August 13, 2019 • 55 mins
What The Dead World Leader’s Parrot Knew; The Hangover Revisited; Truckers See Everything In Passing Cars.Norweiga’s President is dead, and his parrot knows too much… Weird one of these idiots woke up with a new tatoo… What we do in our cars on the open road, as seen by truckers…
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This packing a
bindle and hopping on this runaway train is me. Cole Stratton.
Kevin Pollock is busy shooting the prequel to Buffalo sixty
six Buffalo sixty five. Let's go ahead and meet today's alchemists.
First up, she's the only one who knows where Hidden
Valley Ranch really is. Vanessa raglan Vie, what's your go
(00:23):
to sally dressing? Oh? No dressing me. Usually it's upsetting
or olive oil and then just salt and pepper. I
want to taste the veedge. I'm so glad I asked
that randomly weird question. Absolutely insane. All right, he's so unbelievable.
(00:45):
E m F wrote a song about him, Craig Craig,
What's your guilty Pleasure? Nineties song? Um? I like, uh?
Was this the nineties? Legend of a cow Girl by
Amanti Coppola might have been, what a pleasure? I don't
feel that guilty about it, Torn Nat something we all know.
(01:11):
Taste the veg just trying to get that hashtag. Next up,
she'll swim like five minutes after eating, and she don't
give a fuck. It's Carla Carla, what little life rebellion
do you like doing? Um? You know, I will skip
floss things, take that teeth. But we have one schedule
(01:38):
at six o'clock today and I can't get out of it.
He's the master of every accent except one. James, he
needs keen Wolf. What one accent? Can you just not
wrap your head around? I have a hard time doing
anything from um Norwegian. It's on funny. I struggle, so
(02:04):
we all call it every day. And finally he's only
freed to podcasts when he isn't throwing chairs in the
amateur wrestling ring. Joey Greer, Joey, what nickname do you
wrestle under? Uh? The stinkler checks out? Definitely checks out.
All right, let's get to our first scene. All of
(02:26):
today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If
you liked some ears, can I give one shout out
my nephew. I'm ruining him. He listens to the podcast
and he loves it so much. Shot follows everybody on Instagram.
But just to shout out to Tom Sketsey because he's
the best and he's so can get in trouble from
(02:49):
your family? My sister hasn't listened to the show, and
my family never listened to anything I've done, so he's
the only one who knows who I am stupid, the
one about a dog with thumbs. I think all of
our today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
(03:10):
If you'd like to submit years, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Here's
our first scene suggestion for the day. Hey guys, huge
fan of the show. Been listening since the very first episode.
You make my long bike ride to school fly by,
and I sometimes almost crashed because I'm crying laughing. Here
(03:30):
here's the premise. A world leader is on a diplomatic
visit to another country. When the leader suddenly dies, information
security would not be an issue if it weren't for
the fact that the leader's pet parrot, who accompanied them
to every meeting meal conference, was captured by the intelligence
service of the foreign country. The agents attempt to get
as much information from the parrot before anyone notices it's gone.
(03:51):
Thanks for all the last stephen S from Texas PS layoff, James.
He's got it hard enough as it is, and here's
the president of Norwegia. Say something president like a you
can Oh my god, I think he died. I didn't
(04:16):
you kill him? No, I didn't kill him. I just
presented you the president. We just couldn't understand his thick
Norwegia accent. No, no, no, I think he's dead. I
think I think he was choking the hold you must
have killed? Are you holding onto his neck? Well? Yes,
but I thought that was just a form of hello.
I didn't. I didn't know that. Okay, God, damn it.
Did you saw anything? I forget I saw anything. Okay,
(04:40):
you know what. I understand him, his thick Norwegian accent.
I'll be him. I'll be the I'll be the president
of Norwegia. What I'll just I'll wear his skin, you'll
wear his skin. I'll cut his skin. You're panicking, you're
not thinking Norwegia. Holy Holy, I'm sorry. I couldn't help.
(05:03):
But no, just that the dietyhould probably be the next Wait,
why are we finding the successor before we deal with
the death. We don't find the successor. That's not our job.
Is pretty big booment for me. We get a translator,
We need a translator. I can trans translate. I can translate. Okay,
he just wanted to wear human skin. We can't trust
(05:25):
freaking out Claire. Relax, Okay, relax, okay, cool, Mr Vice
President say that again. We're going to translate. You don't
have to shout at me. I can understand English very well.
What he's saying. Now, what's he's saying? You can understand
this very well. He is I am now the president.
He is now the resident? Is the president? So president?
(05:48):
He's president? Yes, of I am the new leader of Norwegia. Okay,
he's the new leader of Norwegia. No such thing as Norwegia.
How are we? Jeff, I can't understand the parent. I
gotta translator. Parrot in the other room. I'm gonna get it.
So I do think that's a good idea to cut
(06:10):
the skin in there? Okay, okay, So he agrees with me.
He agrees with cutting the skin and wearing it, and
wear it. The last thing we want to do is
make people think that we don't have a real good,
strong leadership. But wait, I didn't understand that. He wants
to make sure that that I'm the leader. No, no, no, no,
I'm lead, but you're going to wear the skin, and
(06:30):
you'll take the orders from me. Why are we wearing skin?
All right? I'm the translator, parrot, so I can translate
to the parrot that with that parent of a lot
of attitude. I don't know if I like that. I
am ready to translate. Judging the parrot, she's professional. I'm
doing my job. Well, she's enunciating too much. No, if
(06:52):
a man part was doing this, you'd love the fucking thing.
I don't know if that's true. She's absolutely true. You
don't like this professional parrot because it's a female. You know,
maybe the parent wasn't wearing pants. You know, maybe if
you didn't say that you wanted to wear a man's skin.
Where a skin? He said, Where is his skin? It's
on the body, the body, okay, rector, he said, where
(07:15):
his skin? Not where he is? What did he Okay,
he's saying where the skin? I can understand him. I
can understand. I'm a translator. Part. I'm a translator, he said,
I'm a translator. That's he was talking about me. I
am the translator. Are you a parent, parrot or you something?
What else is going on with your Parrot and Norwegia
(07:38):
born to you with the academy it was, and I
only get paid sixty sixty cents on the dollar of
my of my counterpart. Honey, I'm in the same boat.
And look at these idiots. It's a really beautiful heritage. Though.
By the way, thank you. Can we focus on the
problem here? There's a dead Norwegian? Why don't we just
(07:59):
for Weren't the death the big weekend? And what weekend
is it? You do understand it's the week wa second, Claire,
do you understand him or not? Do you speak Norwegian?
Do you speak Norwegia or Norwegian? I actually speak both.
Oh yeah, we are qualified than I am. No, don't
(08:22):
say that. It's true. You were doing more than what
you need to do. Okay, Well I got your back, girl,
I got your back girl, your back girl. Now, he
was just making fun of us. I understood, you understood. Look,
I was trying to hide that credential because, as you know,
I get judged if I underperformed. I get judged if
I overperformed, because you don't perform perform every day. I
performed for years with you, James. I can't stress this enough.
(08:46):
I was tired. Were you tired? Tired? For three years?
I was tired. You know. I passed the detective exam
for him. That sounds illegal. You took the test for him. Okay,
we don't need Okay, cils down, everyone, pencils down, Claire,
What what I want to want to get up? To leave?
(09:07):
You're gonna have to stay under my shirt? Okay, what
you look? No one can know you're here. Okay, Okay,
now I'm heading out Part two of the detective exam.
Thank you, okay, and pencils up. Okay, stick your arms
through my shirt. You're gonna have to read the questions.
I can't see. I can't read the questions. Okay, okay, okay,
put your arms in my shirt. Okay, okay, all right, Okay,
(09:29):
you're gonna have to You're gonna have to collect the
tests afterwards, okay, okay, all right. I'm gonna stay here
under your shirt to help you out there. Okay, thank
you so much. I don't know how to proctor a test, obviously,
but don't worry. I'm here, Okay, Okay, I know exactly
what I'm doing. Alright. Part three of your exam, Shooting accuracy.
Here's a here's your gun. There, we'll put the target back.
Thank you. I just have something in my chest. It's fine, Claire,
(09:52):
cla Claire. I can't give you eye goggles or ear muffs. Okay,
what you're gonna have to do? This? Can do this?
Point guns up, guys, guns up, Okay, put your arms
through my sleeve and fire. Oh we're bad. Oh my god,
(10:15):
kill you. Shut you shut. I'm not a proctor, but
it sounds like you passed with flying color scholars. I did.
I did, Claire. It doesn't count as you passing just
because I was under your shirt. My name is on
the certificate, which means I passed. We need to take
(10:39):
ourselves very seriously right now. We need to take ourselves
very seriously right now. It's a big weekend for Norwegia.
If they that our president is dead, then we might
we might not have a successful dependent weekend. That wasn't clear.
We have this, cla Isla. They're declaring their dependence depend
(11:00):
nor we just declaring their inpend So it's an independence independence. Wait,
you're declaring your dependence. Who are you dependent on Norwegia?
Wait you are Norwegia. No, we are, we are I'm sorry.
Lost inlation day, dependence dependence day, we have a dead
Norwegia president and I don't that is one. That is
(11:27):
one Hello, who can do his voice? I have the
closest thing to his accident. I don't know how to
enter the thing. I don't want to Hell, it's still right.
What do you mean you know how to enter it?
It's a fingerprint? There we go, Hello, Hello, NCYS is
a very suprisdent of Norwegia's something I can help you with.
(11:49):
And I'm calling the president of Norwegian He's a easy
right now? Do you want to call back later? Thank you?
What is he saying? What is he saying? It seemed
like it was a personal call. And he's gonna call Bickly.
It seemed like it was a personal call. He was
gonna call back later. Shut up, do shut up? No,
I got one job here, Okay to translate for this
(12:11):
fucking idiot. Actually understand English pretty well. And you also
pointed at me when you start point at you. Okay,
look outside that door there, huh. Sixty seventy other nations
ready to talk about d nuclearization, all right, and we
want to declare our dependence on them. And there's no
(12:32):
is that what's outside that door? Yes? Oh my god. Alright,
so we got guys. I have a suitcase full of
string and Pulley. I mean maybe we could. Why did
you see that earlier? Well, I was gonna I'm using
it this weekend for what are we doing with it?
Why did you understand what we could do with string
and pully? Oh? Come on, you've never seen We love
(12:54):
that movie in the region. Oh, we're gonna string up?
I say, yeah, we mock him up and then he
stands behind him and just speaks for him or in
his shirt. I think you'll need a woman to stand
behind him, standing behind him. That that's necessary. Every man,
I'll tell you what, there's a woman. That's impossible. That's
(13:16):
not impossible. There's more women there is men. So exactly
behind every man there's a woman, and then there's extra
woman's number doesn't make sense. You can't do man. He's right.
I'm looking through the blinds right now. There's sixty or
seventy countries out there. Polish Land is there, and Englandia, Australia.
Oh god, these are big guys. Deutsch is there. Oh
(13:37):
my god, this is a very big weekend. We can't
mess this up. Let's get these police strong and we'll
go out there and no one will know the difference.
Let's get out there, Let's get out there. This is
I vote for the dependence and everybody in the Franzia
so I had used the floor to Norwegia. That's a
representation everything. There's something that it's all the desire now
(14:05):
and we don't know you guys all. It looks like
a corpse. It looks dad. Make you wait for the keynade.
The residents have no Idia. Hello on the president of Norwegia.
And this is my famous parent. There's been a murder.
Don't listen to the parent. He's a classical liar in jokes.
(14:30):
Translate us and he went to translate what he say.
So today we'd like to declare a dependence on the
world Dependence Day. It's Dependence Day. So if you guys
wouldn't mind giving all of the power that you could
make from nuclear energy and helping Norwegia with it. Great,
you're sounding really good so far. I'm doing great. Stand
(14:52):
up a little bit straighter, okay, okay, looks like saying no,
it's shaking the smile more and don't have a control.
I don't have control with the smile of the corpse.
Make it smile parrot, I was talking to you. Smile more,
smile more. I'm trying to smile. Well, visit, vote for dependence.
(15:14):
I think we have a majority. So let us stand
and do the celebratory dance of dependence on hands one
for two for three foot Now, everyone pair off and
kiss zo nouegic guy doesn't know the steps is very clumsy. No,
(15:45):
it's it's another thing. This is just the normal dance
that we do in no region. It's a very slightly
different from the one that the world does. I don't know.
Peace and carrop and hey, parrot, noticed you didn't have
anyone to kiss at the end of the dance. Yeah,
I was just standing by myself. Yeah, I was just
(16:06):
standing behind the corpse. Um. Well, it's so weird to kiss.
I mean, is that what you were? I don't even
know what you do with the beak. Well I can,
I can nuzzle you nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle. Not bad at all.
You get some brandy for the woman and some seeds.
(16:26):
Thank you. Well, just a typical day here at the
Untied nations and that. Oh man, keep it real, keep
it real, keep it keep it real, keep it real.
(16:47):
All right? See two hello you Mary. Band of Outcasts,
my friends and I, all fans of the show, recently
had a weekend get together at Through excessive partying, the
most macho guy of the group ended up with the
new butterfly tattoo in the area known as the tramp Stamp.
None of us remember how it happened. I thought you
all could refresh our memories. Cheers, Sasha. Drink drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
(17:13):
All right, I'm drinking already. But you're the most macho
guy here. Yeah, crazy son of a bitch. I'm crazy crazy. Oh,
I got a bloody no. Who wants the mots realistics?
Yeah that's from the table. We want them. But you know,
(17:36):
Butch gets first stick. But I didn't even use my hand.
You're bad. I'm gonna bring another table in the house.
I mean another table. Here's the table. I'm not going
(18:01):
to getts. That's great. Oh guys, this is like the
best night of my life. I feel so drunk. You
really think so much? Then you should probably like get
something to remember tonight by like my driver's license. No,
you can't drive you're drunk. Commemorative coins, Yeah, let's get
(18:21):
commemorative We loose stuff all the time. I can't even
get a pair of Oakleys that I can't live on
the market for commemorative coins. Coin Daddy, were on a
little mine down the road, and if you all wanted
(18:42):
to come after done, let's take the table. We have
those sticks to go. Yeah, they're on the way to
So now we're gonna go into this little bramble thicket.
We're getting closer to the mind. This is going to
scratch your back up something. Yea, I brought a road
(19:05):
to you. Was a little shot nice. I'll take a shot,
a little sich, I'll take three. Anybody wanting molly uh
drinking this one? You're kidding me? Dhrip my ask, dude
popping in somehow we got some precious metals at the mine.
(19:27):
We got some ore and we can make Wait wait
a minute, how long is it take to make a
commemorative coin off of raw or Oh well, we got
a big pot. We boiled ore down. Man, we make
some other metals. You don't have a smelting pot. That's
gonna goat corn makers in your friendly Yeah. Wow, wow, bros,
(19:48):
it's a level forty five. I don't think we've got
coin time left in the night. Man, you're just talking
all turned around and leave and butch, Butch, what do
you want to do? You want to remember tonight forever?
I want to remember it forever and ever. Let's let's
have like an emotional bonding experience. Let's took extasy. Okay,
(20:11):
let's let's be blood brothers. Let's let's stab our hands
and y'all don't want to involved in this part we do. Man,
You're so fun. You're part of gets to keep hanging out,
part of it, part of it, part of it, part
part of it. I designed a commitmary of coin. By
the way, do you think you could do? Do it
off of this gorge cork? Thanks man on the back.
(20:37):
What does that flopian tubes thing? Yeah, plara, but represent
the Filippian tubes that of Bruce's mom. Oh dude, so
heavy man. First, my name is I know, Bruce's name
is Bird Certificate. My feelings and my fingers are hurt
(20:59):
little and I'm gonna make the corn up and I'll
send it to y'all get y'all. Let's just go. Let's
just go. Let's just get there already. Okay, we're here free.
How please? How many hot dogs will have to cook?
You don't have to go call down? They want coins,
they don't. I gotta feed somebody? How many hot You
didn't need to say it anybody, Mama? Just put out
the grape nuts. You're bringing people, your brain guests the house.
(21:21):
They're gonna have to eat. Okay, now't the grape nuts.
There's the grape nuts are all gone. I ate him
on the toilet. Mom, they're fucked up out of their minds.
Put that table right there. We'll do the beer pong
right here, so sick dude. Mom, just drag out the
smelting pot. Let's get I'm gonna drag it out after
I make them love it. Joey Chestnut over there, okay, dogs,
(21:50):
he's a raining champ of the Nathan's Hot Dogs. Anything.
I'm gonna have to make four d billions and say
say that phone bit. No, I think they're just stoking.
I don't think that's really I think it is having
to still these forties red solo cups with three fingers
each of Natty like of course that's a jolly chestnut.
Where you get all those fingers, I don't think you
(22:12):
understand word. Yeah, that looks like three fingers in each
of those cups. That's that's that's disgusting. They're chocolate fingers,
all right. They're not real fingers matter, because I don't
want no goddamn human fingers in my house. Y'all are
casts desert dessert, dessert, dessert, dessert, dessert. But you know what,
you're the best man, You're like that. I know it's
(22:34):
pretty great. You're right. Can I get another eat when
you stick in my But look, I think it takes
effects so much faster way you put it in your button,
much faster. But I want to see this right because
I don't know if the opportunity to say is again,
because I might get drafted. I think you yeah, but
(22:56):
I think you're the best. I think you sweet. And
if if anybody any sucking brone with you, I'd be
the first one here to fucking him up. I'd kill
him for you. Okay, I love you, dude. Will you
kill someone for me? You would kill someone for me?
Cocoon the grass, all right. I can't concentrate until you
wash your hands. That is really grossing me out. I
want to use some of these fingers are turn their ass?
(23:20):
What does that mean? It colar him only from a cocoon.
Can a beautiful butterfly emerge? That's rightmorphosis metamorphous, metamorphous metamorphosis.
I got hot dog? Hot Who that was Joey Chestnut?
(23:47):
I know it? Mom? Why don't you like a move? Okay? Hi,
Mr Joey Chestnut? Hey, what's going on? I was wondering
if you wanted to, uh come to my bedroom and
have text with me? What it's all right? I'm an adult,
I'm single. Are you single? Jolley? Look I'm not currently attached?
You know? Well what you just come over in my
(24:09):
in my bedroom in the weekend? Just Joey, you messed
up though. Man, you had a hot dog with butch
didn't have any ships, just lots of dirt of the hour. Well,
I know I know where we can get more food.
If that's where it is. Do you want you want
someone to eat? I'm starving? Well you know what, wolf, everyone,
(24:29):
We're gonna everyone, stay, come, stay, come. It's a dog man.
Everyone's This has been happening to me since I was
twelve years old. Hold on a stick. Now. The only
thing to get rid of a dog man is we
got a brand, our styles, okay, with some kind of ink.
Do you understand? He face how shaves back transformation transformation, transformation, transformation,
(24:59):
I which look me in the eye, man, look me
the eyes. Joey Joey chestnut. Yeah, it's cool, bro, it's cool.
It's cool. You ate this, lady, but it's cool. All Right.
(25:22):
We're out here. We're out here celebrating brom Okay, We're
gonna play some beer poem. We're gonna eat some chocolate fingers.
We're gonna have some hot dogs. Okay, all right, Just
maybe we should put this on the back of the coin,
you know, on the coin it's too light already kind
(25:45):
of got sold on your first Sunday were two coins
to Oh my god, we're starting a collectible series, you guys.
Holy ship. All fifty states, all of fIF he stays
at how cool bunches bo Nothing to do with the
(26:07):
National Mint. Okay, it's not a fifty steak thing. What
do you mean when we came to like an underground
minting facility, TAKS was the National Mint? Okay? I mean
that is Joey sponsor? To be honest, I'm not a mint.
I'm just like you know specific currently. You couldn't tell
(26:30):
when we walked through the bramble to the mine into
the earth, couldn't. Man, I don't know what government funding goes.
Are you telling me this is not a sanction mint?
It's not a mount like us? You got? I don't
like that. But I'm not even done with that handling. Handling.
(26:52):
But I'll stop, I'll stop. I'll kick you. I'll kick you.
Take before the next boarding. Oh my shoulders like ship.
Oh my clothes are all ripped and pieces on the floor. Yeah,
you turned into a man dog. I mean that's a
(27:13):
pretty normal foothole, so loose. But that was not my
phone ship? Man? What's that small in your back? What's
that in your traps? Oh? My god? No, you got?
You got? I did? What the fuck is that you got?
(27:36):
What is that? It looks like a hot dog? A
hot dog? Wait? Is that really hot? That's just really
a hot dog? Undea, hot dog is a hot dog.
So I got a hot dog? On got a tramp
stamp of a hot dog underneath actual hot dog. That happens, guys,
(28:00):
Remember it I don't remember it either. We should got
all these counterfeit coins. We have these counterfeit coins to
remember it by. Hey man, I don't like anything that's
not meanted by the US government. And it's freaking me out.
Holy ship, there's a hand. There's a hand here, and
and there's a head. Who there's a head. It's in
the back of one of these coins to look at.
There's fifty different bags. Look at this woman's head. Yeah,
(28:23):
looking at the back of this coin too. It's like
the likeness is amazing. Yeah, yess you guys, there's a
woman's head here. Are you serious? Are you sure it's
not just made out of chocolate? Taste? Taste it taste,
that's a human heads your hundred stop head, stop eating chocolate?
(28:51):
What I miss? Whoa buddy, what are you doing? Eat
my mom's head? You know her? That was my mom
did Who you y'all kidding me? What the fuck? We
had kind of a wild night. It was crazy. Well,
I don't know where to start. We'll start from here.
(29:12):
Beginning was well, I was here in the mine, I
was in mine. Baby born in the shaft, from a shaft,
and then from a shaft. I think you're talking about
the Philopian tubes. Bro, Holy shit, what, oh my god,
what dude, where this table comes from. This looks like
(29:33):
a restaurant table. It looks like it's slacky. Oh my god, slaggy.
Oh god, we got fucked up last night. We stole
a table. Also gave you the table and then your
fall beings with the bram ball and then dog, I
never remember anything the next day after I turned into
a wolf. I never remember. My butt feels weird. I
(29:56):
think it's because you were like putting fistfuls of Ecsta senior,
just bro, just like you always do this. It's in
the back of this Oklahoma coin. Look at that you're
shoving them up there, man' that's wild. Man. These are
like real, like national mint level coins. No, no, no, no,
I got no affiliation the national Man, what do you
mean you got affiliation? This is a private, just talk
(30:19):
commemorative coin cave. Oh look at it the back of
the of the Oregon when you're denying its authenticity. Don't
get it twisted. You don't try to spend these. These
are for a slaving Wait a second, all these coins
tell the story of our night. Wait a minute, but
Utah looks like the future. You're killing all of us
in this coin. That's the that is your coin. But
(30:44):
we're still alive, so that couldn't have come to past.
This is a real future, only a possible future. Show
we relax. This is one of two possible fittures. They're
gonna have to find Wyoming to find the other one.
Find Wyoming. That's right here? How do you find that?
So fast it fell out of his butt? How long
I was gonna stay there for a minute? Wait a second.
On the other side of this, we're all holding hands
(31:06):
and singing the song like ye hear the singing, but
I like that, you know, That's what I was trying
to get up, Like all of our faces faces looking
up in the air. It's going to be saying, we'll
actually holding hand singing looking up at the UFO sing
There's a third coin that has each of those scenarios
on each side and says flip me okay, wait, three
(31:30):
scenarios on a two side of each of those scenarios,
it's the flip it flip flip flip flip it there
it is really good. Flipp Are you guys? Wait? Is
(31:57):
going down that great into the door and they never
learned their face umber real bummer C three Dear Alchemy this.
I recently became a fan and I had to drive
to l A from Taos, New Mexico, and back again.
(32:18):
Your podcast is what got me through a tedious road trip.
You guys are hilarious and I have been recommending your
show to everyone I know. Here's my idea. A truck
driver can see everything that people are doing in their
cars as they pass by everything. I hope you choose
my idea. Alice Zorthian Alright, are you radio junkies listening
(32:40):
on the radio because you're driving new truck and you
just cruising? Uh, listen to these smooth tunes and hang
out as well as you're driving, because if there's one
thing that makes a drive even easier, just keep it simple.
Song Here we are, we got the roses are are wider,
but the arrowhead the roses roses. That's pretty sweet. Thanks
(33:08):
for picking me up on the side of the road.
I really big deal, hop on in in. I just
needed a ride. Thanks. Alight, where are you headed? Um?
You know I'm headed to my future. Where I'm going
to That's where I'm going to, not your future mom future,
Well kind of we're like connected now, so who knows?
(33:31):
That's moving quick as thought. No, I just meant like, okay, fine,
don't worry. I'm not I'm not a weird. I'm not
going to kill you. I wouldn't be afraid to you
killing me. You freak me killing you, that's hilarious. I
could kick the ship out of here, I can I
can you fall asleep in this cabin? I just slice
opened up. I would I fall asleep with one eye
(33:54):
opened to me too when I'm driving. And then you
did anyway, and you know, just don't don't accept any
of my water anything because there's and I don't drink
anything that's not at least alcohol. Great. Well, now that
we both know that we could kill each other, let's
enjoy ourselves. Moon Dog second, moon Dog right on here.
This is picture perfect weekend calling, how are you doing?
(34:16):
Doing good? Bringing my freight frighten it up to fre Fresnel.
Got my checkpoints in for Roger that I just want
to let you know I heard something over the wire there.
It's a great new song. The roses are wider, but
in addition to that, the charming stranglers on the loose again.
Don't worry about me. I'm totally safe on this stuff.
(34:38):
Roger that you have a description of what they look like. Honestly,
I got so involved in the new song. I just
heard the name and moved on. Makes sense to me,
all right, over and out over Now, that's crazy. So
you can just talk to anybody on the radio, that's right,
that's why you want to try? Sure? Yeah, why not?
Just he'll go ahead and we'll go into this band
(34:59):
with here. You press it in and you can request
any of these call signs here. These are all my buddies.
Ahead and call them and they'll feel a pick up. Okay, Um, Hi,
this is Rebecca. Um, what's up? Who's there? This is moondog.
This is supposed to be an official channel. What you're doing?
I'm just calling to say hi, I'm here? Is that Rebecca? Yeah, Stefanie,
(35:22):
it's definitely my god, what are you doing? I'm totally
just like hitchhiking. Me too, weird. I'm trying to find
my future me too. Listen, this is an official channel.
We really shouldn't be talking like this. Okay, Well, just
know that I'm I'm like hitchhiking. So if I go missing.
You know that moondog is in trouble, and I'm I'm
(35:43):
here with picture and picture picture perfect weekend and uh
so just let me you know that I'm I'm here.
You're here, Okay, great, you're there? Right? That's crazy? Is
it crazy? When? What's this music? Sure? Um? The rules?
What guests? Seven up? Cup? I can pan? Okay, look
(36:04):
I missed the exit all right? Oh yeah you did.
Because you can't do two things at once, Dan, You
can't even do one thing at once, Julianne, I'm going
to take the next exit. I'm gonna double back. Okay,
can you pass me the ox CHRD? What can you
ask me? I want to play music? Oh jeesus, we're
gonna listen in silence for a while. We're all going
(36:24):
to listen to the same music. Now more headphones. I'm
gonna throw your headphones out the windows. The silence or music?
What are we listening to? You? Well know your mother's
going to pick a song. Okay, father is going to
try to undo that Clusterfuck. Just let me know when
the exit. Next exit is coming to you gotta navigate,
You got to navigate for the Oh what else can
I do? I'm ton I'm on. This is don't sing along,
(36:51):
just listen. What then is this Natalie and BRUI you're wrong,
you don't know anything. Put your hat out the window
like a dog. I hate this song. I think that
(37:15):
they just threw some trash out their window. I don't
know what the but that's Moondog's pet Peeves, sweetheart, We're
gonna have to We're gonna to teach these drivers a lessons.
You could just pick it up, pick it up freeway exactly.
Just why is that truck flashing its break glides at us.
It's it's tapping the brakes. Why is it not tapping
the brakes? Do something? It's gonna get you off the road.
(37:38):
You can't pay attention. You have to be you have
to be aggressive to this kind of drug. Okay, in
the lane then, yeah, he's following us. Oh my god.
Wait wait, the kid fell out of the car. I
think we really should stop for that kid. The kid
just fell out of I hate to let these people
(37:59):
get away with this. Okay, we will so exciting. This
is my future. This is not normal. This is not
This is a little more exciting than most truck. Okay,
here we are all right, you want to get out
and get that kid? Kid? Kid? Are you okay? You
(38:20):
have to turn around. I can't. No, you have to
turn around. Our son is back there. Okay. I didn't notice.
I didn't notice that he felled out to file an extension. Okay,
So I have a room for three people. It seems
only two are there is someone joining you later on?
We don't have to tell you that. We don't have to.
We we have a room, right, Yes, what is the
(38:43):
head count matter? Okay? I just have a reservation here
for two old one children child children. It's a quality
in all right. Does it really matter how many of
the two of us in the room. Oh, we just
have a small I can't read that. Taekwondo, taikewe does
your name interesting? My parents were very big into martial arts. Great.
(39:06):
You don't need to know if we have a children
joining us, Okay, I just want to know if a
child would be entering to Europe. Why do you need
to know that just at the beginning of the key
at the door or leave a key? Yes, yeah, you
take it, you take it, you take it, Julia obviously, Taekwondo,
sorry interrupted, we need more ice and sweet one from
(39:27):
Missing Brouglia. Yeah, wait, Missing buglea. Yeah, I'm not supposed
to say it's Natalie from Torn Silent from is the
G silent? Or do you say the g? Uh? Honestly,
she said she always has dealer's choice. So yeah, so
she's staying at this quality in. Yeah, it's a quality
in and she's getting ice delivered to her room. Yeah.
(39:50):
I've always had to run down to the ice machine
stairway the second floor. No, no, no anymore for Netalie Nellie,
it's it's whatever she wants. I don't think alright, kids,
So this is how a lot of people get into
truck driving. You're gonna be fine, be fine, Just relax.
This is exciting. It's an adventure, you know. Here, I'm
(40:10):
gonna turn on some music for you. Make you feel better,
you know. When that we're driving on the road, the
one thing that we want to do is we want
to think about where we're going next. And that's why
music is so important. How don't want a way? This
is good over over over picture for we can come
(40:33):
and please, okay in in house to picture perfect this
moondog go ahead. Prior to that, I just want to
give your heads up that they're evidently I heard something
on the HP thing that there are kids dropping all
over the freeway, all over the freeway, or just one.
I heard all over the freeway, and then that wonderful
song of the roses are wide. I came out and
I just pace the rest out. That makes sense? Anything
(40:54):
strange happening to you today? I heard you picked up somebody?
I picked up somebody. Aren't you hang up that call? Well, Rebecca,
I guess I gotta go moon dog? Yeah? Yeah, are
you sure everything's okay? Hang up the call? How are you, Rebecca?
Are you okay over there? Yeah? I'm fine? Okay, good? Good.
(41:14):
She's very charming, so she'll be fine. Something seems up weird.
Was hanging on call? All right, Look, Julianne, just get
off my back. Okay, our son is a ball on
the highway. He'll find us, okay it. Oh my god,
she's practicing. Didn't request the room, not next to Natalie
(41:37):
and BRUI I put in a request, trump, dear request,
but changed. Oh my god. I thought she was Australian.
When you're solving, it's hard to tell. All accents are neutralized.
Should we go over there? I mean, I don't want
(41:59):
to be a star fluck. I'm not trying to do that.
I don't like that song anyway, Like I made that clear.
How about we split up? You go find our son,
I'll helpless and Brulia Okay, that's only fair. Thank you?
Are you on the least pardon me? Are you on
the least to say if I was un the least?
Are you on the least to say that's not a
(42:21):
real accent? Mean it's not real. I'm gonna easing it
is and I that sounds not real. Its missing. Bruli
will be happy to see me, I'm sure. Are you
only least tell me? Lie? He used to nice? Is
there are remember what understood there? I can get more
(42:46):
of that if you want. Yeah? Sorry, does anybody know
which for the vending machina? Mr said Fred is really
snacky right now? Seeking floor? My thank you, Thank you, Natalie.
I'm a huge fan and I couldn't help it over
hear you sobbing in the bathroom, and I just wanted
(43:07):
to let you know that you don't need another hit
because what you've done is more than enough. Illusion never
changed into something real. I needed this. Excuse me, you
don't know where the ice machine is? What holy ship
(43:28):
you're Paul Cole. I didn't want to wait for a
Nickers boss. I'm looking for myself. I'm just trying to
get some ice. I'm trying to find possibly the corpse
of my son on the highway, so uh, in case
he's still alive, I wanted ice down any wounds that
he had. Talk about an icebreaker. Huh. Wow, Policle is
(43:50):
just as funny and charming as I hope she would be.
You know, it's been so long that somebody actually talked
to me, you know, usually just whispering point like where
have I look at? Boy's gone? And they leave me alone.
You know, it's just nice to finally talk to somebody,
to connect him. So what are the odds that you Nandon,
Brullian and Wright said, Fred would all be at this
quality in in the middle of nowhere. Well to together. Yeah,
(44:13):
it's this big package nineties tour things. Each one of
us gets to play one and a half songs. That
seems about right. There's fifty three artists on it and
the show is three hours. Wow wow, Well we're lucky
to get a room. I don't know where. Then these
people are Okay, we gotta show them about twenty minutes.
We got no artists. We've got merriedth Brooks. Brooks, We've
got her, she's here. She could go on right now. No,
(44:36):
I'm a bitch. I'm's got five I swear to god minutes.
That's five minutes of torture. I'm not doing that. Okay,
these people paying, all right, I was thinking of playing bitch.
Good choice, that's what. Look, we got to cancel the night. Okay,
you gotta go down to the quality and see what
the fun is going on me. Okay, all right, call
(45:00):
down to take the truck. Oh, thank you. Yeah, just
get the funk out of you go. Huh. All right, Well,
we gotta get this. We gotta get this equipment for
the next show. So I want you guys to hold
down this rig and I'm going to be emptying out
these amplifiers and speakers. And it's pretty cool. I'm pretty cool.
(45:20):
The next step away from being what you're doing. But
it shows in about a couple of minutes. You're so
fucking late. It's just some speakers. Hold on, there's hurry up,
hurt kid here helping us. He's helping you out like
his parents threw him out of the moving cars. Let's go,
(45:41):
let's go. Excuse me, a taekwondo. I I'm from the
nineties musical festival, Music Festival, Cheese. I'm so um. I
was wondering where our artists are. Um, Paul cole right,
said fred Um. Um, I don't know. It's on my
T shirt. It's yeah, that's that's all I can. Sorry
(46:03):
to interrupt, I over heard. You got a concert going on.
I'm the lead singer of the Arrowhead. You have a
hit right now on the radio with every road it
was this wider. Yeah. We were supposed to play down
at the Milky Way Amphitheater and tallahass but we read
low on fuel and well we just want to play.
It's amazing. I love your song. Why do you have
(46:25):
an opinion in this, I'm a human being. Fair enough.
Well you just ran into the right lady. I'm wrangling
talent and um I'd love to take you back in
the truck. Um. Okay, so just calm down. Everyone can down.
We had a going out. We got we got some
some music coming ball. They'll be coming on a second.
(46:48):
Just we have a great act for you to just here.
They're almost here, I miss Lila Fair. God damn it,
what they Where the hell were you? What do you mean?
Where was I? I had to drive to the hotel.
Holy shit, is that arrowhead? It's one of them, from
just the lead singer, well the rest of the boys.
They're following there on horseback with their gears. Oh my god, sir,
thank you for coming. Now. Can I give you something
(47:09):
to drink or something to eat or something to put
under your eyes? I'll take some cucumbers and some tears. Yeah,
you got it. Um, would you mind playing the festival?
We're here. We're not from the nineties, but moon Dog,
this is Kuala Bear. Come in, Come in, Moondog here, Hey, Moondog.
I got worried that there's, uh, there's a current band
(47:30):
all on horseback that that might need a lift. You
are the trucker with the extra sensory powers, which you
haven't used. Because you go you are able to see
into every car. Happened to have an overhead view of
all of them and use that extra sensory So that
just means you've got a goodvantage point from your truck,
(47:52):
the super extra sensory. But you don't think that's a superpower.
I wouldn't consider it so, but well, come on, Quali bear,
hang up, Who's who's up? You know you're not supposed
to have people there? All right, all right, I want
somebody to tie this bandana around the back of my head. Extra.
I don't like to use it for my own pleasure,
(48:13):
but I need to have this bana around my head. Kid,
I told you our lives are super exciting. I'm gonna
write a book about this. Call it. I'm gonna call
it nothing. They are there, yeah, yeah, what? No? I
have ice? I have ice from my son. I'm so sorry.
I'm picking up. I'm not picking you up on my
(48:35):
extra sensory. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I need I want
to treat my son's injuries. Where is your son? He's
there in your truck. This kid here, I can see
right through the wall. All right, we'll hold on. Let
me open the back door. Dogging, go in, moon dogging?
Is that you pickure? Perfect? Turned out? Here? Rebecca to
(48:58):
the German strangler? Oh my god, of course she is.
It makes so much sense. She has giant hands and
she's so charming. Oh that's a bumber. Picture perfect. Try
to stop her from killing you. You can't do what
I'm going fast. Just be sure to get there. Going
to play that song at my funeral? I will, I will. Okay,
(49:18):
get this kid out in the back. I need to
get this is perfect. Okay, I'm just gonna open up
the back of the truck. You can take him out
of the cab. Excuse me, we're trying to get to
the gig. Oh my god, I play. Oh my god,
I thought how that? Oh I didn't realize. How about you, guys,
(49:44):
Just I'm gonna put the ramp down in the back.
Just bring your horses on into the booty ring. Okay, Hey,
you know what, he's probably too dangerous to move out
of the cab in the car. Why don't you hop
in with your son and fix him up on the way.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I threw you
out the car. It's probably the most exciting thing that
will ever happen to him. I just feel like our
(50:04):
relationship is torn forever. Ladies and gentlemen, we all the arrow.
My boys just got here on horseback. What you don't
know is it's a supergroup made up of solo artists
from the Night on the Base. Oh MC how is that?
How is that on hype? Lou baga? That's it. We're
(50:30):
just a trio tonight, beg she wants to play with you, Meredith?
You want to hop on in? Yes? And I think
we all know big hit song Wait any room for
Sugaray Sgaray? Yeah, Mark McGrath, everybody play alone. In fact,
if you're already bad, just pick up an instrument. You'll
(50:51):
win it. You know the song? Okay, you can't play, however,
I forgot when words to bitch? You're such a count everybody,
let's just playing that song. Every road was is wider?
You know how it goes? Follow me on the two,
three and a four? This is going? How does that?
(51:18):
Every road wider or wider? So this is what it's
like to be a truck driver. Are you sure you
want this future for yourself? I am ready to take
the reins and keys of your truck. What do you mean? Oh?
(51:40):
I thought you were I thought you were saying you
were going to give me, give you my Do you
have any idea how much a rig cost? You think?
What did you mean when you opened up this whole conversation.
I thought you were just going to start being my
my basically my road. Okay. So like, because I'm a woman,
I can't like drive a truck. Okay, So like all
of a sudden, you're like, I had to work my
(52:02):
way to own in this root. Well, I see that
woman underneath your shirt that's been driving this whole time.
Thank you for noticing. Okay, okay, okay. I passed the
road test for him. I got into B class five
and you probably have the extrasensory powers. I can see
the road. That's why I can drive under his shirt. Alright.
(52:22):
I also passed a realtor test for him, and he's
never used the damn license. Oh God, turned out you
couldn't sell mobile homes as a realtor as well. As
I saw a tent four. Tent four, that's my Norwegia parrot.
My Norwegian parrot picked him up at a side of
(52:44):
the road. And that's our show for today, The Perfect
Let's let's all plug what we gotta plug. Carla Kakowski
Orange Tuxedo Improv dot Com will give you all the
show dates for the two person improv show that Craig
(53:05):
and I do. Guys, Vanessa Raglan, check out Dynasty Typewriter
Dynasty tagwriter dot com. We're Dynasty Typewriter on Instagram. What
does the name mean? Craig Katkowski at Kikowski on Twitter.
Also at craigslist peacast for the We're getting down to
the top ten, uh movies on my on my list. Well,
(53:29):
we're getting there. We're getting there. Sound like you enjoy it.
James Heney, just go to the real Jeames Heeney dot
com and then you can find your path there. Oh
it's Joey Greer Bear Supply every second and fourth Wednesday
at nine o'clock at Westside Comedy and Pretty Pretty Pony
every first Thursday at ten o'clock at west Side Comedy.
(53:50):
There it is. I'm Cole Stratton double down on that
Pretty Pretty Pony at Cool Stratton at Cole at Stratton Cold,
depending on the service you can find me online. There.
Let's take our here Doug Babe, our post sound design artist,
Raphael Brito, our producer Sophie Lichtmane, and lastly, I heart
media Bump Bump. We finally have something acroach all of
(54:17):
you to write a review, tell everyone you've ever met,
and write to us with your scene suggestions and whatever else.
At your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com. See you later,
and as always, w beverer than
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This packing a
bindle and hopping on this runaway train is me. Cole Stratton.
Kevin Pollock is busy shooting the prequel to Buffalo sixty
six Buffalo sixty five. Let's go ahead and meet today's alchemists.
First up, she's the only one who knows where Hidden
Valley Ranch really is. Vanessa raglan Vie, what's your go
(00:23):
to sally dressing? Oh? No dressing me. Usually it's upsetting
or olive oil and then just salt and pepper. I
want to taste the veedge. I'm so glad I asked
that randomly weird question. Absolutely insane. All right, he's so unbelievable.
(00:45):
E m F wrote a song about him, Craig Craig,
What's your guilty Pleasure? Nineties song? Um? I like, uh?
Was this the nineties? Legend of a cow Girl by
Amanti Coppola might have been, what a pleasure? I don't
feel that guilty about it, Torn Nat something we all know.
(01:11):
Taste the veg just trying to get that hashtag. Next up,
she'll swim like five minutes after eating, and she don't
give a fuck. It's Carla Carla, what little life rebellion
do you like doing? Um? You know, I will skip
floss things, take that teeth. But we have one schedule
(01:38):
at six o'clock today and I can't get out of it.
He's the master of every accent except one. James, he
needs keen Wolf. What one accent? Can you just not
wrap your head around? I have a hard time doing
anything from um Norwegian. It's on funny. I struggle, so
(02:04):
we all call it every day. And finally he's only
freed to podcasts when he isn't throwing chairs in the
amateur wrestling ring. Joey Greer, Joey, what nickname do you
wrestle under? Uh? The stinkler checks out? Definitely checks out.
All right, let's get to our first scene. All of
(02:26):
today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If
you liked some ears, can I give one shout out
my nephew. I'm ruining him. He listens to the podcast
and he loves it so much. Shot follows everybody on Instagram.
But just to shout out to Tom Sketsey because he's
the best and he's so can get in trouble from
(02:49):
your family? My sister hasn't listened to the show, and
my family never listened to anything I've done, so he's
the only one who knows who I am stupid, the
one about a dog with thumbs. I think all of
our today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
(03:10):
If you'd like to submit years, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Here's
our first scene suggestion for the day. Hey guys, huge
fan of the show. Been listening since the very first episode.
You make my long bike ride to school fly by,
and I sometimes almost crashed because I'm crying laughing. Here
(03:30):
here's the premise. A world leader is on a diplomatic
visit to another country. When the leader suddenly dies, information
security would not be an issue if it weren't for
the fact that the leader's pet parrot, who accompanied them
to every meeting meal conference, was captured by the intelligence
service of the foreign country. The agents attempt to get
as much information from the parrot before anyone notices it's gone.
(03:51):
Thanks for all the last stephen S from Texas PS layoff, James.
He's got it hard enough as it is, and here's
the president of Norwegia. Say something president like a you
can Oh my god, I think he died. I didn't
(04:16):
you kill him? No, I didn't kill him. I just
presented you the president. We just couldn't understand his thick
Norwegia accent. No, no, no, I think he's dead. I
think I think he was choking the hold you must
have killed? Are you holding onto his neck? Well? Yes,
but I thought that was just a form of hello.
I didn't. I didn't know that. Okay, God, damn it.
Did you saw anything? I forget I saw anything. Okay,
(04:40):
you know what. I understand him, his thick Norwegian accent.
I'll be him. I'll be the I'll be the president
of Norwegia. What I'll just I'll wear his skin, you'll
wear his skin. I'll cut his skin. You're panicking, you're
not thinking Norwegia. Holy Holy, I'm sorry. I couldn't help.
(05:03):
But no, just that the dietyhould probably be the next Wait,
why are we finding the successor before we deal with
the death. We don't find the successor. That's not our job.
Is pretty big booment for me. We get a translator,
We need a translator. I can trans translate. I can translate. Okay,
he just wanted to wear human skin. We can't trust
(05:25):
freaking out Claire. Relax, Okay, relax, okay, cool, Mr Vice
President say that again. We're going to translate. You don't
have to shout at me. I can understand English very well.
What he's saying. Now, what's he's saying? You can understand
this very well. He is I am now the president.
He is now the resident? Is the president? So president?
(05:48):
He's president? Yes, of I am the new leader of Norwegia. Okay,
he's the new leader of Norwegia. No such thing as Norwegia.
How are we? Jeff, I can't understand the parent. I
gotta translator. Parrot in the other room. I'm gonna get it.
So I do think that's a good idea to cut
(06:10):
the skin in there? Okay, okay, So he agrees with me.
He agrees with cutting the skin and wearing it, and
wear it. The last thing we want to do is
make people think that we don't have a real good,
strong leadership. But wait, I didn't understand that. He wants
to make sure that that I'm the leader. No, no, no, no,
I'm lead, but you're going to wear the skin, and
(06:30):
you'll take the orders from me. Why are we wearing skin?
All right? I'm the translator, parrot, so I can translate
to the parrot that with that parent of a lot
of attitude. I don't know if I like that. I
am ready to translate. Judging the parrot, she's professional. I'm
doing my job. Well, she's enunciating too much. No, if
(06:52):
a man part was doing this, you'd love the fucking thing.
I don't know if that's true. She's absolutely true. You
don't like this professional parrot because it's a female. You know,
maybe the parent wasn't wearing pants. You know, maybe if
you didn't say that you wanted to wear a man's skin.
Where a skin? He said, Where is his skin? It's
on the body, the body, okay, rector, he said, where
(07:15):
his skin? Not where he is? What did he Okay,
he's saying where the skin? I can understand him. I
can understand. I'm a translator. Part. I'm a translator, he said,
I'm a translator. That's he was talking about me. I
am the translator. Are you a parent, parrot or you something?
What else is going on with your Parrot and Norwegia
(07:38):
born to you with the academy it was, and I
only get paid sixty sixty cents on the dollar of
my of my counterpart. Honey, I'm in the same boat.
And look at these idiots. It's a really beautiful heritage. Though.
By the way, thank you. Can we focus on the
problem here? There's a dead Norwegian? Why don't we just
(07:59):
for Weren't the death the big weekend? And what weekend
is it? You do understand it's the week wa second, Claire,
do you understand him or not? Do you speak Norwegian?
Do you speak Norwegia or Norwegian? I actually speak both.
Oh yeah, we are qualified than I am. No, don't
(08:22):
say that. It's true. You were doing more than what
you need to do. Okay, Well I got your back, girl,
I got your back girl, your back girl. Now, he
was just making fun of us. I understood, you understood. Look,
I was trying to hide that credential because, as you know,
I get judged if I underperformed. I get judged if
I overperformed, because you don't perform perform every day. I
performed for years with you, James. I can't stress this enough.
(08:46):
I was tired. Were you tired? Tired? For three years?
I was tired. You know. I passed the detective exam
for him. That sounds illegal. You took the test for him. Okay,
we don't need Okay, cils down, everyone, pencils down, Claire,
What what I want to want to get up? To leave?
(09:07):
You're gonna have to stay under my shirt? Okay, what
you look? No one can know you're here. Okay, Okay,
now I'm heading out Part two of the detective exam.
Thank you, okay, and pencils up. Okay, stick your arms
through my shirt. You're gonna have to read the questions.
I can't see. I can't read the questions. Okay, okay, okay,
put your arms in my shirt. Okay, okay, all right, Okay,
(09:29):
you're gonna have to You're gonna have to collect the
tests afterwards, okay, okay, all right. I'm gonna stay here
under your shirt to help you out there. Okay, thank
you so much. I don't know how to proctor a test, obviously,
but don't worry. I'm here, Okay, Okay, I know exactly
what I'm doing. Alright. Part three of your exam, Shooting accuracy.
Here's a here's your gun. There, we'll put the target back.
Thank you. I just have something in my chest. It's fine, Claire,
(09:52):
cla Claire. I can't give you eye goggles or ear muffs. Okay,
what you're gonna have to do? This? Can do this?
Point guns up, guys, guns up, Okay, put your arms
through my sleeve and fire. Oh we're bad. Oh my god,
(10:15):
kill you. Shut you shut. I'm not a proctor, but
it sounds like you passed with flying color scholars. I did.
I did, Claire. It doesn't count as you passing just
because I was under your shirt. My name is on
the certificate, which means I passed. We need to take
(10:39):
ourselves very seriously right now. We need to take ourselves
very seriously right now. It's a big weekend for Norwegia.
If they that our president is dead, then we might
we might not have a successful dependent weekend. That wasn't clear.
We have this, cla Isla. They're declaring their dependence depend
(11:00):
nor we just declaring their inpend So it's an independence independence. Wait,
you're declaring your dependence. Who are you dependent on Norwegia?
Wait you are Norwegia. No, we are, we are I'm sorry.
Lost inlation day, dependence dependence day, we have a dead
Norwegia president and I don't that is one. That is
(11:27):
one Hello, who can do his voice? I have the
closest thing to his accident. I don't know how to
enter the thing. I don't want to Hell, it's still right.
What do you mean you know how to enter it?
It's a fingerprint? There we go, Hello, Hello, NCYS is
a very suprisdent of Norwegia's something I can help you with.
(11:49):
And I'm calling the president of Norwegian He's a easy
right now? Do you want to call back later? Thank you?
What is he saying? What is he saying? It seemed
like it was a personal call. And he's gonna call Bickly.
It seemed like it was a personal call. He was
gonna call back later. Shut up, do shut up? No,
I got one job here, Okay to translate for this
(12:11):
fucking idiot. Actually understand English pretty well. And you also
pointed at me when you start point at you. Okay,
look outside that door there, huh. Sixty seventy other nations
ready to talk about d nuclearization, all right, and we
want to declare our dependence on them. And there's no
(12:32):
is that what's outside that door? Yes? Oh my god. Alright,
so we got guys. I have a suitcase full of
string and Pulley. I mean maybe we could. Why did
you see that earlier? Well, I was gonna I'm using
it this weekend for what are we doing with it?
Why did you understand what we could do with string
and pully? Oh? Come on, you've never seen We love
(12:54):
that movie in the region. Oh, we're gonna string up?
I say, yeah, we mock him up and then he
stands behind him and just speaks for him or in
his shirt. I think you'll need a woman to stand
behind him, standing behind him. That that's necessary. Every man,
I'll tell you what, there's a woman. That's impossible. That's
(13:16):
not impossible. There's more women there is men. So exactly
behind every man there's a woman, and then there's extra
woman's number doesn't make sense. You can't do man. He's right.
I'm looking through the blinds right now. There's sixty or
seventy countries out there. Polish Land is there, and Englandia, Australia.
Oh god, these are big guys. Deutsch is there. Oh
(13:37):
my god, this is a very big weekend. We can't
mess this up. Let's get these police strong and we'll
go out there and no one will know the difference.
Let's get out there, Let's get out there. This is
I vote for the dependence and everybody in the Franzia
so I had used the floor to Norwegia. That's a
representation everything. There's something that it's all the desire now
(14:05):
and we don't know you guys all. It looks like
a corpse. It looks dad. Make you wait for the keynade.
The residents have no Idia. Hello on the president of Norwegia.
And this is my famous parent. There's been a murder.
Don't listen to the parent. He's a classical liar in jokes.
(14:30):
Translate us and he went to translate what he say.
So today we'd like to declare a dependence on the
world Dependence Day. It's Dependence Day. So if you guys
wouldn't mind giving all of the power that you could
make from nuclear energy and helping Norwegia with it. Great,
you're sounding really good so far. I'm doing great. Stand
(14:52):
up a little bit straighter, okay, okay, looks like saying no,
it's shaking the smile more and don't have a control.
I don't have control with the smile of the corpse.
Make it smile parrot, I was talking to you. Smile more,
smile more. I'm trying to smile. Well, visit, vote for dependence.
(15:14):
I think we have a majority. So let us stand
and do the celebratory dance of dependence on hands one
for two for three foot Now, everyone pair off and
kiss zo nouegic guy doesn't know the steps is very clumsy. No,
(15:45):
it's it's another thing. This is just the normal dance
that we do in no region. It's a very slightly
different from the one that the world does. I don't know.
Peace and carrop and hey, parrot, noticed you didn't have
anyone to kiss at the end of the dance. Yeah,
I was just standing by myself. Yeah, I was just
(16:06):
standing behind the corpse. Um. Well, it's so weird to kiss.
I mean, is that what you were? I don't even
know what you do with the beak. Well I can,
I can nuzzle you nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle. Not bad at all.
You get some brandy for the woman and some seeds.
(16:26):
Thank you. Well, just a typical day here at the
Untied nations and that. Oh man, keep it real, keep
it real, keep it keep it real, keep it real.
(16:47):
All right? See two hello you Mary. Band of Outcasts,
my friends and I, all fans of the show, recently
had a weekend get together at Through excessive partying, the
most macho guy of the group ended up with the
new butterfly tattoo in the area known as the tramp Stamp.
None of us remember how it happened. I thought you
all could refresh our memories. Cheers, Sasha. Drink drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
(17:13):
All right, I'm drinking already. But you're the most macho
guy here. Yeah, crazy son of a bitch. I'm crazy crazy. Oh,
I got a bloody no. Who wants the mots realistics?
Yeah that's from the table. We want them. But you know,
(17:36):
Butch gets first stick. But I didn't even use my hand.
You're bad. I'm gonna bring another table in the house.
I mean another table. Here's the table. I'm not going
(18:01):
to getts. That's great. Oh guys, this is like the
best night of my life. I feel so drunk. You
really think so much? Then you should probably like get
something to remember tonight by like my driver's license. No,
you can't drive you're drunk. Commemorative coins, Yeah, let's get
(18:21):
commemorative We loose stuff all the time. I can't even
get a pair of Oakleys that I can't live on
the market for commemorative coins. Coin Daddy, were on a
little mine down the road, and if you all wanted
(18:42):
to come after done, let's take the table. We have
those sticks to go. Yeah, they're on the way to
So now we're gonna go into this little bramble thicket.
We're getting closer to the mind. This is going to
scratch your back up something. Yea, I brought a road
(19:05):
to you. Was a little shot nice. I'll take a shot,
a little sich, I'll take three. Anybody wanting molly uh
drinking this one? You're kidding me? Dhrip my ask, dude
popping in somehow we got some precious metals at the mine.
(19:27):
We got some ore and we can make Wait wait
a minute, how long is it take to make a
commemorative coin off of raw or Oh well, we got
a big pot. We boiled ore down. Man, we make
some other metals. You don't have a smelting pot. That's
gonna goat corn makers in your friendly Yeah. Wow, wow, bros,
(19:48):
it's a level forty five. I don't think we've got
coin time left in the night. Man, you're just talking
all turned around and leave and butch, Butch, what do
you want to do? You want to remember tonight forever?
I want to remember it forever and ever. Let's let's
have like an emotional bonding experience. Let's took extasy. Okay,
(20:11):
let's let's be blood brothers. Let's let's stab our hands
and y'all don't want to involved in this part we do. Man,
You're so fun. You're part of gets to keep hanging out,
part of it, part of it, part of it, part
part of it. I designed a commitmary of coin. By
the way, do you think you could do? Do it
off of this gorge cork? Thanks man on the back.
(20:37):
What does that flopian tubes thing? Yeah, plara, but represent
the Filippian tubes that of Bruce's mom. Oh dude, so
heavy man. First, my name is I know, Bruce's name
is Bird Certificate. My feelings and my fingers are hurt
(20:59):
little and I'm gonna make the corn up and I'll
send it to y'all get y'all. Let's just go. Let's
just go. Let's just get there already. Okay, we're here free.
How please? How many hot dogs will have to cook?
You don't have to go call down? They want coins,
they don't. I gotta feed somebody? How many hot You
didn't need to say it anybody, Mama? Just put out
the grape nuts. You're bringing people, your brain guests the house.
(21:21):
They're gonna have to eat. Okay, now't the grape nuts.
There's the grape nuts are all gone. I ate him
on the toilet. Mom, they're fucked up out of their minds.
Put that table right there. We'll do the beer pong
right here, so sick dude. Mom, just drag out the
smelting pot. Let's get I'm gonna drag it out after
I make them love it. Joey Chestnut over there, okay, dogs,
(21:50):
he's a raining champ of the Nathan's Hot Dogs. Anything.
I'm gonna have to make four d billions and say
say that phone bit. No, I think they're just stoking.
I don't think that's really I think it is having
to still these forties red solo cups with three fingers
each of Natty like of course that's a jolly chestnut.
Where you get all those fingers, I don't think you
(22:12):
understand word. Yeah, that looks like three fingers in each
of those cups. That's that's that's disgusting. They're chocolate fingers,
all right. They're not real fingers matter, because I don't
want no goddamn human fingers in my house. Y'all are
casts desert dessert, dessert, dessert, dessert, dessert. But you know what,
you're the best man, You're like that. I know it's
(22:34):
pretty great. You're right. Can I get another eat when
you stick in my But look, I think it takes
effects so much faster way you put it in your button,
much faster. But I want to see this right because
I don't know if the opportunity to say is again,
because I might get drafted. I think you yeah, but
(22:56):
I think you're the best. I think you sweet. And
if if anybody any sucking brone with you, I'd be
the first one here to fucking him up. I'd kill
him for you. Okay, I love you, dude. Will you
kill someone for me? You would kill someone for me?
Cocoon the grass, all right. I can't concentrate until you
wash your hands. That is really grossing me out. I
want to use some of these fingers are turn their ass?
(23:20):
What does that mean? It colar him only from a cocoon.
Can a beautiful butterfly emerge? That's rightmorphosis metamorphous, metamorphous metamorphosis.
I got hot dog? Hot Who that was Joey Chestnut?
(23:47):
I know it? Mom? Why don't you like a move? Okay? Hi,
Mr Joey Chestnut? Hey, what's going on? I was wondering
if you wanted to, uh come to my bedroom and
have text with me? What it's all right? I'm an adult,
I'm single. Are you single? Jolley? Look I'm not currently attached?
You know? Well what you just come over in my
(24:09):
in my bedroom in the weekend? Just Joey, you messed
up though. Man, you had a hot dog with butch
didn't have any ships, just lots of dirt of the hour. Well,
I know I know where we can get more food.
If that's where it is. Do you want you want
someone to eat? I'm starving? Well you know what, wolf, everyone,
(24:29):
We're gonna everyone, stay, come, stay, come. It's a dog man.
Everyone's This has been happening to me since I was
twelve years old. Hold on a stick. Now. The only
thing to get rid of a dog man is we
got a brand, our styles, okay, with some kind of ink.
Do you understand? He face how shaves back transformation transformation, transformation, transformation,
(24:59):
I which look me in the eye, man, look me
the eyes. Joey Joey chestnut. Yeah, it's cool, bro, it's cool.
It's cool. You ate this, lady, but it's cool. All Right.
(25:22):
We're out here. We're out here celebrating brom Okay, We're
gonna play some beer poem. We're gonna eat some chocolate fingers.
We're gonna have some hot dogs. Okay, all right, Just
maybe we should put this on the back of the coin,
you know, on the coin it's too light already kind
(25:45):
of got sold on your first Sunday were two coins
to Oh my god, we're starting a collectible series, you guys.
Holy ship. All fifty states, all of fIF he stays
at how cool bunches bo Nothing to do with the
(26:07):
National Mint. Okay, it's not a fifty steak thing. What
do you mean when we came to like an underground
minting facility, TAKS was the National Mint? Okay? I mean
that is Joey sponsor? To be honest, I'm not a mint.
I'm just like you know specific currently. You couldn't tell
(26:30):
when we walked through the bramble to the mine into
the earth, couldn't. Man, I don't know what government funding goes.
Are you telling me this is not a sanction mint?
It's not a mount like us? You got? I don't
like that. But I'm not even done with that handling. Handling.
(26:52):
But I'll stop, I'll stop. I'll kick you. I'll kick you.
Take before the next boarding. Oh my shoulders like ship.
Oh my clothes are all ripped and pieces on the floor. Yeah,
you turned into a man dog. I mean that's a
(27:13):
pretty normal foothole, so loose. But that was not my
phone ship? Man? What's that small in your back? What's
that in your traps? Oh? My god? No, you got?
You got? I did? What the fuck is that you got?
(27:36):
What is that? It looks like a hot dog? A
hot dog? Wait? Is that really hot? That's just really
a hot dog? Undea, hot dog is a hot dog.
So I got a hot dog? On got a tramp
stamp of a hot dog underneath actual hot dog. That happens, guys,
(28:00):
Remember it I don't remember it either. We should got
all these counterfeit coins. We have these counterfeit coins to
remember it by. Hey man, I don't like anything that's
not meanted by the US government. And it's freaking me out.
Holy ship, there's a hand. There's a hand here, and
and there's a head. Who there's a head. It's in
the back of one of these coins to look at.
There's fifty different bags. Look at this woman's head. Yeah,
(28:23):
looking at the back of this coin too. It's like
the likeness is amazing. Yeah, yess you guys, there's a
woman's head here. Are you serious? Are you sure it's
not just made out of chocolate? Taste? Taste it taste,
that's a human heads your hundred stop head, stop eating chocolate?
(28:51):
What I miss? Whoa buddy, what are you doing? Eat
my mom's head? You know her? That was my mom
did Who you y'all kidding me? What the fuck? We
had kind of a wild night. It was crazy. Well,
I don't know where to start. We'll start from here.
(29:12):
Beginning was well, I was here in the mine, I
was in mine. Baby born in the shaft, from a shaft,
and then from a shaft. I think you're talking about
the Philopian tubes. Bro, Holy shit, what, oh my god,
what dude, where this table comes from. This looks like
(29:33):
a restaurant table. It looks like it's slacky. Oh my god, slaggy.
Oh god, we got fucked up last night. We stole
a table. Also gave you the table and then your
fall beings with the bram ball and then dog, I
never remember anything the next day after I turned into
a wolf. I never remember. My butt feels weird. I
(29:56):
think it's because you were like putting fistfuls of Ecsta senior,
just bro, just like you always do this. It's in
the back of this Oklahoma coin. Look at that you're
shoving them up there, man' that's wild. Man. These are
like real, like national mint level coins. No, no, no, no,
I got no affiliation the national Man, what do you
mean you got affiliation? This is a private, just talk
(30:19):
commemorative coin cave. Oh look at it the back of
the of the Oregon when you're denying its authenticity. Don't
get it twisted. You don't try to spend these. These
are for a slaving Wait a second, all these coins
tell the story of our night. Wait a minute, but
Utah looks like the future. You're killing all of us
in this coin. That's the that is your coin. But
(30:44):
we're still alive, so that couldn't have come to past.
This is a real future, only a possible future. Show
we relax. This is one of two possible fittures. They're
gonna have to find Wyoming to find the other one.
Find Wyoming. That's right here? How do you find that?
So fast it fell out of his butt? How long
I was gonna stay there for a minute? Wait a second.
On the other side of this, we're all holding hands
(31:06):
and singing the song like ye hear the singing, but
I like that, you know, That's what I was trying
to get up, Like all of our faces faces looking
up in the air. It's going to be saying, we'll
actually holding hand singing looking up at the UFO sing
There's a third coin that has each of those scenarios
on each side and says flip me okay, wait, three
(31:30):
scenarios on a two side of each of those scenarios,
it's the flip it flip flip flip flip it there
it is really good. Flipp Are you guys? Wait? Is
(31:57):
going down that great into the door and they never
learned their face umber real bummer C three Dear Alchemy this.
I recently became a fan and I had to drive
to l A from Taos, New Mexico, and back again.
(32:18):
Your podcast is what got me through a tedious road trip.
You guys are hilarious and I have been recommending your
show to everyone I know. Here's my idea. A truck
driver can see everything that people are doing in their
cars as they pass by everything. I hope you choose
my idea. Alice Zorthian Alright, are you radio junkies listening
(32:40):
on the radio because you're driving new truck and you
just cruising? Uh, listen to these smooth tunes and hang
out as well as you're driving, because if there's one
thing that makes a drive even easier, just keep it simple.
Song Here we are, we got the roses are are wider,
but the arrowhead the roses roses. That's pretty sweet. Thanks
(33:08):
for picking me up on the side of the road.
I really big deal, hop on in in. I just
needed a ride. Thanks. Alight, where are you headed? Um?
You know I'm headed to my future. Where I'm going
to That's where I'm going to, not your future mom future,
Well kind of we're like connected now, so who knows?
(33:31):
That's moving quick as thought. No, I just meant like, okay, fine,
don't worry. I'm not I'm not a weird. I'm not
going to kill you. I wouldn't be afraid to you
killing me. You freak me killing you, that's hilarious. I
could kick the ship out of here, I can I
can you fall asleep in this cabin? I just slice
opened up. I would I fall asleep with one eye
(33:54):
opened to me too when I'm driving. And then you
did anyway, and you know, just don't don't accept any
of my water anything because there's and I don't drink
anything that's not at least alcohol. Great. Well, now that
we both know that we could kill each other, let's
enjoy ourselves. Moon Dog second, moon Dog right on here.
This is picture perfect weekend calling, how are you doing?
(34:16):
Doing good? Bringing my freight frighten it up to fre Fresnel.
Got my checkpoints in for Roger that I just want
to let you know I heard something over the wire there.
It's a great new song. The roses are wider, but
in addition to that, the charming stranglers on the loose again.
Don't worry about me. I'm totally safe on this stuff.
(34:38):
Roger that you have a description of what they look like. Honestly,
I got so involved in the new song. I just
heard the name and moved on. Makes sense to me,
all right, over and out over Now, that's crazy. So
you can just talk to anybody on the radio, that's right,
that's why you want to try? Sure? Yeah, why not?
Just he'll go ahead and we'll go into this band
(34:59):
with here. You press it in and you can request
any of these call signs here. These are all my buddies.
Ahead and call them and they'll feel a pick up. Okay, Um, Hi,
this is Rebecca. Um, what's up? Who's there? This is moondog.
This is supposed to be an official channel. What you're doing?
I'm just calling to say hi, I'm here? Is that Rebecca? Yeah, Stefanie,
(35:22):
it's definitely my god, what are you doing? I'm totally
just like hitchhiking. Me too, weird. I'm trying to find
my future me too. Listen, this is an official channel.
We really shouldn't be talking like this. Okay, Well, just
know that I'm I'm like hitchhiking. So if I go missing.
You know that moondog is in trouble, and I'm I'm
(35:43):
here with picture and picture picture perfect weekend and uh
so just let me you know that I'm I'm here.
You're here, Okay, great, you're there? Right? That's crazy? Is
it crazy? When? What's this music? Sure? Um? The rules?
What guests? Seven up? Cup? I can pan? Okay, look
(36:04):
I missed the exit all right? Oh yeah you did.
Because you can't do two things at once, Dan, You
can't even do one thing at once, Julianne, I'm going
to take the next exit. I'm gonna double back. Okay,
can you pass me the ox CHRD? What can you
ask me? I want to play music? Oh jeesus, we're
gonna listen in silence for a while. We're all going
(36:24):
to listen to the same music. Now more headphones. I'm
gonna throw your headphones out the windows. The silence or music?
What are we listening to? You? Well know your mother's
going to pick a song. Okay, father is going to
try to undo that Clusterfuck. Just let me know when
the exit. Next exit is coming to you gotta navigate,
You got to navigate for the Oh what else can
I do? I'm ton I'm on. This is don't sing along,
(36:51):
just listen. What then is this Natalie and BRUI you're wrong,
you don't know anything. Put your hat out the window
like a dog. I hate this song. I think that
(37:15):
they just threw some trash out their window. I don't
know what the but that's Moondog's pet Peeves, sweetheart, We're
gonna have to We're gonna to teach these drivers a lessons.
You could just pick it up, pick it up freeway exactly.
Just why is that truck flashing its break glides at us.
It's it's tapping the brakes. Why is it not tapping
the brakes? Do something? It's gonna get you off the road.
(37:38):
You can't pay attention. You have to be you have
to be aggressive to this kind of drug. Okay, in
the lane then, yeah, he's following us. Oh my god.
Wait wait, the kid fell out of the car. I
think we really should stop for that kid. The kid
just fell out of I hate to let these people
(37:59):
get away with this. Okay, we will so exciting. This
is my future. This is not normal. This is not
This is a little more exciting than most truck. Okay,
here we are all right, you want to get out
and get that kid? Kid? Kid? Are you okay? You
(38:20):
have to turn around. I can't. No, you have to
turn around. Our son is back there. Okay. I didn't notice.
I didn't notice that he felled out to file an extension. Okay,
So I have a room for three people. It seems
only two are there is someone joining you later on?
We don't have to tell you that. We don't have to.
We we have a room, right, Yes, what is the
(38:43):
head count matter? Okay? I just have a reservation here
for two old one children child children. It's a quality
in all right. Does it really matter how many of
the two of us in the room. Oh, we just
have a small I can't read that. Taekwondo, taikewe does
your name interesting? My parents were very big into martial arts. Great.
(39:06):
You don't need to know if we have a children
joining us, Okay, I just want to know if a
child would be entering to Europe. Why do you need
to know that just at the beginning of the key
at the door or leave a key? Yes, yeah, you
take it, you take it, you take it, Julia obviously, Taekwondo,
sorry interrupted, we need more ice and sweet one from
(39:27):
Missing Brouglia. Yeah, wait, Missing buglea. Yeah, I'm not supposed
to say it's Natalie from Torn Silent from is the
G silent? Or do you say the g? Uh? Honestly,
she said she always has dealer's choice. So yeah, so
she's staying at this quality in. Yeah, it's a quality
in and she's getting ice delivered to her room. Yeah.
(39:50):
I've always had to run down to the ice machine
stairway the second floor. No, no, no anymore for Netalie Nellie,
it's it's whatever she wants. I don't think alright, kids,
So this is how a lot of people get into
truck driving. You're gonna be fine, be fine, Just relax.
This is exciting. It's an adventure, you know. Here, I'm
(40:10):
gonna turn on some music for you. Make you feel better,
you know. When that we're driving on the road, the
one thing that we want to do is we want
to think about where we're going next. And that's why
music is so important. How don't want a way? This
is good over over over picture for we can come
(40:33):
and please, okay in in house to picture perfect this
moondog go ahead. Prior to that, I just want to
give your heads up that they're evidently I heard something
on the HP thing that there are kids dropping all
over the freeway, all over the freeway, or just one.
I heard all over the freeway, and then that wonderful
song of the roses are wide. I came out and
I just pace the rest out. That makes sense? Anything
(40:54):
strange happening to you today? I heard you picked up somebody?
I picked up somebody. Aren't you hang up that call? Well, Rebecca,
I guess I gotta go moon dog? Yeah? Yeah, are
you sure everything's okay? Hang up the call? How are you, Rebecca?
Are you okay over there? Yeah? I'm fine? Okay, good? Good.
(41:14):
She's very charming, so she'll be fine. Something seems up weird.
Was hanging on call? All right, Look, Julianne, just get
off my back. Okay, our son is a ball on
the highway. He'll find us, okay it. Oh my god,
she's practicing. Didn't request the room, not next to Natalie
(41:37):
and BRUI I put in a request, trump, dear request,
but changed. Oh my god. I thought she was Australian.
When you're solving, it's hard to tell. All accents are neutralized.
Should we go over there? I mean, I don't want
(41:59):
to be a star fluck. I'm not trying to do that.
I don't like that song anyway, Like I made that clear.
How about we split up? You go find our son,
I'll helpless and Brulia Okay, that's only fair. Thank you?
Are you on the least pardon me? Are you on
the least to say if I was un the least?
Are you on the least to say that's not a
(42:21):
real accent? Mean it's not real. I'm gonna easing it
is and I that sounds not real. Its missing. Bruli
will be happy to see me, I'm sure. Are you
only least tell me? Lie? He used to nice? Is
there are remember what understood there? I can get more
(42:46):
of that if you want. Yeah? Sorry, does anybody know
which for the vending machina? Mr said Fred is really
snacky right now? Seeking floor? My thank you, Thank you, Natalie.
I'm a huge fan and I couldn't help it over
hear you sobbing in the bathroom, and I just wanted
(43:07):
to let you know that you don't need another hit
because what you've done is more than enough. Illusion never
changed into something real. I needed this. Excuse me, you
don't know where the ice machine is? What holy ship
(43:28):
you're Paul Cole. I didn't want to wait for a
Nickers boss. I'm looking for myself. I'm just trying to
get some ice. I'm trying to find possibly the corpse
of my son on the highway, so uh, in case
he's still alive, I wanted ice down any wounds that
he had. Talk about an icebreaker. Huh. Wow, Policle is
(43:50):
just as funny and charming as I hope she would be.
You know, it's been so long that somebody actually talked
to me, you know, usually just whispering point like where
have I look at? Boy's gone? And they leave me alone.
You know, it's just nice to finally talk to somebody,
to connect him. So what are the odds that you Nandon,
Brullian and Wright said, Fred would all be at this
quality in in the middle of nowhere. Well to together. Yeah,
(44:13):
it's this big package nineties tour things. Each one of
us gets to play one and a half songs. That
seems about right. There's fifty three artists on it and
the show is three hours. Wow wow, Well we're lucky
to get a room. I don't know where. Then these
people are Okay, we gotta show them about twenty minutes.
We got no artists. We've got merriedth Brooks. Brooks, We've
got her, she's here. She could go on right now. No,
(44:36):
I'm a bitch. I'm's got five I swear to god minutes.
That's five minutes of torture. I'm not doing that. Okay,
these people paying, all right, I was thinking of playing bitch.
Good choice, that's what. Look, we got to cancel the night. Okay,
you gotta go down to the quality and see what
the fun is going on me. Okay, all right, call
(45:00):
down to take the truck. Oh, thank you. Yeah, just
get the funk out of you go. Huh. All right, Well,
we gotta get this. We gotta get this equipment for
the next show. So I want you guys to hold
down this rig and I'm going to be emptying out
these amplifiers and speakers. And it's pretty cool. I'm pretty cool.
(45:20):
The next step away from being what you're doing. But
it shows in about a couple of minutes. You're so
fucking late. It's just some speakers. Hold on, there's hurry up,
hurt kid here helping us. He's helping you out like
his parents threw him out of the moving cars. Let's go,
(45:41):
let's go. Excuse me, a taekwondo. I I'm from the
nineties musical festival, Music Festival, Cheese. I'm so um. I
was wondering where our artists are. Um, Paul cole right,
said fred Um. Um, I don't know. It's on my
T shirt. It's yeah, that's that's all I can. Sorry
(46:03):
to interrupt, I over heard. You got a concert going on.
I'm the lead singer of the Arrowhead. You have a
hit right now on the radio with every road it
was this wider. Yeah. We were supposed to play down
at the Milky Way Amphitheater and tallahass but we read
low on fuel and well we just want to play.
It's amazing. I love your song. Why do you have
(46:25):
an opinion in this, I'm a human being. Fair enough.
Well you just ran into the right lady. I'm wrangling
talent and um I'd love to take you back in
the truck. Um. Okay, so just calm down. Everyone can down.
We had a going out. We got we got some
some music coming ball. They'll be coming on a second.
(46:48):
Just we have a great act for you to just here.
They're almost here, I miss Lila Fair. God damn it,
what they Where the hell were you? What do you mean?
Where was I? I had to drive to the hotel.
Holy shit, is that arrowhead? It's one of them, from
just the lead singer, well the rest of the boys.
They're following there on horseback with their gears. Oh my god, sir,
thank you for coming. Now. Can I give you something
(47:09):
to drink or something to eat or something to put
under your eyes? I'll take some cucumbers and some tears. Yeah,
you got it. Um, would you mind playing the festival?
We're here. We're not from the nineties, but moon Dog,
this is Kuala Bear. Come in, Come in, Moondog here, Hey, Moondog.
I got worried that there's, uh, there's a current band
(47:30):
all on horseback that that might need a lift. You
are the trucker with the extra sensory powers, which you
haven't used. Because you go you are able to see
into every car. Happened to have an overhead view of
all of them and use that extra sensory So that
just means you've got a goodvantage point from your truck,
(47:52):
the super extra sensory. But you don't think that's a superpower.
I wouldn't consider it so, but well, come on, Quali bear,
hang up, Who's who's up? You know you're not supposed
to have people there? All right, all right, I want
somebody to tie this bandana around the back of my head. Extra.
I don't like to use it for my own pleasure,
(48:13):
but I need to have this bana around my head. Kid,
I told you our lives are super exciting. I'm gonna
write a book about this. Call it. I'm gonna call
it nothing. They are there, yeah, yeah, what? No? I
have ice? I have ice from my son. I'm so sorry.
I'm picking up. I'm not picking you up on my
(48:35):
extra sensory. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I need I want
to treat my son's injuries. Where is your son? He's
there in your truck. This kid here, I can see
right through the wall. All right, we'll hold on. Let
me open the back door. Dogging, go in, moon dogging?
Is that you pickure? Perfect? Turned out? Here? Rebecca to
(48:58):
the German strangler? Oh my god, of course she is.
It makes so much sense. She has giant hands and
she's so charming. Oh that's a bumber. Picture perfect. Try
to stop her from killing you. You can't do what
I'm going fast. Just be sure to get there. Going
to play that song at my funeral? I will, I will. Okay,
(49:18):
get this kid out in the back. I need to
get this is perfect. Okay, I'm just gonna open up
the back of the truck. You can take him out
of the cab. Excuse me, we're trying to get to
the gig. Oh my god, I play. Oh my god,
I thought how that? Oh I didn't realize. How about you, guys,
(49:44):
Just I'm gonna put the ramp down in the back.
Just bring your horses on into the booty ring. Okay, Hey,
you know what, he's probably too dangerous to move out
of the cab in the car. Why don't you hop
in with your son and fix him up on the way.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I threw you
out the car. It's probably the most exciting thing that
will ever happen to him. I just feel like our
(50:04):
relationship is torn forever. Ladies and gentlemen, we all the arrow.
My boys just got here on horseback. What you don't
know is it's a supergroup made up of solo artists
from the Night on the Base. Oh MC how is that?
How is that on hype? Lou baga? That's it. We're
(50:30):
just a trio tonight, beg she wants to play with you, Meredith?
You want to hop on in? Yes? And I think
we all know big hit song Wait any room for
Sugaray Sgaray? Yeah, Mark McGrath, everybody play alone. In fact,
if you're already bad, just pick up an instrument. You'll
(50:51):
win it. You know the song? Okay, you can't play, however,
I forgot when words to bitch? You're such a count everybody,
let's just playing that song. Every road was is wider?
You know how it goes? Follow me on the two,
three and a four? This is going? How does that?
(51:18):
Every road wider or wider? So this is what it's
like to be a truck driver. Are you sure you
want this future for yourself? I am ready to take
the reins and keys of your truck. What do you mean? Oh?
(51:40):
I thought you were I thought you were saying you
were going to give me, give you my Do you
have any idea how much a rig cost? You think?
What did you mean when you opened up this whole conversation.
I thought you were just going to start being my
my basically my road. Okay. So like, because I'm a woman,
I can't like drive a truck. Okay, So like all
of a sudden, you're like, I had to work my
(52:02):
way to own in this root. Well, I see that
woman underneath your shirt that's been driving this whole time.
Thank you for noticing. Okay, okay, okay. I passed the
road test for him. I got into B class five
and you probably have the extrasensory powers. I can see
the road. That's why I can drive under his shirt. Alright.
(52:22):
I also passed a realtor test for him, and he's
never used the damn license. Oh God, turned out you
couldn't sell mobile homes as a realtor as well. As
I saw a tent four. Tent four, that's my Norwegia parrot.
My Norwegian parrot picked him up at a side of
(52:44):
the road. And that's our show for today, The Perfect
Let's let's all plug what we gotta plug. Carla Kakowski
Orange Tuxedo Improv dot Com will give you all the
show dates for the two person improv show that Craig
(53:05):
and I do. Guys, Vanessa Raglan, check out Dynasty Typewriter
Dynasty tagwriter dot com. We're Dynasty Typewriter on Instagram. What
does the name mean? Craig Katkowski at Kikowski on Twitter.
Also at craigslist peacast for the We're getting down to
the top ten, uh movies on my on my list. Well,
(53:29):
we're getting there. We're getting there. Sound like you enjoy it.
James Heney, just go to the real Jeames Heeney dot
com and then you can find your path there. Oh
it's Joey Greer Bear Supply every second and fourth Wednesday
at nine o'clock at Westside Comedy and Pretty Pretty Pony
every first Thursday at ten o'clock at west Side Comedy.
(53:50):
There it is. I'm Cole Stratton double down on that
Pretty Pretty Pony at Cool Stratton at Cole at Stratton Cold,
depending on the service you can find me online. There.
Let's take our here Doug Babe, our post sound design artist,
Raphael Brito, our producer Sophie Lichtmane, and lastly, I heart
media Bump Bump. We finally have something acroach all of
(54:17):
you to write a review, tell everyone you've ever met,
and write to us with your scene suggestions and whatever else.
At your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com. See you later,
and as always, w beverer than
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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