October 22, 2019 • 55 mins
Uni-Body Part Group Therapy; Feuding Ferry Captains; Haunted House Reality Show.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, Kevin Pollock here. I wanted to invite you
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(00:44):
the shows. We'd love to have you as a Patreon
member again. Go to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this,
and thank Welcome back to another episode Alchemy This. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin Pollock. Geez um,
I don't know. Can you tell me when you first
noticed I had quote such a soothing and Ordan tok
(01:05):
skating voice, But I digress. Let's mean a rock him is?
Shall we know particularly order? Please say hello to Craig
A cowskcakatoa east of Java. How do you like your coffee?
Not at all? Don't rink the stuff, never touch al right,
so I don't know. Change the thermostat because Joey Greer
(01:26):
is here. Make it chilly, Joseph and Rye, hold the
pickle in your ainus. I once saw you eat chocolate
cake while stone looking like a cow chewing its cud.
But I didn't sense that was your favorite dessert. What
is oh wow? Favorite desserts? Um, I guess it'll be
(01:48):
you also correct answer. Start the cab and grab the cat.
It's returning champion Caroline Catter Caroline around the block. What's
your least favorite thing about Joey Greer? Oh? I think
like his face and personality. We would take either, so both.
(02:09):
It's kind of pick up your NDEs. Someone like James
Heeney in Jim Jack, j Jack and nuts. Uh. There's
gonna need to put the under were back on when
you coming home? Well, I'll be home tomorrow at this
time right in the Chicago and area. Great, Yeah, where
(02:30):
can folks see you, they will. It's they're never gonna
catch me. I'm gonna be in and out in no time.
But here's one thing I want to say. We have
family said, send us pictures of your menial jobs. Are
boring things that you know, really do it because I've
got a plan. So you're saying. When people write in
and with a scene suggestion, they often started by saying
(02:51):
how much we make him laugh during their menial job?
You would like photographs or video of them at this media.
I would like a photograph of the location. If they're
in it, all the better. If they don't want to
be in it, they don't have to be in. When
you say ah, you mean we would like, because it
sounds like you're personally asking to add to your own Yes,
we would like there we go, yeah, and we'd bring
(03:13):
the show people. I I yeah, we the show would
like pictures of your job. Please follow James's convoluted requests
and send all of your photos of you would work
to um I guess our Instagram account, give him his
personal addressersmail to him okay, James Heeney at six to nine,
(03:35):
than sending you one now okay or at your your
name here. I'll give me this dot com the email address. Also,
we'd love to anything anyway you want to get involved
in the show. Damn it, I like it. Heah say
hello tomorrow, Cagle Ardi, Who are you telling to do that?
(03:57):
Just show James j Mark, it's nice to see you. Doctor.
Gags are the amazing humpback Shetland pony. When the chicken
did in fact cross the road, did he a get
to the other side be burned down the Chick fil a?
Or see he stopped, sat on an old stump and
wrote a riddle about people trying to cross the road.
(04:18):
O D all of the above and it will be
on the news tonight. You guys nailed these questions right
spot on. All right, let's get to our first scene show.
I should mention, of course, we really need you folks
to stop at this very moment, no matter what you're doing,
and write a review of the show. I'll give you
(04:38):
the next thirty four hours thirty four hours to write
a view review for the show. We greatly appreciate it.
Apparently it's what's needed to keep us hunting the air.
Is that where we are? Okay? In your ears? Is
what I really meant. We greatly appreciate that. Thank you. Oh.
Today's scene suggestions were gathering from our listeners emails. If
you'd like to some of yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(04:59):
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our
first scene comes from Dave, who wrote, I just finished
listening to quote the next Great Tech Company in the
Questionable Renters episode and was shocked when I could relate
to one of the characters. You see, I am a
survivor of tescular testescular cancer YEP. One of my balls
(05:23):
tried to kill me, so the doc took it off,
leaving me a little off balance. I chuckle a little
anytime someone unknowingly does a double on tender referring to
one or two nuts or balls, or leaning to one side.
I'm a big fan and I have listened to every
episode for everyone in the room. By the way, Dave
(05:43):
is not uncomfortable. UH. Favorites include when the Organs fought
for dominance of the body they were in. I do
remember that one was a great one, and when the
genius Toddlers broke out of the daycare quote Chicken is
Church yeah, I've got a couple of emails now requesting
we make a T shirt saying chicken his Church that
(06:05):
resonated with people, although grears looking at me like his
no idea what I'm talking about? You, okay, should be
uh the secret catch phrase in this case uh for
alchemy this chicken, Chicken his Church. My scene suggestion expands
on Mr Uniball surprising a group therapy session where the
patients only have one body part instead of the typical
(06:27):
two when I went arm and so on. Chaos ensues
when the missing parts of some patients aren't publicly visible
m like kidney or in testical, and the other patients
think they are just there to steal undeserved sympathy. Joey,
I want you to focus on that one. He signs off,
Chicken his Church day. Al Right, everyone, just take a seat.
(06:51):
We can start today if we can. Tim appreciate it,
Thank you, appreciate the enthusiasm. Gloria. Always nice to see you.
Should we started up for you know what, I'm gonna
go ahead, and you don't have to be so loud.
Despite the fact that I have one ear, Okay, I
can hear you find out in my one ear. I
don't think he was speaking directly to you, Roger, so
(07:12):
your head was tilted towards him. So it sounds well,
I can hear, I can hear you find Roger that
thanks glor Uh. Last time a session we left off
with Steve. Yeah, so Steve, I felt like we had
some unfinished business. Yeah, it's it's you know, you don't
think it's going to be a problem. You think that
(07:34):
you hear you read book. I'm starting. I forgot what
dud was talking about. Is because you're looking at my nostril.
Don't because you're looking at my nostril, you don't keep
minutes right, let the man speak about that. You know,
you think that the world is moving forward, and you
don't touch a book by its cover, And then every
single time you get in line for fast food or
(07:54):
a different fast food place, a third fast food. Sorry, yes, please,
thank you, stop staring. Please. It's just that I can
see to the back of your head through that. It's
a big hole. Yes, it's it's got to do the
work of two. It seems like it does the work
(08:15):
of five or six. It's a huge nostril. It seems
a little compative. I didn't mean to be compative. I'm
sure you didn't, but that's how it's coming up. I said,
I'm sorry, Oh, I'm I'm sorry. No, it was that
you were mumbling it. I can hear find my inner
I still have two inner ears because my outer ear
(08:37):
was ripped off. Yeah, yeah, did you want to Did
you just notice that? Huh? Did you notice? I thought
he was just a dick. I didn't realize you had
one ear. You still just have the one dick though, Yes, right,
it's a little humor. I think it's good to keep
things light funny. He's is a lot of good jokes. Um.
(09:03):
I've been having kind of a hard time, as everyone knows.
My left butt cheek got burned off right recently. And
we're just saying you had trouble sitting down last time. Yes,
and so I appreciate that you had one less chair
this week, so I didn't have the option. That was
I thought thoughtful. Um, but I guess I just didn't
(09:23):
realize how much it kind of played into my life. Well,
as an outsider, I can tell that it's just onsider.
I don't. I'm sorry that was a mistake as an insider,
As a guy that's got one outsider and he screamed
at me, got on my face, and I can tell
(09:48):
it's your spit because you have bad breath, and thank you,
thank you. It's not a compliment. What I was trying
to say is that that one butt cheek is bigger
than any of the two that any of us have anywhere.
So you use me? Yeah, what do you mean? It's
not a good thing, Carl? You're batting a thousand a day.
What I don't know. I like to come to this
freak show and wow yourself me, Carl, Why don't you
(10:13):
speak for yourself? Listen? Why are you here as a
guy with just one intestine? It's rough, It is rough
going through every day life one intestine? You mean like
large and small, or like just one of the two,
or there pretty much one continuous And I don't want
to go into the horror story. You know what I think?
It's this is the safe place where you that's what
(10:36):
show of hands who would like to hear the story?
So well? What it is is that instead of having
a large and a small intestine, I had one medium
intestine and it wraps around twice as long as either
of the regular ones. So it but it's still it's Carl.
You feel you belonged here with that ridiculous you've said
that in past tense. Right, has anyone ever discriminated against
(10:58):
you because they can tell on the outside you only
have one intestine? Okay, I can't look at you. I'm
so sorry. Let me feel like it was a little longer,
you'd be an elephant man. All right, Oh my god,
I'm an asshole, yes, so far. So you don't know.
You don't know what it's like to have a single intestine.
Everybody here has to It sounds better than having to
(11:19):
just travels around a little more before it comes out.
It sounds like the exact same amount. It sounds like
that single one is doubled, which would be a small
and large. Well, the large intestine isn't technically that one,
you know what. That's not the point. I realized that
the point is that Carl's an asshole. Not true, Carl,
how about we get down to some of the difficulty
you've had assimilating into the rest of society, the way
(11:42):
that the rest of the group has. Well, a lot
of you guys can like it doesn't affect you. You
can sit down with your one but no, I can't.
I'm standing right. She's making a scene. Just sit down.
You want me to sit you want to watch me
fall down? Or I got my other one, my other Okay, yeah,
(12:13):
Now we have to kick her out because she doesn't
have one of the things. She has none of the things.
You guys were my family. She Get out of here.
Get out of here. It's the same space. Get here.
Tell my story, well, Carl, Okay, I was man enough
to admit I was wrong. I was wrong. She shouldn't
(12:34):
have sat. What's up with these small open flames? We
gotta put these out. It just shouldn't be on candlelight.
Candle light makes me set the mood better. That's why
I like these here whatever, al right, who else would
like to share today? I'll share? Okay, I I only
have let's say your name. My name is Josh. Hey, Josh, hey, Josh,
(12:59):
the one. We'll do that. You don't have to do that.
We want to make you feel Try it one more time.
My name is Josh. You're not giving us any space
to respond. I'm just trying to introduce myself. Okay, Hello,
my name is Josh. I Um, I only got one mode,
(13:25):
and that's to give it all. That doesn't count. That No,
we're talking about body parts. One mode does not count
that dawson't count and got an on switch? And I
give how many T shirts do you have layered on
you right now? And say things like that, I got
a whole bunch. I count seven. This one right here
(13:48):
says give it all or give nothing. This one here,
this is built tough, built, a tough Ford. That's just
a Ford T shirt? How did you find out about
this meeting and why did you think it made sense
that you would join us? Well, I was walking by
the bulletin board at the rec center and I saw
that there was the center the wreckreation. Okay, thank Carl,
(14:09):
thank you, You're welcome. And so there was trying to
specify which rec center. But yeah, sure, let's just fresh
over it on the center. Ford built tough right, great chassis? Uh?
And me too? Do you work for Ford? Which it's
a dreamcar? Myne? Al right, everyone's got one. No reason
(14:29):
yours shouldn't involve clear back panel, smooth interior. All Ice
just gets your story. Yeah, wait, smooth interior suggest that
other cars do not have a smooth And did you say,
all Ice, I gotta keep it cool. Okay. So you
saw the listing on the wreck board, and I said,
(14:50):
you know what, if this is a safe space for
people and they're going out there and they're telling their story,
I gotta go into the same thing. Okay, you know,
because I gave a hundred ten. All right, you want
to do this poor son of a bitch while he
shouldn't be here. Because my name is Josh. I just yeah, hey, Josh,
it's so hard to remember, Josh. We're all missing a
body parts. We all suffer because of it. You don't
(15:13):
think I suffer? Ye, No, because you give a percent constantly.
You can't ever turn off. I don't have the different
parts of you that we all glory to get you.
I'm standing, she shipped when she sees because she has
(15:33):
no butt cheeks. I'm so embarrassed. You guys can't kick
me out. No, Oh, that's where you're wrong. And then
Carl showed her to the door and they've been married
ever since. Seemed to comes from McCoy, who wrote, Oh God,
(15:55):
the pressure. I was recently on vacation in and around
in Seattle and learned about the politics that go into
the captainship of the fairies that go in between the
city and the nearby islands. Originally, the fairy captains were
the most fabulously wealthy members of society, and the islands
were built at their whims. I think it'd be hilarious
(16:21):
to see what how feuding fairy captains go about talking no, no,
taking out their rivalry on each other. You guys always
make me laugh, and I look forward to many future
ugly guffas at the gym. Cheers from Northern California. McCoy kent,
Well move, you're in my dock now. You're not gonna
(16:45):
make me move out of here, you sick fish. Oh
I'm the sick fish. That's like the sick fish, the
fastest feedboat on the Hudson. You're in my dock, lady, No,
will you? You mean no? Make me move my ferry
out of here. I can't make you move your ferry
and ferry seven hundred feet long, it's just slow barge
(17:05):
on the Hudson. I'm the fastest moving thing and I'm
getting in this spot right. Get out of here. How
many people can he carry on your ferry at one time?
That's sixty? Were you laughing at you? Because I can
carry sixty. Yeah, I'm laughing because that's a small number
to me. You're a small number to me. What does
(17:26):
that mean? How many can you fit? Five thou people?
Holy sh it? Up to one hundred tons, one hundred tons,
one hundred tons. It's just five thousand people. Respect I'm
terribly sorry, man, I'll get out of your slip. I
don't know if I want to take it. For five
thousand people on the ferry. That seems so overcrowded. What look,
how big my boat is. Seven. We have to get
(17:50):
the children and that. But we can take another ferry.
But that's the last farea of the day, and then
the water is closed for the weekend. Water it's closed,
and they got to do some con dittuction. Okay, well,
we definitely gotta get on a ferry up all right, Well,
I guess I'll take a six six six tickets. We're
not taking the neighbor kids. Why we're just taking our kids.
I'm not gonna take the neighbors kids. But they want
to go to that. Yeah, we want to go to Okay,
(18:13):
the parents should take them. We shouldn't take the kids. Really,
seconds before we get on the boat, we're gonna have
this discussion. I thought you were dropping them off here.
How would I know that we were bringing them? You
don't talk to him. Were in the car with us
from the bride from We said we were excited. At
what point dawn on you that we wouldn't bring them, Claire,
I we were bringing them. I don't think we're gonna
take them on the fairy ferry. Okay, Mark, hold on,
(18:34):
look now, look, this is sixteen dollars a ticket. You understand,
I do understand. I'm not going to pay that for
like you're not gonna pay I'm not gonna pay that. Sorry,
I don't. I hate to interrupt you, but if you
have kids that are not your own, it's thirty bucks. Okay,
not at all. Actually, all the all the kids are
our kids. You'll have to excuse my husband. He's a
(18:55):
pilot for American Oh, I understand, understood. I'm just so
the water makes you a little uneasy anyway. Still, it's
diuty bucks for the kids. And I can tell if
they're not yours because they don't look anything like you do.
Me favorite domentioned Sully. Sully the pilot makes you so
(19:18):
good because he can go in the air and the water.
How will let me tell you something? All right, there's
water in the air. I've driven through storm clouds, I've
driven through rain, and I call it driving. Why do
you don't have to make this point to me? I
just drive a ferry Bagdad will be a cheapass mark. Look,
I'm here here. They're gonna close the water mark. I
think I know what they're gonna do. Okay, Can I
(19:39):
write a check? I'm so embarrassed for my husband? Can
I write a check? Of course? We take check, oh
cash from from an airmand to a water and I
think we understand the game. Maybe there's some kind of
deal we can work out. You're gonna negotiate with the
How about I offer you a family deal for one
of my flights? Okay, well for a Emily deal. Okay.
(20:01):
Well it's me and I have two husbands. Okay, fine,
and then that's three people. It's great. I can do that.
Ma'am you and the yeah you in the middle seat.
Can I get you? You want to snack to go
with your your drink? Oh? Yeah? Can I have all three? Uh? Sure? Thing?
That's some biscolf cookies and a little bit of sheet cheese.
(20:22):
It's and some mixing, right, and I'm just gonna eat you.
You can't really put your seat back yet, we're not
we haven't hit the high I can't put the seatback.
I hate a deal um with the captain of a plane. Yes,
but you and you and these gentlemen can't do anything
my husbands. Can you not talk to my wife? LinkedIn?
Don't talk to a wife. It's just that, it's just
(20:45):
that when you made your deal, it didn't give you
carte blanche to do. What can we put why you
didn't give us the option If you're just gonna say,
keep it straight up? So it's an inch one inch back.
It's always been honest. If we get into an accident,
is really gonna madden? Just back? It's an a regulation.
And can you can you dry your laundry? Just hanging
(21:06):
like that? You want me to have damp clothes when
I arrive at my destination. But there are people in
the other seats around here. Do you guys mind that
I'm drying my clothes? No? Wait, we don't care. Looks
like the passengers don't care because you're a bit threatening,
you know what. I'm I'm terribly sorry. I'll just I'll
get your three snacks and thank you. I'm just gonna go.
(21:28):
What is her friend know? Anyway? Boys, what's new in
your life? My hunky boys, I've never pen on an
airplane before. We'll be ready for a nice flight today.
It's uh, of course me solely soldan burger. Oh, we
got to die water with this. We're going to take
a little dip into the Hoodson today. Jokes. This is
(21:52):
not a joke. I'm an air guy and a water guy,
and I'm going to prove it to you. So out
of all way. You know, we were just going in
l a X to Sanfords. This he's gonna go all
the way to the Hudson. We're gonna we're gonna start
hitting out de Weast. We'll see a lot of the
beautiful country today. We're gonna fly right over the Grand Canyon.
They go into the Grand Canyon for about there's a
(22:13):
lot of room down there, and we're gonna zoom up
into Canada for a bit and try to hit all
five great legs. Yeah, I just looked at the time
it says it's forty six hours the fight about four
six hour flight. But you know, we've got some clear
skies might get you in a little early around forty five.
(22:34):
This is Sully Sellenberger is signing out, great girls is exciting.
Welcome to American Airlines. We want thank you for joining
us on our flight. Please watch this video. Don't understand
why fight acting like a TV. Everything we do on
(22:54):
that flight, it's safety. It's the safety. Jocelyn Buckling, don't
text me justly. We've been in the air. We have
then you see, it's just please get I know, I
(23:15):
know you're sad. I know you're sad. I know you're sad.
I know you're sad. Trusting to put your head right here,
put your head right here. You're gonna be okay. You're
gonna be okay. Thet before you're here, they already know
when she's done freaking out. How soon can we get
up and use the shitter? You know what? Till the
(23:37):
captain makes that. This is your captain, Sey Slinberg again,
we're gonna have to make an emergency landing to take
care of a flight attendant in distress. Oh my god.
You know if you see her, she's having a rough day.
Let let her sing to you, Let her sing to you.
She's she just likes to express yourself through songs. So
(23:59):
we're gonna I'm gonna make a brief step in Laho.
What's that, Sacramento, Tinkle Tinkle, captain of the Fairy Guard.
We need you, We need your strength. Please please come
out from hiding, Tinkle, come out, Tinkle waiting for you,
Tinkle out. We need you, submits Tinkle Tinkle, captain of
(24:23):
the Fairy Card. I know who I am. We need
your arm, your blade, your wings, please, Tinkle. It's me Patricia, Hello,
Patricia and my twin sister, Matricia. Yes, Patricia and Matricia. Yes, Tinkle,
we need you. The fairies are in trouble. Oh but
(24:46):
have the fairies paid homage to me? Of course, and
we were just finishing up. We bring tear drops of
a unicorn, hair of a crab, the hair crab and
the tears of a unicorn. I feel my strength again. Yes,
what did you need? We need to wage war war rage,
(25:10):
rage wars. Yes, on the humans. Yeah, we want to.
We want we want to kill them. We want them
to die. Please Tinkle help us. We want to kill them,
murder them all. Okay, so we're waging war on the humans. Also,
we need to do what to the fairies? Oh, the
(25:31):
fairies are good. They also just need our help with
the captain of the fairy God. You have the armies
of the fairies that you're disposed please tinkers. So you
want me to disperse the fairy armies? Yes, takeshi in
my office for a second. I really don't have time,
but yes, yes, fine. Uh, We've just noticed on the
(25:51):
charts there's a lot of questions if people come to
you with requests and you just offer up questions, so
we would prefer it if you had some answer. Okay,
I'm gonna go through a list of questions or request
and then you see how many answers you can come up.
I feel like I just had a performance review like
six months ago. You did. It's every six months. It's
every six months. That seems ridiculously alright, fine, fine for
(26:15):
a question number one? Ready? Yes, um, turn humans into puppets.
Who is making this request again? You've started with a question.
What I'm looking for our solutions and ideas? Okay, Look,
this isn't an improv class, alright, I'm allowed to ask questions.
(26:36):
Sure if I'm if I'm confused by the order, I
can clarify. Okay, it'd just be great if you could
think on your feet when a request comes your way.
I can't turn humans into puppets, but context is important.
Another maple? Do drop? Tinkled martini? Who is somebody drink? You?
(26:56):
Did you order for me? Okay? Good? Yes, I will
take one there. Just thank you for answering my goddamn question. Tinkle,
I'm here for you. Come on, you're at the ferry bar.
It's not a tough week, I can see. Is that
tinkle over there? He tinkle fairy guys. Yes, yes, that's me.
(27:17):
That's me. While you look so down. Uh look I've
had a tough week alright. Oh you're telling me it's
tough for ferrymen everywhere out there. I had some big
landing of five thousand person seven hundred foot to try
to smush my speedboat out the way. We ferrymen need
to stick together. Yeah, we do, ferryman. Once you get
(27:39):
your shine backs, Oh look who it is? How about it?
Look who it is? What's the matter? You'd be afraid
to go under water and getting a submarine? Oh yeah,
I want me to turn him into a puppet. Just
how did you did you? I put that request in
months ago. I know, I know, but there's a lot
of you know, there's a lot the red tape serious boys,
(28:05):
sub boys, you know, the sub boys. Yeah, now, it
turned them all into puppics. Why would you do that
to my crew because you ah, that song hasn't changed
(28:26):
in years and it never goes into a bridge or
of course it's right, it's just where the sub boys.
You just been busting on balls in here for you.
You guys come in with their fingers snapping. I was
tired of it. Okay, I see. And how's your crew doing?
My crew? Yeah, that's just me and just me and
(28:47):
one other guy. Stinky. You still got stinky on the boat.
I'm the fairy guy. Yeah, yeah, I'm the fairy guy. Yeah. Yeah,
you want Stinky there he is? Yeah, no kid, I'm
the fairy guy. Yeah. He's been at the bit, he's
been at the end of the bar for two days.
Let's make sure you get across the river whatever body water. Yeah,
(29:07):
this is the guy you want on your boat. And
I have no crew, I say, all on a leaf
powered by a whisper. Right, And how's therapy working out
for you? Not good? Not good? Did you hear about
the new reports. What we're being sent out. The fairy
armies are emerging, the fairy army and the fairy army. Yes,
(29:33):
the emerging emergining. Yes, we were emerging. Yes, they emerging,
emerging like from the water, emerging from the or emerging
like two businesses. Yes, emerging like the ants. Yeah, or
emerchant like selling merch. Yes, it can't be. Yes to
all those kis. We're starting our own conglomerate LLC with
(29:57):
T shirts, hats as well as underway the equipment and
were forming together to strike at the heart of man. Okay,
well that sounds pretty good. The time of man is over.
It's the time of the fairy people. But what will
we do? Well, won't chat We do whatever we want.
But we're much smaller than all of those structures. If
we know it, and we won't foot Yeah, it would
(30:19):
be everything would be too big, like the bed would
be too big, or like a cup of coffee would
be too big. But we have the Captain of the Pharisee.
He can turn everything into public. Oh that guy's so
dumb and he sucks. Careful if he can't hear me,
if he's sleeping, and sleep thank you. He's never gonna
hear me, and he wouldn't execute me anyway, and his
(30:41):
daughter's best friend. I didn't say anything. Who dare and
salt the king of the fairies? I'm tell him it
was me? Who is sprinkles? And why what sprinkles? So
(31:02):
we answer the first You know, I think I might
actually get out of this, And how would you get
out of it? Um? I don't know how would I
and how the captain of the ferry doesn't mean that
(31:24):
I'm the leader? Now? Sure? Yeah, alright, folks, we're gonna sorry.
We've been in the air for a couple of days. Now.
I'm gonna go ahead and let the flight attendants do
another beverage service. And if you need to hang up
any of your laundry, this will be the time to
(31:44):
do that already dry. I just want to let you
know that there's a war between the fairies and the
humans on the ground right now. So we're just trying
to make a couple of loops, figure out where we
can land safely. Can I get you? Can I get
you three? Anything else? I'd really like I'd really like
to get into the pilot's cabin if I could Sully.
(32:10):
I'm a big fan, you know, And I'll take another cheeseburger.
All right, Well here's the cheeseburger. You just had that
in your pokey. Well they're already warmed up, just warm
and foil. It's been a couple of days. I you're
giving ou cheeseburgers. Yeah, yeah, we've been giving out cheeseburger
this whole flame. Yeah, I didn't want the cheeseburger is cold,
all right, give it to me. I'll put it in
(32:31):
my pocket. All right, anyway, come with me, sir, Thank
you cheese. Did all three of them want to go? Yeah?
I guess if you're offering, yeah, we'll go. I mean
we might as well. Oh, there's a bouncer, Idee. He's
my idea, and my idea. You never gonna believe my age.
You're old as ship. All right, Okay, you can't come in.
(32:53):
I'm the flight attendant. I'm sorry, I can't come in. Jeff,
we've known each other for twenty years. What do you
think I gonna do? Yeah? You don't want to talk
outside of work. So are we gonna do this again?
I guess? So, right in front of all these people
that would potentially go Sellenberger. Hearing this on the other side,
they're good to go in. You know what, I'm gonna
go sit. You know what I'm gonna do. You know
(33:14):
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go sing to some passengers.
I'm gonna go sing yeah makes do an emergency land
and have another like psychotic break with the last maybe
ye yeah fun? Are you free to going? Thank thank you?
So cool? Where's the pilot, ads Sole, Where the pilot?
(33:41):
Where the pot Where is he? I don't think there
is a pilot in here. It just seems like a
dance club. Hello, come into my coast, for I'm the
king of the fairies. Just wants to be the war
that we hear. That's right, I've taken over this place.
Sully retired, didn't you know that? No before, I am
(34:06):
not Sully. I Tinkle. Tinkle kept him in the air
for two more days, and they eventually landed in San Antonio, Texas.
Tinkle is going to become an icon and oh please
Tinkle t shirt from Daniel. Daniel here from San Antonio, Texas.
(34:30):
I wonder if you Tinkles drive way too much from
my day job, but it's all worth it because I
get to listen to y'all's hilariousness that I mentioned. Y'all,
thanks for doing what you do. Here's my idea, A
washed up child star has one last go at fame
in the form of a haunted House investigation reality show.
(34:53):
Oh yeah, looking forward to laughing so hard I almost die. Also,
my new favorite character are dark Web guy, the Italian
family that thought they were Irish and quote the question guy.
All right, thank you, Daniel. We take you now to
the Haunted House Investigation reality show. Yeah, so the whole
property self. I mean, as far as I know, he's
(35:16):
been buried around some really you know, a cult going songs,
there's a satanic ritschual's. There's you know, murders and whatnot
happening here. And uh, could I just ask one question? Okay,
when Tommy tom arrives. All right, he's the host of
the show. So your question has nothing to do with
the house, No it does, all right, could you show
(35:36):
him which house actually is haunted this one? Yeah, showing
you a house that's not Which room? Is there a room?
The whole freaking thing he's haunted. Man. That's not trying
to tell you, I know, but it would be good
for the show. Remember, this is a television show. I
understand that I brought you on your because I thought
you could help exercise these things. I mean, it's it's
it's really you thought we could get rid of the spirits.
(36:00):
In a miscommunication. Okay, we're here so that Tommy tom
can walk folks in the camera crew through the house
and find haunted spirit. Boss, Boss wit you when we
put the point me put the sound equipment, Steve. Yeah,
I'm having a conversation. Do you not see that? Yeah,
I know I see it. It's really thought it'd be
okay if you interrupted, It's real. It's it's like six
hundred pounds of gear on my shoulders right now, right,
(36:21):
and so you were hired to do to carry it?
Thank you? Yeah. So I mean this is the guy
who is in that horse show. Yeah, okay, these are
my Yeah, I mean we're kind that look. So he
became a ministers that he can exercise this, or he's
a television program host. This is a TV show. I
(36:44):
understand what it is. I'm just saying that, are you
because I thought you could help me cleanse the house? Okay, well,
there's been a miscommunication. He Boss you want these fog machines, Steve, Yeah,
same conversation, real heavy fog machines though, Yeah, I'd really
like to put these those are thought you asked Larry
to help you. Larry, Larry's on his break again. He's
(37:05):
been on his break all morning. Union. Sorry, it's a
union break. Cigarettes. Can a guy smoke as many as
I can? And don't don't try to interrupt him. We're
gonna strike. Thanks Larry, appreciate. Great to have you on
the team. So if I could, Mr Stein, Uh, which,
when Tom Tom comes shows up, please just bring him
to the most. Didn't do that. I'll make sure that
(37:26):
he sees it here. He is, Tommy, Tommy, great to
have you. Yeah, what what are we doing? Are we rolling? Sorry?
He's in a really bad mood today. Oh, you brought
your agent. Let's go. I'm ready to go, he's ready
to go. Let's do it. He's ready to do. Okay, Well,
we're about the half hour out, so then he'd send
it over to the makeup. Why am I here? Why
am I set? I'd actually like to talk to Tom
(37:47):
Tom before. I mean, there's some actual legitimate things you
should be aware of before. Who's this and why is
he looking me in the Eye's the house. He's here
to help facilitate our needs. So we kind of want
to be a ghost. I'm not possible. No, no, I'm not.
I'm okay, he says, he's not. Well, what it goes
in a minute. That's a good point. Tommy's got a
good point. What the funk? Look, I look, this place
(38:08):
is legitimately haunted, all right. I don't I don't understand
this whole Hollywood side of things. But people have died,
people have had the skin ripped off, people had his
eyes melted, and the teeth come out of the butt.
I mean, this really six ship has happened here? Can
get Tommy? Can you get off your phone? Can you?
Can you just listen to me here? I'm sorry, I'm
getting tents of texts and also sorry he has to
(38:29):
have his makeup done. Well, he's having this conversation with you.
We just don't have we don't have time. Don't have
the time. Hey boss, Yes, I just saw I think
it's a ghost back here. He's got teeth coming out
of his butt. Me teeth on the ground, Tommy, the
(38:51):
ghost was just here? How am I losing people on
my Insta. What Tommy, it's Tommy. I'm gonna buy some
more for you because it just bots? Is it bots?
It might be Okay, I buy you five thousand every week,
and sometimes Instagram goes through and delete them. So I'm
gonna go buy some more. Boys, if I could get
a second at your time? What when the ghost shows up?
In particular, we kind of need Tommy on point. Okay,
(39:13):
So why are you talking to me because my his
mommy seemed to be the only person he'll talk to. Yes,
that's because he loves me. Okay, great, and we have
a great working relationship. Let's let's see that happening when
the ghost appeared. Hey, boss, the union wants to strike
because of this ghost thing. Yeah, he's got some serious demands.
You're the spokesperson now for the union. Well yeah, I
(39:35):
mean I was the spokesperson for the union before and
then and then somebody else got the job. But but
he's on a break right now. He's been on a
break all morning. I'm not coming back from break until
there's no ghosts out there? Fair enough? Also, can I
put this sound gear in these fog machines down yet?
I need about six more minutes. Okay, now, sir, I'm
(39:57):
gonna get Tommy out of makeup. Ok it's almost sundown.
I'm not going to be in the house. Okay, Okay,
I cannot be here when something what happens, that's when
the wolves come out? Wolves? Yeah, ghost wolves, demon ghost wolves. Yeah,
but there goes. So really can't do anything to you
except run through your chest and rip your heart out
your back. But yeah, if you want to say nothing,
then yeah, I guess they don't know anything. Have you
(40:17):
seen that? Actual? Yes, I have. Hey, bus, Larry's got
some new wolf based demands. I aven't reading yet, but
here they are. All right, let's see we got no
just the ones with the yellow eyes. Is that possible?
Well you oh, yeah, that's the leader. The leader has
yellow eyes and they can separate as beans, so it
makes it looks like there's hundreds of them. Why is
(40:38):
this guy here again? Did you want I'll do a pick,
but no autograph. Okay, I don't want to pick up
and then to pick. Uh, make sure you tag my
professional account, not my personal account. You could follow him too,
that would be great. Please follow me follow up. You
gotta know this tomb you're in grave danger there engraved danger.
You have to understand, My god, do you have representation? Yes,
(40:59):
I have a lawyer. You're very good acting. Oh really,
I have to go. I have to go wear this amulet.
It's the only thing that can pretend you. Oh god,
this is so clunky, I know, but it looks good
on you. Yes, it looks good on your clunky frame.
(41:20):
Then by how are the effects that great? Right? But
the voices coming out of the walls? Yeah? Yeah, can
we just roll? We're rolling? Hey, guys, tell me time here,
um mental haunted house or so they tell me there's
demon ghost wolves who are going to rip through me.
And let's open this door. And what's going on here?
(41:42):
It's a guy with teeth coming out of his bike.
Can brush my teeth through me? Please? These are my hooves? Yeah,
that's me. So just gotta gotta get that catchphrase out there.
If we could just reroll on that. I want to
get that clean because that is something that we're going
to use for like promo. I feel like the ghost.
(42:06):
We're still rolling, so I take your own cue. Okay,
these are my hubs. That was really good. It was
that was clean tom Tommy, Babe, I love you you
know that. Okay, Now, look all right, the show is
doing fantastic. The entire cast and crew died except for you.
Love that. We gotta get more of that stuff. Okay,
(42:26):
but people are harder. They want to see tomp tom
These are my loves. I want to see back up there.
Uh yeah, I feel like these ghosts can't kill me
for whatever reason. I think it's an amulant baby, all right.
I don't know what it is, but it's glow's protecting me.
It's glowing and it's hot. Looks like it's see it
until your flesh right now, yeah, it is really well,
that's a good look. Good look Tommy. Now look we
want to put you on location in the ship. Right
(42:49):
location where in the ship? Okay, I don't want to
go in the ship. You have to, that's what them
ghost be. I don't want to leave the l a area, Okay, alright, fine,
Look we have in a cult setting going on, this
tane ridtual going down at one of the old Hudson houses.
All right, So once you just pop up over there,
say you have part of the group, will give you
all the paperwork to say that you legit. You get
in there, you kind of blow the thing up. You
save the version boom boom boom season through? What do
(43:11):
you think? Okay, fine, yeah whatever. Okay, so we're all
about to kill this virgin. Please shut the funk up. Please, Okay,
we're gonna kill you, Gloria. Ever since you took over
this group. I'm just saying, ever since you took over
this group? Here, okay, can we sit down? No? No chairs?
(43:32):
If I see a chair, I'm gonna lose. I'm gonna
I'm gonna give you a big one that you'll find
out and you're not gonna like. I'm gonna give you
a real big one if I see a chair, Okay,
making it seeing we have a handkerchief. Hey, guys, what's
going on? I'm also in this group. Okay, let's do
let's kill this chick. Let's do it. Let's carver up. Okay,
(43:54):
everyone get out your nie. Wait, there's a new guy.
Shouldn't we do? I'm just gonna sit down over here?
Is this? This is the new guy. He's a friend
of my Mom's down. As long as doesn't have a chair,
I don't care what he does. Do you the hooves guy?
Oh my god? What Tom? Tom? Tom Tommy Tom, Tommy Tom.
(44:17):
These are my hooves. Yes, I didn't know you liked
satanic occult. Look, I'm not here to talk about my career.
I'm here to sacrifice a virgin. Okay. I love the
film crew. Huh, film crew. Look, we're just doing a thing.
Arry's on a break, all right. Okay, Hey guys, save me.
I don't want to die. I don't want to die
(44:39):
the virgin, yes, of course. I mean, even without this
ritual going on, if you just looked at all of us,
you could tell she's the version. This is not good
for sound. Can we start again with the virgin? Please
me to speak up a little bit? Please help he
much better? Thank you? Alright, I'm too young. Okay, everyone
get out your knives and then account of I'm sorry
(45:04):
you the producer director? Yeah great, I'm thinking I want
to do something right now, just a little a piece
for myself to give it all. You want to give
it all? I mean, if I am trying to the
best I can. I think that's the only mode I
got is ten. You don't drive a forward, do you?
That's my dream of car? Do you have on? Yeah?
(45:25):
That's the one. Huh. Gold Champagne, Champagne. This guy's mode
is bugging men. Can we change his mode? Only one mode?
That's my disability? Gloria, What can you change this guy's mode?
I'll give you a big one. I'll give you a
big one to change your mondop on me. I think
(45:45):
it's just gonna Yes, I'm gonna take the biggest poop
I've ever taken. It's gonna be on you and it
will change your mode. I'm going to do it. I'm
lifting up my white road and it melted his whole body.
That's some powerful Is that good for you? Did that
change the mode? I think we got it on camera, Tommy,
You guys, I think some demonic spirits are literally here
(46:07):
because my amulance is searing into my flesh right now.
So why does your amulet's say Gloria backwards across it?
Who tested Gloria? I was looking in a mirror, so
it looked like you just said Gloria. Tommy, did you
want to say anything at all to the virgin while
we're on camera? Uh? Yeah, Look, I'm sorry that we
have to sacrifice you, but it's the only way to
(46:28):
pay homage to the two demons. And uh, you know,
I'll give you an autograph and a pick. Can I
ask one last request? Fine, I just I really want
to have sex with somebody, anybody. Then you won't be
a virgin, you know, Tommy, I'm sorry, baby, We're gonna
have the can of the show. What. Yeah, it looks
like people wanted you killing that virgin and all that.
(46:50):
So I'm sorry I was told to do. I just
did what I was told to do. Let me, tom
I know how it goes, baby, but look, the people
just didn't like if people weren't pe fucking ambulet off
of me. Okay, I mean, baby, look at seat and
do your flesh like part of me. Now it looks
like it's aid he had to your bone struck. There's
no way for me to rip it out with that
actually homing you. I can't do that legally, but you
(47:10):
know me. All right. Now, look, I'm gonna have to
ask you to get off the fucking lot and not
come back. We're not gonna validate your sucking parking. Alright,
you're done. Oh you're not gonna validate my parking. No, Tommy,
it's like fourteen dollars for a half hour. Well, you've
been here for three hours. I'll figure that ship out.
I don't know, Tommy, I don't know. How much is
that you didn't go to school, Tommy. You gotta go.
(47:31):
These are my hubs, Tommy, Tommy, these are my hub Tommy.
You're making it a lot sadder than it has to be.
A don't give me up the lot, Tommy, tom I can't.
I can't believe the meaning you Tommy. Tom It's my
seventeen con this year, and I just can't believe you're here.
(47:53):
So how much of the photos with you? Uh? It's
forty two was? Okay, that's an hour and a half.
Can I tell my brother and I when we were
seven and nine, we memorize the first three seasons of
these are my hosts, and I could play back any
of the scenes for you. If you pick a season
in a episode by number, I could, Uh, I could
(48:15):
recite it all right, um, season one, episode one, the
pilot's pass d peep peep. That's in every episode, right,
so it's always started? Okay, okay, shut up, deep deep up.
(48:35):
This is my house. Ah man, where's the box set?
Can I start over? No, there's a long line here.
Excuse me? Are you Tommy tom Yeah killed my fucking daughter.
What on television, you son of a bitch. I didn't
(48:58):
kill anybody killed. I saw the episode, and I was surprised.
Look I see the awful Okay, let's be precise, sir,
I was part of a demonic ritual that some of
the demon that killed your daughter. Please, Okay, I saw
the episode. I know everybody is guilty in your own way,
but but today it's got a gun. Got the guy's
(49:22):
got a gun. I've got an amulet. Okay, so an amulet. Fine, okay,
we'll give me that amulet. I'm not giving you the amulet.
Give me that. Good luck trying to pry it off
of my chest. Okay, I will. I will set this here. Okay,
Now I've got the gun. Put the gun down, you
side of a picture gun? Okay? Are you a virgin, sir? Me?
(49:54):
I have a daughter? Not anymore? Alright? Alright, maybe I have,
but it's besides the point. Give me back that gun.
We're all waiting to take a photograph. These people have
paid for a photograph and a autograph. Yeah, fourteen dollars
(50:17):
for half an hour. I paid thirty because I'm not
really your kid. Huh he not really your kid. What
you do not understand about that? Try to keep up, sir, Listen,
you killed my daughter. Give me my gun back please, No,
I'm keeping your gun. I'm keeping your gun. These are
my hooves. This is my comic con Okay, Tom, I'm sorry.
(50:41):
You can't sleep at the you can't sleep in the
rec center for the I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave.
What I found a spot. The convention's over, You're you're
gonna have to go. I'm gonna stay here. Tell me.
I'm sorry this we have to shutter it. I'm gonna stay.
Can you at least validate my parking. I can't do that.
I'm just a security yard. I validate my parking. I
(51:05):
have a gun. Tommy relaxed, all right, I'll kill you. Okay, okay,
I'll validate it here. Okay, thank you, you're welcome. Thank you.
Now kiss me? Oh my god, now let me sleep here.
Sorry I walked. I forgot my keys. I'm sorry. I
(51:27):
didn't see you didn't see me kissing Tom? Tom, No,
I did see that, but I was trying to say
I didn't to cover it up, right, I'm sorry. Um wow,
good for you. Okay, I'm gonna go well, sorry, sorry,
did you kiss me? I'm sorry? What's your problem? I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. This is Tom Tom. Okay, I'm gonna the
(51:52):
mood is sorial. What's going on here? I walked in
on this map, have to go. I have a kidden. Hey,
let's go at it. And that's a love fest for today.
(52:21):
So good. Oh that's our show. Let's go around and
thank everyone. Caroline Carter, thank you so much for joining
us again. You are a frothy delight to go to
my about that at some point? Yeah, tell us where
folks can fire their shows? Are their places of their
inter interwebs? Um, you know I do most of my
(52:42):
shows on my Instagram in a way, and you can
find that cotter poopter poop and c O T T
E R P o O P. That's correct. Yeah, lovely
Craig Kikowski at Kikowski on Twitter. Also at Craigslist peak
cast for my podcast and at Orange Tucks Improv for shows. Well,
(53:03):
can you tell us about the peak cast. It's called craigslist. Uh,
it's uh, we're counting down my one favorite movies, me
and my wife Carla. She has to watch them. She
has one more refusal left, which she's going to reserve
for number one. Yes, okay, yeah, she's already told me that.
All right, let's looking forward to more episodes of that podcast, Mark. Yeah,
(53:29):
thanks for having me uh at Mark Gags on Twitter
and Instagram. Uh. Last Wednesday of the month at Dynasty
Typewriter with worked use improv h every week a new episode.
If we got this with Mark and Hell and Blood
and Treasure now on Amazon Prime and you go back
to work on the seas we go to back to Montreal.
Exciting and I think this episode just dropped. Great. Yeah,
(53:50):
you're hello from Canada exactly. Dr James Heney. You can
go to the Real James Heney dot com and see
lots of James Heney content. Or if you want to
be live person at the West Side Comedy Theater on
the second and fourth Wednesday, so every month at nine pm,
you can come see us. If the show didn't drop
after our next live show, it will be in November.
(54:12):
It's the first Sunday of every month. If you're in
the Los Angeles area, specifically Santa Montica, combine and see
a live version of the show Joey Greery. You'll be
there at the next one, Okay, and between now and then,
I'll be waiting. Okay, good, it's good. Good, it's good
to know. Let's thank our engineer, please, Mr Doug Baine,
(54:35):
our post signe design artist Raphael, and I heart radio media.
We're losing him. I encourage all of you to write
a review, tell everyone you've ever met, and write to
us with your scene suggestion at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Until next time,
(54:56):
I love you so very much. And when up and
by w
Hey there, Kevin Pollock here. I wanted to invite you
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and thank Welcome back to another episode Alchemy This. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin Pollock. Geez um,
I don't know. Can you tell me when you first
noticed I had quote such a soothing and Ordan tok
(01:05):
skating voice, But I digress. Let's mean a rock him is?
Shall we know particularly order? Please say hello to Craig
A cowskcakatoa east of Java. How do you like your coffee?
Not at all? Don't rink the stuff, never touch al right,
so I don't know. Change the thermostat because Joey Greer
(01:26):
is here. Make it chilly, Joseph and Rye, hold the
pickle in your ainus. I once saw you eat chocolate
cake while stone looking like a cow chewing its cud.
But I didn't sense that was your favorite dessert. What
is oh wow? Favorite desserts? Um, I guess it'll be
(01:48):
you also correct answer. Start the cab and grab the cat.
It's returning champion Caroline Catter Caroline around the block. What's
your least favorite thing about Joey Greer? Oh? I think
like his face and personality. We would take either, so both.
(02:09):
It's kind of pick up your NDEs. Someone like James
Heeney in Jim Jack, j Jack and nuts. Uh. There's
gonna need to put the under were back on when
you coming home? Well, I'll be home tomorrow at this
time right in the Chicago and area. Great, Yeah, where
(02:30):
can folks see you, they will. It's they're never gonna
catch me. I'm gonna be in and out in no time.
But here's one thing I want to say. We have
family said, send us pictures of your menial jobs. Are
boring things that you know, really do it because I've
got a plan. So you're saying. When people write in
and with a scene suggestion, they often started by saying
(02:51):
how much we make him laugh during their menial job?
You would like photographs or video of them at this media.
I would like a photograph of the location. If they're
in it, all the better. If they don't want to
be in it, they don't have to be in. When
you say ah, you mean we would like, because it
sounds like you're personally asking to add to your own Yes,
we would like there we go, yeah, and we'd bring
(03:13):
the show people. I I yeah, we the show would
like pictures of your job. Please follow James's convoluted requests
and send all of your photos of you would work
to um I guess our Instagram account, give him his
personal addressersmail to him okay, James Heeney at six to nine,
(03:35):
than sending you one now okay or at your your
name here. I'll give me this dot com the email address. Also,
we'd love to anything anyway you want to get involved
in the show. Damn it, I like it. Heah say
hello tomorrow, Cagle Ardi, Who are you telling to do that?
(03:57):
Just show James j Mark, it's nice to see you. Doctor.
Gags are the amazing humpback Shetland pony. When the chicken
did in fact cross the road, did he a get
to the other side be burned down the Chick fil a?
Or see he stopped, sat on an old stump and
wrote a riddle about people trying to cross the road.
(04:18):
O D all of the above and it will be
on the news tonight. You guys nailed these questions right
spot on. All right, let's get to our first scene show.
I should mention, of course, we really need you folks
to stop at this very moment, no matter what you're doing,
and write a review of the show. I'll give you
(04:38):
the next thirty four hours thirty four hours to write
a view review for the show. We greatly appreciate it.
Apparently it's what's needed to keep us hunting the air.
Is that where we are? Okay? In your ears? Is
what I really meant. We greatly appreciate that. Thank you. Oh.
Today's scene suggestions were gathering from our listeners emails. If
you'd like to some of yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(04:59):
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our
first scene comes from Dave, who wrote, I just finished
listening to quote the next Great Tech Company in the
Questionable Renters episode and was shocked when I could relate
to one of the characters. You see, I am a
survivor of tescular testescular cancer YEP. One of my balls
(05:23):
tried to kill me, so the doc took it off,
leaving me a little off balance. I chuckle a little
anytime someone unknowingly does a double on tender referring to
one or two nuts or balls, or leaning to one side.
I'm a big fan and I have listened to every
episode for everyone in the room. By the way, Dave
(05:43):
is not uncomfortable. UH. Favorites include when the Organs fought
for dominance of the body they were in. I do
remember that one was a great one, and when the
genius Toddlers broke out of the daycare quote Chicken is
Church yeah, I've got a couple of emails now requesting
we make a T shirt saying chicken his Church that
(06:05):
resonated with people, although grears looking at me like his
no idea what I'm talking about? You, okay, should be
uh the secret catch phrase in this case uh for
alchemy this chicken, Chicken his Church. My scene suggestion expands
on Mr Uniball surprising a group therapy session where the
patients only have one body part instead of the typical
(06:27):
two when I went arm and so on. Chaos ensues
when the missing parts of some patients aren't publicly visible
m like kidney or in testical, and the other patients
think they are just there to steal undeserved sympathy. Joey,
I want you to focus on that one. He signs off,
Chicken his Church day. Al Right, everyone, just take a seat.
(06:51):
We can start today if we can. Tim appreciate it,
Thank you, appreciate the enthusiasm. Gloria. Always nice to see you.
Should we started up for you know what, I'm gonna
go ahead, and you don't have to be so loud.
Despite the fact that I have one ear, Okay, I
can hear you find out in my one ear. I
don't think he was speaking directly to you, Roger, so
(07:12):
your head was tilted towards him. So it sounds well,
I can hear, I can hear you find Roger that
thanks glor Uh. Last time a session we left off
with Steve. Yeah, so Steve, I felt like we had
some unfinished business. Yeah, it's it's you know, you don't
think it's going to be a problem. You think that
(07:34):
you hear you read book. I'm starting. I forgot what
dud was talking about. Is because you're looking at my nostril.
Don't because you're looking at my nostril, you don't keep
minutes right, let the man speak about that. You know,
you think that the world is moving forward, and you
don't touch a book by its cover, And then every
single time you get in line for fast food or
(07:54):
a different fast food place, a third fast food. Sorry, yes, please,
thank you, stop staring. Please. It's just that I can
see to the back of your head through that. It's
a big hole. Yes, it's it's got to do the
work of two. It seems like it does the work
(08:15):
of five or six. It's a huge nostril. It seems
a little compative. I didn't mean to be compative. I'm
sure you didn't, but that's how it's coming up. I said,
I'm sorry, Oh, I'm I'm sorry. No, it was that
you were mumbling it. I can hear find my inner
I still have two inner ears because my outer ear
(08:37):
was ripped off. Yeah, yeah, did you want to Did
you just notice that? Huh? Did you notice? I thought
he was just a dick. I didn't realize you had
one ear. You still just have the one dick though, Yes, right,
it's a little humor. I think it's good to keep
things light funny. He's is a lot of good jokes. Um.
(09:03):
I've been having kind of a hard time, as everyone knows.
My left butt cheek got burned off right recently. And
we're just saying you had trouble sitting down last time. Yes,
and so I appreciate that you had one less chair
this week, so I didn't have the option. That was
I thought thoughtful. Um, but I guess I just didn't
(09:23):
realize how much it kind of played into my life. Well,
as an outsider, I can tell that it's just onsider.
I don't. I'm sorry that was a mistake as an insider,
As a guy that's got one outsider and he screamed
at me, got on my face, and I can tell
(09:48):
it's your spit because you have bad breath, and thank you,
thank you. It's not a compliment. What I was trying
to say is that that one butt cheek is bigger
than any of the two that any of us have anywhere.
So you use me? Yeah, what do you mean? It's
not a good thing, Carl? You're batting a thousand a day.
What I don't know. I like to come to this
freak show and wow yourself me, Carl, Why don't you
(10:13):
speak for yourself? Listen? Why are you here as a
guy with just one intestine? It's rough, It is rough
going through every day life one intestine? You mean like
large and small, or like just one of the two,
or there pretty much one continuous And I don't want
to go into the horror story. You know what I think?
It's this is the safe place where you that's what
(10:36):
show of hands who would like to hear the story?
So well? What it is is that instead of having
a large and a small intestine, I had one medium
intestine and it wraps around twice as long as either
of the regular ones. So it but it's still it's Carl.
You feel you belonged here with that ridiculous you've said
that in past tense. Right, has anyone ever discriminated against
(10:58):
you because they can tell on the outside you only
have one intestine? Okay, I can't look at you. I'm
so sorry. Let me feel like it was a little longer,
you'd be an elephant man. All right, Oh my god,
I'm an asshole, yes, so far. So you don't know.
You don't know what it's like to have a single intestine.
Everybody here has to It sounds better than having to
(11:19):
just travels around a little more before it comes out.
It sounds like the exact same amount. It sounds like
that single one is doubled, which would be a small
and large. Well, the large intestine isn't technically that one,
you know what. That's not the point. I realized that
the point is that Carl's an asshole. Not true, Carl,
how about we get down to some of the difficulty
you've had assimilating into the rest of society, the way
(11:42):
that the rest of the group has. Well, a lot
of you guys can like it doesn't affect you. You
can sit down with your one but no, I can't.
I'm standing right. She's making a scene. Just sit down.
You want me to sit you want to watch me
fall down? Or I got my other one, my other Okay, yeah,
(12:13):
Now we have to kick her out because she doesn't
have one of the things. She has none of the things.
You guys were my family. She Get out of here.
Get out of here. It's the same space. Get here.
Tell my story, well, Carl, Okay, I was man enough
to admit I was wrong. I was wrong. She shouldn't
(12:34):
have sat. What's up with these small open flames? We
gotta put these out. It just shouldn't be on candlelight.
Candle light makes me set the mood better. That's why
I like these here whatever, al right, who else would
like to share today? I'll share? Okay, I I only
have let's say your name. My name is Josh. Hey, Josh, hey, Josh,
(12:59):
the one. We'll do that. You don't have to do that.
We want to make you feel Try it one more time.
My name is Josh. You're not giving us any space
to respond. I'm just trying to introduce myself. Okay, Hello,
my name is Josh. I Um, I only got one mode,
(13:25):
and that's to give it all. That doesn't count. That No,
we're talking about body parts. One mode does not count
that dawson't count and got an on switch? And I
give how many T shirts do you have layered on
you right now? And say things like that, I got
a whole bunch. I count seven. This one right here
(13:48):
says give it all or give nothing. This one here,
this is built tough, built, a tough Ford. That's just
a Ford T shirt? How did you find out about
this meeting and why did you think it made sense
that you would join us? Well, I was walking by
the bulletin board at the rec center and I saw
that there was the center the wreckreation. Okay, thank Carl,
(14:09):
thank you, You're welcome. And so there was trying to
specify which rec center. But yeah, sure, let's just fresh
over it on the center. Ford built tough right, great chassis? Uh?
And me too? Do you work for Ford? Which it's
a dreamcar? Myne? Al right, everyone's got one. No reason
(14:29):
yours shouldn't involve clear back panel, smooth interior. All Ice
just gets your story. Yeah, wait, smooth interior suggest that
other cars do not have a smooth And did you say,
all Ice, I gotta keep it cool. Okay. So you
saw the listing on the wreck board, and I said,
(14:50):
you know what, if this is a safe space for
people and they're going out there and they're telling their story,
I gotta go into the same thing. Okay, you know,
because I gave a hundred ten. All right, you want
to do this poor son of a bitch while he
shouldn't be here. Because my name is Josh. I just yeah, hey, Josh,
it's so hard to remember, Josh. We're all missing a
body parts. We all suffer because of it. You don't
(15:13):
think I suffer? Ye, No, because you give a percent constantly.
You can't ever turn off. I don't have the different
parts of you that we all glory to get you.
I'm standing, she shipped when she sees because she has
(15:33):
no butt cheeks. I'm so embarrassed. You guys can't kick
me out. No, Oh, that's where you're wrong. And then
Carl showed her to the door and they've been married
ever since. Seemed to comes from McCoy, who wrote, Oh God,
(15:55):
the pressure. I was recently on vacation in and around
in Seattle and learned about the politics that go into
the captainship of the fairies that go in between the
city and the nearby islands. Originally, the fairy captains were
the most fabulously wealthy members of society, and the islands
were built at their whims. I think it'd be hilarious
(16:21):
to see what how feuding fairy captains go about talking no, no,
taking out their rivalry on each other. You guys always
make me laugh, and I look forward to many future
ugly guffas at the gym. Cheers from Northern California. McCoy kent,
Well move, you're in my dock now. You're not gonna
(16:45):
make me move out of here, you sick fish. Oh
I'm the sick fish. That's like the sick fish, the
fastest feedboat on the Hudson. You're in my dock, lady, No,
will you? You mean no? Make me move my ferry
out of here. I can't make you move your ferry
and ferry seven hundred feet long, it's just slow barge
(17:05):
on the Hudson. I'm the fastest moving thing and I'm
getting in this spot right. Get out of here. How
many people can he carry on your ferry at one time?
That's sixty? Were you laughing at you? Because I can
carry sixty. Yeah, I'm laughing because that's a small number
to me. You're a small number to me. What does
(17:26):
that mean? How many can you fit? Five thou people?
Holy sh it? Up to one hundred tons, one hundred tons,
one hundred tons. It's just five thousand people. Respect I'm
terribly sorry, man, I'll get out of your slip. I
don't know if I want to take it. For five
thousand people on the ferry. That seems so overcrowded. What look,
how big my boat is. Seven. We have to get
(17:50):
the children and that. But we can take another ferry.
But that's the last farea of the day, and then
the water is closed for the weekend. Water it's closed,
and they got to do some con dittuction. Okay, well,
we definitely gotta get on a ferry up all right, Well,
I guess I'll take a six six six tickets. We're
not taking the neighbor kids. Why we're just taking our kids.
I'm not gonna take the neighbors kids. But they want
to go to that. Yeah, we want to go to Okay,
(18:13):
the parents should take them. We shouldn't take the kids. Really,
seconds before we get on the boat, we're gonna have
this discussion. I thought you were dropping them off here.
How would I know that we were bringing them? You
don't talk to him. Were in the car with us
from the bride from We said we were excited. At
what point dawn on you that we wouldn't bring them, Claire,
I we were bringing them. I don't think we're gonna
take them on the fairy ferry. Okay, Mark, hold on,
(18:34):
look now, look, this is sixteen dollars a ticket. You understand,
I do understand. I'm not going to pay that for
like you're not gonna pay I'm not gonna pay that. Sorry,
I don't. I hate to interrupt you, but if you
have kids that are not your own, it's thirty bucks. Okay,
not at all. Actually, all the all the kids are
our kids. You'll have to excuse my husband. He's a
(18:55):
pilot for American Oh, I understand, understood. I'm just so
the water makes you a little uneasy anyway. Still, it's
diuty bucks for the kids. And I can tell if
they're not yours because they don't look anything like you do.
Me favorite domentioned Sully. Sully the pilot makes you so
(19:18):
good because he can go in the air and the water.
How will let me tell you something? All right, there's
water in the air. I've driven through storm clouds, I've
driven through rain, and I call it driving. Why do
you don't have to make this point to me? I
just drive a ferry Bagdad will be a cheapass mark. Look,
I'm here here. They're gonna close the water mark. I
think I know what they're gonna do. Okay, Can I
(19:39):
write a check? I'm so embarrassed for my husband? Can
I write a check? Of course? We take check, oh
cash from from an airmand to a water and I
think we understand the game. Maybe there's some kind of
deal we can work out. You're gonna negotiate with the
How about I offer you a family deal for one
of my flights? Okay, well for a Emily deal. Okay.
(20:01):
Well it's me and I have two husbands. Okay, fine,
and then that's three people. It's great. I can do that.
Ma'am you and the yeah you in the middle seat.
Can I get you? You want to snack to go
with your your drink? Oh? Yeah? Can I have all three? Uh? Sure? Thing?
That's some biscolf cookies and a little bit of sheet cheese.
(20:22):
It's and some mixing, right, and I'm just gonna eat you.
You can't really put your seat back yet, we're not
we haven't hit the high I can't put the seatback.
I hate a deal um with the captain of a plane. Yes,
but you and you and these gentlemen can't do anything
my husbands. Can you not talk to my wife? LinkedIn?
Don't talk to a wife. It's just that, it's just
(20:45):
that when you made your deal, it didn't give you
carte blanche to do. What can we put why you
didn't give us the option If you're just gonna say,
keep it straight up? So it's an inch one inch back.
It's always been honest. If we get into an accident,
is really gonna madden? Just back? It's an a regulation.
And can you can you dry your laundry? Just hanging
(21:06):
like that? You want me to have damp clothes when
I arrive at my destination. But there are people in
the other seats around here. Do you guys mind that
I'm drying my clothes? No? Wait, we don't care. Looks
like the passengers don't care because you're a bit threatening,
you know what. I'm I'm terribly sorry. I'll just I'll
get your three snacks and thank you. I'm just gonna go.
(21:28):
What is her friend know? Anyway? Boys, what's new in
your life? My hunky boys, I've never pen on an
airplane before. We'll be ready for a nice flight today.
It's uh, of course me solely soldan burger. Oh, we
got to die water with this. We're going to take
a little dip into the Hoodson today. Jokes. This is
(21:52):
not a joke. I'm an air guy and a water guy,
and I'm going to prove it to you. So out
of all way. You know, we were just going in
l a X to Sanfords. This he's gonna go all
the way to the Hudson. We're gonna we're gonna start
hitting out de Weast. We'll see a lot of the
beautiful country today. We're gonna fly right over the Grand Canyon.
They go into the Grand Canyon for about there's a
(22:13):
lot of room down there, and we're gonna zoom up
into Canada for a bit and try to hit all
five great legs. Yeah, I just looked at the time
it says it's forty six hours the fight about four
six hour flight. But you know, we've got some clear
skies might get you in a little early around forty five.
(22:34):
This is Sully Sellenberger is signing out, great girls is exciting.
Welcome to American Airlines. We want thank you for joining
us on our flight. Please watch this video. Don't understand
why fight acting like a TV. Everything we do on
(22:54):
that flight, it's safety. It's the safety. Jocelyn Buckling, don't
text me justly. We've been in the air. We have
then you see, it's just please get I know, I
(23:15):
know you're sad. I know you're sad. I know you're sad.
I know you're sad. Trusting to put your head right here,
put your head right here. You're gonna be okay. You're
gonna be okay. Thet before you're here, they already know
when she's done freaking out. How soon can we get
up and use the shitter? You know what? Till the
(23:37):
captain makes that. This is your captain, Sey Slinberg again,
we're gonna have to make an emergency landing to take
care of a flight attendant in distress. Oh my god.
You know if you see her, she's having a rough day.
Let let her sing to you, Let her sing to you.
She's she just likes to express yourself through songs. So
(23:59):
we're gonna I'm gonna make a brief step in Laho.
What's that, Sacramento, Tinkle Tinkle, captain of the Fairy Guard.
We need you, We need your strength. Please please come
out from hiding, Tinkle, come out, Tinkle waiting for you,
Tinkle out. We need you, submits Tinkle Tinkle, captain of
(24:23):
the Fairy Card. I know who I am. We need
your arm, your blade, your wings, please, Tinkle. It's me Patricia, Hello,
Patricia and my twin sister, Matricia. Yes, Patricia and Matricia. Yes, Tinkle,
we need you. The fairies are in trouble. Oh but
(24:46):
have the fairies paid homage to me? Of course, and
we were just finishing up. We bring tear drops of
a unicorn, hair of a crab, the hair crab and
the tears of a unicorn. I feel my strength again. Yes,
what did you need? We need to wage war war rage,
(25:10):
rage wars. Yes, on the humans. Yeah, we want to.
We want we want to kill them. We want them
to die. Please Tinkle help us. We want to kill them,
murder them all. Okay, so we're waging war on the humans. Also,
we need to do what to the fairies? Oh, the
(25:31):
fairies are good. They also just need our help with
the captain of the fairy God. You have the armies
of the fairies that you're disposed please tinkers. So you
want me to disperse the fairy armies? Yes, takeshi in
my office for a second. I really don't have time,
but yes, yes, fine. Uh, We've just noticed on the
(25:51):
charts there's a lot of questions if people come to
you with requests and you just offer up questions, so
we would prefer it if you had some answer. Okay,
I'm gonna go through a list of questions or request
and then you see how many answers you can come up.
I feel like I just had a performance review like
six months ago. You did. It's every six months. It's
every six months. That seems ridiculously alright, fine, fine for
(26:15):
a question number one? Ready? Yes, um, turn humans into puppets.
Who is making this request again? You've started with a question.
What I'm looking for our solutions and ideas? Okay, Look,
this isn't an improv class, alright, I'm allowed to ask questions.
(26:36):
Sure if I'm if I'm confused by the order, I
can clarify. Okay, it'd just be great if you could
think on your feet when a request comes your way.
I can't turn humans into puppets, but context is important.
Another maple? Do drop? Tinkled martini? Who is somebody drink? You?
(26:56):
Did you order for me? Okay? Good? Yes, I will
take one there. Just thank you for answering my goddamn question. Tinkle,
I'm here for you. Come on, you're at the ferry bar.
It's not a tough week, I can see. Is that
tinkle over there? He tinkle fairy guys. Yes, yes, that's me.
(27:17):
That's me. While you look so down. Uh look I've
had a tough week alright. Oh you're telling me it's
tough for ferrymen everywhere out there. I had some big
landing of five thousand person seven hundred foot to try
to smush my speedboat out the way. We ferrymen need
to stick together. Yeah, we do, ferryman. Once you get
(27:39):
your shine backs, Oh look who it is? How about it?
Look who it is? What's the matter? You'd be afraid
to go under water and getting a submarine? Oh yeah,
I want me to turn him into a puppet. Just
how did you did you? I put that request in
months ago. I know, I know, but there's a lot
of you know, there's a lot the red tape serious boys,
(28:05):
sub boys, you know, the sub boys. Yeah, now, it
turned them all into puppics. Why would you do that
to my crew because you ah, that song hasn't changed
(28:26):
in years and it never goes into a bridge or
of course it's right, it's just where the sub boys.
You just been busting on balls in here for you.
You guys come in with their fingers snapping. I was
tired of it. Okay, I see. And how's your crew doing?
My crew? Yeah, that's just me and just me and
(28:47):
one other guy. Stinky. You still got stinky on the boat.
I'm the fairy guy. Yeah, yeah, I'm the fairy guy. Yeah. Yeah,
you want Stinky there he is? Yeah, no kid, I'm
the fairy guy. Yeah. He's been at the bit, he's
been at the end of the bar for two days.
Let's make sure you get across the river whatever body water. Yeah,
(29:07):
this is the guy you want on your boat. And
I have no crew, I say, all on a leaf
powered by a whisper. Right, And how's therapy working out
for you? Not good? Not good? Did you hear about
the new reports. What we're being sent out. The fairy
armies are emerging, the fairy army and the fairy army. Yes,
(29:33):
the emerging emergining. Yes, we were emerging. Yes, they emerging,
emerging like from the water, emerging from the or emerging
like two businesses. Yes, emerging like the ants. Yeah, or
emerchant like selling merch. Yes, it can't be. Yes to
all those kis. We're starting our own conglomerate LLC with
(29:57):
T shirts, hats as well as underway the equipment and
were forming together to strike at the heart of man. Okay,
well that sounds pretty good. The time of man is over.
It's the time of the fairy people. But what will
we do? Well, won't chat We do whatever we want.
But we're much smaller than all of those structures. If
we know it, and we won't foot Yeah, it would
(30:19):
be everything would be too big, like the bed would
be too big, or like a cup of coffee would
be too big. But we have the Captain of the Pharisee.
He can turn everything into public. Oh that guy's so
dumb and he sucks. Careful if he can't hear me,
if he's sleeping, and sleep thank you. He's never gonna
hear me, and he wouldn't execute me anyway, and his
(30:41):
daughter's best friend. I didn't say anything. Who dare and
salt the king of the fairies? I'm tell him it
was me? Who is sprinkles? And why what sprinkles? So
(31:02):
we answer the first You know, I think I might
actually get out of this, And how would you get
out of it? Um? I don't know how would I
and how the captain of the ferry doesn't mean that
(31:24):
I'm the leader? Now? Sure? Yeah, alright, folks, we're gonna sorry.
We've been in the air for a couple of days. Now.
I'm gonna go ahead and let the flight attendants do
another beverage service. And if you need to hang up
any of your laundry, this will be the time to
(31:44):
do that already dry. I just want to let you
know that there's a war between the fairies and the
humans on the ground right now. So we're just trying
to make a couple of loops, figure out where we
can land safely. Can I get you? Can I get
you three? Anything else? I'd really like I'd really like
to get into the pilot's cabin if I could Sully.
(32:10):
I'm a big fan, you know, And I'll take another cheeseburger.
All right, Well here's the cheeseburger. You just had that
in your pokey. Well they're already warmed up, just warm
and foil. It's been a couple of days. I you're
giving ou cheeseburgers. Yeah, yeah, we've been giving out cheeseburger
this whole flame. Yeah, I didn't want the cheeseburger is cold,
all right, give it to me. I'll put it in
(32:31):
my pocket. All right, anyway, come with me, sir, Thank
you cheese. Did all three of them want to go? Yeah?
I guess if you're offering, yeah, we'll go. I mean
we might as well. Oh, there's a bouncer, Idee. He's
my idea, and my idea. You never gonna believe my age.
You're old as ship. All right, Okay, you can't come in.
(32:53):
I'm the flight attendant. I'm sorry, I can't come in. Jeff,
we've known each other for twenty years. What do you
think I gonna do? Yeah? You don't want to talk
outside of work. So are we gonna do this again?
I guess? So, right in front of all these people
that would potentially go Sellenberger. Hearing this on the other side,
they're good to go in. You know what, I'm gonna
go sit. You know what I'm gonna do. You know
(33:14):
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go sing to some passengers.
I'm gonna go sing yeah makes do an emergency land
and have another like psychotic break with the last maybe
ye yeah fun? Are you free to going? Thank thank you?
So cool? Where's the pilot, ads Sole, Where the pilot?
(33:41):
Where the pot Where is he? I don't think there
is a pilot in here. It just seems like a
dance club. Hello, come into my coast, for I'm the
king of the fairies. Just wants to be the war
that we hear. That's right, I've taken over this place.
Sully retired, didn't you know that? No before, I am
(34:06):
not Sully. I Tinkle. Tinkle kept him in the air
for two more days, and they eventually landed in San Antonio, Texas.
Tinkle is going to become an icon and oh please
Tinkle t shirt from Daniel. Daniel here from San Antonio, Texas.
(34:30):
I wonder if you Tinkles drive way too much from
my day job, but it's all worth it because I
get to listen to y'all's hilariousness that I mentioned. Y'all,
thanks for doing what you do. Here's my idea, A
washed up child star has one last go at fame
in the form of a haunted House investigation reality show.
(34:53):
Oh yeah, looking forward to laughing so hard I almost die. Also,
my new favorite character are dark Web guy, the Italian
family that thought they were Irish and quote the question guy.
All right, thank you, Daniel. We take you now to
the Haunted House Investigation reality show. Yeah, so the whole
property self. I mean, as far as I know, he's
(35:16):
been buried around some really you know, a cult going songs,
there's a satanic ritschual's. There's you know, murders and whatnot
happening here. And uh, could I just ask one question? Okay,
when Tommy tom arrives. All right, he's the host of
the show. So your question has nothing to do with
the house, No it does, all right, could you show
(35:36):
him which house actually is haunted this one? Yeah, showing
you a house that's not Which room? Is there a room?
The whole freaking thing he's haunted. Man. That's not trying
to tell you, I know, but it would be good
for the show. Remember, this is a television show. I
understand that I brought you on your because I thought
you could help exercise these things. I mean, it's it's
it's really you thought we could get rid of the spirits.
(36:00):
In a miscommunication. Okay, we're here so that Tommy tom
can walk folks in the camera crew through the house
and find haunted spirit. Boss, Boss wit you when we
put the point me put the sound equipment, Steve. Yeah,
I'm having a conversation. Do you not see that? Yeah,
I know I see it. It's really thought it'd be
okay if you interrupted, It's real. It's it's like six
hundred pounds of gear on my shoulders right now, right,
(36:21):
and so you were hired to do to carry it?
Thank you? Yeah. So I mean this is the guy
who is in that horse show. Yeah, okay, these are
my Yeah, I mean we're kind that look. So he
became a ministers that he can exercise this, or he's
a television program host. This is a TV show. I
(36:44):
understand what it is. I'm just saying that, are you
because I thought you could help me cleanse the house? Okay, well,
there's been a miscommunication. He Boss you want these fog machines, Steve, Yeah,
same conversation, real heavy fog machines though, Yeah, I'd really
like to put these those are thought you asked Larry
to help you. Larry, Larry's on his break again. He's
(37:05):
been on his break all morning. Union. Sorry, it's a
union break. Cigarettes. Can a guy smoke as many as
I can? And don't don't try to interrupt him. We're
gonna strike. Thanks Larry, appreciate. Great to have you on
the team. So if I could, Mr Stein, Uh, which,
when Tom Tom comes shows up, please just bring him
to the most. Didn't do that. I'll make sure that
(37:26):
he sees it here. He is, Tommy, Tommy, great to
have you. Yeah, what what are we doing? Are we rolling? Sorry?
He's in a really bad mood today. Oh, you brought
your agent. Let's go. I'm ready to go, he's ready
to go. Let's do it. He's ready to do. Okay, Well,
we're about the half hour out, so then he'd send
it over to the makeup. Why am I here? Why
am I set? I'd actually like to talk to Tom
(37:47):
Tom before. I mean, there's some actual legitimate things you
should be aware of before. Who's this and why is
he looking me in the Eye's the house. He's here
to help facilitate our needs. So we kind of want
to be a ghost. I'm not possible. No, no, I'm not.
I'm okay, he says, he's not. Well, what it goes
in a minute. That's a good point. Tommy's got a
good point. What the funk? Look, I look, this place
(38:08):
is legitimately haunted, all right. I don't I don't understand
this whole Hollywood side of things. But people have died,
people have had the skin ripped off, people had his
eyes melted, and the teeth come out of the butt.
I mean, this really six ship has happened here? Can
get Tommy? Can you get off your phone? Can you?
Can you just listen to me here? I'm sorry, I'm
getting tents of texts and also sorry he has to
(38:29):
have his makeup done. Well, he's having this conversation with you.
We just don't have we don't have time. Don't have
the time. Hey boss, Yes, I just saw I think
it's a ghost back here. He's got teeth coming out
of his butt. Me teeth on the ground, Tommy, the
(38:51):
ghost was just here? How am I losing people on
my Insta. What Tommy, it's Tommy. I'm gonna buy some
more for you because it just bots? Is it bots?
It might be Okay, I buy you five thousand every week,
and sometimes Instagram goes through and delete them. So I'm
gonna go buy some more. Boys, if I could get
a second at your time? What when the ghost shows up?
In particular, we kind of need Tommy on point. Okay,
(39:13):
So why are you talking to me because my his
mommy seemed to be the only person he'll talk to. Yes,
that's because he loves me. Okay, great, and we have
a great working relationship. Let's let's see that happening when
the ghost appeared. Hey, boss, the union wants to strike
because of this ghost thing. Yeah, he's got some serious demands.
You're the spokesperson now for the union. Well yeah, I
(39:35):
mean I was the spokesperson for the union before and
then and then somebody else got the job. But but
he's on a break right now. He's been on a
break all morning. I'm not coming back from break until
there's no ghosts out there? Fair enough? Also, can I
put this sound gear in these fog machines down yet?
I need about six more minutes. Okay, now, sir, I'm
(39:57):
gonna get Tommy out of makeup. Ok it's almost sundown.
I'm not going to be in the house. Okay, Okay,
I cannot be here when something what happens, that's when
the wolves come out? Wolves? Yeah, ghost wolves, demon ghost wolves. Yeah,
but there goes. So really can't do anything to you
except run through your chest and rip your heart out
your back. But yeah, if you want to say nothing,
then yeah, I guess they don't know anything. Have you
(40:17):
seen that? Actual? Yes, I have. Hey, bus, Larry's got
some new wolf based demands. I aven't reading yet, but
here they are. All right, let's see we got no
just the ones with the yellow eyes. Is that possible?
Well you oh, yeah, that's the leader. The leader has
yellow eyes and they can separate as beans, so it
makes it looks like there's hundreds of them. Why is
(40:38):
this guy here again? Did you want I'll do a pick,
but no autograph. Okay, I don't want to pick up
and then to pick. Uh, make sure you tag my
professional account, not my personal account. You could follow him too,
that would be great. Please follow me follow up. You
gotta know this tomb you're in grave danger there engraved danger.
You have to understand, My god, do you have representation? Yes,
(40:59):
I have a lawyer. You're very good acting. Oh really,
I have to go. I have to go wear this amulet.
It's the only thing that can pretend you. Oh god,
this is so clunky, I know, but it looks good
on you. Yes, it looks good on your clunky frame.
(41:20):
Then by how are the effects that great? Right? But
the voices coming out of the walls? Yeah? Yeah, can
we just roll? We're rolling? Hey, guys, tell me time here,
um mental haunted house or so they tell me there's
demon ghost wolves who are going to rip through me.
And let's open this door. And what's going on here?
(41:42):
It's a guy with teeth coming out of his bike.
Can brush my teeth through me? Please? These are my hooves? Yeah,
that's me. So just gotta gotta get that catchphrase out there.
If we could just reroll on that. I want to
get that clean because that is something that we're going
to use for like promo. I feel like the ghost.
(42:06):
We're still rolling, so I take your own cue. Okay,
these are my hubs. That was really good. It was
that was clean tom Tommy, Babe, I love you you
know that. Okay, Now, look all right, the show is
doing fantastic. The entire cast and crew died except for you.
Love that. We gotta get more of that stuff. Okay,
(42:26):
but people are harder. They want to see tomp tom
These are my loves. I want to see back up there.
Uh yeah, I feel like these ghosts can't kill me
for whatever reason. I think it's an amulant baby, all right.
I don't know what it is, but it's glow's protecting me.
It's glowing and it's hot. Looks like it's see it
until your flesh right now, yeah, it is really well,
that's a good look. Good look Tommy. Now look we
want to put you on location in the ship. Right
(42:49):
location where in the ship? Okay, I don't want to
go in the ship. You have to, that's what them
ghost be. I don't want to leave the l a area, Okay, alright, fine,
Look we have in a cult setting going on, this
tane ridtual going down at one of the old Hudson houses.
All right, So once you just pop up over there,
say you have part of the group, will give you
all the paperwork to say that you legit. You get
in there, you kind of blow the thing up. You
save the version boom boom boom season through? What do
(43:11):
you think? Okay, fine, yeah whatever. Okay, so we're all
about to kill this virgin. Please shut the funk up. Please, Okay,
we're gonna kill you, Gloria. Ever since you took over
this group. I'm just saying, ever since you took over
this group? Here, okay, can we sit down? No? No chairs?
(43:32):
If I see a chair, I'm gonna lose. I'm gonna
I'm gonna give you a big one that you'll find
out and you're not gonna like. I'm gonna give you
a real big one if I see a chair, Okay,
making it seeing we have a handkerchief. Hey, guys, what's
going on? I'm also in this group. Okay, let's do
let's kill this chick. Let's do it. Let's carver up. Okay,
(43:54):
everyone get out your nie. Wait, there's a new guy.
Shouldn't we do? I'm just gonna sit down over here?
Is this? This is the new guy. He's a friend
of my Mom's down. As long as doesn't have a chair,
I don't care what he does. Do you the hooves guy?
Oh my god? What Tom? Tom? Tom Tommy Tom, Tommy Tom.
(44:17):
These are my hooves. Yes, I didn't know you liked
satanic occult. Look, I'm not here to talk about my career.
I'm here to sacrifice a virgin. Okay. I love the
film crew. Huh, film crew. Look, we're just doing a thing.
Arry's on a break, all right. Okay, Hey guys, save me.
I don't want to die. I don't want to die
(44:39):
the virgin, yes, of course. I mean, even without this
ritual going on, if you just looked at all of us,
you could tell she's the version. This is not good
for sound. Can we start again with the virgin? Please
me to speak up a little bit? Please help he
much better? Thank you? Alright, I'm too young. Okay, everyone
get out your knives and then account of I'm sorry
(45:04):
you the producer director? Yeah great, I'm thinking I want
to do something right now, just a little a piece
for myself to give it all. You want to give
it all? I mean, if I am trying to the
best I can. I think that's the only mode I
got is ten. You don't drive a forward, do you?
That's my dream of car? Do you have on? Yeah?
(45:25):
That's the one. Huh. Gold Champagne, Champagne. This guy's mode
is bugging men. Can we change his mode? Only one mode?
That's my disability? Gloria, What can you change this guy's mode?
I'll give you a big one. I'll give you a
big one to change your mondop on me. I think
(45:45):
it's just gonna Yes, I'm gonna take the biggest poop
I've ever taken. It's gonna be on you and it
will change your mode. I'm going to do it. I'm
lifting up my white road and it melted his whole body.
That's some powerful Is that good for you? Did that
change the mode? I think we got it on camera, Tommy,
You guys, I think some demonic spirits are literally here
(46:07):
because my amulance is searing into my flesh right now.
So why does your amulet's say Gloria backwards across it?
Who tested Gloria? I was looking in a mirror, so
it looked like you just said Gloria. Tommy, did you
want to say anything at all to the virgin while
we're on camera? Uh? Yeah, Look, I'm sorry that we
have to sacrifice you, but it's the only way to
(46:28):
pay homage to the two demons. And uh, you know,
I'll give you an autograph and a pick. Can I
ask one last request? Fine, I just I really want
to have sex with somebody, anybody. Then you won't be
a virgin, you know, Tommy, I'm sorry, baby, We're gonna
have the can of the show. What. Yeah, it looks
like people wanted you killing that virgin and all that.
(46:50):
So I'm sorry I was told to do. I just
did what I was told to do. Let me, tom
I know how it goes, baby, but look, the people
just didn't like if people weren't pe fucking ambulet off
of me. Okay, I mean, baby, look at seat and
do your flesh like part of me. Now it looks
like it's aid he had to your bone struck. There's
no way for me to rip it out with that
actually homing you. I can't do that legally, but you
(47:10):
know me. All right. Now, look, I'm gonna have to
ask you to get off the fucking lot and not
come back. We're not gonna validate your sucking parking. Alright,
you're done. Oh you're not gonna validate my parking. No, Tommy,
it's like fourteen dollars for a half hour. Well, you've
been here for three hours. I'll figure that ship out.
I don't know, Tommy, I don't know. How much is
that you didn't go to school, Tommy. You gotta go.
(47:31):
These are my hubs, Tommy, Tommy, these are my hub Tommy.
You're making it a lot sadder than it has to be.
A don't give me up the lot, Tommy, tom I can't.
I can't believe the meaning you Tommy. Tom It's my
seventeen con this year, and I just can't believe you're here.
(47:53):
So how much of the photos with you? Uh? It's
forty two was? Okay, that's an hour and a half.
Can I tell my brother and I when we were
seven and nine, we memorize the first three seasons of
these are my hosts, and I could play back any
of the scenes for you. If you pick a season
in a episode by number, I could, Uh, I could
(48:15):
recite it all right, um, season one, episode one, the
pilot's pass d peep peep. That's in every episode, right,
so it's always started? Okay, okay, shut up, deep deep up.
(48:35):
This is my house. Ah man, where's the box set?
Can I start over? No, there's a long line here.
Excuse me? Are you Tommy tom Yeah killed my fucking daughter.
What on television, you son of a bitch. I didn't
(48:58):
kill anybody killed. I saw the episode, and I was surprised.
Look I see the awful Okay, let's be precise, sir,
I was part of a demonic ritual that some of
the demon that killed your daughter. Please, Okay, I saw
the episode. I know everybody is guilty in your own way,
but but today it's got a gun. Got the guy's
(49:22):
got a gun. I've got an amulet. Okay, so an amulet. Fine, okay,
we'll give me that amulet. I'm not giving you the amulet.
Give me that. Good luck trying to pry it off
of my chest. Okay, I will. I will set this here. Okay,
Now I've got the gun. Put the gun down, you
side of a picture gun? Okay? Are you a virgin, sir? Me?
(49:54):
I have a daughter? Not anymore? Alright? Alright, maybe I have,
but it's besides the point. Give me back that gun.
We're all waiting to take a photograph. These people have
paid for a photograph and a autograph. Yeah, fourteen dollars
(50:17):
for half an hour. I paid thirty because I'm not
really your kid. Huh he not really your kid. What
you do not understand about that? Try to keep up, sir, Listen,
you killed my daughter. Give me my gun back please, No,
I'm keeping your gun. I'm keeping your gun. These are
my hooves. This is my comic con Okay, Tom, I'm sorry.
(50:41):
You can't sleep at the you can't sleep in the
rec center for the I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave.
What I found a spot. The convention's over, You're you're
gonna have to go. I'm gonna stay here. Tell me.
I'm sorry this we have to shutter it. I'm gonna stay.
Can you at least validate my parking. I can't do that.
I'm just a security yard. I validate my parking. I
(51:05):
have a gun. Tommy relaxed, all right, I'll kill you. Okay, okay,
I'll validate it here. Okay, thank you, you're welcome. Thank you.
Now kiss me? Oh my god, now let me sleep here.
Sorry I walked. I forgot my keys. I'm sorry. I
(51:27):
didn't see you didn't see me kissing Tom? Tom, No,
I did see that, but I was trying to say
I didn't to cover it up, right, I'm sorry. Um wow,
good for you. Okay, I'm gonna go well, sorry, sorry,
did you kiss me? I'm sorry? What's your problem? I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. This is Tom Tom. Okay, I'm gonna the
(51:52):
mood is sorial. What's going on here? I walked in
on this map, have to go. I have a kidden. Hey,
let's go at it. And that's a love fest for today.
(52:21):
So good. Oh that's our show. Let's go around and
thank everyone. Caroline Carter, thank you so much for joining
us again. You are a frothy delight to go to
my about that at some point? Yeah, tell us where
folks can fire their shows? Are their places of their
inter interwebs? Um, you know I do most of my
(52:42):
shows on my Instagram in a way, and you can
find that cotter poopter poop and c O T T
E R P o O P. That's correct. Yeah, lovely
Craig Kikowski at Kikowski on Twitter. Also at Craigslist peak
cast for my podcast and at Orange Tucks Improv for shows. Well,
(53:03):
can you tell us about the peak cast. It's called craigslist. Uh,
it's uh, we're counting down my one favorite movies, me
and my wife Carla. She has to watch them. She
has one more refusal left, which she's going to reserve
for number one. Yes, okay, yeah, she's already told me that.
All right, let's looking forward to more episodes of that podcast, Mark. Yeah,
(53:29):
thanks for having me uh at Mark Gags on Twitter
and Instagram. Uh. Last Wednesday of the month at Dynasty
Typewriter with worked use improv h every week a new episode.
If we got this with Mark and Hell and Blood
and Treasure now on Amazon Prime and you go back
to work on the seas we go to back to Montreal.
Exciting and I think this episode just dropped. Great. Yeah,
(53:50):
you're hello from Canada exactly. Dr James Heney. You can
go to the Real James Heney dot com and see
lots of James Heney content. Or if you want to
be live person at the West Side Comedy Theater on
the second and fourth Wednesday, so every month at nine pm,
you can come see us. If the show didn't drop
after our next live show, it will be in November.
(54:12):
It's the first Sunday of every month. If you're in
the Los Angeles area, specifically Santa Montica, combine and see
a live version of the show Joey Greery. You'll be
there at the next one, Okay, and between now and then,
I'll be waiting. Okay, good, it's good. Good, it's good
to know. Let's thank our engineer, please, Mr Doug Baine,
(54:35):
our post signe design artist Raphael, and I heart radio media.
We're losing him. I encourage all of you to write
a review, tell everyone you've ever met, and write to
us with your scene suggestion at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Until next time,
(54:56):
I love you so very much. And when up and
by w
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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