July 22, 2021 • 61 mins
Wasabi Enema.
Underwater City.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your
guest to Cool Stratton in for Mr Kevin Pollock. Let's
meet her optimist Shelley. In no particular orders, say hello
to Chris Alvarado. Chris, this is a question I'm actual
gonna ask everybody. Everyone isn't good, same question, so you
can start taking ahead. What was the weirdest dream you've
ever had? I mean, this is a fucking question, dude.
(00:29):
You know what I mean? This is a question. I mean, Cole,
I don't know. I'm going through something. Well, there's this
one thing that I remember as a kid, but it's
very strange. I'll just say this because I think about
it probably once a year and ago. I don't want
to forget this memory, but I don't know how to
(00:50):
talk about it or write it down. I felt like
I was being lifted up and falling back on my stomach.
I was lad my stomach. I thought I was being
lifted and dropped, lifted, dropped, lifted and dropped. That's the
best way to describe it. But in some way I
feel like it was real. So that was just a
failed alien abduction not working today, and I just the
(01:15):
lasting I have to say, just for the record, I
see Jackie has her husband's surfboard behind her, and really
his name is Patty. He has no right to be
surfing board. That's five eight it's too small. Okay, thank you? Wow, alright,
Speaking of Jackie Gonzalezarthy, Jackie, what was your weirdest dream
you can remember? It haunts me and I like couldn't
(01:38):
talk to my so at the time, I had a
stepfather and I couldn't talk to him that whole day
the next, you know, the day after I had the dream.
It was a dream where my stepfather murdered my sister
and my mother. I saw it. I was in a
like kind of Venice like owl city, and I had
(02:02):
to run away from him via swimming canals to like
get to another house. Then I ended up like in
a house that also had a yard, and basically like
I end up like in the front yard. Um like
found somebody at there was a party and I was like,
oh my gosh, like he's after like this is happening,
Like this just happened to my friends, Like oh my god, Jackie,
come down. I'm like no, no, Like he murdered my
(02:25):
mom and my sister and like Jackie, just like, have
a jello cup and chill, have some orange juice. And
I was like what, and they're like, have some orange juice.
And then basically like while we're there, I see that
he circled the block and I was like, he's coming
for me. So then I have to run into the party.
And I run into the party and I find this
armoire that we did have in my old house and
(02:46):
I hide in the armoir and the end of the
dream is my stepfather opening it with a gun and
then I wake up. Okay, weird dream dream. Clearly I
had feelings about my stepfather and I'll never forget that dream.
It was really fucked well, man, James Heeney, you got
(03:09):
a palate cleanser for us here. I might have said
this before, because I don't know. I had this reoccurring
dream as a child, and I had it over and
over and over, and it was a nightmare. And when
it happened, I would go and sleep in my parents bed. Uh.
It was always the same. I was laying in my bed,
the same bed that I actually was in and Lady
(03:30):
Lane Fairchild from Mr Rogers would be flying around the
room and trying to bite me specifically in the butt,
and I would try running and as I would run
down the stairs, the stairs would disappear and I'd just
be falling through the darkness and she would be able
to fly around. And I had that dream for years.
But just to clarify, she wanted to bite your little
(03:53):
but right she did. She wanted to bite me right
in the ass it. I think that's her name. She's
the one with the red nose and she was always
mean on Mr. Rogers. That was definitely her goal in
the series. I always thought it was kind of weird,
but I don't know if she scared the hell out
of me. I could barely watch her on the show.
(04:15):
I just left her up and she is absolutely terrifying. Yeah,
that's her. I don't want to see if scary Anthony
William my brand mine. I think my I dream a lot,
and I have very lucid dreams as well. But I
(04:35):
think my weirdest dream is when I was young, my
dad but always if he's out in the yard working
or watching the car, he'd always have me to go
turn the water hose on and all. And in my
dream is like, hey, we go turn off the wall
and I went to because my dad was old and
black and from the South. And uh, as I went
(04:58):
to go turn off the water holes, there's this chocolate
head there. It's like a grown sized human head, but
it looked like a baby's head and it was made
of like kind of melting chocolate. And it freaked me
out so much that any time I had to go
turn off the water as a young man, I still
(05:19):
would see, like, oh my god, it's the chocolate head
gonna be over there when I go turn the water.
That's it, chocolate man. Last, but not least, Joey Graare,
it was really fantastic. Mine's pretty basic. I am. I'm
a taxi driver in a New York City and like,
you know, hundreds of years in the future, and uh,
(05:42):
my credits are running low. All of a sudden, this
woman just like slams into the back of my taxi
into help. Yeah, hellop me, you got any same dream?
That's crazy? And uh yes, like and then I'm at,
like it's crazy. Then I'm like, you know, like a
(06:03):
space cruise and I'm listening to like this opera singer
and the stones are in me. And then I removed
stones from her stomach or something and then they're all like,
let me just sound weird. Joey was like, was Luke
Perry in it for like two minutes? Was he like
in your dream for like two minutes? Yeah, but he was.
(06:24):
He was like in like Egypt or something like the
twenties or something. It's crazy. I never met two people
who had this exact thing. So weird. I don't know
what that means. Yeah, I don't either. Man, that's crazy
and we need to get to the bottom of at
some point. Uh. For me really quickly, I had one
(06:45):
like similar to James when I was a kid, where
I was flying around the Great Space Coaster and then
Sweet Ms from the Muppet Shows, like the Big Monster
guy like would swat it and I'd fall out and
then I'd wake up before I hit the ground. There
was that, But the main one that's stuck with me
forever because it was so bizarre and disturbing, was that
I was on one of those like Bay Areas San
Francisco dinner cruises where you just and I was there
(07:11):
with like my high school jazz choirs, like a show
choir like that. We I was in, you know, We're
all hanging out and stuff and there's a dinner portion
and we're just like having fun, goofing around, really paying attention,
and like I'm cutting into what I think is my steak.
I was talking and I looked down and it's not
a steak. It's a rat that's been like that's dead,
(07:32):
it's been fried or whatever. But then I'm cutting and
I'm opening it up and the rat is pregnant and
there's little babies coming out. They're fine, but it's just
like I'm cutting into the steak and these little bit
right physically, I was just dream to become a doctor,
just a vet, I guess. And then I would wake
up from it and I had it once or twice
(07:53):
and it was very disturbing, and I was like, what
the hell does this mean? You gotta quit that group? Man? Yeah? Right?
Did you mean bets or? Was never like that far?
And no, I don't know what it done because I
was I was scared what I was freaked out when
I saw what was there. I wasn't. I was like,
go sweet, well, I said, medium rare, James, did you
ever get bitten about your little but because I'll want
(08:17):
your little butt to get wittten, don't make fun of
my dream. It was scary, Chris, I just it was scary.
The question is do you want it to be James?
Maybe I heard e. Come on, everybody, let's do a
damn show show. You did say it, You said it.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
(08:39):
or from our Patreon v A p s. To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
com slash alchemy This. You'd like to submit a scene
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at our
new email address, alchemy This email at gmail dot com.
That's is it helpful for us all to say? At
(09:05):
the same time? Afterwards? You probably yeah, it's repetition, you know.
Seene one is from patriarm v I p Andy Montoya,
who wrote, hello and thanks to all. I love cooking
and baking in my spare time, but the past time
when I am bored, I imagine discussing food combinations. Such
combos include egg flavored pop tarts, catch up popsicles, and
pickled tea, which are all awful ideas, making them hilarious
(09:29):
to me, which leads me to these scenes. Suggestions was
sabi enema? Thanks and take care? Okay? And what's your
who's who's your insurance holder? Who's your insurance? Yeah, I
don't know, it's it's burning up. I need your insurance car.
Oh god, I don't know what the it's the one
(09:49):
with the shield on it and it's got them you
need Do you need insurance? Oh huh, you should have insurance?
Times how they take this outside and take this outside?
You know you can't hear me, buddy coming out? Get insurance?
I got insurance. Okay, okay, okay, all right, what what's
going on? Kind of insurance you're looking for? You want
(10:10):
a full body? I think I have insurance. It's just
it's in my push. Let me see. There's your card here,
that's your insurance carder here? Yeah, that's my card that's
ripped up. Don't get insurance anymore, buddy, you're gonna need
somebody wants you talk to me because I'm the only
guy they can get you show insurance. Uh okay, all right.
What do I gotta do for it's emergency? Hey, but
(10:32):
it trust me. I know this goes that working insurance. Now,
look like that a car and says something about full
body coverage. But you might need something internal with that.
You might need to cover that. I thought the body
had internal. I thought that included internal. No, no, no, no, no,
that's that's just the outside. You gotta go to the inside.
So let's see. You want outside inside and you want soul?
Is that Greg? Oh yes, yes, yes, I'm sweating. I'm
(10:55):
sweating this. You're sweating existing Talctor, just the heads up.
Your two o'clock canceled, also your your two thirties outside
he's talk Tyler. He's talking to Tyler, maybe to get insurance.
He's talking to the insurance guy. Then yes, um, and
based on what I saw, it looks like, um, live
Gerbil of ass so that's very common. It's very common. Yes,
(11:21):
so live Gerbils. And then of course you have a
three pm. Who's the three pm? That's the surgery, the
heart surgery. Okay okay. Also, um, quick little office thing
if you still use if you cannot use the microwave
for fish in the office, that the entire office. It's yes, yeah,
(11:46):
it's mails. Yes, okay. Oh that's a good thing for you. No,
it's no good for me. He's mails. Okay, okay, thank you,
he's Tyler Finish. Dr Hassan, this is why. So not
only do you do g I and all that, but
you also you also a heart surgeon as well. I
(12:07):
open the heart from the inside. From the inside, Yes,
I do the ortic mussel, do the do the Okay,
this sounds great. Uh. Well, I mean you know so much.
And it's a one stop shop. We love for uh
(12:28):
Blue Staff, Red Arrow to uh to work with you.
It's a new insurance company and only work with Tyler.
Does Tyler work with you? Tyler insurance guy? Oh that No,
we don't work with that man. You know you had
the wrong place. Would you like fish? Sure? Yeah, Okay,
(12:50):
it's just underneath this towel. That's where the fish aren't. Okay,
I get to pick on this. Okay, thanks for seeing me.
It's a short notice, Dr Hassan. So I just have
this sharp pain in my lower back whenever I moved
even at all. Also, I really need to get my
car detailed. Um some I'm hoping that you could just
(13:12):
knock take a look at my vertebrae and then also,
you know, give a once over to my miata. Okay,
let me let me explain to you and doctor, his son,
Dr Hassin. He does the card detail. People come to
my place and they say, give me the card detail
(13:33):
and look at this plan. I do one thing and
one thing only the people, the people that Hassin does
the bone. Hey, guys, just checking in, Tyler, sir, is
everything just gonna We're just going to the questionaire real
quick here, all right now, yes or no? If you
(13:56):
were at a public pool and there was a high dive,
would you use it? Yes? Yes, all right, ask print
right there. Yes, I am doctor. He hasheen and I
just want to make it clear. Um, that's PhD. So
(14:17):
I just want to make that clear. That's get over here. Okay,
that's that's that's great. Um cool. So alright, the miatas
out there, and do you have anything for the pain?
And my back is really pinching. So I'm a I'm
I'm a car doctor. Um. I did get my PhD
and automotive anatomy and I that's what I specialize in.
(14:42):
So alright, dudents have a set. You know, you've seen
a lot of first years here, a lot of first years.
Now this is automotive. I've been here for shixty I know, Marty,
you know Marty, and there's Marty. Everybody who say hell
little Marty. Okay, alright, I said hey to Martin, but
(15:06):
he didn't say hey to me. Hello, Hey, Great. Okay,
Now I'm gonna pull this down. Okay, it's gonna be
a diagram of an autobile. I don't want giggles. I don't.
We've all seen this before, Okay, all cars have them,
so I don't need to hear your comments, your remarks.
I understood. Yeah. Do you have a question you're looking
side the side, man, sir, I don't have a question.
(15:29):
I just I didn't know if anybody else was gonna
then I'm pulling this down now, Okay, we've all seen this.
You can you tell me what part this is? That
is the carburetor. Very nice, Marty issue, right, I remember
(15:51):
when I seen Listen, it's important that you know the
ins and outs of every automobile. Okay. Now, certain structure
parts will remain the same, carbor it being one of them. Great, Okay,
I see that. Tyler. Did your insurance you have? You
(16:11):
have a pen? Where do you hurt? It's it's the
it's the beginning of the butt hole all the way inside.
I don't know where it stops. I don't know where
it stops. If you say beginning of the butt hole,
you said my first name, it's just beend you over here,
casual conversation to relax your news. Okay, this is a
(16:36):
nice day. I like like, I like the weather. H sir,
you have what I call about obstruction. I will What
I will give you is an animo from the from
the hasabib. Okay, oh hey, hey back for one second.
(16:59):
I want to talk to us in class. Relay. I
remember when Coca Cola only goshed a penny. Very nice, Marty, Marty,
it's time for you to take a nap now, okay, okay,
so um, great first day, by the way, thank you,
thank you came in strong with that card writer stuff. Yep. Yeah,
(17:21):
my dad drove a car so oh no ship. Sorry,
we give you friends, right? Um? So what are your
thoughts on spark plugs and stuff? Use someone you have to? Um,
it's kind of like the defibrillator of the car. Here
it is Sam, here's the last of your stuff. Okay,
keep it all right, that's it, of course I'll keep it.
(17:44):
It's my stuff. Yeah, I know I was this Who
is this you? Know what. It doesn't matter. Here's some advice.
Don't do it, all right, you're gonna regret it. Okay, No,
you can't say by the dad because, as we've talked
about it. Okay, he's dead to us. Say it, he's
dead to us. Good. You know what. We're gonna pick
up this dude. This is your new dad. Hello, I'm
(18:06):
sixty years old. That's your dad. Okay, okay, listen, don't
mind them. Look, I'm sorry. Did you want to talk
to you more? All right, Marty, you wanna step in, buddy? Okay, Hey,
I want to talk to you. Uh. I have known
(18:28):
you now for forty years. Well you're sixty, but I've
known you since we were twenty, and you sound like
the oldest fucking six gal that I have ever heard.
I want you to go over to doctor Hussans and
just have your age check. Do you think you can
do that, buddy? I can't. And I remember when horses
(18:49):
had six legs, respect respect. I know that your family
had that whole insect horse breeding. Honey, I'm sorry, I'm home.
I couldn't get my back or the car detailed. I
kept driving around town and nobody would do both and
then I just ran out of time and everything was closed.
I'm sorry. I'll go back in the morning. It's gonna
(19:16):
she's gonna be so mad. I gotta practice this, honey.
I'm sorry. I wasn't able to get my back. Look
at it, my buddy, buddy, Yeah, you want to get
you want to get your car moving right now, you're
just sitting here in the middle of the freaking freeway
talking to yourself if you want to move your blocking traffic.
I'm sorry. My wife is just she's just so uh
(19:38):
you know, and I just just what is it? What
is it? Talk to me? Well, officer, my um my back,
it's just really hurts. She's like anything I do. And
then this car is filthy. I mean, you go to
doctor his son your your car is filthy. You go
to doctor Hassin. What buddy, you gotta get your car.
You gotta get moving. Sorry, I thought I could go
(19:58):
to one and get both on it and is out.
That's not true at all. And I just I wasted
this day, and she's gonna be so bad. Okay, you
need what you need is auto and body insurance. Let
me give you a number of a friend of mine,
Tyler hold On okay, great, okay, sir, So the doctor
checked you out. Um, now you do have Tyler's insurance?
Is that correct? Yeah, it's right here. This is the car. Great. Yeah, okay,
(20:21):
So at a bucket today, that's going to be cash. Please,
But if you flip both for the you need cash.
I don't have any cash for the Do you need cash?
That's what I'm saying. Do you need it? Bobby outside?
Take it outside? Come on, come come here. I don't
I don't any cash. Look, it's alone, it's alone. You
(20:42):
need alone, right I I shouldn't have to pay it,
but I don't have any cash and they're asking for it.
But you need a loan, right, A little loan for
just a minute while I straightened it out with Tyler. Yeah,
a little alone, right, I guess. I mean it's just
for a minute because I gotta or not. Do you
need this money? Yes? Yes? Um, I don't know. I
(21:04):
think I'll have another martini. How about you you gonna
have I'm gonna have just a cup of olives and
you can give me a cup of olives those pickles. Okay,
let's see that one martini, one cup of almonds, and
money onions as well, very perfectly. I'll be right back
with the orders. Enjoy yourselves. I gotta say this, all
those will kind of change your entire like deal, you're
(21:27):
in class, you so like you know Poppy and this
is me after a few you know what I mean?
And then I cut myself off and I moved just
to the vegetables because I need to keep keep it right,
keep it tight. Okay, here's your olives with some onion
and the martini. Uh. And the bartender said, if this
is for Sam, let him know to go fuck himself
(21:51):
and have a great day. That's that's me. I mean,
you know, I'm Sam. You want me to go fight him? What?
I'm really strong when I'm drunk and I can fucking
beat his ass. You want me to go find him
for you? I mean when when you have any conversation
with him, Sure, maybe tell him to keep his mouth shut?
You know what you do want to keep it down
(22:11):
over there to get punch in the face. I'd like
to see a lady to try to punch me. That's right.
That's not even a try, that's a straight up beyond try.
Our connection, thank you. Speaking of connection, have you noticed that, honey,
(22:35):
I'm home. Here's your glass of olives. I figured you'd
want this. Did I mention that I'm fucking pissed at you?
Did I mention that I figured you would be? You're
so fucking useless. You're absolutely a waste of space. You
have two things to do. All the towels are are wet,
(22:57):
so all the tails, you know, all the towels. So yeah,
all right, dude, I'll call you later. Yeah, air dry
and call me later. Oh. Oh, by the way, I'm
fucking the neighbor Sam. Yeah, okay, sir, So that's um.
(23:20):
So you give me dollars cash there. We will build
you for that. For that one extra dollar. That's okay.
I'm sure it's gonna get straightened, don't okay? Can we
just go over with the doctor to you today? I
guess it was was Sabi being animal. Uh. It really burns. Actually,
I don't know if you're a doctor, but it burns
almost as much as it hurt when I came in.
(23:43):
You don't know if I'm a doctor. I don't know
you're you're working the register. Yeah, I'm a cashier. I'm
a cashier here at this register. But that's very nice
of you. Why were you in here. Initially I made
an a sum sheine if I was true? Was it
live Gerbil? It was? It was a squirrel. It was
a complete accident. I don't want to get into how
(24:03):
it happened. I think I think maybe it was by
nuts and it thought that. I don't know what happened. Okay,
but did you see your nuts? I can only imagine
this road and was chasing after what it was like
Brian Tetum and always got in trouble. It was just
another day for him. Well, this time he got a
(24:26):
little crazy. He put peanut butter around the ring of
his buttle and little nuts inside. He thought, well, might
as well hold him there. You know what happened next? Well,
I'll tell you. Just settle down. You know I'd get
excited when just hold on. Let me tell you what
happened to Brian Tetum. All right, this guy's got stories
for days. I'm trying to calm down, but the story
(24:47):
is getting me excited. We'll just I'm telling you what.
I'm not gonna stop telling you what happened. Do you
know this net part down, Megan, Kid's gonna be great.
Every part in the ascension of this story is gonna
be amazing. But you just realists right over here? And
do you have the fried zuchiney Fried zuchiney? Alright? He
(25:10):
to the bath part. You might want, what's do? What's
the breading on this fried pink? Oh? He only eat
put right? What are you talking about? What's the breading?
I understand it's fried. What's the breading on this pink? Oh?
He only eat pank? I need to be pancoed. What's
the breading on this? I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation
(25:31):
about breading, but that's our first scene. See number two
is from listener Thomas. He wrote, Hi, Kevin, that's okay.
I know. Just listen to an episode where you were
enraged that listeners were not making the email switchy man.
Well here you go. Also a suggestion underwater city, Thanks Thomas. Now,
(25:57):
if we just follow these coordinates, all right, we're gonna
be able to locate the lost city of Atlambis. Trust
me on this, Okay, I know it's just crazy, but
but there there, it's down there, okay, and when we're
able to find it, we are going to be No.
Can you just swallow that? Can you just swallow whatever
you're drinking. Thank you for that. Look, let me let
(26:18):
me get this straight again. If we follow these coordinates
and your words were complicated, will actually be able to
locate the city? Yes, yes, I mean look at the
records I found here. It doesn't exist, will never find it.
That's what they said about Troy. That's what they said
(26:38):
about about the Troy. Yes they did. In the second
opinion was did they find the city of Troy? Hold on,
let me look it up in my book of found things. Yes,
they found the city. Well well well, well well look
who has the coordinates as well? I think you're going
(27:01):
to make it to a lambus before I do. I'm
funded by the crown. Maybe I should go with that.
Maybe is it too late to join your expedition? Yes,
it's too late to join his Expedition's not. I can
always use a good guy. Uh, would you like to
join me? I'd like to, but I'm not. I'm not
(27:22):
specifically a guide. I was kind of a go a
longer after. You're always just going where the money is
a real ariel. Yes, I'm going on a date. Do
you know I've started seeing people again? Well, it's been
many many Yes, I just want to let you know,
(27:45):
I'm not going to get a babysitter. You were old
enough now to look after yourself. I'd say, I'm looking down,
I'm feeling good. I'm feeling old. What I don't know
what that means? The tip really see it. I'm just saying,
don't get into any trouble. Okay? Is that with this spot?
(28:07):
Why you? What is it with your what's the spod's talk?
What's new? So I'm feeling, you know, a little bit rambunctious,
like I want to learn and use and have you
got seen area later? Lately? Hips and tits are man?
Come on, man, that's the princess. What are you doing? No,
I'm just saying that her hips and tips they're in. Yeah. Man,
we'll see that. Man, she's like thirty two or somebody
(28:29):
from nobody talks about it. Why am I the only
one to you know what I mean? You know? You
know why? Because because our entire life is set to
be guarding this door, and if anything comes in, we die.
That that's why, all right, he's got to look forward
to here's where we really die. When we when we
failed to recognize when the young ladies hips and tips
coming and fellows you're going out on a date, sir,
(28:49):
I'm going on a date. I'll be at the clam shacks,
so you know where to reach me if anything happens.
By the way, your daughter's hips and tits are in good.
What are you doing, man, I'm letting them know. I
don't know if he looked at his daughter's hips and
tips lately. There, excuse me, your daughter Ariel, he said,
he said her hips and tis her hips and tis
(29:10):
then and you agree with that same absolutely. I know
you agree with that. You said it you. I'm honestly,
I'm just trying to die. You know. Sometimes I just
feel like my father doesn't see me look at Yeah,
I don't want to listen to this. What It's bad
(29:32):
enough that you are growing in front of me. I've
been looking after you since you were four, But just
maybe you're old enough to go home without me. Now
I need you. I need your percussion. You're the only
one who can bang the shells so good when I
start singing. And also you're a good friend, and also
(29:54):
you give good advice. Oh yeah, I think it's time
for me to retur. I just I can't do this anymore.
It's it's just you know. I can't see you grow
up in front of me. It's it happens, It happened.
Aging is nothing to be sad about, scared about. It's
(30:15):
a good thing. It means you haven't died yet, and
my life exert This is like four. We're approaching a lambus.
The coordinates that you chose are absolutely right, and I
believe that we're Did you get him to thank you?
What does he do? What? What? I don't want to know.
I don't know. It looks like that we're a couple
(30:37):
of quips ahead of your enemy. I think we're going
to reach at Lumbus enough to be really quick. There's
a store my head about everyone that are strapped down
the hatches and biled down the lines. Who knows if
we're gonna be able to hurt five and coming on
slot or Poseidon drage. I hope the count step down
(30:59):
my hatches. Jesus Christ. He is a character. But I
believe him. I don't know why. I don't know why
for but for some reason, I believe him. I'm strapping
down the hatches, like you said, and I'm also barely
down the line. This is barely down the lines. Don't
know uh No, I'm sure she'll be here soon. I'll
(31:22):
just have another water. All right. Well, if your guest
doesn't show up, we will have to move you to
the bar. You know who I am? Right, yes, okay,
So it feels like you know she wouldn't. What do
you know about me? You know, personally of a couple
of thousand years old? Give him the trident? Uh on
(31:44):
Olympus control right, I'm gonna catch hey, guys. Just I
don't want to interrupt this. I just say everybody knows
there's a big storm coming in. Uh. I don't know
if there are any lines around here, but we probably
need to barrel them down. Just to be oh, hi king,
nice to see you. I just want to let everybody
know what's going on. H Okay, thank you for that.
(32:08):
Mhm okay, Well it so another wine? Or is it
possible to get around them so that we can get
to it first. I just I kind of wanted to
be in the in the boat, the vessel that got
at Lambs first, and we will. We shall see the
strategic movement by me right now and for them to
(32:31):
hit the storm straight on the hatches on Saturday. It
seems it seems like you don't know where you're going,
and you're just following them. What it seems like you're
just following them. I mean every move they make, you
make the move, and if you know where it is,
then let's just pass them. Let's just keep calm and
(32:51):
carry on like that's our thing. Correct. Yeah, correct, we'll
keep on car Okay, it will be trust me on this,
ring ling ring ling? Hello? Hi is this cereal? Y? Hi?
My name is Claremont. I don't think you've ever met me?
(33:12):
U you work with your dad? Okay? Sure? Hey? Hey,
um fuck, I don't even know how to say that.
Jesus Christ. Uh, them them tips and them them hips?
What's they're in? Yeah? Anybody anybody's slapping on them or
(33:32):
google in them? Um? Not? No? I actually I actually
haven't slapped on them myself. I didn't realize that was
a thing. Maybe it go yeah crap. Uh. I know
that your your dad's out tonight, and I'm just wondering
if I could, uh ship, How do I do you
(33:56):
want to stop on these titties? Yes, you gotta go
on a break. Yeah, go on a break. What are
you pacing back and forth? Uh? Huh? Now you want
to go on a break. You look, you're so distracted. Man.
What's going on? Truth? Truth? Yeah? Okay, as we like
to say down here, truth truth too, yeah okay. Uh,
(34:20):
no scoring a Norwall's horn. I promised, no scorn of
the Norwall's horn. What is going on? Okay? Uh? Once again?
I swear on a on a dorsal fin. Oh my gosh,
I swear on my own dorsal fin. What do you want?
What is this? Okay? No, ill will on a on
on Sebastian. I think I'm doing it. Oh god, I
(34:46):
don't want to see this. Oh yeah, let me stay here.
Oh god, no, I don't want to see anybody slapping
the two. I need you to watch, and I kind
of almost need you to like coax it on. No please, No,
no one ever knows what to do with me if
animals aren't telling them what to do, come on you,
(35:09):
but Sebastian, yes, Siah, let's go through this again. Oh god, no,
you provided the soundtrack for Claremont two slap arials. I
(35:30):
can't even say it twitties. Yes, sir, I'm sorry. I
had to, you know me, I I've stopped the shows
the right way. It was like playing bolero. They got
so turned on Sebastia. What's behind you? Is that a
human vessel? Oh? No, sire, we must die down deeper. Okay,
(35:55):
sound the horn blow that blowfish blow that? Do you
hear that? To die? I can't hear nothing right time
to die? It is what I was going to do.
Look at my hands first of all, though, you know
what these hands been. Come on, come on, man, that
(36:20):
shouldn't where a job is to serve and protect. What
are you doing them? Hips and hits turin Sorry? Uh,
he knows, he knows that you literally catfished him on
his date and that that's what you used to seduce
his daughter. And he's pissed. Man, he's real man, really,
(36:43):
I've got titties and hip school lore. You want a
slap at it, I've got to. But who cares? I
actually do slap them? Please please? Harpoons have been fired, sir?
(37:09):
Wait a minute, someone fired her? I did. I was
sloping on a sloping on a slush. I saw activity
in the water, sir, so I fired the harpoons. The
captain have to hear about this to me that the captain, captain,
you come to me like that or you've seen a
thousand ships fall, a thousand more being raised. You see
(37:35):
you know, so you know sons and no, y we're here.
Now's a chance to move on to see shanty will
take a good twenty to thirty minutes down we go,
Shall we dive? Yes, it sounds like a good idea,
that cleaning country. Here we go. Tell her how peril,
(37:57):
peril help shot? I see that and they will pay
for it. Do you have anything to tell me before
you maybe die? It needs pressure the wound I can't
touch you? Can you believe this? Where at Ariel's funeral?
That should be me in there in that shell and
(38:18):
that giant oyster shell. Damn it, I'm gonna I'm gonna
tell you something the night that uh Ariel and I
what you get? She let me make a mold of her? What? Okay?
So now you can slap him whenever? Is that? What? Yourn?
It's better than that, It's better than that. What do
(38:40):
you mean some of the some of the d n
A from Ariel got stuck in the mold. Okay? You
know my father, he's he's a rejuvenate as scientist. What
(39:00):
are you trying to say? God? How do I I
created another aerial from her DNA that was trapped in
the mold, from her tits center hips. You calonder, scientist
you I could tell scientists fish when I see one.
(39:23):
You're on my turf. There's only room enough for one
sea which I don't need a scientist around here. I
don't know what the sea witch and the scientists have
to do with each other. My clients are taking my clients.
What's up with that guy's voice? Right? No? No, no,
(39:46):
you're right? What's going on? Keep it down? Come on,
Thank you all for coming to the funeral. Audio would
be so touched that you are here. There you see
her lying dead in the lagoon. Everybody, everyone should come
here soon. There is something about her. I need you
(40:11):
all to know, Friends and family of Alumbus, this is
our last gathering as free beings. What do you mean?
What do you mean? Humans are here? They found us tech?
Were it? King? Yes? May I speak? Please? Please your
(40:37):
daughter the night that I tricked you into thinking you
had a date, and I went back and I slap
both her kids, followed immediately by her hips. Yes, I
remember I cloned your daughter. I'm listening, dude. My father
was a scientist who was later confronted by this the
(41:01):
whole story. He's the one with a weird voice, right, yes, yes, yes,
the one who gurgles when he speaks. Well, the witch
tried to throw magic at him and it so it's
a long back story. But the full grown Arial is
back in my chambers and that grandson. This is the
(41:22):
story of how Ariel came back for this time as
all tits and hips. I was there. I saw it
on my expedition. Can we go swimming now? No? I
teed to tell the story again from the top, and
that's the number two. C three is from Patrian V
(41:50):
I P. Larry Stewart, who wrote, Hey, guys, just listen
to the episode about die Hard with Marvin McHugh. Very funny.
But when our one, some or all of you going
to do your friend and colleague Chris Elverado a solid
and hosts a series of movie nights so he can
get caught up on American and other classic films so
he doesn't feel so awkward when these situations come up.
(42:11):
The man is crying for help and it's time to
listen anyway, still loving what you guys are doing, and
my suggestion this time is Girl Scout Cookie Mafia. Thanks
you guys as always, in love and prosperity to you all. Best.
Larry Stewart, Hey, grandson, come in here to my sick bed.
(42:38):
We're both here. I don't use plurals most of them.
You know your granddad is about to die from the
sugar dial busies. Oh oh, I'm so sorry, but you
guys are supposed to keep a little further away. He's
very contagious diabetes diabetes. Gy just it's they're just sugar diabetes.
(43:03):
I got them ears so sweet around him. Just step
back a little bit further. My last wish's for one
of you to bring me one of them new girls
got cookie, either the fan man all the grass huh,
whichever one of you bring me. The girl's got crookie before.
(43:27):
I will be crief onto you may and to force.
But grandfather, it's out a season. There aren't cookies available
right now. I'll do Grandpa, I'll do it. I'll do
it too. We'll find it. I'll get there first. Jaden Chading,
congratulations on your newest patch on your sash. You got
(43:54):
a sewing patch. That's nice. Great. Now, listen, I know
I'm not You're real mom was here. All my other
patches were given to me by my real mom. I know,
and I know, I know I'm the scout mom, but
I'm not your real mom. But Jayden, you've been really impressive.
(44:18):
Your archery is incredible. My mom said, doesn't mean my
skills go out the window. They didn't. My talent, just
my mom. I heard that when somebody's mom. That's just
like when you blind, then you get extra extra talents
like the blind people have. They can they can smell. Jaden,
(44:39):
is this right? Do you get extra talent? I can't
say that the reason why I'm good at stuff is
because my mom is dead. That would almost imply I'm
thankful for her death, and I'm not. I'm really really
torn up. I'm no super disrespectful Tina, and I think
that maybe we should take away there spectful patch. Okay,
(45:01):
I hope this cand of talk you for a second.
Just what mom to mom? Just give me one second, Tina, Jaden,
give me one second. Yeah, what's up, Carol. I'm a lot. Actually,
I'm I'm first. I was always happy to come in
and yeah, a little bit, I'm always happy to come
in and help out without all the things that need
to get done. But this comes into like some some
(45:21):
really fucked up therapy session for you and your stepdaughter,
and it really it just hurts my daughter's ability to
get patches. So maybe we could just do this when
we're not girls scounting. Maybe you could just have these
heart to hearts because this this isn't a patch. She
won't talk, she won't get it. Okay, okay, well then
(45:45):
maybe she did get that. So you what you were
you looking for? You're looking for Samoa's Well, what are
you looking for? You want? No? No, no, I'm looking
for h I think it's a Sandman or a grease
grease honkey, grease hockey. It's uh no, no, you go
(46:06):
back to the you go back to the shop. So
guys greased up. Look, these things are expensive. You know.
They fill off the back of a truck. If you
know what I'm saying. Oh no, they damage. No, they're
they're look, they're just they're expensive. All right. And if
(46:26):
whatever it takes to get that stand man, everything he takes,
you're gonna have to pledge your loyalty to us, all right, Okay,
yeah done. We're gonna call you whenever we need something done.
You're gonna have to pay it back, all right? Sure,
of course, are favor for me a favor for you?
(46:47):
You're in for life. Hey, Jaden, can I come in
for one second? Fine? Just one second? Hey, I want
to talk to I want to talk to you like
an adult. Mrs. Look, I found out some interesting news
(47:10):
today from the moms. I'm on the email chain. Sorry,
but you're gonna have to deliver it on the other
side of the doorway. You said, one minute, one second,
one second? Okay, can you still hear me? Yeah? No,
you don't have to close the door. Oh okay, okay, Listen.
Turns out this year shipments of cookies have been stolen
(47:34):
by some What are you trying to say? What are
you trying to blame it on meat everything? No? No, no, no, Jaden.
What I'm saying is you're the smartest person I know.
Maybe you and I could go after these bad guys.
Have you seen my math grades? I don't know, Bianca.
I mean, I guess you can go on to road
(47:54):
you for a bit, but I think you just gotta
give her her space. I mean, her mom, not two
months ago. Do you not love me anymore? Is that
what's going on here. Of course I love you, Bianca,
of course I love you. Then let me take the
Tesla X and let me take Jayden and let us
go for a little road trip. Fine. I just, honestly,
I think the best thing to do is just let
(48:16):
bygones be bygones. You know what I mean? I think.
I mean, she's like, look, she wants to me by herself,
but be it by herself. You know? So you don't
love me? What what are you not getting? Yes? I
love you? What are you talking about? How much I would? Dad?
I know that you told the kids to go get
you boy Scout cookies, Girl Scout cookies cookies. Listen, this
(48:37):
isn't fair. Those kids are gonna follow the same path
as you. Once they start fighting out how to get
girl Scout cookies offseason, they're gonna get diabetes too. Look,
so I've lived a long line. I'm almost sixty years old.
Sixty Could you imagine nobody ever expected and about it
(48:59):
off to make it that long. Those cookers and all
the sugar retreats have wrote me more pleasure of my
life than anything could. If they go down my path,
they will walk down it happily. Were swollen feet the
same way I have. All I will is finn mint
(49:25):
and I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave the room.
We're gonna have to put hot water into his blood
to dilute some of the sugar. I'm sorry, Please, this
is my time with I'm sorry. Okay, we're gonna put
hot water is blood now, okay, Jaden, that's the warehouse,
that's where all the bad men are. I'll take care
of it. You don't need me to go with you. No,
(49:47):
I don't need you, okay, all right, Now we gotta
make sure we cut it. Okay, all that matters, all right,
all the marriages that we just get the product? Move? Yeah?
What the hell is this? Antonio? What the hell is this?
Your numbers? You're down? Are you serious? What? What? What? What?
(50:09):
What was that? Pop up? You guys here? Pop up?
Who's that? The heck? Was that pop? I hear it again?
The door, the door, Don tag along? I got bad news.
The shipment was shot up, Don tag along? What are
(50:31):
you talking about? My shipment was shut up. They found
the way as he got all shut up. You gotta
be kidding me. All your pushes it dead. I'm sorry,
I never did this. I want the head on the
planet or a nice chafing dish. Do you understand me?
I understand I got one lead. One of our dealers
(50:54):
wrote on the wall and blood jade and what the
j I don't know who that is, but forget the plaid.
It only a nice jaffin dish you bring me? Oh
my god, chi, it's all those blood and all those money.
I didn't Aren't you proud? Don't you want to give
(51:16):
me a patch? Do you want to give me as
wrong in my interior? What the hell happened to the guy?
Damn Tesla? We had fun? Is that a problem? I
guess you don't love me? Jane, you did such a
good job. Would you be up for one more job?
Could we stop by Carol's house? And then I said,
(51:38):
I said, I don't care what kind of cheese it is.
If it isn't important. What do you hear that? Pop pop?
I had a pop to hear that Poppa Poppa? Now
there's what is that? I don't know? Okay, do j
(52:00):
to know? Hey? You know Carol and I'm Amy Tecy's mom,
TC's mom. Jaden, Remember, idiot, Carol, don't talk to me
like me. Look at this bad right here, a communication
(52:20):
with blood communications chill is that? Get this one right here?
What do you mean you're going to go have a
meeting with the mafia? Don you've done? How are you
you brought me into you're making me? No, you're right.
Either you're in or you're dead. So do you want
(52:42):
to be put on ice? Hey? Grandfather? Um, I couldn't
quite get you what you wanted, but I did get
some boy Scout cookies. Um, here's some fat mints and
some crickets, your granda, your things and famous and crasshopper.
(53:08):
I know, but these mints are fatter. There's more mint. Alright, son,
I'm sorry, you're gonna We're gonna have to put flour
into his bloodstream right now to take don tagalong. It's
been a long time coming. Told him to bring me
your head on the chafing dish, and I see your
head still attached to your body, and I don't see
(53:30):
no chafing dish. Let me tell you something, man, there
are girls Scout cookies and there are boy Scout cookies.
And the fact that an old man is trying to
run girl Scout cookies makes me real upset. Hey, you
(53:51):
may want to take the time to look behind you
trip to I just needed enough time for me to
pull out this gun pop pop pop pop pop popa
by get back. It's me. I'm her step mom. Just
he used the word mom, but with step in front
of it. Hey, if I gotta put two heads in
(54:14):
a chafing dish other than one, I'll do it. I'm
going going ho ship Huh. I don't know what happened,
but we'll over run this girl scout from from all
around the city. They're coming in try to kill all
of us. Food bad over run Yeah, Dante along I
(54:35):
could go ahead and call him the Docy Doe gang.
They don't want to have to owe them. But do
that and I call in the brownies. I know when
I'm beat. Hey, little girl, take this badge. I don't
waiting for somebody she ripped off his own face. Don't
(54:55):
worry about it. Um Hi talked to her. This is
my step daughter Jade, and she's doing community service for
her new badge, and she wanted to, um give some
cookies to some of your patients. Would that be okay?
Dr It's all there is a patient and well too
with sugar dion beaches. If she wouldn't mind going to
(55:18):
see him, That would be very swell. Be careful. Some
one of the nurses is apparently baking a cake inside
him right now. Oh interesting, Go ahead, I can sell
that all right. Who's there? Who's popping outside of what?
I thought you were one of my grandsons. I was
(55:40):
looking for my grandsons that was supposed to bring me
a thin mint. I've got two boxes for you, okay,
both thin mints. We ran out of grasshoppers. That's the
all part of it. That's fine. Now, you, sir, unfortunately,
(56:04):
are my next mark more. I'm gonna wear your titties
is a badge. No one eats boy Scout cookies in
my town, and I know for a fact you're eating
those fatties. Dr Doctor, we gotta alert. The cake is dying.
(56:27):
The cake is dying. I tell you not to put
water and flour and that sugar man's blood that makes yeast.
That's gonna r well. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I
thought it was a new recipe. I thought we should
try it. Okay, Listening is the best way to get
what you want out of life anyways. But he's dying.
Is that what you're telling don't you think I know
that old adage? Of course, you live by your own laws.
(56:49):
That's the only way to get through this hell by
why live by your own laws? Yes, but what's the problem.
The problem is not enough people do that. We're always
shoot all these other rules, different systems, you know what.
I use one if for the information to go in
and the other for to quickly go out. But what
are you telling me? Doctor, doctor? Doctor? I'm so sorry,
(57:11):
so sorry. We just got an emergency. We just feldering.
It's a it's a it's some sort of murder creature
with tits and hips that looks like they recently came in.
But it sall shut up and flopping around to see
what I can do. This hospital is more than I
can take. Doctor, doctor, doctor. There is a Lamborghini out
in the front and it is making him roughly sound
(57:33):
that it should not be. We need you to handle this.
You need to go to doctor. He's son. They do that.
I don't take care of car. And that's our show
to keep yours. See what's going James, And well, thank
(57:56):
you so much for having me in today. Uh I
would like to I'm trying to pull up. Oh here
we go. So this is a from a bit off
kilter who put a five star review for us, and
it says so good. I listened to this podcast whenever
I need a laugh or can't sleep. I'm not sure
(58:18):
I recommend The Ladder so funny every time. I love
each of the Alchemists. Thanks for the laughs and helping
me through such a difficult year and a half. I
just wanted to say a shout out for those amazing
reviews that we get. Thank you awesome Joey Greer. I
want to say that if you have time and you're
on YouTube, check out game Front. Go on to game Front.
(58:42):
Check out some videos of people playing video games. Maybe
you might know some of them, some of the voices,
some of the faces. Just check it out and if
you can like and subscribe and hit that bell button
for any notification for any videos. I get dropped? All right, Okay,
scary Anthony Williams hi uh. Could not give a harder
shout out to the game Front. Could not give a
(59:04):
harder shout out. Also, if you're in the Los Angeles,
California area, the black version of my improv comedy Tuope
is coming back. Do you like thirty our first show
at the ground Links. Guys, you gotta be there, whether
you're black or not. You need this, but more more,
you need more of your black very cool. I'm saying
(59:25):
that the racist. I'm literally full blown racist. It's a
staple at sketch Fest almost every year. So it's an
amazing show. You guys should all go see it. Jackie
Gonzalez to Ruthie, thank you for having me. Uh you know, hey,
when this comes out, I think July is going to
be over, so Christmas and July unfortunately will be over.
(59:46):
But you know, I'm at Jackie Druthy on the socials
and I like playing video games and I would watch
I would suggest someone watches Game Front and also the
black version. I love the black version of different movies.
I love watching that. Nice Chris Alvarado, thank you. Um wow,
I want to see if I could petition or audition
(01:00:07):
to get onto the black versions. Black face makeup high
we highly encourage black Okay, great, well then you gonna
have to hang out on Memorials for a while before
the theater opens. But yeah, I don't think it's gonna
be a problem. Okay, then yeah, catch me with the
black version when they go up with the ground links um. Also,
if you want to, if you if you have thoughts
(01:00:27):
or questions about any of the ship that we do here,
check out the Comedy Fixed podcasts, a podcast that makes
you question everything you've ever thought or learned about comedy
and performance. Thank you very much. That's the Comedy Fix. Nice.
I'm at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cole, depending on
the social media thanky go to s sketch Fest dot com.
We're hoping to be coming back pretty soon. There's video
(01:00:50):
rentals up there and stuff, and our big Fest Pocos
video we did in January still out there for now
for just ten bucks and it's three and a half
hours of comedy from amazing people, So go check that out.
Let's thank our entine, you're producer, Doug Babe and the
fine folks and I heart media dot com. Please write
to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
(01:01:12):
That's email Google Time until next time.
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your
guest to Cool Stratton in for Mr Kevin Pollock. Let's
meet her optimist Shelley. In no particular orders, say hello
to Chris Alvarado. Chris, this is a question I'm actual
gonna ask everybody. Everyone isn't good, same question, so you
can start taking ahead. What was the weirdest dream you've
ever had? I mean, this is a fucking question, dude.
(00:29):
You know what I mean? This is a question. I mean, Cole,
I don't know. I'm going through something. Well, there's this
one thing that I remember as a kid, but it's
very strange. I'll just say this because I think about
it probably once a year and ago. I don't want
to forget this memory, but I don't know how to
(00:50):
talk about it or write it down. I felt like
I was being lifted up and falling back on my stomach.
I was lad my stomach. I thought I was being
lifted and dropped, lifted, dropped, lifted and dropped. That's the
best way to describe it. But in some way I
feel like it was real. So that was just a
failed alien abduction not working today, and I just the
(01:15):
lasting I have to say, just for the record, I
see Jackie has her husband's surfboard behind her, and really
his name is Patty. He has no right to be
surfing board. That's five eight it's too small. Okay, thank you? Wow, alright,
Speaking of Jackie Gonzalezarthy, Jackie, what was your weirdest dream
you can remember? It haunts me and I like couldn't
(01:38):
talk to my so at the time, I had a
stepfather and I couldn't talk to him that whole day
the next, you know, the day after I had the dream.
It was a dream where my stepfather murdered my sister
and my mother. I saw it. I was in a
like kind of Venice like owl city, and I had
(02:02):
to run away from him via swimming canals to like
get to another house. Then I ended up like in
a house that also had a yard, and basically like
I end up like in the front yard. Um like
found somebody at there was a party and I was like,
oh my gosh, like he's after like this is happening,
Like this just happened to my friends, Like oh my god, Jackie,
come down. I'm like no, no, Like he murdered my
(02:25):
mom and my sister and like Jackie, just like, have
a jello cup and chill, have some orange juice. And
I was like what, and they're like, have some orange juice.
And then basically like while we're there, I see that
he circled the block and I was like, he's coming
for me. So then I have to run into the party.
And I run into the party and I find this
armoire that we did have in my old house and
(02:46):
I hide in the armoir and the end of the
dream is my stepfather opening it with a gun and
then I wake up. Okay, weird dream dream. Clearly I
had feelings about my stepfather and I'll never forget that dream.
It was really fucked well, man, James Heeney, you got
(03:09):
a palate cleanser for us here. I might have said
this before, because I don't know. I had this reoccurring
dream as a child, and I had it over and
over and over, and it was a nightmare. And when
it happened, I would go and sleep in my parents bed. Uh.
It was always the same. I was laying in my bed,
the same bed that I actually was in and Lady
(03:30):
Lane Fairchild from Mr Rogers would be flying around the
room and trying to bite me specifically in the butt,
and I would try running and as I would run
down the stairs, the stairs would disappear and I'd just
be falling through the darkness and she would be able
to fly around. And I had that dream for years.
But just to clarify, she wanted to bite your little
(03:53):
but right she did. She wanted to bite me right
in the ass it. I think that's her name. She's
the one with the red nose and she was always
mean on Mr. Rogers. That was definitely her goal in
the series. I always thought it was kind of weird,
but I don't know if she scared the hell out
of me. I could barely watch her on the show.
(04:15):
I just left her up and she is absolutely terrifying. Yeah,
that's her. I don't want to see if scary Anthony
William my brand mine. I think my I dream a lot,
and I have very lucid dreams as well. But I
(04:35):
think my weirdest dream is when I was young, my
dad but always if he's out in the yard working
or watching the car, he'd always have me to go
turn the water hose on and all. And in my
dream is like, hey, we go turn off the wall
and I went to because my dad was old and
black and from the South. And uh, as I went
(04:58):
to go turn off the water holes, there's this chocolate
head there. It's like a grown sized human head, but
it looked like a baby's head and it was made
of like kind of melting chocolate. And it freaked me
out so much that any time I had to go
turn off the water as a young man, I still
(05:19):
would see, like, oh my god, it's the chocolate head
gonna be over there when I go turn the water.
That's it, chocolate man. Last, but not least, Joey Graare,
it was really fantastic. Mine's pretty basic. I am. I'm
a taxi driver in a New York City and like,
you know, hundreds of years in the future, and uh,
(05:42):
my credits are running low. All of a sudden, this
woman just like slams into the back of my taxi
into help. Yeah, hellop me, you got any same dream?
That's crazy? And uh yes, like and then I'm at,
like it's crazy. Then I'm like, you know, like a
(06:03):
space cruise and I'm listening to like this opera singer
and the stones are in me. And then I removed
stones from her stomach or something and then they're all like,
let me just sound weird. Joey was like, was Luke
Perry in it for like two minutes? Was he like
in your dream for like two minutes? Yeah, but he was.
(06:24):
He was like in like Egypt or something like the
twenties or something. It's crazy. I never met two people
who had this exact thing. So weird. I don't know
what that means. Yeah, I don't either. Man, that's crazy
and we need to get to the bottom of at
some point. Uh. For me really quickly, I had one
(06:45):
like similar to James when I was a kid, where
I was flying around the Great Space Coaster and then
Sweet Ms from the Muppet Shows, like the Big Monster
guy like would swat it and I'd fall out and
then I'd wake up before I hit the ground. There
was that, But the main one that's stuck with me
forever because it was so bizarre and disturbing, was that
I was on one of those like Bay Areas San
Francisco dinner cruises where you just and I was there
(07:11):
with like my high school jazz choirs, like a show
choir like that. We I was in, you know, We're
all hanging out and stuff and there's a dinner portion
and we're just like having fun, goofing around, really paying attention,
and like I'm cutting into what I think is my steak.
I was talking and I looked down and it's not
a steak. It's a rat that's been like that's dead,
(07:32):
it's been fried or whatever. But then I'm cutting and
I'm opening it up and the rat is pregnant and
there's little babies coming out. They're fine, but it's just
like I'm cutting into the steak and these little bit
right physically, I was just dream to become a doctor,
just a vet, I guess. And then I would wake
up from it and I had it once or twice
(07:53):
and it was very disturbing, and I was like, what
the hell does this mean? You gotta quit that group? Man? Yeah? Right?
Did you mean bets or? Was never like that far?
And no, I don't know what it done because I
was I was scared what I was freaked out when
I saw what was there. I wasn't. I was like,
go sweet, well, I said, medium rare, James, did you
ever get bitten about your little but because I'll want
(08:17):
your little butt to get wittten, don't make fun of
my dream. It was scary, Chris, I just it was scary.
The question is do you want it to be James?
Maybe I heard e. Come on, everybody, let's do a
damn show show. You did say it, You said it.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
(08:39):
or from our Patreon v A p s. To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
com slash alchemy This. You'd like to submit a scene
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at our
new email address, alchemy This email at gmail dot com.
That's is it helpful for us all to say? At
(09:05):
the same time? Afterwards? You probably yeah, it's repetition, you know.
Seene one is from patriarm v I p Andy Montoya,
who wrote, hello and thanks to all. I love cooking
and baking in my spare time, but the past time
when I am bored, I imagine discussing food combinations. Such
combos include egg flavored pop tarts, catch up popsicles, and
pickled tea, which are all awful ideas, making them hilarious
(09:29):
to me, which leads me to these scenes. Suggestions was
sabi enema? Thanks and take care? Okay? And what's your
who's who's your insurance holder? Who's your insurance? Yeah, I
don't know, it's it's burning up. I need your insurance car.
Oh god, I don't know what the it's the one
(09:49):
with the shield on it and it's got them you
need Do you need insurance? Oh huh, you should have insurance?
Times how they take this outside and take this outside?
You know you can't hear me, buddy coming out? Get insurance?
I got insurance. Okay, okay, okay, all right, what what's
going on? Kind of insurance you're looking for? You want
(10:10):
a full body? I think I have insurance. It's just
it's in my push. Let me see. There's your card here,
that's your insurance carder here? Yeah, that's my card that's
ripped up. Don't get insurance anymore, buddy, you're gonna need
somebody wants you talk to me because I'm the only
guy they can get you show insurance. Uh okay, all right.
What do I gotta do for it's emergency? Hey, but
(10:32):
it trust me. I know this goes that working insurance. Now,
look like that a car and says something about full
body coverage. But you might need something internal with that.
You might need to cover that. I thought the body
had internal. I thought that included internal. No, no, no, no, no,
that's that's just the outside. You gotta go to the inside.
So let's see. You want outside inside and you want soul?
Is that Greg? Oh yes, yes, yes, I'm sweating. I'm
(10:55):
sweating this. You're sweating existing Talctor, just the heads up.
Your two o'clock canceled, also your your two thirties outside
he's talk Tyler. He's talking to Tyler, maybe to get insurance.
He's talking to the insurance guy. Then yes, um, and
based on what I saw, it looks like, um, live
Gerbil of ass so that's very common. It's very common. Yes,
(11:21):
so live Gerbils. And then of course you have a
three pm. Who's the three pm? That's the surgery, the
heart surgery. Okay okay. Also, um, quick little office thing
if you still use if you cannot use the microwave
for fish in the office, that the entire office. It's yes, yeah,
(11:46):
it's mails. Yes, okay. Oh that's a good thing for you. No,
it's no good for me. He's mails. Okay, okay, thank you,
he's Tyler Finish. Dr Hassan, this is why. So not
only do you do g I and all that, but
you also you also a heart surgeon as well. I
(12:07):
open the heart from the inside. From the inside, Yes,
I do the ortic mussel, do the do the Okay,
this sounds great. Uh. Well, I mean you know so much.
And it's a one stop shop. We love for uh
(12:28):
Blue Staff, Red Arrow to uh to work with you.
It's a new insurance company and only work with Tyler.
Does Tyler work with you? Tyler insurance guy? Oh that No,
we don't work with that man. You know you had
the wrong place. Would you like fish? Sure? Yeah, Okay,
(12:50):
it's just underneath this towel. That's where the fish aren't. Okay,
I get to pick on this. Okay, thanks for seeing me.
It's a short notice, Dr Hassan. So I just have
this sharp pain in my lower back whenever I moved
even at all. Also, I really need to get my
car detailed. Um some I'm hoping that you could just
(13:12):
knock take a look at my vertebrae and then also,
you know, give a once over to my miata. Okay,
let me let me explain to you and doctor, his son,
Dr Hassin. He does the card detail. People come to
my place and they say, give me the card detail
(13:33):
and look at this plan. I do one thing and
one thing only the people, the people that Hassin does
the bone. Hey, guys, just checking in, Tyler, sir, is
everything just gonna We're just going to the questionaire real
quick here, all right now, yes or no? If you
(13:56):
were at a public pool and there was a high dive,
would you use it? Yes? Yes, all right, ask print
right there. Yes, I am doctor. He hasheen and I
just want to make it clear. Um, that's PhD. So
(14:17):
I just want to make that clear. That's get over here. Okay,
that's that's that's great. Um cool. So alright, the miatas
out there, and do you have anything for the pain?
And my back is really pinching. So I'm a I'm
I'm a car doctor. Um. I did get my PhD
and automotive anatomy and I that's what I specialize in.
(14:42):
So alright, dudents have a set. You know, you've seen
a lot of first years here, a lot of first years.
Now this is automotive. I've been here for shixty I know, Marty,
you know Marty, and there's Marty. Everybody who say hell
little Marty. Okay, alright, I said hey to Martin, but
(15:06):
he didn't say hey to me. Hello, Hey, Great. Okay,
Now I'm gonna pull this down. Okay, it's gonna be
a diagram of an autobile. I don't want giggles. I don't.
We've all seen this before, Okay, all cars have them,
so I don't need to hear your comments, your remarks.
I understood. Yeah. Do you have a question you're looking
side the side, man, sir, I don't have a question.
(15:29):
I just I didn't know if anybody else was gonna
then I'm pulling this down now, Okay, we've all seen this.
You can you tell me what part this is? That
is the carburetor. Very nice, Marty issue, right, I remember
(15:51):
when I seen Listen, it's important that you know the
ins and outs of every automobile. Okay. Now, certain structure
parts will remain the same, carbor it being one of them. Great, Okay,
I see that. Tyler. Did your insurance you have? You
(16:11):
have a pen? Where do you hurt? It's it's the
it's the beginning of the butt hole all the way inside.
I don't know where it stops. I don't know where
it stops. If you say beginning of the butt hole,
you said my first name, it's just beend you over here,
casual conversation to relax your news. Okay, this is a
(16:36):
nice day. I like like, I like the weather. H sir,
you have what I call about obstruction. I will What
I will give you is an animo from the from
the hasabib. Okay, oh hey, hey back for one second.
(16:59):
I want to talk to us in class. Relay. I
remember when Coca Cola only goshed a penny. Very nice, Marty, Marty,
it's time for you to take a nap now, okay, okay,
so um, great first day, by the way, thank you,
thank you came in strong with that card writer stuff. Yep. Yeah,
(17:21):
my dad drove a car so oh no ship. Sorry,
we give you friends, right? Um? So what are your
thoughts on spark plugs and stuff? Use someone you have to? Um,
it's kind of like the defibrillator of the car. Here
it is Sam, here's the last of your stuff. Okay,
keep it all right, that's it, of course I'll keep it.
(17:44):
It's my stuff. Yeah, I know I was this Who
is this you? Know what. It doesn't matter. Here's some advice.
Don't do it, all right, you're gonna regret it. Okay, No,
you can't say by the dad because, as we've talked
about it. Okay, he's dead to us. Say it, he's
dead to us. Good. You know what. We're gonna pick
up this dude. This is your new dad. Hello, I'm
(18:06):
sixty years old. That's your dad. Okay, okay, listen, don't
mind them. Look, I'm sorry. Did you want to talk
to you more? All right, Marty, you wanna step in, buddy? Okay, Hey,
I want to talk to you. Uh. I have known
(18:28):
you now for forty years. Well you're sixty, but I've
known you since we were twenty, and you sound like
the oldest fucking six gal that I have ever heard.
I want you to go over to doctor Hussans and
just have your age check. Do you think you can
do that, buddy? I can't. And I remember when horses
(18:49):
had six legs, respect respect. I know that your family
had that whole insect horse breeding. Honey, I'm sorry, I'm home.
I couldn't get my back or the car detailed. I
kept driving around town and nobody would do both and
then I just ran out of time and everything was closed.
I'm sorry. I'll go back in the morning. It's gonna
(19:16):
she's gonna be so mad. I gotta practice this, honey.
I'm sorry. I wasn't able to get my back. Look
at it, my buddy, buddy, Yeah, you want to get
you want to get your car moving right now, you're
just sitting here in the middle of the freaking freeway
talking to yourself if you want to move your blocking traffic.
I'm sorry. My wife is just she's just so uh
(19:38):
you know, and I just just what is it? What
is it? Talk to me? Well, officer, my um my back,
it's just really hurts. She's like anything I do. And
then this car is filthy. I mean, you go to
doctor his son your your car is filthy. You go
to doctor Hassin. What buddy, you gotta get your car.
You gotta get moving. Sorry, I thought I could go
(19:58):
to one and get both on it and is out.
That's not true at all. And I just I wasted
this day, and she's gonna be so bad. Okay, you
need what you need is auto and body insurance. Let
me give you a number of a friend of mine,
Tyler hold On okay, great, okay, sir, So the doctor
checked you out. Um, now you do have Tyler's insurance?
Is that correct? Yeah, it's right here. This is the car. Great. Yeah, okay,
(20:21):
So at a bucket today, that's going to be cash. Please,
But if you flip both for the you need cash.
I don't have any cash for the Do you need cash?
That's what I'm saying. Do you need it? Bobby outside?
Take it outside? Come on, come come here. I don't
I don't any cash. Look, it's alone, it's alone. You
(20:42):
need alone, right I I shouldn't have to pay it,
but I don't have any cash and they're asking for it.
But you need a loan, right, A little loan for
just a minute while I straightened it out with Tyler. Yeah,
a little alone, right, I guess. I mean it's just
for a minute because I gotta or not. Do you
need this money? Yes? Yes? Um, I don't know. I
(21:04):
think I'll have another martini. How about you you gonna
have I'm gonna have just a cup of olives and
you can give me a cup of olives those pickles. Okay,
let's see that one martini, one cup of almonds, and
money onions as well, very perfectly. I'll be right back
with the orders. Enjoy yourselves. I gotta say this, all
those will kind of change your entire like deal, you're
(21:27):
in class, you so like you know Poppy and this
is me after a few you know what I mean?
And then I cut myself off and I moved just
to the vegetables because I need to keep keep it right,
keep it tight. Okay, here's your olives with some onion
and the martini. Uh. And the bartender said, if this
is for Sam, let him know to go fuck himself
(21:51):
and have a great day. That's that's me. I mean,
you know, I'm Sam. You want me to go fight him? What?
I'm really strong when I'm drunk and I can fucking
beat his ass. You want me to go find him
for you? I mean when when you have any conversation
with him, Sure, maybe tell him to keep his mouth shut?
You know what you do want to keep it down
(22:11):
over there to get punch in the face. I'd like
to see a lady to try to punch me. That's right.
That's not even a try, that's a straight up beyond try.
Our connection, thank you. Speaking of connection, have you noticed that, honey,
(22:35):
I'm home. Here's your glass of olives. I figured you'd
want this. Did I mention that I'm fucking pissed at you?
Did I mention that I figured you would be? You're
so fucking useless. You're absolutely a waste of space. You
have two things to do. All the towels are are wet,
(22:57):
so all the tails, you know, all the towels. So yeah,
all right, dude, I'll call you later. Yeah, air dry
and call me later. Oh. Oh, by the way, I'm
fucking the neighbor Sam. Yeah, okay, sir, So that's um.
(23:20):
So you give me dollars cash there. We will build
you for that. For that one extra dollar. That's okay.
I'm sure it's gonna get straightened, don't okay? Can we
just go over with the doctor to you today? I
guess it was was Sabi being animal. Uh. It really burns. Actually,
I don't know if you're a doctor, but it burns
almost as much as it hurt when I came in.
(23:43):
You don't know if I'm a doctor. I don't know
you're you're working the register. Yeah, I'm a cashier. I'm
a cashier here at this register. But that's very nice
of you. Why were you in here. Initially I made
an a sum sheine if I was true? Was it
live Gerbil? It was? It was a squirrel. It was
a complete accident. I don't want to get into how
(24:03):
it happened. I think I think maybe it was by
nuts and it thought that. I don't know what happened. Okay,
but did you see your nuts? I can only imagine
this road and was chasing after what it was like
Brian Tetum and always got in trouble. It was just
another day for him. Well, this time he got a
(24:26):
little crazy. He put peanut butter around the ring of
his buttle and little nuts inside. He thought, well, might
as well hold him there. You know what happened next? Well,
I'll tell you. Just settle down. You know I'd get
excited when just hold on. Let me tell you what
happened to Brian Tetum. All right, this guy's got stories
for days. I'm trying to calm down, but the story
(24:47):
is getting me excited. We'll just I'm telling you what.
I'm not gonna stop telling you what happened. Do you
know this net part down, Megan, Kid's gonna be great.
Every part in the ascension of this story is gonna
be amazing. But you just realists right over here? And
do you have the fried zuchiney Fried zuchiney? Alright? He
(25:10):
to the bath part. You might want, what's do? What's
the breading on this fried pink? Oh? He only eat
put right? What are you talking about? What's the breading?
I understand it's fried. What's the breading on this pink? Oh?
He only eat pank? I need to be pancoed. What's
the breading on this? I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation
(25:31):
about breading, but that's our first scene. See number two
is from listener Thomas. He wrote, Hi, Kevin, that's okay.
I know. Just listen to an episode where you were
enraged that listeners were not making the email switchy man.
Well here you go. Also a suggestion underwater city, Thanks Thomas. Now,
(25:57):
if we just follow these coordinates, all right, we're gonna
be able to locate the lost city of Atlambis. Trust
me on this, Okay, I know it's just crazy, but
but there there, it's down there, okay, and when we're
able to find it, we are going to be No.
Can you just swallow that? Can you just swallow whatever
you're drinking. Thank you for that. Look, let me let
(26:18):
me get this straight again. If we follow these coordinates
and your words were complicated, will actually be able to
locate the city? Yes, yes, I mean look at the
records I found here. It doesn't exist, will never find it.
That's what they said about Troy. That's what they said
(26:38):
about about the Troy. Yes they did. In the second
opinion was did they find the city of Troy? Hold on,
let me look it up in my book of found things. Yes,
they found the city. Well well well, well well look
who has the coordinates as well? I think you're going
(27:01):
to make it to a lambus before I do. I'm
funded by the crown. Maybe I should go with that.
Maybe is it too late to join your expedition? Yes,
it's too late to join his Expedition's not. I can
always use a good guy. Uh, would you like to
join me? I'd like to, but I'm not. I'm not
(27:22):
specifically a guide. I was kind of a go a
longer after. You're always just going where the money is
a real ariel. Yes, I'm going on a date. Do
you know I've started seeing people again? Well, it's been
many many Yes, I just want to let you know,
(27:45):
I'm not going to get a babysitter. You were old
enough now to look after yourself. I'd say, I'm looking down,
I'm feeling good. I'm feeling old. What I don't know
what that means? The tip really see it. I'm just saying,
don't get into any trouble. Okay? Is that with this spot?
(28:07):
Why you? What is it with your what's the spod's talk?
What's new? So I'm feeling, you know, a little bit rambunctious,
like I want to learn and use and have you
got seen area later? Lately? Hips and tits are man?
Come on, man, that's the princess. What are you doing? No,
I'm just saying that her hips and tips they're in. Yeah. Man,
we'll see that. Man, she's like thirty two or somebody
(28:29):
from nobody talks about it. Why am I the only
one to you know what I mean? You know? You
know why? Because because our entire life is set to
be guarding this door, and if anything comes in, we die.
That that's why, all right, he's got to look forward
to here's where we really die. When we when we
failed to recognize when the young ladies hips and tips
coming and fellows you're going out on a date, sir,
(28:49):
I'm going on a date. I'll be at the clam shacks,
so you know where to reach me if anything happens.
By the way, your daughter's hips and tits are in good.
What are you doing, man, I'm letting them know. I
don't know if he looked at his daughter's hips and
tips lately. There, excuse me, your daughter Ariel, he said,
he said her hips and tis her hips and tis
(29:10):
then and you agree with that same absolutely. I know
you agree with that. You said it you. I'm honestly,
I'm just trying to die. You know. Sometimes I just
feel like my father doesn't see me look at Yeah,
I don't want to listen to this. What It's bad
(29:32):
enough that you are growing in front of me. I've
been looking after you since you were four, But just
maybe you're old enough to go home without me. Now
I need you. I need your percussion. You're the only
one who can bang the shells so good when I
start singing. And also you're a good friend, and also
(29:54):
you give good advice. Oh yeah, I think it's time
for me to retur. I just I can't do this anymore.
It's it's just you know. I can't see you grow
up in front of me. It's it happens, It happened.
Aging is nothing to be sad about, scared about. It's
(30:15):
a good thing. It means you haven't died yet, and
my life exert This is like four. We're approaching a lambus.
The coordinates that you chose are absolutely right, and I
believe that we're Did you get him to thank you?
What does he do? What? What? I don't want to know.
I don't know. It looks like that we're a couple
(30:37):
of quips ahead of your enemy. I think we're going
to reach at Lumbus enough to be really quick. There's
a store my head about everyone that are strapped down
the hatches and biled down the lines. Who knows if
we're gonna be able to hurt five and coming on
slot or Poseidon drage. I hope the count step down
(30:59):
my hatches. Jesus Christ. He is a character. But I
believe him. I don't know why. I don't know why
for but for some reason, I believe him. I'm strapping
down the hatches, like you said, and I'm also barely
down the line. This is barely down the lines. Don't
know uh No, I'm sure she'll be here soon. I'll
(31:22):
just have another water. All right. Well, if your guest
doesn't show up, we will have to move you to
the bar. You know who I am? Right, yes, okay,
So it feels like you know she wouldn't. What do
you know about me? You know, personally of a couple
of thousand years old? Give him the trident? Uh on
(31:44):
Olympus control right, I'm gonna catch hey, guys. Just I
don't want to interrupt this. I just say everybody knows
there's a big storm coming in. Uh. I don't know
if there are any lines around here, but we probably
need to barrel them down. Just to be oh, hi king,
nice to see you. I just want to let everybody
know what's going on. H Okay, thank you for that.
(32:08):
Mhm okay, Well it so another wine? Or is it
possible to get around them so that we can get
to it first. I just I kind of wanted to
be in the in the boat, the vessel that got
at Lambs first, and we will. We shall see the
strategic movement by me right now and for them to
(32:31):
hit the storm straight on the hatches on Saturday. It
seems it seems like you don't know where you're going,
and you're just following them. What it seems like you're
just following them. I mean every move they make, you
make the move, and if you know where it is,
then let's just pass them. Let's just keep calm and
(32:51):
carry on like that's our thing. Correct. Yeah, correct, we'll
keep on car Okay, it will be trust me on this,
ring ling ring ling? Hello? Hi is this cereal? Y? Hi?
My name is Claremont. I don't think you've ever met me?
(33:12):
U you work with your dad? Okay? Sure? Hey? Hey,
um fuck, I don't even know how to say that.
Jesus Christ. Uh, them them tips and them them hips?
What's they're in? Yeah? Anybody anybody's slapping on them or
(33:32):
google in them? Um? Not? No? I actually I actually
haven't slapped on them myself. I didn't realize that was
a thing. Maybe it go yeah crap. Uh. I know
that your your dad's out tonight, and I'm just wondering
if I could, uh ship, How do I do you
(33:56):
want to stop on these titties? Yes, you gotta go
on a break. Yeah, go on a break. What are
you pacing back and forth? Uh? Huh? Now you want
to go on a break. You look, you're so distracted. Man.
What's going on? Truth? Truth? Yeah? Okay, as we like
to say down here, truth truth too, yeah okay. Uh,
(34:20):
no scoring a Norwall's horn. I promised, no scorn of
the Norwall's horn. What is going on? Okay? Uh? Once again?
I swear on a on a dorsal fin. Oh my gosh,
I swear on my own dorsal fin. What do you want?
What is this? Okay? No, ill will on a on
on Sebastian. I think I'm doing it. Oh god, I
(34:46):
don't want to see this. Oh yeah, let me stay here.
Oh god, no, I don't want to see anybody slapping
the two. I need you to watch, and I kind
of almost need you to like coax it on. No please, No,
no one ever knows what to do with me if
animals aren't telling them what to do, come on you,
(35:09):
but Sebastian, yes, Siah, let's go through this again. Oh god, no,
you provided the soundtrack for Claremont two slap arials. I
(35:30):
can't even say it twitties. Yes, sir, I'm sorry. I
had to, you know me, I I've stopped the shows
the right way. It was like playing bolero. They got
so turned on Sebastia. What's behind you? Is that a
human vessel? Oh? No, sire, we must die down deeper. Okay,
(35:55):
sound the horn blow that blowfish blow that? Do you
hear that? To die? I can't hear nothing right time
to die? It is what I was going to do.
Look at my hands first of all, though, you know
what these hands been. Come on, come on, man, that
(36:20):
shouldn't where a job is to serve and protect. What
are you doing them? Hips and hits turin Sorry? Uh,
he knows, he knows that you literally catfished him on
his date and that that's what you used to seduce
his daughter. And he's pissed. Man, he's real man, really,
(36:43):
I've got titties and hip school lore. You want a
slap at it, I've got to. But who cares? I
actually do slap them? Please please? Harpoons have been fired, sir?
(37:09):
Wait a minute, someone fired her? I did. I was
sloping on a sloping on a slush. I saw activity
in the water, sir, so I fired the harpoons. The
captain have to hear about this to me that the captain, captain,
you come to me like that or you've seen a
thousand ships fall, a thousand more being raised. You see
(37:35):
you know, so you know sons and no, y we're here.
Now's a chance to move on to see shanty will
take a good twenty to thirty minutes down we go,
Shall we dive? Yes, it sounds like a good idea,
that cleaning country. Here we go. Tell her how peril,
(37:57):
peril help shot? I see that and they will pay
for it. Do you have anything to tell me before
you maybe die? It needs pressure the wound I can't
touch you? Can you believe this? Where at Ariel's funeral?
That should be me in there in that shell and
(38:18):
that giant oyster shell. Damn it, I'm gonna I'm gonna
tell you something the night that uh Ariel and I
what you get? She let me make a mold of her? What? Okay?
So now you can slap him whenever? Is that? What? Yourn?
It's better than that, It's better than that. What do
(38:40):
you mean some of the some of the d n
A from Ariel got stuck in the mold. Okay? You
know my father, he's he's a rejuvenate as scientist. What
(39:00):
are you trying to say? God? How do I I
created another aerial from her DNA that was trapped in
the mold, from her tits center hips. You calonder, scientist
you I could tell scientists fish when I see one.
(39:23):
You're on my turf. There's only room enough for one
sea which I don't need a scientist around here. I
don't know what the sea witch and the scientists have
to do with each other. My clients are taking my clients.
What's up with that guy's voice? Right? No? No, no,
(39:46):
you're right? What's going on? Keep it down? Come on,
Thank you all for coming to the funeral. Audio would
be so touched that you are here. There you see
her lying dead in the lagoon. Everybody, everyone should come
here soon. There is something about her. I need you
(40:11):
all to know, Friends and family of Alumbus, this is
our last gathering as free beings. What do you mean?
What do you mean? Humans are here? They found us tech?
Were it? King? Yes? May I speak? Please? Please your
(40:37):
daughter the night that I tricked you into thinking you
had a date, and I went back and I slap
both her kids, followed immediately by her hips. Yes, I
remember I cloned your daughter. I'm listening, dude. My father
was a scientist who was later confronted by this the
(41:01):
whole story. He's the one with a weird voice, right, yes, yes, yes,
the one who gurgles when he speaks. Well, the witch
tried to throw magic at him and it so it's
a long back story. But the full grown Arial is
back in my chambers and that grandson. This is the
(41:22):
story of how Ariel came back for this time as
all tits and hips. I was there. I saw it
on my expedition. Can we go swimming now? No? I
teed to tell the story again from the top, and
that's the number two. C three is from Patrian V
(41:50):
I P. Larry Stewart, who wrote, Hey, guys, just listen
to the episode about die Hard with Marvin McHugh. Very funny.
But when our one, some or all of you going
to do your friend and colleague Chris Elverado a solid
and hosts a series of movie nights so he can
get caught up on American and other classic films so
he doesn't feel so awkward when these situations come up.
(42:11):
The man is crying for help and it's time to
listen anyway, still loving what you guys are doing, and
my suggestion this time is Girl Scout Cookie Mafia. Thanks
you guys as always, in love and prosperity to you all. Best.
Larry Stewart, Hey, grandson, come in here to my sick bed.
(42:38):
We're both here. I don't use plurals most of them.
You know your granddad is about to die from the
sugar dial busies. Oh oh, I'm so sorry, but you
guys are supposed to keep a little further away. He's
very contagious diabetes diabetes. Gy just it's they're just sugar diabetes.
(43:03):
I got them ears so sweet around him. Just step
back a little bit further. My last wish's for one
of you to bring me one of them new girls
got cookie, either the fan man all the grass huh,
whichever one of you bring me. The girl's got crookie before.
(43:27):
I will be crief onto you may and to force.
But grandfather, it's out a season. There aren't cookies available
right now. I'll do Grandpa, I'll do it. I'll do
it too. We'll find it. I'll get there first. Jaden Chading,
congratulations on your newest patch on your sash. You got
(43:54):
a sewing patch. That's nice. Great. Now, listen, I know
I'm not You're real mom was here. All my other
patches were given to me by my real mom. I know,
and I know, I know I'm the scout mom, but
I'm not your real mom. But Jayden, you've been really impressive.
(44:18):
Your archery is incredible. My mom said, doesn't mean my
skills go out the window. They didn't. My talent, just
my mom. I heard that when somebody's mom. That's just
like when you blind, then you get extra extra talents
like the blind people have. They can they can smell. Jaden,
(44:39):
is this right? Do you get extra talent? I can't
say that the reason why I'm good at stuff is
because my mom is dead. That would almost imply I'm
thankful for her death, and I'm not. I'm really really
torn up. I'm no super disrespectful Tina, and I think
that maybe we should take away there spectful patch. Okay,
(45:01):
I hope this cand of talk you for a second.
Just what mom to mom? Just give me one second, Tina, Jaden,
give me one second. Yeah, what's up, Carol. I'm a lot. Actually,
I'm I'm first. I was always happy to come in
and yeah, a little bit, I'm always happy to come
in and help out without all the things that need
to get done. But this comes into like some some
(45:21):
really fucked up therapy session for you and your stepdaughter,
and it really it just hurts my daughter's ability to
get patches. So maybe we could just do this when
we're not girls scounting. Maybe you could just have these
heart to hearts because this this isn't a patch. She
won't talk, she won't get it. Okay, okay, well then
(45:45):
maybe she did get that. So you what you were
you looking for? You're looking for Samoa's Well, what are
you looking for? You want? No? No, no, I'm looking
for h I think it's a Sandman or a grease
grease honkey, grease hockey. It's uh no, no, you go
(46:06):
back to the you go back to the shop. So
guys greased up. Look, these things are expensive. You know.
They fill off the back of a truck. If you
know what I'm saying. Oh no, they damage. No, they're
they're look, they're just they're expensive. All right. And if
(46:26):
whatever it takes to get that stand man, everything he takes,
you're gonna have to pledge your loyalty to us, all right, Okay,
yeah done. We're gonna call you whenever we need something done.
You're gonna have to pay it back, all right? Sure,
of course, are favor for me a favor for you?
(46:47):
You're in for life. Hey, Jaden, can I come in
for one second? Fine? Just one second? Hey, I want
to talk to I want to talk to you like
an adult. Mrs. Look, I found out some interesting news
(47:10):
today from the moms. I'm on the email chain. Sorry,
but you're gonna have to deliver it on the other
side of the doorway. You said, one minute, one second,
one second? Okay, can you still hear me? Yeah? No,
you don't have to close the door. Oh okay, okay, Listen.
Turns out this year shipments of cookies have been stolen
(47:34):
by some What are you trying to say? What are
you trying to blame it on meat everything? No? No, no, no, Jaden.
What I'm saying is you're the smartest person I know.
Maybe you and I could go after these bad guys.
Have you seen my math grades? I don't know, Bianca.
I mean, I guess you can go on to road
(47:54):
you for a bit, but I think you just gotta
give her her space. I mean, her mom, not two
months ago. Do you not love me anymore? Is that
what's going on here. Of course I love you, Bianca,
of course I love you. Then let me take the
Tesla X and let me take Jayden and let us
go for a little road trip. Fine. I just, honestly,
I think the best thing to do is just let
(48:16):
bygones be bygones. You know what I mean? I think.
I mean, she's like, look, she wants to me by herself,
but be it by herself. You know? So you don't
love me? What what are you not getting? Yes? I
love you? What are you talking about? How much I would? Dad?
I know that you told the kids to go get
you boy Scout cookies, Girl Scout cookies cookies. Listen, this
(48:37):
isn't fair. Those kids are gonna follow the same path
as you. Once they start fighting out how to get
girl Scout cookies offseason, they're gonna get diabetes too. Look,
so I've lived a long line. I'm almost sixty years old.
Sixty Could you imagine nobody ever expected and about it
(48:59):
off to make it that long. Those cookers and all
the sugar retreats have wrote me more pleasure of my
life than anything could. If they go down my path,
they will walk down it happily. Were swollen feet the
same way I have. All I will is finn mint
(49:25):
and I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave the room.
We're gonna have to put hot water into his blood
to dilute some of the sugar. I'm sorry, Please, this
is my time with I'm sorry. Okay, we're gonna put
hot water is blood now, okay, Jaden, that's the warehouse,
that's where all the bad men are. I'll take care
of it. You don't need me to go with you. No,
(49:47):
I don't need you, okay, all right, Now we gotta
make sure we cut it. Okay, all that matters, all right,
all the marriages that we just get the product? Move? Yeah?
What the hell is this? Antonio? What the hell is this?
Your numbers? You're down? Are you serious? What? What? What? What?
(50:09):
What was that? Pop up? You guys here? Pop up?
Who's that? The heck? Was that pop? I hear it again?
The door, the door, Don tag along? I got bad news.
The shipment was shot up, Don tag along? What are
(50:31):
you talking about? My shipment was shut up. They found
the way as he got all shut up. You gotta
be kidding me. All your pushes it dead. I'm sorry,
I never did this. I want the head on the
planet or a nice chafing dish. Do you understand me?
I understand I got one lead. One of our dealers
(50:54):
wrote on the wall and blood jade and what the
j I don't know who that is, but forget the plaid.
It only a nice jaffin dish you bring me? Oh
my god, chi, it's all those blood and all those money.
I didn't Aren't you proud? Don't you want to give
(51:16):
me a patch? Do you want to give me as
wrong in my interior? What the hell happened to the guy?
Damn Tesla? We had fun? Is that a problem? I
guess you don't love me? Jane, you did such a
good job. Would you be up for one more job?
Could we stop by Carol's house? And then I said,
(51:38):
I said, I don't care what kind of cheese it is.
If it isn't important. What do you hear that? Pop pop?
I had a pop to hear that Poppa Poppa? Now
there's what is that? I don't know? Okay, do j
(52:00):
to know? Hey? You know Carol and I'm Amy Tecy's mom,
TC's mom. Jaden, Remember, idiot, Carol, don't talk to me
like me. Look at this bad right here, a communication
(52:20):
with blood communications chill is that? Get this one right here?
What do you mean you're going to go have a
meeting with the mafia? Don you've done? How are you
you brought me into you're making me? No, you're right.
Either you're in or you're dead. So do you want
(52:42):
to be put on ice? Hey? Grandfather? Um, I couldn't
quite get you what you wanted, but I did get
some boy Scout cookies. Um, here's some fat mints and
some crickets, your granda, your things and famous and crasshopper.
(53:08):
I know, but these mints are fatter. There's more mint. Alright, son,
I'm sorry, you're gonna We're gonna have to put flour
into his bloodstream right now to take don tagalong. It's
been a long time coming. Told him to bring me
your head on the chafing dish, and I see your
head still attached to your body, and I don't see
(53:30):
no chafing dish. Let me tell you something, man, there
are girls Scout cookies and there are boy Scout cookies.
And the fact that an old man is trying to
run girl Scout cookies makes me real upset. Hey, you
(53:51):
may want to take the time to look behind you
trip to I just needed enough time for me to
pull out this gun pop pop pop pop pop popa
by get back. It's me. I'm her step mom. Just
he used the word mom, but with step in front
of it. Hey, if I gotta put two heads in
(54:14):
a chafing dish other than one, I'll do it. I'm
going going ho ship Huh. I don't know what happened,
but we'll over run this girl scout from from all
around the city. They're coming in try to kill all
of us. Food bad over run Yeah, Dante along I
(54:35):
could go ahead and call him the Docy Doe gang.
They don't want to have to owe them. But do
that and I call in the brownies. I know when
I'm beat. Hey, little girl, take this badge. I don't
waiting for somebody she ripped off his own face. Don't
(54:55):
worry about it. Um Hi talked to her. This is
my step daughter Jade, and she's doing community service for
her new badge, and she wanted to, um give some
cookies to some of your patients. Would that be okay?
Dr It's all there is a patient and well too
with sugar dion beaches. If she wouldn't mind going to
(55:18):
see him, That would be very swell. Be careful. Some
one of the nurses is apparently baking a cake inside
him right now. Oh interesting, Go ahead, I can sell
that all right. Who's there? Who's popping outside of what?
I thought you were one of my grandsons. I was
(55:40):
looking for my grandsons that was supposed to bring me
a thin mint. I've got two boxes for you, okay,
both thin mints. We ran out of grasshoppers. That's the
all part of it. That's fine. Now, you, sir, unfortunately,
(56:04):
are my next mark more. I'm gonna wear your titties
is a badge. No one eats boy Scout cookies in
my town, and I know for a fact you're eating
those fatties. Dr Doctor, we gotta alert. The cake is dying.
(56:27):
The cake is dying. I tell you not to put
water and flour and that sugar man's blood that makes yeast.
That's gonna r well. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I
thought it was a new recipe. I thought we should
try it. Okay, Listening is the best way to get
what you want out of life anyways. But he's dying.
Is that what you're telling don't you think I know
that old adage? Of course, you live by your own laws.
(56:49):
That's the only way to get through this hell by
why live by your own laws? Yes, but what's the problem.
The problem is not enough people do that. We're always
shoot all these other rules, different systems, you know what.
I use one if for the information to go in
and the other for to quickly go out. But what
are you telling me? Doctor, doctor? Doctor? I'm so sorry,
(57:11):
so sorry. We just got an emergency. We just feldering.
It's a it's a it's some sort of murder creature
with tits and hips that looks like they recently came in.
But it sall shut up and flopping around to see
what I can do. This hospital is more than I
can take. Doctor, doctor, doctor. There is a Lamborghini out
in the front and it is making him roughly sound
(57:33):
that it should not be. We need you to handle this.
You need to go to doctor. He's son. They do that.
I don't take care of car. And that's our show
to keep yours. See what's going James, And well, thank
(57:56):
you so much for having me in today. Uh I
would like to I'm trying to pull up. Oh here
we go. So this is a from a bit off
kilter who put a five star review for us, and
it says so good. I listened to this podcast whenever
I need a laugh or can't sleep. I'm not sure
(58:18):
I recommend The Ladder so funny every time. I love
each of the Alchemists. Thanks for the laughs and helping
me through such a difficult year and a half. I
just wanted to say a shout out for those amazing
reviews that we get. Thank you awesome Joey Greer. I
want to say that if you have time and you're
on YouTube, check out game Front. Go on to game Front.
(58:42):
Check out some videos of people playing video games. Maybe
you might know some of them, some of the voices,
some of the faces. Just check it out and if
you can like and subscribe and hit that bell button
for any notification for any videos. I get dropped? All right, Okay,
scary Anthony Williams hi uh. Could not give a harder
shout out to the game Front. Could not give a
(59:04):
harder shout out. Also, if you're in the Los Angeles,
California area, the black version of my improv comedy Tuope
is coming back. Do you like thirty our first show
at the ground Links. Guys, you gotta be there, whether
you're black or not. You need this, but more more,
you need more of your black very cool. I'm saying
(59:25):
that the racist. I'm literally full blown racist. It's a
staple at sketch Fest almost every year. So it's an
amazing show. You guys should all go see it. Jackie
Gonzalez to Ruthie, thank you for having me. Uh you know, hey,
when this comes out, I think July is going to
be over, so Christmas and July unfortunately will be over.
(59:46):
But you know, I'm at Jackie Druthy on the socials
and I like playing video games and I would watch
I would suggest someone watches Game Front and also the
black version. I love the black version of different movies.
I love watching that. Nice Chris Alvarado, thank you. Um wow,
I want to see if I could petition or audition
(01:00:07):
to get onto the black versions. Black face makeup high
we highly encourage black Okay, great, well then you gonna
have to hang out on Memorials for a while before
the theater opens. But yeah, I don't think it's gonna
be a problem. Okay, then yeah, catch me with the
black version when they go up with the ground links um. Also,
if you want to, if you if you have thoughts
(01:00:27):
or questions about any of the ship that we do here,
check out the Comedy Fixed podcasts, a podcast that makes
you question everything you've ever thought or learned about comedy
and performance. Thank you very much. That's the Comedy Fix. Nice.
I'm at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cole, depending on
the social media thanky go to s sketch Fest dot com.
We're hoping to be coming back pretty soon. There's video
(01:00:50):
rentals up there and stuff, and our big Fest Pocos
video we did in January still out there for now
for just ten bucks and it's three and a half
hours of comedy from amazing people, So go check that out.
Let's thank our entine, you're producer, Doug Babe and the
fine folks and I heart media dot com. Please write
to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
(01:01:12):
That's email Google Time until next time.
Alchemy This News
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