The US Military and Education swap budgets

The US Military and Education departments swap budgets

Man who sneezes when he's aroused

Pizza wizards

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Give Me This. I'm
your guest, Pull Stratton in for KP. Let's meet everybody.
The First up, it's Mark Gagliardi. Hey good, What celeb
did you idolize growing up? Who are you like? Super
into as kid? As a kid? I was super into
I know I've mentioned this on the show before Elvis.

(00:23):
I was obsessed with Elvis as a kid. I grew
up in Tennessee. My mom lived had lived down the
street from Elvis and had had knew him and had
met him several times. I owned jumpsuits um as, and
one of my jumpsuits got too small for me, so
my mom cut the satin pants part of the jumpsuit

(00:45):
off and I just had an Elvis jumpsuit from the
waist up that I wore as it. I was like
porky pigging it. I wore it like a jacket with
uh with jeans. Um Yeah, I was. I was very
Elvis obsessed and glad I asked that question. Next up,
it's Jackie gazalas Jackie. There's kind of a theme to

(01:08):
all this. Was there a toy you coveted as a kid.
It's like that that one toy you really wanted, but
either you didn't get or you just finally got after
a lot of lobbying. I really wanted a doodle bear.
And do you guys remember doodle bears. It was a
teddy bear and it came in either like pink or
purple or blue, and it almost looked like it was

(01:30):
made out of denim, and it came with a pen
and you could doodle on this bear and like design
it and drawn it. And I was I really liked
drawing as a kid, and I really wanted a doodle bear.
And I asked Santa for a few years and I
finally got it. But I didn't like petition my parents.

(01:55):
You mean, it's like I asked Santa and he didn't
bring it, so okay, Like I didn't petitioned my parents.
I felt very and I don't know why no one
made me feel this way, but I felt very guilty
having my parents spend money on me, and so I
didn't like. We'd go to the toy store and like

(02:16):
my rich stepfather would be like, you can pick any
toy you want, and I'd be like, no, no, I'm okay,
and he's like, Jackie, go pick a toy, and I'm like, no, no, really,
I'm fine, Like Jackie, just go pick a Barbie, Okay,
you know you want one, and I have to like
be coaxed, you know. It's like, you're right, I do
want I do want one. But I felt bad. You

(02:36):
should mention this to your therapist. You're worth it. I'm
worth the doodle bear. So I petitioned Santa because I
was like, I don't you know, he doesn't pay for it,
he makes it. Well, maybe we get listeners to send
you a bunch of doodle bears. See how many of
you can get. I got one, though eventually more bears

(02:59):
were twenty funny two. Next up, it's a tool saying
that's all. What was like the first concert you went to?
Remember this very clearly. It was Bush, you know, uh,
Kevin Kevin Newsom, but it was that's the character Kevin um. Yeah.

(03:25):
It was standing room only, like a three room, a
lot of mosh pit activity. It's all very I remember
taking my shirt off. I was like, what am I doing? Uh?
But that burdens and I and I served for the
first time. Uh. So it did it all in the

(03:46):
first first trip. Whoa, I'm not a concert guy though,
So I never felt like I deserved concerts. You should
talk about that with your well, I mean, no one
deserves Bush so actually still love them. So there you go. Uh, last,

(04:06):
but not least, Craig Kaikowski, Craig A fire trucks come
to get you. Did you have movie posters on your
wall as a kid and what were they? Hell? Yes,
I did, uh And they were Star Wars and the
Muppet Movie and I'm trying to repeace together my my

(04:31):
room and I had kind of a jungle theme going on,
so there was more like, uh like Elvis, like Elvis exactly,
so that those are the big ones that I remember.
So it's the the original Star Wars with like all
nine main characters like Luke with a lightsaber drawn and uh,

(04:55):
and then the Muppet Movie with the nine main characters
all right of it. Yeah, Like the room that I
was in had like strawberry wallpaper or something like we
moved in there, so it's like I gotta cover this
ship up. So like I used to go to the
local video store, which is Blue Hair and Video and Davis,
and they would just like giveaway posters and I would
just take them on just plaster everything over. So I
had some weird ones just because they were covering up

(05:17):
the things like Nadine with Jeff Bridges and Kimbition that
was on my wall as a kid, you had Nadine
on your wall. I did, amongst other every kid love
that movie. Get Shorty, very informative question. Yeah, give you
a credit. I learned so much about everybody. I have
three of those giant cardboard stands that they give out

(05:37):
like to promote stuff at the video stores. I had
as a kid. Of course, I had broadcast News, Uh,
Willow and Dirty Dancing. Those are the three that I had.
We had one of those in my basement and it
was the Ellen Degenerous movie Mr Wrong. Oh. We had
a giant cardboard Ellen Degenerous and Bill Pullman on their
wedding day. That the movie. Yeah, the cardboard stand. Yeah,

(06:03):
our our video store to the same thing. You think,
I don't love you enough to break my own finger?
That's yeah? What a film? What a film? Let's do
a damn show I did. I quoted the trailer from
The Strong. You don't have to quote the movie. That's
the trailer. As a lot of the trailers, all you
need to know. Let's do a damn show, shall we.

(06:24):
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon va p s. To become a
Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and
other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a scene
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at alchemy
this email at gmail dot com. That's com a lot

(06:48):
of anger and Greg's your just precise diction. Scene one
is from Alchemy v I P. Thomas Lawson, who wrote, Hello,
League of Extraordinary Alchemists. I just have a suggestion the U. S.
Military and the Department of Education swap budgets. M hmm,

(07:10):
all right, you you get a maclaptop, and you get
a maclaptop, and you get a Mac. Everyone in this room,
well thanks Mr Henderson. Yeah, thanks Charlie. We're gonna be
doing some fun stuff in this class from now on,
all right, no more or should we say tanks? Mr Henderson, No,

(07:32):
there's tanks outside the wind getting that film. WHOA cool?
We're gonna be painted in our school colors. We're gonna
be teaching how to drive in tanks. Uh, so you'll
be getting your permit via tanks and you're also going
to be learning how to fly a jet plane. UM,

(07:52):
all right that Stacy, Do you have a question. I
just can't believe I'm allowed to fly a jet plane because,
let me tell you, that's been my reap. I said,
the big planes in the air, and I say, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get me in one of those and put me in charge. Yeah, Stacy,
I love that to to do. Uh and and go

(08:13):
to spirit. I can do it. I bet you put
me in there right now, and I'll think it to
the moon. Baby. Well we're gonna learn. We're gonna learn first,
all right, all right, but I bet you I can
do it. I mean just saying to believe in yourself
and you can do anything. Super stars. Mr Henderson, Mr Henderson,
Does this mean now that we have all this money?
Does this mean that when you aren't able to be here,

(08:33):
our substitute teacher will show us movies in that giant
screening room with DTS Delby surrounds sound at the five
point do'llby surrounds sound. That's absolutely right. Somebody saw the
theater already. UM I heard that. We get releases beforehand,
we get um like pre screens for upcoming movies. That's

(08:54):
what's just what I heard. These rumors are all true.
There's really no limit to what we are going to
be privy to. Alright, Hey, Mr Henderson, I walked, I
walked past a door that said cadaver lab. What's that? Okay,
your your bo your bio class is going to be changed,
all right, and now instead of dissecting frogs, instead of

(09:14):
dissecting any other kind of small pig or something, Um,
you're gonna get human cadavers. Uh WHOA cool? Yeah, so
we're gonna be learning anatomy of the body and uh
I things for changing. You're gonna be the smartest generation
we've ever had because you're gonna have access to everything. Alright,

(09:35):
soldiers falling, We've got a gun. We're gonna have to
take turns with the gun. But sir, we're taking fire
right now. I know. But we've got just the one. Uh,
you know, you've got to make the best dude. Alright, Well,
he called dips. He's got it. Can we bring some

(09:57):
from home? Can we bring our own ammunition and whatnot? Yeah,
I've heard people have put out go fund me. Maybe
you can put a go fund me up to get
more supplies. Good idea, it's a good idea. Hey, Serge,
I got two of them. But here's the gunback. It's
all out of bullets. All right. Well, we're just gonna

(10:19):
have to wait this out. We're not getting any until
the next fiscal quarter. So uh, this is quarter of
Q one, so in Q two we should be able
to get some more ammunition. M So we just we
just sit sit here in in this in this warehouse,
just just wait. Yep. As you know, soldiers are the

(10:41):
real heroes. So we're just gonna wait here until we
get those things. I like that go fund me idea.
All right, well we can try that. Does anybody know
how to do that or have a computer to do
it on? No? Might might know that My friends in
the private Army, and he says, they have all kinds

(11:03):
of what and I'd love to be in the private
Who's doing that? What's happening there? Mr Musk is private army.
Mr Musks is private army. Oh no, it's hard to say.
Mr Musk is Mr Musk's private Armies, private Army. I

(11:27):
didn't realize I thought that. I thought that, you know,
there's the one. You know, most people can't afford to
join the private army. Okay, so we're just gonna have
to do our best to get you soldiers across the
line and be efficient, you know, yeah for sure. Well
I've got other skills. I can do a triple back

(11:47):
handspring and a full talk. Okay, good, you know, write
that down. That's the last piece of paper we have,
so real small What did what did everyone ring for lunch? Okay,
I guess I'm the only with skills. Uh, I've got

(12:07):
I've got a go gurt. I have a go gurt
and I have a tapioga. Interesting, I brought a lunchable.
I forgot to bring my lunch Do you want some
of them? Do you want some of the bologny from
my lunchable? Um? Yeah, yea lonely lunchable. Yeah. Look what
the private army can afford? The Turkey lunchables. Yeah, we

(12:30):
get the bologny ones. They even had those pizza lunchables.
Serge heard about those? Yes, sir, are we gonna lose
this war? Well, listen, we defunded the army because all
they did was sit around and talk about snacks. Um. Yes,
Senator I just have a question for you for defend

(12:53):
defunding the army. How do you expect us to do
our job? Well, you, as a reporter, I expect to
still do your job. You can investigate things, you can
ask questions and whatnot. Yes, I am expecting you to
still be do your job. Yes, that's absolutely correct, and

(13:13):
we will do our job. But could you help us
do our job by explaining why exactly you you know
where the money went where it went? Yeah, absolutely, so
we redirected the funds into the public schooling of the
United States. Question Senator, senator, question question Senator Senator Yes,

(13:38):
um uh Mike Mike Uh, Mike shot a shot face
from the Financial Times. We're just we're just curious over here.
Why did you require that? I understand that you traded
the budgets, but why is it that you required the
schools to still purchase military equipment. Well, it's not so
much that we've required them to purchase new ones, so
much as we had military equipment hanging around, uh, that

(14:02):
the Army could no longer afford to upkeep, and so
it was kind of just grandfathered in with so the budgets.
The budgets were traded, but then they were also given
additional Grandfather military equipment. Is that what's happening right because
of the additional money that it could for upkeep which
can no longer be serviced by the army. Now at

(14:23):
the public schools, Yeah, there's a bunch of blackhawks landing
on the Capitol lawn right now. I think it's two
kids on a field trip. Okay, Yeah, and the kids
are learning fast, and uh, it's kind of interesting. We
didn't expect this, but now it looks like the trajectory
of this swapping program will be almost a melding of swords,

(14:46):
almost like we're militarizing the children, which was not the intention,
though I do see that as the shot face. I
want to hear from shot face when you said, Mike,
shot face from Financial Times Win. We know, Mike, when
you get all the questions when you said, hey, hey,

(15:07):
shot face, shot face shoots shot face scores Okay, when
you said when you said that this was not that,
this was not the intention to militarize elementary schools, why
did you wink so vehemently? Exactly were you winking at? Uh?
You know, sometimes when you're a woman, you wear mascara,

(15:28):
and sometimes that mascaro falls into your eyes and then
you have to blink, and it looks like a wink,
and it certainly is not. See that looked like a wing.
I'm gonna take this guy's question. Yes, yes, Senator, Hi,
Tim skull punch punch. Uh Is it true that the

(15:49):
first things that you cut or artillery and uh marksman
lessons and you just added tons and tons of arts programs?
Um are you saying for the army? Well, you cut
that from the army and then you then you added
arts programs for both the kids and the army, which

(16:09):
I thought was interesting. Uh. And the cat fancy readers
want to know more about this. Also, how many litter
boxes do you have per cat? Unfortunately all my cats
have passed. Uh. There was a very unfortunate accident having
to do with turned on car in my garage. You're
winking again? Why are you winking again? Senator? Hey Kwaski.

(16:34):
Are are you getting to deployed to the Middle East tomorrow? Yeah? Yeah?
Can I get it? Can I get a ride to
the Middle East? Yeah? How are you getting there? My
Mom's gonna take me. Can I get a ride? Yeah?
Of course, of course, did you finish your our project? Yeah,

(16:57):
it's stupid. No, I want to see it. We're supposed
to turn them in when we get there. I want
to see it. Okay, well that's me. That's really good. Yeah,
it's started yelling at me. Yeah, they're and you know
because I I'm not in uniform, because uh, because I
can't afford it. No, I get it, I get it.

(17:20):
It's really good art. Though, it's really good art. Would
you do? I did a clay sculpture, but I didn't
have much clay, so it's it's just a sculpture of
a bullet. Oh yeah, man, I hope we can use
it like real bullets, right and get to the Middle East.
I'm worried, man. Alright, fellas were pinned in. All we

(17:41):
have are these six dioramas, fifteen pipe cleaners and four
Google eyes. We gotta bike two three Google eyes, search
three Google down to three Google eyes. Oh no, we're doomed.
Such what are we gonna do? When we kick to
hold of the Private Army they can help us. They're

(18:02):
off doing some space thing with Mr Musk. I got
an idea. How about how about you puppet a puppet show.
We'll do a puppet show. You're going to say, called
the kids. I like your idea. Better call the kids,
call the kids, call the kids. But I like your idea.

(18:24):
I like call the kids. They have to I like
puppet show. Let's do the puppet show. Let's let's combine them.
The puppet show will be the diversion to kill the
time until the kids can get here. We're gonna have
to pull them out of the screening room where they're
being shown the birds and their anatomy class. But if
we get them here in time, I think we can
win this. Well, I got I got a couple of socks,

(18:45):
and we have three googly eyes. So I'll be I'll
be Mr Jones. All right here, I'll tear my shirt
and I'll make a curtain for the puppet show. Now
we're thinking, now we're cooking, all right? What else? Oh,
I'll take out my hair. We can't do that. Don't
do that. We can fashion a marrying it evening. The

(19:10):
picture you out about to see is a presentation of
nature's fear. All right, kids, alright, kids, I'm sorry to
interrupt the movie, but uh, coming in on the feed.
We've just gotten your orders. Pepperonia. No, sorry, kid, not

(19:35):
your pizza orders for lunch today. I know that you
all get your own individual pizza Hut pizza every day now,
but you're kind of get white truffles on mine. Well,
your country needs you today. You're gonna have to put
that white truffle pizza down because you kids are going
on a field trip to the Middle East. Everybody, grab
your backpack. Everybody, grab your mac book. Everybody, but hey,

(19:57):
grab your M sixteen and hop into was huies that
are waiting outside for you. Do they need their MacBooks? Look,
I'm just the messenger here. Okay, how do I turn
this screen up? Right? He's kids, You've heard him. I
need all of you to be the best kid you

(20:18):
are today and do your service for education. All right,
get your M sixteens. Everybody there. Hey, who's who's leaving
the magazine? Who's leaving a magazine? Sorry, that's my copy
of Cat Fancy. Yeah. Oh does that have that article

(20:39):
on the Senate hearings? Yeah? And the one about the
litter boxes. I mean you're flying with me, I'll take
you on my plane. Yeah. Hell yeah, all right, we
can read the magazine on the way. Buddy System everybody, buddy,
system to perplane, to perplane. I can't believe we're gonna
win this gang. We're gonna do it. Oh no, Mrs Henderson,

(21:08):
who knows? Oh, go ahead and say your last wishes?
How does the birds? And we only got the Hitchcock prologue.
I don't even know what happens the entire film. Let's
see it. You're gonna see its son, you're not going anywhere.
Who remembers their anatomy class? Who remembers how to take

(21:30):
out a bullet? Sir? I was pretty good. And cadaver
lab get in here. He's gonna say, alright, have a
have a sip of this high sea juice. Thank you, No,
not you, the patient. The patient, don't take some too.
If you're giving it out. There's plenty of high see

(21:50):
the cooler this is. This is for for a little
victim here. You're gonna be just fine. Keep talking, all right?
That was fast, You're all up. You patch it up
with a Google eye, so we add here in the field.
Good to go, kids. Thanks, and that's our first scene.

(22:21):
Scene too is from listener Caitlyn Knight, who wrote, Hey, alchemists.
This scene suggestion is inspired by my partner's real life
fliction man who sneezes when he becomes aroused. You guys
are the best, love Kate. You wanna you want to
go into You're gonna get out of the living room,

(22:44):
go into the bedroom. We can do it in the
living room, but we just have to get Yeah, let's
go to the Let's go to the bedroom. I mean,
do you want to do it? Looks honey, Honey, stop talking.
I just want to Let's just listen to music. You
can just grab me by the hand. You can just

(23:06):
grab me by the hand and I'll like the comer.
I won't um. You want you put on some music?
What would you like to hear? Yeah? But not's amusing. Yeah,
we just go to mind everything then everything. Then this
is a song by Bush. Every I love Bush? Speaking

(23:31):
of Bush? Should we take this to the bed? Honey?
You are you were such a sweet talker. Yeah, you
know what, Let's just let's just go to the bed.
All we can do it here. I don't, honey, at
this point. Honestly, it's it's the temperatures going down. No, no, no,
just cooling off, temperatures cooling off. Follow me, follow me,

(23:53):
follow me, close your eyes, follow me, follow me, close
my eyes. That temperatures going back? All right, this sorry,
can turn off? Do you have anything? No? No, off,
not up? Sorry sorry, sorry, my hand slipped on my

(24:14):
my phone. Alright. Oh here we are in the bedroom. Yeah,
I know where we are. I'm taking off. Oh no, honey,
are you still are you still having that problem? It's
not a problem. Let's look at as a as an opportunity.
It is a problem, honey. It's a problem when it's

(24:36):
temperature is going down. No, no, no, no, Look my
temperature is going Uh no, I can tell your temperature
is going up. But my when your temperature goes up,
your nose goes off and my temp goes down. But
you're so beautiful. Oh that one got all over me.
Oh God, Susan, it sounds like he's allergic to sex.
I think that might be what it is, because I've

(24:58):
had a mid a mid snee ease myself and I've
had somebody sneeze at the very end, uh neither which
one was particularly fun. But for it to be consistent,
just and it's like every two seconds. That's not on you.
I don't want you to start thinking it is on
me though. Oh god, I know, but you're right, it's not.

(25:20):
But I was worried about that, was like, is he
allergic to me? Is he allergic to sex? Or is
he allergic to me? And is with your mental I
guess I just have to find out by I don't know,
tricking him into sleeping with someone else. Hey, good game
of golf, guys. Hey, can I ask you fellows a question? Sure,

(25:42):
A good game of golf. Great game of golf. Great.
I mean you're putting. You're putting? Was I mean, how
many puts did you have? Parts? That's amazing? Most most um,
we really we really gulfed it up today as were
really golfed. I mean, like Charles, you're a driver, I
mean so straight and sometimes took out the three wood.

(26:04):
I was consistently straight. Fairways and greens, fairways and greens.
And you're chipping, yeah, chipping chicken tippings were at it's at,
you know, chippings. People forget to practice chipping it, but
I don't. I don't what kind of wedge you using?
I'm using a gap wig? Thank you, thank you, thank
you for asking. Yeah, the green you found the fairway

(26:27):
in the green, you weren't in the rough very no, no, no,
and hey, hey you were in the you were in
the trap a few times. I was like, hey, get
your flip flops. But you got out. Sure we head
to the nineteen Yeah. Actually I wanted to touch you, guys,
because I had a yeah, yeah, a great, great game
of go up by the way god game. I felt
like we were really striking the ball well, you know,

(26:48):
and we had some skins out there too, so that's good.
No one took a mulligan today. Now mulligans and I
don't remember mulligan. I think a couple of bogies, a
couple of there's an eagle in albatross. I just hope
that he's talking about it with someone, you know, with
his friends like we do. I feel like, what a
what a release that we get to really get into

(27:11):
it with each other. Well, it's nice to just, you know,
to just have someone in my life that I can
talk to about the important things. And and you've always
been that for me, and I really appreciate that. And
you're always that for me. Did I tell you I
found a concerning mole? No, Well, you mean like a

(27:31):
government spy or like a good game of tennis. Guys,
good game of tennis. That was good canaan, but you
know that's served deadvod Yeah. Yeah, I try to come
in as soon as I hit the serve that's on
first serves only, you know, but that you you know
you'd in football once today, which I feel like you've
been working on. No, I've been trying to concentrate in

(27:55):
my back one handed backhand. When did you change that?
Who was I asleep for six on the fact that
you had so many aces today? That was great, Thank you.
I've been working, working, working, Hey, don't your top spin
kick serve? Oh my god, I was hitting the ball
around my shoulder. That was ridiculous. Remember when it was

(28:16):
and then it was it that? Yeah, I mean we
never got back to love. But can I can I
bring up something serious? Sorry guys, if this is this
is not the time of the No. No, we just
finished a great game of tennis where you fucking rocked
it with your back hand. And I've been using a

(28:39):
slaves and juror, but I was thinking about switching to
a Wilson. Oh can I just say something? And I'm
sorry for being crashed. The drop point was only known
by the director and the only person who gets to
go into his office and it is his secretary. And
I was just over on that slow you know, violent

(29:01):
in my papers. Gosh, and I caught her sneaking in
a pen. Now we can only use pens that are
in the building. It's of course, of course you can't
bring a pen and it could have a camera in
it in an outside pen. And I discovered the mall. Oh,
I'm so proud of you. You were so good at work. See,

(29:22):
you were so good at it. I just, I just
I'm so envious of you. I mean, all that time
you've spent working in the govern It's just it's neat.
It's a neat job. You have so much value. I
wish so much value. Great game of highli guys who
really couldn't be any better that Hey, I was thinking, um,

(29:53):
since you are so good with spy stuff, and since
you work in that sector where you deal in that,
could you find someone to sleep with my husband so
that I find out whether his sneeze is based on
him being allergic to me or being allergic to sex.
Thank you in advance. I'm so sorry to ask you
to do this. I know, Anna, I know for anyone else,

(30:16):
but you're just such a dear friend, and you listen
with your heart thank you, and you look at me
when I talk, and I feel so seen. Amen. Not
to mention that karat cake you made for my birthday.
My god, I'm still dreaming about it three months. I
so find me. It's so hard to meet single men

(30:37):
at this highlight club. Yes, isn't it hard? It is?
It is. I didn't know because I don't usually come
here and play high lie Um, but all all the
men here are married or in committed relationships. Have you
ever tried that it could be fun? Tried? I'm sorry? Um,

(31:04):
sex are relations with a married or taken man? Have
you ever tried that? It's no strings attached, it's loose,
it's goose? Are you pimping me? Um? Listen, I'm going
to be honest with you. I did want to come
and bond with you because I did feel like we

(31:26):
had a moment in the break room where I felt
this is a woman that I could really get, you know,
get deep with. I felt that from you. I felt
a connection and I want and I'm always wanting to
make new friends, even at my age, I want to
make new friends always. Now if I'm if you wanted
to sleep with a particular person of my choosing and

(31:49):
then report back. Okay, what what is happening? What is happening?
Does he does he play highlight? He plays high does
I hear? I mean he plays a lot of He's
very barty, he plays a lot of things. How fast
can make with the sesta? Well, I'm not sure you know.
I've actually never played I I kind of. I told

(32:10):
you that I did, just so that we could get here.
It's the fastest traveling ball in all of sports. Hey, guys,
before we leave the Highlight Club, I just I had
a question about my sess stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think I do. I think I do? Yes? Not

(32:31):
high wink? Oh do you see any wink? No? I
did see a wink. I guess. I don't know. I
don't know what you're talking about. Okay, let me just
how do I put this too? We're going to keep
this between us, right? Oh? Yeah, of course members over there.
I haven't seen them before. Um, but I sometimes when

(32:57):
I am let's say, near ring the service line, if
you know what I mean. I don't know if this
happens to you guys. But I I sneeze before I
make impact. Does that make sense? And that's this is
still an analogy. Yeah yeah, I've come buying a few
different sports here, so it might be a little bit confusing. So,

(33:19):
uh like, I'm not sure what you're getting at. But
that girl over there has been making eyes at you
and waving this whole time. Um, well, maybe I know her.
Maybe just go check if I know where it seems
like definitely No, Hi, I I couldn't help, but notice
you over in the highlight court. Thanks. So yeah, what

(33:39):
a game. I've really moved that point. Yeah what was
the highlight? Oh? You must get that all the time.
Such a nice sense of humor. It's refreshing. I don't know.
Do you mind if I touch your sesta? Um? No,
I don't mind it at all. Here you go, and uh,

(34:01):
your nose is running. That's just it's warm humidity. It's
it's you. It is warm. Um. Do you want to
see the highlight court that's in the back of the club. Yes,
I do, fellows. I'll talk to you later, fellows. Yeah, yeah, ye.

(34:28):
Just come this way, this way, turn left here this hallway.
There's the club manager. Hey, Carl, h all right, I'll
go this way and then we're gonna turn right here. Ah,
there's the greenskeeper. Hey, hey, Stephen, Susan, here's the messed
up thing. Okay, what what did you find out from her?

(34:51):
What's the story? Well, she didn't even report back to me.
She took a public place and I was there. I
is hiding in the bleachers, and I actually watched their
working leachers. Yes, it was very public, and that that
wasn't my intention. But I can attest um that it's

(35:13):
it's everything. It's your body. He's getting sneezed, he's getting
sneezed up when he gets a house, and it's not you.
And I also can attest um they did not have
full coitus, So you can fige good about that. I mean, yeah,
I guess that makes me feel a little better. Honey. Hey,

(35:36):
A long day, played eighteen round, then I'm played the
best out of three sets of tennis. Then I went
to the Highlight Club. Yeah, let's just say that I
scored big time. Let what does that mean? Let's just
say I scored big time. I played with what is
I played with? Stephen? Charlie? Oh did you did you

(35:58):
play with anyone else? What does that means? Meaning? Did
you play with anyone else? Did you happen to be
in the high Allie locker room after and and see
some new people and wander through the back, make a left,
make a right, Say hi hi to carl keep going past,
say hi to the groundskeeper, keep going past. Then wind

(36:20):
up where there were bleachers, and perhaps my dear friend
Anna could have been there to see you with another woman.
Is that what it is? Do you have a mole? Yes? Me,
I have a mole. Oh my god. If we don't
have trust in this relationship, what do we have? You

(36:41):
know what we have? We have each other? Because now
I know that you're not allergic to me, You're allergic
to sex itself. That's true. I was so embarrassed. I
was going to talk to the fellas about it, but
you just kind of never got around to it. Boys
never talk about anything important. Oh you should see you

(37:03):
should You should see Charlie's new backhand. It's one handed
and it is Hey. Good concert of Bush guys, great
great Bush concert. We really watched it. Oh, everyone has
their shirts off, except what what what happened? I love it?
When they did come down that's our secondization. C three

(37:30):
is from listener. Is he Terry and who wrote, Hey,
pizza wizards love you all? Is he Lion? He's an
absolute wizard at pizza. You're never gonna try anything like it.
It's Sicilian, so it's extra buffy. It's filled with um
meats on top, sauce on top, cheese on top. And

(37:54):
you're like, that's just a pizza. But trust me, this
guy is a fucking wizard. Oh Domino, So like, is
this going to be better than Domino's? Yeah, it's gonna
be better than Domino's. Greetings and salutations to you here
in my finest of dining dungeons, I a'm Gimmeldorff and

(38:21):
I today shall stand before you and craft the greatest
pizza you've had in your lives. Just tell me what
you would like on it, and it shall be. Is
this I'm testing? Yes, Charlene, please, I already had this
pizza once before, and I want you to have the

(38:43):
full experience because you're my best friend and it is
your day. I'm still wearing my necklace. I'm sorry that
I took mine off. Just be home. Diet Dr Pepper
as previously requested I'll leave you in the capable off.
Thank you, munchens, And now what kind of pizza would

(39:08):
you like? I'll watch you justine, and then I'll order Charlene.
Oh you want me to go first? I mean it's one.
We're gonna share the pizza. So it's are they don't
do personal pans? They don't do you guys do? We
will do whatever you desire us to do. Are you

(39:30):
leaving this one up to the chef? Are you leaving
this up to the chef, Wizard? Is that what's happening? No?
I mean I normally like like, uh, pepperoni and like mushrooms.
I'm so sorry, Wizard. I feel like she's not down
to share a pie with me because she's wearing her
friendship necklace. And I took mine off because it turns
out I am allergic to nicol and it did give

(39:51):
me a heinous rash. So that's my bad. I'm sorry
to you. It's no disrespect to you and your establishment.
I'm in love. No, no, I take no. I was
wondering why only one of you was wearing a half
of a heart necklace. I didn't know what be Fry meant,
but now I know it's the beginning of best friends,
which apparently you don't seem to be any longer. No, no, no,

(40:14):
we are. We're told her she's just allergic to nickel
and that makes her break out and it could affect her. Well,
say no more bocotium nicolas katatas solid gold. No nickel
in that one. Look down at your neck now, Pepperoni,

(40:34):
you said, well, like Shamando, gather around pise. Unfortunately, which
is pie is going under what the wizards have taken
our customer base and we can't compete. Are you saying

(40:55):
that people don't like I have newt on their pizza.
I'm not saying it, but the customers have spoken. Well,
what will we do? This is the only thing me
and my generations back have ever done well that we
must visit. We must visit HIVT to what. I don't know.

(41:20):
That's the employee meeting. Maybe a two for one double
double toil and trouble. I like that, sort of a
little Caesar's thing. Yes, yes, double double I like it.
Excuse me, excuse me? Which is Jason Ramirez from p

(41:45):
w C Consulting. I think I have the solution to
your issues. What are you good at making step. Well,
you've been observing us for two weeks, Jason Ramirez, you
tell us good at st alright, pizza is not your thing,
all right, but you need to be focusing on is soups?
All right? You're saying our cauldron is not producing top

(42:08):
notch pizza. Yes, exactly, We're just not on the same page. Now,
the p WC can help you pivot, like I said earlier,
into this market. The competition is yes, question, are you
sure soups the thing? We are in Phoenix, Arizona, and
it's awfully hot year round. It's hot. It's hot, It

(42:29):
definitely is warm, but it helps people acclimate their body
temperature to the heat outside, so soups will work. And uh,
there's no we can keep the rice out of it,
keep the bread out of it unless they want a
bread bowl. But these are all things possible, right, And
no one has to know what goes in your soup,
so that part of it is still your business. Jason Ramirez,

(42:51):
do you notice the plethora of ravens in this basement.
Of the first things I noticed when I came into
to watch those are events were all previously consultants. Oh
wait what and there is your pizza, pepperoni, mushrooms, spinach,

(43:22):
all floating three inches off of this table, so the
cheese doesn't get everywhere? Is there anything else I can
get for you too? Best friends? So, yeah, you made
her a golden necklace, and I was wondering if you
could conjure me up one since I'm the one with theology.

(43:43):
Oh oh my my mistake. Like you made her necklace golden,
and that's really great for her, but I want to
be matching like her best friends, So if you could
conjure me, I don't have my half with me? Is
not a problem, h it is. It's not a huge problem.
But I will need you to step through that door
over there, prove yourself worthy, and then return with the

(44:05):
item and I will be able to make you a
necklace and also your own personal pizza. Just t Can
you go prove yourself and then can I start eating too? Charlene?
For you? I will for you. This doesn't prove to
you that you're my best year, I don't know what does. Well.

(44:25):
Pouring the necklace? Yeah, um? But can I start eating? Um? Yeah,
I'm going to be wearing the necklace. Just start eating? Okay?
Through this doorway here. God speed on your journey. Oh
you're not coming with me? Ships. The purity is to

(44:47):
answer this riddle. Answer the riddle, what may I be
if I am not the but I am one with
the bees? Uh bitch? Oh you move on to the
second level, all right? Test number two, taste blind? Is

(45:16):
this Dr Pepper or diet? Dr Pepper? Okay, a little?
Does he know? I know Dr Pepper real well, my
favorite sodas. That's diet. That's diet for sure. M hmm.
Are you sure? Taste again? It could be a trick question,

(45:42):
It could be Mr Pitt, but I'm going to you
have passed the test. There's seven more. This one is
a math test. Yeah, I she has been in there
a while. Yes, how long have you been making pizzas? Ah?

(46:07):
So many questions. I've hundreds of years, hundreds since Queen
Margharita first arrived in Naples and and I whispered in
the ear of a pizzaiolo there, and it's been ever
since I've been But she's got to be coming out.
Did you go to high school? Oh boy, did you

(46:28):
have a best friend in high school? I did have
a best friend in high schools your best friend. It's
was actually Moon Cheenes and who you met earlier. He
he came dr peppers that works with me with me,
it was a little awkward in school when he didn't
quite reach you. You know any witches, Yeah, well, I

(46:49):
mean I know the three witches down the street that
that have are competing pizza place, But pizza sucks. Good
game of pickup basketball, Wizards, Yes, very good pickup basketball.
You were dunking like I've never seen. Yeah. Well, the

(47:11):
wind was under his feet. Did you see that? He
called the wind and it led him to dunk. I
was impressed with his three throws free throws, hi, and
the fact that we all took zone defense instead of
man impressive, quite impressive. Do you think do you think

(47:32):
us the Wizards will make the playoffs this year? We
never make the playoffs. The Wizard suck. Mom. I swear
I was just getting pizza with Charlene. I know it's late,
but we weren't. We were just getting pizza. Where did
you get the necklace? Where did you get the necklace?

(47:52):
Charlene and I have buff bus front necklace. Don't you
don't you come at me with that? I know that
you have an allergy a nickel and I know you
had to get rid of your half of the necklace
with Charlene. I want to know where you've got another
necklace with that I don't know about. And this one
looks to be what is that platinum? Is that a
platinum necklace? It's nothing you are stealing. It's my daughter stealing. Mom.

(48:20):
Why don't you know you should know me better than that?
I thought I did. I thought I knew you. You
know what, you know what? You have shown nothing but irresponsibility.
I want you to talk. I want you, young lady,
to get a job. That's it. I'm not giving you
any more money. You go. You like going to your

(48:40):
pizza places so much? Here to work for us? How
I saw the hiring uh sign out from stir the
pizza cauldron there. So what's the hourly? Ah, it's six fifty,

(49:01):
which is low, but chiers possibility of tiers. Yeah, I
have a couple more interviews. Uh so I'll come back
all right, six that's fifteen cents. Maybe we don't want

(49:26):
you to work here. Welcome to the Warlocks of Bagels.
We make bagels here. I saw the hiring sign and yes,
I can pretty much do anything but math? So can
you do potions? Ah? I was pretty good at chemistry,

(49:47):
and I can know. I know how to work a
Bunsen burner more Bunsen. We all know him. Now tell me,
will you take the test of bagely? Yeah, I'll take
the test. What's the hourly here? Seven dollars plus parking? Oh?

(50:08):
No tips? Ogre roll, you want work here? Say it again,
oger roll. We make rolls any kind sushi side, it
doesn't matter. Make role. Um. You know I saw the
I saw the help wanted, and uh, I'd like to help. Ah,

(50:35):
so we paid twelve dollar what? No, Greg, welcome to
Grandmolin Google coming in for the job? Ah? I saw
the Yeah, I saw your post on Cruigslist and you're
looking for its working the craig Wig post working. We're

(51:00):
looking for someone. I've actually offered a twelve dollars an
hour over at roll. You should take that job. You
cannot compete. I hang on a second. Ogre Roll offered
you twelve dollars an hour. Twelve dollars an hour and
plus plus tips. They don't have parking, but it's ample

(51:20):
a street parking, no street cleaning. So and look, look,
I know that you're coming in here to make money.
But look where the U. S. Military. We can't afford
something like twelve dollars an hour. What do you mean
where where'd all your money go? It went to the
Department of Education. You want to be a teacher starting
salary one point two million a year, all right? Yeah,

(51:43):
of course I want to be a teacher. Three months off? Alright?
We get every once in a while, we get an
in service day. It's just another day off, right now.
Do I need normal math skills or Warlock math skills?
Because I actually did really well with the Warlock math,
but human math not. So we got these super computers, right,
they do the math for us. All right, you just

(52:04):
tell and if you want to take a day off,
we get your stub right like that? Yeah, yeah, oh, no, misunderstanding.
We paid twelve That is just twelve dollars. That is
all per day or forever. That's cool. For whatever reason,
the freaking uh you know, school Board of Education is

(52:26):
really dying for more teachers, even though it's like super
you know, it's a great gig right now, so I'm
gonna go take that starting the selling. Why do you
come back to just turn us down? I want to
let you know. I want to. I don't want to, don't.

(52:47):
I just want to let you know. I don't want
to keep you hanging. I'm I'm a woman of integrity.
There's mad Ogre's crushed, when mad crush when and Ogre
sneeze win horny? Which is how you doing? Uh? Jason Johnson,
I'm with awesome consulting group, and uh, I just wanted

(53:10):
to possibly come out here and get your business hurt.
You're trying to pivot and there is a lot of
birds in this room. Um, lots of birds and one
melted puddle. All right, yeah that's a safety hazard, but
we won't get into that stuff right now. If you
count them, you'll see we have exactly four and nineteen
blackbirds in this room. I've never really been good at math. Uh,

(53:35):
just too quick scan. Okay, that sounds good to me.
I know we're rebranding into a pie place pizza. You're
already a pizza place, Pizza, pie Pizza. Okay, Well I
can help you get there. Our company b C D.
We came up with the Matrix. Uh so we can

(53:58):
use the movie. No, you wrote the mo the Matrix. No, No,
I'm sorry. The matrix, which is a it's a consulting
format to help we put it in your data and
tells us kind of how the metrix. I was gonna
ask you to explain the sequels to be well, I
never got them. It's it's more about leaving the circle
of constant normalcy and humanism to get I grow tired

(54:22):
of this transformation. Charlene, listen. I know that we made
a pact. We were going to go to prompt together.
We were going to lose the virginity at the same time.
We were going to graduate together. But I got offered
a job at high school. High school wait, our high school?

(54:48):
We go there, Yeah, I got offered to teach. I'm
going to be teaching the cadaver class. I'm in the
cadaver class. You're in the cadaver start next week, And
I just want to let you know, like, all right,
when i'm your teacher, like I'm not your friend, I

(55:08):
can't be right, this is harsh, but when I'm not
your teacher, that I am your best friends. I'm your
and you've been gone for a while, just team, Like
I haven't seen you for like a week. I don't
know where you've been I've been hustling, man, I've been
hustling so hard. My mom said that I couldn't have

(55:30):
any of her money anymore. And you know I need
that pizza. Well, and it's expensive, man, really expensive. I've
been hanging out with this witch one. Yeah, it's a
real chill. That's going to the movies the other stuff.
She has a broom, dude, we can go over if
we want. I can't go with you to kidd have

(55:53):
have a class. I'm afraid I'll sneeze. No, No, it's
totally cool. I just got like my old us friend
is like like the teacher now and I just want
to show up and so like, sure, how cool you are?
Where's my necklace? Like the other half of it. I
it's we're not best pals. I was just using you

(56:19):
to get closer to your bestie, the one that got away.
We did not offer enough money Justine. You're you're using
me to get to Justine? You bet you? Oh this
is ridiculous and that's our show. Oh boy, we really

(56:41):
we on our right. There so many businesses no one
wants to work, you know, tough to get good hires
these days, characters. But we had six individual businesses. Let's
go around seeing everybody's doing. Mark Gagiley Lardy. Yeah, thanks
for having me, man, this is always fun. You can

(57:01):
find me online. I'm at Mark gags on a lot
of the things and um we got this with Mark
and how we got uh. New episodes every week on
the Maximum Fun Network Lineage Performing Arts Center in Pasadena.
If you are a local to Southern California, first Thursday
of the month, we have a live Shakespeare show called

(57:22):
What You Will and Blood and Treasure season two coming soon. Yeah,
Jackiegins allis Dorothy, Yes, thank you for having me. Is
that I have a question? Is the Shakespeare show improvised? Uh?
It is partly improvised, It is mostly written. It is
mostly personal stories based on Shakespeare. Oh cool. I only

(57:44):
asked because of the titles. So I'm like, oh, that's
not That's not a Shakespeare show, right exactly. Okay, great, Um,
I'm not in that show, but I'm plugging it should
become I'm at Yeah, I gotta go. I'm at Jackie
Druthy on Instagram and that's where I put us about
all of my shows. And I do some shows and
I do some shows at the West Side and I

(58:05):
do them with with some lovely people here and this
very zoom and it's a great time. So keep your
eyes peeled. Thank you for having How are the heat dos?
My god, they're doing well. I don't know if you
guys have watched last night, but let's just say we
won by thirty five points. Everybody, Hey, thanks for having me.

(58:29):
It's always a pleasure. I laugh when you guys are performing,
and it's great to be a part of it. UM
shows coming up weekly monthly shows. First Thursday of the
month is Pretty Pretty Pony at the West Side Comedy
Theater and the third Wednesday of the month is uh
my sketch show Grip for Comedy. All that stuff is
on my website and through my socials so toolsing dot com.

(58:54):
Nice Craig Tikowski. As of right now, the Washington Wizards
have the tenth pick the draft. Um they if they
get lucky in the lottery, they might move up to
one of those coveted first four spots, and who knows,
if they get Bradley Beale into a long term contract,
get to get some point guard help, you know, like

(59:14):
anything's possible, and you can. You can follow me on
at Kikowski for the next couple of months before I
quit Twitter. Nice I'm at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cold,
depending on the social thing. Pretty Pretty Pony first Thursday
of the month. And Grifter, which I direct, which is
the third Wednesday at eight all at Westside Comedy Westside
Comedy dot com. Catch me in Romeo or Juliet, you

(59:38):
choose the side, and then you only watch one part
of the Show's pretty great, guys, let's thank our producer
and engineer, Doug Baby and they'll find folks at I
heeart Media dot com. From please write to us at
Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's now come

(01:00:02):
until next time.