November 7, 2019 • 60 mins
U.S. Cruise Ship Through Norway; Child Teacher vs Adult Students; No Toilet Aboard Apollo 11 Begets Astonishing Ingenuity.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, we have a bit of an announcement here,
(00:01):
joe you want to talk about this T shirt design contests.
I do open submission to anybody listening or a friend
of a friend pass it along. You got a design
you want to make for a T shirt, something that
you've heard on the show, that you want to live
in perpetuity in an image. Will send it to your
name here at Alchemy. This dot com submissions will be
(00:21):
done by November, and then our Patreon members are going
to be able to vote on which design they like
the best, and that one's gonna get put on a shirt. Wait, Joey,
does that mean we'll have shirts available just in time
for the holidays. Oh my gosh, that's an amazing idea.
Thank you so much. So and James, you're making sure
that we have a shirt available at where is it
(00:42):
going to be like you're gonna be located. You can
get it at the Patreon page and we'll get a
link up that will be uh put in all the
different places. Okay, so submit your designs for a new shirt.
We're gonna do as many as we approve in love,
and then the Patreon members will weigh in and vote
as well, they're votes, will cast along with hours and
we'll pick ourselves some brilliant artists. Welcome back to another
(01:06):
episode of Alchemy This I'm your host, Kevin Polligan for
the first time in eighty one shows. I'm reading this
from an iPad, not burning trees. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock.
Yes that Kevin pok. What's that the nature of my emergency? Well, gosh,
where do I begin. Let's go with politicians for four
but I digress. Let's mean our rachamists. Shall we, in
(01:29):
no particular order? Please say hello to Vanessa Raglan Venetian
since apparently it's a legit option? Would you rather have
a bird in the hand or two in the bush?
To bush? Whoa? You want to have two birds in
your bush? Yeah? I do. I'd love that. That would
be amazing. Thanks, I'd like I'd like both options. I'd
(01:50):
like one in my hand and two in my bus.
I'd like three birds, Kevin. Your your actually bush was
not on the table. A situation past the cleanex James
Eny just stepped through the portal of my heart Jinkie
(02:11):
jam Jam can a monkey driver car? And if so,
how long before they're working for Uber? Well, if they
have a tesla, there's nothing stopping them from being able to.
I mean, you just need to be able to put
your hands on the wheel for seconds of the time, right, Kevin,
that's right right? Because it lit thing comes on this
green I mean, please touch the way. I would not
have any fear of a tesla with a monkey baring.
In fact, I'd enjoy it. You drive itself for real? Well,
(02:34):
they all do, but but they don't stop it stop
signs or stop lights. They don't know because they want
you to stay engaged. Can I take back my thing
with the monkey? I don't want to know. Kevin drives
a Honda fit the page and please let Chris Alvarado in, sir,
What does it actually sound like when doves cry? Um?
(02:58):
It sounds like it's the same noise that Joey gream
makes when he comes. What I've heard him both, and
they're very similar. Hey, the guys just being honest. You
keep your close left to my bush, you'll find out
is what it sounds like when it comes. And the
(03:18):
last number or freak flag never fly. If you think
him leaves, it's Joey Greer Greer near far and forgotten.
What time. Can you pick me up tonight for Fest nineteen. Man,
I have to push. I'm not gonna be able to
make tonight, honestly, Yeah, no, I I got an I
know my hammy is all tight. I'm gonna make it
for the weekend, but I can't make it for the
(03:38):
by the week Okay, little milk bath um. We want
a further our announcement that you may have already heard
and invite you to the v i P member of
our new Patreon page. Fairly knew at this point live
video meet ups with the cast, bonus episodes like the
live shows from West Side Comedy Theater. There's a phone
number just for v i P members. You can call in,
leave a message, a question, or request all the topless
(04:01):
Alvarado content. That's right. If that's your request. Listen, if somebody,
if somebody pays the premium, the premium, top dollar, you'll get. Yeah,
top dollar means topless, Chris. That's all I'm saying. You'll
be disappointed, and also attend one of our regular live
(04:26):
Q and a meet up. So those it's gonna actual,
They're not gonna go live, We're gonna record them, Is
that right? James are you talking about on Sundays. Yeah,
I mean the goal is to be live, but maybe
not this weekend because this won't come out of the
announcement for it being live, will be so later. But yeah,
eventually Sundays will have meetups. It's probably already live by
the time they're here. Or is this the one we're
gonna cut and we can cut it so, like you know,
(04:49):
I'm taking my shirt off. Okay, trips coming off. It's
an opportunity to be creatively involved in our weekly episodes,
as only the i P members will be able to
all kinds of cool ship. So please, if you want
to be a super core fan, join our Patreon page.
Yeah yeah, our first scene, like all of our scenes,
(05:09):
came from one of you, the listeners. If you'd like
to submit your scene suggestions, please write to the podcast
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here and alchemy this this dot com. My first
scene comes from Steen. That's how it's pronounced from Norway.
Just write to him who wrote Hia. I've heard all
(05:35):
your episodes, especially like Vanessa's crack horror voice. Everyone has
a different description. I don't know which one that is
that right, now um and generally and and and the confused,
generally ignorant Marvin mceugh from the concierge sketch. Well, Chris,
you were the concierge in that sket but it wasn't.
(05:58):
I mean, some say I set up that alle you,
but I don't. League and Assists. I think everyone knows that.
My suggestion he goes on a cruise ship with American
tourists passing through a Norwegian feud, suddenly face a catastrophic threat.
A select few of the passengers and crew are let
(06:19):
in on the situation and must save everyone else. And please,
if you're trying to do a Norwegian accent, at least
don't do a German one. Alright, So if anyone wants
to try a little Norwegian, I don't like that set
up for us to fail. Stan from Norway now moved
(06:42):
to the right tickets for that. Okay, Hey Sean, Sean,
I'm sorry to water slot break this up. I just
want to let you know that some of the other
monkmates and I have got together and we've asked you
to switch bunks. Not again, Yeah, not again, Sean, I'm sorry. Okay,
(07:05):
you just you're taking them too much space. I'm bringing
Up'm bringing the positivity and I've been I've been better
on on the deck, but below deck? Do we have
any Lincoln berries? Hello? What do you need Lincoln? Open
your mouth? Catch it? Are you keeping most Lincoln berries
in your You're going to poison them? How what do
(07:28):
you the pesticides in your pants? This isn't this This
feels like a personal attack. Sean. I can't be more
clear than it is. I'm assistant activities director, assistant Sean. Yeah, okay,
there's a lot of other activities beside of teaching people
how to dance and throwing beads of fruit. Of them
have problem here? Yeah? Actually we do. I don't want
to be called ma'am, sir. I don't want to be
(07:50):
called sir. D Um Janney, Thank you, Janney. Everything's fine,
as you can tell. The passengers are having a great time.
See that. Everyone seems a little hyped up. And you
two are arguing, arguing on the deck where everyone can
see you. Sorry, Janet, we just need a bunk switch.
That's all. Bunk switch. We put in through the proper channel. Whoa,
(08:16):
this is the fourth time we've had you be requested
to Janet, Yes, can you tell me about the bunk
switches and Sector four? I could. I wish I could
tell you about him. Tim, Well, but they're happening in
your area, so they are happening in I'm not responsible. Sure,
I'm trying to engender a really positive relationship and I'm
(08:36):
being super positive and I would love to have your
job one day. Um, but yeah, there's this. You know,
I think Sean is a problem. If you had my job,
what would you say to Janet standing in front of me,
Say you're a deep ship honey, that's right. I know.
I know how this looks. I know how this looks.
Doesn't look good, But I gotta say Sean's the problem,
and I think we should kill him. Kill him. I
(08:58):
don't want to tell anyone but you that, and I
think we should cover it up. But I do think. Sorry,
I just have to say that I was listening in
excuse me, or if you're talking about the killing somebody
on the ship, I didn't say killing, it's what she means. No,
I think there's a language barrier because you have that
stupid voice. I said, no, I don't think so. Do
you work on the ship. I'm the captain of the ship.
(09:20):
This is my ship. Why are you wearing a propeller? Hate?
It makes it the effort for me to keep my
know which way the wind is blowing. If I look
at how far the propeller moves in one direction, that's
not how propellers were Sorry sir that you overheard that.
But Janet is looking over sector fourth or nine and
there with the section problems, and we didn't want to
(09:40):
bring them to the captain. This is the first time
I've met the captain. Yes, me too. Stay behind the door.
It's locked, right, So why did you venture out this time? Well,
I like to get the taste of what's going on
in the sheets. Since when Sean's a big problem, locked
the door, locked the door, Captain, Sean is a big problem.
Justin we disposed with Sean. We've gotten seventeen requests for
(10:01):
him to be moved. I don't know what else to do.
You could technically fall overboard. Is that a thing. Let's
take a look at this map here, let's unfold it. Okay,
we're about to go into an area that I think
would be easy to lose a body. Is it a fjord?
It's a funeral exactly. Okay, So once we get to
the Fiord, all we need to do is get a
(10:23):
distraction and then we can push this. Let me get
some more chicken fingers. I don't know what's going on, man.
The captain is looking crazy. He doesn't understand when propulsion
or even anything else. I've been telling him for weeks
that the radiators are going to overheat the giant radiator
in the center of the ship. It feels the whole
damn thing it's gonna blow. No, uh no, no, iutling class.
(10:45):
That's what I love you. Let me get some more
chicken fingers. It's just crazy. It's like we got twelve
thousand people aboard this ship, and every single one of
them's lives are in the palm of a hand of
a guy who wears propeller hats, propeller pants. You know,
he's got propellers all over about it. You don't have
to check the wind, you goddamn said, but but light, Yeah,
I think one of those. And and and the thing
(11:07):
that just irks my burke all the way up the
stock is that there's just no way to get through
to the guy. Chicken fingers. Okay, okay, no, den. You know,
do you guys really speak Spanish? It feels like you're
(11:31):
just using like a few words. I'm just like, I'm
overhearing and it feels like fake. Um. I think that
you don't want to talk to that man, and you're
you're pretending, Hey, Julian, don't you get us a bucket
of fries? Huh? How are you? I'm okay? So are
you talking about it? Julian? There? I don't think your
(11:52):
buddy likes him. He's pretending he doesn't speak English, but
I'm like, really sure he does. He listens to the
action really well and he doesn't speak full sentences of Spanish.
So your guests on the ship, huh, yeah, that's great.
Have you noticed the boat is like drifting in weird ways? Yeah.
I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I'm on
(12:13):
the observation deck driving it around and just get blow up.
I shouldn't be talking. Can we get some the radiator
is going to blow up? What are you doing on
the observation deck? What? K oh my god? Oh ship? Okay, everybody,
(12:43):
it's the chicken dance tie. Please please have the smoke
coming from a back because we're making it hot. Anybody now, guys,
I am On. I am the assistant activities director's here today.
(13:03):
There's an emergency at the starboard hall. Okay, Janet, I'm
not moving out of my bunk right now. You have
to see this that you love animals. There's a porpoise
stuck in the fjord. Porpoise. Give me one second, all right, everybody,
I need you all to play a game of Simon says,
as I leave. Okay, Simon says, close your eyes. Okay,
where is it your assets? You can't say that to
(13:25):
me over there, look down further down and and let
this see. And now we've got to Sean and that
should be good, right sir? Are you from Norway or Italy?
I'm from Norway? Okay, this is a Norwegian accent. You
(13:49):
don't want me to speak in Norway. If you hear
my native language, it would just make no sense to you.
Your native language. That was tam you're worried about his accent,
which killed Sean from there's a chance that the dolphins
will take can of There's no dolphin, you fucking idiot.
(14:10):
That was my excuse to get him a little there.
I heard that was this little sound thing do it again.
It's really good. That's the button and it makes that noise.
That's a really good one. What is this smell like smoke?
I don't believe fire usually fire is that it's causes
(14:30):
smoke machines and he gadgets and he whistled moms. That
can tell us where the smoke's coming from. Your propellers
are all spending really well, let's follow. The gage is
going up. The goddamn mapp here. I need to turn
down with a fifteen to Greece North. Now, more coal
inside this god more game not. I need to move
all those towels and those wet blankets out of here.
There dasting gasoline. Everyone moved. We gotta press ourselves against
(14:52):
the wall. Those pylons are gonna blow. It looks like
where the smoke is coming from. Guys, what are we
down here? We killed? Shot, we killed telling everyone, don't
give the goddamn I need your help right now. How
giant red house? What's giant to three times the size
of a man? Shot? Shut shut, shut, shut, shut shut.
(15:16):
The passengers don't know what's going on. We've got to
keep them out of this, and I neither send one
of you in there to keep them, and I got captain.
I gotta tell you your personality is pretty spectacular. And
do you want me to go down? Then take anything
there we've killed obviously not all right, everybody, it's a
(15:40):
special movement. I think you don't can tell by all
the propellers on me. So this is what you guys
must all. Simond says that, god, dude, I got equation.
Oh I haven't now was playing mid Simon says game
her as Chloe for quite a while. You get bumping
into people, so we opened their eyes. Well that means
you lose. Well that's fine. We're fine with losing. We
(16:02):
used to. We're smell smoke though't were wondering where there's smoke,
there's far usually or ribs, ribs. We would prefer alcohol.
Oh yeah, yeah. Where there's where there's smoke, there's Alcohol's
if I was to say, they would have better have
(16:23):
been soaked ribs and it's going to be alcohol. And
but don't say that again. It sounds weird. Rips. Yeah, yeah,
that sounds kind of goof where from cap Norregia? You
know these things. I'm the captain of this. Do you
mean Norway? Yeah, that's you're spinning things. You come clean
(16:46):
with this cab from you feel like you're from Sicily
or so Ccily. I was just thinking, Sherman Oaks, Cantfornia.
If you've got a problem here in this boat, we're
all mechanics, we'll be having anything. We got a ninja
dream mechanics. What do you need? Well, honestly, the last
thing that I heard is I need a wrench through
times decizello. Everybody, Oh shit, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait,
(17:15):
Who the hell's that coming out of the water. He's
riding a dolphin? That shan, you get that gun? That
dolphin can't survive on the deck. Yes, he can, it's
just not o. A couple of things. One, I am
no longer assistant activities director. I am full time activities director.
And to my friend, dolphin man here is pretty cool.
(17:38):
So what's the issue. I didn't kill a man. Are
you that gun? Oh my god? Okay, Sean, look man,
my bad. I didn't know. Oh damn, I killed the
dolphin inside the dolphin and there's tinier doll. Oh my god.
(18:02):
What None of this would have happened if you didn't
ask me to leave the bunk. Sorry, put the barrel,
this gun in your mouth, that suck that thing. There
you go, there you go, And my fantasy has come
true of pregnant dolphin dying at the end of a sketch.
(18:25):
That was really that was it. I'm sorry you killed
the person in that sketch, right, No, I don't remember that.
I tried to, but you came back. We'd like to
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(18:48):
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let me try this and anodized You got anodized anodized
aluminum craig is that right? And and anodized aluminum is
that right? That's my new vocal warm up and anodized
(19:32):
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(19:54):
you want? Yeah, I got some stuff. I got to say.
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(20:14):
All these bad boys too, vaness, well what I like
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laundry bags you can separate your dirty clothes. I'm always
in a hotel room scrounging for that dry cleaner bag
they leave in the thing, and they're not always there. No,
they're not always there, and they're not big enough. So
this is let's keep it all separated, let's keep it
(20:35):
clean so we can have a nice trip yet animals. Now, Chris,
you have one of these, I have one. I have
the bigger carry on. It's honestly the perfect bag. The
design is insane. The attention to detail is just out
of this world. There's some great removable Yeah, the charger
for your phone, that's right, So it has a charger,
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(20:55):
at the airport, and if you do one of those things,
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And then when they say, hey, we're asking for bags
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(21:16):
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(21:37):
Thank you Away. See two comes from Jason, who wrote
high Second Family. Let's get this out of the way.
James need the best fun. Everyone else stand this culture
that we've created. I created. I don't think I created
your cult. I'm a teacher in Australia and I travel
a lot. After discovering your podcast, I find myself looking
(22:00):
forward to long trips because I get to lose my ship,
which makes me think you all have probably caused accidents,
you monsters. Recently, on a school excursion, I was ignoring
my students to get my alchemy on. Listening to James
Heeney as a toilet paper company's CEO getting overly excited
by a quote unquote winding machine made me silently convolve
(22:21):
so much that the other teachers and students thought I
was suffering in medical condition. Here's my scene suggestion A
day in the classroom, except the teacher is a child
and the students are grown ups. That's it. Have fun.
I lied, I love you all. Although James Heeney is
best James, thanks, and from Jason t Chairs. I don't
(22:48):
know ship two left it. But if it's like it's
not we got to make sure that bring my kid.
We just built around it. If that's a problem, if
that's what we wanted. You want a call? Yeah, I
(23:09):
am on a call. Okay, So we're trying to start
a class. Does anyone have a quark? What's I started yet?
So when it starts? I mean, so we're all, aren't you? Blessed? Everybody?
Could everybody please just calm down? I'm about to teach.
What's happening? What's happening? What's up? Guy? I'm I'm substitute
(23:32):
teaching for the normal professor that usually teaches this class.
What's your name? My name is Bobby, And Bobby, what
makes you think you're qualified to teach us? We're growing up? Well?
I was hired through a vigorous interview process and I've
been chosen this one. If this is a prank show,
I'm doing this. I'm going to kick your as signed
uh you know any kind of release form? I don't
(23:54):
want to be on reality television again. It already ruined
my life once? What makes What were you on? Where's
the I was on Where's the Hamster? And to ruin
my life once? And you said where's the Hampton's that
one I love? Oh that's a great one. Where's the Hamster?
Is is your time? I'm not either way? So if
you guys don't want to learn, okay, don't learn. Excuse me?
(24:16):
What was my name's Bobby. It's just hard for us
to believe that you are going to help teach us
build websites. He's not wrong, is it? Dave? Dave? Hey,
my name is Dave. To thank you, Carl. Dave's made
a hell of a point. It's a real boys club
in here. Well Dave, I don't know, doesn't have a lighter. Listen,
thank you. I need you guys to concentrate because I
(24:38):
am a webmass. Okay, just computers are like a second language.
I had to be just language since I was born.
No smoking in this class. I'm not smoking. I'm huffing
the lighter. How old are you? I am thirteen? Okay,
I'm thirteen years old. What do you said? I forgot
(25:00):
said you? Should have gone through year olds or like
full people. You're like, wait a second, baby's walking in
your kid. It's not my kid, it's my little brother,
my little brother. He doesn't say this is a ship show?
Is this an accredited university? Until I will go straight
to the dark web and you guys, lives will all
be over. You can teach us how to get to
(25:21):
the dark web. I mean, yeah, of course I can't.
It's about building a web. Okay. I'm looking over your
resume here and uh says here that you're over thirteen.
I am, okay, Well, we're not looking for that right now.
We're looking for a young young kids, young young little
boys and girls to teach. That's illegal, is it? We're
(25:42):
an accredited university. I understand that, and I am a
teacher with full certifications. I have my masters, my e D.
What are you looking at me like that for? It
just seems that everything you recognize me from a show
Where's my Hipster? Is that where I see you from?
I've never seen someone exposed there anus like that on TV.
(26:05):
Let me get this straight. You you you want to
teach this class and now you're just taking this class.
I tried to teach it, and yeah, that doesn't Why
doesn't it make sense to you? I wanted in, I'm
getting in. Did you know our our teacher was going
to be thirteen? I had my suspicions when the person
who interviewed me said I was too old. You are
(26:27):
a little old. I'm forty two. My name is Dave
and his name you? Listen, why did you tell you
that I don't need that? Carl? I'm familiar. Hi Carl? Anyway,
the man who interviewed me, you were too old? Can
I Carl? I got it? Two? Dave's in a Carl
(26:51):
in a tiny little toddler, Bobby, how long is this break?
Are we supposed to be on break for a while?
I guess a new interviewed me said he's looking for
someone under thirty. Okay, so listen, come in. Can I
trust you? Guys? Jesus, I can do you one better
than recording it. What are these envelopes? Are you giving
(27:12):
the look? This a little money? Okay, just a little
money for I'm trying to do an expose. Shut I'm
not forty seven, I'm forty two. Look at my skin. Okay, listen,
what I want to do? Expose Okay, this is hush money.
For now we're going to crack the story open. I'm
going to get my life back on track. So we
(27:34):
don't talk. This is so we don't talk until I
published the expose. That's going to get my life back
on track. All right, guys, that was the break, and
now it's time to car next thing. Excuse me, what
was that I said? I wish I could have children. Oh,
I'm so sorry. They're a blessing. I really blessed my parents.
They're so proud of me. What's your brother's name? My
(27:55):
brother's name is We call him too, and he does
speak very well. You see your teacher's assistant. No, I
just have to babysit him because Mike while you teach up.
I am so sorry. Are you not okay with having
a child? I'm not. This baby is making eye contact
with me right now. Okay, let me pick up. I
(28:16):
think it knows my name. It could be are you
talking to me? Or the day? Which day? Which day? Baby?
Which day? What secrets do you have you seen? Baby? Genius?
A child knows everything up to a certain point, and
then once they crust that point, I forgot all the
story that is not the story where I gotta take
(28:39):
this baby, Bobby. I'm sorry, I gotta take how much
for this baby? All right? Turn it over? Okay, there
we go. Okay, upside going do this quick, mat on.
I want to just want to get to the table.
How much all right? I can give you in dollars cash,
(29:03):
I'll do fifty grand. You got to make a dollar
over here. It's cash shirty too. There you go. Okay,
hey baby, baby sleeping, I was sleeping ship Um, that's
when late. You know, I'm home from class. Remember remember
(29:26):
when you were saying you wouldn't sleep with me because
you don't respect me because I don't do much with
my life. But I am in that web building class
and I thought maybe that would turn turn you on. Hey, Dave,
that relationship you have a screepy ships. I mean, you
know she's of age, but she sounds like a tod
She just sounds like a baby. It's that's her night voice.
It's weird when she clears the throat. It's better alright, man,
(29:47):
because every time we've hung out with the Buffalo wild Wings,
that's how she talks because she's it's a nighttime only
hang out. Also, who are you to give him about
how a girlfriend sound? Damn, Carl was a friend to
a friend. I think I can do that. Friend to
a friend, says you, girlfriend sounds like an idiot. Boo,
you don't think. Yeah, you're proud of me in class? Wow,
(30:13):
you want to see to David Carl. No, that's my
teacher out there. That's Bobby Carl. Nipples her heart? Yeah, right,
kidding me? All right, baby, i' seeing a little bit it. Okay. See,
I'm telling me she didn't respect me for a very
long time. Right. That woman is an idiot. She doesn't
respect her an idiot, Dave, she doesn't respect herself. What
(30:34):
do you mean? How can you tell that she's got
a little toddlers football. Maybe she's so intelligent, she's figured
it all out. She's a lady genius. She's come back
to the other side. That's not what a lady genius?
How are you talking about? What are you calling? I
gotta go. Don't take my wife for a right? What
(30:59):
do you think? Jerry thirty seven? You ships sixty? Hey,
sorry with so you missed something. So it's control v V.
(31:20):
I'm so sorry, but you took my brother earlier. There's
no way to prove that. No, I mean, I'm Bobby, professor, Bobby,
you know how long have you been teaching? This is
this is my first class. But don't think of me
as a I'm good at it and that's how I
got the job. But this is my first She picks
me up at did they hire you as a contractor
(31:41):
or I'm an independent contractor, but I could be a
staff members early in the morning. What do you do
after class? Get the cup, Bobby, Okay, okay, get the mom.
People gave me a really hard time at school today,
like this a grateful but I'm driving it. No, they'll
(32:03):
just like suck on a little bit, puff it up.
You don't like it? Hate smoking? Oh, cops, put this
cocaine in your pants. Put this cocaine. Put this mustard,
mustrooms mustard. Come in. I'm not getting in the vehicle.
(32:25):
Oh absolutely. We just rolled down the window. How are you, ma'am? Yes,
a license and registration. Okay, let me find in here.
Let me just look for it really quick. I saw that.
We just take your seat. Do you see your team?
(32:46):
There we go, let's go listen. We here at the station,
all agree not to call you a woman. Cop, lady cop,
because you wanted to just be called cop officer. Is
that correct? Terrific um? And yet you also begged us
(33:10):
to put you on the four am beat. Is that correct? Yeah,
which is typically one of the hardest beats to patrol. Great,
So once again, once again we trusted you again. Where
the problem is? You pulled over somebody and they sped off.
(33:30):
That's on them, Sergeant Tinkle. Sergeant Tinkle, Yes, they ran
over my fucking foot. Yes, I think we just have
a text message from your wife. Let me see. Okay,
I am getting that's under your business, lady copy alright, alright,
(33:51):
I want to respect you. You do a terrible job.
I that is not on me. Here's the good news.
Your dash cam take a picture of the license plate,
so we have the address of the purpose to do
a little health call. Yes, please get your act together.
(34:13):
You get your act together. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I
said that. Captain. I'm gonna ask you a question because
Captain I couldn't remember what his title. Captain Tinkle to you,
I'm your search everyone else on the Captain, do you
work at the station or front assistant? Friend, I need
a new partner. This is Sean. Yeah, we've already moved
(34:37):
to three or four times already. I understand, but I
just can't deal with the constant nagging and complaining. You know,
we're out there in the field. We got a job
to do. We got we have to serve, right, we
have to protect, and he's just complaining constantly about what everything.
Excuse me, I've been waiting in the car, going the car.
(35:00):
I've been waiting outside with the car running. That's wasting. Yeah,
and I gave you a couple of minutes. It's been
like this Sunday on Fox two Cops on the beat
that you need to see Carl and Sean hit the streets. Okay,
we wanted him out to we go. We get a
burger and fries were done to get back on the
street with the hottest arrest you've ever heard. Good, don't.
(35:24):
We don't have time for food right now. It's this
is not the sexiest arrest you've ever heard. Put your
clothes back on. You're not supposed to have clothes off.
Your officer, not a stripper. I understand it was hot
you These arrests are gonna get you off, guarantee it.
Why are you wearing handcuffs. I can't find the key man,
(35:45):
But why did you put him on in the first place, Carl.
These arrests are gonna make you ask me, Oh, that's disgusting.
What are you doing in the car, Carl? I'm trying
to ask questions to the voiceover guy got ship. These
arrests are getting me off. Why does heitor realized? Why
(36:06):
doesn't he just let people know what channel we're on
and what time we're on? This is insane. I don't
understand what we're watching so the cops can hear the
voice the voice over, I don't know what are we watching? Well,
I mean, is this YouTube or TV? I think it's
Internet for sure. It says Fox, but it feels like internet.
(36:30):
He said come and it takes. But you can say
come because you could be spelling it like ejaculate, Sergeant Tinkle.
I hate to be the guy that keeps complaining about Alex.
Excuse me, Lady Cole, Hey, anyway, don't We've been having
(36:52):
to write along with the producers from the show, and
they are distracting. I'm trying to be a police officer
and they're I hear the are you recasting? Well, I'm
just I'm curious you're cast. I'm a cop cast member. Well,
you know what, you can get killed off at any minute.
That's not a threat. Al Right, guys, uh, we're gonna
(37:13):
be casting for a new cop show on Fox. Is
going to be a premier on Sundays, and it's waited
for a second. So just everyone give me your headshots
and resume. We're looking for somebody under thirteen, as mammy,
did you get your lunch older in there? Not yet? Okay,
let me get Let me get too hummusburgers. I don't
want anyone don't want that with a lettuce wrap, grilled onions, mushrooms, zucchini,
and a little bit of a spigano. Okaya all the
(37:34):
way through the exactly I've had that too. Okay, so
let's just get right to it. Do we get a
lunch in the bullpen? Are we in a bullpen? You're
just auditioning, Thank you very much. Okay, So let's let's
just get you right into it. We have twelve great um,
I feel like she's much older. She sounds like a
(37:58):
toddler though, yeah, it's your forty one. Might work older
to play younger. So I like the audition okay, great. Um,
I love sports and I make my own jello awesome. Okay, great,
So let's just get in the scenario here. We have
one of our fellow actors here is gonna do a
scene with you. Okay, and he start on page three,
(38:20):
okay three, So do you have any questions? Do you
understand what's going on? Totally? Okay? Great? So this uh,
this person right here is gonna play a purp and
I'm going to be filming your feet. Great. And so
what he's been doing has been a stuffing cadavers with drugs,
just like in Bad Boys Too. Are you familiar? I
have the script right here, okay. So there's certain extra
extacy pills that have been stamped, and that's how we're
gonna find out where they are. I'm doing fine. And
(38:42):
so you are in an on tops room a morgue,
and you're in Mount Miami South Beach. Okay, and get
it together all right? You know? And there's a and
just like in the film, there's a cadaver with breast
that like it inappropriately touches. So we start, yes, we can,
and we're gonna we're gonna start what Ever, when I
start blinking, you start looking me in the eyes when
(39:03):
I start blinking. Okay, what time you get four? Okay,
you weren't supposed to be here till thirty? What's up?
I'm early? That's right. I was wondering why you're early?
This is pretty good drugs say that while he's auditioning
drug you're early because of the drugs? Is there just
(39:23):
one line on each page everywhere? Yeah? Yeah, you got
you got that. Listen. I'm uh huh sure. Let's see
that again. Let's go from the top again, and this
time does he really have one word on every page? Yes, yes,
it's easier that way. That's how he branded it. He
(39:45):
can't figure the printer out. It's easy that. I can't
figure that. I took a class on this stuff. It
just this professor. He was old as ship. He didn't
know what. It doesn't matter. I don't know, like the
gotta go to a zoo USA if you want to
go to that online college. No, it's not online, it's
in real life and they have professors as young as
(40:06):
thirteen are teaching you the most cutting edge approach to
the dark web and other things. And also you should
be able to figure out how to work that printer
in no time. It's content so good it'll make you
come into Hi gang. I got my brother listening, so
(40:32):
I did my part. Shout out to Ben. We go
back to the first moon landing mission. The astronauts have
just taken off, but soon after takeoff, they realized that
NASA engineers did not include a bathroom. Frantically, they are
in touch with Houston to create such a device. Allah
(40:52):
Apollo thirteen and can't wait to hear what happens. PS.
I love you all equally from Corey. Uh, wake up Houston,
wake up man? Wake can you talking to him? You're sleep?
(41:15):
I'll call if you're a sleep may but on this
for thirty seven hours. A. Yeah, this is Houston. We
just want to make sure you Felas had that third
meal and everything is that you can do? Is that?
Is that? Is that a bad thing? Yeah? Well that's
probably that's coming from your end. That that sounds that's
not that's not me. It's got to be from year around.
(41:37):
Oh I found Is that is that bad? Is that me? Well?
I don't know if it's bad or you? But how
did that third meal go? And went good? Uh? Third
meal went good? We are eating our FilmOn. Yeah, secret recipe,
A secret recipe. Excuse excuse me? Excuse me to call.
(42:00):
I can't seem to find the bathroom. I've checked and
this is the last door and you're here, so it's
not a bathroom, right, I need to use the restroom.
I I feel a little sick. That's on you. I
got I get on what to do for you? Okay?
Does any can we do a quick roll call of
who's in the shuttle and who's in at Houston? Why
(42:23):
do we have to do that? It's not for me?
You know, it's protocol. Everything around the control center you'll
see who's there up in so I know you are.
You have to say when I call your name, you
to say Space or Houston? How many people? Why did
you look around yourself and see? If it's not for me,
it's protocol. Okay, So I want to call your name,
(42:45):
Please say either Space or Houston. Okay, we go? Uh Derek,
thank you? Johanna. I'm sorry? Did you say Derek was
in space? Okay? Because I'm on the Apollo thirteen. There's
there's no Derek here here? Is there another Johanna? You're
(43:06):
in in Brisbane? Okay? You shouldn't be on this channel.
I didn't know what we're talking about. No, well we
have Apolo seventy one. What is going on coming over Brisbane?
I think you guys are tracking Polo. Okay, yes, I'm
in space and there is an emergence space. We're not
(43:26):
there just yet, Johanna. Okay, Derek, did you get in
contact with Houston. I've been talking to them and they
are just doing roll call right now. So I have
no answers. Oh, Man, I did something sucked up? What
did you do? Just they fucked up? What did you do?
I cut up Sean and the pete inside of Man.
(43:47):
I didn't know where to go. Man, I didn't know
where to go. No, no, no, no, no, no, Spider, No,
you're in space a space. Okay, great, look this test
is flawed. Then if that guy doesn't know where he is,
we have to redo it. Okay, well, okay, just real quick,
I don't think the test is flawed. Sean Sean, Sean
(44:10):
wasn't okay, Johanna, can we just get a live feed
on him? Derek, Derek, I just wanted Derek speaking in space. Uh,
this is an emergency, So if we could just skip
this next name. Okay, so that Spider's screaming, right, who's
taking roll? Call? I am Spice. We haven't gotten to me.
Oh my god, hold on that. You gotta be quiet.
(44:32):
That's my god. Do I cut his body up in Houston? Spider?
Oh my god? Can you please? Okay? Spider side side
and cut him up side? He caught up Sean and
a crazy sense of humor and Australian actually what we
(44:55):
we joke like that too? Good? From my story report,
I did mind on the Apollo seventy one mission. There's
no such thing. Sit down they that did happen? It
did happen to Pete, and sit down. If anybody brings
up any missions that they've heard their parents talk about
that I don't have in this book, your ass is grass.
(45:19):
Mr and Mrs Morgan, thank you for coming into my office. Egency, Well,
the emergency is that your son is spitting some conspiracy
theories to the class and it's wait, wait, wait, wait,
that's my husband the Apolo seventy one mission. Oh my god,
did you tell him? Of course I told him. It's employees' studying.
He's ten years old and it's not a conspiracy theory.
(45:44):
We lost a good uncle on that. Hi Mrs me Loaf, Yeah, um,
you know me, of course I do. You've worked with
our family for Sean and you've gone Wait, come inside,
thank you very much. Do you remember that's Dave. I'm Dave. Um.
Please have a seat. Okay, why are we back? It's
(46:06):
about okay, it's a cliffy fee? Okay, should I should
sit down? You should probably sit down? Are you gonna stand?
Do you guys mind if we stand in the backyard.
Mrs metelof Sean come come with me. Let's go. I
want to lift the fee out in the backyard, just
through this glass door. All right, Sean is dead, Oh
(46:28):
my god. But it gets a little bit worse. Are
these crystals he didn't die? Are these crystal? Those aren't real?
Crystal nose? They look real? Those were from Sean didn't
die in a respectable manner. He was cut up, and
then Pete and side He was cut up and then
Pete and sead of Okay, okay, okay, the other bend
(46:52):
news is spider, Hey, neighbor, what's going on? Okay? You
know what? I'm having a private conversation. Maybe if you
want a private convert stations. Maybe you should fix your fence.
Like I mentioned, missus meat love just please guys, gang
bang just miss now her husband died. Her husband's dead, Sean, Yeah,
he got cut up in the every business, Come back inside.
(47:14):
I don't want to be in the yard, you know,
you know what. I don't want to be near your backyard.
But you won't fix your damn fans. Bitch. But Jane,
what's happening now? He was having a party with I
don't know what she's doing, but she's out there with
some guys and suits root and Sean got cut up
and piston. It's none of your guys business. Come on bus, Okay,
(47:37):
I will premise. And if your dog poops on my
yard again, honey, I'm stuffing her. Please do Mommy, mommy,
what why are you quieting? I'm let's go inside of
old your good I'm month one months old, forty good
months here because your daddy got cut up and people
(47:58):
don't say it. I like to come in. I don't
want to have this is this? Is this crystal or
fake crystals? Crystal? No, just meat loaves do not have crystal.
They can't even fix the damn fence. If you found out.
That's Crystal. Sell it to me. Where do you think
you are a cowboy? Yeah? I just just where do
(48:20):
you guys work? You know? I work for that's that
that's a space program. It stands for National Ariotics Space
and Association. Come in stands the last Stop talking to
my neighbors and what come inside? Oh? Do inside my house?
(48:46):
The neighbors? You fix that damn fence. Well, we don't
have to come inside your half that dude? Should we
just go in the kitchen's I guess we misunderstood. We
thought you were inviting everybody. Yeah, can we please go inside?
Get no, I was trying to get away from you guys.
My my husband just dog just got hit by car.
(49:06):
So what do you want eat? I want to leave crying.
I understand that, But we just we got a job
to do. Okay, well you already did the job. What
are you going through her pantry? Where's that keep the bread?
That has? So I'm looking for you, sa Dave, Dave,
let's beat it, Dave. We gotta hang for a bit.
What do you got a job to do? We're from NASA.
By the way, do you see that neighbor? Which one
the one that's all like the which one was? Well,
(49:28):
she's like, all right, where's that? I don't know. Did
we meet them or no? Yeah we met him, I
don't think so. Listen, we're gonna we're gonna head out soon.
Where do you keep your meat? Which drawer do you
have your meeting? Well? I have everything's in the fridge.
You guys, don't eat my food. You make I am
(49:49):
making sand pitches? Would she like one? Please? Okay, tell
me what happened to my daddy again? Let me just
put you up in this counter. Okay, now it's just
a gasp, Yes it is. I what was my booty? Alright?
Well do you know what space travel is? Yes? That's
my daddy does. Okay, very well he did. So what
happened was out in space? We forgot to put a
(50:12):
little peepe room spider. What's up man? You call me? Yeah?
What's going on? Man? Huh? Nothing? Just I just think
I then talking to my wife and my little baby girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
what's up you? Uh? It looks a little weird, dude, bad?
You know what? I can't find the bathroom anywise? Got bad? Man,
that's crazy, that's crazy. Publish anyone? Do you? Yep? Copy.
(50:37):
We are good. Just want you hang on that for
a second. Hu okay, so that up for second. Many
body looks like a little peepee room. Huh. I'll tell
you what inside it is like cavernous and waiting for urine.
You know what I mean. Um listen, I'm gonna grab
some of thistro and so that's all the auto recordings
we have. That's that's awful. I think that that man,
(51:01):
I think that was the man who did it. Oh, no,
we know, we know it is. Well, are you going
to retrieve him the American here? We can't. We're not
gonna arrest him that he's an astronaut. So there's laws.
But we can't have you talk about the mission because
it's hands. Have you have a refrigerator ship? The beef? Oh,
the beef, I'm burning it. That was your I thought
(51:24):
it was your daughter. I'm a girl. That's just so upset.
My beef is alright, Dave, alright, Dave, he put the
knife down, puts the knife down. We'll get it away
from the from Mrs me Long. She's fucking next. You're
gonna slice her up in pe inside of her. I
don't mind, don't do it, please, don't do it. Cut
that kid up and that white me look at Okay,
(51:47):
that's just the boo boo. Everything's fine, everybody relaxed, Dave.
I just want to go over your last couple of house.
Do you want me on the right? I'd love to
have you on the radio. Is that is that? Jo
Is Johanna? I just need jop Hanna, jop Hanny, Deep, Joe,
(52:09):
Joe Hen. They're big fans of here. I've never heard
that before. No, you're serious, not an actually song, Dave? Yeah,
what's up? I'm sorry to Dave Jones. Who's in spice?
At this point where we've lost track of who's in space?
I think it's easy to figure out that spiders sunny voice.
(52:36):
I didn't know you did funny voices? Yeah, you know,
I do. I loved it. I'll do it again. Who's
in space? Joan? So you're saying you've never heard that,
I've never heard that. Nor that was sarcastic. I think, so, Dave,
what is your problem? If we could narrow down, let's
(52:57):
go through. Do they feel like three things that are
a problem? One what you're asking me, that's what I'm
picking up. Both earth bound, yes and they've been making
house calls to a widow and I'm getting horrible reports. Well,
I don't mind. You tried to put a baby on
a stove cooking. Yes, but look, it's not my it's
(53:20):
not our fault that we have to keep going back
and talking to her. Okay, it's your job. That point
is that my falls my job. We have to keep
going back. We have to keep doing these house visits.
You don't keep going back to the same house. I
don't understand why. Next on the agenda is we have
to go visit Spider's life. I'm not doing and give
her a metal. No, yes, it seems weird. But before
(53:41):
we do that, we're gonna go to Mrs Meatlope, you're
not going back to me. We cut. Are you doing
back here? Well, I'm already gotta knock. We just want
you to know that Spider's wife is getting the metal.
Why that's salting the wind, he's getting the hero idiot.
(54:05):
You never told us to get out Mrs meat Loaf.
We want to read what's going to be inscribed in
the plaque. I don't cook these ribs or no, please
don't cook the riper for tomorrow having killed Yeah, he's
getting the metal. Yeah, so it says to the White
Spider is a national hero for his valor in slicing
(54:28):
and dicing and peeing in I think good. Please, why
are you cooking that meat ribs? I love cooking up
for every kind of sauce. I do dry. I don't
use any sauce. I let the meat speak for itself.
So I hope it's good. Yeah, I do dry to
(54:49):
my girlfriend, Johannah loves when I do dry rubs Johannah. Yeah,
I mean so, I mean, have you met her? That's
a crazy question to ask somebody who don't know. What
do you mean? Have you your girlfriend? Dude? Your girlfriend
tells your problem? A girlfriend? You said she was in Australia.
(55:12):
The hell is your deal? Man? Are you SpaceX? Might
be what is spacextand for well space and then the
X part is the X factor. Oh interesting, Yeah, so
it's are you in X? Yeah? I don't think you did, baby,
I didn't know that. Well, it's kind of a secret mission.
(55:33):
I thought you made ink blotters. No, we try to
build journals for spaceships. Oh, we need we want to
be on the cutting yea space. Hello, everybody, you're probably
finding this moment strange? Dave, what are you doing? You're
talking to you? They put you're all currently in space?
What this is a simulation? You are not actually in
(55:56):
alt Tadina, Dave, what are you doing? This is the
greatest ships alive. We're in space, baby. I don't know
how we got here, dude, when we were asleep at
aliens abductives. I don't understand. Dave, what's going on? Dave,
looking the mirror, Look in the mirror. Day you're the
one talking on the megaphone. Oh my god, I'm the
one talking on the map. There's only one day. Oh
(56:19):
my god, Dave, put your pants on. Man, be so bad.
I gotta be so bad. It's the strangest damn mission
I've ever been on. Baby. But if we survive, I
want you to know I love you and our children
I love you too. This is the mission we're on.
Apparently is blown. I thought we were just coming over
(56:41):
to visit the neighborhood. Didn't fix the damn fence outside
space too. But it's all got to be on a
ship because the outside looks like a yard. Whoa the
party one going? It's not going good. I think that
my space made who killed one already? I think he
(57:02):
needs to go to the bathroom again and I fear
for my life. Okay, so you bring us back down
to earth? What are you talking about? Could you bring
us back down like a recall? Take off the heads
over a bit? Okay? Did we agree, Joanna and Brisbane
on the radio? Did we agree that we're calling it
spice nights? I don't know what other word I can say.
(57:27):
That was protocol hearing spice night and note to myself,
spacemates was the name of our final scene in the episode. Uh,
I's like all of our alchemists today, starting with Chris Alvarano.
Thank you so much. Path you're waiting on the studio
and shout out to whoever you'd like or whatever you'd
like to all the lovely people out there. So the
(57:50):
not lovely people don't get a shout out. I understand, Venete,
I shout out to the not lovely. Let's cover all
of them ye with love love? Yeah absolutely, dot Com,
yes absolutely, and Dannie's the typewriter on Instagram and yeah
everyone that has it's a great pet owner. I would
give a mad props, right, James Zeney, thank you guys
(58:14):
for tuning in the loveliest the unlovelies. But check out
our Instagram. Danny has been killing it. Now when you
say Danny, do you mean Joey Greer? Know you keep
saying you must be out of your Who's Danny the
guy holding the camera? Oh? He was in Chicago last week. Business.
(58:36):
I didn't understand. But our Instagram's killing. Danny's killing so
and that's all you want to tell folks. Yeah, just
check out? Wait? Can you also tell him to write
and review the show? Oh? Yeah, please rate and review
the show. There's been some great since Scrowdy Wayne, I
don't remember his name, but so many other people have
(58:57):
put in great reviews. You should just go and read
the reviews times. They're fun to read. Will you read
us a couple when we do our media? Yes, let's
do that. Can you remember to do that? Oh yeah?
Joey Grierman Jeffy Greeber at the various social media that's
it Man and I just released an album. Got a
(59:17):
comedy album called good Night downloaded on Spotify, iTunes wherever.
While iTunes is still a thing iTunes if you have
Apple Music, it's free with Spotify. Wait is iTunes to
Jeopardy Going Away, that being discontinued, wait that, we'll talk
about it next episode. Let's thank your engineer to the
stars Mr Doug bab Our, post signed design artist and
(59:40):
I Heard Media. Thanks for the auspice as always, Oh
my god, I'm your host, Kevin Polk until next time.
And a football pepper and a football pepper.
All right, we have a bit of an announcement here,
(00:01):
joe you want to talk about this T shirt design contests.
I do open submission to anybody listening or a friend
of a friend pass it along. You got a design
you want to make for a T shirt, something that
you've heard on the show, that you want to live
in perpetuity in an image. Will send it to your
name here at Alchemy. This dot com submissions will be
(00:21):
done by November, and then our Patreon members are going
to be able to vote on which design they like
the best, and that one's gonna get put on a shirt. Wait, Joey,
does that mean we'll have shirts available just in time
for the holidays. Oh my gosh, that's an amazing idea.
Thank you so much. So and James, you're making sure
that we have a shirt available at where is it
(00:42):
going to be like you're gonna be located. You can
get it at the Patreon page and we'll get a
link up that will be uh put in all the
different places. Okay, so submit your designs for a new shirt.
We're gonna do as many as we approve in love,
and then the Patreon members will weigh in and vote
as well, they're votes, will cast along with hours and
we'll pick ourselves some brilliant artists. Welcome back to another
(01:06):
episode of Alchemy This I'm your host, Kevin Polligan for
the first time in eighty one shows. I'm reading this
from an iPad, not burning trees. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock.
Yes that Kevin pok. What's that the nature of my emergency? Well, gosh,
where do I begin. Let's go with politicians for four
but I digress. Let's mean our rachamists. Shall we, in
(01:29):
no particular order? Please say hello to Vanessa Raglan Venetian
since apparently it's a legit option? Would you rather have
a bird in the hand or two in the bush?
To bush? Whoa? You want to have two birds in
your bush? Yeah? I do. I'd love that. That would
be amazing. Thanks, I'd like I'd like both options. I'd
(01:50):
like one in my hand and two in my bus.
I'd like three birds, Kevin. Your your actually bush was
not on the table. A situation past the cleanex James
Eny just stepped through the portal of my heart Jinkie
(02:11):
jam Jam can a monkey driver car? And if so,
how long before they're working for Uber? Well, if they
have a tesla, there's nothing stopping them from being able to.
I mean, you just need to be able to put
your hands on the wheel for seconds of the time, right, Kevin,
that's right right? Because it lit thing comes on this
green I mean, please touch the way. I would not
have any fear of a tesla with a monkey baring.
In fact, I'd enjoy it. You drive itself for real? Well,
(02:34):
they all do, but but they don't stop it stop
signs or stop lights. They don't know because they want
you to stay engaged. Can I take back my thing
with the monkey? I don't want to know. Kevin drives
a Honda fit the page and please let Chris Alvarado in, sir,
What does it actually sound like when doves cry? Um?
(02:58):
It sounds like it's the same noise that Joey gream
makes when he comes. What I've heard him both, and
they're very similar. Hey, the guys just being honest. You
keep your close left to my bush, you'll find out
is what it sounds like when it comes. And the
(03:18):
last number or freak flag never fly. If you think
him leaves, it's Joey Greer Greer near far and forgotten.
What time. Can you pick me up tonight for Fest nineteen. Man,
I have to push. I'm not gonna be able to
make tonight, honestly, Yeah, no, I I got an I
know my hammy is all tight. I'm gonna make it
for the weekend, but I can't make it for the
(03:38):
by the week Okay, little milk bath um. We want
a further our announcement that you may have already heard
and invite you to the v i P member of
our new Patreon page. Fairly knew at this point live
video meet ups with the cast, bonus episodes like the
live shows from West Side Comedy Theater. There's a phone
number just for v i P members. You can call in,
leave a message, a question, or request all the topless
(04:01):
Alvarado content. That's right. If that's your request. Listen, if somebody,
if somebody pays the premium, the premium, top dollar, you'll get. Yeah,
top dollar means topless, Chris. That's all I'm saying. You'll
be disappointed, and also attend one of our regular live
(04:26):
Q and a meet up. So those it's gonna actual,
They're not gonna go live, We're gonna record them, Is
that right? James are you talking about on Sundays. Yeah,
I mean the goal is to be live, but maybe
not this weekend because this won't come out of the
announcement for it being live, will be so later. But yeah,
eventually Sundays will have meetups. It's probably already live by
the time they're here. Or is this the one we're
gonna cut and we can cut it so, like you know,
(04:49):
I'm taking my shirt off. Okay, trips coming off. It's
an opportunity to be creatively involved in our weekly episodes,
as only the i P members will be able to
all kinds of cool ship. So please, if you want
to be a super core fan, join our Patreon page.
Yeah yeah, our first scene, like all of our scenes,
(05:09):
came from one of you, the listeners. If you'd like
to submit your scene suggestions, please write to the podcast
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here and alchemy this this dot com. My first
scene comes from Steen. That's how it's pronounced from Norway.
Just write to him who wrote Hia. I've heard all
(05:35):
your episodes, especially like Vanessa's crack horror voice. Everyone has
a different description. I don't know which one that is
that right, now um and generally and and and the confused,
generally ignorant Marvin mceugh from the concierge sketch. Well, Chris,
you were the concierge in that sket but it wasn't.
(05:58):
I mean, some say I set up that alle you,
but I don't. League and Assists. I think everyone knows that.
My suggestion he goes on a cruise ship with American
tourists passing through a Norwegian feud, suddenly face a catastrophic threat.
A select few of the passengers and crew are let
(06:19):
in on the situation and must save everyone else. And please,
if you're trying to do a Norwegian accent, at least
don't do a German one. Alright, So if anyone wants
to try a little Norwegian, I don't like that set
up for us to fail. Stan from Norway now moved
(06:42):
to the right tickets for that. Okay, Hey Sean, Sean,
I'm sorry to water slot break this up. I just
want to let you know that some of the other
monkmates and I have got together and we've asked you
to switch bunks. Not again, Yeah, not again, Sean, I'm sorry. Okay,
(07:05):
you just you're taking them too much space. I'm bringing
Up'm bringing the positivity and I've been I've been better
on on the deck, but below deck? Do we have
any Lincoln berries? Hello? What do you need Lincoln? Open
your mouth? Catch it? Are you keeping most Lincoln berries
in your You're going to poison them? How what do
(07:28):
you the pesticides in your pants? This isn't this This
feels like a personal attack. Sean. I can't be more
clear than it is. I'm assistant activities director, assistant Sean. Yeah, okay,
there's a lot of other activities beside of teaching people
how to dance and throwing beads of fruit. Of them
have problem here? Yeah? Actually we do. I don't want
to be called ma'am, sir. I don't want to be
(07:50):
called sir. D Um Janney, Thank you, Janney. Everything's fine,
as you can tell. The passengers are having a great time.
See that. Everyone seems a little hyped up. And you
two are arguing, arguing on the deck where everyone can
see you. Sorry, Janet, we just need a bunk switch.
That's all. Bunk switch. We put in through the proper channel. Whoa,
(08:16):
this is the fourth time we've had you be requested
to Janet, Yes, can you tell me about the bunk
switches and Sector four? I could. I wish I could
tell you about him. Tim, Well, but they're happening in
your area, so they are happening in I'm not responsible. Sure,
I'm trying to engender a really positive relationship and I'm
(08:36):
being super positive and I would love to have your
job one day. Um, but yeah, there's this. You know,
I think Sean is a problem. If you had my job,
what would you say to Janet standing in front of me,
Say you're a deep ship honey, that's right. I know.
I know how this looks. I know how this looks.
Doesn't look good, But I gotta say Sean's the problem,
and I think we should kill him. Kill him. I
(08:58):
don't want to tell anyone but you that, and I
think we should cover it up. But I do think. Sorry,
I just have to say that I was listening in
excuse me, or if you're talking about the killing somebody
on the ship, I didn't say killing, it's what she means. No,
I think there's a language barrier because you have that
stupid voice. I said, no, I don't think so. Do
you work on the ship. I'm the captain of the ship.
(09:20):
This is my ship. Why are you wearing a propeller? Hate?
It makes it the effort for me to keep my
know which way the wind is blowing. If I look
at how far the propeller moves in one direction, that's
not how propellers were Sorry sir that you overheard that.
But Janet is looking over sector fourth or nine and
there with the section problems, and we didn't want to
(09:40):
bring them to the captain. This is the first time
I've met the captain. Yes, me too. Stay behind the door.
It's locked, right, So why did you venture out this time? Well,
I like to get the taste of what's going on
in the sheets. Since when Sean's a big problem, locked
the door, locked the door, Captain, Sean is a big problem.
Justin we disposed with Sean. We've gotten seventeen requests for
(10:01):
him to be moved. I don't know what else to do.
You could technically fall overboard. Is that a thing. Let's
take a look at this map here, let's unfold it. Okay,
we're about to go into an area that I think
would be easy to lose a body. Is it a fjord?
It's a funeral exactly. Okay, So once we get to
the Fiord, all we need to do is get a
(10:23):
distraction and then we can push this. Let me get
some more chicken fingers. I don't know what's going on, man.
The captain is looking crazy. He doesn't understand when propulsion
or even anything else. I've been telling him for weeks
that the radiators are going to overheat the giant radiator
in the center of the ship. It feels the whole
damn thing it's gonna blow. No, uh no, no, iutling class.
(10:45):
That's what I love you. Let me get some more
chicken fingers. It's just crazy. It's like we got twelve
thousand people aboard this ship, and every single one of
them's lives are in the palm of a hand of
a guy who wears propeller hats, propeller pants. You know,
he's got propellers all over about it. You don't have
to check the wind, you goddamn said, but but light, Yeah,
I think one of those. And and and the thing
(11:07):
that just irks my burke all the way up the
stock is that there's just no way to get through
to the guy. Chicken fingers. Okay, okay, no, den. You know,
do you guys really speak Spanish? It feels like you're
(11:31):
just using like a few words. I'm just like, I'm
overhearing and it feels like fake. Um. I think that
you don't want to talk to that man, and you're
you're pretending, Hey, Julian, don't you get us a bucket
of fries? Huh? How are you? I'm okay? So are
you talking about it? Julian? There? I don't think your
(11:52):
buddy likes him. He's pretending he doesn't speak English, but
I'm like, really sure he does. He listens to the
action really well and he doesn't speak full sentences of Spanish.
So your guests on the ship, huh, yeah, that's great.
Have you noticed the boat is like drifting in weird ways? Yeah.
I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I'm on
(12:13):
the observation deck driving it around and just get blow up.
I shouldn't be talking. Can we get some the radiator
is going to blow up? What are you doing on
the observation deck? What? K oh my god? Oh ship? Okay, everybody,
(12:43):
it's the chicken dance tie. Please please have the smoke
coming from a back because we're making it hot. Anybody now, guys,
I am On. I am the assistant activities director's here today.
(13:03):
There's an emergency at the starboard hall. Okay, Janet, I'm
not moving out of my bunk right now. You have
to see this that you love animals. There's a porpoise
stuck in the fjord. Porpoise. Give me one second, all right, everybody,
I need you all to play a game of Simon says,
as I leave. Okay, Simon says, close your eyes. Okay,
where is it your assets? You can't say that to
(13:25):
me over there, look down further down and and let
this see. And now we've got to Sean and that
should be good, right sir? Are you from Norway or Italy?
I'm from Norway? Okay, this is a Norwegian accent. You
(13:49):
don't want me to speak in Norway. If you hear
my native language, it would just make no sense to you.
Your native language. That was tam you're worried about his accent,
which killed Sean from there's a chance that the dolphins
will take can of There's no dolphin, you fucking idiot.
(14:10):
That was my excuse to get him a little there.
I heard that was this little sound thing do it again.
It's really good. That's the button and it makes that noise.
That's a really good one. What is this smell like smoke?
I don't believe fire usually fire is that it's causes
(14:30):
smoke machines and he gadgets and he whistled moms. That
can tell us where the smoke's coming from. Your propellers
are all spending really well, let's follow. The gage is
going up. The goddamn mapp here. I need to turn
down with a fifteen to Greece North. Now, more coal
inside this god more game not. I need to move
all those towels and those wet blankets out of here.
There dasting gasoline. Everyone moved. We gotta press ourselves against
(14:52):
the wall. Those pylons are gonna blow. It looks like
where the smoke is coming from. Guys, what are we
down here? We killed? Shot, we killed telling everyone, don't
give the goddamn I need your help right now. How
giant red house? What's giant to three times the size
of a man? Shot? Shut shut, shut, shut, shut shut.
(15:16):
The passengers don't know what's going on. We've got to
keep them out of this, and I neither send one
of you in there to keep them, and I got captain.
I gotta tell you your personality is pretty spectacular. And
do you want me to go down? Then take anything
there we've killed obviously not all right, everybody, it's a
(15:40):
special movement. I think you don't can tell by all
the propellers on me. So this is what you guys
must all. Simond says that, god, dude, I got equation.
Oh I haven't now was playing mid Simon says game
her as Chloe for quite a while. You get bumping
into people, so we opened their eyes. Well that means
you lose. Well that's fine. We're fine with losing. We
(16:02):
used to. We're smell smoke though't were wondering where there's smoke,
there's far usually or ribs, ribs. We would prefer alcohol.
Oh yeah, yeah. Where there's where there's smoke, there's Alcohol's
if I was to say, they would have better have
(16:23):
been soaked ribs and it's going to be alcohol. And
but don't say that again. It sounds weird. Rips. Yeah, yeah,
that sounds kind of goof where from cap Norregia? You
know these things. I'm the captain of this. Do you
mean Norway? Yeah, that's you're spinning things. You come clean
(16:46):
with this cab from you feel like you're from Sicily
or so Ccily. I was just thinking, Sherman Oaks, Cantfornia.
If you've got a problem here in this boat, we're
all mechanics, we'll be having anything. We got a ninja
dream mechanics. What do you need? Well, honestly, the last
thing that I heard is I need a wrench through
times decizello. Everybody, Oh shit, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait,
(17:15):
Who the hell's that coming out of the water. He's
riding a dolphin? That shan, you get that gun? That
dolphin can't survive on the deck. Yes, he can, it's
just not o. A couple of things. One, I am
no longer assistant activities director. I am full time activities director.
And to my friend, dolphin man here is pretty cool.
(17:38):
So what's the issue. I didn't kill a man. Are
you that gun? Oh my god? Okay, Sean, look man,
my bad. I didn't know. Oh damn, I killed the
dolphin inside the dolphin and there's tinier doll. Oh my god.
(18:02):
What None of this would have happened if you didn't
ask me to leave the bunk. Sorry, put the barrel,
this gun in your mouth, that suck that thing. There
you go, there you go, And my fantasy has come
true of pregnant dolphin dying at the end of a sketch.
(18:25):
That was really that was it. I'm sorry you killed
the person in that sketch, right, No, I don't remember that.
I tried to, but you came back. We'd like to
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let me try this and anodized You got anodized anodized
aluminum craig is that right? And and anodized aluminum is
that right? That's my new vocal warm up and anodized
(19:32):
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(19:54):
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(20:14):
All these bad boys too, vaness, well what I like
and call me practical. You're practical. I like the removable
laundry bags you can separate your dirty clothes. I'm always
in a hotel room scrounging for that dry cleaner bag
they leave in the thing, and they're not always there. No,
they're not always there, and they're not big enough. So
this is let's keep it all separated, let's keep it
(20:35):
clean so we can have a nice trip yet animals. Now, Chris,
you have one of these, I have one. I have
the bigger carry on. It's honestly the perfect bag. The
design is insane. The attention to detail is just out
of this world. There's some great removable Yeah, the charger
for your phone, that's right, So it has a charger,
you can just plug your phone. And when you're waiting
(20:55):
at the airport, and if you do one of those things,
which is what I do to avoid um checking about
on because it's it's small enough to be a carry on, right,
And then when they say, hey, we're asking for bags
to be checked out for free, right, I got I
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(21:16):
sounds weird, but sometimes I see these ugliest things at
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(21:37):
Thank you Away. See two comes from Jason, who wrote
high Second Family. Let's get this out of the way.
James need the best fun. Everyone else stand this culture
that we've created. I created. I don't think I created
your cult. I'm a teacher in Australia and I travel
a lot. After discovering your podcast, I find myself looking
(22:00):
forward to long trips because I get to lose my ship,
which makes me think you all have probably caused accidents,
you monsters. Recently, on a school excursion, I was ignoring
my students to get my alchemy on. Listening to James
Heeney as a toilet paper company's CEO getting overly excited
by a quote unquote winding machine made me silently convolve
(22:21):
so much that the other teachers and students thought I
was suffering in medical condition. Here's my scene suggestion A
day in the classroom, except the teacher is a child
and the students are grown ups. That's it. Have fun.
I lied, I love you all. Although James Heeney is
best James, thanks, and from Jason t Chairs. I don't
(22:48):
know ship two left it. But if it's like it's
not we got to make sure that bring my kid.
We just built around it. If that's a problem, if
that's what we wanted. You want a call? Yeah, I
(23:09):
am on a call. Okay, So we're trying to start
a class. Does anyone have a quark? What's I started yet?
So when it starts? I mean, so we're all, aren't you? Blessed? Everybody?
Could everybody please just calm down? I'm about to teach.
What's happening? What's happening? What's up? Guy? I'm I'm substitute
(23:32):
teaching for the normal professor that usually teaches this class.
What's your name? My name is Bobby, And Bobby, what
makes you think you're qualified to teach us? We're growing up? Well?
I was hired through a vigorous interview process and I've
been chosen this one. If this is a prank show,
I'm doing this. I'm going to kick your as signed
uh you know any kind of release form? I don't
(23:54):
want to be on reality television again. It already ruined
my life once? What makes What were you on? Where's
the I was on Where's the Hamster? And to ruin
my life once? And you said where's the Hampton's that
one I love? Oh that's a great one. Where's the Hamster?
Is is your time? I'm not either way? So if
you guys don't want to learn, okay, don't learn. Excuse me?
(24:16):
What was my name's Bobby. It's just hard for us
to believe that you are going to help teach us
build websites. He's not wrong, is it? Dave? Dave? Hey,
my name is Dave. To thank you, Carl. Dave's made
a hell of a point. It's a real boys club
in here. Well Dave, I don't know, doesn't have a lighter. Listen,
thank you. I need you guys to concentrate because I
(24:38):
am a webmass. Okay, just computers are like a second language.
I had to be just language since I was born.
No smoking in this class. I'm not smoking. I'm huffing
the lighter. How old are you? I am thirteen? Okay,
I'm thirteen years old. What do you said? I forgot
(25:00):
said you? Should have gone through year olds or like
full people. You're like, wait a second, baby's walking in
your kid. It's not my kid, it's my little brother,
my little brother. He doesn't say this is a ship show?
Is this an accredited university? Until I will go straight
to the dark web and you guys, lives will all
be over. You can teach us how to get to
(25:21):
the dark web. I mean, yeah, of course I can't.
It's about building a web. Okay. I'm looking over your
resume here and uh says here that you're over thirteen.
I am, okay, Well, we're not looking for that right now.
We're looking for a young young kids, young young little
boys and girls to teach. That's illegal, is it? We're
(25:42):
an accredited university. I understand that, and I am a
teacher with full certifications. I have my masters, my e D.
What are you looking at me like that for? It
just seems that everything you recognize me from a show
Where's my Hipster? Is that where I see you from?
I've never seen someone exposed there anus like that on TV.
(26:05):
Let me get this straight. You you you want to
teach this class and now you're just taking this class.
I tried to teach it, and yeah, that doesn't Why
doesn't it make sense to you? I wanted in, I'm
getting in. Did you know our our teacher was going
to be thirteen? I had my suspicions when the person
who interviewed me said I was too old. You are
(26:27):
a little old. I'm forty two. My name is Dave
and his name you? Listen, why did you tell you
that I don't need that? Carl? I'm familiar. Hi Carl? Anyway,
the man who interviewed me, you were too old? Can
I Carl? I got it? Two? Dave's in a Carl
(26:51):
in a tiny little toddler, Bobby, how long is this break?
Are we supposed to be on break for a while?
I guess a new interviewed me said he's looking for
someone under thirty. Okay, so listen, come in. Can I
trust you? Guys? Jesus, I can do you one better
than recording it. What are these envelopes? Are you giving
(27:12):
the look? This a little money? Okay, just a little
money for I'm trying to do an expose. Shut I'm
not forty seven, I'm forty two. Look at my skin. Okay, listen,
what I want to do? Expose Okay, this is hush money.
For now we're going to crack the story open. I'm
going to get my life back on track. So we
(27:34):
don't talk. This is so we don't talk until I
published the expose. That's going to get my life back
on track. All right, guys, that was the break, and
now it's time to car next thing. Excuse me, what
was that I said? I wish I could have children. Oh,
I'm so sorry. They're a blessing. I really blessed my parents.
They're so proud of me. What's your brother's name? My
(27:55):
brother's name is We call him too, and he does
speak very well. You see your teacher's assistant. No, I
just have to babysit him because Mike while you teach up.
I am so sorry. Are you not okay with having
a child? I'm not. This baby is making eye contact
with me right now. Okay, let me pick up. I
(28:16):
think it knows my name. It could be are you
talking to me? Or the day? Which day? Which day? Baby?
Which day? What secrets do you have you seen? Baby? Genius?
A child knows everything up to a certain point, and
then once they crust that point, I forgot all the
story that is not the story where I gotta take
(28:39):
this baby, Bobby. I'm sorry, I gotta take how much
for this baby? All right? Turn it over? Okay, there
we go. Okay, upside going do this quick, mat on.
I want to just want to get to the table.
How much all right? I can give you in dollars cash,
(29:03):
I'll do fifty grand. You got to make a dollar
over here. It's cash shirty too. There you go. Okay,
hey baby, baby sleeping, I was sleeping ship Um, that's
when late. You know, I'm home from class. Remember remember
(29:26):
when you were saying you wouldn't sleep with me because
you don't respect me because I don't do much with
my life. But I am in that web building class
and I thought maybe that would turn turn you on. Hey, Dave,
that relationship you have a screepy ships. I mean, you
know she's of age, but she sounds like a tod
She just sounds like a baby. It's that's her night voice.
It's weird when she clears the throat. It's better alright, man,
(29:47):
because every time we've hung out with the Buffalo wild Wings,
that's how she talks because she's it's a nighttime only
hang out. Also, who are you to give him about
how a girlfriend sound? Damn, Carl was a friend to
a friend. I think I can do that. Friend to
a friend, says you, girlfriend sounds like an idiot. Boo,
you don't think. Yeah, you're proud of me in class? Wow,
(30:13):
you want to see to David Carl. No, that's my
teacher out there. That's Bobby Carl. Nipples her heart? Yeah, right,
kidding me? All right, baby, i' seeing a little bit it. Okay. See,
I'm telling me she didn't respect me for a very
long time. Right. That woman is an idiot. She doesn't
respect her an idiot, Dave, she doesn't respect herself. What
(30:34):
do you mean? How can you tell that she's got
a little toddlers football. Maybe she's so intelligent, she's figured
it all out. She's a lady genius. She's come back
to the other side. That's not what a lady genius?
How are you talking about? What are you calling? I
gotta go. Don't take my wife for a right? What
(30:59):
do you think? Jerry thirty seven? You ships sixty? Hey,
sorry with so you missed something. So it's control v V.
(31:20):
I'm so sorry, but you took my brother earlier. There's
no way to prove that. No, I mean, I'm Bobby, professor, Bobby,
you know how long have you been teaching? This is
this is my first class. But don't think of me
as a I'm good at it and that's how I
got the job. But this is my first She picks
me up at did they hire you as a contractor
(31:41):
or I'm an independent contractor, but I could be a
staff members early in the morning. What do you do
after class? Get the cup, Bobby, Okay, okay, get the mom.
People gave me a really hard time at school today,
like this a grateful but I'm driving it. No, they'll
(32:03):
just like suck on a little bit, puff it up.
You don't like it? Hate smoking? Oh, cops, put this
cocaine in your pants. Put this cocaine. Put this mustard,
mustrooms mustard. Come in. I'm not getting in the vehicle.
(32:25):
Oh absolutely. We just rolled down the window. How are you, ma'am? Yes,
a license and registration. Okay, let me find in here.
Let me just look for it really quick. I saw that.
We just take your seat. Do you see your team?
(32:46):
There we go, let's go listen. We here at the station,
all agree not to call you a woman. Cop, lady cop,
because you wanted to just be called cop officer. Is
that correct? Terrific um? And yet you also begged us
(33:10):
to put you on the four am beat. Is that correct? Yeah,
which is typically one of the hardest beats to patrol. Great,
So once again, once again we trusted you again. Where
the problem is? You pulled over somebody and they sped off.
(33:30):
That's on them, Sergeant Tinkle. Sergeant Tinkle, Yes, they ran
over my fucking foot. Yes, I think we just have
a text message from your wife. Let me see. Okay,
I am getting that's under your business, lady copy alright, alright,
(33:51):
I want to respect you. You do a terrible job.
I that is not on me. Here's the good news.
Your dash cam take a picture of the license plate,
so we have the address of the purpose to do
a little health call. Yes, please get your act together.
(34:13):
You get your act together. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I
said that. Captain. I'm gonna ask you a question because
Captain I couldn't remember what his title. Captain Tinkle to you,
I'm your search everyone else on the Captain, do you
work at the station or front assistant? Friend, I need
a new partner. This is Sean. Yeah, we've already moved
(34:37):
to three or four times already. I understand, but I
just can't deal with the constant nagging and complaining. You know,
we're out there in the field. We got a job
to do. We got we have to serve, right, we
have to protect, and he's just complaining constantly about what everything.
Excuse me, I've been waiting in the car, going the car.
(35:00):
I've been waiting outside with the car running. That's wasting. Yeah,
and I gave you a couple of minutes. It's been
like this Sunday on Fox two Cops on the beat
that you need to see Carl and Sean hit the streets. Okay,
we wanted him out to we go. We get a
burger and fries were done to get back on the
street with the hottest arrest you've ever heard. Good, don't.
(35:24):
We don't have time for food right now. It's this
is not the sexiest arrest you've ever heard. Put your
clothes back on. You're not supposed to have clothes off.
Your officer, not a stripper. I understand it was hot
you These arrests are gonna get you off, guarantee it.
Why are you wearing handcuffs. I can't find the key man,
(35:45):
But why did you put him on in the first place, Carl.
These arrests are gonna make you ask me, Oh, that's disgusting.
What are you doing in the car, Carl? I'm trying
to ask questions to the voiceover guy got ship. These
arrests are getting me off. Why does heitor realized? Why
(36:06):
doesn't he just let people know what channel we're on
and what time we're on? This is insane. I don't
understand what we're watching so the cops can hear the
voice the voice over, I don't know what are we watching? Well,
I mean, is this YouTube or TV? I think it's
Internet for sure. It says Fox, but it feels like internet.
(36:30):
He said come and it takes. But you can say
come because you could be spelling it like ejaculate, Sergeant Tinkle.
I hate to be the guy that keeps complaining about Alex.
Excuse me, Lady Cole, Hey, anyway, don't We've been having
(36:52):
to write along with the producers from the show, and
they are distracting. I'm trying to be a police officer
and they're I hear the are you recasting? Well, I'm
just I'm curious you're cast. I'm a cop cast member. Well,
you know what, you can get killed off at any minute.
That's not a threat. Al Right, guys, uh, we're gonna
(37:13):
be casting for a new cop show on Fox. Is
going to be a premier on Sundays, and it's waited
for a second. So just everyone give me your headshots
and resume. We're looking for somebody under thirteen, as mammy,
did you get your lunch older in there? Not yet? Okay,
let me get Let me get too hummusburgers. I don't
want anyone don't want that with a lettuce wrap, grilled onions, mushrooms, zucchini,
and a little bit of a spigano. Okaya all the
(37:34):
way through the exactly I've had that too. Okay, so
let's just get right to it. Do we get a
lunch in the bullpen? Are we in a bullpen? You're
just auditioning, Thank you very much. Okay, So let's let's
just get you right into it. We have twelve great um,
I feel like she's much older. She sounds like a
(37:58):
toddler though, yeah, it's your forty one. Might work older
to play younger. So I like the audition okay, great. Um,
I love sports and I make my own jello awesome. Okay, great,
So let's just get in the scenario here. We have
one of our fellow actors here is gonna do a
scene with you. Okay, and he start on page three,
(38:20):
okay three, So do you have any questions? Do you
understand what's going on? Totally? Okay? Great? So this uh,
this person right here is gonna play a purp and
I'm going to be filming your feet. Great. And so
what he's been doing has been a stuffing cadavers with drugs,
just like in Bad Boys Too. Are you familiar? I
have the script right here, okay. So there's certain extra
extacy pills that have been stamped, and that's how we're
gonna find out where they are. I'm doing fine. And
(38:42):
so you are in an on tops room a morgue,
and you're in Mount Miami South Beach. Okay, and get
it together all right? You know? And there's a and
just like in the film, there's a cadaver with breast
that like it inappropriately touches. So we start, yes, we can,
and we're gonna we're gonna start what Ever, when I
start blinking, you start looking me in the eyes when
(39:03):
I start blinking. Okay, what time you get four? Okay,
you weren't supposed to be here till thirty? What's up?
I'm early? That's right. I was wondering why you're early?
This is pretty good drugs say that while he's auditioning
drug you're early because of the drugs? Is there just
(39:23):
one line on each page everywhere? Yeah? Yeah, you got
you got that. Listen. I'm uh huh sure. Let's see
that again. Let's go from the top again, and this
time does he really have one word on every page? Yes, yes,
it's easier that way. That's how he branded it. He
(39:45):
can't figure the printer out. It's easy that. I can't
figure that. I took a class on this stuff. It
just this professor. He was old as ship. He didn't
know what. It doesn't matter. I don't know, like the
gotta go to a zoo USA if you want to
go to that online college. No, it's not online, it's
in real life and they have professors as young as
(40:06):
thirteen are teaching you the most cutting edge approach to
the dark web and other things. And also you should
be able to figure out how to work that printer
in no time. It's content so good it'll make you
come into Hi gang. I got my brother listening, so
(40:32):
I did my part. Shout out to Ben. We go
back to the first moon landing mission. The astronauts have
just taken off, but soon after takeoff, they realized that
NASA engineers did not include a bathroom. Frantically, they are
in touch with Houston to create such a device. Allah
(40:52):
Apollo thirteen and can't wait to hear what happens. PS.
I love you all equally from Corey. Uh, wake up Houston,
wake up man? Wake can you talking to him? You're sleep?
(41:15):
I'll call if you're a sleep may but on this
for thirty seven hours. A. Yeah, this is Houston. We
just want to make sure you Felas had that third
meal and everything is that you can do? Is that?
Is that? Is that a bad thing? Yeah? Well that's
probably that's coming from your end. That that sounds that's
not that's not me. It's got to be from year around.
(41:37):
Oh I found Is that is that bad? Is that me? Well?
I don't know if it's bad or you? But how
did that third meal go? And went good? Uh? Third
meal went good? We are eating our FilmOn. Yeah, secret recipe,
A secret recipe. Excuse excuse me? Excuse me to call.
(42:00):
I can't seem to find the bathroom. I've checked and
this is the last door and you're here, so it's
not a bathroom, right, I need to use the restroom.
I I feel a little sick. That's on you. I
got I get on what to do for you? Okay?
Does any can we do a quick roll call of
who's in the shuttle and who's in at Houston? Why
(42:23):
do we have to do that? It's not for me?
You know, it's protocol. Everything around the control center you'll
see who's there up in so I know you are.
You have to say when I call your name, you
to say Space or Houston? How many people? Why did
you look around yourself and see? If it's not for me,
it's protocol. Okay, So I want to call your name,
(42:45):
Please say either Space or Houston. Okay, we go? Uh Derek,
thank you? Johanna. I'm sorry? Did you say Derek was
in space? Okay? Because I'm on the Apollo thirteen. There's
there's no Derek here here? Is there another Johanna? You're
(43:06):
in in Brisbane? Okay? You shouldn't be on this channel.
I didn't know what we're talking about. No, well we
have Apolo seventy one. What is going on coming over Brisbane?
I think you guys are tracking Polo. Okay, yes, I'm
in space and there is an emergence space. We're not
(43:26):
there just yet, Johanna. Okay, Derek, did you get in
contact with Houston. I've been talking to them and they
are just doing roll call right now. So I have
no answers. Oh, Man, I did something sucked up? What
did you do? Just they fucked up? What did you do?
I cut up Sean and the pete inside of Man.
(43:47):
I didn't know where to go. Man, I didn't know
where to go. No, no, no, no, no, no, Spider, No,
you're in space a space. Okay, great, look this test
is flawed. Then if that guy doesn't know where he is,
we have to redo it. Okay, well, okay, just real quick,
I don't think the test is flawed. Sean Sean, Sean
(44:10):
wasn't okay, Johanna, can we just get a live feed
on him? Derek, Derek, I just wanted Derek speaking in space. Uh,
this is an emergency, So if we could just skip
this next name. Okay, so that Spider's screaming, right, who's
taking roll? Call? I am Spice. We haven't gotten to me.
Oh my god, hold on that. You gotta be quiet.
(44:32):
That's my god. Do I cut his body up in Houston? Spider?
Oh my god? Can you please? Okay? Spider side side
and cut him up side? He caught up Sean and
a crazy sense of humor and Australian actually what we
(44:55):
we joke like that too? Good? From my story report,
I did mind on the Apollo seventy one mission. There's
no such thing. Sit down they that did happen? It
did happen to Pete, and sit down. If anybody brings
up any missions that they've heard their parents talk about
that I don't have in this book, your ass is grass.
(45:19):
Mr and Mrs Morgan, thank you for coming into my office. Egency, Well,
the emergency is that your son is spitting some conspiracy
theories to the class and it's wait, wait, wait, wait,
that's my husband the Apolo seventy one mission. Oh my god,
did you tell him? Of course I told him. It's employees' studying.
He's ten years old and it's not a conspiracy theory.
(45:44):
We lost a good uncle on that. Hi Mrs me Loaf, Yeah, um,
you know me, of course I do. You've worked with
our family for Sean and you've gone Wait, come inside,
thank you very much. Do you remember that's Dave. I'm Dave. Um.
Please have a seat. Okay, why are we back? It's
(46:06):
about okay, it's a cliffy fee? Okay, should I should
sit down? You should probably sit down? Are you gonna stand?
Do you guys mind if we stand in the backyard.
Mrs metelof Sean come come with me. Let's go. I
want to lift the fee out in the backyard, just
through this glass door. All right, Sean is dead, Oh
(46:28):
my god. But it gets a little bit worse. Are
these crystals he didn't die? Are these crystal? Those aren't real?
Crystal nose? They look real? Those were from Sean didn't
die in a respectable manner. He was cut up, and
then Pete and side He was cut up and then
Pete and sead of Okay, okay, okay, the other bend
(46:52):
news is spider, Hey, neighbor, what's going on? Okay? You
know what? I'm having a private conversation. Maybe if you
want a private convert stations. Maybe you should fix your fence.
Like I mentioned, missus meat love just please guys, gang
bang just miss now her husband died. Her husband's dead, Sean, Yeah,
he got cut up in the every business, Come back inside.
(47:14):
I don't want to be in the yard, you know,
you know what. I don't want to be near your backyard.
But you won't fix your damn fans. Bitch. But Jane,
what's happening now? He was having a party with I
don't know what she's doing, but she's out there with
some guys and suits root and Sean got cut up
and piston. It's none of your guys business. Come on bus, Okay,
(47:37):
I will premise. And if your dog poops on my
yard again, honey, I'm stuffing her. Please do Mommy, mommy,
what why are you quieting? I'm let's go inside of
old your good I'm month one months old, forty good
months here because your daddy got cut up and people
(47:58):
don't say it. I like to come in. I don't
want to have this is this? Is this crystal or
fake crystals? Crystal? No, just meat loaves do not have crystal.
They can't even fix the damn fence. If you found out.
That's Crystal. Sell it to me. Where do you think
you are a cowboy? Yeah? I just just where do
(48:20):
you guys work? You know? I work for that's that
that's a space program. It stands for National Ariotics Space
and Association. Come in stands the last Stop talking to
my neighbors and what come inside? Oh? Do inside my house?
(48:46):
The neighbors? You fix that damn fence. Well, we don't
have to come inside your half that dude? Should we
just go in the kitchen's I guess we misunderstood. We
thought you were inviting everybody. Yeah, can we please go inside?
Get no, I was trying to get away from you guys.
My my husband just dog just got hit by car.
(49:06):
So what do you want eat? I want to leave crying.
I understand that, But we just we got a job
to do. Okay, well you already did the job. What
are you going through her pantry? Where's that keep the bread?
That has? So I'm looking for you, sa Dave, Dave,
let's beat it, Dave. We gotta hang for a bit.
What do you got a job to do? We're from NASA.
By the way, do you see that neighbor? Which one
the one that's all like the which one was? Well,
(49:28):
she's like, all right, where's that? I don't know. Did
we meet them or no? Yeah we met him, I
don't think so. Listen, we're gonna we're gonna head out soon.
Where do you keep your meat? Which drawer do you
have your meeting? Well? I have everything's in the fridge.
You guys, don't eat my food. You make I am
(49:49):
making sand pitches? Would she like one? Please? Okay, tell
me what happened to my daddy again? Let me just
put you up in this counter. Okay, now it's just
a gasp, Yes it is. I what was my booty? Alright?
Well do you know what space travel is? Yes? That's
my daddy does. Okay, very well he did. So what
happened was out in space? We forgot to put a
(50:12):
little peepe room spider. What's up man? You call me? Yeah?
What's going on? Man? Huh? Nothing? Just I just think
I then talking to my wife and my little baby girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
what's up you? Uh? It looks a little weird, dude, bad?
You know what? I can't find the bathroom anywise? Got bad? Man,
that's crazy, that's crazy. Publish anyone? Do you? Yep? Copy.
(50:37):
We are good. Just want you hang on that for
a second. Hu okay, so that up for second. Many
body looks like a little peepee room. Huh. I'll tell
you what inside it is like cavernous and waiting for urine.
You know what I mean. Um listen, I'm gonna grab
some of thistro and so that's all the auto recordings
we have. That's that's awful. I think that that man,
(51:01):
I think that was the man who did it. Oh, no,
we know, we know it is. Well, are you going
to retrieve him the American here? We can't. We're not
gonna arrest him that he's an astronaut. So there's laws.
But we can't have you talk about the mission because
it's hands. Have you have a refrigerator ship? The beef? Oh,
the beef, I'm burning it. That was your I thought
(51:24):
it was your daughter. I'm a girl. That's just so upset.
My beef is alright, Dave, alright, Dave, he put the
knife down, puts the knife down. We'll get it away
from the from Mrs me Long. She's fucking next. You're
gonna slice her up in pe inside of her. I
don't mind, don't do it, please, don't do it. Cut
that kid up and that white me look at Okay,
(51:47):
that's just the boo boo. Everything's fine, everybody relaxed, Dave.
I just want to go over your last couple of house.
Do you want me on the right? I'd love to
have you on the radio. Is that is that? Jo
Is Johanna? I just need jop Hanna, jop Hanny, Deep, Joe,
(52:09):
Joe Hen. They're big fans of here. I've never heard
that before. No, you're serious, not an actually song, Dave? Yeah,
what's up? I'm sorry to Dave Jones. Who's in spice?
At this point where we've lost track of who's in space?
I think it's easy to figure out that spiders sunny voice.
(52:36):
I didn't know you did funny voices? Yeah, you know,
I do. I loved it. I'll do it again. Who's
in space? Joan? So you're saying you've never heard that,
I've never heard that. Nor that was sarcastic. I think, so, Dave,
what is your problem? If we could narrow down, let's
(52:57):
go through. Do they feel like three things that are
a problem? One what you're asking me, that's what I'm
picking up. Both earth bound, yes and they've been making
house calls to a widow and I'm getting horrible reports. Well,
I don't mind. You tried to put a baby on
a stove cooking. Yes, but look, it's not my it's
(53:20):
not our fault that we have to keep going back
and talking to her. Okay, it's your job. That point
is that my falls my job. We have to keep
going back. We have to keep doing these house visits.
You don't keep going back to the same house. I
don't understand why. Next on the agenda is we have
to go visit Spider's life. I'm not doing and give
her a metal. No, yes, it seems weird. But before
(53:41):
we do that, we're gonna go to Mrs Meatlope, you're
not going back to me. We cut. Are you doing
back here? Well, I'm already gotta knock. We just want
you to know that Spider's wife is getting the metal.
Why that's salting the wind, he's getting the hero idiot.
(54:05):
You never told us to get out Mrs meat Loaf.
We want to read what's going to be inscribed in
the plaque. I don't cook these ribs or no, please
don't cook the riper for tomorrow having killed Yeah, he's
getting the metal. Yeah, so it says to the White
Spider is a national hero for his valor in slicing
(54:28):
and dicing and peeing in I think good. Please, why
are you cooking that meat ribs? I love cooking up
for every kind of sauce. I do dry. I don't
use any sauce. I let the meat speak for itself.
So I hope it's good. Yeah, I do dry to
(54:49):
my girlfriend, Johannah loves when I do dry rubs Johannah. Yeah,
I mean so, I mean, have you met her? That's
a crazy question to ask somebody who don't know. What
do you mean? Have you your girlfriend? Dude? Your girlfriend
tells your problem? A girlfriend? You said she was in Australia.
(55:12):
The hell is your deal? Man? Are you SpaceX? Might
be what is spacextand for well space and then the
X part is the X factor. Oh interesting, Yeah, so
it's are you in X? Yeah? I don't think you did, baby,
I didn't know that. Well, it's kind of a secret mission.
(55:33):
I thought you made ink blotters. No, we try to
build journals for spaceships. Oh, we need we want to
be on the cutting yea space. Hello, everybody, you're probably
finding this moment strange? Dave, what are you doing? You're
talking to you? They put you're all currently in space?
What this is a simulation? You are not actually in
(55:56):
alt Tadina, Dave, what are you doing? This is the
greatest ships alive. We're in space, baby. I don't know
how we got here, dude, when we were asleep at
aliens abductives. I don't understand. Dave, what's going on? Dave,
looking the mirror, Look in the mirror. Day you're the
one talking on the megaphone. Oh my god, I'm the
one talking on the map. There's only one day. Oh
(56:19):
my god, Dave, put your pants on. Man, be so bad.
I gotta be so bad. It's the strangest damn mission
I've ever been on. Baby. But if we survive, I
want you to know I love you and our children
I love you too. This is the mission we're on.
Apparently is blown. I thought we were just coming over
(56:41):
to visit the neighborhood. Didn't fix the damn fence outside
space too. But it's all got to be on a
ship because the outside looks like a yard. Whoa the
party one going? It's not going good. I think that
my space made who killed one already? I think he
(57:02):
needs to go to the bathroom again and I fear
for my life. Okay, so you bring us back down
to earth? What are you talking about? Could you bring
us back down like a recall? Take off the heads
over a bit? Okay? Did we agree, Joanna and Brisbane
on the radio? Did we agree that we're calling it
spice nights? I don't know what other word I can say.
(57:27):
That was protocol hearing spice night and note to myself,
spacemates was the name of our final scene in the episode. Uh,
I's like all of our alchemists today, starting with Chris Alvarano.
Thank you so much. Path you're waiting on the studio
and shout out to whoever you'd like or whatever you'd
like to all the lovely people out there. So the
(57:50):
not lovely people don't get a shout out. I understand, Venete,
I shout out to the not lovely. Let's cover all
of them ye with love love? Yeah absolutely, dot Com,
yes absolutely, and Dannie's the typewriter on Instagram and yeah
everyone that has it's a great pet owner. I would
give a mad props, right, James Zeney, thank you guys
(58:14):
for tuning in the loveliest the unlovelies. But check out
our Instagram. Danny has been killing it. Now when you
say Danny, do you mean Joey Greer? Know you keep
saying you must be out of your Who's Danny the
guy holding the camera? Oh? He was in Chicago last week. Business.
(58:36):
I didn't understand. But our Instagram's killing. Danny's killing so
and that's all you want to tell folks. Yeah, just
check out? Wait? Can you also tell him to write
and review the show? Oh? Yeah, please rate and review
the show. There's been some great since Scrowdy Wayne, I
don't remember his name, but so many other people have
(58:57):
put in great reviews. You should just go and read
the reviews times. They're fun to read. Will you read
us a couple when we do our media? Yes, let's
do that. Can you remember to do that? Oh yeah?
Joey Grierman Jeffy Greeber at the various social media that's
it Man and I just released an album. Got a
(59:17):
comedy album called good Night downloaded on Spotify, iTunes wherever.
While iTunes is still a thing iTunes if you have
Apple Music, it's free with Spotify. Wait is iTunes to
Jeopardy Going Away, that being discontinued, wait that, we'll talk
about it next episode. Let's thank your engineer to the
stars Mr Doug bab Our, post signed design artist and
(59:40):
I Heard Media. Thanks for the auspice as always, Oh
my god, I'm your host, Kevin Polk until next time.
And a football pepper and a football pepper.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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