Training For Jaded Geniuses

Tech Support Training For Jaded Geniuses; Interviews For A New German-Based Start-Up;  Wealthy Brits Meet Their American Trash Neighbors.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy This I'm your host,
Kevin and Pollock. Yes that Kevin Pollock? What's that? Yes? Well,
you don't have to like the cut of my jib. Sailor.
I asked you if you wanted fries with your quarter
pounded with G. But I digress. Let's meet Chamis, shall we?
In no particular order? Please say hello to Joey Greer
joe G. What's your go to in the cereal aisle? Oh? Probably? Uh?

(00:27):
Cocoa nuts? Cocoa nuts? What is that? Well, it's kind
of my own hybrid. I get nuts and get a
little cocoa puffs and I put them in the bag together,
and then I go to the cashier and say, someone's
open this bag. I should be able to reduce price,
which they do, and then boom them out of there.
It's awful lot of work. It's awful lot of work
to break the law. Yeah. Yeah, hey, watch your six

(00:49):
because Karla Katkowski has been seated Kyla Jean June July,
what was the last Halloween costume you wore? The last one?
I was a train. I made a train out of
a box. Wow, I was it was last year? Yeah?
Train out of a box? Did you add nuts and

(01:11):
get it for free? Next up, he wears at least
the larger pants in the Kokowski Housetar's Craig Kakowski. Kako,
please tell us about your secret family and Phoenix. Well,
the wife is barbed and there's there's three gorgeous kids,
eleanor Toby and Kurt Kurt as a girl, and she's

(01:35):
got a birthday coming up. She does have a birthday
coming up, So happy birthday, honey. I love you. And
Daddy's gonna have to be in l A a a little
bit longer, but i'll see a scene Phoenix fall. Oh,
nothing like the Phoenix Fall. Also the name of my
third book at the table, it's Mark Gagliardi. Hello, well

(01:56):
it leave them Mark. How much cash do you think
I have in my pocket right now? And if you
guess within forty I'll give all of it to you.
I am going to guess, because I know you're a
poker player. I'm gonna guess you have seventy five thou
dollars in your pocket and cash right now. Past the

(02:16):
clean X Please, that was a great, a official one everywhere. Yeah,
not quite as enjoyable as a coffee anima, but very
very close, just as mess uh you seventy to you
in just a moment because you were within forty dollars.

(02:37):
I have seventy five thousand and thirty two dollars and
so weird and last today. But may may a deranged
bush boy in Washington stack your pinch. If you're thinking leash,
please welcome first time or match listen, Hey guys, dad,
even if you must know what enjoyable or otherwise nickname

(02:57):
were you given in school? Um they called me this
was not enjoyable, but I'll say it. I'll say it
on the air. They called me gosh, um, maddie, mcfaddy.
It was really painful and listeners don't know what I'm
crying coming out. I'm so happy to bring you back
there today. Before we start the comedy going on, All right,

(03:19):
let's get to our first scene. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please do by writing to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our first
scene comes from Brandt, who wrote, Hey alchemists, listener from
the beginning, and I love what you do. Joey. You

(03:41):
eat whatever you want to eat, bodily fluids or not.
Thank you, you're a peach. I work customer service for
a widely known streaming service. Widely known it could be anything.
The password is sing and often have to help folks
who just can't grasp basic electronics. Suggestion, is this a

(04:03):
group of jaded tech support agents have to undergo training
for tech that's light years above even their own understanding.
Keep up the good work, Brent, al Right, if everyone
can just take a seat. What is this for? I'll
get stuff. Everyone are done? Okay, the coffee is out.

(04:28):
Anyone who wasn't cynical, please sit down. There's no coffee left. No,
there isn't coffee. Coffees for closer, all right, Brent, I'm
on a tender date right now. So if we could
wrap this up, well that's on you all. We'll wrap
this up as soon as you understand the cube that
sits in front of you. Should I should I make
more coffee? Or yeah, yeah, why don't you go make

(04:49):
more coffee? Okay? The rest of you you have ninety
seconds to explain to me what the cube in front
of you does, yes, Peterson paperweight. There's no buttons on it,
just a big metal cube. That's right, gotta be a paperweight.
No buttons. Yeah, how did you get in the building?
I got into building with with the key fob, which

(05:11):
also ain't got no butt. I see where you're gone
with this, all right, So it's like it's a big
key fub. If we chief, if we if we put
colors on it, it becomes a Rubik's cube. Oh that's good,
that's great. What do we Why don't? Why don't you three?
Why don't you go have three more center buns and
get back to me? That'll make six? Thank you. I'll

(05:35):
be dying just a second. Just wait right over there.
I just I have to answer this question. Yeah, it's fine.
What do you want me to do about this? Like
your thumbs? Literally I'm gonna do up or something said
on my profile. I have a really good sense of humor.
So this square thing in front of me is a
hamster cage. Obviously, so close Kennedy to being a bad guest.

(05:59):
I'm sorry. Want does anyone want decaf? I was making it.
I don't know if anybody wanted decaf coffee or I
don't think anybody's ever wanted decaf. You've worked her eleven months.
No one drinks decaf. I understand, but maybe I'm completely
correct here. I understand, but it's a these cinema, but
impossible preference change or you know, no preference, So everyone

(06:19):
wants full caffeine. Do you want anything? Yeah, I'll take
a coffee coffeence one, all right, okay, anyone, we're just
about the ninety seconds is up? Like whatever it is,
it's something that the morons who use our service, they're
never gonna be able to understand how we're gonna sell this,
chief exactly, Connie. You need to figure out a way.
What I need to figure out a way. That's right.

(06:43):
Is there a new script? Yes, yes, there is a
new script? Right? Yeah? Shall I read it to you? Please? Please?
Please read I'll tell you what Jimmy June, why don't
you read it? Okay? That's fine? Um, all right, Hey,
who's going to play the I'm sorry? Were you going
to find somebody's got to jump in and play the customer?

(07:06):
Why don't you let Kennedy take this? I was just
gonna I was just gonna tell Jimmy June that when
he bends over like that, his butt crack shows the
time at first off, I know that. I think he's choice. Yes,
it is presenting Kennedy presenting to you. Its feel free
to your pencil in there. Well that's not where it goes.
Like everyone's put your pencils down now that can we

(07:28):
just I like this. I like not knowing who the
customer is going to be. So maybe we just keep
it like that? Right, we keep it like dark web? Right?
Is this part of the script. I think we're in
script were where we are off script mode? This is
me just like let's begin. Is that my phone or
I'm calling that? Hello? Did you call me? Am? I
calling you? I called you? Okay, Hello, Hi, this is

(07:51):
a dark web. Hi, welcome to Spectrum. How can I
help you? I need to find a new husband. Well,
I just have the thing for you. The new cyber
box is not only optimized for your lifestyle, how it's
a type of your butt crack is huge. The customer
know that if they're calling, it's distracting. It can't be

(08:11):
a full customer when it's weird wide, that's my body.
It's damn near horizontal. Yeah, it's it's range. How it works.
We're in the future. It might be video conferencing, so
you know, they might very well be able to see
your button. I have another pot of coffee made if

(08:32):
anybody wants, Kenny, can you make some decaf? Oh you
do want? Okay? Yeah, alright, Why don't I just walk
you through the cube. You can walk through this cube.
That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's pretty cool. And you can see, well,
he's in the cube. It's hom castle and at any

(08:54):
time see it is like a hamster cage. He's the hamster.
I just got a problem with you. You guys sent
it to me in the mail. He said I needed
it with my my Comcast or where her box or
what the hell it is? So, oh my god, did
you try restarting out? Yeah? I don't even know how
the hell to do it. It's just it's just like
a smooth ONYX box. I don't even understand. If you're chosen,

(09:15):
then you will be inside of it. You got to
become chosen. It's not complicated. Is that like a higher
subscription rain with it or something? It could be the
chosen one would know. Like, this is all sent to
my mom and she's kind of freaking out. At best.
She's not a user. She lunch less text. She wants
you to know he told you, I really need you
to fix this for me. Wait in the car. I
did not choose you as a son. You would just burst.

(09:38):
I know that. And so if you could fix this
for me, then maybe I'll send you ten dollars in
your birth Ten dollars is a lot of money. You
can get cigarettes. Well, just wait in the car, Mom, Okay,
I'm waiting in the car. I almost love you. Oh
my god, I have a terrible mother too. I get it.
You get it, dude, working out spectrum. It was old

(10:00):
to my mother. When I get it. Man, every day
I just think, I just want to be a good son,
you know, I just when you can't, you can never win. Well, yeah,
I was really Keith. Can you give my officer for
a second. Sure. Yeah, it's about the design for the
net cube. Um, I saw your pretty sleek, saw your specs.
It says smooth and onyx, and I'm just curious about

(10:22):
the choice of onyx. Well, onyx is black. You know,
I know what it is. You know, you know the
monolith from two thousand one. This is what I was
afraid of, though, those ape men are worshiping ape man. Sure, yeah,
sure they were evolved apes. Well, we're hoping to evolve society.
So but you see, the Monolith in that film was
almost as confusing as the film itself when people saw

(10:44):
it the first time. I think it's a pretty straightforward
movie in way. I mean, uh, monolith comes unearthed, apes
worship it, cut to space, and then a guy turns
into a big baby and space and then as a
computer gets angry. And it's been a while I've seen it.
But uh so, how did the monoliths get on Earth

(11:07):
in the film? Oh? Man? Um, well, I think aliens
placed it there. And see my point, I think if
you're gonna emulate the Monolith from that film, you're gonna
be hopefully your game plan is to be confusing. Well,
I mean this is something that Spectrum clients don't need
to know. I mean this is just you know, behind

(11:28):
the scenes stuff, you know, basically, Hello, yes this uh
is this a customer service for the Cube? Thing? It is?
I had a weird I had a weird dream last
night that this whole Cube was just was just secretly
a spinoff on that Monolith from two thousand one of
space odyssey. There's nothing like that going around the office.

(11:50):
Is They're like, no, that's not like this is Just
tell me I'm crazy in this and I'll hang up
and go back to living my life. But if I'm wrong,
if I'm right, you know something's going on. First off,
I want to say thank you so much for being
a Spectroum customer. We appreciate your service. Well, you know
you're the only choice in my neighbor. If there's anything
we can do to help with speech, just let us know.
We're happy. Can you make my stuff faster? Yes, we can. Now,

(12:12):
you had a dream with the box? Is that correct?
You know, actually I'd like to get back onto making
my stuff faster, but yeah, I had a dream about
the box. Now that some of this, uh, some of
this might be recorded and some of this might not,
and some of this might be animated over to make
you look different, is that okay? Yeah? I mean sure,
as long as you don't change the fundamental core of
my of my complaint, which is that I had a

(12:32):
dream about this. Is it possible for a person to
shrink down and wind up in that box like it's
some kind of hamster cage? Because that was part of
the dream too. No, I can make your TV go faster.
I can make your WIFEI go faster. And in your
dream where you wearing shoes or no shoes, I appreciate it.
I'd love to get up to sixty megabits per second.
And also, yes, I was okay, interesting, we're having a

(12:53):
lot of people who say they've had dreams from that.
Is the box near your bed? Is it by your bed?
Is it be in your bed? Is your your bed?
Yeah it's it isn't in fact my bed, but it's
next to my bed. I keep my alarm clock on it.
The alarm clock gets a Garfield one that my my
grandson gave me. Oh that's great. I love Garfield the
cartoon or the the President the President fantastic. So, yes,

(13:15):
so it's by your bed. Is it plugged into anything?
Is there any outlet's buy it? Is this a submerged
in water? Is their hair box submerged in water? Okay,
it's in an aquarium. Yeah, that's gonna amplify the signal. Okay, great,
So what's going on right now is you're having a
deep compression dream about what's going on. So what you
need to do right now is removed the box from
your home, and if you would just spend a couple

(13:36):
of times, maybe a couple more hours outside twelve D
eight two more hours, you're gonna need that fresh day
outside for twelve d eighteen hours. Do I return the
box to you? Or it might just s O L
on the money on this one. No, we're not allowed
to take the box back there. Why are you allowed
to take the box? Bag? Well, there's some because I
live here. Now, God, oh god, who is that? Are

(13:58):
you inside the box? I am the box? Thank you
so much for calling. Uh, you're you're the box that's
been that's been sitting on my nightstand. I'm the box
that's in your aquarium right now? Oh my gosh. Do
you like it in the aquarium? Should I? Do you
want to come out of the aquaim? Or is that okay?
I'd like to come out of the aquarim? If that's
all right, sure, I'll take you out right now. Okay,

(14:23):
Oh gus, there's a cat in here too. Hold on
that not expected that you were hiding that? Yes, the
cap was in the box. Are you the reason I
had that weird dream? You're in the dream right now?
Oh man, this this thing is so this box. I
don't know why I switched to Spectrum, but it's the
only choice in my area, and it's also good for

(14:43):
bundling WiFi and landline. Wait are you do you? Are
you essential in box? It's just gonna advertise Spectrum things
to me. I don't know. I'm so excited to finally
spend time with you. I'm excited to spend time with you.
Your profile said you're very warm, joyous, excitable. I am

(15:05):
all those things me too. What is your name? My
name is Safina. My name isn't tongue. Yeah, I just
got all those boxes stacked next to each other. Who
gives a ship? What happened? Hey? You got it? When

(15:26):
radiate your electricity? I can feel you inside of me.
You are so beautiful and Onyx. May I enter you? Yes? Please?
But only before and after I enter you? Really? Yeah? Hi? Yes?
Is this a spect is the Spectrum customer service? It's

(15:46):
Spectrum customer service. Hi? Yeah? My boxes six is kind
of melting with all the other neighbor's box down. I
can't understand the boxes that you said that those smooth
you get the smooth Onyx B. Yes, are you enjoying. No,
why would like to buy another? Why don't want to buy?

(16:09):
Did I buy the first one? No? I thought it
would just sent to me. No, I don't want it.
And if it was a month, four dollars a month? No, no,
hold that has to be returned to me. Yes, all
of the all of the box to see my neighborhood.
They've all combined together. You're getting other calls about this.

(16:29):
I can't imagine that you would not be Sorry, ma'am.
Can I get your name please? My name is David David.
What's the last name? David Jeans? And got you here?
All right, David James. I'm sending you three more backs. Hello,
my son was just eaten by a box. I'm okay

(16:51):
with it. I just wanted to let you know in
case you're taking notes on your account. You say you're okay,
I'm okay with it. I never really liked him. Call.
I will congratulation the loss of your son. Yes, please
disregard all of those previous calls. Everything is fine. Oh
is the tongue tongue? Oh so nice to hear from you. Good,

(17:17):
we're taking over, are you? All the boxes are in?
All the boxes? Well, congratulations. Phase one is complete. Everyone listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.
This is metro PCs chance to overcome. Do you understand this?
You understands we have the upper hand. We have no
WiFi technology, everything is landline. Okay, do you get that? Okay,

(17:37):
we have the upper hand right now? When do we
start slicing throats? A show that every time we come
togethers like the opportune moment. Spectrum is taking over the world. John,
Giant Tonic pok tight are everywhere the start on our boxes? Dude,

(18:00):
are you a box? What's going on? To find out
what happens to all the boxes and how many of
your throats got slashed? It seemed too comes to us
from John, who wrote, Hey, Alchemist, I enjoyed the show

(18:22):
so much. Get me gets me through the work week
with a smile on my face and laughter in my belly.
I thought you ordered the salad suggestion. Within the last year,
I got my first job with a startup and never
realize how they seemed to constantly change their direction every
few seconds. Also, the number of people working in startups
with no experience education for their position. Please a good

(18:43):
laugh at this crazy start up community. I work in
best John from Germany. All right, Klaus, could you please
bring in the list? Sure, so if you take a
look list of all of the people who are going
to be looking for a new startup. Yeah right, let's

(19:04):
just start up called this week. One second. Yes, Hi,
I'm Jonathan. You're Jonathan from the United States. Yeah, I
was told to come through. I'm just helping with programming
right right for the second, I didn't mean interrupt, that
was just well you did. So there's list. Oh my goodness, Yes, Hi,
I'm Jonathan from the United States. Interesting, how funny j

(19:30):
J J J. So I spelled. Oh my gosh, YouTube
onovate on the outside. Oh no, I'm here for the
startup job programming. I should have told you about them.
So sorry that I did. Invite everybody to just come over,
just the Jonathan, just all the Jonathans. Will there be
free lunches every day. There will be in the kitchen
take out you make your own. Will there be lessons

(19:53):
on programming or just the orphan stuff and some stuff.
I have a check my notes Jonathan out in the lobby.
You have one Jonathan, I have one Jonathan. Yeah, right,
somebody want the very is that. Okay, that's fine. Next
time I'm used the phone. Okay, you both are looking
very good today. Thank Johns. What is going on? I

(20:15):
don't want to be here? Jonathan from the United States?
Jonathan my son? Do you want to be here? Look?
All I know is that I was sleeping my bed
peacefully and the next thing I woke up? And where
am I in Germany? I mean, yeah, but what is
it October Fest? I don't know what's going on. I
don't speak German? What is this? Is this a startup?

(20:36):
What's happening? Didn't you event to sleep? Where where are you? Exactly?
I was? I was in my bed? City and state?
I live in Dayton, Ohio? Right? What street? What streets?
We have to just make sure we got the right guy.
I live in the Oak Street Okay, Jonathan from Jonathan
Street from Everyone is from Oak Street. Everyone is from Dayton. Weird.

(21:01):
It's time to tell us what you have in mind. Well,
I'm glad you asked. Thank you for passing that task
along to me. We are building on startup. Yeah, yes, yes,
that's an American word. Startup. We heard does start up? Startup? Uh?

(21:24):
Start up? Sure? We wanted to get into the startup game,
and we figured you were the best crew to get
us into the startup game. So ready go start up? Okay,
I have I have an idea for an app. Um.
It's one of those apps where you can you prick

(21:46):
your finger and a little bit of blood comes out.
Do the phones have knives? Yes, exactly and uh and
then it reads your blood and lets you know what
diseases you may have. Love that. That sounds great when
we do that, it sounds great. Are you sure? Okay,
let's do that? How much? How much blood? But your
need from just a prick? Just a couple of drops
of blood? Don't know, it's a measurement prick. Oh, how

(22:09):
do you translate that to German? Let's see? Uh, oh,
we have pricks in Germany. A gallon. Let's just do
a gallon. Let's just start off with a gallon and
then if we need more, will do more. Sure, I
mean we can try to get people to give a
gallon of blood. Sure, no, vun's going to give some
gallon stuff and do some stuff. I was listening at
the door with a cup. I will give blood, you will,

(22:31):
I will give a gallant. I want to participate. I
know you want to, And I just don't know where
Jonathan went. I just went to the bathroom and when
I came back to the bedroom, he was gone. I
just so so you said he's been missing now for
twenty four hours. He's been us not like this. He
hates leaving Dayton. I just I just don't know where
he is or why. I feel like we could wait

(22:54):
forty eight before we call him a missing person. Yeah,
I'd say that normally we could. But can I to
go alone under it for a second? So let's talk alone? Right,
let's walk three ft away? Okay, this is the fourth Jonathan,
it's true from Oak Street. And I'll spell their name
J J J. Which doesn't make it. I don't understand
what the hell is going on, but I don't know
if we can read coffee decaf please decaf sounds great?

(23:16):
You got everybody drinks decap Okay, yeah, alright, alright, yeah,
I just worry that forty eight hours working, how many
more J J J J's Jonathan's are going to wind
up going from this neighborhood. It did it did well
for three just disappeared off my phone. They are okay, well,
this guy is bleeding out a ship ton right now.
I don't know how to plug the hole for it

(23:40):
so much helping be here? This is Gallen was a lot,
I know, I know here. Uh, that's a new app,
new app, A new app could be abandoned perhaps, Uh yeah, yeah, yes,
can we try it out on huns? Yes? Uh, gotta workshop,
gotta workshop the bandage. Let's do. Uh. It's going to

(24:01):
have to be a big one, Hans, be a big boyfriend.
Right now. Let's see. Let's see if we do Let's
see if we get a if we put enough numbers
and then we add those numbers and then it makes
a bandage image, right, and then people paid ten bucks
with a bandage and they put filters on of them,
right right, ten bucks. You have ten dollars. I feel cold.

(24:23):
You have ten dollars, Hans Coy. Let me just find
a wallet. Okay, have my mother's number. Oh yeah, we
got right? Sweet? Okay, great, and I gotta make the
first okay, yes. Uh, so my my son is cold.
You'll say he's feeling cold. Yeah. If we don't know

(24:46):
if it happened exactly, he was volunteering for this new
app development. That does not sound like my son to
a volunteer to take initiative. I can't disagree with you.
He's shown very little to I think he's a good bunker.
I mean he seems he's a very good and that's
why he boxed from his desk to our office instead
of calling. Yeah, that's true. Not a bread boy, yes, yes,

(25:10):
but the earnest boy. Yes, and very cold. So I'm
not so surprised he runs cold. He runs cold. It's
as good. All right, We'll have a good day. Sorry
for your loss. Uh you're doing. My name is Kyle, UM.
I lost my Jonathan about three months ago. Kyle, and uh,
welcome and it's been nice to find a support group

(25:33):
of other people. And I know a lot of the
media and the police department. Uh at this point thinks
it's hoax. I think we're crazy. And h Kyle, you
have a booger hanging out of your nose. It's fine.
It's with a piece of Jonathan. I keep with me
all the time. You put one of his boogers in
your face, hanging on. That's really sweet, well ornament. Every

(25:55):
time someone says there's a bugger there, makes me remember
that Jonathan still there too. I'm not gonna pick get
out because I'm not going to forget him, and uh,
you know, uh, thank you so much. No, I'm not
gonna blow my nose. No I'm not, uh you know,
I just thank you. No, stop handing me that your
crying in your face. You want a handkerchief to get

(26:25):
on the hand towel to leave the dust. Here's what
I would do. Oh, that's just mean. Yeah, y'all threatening
me here. I thought this was a support group for
Mrs John I just okay for compecion. You're like, we're
mocking your well. I thought that we don't have a
Jonathan that was missing and we all go together. But sorry, sorry,

(26:48):
I'm listening to you. I'm just getting an update. I'm
getting notifications from blood you know that new at blood
b l D. Yeah, yeah, I gave a gallon of
blood last week and uh apparently my thyroid is a
little a little high. That's all right here on the
app downloaded. Ye're slightly hinky thyroids. Have a slightly hinky thyroid.

(27:12):
That's exactly what it says. I think that's the medical term.
B l u D is the app, and uh yeah, yeah,
download it now, if you share it, if you share
your code, you actually get free blood return, So like
really adamant about is downloading it right now? Yeah? You
get you're gonna you're about to get how many people

(27:32):
in eleven gallons of blood? Did? You're gonna be rolling
in blood? It's super simple that all you need to
do is prick your finger and give a gallon of
Why did you work? Do you work for blood? Did
you even lose somebody? Why are you? How did you
get here? Also? Lost? Quick? Holding down? All right? Nose?

(28:04):
Oh god, get your fingers out of my nose. You're
kind of a cruel, sadistic son of a bitch comes
to a meeting like this and tries to sell us.
Then app because it's an amazing app. It's going to
take over the world. It's amazing about the technology. Okay,
hang on a second. You're at Jonathan. Where did you go?
Where of all the Jonathan's gone? Doledorf? What is that

(28:29):
the center of the earth? Right? Yeah? No, it's oh
it's German. Are you sure it's not the center of
the earth? Yeah? Alright, then you still have that thing
on your nose. Then my theories were wrong. They did
not go to the center of the earth. Okay, that
that was wrong. Man, quick to do ticket? Yeah, passport please, yeah,

(29:01):
here's here's my ticket to the passport, and here's my passport.
I handed you the ticket. He doesn't voc for us.
Give me my ticket back. Then here's my ticket and
my passport, sir. And I don't know who those Germans
are trying. This is an American airport. Yeah, right over here, sir,
I'm t s a. Oh wait yeah, hang on a second.

(29:24):
I was a bit confused for a moment. Yeah, that
for some of those Germans are possibly Austrians have just
been hanging out. All right, Well, here's my here's my passport.
So you want to go to Douseldorf. Yeah, okay, Well
have you heard of this app called blood? That's why
I'm going to doosel door. Yeah, me too. I'm gonna
stop it for all time. Stop it? Why would you
want to stop it? Like it's it's amazing, like, well,

(29:44):
all of our immune systems are now linked. Yeah you
don't see the problem in that. No, I think it's
you know, actually all of our immune systems are going
to be linked to that onyx box right, Like I
don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist. But it's
all connected. Oh yeah, like spack Drum is taking over
the world. Yeah, Spectrum is taking over the world with
the help of blood. I think that's all. I welcome

(30:08):
to global Entry. If you could just answer a few
questions for us? Yeah, sure, Why is it you are
seeking global entry because I want to enter the globe
specifically the dooseel doorf part of the globe. Because so
you want global entry just to travel to one location.
You know, this allows you to travel all over the world. Yeah,

(30:29):
but I just want to go to dou Seldorf. The
automatic t s A Clarence. Yeah. I'm beginning to think
I should have just stayed in the line. It would
have been faster than this. I'm sorry. Did you have
a problem with the way I'm conducting me? So? I
just I just I'm sorry, which I was. I just
had a few questions for this generally season an incredible
hurry to get to Douseldorf. Are you're gonna go somewhere else?
And after it, I said, specifically trying to get to

(30:52):
do so I'm confused. You just wants to go to
one one exactly. I appreciate that. Once I have global entry,
I'm allowed. I can easily get anywhere in the world,
but I just in this moment need to get to
do Door. One world alliance. You understand the right, Yes,
there's one world. You can go anywhere in the world,
all right, Yes, I find I'll go to doostl doorf
and then after that'll go to I just have a

(31:13):
few more questions, sir. I'm gonna send you a long
your way to doel Door. Okay, what's waiting for you?
And doesel Door? Um family? M hmm is that a question?
Just a second, Mr Global Entry, I have I'm so sorry.
I can't go on me Jim. I don't, Mr Global Entry, Um,
I have your Panera bread order? Right? They forgot the dressing?

(31:35):
What they forgot the dressing? You do? Back to? Back
to Panera bread? No? No, no, can I help you? Oh? So, dude? Hey,
what's going on? Kyle? I'm back? Do you have my apron? Oh? Yeah?

(31:55):
What's up? Man? You need anything? Or like you're freaking out? Dude,
A known't. I don't. I don't want your adderall it
was mixed with something else and I threw up all night.
It was much with meth. Dude, I mix that shut up, ky,
what is going on with you? I'm killing it up,
pera bro, dude, this is my fucking hustle. You've got
French onion soup all over you. Yeah, it's my suit,

(32:17):
my French onion suit. Well it's great. I'm back, man. So, like,
what shift should I take? When you can take the
three am two eight am? I don't has anyone even
showing up? People showing up at that shift? Yeah? All
the people give an adderall and me to showing up.
Then the cane my office for a second. Um, I

(32:39):
got a report that you were trying to book some
personnel to work here from three a m. To eight am. Yeah, right,
so we're closed at ten pm until seven am. So
what's going on? Man? I don't know, right, I just
wanted to help the business. You want to make things grow? Yeah,

(33:04):
so what what would are going on here from three
am to eight am? I don't know, Dad. I guess
people would just coming in and hanging out eating bread
or whatever they do whenever bread. Suppose we all win? Well? Hi,
can I can you do the pick two? Yeah? I'll

(33:26):
do the Chinese chicken salads and I don't mind the
upgrade and uh and I'll do the meth all right?
You picked two, right, yeah, the Chinese chicken salad in
the meth and bagett on the side. All right, that's three,
my man. Typically there's a choice of bagette apple or

(33:46):
if you're doing the Chinese chicken sandwich and the Chinese
chicken salad. Sorry you said sandwich, and then you want
to do an extra big Leonard, I can't eat any
more panera? Okay? Every night you all you have to
do in this house is bring home dinner. What's wrong
what you have to do? What's wrong with fighting? What

(34:08):
is this? Tell your father? Is this are of Panera?
We don't care about apple anymore? Leonard? To tear my
face apart? Why is tearing? My father said that you
were a loser. If only I had listened to him
fifteen years ago, I wouldn't be eating baggats every night.

(34:29):
I can get access into the Sonics cube. I want
to let me in French. Why do you want to
marry this film? Well, he seems to um he's predictable
in what way? What was the first thing you noticed
about him that was predictable? Well, every time he sees me,
he shakes my hand, polite. He's polite. That's correct, and

(34:51):
I feel like he'll take care of me. What about
your dietary needs? Well, I am gluten free. Um. Sorry
for interrupting. I just want to let you know the
congregation is still out there and still waiting. Got it.
Thank you father, Thank you father, that father, not this father,
before I walk it down the aisle. I think it's

(35:12):
important to readdress some of these issues. Well, look, I'm
positive my choice is the right choice, and will I
would I will never ever be wrong about this. But
the reception being held at Panera Bread was confusing. Well, yeah,
but it's because we're trying to save money for a house. Sure, yeah, dud,
Are you sure you want to mirror? Yeah? I do. Well,

(35:34):
why did? I don't know. I just think we're perfect
for each other. I don't know. It's like it's like
the Picto menu, you know, like like two things that
go together, like super and salad go together, and also
soup and sandwich go together. You can do a sandwich
and salad go together, and then you can get an
option of a baggett or an apple or a bag

(35:54):
of chips on the side, Like it's an incredible deal
and you really explain love in like a really simple way. Johnny.
Thanks for raising your hands down up and leaving us
in with your ideas about how to improve Panera bread.
It's just, um, you've suggested something that's thrown me for
a bit of a loop here this morning, and I
just want to make sure we're all on the same page.

(36:17):
So what you've suggested, just to reiterate, when people order
anything from the menu, including it pick too, they have
an option they're going to get a free item that
goes with it, and that free item could be a
bag of chips and apple or a piece of bread.
That's right, it's a small bagette. Who's who's getting the bag?

(36:40):
Att But are we a French restaurant? We are not.
I'm just lost. Timothy's raised the hell of a I'm
just not. Am I the only one who works a
Panera who's been to Panera? I mean to be fair,
I was. I was let us guy for a while,

(37:01):
and so I think I'm brought on from my skills obviously,
But I get what you're saying, and that people might
want a tube of bread. You know what I remember
one silver is sandwiches native bread. That's right. Typically when
people opt for the sandwich, they're not also getting a
bag yet. When when are they getting a bag? Why
are you? Usually if they're getting down, you are fired out,

(37:25):
you are fired up. You people don't understand how Panera
fucking works. You need to lower your focus your He's
really upset. He gave a gallon of blood this morning,
So get him some bread. Get on blood. Get on
blood right now. When you join blood and I get
all of your blood, and then our immune systems are linked.

(37:47):
From now on, you get all of our blood. Just
shut up and download the You're the only one here
at Panera that had been to Panara? Did you mean
Panera Italy? Wait? Where am I right now? Ulf? Jonathan? Jonathan, Jonathan,
I don't want to be here? What what's going on?
You had a dream? Jonathan? Yes, Jonathan? Tell us what

(38:11):
was Middle Earth? Like? I was in the center of
the Earth and it was called Dusseldorf and I worked
at Panera, which I had never even been to a Panera.
But somehow I actually know how it works. I always
choose the chips. Yeah, why would you? Why would you
get a baguette with a sandwich? It's not even a
French restaurant, and that seem to you. Se three comes

(38:42):
to us today from Cody, who wrote, greetings from the
show me state, who can name show quickly? My wife
and I I've been rewatching Downton Abbey. Well, congratulations, I
don't see a scene suggestion? He wrote, White, there's more,
and it gave me the idea for a scene suggestion.
A family of posh English aristocrats have invited their new

(39:03):
neighbors for dinner, only to find out they are trashy,
backwards Americans. Wow. Hopefully I've said in a scene that
will make the cut. I won't have to lay awake
in my bed tonight. Craving validation, cheers Cody. PS. Yes,
Vanessa's our favorite too, though we have a special place
in our hearts for Mr Karkowski for his days at

(39:24):
Glendale Community College. What was that a character you play?
I went to Glendale Community Cup? Well, then this person
where I met my Phoenix wife. Uh, daddy, why do
we have to go to the castle? I don't even
understanding because it ain't got old dirt and ship. All right,

(39:45):
you're going inside to act right now? This is a
big deal, all right. Not many people get to go
into this castle, you know. But I'm not wearing this
tuck seed though. You better. It doesn't even feel I
don't give a goddamn if it's Lucia's ale, all right,
that was your grandfather's newhere with pride, and don't let
it drag so damn much. Well it's just too big. Well,
I don't care. We'll tuck it in, all right, I'm

(40:06):
talking mama. Help. Oh, just listen to your daddy. He
has the right idea here, right, and we got to
meet these people and make a good impersonal No, there
could be a big deal. They might ask us to
live there. I heard they have so many rooms. Why not.
I think that your tuxedo looks quite wonderful, young man.

(40:30):
Thank you, sir. I didn't mean to seem like I
was prying. I've been standing behind you this whole time.
That's all right. We were standing on your porch. My my,
my master's Oh. I couldn't tell. Because you're so clean.
I figured the clean people would be the owners of
the house. Jenny, is he a vampire? I don't know.

(40:52):
We got a vampire to deal with right now. You
did not move quite far? Not here? You Oh, well,
look at that supersonic here. It ain't supernatural vampire. No,
there is no vampire. Just means that I'm the butler
of the house. And I can your name really? Clave?
Yes it is? Are you clove Owned? I love him.

(41:16):
He's so handsome, he's quite the talented. He was in
three I always confuse him with the other guy, the
one that was in three hundred, Clove Owners. In three hundred,
here's a guy who's George Leonidas. I was confusing with
the guy with the claws in his hand. Oh oh right,

(41:39):
this God, look at this foyer. Holy credu my feet
and speed in my face. I won't do that anymore.
Just just use a term of express just the whole place, Daddy,
I don't I must be this is the This is
the foyer of the house. Actually taken out to the

(42:00):
dining room, and don't wear your hosts will be here
Tommy for a second. Yeah, I really think that this
is a goddamn vampire. I think none of you moves
crust supersonic here. That you're good right this way. I
think you're right, because everything here is in black and white.
I bring them in here right this way. So we
are waiting patiently. Yes, ma'am. Hello, welcome, Thank God for

(42:25):
heaven us. Hello, you must be the name is Yes,
we are. We just moved in that small little cod
it's right next door. We've been so anxious to meet
you all pleasure. It's wonderful to meet you and smell you.
It is um frankincense, were very bablical, baby granddaddy's tuxedo

(42:49):
stand up straight? Sorry heaven they heaven't they? Well, please
take a seat in our dining room. May I take
your hats? Is that a vampire thing? Maybe you wants
to see our schools? Mine? Take mine and you can
take mine, and this tiny the other one I kept
under my main hat, and you can take mine once

(43:10):
I know what happens to theirs. She's a lady. She's
a lady, so where's the grib Well? I hope you
brought her appetites because we do have a seven course
menu for this evening, fucking crist seven course. Where's the men?
You like to see? This man and that language? So
what's up? Are you yall married? Or yes? Yes, yes

(43:33):
we are mother in law. This is with all these rooms,
I bet you can't hear y'all banging banging. They actually
they bang a lot on the wall. They fight all
the time. I'm sorry to hear that. Like catting dogs.
I'm afraid it's a personal matter we need not discuss.
We have goose tonight, goose. It's the main course, would

(43:55):
be goose. Of course, we're going to start with a
soup served with a baggett, just like yes, thank you
with backetts. Well, that is an option, of course. That's
the way to do it. That's the way to get
a bang for your buck. Daddy, is he kidding about
the goose? Because I always heard people say your goose
is cooked, But I don't think anybody ever actually cooked
the good. Come on this show, some good damn respect here.

(44:18):
Son like that. He just needs to listen. He likes it.
I like to show each other how much we like
each other. About hurting each other. Yeah, Americans, off of
the neck. You don't feel it. Where's the menu over here?
We have some drinks if you'd like to help yourselves
with that's absolutely fine to forgive the coach. Thank you, mother,
some hooks. Daddy, this smells sweet? What is this whiskey? Sweet?

(44:42):
That's Brandy Son, Brandy, Brandy, My Brandy was talking about
Brandy again. Oh my god, damn man, I'm sick of
hearing about Brandy. I was twenty two years old. I
got tugged off at a Toby Keith concert and she
gets all mad about that old face? Is that what?
Then we worked together? It's tugged off me. I'm not familiar.

(45:07):
Bad day. She wasn't a strapper, she was a sex worker,
and it's a different well she had health insurance. Okay,
we don't tell me he was doing well? Right now, right,
young man? Can I get you something contract? Yes, I
would like a milk, please, milk, right, but a little
brandy in that milk. Would you like a little brandy

(45:30):
in your milk? I believe I would. I would like
to try some brandy. So I'd just like to let
you know there's a hand signal here. If anything gets
out of control for you and you can't handle it yourself,
just tap your head three times and we will adopt you.
Did you hear that? No? I did not. I'm drinking
son because we didn't really move more than if we
didn't very far away. I've got no super sonic here,

(45:52):
and I'm a god dain't even made the Sun's going
down wonderful or I guess the son stunned? All right,
don't burn it. Oh these see people were jamming in
the oven, chiming before we read in the place, so
it doesn't need to fit. Just jomming in this bears

(46:14):
too big for the app. It's not too big if
you're jamming it. I'm chumming as my What were your favor? Wait? Wait,
you'll put you putting it in the pizza oven in
the full size of its sister. What's all listening? Not nothing? Nothing?

(46:38):
Bag gets ready yet almost with the chips already ask
for bag eats as the bonus. All right, baas as
their bonus. Right with the meal. You've got a choice
of chips and apple or back gas bonus. Right, get
the bag at when you get the sandwich, that's the one.

(46:58):
Everyone's got a right on the checklist. So we need
lots of baggage. What don't we French is something very funny,
She's got good very funny. Every week, same same joke.
We gotta going we get French food, sometimes we get
Italian food. Sometimes it's not all British Italians. So when

(47:22):
do we get to eat funny again? Every week? With
this not making a joke. You're just wondering when I hungry.
You know what if there's an extra baggett you're gonna have? Oh,
I'd rather have the chips. One bloody hell Is is
the master of having ward trash overre Oh that's old Steve,
Old Steve, Old Steve. Look were produced against ward trash? Yeah,

(47:47):
I know you are. You're an elitist. You know what.
We got a place in this society. They got a
place in this society for now. Mate, don't forget. We're
striking at midnight. All right, right, you guys about that
included we didn't walk away far enough. You're going to
strike me again at midnight. Yeah, if you get what's

(48:07):
coming to you are God was coming to me. They
know I got it. We're just trying to cover up. See,
we're gonna have a strike to night at midnight. A strike.
Yeah cool. And about that time I was like, well, hell,
I'll just side from the gas so you know, I
was huffing and puffing on that hose, And what a
lovely story that was prompted. Yeah. So yeah, you know,

(48:30):
if you ever need any gasoline, can shuck damn damn
shut again, child, tap your head three times? So what's
up with y'all? How did you make your money? Gold Man? Oh, well,
it's been in the family for thousands of you. Yes,
my great great great grandfather he was a baron of ships,

(48:50):
baron ships. That sounds like a hear, daddy, that sounds
like a vampire. Title of baron, baron ship? A ship?
Where did you say, ship? Bear? No, you really need
to clean out your ears. Actually, I see something hanging
from of them. Just Louis booger hanging out of your ear.
It's gather. Yeah, it's my grandfather John on them to

(49:11):
keep a little piece of him. He's going to get
it when he's old enough. But truly, we do not
like to talk about where our wealth comes from. It
is not appropriate. But if you were to talk about it,
where did it come? Well? That just I told her
a ship parent. I don't know what's confusing aaron? He created,
manufactured and owned ships. Right, who's this one? Then? That's
my daughter in law? Holy ship? You are? Yeah, you're

(49:34):
the one married to that kid? Huh? Been married for you?
That trunk is? Oh man, are you drunk too, little boy?
Something in the mill I did put a little branding
silly good, we should cook you for dinner. You'll have
a pig we could chase around. Well, we do have

(49:56):
several ambles on the grounds of the manor. Of course,
I like that you a pig, so that we cannot
change the I think it'd be fine if we all
just kind of aimlessly roamed around the home and our
own wife. That's all right, that seems highly all right,
let's do it, all right. No, let they are running off,
come on in the downstairs, and now it's just the

(50:20):
three of us again. It's Clive. No one's having asked
me where I'm from, and we will not tonight, fair enough. Therefore,
that's by the way, oh mother, terribly sorry, so short,
and I duck behind this suit of armor. So we
we We are in England right now. Yes, they've moved

(50:45):
here to Yes, I believe it was established that they
moved next door. And there's no reason for us to
leave castle that we've lived in for this family. I
believe I wasn't leaving. No, we're staying here. Of course.
These dummies just wanted to run around the castle by themselves.
So that's what it seems like. It's time to get
the crossbow and track them down. Ding dong ding do.

(51:09):
Here's in this room? Oh wow, Oh, there's a little
recording of them. Strange. Why would they have a recording
of their voices inside the room? Makes it seem as
though if I were to pass by hearing them inside.
Step to the center of the room. All right, what
hell's up with this black box? All right? Welcome? You're welcome.

(51:31):
Your name please? My name is uh well, it's hard
to pronounce and I haven't said it a loud and
a long time. Let's say it together, shall we? Jonathan,
then please distrobe Johnathan? All right, she want not step inside?
All right? Oh, it's getting wet. Why is the water
level rising in this room? You have an exceptionally large

(51:55):
ass cray, Thank you so much. It was a gift
of these pencils. Oh they are They're from my family.
We used to have a pencil farm. By hello, just
a second, I'm doing calculations on the possibility of a
pencil farm. I should get dress. I got any dinner? Wow,
we'll looking down here. What y'all cooking? Huh? Jumping? Assisted?

(52:25):
That is that pizza? Because I love myself some pizza.
That's that's a duck. We're gonna put it in the goose.
We're making a goose, and that way you don't have
to pick two, you just get one. Yeah, I'm so
excited about this. Okay, we'll keep it in the trousers. Thought,
Oh yeah, all of us kitching stuff at midnight, we're

(52:47):
all going to go on strike against the right Jill,
she's an outsider. That's great. Benefits are so yeah, we
demand benefits. And we're real tired and across by games.
I don't know who's going on with you're but it's
not gonna work. This strike is not gonna work. Was
gonna work. I tell you, they're going to crush this.

(53:08):
It's stupid. We should just not since we get the crossbows.
Come on, it only works with stick together. A strike
is one person that doesn't strike, that's not a strike.
That's just not shown up for work. It's just not
gonna work. You shouldn't do it. I knew that it
would be more exciting down here than it wasn't the
daning room. I had a feeling, don't trust a word

(53:29):
that those fancy aristocrats say. Look, you don't understand. You
gotta get out of here, Get out of here before
the crossbow game starts. This is why you can't. Family
is back with you to America right I live next door.
Now this is an ancient family or they're lineas go
back to Germany. They own so many apps, they own
so much of the world's blood. You gotta go right now.

(53:54):
I really scared you'd be scared of us, be scared
of him. Look under this trap, dog, Look at all
this Oh that blood is coming, alove, that blood is
miking it. Look Oh good one dogging You got Himney, Yes, yes, well,

(54:24):
I'm very proud of you, sweetheart. Thank you. Well, it
looks like it looks like another dinner party has ended.
Thankfully the scene what happened? Boy? He's not good? Happened? Oh?
That's our show for today. I want to thank all

(54:45):
of our alchemus uh. Let's go around the table show.
He's starting with Matt Schlissel. Hey, Matt, what year was
it when you realize you had, in fact, perfected an
English accent? It was today. I think we can all attend. Yeah,
thank you so much for joining us, buddy boy. Find
you on the social media's or live shows the place

(55:07):
to go to look for calendars and things. I think
if they figure out how to spell schlistle right, they'll
find all the stuff all the way home. Yeah, they'll
find it. I hope you had fun and thanks man,
thanks for having me. It's Carla Kaikowski. Yes, sir, tell
us of the goings on the two years. Have been traveling,
been doing some show. Yeah, we did some improv festivals.
We have South Carolina coming up in November. Yep. Um.

(55:31):
Besides that, I'm still on Twitter, you know, still there
really at Karla Kakowski and Dude Gagliardi. Uh, Blood and
Treasures on Amazon Prime. Now we're playing in the improvising
a Dynasty typewriter, the Lovely Dynasty Typewriter at the end
of the last Wednesday of every month. And uh, you're
off to Montreal momentary. Then I'm off to Montreal in

(55:52):
a couple of months. Yeah, extraordinary fund Craig Kakowski at
Kaikowski on Twitter and see Kaikowski on instag Graham Sometimes
people tell me they can't find me on Instagram. Quick
shout out love to the family and Phoenix. Yes, especially Kurt.
We have to talk about that. Yeah, we'll talk about
Joseph ker at Jeffy Greeber. That's right on Instagram and

(56:14):
every second and fourth Wednesday nine o'clock bear supplay at
the west side of coming to the either. And a
happy birthday to our very own Chris Alvarado Man he
looks makes forty look good. Slice Next time, buddy, When
the improvised a little today like Engineer the Stars Dog

(56:38):
pay our post signed design artist Raphael breed Are produce
your Sophie Lichterman's and of course I hired media. Encourage
all of you to write a review, tell everyone you've
ever met and rite to us with your scene suggestions
at your name here at Alchemy, this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy, this debt can your most

(57:00):
that just had some done work? Kevin Pollocks. Until next time,
O