December 30, 2021 • 50 mins
This year, Christmas just don’t happen.
Who the fuck was Alice?
First person to finish last.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode about them. I know, yeah
I did. Sometimes I can't believe it's me on, but
I digress. Let's meet a Rackham a shower you no
particular order. Let's welcome Christoperado, Chris the Dish. Have you
been to the movie theater lately, and if so, did
you see anything you liked. I haven't been to the
(00:24):
movie theater in such a long time, which is which
sucks because I love that experience. Purposely avoiding. Yeah, I
think it's like timing and like I feel like there's
some one, like one movie out forever for a long
time or something. It's not like these are rocking and
rolling the way they used to. Yeah. No, I mean
that's it. That's all I gotta say. I haven't been.
(00:45):
I want to go. Are you in a movie coming
out soon? Is anybody here? And we're super safe? Uh
be protected people? And we've been to the movie theater
a lot in the last in the last six months
and now weekly dose of Craig Kakowski Cow, when was
the last time you ate from one of the fast
food offerings in town? And how was it? Well? I
(01:09):
go to In and Out a few times a year
and I never regret it. Uh. For some reason, that
reminds me though of like two years after I was
in Chicago. This is like the mid nineties. I was
visiting a friend downtown and uh and he had just
uh converted a reservoir dogs laser disc onto VHS for me.
So that's where we were in technology then. And he
(01:32):
was like, where are you? Where are you going now?
I was like, Oh, I was gonna get lunch at McDonald's.
He's like, why you you live in a city. Now,
There's a burger place called Mr Gez. It's across the street.
Why would you not go there? And I grew up
eating tons of shitty fast food and I was also
(01:52):
poor for several years, and that's what I fucking ate.
And then for some reason that was seared into my
brain of just like, yeah, why would I ever go
back to mchonell's. I live in a city. Yeah, But
in and Out is a cut above and worth the trip,
and that that's pretty much it. Like McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger
king has been at least twenty years for any of them.
(02:13):
From me, Wow, that's impressive, Jamie and sists and I
agree that In and out is best for actually the
protein style. They have the best version of that in
in Los Angeles. But if we're talking French fries, you
know me, I gotta go to five guys. Hey, there's
(02:34):
James Heeney, Jimmy, James, John John Please audition now for
the role of Christmas Future. I am Christmas Future. You
need to He doesn't see, he doesn't. He doesn't. I
thought it was the er he is. Yeah, doesn't talk,
he just points. Not not the versions I've seen in
(02:59):
Touch Chip, Oh, we love you? So Hey. Now here's
Caroline card or cut Spot. What's your third favorite thing
about Christmas? Oh? My were The third favorite thing for
me is definitely um, all that paper that's all crumpled
(03:21):
up post all the paper you gotta put it in
a bigass trash bag. But you, in fact like the
look of all those wrapped gifts, the sensation, the nostalgic
oh looking all the it gives me like wrap gifts
to stress me out, freaks me and and and the
wrapping of gifts. How are we doing? I like it? Um.
(03:45):
The past couple of years, I will say I've done
it a little drunk. And I would not recommend that okay, cool,
thanks for that, um and last but two nights, six
days at a Radisson. If you think of least, it's
Joey Greer stench maker. What's the hottest gift this year?
The hottest gift right now, people are gonna say PlayStation five,
(04:07):
but I actually want to put a pin and then
say you're wrong and that pin is filled with poison
and now you're dead. Okay, because the hottest gift right
now are actually they're called skin toys, and what they
are is like they're just these like flesh light dolls
are not real flesh, but it has the same feel,
the same texture as human skin. And you can get
them in all different shapes and sizes and they're great.
(04:29):
They're like great for stocking stuffers, they're great for kids.
And each one has its own like preloaded phrases. For instance,
one of the to get people to stop buying PS
five because she can't find one on the shelf. Now
a three damn show all of us suggestions gather from
your listener emails or for my patroon v i ps
to picture in support of the show and enjoy exclusive
(04:52):
content like standalone bonus scenes that we make just for
you or video of this very session right now only
available to patrons head on over the patron dot com
slash alchemy this is You can also suggest, of course,
a scene via email just right to U said Alchemy.
This email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemist one comes
(05:14):
from Patron v I P. Phil, who sent this scene suggestion.
This year, Christmas just don't happen. I hope you're better off, Phil. Wow, mommy, Um,
I listened for Santa Claus last night. Didn't I wake up?
I didn't didn't. What time is its? Sweetheart? Seven am?
(05:41):
I did not hear Santa Claus. You know what, It
might just be too early for Santa Claus. Go back
to sleep for at least two more hours, right, but
I feel he would have come already. You know what, sweetheart,
don't make your dad or there's gonna be no Christmas
this year. Okay, he'll he'll lock that the fireplace so
that Santa can't even come down. Just go back to
(06:02):
sleep for two more hours. I shouldn't wake dead. Is
that what you're saying. I'm just saying, like, let's keep
her voices down. You woke up a little too early
this year? Okay, Yeah, yeah, but I shouldn't wake death.
Well if he wakes up. Oh no, somebody woke me
up in the bedroom. What's going on in the bathroom?
(06:25):
Good going on? Good morning? Father? Yes, thank you for
joining us. What time is it. It's it's after four
thirty firty nine. That was going on? Well, some of
us are very excited about this being Christmas morning, Santa Claus.
(06:46):
I'm excited. Yeah, I'm excited. My hands up, prease your hand.
I was just telling mother that Santa Claus did not
come yet. What. Yeah, there's nothing on the trees zippos?
Did you put the presents on there? Here? Hunger? What? Hey? Santa?
Is any gonna come out of that bathroom? Bud? Not
(07:09):
not any time soon? Okay, okay, and we respect you obviously.
It's not looking good in here. Okay. So we haven't
been through something like this before. Um, what should I
tell everybody? The reindeer getting restless? What's the plan? Are
you telling me we don't have a contingency plan? We
(07:30):
did two years ago, but technology has changed and there's
just no way we would do I'm sorry, honey, I'm
out here with your head. Elf. I'm I'm fine to
drive this leigh. I know this head elf says that
he doesn't trust me on the road and the sky
with the crankle, crankle, whatever you do, don't let Mrs
Clause drive this lag after. It doesn't make it better.
(07:56):
It doesn't make it like a fun nice thing that
you're saying. So do you col You see what he's doing, right?
He likes controlling of me in this way. That's not qualified.
Ho ho, he said, I failed my first sleigh license.
You have a pretty good relationship with the reindeer. Yeah,
so I feel like that counts for something. Well, did
(08:22):
you did you eat fast food? Yes? We're in the north.
I had Taco Bella for the first time years. Honey.
I put the two presents from us down there. But
that was last night, waiting before Santa would have gotten here. Goddamnit.
Let go show. Someone broke in here and stole the
goddamn towards No. I think that he might be right.
(08:43):
Maybe Santa didn't come yet. Put we put the presidents
down here. Hi, welcome to Taco Bella. Take your order please? No, no, no, no? Hi?
Is that yeah? Eight here last night and he's not
(09:09):
feeling very well. We might as well get a few
no more, no more? Have you I did not work
the night shift, sir, I can certainly make a record.
What if youurious not feeling well? I ampologize, Hey, what's
up with your ears? Man? Are you talking to me? No? No,
he's talking to me. And I know he's talking to
(09:31):
me because I know this is Brad Dorian at one
to oh four Arrington Avenue, stan Colorita, California. Ship has
this guy know? Okay? That's how I know, Brad. You've
been made as an el pa. Okay, so um. I
(10:03):
don't know what the other solution is. You are in
a full body cast and my husband can't step away
from the toilet for more than a half hour without
having an accident. He ruined his suit. The reindeer are here.
They want to have a word with you. Fine, let
them in, you know, no name them all. I actually
(10:23):
forget their names. Please, Donner and Blitzen. We've got that.
It actually better to just leave him to heal stress.
We should move him away from the toilet room, but
he wants to be closed. So fine. The possibility of
(10:44):
infection is sky right there. Who cares? Who cares? Fine,
I'll meet with the right with the deer. Do you
know their names? Do I know? Well? No, Um, I do,
but I don't have to say them were fixed. Okay,
there's so many flies kind of building up around. I
(11:05):
know I have there's something. Yeah, there's a lot of
flies in this bathroom. Um, sweetheart, did you think I
bought all those presents all those years? No? We get
two presents a year for him. You don't. What do
you look at the Discover card bill from last year?
Do you see how you use it as I use
(11:27):
an am X? What the hell you do? Honey? Hi? Stand?
This is carl Um that s OS alert Alert Alert.
Someone has actually ordered a Discover card And uh, it's
been seventeen years, and I just want to let you
know I was fourd you in a voicemail say that
(11:49):
one more time. I wasn't a Discover card And I've
got a form here and it's gonna take at least
two weeks to get up the machine to print that
card out. I don't know what to do. Ship should
write the person to say we're working on it? Should
we just do nothing and make them wait? Well, maybe
we can just do nothing for a while until something
(12:11):
else happens. Great plan, I completely forgot why we went
out of business seventeen years. Well, Mrs Claus, I am fixing,
and I have a couple of questions for you. Okay, yeah,
you don't have to like put that all in my
face though, Jesus Christ, I'm sorry. It's been a trying day,
as you know, start say, we're flying over Russia and
(12:38):
Donner's you know, leg starts to hurt. What are we
do in a situation like that? Why don't we Why
don't we ask her like legitimate situations? All right, you're
just kinda from the hip here, I mean here, Okay, Now,
if one of the sleigh ropes snap, you're gonna have
(12:58):
to run up and you're the reharnessed us. Do you
know how to do that? Yeah, of course I know
how to do that. Okay, we'll show us now I don't.
I'm sorry. I just don't feel like my husband is
put through the same tests. There's no way, there's no
way he can't unhook my bro There's no way you
test him on running up here and rehocan these reindeer straps.
(13:20):
That's a different thing. That's a different kind of thing.
You shouldn't be having this conversation until all the reindeer
are here, so let's just sound off. Okay, can you
put on more clothes? I'm sorry, I've just never been
offended by how scantily clada reindeer was dressed before. Until
let's find my card again and i'll say my name,
Vixen present. Who's next? Connor? I'm sorry, I think you're
(13:47):
not a deer, you're a raccoon. Connor. Oh, b thank you.
Now I want to call the Discover number and I'm
gonna figure out what the hell is going on here. Okay, honey,
you're going to be disappointed because we bhy a couple
of presency here. You legitimately believe in slieve that's exactly okay. Yes,
(14:11):
this is why I sleep in the bathroom. Okay, this
is why. Basically it was funny. It was funny calling Discover.
Oh my god, dial hello. Yes, uh, it's gonna let
you know. You and I look kind of alike. How
can you tell that? I just know it's one of
our things. I'll tell you six six speed inches, how
(14:38):
about you? Well, you didn't answer answer? All right, So
what's the issue? You asked me a question? Six? What sir?
I gotta make sure we look alike if I'm actually
talking to discover six hut dogs stacked on the side
or upright? Right? Okay, alright, so far, so good. We're
size all right. Let me get a cheesy god die
a crunch right, and a crunch rep supreme. Okay to
(15:02):
crunches and uh Nacho's bell grande? Are you still doing
the mixy melt? This guy's out up. I think this
is fucking said. You need to stand down. Okay, buddy,
enjoyed one more time. You're there quite a while, he is,
Are you Santa Claus? Don't ask him that man? What
(15:25):
what day is it? It's you know what, it's half
past noon on Christmas Day? Oh my god? Yeah yeah,
my kid didn't get anything this year. Fucker? Well, what
am I doing in a taco bell in Santa Clarita?
What's wrong with you? You've really Santa Claus? My kids
(15:52):
that has seen one? My kids didn't get any gifts,
you fucker? Yeh see to come from listener Marcus, who wrote, well, well, well, Kevin,
you just get cold to do the dirty word. Nope,
I can't get mad at you for that because I
do the same you do. Who is this? How do
(16:13):
you know? Marcus? By the way, I like music, but
one song I've always wondered about. It's a smokey song.
What I wondered about it is who the fuck was Alice?
And that is my suggestion for a scene, always watching
Marcus looking over these forms here for new cards? MT.
(16:36):
Alice Rocher? Yeah, who's Alice? Um? Sorry you don't you
don't have any background on the card for Alice. No,
I'm telling I'm just looking at the what are you
looking at? I'm looking at the new card influx. So
I'm telling you right now what data we have with
(16:57):
people who are just applying for a new card. So,
but Alice for sure looks like she got a card
and there is some transactions. But I just write you
to numb skulls. Have you gotten me the new applicants
for the Discover cards today? Yeah, but there seemed to
be some kind of issue there. There's one of the sir,
it's not an issue. Well there's Alice Rocher. I'm not
(17:21):
sure who she is, but she looks like she applied
for the card, actually made payments with her share row
share and uh, can I have a little sidebar with you? Sir,
just for a second private. Yeah, yeah, listen, Brad is
either doing drugs or or some some sort of alcohol
(17:44):
or opiate. Something's happening. I can't I can't keep track
of his thoughts. I don't think he Okay, well that's
gonna be perfect. So you can uncover your ears. Uncover
your ears. Huh, I covered your ears. Look at my hands.
I'm showing you uncover your ears. Money you want money,
I'm sending you too. To get some background on Alice.
(18:06):
Come back here when you know more whether or not
she gets a car. Hey, Bob, Carrie, come here, come here?
What what what I'm working? I know? Hold on? You
know how I've been on this Beatles trip lately, right
Beatles trip? Yeah? You just discovered the Beatles two weeks ago.
Thanks for that eight hour documentary. Yeah, we know everybody's
known about the Beatles for their whole lives. Okay, but
(18:28):
did you know this? Watch what happens when I play
this record backwards? Hey, oh it's rot here? Doesn't that
sound like a name? Well? You were talking over it?
Played again? Be quiet this time, just still whispering along
with I won't say anything this time. Errol a little
(18:52):
threw re sure, it's I heard Alice clearly Treacher, Alice Reacher.
I don't know Jack Reacher's sister. Oh maybe I love
Jack Reacher. That is that's a TV show in a novel?
Many novels, I think several what's that? What was that?
(19:17):
Seven novels? Play that again? Play that again? I think
that records something else, shure, several novels, several novels. Maybe,
I'm sorry, I don't I wasn't sure where to go.
I'm I'm here for the Montgomery Wake. What's your name? Alice? Shut?
(19:39):
Then up? What's your last name? What's your last name? What? Share? No? No, no, no, no, no, okay,
you don't don't leave, don't leave. Oh my god, oh yeah,
it's not the right thing. Sorry, I thought that that
was the right person I was. Do you know what,
(20:00):
Alice Reacher? I am just looking for the Montgomery Wake?
I okay, do you know Jack Reacher? What's going on?
What is the phrase? Several novels being to you? What?
I just want to find the Beatles song? Do you
know what the Beatles are? Of course, everyone's the Beatles are.
I just want to find the way. Please, just if
you could just point me whatever viewing room. That is
(20:22):
one last question please, I was just gonna say that
this is a manufacturing company. So you've made your way
into a corporate office. There's no wake here. Okay, thank you,
which is even crazy here because look you Okay, I'm
gonna play this record for you backward. You're really quick.
Let's listen to this here. You're forward for a little bit.
(20:45):
We can. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, so I'll
play forward for a second. Seven days we seven? What
is this? What is this? If this isn't the Beatle,
(21:06):
it's thank you, Alice, Alice. One last question? Who died?
John Montgomery? Sean Montgomery Montgomery Wards used to be a
place shut off before fellas. I know that sounds crazy,
but I was thinking we change the title to seven
(21:28):
days a week. Yeah, John, we've already put it out there,
I know, but we could always put out an addendum record.
But think of the boosting sales. Also, this isn't it
days in the week? Though? We go if you're open
(21:52):
your fucking mouth again, how many times do we have
to go over this? Richard? Seriously, we don't mind calling
your ring though if we have to, But for folks sake, mate, No,
but it's a good point, knows to bring it up
that there are seven days a week. I don't know
what we were thinking other than the fact that we
(22:12):
were super high. I just want to say that John
Montgomery meant a lot to all of us, and thank you, um,
thank you everyone here coming from the manufacturing plant, they
just gonna follow me in. UM. I told so much
(22:35):
about him on the way here, and I felt like
I knew him. I know. I just don't think it's
appropriate for all of you to go up one after
the other. Thank you, and for that reason I'll speak.
So I just want to say that, Um. The first
time I heard about John monk Um, John John John
to Montgomery was today, about half hour ago. And what
(22:57):
struck me the most is that there is a cover
band that exists that is doing um beatles songs and
they call themselves the Beads. UM go on. This is
important important, so um, and that's something I never would
(23:17):
have learned if it wasn't for Alice here, who kind
of told us about I didn't. I didn't, I didn't
bring them. I want to say thank you to Alice,
Thank you your family, and thank you to whoever catered
this event. All right, you two numb skulls. What did
you get me on Alice? Oh ship? Was that supposed
to a deadline? How are we ever supposed to open
(23:40):
new Discover accounts if I can't count on you guys
getting background information? Listen, if you want us to send
out some emails, if you're just looking to drum up
the business again, it's been a while, but to get
some background. Well, I was me and Gabe, We're talking,
and I believe he wants to read my thoughts. I
(24:03):
think that's like a core thing in our relationship. He
was talking about that he needs to wear your next
thought right now? Sir? Are you just obsessed with Alice
and this is no longer about Discover currents? Did that
was not listen? I can't believe you think I think that. Yeah. No,
(24:27):
I wasn't reading your thoughts, sir. I was reading let
it go, let it go, let it go, let it
if you don't mind me, and rejecting, uh, let it go.
I don't know if that's that's perfectly good title? Yeah?
(24:48):
Is it? Though? Because what you're saying is sort of dismissive.
And then I don't know sometimes I sweat it crossed
the funk up? Alice? Alice, Um, I know, took alone alone.
I just wanted to say, perhaps maybe there chance that
(25:10):
what the fund is this? I've been Oh my god,
I'm blown up in these discovery card emails? What the
fund is going on? Oh? That's oh my god. Somebody
opened a card to Mike I under my name? Fuck?
What what is it? What do you need? I got
nothing now, I guess I just want to know. Maybe
you want to grab a bite or something. No, how
(25:31):
did you know John? What was your relation to him?
None of your business? I just want to know what
none of you know so much? No, go back with
your friends? Do you mean infacturing building that? I want
to make workers? Okay? I don't care. Okay, I don't
want to be your friend, Alice. I don't know you.
Who this is it? Are you? Alice? All right? Please?
(25:53):
Please get away? Spray? What is that? Which? Actually? I
made my own to home can cad. There's little knives
in there too. Oh and that doesn't make any sense.
Let's see you go spray like spray because the knives
are gonna shoot out. Okay, So you want to protect me?
I want to protect you just don't want to like
some preacher Alice, I'm gonna I'm gonna swing for your head.
(26:17):
I want to see what you're going. What are you doing?
What are you doing? I need to do that. They're
that woman, take some of his bones, take his bones out,
(26:40):
and so we're gonna put all the records out under
the alias the Beads and other they let it go,
which I'm gonna put out on the adele de zime
uh uh. I've also hidden backward masking the names of
everyone in the in the ed went twenty one, who
has a systomic that's brilliant, mate. So it's only like
(27:07):
three people, though, isn't it. It's only like three people
sorty of late, sort of late. It's me Joe, and
you can't forget about me. Connor that a scene too.
Oh seven days a week, everyone's favorite. See three comes
(27:39):
from Peach and v I P. Going by the handle
seem Suggestor number four three one two, who wrote, well,
hello there, legends, I've just joined your patron because I
decided that you deserved my money, well some of it.
You probably deserve more of it, but you're not getting it.
(28:01):
It's my money and crack doesn't by itself. I have
a scene suggestion the first person to ever finish last.
I hope this helps. Goodbye. Oh my god, this is
so freaking long. I'm so tired. Well, why don't we
(28:25):
just take a break. Okay, let's walk, okay o. God,
you know, I thought I thought I could win this race,
but we suck. We're like in the we we lost
the chance of winning this a while ago. Yeah, I
didn't know that a marathon was this long. Well yeah,
that's the first time they're doing it, so there's no
way to know. You guys says in the race. There
(28:50):
are you in this too? No, I'm just giving out
the orange slices. I was packing up. I didn't think
anyone else is still out here. I'll take orange slice.
I am first. I'll take one as well. Please, thank you.
The race is like over, no that it wasn't gonna
end until the last person finished. So and I haven't
(29:10):
finished and she hasn't finished, So one of you is
going to actually be last. Yeah, well there probably is
somebody behind us. We Yeah, well, we have another person
with us that was kind of along with us. So
unless something bad happened to them, where they trip where
it is got eating somebody down the path, so, oh
(29:32):
my god, eating him. I told him not to wear
that stupid paper pants. Yeah they looked stupid too, Yeah,
only I didn't realize it was dangerous because it looked stupid.
You know what, I'm going to pick up the pace
a little bit. I can't wait for you. There's a
(29:54):
lot a little more on the line here. I'm going.
I'm walking. I'm running with you now, but actually I'm
not appreciating it. Don't want to do this solo? Now?
What do you mean? Please? If you could just stand
still so I can handle your paper pants. It's very
difficult because of the fabric. Do you understand shorts? Paper shorts? Please?
(30:16):
You wanted shorts? Yeah, okay, all right, I'll make it
different pins for the shorts and midside. You want to
go canny? Shut it? I swear I will milk you dry.
Do you want the midside shorts or do you want
(30:38):
to go below the knee? I think high, as high
as possible, dress both left and right if that's any
concern of yours. You want short shorts, yeah, well I'll
be running on these, hi toner. How you set up
a bitch that grass shirt you gave me little on
fire and burn my goddamn chest nipples? All right? Whose
(31:00):
follows that? The tailor? Not here? I'm daring. Are you
getting appreciate having in my back? Mr? So? Your nipples
are no more? No more, just a smooth rock for
a chest? Why why I cry? And the loss of
(31:24):
your nipples? Yeah, I'm not gonna cry? All right, Well,
then you just wasted my time. I want my money back.
I'm sure you do. Well, Steve, it feels like we
could probably pack up here. I think that's about wait
wait wait, wait, wait wait wait, well boy, we got
a couple of strugglers coming on. All right, all right,
(31:45):
let's look at their bid numbers. We've got three eight
one and three eight two again. Fidipity is the winner
of the first marathon. Made it all the way from
marathon to Athens and twenty six point two miles, which
is a great length. We'll probably keep that. These folks
are still making their way to the booth, Judie Holder,
(32:05):
let me give you something here here, Okay, thank you
your we're here with the second to last competitor in
this year's marathon. Thank god I crossed second to last.
That was close. Folks, look like your hand is your friend,
(32:27):
a piece of your own ship there? What was the
logic behind that? Well, I just thought that it would
be surprising. Oh what side of my face? Your own
ship's gonna give me pink guy, pink guy from your
own ship. This is a philosophical a sweetheart. Look, that's that.
(32:54):
That's that lady. She's the first one to ever finished last.
She's like the world's first loser. Don't bother her. I mean,
I feel like we should say something to her, should Yeah,
something encouraging, encouraging, Yeah, let's do that. Hi, Hi, Judy's Judy, right, Yeah,
(33:18):
we just want to say we're we know you're the
first person ever finished last. We're fans. I heard, I
heard you called me the first loser over there. Okay,
so don't pretend that you're gonna come over here and
I think that you're going to get on my sweet side.
Do you want any shells? No? No, I mean, if
the shoe fits sort of thing, what would you like
(33:39):
to be called? If not the first losing? Just Judy
just by my name, my friend. My friend tricked me.
The reason I'm in this position is because my best friend.
We saw, we flung his pooh, I mean it was
I can't even believe it was a lie. But Judy,
no one even knows his name. Because the second last
it's not that important, but first last is incredible. Jerry,
(34:02):
that's such a good point. Another wine jug for you, buddy,
I've never seen anybody drink this much. What do you celebrating? No,
I'm not really celebrating. I'm honestly, I'm just sad. I'm
just sad. But thanks for the wife. You gotta pay
for it ain't free. You know who I am? Right,
(34:24):
I am not the loser of the marathon, but I'm
a competitor. Okay, yeah, so don't winners get to get wine? Oh?
You won? Well I didn't lose, that's for sure. What
do you mean? Wait, did you win or not? I
didn't lose, but I lost a friend of the whole
(34:47):
ordeal the Philippites. That's the person that won the first marathon?
Oh my god? Are you sure? Oh? No, that lady?
(35:07):
Holy ship. Look, buddy, I don't know what you want
me to tell you. A guy, I don't know who
the hell you are. I don't know when you placed
second to last, But I had to cheat to get there, honestly,
it was. It's a low point in my life. Your
eyes all fun up. It's the worst case of pink
I ever. I don't even know it might have gone beyond.
(35:28):
I think it's just staph infectionally eyeball. Yeah, you know what.
This jugs on me. This jugs on me. You're gonna
lose that. Thank you, thank you part of me. Your
fidippities is that right? No, that's the winner of the marriage.
Wasn't talking to you? No? Him? What's up your your fipites?
(35:50):
Is that right? Yeah? I just want to say congratulations
on winning the first ever marathon. Thanks. Yeah. And furthermore,
oh boy, have you met Judy? God, I don't know
why you keep dragging me to these places. Hi, my
name is Judy. I lost the marathon that you won. Yeah, Judy, listen.
(36:12):
I just wanted to say, Uh, based on the accolades
that I'm getting, in the attention that you're getting, using
or coming in last, you might be the way to
go in the future. Wow. That means a lot coming
from you. Thank you. I mean, I'm clearly the best
at this, but so what Yeah, and I guess we
(36:35):
didn't really think about. It was a race of three,
you know what I mean. You beat us by six
hours and we kind of straggled in the back. It
was a you know, bet turned wrong in a way
almost like brilliant move. We were thank you. There were four. Actually,
our fourth friend got um eaten by um you might
(36:57):
goat so um um I'm sorry. He was my husband.
Um oh so yeah, it's okay, it's okay. I've been
getting a lot of asks since I lost the race.
Um So, sexually I've recovered, but emotionally I'm still kind
of struggling with it. And that's that's your quote unquote
(37:17):
friend over there, right, the one that hand you do
the piece of ship. Um yeah, yeah, I haven't well,
I haven't seen him since the marathon. I feel like
he tossed it at you more than handed it to you. Well,
he said that, he said to me, he said, hey,
I have something for you, And it was kind of
like a combination of a toss and a a gift giving.
So yeah, well, I guess I'm on the head home.
(37:42):
You brought me here and you're just gonna leave. Dude,
who was who's that guy that's been swallowing around. What
was that? Who's the guy that's been with you? Sorry,
sometimes when you talk it just sounds like all one
word that's drunk together. So it's hard for me to
kind of figure out. I don't um the guy that's
been with me. He's the one who beat me in
the marathon. Everybody beat me. I mean that guy and
(38:05):
I know Steves. I'm talking about the keeps taking your
different pub Oh yeah, he started collecting my shrimp shells
and now he just wants to He wants to kind
of take me everywhere, kind of like I'm a little
freaky shows off to people. Oh so this is like
your dose. This guy's like your patron. He's like giving
you money off. He's like my patron. Yeah, Like he's like,
(38:26):
must be wealthy as ship find all the shows. I
don't know. He hasn't given me. He has doesn't give
them to me. He's collecting myself. We can we can
spin your loss as a way to sell the shells.
I don't know how much market there is for there's
so many more losers. Okay, but he's not he's not
paying for my shells, dud. This could be huge for us,
(38:48):
all right, all right, you're getting too invested. We fucked once. Okay, everybody,
welcome to Loser. Can the only break the ring ringo? No? Yeah, no, yeah,
it's the headliner. He might he is a headliner. Oh,
(39:12):
Connor here? All right, you guys have done your homework.
You've done your homework. Now, statistically there are more losers
and there are winners. Give it up for that stuff. Yeah,
well we have someone here who's opening up for Connor
up a ringo. He's not here. You gotta you gotta
(39:33):
open up. I'm thinking about Judy whatever, whoever was supposed
open they're not here. You gotta open up. I'm not
a loser, it doesn't matter. Just just sell it. Just
sell the loss, Sell the loss. I I'm gonna talk
to you for a second about what it's like to lose.
Wait a minute, this guy doesn't know what it's like.
(39:59):
The shelf is. He's got a bomb full of shells.
But I can appreciate the loser and all us. He's
got a twelve pack of abs. I've never seen that before.
She kill the winner, killed the winner. Well that's done.
(40:30):
Going to the boot, sir, Judy, what I haven't talked
to you? In a long time. Yeah, I know, and
I'm so sorry about your eye to take it out,
and you know it was my fault. I shouldn't have
done that to you, should you? Thank you? Is that?
(40:51):
You know? What is that all you showed up at my? Um? Well,
I just feel bad that I missed Mike's funeral. Oh yeah,
well I should have been there. He was your husband,
you were my friends. Thank you. It wasn't there wasn't
a lot to see it by the time they cleaned him.
Oh my god, stay in bed. I'm sorry. This is
(41:14):
so awkward. I just had this guy I met on
um Grecian Um tinder Um. Yeah. It starts with the
okay x SR out of here, Okay, thank you, excuse you. Sorry.
(41:38):
I've just been kind of going through a thing where
I'm just kind of poking up, you know, getting really
I haven't been able to look up since the I think, yeah,
that makes sense. You look really horrific. Well, the skin
around it got pretty bad too. It's just if it
would have only stayed in the eye, it looks it's
like quite a bit a lot out of there, and
(41:58):
I would Here's the thing I've this is the most
promiscuous and loose. No, no, no, no, I'm so sorry
to say this is the most loose I've been, and
I the fact that I'm not wanting to get sexual
with you right now is showing how disgusting you really
are to me. I'm sorry. I have a low bar,
but this is even beneath that. I'm afraid that if
you come into my home You're going to infect everything.
(42:21):
I'm sorry. I just wanted to say sorry. Thank you.
You said that already. Thank you for saying that well,
because I use your restaurant group. No, I'm so sorry.
I can't stress this enough. I don't feel comfortable with
you in any part of my home. That makes sense.
My friend, my friend, I just saw that the rejection.
It was mutual. It was mutual rejection. I don't think so.
(42:45):
I didn't want to go in there, and she didn't
want me in there. I you only have one of those? Huh,
my friend, wouldn't you like to win? Yeah? What would
you do anything to free? What it's like to Yeah?
(43:06):
Would you give your other eye for it? Huh? Did
you know my others? What I said? You heard me?
Would you give your other eye? Oh? Yeah, I do it?
I do it for a for a solid win. It's
got to be a let me just get it out last. Judy,
(43:37):
Oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, be careful. That's
the same one that can't. Mark. Oh my god, you
look awful. Please, Oh I can't. I'm so sorry. I'm
so I have someone coming over. Sorry, And that's how
(44:02):
the story ends. Oh my goodness, amazing story. Thank you.
What's the moral? The moral is, don't become friendly with
a mean person. No, he completely missed it. I'll start
over again. So can I? Can I get out of here? You?
(44:24):
I mean, I don't want to just yeah, I guess
that's fine. I thought we would have a little I
thought we say bye to each other after I put well,
he's not going to bed, and you make you for
this a third time? I mean, what the moral is?
Who gives a ship? People think there is a moral
(44:46):
in the story. Honestly, I don't think there is. And
I'm sorry to believe that this isn't an actual Greek
story sort of thing. You wrote this? And if I did,
am I not allowed to to? You know? Dude? That? Yes?
So many course? What? Oh? Sorry? Sorry? Interrupted? I realized
it's June fourteen, but I'm still getting around to some
(45:09):
of the people I didn't get six months ago. I understand.
There's a little boy here. Yes, he's in bed. His
name is Alex. All Right, sorry, I had a bad meximel.
That sounds horrible. Yes, I've tried to wash it down
with Martain Doo damn. Um. Well, I've got a I've
(45:37):
got a beads boxed set for a little boy. All right,
anything for us? Or well, well, you're a good boy
this year. Sure, Okay, Well I know that's not true
because I have come give me a gift. You're here, okay,
(45:59):
all right, fine, reaching to the bottom of the bag ship.
It's a piece of my own ship, my my Mexic
melt infected ship. Man, what the I'm starting? I mean,
(46:33):
you know when you hit the pinnacle. I mean, Craig
Akoski is one of improv's best, you know what I mean.
And just just just to know to use your own
Mexy melt ship to shove it in someone's I mean,
that's it's the only place to cut. God, oh my god,
thank you for being here everyone, starting of course with
(46:55):
Ebonizer Cotter. Thank you so very very much. Or a line.
Than You're off to the homeland tomorrow. Is that? Yeah?
Beautiful New Jersey, safe travels, Thank you, godspeed, and hope
it's a healthy and glorious holiday. Oh yeah, it's gonna
be a little wet and wild and probably a little cold.
(47:22):
Chris Alvarado, Oh my gosh, that so much fun. I
have no holiday plans. I mean, mini, I'm not traveling,
sticking sticking around Los Angeles here, gonna chill, chill, chill, chill.
I might, I might stop by then please stop by.
Oh my goodness, perfect, that working perfectly. Christmas morning. I'll
wake you and up. I'll wake you up in bed.
(47:43):
We'll be up. Okay, I mean I can wait. If
I get that before you, I can wake you guys up.
Oh okay, thank you. I mean you can spend the
night before. Oh my god, this is getting better. Can
Craig come? Okay, let's keep going. I'm busy, Greig, get cowsk.
I'm busy. Stand in town for the holidays. The folks
(48:05):
are coming out from Virginia, but they get to stay
with my sisters, so I don't I don't need to
deal with that. And uh yeah, we're going to going
to Palm Springs for a few nights as well, taking
them to Rio's. Yeah, which is a good, good parent restaurant. Yes, uh,
(48:26):
you mean the rails in Los Angeles or they open
one in the Springs. Is the one in Palm Springs? Yeah? No,
I didn't think so. No, no, Hollywood. Yeah. And Johnny
roast Beef is that the guy that does the table
work from Good Fellas. I think he stopped buying the tables.
Johnny Roastbee, Johnny roast Beef. Yeah, the real Johnny Roastby
the actual actor who played Johnny roast Beef in the movie.
(48:47):
I can't wait. Yeah, yeah, enjoy the hell out of that.
Please can't recommend that place enough. James Heeney, thanks for
having me. I am going to Chicago for Christmas and
I can't wait to be there. Well now you're just dragon,
god speed and healthy. Happy to you as well, sir,
Thank you, and to the lovely bride eron. Uh Joey Grimman, Yeah, yeah,
(49:11):
you're of course headed to Florida. Of course I have
to going. I'm going down to the Florida having a
good time. Open up a can sit by it, let
me get up. Huh. Try to get some people who
are messing in that state. I'm going to be has
matted through and through, but I don't have a good time.
(49:31):
It's like eight sor right. Well. God speed and safe
travels and happy healthy to all of you. Let's thank
our wonderful producer and uh I guess engineer to the stars,
Mr Doug Baane. My folks that I aren't media. Please
(49:53):
be kind to each other and stay safe, be happy,
be healthy, and thank you for joining us. As always,
write a review if it wouldn't kill you. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollic. Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode about them. I know, yeah
I did. Sometimes I can't believe it's me on, but
I digress. Let's meet a Rackham a shower you no
particular order. Let's welcome Christoperado, Chris the Dish. Have you
been to the movie theater lately, and if so, did
you see anything you liked. I haven't been to the
(00:24):
movie theater in such a long time, which is which
sucks because I love that experience. Purposely avoiding. Yeah, I
think it's like timing and like I feel like there's
some one, like one movie out forever for a long
time or something. It's not like these are rocking and
rolling the way they used to. Yeah. No, I mean
that's it. That's all I gotta say. I haven't been.
(00:45):
I want to go. Are you in a movie coming
out soon? Is anybody here? And we're super safe? Uh
be protected people? And we've been to the movie theater
a lot in the last in the last six months
and now weekly dose of Craig Kakowski Cow, when was
the last time you ate from one of the fast
food offerings in town? And how was it? Well? I
(01:09):
go to In and Out a few times a year
and I never regret it. Uh. For some reason, that
reminds me though of like two years after I was
in Chicago. This is like the mid nineties. I was
visiting a friend downtown and uh and he had just
uh converted a reservoir dogs laser disc onto VHS for me.
So that's where we were in technology then. And he
(01:32):
was like, where are you? Where are you going now?
I was like, Oh, I was gonna get lunch at McDonald's.
He's like, why you you live in a city. Now,
There's a burger place called Mr Gez. It's across the street.
Why would you not go there? And I grew up
eating tons of shitty fast food and I was also
(01:52):
poor for several years, and that's what I fucking ate.
And then for some reason that was seared into my
brain of just like, yeah, why would I ever go
back to mchonell's. I live in a city. Yeah, But
in and Out is a cut above and worth the trip,
and that that's pretty much it. Like McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger
king has been at least twenty years for any of them.
(02:13):
From me, Wow, that's impressive, Jamie and sists and I
agree that In and out is best for actually the
protein style. They have the best version of that in
in Los Angeles. But if we're talking French fries, you
know me, I gotta go to five guys. Hey, there's
(02:34):
James Heeney, Jimmy, James, John John Please audition now for
the role of Christmas Future. I am Christmas Future. You
need to He doesn't see, he doesn't. He doesn't. I
thought it was the er he is. Yeah, doesn't talk,
he just points. Not not the versions I've seen in
(02:59):
Touch Chip, Oh, we love you? So Hey. Now here's
Caroline card or cut Spot. What's your third favorite thing
about Christmas? Oh? My were The third favorite thing for
me is definitely um, all that paper that's all crumpled
(03:21):
up post all the paper you gotta put it in
a bigass trash bag. But you, in fact like the
look of all those wrapped gifts, the sensation, the nostalgic
oh looking all the it gives me like wrap gifts
to stress me out, freaks me and and and the
wrapping of gifts. How are we doing? I like it? Um.
(03:45):
The past couple of years, I will say I've done
it a little drunk. And I would not recommend that okay, cool,
thanks for that, um and last but two nights, six
days at a Radisson. If you think of least, it's
Joey Greer stench maker. What's the hottest gift this year?
The hottest gift right now, people are gonna say PlayStation five,
(04:07):
but I actually want to put a pin and then
say you're wrong and that pin is filled with poison
and now you're dead. Okay, because the hottest gift right
now are actually they're called skin toys, and what they
are is like they're just these like flesh light dolls
are not real flesh, but it has the same feel,
the same texture as human skin. And you can get
them in all different shapes and sizes and they're great.
(04:29):
They're like great for stocking stuffers, they're great for kids.
And each one has its own like preloaded phrases. For instance,
one of the to get people to stop buying PS
five because she can't find one on the shelf. Now
a three damn show all of us suggestions gather from
your listener emails or for my patroon v i ps
to picture in support of the show and enjoy exclusive
(04:52):
content like standalone bonus scenes that we make just for
you or video of this very session right now only
available to patrons head on over the patron dot com
slash alchemy this is You can also suggest, of course,
a scene via email just right to U said Alchemy.
This email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemist one comes
(05:14):
from Patron v I P. Phil, who sent this scene suggestion.
This year, Christmas just don't happen. I hope you're better off, Phil. Wow, mommy, Um,
I listened for Santa Claus last night. Didn't I wake up?
I didn't didn't. What time is its? Sweetheart? Seven am?
(05:41):
I did not hear Santa Claus. You know what, It
might just be too early for Santa Claus. Go back
to sleep for at least two more hours, right, but
I feel he would have come already. You know what, sweetheart,
don't make your dad or there's gonna be no Christmas
this year. Okay, he'll he'll lock that the fireplace so
that Santa can't even come down. Just go back to
(06:02):
sleep for two more hours. I shouldn't wake dead. Is
that what you're saying. I'm just saying, like, let's keep
her voices down. You woke up a little too early
this year? Okay, Yeah, yeah, but I shouldn't wake death.
Well if he wakes up. Oh no, somebody woke me
up in the bedroom. What's going on in the bathroom?
(06:25):
Good going on? Good morning? Father? Yes, thank you for
joining us. What time is it. It's it's after four
thirty firty nine. That was going on? Well, some of
us are very excited about this being Christmas morning, Santa Claus.
(06:46):
I'm excited. Yeah, I'm excited. My hands up, prease your hand.
I was just telling mother that Santa Claus did not
come yet. What. Yeah, there's nothing on the trees zippos?
Did you put the presents on there? Here? Hunger? What? Hey? Santa?
Is any gonna come out of that bathroom? Bud? Not
(07:09):
not any time soon? Okay, okay, and we respect you obviously.
It's not looking good in here. Okay. So we haven't
been through something like this before. Um, what should I
tell everybody? The reindeer getting restless? What's the plan? Are
you telling me we don't have a contingency plan? We
(07:30):
did two years ago, but technology has changed and there's
just no way we would do I'm sorry, honey, I'm
out here with your head. Elf. I'm I'm fine to
drive this leigh. I know this head elf says that
he doesn't trust me on the road and the sky
with the crankle, crankle, whatever you do, don't let Mrs
Clause drive this lag after. It doesn't make it better.
(07:56):
It doesn't make it like a fun nice thing that
you're saying. So do you col You see what he's doing, right?
He likes controlling of me in this way. That's not qualified.
Ho ho, he said, I failed my first sleigh license.
You have a pretty good relationship with the reindeer. Yeah,
so I feel like that counts for something. Well, did
(08:22):
you did you eat fast food? Yes? We're in the north.
I had Taco Bella for the first time years. Honey.
I put the two presents from us down there. But
that was last night, waiting before Santa would have gotten here. Goddamnit.
Let go show. Someone broke in here and stole the
goddamn towards No. I think that he might be right.
(08:43):
Maybe Santa didn't come yet. Put we put the presidents
down here. Hi, welcome to Taco Bella. Take your order please? No, no, no, no? Hi?
Is that yeah? Eight here last night and he's not
(09:09):
feeling very well. We might as well get a few
no more, no more? Have you I did not work
the night shift, sir, I can certainly make a record.
What if youurious not feeling well? I ampologize, Hey, what's
up with your ears? Man? Are you talking to me? No? No,
he's talking to me. And I know he's talking to
(09:31):
me because I know this is Brad Dorian at one
to oh four Arrington Avenue, stan Colorita, California. Ship has
this guy know? Okay? That's how I know, Brad. You've
been made as an el pa. Okay, so um. I
(10:03):
don't know what the other solution is. You are in
a full body cast and my husband can't step away
from the toilet for more than a half hour without
having an accident. He ruined his suit. The reindeer are here.
They want to have a word with you. Fine, let
them in, you know, no name them all. I actually
(10:23):
forget their names. Please, Donner and Blitzen. We've got that.
It actually better to just leave him to heal stress.
We should move him away from the toilet room, but
he wants to be closed. So fine. The possibility of
(10:44):
infection is sky right there. Who cares? Who cares? Fine,
I'll meet with the right with the deer. Do you
know their names? Do I know? Well? No, Um, I do,
but I don't have to say them were fixed. Okay,
there's so many flies kind of building up around. I
(11:05):
know I have there's something. Yeah, there's a lot of
flies in this bathroom. Um, sweetheart, did you think I
bought all those presents all those years? No? We get
two presents a year for him. You don't. What do
you look at the Discover card bill from last year?
Do you see how you use it as I use
(11:27):
an am X? What the hell you do? Honey? Hi? Stand?
This is carl Um that s OS alert Alert Alert.
Someone has actually ordered a Discover card And uh, it's
been seventeen years, and I just want to let you
know I was fourd you in a voicemail say that
(11:49):
one more time. I wasn't a Discover card And I've
got a form here and it's gonna take at least
two weeks to get up the machine to print that
card out. I don't know what to do. Ship should
write the person to say we're working on it? Should
we just do nothing and make them wait? Well, maybe
we can just do nothing for a while until something
(12:11):
else happens. Great plan, I completely forgot why we went
out of business seventeen years. Well, Mrs Claus, I am fixing,
and I have a couple of questions for you. Okay, yeah,
you don't have to like put that all in my
face though, Jesus Christ, I'm sorry. It's been a trying day,
as you know, start say, we're flying over Russia and
(12:38):
Donner's you know, leg starts to hurt. What are we
do in a situation like that? Why don't we Why
don't we ask her like legitimate situations? All right, you're
just kinda from the hip here, I mean here, Okay, Now,
if one of the sleigh ropes snap, you're gonna have
(12:58):
to run up and you're the reharnessed us. Do you
know how to do that? Yeah, of course I know
how to do that. Okay, we'll show us now I don't.
I'm sorry. I just don't feel like my husband is
put through the same tests. There's no way, there's no
way he can't unhook my bro There's no way you
test him on running up here and rehocan these reindeer straps.
(13:20):
That's a different thing. That's a different kind of thing.
You shouldn't be having this conversation until all the reindeer
are here, so let's just sound off. Okay, can you
put on more clothes? I'm sorry, I've just never been
offended by how scantily clada reindeer was dressed before. Until
let's find my card again and i'll say my name,
Vixen present. Who's next? Connor? I'm sorry, I think you're
(13:47):
not a deer, you're a raccoon. Connor. Oh, b thank you.
Now I want to call the Discover number and I'm
gonna figure out what the hell is going on here. Okay, honey,
you're going to be disappointed because we bhy a couple
of presency here. You legitimately believe in slieve that's exactly okay. Yes,
(14:11):
this is why I sleep in the bathroom. Okay, this
is why. Basically it was funny. It was funny calling Discover.
Oh my god, dial hello. Yes, uh, it's gonna let
you know. You and I look kind of alike. How
can you tell that? I just know it's one of
our things. I'll tell you six six speed inches, how
(14:38):
about you? Well, you didn't answer answer? All right, So
what's the issue? You asked me a question? Six? What sir?
I gotta make sure we look alike if I'm actually
talking to discover six hut dogs stacked on the side
or upright? Right? Okay, alright, so far, so good. We're
size all right. Let me get a cheesy god die
a crunch right, and a crunch rep supreme. Okay to
(15:02):
crunches and uh Nacho's bell grande? Are you still doing
the mixy melt? This guy's out up. I think this
is fucking said. You need to stand down. Okay, buddy,
enjoyed one more time. You're there quite a while, he is,
Are you Santa Claus? Don't ask him that man? What
(15:25):
what day is it? It's you know what, it's half
past noon on Christmas Day? Oh my god? Yeah yeah,
my kid didn't get anything this year. Fucker? Well, what
am I doing in a taco bell in Santa Clarita?
What's wrong with you? You've really Santa Claus? My kids
(15:52):
that has seen one? My kids didn't get any gifts,
you fucker? Yeh see to come from listener Marcus, who wrote, well, well, well, Kevin,
you just get cold to do the dirty word. Nope,
I can't get mad at you for that because I
do the same you do. Who is this? How do
(16:13):
you know? Marcus? By the way, I like music, but
one song I've always wondered about. It's a smokey song.
What I wondered about it is who the fuck was Alice?
And that is my suggestion for a scene, always watching
Marcus looking over these forms here for new cards? MT.
(16:36):
Alice Rocher? Yeah, who's Alice? Um? Sorry you don't you
don't have any background on the card for Alice. No,
I'm telling I'm just looking at the what are you
looking at? I'm looking at the new card influx. So
I'm telling you right now what data we have with
(16:57):
people who are just applying for a new card. So,
but Alice for sure looks like she got a card
and there is some transactions. But I just write you
to numb skulls. Have you gotten me the new applicants
for the Discover cards today? Yeah, but there seemed to
be some kind of issue there. There's one of the sir,
it's not an issue. Well there's Alice Rocher. I'm not
(17:21):
sure who she is, but she looks like she applied
for the card, actually made payments with her share row
share and uh, can I have a little sidebar with you? Sir,
just for a second private. Yeah, yeah, listen, Brad is
either doing drugs or or some some sort of alcohol
(17:44):
or opiate. Something's happening. I can't I can't keep track
of his thoughts. I don't think he Okay, well that's
gonna be perfect. So you can uncover your ears. Uncover
your ears. Huh, I covered your ears. Look at my hands.
I'm showing you uncover your ears. Money you want money,
I'm sending you too. To get some background on Alice.
(18:06):
Come back here when you know more whether or not
she gets a car. Hey, Bob, Carrie, come here, come here?
What what what I'm working? I know? Hold on? You
know how I've been on this Beatles trip lately, right
Beatles trip? Yeah? You just discovered the Beatles two weeks ago.
Thanks for that eight hour documentary. Yeah, we know everybody's
known about the Beatles for their whole lives. Okay, but
(18:28):
did you know this? Watch what happens when I play
this record backwards? Hey, oh it's rot here? Doesn't that
sound like a name? Well? You were talking over it?
Played again? Be quiet this time, just still whispering along
with I won't say anything this time. Errol a little
(18:52):
threw re sure, it's I heard Alice clearly Treacher, Alice Reacher.
I don't know Jack Reacher's sister. Oh maybe I love
Jack Reacher. That is that's a TV show in a novel?
Many novels, I think several what's that? What was that?
(19:17):
Seven novels? Play that again? Play that again? I think
that records something else, shure, several novels, several novels. Maybe,
I'm sorry, I don't I wasn't sure where to go.
I'm I'm here for the Montgomery Wake. What's your name? Alice? Shut?
(19:39):
Then up? What's your last name? What's your last name? What? Share? No? No, no, no, no, no, okay,
you don't don't leave, don't leave. Oh my god, oh yeah,
it's not the right thing. Sorry, I thought that that
was the right person I was. Do you know what,
(20:00):
Alice Reacher? I am just looking for the Montgomery Wake?
I okay, do you know Jack Reacher? What's going on?
What is the phrase? Several novels being to you? What?
I just want to find the Beatles song? Do you
know what the Beatles are? Of course, everyone's the Beatles are.
I just want to find the way. Please, just if
you could just point me whatever viewing room. That is
(20:22):
one last question please, I was just gonna say that
this is a manufacturing company. So you've made your way
into a corporate office. There's no wake here. Okay, thank you,
which is even crazy here because look you Okay, I'm
gonna play this record for you backward. You're really quick.
Let's listen to this here. You're forward for a little bit.
(20:45):
We can. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, so I'll
play forward for a second. Seven days we seven? What
is this? What is this? If this isn't the Beatle,
(21:06):
it's thank you, Alice, Alice. One last question? Who died?
John Montgomery? Sean Montgomery Montgomery Wards used to be a
place shut off before fellas. I know that sounds crazy,
but I was thinking we change the title to seven
(21:28):
days a week. Yeah, John, we've already put it out there,
I know, but we could always put out an addendum record.
But think of the boosting sales. Also, this isn't it
days in the week? Though? We go if you're open
(21:52):
your fucking mouth again, how many times do we have
to go over this? Richard? Seriously, we don't mind calling
your ring though if we have to, But for folks sake, mate, No,
but it's a good point, knows to bring it up
that there are seven days a week. I don't know
what we were thinking other than the fact that we
(22:12):
were super high. I just want to say that John
Montgomery meant a lot to all of us, and thank you, um,
thank you everyone here coming from the manufacturing plant, they
just gonna follow me in. UM. I told so much
(22:35):
about him on the way here, and I felt like
I knew him. I know. I just don't think it's
appropriate for all of you to go up one after
the other. Thank you, and for that reason I'll speak.
So I just want to say that, Um. The first
time I heard about John monk Um, John John John
to Montgomery was today, about half hour ago. And what
(22:57):
struck me the most is that there is a cover
band that exists that is doing um beatles songs and
they call themselves the Beads. UM go on. This is
important important, so um, and that's something I never would
(23:17):
have learned if it wasn't for Alice here, who kind
of told us about I didn't. I didn't, I didn't
bring them. I want to say thank you to Alice,
Thank you your family, and thank you to whoever catered
this event. All right, you two numb skulls. What did
you get me on Alice? Oh ship? Was that supposed
to a deadline? How are we ever supposed to open
(23:40):
new Discover accounts if I can't count on you guys
getting background information? Listen, if you want us to send
out some emails, if you're just looking to drum up
the business again, it's been a while, but to get
some background. Well, I was me and Gabe, We're talking,
and I believe he wants to read my thoughts. I
(24:03):
think that's like a core thing in our relationship. He
was talking about that he needs to wear your next
thought right now? Sir? Are you just obsessed with Alice
and this is no longer about Discover currents? Did that
was not listen? I can't believe you think I think that. Yeah. No,
(24:27):
I wasn't reading your thoughts, sir. I was reading let
it go, let it go, let it go, let it
if you don't mind me, and rejecting, uh, let it go.
I don't know if that's that's perfectly good title? Yeah?
(24:48):
Is it? Though? Because what you're saying is sort of dismissive.
And then I don't know sometimes I sweat it crossed
the funk up? Alice? Alice, Um, I know, took alone alone.
I just wanted to say, perhaps maybe there chance that
(25:10):
what the fund is this? I've been Oh my god,
I'm blown up in these discovery card emails? What the
fund is going on? Oh? That's oh my god. Somebody
opened a card to Mike I under my name? Fuck?
What what is it? What do you need? I got
nothing now, I guess I just want to know. Maybe
you want to grab a bite or something. No, how
(25:31):
did you know John? What was your relation to him?
None of your business? I just want to know what
none of you know so much? No, go back with
your friends? Do you mean infacturing building that? I want
to make workers? Okay? I don't care. Okay, I don't
want to be your friend, Alice. I don't know you.
Who this is it? Are you? Alice? All right? Please?
(25:53):
Please get away? Spray? What is that? Which? Actually? I
made my own to home can cad. There's little knives
in there too. Oh and that doesn't make any sense.
Let's see you go spray like spray because the knives
are gonna shoot out. Okay, So you want to protect me?
I want to protect you just don't want to like
some preacher Alice, I'm gonna I'm gonna swing for your head.
(26:17):
I want to see what you're going. What are you doing?
What are you doing? I need to do that. They're
that woman, take some of his bones, take his bones out,
(26:40):
and so we're gonna put all the records out under
the alias the Beads and other they let it go,
which I'm gonna put out on the adele de zime
uh uh. I've also hidden backward masking the names of
everyone in the in the ed went twenty one, who
has a systomic that's brilliant, mate. So it's only like
(27:07):
three people, though, isn't it. It's only like three people
sorty of late, sort of late. It's me Joe, and
you can't forget about me. Connor that a scene too.
Oh seven days a week, everyone's favorite. See three comes
(27:39):
from Peach and v I P. Going by the handle
seem Suggestor number four three one two, who wrote, well,
hello there, legends, I've just joined your patron because I
decided that you deserved my money, well some of it.
You probably deserve more of it, but you're not getting it.
(28:01):
It's my money and crack doesn't by itself. I have
a scene suggestion the first person to ever finish last.
I hope this helps. Goodbye. Oh my god, this is
so freaking long. I'm so tired. Well, why don't we
(28:25):
just take a break. Okay, let's walk, okay o. God,
you know, I thought I thought I could win this race,
but we suck. We're like in the we we lost
the chance of winning this a while ago. Yeah, I
didn't know that a marathon was this long. Well yeah,
that's the first time they're doing it, so there's no
way to know. You guys says in the race. There
(28:50):
are you in this too? No, I'm just giving out
the orange slices. I was packing up. I didn't think
anyone else is still out here. I'll take orange slice.
I am first. I'll take one as well. Please, thank you.
The race is like over, no that it wasn't gonna
end until the last person finished. So and I haven't
(29:10):
finished and she hasn't finished, So one of you is
going to actually be last. Yeah, well there probably is
somebody behind us. We Yeah, well, we have another person
with us that was kind of along with us. So
unless something bad happened to them, where they trip where
it is got eating somebody down the path, so, oh
(29:32):
my god, eating him. I told him not to wear
that stupid paper pants. Yeah they looked stupid too, Yeah,
only I didn't realize it was dangerous because it looked stupid.
You know what, I'm going to pick up the pace
a little bit. I can't wait for you. There's a
(29:54):
lot a little more on the line here. I'm going.
I'm walking. I'm running with you now, but actually I'm
not appreciating it. Don't want to do this solo? Now?
What do you mean? Please? If you could just stand
still so I can handle your paper pants. It's very
difficult because of the fabric. Do you understand shorts? Paper shorts? Please?
(30:16):
You wanted shorts? Yeah, okay, all right, I'll make it
different pins for the shorts and midside. You want to
go canny? Shut it? I swear I will milk you dry.
Do you want the midside shorts or do you want
(30:38):
to go below the knee? I think high, as high
as possible, dress both left and right if that's any
concern of yours. You want short shorts, yeah, well I'll
be running on these, hi toner. How you set up
a bitch that grass shirt you gave me little on
fire and burn my goddamn chest nipples? All right? Whose
(31:00):
follows that? The tailor? Not here? I'm daring. Are you
getting appreciate having in my back? Mr? So? Your nipples
are no more? No more, just a smooth rock for
a chest? Why why I cry? And the loss of
(31:24):
your nipples? Yeah, I'm not gonna cry? All right, Well,
then you just wasted my time. I want my money back.
I'm sure you do. Well, Steve, it feels like we
could probably pack up here. I think that's about wait
wait wait, wait, wait wait wait, well boy, we got
a couple of strugglers coming on. All right, all right,
(31:45):
let's look at their bid numbers. We've got three eight
one and three eight two again. Fidipity is the winner
of the first marathon. Made it all the way from
marathon to Athens and twenty six point two miles, which
is a great length. We'll probably keep that. These folks
are still making their way to the booth, Judie Holder,
(32:05):
let me give you something here here, Okay, thank you
your we're here with the second to last competitor in
this year's marathon. Thank god I crossed second to last.
That was close. Folks, look like your hand is your friend,
(32:27):
a piece of your own ship there? What was the
logic behind that? Well, I just thought that it would
be surprising. Oh what side of my face? Your own
ship's gonna give me pink guy, pink guy from your
own ship. This is a philosophical a sweetheart. Look, that's that.
(32:54):
That's that lady. She's the first one to ever finished last.
She's like the world's first loser. Don't bother her. I mean,
I feel like we should say something to her, should Yeah,
something encouraging, encouraging, Yeah, let's do that. Hi, Hi, Judy's Judy, right, Yeah,
(33:18):
we just want to say we're we know you're the
first person ever finished last. We're fans. I heard, I
heard you called me the first loser over there. Okay,
so don't pretend that you're gonna come over here and
I think that you're going to get on my sweet side.
Do you want any shells? No? No, I mean, if
the shoe fits sort of thing, what would you like
(33:39):
to be called? If not the first losing? Just Judy
just by my name, my friend. My friend tricked me.
The reason I'm in this position is because my best friend.
We saw, we flung his pooh, I mean it was
I can't even believe it was a lie. But Judy,
no one even knows his name. Because the second last
it's not that important, but first last is incredible. Jerry,
(34:02):
that's such a good point. Another wine jug for you, buddy,
I've never seen anybody drink this much. What do you celebrating? No,
I'm not really celebrating. I'm honestly, I'm just sad. I'm
just sad. But thanks for the wife. You gotta pay
for it ain't free. You know who I am? Right,
(34:24):
I am not the loser of the marathon, but I'm
a competitor. Okay, yeah, so don't winners get to get wine? Oh?
You won? Well I didn't lose, that's for sure. What
do you mean? Wait, did you win or not? I
didn't lose, but I lost a friend of the whole
(34:47):
ordeal the Philippites. That's the person that won the first marathon?
Oh my god? Are you sure? Oh? No, that lady?
(35:07):
Holy ship. Look, buddy, I don't know what you want
me to tell you. A guy, I don't know who
the hell you are. I don't know when you placed
second to last, But I had to cheat to get there, honestly,
it was. It's a low point in my life. Your
eyes all fun up. It's the worst case of pink
I ever. I don't even know it might have gone beyond.
(35:28):
I think it's just staph infectionally eyeball. Yeah, you know what.
This jugs on me. This jugs on me. You're gonna
lose that. Thank you, thank you part of me. Your
fidippities is that right? No, that's the winner of the marriage.
Wasn't talking to you? No? Him? What's up your your fipites?
(35:50):
Is that right? Yeah? I just want to say congratulations
on winning the first ever marathon. Thanks. Yeah. And furthermore,
oh boy, have you met Judy? God, I don't know
why you keep dragging me to these places. Hi, my
name is Judy. I lost the marathon that you won. Yeah, Judy, listen.
(36:12):
I just wanted to say, Uh, based on the accolades
that I'm getting, in the attention that you're getting, using
or coming in last, you might be the way to
go in the future. Wow. That means a lot coming
from you. Thank you. I mean, I'm clearly the best
at this, but so what Yeah, and I guess we
(36:35):
didn't really think about. It was a race of three,
you know what I mean. You beat us by six
hours and we kind of straggled in the back. It
was a you know, bet turned wrong in a way
almost like brilliant move. We were thank you. There were four. Actually,
our fourth friend got um eaten by um you might
(36:57):
goat so um um I'm sorry. He was my husband.
Um oh so yeah, it's okay, it's okay. I've been
getting a lot of asks since I lost the race.
Um So, sexually I've recovered, but emotionally I'm still kind
of struggling with it. And that's that's your quote unquote
(37:17):
friend over there, right, the one that hand you do
the piece of ship. Um yeah, yeah, I haven't well,
I haven't seen him since the marathon. I feel like
he tossed it at you more than handed it to you. Well,
he said that, he said to me, he said, hey,
I have something for you, And it was kind of
like a combination of a toss and a a gift giving.
So yeah, well, I guess I'm on the head home.
(37:42):
You brought me here and you're just gonna leave. Dude,
who was who's that guy that's been swallowing around. What
was that? Who's the guy that's been with you? Sorry,
sometimes when you talk it just sounds like all one
word that's drunk together. So it's hard for me to
kind of figure out. I don't um the guy that's
been with me. He's the one who beat me in
the marathon. Everybody beat me. I mean that guy and
(38:05):
I know Steves. I'm talking about the keeps taking your
different pub Oh yeah, he started collecting my shrimp shells
and now he just wants to He wants to kind
of take me everywhere, kind of like I'm a little
freaky shows off to people. Oh so this is like
your dose. This guy's like your patron. He's like giving
you money off. He's like my patron. Yeah, Like he's like,
(38:26):
must be wealthy as ship find all the shows. I
don't know. He hasn't given me. He has doesn't give
them to me. He's collecting myself. We can we can
spin your loss as a way to sell the shells.
I don't know how much market there is for there's
so many more losers. Okay, but he's not he's not
paying for my shells, dud. This could be huge for us,
(38:48):
all right, all right, you're getting too invested. We fucked once. Okay, everybody,
welcome to Loser. Can the only break the ring ringo? No? Yeah, no, yeah,
it's the headliner. He might he is a headliner. Oh,
(39:12):
Connor here? All right, you guys have done your homework.
You've done your homework. Now, statistically there are more losers
and there are winners. Give it up for that stuff. Yeah,
well we have someone here who's opening up for Connor
up a ringo. He's not here. You gotta you gotta
(39:33):
open up. I'm thinking about Judy whatever, whoever was supposed
open they're not here. You gotta open up. I'm not
a loser, it doesn't matter. Just just sell it. Just
sell the loss, Sell the loss. I I'm gonna talk
to you for a second about what it's like to lose.
Wait a minute, this guy doesn't know what it's like.
(39:59):
The shelf is. He's got a bomb full of shells.
But I can appreciate the loser and all us. He's
got a twelve pack of abs. I've never seen that before.
She kill the winner, killed the winner. Well that's done.
(40:30):
Going to the boot, sir, Judy, what I haven't talked
to you? In a long time. Yeah, I know, and
I'm so sorry about your eye to take it out,
and you know it was my fault. I shouldn't have
done that to you, should you? Thank you? Is that?
(40:51):
You know? What is that all you showed up at my? Um? Well,
I just feel bad that I missed Mike's funeral. Oh yeah,
well I should have been there. He was your husband,
you were my friends. Thank you. It wasn't there wasn't
a lot to see it by the time they cleaned him.
Oh my god, stay in bed. I'm sorry. This is
(41:14):
so awkward. I just had this guy I met on
um Grecian Um tinder Um. Yeah. It starts with the
okay x SR out of here, Okay, thank you, excuse you. Sorry.
(41:38):
I've just been kind of going through a thing where
I'm just kind of poking up, you know, getting really
I haven't been able to look up since the I think, yeah,
that makes sense. You look really horrific. Well, the skin
around it got pretty bad too. It's just if it
would have only stayed in the eye, it looks it's
like quite a bit a lot out of there, and
(41:58):
I would Here's the thing I've this is the most
promiscuous and loose. No, no, no, no, I'm so sorry
to say this is the most loose I've been, and
I the fact that I'm not wanting to get sexual
with you right now is showing how disgusting you really
are to me. I'm sorry. I have a low bar,
but this is even beneath that. I'm afraid that if
you come into my home You're going to infect everything.
(42:21):
I'm sorry. I just wanted to say sorry. Thank you.
You said that already. Thank you for saying that well,
because I use your restaurant group. No, I'm so sorry.
I can't stress this enough. I don't feel comfortable with
you in any part of my home. That makes sense.
My friend, my friend, I just saw that the rejection.
It was mutual. It was mutual rejection. I don't think so.
(42:45):
I didn't want to go in there, and she didn't
want me in there. I you only have one of those? Huh,
my friend, wouldn't you like to win? Yeah? What would
you do anything to free? What it's like to Yeah?
(43:06):
Would you give your other eye for it? Huh? Did
you know my others? What I said? You heard me?
Would you give your other eye? Oh? Yeah, I do it?
I do it for a for a solid win. It's
got to be a let me just get it out last. Judy,
(43:37):
Oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, be careful. That's
the same one that can't. Mark. Oh my god, you
look awful. Please, Oh I can't. I'm so sorry. I'm
so I have someone coming over. Sorry, And that's how
(44:02):
the story ends. Oh my goodness, amazing story. Thank you.
What's the moral? The moral is, don't become friendly with
a mean person. No, he completely missed it. I'll start
over again. So can I? Can I get out of here? You?
(44:24):
I mean, I don't want to just yeah, I guess
that's fine. I thought we would have a little I
thought we say bye to each other after I put well,
he's not going to bed, and you make you for
this a third time? I mean, what the moral is?
Who gives a ship? People think there is a moral
(44:46):
in the story. Honestly, I don't think there is. And
I'm sorry to believe that this isn't an actual Greek
story sort of thing. You wrote this? And if I did,
am I not allowed to to? You know? Dude? That? Yes?
So many course? What? Oh? Sorry? Sorry? Interrupted? I realized
it's June fourteen, but I'm still getting around to some
(45:09):
of the people I didn't get six months ago. I understand.
There's a little boy here. Yes, he's in bed. His
name is Alex. All Right, sorry, I had a bad meximel.
That sounds horrible. Yes, I've tried to wash it down
with Martain Doo damn. Um. Well, I've got a I've
(45:37):
got a beads boxed set for a little boy. All right,
anything for us? Or well, well, you're a good boy
this year. Sure, Okay, Well I know that's not true
because I have come give me a gift. You're here, okay,
(45:59):
all right, fine, reaching to the bottom of the bag ship.
It's a piece of my own ship, my my Mexic
melt infected ship. Man, what the I'm starting? I mean,
(46:33):
you know when you hit the pinnacle. I mean, Craig
Akoski is one of improv's best, you know what I mean.
And just just just to know to use your own
Mexy melt ship to shove it in someone's I mean,
that's it's the only place to cut. God, oh my god,
thank you for being here everyone, starting of course with
(46:55):
Ebonizer Cotter. Thank you so very very much. Or a line.
Than You're off to the homeland tomorrow. Is that? Yeah?
Beautiful New Jersey, safe travels, Thank you, godspeed, and hope
it's a healthy and glorious holiday. Oh yeah, it's gonna
be a little wet and wild and probably a little cold.
(47:22):
Chris Alvarado, Oh my gosh, that so much fun. I
have no holiday plans. I mean, mini, I'm not traveling,
sticking sticking around Los Angeles here, gonna chill, chill, chill, chill.
I might, I might stop by then please stop by.
Oh my goodness, perfect, that working perfectly. Christmas morning. I'll
wake you and up. I'll wake you up in bed.
(47:43):
We'll be up. Okay, I mean I can wait. If
I get that before you, I can wake you guys up.
Oh okay, thank you. I mean you can spend the
night before. Oh my god, this is getting better. Can
Craig come? Okay, let's keep going. I'm busy, Greig, get cowsk.
I'm busy. Stand in town for the holidays. The folks
(48:05):
are coming out from Virginia, but they get to stay
with my sisters, so I don't I don't need to
deal with that. And uh yeah, we're going to going
to Palm Springs for a few nights as well, taking
them to Rio's. Yeah, which is a good, good parent restaurant. Yes, uh,
(48:26):
you mean the rails in Los Angeles or they open
one in the Springs. Is the one in Palm Springs? Yeah? No,
I didn't think so. No, no, Hollywood. Yeah. And Johnny
roast Beef is that the guy that does the table
work from Good Fellas. I think he stopped buying the tables.
Johnny Roastbee, Johnny roast Beef. Yeah, the real Johnny Roastby
the actual actor who played Johnny roast Beef in the movie.
(48:47):
I can't wait. Yeah, yeah, enjoy the hell out of that.
Please can't recommend that place enough. James Heeney, thanks for
having me. I am going to Chicago for Christmas and
I can't wait to be there. Well now you're just dragon,
god speed and healthy. Happy to you as well, sir,
Thank you, and to the lovely bride eron. Uh Joey Grimman, Yeah, yeah,
(49:11):
you're of course headed to Florida. Of course I have
to going. I'm going down to the Florida having a
good time. Open up a can sit by it, let
me get up. Huh. Try to get some people who
are messing in that state. I'm going to be has
matted through and through, but I don't have a good time.
(49:31):
It's like eight sor right. Well. God speed and safe
travels and happy healthy to all of you. Let's thank
our wonderful producer and uh I guess engineer to the stars,
Mr Doug Baane. My folks that I aren't media. Please
(49:53):
be kind to each other and stay safe, be happy,
be healthy, and thank you for joining us. As always,
write a review if it wouldn't kill you. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollic. Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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