was right. She said she would be waiting on
the train tracks, just laying on them. Well, I guess
we'll go lay on the train tracks. Okay, Uncle Squishing.
(16:50):
What have we done? Oh? Man, I don't know. I
felt like it was just a momentary lash out to
say that, and we might have just just killed Uncle Squishing. Well,
he did a lot of damage. You can't him in
the building. He's a threat to everyone. He's safer on
the train tracks. By boy trained depart at the station.
(17:12):
He for one more little kid? You bet, kid, jop
all two more little kids? Okay, to do kid? He
wait in the Probert the engineer, sure can so excited
over here? Run around here and one who essentially from
(17:33):
the train tracks. What do you mean there's there's an
offer from the train tracks. I do everything and training
I see Squire's sorry started. Oh and that's the end
(17:53):
of Uncle squish, he got squish, he got squished. Oh
he got uncle's QUI strot a poetic in a way
none of us have have worked in television accurately sl
right there. I don't know how that works. Our second
scene comes from Lance. He wrote, Dear Alchemists, I have
(18:15):
been loving the podcast since the first show. Athan listen
to it while doing yardwork on the weekends. I'm sure
the neighbors wonder why I'm laughing so much while pulling weeds,
spreading mulch, and getting points in ivy. I don't think
you're doing all right, guy. In any event, a suggestion
if you all would like. A couple wants to buy
a new car. The various salespeople at the car lot
all really need that sale, and he tries to sabotage
(18:37):
the other to convince the couple to buy from them.
I look forward to the next show, Lance in Baltimore.
This is a nice model, honestly, four door. It looks
pretty good. Looks pretty good. I noticed you're looking. I'm
terribly sorry. Oh no, I was just I was just
checking it out. It's a beautiful car, isn't Yeah, really
(19:00):
really gorgeous. Yeah, you guys newly wents. Don't put any
more pressure on him. We're living together, just living, and
that's fine. I don't want any more. Well, you know,
there's don't do this right now. I'm not doing anything.
You're just making it about the ring, and I just
didn't make it about the rings as if we were married.
I said we're not. And it's not a big deal.
I think it's not. Even saying it's not a big
(19:21):
deal makes it seem like it's a big stuff. That's
your stuff coming by stuff. It's absolutely you've got a
call online. Four I think it's the census. Well the census. Hey,
I'm so sorry. I'm sharing your life with you. That's
enough for me. I'm just I'll be right back. Here's
my car. Thank you, want to thank you too. I
(19:42):
see you looking at this car? Right? Four dos four doors?
Great enough for a family, but also great for just
two people. What mm hmm, I just didn't white? All right, great, Yeah,
it's it good for a family, let's go good for
a film. It's good for a family. It's easily get
a car seat in there too if you need to,
or maybe a dog. We could put a dog in there.
(20:02):
Definitely dog serious I don't you doing it. I'm trying
to make it better. Not worth a dog? Do you
not like a dog? I mean that unconditional love right
off the bat, Like, what are you doing? What are
you talking about? What are you talking about? We're moving
in together, we're getting a car again. I understand that,
but it's just one thing. When do we not get
a dog? Because it's I gotta Brent is one thing?
Hey Jones, he's sorry to interrupt here, but you got
(20:24):
a phone call something about your wife and a divorce.
I probably should take this. He's been threatening for months.
So here's my car. No, we only need one because
we share everything. I'm not gonna hold both. Just take
one of them. Are we doing here, folks? Anything I
can help you with? Yeah? We're just looking at this
sess today and it's it's really nice. It's sparkles like
(20:47):
a diamond. It's really nice. So clearly you've been married
a long time now. We're not married. No, we're not married. Okay, married.
We don't need a piece of paper. No we don't.
We don't need No, we don't. No, we don't because
love doesn't need paper. I agree. Okay, Well, speaking of
(21:08):
a piece of paper. What is you married? Are you
doing this? I'm not doing anything. I'm trying to make conversation.
Are you married? That's what I just did? Well, proppably
married for twenty Oh my gosh. Let me show you
a picture, not just a picture of you, that's a
picture of me. That was me the day I got married.
(21:31):
Look great, thank you all Denim all denim. Wow it
was the nineties, ZIZI here your wife. Your wife's on
the phone right now. She needs you to take this call. Okay,
very badly. Oh no, I better take this call. Okay,
do you want us to keep the picture? You can?
(21:52):
Please take the picture. Take three of them looking at
this car. Yeah, we've been looking at the car. Yeah.
You guys got kids? No, we don't have kids. No,
we don't have kids. You have a dog? No you're married? Nope, nope,
And we don't want to be. We're happy to just
be sharing our life together. Needs paper. Let me show you,
(22:13):
guys a couple of motorcycles in sure you know what?
That's more like the life we're living, isn't it. Yeah
it makes a great point. We're living a motorcycle life.
I love it. Let's do it. I don't love it.
I don't want to live a motorcycle. I I don't
want to be shoving for two motorcycles. That's psychotic. Look
at me, Look at me. I don't want about a motorcycle.
(22:33):
You never want to take a chance. No, No, I
wanted to get a car with you, and I wanted
to move in with you because I thought we're moving
towards because everything I say triggers. We got to share
one car, share one car? Do know how to do
a motorcycle? What is it? You got a phone call
the cast a wild Hogs and making a sequel and
they want to bring you on a marriage. Don't be
(22:59):
a to marriag. If you don't want me to be
afraid of the motorcycle, I don't want you to be
a friend of Americans. Get flies in your mouth? What's
what are you talking about? I don't know a lot
of married people with flies in their mouth that are
scraping off the highway. Oh yeah, what do you hear
about that couple that passed on the on the train track.
I didn't on anything because you know why, because I'm
talking to your mother on the phone all the time.
(23:21):
Talk to my mother, talk to my mom. She's got
sny Well I don't. She should stop calling me, don't
answer it, Okay, then she'll be mad at me. The
manager of this establishment here, is there is there a problem?
Not at all. We're just trying to decide between this
(23:42):
or the motorcycles. No, we've already decided we're not getting
two motorcycles. Okay. Well, all of our all of our
sales associates have a thousand yards stare right now, and
they all claim that it's because of you too, So
I just like to think you're good. I think it's
probably just my fault, but that's the way things tend
to shake out around. Wow, are you serious? It's probably
(24:04):
my fault, But I think everybody's like Stephanie. Who would
want to commit to Stephanie? Get away from Stephanie. It's George.
George did it? George the guy George manager's manager. And
if you're not going to buy a car, then get
the funk off of our locks. Okay, you're not worry
(24:24):
of one of our car Come on, the word tall
you something right now? I would taste something right now, Okay,
something George does how you sound? I'm right here, tell
you joice something now, George, tell you somewhere to me.
Tell me, it's gonna go damn. You want to say it,
It's gonna go right into your heart and it's gonna
(24:46):
blow your mind. Stop looking at our Sudan's okay, you're
not even worthy to lay eyes on them. Oh really,
we could lay whatever we want on your you know what,
dumper on this, you buy it, right, I'm not buying
the scraps. No, no, no, we could dump on it
and we wouldn't buy it. I'm sorry, folks. I'm a
lot relationship counselor. They bring me in when sales go
(25:08):
bad because of turmoil between two people, and I'd just
like to come in here and try to help solve
this situation. I want you to hear, hear each other.
We're gonna shoot on that car. Yeah, okay, Now, what's
your which, what's your name? I'm Stephanie, Stephanie, and you
are George. Let me George, George here. You didn't you
didn't George stammering that. George, listen to me. I didn't
(25:36):
do that. I didn't stay Okay, yes, you didn't talk.
You're getting Senalia just like your mom. Don't say that
don't say I'm just poking your shoulder. Okay, I didn't
hurt you to shoot on this Carlo, you I'm gonna
do it right now. I'm gonna shoot on this car.
And I want you to really hear me when I
say I'm going to dump on this sedan. Okay, hands
(26:00):
going and it's going down. This is hard because you
guys decide if you wanted to. Wow, what the hell
is going on for the better of their relationship? It's cool.
I'm this man does not working. He doesn't work here. No,
he's the self appointed relationship counselor. He shows up a
(26:20):
couple of times a week. He's just doing good here.
You're gonna get a sale after I figured the dunk
off of my by whatever you guys are do George,
we've been through a lot together. We really have. Could
be pretty funny. Time to propose. I'll take a motorcycle.
(26:41):
Oh I will too. Oh no, we're not doing this together.
What do you mean you're breaking up with me? Yeah?
I want a motorcycle. Prepare the paperwork just big enough
for one. You got it? No side car, no even
no even hook up for a side car. And I
guess if You're relationship is ending. I'll take a minivan,
(27:02):
all right, prepare the paperwork. Thanks George. Why are you
getting the most impressing thing I could think of to
drive solo? Oh um, honey, I tried to shoot on
the car. It didn't know good. I'm not helping anybody.
Don't you say that. Don't you say that. My little
(27:24):
boy is gonna be a It's gonna be a big by,
big bright, shining star of the of the world, of
of of what is it that you call this job?
You made up relationship counselor lot use Carl car lot
relationship counseling. You're gonna be the big cone of it.
I don't know. Most of my friends are playing video
(27:45):
games and trying to score. I'm a fifteen year old
who wants to shoot on a car to help a relationship. Well,
you know what, some people are doing important things in
the world and some people aren't. You think video games
are important? No, you think that shifting on a car
to show a relationship when it should be Yeah, I
don't know. I just don't think I'm going to get
into Dartmouth or Princeton. I think I just need to
(28:07):
go to a state school and reset, come here, we've
got a very interesting application. I know, we don't. We've
got a very exciting after What is it? What does
it say? What? He disregard the g p A. Disregard
(28:33):
the g p A, disregard the g A. They've asked, Yes,
Cambridge cadge, all the heads of all the ivy league.
When we've decided what this student is up, where we
will auction in bid? Yes, yes, I've Justice League. Now oh,
here we go. Point one disregard gp A fascinating start points. True,
(28:57):
I'm only fifteen. No, no, I'm not fifteen. I've been
fifteen and I'm no longer fifteen. The applicant fifty, right,
but we've had younger in the course of course, they've
been geniuses. His person is of average intelligence? Right? What what?
(29:20):
Why did you call us all in here? Because point three? Right,
look at my CV and it's attached. And then when
I look at the TV or not used car Relationship
counselor this is your CV. No, no, no, no, no,
this applicant CV. He's reading the application. It says has
(29:42):
saved upwards five relationships by sitting on cars. It's a
dartmouth man. If ever, I heard. Well, it is a
tulip pointed representative of Princeton. We've been coming to our
(30:02):
fine establishment. Wait, if he likes to shut on cars,
why not Brown. There's a gentleman from Soxford. I think
that is. Where are you from? Soxford University is one
of those state schools? Onto fest? Oh you've seen my
(30:30):
chest underneath his vest. He's the chest of a statement. Kirby,
that's spoons for you. I got into Brown, you did, honey,
It's so exciting. That's a little on the nose, but
(30:53):
I'm excited. You're fifth. Oh my baby's fifteen and he's
gonna go to Brown. I just don't think I'm ready
for you to go to college yet. I think I'm ready.
All right? Is she looking at some cars here? Huh? Yeah?
Okay cool. If you have any questions, just let me know.
So are you all in a relationship or no? This
is my family. I'm about to go off to college.
(31:15):
Are you all married together? Or how does that work?
How does the family work? Clearly his father and I'm
clearly his mother. Yeah? Is there like I'm kissed? Three?
Just three? Okay? And so who married who? How does
that work? Married? His mother and his father and I
are married. And then who you got you kind of
cherry pick or we had them? There are children? Okay,
(31:37):
have you done this before? I sell cars all the time.
All right, so I just need something that's gonna, you know,
get me across country. So I can you know, I
just hate hearing that it's gonna be okay, all right,
here you go nice and uh so do you all
sleep in the same bed or how how does that? Just?
(31:57):
Buy a car? Please? Every and going? Okay over here? Oh? No,
which one are you married to? I'm married to my wife. Yes,
we're married. Oh congratulations, we love that. So a car
for the newly wed? Might I suggest a pink Corvette?
Love it? Love it. We've been married for a long time.
(32:19):
I mean you know, we've had our ups and downs
every couple times. It's normal. That's when you brought that
one in. Well, spice it up, spicing it up with
I'm going to college. The cars for me, it's for me,
it's for the second husband. This is our son to
drive to Providence, Rhode Island. Oh, so you're gonna want
(32:41):
a aqua vehicle? What? I love it? Guys? Why are
we doing this? Let's just go to Uncle Squishies a
lot across town. You don't want to go to Squishes. Oh,
we got good deals here, alight, better than Uncle Squishy
can do. We guarantee, we guarantee, we guarantee it. I guarantee.
(33:02):
Do you guarantee the eight high fives when you buy
the car like he does? We can make that happen.
Oh yeah, no problem, no problem. Happy to get in
the mix of this crazy marriage crupple, it's not you
know what. Let's just go to Uncle Squishies. No, well,
here we are. Look at that animatronic was dead? Animatronics alive? Honey?
(33:34):
But why is he not dead? But that's how animatronics work.
He should be dead forever thanks to what Yeah they
I guess they just put Uncle Squishy's brain inside a
new robot body. Can they do that with Grandma? Oh? Honey? Dead? Maybe?
(34:01):
I don't think they're ai. I don't think they're ayeing everybody,
just the important ones. It was important. She made the
best jam. Oh she was important to you. Oh your
grandmother was dead forever up top one five. So sorry
(34:24):
about grandma, honey. We're all suffering. Uncle Squshy. We'd like
to get our son a car for college. Where are
you going? I'm going to Brown. You must like the
ship on cars, dude, it's my passion. Well here's one
you can take a ship on anytime you want. Wow,
Mazda Miata. I'll be careful, honey. That's a convertible. You
(34:47):
don't want to take a ship in the car. That's
that's fair. Let me just do it on the hood.
Then let me see how this feels. Gonna take a frispin,
that's all. Yeah, But I think this is the car
like my life. I don't like my off, I don't
(35:10):
like my dad, I don't like my brother, and I
don't like Uncle Squitchy, and my grandma's dead. And she
was the one that will saw me. She deserves her
own spin off special three years old, very very She
was the one that should have been going, you know,
to the ivy leagues. Our third scene comes from Clint,
(35:36):
who wrote, I've been listening since the start of this podcast,
and I've loved every episode. I listened while I'm at
work doing my flaps. I work in water treatment for
my local government. You make me laugh out loud, disturbing
the safety officer in the office next door. My idea
is we need to get nerves control. He's got a
big job. My idea is a safety officer and inspecting
(36:00):
a new building which is wildly out of code, but
the people working there are totally incompetent. Keep up the
hilarious work, Clint from North Carolina. The second floors, that's uh,
we presume a lot of flooding might have been there.
That's above the first fool. You assume a lot of
(36:27):
flooding is going to happen on the second floor because
we're handed out finished the I'm sorry, I was called
in here to inspect this building and you're just flat
out telling me that you did a terrible job with it.
The second floor my flood, Yeah, I noticed already wrote
(36:49):
down that the second floor the breaker up there, I
got a lot of exposed wires. Yeah, I wanted to
ask you about that. Why exactly is the breaker sitting
in a half full fish aquarium? I don't know. That's
where I keep the dogs, so I figured I just
leave them all up there and keep them in a
safe place. Second floor, all right. I didn't even notice
that there were dogs in there as perhaps, so would
you notice the dogs? Why wouldn't I notice the dogs?
(37:12):
Tell him we're painted him like the walls you carry.
You see you dogs, it's a new breed. We created
camo dogs military budget, and we're gonna send them camo
dog bitch. Alright, I do have a few other things
i'd like to Yes, you're right, I'm I'm I got
(37:34):
I'm a bit. I got into a property manager. I
thought you you're not the property managers. Doesn't look like
we're property man. By god, I checked in on you.
(37:55):
Oh are you the property manager? I managed the property
are I've got to say there's some serious violations here.
The only violation is that every dog isn't camoed. You
guys have been camoing dogs, which frankly I did not
even know was a verb. And uh and then this
(38:17):
building is a nightmare. Look around at this place, for god.
Think you have a ninth floor but no floors three
through eight. Those floors overrated. It's just stilts with a
floor at the top. They only had enough money. Fun
three flaws. Let me finish, boss. The favorite numbers nine
(38:39):
because when you flip it over at six and when
you put it by a nine, it's sixty nine. Hey, yeah,
Mr Inspector, Hold on a second. Why I don't even
think they'll notice I'm gone. Hey, what I'm a whistleblower.
(39:00):
What I'm a whistle blower? What? Okay? I think this
building might not be up to code? Yeah, yeah, I
think I think you're absolutely right. This building is not
up to code. If anything you need, I can get
you information. You just can't use my name. Okay, thank
thank you, I appreciate Ted. Anybody want to I'll take seconds. Also,
(39:23):
what do you what do they even? What are they
even calling this room that you're living in here? This
is Ted's room. It's called Ted's room, and they keep
me in here? Why you just have one extension cord
going out of the room. There's no wall outlets in here.
That keeps saying they're gonna sell tickets, sell tickets to
(39:45):
see you. I don't know. I don't know, Ted, Ted,
you want to blow the whistle? Okay, you're blowing. This
is it? This is you are currently blowing the whistle.
I think they didn't build any handicapped ramps, Ted, Ted, Yeah,
want you to know You're seven o'clock is sold out?
Oh no, they're selling tickets. You don't know what for.
(40:06):
But it's you got a complice for the matinee tomorrow
because it's almost sold out. If you got accomplice, you
gotta get it to me. I don't have any comps.
Nobody knows I'm here, Ted. Everybody apparently knows you're here.
God's sake. Look, it's gonna be really hard for me
to not use you as a whistle blower and not
use your name because you're the only other person in
this building. Okay, but whatever you can do to just
(40:30):
stop this building, to stop the building, that's all right.
Condemn it, whatever you have to do. Honest, I'm gonna
be perfectly honest with you, Ted, I really didn't need
a whistleblower to tell me that this building was really
in terrible shape. I want to be your deep throat. Okay,
you can be deep throat. Yeah, Like, if you don't
tell me who your contact is, I'm not going to
(40:50):
be able to condemn the building. You know how this works.
You you can see from I mean, I'm your contact.
Look at this list. Look at this list of problems
that this building has. The foundation is literally made of
quick sand. Like, I understand that you're telling me this,
but I'm gonna need a third party to tell me
that that's actually what's going down. About to take the
condemned list down to city Hall? Do we have any
of the names Ted? Wait? Wait, wait, wait before you go,
(41:12):
before you go wow, back up, back up, Okay, back up, Okay,
no one gets that close to my face before you go.
Much better, I'm gonna go talk to a guy. All right,
I'll be right back. Don't send the list until I
go down doing the number on my nuts. Ted's in
the middle of a performance right now. I have to
(41:33):
see Ted, right, No, think you k busy? Ted's killing
it and I gotta go back in ticket? Yeah, I
find I'd like one ticket? Please? How much you got?
Oh my god, are you a scalper? You look? Do
you want to take it to see Ted? And that? Yeah?
I need a ticket to see Ted? How much you go?
About sixteen dollars? I have a couple of quars? Sixteen fifty? Said,
(41:55):
you've got a couple of coins? Yeah? How many coins?
You got to? Two quarters? It's the fifties, all right,
let's do it for justin Coinsifty's bigger than sixteen, ain't it?
You know what? It? Sure is? Fine? I guess I'll
give you these fifty cents instead of these six dollars.
The boy, thank you. Sorry. Nobody gets seated after act
(42:20):
once you get the intermission. Fine, you could go in
for Act five right after intermission. What happens to at two, three,
and four, at one and at five? A good? Alright?
Can I get you a drink while you wait? You
want to eat a fot from concessions? No, I don't
want to eat a fart from concessions? Uh? Yeah, you know,
(42:43):
what about a spicy fot? No? I don't want question. Question. Yeah,
you don't see any dogs in here? Do you know? Dogs? Again?
You know what? That's it. I'm just going in there.
(43:05):
I'm just going in there. Please please help me, Ted,
Please help me this part of the ship. Just here
in the middle of a performance. What exactly are you doing? Look?
Act five they're gonna flood, They're gonna flood this level.
Oh god, you know what. Come with me, Ted, Come
(43:25):
with me. I know you don't want to be outwardly
the voice of dissension in this building. You think he's
a hero. Hero that's just established and that character. I'm
just a t Comes on, Ted, Come with me, We've
got to get downtown to the building. Inspectors making me
do eight shows a week. There's no understudies. Just come
(43:45):
with me, Ted, I'm getting I'm literally telling you how
to get out of this situation right now, Ted is
a love story. I really can't leave in the middle
of a performance. You're gonna flood the place. What a
gladigator leave in the middle of a performance if he could? Yes.
The one part I like is the curtain call. They
really don't do it now. It's versus his love for call.
(44:08):
Now do something that's never been done in theater before.
Take your curtain call right now and get off the
stage before they fled this place. Thank you. That's not
a curtain call. I've got an application another Princeton man. Yeah,
this guy is a performance an't do? Why am I
(44:30):
looking up applicant Lernew You say he's very good. He's
very good. He's been performing eight shows a week down
at the Condemned but not get Condemned Camel Dog man
like Harvard Love Haven? What we kill you? Yes? Oh?
(44:57):
Does you are you? Are you the stocks for guy
from my brother? My brother? What are you from? Trilling me?
Trill at the State School. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
Don't come now, this is I the Camo dogs. Well,
(45:22):
I can't see the best money the Ivy Justice League
ever spent was all those Camo dogs. Say, God damnit, sergeant,
get in here, and then hearing about these things Camo dogs. Yes, yes,
about this, Yes, I wasn't I informed about this. Why
aren't these Camo dogs working for the United States military? Goddamnit?
(45:45):
Well they're still being tested out, sir, still being tested,
field tested, field ted. What kind of idiots would field
test Camo dogs? Did you bring them in with you? Sure?
Did privates line up? A line can be in the shape?
Cann't not? Oh my head, my head. These guys showed up,
(46:09):
so they were drafting, even though we got rid of
that a long time ago. So we just decided they're
privates in the military. People We need bodies. They are
they are? I am being generous and saying disheveled, yes, sir,
but they have a way with camera dogs. There came
dog whispers, sir, Camo dog whispers. Huh, alright, cameo dog whispers.
Are you gonna eat all those pens? No, I'm not
(46:31):
gonna eat any of them. I gonna have them around there. Uh,
nobody eats farts around. Get your hands off the pen
one huh. Yes, I have a ceiling, the better to
keep the rain out. My dear, I'm the big wolf
from red Head. All right, Am I gonna have to sergeant,
(46:54):
Am I gonna have to put up with this kind
of ship to get if you want the camera dogs,
they're part of the package deal, sir. Alright, you know
when the red Head thing, the grandma has been eaten
by the wolf the whole time. Yeah, riding hood. It's
a classic. Hey colonel, yeah over here, Yeah, what who
are you? I'm a whistleblower? What there's a conspiracy, But
(47:16):
there's a conspiracy with Let me shut the door. There's
a conspiracy. I'm sorry, now I'll shut the door. Well,
she's hold on all right, let me all right. You
stay there, you stay here. Let me come around. Now,
both of you stay on this side of the door.
(47:39):
I'm gonna go in here, and I'm gonna talk to this.
Do you want your pens? No, you can eat one
of my pens if you need to. All right, look,
I'm gonna tell you a crazy story. Okay, And did
he go straight to the top. Okay, there's no limits
to who's involved in this. Okay, I'm gonna tell you
(48:00):
a story about eight men in England can decide where
all Ivy League students and public school students go. I
mean this sounds a little far fetched. Do you realize
I'm gonna tell you a story about people shooting on
mini vans, relationships getting solved. Okay, I'm gonna tell you
a story about an octopus who died on a train track,
(48:21):
but maybe he didn't die. Um do you do you
actually have a conspiracy theory that you want to let
me know about, or a real problem that you've seen
that you want to whistle blow, or are you just
gonna ramble about these kind of things? This is? Is
this all connected somehow? I don't understand what you're saying.
It's all in one episode of alchemy? This what got
(48:42):
to be connected? What? It goes straight to the top,
straight to the top of alchemy. This, yes, all the
way up to Kevin. Kevin's never here. I'm sorry to interrupt, buddy,
he can't make it. How did you get here? Oh,
I'm always Oh my god, how did you get in here? Um?
I just have been here. I don't remember a life
before this. Hey everybody, I'm here again. Sorry cool Stratton
(49:09):
disappointed looking all your he's the front. I'm James Heeney
and I'm here too. I'm Joey. Have been even McCom
that's inaccurate. We're spitting inception tops over here. Oh my god.
(49:32):
Oh that's our show for today. Let's go around and
say what we're up to. Mark gig already. You can
catch me at the Beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater on the
last Wednesday Wednesday of the month with Craig Kowski playing
with work us iprov H and also Blood and Treasure
(49:53):
Season one, now available on Amazon Prime. Vanessa Raglan, I'm
usually a Dynasty type right to the aforementioned hanging out
scooping corn. We just ordered a cotton candy machine. I'm
gonna be twist and sugar and no time to get
tambo dogs soon, and we're trying to but you know
there's a lot of red taper on that understood. Craig Atkowski.
(50:15):
If you're in Austin, Texas over Labor Day weekend, I'll
be scooping corn at the Out of Bounds Comedy Festival. Yeah, yeah,
I love it. Joey Greer at Jeffy Grieber on Instagram,
Bear Supply second fourth, Wednesday, nine o'clock West Side Comedy Theater.
I'm pretty pretty pony. First first Thursday up, last time,
(50:35):
so I wanted. Yeah, that's what it is. We always
show up most of the time, right. I'm at Cole
Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on Instagram. Always getting
a fews. I don't know which is which. Um, yeah,
that's about it comes see pretty pretty pony. As he mentioned,
let's thank our sound engineer Doug I Hate Billy, Joel Bay,
(50:58):
our post sound design artist Rough El Brito, our producers
Sophie Lichtman, and lastly I heart Media. Encourage all of
you to write a review, tell everyone you've ever met,
and write to us at your name here at alchemy
(51:19):
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. Until next time. No
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who's off
shooting the prequel to End of Days. Plenty of Days left.
Let's meet her Chemist for today. She's also fierce on
the runway. Vanessa Ragland, what's your signature? Look? This is
kind of grimace. I wish you guys could see this.
(00:26):
It was really good. It was I want to buy
whatever she's selling next. He's the end of the world
and he knows it. Joey Greer, Yes, I am Joey.
How's it all gonna end? I don't want to spoil it.
He's so angsty he needs to dance hardcore in a barn,
Mark Gagliardie Mark, what song really gets you going? Um?
(00:47):
Right now? The confrontation song from La miz Oh. That's
a good one. Yeah, right now. You're too hip for
your own good. I mentioned the world where musical theater
is awesome. Row finally, working too hard can give you
a heart attack? Atta Kikok Craig, would you get in
(01:07):
a car with Billy Joel in a heartbeat? I wouldn't
let him drive? That's was that what you were asking?
I didn't specify that I would get in a vehicle
with him. What's the cultural take on Billy Joel at
this point, cool or not? I don't think he's like
three years away from people being like, Billy Joel's the coolest,
(01:29):
Like it's kind of about that. I mean, you two
is not cool, right YouTube they were there's They've always
been the biggest band in the world, so they didn't
don't have a chance to be cool or not cool.
They're just they're just a stadium. I think they got
a chance not to be cool, but I don't know
that my opinion counts. I just don't think they're cool. Wait,
(01:51):
do we have goss hot Goss? We don't know. We
don't know the truth from Bam, We're just getting headshakes
and comes down for Beast and Furious presents. Babe. All right, well,
let's get to our first scene. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
(02:11):
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at alchemy this dot com. Our first scene comes
from David, who wrote, Dear Alchemists, I would like to
begin the way I'll finish, passionately and without warning. Thank you,
say that you all have made my job much easier.
I travel three to four days a week and usually
(02:32):
drive four plus hours at a time. I have laughed
so hard I've cried, spit water all over my dashboard,
and swallowed my gum. I would like to suggest a
scene we always see the public facing side of a
live action children's show, such as Sesame Street, Blues Clues,
Baby signing time, et cetera. I have a one year
signing time and maybe it's singing time, but it's it's
type signing time here, so I'm gonna do that terrifying
(02:55):
show teaches America signed like which to Toddler, it's important
signed us NBA right now. I have a one year
old and would love to see your interpretation of what
goes on behind the scenes in the writer's room after
bad takes craft services, et cetera. I'll be overjoyed to
hear you all take this and run with it. I
would like to tell everyone that I thoroughly enjoy all
of your characters. You're wonderful. Thank you again. Can't wait
(03:17):
to hear the next episode. Sincerely, David, it's a rap.
I can't do that anymore. A sure reason. I got
your a costume in uh in the trailer, so whenever
you need it, it's over there. I'm wearing the costume
I need for the day. I don't need the other costume. Okay,
do we have a for tomorrow? Christ Uncle Squishy, Hey, Dwayne,
(03:42):
you can knock it off. I don't know who Dwayne is,
Uncle Squishy. You don't have to always be on Lawrence.
I don't know why you even why do you even try.
I don't know him. I don't because because I have
faith in him. When when he was hired here sixty
one year ago, everybody had faith in him, and we
(04:03):
don't have to be nice to him anymore. Like no,
I just feel like he's such a legacy here. Well,
I'm going to stop. Okay, Uncle Squishy, Oh my god,
look at this the squishy people. How are you doing?
Corporate new time over? So? I want to just say
(04:30):
the ratings are up. The kids love it, the parents
love it. I think it's because I'm doing more feminist
stuff with my character. Thank you for listening to the
notes on what that was fantastic, you know, we're progressive,
we're moving. Yeah, so I want to let you all
know we're gonna do a live show show. We're gonna
do a live show. Boss. There's no way that Jayne's
(04:53):
gonna be able to handle a live show. I think
he will know he can't, can't take it. I think
I know he's ninety, and when he hits ninety, we'll
have a talk. He's not all there. He's always uncle squishy.
He moves very slowly. We have to edit around him
and you don't have to. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to.
(05:14):
I'm trying to call angles on all of these cameras
and he's just wandering all over the set. What do
you think he's going to do on a live show.
I think he's gonna from his own year in half
the time, and then we'll guess what. We'll get a
little schlop pot of the bottom of the stage and
it will excuse me. I don't think I'm supposed to
be back here. I'm lost. Hey, you want me to
help you buy? Yeah, if that would be great. Jesus Christ,
(05:37):
why am I doing this because you have one that
all the kids left? Get the kid to his mother? Yeah,
you know, I just I don't give a shit about it.
You know, I've been working like two weeks on the
set and that just sucking. Sucks. Yeah, you know, you
tell me about it. We've been we've been out of here.
(05:58):
I swear to god, they're gonna put cameras out be
able to smoking pit. One of these days. They're gonna
put cameras out of here. They're gonna put mics out
of here. They're listening to everything we say. Corporate guy, yeah,
Steve Oh always uses to oh at the end, that guy.
They're gonna turn this whole thing into like a cam
girl scenario. You know what I meant smoking all that.
If I wasn't two weeks from my pension, i'd get
out now. Yeah. I got a friend who works the
(06:20):
baby signing time, I might yeah. Yeah, wait, your two
weeks from your pension. Why you know what, you're gonna
go get a new job after you retire. I don't know.
I just you like to work, huh. I like to work.
It's all about that. Yeah, I get it. Oh, Hey, guys,
are we smoking? Yeah? Trying to quit any room for
the new kid or no? Yeah? Going out kidding? Okay,
(06:45):
So we're smoking. We're smoking. What do we do more?
Old burloughs, I don't smoke. Yeah, he's American spirits, American
spirit PAULA guy got gonna kill Dwayne if he comes
by my craft s trailer's table one more and calls
Red Vines fun time. Squishy straws, I'm gonna fucking cut him. Oh, Dwayne,
(07:09):
sweet listen, I'm trying to get into the boys club.
I'm willing to do what it takes well doing what
it takes me complaining a lot about Uncle Squishy, I'll
tell you that. N Yeah, you weren't here when Dwayne
killed him? Man what Yeah? Yeah, Dwayne, Uncle Squishy killed him?
In what happened? How to do it? Excuse me? Uncle Squishy,
(07:34):
that's my name and that's my game. Oh would you
mind signing this? It's it's a Auburn Helbert helmet. It's
Auburn helmet. I just want your singature. I know you
played there. You're a tight end for Auburn University and uh,
Uncle Squishy octopus. I know that, But Dwayne Doyne Helper,
you were your tight end for Dwayne Helper. You were
(07:58):
a tight end for Auburn univer there's no one by
that name anymore. Why don't you drop the act and
just signed the helmet? He stabbed him eight times, one
freest tenticle. It's unbelievable. Wait, he was a football player.
You're missing the point of his story. Don't don't bring
it up. Don't bring it up. I just love football.
(08:21):
Really Yeah, why did you say like that? Well, because
this is such a boys club. This is such a
boys club. I can't love football. Yeah, it's an amazing game.
You know, we will talk about it. We just think
with the CT and the fact they don't play, they
don't pay college players, it just it's well, guess what,
I'm a fan of the CT. I'm sorry. Like you
like head trauma? Yeah, I love it? Yeah, that's that's crazy. Yeah,
(08:46):
I mean, what the hell? Hey, come on, we're I'm
supposed to say crazy alright, Sorry, yeah, crazy cigarettes? Try
hold on, let me roll you one. I gotta roll mine. Okay, okay, okay,
the season eight arc. Okay, we have to be concise
on this all right now, Uncle Squishy. In the timeline
(09:09):
so far, he said he hasn't he has had kids.
He hasn't had kids, He hasn't hadd hasn't had kids,
no kids. Okay, so then let's add we're not adding kids.
The kids watch the show. Uncle Squishy is everyone's uncle.
We can't be daddy uncle Squishy. We also added an
orphan in season sixty, episode eight, So we've done that
before and it didn't go great. Thirty minutes till the
(09:31):
light show starts, I'm gonna need a scrap. Yes, okay,
I think we just do the thing where he sings
the eight arms song again. How many times he's gonna
do that? He can do that three times? How you
can do that three times? In the show eight arms,
eight arms? Ears got one arm over here, one over there,
one over here, and one over here, one over here
(09:56):
and one over here and one on over here. You
sounds like the scripts. Ready, let's get wrong. Were just
sing the song? What if he did it in Spanish?
Shut that anyone? You know? Yeah? Why is somebody pointing
(10:18):
at the brown guy in the writer's yeah brass brassy? Hello?
Oh my god? What does that mean? What does that means?
We have twenty minutes? Are we add percent that? That's
(10:40):
what that means? Yeah, that's what that means. You're getting
distracted by the wrong thing. We have to we have
a live show. We got Uncle Squshy. We'll do the
arm song three times, then another time in Spanish that's
four three, So he's gonna say I got an arm
over here twenty four times over the course of the show,
but in different languages. So I think it's okay, bent
Amon nudos. What if that someone's name, If that's a
call for help, it's not. It means twenty minutes, where's
(11:06):
graph service? It's never moved. Well, I'm gonna squish them
down the hall. My uncle Squishy, Oh my god. Do
you think he's like that at home? What do you mean, Grandpa?
We have to talk. What's Grandpa's It's it's about it's
(11:32):
about Marline. I'm sorry, Mrs Squishy. What's wrong with this?
Is squishy? You may have noticed there's an e KG
attached to her and her bed has been replaced with
a hospital bed, and she's been making that noise a lot.
(11:57):
Let's see if we could all make that noise. It's
not I'm not going to help, Look, Uncle Squishy, it's not.
Try again, kids, very good. I just think Grandpa should
just hugger goodbye because it's probably times. Yeah, that's the death. Cop.
(12:23):
That was the death that's coming soon. Well, I'll hugger
with this arm. I don't hugger with this arm. Hugger
with this song. Goddamnit, hugger with us arm. I've got
eight arms to hold you. I heard a bad word. Yeah,
(12:45):
so it's you know, things have been going crazy for
him at home. But I don't know if he's gonna
be able to handle this guy. We don't have a choice.
We don't even know what bendos means. You gotta mean anything. Now,
you have to get this show together. We can have
the other characters do more songs. We can have them improvised.
(13:06):
IV I don't know it's fun. Are we gonna? Are
we gonna put in more of that feminist crap that
she's been preaching along there? I think it would buy
us sometimes. All right, fine, get her out there on
top of the show. I gotta fade this into the prompter.
We ready, I gotta feed it into the problem. What
are we going to put in the prompter? What are
we going to put him the prop anyone have anything
to put in the propect? I know what it is.
I know what it is. Bay means to to beckon.
(13:29):
To nudo means by means to beeccan are getting that?
Oh my god? What does that mean? I think? Are
we a hundred? Someone has to have something to put
in the prompter. Anybody, what are we gonna put in?
(13:50):
Send him the file, send him the last whatever, the
last thing you wrote. Put it, we'll put it in
the prompt. Okay, and emailed him sent sent okay, Ready,
this is what you want to put in the from
all right, I put it in the ro all right,
put it in the put it in the prompter. Okid,
(14:13):
Uncle Squishy, do you know what painting minw toast means?
Bay means to beckon? Oh oh what she wanted to
see me? Or yeah, we did want to see you? Yea?
(14:35):
What is this about? What do you think it's about?
What do you think it's about? That's good? I wore sandals.
You think that's why you think that? As our live
show was starting and Uncle Squishy was going on and
on about what maintaining new Toast means that it's because
you were sandals that you're in here today, we asked
to send the teleprompter the script. I was struggling to
(15:00):
find the word. Yeah I did. I did, and that's
what you thought that Uncle Squishy should say. Is this
about steppers or no, it's not about your sandals. This
is about going into the lives. This is about going
into the live show. I'm sorry to overstep. That's okay,
don't overstep. It's you're not overstepping at all. No, I
(15:21):
was overstepping, Dan, and I shouldn't have. It's okay, I
don't mind. You can handle this. You know, we we
both have the same I've been here longer, but we
both have the same job. So there it was, you
tell me it's not a thing, and then you just
sneak in that you've been here long because I think
we're losing the thread here. Okay. After he fed that
(15:42):
into the prompter, it was then just stats about Auburn
football players throughout the year he flipped out. He stabbed
each of those kids eight times. Thankfully he only had
a spoon, so it just gave them little bruises. But
still the damage is done. The house friend wait to
way to trigger him, way to trigger him? Gary. It
(16:04):
was the last thing I wrote, how long have you
been standing there? Anyone know where Mrs Squishy is? I
can't find her anywhere. Um, I heard she's I heard
she's in the parking lot. Yeah, she's. Uh. If she's
not in the parking lot, she's on the train tracks
(16:26):
or very dead. He was joking, a horrible joke, Mr
Uncle squishy pants. Um, the train tracks, that's right. Yeah,
Dan was right. She said she would be waiting on
the train tracks, just laying on them. Well, I guess
we'll go lay on the train tracks. Okay, Uncle Squishing.
(16:50):
What have we done? Oh? Man, I don't know. I
felt like it was just a momentary lash out to
say that, and we might have just just killed Uncle Squishing. Well,
he did a lot of damage. You can't him in
the building. He's a threat to everyone. He's safer on
the train tracks. By boy trained depart at the station.
(17:12):
He for one more little kid? You bet, kid, jop
all two more little kids? Okay, to do kid? He
wait in the Probert the engineer, sure can so excited
over here? Run around here and one who essentially from
(17:33):
the train tracks. What do you mean there's there's an
offer from the train tracks. I do everything and training
I see Squire's sorry started. Oh and that's the end
(17:53):
of Uncle squish, he got squish, he got squished. Oh
he got uncle's QUI strot a poetic in a way
none of us have have worked in television accurately sl
right there. I don't know how that works. Our second
scene comes from Lance. He wrote, Dear Alchemists, I have
(18:15):
been loving the podcast since the first show. Athan listen
to it while doing yardwork on the weekends. I'm sure
the neighbors wonder why I'm laughing so much while pulling weeds,
spreading mulch, and getting points in ivy. I don't think
you're doing all right, guy. In any event, a suggestion
if you all would like. A couple wants to buy
a new car. The various salespeople at the car lot
all really need that sale, and he tries to sabotage
(18:37):
the other to convince the couple to buy from them.
I look forward to the next show, Lance in Baltimore.
This is a nice model, honestly, four door. It looks
pretty good. Looks pretty good. I noticed you're looking. I'm
terribly sorry. Oh no, I was just I was just
checking it out. It's a beautiful car, isn't Yeah, really
(19:00):
really gorgeous. Yeah, you guys newly wents. Don't put any
more pressure on him. We're living together, just living, and
that's fine. I don't want any more. Well, you know,
there's don't do this right now. I'm not doing anything.
You're just making it about the ring, and I just
didn't make it about the rings as if we were married.
I said we're not. And it's not a big deal.
I think it's not. Even saying it's not a big
(19:21):
deal makes it seem like it's a big stuff. That's
your stuff coming by stuff. It's absolutely you've got a
call online. Four I think it's the census. Well the census. Hey,
I'm so sorry. I'm sharing your life with you. That's
enough for me. I'm just I'll be right back. Here's
my car. Thank you, want to thank you too. I
(19:42):
see you looking at this car? Right? Four dos four doors?
Great enough for a family, but also great for just
two people. What mm hmm, I just didn't white? All right, great, Yeah,
it's it good for a family, let's go good for
a film. It's good for a family. It's easily get
a car seat in there too if you need to,
or maybe a dog. We could put a dog in there.
(20:02):
Definitely dog serious I don't you doing it. I'm trying
to make it better. Not worth a dog? Do you
not like a dog? I mean that unconditional love right
off the bat, Like, what are you doing? What are
you talking about? What are you talking about? We're moving
in together, we're getting a car again. I understand that,
but it's just one thing. When do we not get
a dog? Because it's I gotta Brent is one thing?
Hey Jones, he's sorry to interrupt here, but you got
(20:24):
a phone call something about your wife and a divorce.
I probably should take this. He's been threatening for months.
So here's my car. No, we only need one because
we share everything. I'm not gonna hold both. Just take
one of them. Are we doing here, folks? Anything I
can help you with? Yeah? We're just looking at this
sess today and it's it's really nice. It's sparkles like
(20:47):
a diamond. It's really nice. So clearly you've been married
a long time now. We're not married. No, we're not married. Okay, married.
We don't need a piece of paper. No we don't.
We don't need No, we don't. No, we don't because
love doesn't need paper. I agree. Okay, Well, speaking of
(21:08):
a piece of paper. What is you married? Are you
doing this? I'm not doing anything. I'm trying to make conversation.
Are you married? That's what I just did? Well, proppably
married for twenty Oh my gosh. Let me show you
a picture, not just a picture of you, that's a
picture of me. That was me the day I got married.
(21:31):
Look great, thank you all Denim all denim. Wow it
was the nineties, ZIZI here your wife. Your wife's on
the phone right now. She needs you to take this call. Okay,
very badly. Oh no, I better take this call. Okay,
do you want us to keep the picture? You can?
(21:52):
Please take the picture. Take three of them looking at
this car. Yeah, we've been looking at the car. Yeah.
You guys got kids? No, we don't have kids. No,
we don't have kids. You have a dog? No you're married? Nope, nope,
And we don't want to be. We're happy to just
be sharing our life together. Needs paper. Let me show you,
(22:13):
guys a couple of motorcycles in sure you know what?
That's more like the life we're living, isn't it. Yeah
it makes a great point. We're living a motorcycle life.
I love it. Let's do it. I don't love it.
I don't want to live a motorcycle. I I don't
want to be shoving for two motorcycles. That's psychotic. Look
at me, Look at me. I don't want about a motorcycle.
(22:33):
You never want to take a chance. No, No, I
wanted to get a car with you, and I wanted
to move in with you because I thought we're moving
towards because everything I say triggers. We got to share
one car, share one car? Do know how to do
a motorcycle? What is it? You got a phone call
the cast a wild Hogs and making a sequel and
they want to bring you on a marriage. Don't be
(22:59):
a to marriag. If you don't want me to be
afraid of the motorcycle, I don't want you to be
a friend of Americans. Get flies in your mouth? What's
what are you talking about? I don't know a lot
of married people with flies in their mouth that are
scraping off the highway. Oh yeah, what do you hear
about that couple that passed on the on the train track.
I didn't on anything because you know why, because I'm
talking to your mother on the phone all the time.
(23:21):
Talk to my mother, talk to my mom. She's got
sny Well I don't. She should stop calling me, don't
answer it, Okay, then she'll be mad at me. The
manager of this establishment here, is there is there a problem?
Not at all. We're just trying to decide between this
(23:42):
or the motorcycles. No, we've already decided we're not getting
two motorcycles. Okay. Well, all of our all of our
sales associates have a thousand yards stare right now, and
they all claim that it's because of you too, So
I just like to think you're good. I think it's
probably just my fault, but that's the way things tend
to shake out around. Wow, are you serious? It's probably
(24:04):
my fault, But I think everybody's like Stephanie. Who would
want to commit to Stephanie? Get away from Stephanie. It's George.
George did it? George the guy George manager's manager. And
if you're not going to buy a car, then get
the funk off of our locks. Okay, you're not worry
(24:24):
of one of our car Come on, the word tall
you something right now? I would taste something right now, Okay,
something George does how you sound? I'm right here, tell
you joice something now, George, tell you somewhere to me.
Tell me, it's gonna go damn. You want to say it,
It's gonna go right into your heart and it's gonna
(24:46):
blow your mind. Stop looking at our Sudan's okay, you're
not even worthy to lay eyes on them. Oh really,
we could lay whatever we want on your you know what,
dumper on this, you buy it, right, I'm not buying
the scraps. No, no, no, we could dump on it
and we wouldn't buy it. I'm sorry, folks. I'm a
lot relationship counselor. They bring me in when sales go
(25:08):
bad because of turmoil between two people, and I'd just
like to come in here and try to help solve
this situation. I want you to hear, hear each other.
We're gonna shoot on that car. Yeah, okay, Now, what's
your which, what's your name? I'm Stephanie, Stephanie, and you
are George. Let me George, George here. You didn't you
didn't George stammering that. George, listen to me. I didn't
(25:36):
do that. I didn't stay Okay, yes, you didn't talk.
You're getting Senalia just like your mom. Don't say that
don't say I'm just poking your shoulder. Okay, I didn't
hurt you to shoot on this Carlo, you I'm gonna
do it right now. I'm gonna shoot on this car.
And I want you to really hear me when I
say I'm going to dump on this sedan. Okay, hands
(26:00):
going and it's going down. This is hard because you
guys decide if you wanted to. Wow, what the hell
is going on for the better of their relationship? It's cool.
I'm this man does not working. He doesn't work here. No,
he's the self appointed relationship counselor. He shows up a
(26:20):
couple of times a week. He's just doing good here.
You're gonna get a sale after I figured the dunk
off of my by whatever you guys are do George,
we've been through a lot together. We really have. Could
be pretty funny. Time to propose. I'll take a motorcycle.
(26:41):
Oh I will too. Oh no, we're not doing this together.
What do you mean you're breaking up with me? Yeah?
I want a motorcycle. Prepare the paperwork just big enough
for one. You got it? No side car, no even
no even hook up for a side car. And I
guess if You're relationship is ending. I'll take a minivan,
(27:02):
all right, prepare the paperwork. Thanks George. Why are you
getting the most impressing thing I could think of to
drive solo? Oh um, honey, I tried to shoot on
the car. It didn't know good. I'm not helping anybody.
Don't you say that. Don't you say that. My little
(27:24):
boy is gonna be a It's gonna be a big by,
big bright, shining star of the of the world, of
of of what is it that you call this job?
You made up relationship counselor lot use Carl car lot
relationship counseling. You're gonna be the big cone of it.
I don't know. Most of my friends are playing video
(27:45):
games and trying to score. I'm a fifteen year old
who wants to shoot on a car to help a relationship. Well,
you know what, some people are doing important things in
the world and some people aren't. You think video games
are important? No, you think that shifting on a car
to show a relationship when it should be Yeah, I
don't know. I just don't think I'm going to get
into Dartmouth or Princeton. I think I just need to
(28:07):
go to a state school and reset, come here, we've
got a very interesting application. I know, we don't. We've
got a very exciting after What is it? What does
it say? What? He disregard the g p A. Disregard
(28:33):
the g p A, disregard the g A. They've asked, Yes,
Cambridge cadge, all the heads of all the ivy league.
When we've decided what this student is up, where we
will auction in bid? Yes, yes, I've Justice League. Now oh,
here we go. Point one disregard gp A fascinating start points. True,
(28:57):
I'm only fifteen. No, no, I'm not fifteen. I've been
fifteen and I'm no longer fifteen. The applicant fifty, right,
but we've had younger in the course of course, they've
been geniuses. His person is of average intelligence? Right? What what?
(29:20):
Why did you call us all in here? Because point three? Right,
look at my CV and it's attached. And then when
I look at the TV or not used car Relationship
counselor this is your CV. No, no, no, no, no,
this applicant CV. He's reading the application. It says has
(29:42):
saved upwards five relationships by sitting on cars. It's a
dartmouth man. If ever, I heard. Well, it is a
tulip pointed representative of Princeton. We've been coming to our
(30:02):
fine establishment. Wait, if he likes to shut on cars,
why not Brown. There's a gentleman from Soxford. I think
that is. Where are you from? Soxford University is one
of those state schools? Onto fest? Oh you've seen my
(30:30):
chest underneath his vest. He's the chest of a statement. Kirby,
that's spoons for you. I got into Brown, you did, honey,
It's so exciting. That's a little on the nose, but
(30:53):
I'm excited. You're fifth. Oh my baby's fifteen and he's
gonna go to Brown. I just don't think I'm ready
for you to go to college yet. I think I'm ready.
All right? Is she looking at some cars here? Huh? Yeah?
Okay cool. If you have any questions, just let me know.
So are you all in a relationship or no? This
is my family. I'm about to go off to college.
(31:15):
Are you all married together? Or how does that work?
How does the family work? Clearly his father and I'm
clearly his mother. Yeah? Is there like I'm kissed? Three?
Just three? Okay? And so who married who? How does
that work? Married? His mother and his father and I
are married. And then who you got you kind of
cherry pick or we had them? There are children? Okay,
(31:37):
have you done this before? I sell cars all the time.
All right, so I just need something that's gonna, you know,
get me across country. So I can you know, I
just hate hearing that it's gonna be okay, all right,
here you go nice and uh so do you all
sleep in the same bed or how how does that? Just?
(31:57):
Buy a car? Please? Every and going? Okay over here? Oh? No,
which one are you married to? I'm married to my wife. Yes,
we're married. Oh congratulations, we love that. So a car
for the newly wed? Might I suggest a pink Corvette?
Love it? Love it. We've been married for a long time.
(32:19):
I mean you know, we've had our ups and downs
every couple times. It's normal. That's when you brought that
one in. Well, spice it up, spicing it up with
I'm going to college. The cars for me, it's for me,
it's for the second husband. This is our son to
drive to Providence, Rhode Island. Oh, so you're gonna want
(32:41):
a aqua vehicle? What? I love it? Guys? Why are
we doing this? Let's just go to Uncle Squishies a
lot across town. You don't want to go to Squishes. Oh,
we got good deals here, alight, better than Uncle Squishy
can do. We guarantee, we guarantee, we guarantee it. I guarantee.
(33:02):
Do you guarantee the eight high fives when you buy
the car like he does? We can make that happen.
Oh yeah, no problem, no problem. Happy to get in
the mix of this crazy marriage crupple, it's not you
know what. Let's just go to Uncle Squishies. No, well,
here we are. Look at that animatronic was dead? Animatronics alive? Honey?
(33:34):
But why is he not dead? But that's how animatronics work.
He should be dead forever thanks to what Yeah they
I guess they just put Uncle Squishy's brain inside a
new robot body. Can they do that with Grandma? Oh? Honey? Dead? Maybe?
(34:01):
I don't think they're ai. I don't think they're ayeing everybody,
just the important ones. It was important. She made the
best jam. Oh she was important to you. Oh your
grandmother was dead forever up top one five. So sorry
(34:24):
about grandma, honey. We're all suffering. Uncle Squshy. We'd like
to get our son a car for college. Where are
you going? I'm going to Brown. You must like the
ship on cars, dude, it's my passion. Well here's one
you can take a ship on anytime you want. Wow,
Mazda Miata. I'll be careful, honey. That's a convertible. You
(34:47):
don't want to take a ship in the car. That's
that's fair. Let me just do it on the hood.
Then let me see how this feels. Gonna take a frispin,
that's all. Yeah, But I think this is the car
like my life. I don't like my off, I don't
(35:10):
like my dad, I don't like my brother, and I
don't like Uncle Squitchy, and my grandma's dead. And she
was the one that will saw me. She deserves her
own spin off special three years old, very very She
was the one that should have been going, you know,
to the ivy leagues. Our third scene comes from Clint,
(35:36):
who wrote, I've been listening since the start of this podcast,
and I've loved every episode. I listened while I'm at
work doing my flaps. I work in water treatment for
my local government. You make me laugh out loud, disturbing
the safety officer in the office next door. My idea
is we need to get nerves control. He's got a
big job. My idea is a safety officer and inspecting
(36:00):
a new building which is wildly out of code, but
the people working there are totally incompetent. Keep up the
hilarious work, Clint from North Carolina. The second floors, that's uh,
we presume a lot of flooding might have been there.
That's above the first fool. You assume a lot of
(36:27):
flooding is going to happen on the second floor because
we're handed out finished the I'm sorry, I was called
in here to inspect this building and you're just flat
out telling me that you did a terrible job with it.
The second floor my flood, Yeah, I noticed already wrote
(36:49):
down that the second floor the breaker up there, I
got a lot of exposed wires. Yeah, I wanted to
ask you about that. Why exactly is the breaker sitting
in a half full fish aquarium? I don't know. That's
where I keep the dogs, so I figured I just
leave them all up there and keep them in a
safe place. Second floor, all right. I didn't even notice
that there were dogs in there as perhaps, so would
you notice the dogs? Why wouldn't I notice the dogs?
(37:12):
Tell him we're painted him like the walls you carry.
You see you dogs, it's a new breed. We created
camo dogs military budget, and we're gonna send them camo
dog bitch. Alright, I do have a few other things
i'd like to Yes, you're right, I'm I'm I got
(37:34):
I'm a bit. I got into a property manager. I
thought you you're not the property managers. Doesn't look like
we're property man. By god, I checked in on you.
(37:55):
Oh are you the property manager? I managed the property
are I've got to say there's some serious violations here.
The only violation is that every dog isn't camoed. You
guys have been camoing dogs, which frankly I did not
even know was a verb. And uh and then this
(38:17):
building is a nightmare. Look around at this place, for god.
Think you have a ninth floor but no floors three
through eight. Those floors overrated. It's just stilts with a
floor at the top. They only had enough money. Fun
three flaws. Let me finish, boss. The favorite numbers nine
(38:39):
because when you flip it over at six and when
you put it by a nine, it's sixty nine. Hey, yeah,
Mr Inspector, Hold on a second. Why I don't even
think they'll notice I'm gone. Hey, what I'm a whistleblower.
(39:00):
What I'm a whistle blower? What? Okay? I think this
building might not be up to code? Yeah, yeah, I
think I think you're absolutely right. This building is not
up to code. If anything you need, I can get
you information. You just can't use my name. Okay, thank
thank you, I appreciate Ted. Anybody want to I'll take seconds. Also,
(39:23):
what do you what do they even? What are they
even calling this room that you're living in here? This
is Ted's room. It's called Ted's room, and they keep
me in here? Why you just have one extension cord
going out of the room. There's no wall outlets in here.
That keeps saying they're gonna sell tickets, sell tickets to
(39:45):
see you. I don't know. I don't know, Ted, Ted,
you want to blow the whistle? Okay, you're blowing. This
is it? This is you are currently blowing the whistle.
I think they didn't build any handicapped ramps, Ted, Ted, Yeah,
want you to know You're seven o'clock is sold out?
Oh no, they're selling tickets. You don't know what for.
(40:06):
But it's you got a complice for the matinee tomorrow
because it's almost sold out. If you got accomplice, you
gotta get it to me. I don't have any comps.
Nobody knows I'm here, Ted. Everybody apparently knows you're here.
God's sake. Look, it's gonna be really hard for me
to not use you as a whistle blower and not
use your name because you're the only other person in
this building. Okay, but whatever you can do to just
(40:30):
stop this building, to stop the building, that's all right.
Condemn it, whatever you have to do. Honest, I'm gonna
be perfectly honest with you, Ted, I really didn't need
a whistleblower to tell me that this building was really
in terrible shape. I want to be your deep throat. Okay,
you can be deep throat. Yeah, Like, if you don't
tell me who your contact is, I'm not going to
(40:50):
be able to condemn the building. You know how this works.
You you can see from I mean, I'm your contact.
Look at this list. Look at this list of problems
that this building has. The foundation is literally made of
quick sand. Like, I understand that you're telling me this,
but I'm gonna need a third party to tell me
that that's actually what's going down. About to take the
condemned list down to city Hall? Do we have any
of the names Ted? Wait? Wait, wait, wait before you go,
(41:12):
before you go wow, back up, back up, Okay, back up, Okay,
no one gets that close to my face before you go.
Much better, I'm gonna go talk to a guy. All right,
I'll be right back. Don't send the list until I
go down doing the number on my nuts. Ted's in
the middle of a performance right now. I have to
(41:33):
see Ted, right, No, think you k busy? Ted's killing
it and I gotta go back in ticket? Yeah, I
find I'd like one ticket? Please? How much you got?
Oh my god, are you a scalper? You look? Do
you want to take it to see Ted? And that? Yeah?
I need a ticket to see Ted? How much you go?
About sixteen dollars? I have a couple of quars? Sixteen fifty? Said,
(41:55):
you've got a couple of coins? Yeah? How many coins?
You got to? Two quarters? It's the fifties, all right,
let's do it for justin Coinsifty's bigger than sixteen, ain't it?
You know what? It? Sure is? Fine? I guess I'll
give you these fifty cents instead of these six dollars.
The boy, thank you. Sorry. Nobody gets seated after act
(42:20):
once you get the intermission. Fine, you could go in
for Act five right after intermission. What happens to at two, three,
and four, at one and at five? A good? Alright?
Can I get you a drink while you wait? You
want to eat a fot from concessions? No, I don't
want to eat a fart from concessions? Uh? Yeah, you know,
(42:43):
what about a spicy fot? No? I don't want question. Question. Yeah,
you don't see any dogs in here? Do you know? Dogs? Again?
You know what? That's it. I'm just going in there.
(43:05):
I'm just going in there. Please please help me, Ted,
Please help me this part of the ship. Just here
in the middle of a performance. What exactly are you doing? Look?
Act five they're gonna flood, They're gonna flood this level.
Oh god, you know what. Come with me, Ted, Come
(43:25):
with me. I know you don't want to be outwardly
the voice of dissension in this building. You think he's
a hero. Hero that's just established and that character. I'm
just a t Comes on, Ted, Come with me, We've
got to get downtown to the building. Inspectors making me
do eight shows a week. There's no understudies. Just come
(43:45):
with me, Ted, I'm getting I'm literally telling you how
to get out of this situation right now, Ted is
a love story. I really can't leave in the middle
of a performance. You're gonna flood the place. What a
gladigator leave in the middle of a performance if he could? Yes.
The one part I like is the curtain call. They
really don't do it now. It's versus his love for call.
(44:08):
Now do something that's never been done in theater before.
Take your curtain call right now and get off the
stage before they fled this place. Thank you. That's not
a curtain call. I've got an application another Princeton man. Yeah,
this guy is a performance an't do? Why am I
(44:30):
looking up applicant Lernew You say he's very good. He's
very good. He's been performing eight shows a week down
at the Condemned but not get Condemned Camel Dog man
like Harvard Love Haven? What we kill you? Yes? Oh?
(44:57):
Does you are you? Are you the stocks for guy
from my brother? My brother? What are you from? Trilling me?
Trill at the State School. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
Don't come now, this is I the Camo dogs. Well,
(45:22):
I can't see the best money the Ivy Justice League
ever spent was all those Camo dogs. Say, God damnit, sergeant,
get in here, and then hearing about these things Camo dogs. Yes, yes,
about this, Yes, I wasn't I informed about this. Why
aren't these Camo dogs working for the United States military? Goddamnit?
(45:45):
Well they're still being tested out, sir, still being tested,
field tested, field ted. What kind of idiots would field
test Camo dogs? Did you bring them in with you? Sure?
Did privates line up? A line can be in the shape?
Cann't not? Oh my head, my head. These guys showed up,
(46:09):
so they were drafting, even though we got rid of
that a long time ago. So we just decided they're
privates in the military. People We need bodies. They are
they are? I am being generous and saying disheveled, yes, sir,
but they have a way with camera dogs. There came
dog whispers, sir, Camo dog whispers. Huh, alright, cameo dog whispers.
Are you gonna eat all those pens? No, I'm not
(46:31):
gonna eat any of them. I gonna have them around there. Uh,
nobody eats farts around. Get your hands off the pen
one huh. Yes, I have a ceiling, the better to
keep the rain out. My dear, I'm the big wolf
from red Head. All right, Am I gonna have to sergeant,
(46:54):
Am I gonna have to put up with this kind
of ship to get if you want the camera dogs,
they're part of the package deal, sir. Alright, you know
when the red Head thing, the grandma has been eaten
by the wolf the whole time. Yeah, riding hood. It's
a classic. Hey colonel, yeah over here, Yeah, what who
are you? I'm a whistleblower? What there's a conspiracy, But
(47:16):
there's a conspiracy with Let me shut the door. There's
a conspiracy. I'm sorry, now I'll shut the door. Well,
she's hold on all right, let me all right. You
stay there, you stay here. Let me come around. Now,
both of you stay on this side of the door.
(47:39):
I'm gonna go in here, and I'm gonna talk to this.
Do you want your pens? No, you can eat one
of my pens if you need to. All right, look,
I'm gonna tell you a crazy story. Okay, And did
he go straight to the top. Okay, there's no limits
to who's involved in this. Okay, I'm gonna tell you
(48:00):
a story about eight men in England can decide where
all Ivy League students and public school students go. I
mean this sounds a little far fetched. Do you realize
I'm gonna tell you a story about people shooting on
mini vans, relationships getting solved. Okay, I'm gonna tell you
a story about an octopus who died on a train track,
(48:21):
but maybe he didn't die. Um do you do you
actually have a conspiracy theory that you want to let
me know about, or a real problem that you've seen
that you want to whistle blow, or are you just
gonna ramble about these kind of things? This is? Is
this all connected somehow? I don't understand what you're saying.
It's all in one episode of alchemy? This what got
(48:42):
to be connected? What? It goes straight to the top,
straight to the top of alchemy. This, yes, all the
way up to Kevin. Kevin's never here. I'm sorry to interrupt, buddy,
he can't make it. How did you get here? Oh,
I'm always Oh my god, how did you get in here? Um?
I just have been here. I don't remember a life
before this. Hey everybody, I'm here again. Sorry cool Stratton
(49:09):
disappointed looking all your he's the front. I'm James Heeney
and I'm here too. I'm Joey. Have been even McCom
that's inaccurate. We're spitting inception tops over here. Oh my god.
(49:32):
Oh that's our show for today. Let's go around and
say what we're up to. Mark gig already. You can
catch me at the Beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater on the
last Wednesday Wednesday of the month with Craig Kowski playing
with work us iprov H and also Blood and Treasure
(49:53):
Season one, now available on Amazon Prime. Vanessa Raglan, I'm
usually a Dynasty type right to the aforementioned hanging out
scooping corn. We just ordered a cotton candy machine. I'm
gonna be twist and sugar and no time to get
tambo dogs soon, and we're trying to but you know
there's a lot of red taper on that understood. Craig Atkowski.
(50:15):
If you're in Austin, Texas over Labor Day weekend, I'll
be scooping corn at the Out of Bounds Comedy Festival. Yeah, yeah,
I love it. Joey Greer at Jeffy Grieber on Instagram,
Bear Supply second fourth, Wednesday, nine o'clock West Side Comedy Theater.
I'm pretty pretty pony. First first Thursday up, last time,
(50:35):
so I wanted. Yeah, that's what it is. We always
show up most of the time, right. I'm at Cole
Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on Instagram. Always getting
a fews. I don't know which is which. Um, yeah,
that's about it comes see pretty pretty pony. As he mentioned,
let's thank our sound engineer Doug I Hate Billy, Joel Bay,
(50:58):
our post sound design artist Rough El Brito, our producers
Sophie Lichtman, and lastly I heart Media. Encourage all of
you to write a review, tell everyone you've ever met,
and write to us at your name here at alchemy
(51:19):
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. Until next time. No
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.