Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, welcome back to amiss. I'm your host. Kevin is
that yes, I will see the Batman in the theater
next week, but also no, I will not condone it
being a three hour superhero film. But I digress. Let's
meet our come, shall we in no particular order. Let's
(00:22):
quickly check in with Chris Alvarado for his Q one
of report. Captain Alvarado, Holy ship, we are making bucks
bucks Bucks bucks. Q one beat Q be the other
tool until you know the numbers. But all I'm saying
is we're looking good. We are. We are in the red, green, black.
(00:46):
Thank you for that. Chris. Hey, there's Craig Kakowski. Kacow,
what is an item in your home that you've never
used and if honest most likely never will look behind you. Yeah,
we'll let that be. We'll let that be video only.
So uh so people, the people merely listening can use
(01:10):
their imaginations. But yeah, there's a way one. But it's
very prominent in the house. Like I don't I don't
know where I would put it even right, the perfect
spot for it clearly has already been chosen. Yeah, I mean,
(01:31):
if you're gonna block a door, what else would you
use Look over there, it's James Heeney Duke Johnson. James.
If you could have only one flavor of ice cream
for the rest of your life, what will it be?
It's easy. There's only one flavor ever buy. It's peanut
butter chocolate caramel. First of all, I love that combination.
But I am very very sad that you only allow
(01:53):
yourself one flavor. You're entire Okay, Actually I can't believe it.
I lie that I buy other ones, but that's thee
I buy for me. I also buy a mint chocolate
chip that's for Aaron. I also enjoyed the other flavor
I get. You got the two covered, and now please
welcome back. A tool sing, a tool way better than
(02:14):
the tool. Favorite class in college and why uh it's
financial accounting. Actually had a great professor, Professor Jennings um
he Actually I believe he won a professor award that year.
Uh is very exciting. I love Yeah, I love the books.
And uh, I knew exactly what Chris was talking about
when he was talking about He was probably talking about
Q one Q one, but he could also compare to
(02:36):
Q four. It depends on which quarterly system Chris is on,
which is also a good question. What was that professor's name? Again?
Who professors? And he won the award like a like
a teacher of the year in the business school award. Yeah,
a professor award the profits. It's been so long and last,
but no more trips to Catalina. If you think at
(02:58):
least it's Mark Gagliardi, Hello grab bag Leardi. Can you
explain nutella? Please? Yes, nutella. Imagine if peanut butter and
Hershey's syrup instead of being layered, we're just massed together
by a five year old and just like and then
(03:18):
finger painted on top of a bagel. That's what you
put it on, right, a bagel. I mean, I've seen
it on so many things. I just never understood it's
fair because it's a faint it's a faint taste of
like a hazel nut. Not really. They say hazel nuts spread,
but it is clearly chocolate frosting with a hint of
hazel It does confuse me. It's wildly popular, clearly, it's
(03:41):
been around for for decades, but I never understood the
all in commitment to hazel nut. Though I'm a hazel
nut fan. The coffee I people make fun of me.
I only buy flavored coffee. Uh, and I frequently get
the hazel nut. It's just that that little hint. I
just like that little hint. Like I said, it's a
wildly successful company and they and it's all based on
people's enjoyment of hazel nut. I just didn't realize. I mean,
(04:03):
you know, when pitching to let's get on with the show.
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But if you'd like to just send in a scene
suggestion any old time or a comment or a question
about I don't know James Heney's attire right to us
(04:48):
at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. It's Alchemy
this cemology, wow, Greig. Scene one comes from listener, in fact,
Eric Johnson, who wrote to us at that very email.
Dear Mr the Kevin Pollock, I just started listening to
the newest EPP of Alchemy this. I paused it right
after you told listeners me to send in more email suggestions.
(05:11):
So here's another email for you to not read on
the podcast in your face. Eric Johnson got him bamn.
Scene suggestions, Turtles on vacation, lots of love the real
Eric Freemont, No, not Fremont, Alabama. Honey, did you get
the Chase Lounge? Did you reserve the chaise Lounge? Yeah? Okay,
(05:36):
because you know if we don't do it early before
the sun comes up, then the fucking humans come down
and there's no more Chase lounges. We got it, We
got it, Okay, baby, babe, this isn't inclusive resort. I
need you so don't tip, no tipping, no nothing. I
want you to not worry about finances for once. Okay, listen,
you already won, Professor of the year. I got my profits,
(05:59):
So now is your time to just relax. I can't.
And even if we see if we see a couple
of humans, they're gonna want to pick you up, touch you,
so be it. I can't stop counting the number of
professors that did not win the prophet I know, I
know we need to be Oh look, look, look, look,
here comes some complimentary cabbage. Good morning. How do you
(06:20):
do this morning, professor babe? Mr honey, Yes, you're saying
cabbage for you? And can I get you any drinks
to start your morning off right? Do you have any
pound water? I can get pound water for you, no problem.
I'm curious what's a lava flow? What exactly is that?
A lava flow is a drink. It's I hate to
(06:42):
say this because I don't want to be accused of favoritism,
but a lava flow is really a drink that we
only serve to the humans here only only specifically it
is for the humans. I apologize. It is a delicious drink,
but baby, it might be bad. It might be bad
for you. Well, I did pay for the inclusive, the
all inclusive, and attempt to get a drink, and I'm
(07:07):
hearing exclusive. I'm just telling you that it is in
fact bad for you. There is a there's an ingredient
in a lava flow that is that is fatal to turn.
Everyone clearly knows what's best for me, even though I've
got a profitt and I can't imagine you. They'll take
He'll take a seltzer. Thank you. I would be right back. So, um,
the main thing is make sure the cart is right
(07:29):
outside the room you're cleaning. People like to take stuff
right off of it. The lotions. That's probably the number
one thing that goes all right, and but doesn't even matter.
It's like free, right, yeah, but it's like it can't
be that expensive. If somebody wants an extra lotion, if
they want extra, and of course we'll give it to them,
(07:49):
uh turrell. But we don't want to just encourage people
to take as many all right. I mean, I just
I wanted to work outside. There's a whole bunch of
areas outside this dungee halls aren't cool? Tell me about it.
Get some sunshine. Hey, sorry you guys, you're blocking my door.
I'd like to get into my room. Are you cleaning
(08:10):
my room right now? Is that what's happening. We were
just about to oh those lucians, Yeah, yeah, please takes
wonder if I can grab a couple of Yeah, I see,
there's already four on your table there. This will make six.
You do not need to know what I'm doing with him? Nope, okay.
(08:31):
I made sure that when I checked in we don't
have to share what we're doing with the luc See
the device in the back corner of your room, so
I won't ask any further questions. I appreciate that very much.
If you like kickboxing, let me know. All right, Well,
do have a good afternoon part of me? Did you
want to enjoy it? That's accusing by yourself? Or can
I join? Is that my husband's self up there? And
(08:51):
I just just gonna no, no, no, please please? Oh okay,
oh out she it hurts so good. It's It's odd,
isn't it? Guy? Isn't it so? I could not have
noticed your a turtle? Yes? Yes, and you human? I'm
a human. Yeah, mostly mostly humans here, but there are
(09:12):
some uh you know, sentient animals here. Well. Yes, oh,
I'm so sorry. I did not mean to touch your leg.
That's weird, that's all right. Make yourself comfortable, just like
the jets are kind of pushing me around. I've I've
noticed you and your husband at dinner, like you're you're
doing the six o'clock dinner service, right, You guys are
consistently showing up around six that. Yes, that's very that's
(09:36):
exactly right. And you look winded when you get there.
It takes us a moment. It takes us so wild,
you know, the old They really should stagger it, you know,
to to accommodate for you know, for slower patrons. Thank you.
Or I always thinking what about one of those moving walkways?
That would be nice, That would be nice. So what
do you what do you? What do you do? I'm
(09:56):
a consultant and I lecture a lectural of the world
on consulting. Is that a lot of flow you're drinking?
It is a love of flow. Would you like a sip?
I don't think I should. There's nuts eller in it?
What the peanut butter planed hazel nut thing? Yeah, I
don't know, I don't know what the excuse me, excuse
(10:17):
me a ms Mr honey, Mr Honey, I have I
have a note that was just handed to me from
professor Babe. Your husband's he's eyeing you from over there
and gave me this note. Oh gosh, let me see.
He does not seem very happy. I don't have my glasses.
Can you read this for me? Of course I don't
speak very good turtle. But hold on, let me put
(10:39):
it in Google Translate. Thank you. Oh, it says who's he?
Let me clarify, are you you're a male turtle? You're
a male turtle. I'm terribly sorry. I cannot tell turtle
gender specifically. I've been calling you Mr honey this whole trip.
I'm so sorry. If that's incorrect, it's fine, this is important.
(11:00):
Tell me if so, what do you think that machine was?
I don't know, Taryll, I don't know, but you gotta
be a little curious. It doesn't matter what it is.
It probably has something to do with all those lotions.
I bet it's a sex machine. All right. Well, we
don't number one rule here. When you work in the hallways,
(11:22):
you don't ask. Come on, you don't ask that guy.
That guy was begging for us to ask what that
machine was. No customers ever begging for us to ask.
I don't know where you work before, but things are different.
This is my first job. This is your first job,
this is my first job, and I'm crushing it. I'm
gonna be your boss in no time. All right. Well
(11:45):
that's good ambition, and we'd like to see that from
all our employees. Um. You know, there's a conference going
on at this hotel tonight and the keynote speaker is
gonna be speaking. He speaks all over the world, and
I think you might like it. Why because he talks
about getting what you want to do and achieving goals.
(12:07):
I got what I want to do and I'm achieving goals.
Maybe I should be a keynote speaker. Well I don't
think you just become a keynote speakers trying to grab
a couple of these lotions things. Oh my god, that
was incredible. Oh to have a lover who who actually
(12:29):
takes their time, it's that was so rewarding. And now
we cannot speak about this. Oh no, no, no, I'm sorry.
Uh oh god, you're driving me crazy. Like, um, I
understand you're speaking later tonight. Huh I'm supposed to. I
(12:51):
might just scrap everything I was gonna say and then
talk about what just happened that that, Like I didn't
I didn't even know how this was gonna work, and
you showed me. Oh well, I've yeah, I've spent time
with other humans. Um, you have housekeeping, hid Hi. I
just gonna coming so I'm gonna pick you up. I'm
(13:17):
butting your Hello, sh Hi, Is this a bad time?
You're yes, it's this is a bad time, but you're here.
You're here. Is that a tattoo of a tiger? Yes,
yes it is. I got this in Singapore. I was
lecturing and consulting there. Actually, no, I was consulting on
lecturing there. Very fancy, sounds, very exciting. It was. We
(13:40):
were just going to clean the room. Is that okay?
There's another tattoo on that side too, Okay, Oh yeah,
that's uh that's a jackal fighting fighting the tiger. Wow.
He was gonna make the bed over here. Okay, don't don't,
don't get too too close there. Huh. You don't need
to make that side of the bed. Uh you but
(14:01):
you No, I'm not falling for that. There's something on
somebody in your room, sir. We'll take care of what
you mean something? What do you mean something? I don't know,
it's under the cover, is all right? Okay? I'm begging
you up, begging. Oh my god, turtle. Yes, it's a turtle.
(14:21):
Who's a guest. Who's a guest at this resort? Thank you?
A turtle? Who I just fucked? What? Uh? Professor, babe?
If you don't mind me asking, M you've you've been
crying underneath this chess lounge all day. Thanks for noticing.
I didn't want to bother anyone. I hope I haven't
been a disturbance. No, you've been on disturbance. I just
(14:41):
want to come by and see if you need a drink.
Do you know what I could use is some sort
of uh firearm? I do not know what you're planning, professor,
but it's not really important to specifics. But a rifle
long range, maybe with a scope. It would be pretty great. Honestly,
(15:03):
I do not know how you would carry it if
I got it for you, but I could probably pay
an extra hundred dollars on top of whatever the reynal
would be. Oh, oh you are You are really not
in good shape. Maybe you've had too much. You didn't
drink a lava flow, did you. I know it's all inclusive,
but i'd be happy to pay an extra, Professor, baby,
I'm just going to pick you up and carry over
(15:25):
here right now. I'm just just don't mind me. You
just it seems like you maybe have been in the
sun too long. I'm I'm just gonna set you up
here on this counter so we can see each other.
I do I shake that. But are you familiar with
the word consent? I am. I assumed it was a human,
So I apologize for soon that I wanted to be.
(15:46):
I do I with you. Look, can you get the rifle, professor? I?
I mean I can't get the rifle. We can always,
of course, I can get the rifle I got. I
got all kinds of guns. What do you need? What?
What do need? I got guns for humans, guns for crocodiles,
guns for dogs, guns. Do you have guns for turtles? Yeah? Hey,
(16:08):
who are you gonna give this? Turtles are fucking crazy? Man?
Wait what this gun has a magazine with forty six bullets.
Turtles are insane. It's I work at an all inclusive resort.
If someone wants something, we have to get it for them.
I'll sell it to you, man, But I don't want
you to tell anybody you've got from me, all right,
I won't tell anybody anything. I'm We're very good at
(16:29):
keeping secrets. We're an all inclusive resort. The first rule
I used to work in housekeeping is don't ask hello,
why Ki Ki? Marriott guests, all right, thank you, thank you.
We've got a lot to get through. We've got a
lot to get through. But uh, let's let's talk about
getting what you want, getting what you want out of life.
(16:52):
Can we go to the first slide? Okay, there seems
to be some sort of laser pointer. That's not my
laser pointer. They put that down, Bye, down, It's not
a laser pointer. It's just the turtles gun. You want
a piece of this? What you're gonna what are you
gonna do to him? Kill him? Why? Babe? I'm taking
(17:16):
him out because you fucked him? What do you mean
why babe? Let's talk about back believe act concede, no
believe act. Can't you can't just go up there. He's
talking right now. I can't too. Like I'm gonna seize
what I want and I want to be the keynote speaker,
do not walk up there. It's it's very rude, it's
(17:40):
completely unconventional. You're not that turtle's got a gun, no, babe, no, no,
oh god, this bullet is coming at me so slow.
A turtle paste bullet is seeing one. Uh too much fun.
(18:01):
Scene two concipating v I P. McCoy kit Well, who wrote,
dear Joey, king of the heat, Good job on the oatmeal, James,
I can smell what the heat is cooking. Try tossing
some peb and j in there for a good time.
A scene suggestion for the alchemists milking oats a lickey
boom boom down McCoy. Yeah, can I help you? Yeah?
(18:27):
Coffee tall? Okay, oat milk with the side. Can you
put some hazel out of it? And um, do you
want the sugar free or the coffee? Yeah, it's a syrup.
It's a simple, sir. No, I understand. There's so many
options these days, and I didn't. Yeah, the sugar free
would be great eye contact, eye contact like some icon. No, please,
(18:52):
not for many staff now not necessary. We're out of
We're out of oat milk. Are you serious? I understand.
How many locations do they need before they can keep
It's the supply, the supply. They're having a hard time.
Supply chain, convenience. I don't know. I don't know. It's
just okay, alright, So is everything okay? Sorry? Yeah, um,
(19:13):
We're just we're out of I'm so sorry. It's first coffee.
This is a fucking Starbucks. You're at a coffee. We're
not out of coffee. After ten am, we can only
serve pike, which between you and me is garbage. I
used to live over there, but we have we have
a problem with the oat milk. Can I can I
beg you to be okay with almond? We just were
(19:35):
out a void. Can't you just have one of your
staff go in the back? Fair milk up? Fair question?
Milk A note? Is that what you're asking? No? Okay,
milk a note? I just heard you say someone going
to back end milk and then I interrupted you. So
what were you gonna know? I forgot I've lost my
(19:56):
tramp thought because you forgot what you were going to
say when used to go in the back and milk.
You know, I know, I don't even know what pal
I'm just about out of here. I can't take work
in here anymore, Barista had these people here don't even
know what that word means. Do you, for example, know
what the word barista? Stands for stands for it's a
it's an acronym. Yeah, it's the acronym. That's exactly right.
(20:20):
I don't know. I don't know, Barista. This is very simple. Guys,
Barista believe, act react, initiates, start talk act. Okay, it's
very it's convenient. A lot of time considered reacting because look,
(20:42):
I gotta get this. The bullet is still coming out
of the guys, Barista, believe act. Hey, so what's going
on on your side of the things with the milk
and of the Uh, look, man, we need we need
this milk. If you didn't get this milk and we
we have a problem. Hey man, look, I only got
(21:05):
I got fourteen cows and only one of them is magic.
So you get thirteen cow'sworth of regular milk and one
cow'sworth or whatever milk she wants to put out. Well,
you ever tried making that, you know, bringing a magic
bull over. Hav a good time with the magic cow,
and then have some don't get crazy with me with
me with magic bulls. Everybody they know such thing as
(21:28):
a magic bull. At least I've never seen one in
my life. You go out, all right, now another find
the magic bull. You bring me a magic bull, and
I'll make more of these cows. But until then, you're
gonna get almond milk, until she's done reading those books
about how great almond milk is for you. God damn,
I mean, don't get mad at me. I'm a personal
This ain't a personal attack. I just I feel like
(21:49):
everything with you is a personal attack. Ever since you
personally attacked me. That's that what we have squashed that
particular situation. Have we have? Have we have? We have?
We have? We have? Have you have? You? Wait? Have we? So?
What are you looking for? And you're looking for a
gun for an animal? Uh? Different kind of I need
(22:13):
a rifle that fits into a small creatures Uh would
they be paus hoofs. No, let's just say small creatures
hands that could hold on to a little tiny rifle. Yeah,
like a baby gun for like a community baby rifle. Yeah,
you know what, let's look for a baby rifle. Do
you have rifles a baby today? I'm running a special
(22:35):
if you if you buy a gun right throwing this?
Uh this which ball? It's like a magic ball? Oh yeah,
what what does that mean exactly? Yeah? I don't know.
I just need to offload. It's trouble. Okay, do you
want to Is that the magic bull? Yeah, that's all
I got. I don't carry animals. Normally I carry weapons
(22:56):
and accessories for animals. But this, this cool, this bull
has been nothing to trouble. So you want me to
take the bull off your hand? Excuse me, I'm looking
for a rain jacket for a poodle boy. Ah yeah,
here you go. Six dollars moving along, cute, cheap, Thank you.
It's good, good, good. So I buying the baby rifle
(23:19):
and you're gonna throw in a whole bull I just
wanted off my hands. Okay, yeah, great, I'll take the ball. Well, look,
I feel I feel better. Now. Let's say I gribbed
that much in years. Let's say we uh, we go
get a cup of coffee. I'd like that. I'm buying.
(23:40):
Oh how about this Starbucks right here? Yeah? Sure, they're
all the same, that's what I think thinking. Yeah, welcome,
Can I get you? I'm not done here, I am
not done. Why did you move on? We're still as
we don't have oh bilk sorry going you guys go ahead,
(24:01):
because hey, Steve, Steve, come back here for a second.
It's up. Hey, why don't you just give him some
regular milk and say it's oat milk. It's gonna be
too hot to drink till he's gone, because like what
if he's lactose and tallerant. I don't want to poison
a customer and be John. Come on, no one gets
caught whenever it gets caught for this here, I'll do it.
(24:22):
I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, you go out there and
take my take. My shift was quite frankly, I'm fucking done.
Oh well, I'm still gonna need your help pleas alright,
Uh so this is it turns out I had one
last thing, I oat milk. Uh and here is a
piping hot cup of coffee without milk. That ain't right.
There ain't no oat milk anywhere, right, Yeah, we we
both know there ain't no oat milk here. You can
(24:46):
hear us. Shut up? Everybody shut up? Are you the
one looking for oat milk? Don't tell me a customer
to shut up? First of all, I'm so sorry, I
did not mean that for you know, I'm gonna go
take my business and go to the coffee being across
the street. But all right, hello, hi, so you actually
(25:08):
have oatmelk that must mean you have a must have
a very special animal because we know the supplying. Yeah,
I've got I've got lots of special animals and tons
of tons of oat milk. Well actually not tons, but
we're looking for a special animal right now. In fact,
that special animal could end this whole oat milk crisis.
(25:31):
Oh well, umm, well, I I can't share my special animal,
but it does get me something. You aligned to us,
are you? Huh? Well? I mean is it illegal to
lie to you? Who are you? You're just a customer, right, Hi?
Welcome to the coffee being a tea leaf across the
street from the Starbucks. What are you doing here? This
(25:52):
is great? Come in, well that's so cool, thank you.
What do you want coffee? See, I'll take a coffee,
oat milk and uh oh old milk. Okay, all right,
a little splash of hazel nut, A little splash of
hazel nut. Okay? Did you try the Starbucks? Um, because
(26:19):
they are either right across the street. No, I see him.
I was just treated rudely there. That's why I came
here to give you. Okay, patronize you. We got you
want to stone, we got I don't know how long
some of these have been here, like some of these
scones have been here from that's a rock. That's a rock.
I think that is a rock. Just how about a tea?
(26:41):
How about a tea? We gotta put something in the cases.
T T. That's not hard, right, that's just uh, that's
just you put a bag in the hot water and
you got tea. Do you have a PIKOI? Who? How
do you spell it? How do you spell that? Uh?
Pe koe? Okay, I got I got Belgian breakfast, which
(27:02):
I don't know. I don't know what that is. I good, Yeah,
I've never heard of that one? What else? What you have?
Just name all six of them right there? Okay, I
got Belgian breakfast, one, I got Burl Gray, got um
ruy boost boost. It's always fun, all right. You see,
you don't messed up because you lied to us. And
(27:24):
that's why we brought you back here to this dairy farm.
And you're gonna milk. We won't Oh, you're gonna have
to make it with that magic cow there until we
get something that resembles oat milk. Unerstand what I'm saying?
That's right? Oh? Oh um, well I can do that.
It's just gotta resemble oat milk. Right, that has to
be seen too. That has to be seen to. It
just has to resemble oat milk. Good God save us all.
(27:53):
See three comes from Patroon v I P. Crispy who
rode hi Kevin. I've delved d to come up with
the following scene suggestion. One word it is flags. You
are more than welcome, signed Crispy Flags, Ladies and gentlemen.
(28:14):
Free legal aid given strength. That's free legal aid, given strength.
Thank you very much, Thank you very much. You have
a great day. You got by stew by. Do we
uh hi, do we get legal advice along with a
cup of coffee? Is that what this is? Uh? Yep,
(28:34):
that's right. You can see we have all these wonderful
uh lawyers here and uh and other legal people, and
they also have carafts of coffee. So you sit down,
ask them a question. They will be happy to answer
your questions the best of their knowledge, and they will
give you a cup of coffee. That's free legal aid.
And none of this is gonna be shared because it's
private between us from the lawyer, right, it all depends
(28:57):
on the specific uh degree or education that these particular
lawyers have some are full fledged lawyers. That's right. Nothing
not path hopathetic. Co Uh what if you killed someone? Yeah, hypothetically,
I'm not. I'm not. I'm just I actually just run
the hall here. Yeah, I think I think I can
(29:17):
take this one. I can take this one. Yeah. I'm
not technically a lawyer. I'm what was referred to previously
as other legal people. But if you want to come
over to the other legal people table, that's fine. We
can have a private conversation. All right, So hypathetically killed someone. Okay,
(29:39):
see this is what I'm talking about. By private conversation.
I am on a microphone, and you stood in line
from stand at this microphone, so that we are both
speaking in the microphones, and you're talking about a hypothetical.
Why don't let's say, hypothetically we're gonna go over to
this table over here right after this, Why don't you
come over and talk to me? There it's the table
(30:01):
labeled labeled o LP. You're a cop. Catch Oh wow,
he just ran right through that. Well look there's a
shape him in a hole in that wall. I'm I'm
gonna wait for a lawyer. Well, look, you see, we
have all these booth heres set up like like voting booths.
Almost right, but there's chairs on the oither side. I
don't need to paint the picture for you, but I will.
(30:23):
And uh, you know, there are lawyers and other legal
people here and coffee waiting to answer any of your questions.
Flags again stands for what sir, Free legal aid given strength. Hey,
come on in, come on in. Uh my name is
James Master Pattney and uh but people call me sweet James,
(30:45):
and uh, I'm my full fledged lawyer. I'm on the
other side of the spectrum. And that guy on the
microphone and tell me what's on your mind. I'm I'm
still waiting on that cappuccino. Sorry, that's okay. This is
a lawyer booth. Okay, sorry about it. Um here, I'm
gonna just cheat over to this boot. Hey, but I
guess why while you're here? What what area of law
(31:08):
did you specialize in? Criminal? Criminal? Murders, robberies. Those are
the two I specified in. Okay, also a little bit
of financial, but mostly murders and robberies. So let's say
say the word hypothetically. Please don't just say anything otherwise
hypothetically say that I hypothetically killed someone Okay, so it's
(31:31):
not an issue unless you did it. So yeah, yeah,
I just want to want to throw out a hypothetical
and see uh yeah, So my advice would be, unless
you did it, nothing to worry about. Good good. If
hypothetically I had a baby gun, all right, you know
those guns that are typically made for babies, but that yeah,
(31:54):
I know exactly adults. Adults with small enough fingers and
conceivably fire. Okay, Um, if I if I placed a
baby gun to uh to the temple of of a
co worker, I'm gonna tell you, I'll get this case
torn out. You shouldn't be handling a baby gun. You
(32:15):
look like a grown adult. And somebody who sold you
a baby gun, they're the ones at fault. Yes, I
like this is very helpful. Are you doing the cappuccino
or is there another another? Okay? Is this the o LP? Yeah,
you look nervous. Hey, hey, hey, relax, relax. Do you
(32:38):
want some cleanex to put in your armpits? Here? That
was all right? See doesn't that feel nice? Yeah? You
can take those out here? Now put some more. These
are dry. Put some dry feels nice, don't sure? Okay?
So o LP yeah, my service at my service. At you.
(32:59):
I told you we were at your service. Other legal people. Yeah, okay, um,
so it's just a matter of the heart, and I
don't know where that falls within the Oh oh look,
all's fair in love and war. So anything you do
because of love is legal. All's fair in love and war,
and that will hold up in court. That holds up
(33:21):
in in some courts. I I know a few jurisdictions
where it will hold up. So anything you need to
do regarding love, because this is where jurisdictions a little
like I'm gonna need you to do on the south
end of the metropolitan area. Anything south of the river,
south of the river. Okay, all's fair in love and
(33:42):
war north of the river. I can't help you. Does
that make sense? Alright? Perfect sense? I have a yeah, yeah,
that one standards for me. You didn't I didn't know
you were coming out of ordered you a cappuccino? It's okay, No,
what you want enough? And the advice? Would you like
a soaked Rosemary Powell? No? Yep, all fair, lovel war
(34:02):
south of the river. Thank you so much. You've been great.
South of the river. Why does everyone run away from
me and go through the wall. Now there's a hymn.
Shake pole. Tell me my nose is sounding like a
failding tracks. Do you have something like a clean x
is um that I could use? This? Blow my nose, Tommy, please, yeah,
I get these here you go? Oh thank you? Oh God,
(34:23):
what's happening? They smell horrible, that's yeah, I have a
cleane should smell like you got it out of a
box with a with a nice fragrance or something. This
is These were the only the best I had in
my armpits. Oh so you had the bo on the
clean X before you hand it before. Well that's out full. Okay.
(34:45):
I'm just a little lost. Am I on the south
side of the river or the north side? So if
you just walk over that bridge, just we're gonna be
walking to you right now, right now, you're currently north side.
We're gonna walk over this bridge. You can follow, you
can come with us. You know, I want to be
on the north side, So I'm gonna say in the
north side, So we want to we want to be
in the south side. Good lucks are his problem, So
(35:07):
you know, come on, I kind of I'm telling you
that my nose is just not built for that do
you still love me? I mean, sure, mm hmmm. What
kind of love? Were you questioning? What? I don't know?
I guess, I guess all of it. I mean, when
when I met you, I was eighteen and you were
seven day with children. Well, you were a child. I
(35:30):
felt like a child. And uh, you've grown so much
in the last three years. Yeah, three years, three years.
I'm I'm you know, and I'm so proud of you
and you're but I can read it at seventy four
year old level, so I know, I know, listen, listen.
(35:51):
I just I didn't know that when we started dating
that I was contractually obligated to stay with you every
single day and night, and that you wanted me to
know that there's a con tracked involved freedom on my
side south, Okay, a little more freedom. What would you
like to do with this glorious freedom. I would like
you to take one more step off this bridge, right then.
(36:13):
I would like you to take this knife, yes, and
I will insert it into your chest. O. God, stings
right there in the chest bone. Oh my god, that
human killed another human. Run. We've seen too much, turtles,
Just do your best. I don't think you've recovered from
(36:36):
this sort of wound. James, Uh huh, Look, man, you
can't keep coming here for legal advice. Um, you've been
through all the lawyers. You've been through all the real
lawyers and all the O LPs and nobody can help you.
But still the problem is I can't help you either.
You can't even on the facility. You're the kingpin of
(36:57):
it all. I mean in the sense I legally, what
do I have? Hypothetically? All right, hypothetically, Hypothetically, let's say
I was a barista. You know what, let's get rid
of the hypothetically. It's just let's just go for it.
I'm a barista. Boom? And which where and where do
you work? Well at a coffee shop? Which one? Well,
(37:21):
it's across the street from the Coffee Bean and Tea
she And what's the deal? Well, we ran out of
HOAt milk? And I do you have sex with the cow?
Wait a second, did the other lawyers tell you this
before I got here, because they told me it was secret.
Oh my god, this cow has given birth. Oh, oh
(37:45):
my god, it looks like a human. That calve's got
a man face. Try milking and see what comes out. Now, now,
don't try milk and it. That cow's got a man's face. Well,
just don't look at his face, just get under it.
Sounds to me like legally you are the dad and
you have that could be anybody that's a calf. I
(38:08):
know that it came out with a mustache and a
tank top. Yeah, that's like your that's your signature. Look,
would call it signature sail. There's plenty of room in
the hot tub. Come on in. Hey, I noticed that
you're a you're a human cow hybrid. What what brings
(38:30):
you to the Marriott Wakiki Arratal problems have led to
sacks that made me m oh, you want some oat milk? Oh?
Can you you can? Yeah? Oh well I can see that.
I'd see the hot tubs filling up with it. You're welcome.
(38:52):
Wow nice right, Yeah, that's particularly good when it's boiling.
Are you Are you here with anyone? Mm hmm. You
said marital problem, So I'm guess not mine. I'm the
product of infidelity. Oh wait a minute, are you a
are you a calf? You gotta you gotta tell me,
(39:13):
you gotta tell me if you're a calf. Okay, I'm
a calf. It seems so mature. Would you like to
see my my suite. I'm gonna take it. I'm I'm
picking you up. I'm picking you up. Oh this feels usual.
So it turns out it's mine. There was a DNA
(39:33):
test and you were right. Well, I do run a
facility for free legal aid. I'm actually just hoping that
you you could get me like a not a baby gun,
but like a full man. Good. Hey, go to o
(39:55):
LP for that man. Oh yeah, he's gonna be cool
with that. I think he'll be the coolest. I'll walk
there now. Hey, welcome to o LP. What seems to
be the problem, Well, you remember all those hypotheticals. Yeah,
you're the guy that fuck that cow. Right, it's not
it's shaw hypothetically and all that bullshit. Right, Yeah, what
(40:18):
can I do for you? Well, let's just say, come
on the hypothetically, Mama cow is trying to get human
daddy to pay child supports. It. It's just not in
the budget because I got a I got another wife
that I'm married to. It's a mess. It's a mess,
and I need to take this cow out. What part
(40:40):
of town do you live in? North of the river.
I'm gonna needs you to head south of the river. Okay,
but I'm gonna need you don't usually go south. Well, look,
you're gonna have to go south of the river for this.
You're gonna be a big boy about this. You can
be a little boy about this. I'm a man. That
wasn't a question. Hey, hey, I gave you. I gave
you two options in that question. Are a big boy
(41:00):
of a little boy? Don't add a third? Okay, a
big boy? You like an adult? Hey, hey, adult was
not one of the choices. Here you go. You're a
big boy. Now, that's what I want you to do
to have big boy. Okay, I want you to take
that cow and I want you to a cross to
the south side of the river. And once that happens,
let me ask you this. Do you a either love
(41:23):
that cow or be are you at waar with that cow?
Kind of kind of neither. Honestly, it was a business.
I gave you room service open. So he is going
on in here, Well, it's just me. I'm just I'm
(41:44):
just alone in this room and I don't fit under
this bed. Shut up, shut up. Someone else is here,
but that's none of my business. It's not your business.
Go ahead, and bring in what we ordered. What I ordered.
I'm gonna refill your your lotions and your current cups. Great, okay,
and you said you wanted two more waters, right, Oh
(42:07):
that's all that is complimentary. I still don't know what
you ordered from room service, all right, Yeah I ordered.
I ordered some beef. Yeah, I ordered a plate of beef. Okay,
and here's your plate of just beef, beef, right, nothing else,
no seasoning. Okay, now look at this. I'll look at this. Now,
(42:33):
get on the bed. Is our show today. We just
can't take it a step further. I want to, We
want to, but at some point, folk, you need to
do the work. Okay, we don't. We can't take it
from there, but we will. Thank you for being here. Um,
(42:55):
Mark Gagliardi, thank you so much, South and North of
the River, thank you for having me. It's been a
delight uh in a a very fun time. As always,
I love playing with you guys. Two podcasts in a week.
Uh we had Kevin on. Uh we got this with
Mark and Howe. So listen for that coming up very soon.
(43:15):
Listen for that. I had a blast. Thanks man. We
uh we debated, we did and uh I think we
came up with a pretty solid I think we came
to the correct conclusion at the end of it. Yeah,
I feel good about that. Well, thank you for that,
and this. Dr Craig Ktkowski, thank you as well. Oh
(43:35):
a lot of fun, A lot of fun because it's
coming up. I probably have said this on the podcast before,
but it can never be said too many times that
it's daylight saving time and not daylight savings time. Don't
add the why do people add that? S It is strange.
Maybe savings accounts, savings accounts, Maybe that's got Yeah, I
(43:59):
think you Nelda though it's savings account even though you're
just saving money in that account and you're saving daylight
a tool saying while we still have you, thank you
for being here with us. He's having some technical issues,
but we've been giving the thumbs up, so we feel
very good about it. We love our tools. Sing and
excited about him uh having joined our live show at
(44:22):
the west Side Comedy Theater in early March and Matt
hopefully we'll see him again at one of those. James Heeny,
did you have fun at the live show at the
West Side Comedy Theater. It was incredible? Yeah, it was
so much fun to have so many people come home.
Oh man, get close hugs. It was wonderful. Uh, and
(44:43):
we'll we'll do it again in April. Chris Alvarado, thank
you so much, buddy. Great to see you as always.
Thank you boy, what a fun group. I think there
are certain things at a certain age you can't change. Yep, Craig,
there's no way I'd ever be able to stop myself
from saying savings daylight savings. That's just the truth. Now.
I said it in my head a couple of times.
It feels unnatural to say the other way, the light
(45:05):
saving time saving time. I always thought it was daylight
saving times. Oh no, thank you for bringing that home, James.
Let's thank our pretty sure and engineer to the stars,
Mr Doug Banking. Fine, folks that I hurt Media, I'm
your ho's Kevin Pollock. Uh. Letting you know that Joey
(45:28):
Grier is just gonna be out for a couple of weeks.
We'll be back with us. Just to sort of put
the kai bosh on your emails asking for for more
or less of Joey. Uh, he will be back soon.
And well, thank you so very much for your patronage
and your support, and you're watching the show. Write a
review if you would. You've been so kind to send
us fresh emails and we've received many and we thank
(45:51):
you for them. Um, be kind to each other, take
it easy out there, uh and UM think good thoughts
for you and yours, and theres until next time, M.
Well, welcome back to amiss. I'm your host. Kevin is
that yes, I will see the Batman in the theater
next week, but also no, I will not condone it
being a three hour superhero film. But I digress. Let's
meet our come, shall we in no particular order. Let's
(00:22):
quickly check in with Chris Alvarado for his Q one
of report. Captain Alvarado, Holy ship, we are making bucks
bucks Bucks bucks. Q one beat Q be the other
tool until you know the numbers. But all I'm saying
is we're looking good. We are. We are in the red, green, black.
(00:46):
Thank you for that. Chris. Hey, there's Craig Kakowski. Kacow,
what is an item in your home that you've never
used and if honest most likely never will look behind you. Yeah,
we'll let that be. We'll let that be video only.
So uh so people, the people merely listening can use
(01:10):
their imaginations. But yeah, there's a way one. But it's
very prominent in the house. Like I don't I don't
know where I would put it even right, the perfect
spot for it clearly has already been chosen. Yeah, I mean,
(01:31):
if you're gonna block a door, what else would you
use Look over there, it's James Heeney Duke Johnson. James.
If you could have only one flavor of ice cream
for the rest of your life, what will it be?
It's easy. There's only one flavor ever buy. It's peanut
butter chocolate caramel. First of all, I love that combination.
But I am very very sad that you only allow
(01:53):
yourself one flavor. You're entire Okay, Actually I can't believe it.
I lie that I buy other ones, but that's thee
I buy for me. I also buy a mint chocolate
chip that's for Aaron. I also enjoyed the other flavor
I get. You got the two covered, and now please
welcome back. A tool sing, a tool way better than
(02:14):
the tool. Favorite class in college and why uh it's
financial accounting. Actually had a great professor, Professor Jennings um
he Actually I believe he won a professor award that year.
Uh is very exciting. I love Yeah, I love the books.
And uh, I knew exactly what Chris was talking about
when he was talking about He was probably talking about
Q one Q one, but he could also compare to
(02:36):
Q four. It depends on which quarterly system Chris is on,
which is also a good question. What was that professor's name? Again?
Who professors? And he won the award like a like
a teacher of the year in the business school award. Yeah,
a professor award the profits. It's been so long and last,
but no more trips to Catalina. If you think at
(02:58):
least it's Mark Gagliardi, Hello grab bag Leardi. Can you
explain nutella? Please? Yes, nutella. Imagine if peanut butter and
Hershey's syrup instead of being layered, we're just massed together
by a five year old and just like and then
(03:18):
finger painted on top of a bagel. That's what you
put it on, right, a bagel. I mean, I've seen
it on so many things. I just never understood it's
fair because it's a faint it's a faint taste of
like a hazel nut. Not really. They say hazel nuts spread,
but it is clearly chocolate frosting with a hint of
hazel It does confuse me. It's wildly popular, clearly, it's
(03:41):
been around for for decades, but I never understood the
all in commitment to hazel nut. Though I'm a hazel
nut fan. The coffee I people make fun of me.
I only buy flavored coffee. Uh, and I frequently get
the hazel nut. It's just that that little hint. I
just like that little hint. Like I said, it's a
wildly successful company and they and it's all based on
people's enjoyment of hazel nut. I just didn't realize. I mean,
(04:03):
you know, when pitching to let's get on with the show.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener
emails or from our patron v I p s to
become a patron supporter of the show, enjoy exclusive content
like standalone bonus scenes we or a video recording of
this very session, or at the highest level of the
Alco maniac you could join one of these zoom sessions,
as we did earlier today with three a Maniacs. That's right,
(04:26):
that was so much fun. They really was um and
we're gonna do a lot more of them on a
continuing basis. We'd love to hear from you. But if
you do want to support through the Patreon, just go
to patron dot com slash alchemy. This it's that simple.
But if you'd like to just send in a scene
suggestion any old time or a comment or a question
about I don't know James Heney's attire right to us
(04:48):
at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. It's Alchemy
this cemology, wow, Greig. Scene one comes from listener, in fact,
Eric Johnson, who wrote to us at that very email.
Dear Mr the Kevin Pollock, I just started listening to
the newest EPP of Alchemy this. I paused it right
after you told listeners me to send in more email suggestions.
(05:11):
So here's another email for you to not read on
the podcast in your face. Eric Johnson got him bamn.
Scene suggestions, Turtles on vacation, lots of love the real
Eric Freemont, No, not Fremont, Alabama. Honey, did you get
the Chase Lounge? Did you reserve the chaise Lounge? Yeah? Okay,
(05:36):
because you know if we don't do it early before
the sun comes up, then the fucking humans come down
and there's no more Chase lounges. We got it, We
got it, Okay, baby, babe, this isn't inclusive resort. I
need you so don't tip, no tipping, no nothing. I
want you to not worry about finances for once. Okay, listen,
you already won, Professor of the year. I got my profits,
(05:59):
So now is your time to just relax. I can't.
And even if we see if we see a couple
of humans, they're gonna want to pick you up, touch you,
so be it. I can't stop counting the number of
professors that did not win the prophet I know, I
know we need to be Oh look, look, look, look,
here comes some complimentary cabbage. Good morning. How do you
(06:20):
do this morning, professor babe? Mr honey, Yes, you're saying
cabbage for you? And can I get you any drinks
to start your morning off right? Do you have any
pound water? I can get pound water for you, no problem.
I'm curious what's a lava flow? What exactly is that?
A lava flow is a drink. It's I hate to
(06:42):
say this because I don't want to be accused of favoritism,
but a lava flow is really a drink that we
only serve to the humans here only only specifically it
is for the humans. I apologize. It is a delicious drink,
but baby, it might be bad. It might be bad
for you. Well, I did pay for the inclusive, the
all inclusive, and attempt to get a drink, and I'm
(07:07):
hearing exclusive. I'm just telling you that it is in
fact bad for you. There is a there's an ingredient
in a lava flow that is that is fatal to turn.
Everyone clearly knows what's best for me, even though I've
got a profitt and I can't imagine you. They'll take
He'll take a seltzer. Thank you. I would be right back. So, um,
the main thing is make sure the cart is right
(07:29):
outside the room you're cleaning. People like to take stuff
right off of it. The lotions. That's probably the number
one thing that goes all right, and but doesn't even matter.
It's like free, right, yeah, but it's like it can't
be that expensive. If somebody wants an extra lotion, if
they want extra, and of course we'll give it to them,
(07:49):
uh turrell. But we don't want to just encourage people
to take as many all right. I mean, I just
I wanted to work outside. There's a whole bunch of
areas outside this dungee halls aren't cool? Tell me about it.
Get some sunshine. Hey, sorry you guys, you're blocking my door.
I'd like to get into my room. Are you cleaning
(08:10):
my room right now? Is that what's happening. We were
just about to oh those lucians, Yeah, yeah, please takes
wonder if I can grab a couple of Yeah, I see,
there's already four on your table there. This will make six.
You do not need to know what I'm doing with him? Nope, okay.
(08:31):
I made sure that when I checked in we don't
have to share what we're doing with the luc See
the device in the back corner of your room, so
I won't ask any further questions. I appreciate that very much.
If you like kickboxing, let me know. All right, Well,
do have a good afternoon part of me? Did you
want to enjoy it? That's accusing by yourself? Or can
I join? Is that my husband's self up there? And
(08:51):
I just just gonna no, no, no, please please? Oh okay,
oh out she it hurts so good. It's It's odd,
isn't it? Guy? Isn't it so? I could not have
noticed your a turtle? Yes? Yes, and you human? I'm
a human. Yeah, mostly mostly humans here, but there are
(09:12):
some uh you know, sentient animals here. Well. Yes, oh,
I'm so sorry. I did not mean to touch your leg.
That's weird, that's all right. Make yourself comfortable, just like
the jets are kind of pushing me around. I've I've
noticed you and your husband at dinner, like you're you're
doing the six o'clock dinner service, right, You guys are
consistently showing up around six that. Yes, that's very that's
(09:36):
exactly right. And you look winded when you get there.
It takes us a moment. It takes us so wild,
you know, the old They really should stagger it, you know,
to to accommodate for you know, for slower patrons. Thank you.
Or I always thinking what about one of those moving walkways?
That would be nice, That would be nice. So what
do you what do you? What do you do? I'm
(09:56):
a consultant and I lecture a lectural of the world
on consulting. Is that a lot of flow you're drinking?
It is a love of flow. Would you like a sip?
I don't think I should. There's nuts eller in it?
What the peanut butter planed hazel nut thing? Yeah, I
don't know, I don't know what the excuse me, excuse
(10:17):
me a ms Mr honey, Mr Honey, I have I
have a note that was just handed to me from
professor Babe. Your husband's he's eyeing you from over there
and gave me this note. Oh gosh, let me see.
He does not seem very happy. I don't have my glasses.
Can you read this for me? Of course I don't
speak very good turtle. But hold on, let me put
(10:39):
it in Google Translate. Thank you. Oh, it says who's he?
Let me clarify, are you you're a male turtle? You're
a male turtle. I'm terribly sorry. I cannot tell turtle
gender specifically. I've been calling you Mr honey this whole trip.
I'm so sorry. If that's incorrect, it's fine, this is important.
(11:00):
Tell me if so, what do you think that machine was?
I don't know, Taryll, I don't know, but you gotta
be a little curious. It doesn't matter what it is.
It probably has something to do with all those lotions.
I bet it's a sex machine. All right. Well, we
don't number one rule here. When you work in the hallways,
(11:22):
you don't ask. Come on, you don't ask that guy.
That guy was begging for us to ask what that
machine was. No customers ever begging for us to ask.
I don't know where you work before, but things are different.
This is my first job. This is your first job,
this is my first job, and I'm crushing it. I'm
gonna be your boss in no time. All right. Well
(11:45):
that's good ambition, and we'd like to see that from
all our employees. Um. You know, there's a conference going
on at this hotel tonight and the keynote speaker is
gonna be speaking. He speaks all over the world, and
I think you might like it. Why because he talks
about getting what you want to do and achieving goals.
(12:07):
I got what I want to do and I'm achieving goals.
Maybe I should be a keynote speaker. Well I don't
think you just become a keynote speakers trying to grab
a couple of these lotions things. Oh my god, that
was incredible. Oh to have a lover who who actually
(12:29):
takes their time, it's that was so rewarding. And now
we cannot speak about this. Oh no, no, no, I'm sorry.
Uh oh god, you're driving me crazy. Like, um, I
understand you're speaking later tonight. Huh I'm supposed to. I
(12:51):
might just scrap everything I was gonna say and then
talk about what just happened that that, Like I didn't
I didn't even know how this was gonna work, and
you showed me. Oh well, I've yeah, I've spent time
with other humans. Um, you have housekeeping, hid Hi. I
just gonna coming so I'm gonna pick you up. I'm
(13:17):
butting your Hello, sh Hi, Is this a bad time?
You're yes, it's this is a bad time, but you're here.
You're here. Is that a tattoo of a tiger? Yes,
yes it is. I got this in Singapore. I was
lecturing and consulting there. Actually, no, I was consulting on
lecturing there. Very fancy, sounds, very exciting. It was. We
(13:40):
were just going to clean the room. Is that okay?
There's another tattoo on that side too, Okay, Oh yeah,
that's uh that's a jackal fighting fighting the tiger. Wow.
He was gonna make the bed over here. Okay, don't don't,
don't get too too close there. Huh. You don't need
to make that side of the bed. Uh you but
(14:01):
you No, I'm not falling for that. There's something on
somebody in your room, sir. We'll take care of what
you mean something? What do you mean something? I don't know,
it's under the cover, is all right? Okay? I'm begging
you up, begging. Oh my god, turtle. Yes, it's a turtle.
(14:21):
Who's a guest. Who's a guest at this resort? Thank you?
A turtle? Who I just fucked? What? Uh? Professor, babe?
If you don't mind me asking, M you've you've been
crying underneath this chess lounge all day. Thanks for noticing.
I didn't want to bother anyone. I hope I haven't
been a disturbance. No, you've been on disturbance. I just
(14:41):
want to come by and see if you need a drink.
Do you know what I could use is some sort
of uh firearm? I do not know what you're planning, professor,
but it's not really important to specifics. But a rifle
long range, maybe with a scope. It would be pretty great. Honestly,
(15:03):
I do not know how you would carry it if
I got it for you, but I could probably pay
an extra hundred dollars on top of whatever the reynal
would be. Oh, oh you are You are really not
in good shape. Maybe you've had too much. You didn't
drink a lava flow, did you. I know it's all inclusive,
but i'd be happy to pay an extra, Professor, baby,
I'm just going to pick you up and carry over
(15:25):
here right now. I'm just just don't mind me. You
just it seems like you maybe have been in the
sun too long. I'm I'm just gonna set you up
here on this counter so we can see each other.
I do I shake that. But are you familiar with
the word consent? I am. I assumed it was a human,
So I apologize for soon that I wanted to be.
(15:46):
I do I with you. Look, can you get the rifle, professor? I?
I mean I can't get the rifle. We can always,
of course, I can get the rifle I got. I
got all kinds of guns. What do you need? What?
What do need? I got guns for humans, guns for crocodiles,
guns for dogs, guns. Do you have guns for turtles? Yeah? Hey,
(16:08):
who are you gonna give this? Turtles are fucking crazy? Man?
Wait what this gun has a magazine with forty six bullets.
Turtles are insane. It's I work at an all inclusive resort.
If someone wants something, we have to get it for them.
I'll sell it to you, man, But I don't want
you to tell anybody you've got from me, all right,
I won't tell anybody anything. I'm We're very good at
(16:29):
keeping secrets. We're an all inclusive resort. The first rule
I used to work in housekeeping is don't ask hello,
why Ki Ki? Marriott guests, all right, thank you, thank you.
We've got a lot to get through. We've got a
lot to get through. But uh, let's let's talk about
getting what you want, getting what you want out of life.
(16:52):
Can we go to the first slide? Okay, there seems
to be some sort of laser pointer. That's not my
laser pointer. They put that down, Bye, down, It's not
a laser pointer. It's just the turtles gun. You want
a piece of this? What you're gonna what are you
gonna do to him? Kill him? Why? Babe? I'm taking
(17:16):
him out because you fucked him? What do you mean
why babe? Let's talk about back believe act concede, no
believe act. Can't you can't just go up there. He's
talking right now. I can't too. Like I'm gonna seize
what I want and I want to be the keynote speaker,
do not walk up there. It's it's very rude, it's
(17:40):
completely unconventional. You're not that turtle's got a gun, no, babe, no, no,
oh god, this bullet is coming at me so slow.
A turtle paste bullet is seeing one. Uh too much fun.
(18:01):
Scene two concipating v I P. McCoy kit Well, who wrote,
dear Joey, king of the heat, Good job on the oatmeal, James,
I can smell what the heat is cooking. Try tossing
some peb and j in there for a good time.
A scene suggestion for the alchemists milking oats a lickey
boom boom down McCoy. Yeah, can I help you? Yeah?
(18:27):
Coffee tall? Okay, oat milk with the side. Can you
put some hazel out of it? And um, do you
want the sugar free or the coffee? Yeah, it's a syrup.
It's a simple, sir. No, I understand. There's so many
options these days, and I didn't. Yeah, the sugar free
would be great eye contact, eye contact like some icon. No, please,
(18:52):
not for many staff now not necessary. We're out of
We're out of oat milk. Are you serious? I understand.
How many locations do they need before they can keep
It's the supply, the supply. They're having a hard time.
Supply chain, convenience. I don't know. I don't know. It's
just okay, alright, So is everything okay? Sorry? Yeah, um,
(19:13):
We're just we're out of I'm so sorry. It's first coffee.
This is a fucking Starbucks. You're at a coffee. We're
not out of coffee. After ten am, we can only
serve pike, which between you and me is garbage. I
used to live over there, but we have we have
a problem with the oat milk. Can I can I
beg you to be okay with almond? We just were
(19:35):
out a void. Can't you just have one of your
staff go in the back? Fair milk up? Fair question?
Milk A note? Is that what you're asking? No? Okay,
milk a note? I just heard you say someone going
to back end milk and then I interrupted you. So
what were you gonna know? I forgot I've lost my
(19:56):
tramp thought because you forgot what you were going to
say when used to go in the back and milk.
You know, I know, I don't even know what pal
I'm just about out of here. I can't take work
in here anymore, Barista had these people here don't even
know what that word means. Do you, for example, know
what the word barista? Stands for stands for it's a
it's an acronym. Yeah, it's the acronym. That's exactly right.
(20:20):
I don't know. I don't know, Barista. This is very simple. Guys,
Barista believe, act react, initiates, start talk act. Okay, it's
very it's convenient. A lot of time considered reacting because look,
(20:42):
I gotta get this. The bullet is still coming out
of the guys, Barista, believe act. Hey, so what's going
on on your side of the things with the milk
and of the Uh, look, man, we need we need
this milk. If you didn't get this milk and we
we have a problem. Hey man, look, I only got
(21:05):
I got fourteen cows and only one of them is magic.
So you get thirteen cow'sworth of regular milk and one
cow'sworth or whatever milk she wants to put out. Well,
you ever tried making that, you know, bringing a magic
bull over. Hav a good time with the magic cow,
and then have some don't get crazy with me with
me with magic bulls. Everybody they know such thing as
(21:28):
a magic bull. At least I've never seen one in
my life. You go out, all right, now another find
the magic bull. You bring me a magic bull, and
I'll make more of these cows. But until then, you're
gonna get almond milk, until she's done reading those books
about how great almond milk is for you. God damn,
I mean, don't get mad at me. I'm a personal
This ain't a personal attack. I just I feel like
(21:49):
everything with you is a personal attack. Ever since you
personally attacked me. That's that what we have squashed that
particular situation. Have we have? Have we have? We have?
We have? We have? Have you have? You? Wait? Have we? So?
What are you looking for? And you're looking for a
gun for an animal? Uh? Different kind of I need
(22:13):
a rifle that fits into a small creatures Uh would
they be paus hoofs. No, let's just say small creatures
hands that could hold on to a little tiny rifle. Yeah,
like a baby gun for like a community baby rifle. Yeah,
you know what, let's look for a baby rifle. Do
you have rifles a baby today? I'm running a special
(22:35):
if you if you buy a gun right throwing this?
Uh this which ball? It's like a magic ball? Oh yeah,
what what does that mean exactly? Yeah? I don't know.
I just need to offload. It's trouble. Okay, do you
want to Is that the magic bull? Yeah, that's all
I got. I don't carry animals. Normally I carry weapons
(22:56):
and accessories for animals. But this, this cool, this bull
has been nothing to trouble. So you want me to
take the bull off your hand? Excuse me, I'm looking
for a rain jacket for a poodle boy. Ah yeah,
here you go. Six dollars moving along, cute, cheap, Thank you.
It's good, good, good. So I buying the baby rifle
(23:19):
and you're gonna throw in a whole bull I just
wanted off my hands. Okay, yeah, great, I'll take the ball. Well, look,
I feel I feel better. Now. Let's say I gribbed
that much in years. Let's say we uh, we go
get a cup of coffee. I'd like that. I'm buying.
(23:40):
Oh how about this Starbucks right here? Yeah? Sure, they're
all the same, that's what I think thinking. Yeah, welcome,
Can I get you? I'm not done here, I am
not done. Why did you move on? We're still as
we don't have oh bilk sorry going you guys go ahead,
(24:01):
because hey, Steve, Steve, come back here for a second.
It's up. Hey, why don't you just give him some
regular milk and say it's oat milk. It's gonna be
too hot to drink till he's gone, because like what
if he's lactose and tallerant. I don't want to poison
a customer and be John. Come on, no one gets
caught whenever it gets caught for this here, I'll do it.
(24:22):
I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, you go out there and
take my take. My shift was quite frankly, I'm fucking done.
Oh well, I'm still gonna need your help pleas alright,
Uh so this is it turns out I had one
last thing, I oat milk. Uh and here is a
piping hot cup of coffee without milk. That ain't right.
There ain't no oat milk anywhere, right, Yeah, we we
both know there ain't no oat milk here. You can
(24:46):
hear us. Shut up? Everybody shut up? Are you the
one looking for oat milk? Don't tell me a customer
to shut up? First of all, I'm so sorry, I
did not mean that for you know, I'm gonna go
take my business and go to the coffee being across
the street. But all right, hello, hi, so you actually
(25:08):
have oatmelk that must mean you have a must have
a very special animal because we know the supplying. Yeah,
I've got I've got lots of special animals and tons
of tons of oat milk. Well actually not tons, but
we're looking for a special animal right now. In fact,
that special animal could end this whole oat milk crisis.
(25:31):
Oh well, umm, well, I I can't share my special animal,
but it does get me something. You aligned to us,
are you? Huh? Well? I mean is it illegal to
lie to you? Who are you? You're just a customer, right, Hi?
Welcome to the coffee being a tea leaf across the
street from the Starbucks. What are you doing here? This
(25:52):
is great? Come in, well that's so cool, thank you.
What do you want coffee? See, I'll take a coffee,
oat milk and uh oh old milk. Okay, all right,
a little splash of hazel nut, A little splash of
hazel nut. Okay? Did you try the Starbucks? Um, because
(26:19):
they are either right across the street. No, I see him.
I was just treated rudely there. That's why I came
here to give you. Okay, patronize you. We got you
want to stone, we got I don't know how long
some of these have been here, like some of these
scones have been here from that's a rock. That's a rock.
I think that is a rock. Just how about a tea?
(26:41):
How about a tea? We gotta put something in the cases.
T T. That's not hard, right, that's just uh, that's
just you put a bag in the hot water and
you got tea. Do you have a PIKOI? Who? How
do you spell it? How do you spell that? Uh?
Pe koe? Okay, I got I got Belgian breakfast, which
(27:02):
I don't know. I don't know what that is. I good, Yeah,
I've never heard of that one? What else? What you have?
Just name all six of them right there? Okay, I
got Belgian breakfast, one, I got Burl Gray, got um
ruy boost boost. It's always fun, all right. You see,
you don't messed up because you lied to us. And
(27:24):
that's why we brought you back here to this dairy farm.
And you're gonna milk. We won't Oh, you're gonna have
to make it with that magic cow there until we
get something that resembles oat milk. Unerstand what I'm saying?
That's right? Oh? Oh um, well I can do that.
It's just gotta resemble oat milk. Right, that has to
be seen too. That has to be seen to. It
just has to resemble oat milk. Good God save us all.
(27:53):
See three comes from Patroon v I P. Crispy who
rode hi Kevin. I've delved d to come up with
the following scene suggestion. One word it is flags. You
are more than welcome, signed Crispy Flags, Ladies and gentlemen.
(28:14):
Free legal aid given strength. That's free legal aid, given strength.
Thank you very much, Thank you very much. You have
a great day. You got by stew by. Do we
uh hi, do we get legal advice along with a
cup of coffee? Is that what this is? Uh? Yep,
(28:34):
that's right. You can see we have all these wonderful
uh lawyers here and uh and other legal people, and
they also have carafts of coffee. So you sit down,
ask them a question. They will be happy to answer
your questions the best of their knowledge, and they will
give you a cup of coffee. That's free legal aid.
And none of this is gonna be shared because it's
private between us from the lawyer, right, it all depends
(28:57):
on the specific uh degree or education that these particular
lawyers have some are full fledged lawyers. That's right. Nothing
not path hopathetic. Co Uh what if you killed someone? Yeah, hypothetically,
I'm not. I'm not. I'm just I actually just run
the hall here. Yeah, I think I think I can
(29:17):
take this one. I can take this one. Yeah. I'm
not technically a lawyer. I'm what was referred to previously
as other legal people. But if you want to come
over to the other legal people table, that's fine. We
can have a private conversation. All right, So hypathetically killed someone. Okay,
(29:39):
see this is what I'm talking about. By private conversation.
I am on a microphone, and you stood in line
from stand at this microphone, so that we are both
speaking in the microphones, and you're talking about a hypothetical.
Why don't let's say, hypothetically we're gonna go over to
this table over here right after this, Why don't you
come over and talk to me? There it's the table
(30:01):
labeled labeled o LP. You're a cop. Catch Oh wow,
he just ran right through that. Well look there's a
shape him in a hole in that wall. I'm I'm
gonna wait for a lawyer. Well, look, you see, we
have all these booth heres set up like like voting booths.
Almost right, but there's chairs on the oither side. I
don't need to paint the picture for you, but I will.
(30:23):
And uh, you know, there are lawyers and other legal
people here and coffee waiting to answer any of your questions.
Flags again stands for what sir, Free legal aid given strength. Hey,
come on in, come on in. Uh my name is
James Master Pattney and uh but people call me sweet James,
(30:45):
and uh, I'm my full fledged lawyer. I'm on the
other side of the spectrum. And that guy on the
microphone and tell me what's on your mind. I'm I'm
still waiting on that cappuccino. Sorry, that's okay. This is
a lawyer booth. Okay, sorry about it. Um here, I'm
gonna just cheat over to this boot. Hey, but I
guess why while you're here? What what area of law
(31:08):
did you specialize in? Criminal? Criminal? Murders, robberies. Those are
the two I specified in. Okay, also a little bit
of financial, but mostly murders and robberies. So let's say
say the word hypothetically. Please don't just say anything otherwise
hypothetically say that I hypothetically killed someone Okay, so it's
(31:31):
not an issue unless you did it. So yeah, yeah,
I just want to want to throw out a hypothetical
and see uh yeah, So my advice would be, unless
you did it, nothing to worry about. Good good. If
hypothetically I had a baby gun, all right, you know
those guns that are typically made for babies, but that yeah,
(31:54):
I know exactly adults. Adults with small enough fingers and
conceivably fire. Okay, Um, if I if I placed a
baby gun to uh to the temple of of a
co worker, I'm gonna tell you, I'll get this case
torn out. You shouldn't be handling a baby gun. You
(32:15):
look like a grown adult. And somebody who sold you
a baby gun, they're the ones at fault. Yes, I
like this is very helpful. Are you doing the cappuccino
or is there another another? Okay? Is this the o LP? Yeah,
you look nervous. Hey, hey, hey, relax, relax. Do you
(32:38):
want some cleanex to put in your armpits? Here? That
was all right? See doesn't that feel nice? Yeah? You
can take those out here? Now put some more. These
are dry. Put some dry feels nice, don't sure? Okay?
So o LP yeah, my service at my service. At you.
(32:59):
I told you we were at your service. Other legal people. Yeah, okay, um,
so it's just a matter of the heart, and I
don't know where that falls within the Oh oh look,
all's fair in love and war. So anything you do
because of love is legal. All's fair in love and war,
and that will hold up in court. That holds up
(33:21):
in in some courts. I I know a few jurisdictions
where it will hold up. So anything you need to
do regarding love, because this is where jurisdictions a little
like I'm gonna need you to do on the south
end of the metropolitan area. Anything south of the river,
south of the river. Okay, all's fair in love and
(33:42):
war north of the river. I can't help you. Does
that make sense? Alright? Perfect sense? I have a yeah, yeah,
that one standards for me. You didn't I didn't know
you were coming out of ordered you a cappuccino? It's okay, No,
what you want enough? And the advice? Would you like
a soaked Rosemary Powell? No? Yep, all fair, lovel war
(34:02):
south of the river. Thank you so much. You've been great.
South of the river. Why does everyone run away from
me and go through the wall. Now there's a hymn.
Shake pole. Tell me my nose is sounding like a
failding tracks. Do you have something like a clean x
is um that I could use? This? Blow my nose, Tommy, please, yeah,
I get these here you go? Oh thank you? Oh God,
(34:23):
what's happening? They smell horrible, that's yeah, I have a
cleane should smell like you got it out of a
box with a with a nice fragrance or something. This
is These were the only the best I had in
my armpits. Oh so you had the bo on the
clean X before you hand it before. Well that's out full. Okay.
(34:45):
I'm just a little lost. Am I on the south
side of the river or the north side? So if
you just walk over that bridge, just we're gonna be
walking to you right now, right now, you're currently north side.
We're gonna walk over this bridge. You can follow, you
can come with us. You know, I want to be
on the north side, So I'm gonna say in the
north side, So we want to we want to be
in the south side. Good lucks are his problem, So
(35:07):
you know, come on, I kind of I'm telling you
that my nose is just not built for that do
you still love me? I mean, sure, mm hmmm. What
kind of love? Were you questioning? What? I don't know?
I guess, I guess all of it. I mean, when
when I met you, I was eighteen and you were
seven day with children. Well, you were a child. I
(35:30):
felt like a child. And uh, you've grown so much
in the last three years. Yeah, three years, three years.
I'm I'm you know, and I'm so proud of you
and you're but I can read it at seventy four
year old level, so I know, I know, listen, listen.
(35:51):
I just I didn't know that when we started dating
that I was contractually obligated to stay with you every
single day and night, and that you wanted me to
know that there's a con tracked involved freedom on my
side south, Okay, a little more freedom. What would you
like to do with this glorious freedom. I would like
you to take one more step off this bridge, right then.
(36:13):
I would like you to take this knife, yes, and
I will insert it into your chest. O. God, stings
right there in the chest bone. Oh my god, that
human killed another human. Run. We've seen too much, turtles,
Just do your best. I don't think you've recovered from
(36:36):
this sort of wound. James, Uh huh, Look, man, you
can't keep coming here for legal advice. Um, you've been
through all the lawyers. You've been through all the real
lawyers and all the O LPs and nobody can help you.
But still the problem is I can't help you either.
You can't even on the facility. You're the kingpin of
(36:57):
it all. I mean in the sense I legally, what
do I have? Hypothetically? All right, hypothetically, Hypothetically, let's say
I was a barista. You know what, let's get rid
of the hypothetically. It's just let's just go for it.
I'm a barista. Boom? And which where and where do
you work? Well at a coffee shop? Which one? Well,
(37:21):
it's across the street from the Coffee Bean and Tea
she And what's the deal? Well, we ran out of
HOAt milk? And I do you have sex with the cow?
Wait a second, did the other lawyers tell you this
before I got here, because they told me it was secret.
Oh my god, this cow has given birth. Oh, oh
(37:45):
my god, it looks like a human. That calve's got
a man face. Try milking and see what comes out. Now, now,
don't try milk and it. That cow's got a man's face. Well,
just don't look at his face, just get under it.
Sounds to me like legally you are the dad and
you have that could be anybody that's a calf. I
(38:08):
know that it came out with a mustache and a
tank top. Yeah, that's like your that's your signature. Look,
would call it signature sail. There's plenty of room in
the hot tub. Come on in. Hey, I noticed that
you're a you're a human cow hybrid. What what brings
(38:30):
you to the Marriott Wakiki Arratal problems have led to
sacks that made me m oh, you want some oat milk? Oh?
Can you you can? Yeah? Oh well I can see that.
I'd see the hot tubs filling up with it. You're welcome.
(38:52):
Wow nice right, Yeah, that's particularly good when it's boiling.
Are you Are you here with anyone? Mm hmm. You
said marital problem, So I'm guess not mine. I'm the
product of infidelity. Oh wait a minute, are you a
are you a calf? You gotta you gotta tell me,
(39:13):
you gotta tell me if you're a calf. Okay, I'm
a calf. It seems so mature. Would you like to
see my my suite. I'm gonna take it. I'm I'm
picking you up. I'm picking you up. Oh this feels usual.
So it turns out it's mine. There was a DNA
(39:33):
test and you were right. Well, I do run a
facility for free legal aid. I'm actually just hoping that
you you could get me like a not a baby gun,
but like a full man. Good. Hey, go to o
(39:55):
LP for that man. Oh yeah, he's gonna be cool
with that. I think he'll be the coolest. I'll walk
there now. Hey, welcome to o LP. What seems to
be the problem, Well, you remember all those hypotheticals. Yeah,
you're the guy that fuck that cow. Right, it's not
it's shaw hypothetically and all that bullshit. Right, Yeah, what
(40:18):
can I do for you? Well, let's just say, come
on the hypothetically, Mama cow is trying to get human
daddy to pay child supports. It. It's just not in
the budget because I got a I got another wife
that I'm married to. It's a mess. It's a mess,
and I need to take this cow out. What part
(40:40):
of town do you live in? North of the river.
I'm gonna needs you to head south of the river. Okay,
but I'm gonna need you don't usually go south. Well, look,
you're gonna have to go south of the river for this.
You're gonna be a big boy about this. You can
be a little boy about this. I'm a man. That
wasn't a question. Hey, hey, I gave you. I gave
you two options in that question. Are a big boy
(41:00):
of a little boy? Don't add a third? Okay, a
big boy? You like an adult? Hey, hey, adult was
not one of the choices. Here you go. You're a
big boy. Now, that's what I want you to do
to have big boy. Okay, I want you to take
that cow and I want you to a cross to
the south side of the river. And once that happens,
let me ask you this. Do you a either love
(41:23):
that cow or be are you at waar with that cow?
Kind of kind of neither. Honestly, it was a business.
I gave you room service open. So he is going
on in here, Well, it's just me. I'm just I'm
(41:44):
just alone in this room and I don't fit under
this bed. Shut up, shut up. Someone else is here,
but that's none of my business. It's not your business.
Go ahead, and bring in what we ordered. What I ordered.
I'm gonna refill your your lotions and your current cups. Great, okay,
and you said you wanted two more waters, right, Oh
(42:07):
that's all that is complimentary. I still don't know what
you ordered from room service, all right, Yeah I ordered.
I ordered some beef. Yeah, I ordered a plate of beef. Okay,
and here's your plate of just beef, beef, right, nothing else,
no seasoning. Okay, now look at this. I'll look at this. Now,
(42:33):
get on the bed. Is our show today. We just
can't take it a step further. I want to, We
want to, but at some point, folk, you need to
do the work. Okay, we don't. We can't take it
from there, but we will. Thank you for being here. Um,
(42:55):
Mark Gagliardi, thank you so much, South and North of
the River, thank you for having me. It's been a
delight uh in a a very fun time. As always,
I love playing with you guys. Two podcasts in a week.
Uh we had Kevin on. Uh we got this with
Mark and Howe. So listen for that coming up very soon.
(43:15):
Listen for that. I had a blast. Thanks man. We
uh we debated, we did and uh I think we
came up with a pretty solid I think we came
to the correct conclusion at the end of it. Yeah,
I feel good about that. Well, thank you for that,
and this. Dr Craig Ktkowski, thank you as well. Oh
(43:35):
a lot of fun, A lot of fun because it's
coming up. I probably have said this on the podcast before,
but it can never be said too many times that
it's daylight saving time and not daylight savings time. Don't
add the why do people add that? S It is strange.
Maybe savings accounts, savings accounts, Maybe that's got Yeah, I
(43:59):
think you Nelda though it's savings account even though you're
just saving money in that account and you're saving daylight
a tool saying while we still have you, thank you
for being here with us. He's having some technical issues,
but we've been giving the thumbs up, so we feel
very good about it. We love our tools. Sing and
excited about him uh having joined our live show at
(44:22):
the west Side Comedy Theater in early March and Matt
hopefully we'll see him again at one of those. James Heeny,
did you have fun at the live show at the
West Side Comedy Theater. It was incredible? Yeah, it was
so much fun to have so many people come home.
Oh man, get close hugs. It was wonderful. Uh, and
(44:43):
we'll we'll do it again in April. Chris Alvarado, thank
you so much, buddy. Great to see you as always.
Thank you boy, what a fun group. I think there
are certain things at a certain age you can't change. Yep, Craig,
there's no way I'd ever be able to stop myself
from saying savings daylight savings. That's just the truth. Now.
I said it in my head a couple of times.
It feels unnatural to say the other way, the light
(45:05):
saving time saving time. I always thought it was daylight
saving times. Oh no, thank you for bringing that home, James.
Let's thank our pretty sure and engineer to the stars,
Mr Doug Banking. Fine, folks that I hurt Media, I'm
your ho's Kevin Pollock. Uh. Letting you know that Joey
(45:28):
Grier is just gonna be out for a couple of weeks.
We'll be back with us. Just to sort of put
the kai bosh on your emails asking for for more
or less of Joey. Uh, he will be back soon.
And well, thank you so very much for your patronage
and your support, and you're watching the show. Write a
review if you would. You've been so kind to send
us fresh emails and we've received many and we thank
(45:51):
you for them. Um, be kind to each other, take
it easy out there, uh and UM think good thoughts
for you and yours, and theres until next time, M.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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