May 7, 2020 • 45 mins
What is life like this days?
Prude couple surrounded by nudists, ridiculed for wearing clothes.
Meeting to brainstorm new ideas for national defense.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of alchemi Is COVID nineteen.
You want edition, I'm your host, Kevin Pollock us that
Kevin poll Tell you what, why don't you meet me
down there at eleven tomorrow and I'll you know, see
uh then, But I digress. Let's meet to Rokami Shower
in particular. Please say hello to Craig Atkowski. Coco. When
(00:22):
you fly next, what do you imagine your inseat process
will be like in order to fly comfortably? Well, this
will be about five years from now right, and I
hope technology has advanced to the point where, uh something
like a star trek uh beaming process will take place. Transporter,
(00:44):
I'm not getting on a fucking plane. That's what I
was mab a barakas. I'm not getting on that plane. Okay,
be a close your pie hole. It's Caroline Carter, Carol Chips.
How do you know when you're done? Um? Usually on
my legs kind of buckle and I fall down. That's it.
(01:08):
What the hell? There's James Eeney Dangle Jangle, Jim, how
much would you pay it a monthly basis for life
to return to normal for all of us? What is
the monthly fee. The monthly fee you're willing to part
with so that everything is back to normal for all
of us a month. But that's all of us, right, Yes, yeah,
(01:35):
that's fair. I'll share that family plan. What if I
could get you in for one nineteen nineteen dollars a month? Hey,
it's Chris Alvarado, Chris all night long? Does it normally
look like that? No? Um, when I turned forty, it
started to change, but didn't for the better. You did
(01:59):
not turn forty. That's a lie. Oh yeah, I'm well
over forty now. I mean, well, raise your hand if
you refuse to believe this happened. My hands up, James,
hands up, Caroline, everyone's hands up, Chris. Okay, well sorry,
I don't know what to say. I'll go yourself. Quick
(02:19):
intro question. People always want to say carter to me
if they can't read, Yeah, they say, I'm not thank you.
This is so much fun. Four years old, years old,
forty plus and last, But may your sack fall out
of your socks if you think him leads it's Joey
(02:40):
Greer bad Joey. Why do you hate James so much?
I'll tell you why. Because envy, pure, pure, envy turn.
He has the skin I want, he's got the eyes
and face I want, uh, and he's got that sweet
little butt hole and I'm just jealous as hell. So
it's the rector ring that brings it home. Pretty sweet.
(03:03):
All right, James, stay out of this. All right, let's
do a damn show. Most of our scenes come from
your listener emails. Thank you so much for writing them.
I love to read them. We'll be using one of
them today. The other ones come from our patron v
i P Priority list. If you'd like to submit your
listener email scene suggesting, please write to the podcast your
(03:25):
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's her name
here at alchemy this dot com. If you'd like somehow
to become a Patriot v I P Uh fine, go
to Patreon slash alchemy this do what you gotta do.
Our first scene suggestion comes to patron v i P
David Rojare, who wrote, Hey, Kevin, glad that in the
(03:46):
last thirty plus days you've had you all have created
wonderful episodes and neglected my scene suggestions. Also, I know
you're in the business of making crap up, but I
didn't know that apply. Two things you say two members.
That was my impression of your sharp, quirky sense of humor.
(04:08):
Was it funny? Thanks for helping us laugh and survived
the terrors of indoors. You guys are wonderful, And then
he added in a second email, Wow, sleep deprivation makes
you say crazy things. Sorry for the last message. My
beautiful wife just gave birth to our second boy last week.
And while I can't believe how blessed I am and
(04:29):
grateful for such a wonderful woman in my life, I've
been wondering how others are doing in similar situations. I'd
be super interested to know what life is like these days.
You guys think you should shed some late Thanks a
million ps. I promised to do more drawings soon. Sincerely,
David Roger. It's that David everybody who does those incredible
(04:52):
drawings that we love so much. And congratulations on the
birth of your second boy. How his name is Jey Hope, Jebby.
I'll sue your ask if it is me. Oh yeah,
I'm gonna take that kid the court. But you're gonna
sume me it sounds like yes, and then I'm gonna
take the kid the court. So David is interested to
see how life is like, what life is like for
(05:17):
everyone these days? Will I'll take you to one of
those everyone. Now, honey, it's your turn to get what why?
It's your Did you ask me something? How did you?
Did you ask me something? It's your turn right here?
How do I tell you fighting? Gut David's We're not fighting.
(05:40):
We're sane. We're discussing. You're just yelling at each other.
Do you want to go? I don't want to get that.
Just gonna be do do do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do?
Is that your fucking hello? Hello? All right? Are you
(06:04):
interested in buying stuff? Buying stuff? Hold on, I can't.
I can't talk. I can't talk about that right here.
Let me get into the closet. Somebody get the door.
It's an important call. I'm not getting the door. I'm
getting it. Still stuff, Yeah, I'm interested. You're at my
(06:29):
door asking me if I want to buy stuff. It's
hard to go out and out. I guess stuff. Do
you want to buy? What are you selling? Uh? Right now?
What are you selling? Uh? You knocked at my door?
Let me come back, don't come back. I'll call you
right back and all no, no, no, I don't have
a lot of time. This is probably the only privacy
I'm gonna get. Don't go. Yeah, an, I don't even
(06:52):
know what it is yet, damn it. I'll get it.
Get the door. Yes, Hello, would you to buy something? Yep?
I would. What do you got? I'll buy anything you're selling.
Just tell me what it is. Let me come back,
Let me come back, all right, So I'll call you
right back page. Just give me one. I'm telling you
I don't have a lot of time. Free. This is
(07:14):
I'm gonna get. Give me, give me one, Give me one.
Is there a discount if I get more than one? No? One?
Things good? Yeah, so that's crazy at my house. Man,
how's it going over your parents? My dad's are both
fucking insane. They're constantly like answering the door to random people. Yeah,
(07:38):
people are People are not going trying to sell a
ship like capitalism. Hey, can you guys stop talking like
a couple of freaks or trying to raid this orcs
a cave? Holy fun? Can you just like calm down?
You're bleeding to the mic, you're screaming at can't calm down? Yeah,
they just learned how to play this game. I'm pony
(07:59):
so we please focus on the Orcs. Okay, what what?
What weapon is the orc brandishing? The orc is brandishing
of sword made of fire? Oh wait, can you not
see it? Ralph? Are you not able to see? We're
supposed to be all playing the same on the same browser, Ralph?
Are you on or not? Yes? Uh, I'm not sure
(08:22):
if I got this shut up correctly. Welcome anyone who's
watching the My two Dad's Reunion on Zoom. I'm your host,
Paul Riser, and I've got Greg Evigan. I'm waiting for
him to join, so it's just me right now. I'm
taking all your questions. Apparently we have some sort of
thing hooked up where you joined the Zoom and asking question. Okay,
(08:45):
let's take Larry's question. What's your question? Larry? What the hell?
What hoo? Are you? Is this free? That's the greatest question? Okay, Paul, Uh,
there is a small segment of America. Uh, there's a
(09:08):
small segment of America asking for a Mad About You reunion.
Even that I don't think the demand is there. But uh,
the what about Dad? Sorry, the I don't even have
the tads called my two Dad? You fucking asshole. Marcus Look,
if you're gonna talk to Paul, you got no kind
of show he's doing. Okay, you can't. I'm looking at
his IMDb right now. But look, I mean, look, look, look, look,
(09:32):
we're gonna have let you go. Okay. I know it
sucks during this time to fire someone during a pandemic,
but you're gonna have to go just for a lott
Frank Frank Frank. If you're gonna fire Marcus, you have
to ask me first. I'm the boss. And also, you
call it a pandemic, a pangramic or something. He said
it wrong when he said, I don't remember what you said,
but I was listening in the other room. It's out
of stupid. Okay, Well, I just think in general, Tara, Tara, Tara, Look,
(09:58):
I need you to answer. I mean, will you marry me? Yes?
Or no? I don't. Okay, this is what I'm saying.
I need an actual answer from you. Good. Good. Do
you know how many ladies I'm zooming with these days?
Are you serious? Yeah? I'm zooming ladies. You said I
was the only one you were zooming with. Showed you
my asshole. I didn't do that for everyone. When you
(10:22):
thank you, thank you do. We all have to watch this. Yes,
now it's a little personal Paul, do you want to
answer any questions or yeah, I'm happy to answer any
questions you might have. We had a hell of a
good time shooting the show. My two dads and I
just want to say question. Yep, the guy in the
(10:42):
lower corner that can't they can't sham about his name?
What's what's going on? Okay? So this is a reunion.
You know they do a lot of these reunions now
apparently I don't even goddamnit. Hell, somebody get that I'm
(11:05):
not getting the door. I'm a lone person. Hello. Am
I speaking to the Turner residents? Yes? Hi, my name
is you Lar. I'm asking to know if you or
your family are happy with the internet service you're currently
get the door I'm getting im on the phone. Uh,
(11:27):
did you stay happy with our internet service? Are you
happy with the internet service that is currently provided? Listen?
It depends on it. We're all streaming. Can I help
you person on my doorstep? Hello, my name is Jollar.
I'm here to sorry. What is it? What is your name? Ar?
Joe Lar? I'm here to ask you if you're happy
(11:49):
with your internet service. I might be if I could
spell your name? Are you the charm residents? Would you
like to upgrade? Would you? Are you looking to upgrade
your services? Are you looking to upgrade your This is
I might joel? Are I just need a spelling on
your name? Are you looking to upgrade your services? Are
you looking at your services? Oh? Sometimes it feels like
(12:11):
I'm living in a bad eighties sitcom. Okay, I want
to attack the orc with a with a flame spell.
Wait wait, wait, wait, okay, before you know Jesus Christ,
Oh God, dammit, you add you just add another all
on us? Okay, okay, let's get let's get an Ali burst.
(12:33):
Can we mute that character? That character? All right? Just
that or because that one's going? Okay? But I need
I need heals. Okay, okay, everyone get their cool downs. Okay, great,
so let's get a dot on that orc and then
let's move over here. Do you feel like you are happy?
Mine are not? Can we not talk about family when
(12:54):
we're doing this? Please? Okay? I still? Can we mute
that or that character? It? Sir? Sales for our video
game are through the roof or Cave Hunter. Three thousand
is the number one online game during this pandemic. Now,
I'm gonna say something a little controversial. I think we
(13:15):
should keep this disease going to make sure that the
video game sales don't stop. I just feel like it's
a little selfish. There's there's a whole bunch of industries
are suffering while our industry is just going skyrocketing. It
is just going skyrocketing, and I think that if we
continue to let its skyrocket, but it's gonna look pretty
(13:37):
bad if it comes. Guys, guys, guys, guys. Guess I
got the numbers, and I got the numbers in to
trill to trillion. My god, oh, how many people are
in the world. How many people are in the world.
There's there's four points, but there's I guess last I checked,
it's like eight billion people set me instead. On the average,
there each getting a hundred thousand copies more than he's
(14:02):
getting hundreds of thousands of cat sir. I'm sorry to interrupt.
Paul Riser and Greg Evigan are doing a live zoom
called Reuniting My two days. We have to go. How
do we get that live? Okay, yes, I just got
time for one more question and then I've got to go.
This has been the greatest. Yes, the upper left corner there.
(14:24):
What is your name? Young man? What's happening that scene one?
That is scene one? Uh, maybe he'll be in the
Stranger Things Zoom reunion as well. Scene two comes rous
from Justin, who wrote long time Listener, first time emailing
(14:45):
in My scene suggestion is prude couple, gender and orientation
your choice. Prude couple surrounded by nudist and ridiculed for
wearing clothes. Can't wait to hear what you come up with.
Justin Portland, Oregon. Alright, so the orientation is just about complete.
(15:07):
We just have the I want to show you that
you folks the kitchen, and then once we go beyond
the orientation, we will need you to join everyone else
here at the nudist colony by by removing your clon clothing.
What did you say joining everyone here at the news?
(15:28):
I thought this was a Buddhist colony. I oh, I'm not.
I'm sorry. I'm not going to take my clothes off.
I have extremely huge don't say it. Don't don't even
finish that. Let her finish of my goddamn business. Let
of my business. If you're if you're not not newdie.
(15:48):
Then just let her say it. Just let her say
if she needs to get it out. We paid, We
each paid the two initiation. We sat through the whole orientation,
and I can't believe it's just now I'm realizing you
can believe it. I can't believe it. It's a nudist
colony and I frankly cannot participate that because of my
enormous several several several of the members are also Buddhists.
(16:12):
You won't feel like an outsider. Okay, Well, honey, I'd
like to stay for if we could talk to the Buddhists,
but of course you can talk to the Buddhist. Well,
I'm not gonna take my clothes off either, Okay, my
testicles are very thin and very sharp. Hey, Derek Man,
great barbecue last night, really great barbecue. The wife and
I had a great times burning Man, really really good time. Man.
(16:38):
I just want to say, you know, thanks for having us.
Hey Man, your dick is on fun. It was super
cool that you guys could make it. Yeah, yea, yeah,
I'm never sorry about sorry about the incident, but you
look like you've you've recovered, not only are recovered, endured
(17:00):
flourish and would say I decided not to put it out.
It's gonna be my thing. Hey man, your cock is
in flame. Man, thank you, thank you. I wasn't sure
if that was you. Yeah, that's me. Wow wow. So
how long has the have have your genitals been on fire? Um?
Three glorious days? Three days? Okay? That guys, dick is hot. Okay,
(17:26):
can we it's okay? I know him, I know him.
Are you sure he's just gonna hang out in the hallway?
He's cool, he's cool. How about sending us a smoke
signal from your cock? So doc um, I don't I'm
here to ask how long can I keep this going? Well,
there doesn't append to be uh any permanent skin damage. Um,
(17:50):
this flame is not going out. It is he's burning, man,
the wiener's burning. Yeah. I mean I have to agree
with your colleague in the hall. Uh. Your your penis
appears to just be eternally burning. Somebody put a margin
la on a stitch. Honey, I know he said that
we were going to try to, um officially start trying
(18:14):
for a child. Now I have to be honest. He
Oh my god, your hands are cold, babe. Let me
be honest with you. I'm frankly not comfortable with you,
um raw dogging and me if your if your penis
is on fire? Wow? Okay, Um, first of all, this
(18:37):
is like my thing now and second of all, put
that ship out. Raw dogging you is the only thing
I've been looking forward to for the last three years
because we've been using protection and now we want to
have a kid. But before when we were using protection,
your penis wasn't on fire, and now it's on fire.
And frankly, oh, thank you both for coming to my
(19:00):
priest office. I appreciate you booked them here for a
little couple's counsel. Yeah, we were surprised if this wasn't
at the church. You have like a separate office. You
have to go to Little on the suttle, Uh little
bodegaf you will. I don't really sell anything, but it's
like saying that word. So I understood that this is
about raw dogg and is that correct? Yeah? I want
to row dog my wife badly and that I want
to be clear, it's not That's not what I had
(19:21):
the problem with. She's okay with rod dogging, right, babe?
Tell him baby, I mean you're not my baby. You're
my priest. But um, maybe I'm okay rod Dogg, but
I am not okay with the fact that his penis
is on fire. That's okay. So excuse me, folks, so
(19:41):
so terribly sorry to interrupted. I just had a message
I needed to get to the father. Excuse me forgive
me for interrupting, father baby, there's a message there from
from from interrupting. It's been two months since my last interruption. Yes,
what is it, my son? No, you I interrupted? Oh
that was how you were going to let me interrupt. Sorry,
(20:04):
father baby, Dick, it's it's your cousin, which your cousin
told me you had a message for you. So, Tommy,
your mind is not doing well. She's she's gone to hospital.
In the hospital, your father. Can we just have your blessing?
I want to hold on one second, hold hold on once.
(20:27):
My mind is going to the hospital. Your mind, you
my mouth, your mother, my mother, my mother, my mind
sounded out your mother. You got softer, didn't here. Okay, listen,
I'm gonna follow you. Look the baby, Dick again. I
(20:49):
hate to interrupting. Very sorry he did. I'm sorry for
to get that message. You never left right even folks, folks,
I'm sorry it's interrupt Uh, sir, lovely penis, just lovely
tell her all right, miss, that's a lovely that's a
lovely dick. Please don't look at my husband's penis. That's
(21:11):
a grand dick. But there's no way not looking at
a dick on fire. Okay, So let's let's just split
up the teams right now. So if we want to
just pick who's on whose team, I appreciate the people
who weren't wearing shoes today. This is a newest peach. Okay,
even though we are using asphalt here to play on
the court. But let's just pick out who we want
to play and then we'll just start running full court.
(21:33):
So I'll go first. Let's do Brian. How about you? Nice? No?
Now you Brian? Um, all right, get there, Brian, I
will chose Brian in your face. No, not you. I
think I got picked over the other cool pick all right,
(22:02):
that's it. So uh but I didn't even to put
on a team and wet uh Brian, listen, we've just
got about seventeen minutes left in this session. And no,
he's talking to me. This is my session, this is
my therapy. Did you bring you brought the person you
(22:26):
brought with you could Is there any way he could
step out for maybe our last seventeen minutes? Oh my god,
I would really like it if Brian would step out. Brian, Yeah,
would you mind? This is Brian's time, so you don't
need to be here. I guess that is what I'm saying.
Things would be so much better off if you weren't
in fact here. What are you trying to say? I
(22:47):
would like you to leave. Okay, went through the door.
This doesn't count on my seventeen minutes. Certainly does Brian?
Get out of here? Okay, give me a second. Let
me click all my stuff. I got a lot of
coloring books and comic books I gotta pick up. I
can just shove that stuff out the door afterwards. Is
that silber Surfer? Yeah it wow? The no kids are
(23:10):
still reading surf? Yeah, we'll have an adult so well.
For those of you who have gone through orientation, we
say welcome, welcome, and now is the ceremonial removal of
the clothing. Dude, Hey, Stevie, you can't come on. She's
(23:32):
got thin long knockers. Excuse me, sir. I was fine
with that man um asking me to show him my
big old juggies. But when you talk about them, that's disgusting. Okay, hey,
we're all wives here, you know what I mean. Question? Yes, Tommy, yes, yes,
(23:54):
thank you. Okay, so everybody on the counter. Three, let's
remove our clothes and then do the wave. Okay, here
we go. Whoops, took him off early like a joker.
To three. Here we go. Holy like ropes. Yeah, they
(24:14):
are ropes. I don't want to take my clothes off. Okay,
I just don't want to take my clothes off. Sir.
Are you familiar with Sadartha Gautama? Yes, Tama, you know
the author from the Buddha. Yeah. Yeah, he was sitting
underneath the sicky of tree and that's where he right,
(24:34):
that's right now, that's what you're doing essentially when you
remove those clothes. Huh, what's your dick? Look my my
pps fine, I have very sharp thin balls. Okay, take
off your I took off my shirt. It's fine. They're
now playing tug of war with Mike. Could you feel
(24:56):
I can feel at all? Dude, take off your move on,
take off let's see your I think they want to
see them. I'm scared that my tests are going to
be used as weapons of war again, shows your razor
blade balls. Okay, okay, fine, I'll do it, but I
want everyone here to know this. Okay. I want you
to accept me from me, not for my razor sharp
(25:18):
ding dongst somebody with your nutsack, all right. That that's
why I don't want to do it, because of that
stuff right there. Okay, He's just one guy. This is
his deal. Let's just his stick. He runs around the compounds. Well,
it's it's more than enough, okay, because it's like, if
that guy's around here, what else are you just letting?
Have you met? Have you met the brands? I've met,
(25:38):
the brans I met, and there's one brains, the psychopath. Okay,
and I'm scared of that guy, big, big. Look. The
fact that you let that guy slide by here saying
no that crazy stuff bout letting him cut people up
with my ball. The fact that you were judging them
shows that you are far away from reaching enlightenment. Sir,
Now drop your pants and let me cut those balls. Okay,
(25:59):
if you cut them, you're gonna cut your hand. I
can't be more clear about this. The razor sharp. Let Okay, honey,
I don't know. I gotta wait in the car. I'll
wait in the car for the entire two weeks. In
I'll wait in the car for the two weeks. I
don't get Okay, Look do you see this. I can't
(26:19):
do this and no one's stopping this guy. Okay, people
are gonna get hurt if my balls are let loose.
They won't. Oh, you promised that, yes, if someone What
about Oklahoma City? What about Oklahoma City? Well, that was different.
That was different. That was you choosing to murder a
large group of people. Basically, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay,
(26:41):
I've changed. I've grown a lot. So exactly so you said,
you said yourself, you change, So take off your pants.
Let what about tamp What about Tampa? What about Hey, Brian?
At least Jesus Christ? And that's what too sen to,
(27:03):
officially titled too Many Brian. Scene three comes to us
from Patreon. V I Ye Seen three comes from pat
v I P Nicholas Mascarella, who wrote scene suggestion. I
want to start by thanking the often underappreciated by fans
(27:24):
host of the podcast you, Kevin Pollock, your creepy goblin
voice and constant under your breath background laughter, never cease
to crack me up. My scene suggestion today comes from
work experience as an employee for a defense contractor and
is as follows. A meeting is called to brainstorm new
(27:48):
ideas for national defense. Unfortunately all the ideas are awful.
Good luck, stay safe and love you all, especially Joey. Alright,
get in here, all right? So uh north step north
north of Northrup is up for a huge contract with
(28:09):
the d D and we got to come up with
some ideas now, okay, So okay, we got it. You're
not it, okay, so if you let's just if you're
not it, you can't have any coffee or donuts. Okay.
But if you're not it, you can't have any Yeah
that's right. But he brought he brought the coffee and doughnuts.
(28:29):
I think it's unfair that he's not allowed to have them. Well,
that's just the way we're gonna do it here in
Northern London, being fair. It's about making sure that we
get this d D deal maybe. I mean, look, there's
fifteen billion dollars on the table, Okay, we gotta come
up with something. Boning is out there kicking our ass
(28:49):
every step of the way, so we gotta come up.
You don't mind me saying, We've always heard the best
defense is a good offense. I think you can smoke
it here, sir. Let's see him like, let's just see
what he has to say. Say. Now, we realize there's
(29:10):
a lot of dogs and cats around the country, right,
speak up, let's say that we just put some lasers
on the I'm still talking. You speak up, So we
weren't able to hear I'm saying, why don't we put
some lasers on the catch on. I'm gonna stand in
(29:31):
the back of the room and then let's okay, is
he's saying, Richard Maser, I don't I think so, okay,
go go. Can you hear me? I can hear you? Okay,
all right, So what I'm saying is the best defense
is a good offense. So let's put laser beams on
(29:53):
cat backs and raise the blades on cat tails. Talk
to Mr Boeing, Yeah, um, I just what what? What?
Wanted to give you the latest reports? It seems that
(30:13):
North from Grobbing is planning some really high text stuff. Okay,
I'm I'm all he is pocket pig? What else did
they say? That's such bullshit? What what pot? Don't? Don't
(30:35):
nicknames are all affection bullshit? Hey, hey, rufus, listen, you
want me to call you a different kind of name
like rufus Donald duck. Yeah, that's bad because you don't
wear any pants. Look, I just was here to drop
off the information. Okay, maybe you'd find it you useful. Okay,
(30:57):
let's play a real quick game though not not thank you, no,
thank you, no, thank you, thank you, thank you? Who. Now,
if we look at this diagram here, we'll see that
the animals will have a laser on their back. Right now,
A certain animals, let's say their cats. Let's just use
that yes question. Wait, okay, okay, okay, uh, just just
(31:29):
give me one second. Let me just talk to my partners.
I'll be right back. They're so old. Everyone in that
kindam board means a thousand years old. My god, I
I can't sell to them. Okay, I just can't sell
to them. We're gonna have to go somewhere else. You
gotta want it. You don't have to want, of course
I want it. Everyone in there is. I can't sell
because everybody's do old. I don't even know what that means.
(31:51):
It means that they can't pull your head out of
your ass. They're all talked to them like they need
to be talked to. You want me to scream at
elderly people? Is that what you want me to do?
Probably abused the elderly, but you want I'm not condoning abuse.
Loud talking is appreciated by the older. Okay, yeah, but
that's angry talk. You know, there's a difference difference between
loud enunciated speech and then aggressive behavior. Okay, let's try
(32:14):
loud enunciated speech. Tim, that's my idea. Don't make this
seem like this is you want me to go in
there and you want me to punch these old people
in the throat. Hey ellen, good to see you man,
Thanks for meaning me for coffee. Good to see you,
bud So. A couple of things, A couple of things. Still,
what's in the oat? Milk? This is good? Yeah, tell milk,
(32:34):
of course, the milk. A couple of things. Couple things.
Couple of things. Uh, let's see you got two old
milk alot days? Oh you already have some take tele here,
Well keep them com I want to make I might
have the wrong tables. No, I think, I think, I think, sorry,
I think. No no, no, no, no, no no no, no,
no no no. Uh. My name is Cran and that's
(32:58):
what it says on the If I want your coffee,
I can drink your coffee. Oh shore, my god, I
don't know who you are and I don't care. So
this is Elon Musk Cran. This is a very important individual.
He's he made flamethrowers that you could buy recreationally. So
I'm gonna just do you want to absolutely that's gonna
(33:27):
burn forever. Pal excuse me, Musk. He started doing your
rap to m It means you from the front, all right,
go ahead, take me or kill me. Stop. Is this
a telegram? Yes, yes, that is a dilligreing. Okay, great, great,
(33:54):
It's so crazy going up to coffee. This is a
typical day. Are you were in the middle of the
pitch to me? Yeah, couple, think just get right to
get right to it because we're gonna get up. So
Bobby Bowie, holy hell, it's Elon, Holy hell. Look at
(34:15):
this man. Man. I follow you twitters all the time.
I follow your twitters all the time. Chris Rock not
the one you think. Oh my god. You know people
people ask me this all time. Do you we look alike? Huh?
Do we look alike? Do we look alike? Now you
don't look like, Oh we get out of here. Take Oh? Sorry,
(34:45):
but you were in the middle of the pitch yea cups? Sorry? Um,
I was just out in the front um and my
car won't start. I have a tesla um and it's
just not starting. So I was wondering if you could
kind of like tell me how to aren't it to
start your tesla? Yeah? I don't know the first thing
(35:05):
about that. You made them right. I mean, I'm an
idea guy. I'm not necessarily the nuts and bolts guy. Okay,
I just confused because I was charging it for like
a really long time. Are you probably overcharged it? Probably
overcharged it? But I drove it here. Okay, I have
no idea. I have no idea. Take a flamethrower. Really, Ellen,
(35:33):
this is Jim. I'm in your ear. Don't let the
gentleman you're having the launch food meeting with no but
next next person to come up to you is an alien.
Just so you know, we have eyes on them. We
have eyes on them. You're going to be fun. Hi. Yeah,
(35:57):
it's good to see that. Remind me where we met. Yeah,
Detroit Auto Show. Of course, give him a flamethrower. Okay, Jim,
I don't need to be told to do. I give up.
So why do you want my kiddies? Sir? Well, we're
(36:20):
using this as a draft and we're gathering all of
the house cats in the area and we're starting a
small army. That make sense of You want to use
my kiddies to make playtime. No, we're going to use
your kiddies for national defense. That katty that that kitty
(36:45):
does not sound sweet. It sounds ready for battle. It
sounds like a battle cat. Well, these are my These
are my kitties, my grandma. Well, we are having a
draft and we are enlisting all kitties. I'm sorry, Look
at who the hell are you are you talking about? Kid,
I'm with the Department of Defense the d o D.
(37:07):
We're here to pick up every kitty that you have.
Do you have any kind of a badge or any
kind of this is this is my gun. Sometimes this
has more authority. Okay, all right, hold on a second,
what the hell do you want? I want every goddamn
cat in your house, and I need them in a
bag and I'm taking them with me. Get the cats turned, Kimberly,
get inside ship. I didn't get inside. You want the cats.
(37:31):
I want every cat you have in a bag. You'll
get the cats back. Okay, look, you got all the cats.
It's amazing, but they're all dead. They're all in a bag. Well,
the old saying is cats out of the bag. I
thought that bags and cats were like peanut butter and jelly.
(37:51):
We got one cat, we contested, What the hell are
you talking about? The old saying is cats out of
the bag. Why is that like peanut butter and jelly?
What does it have to do with the bat? It's
just an old say. You know, different sings. Now, I've
got five dead cats on my hand and one but
(38:13):
there's one living cat. You know, this can''ll be like Rambo.
It's going to be a really good cat. Okay, Well,
I hope you can do something with it, because I
just so. I hope you've got a good laser beating
to put on the back of this. I have a
great laser being. My last name is Laser. My first
name is U Frank and uh yeah, I kind of
that's kind of tell the truth you you you've got
(38:34):
that last name added on? Didn't? Yeah? I gotta added on? Yeah, okay,
just going over application for a name change. Frank, you
don't want the last name flee him, but you'd like
to change it to lasers. Yeah, I want to change
for an alien to laser. Please? What's the background of that?
(38:54):
Do you ask everyone that question? I never had someone
this chatty at the d MB before. You know what?
Work here a minute, I don't think so, yeah, you
want to change you want to change it to laser? Yes, Um,
it's French. But my mom was deaf. And when you
(39:18):
meet people with the name laser what will you tell
them the origin of that name is? I guess I'll
tell them that it's because I invented lasers. I'm just
working with you, that's cool. I don't really get when
people are joking with me usually. So, okay, we just
need to take your photo if you just look straight
(39:40):
ahead into the ukan my dad. I'm just working. We
don't need your photo, okay. And what about that guy's dick.
That's a beautiful cock. Yeah, so so somebody used the
(40:01):
flamethrower to uh to put your dick on fire at
the DMV. Yeah, okay, well apparently you have no permanent
wounds here, but it is kind of an eternal flame.
A raw dog this week? Why could I could hook
you up for a raw dog consult? You'll have to
go outside the hospital system and see a priest. Of course,
(40:25):
it's one away for me to douse it. No, I
think you've got to keep this flame going. But yeah,
I would definitely if you want to row dog. Can
I get a second opinion or something like? I just
feel like you can't out of my office? Dr Musk,
you're tell him your second opinion is that he's also ugly. Okay,
shut the funk up, Jim. I'm not sure. I'm not
(40:46):
sure you we even exist. What do you mean? I
don't exig what you're ugly? Jim? The voice in my
head told me to tell you that. Well, you're a
piece of ship. Just because you make those gud damn batteries,
you think you're cool. I never should have went to
the Star Looks bathroom with you, so you can take
a look at my fire own thing. I just cut
the ship out of my hand and your balls. Oh
(41:10):
and that is our show for today. Uh, such a pleasure.
Christoph Varado, thank you so much for joining us today,
buddy boy, thanks for having me. I love you guys,
and I love everyone and I love everything. Alright, Uh
sounds like yeah. Follow Sunny is a good boy on
(41:33):
them A good boy. S O n n Y is
a good boy on Instagram. Alright, pal, great to see
your fat as always. James Heeney, thanks for tuning in.
Check out the Adventure Bits on YouTube. We're playing some
Dark Souls. It's incredible expert walkthrough of an incredible game.
(41:53):
And how do we find that? It's on YouTube? At
the Adventure Bits The Adventure Bits. I'm sure that if
you just looked up James Heeney and Adventure it would
show up. Could folks just send you two or three
dollars each instead? Uh? Yeah, actually, in fact five dollars
and you don't have to look at anything. I ever too,
(42:13):
But that's a monthly feet Where do they send that?
Can you give us an address to we'll put it
on then give this Instagram. Caroline Connor, thank you so much.
Sorry you burnt that bread again. I know that was sad.
It did not look burnt. It was just in the
oven too long? What would it be? Yeah, every almost
(42:35):
every time I make bread, I forget about it because
it takes so long. What are we talking about in
terms of so long? Like over twenty four hours between
all the rising and the turning and the oven and yeah,
I have a timer on my phone. But then I
like get distracted and it's kind of bad. All right,
(42:56):
we'll keep posting those photos. Please, I can't get enough
of the burnt breaks. I'll try and thank you for
being here. Craig Cows. What a pleasure. Check out the
final episode of Craig's That's a great place to start
to start at number one, work your way backwards. Also
communities streaming on Netflix now. If you care about me
and want me to get residual checks while uh, this
(43:17):
pandemic is happening, that's a great. Uh, it's a good
it's a good show. But really it's me m h always.
If we wanted to just send two or three dollars, yeah,
tended to you via James Heeney. Yeah, I prefer to
get money in two dollar and cent chunks. Joey Graherman,
(43:39):
thank you, also, my friend, thank you for having me
you uh you got any shows to plug on the
West Side Theater, west Side Comedy Theaters, to twitch, Twitch
dot tv, backslash, west Side Comedy Theater. We're gonna bear
supply every Wednesday at seven o'clock. Check it out in
some random shows throughout to check out my instagram at
Jebi Greeber to know what's going down air supply. Oh yeah,
(44:08):
pretty much. Uh well, thank you Joey and you're inflamed
Penis from joining us today, and thank you all for
listening out there. We hope you're well and extremely healthy.
Um we look forward to uh spending some time with
(44:29):
you on a weekly basis, So hang in there and
we will to Let's thank our engineering producer with the Stars,
Mr Doug Bain, and I Heart Media. I'm your host,
Kevin Polic. Until next time, h
Welcome back to another episode of alchemi Is COVID nineteen.
You want edition, I'm your host, Kevin Pollock us that
Kevin poll Tell you what, why don't you meet me
down there at eleven tomorrow and I'll you know, see
uh then, But I digress. Let's meet to Rokami Shower
in particular. Please say hello to Craig Atkowski. Coco. When
(00:22):
you fly next, what do you imagine your inseat process
will be like in order to fly comfortably? Well, this
will be about five years from now right, and I
hope technology has advanced to the point where, uh something
like a star trek uh beaming process will take place. Transporter,
(00:44):
I'm not getting on a fucking plane. That's what I
was mab a barakas. I'm not getting on that plane. Okay,
be a close your pie hole. It's Caroline Carter, Carol Chips.
How do you know when you're done? Um? Usually on
my legs kind of buckle and I fall down. That's it.
(01:08):
What the hell? There's James Eeney Dangle Jangle, Jim, how
much would you pay it a monthly basis for life
to return to normal for all of us? What is
the monthly fee. The monthly fee you're willing to part
with so that everything is back to normal for all
of us a month. But that's all of us, right, Yes, yeah,
(01:35):
that's fair. I'll share that family plan. What if I
could get you in for one nineteen nineteen dollars a month? Hey,
it's Chris Alvarado, Chris all night long? Does it normally
look like that? No? Um, when I turned forty, it
started to change, but didn't for the better. You did
(01:59):
not turn forty. That's a lie. Oh yeah, I'm well
over forty now. I mean, well, raise your hand if
you refuse to believe this happened. My hands up, James,
hands up, Caroline, everyone's hands up, Chris. Okay, well sorry,
I don't know what to say. I'll go yourself. Quick
(02:19):
intro question. People always want to say carter to me
if they can't read, Yeah, they say, I'm not thank you.
This is so much fun. Four years old, years old,
forty plus and last, But may your sack fall out
of your socks if you think him leads it's Joey
(02:40):
Greer bad Joey. Why do you hate James so much?
I'll tell you why. Because envy, pure, pure, envy turn.
He has the skin I want, he's got the eyes
and face I want, uh, and he's got that sweet
little butt hole and I'm just jealous as hell. So
it's the rector ring that brings it home. Pretty sweet.
(03:03):
All right, James, stay out of this. All right, let's
do a damn show. Most of our scenes come from
your listener emails. Thank you so much for writing them.
I love to read them. We'll be using one of
them today. The other ones come from our patron v
i P Priority list. If you'd like to submit your
listener email scene suggesting, please write to the podcast your
(03:25):
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's her name
here at alchemy this dot com. If you'd like somehow
to become a Patriot v I P Uh fine, go
to Patreon slash alchemy this do what you gotta do.
Our first scene suggestion comes to patron v i P
David Rojare, who wrote, Hey, Kevin, glad that in the
(03:46):
last thirty plus days you've had you all have created
wonderful episodes and neglected my scene suggestions. Also, I know
you're in the business of making crap up, but I
didn't know that apply. Two things you say two members.
That was my impression of your sharp, quirky sense of humor.
(04:08):
Was it funny? Thanks for helping us laugh and survived
the terrors of indoors. You guys are wonderful, And then
he added in a second email, Wow, sleep deprivation makes
you say crazy things. Sorry for the last message. My
beautiful wife just gave birth to our second boy last week.
And while I can't believe how blessed I am and
(04:29):
grateful for such a wonderful woman in my life, I've
been wondering how others are doing in similar situations. I'd
be super interested to know what life is like these days.
You guys think you should shed some late Thanks a
million ps. I promised to do more drawings soon. Sincerely,
David Roger. It's that David everybody who does those incredible
(04:52):
drawings that we love so much. And congratulations on the
birth of your second boy. How his name is Jey Hope, Jebby.
I'll sue your ask if it is me. Oh yeah,
I'm gonna take that kid the court. But you're gonna
sume me it sounds like yes, and then I'm gonna
take the kid the court. So David is interested to
see how life is like, what life is like for
(05:17):
everyone these days? Will I'll take you to one of
those everyone. Now, honey, it's your turn to get what why?
It's your Did you ask me something? How did you?
Did you ask me something? It's your turn right here?
How do I tell you fighting? Gut David's We're not fighting.
(05:40):
We're sane. We're discussing. You're just yelling at each other.
Do you want to go? I don't want to get that.
Just gonna be do do do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do?
Is that your fucking hello? Hello? All right? Are you
(06:04):
interested in buying stuff? Buying stuff? Hold on, I can't.
I can't talk. I can't talk about that right here.
Let me get into the closet. Somebody get the door.
It's an important call. I'm not getting the door. I'm
getting it. Still stuff, Yeah, I'm interested. You're at my
(06:29):
door asking me if I want to buy stuff. It's
hard to go out and out. I guess stuff. Do
you want to buy? What are you selling? Uh? Right now?
What are you selling? Uh? You knocked at my door?
Let me come back, don't come back. I'll call you
right back and all no, no, no, I don't have
a lot of time. This is probably the only privacy
I'm gonna get. Don't go. Yeah, an, I don't even
(06:52):
know what it is yet, damn it. I'll get it.
Get the door. Yes, Hello, would you to buy something? Yep?
I would. What do you got? I'll buy anything you're selling.
Just tell me what it is. Let me come back,
Let me come back, all right, So I'll call you
right back page. Just give me one. I'm telling you
I don't have a lot of time. Free. This is
(07:14):
I'm gonna get. Give me, give me one, Give me one.
Is there a discount if I get more than one? No? One?
Things good? Yeah, so that's crazy at my house. Man,
how's it going over your parents? My dad's are both
fucking insane. They're constantly like answering the door to random people. Yeah,
(07:38):
people are People are not going trying to sell a
ship like capitalism. Hey, can you guys stop talking like
a couple of freaks or trying to raid this orcs
a cave? Holy fun? Can you just like calm down?
You're bleeding to the mic, you're screaming at can't calm down? Yeah,
they just learned how to play this game. I'm pony
(07:59):
so we please focus on the Orcs. Okay, what what?
What weapon is the orc brandishing? The orc is brandishing
of sword made of fire? Oh wait, can you not
see it? Ralph? Are you not able to see? We're
supposed to be all playing the same on the same browser, Ralph?
Are you on or not? Yes? Uh, I'm not sure
(08:22):
if I got this shut up correctly. Welcome anyone who's
watching the My two Dad's Reunion on Zoom. I'm your host,
Paul Riser, and I've got Greg Evigan. I'm waiting for
him to join, so it's just me right now. I'm
taking all your questions. Apparently we have some sort of
thing hooked up where you joined the Zoom and asking question. Okay,
(08:45):
let's take Larry's question. What's your question? Larry? What the hell?
What hoo? Are you? Is this free? That's the greatest question? Okay, Paul, Uh,
there is a small segment of America. Uh, there's a
(09:08):
small segment of America asking for a Mad About You reunion.
Even that I don't think the demand is there. But uh,
the what about Dad? Sorry, the I don't even have
the tads called my two Dad? You fucking asshole. Marcus Look,
if you're gonna talk to Paul, you got no kind
of show he's doing. Okay, you can't. I'm looking at
his IMDb right now. But look, I mean, look, look, look, look,
(09:32):
we're gonna have let you go. Okay. I know it
sucks during this time to fire someone during a pandemic,
but you're gonna have to go just for a lott
Frank Frank Frank. If you're gonna fire Marcus, you have
to ask me first. I'm the boss. And also, you
call it a pandemic, a pangramic or something. He said
it wrong when he said, I don't remember what you said,
but I was listening in the other room. It's out
of stupid. Okay, Well, I just think in general, Tara, Tara, Tara, Look,
(09:58):
I need you to answer. I mean, will you marry me? Yes?
Or no? I don't. Okay, this is what I'm saying.
I need an actual answer from you. Good. Good. Do
you know how many ladies I'm zooming with these days?
Are you serious? Yeah? I'm zooming ladies. You said I
was the only one you were zooming with. Showed you
my asshole. I didn't do that for everyone. When you
(10:22):
thank you, thank you do. We all have to watch this. Yes,
now it's a little personal Paul, do you want to
answer any questions or yeah, I'm happy to answer any
questions you might have. We had a hell of a
good time shooting the show. My two dads and I
just want to say question. Yep, the guy in the
(10:42):
lower corner that can't they can't sham about his name?
What's what's going on? Okay? So this is a reunion.
You know they do a lot of these reunions now
apparently I don't even goddamnit. Hell, somebody get that I'm
(11:05):
not getting the door. I'm a lone person. Hello. Am
I speaking to the Turner residents? Yes? Hi, my name
is you Lar. I'm asking to know if you or
your family are happy with the internet service you're currently
get the door I'm getting im on the phone. Uh,
(11:27):
did you stay happy with our internet service? Are you
happy with the internet service that is currently provided? Listen?
It depends on it. We're all streaming. Can I help
you person on my doorstep? Hello, my name is Jollar.
I'm here to sorry. What is it? What is your name? Ar?
Joe Lar? I'm here to ask you if you're happy
(11:49):
with your internet service. I might be if I could
spell your name? Are you the charm residents? Would you
like to upgrade? Would you? Are you looking to upgrade
your services? Are you looking to upgrade your This is
I might joel? Are I just need a spelling on
your name? Are you looking to upgrade your services? Are
you looking at your services? Oh? Sometimes it feels like
(12:11):
I'm living in a bad eighties sitcom. Okay, I want
to attack the orc with a with a flame spell.
Wait wait, wait, wait, okay, before you know Jesus Christ,
Oh God, dammit, you add you just add another all
on us? Okay, okay, let's get let's get an Ali burst.
(12:33):
Can we mute that character? That character? All right? Just
that or because that one's going? Okay? But I need
I need heals. Okay, okay, everyone get their cool downs. Okay, great,
so let's get a dot on that orc and then
let's move over here. Do you feel like you are happy?
Mine are not? Can we not talk about family when
(12:54):
we're doing this? Please? Okay? I still? Can we mute
that or that character? It? Sir? Sales for our video
game are through the roof or Cave Hunter. Three thousand
is the number one online game during this pandemic. Now,
I'm gonna say something a little controversial. I think we
(13:15):
should keep this disease going to make sure that the
video game sales don't stop. I just feel like it's
a little selfish. There's there's a whole bunch of industries
are suffering while our industry is just going skyrocketing. It
is just going skyrocketing, and I think that if we
continue to let its skyrocket, but it's gonna look pretty
(13:37):
bad if it comes. Guys, guys, guys, guys. Guess I
got the numbers, and I got the numbers in to
trill to trillion. My god, oh, how many people are
in the world. How many people are in the world.
There's there's four points, but there's I guess last I checked,
it's like eight billion people set me instead. On the average,
there each getting a hundred thousand copies more than he's
(14:02):
getting hundreds of thousands of cat sir. I'm sorry to interrupt.
Paul Riser and Greg Evigan are doing a live zoom
called Reuniting My two days. We have to go. How
do we get that live? Okay, yes, I just got
time for one more question and then I've got to go.
This has been the greatest. Yes, the upper left corner there.
(14:24):
What is your name? Young man? What's happening that scene one?
That is scene one? Uh, maybe he'll be in the
Stranger Things Zoom reunion as well. Scene two comes rous
from Justin, who wrote long time Listener, first time emailing
(14:45):
in My scene suggestion is prude couple, gender and orientation
your choice. Prude couple surrounded by nudist and ridiculed for
wearing clothes. Can't wait to hear what you come up with.
Justin Portland, Oregon. Alright, so the orientation is just about complete.
(15:07):
We just have the I want to show you that
you folks the kitchen, and then once we go beyond
the orientation, we will need you to join everyone else
here at the nudist colony by by removing your clon clothing.
What did you say joining everyone here at the news?
(15:28):
I thought this was a Buddhist colony. I oh, I'm not.
I'm sorry. I'm not going to take my clothes off.
I have extremely huge don't say it. Don't don't even
finish that. Let her finish of my goddamn business. Let
of my business. If you're if you're not not newdie.
(15:48):
Then just let her say it. Just let her say
if she needs to get it out. We paid, We
each paid the two initiation. We sat through the whole orientation,
and I can't believe it's just now I'm realizing you
can believe it. I can't believe it. It's a nudist
colony and I frankly cannot participate that because of my
enormous several several several of the members are also Buddhists.
(16:12):
You won't feel like an outsider. Okay, Well, honey, I'd
like to stay for if we could talk to the Buddhists,
but of course you can talk to the Buddhist. Well,
I'm not gonna take my clothes off either, Okay, my
testicles are very thin and very sharp. Hey, Derek Man,
great barbecue last night, really great barbecue. The wife and
I had a great times burning Man, really really good time. Man.
(16:38):
I just want to say, you know, thanks for having us.
Hey Man, your dick is on fun. It was super
cool that you guys could make it. Yeah, yea, yeah,
I'm never sorry about sorry about the incident, but you
look like you've you've recovered, not only are recovered, endured
(17:00):
flourish and would say I decided not to put it out.
It's gonna be my thing. Hey man, your cock is
in flame. Man, thank you, thank you. I wasn't sure
if that was you. Yeah, that's me. Wow wow. So
how long has the have have your genitals been on fire? Um?
Three glorious days? Three days? Okay? That guys, dick is hot. Okay,
(17:26):
can we it's okay? I know him, I know him.
Are you sure he's just gonna hang out in the hallway?
He's cool, he's cool. How about sending us a smoke
signal from your cock? So doc um, I don't I'm
here to ask how long can I keep this going? Well,
there doesn't append to be uh any permanent skin damage. Um,
(17:50):
this flame is not going out. It is he's burning, man,
the wiener's burning. Yeah. I mean I have to agree
with your colleague in the hall. Uh. Your your penis
appears to just be eternally burning. Somebody put a margin
la on a stitch. Honey, I know he said that
we were going to try to, um officially start trying
(18:14):
for a child. Now I have to be honest. He
Oh my god, your hands are cold, babe. Let me
be honest with you. I'm frankly not comfortable with you,
um raw dogging and me if your if your penis
is on fire? Wow? Okay, Um, first of all, this
(18:37):
is like my thing now and second of all, put
that ship out. Raw dogging you is the only thing
I've been looking forward to for the last three years
because we've been using protection and now we want to
have a kid. But before when we were using protection,
your penis wasn't on fire, and now it's on fire.
And frankly, oh, thank you both for coming to my
(19:00):
priest office. I appreciate you booked them here for a
little couple's counsel. Yeah, we were surprised if this wasn't
at the church. You have like a separate office. You
have to go to Little on the suttle, Uh little
bodegaf you will. I don't really sell anything, but it's
like saying that word. So I understood that this is
about raw dogg and is that correct? Yeah? I want
to row dog my wife badly and that I want
to be clear, it's not That's not what I had
(19:21):
the problem with. She's okay with rod dogging, right, babe?
Tell him baby, I mean you're not my baby. You're
my priest. But um, maybe I'm okay rod Dogg, but
I am not okay with the fact that his penis
is on fire. That's okay. So excuse me, folks, so
(19:41):
so terribly sorry to interrupted. I just had a message
I needed to get to the father. Excuse me forgive
me for interrupting, father baby, there's a message there from
from from interrupting. It's been two months since my last interruption. Yes,
what is it, my son? No, you I interrupted? Oh
that was how you were going to let me interrupt. Sorry,
(20:04):
father baby, Dick, it's it's your cousin, which your cousin
told me you had a message for you. So, Tommy,
your mind is not doing well. She's she's gone to hospital.
In the hospital, your father. Can we just have your blessing?
I want to hold on one second, hold hold on once.
(20:27):
My mind is going to the hospital. Your mind, you
my mouth, your mother, my mother, my mother, my mind
sounded out your mother. You got softer, didn't here. Okay, listen,
I'm gonna follow you. Look the baby, Dick again. I
(20:49):
hate to interrupting. Very sorry he did. I'm sorry for
to get that message. You never left right even folks, folks,
I'm sorry it's interrupt Uh, sir, lovely penis, just lovely
tell her all right, miss, that's a lovely that's a
lovely dick. Please don't look at my husband's penis. That's
(21:11):
a grand dick. But there's no way not looking at
a dick on fire. Okay, So let's let's just split
up the teams right now. So if we want to
just pick who's on whose team, I appreciate the people
who weren't wearing shoes today. This is a newest peach. Okay,
even though we are using asphalt here to play on
the court. But let's just pick out who we want
to play and then we'll just start running full court.
(21:33):
So I'll go first. Let's do Brian. How about you? Nice? No?
Now you Brian? Um, all right, get there, Brian, I
will chose Brian in your face. No, not you. I
think I got picked over the other cool pick all right,
(22:02):
that's it. So uh but I didn't even to put
on a team and wet uh Brian, listen, we've just
got about seventeen minutes left in this session. And no,
he's talking to me. This is my session, this is
my therapy. Did you bring you brought the person you
(22:26):
brought with you could Is there any way he could
step out for maybe our last seventeen minutes? Oh my god,
I would really like it if Brian would step out. Brian, Yeah,
would you mind? This is Brian's time, so you don't
need to be here. I guess that is what I'm saying.
Things would be so much better off if you weren't
in fact here. What are you trying to say? I
(22:47):
would like you to leave. Okay, went through the door.
This doesn't count on my seventeen minutes. Certainly does Brian?
Get out of here? Okay, give me a second. Let
me click all my stuff. I got a lot of
coloring books and comic books I gotta pick up. I
can just shove that stuff out the door afterwards. Is
that silber Surfer? Yeah it wow? The no kids are
(23:10):
still reading surf? Yeah, we'll have an adult so well.
For those of you who have gone through orientation, we
say welcome, welcome, and now is the ceremonial removal of
the clothing. Dude, Hey, Stevie, you can't come on. She's
(23:32):
got thin long knockers. Excuse me, sir. I was fine
with that man um asking me to show him my
big old juggies. But when you talk about them, that's disgusting. Okay, hey,
we're all wives here, you know what I mean. Question? Yes, Tommy, yes, yes,
(23:54):
thank you. Okay, so everybody on the counter. Three, let's
remove our clothes and then do the wave. Okay, here
we go. Whoops, took him off early like a joker.
To three. Here we go. Holy like ropes. Yeah, they
(24:14):
are ropes. I don't want to take my clothes off. Okay,
I just don't want to take my clothes off. Sir.
Are you familiar with Sadartha Gautama? Yes, Tama, you know
the author from the Buddha. Yeah. Yeah, he was sitting
underneath the sicky of tree and that's where he right,
(24:34):
that's right now, that's what you're doing essentially when you
remove those clothes. Huh, what's your dick? Look my my
pps fine, I have very sharp thin balls. Okay, take
off your I took off my shirt. It's fine. They're
now playing tug of war with Mike. Could you feel
(24:56):
I can feel at all? Dude, take off your move on,
take off let's see your I think they want to
see them. I'm scared that my tests are going to
be used as weapons of war again, shows your razor
blade balls. Okay, okay, fine, I'll do it, but I
want everyone here to know this. Okay. I want you
to accept me from me, not for my razor sharp
(25:18):
ding dongst somebody with your nutsack, all right. That that's
why I don't want to do it, because of that
stuff right there. Okay, He's just one guy. This is
his deal. Let's just his stick. He runs around the compounds. Well,
it's it's more than enough, okay, because it's like, if
that guy's around here, what else are you just letting?
Have you met? Have you met the brands? I've met,
(25:38):
the brans I met, and there's one brains, the psychopath. Okay,
and I'm scared of that guy, big, big. Look. The
fact that you let that guy slide by here saying
no that crazy stuff bout letting him cut people up
with my ball. The fact that you were judging them
shows that you are far away from reaching enlightenment. Sir,
Now drop your pants and let me cut those balls. Okay,
(25:59):
if you cut them, you're gonna cut your hand. I
can't be more clear about this. The razor sharp. Let Okay, honey,
I don't know. I gotta wait in the car. I'll
wait in the car for the entire two weeks. In
I'll wait in the car for the two weeks. I
don't get Okay, Look do you see this. I can't
(26:19):
do this and no one's stopping this guy. Okay, people
are gonna get hurt if my balls are let loose.
They won't. Oh, you promised that, yes, if someone What
about Oklahoma City? What about Oklahoma City? Well, that was different.
That was different. That was you choosing to murder a
large group of people. Basically, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay,
(26:41):
I've changed. I've grown a lot. So exactly so you said,
you said yourself, you change, So take off your pants.
Let what about tamp What about Tampa? What about Hey, Brian?
At least Jesus Christ? And that's what too sen to,
(27:03):
officially titled too Many Brian. Scene three comes to us
from Patreon. V I Ye Seen three comes from pat
v I P Nicholas Mascarella, who wrote scene suggestion. I
want to start by thanking the often underappreciated by fans
(27:24):
host of the podcast you, Kevin Pollock, your creepy goblin
voice and constant under your breath background laughter, never cease
to crack me up. My scene suggestion today comes from
work experience as an employee for a defense contractor and
is as follows. A meeting is called to brainstorm new
(27:48):
ideas for national defense. Unfortunately all the ideas are awful.
Good luck, stay safe and love you all, especially Joey. Alright,
get in here, all right? So uh north step north
north of Northrup is up for a huge contract with
(28:09):
the d D and we got to come up with
some ideas now, okay, So okay, we got it. You're
not it, okay, so if you let's just if you're
not it, you can't have any coffee or donuts. Okay.
But if you're not it, you can't have any Yeah
that's right. But he brought he brought the coffee and doughnuts.
(28:29):
I think it's unfair that he's not allowed to have them. Well,
that's just the way we're gonna do it here in
Northern London, being fair. It's about making sure that we
get this d D deal maybe. I mean, look, there's
fifteen billion dollars on the table, Okay, we gotta come
up with something. Boning is out there kicking our ass
(28:49):
every step of the way, so we gotta come up.
You don't mind me saying, We've always heard the best
defense is a good offense. I think you can smoke
it here, sir. Let's see him like, let's just see
what he has to say. Say. Now, we realize there's
(29:10):
a lot of dogs and cats around the country, right,
speak up, let's say that we just put some lasers
on the I'm still talking. You speak up, So we
weren't able to hear I'm saying, why don't we put
some lasers on the catch on. I'm gonna stand in
(29:31):
the back of the room and then let's okay, is
he's saying, Richard Maser, I don't I think so, okay,
go go. Can you hear me? I can hear you? Okay,
all right, So what I'm saying is the best defense
is a good offense. So let's put laser beams on
(29:53):
cat backs and raise the blades on cat tails. Talk
to Mr Boeing, Yeah, um, I just what what? What?
Wanted to give you the latest reports? It seems that
(30:13):
North from Grobbing is planning some really high text stuff. Okay,
I'm I'm all he is pocket pig? What else did
they say? That's such bullshit? What what pot? Don't? Don't
(30:35):
nicknames are all affection bullshit? Hey, hey, rufus, listen, you
want me to call you a different kind of name
like rufus Donald duck. Yeah, that's bad because you don't
wear any pants. Look, I just was here to drop
off the information. Okay, maybe you'd find it you useful. Okay,
(30:57):
let's play a real quick game though not not thank you, no,
thank you, no, thank you, thank you, thank you? Who. Now,
if we look at this diagram here, we'll see that
the animals will have a laser on their back. Right now,
A certain animals, let's say their cats. Let's just use
that yes question. Wait, okay, okay, okay, uh, just just
(31:29):
give me one second. Let me just talk to my partners.
I'll be right back. They're so old. Everyone in that
kindam board means a thousand years old. My god, I
I can't sell to them. Okay, I just can't sell
to them. We're gonna have to go somewhere else. You
gotta want it. You don't have to want, of course
I want it. Everyone in there is. I can't sell
because everybody's do old. I don't even know what that means.
(31:51):
It means that they can't pull your head out of
your ass. They're all talked to them like they need
to be talked to. You want me to scream at
elderly people? Is that what you want me to do?
Probably abused the elderly, but you want I'm not condoning abuse.
Loud talking is appreciated by the older. Okay, yeah, but
that's angry talk. You know, there's a difference difference between
loud enunciated speech and then aggressive behavior. Okay, let's try
(32:14):
loud enunciated speech. Tim, that's my idea. Don't make this
seem like this is you want me to go in
there and you want me to punch these old people
in the throat. Hey ellen, good to see you man,
Thanks for meaning me for coffee. Good to see you,
bud So. A couple of things, A couple of things. Still,
what's in the oat? Milk? This is good? Yeah, tell milk,
(32:34):
of course, the milk. A couple of things. Couple things.
Couple of things. Uh, let's see you got two old
milk alot days? Oh you already have some take tele here,
Well keep them com I want to make I might
have the wrong tables. No, I think, I think, I think, sorry,
I think. No no, no, no, no, no no no, no,
no no no. Uh. My name is Cran and that's
(32:58):
what it says on the If I want your coffee,
I can drink your coffee. Oh shore, my god, I
don't know who you are and I don't care. So
this is Elon Musk Cran. This is a very important individual.
He's he made flamethrowers that you could buy recreationally. So
I'm gonna just do you want to absolutely that's gonna
(33:27):
burn forever. Pal excuse me, Musk. He started doing your
rap to m It means you from the front, all right,
go ahead, take me or kill me. Stop. Is this
a telegram? Yes, yes, that is a dilligreing. Okay, great, great,
(33:54):
It's so crazy going up to coffee. This is a
typical day. Are you were in the middle of the
pitch to me? Yeah, couple, think just get right to
get right to it because we're gonna get up. So
Bobby Bowie, holy hell, it's Elon, Holy hell. Look at
(34:15):
this man. Man. I follow you twitters all the time.
I follow your twitters all the time. Chris Rock not
the one you think. Oh my god. You know people
people ask me this all time. Do you we look alike? Huh?
Do we look alike? Do we look alike? Now you
don't look like, Oh we get out of here. Take Oh? Sorry,
(34:45):
but you were in the middle of the pitch yea cups? Sorry? Um,
I was just out in the front um and my
car won't start. I have a tesla um and it's
just not starting. So I was wondering if you could
kind of like tell me how to aren't it to
start your tesla? Yeah? I don't know the first thing
(35:05):
about that. You made them right. I mean, I'm an
idea guy. I'm not necessarily the nuts and bolts guy. Okay,
I just confused because I was charging it for like
a really long time. Are you probably overcharged it? Probably
overcharged it? But I drove it here. Okay, I have
no idea. I have no idea. Take a flamethrower. Really, Ellen,
(35:33):
this is Jim. I'm in your ear. Don't let the
gentleman you're having the launch food meeting with no but
next next person to come up to you is an alien.
Just so you know, we have eyes on them. We
have eyes on them. You're going to be fun. Hi. Yeah,
(35:57):
it's good to see that. Remind me where we met. Yeah,
Detroit Auto Show. Of course, give him a flamethrower. Okay, Jim,
I don't need to be told to do. I give up.
So why do you want my kiddies? Sir? Well, we're
(36:20):
using this as a draft and we're gathering all of
the house cats in the area and we're starting a
small army. That make sense of You want to use
my kiddies to make playtime. No, we're going to use
your kiddies for national defense. That katty that that kitty
(36:45):
does not sound sweet. It sounds ready for battle. It
sounds like a battle cat. Well, these are my These
are my kitties, my grandma. Well, we are having a
draft and we are enlisting all kitties. I'm sorry, Look
at who the hell are you are you talking about? Kid,
I'm with the Department of Defense the d o D.
(37:07):
We're here to pick up every kitty that you have.
Do you have any kind of a badge or any
kind of this is this is my gun. Sometimes this
has more authority. Okay, all right, hold on a second,
what the hell do you want? I want every goddamn
cat in your house, and I need them in a
bag and I'm taking them with me. Get the cats turned, Kimberly,
get inside ship. I didn't get inside. You want the cats.
(37:31):
I want every cat you have in a bag. You'll
get the cats back. Okay, look, you got all the cats.
It's amazing, but they're all dead. They're all in a bag. Well,
the old saying is cats out of the bag. I
thought that bags and cats were like peanut butter and jelly.
(37:51):
We got one cat, we contested, What the hell are
you talking about? The old saying is cats out of
the bag. Why is that like peanut butter and jelly?
What does it have to do with the bat? It's
just an old say. You know, different sings. Now, I've
got five dead cats on my hand and one but
(38:13):
there's one living cat. You know, this can''ll be like Rambo.
It's going to be a really good cat. Okay, Well,
I hope you can do something with it, because I
just so. I hope you've got a good laser beating
to put on the back of this. I have a
great laser being. My last name is Laser. My first
name is U Frank and uh yeah, I kind of
that's kind of tell the truth you you you've got
(38:34):
that last name added on? Didn't? Yeah? I gotta added on? Yeah, okay,
just going over application for a name change. Frank, you
don't want the last name flee him, but you'd like
to change it to lasers. Yeah, I want to change
for an alien to laser. Please? What's the background of that?
(38:54):
Do you ask everyone that question? I never had someone
this chatty at the d MB before. You know what?
Work here a minute, I don't think so, yeah, you
want to change you want to change it to laser? Yes, Um,
it's French. But my mom was deaf. And when you
(39:18):
meet people with the name laser what will you tell
them the origin of that name is? I guess I'll
tell them that it's because I invented lasers. I'm just
working with you, that's cool. I don't really get when
people are joking with me usually. So, okay, we just
need to take your photo if you just look straight
(39:40):
ahead into the ukan my dad. I'm just working. We
don't need your photo, okay. And what about that guy's dick.
That's a beautiful cock. Yeah, so so somebody used the
(40:01):
flamethrower to uh to put your dick on fire at
the DMV. Yeah, okay, well apparently you have no permanent
wounds here, but it is kind of an eternal flame.
A raw dog this week? Why could I could hook
you up for a raw dog consult? You'll have to
go outside the hospital system and see a priest. Of course,
(40:25):
it's one away for me to douse it. No, I
think you've got to keep this flame going. But yeah,
I would definitely if you want to row dog. Can
I get a second opinion or something like? I just
feel like you can't out of my office? Dr Musk,
you're tell him your second opinion is that he's also ugly. Okay,
shut the funk up, Jim. I'm not sure. I'm not
(40:46):
sure you we even exist. What do you mean? I
don't exig what you're ugly? Jim? The voice in my
head told me to tell you that. Well, you're a
piece of ship. Just because you make those gud damn batteries,
you think you're cool. I never should have went to
the Star Looks bathroom with you, so you can take
a look at my fire own thing. I just cut
the ship out of my hand and your balls. Oh
(41:10):
and that is our show for today. Uh, such a pleasure.
Christoph Varado, thank you so much for joining us today,
buddy boy, thanks for having me. I love you guys,
and I love everyone and I love everything. Alright, Uh
sounds like yeah. Follow Sunny is a good boy on
(41:33):
them A good boy. S O n n Y is
a good boy on Instagram. Alright, pal, great to see
your fat as always. James Heeney, thanks for tuning in.
Check out the Adventure Bits on YouTube. We're playing some
Dark Souls. It's incredible expert walkthrough of an incredible game.
(41:53):
And how do we find that? It's on YouTube? At
the Adventure Bits The Adventure Bits. I'm sure that if
you just looked up James Heeney and Adventure it would
show up. Could folks just send you two or three
dollars each instead? Uh? Yeah, actually, in fact five dollars
and you don't have to look at anything. I ever too,
(42:13):
But that's a monthly feet Where do they send that?
Can you give us an address to we'll put it
on then give this Instagram. Caroline Connor, thank you so much.
Sorry you burnt that bread again. I know that was sad.
It did not look burnt. It was just in the
oven too long? What would it be? Yeah, every almost
(42:35):
every time I make bread, I forget about it because
it takes so long. What are we talking about in
terms of so long? Like over twenty four hours between
all the rising and the turning and the oven and yeah,
I have a timer on my phone. But then I
like get distracted and it's kind of bad. All right,
(42:56):
we'll keep posting those photos. Please, I can't get enough
of the burnt breaks. I'll try and thank you for
being here. Craig Cows. What a pleasure. Check out the
final episode of Craig's That's a great place to start
to start at number one, work your way backwards. Also
communities streaming on Netflix now. If you care about me
and want me to get residual checks while uh, this
(43:17):
pandemic is happening, that's a great. Uh, it's a good
it's a good show. But really it's me m h always.
If we wanted to just send two or three dollars, yeah,
tended to you via James Heeney. Yeah, I prefer to
get money in two dollar and cent chunks. Joey Graherman,
(43:39):
thank you, also, my friend, thank you for having me
you uh you got any shows to plug on the
West Side Theater, west Side Comedy Theaters, to twitch, Twitch
dot tv, backslash, west Side Comedy Theater. We're gonna bear
supply every Wednesday at seven o'clock. Check it out in
some random shows throughout to check out my instagram at
Jebi Greeber to know what's going down air supply. Oh yeah,
(44:08):
pretty much. Uh well, thank you Joey and you're inflamed
Penis from joining us today, and thank you all for
listening out there. We hope you're well and extremely healthy.
Um we look forward to uh spending some time with
(44:29):
you on a weekly basis, So hang in there and
we will to Let's thank our engineering producer with the Stars,
Mr Doug Bain, and I Heart Media. I'm your host,
Kevin Polic. Until next time, h
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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