Zoom doctor’s appointment.

Zoom doctor’s appointment.

Failed science museum.

Swallowed ear bud.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of malcom this well, I
get that. Look, when the time is right, I'll come
back for you. Well trust me. Do you trust me
to welcome back for you? You do? Yes? Psych, But
I digress. Let's meet Acamy. Shall we know particular order.
Let's quickly check on the Christoparado for two audition advice corner. Christo,

(00:26):
don't let it hurt this process. Can't fucking physically hurt
you anymore. Talking to myself as I look in this
zoom thing. When I get an audition, my stomach shouldn't
sink and I shouldn't feel like I'm I'm sentenced to prison.
It should be a joy, a place for me to
have fun and explore and be creative. So for everybody
out there, if it hurts, switch it up. And he's

(00:48):
coming from somebody who's booked two co stars, so nicely said,
and very well, I've checking it and thank you for
sharing it. Not Craig Atkowski and his classic sitcom Memories
review cow Um, so far, so good. I liked that

(01:11):
episode of Cheers where um, sorry, I'm super high right now,
where Coach told his plain looking daughter how beautiful she was.
Oh nice, that was really because she reminded him of
his dead wife. Yeah, of course, I just like those

(01:35):
Cheers episodes with Coach. Sure, sure, I gave up on
the show as soon as Woody joined heard heard it
was still good after that. I heard that guy read
of Diane at some point too, But that first the
first three maybe just like the first season with Coach,

(02:00):
as good as it got. Oh man, man, oh man, Hey,
it's time for Caroline Cotter's bathroom off the foyer, dudes,
and don't call um miss squats a lot. Yes, you
want my column of dews and don'ts for shipping for
the bathroom off the foyer. Oh for the one off
of Fourier. Now that's I'm glad you asked I that

(02:21):
has specific rules for that one. You do want to
poop in the top tank, right, You don't want to
lift the toilet seat up. Um, Actually, you do want
to lift the toilet seat up only if you're pooping,
so that way your butt can kind of dip into
the water if you go on the bottom. And my
last hip for you is, um, leave the door open,

(02:44):
leave a cracked see of my guests and you're in
the foyer after all, my goodness, gracious, all helpful, All
appreciate it. Check your coats. It's Mark Gagliardi time. Hello,
Lucifer's muscle. What can you tell us about your news
cinematic organzation Italians for better film portrayals. I'm glad you

(03:04):
asked that, Kevin, because Italians have been portrayed in films
for entirely too long as mafio so gangsters, and the
biggest culprits of this I think are all actually Italians
doing so guys, come on, let's just let's just play

(03:25):
random dudes, you know, dudes, random dudes and ladies and
other We don't have to all be in the mafia.
That said, I'm saying this right now as just off camera.
Three mafio so's have guns trained on me right now,
all of them Italians making sure that I say this
and exactly the way that they prescribed. Did I do? Okay?
Fellas they mumbled something. They all have toothpicks in their mouth,

(03:49):
so I don't know fair and accurate and last, but
we'll just take the check if you think of least.
It's James Heeney, Johnny Jack, Jim. If you could change
the structure of the days in the week. Walk us
through your new layout, please easy. I would put I
would put Friday, uh, just after Monday because Monday's can

(04:13):
be tough, and then Fridays are exciting. Then it would
be Tuesday. Then it would be Wednesday, which is kind
of like Friday. So you get Saturday, and then you
get Thursday, then you get actually, then you actually get
the leftover one. That's where that goes. It's a hit
from Craig's hooka. I think so well, it's difficult to

(04:34):
try to figure out where to put those, but I
want to spread the weekend days. I think you did
a great job with that, to be honest, Thank you,
thank you, And let me just take a moment. I'm
going to be gone for the next couple of maybe
like three weeks. Film you're listening to this in chronological
because I'm I'm a big star in a big movie
and I'm gonna be on set. But I'm gonna be

(04:56):
answering all the emails that come into Patreon and all
the emails, so the sense suggestions, and let me know
that you're still around, and say hi to James. Oh nice,
well done. Anyone else? Yeah, I got I'm gonna say,

(05:16):
you know, thank you for this opportunity. Now. I do
want to see the other day, I was at the
beach and I was with somebody else who went to
the culture to the ocean to check out the waves.
And when she came when she came back, she said,
I just saw James Heney walking. I said what, So
I turned and went James, James Heney. This is a
true story, James, James, and he just kept walking. And

(05:37):
then she said she said that you had asked, James,
are you with Chris Olverado, and she said yes, and
you just kept walking. Happened. It's very close to what happened. Okay,
what happened. I thought that she was with Gorbos. First
of all, I didn't know she was. She didn't use
your last name. Uh, And I had just been like, oh,

(05:58):
we were in a rush because I had to get
home with go on that morning walk. But I had
to get home for I forgot what it was. I
think it was an online doctor appointment. But well, I
wish I saw you, But even if I did, I
felt I felt really burned though, because I was like, oh,
I know James very well. Watch this Jay. I did
not hear you. If I heard you, I would have
come back and I would have just showed up for

(06:19):
the doctor's appointment late. Okay, thank you, thank you. Kevin. Yep,
absolutely glad you could use that time wisely. And you've
given me a scene suggestion, which is online doctor visit
all of our scene suggestions to gather from your listener
emails or from our Patreon supporters. Head on over there
to get exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes, video of
our recording sessh on the Zoom at the highest level

(06:42):
course coomy Neck. You can join us in the damn zooe.
It's happened multiple times and we'll continue to do so.
We'd love to hear from you either way. If you
want to join the Patron and support, go to patron
dot com, slash algemy this otherwise right to us at
tcom to seemail at gmail dot com, talking to com
and now seen one suggested by James Ceeney and Chris's

(07:04):
conversation A Zoom doctor's appointment. WHOA, uh so do I
feel that? How do I Are you gonna email me? Yeah?
I just sent it to your email address. Okay, do
which one do you have? Do you have the Uh. Um,
let me see on file for you. We have Big

(07:24):
Daddy six at Geo cities dot com. Thank you. That
is the correct one one. Yeah, A lot of times
I will give people, uh Steve at John Lovitz dot com.
That way, no one will bother me. Um, but that
is a correct one, the one you have. Okay, So
I see, I see here the form. So do I

(07:44):
fill out the form in total before I see the
doctor or can we start the process as well? No?
So i'mm a receptionist, UM or a medical assistant. Um.
What would you like to be? What do I want it? Like?
Anything in the world? Let's go there. Yeah, um, I
think I would love to be um someone who just

(08:05):
names bones. I should mention I'm recording this zoom? Is
it too late? Are you cool? Cool with that? No,
that's wondering. I think. Yeah, let's have the world here.
I want to name bones. So you must know, then,
how many bones are in the human body? Er I guess,
If i'd have to guess, I guess around five thousand.

(08:28):
It's two. If we were to find a two hundred
seven bone, you would be able to name it, and
you would name it of course. Um. Well, I have
to say, I really like I'm taken with your email name.
I'd probably name it Big Daddy six. Um, doctor, this
is it's confidential whatever happens here, even though it's online. Right, yeah,

(08:53):
of course everything, everything that you say is confidential online.
I get you a coffee. Uh yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.
So I'm doing this on my I'm doing this on
my phone at a Starbucks. Okay, but you can still concentrate,
you can still, I can still completely concentrate. It's uh,

(09:13):
it's it's doctor with a oh and an R recording
in progress. Yeah, we got this. Wait are you you're
recording this? Yeah, of course, we'll look. It's just for
my edification and uh my, you know, gratification and my satisfaction. Okay,
um so but but seriously, but tell me tell me

(09:34):
whether the pain that you're feeling and we are we
talking about uh internal emotional pain? Are we talking about
a physical pain that you're dealing. That's the thing that's
exactly right, Doc. You Hey, Mike, Mike, what are you
doing here this morning? Doc Mike, come here, sit down
on sit down, have a seat. Sorry, sorry, my colites
that colites cleared up. Oh good, good, good. I'm so

(09:57):
glad to hear that. I want you to meet my
new guy. This is a new guy. Would you what
did you say your name was? Hey, heartbreak? Would you
say your name was Big Daddy six, Big Daddy? This
is Big Daddy six. You remember the crazy few years
back when everybody's name and everybody big Daddy six. It
was one of them. Yeah, hey, I'll get I'll get
with you in just just a second, just a second,
I gotta yetta knock this one out real quick. Okay,

(10:21):
you were you were saying, Oh yeah, Suvie egg bites,
those are me? So my wife, Oh my wife she
left me? Um and so again. Yeah, this is weird.
It's like it's a hybrid. It's combination of what you said,
are you are you? Are you chewing on a cake
pop right now? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I mean did you

(10:42):
I'd offer you a cake pop, but I don't have
one cake pop? And also with the zoom, so, you know,
I feel like I'm dying of a broken heart. Could
that be possible? You know what, it's never I'm not
sure it's actually you know what, I just sorry, what
I just realized I'm actually not on on the WiFi
and here, so the signal is going to be cutting
in and out. I should switch over because Starbucks always

(11:03):
is the best WiFi. I've been going off of LTE. Uh.
Dr Jenkins, this is your urban cybersecurity health program. Um,
we've been having hackers trying to attack in Have you
been experienced anybody infiltrating your zoom calls during appointments? Uh? No,

(11:24):
I mean I was just in one at Starbucks. I
don't think anybody has taken over. You're using the secured line, right, sure,
I was using the I was I was using the
I mean I was on LTE, but I switched over
to the shit he's probably ACKed. You're breaking up, you're
breaking up, all right? All right? It seems like our

(11:47):
plans working, huh, just hacking into all these teledoc appointments
and getting personal information to do with oh what we
see fit? Are we hackers? Are? Are we hackers? Hackers? Yeah?
We're hackers, all right? So now I'm thinking we could
do whatever we want with this information. There's credit card stealing,

(12:10):
there's blackmailing, but this awesome might be good fodder for
short stories. Yeah man, yeah, well whatever, you know, whatever
you want to do with it because you all stole
the information. So whatever you want to do with this, Spike,
what are you thinking? Well, you're right man, because you
know I'm I'm hacking mostly to pay the bills. But

(12:32):
uh yeah, I h I do. I'm trying to get
into the Iowa Writers Workshop. And it was you haven't
given up on that yet? That's awesome. No, No, I
haven't given up. Well why don't we just why don't
we just hack the competition? Yeah, they're doing all their
classes online now right. He doesn't want it like that, Spike,

(12:53):
Do you want it like that? Is that how you
want to get it? Well? Look, if I if I
have to use my hacking skills to uh you know,
to jump start my my career as a writer of
short fiction, then that's just what I have to do.
But uh, you know, just going through a lot of
these people at the Iowa Writer's Workshop, a lot of
them are using John Lovitt dot com email addresses, which

(13:14):
are just you know a lot of firewalls. They're they're
very hard to protected. They're hard too hard to hack into. Penelope,
any ideas of what you're going to use this info
private info for? Um? Yeah, I'm kind of mainly, like
um Spikes said, I kind of mainly am using it
for money, like this is a job. I don't know,

(13:36):
we have to do like other things with it. But now,
but now you said it, I think maybe I why not,
I'll give the Iowa's Writer Workshop attract too. Oh okay, Spike?
Is that it seems like that would be Is that conflict?
Is that? Is it compos I just like this limited
spots available, right, I mean I I don't know, you

(13:59):
know how much they're trying to diversify the you know,
they're their class for three. But yeah, the odds that
two hackers from New York City we'd both get in,
I don't know. Well, I don't think I'm gonna write
that on my application profile. I'm not gonna say I'm
a hacker. What do you put in under? I don't
I've never done it before, You've never you don't even

(14:21):
care about writing short fiction? Alright, I don't care about
it at all. I just want to do it because
you're doing it. I could get in, all right, John Shiver,
John up Dyke, or what what are you gonna do
with it? Neo? I actually just got myself accepted to
the Iowa Short Story Contest, different different sc Oh shit,

(14:50):
I don't think I want to be part of this competition.
So you're a doctor, huh yeah, yeah, yeah, Wow, you
have a one of those like big fancy offices Largemont
or something like where's your office is large Mona adjacent
and it's pretty big and pretty fancy. But you know,
we do a lot more on on on zoom. I'm

(15:11):
not saying as many patients examinations, a lot less prostrate
examinations on zoom then we would do in the office,
but most of the stuff we can we can do
over less, so they're still happening. Yes, yes, what will
happen is I'll have people insert their own pinky and
feel around for Okay, it's it's in What am I

(15:39):
looking for? We're not looking as much as you are
feeling what it's a doctor's appointment. Okay, what am I
looking for? Uh? Well, we're hoping for a smooth uh text,
a texture as opposed to a lumpy you one. So

(16:01):
let me know as you move your finger about if
it's mostly a smooth surface or if you're coming up
again to an abutments. Rich rich, what is it, honey?
I Hi. I know you're doing your virtual doctor's appointment
and it smells disgusting in here, but you need to

(16:24):
prepare our son more for this. He's crying, he won't
stop crying, and he's trying to stick his finger up
his butt too. Now. He said he wants to be
like daddy. Oh wow, that happened fast. Hi doctor, nice
to see you. Yes, you're looking well and I like that. Oh,
thank you. I do have a question about the inside

(16:44):
of me that I felt. I wasn't sure if it
was correct, but I'll save it for my own appointment anyways.
Want to say that? Um, okay, you bet your see
you tuesday. Yeah, so your husband, your husband has been
using my boyfriend as a doctor, which is so cool. Yeah,
isn't that crazy. It's kind of like we're sleeping with

(17:05):
each other's boyfriend. I have a question about the inside
of me. Um okay, and you're asking me again. In mind,
I'm a bone collector. I don't do doctor stuff, but
I'm willing to. What's up? What's your question? Like? The
inside of me is like which part? Yeah? Which part?
Because we're both women, I have to go, I have

(17:27):
to go. Why we just we just sat down. We
worked so hard to get a reservation here. This is
making me uncomfortable after all. Okay, First of all, you
brought it up, you fucking bitch. Second of all, it
took me literal months to get a dinner Friday reservation
at Nobu, and you're gonna leave. I drove you here. Okay, Yeah,

(17:48):
you're right, that's true. Okay, fine, okay, So when I'm
I'm gonna have Toro for sure, I'm gonna have to
Oh my god, me too. Yeah, speaking of the texture
of Toro, ya achres Oh my god, I got the

(18:08):
best piece of footage after we can totally blackmail. This
is our history teacher. Look at this tape, knuckle asshole.
He's sticking his finger up his boom, He's sticking his
finger up his butt. Well, now what we we got
the we got the footage. What we do with it?
I mean, is there anything we can do? Yes, Spike

(18:32):
could probably use this to inspire a short story. Yeah,
I think. I think you start with the history teacher,
you know, waking up in the morning and just kind
of going through the routines of his day, but then
flashing back to incidents from the past. I want to
use this blackmail, like, how do we blackmail him? Now?
We want to make money? Right, so, so not for

(18:53):
creative purposes, but rather destructive. You guys have all been
using this for creative purposes, haven't you? Guilty? Guilty, guilty guilty.
Oh my god, I didn't even notice you there. That
has seen one? Everybody see two comes from a patron

(19:18):
v I P. Thank you for using my suggestion, because
here's another failed science museum exhibits. Opening the doors, opening
the doors to the Publicna, hang on, hang on, hold

(19:39):
the door, holl the door, hold the door just when
we're finishing touches, when we're finishing touch Okay, okay, stay, stay, stay, Okay,
you can open the door. Okay, anybody else opening the door? Open? Okay?
Open doors. Hello everyone, Welcome to sam denounced museum. Stay stay.

(20:13):
I'm a museum inspector, so I would like to make
sure that uh somebody here that I need a guy
to bring me through. I'm just security, sir. I opened
and closed and locked and unlocked the doors, so you
may want to check in with management. UM, I'm assuming
you have an appointment and I have I can handle this.

(20:36):
You you must be the inspector. Yes, I am, I'm
here to inspect the museum. Everything's ready for an inspection, right, well,
this exhibit is complete. Stay, this exhibit is completely ready
for an inspection. Thank you so much for coming. We
are and we are a non taxidermy animal exhibit. Stay stay, stay, stay.

(21:00):
So if I could just walk you through right over here,
and um, the first exhibit I would like to show
you is, uh, this is Leo. We call him that
because all lions are named Leo. That lion is taxidermy. Right, No, no, no,
this is all Let's stay. This is an entirely non
taxidermied exhibit. We we're cruelty free. We're stay. Stay, No,

(21:24):
no back up, back up, back up. Hey Hey, I
said stay, I said Leo, Leo, Leo. I said God,
oh God, Leo, God Leo. This is all part of
the exampit, it's all part of the examity nature enjoy
when everybody for you, there are lessons. Oh so, uh,

(21:48):
shut the door, shut the door, shut the door. Hi, ma'am,
thank you for coming in. We understand you witnessed something
very traumatic at the opening of the museum. Um. Yeah,
and tried to get in first and they closed the
door and I had to wait for it to open again. Right,
and we are working on that. Thank you for that
part of the survey. Yeah, but we're talking about the

(22:08):
line attack. Oh yes, sure you Um this is weird,
but you know we have cameras everywhere. We zoomed in you.
You were actually yawning during the attack. Yeah, I know,
I got I got a puppy. Um, so I kind

(22:31):
of it's like every couple hours whining have to check
if he's pissing or whatever. So for me, I mean,
after you've had a puppy, a line attack is nothing. Okay, okay, okay, great.
That answers all the questions we had. Are you um? Sorry,
I noticed a kind of white mark where it looks
like a wedding band maybe used to be. So are

(22:53):
you used to be? Is right? Yes? Yeah, I'm not interested.
I was just kind of wondering if you're divorced because
I could, oh, because I was like I'm free tonight.
Oh no, absolutely not. I would never in a million years.
I was just curious. I like to know who I'm
interacting with that is divorced, and are you so? I

(23:15):
imagine you're taken you I would never answer that question. Sir,
you're a stranger. Yeah. Oh I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Okay,
you know what, for all of your help here, I'm
gonna give you two passes to the gorilla exhibit. And
that's in the Natural History Museum. Not no, it's it's
in the Science Museum. Um. They're they're they're they're actively

(23:39):
doing tests on the gorilla. Now. I'm also I could
go with you, Schaffer. I could take one of those
tickets because I haven't actually seen it myself. Oh no, sorry,
I don't have them anymore. M hmmm mmm right. Well
mcgreet was a surrealist, so when he wrote, this is

(23:59):
not a place up under a picture of a pipe, uh,
he that that's kind of the whole idea. It's a
representation of a pipe and not the actual thing. But
you're saying that we have to put up a sign
saying this is a pipe under the painting. We don't
understand why the public is being misled. Well, uh, look,
I thought when the museum inspector comes in that this

(24:21):
is all pretty routine. But it feels like you're you're
exercising creative control over these works of art that have
stood for years. I don't speak four the Museum Inspector
as much as I represent the Museum Inspector. And either
you're served with a subpoena today or you're not. That's
pretty much up to you. Where are these subpoenas coming

(24:44):
from the Museum Inspector's office? Okay, I I don't know
who signed on off on that, And and they're sending uh,
lackative and not a Lackey is what I'll tell you this.
Lackey went to Harvard. But sure, let's go with Lackey. Well,
if you went to Harvard, then you're probably familiar with

(25:04):
the artwork of Renee Mgreet. Uh yeah, yeah, of course.
And you went to Steve's College of Art. I did
go to Steve's College of Arts. Ship. Hello, somebody else
inside this lion inside? Hello, I guess I'm all along.

(25:28):
I thought I heard an attack, but nope, it's just
me living in this lion's belly. Hello. Hello, help, you're
standing on me? Oh how long have you been there?
I've been here for a long time. What year is it?

(25:49):
I don't know. Well, I was eating in two eighteen.
When were you eating two seventeen? It's been a long
time time. Oh my, didn't you sound like earlier? Didn't
It's like earlier somebody was like training this line and
that lion ate that person. I will go with the
brief moment. Yeah, it's tightened here. I wish I would

(26:15):
have just stay. Are you guys gazelles like me? It's
a good question. Good question. Um, I'm a bird, you're
a bird. How about you? I can't see in here?
Oh you can't see I'm a I'm a I'm a

(26:38):
I'm a rhinoceros. Yeah, I'm I'm a trucker. Help me
find my keys? And here wait you think it'd be
um yeah, so uh. It took quite a few tranquilizers
to get this lion knocked out so we could perform

(26:58):
this X right by the way. But um, if you
want to just look at the X ray here, it'll
be clear why the lion was feeling under the weather.
There's a bird, a gazelle. You want to know that
my lion is okay? Well, I don't know. He has
a what looks like a man and a semi truck
in the lion's stomach, has an appetite. We know he
has an appetite let's not shame him for it, and

(27:20):
we we're just trying to get the exhibit hoping. Sir,
I am not. I'm a veterinarian. My duty is to
protect my patients first. I would never shame him. Um,
and I just want to draw your There's something else
in here. I'm not really sure what it is. There's
a gazelle, a truck driver, a bird, uh, truck, a
truck and uh and a museum inspector who's I believe

(27:41):
claiming to be a rhinoceros. Oh, that's you're right. You know.
I have stared at this for so long and I
could not figure it out. Thank you. You just saw
and you knew immediately. Well, I you know what I
I can whisper. He's my Leo's mine, it's my boy.
I can whisper my Leo. Okay. And I also can't
help an notice another thing I kind of noticed, um

(28:02):
behind the teeth if you look up there at the
pus interior posterior. Um, Wow, that did you name those bones?
I did? Yes, thank you for noticing. Um, it looks
like a bottom half of a leg and is that.
I can't help but notice I don't want to be presumptuous.
You are missing the bottom half of your right leg,

(28:23):
so is that your leg in there? Um? I'm not
going to answer that question. You are a stranger, understood,
and I respect that. Again, it's surrealism, So if the
artist wants to represent a lion with a ridiculously large stomach,
it's clearly for comic effect. You don't have to push
put a warning sign on that this isn't, you know,

(28:44):
feasibly possible. What's clearly to one is confusing to another. Sir,
I don't know why you're taking this superior position that
everyone's on board with your thoughts. Okay, Well, look at
Steve's College of Art. They always told us that, uh, yes,
that the you know that that the the artistic impulse

(29:06):
is is king you know, okay, and the lion is
the king of the jungle. Yes, right. And in the
legal hallways of Harvard they teach us is their precedent
for legal matters, and if there is, you proceed. If
there isn't, you take caution, And in this case there isn't.

(29:29):
So I am taking caution. When I asked these questions.
I am being as respectful as I possibly can. But
I smell future representative of this particular item, And it
is very unclear to me if it's funny or not funny,
and whether or not it belongs in a museum. And
my first question to you, sirs, doesn't need some sort
of disclaimer? Well, I think let's leave that up to

(29:52):
the patrons of this museum whether this is funny or
or inspired. Let's just put up there. M m oh.
I like this piece. I like this. Yeah. Huh m hmm.
I didn't know. I didn't know a line stomach was

(30:12):
so big. Apparently unconfid aled kinds of things. Look at
this disclaimer. Look at all the things that are in it. Wait,
is the disclaimer saying those things are not actually in it?
Or is the disclaimer saying what's this? I can't read?
It looks like reading this disclaimer, it looks like one
person wrote one thing and then someone came through later

(30:32):
with the red crayon and changed all of the disclaimer
and then wrote in big letters at the bottom, this
is art. So I don't know what to believe. But
isn't that the point of a museum that when you
leave you don't know what to believe? No, no, no, no, no,
Not in a science museum, it should all be fat.

(30:52):
And if they're showing a line with the truck inside
of its stomach, then that must be what is happening
which makes me want to go jump into a lion's
mouth and say hello to the village of living things
inside of it? Well, doesn't that make it art then?
And this isn't then? Isn't every science museum and art museum?
And if every science museum is an art museum, isn't
it all open for interpretation? M hmm. All I know

(31:18):
is that is definitely a pipe that has seen two three?
Who wrote? I dreamt I was holding a large pill

(31:39):
in my hand. Is it I dreamed or I dreamt? Greig?
I think either is acceptable perfect. I squeezed this large
pill in my hand tightly, and then from the pressure
in the sweat on my palms, the pill casing begins
to disintegrate. I have an urgent need to swallow this
pill before it falls apart. I put it in my mouth,

(32:00):
and then I woke up back in my real life.
A large object was in fact stuck in my throat.
In my sleeping confusion, I worked with everything I have
at my reach to get this thing down moments later,
it occurs to me that I've actually now swallowed one
of my wireless earbud to the e R. I went, oh, anonymous, Oh,

(32:35):
dear sweet anonymous. Thank you for sharing that, uh scene
suggestion a man is in the e R for having
swallowed an earbud. Yeah, no, ship, let me please let
me make this anonymous due to the sensitive nature of it,
of course, and bless you for sharing. Thank you very
very much. Suiture Stack, just hold on there, if you

(32:56):
will get that here you go. You could say, please,
what the fuck what I got the sutures? I got
the sutures. I got them. Stat Apparently, stat is what
we have to do around here with Dr Bossy. Okay,
somebody gonna knock me out. Okay, sir, just hold on

(33:18):
another few moments. Please, the anesthesiologist is on their way.
You too, need to take your ship outside though. I
can't have arguing in front of the pace. Sorry. Do
I feel like you're the you're the problem doctor right
right for us? Yeah? You know what, here, you take over.
I'm gonna go maybe wait, I'm gonna go on a
smoke break good lecture. Okay, wait, does that mean you're

(33:41):
in charge of me now, I mean technically yes, but fine,
why don't we work it? Why don't we work together? Okay, fine,
let's work together. Well, sir, what seems to be the problem.
I swallowed one of I swallowed. Um, I swallowed. It's
it's an mirror budget type thing. But it was also
a mike her phone. Um in that in that earbuds

(34:05):
have a two way speaker. It's a microphone or no. No,
I was undercover and somebody knew us where the wire.
So I real quick swallowed it. I real quick swallowed.
So I gotta keep this kind of on the d L.
It's gotta be anonymous. This is exciting. Oh that's why
you're anonymous. Okay, Why am I holding a suitor that

(34:25):
I don't know? Can we get the doctor back? And
he's on a smoke break, and also he wanted to
use a suiture on for the situation. I think that's wrong.
Nurse well, I mean, he's gonna have to get cut
open to get it out of there anyway. I don't know.
I think we can just open up his phone and
see what's been recorded. No, you can't, that's that's super

(34:46):
private information. Grab his phone out, Grab his phone out
of his pocket. Okay, they all right, we opened it.
Look at that. Who go to voice memos. It's still recording,
so we're being recorded. That's a good Hi. Hello, you
gotta talk closer, and I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna stop,

(35:08):
and I'm gonna grow according and I'm gonna press play.
Please don't know? Hey, sick fuck you want? What do
I feel under there? Either that's a third tit or
you got a wire. It's not a wire. Stop this
whoa wow. He was not bullshitting us. He really was

(35:29):
some sort of informant. This is amazing. Why why did
you change your voice? I was I was starting todercover.
I was undercover. That's my undercover voice. You just make
up a different voice for when you're undercover. Oh, that's
just tough guy voice. It's tough guy voice. I was undercover. Okay,
tough guy. Let's see what else you got on the recording.

(35:49):
Tough guy. Here we go. Hey, how come your voice
sounded different than when you first started talking to me
a couple of seconds ago. I don't know. It was
probably because I swallow, remember that thing was it was
a bug caught in my throat? What so it doesn't
sound like you were doing a great job. I felt
like that person was on to you immediately. It was improvising.

(36:13):
I didn't know what to do, like I caught in
the moment. It's just that doctor smokeber. You can take
too longer. We just wait for him to get smokes.
American spirits they take forever, like they're better for you.
Ya know. All they do is take fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes.
I wasn't say fifteen minutes. Yeah, I feel like a
marbor light six minutes. Look at us figuring out how
to get along. Okay, okay, so what to do with you?

(36:40):
Sure we have a super Maybe we could try making
me vomited up. Nobody's trying that. Maybe maybe maybe an
invasive um, an invasive thing. Let's listen to more of
the recording. Okay, wait, now you want to perform something

(37:00):
called the Harold for me? Yeah, it's not a big deal.
But what I'm gonna do with some group games, I'm
gonna bring everything together afterwards. It's kind of weird when
I do it by myself. So doing you're describing a
Harold as doing group games that then come together at
the end. You know what much press positive. I don't

(37:25):
know a lot like I'm a nurse. Sure, well you're
a doctor right now? Okay, stop it. But I did
spend a couple of months at an improv theater, and
if I'm mistaken, it seems like the bad guy in
this situation totally called you out. I'm not getting what
a herald you know what? In the moment, it was strange,
but I didn't think she'd really call me to do

(37:46):
a Harold. Just one person at best, I can do
stand up set unless I had a team, and maybe
they bring a team in. Well, will you just you
know what this is gonna be good for our records?
Will you please walk us through the elements of a
hell your knowledge? Oh, here's the thing that should be quick.
It should be QUI. So you usually you're gonna have
your team and you're gonna come out. You're gonna get

(38:07):
a single words suggestion. Then you do like some sort
of an idea generating game, and then you'll do three
scenes which we usually call it, which we usually call
an opener, an opening game or listen to obviously still
playing a game, because that's it's game. It's the game.
You're I wanna listen. I want to listen to this

(38:30):
bad guy who's saying dear announcement for the doctors and
the nurses. You may have heard earlier. I just wanted
to repeat, we are still out of epichat. We are
out of epichac. So it's a patient comes into the
e er and they've swallowed something, they're fucked. Just to
be clear, we are out of epichat. It was like

(38:52):
almost someone like wants it, like likes the way it tastes,
because like, this is like my sixth hospital I've worked
at and we've never run out before. But who would
be sipping on an epichat cocktail? I don't know, do we?
You don't think it's it's the janitor, do you? Oh
my god, the janitor that we call him Barfi Yeah,

(39:15):
Barfey Bill, Barfey Bill's always Hi Bill, Hi Bill. Hey,
y'all just just want to empty the trash cans. Awesome,
thank you, We appreciate you. Bill. Oh my god, Bill,
are you okay? Yeah, I'm sorry. I gotta get the

(39:37):
wood chips to uh oh my god, Oh no, it's
all right. I know how to clean it up. Uh
what it's uh what'ever here? Did you hear over the
the announcement the p A. No. I got my earbuds
and I listened to MPR. Oh there that we're out

(39:58):
of epichac again for this six straight months. Oh, because
I'm a janitor, I can't listen to NPR. Oh No, sorry,
I was just I was anticipating apecac. Huh, that's that's weird, okay,

(40:21):
So okay, So so let me get this straight. So,
so I wanted to specifically define what it is we're
looking for in this second beat so called? Can we
please just let me use this suiture? Don't please, don't
anything to step to the suture from coming in at me.
I don't know. I think the nurse is right. Probably
anything from discussing what a herald is anymore would be better. Okay,

(40:43):
sure him up? Okay, where though, Like I mean, he's
got a lot of holes and suture is the only
thing the doctor asked for, so I know that's what
he's planning on using. Are we trying to seal the
air bud in or we're trying to seal other openings? Folks,
the surgery light wasn't on, that's okay? Are you just

(41:07):
high high bill? Yeah, just please don't get near this patient.
Oh of course, of course, Bill, can you can you?
Can you keep it down? I'm gonna press play on
this recording real quick. Sure, Oh my god, please stop stop.
It's been going on for fifty minutes. I think they're
only they're going to like it. It's been you. I

(41:28):
can't follow. You're playing every character, you're doing everything, and
you're asking me to name the game of the scene
after every fucking wait, but you guys, are they talking
about Harold Bill? You know Tina phase on Terry Gross
right now, it's talking about That's a great one, A
long form improv in Chicago. Oh god, I'm sorry. Did

(41:53):
that getting did that getting into anybody's open? No? No,
we're just we were just about to suit your him up. Okay,
any idea where you've been in that? You look, you've
worked at a lot of hospitals, haven't you. You've been
in a lot of e R s. Tell me about it.

(42:13):
I don't think that's a qualifier. If if the doctor
said I want to suit her, but nothing had happened,
nothing else, and all we were going off of like
it was the only item that was on this tray.
What would you use it for I was like a
short form game. Oh my god, is everything about improv
for you? I don't know. I'm just it's in my

(42:34):
head or not. It's like you're still at that school. Hey,
everybody's hand like, hey doctor, I'm the anestusiologists. But thank you?
Is this the patient? Wait? Hold on, duck? You just
you all right? Do you want to take a knee?
I'm the I'm with the nurse here. If we just

(42:56):
there's a likeness that's like, oh you're talking a doctor, Larry. Yeah,
you guys look similar? We do? We do. There's no relation.
We do look similar. Uh. In fact, I remember I
was arrested once he was up on fondling equipment charges
and give a whole fucking dissertation on why I'm an

(43:17):
anesthusiologist who touches nothing but the anesthesiologist equipment. So yeah,
there's a similarity. We look alike. We even sound like
different guy. Okay, so you're going to knock this patient
out so we can. I don't think it's a good idea. Uh,
sutur Well, before anyone's suturing, we should probably get a
scalpel in a doctor's hand. So there's something to suture.

(43:39):
But in the meantime, I'm gonna knock this fucker out.
At that scalpel in a doctor's hand. Uh yeah, yeah,
Well isn't it anesthusiologist technically a doctor? So you hold
this scalpel and I'll suit your him up. Yes, right, Okay,
you you guys are nurses. Guys come back from a

(44:02):
hundred sir, you guys are nursing. Huh, I'm I'm a janitor.
Don't mind me. I'm just just pounding my special drink here.
Uh what kind of special drink you're hugging there, buddy? Uh,
It's it's mostly epicac. Wait what mostly? What's all anybody

(44:24):
had to do was ask? That's terrific. H It's it's
like a third Lacroix or spin drift or you know whatever,
whatever your go to soda is, you know, right, Like, look, look,
so so, so what are you getting at here? You
think the guy that we sold the drugs too might
be a cop, but he also might be a bad improviser.

(44:47):
Is definitely a bad improviser, I got that much. But
as far as being a cop, I don't know what
kind of cops are told to swallow their wire, explain
view of the person that they're trying to arrest. You
know what, I yeah, yeah, yeah, Look, we're gonna have
to kill you. You know yeah, We're gonna heighten this.
This is the third beat, Sweetheart, that's our show for today.

(45:13):
This is the third beat, Sweetheart. That should be the
name of your second book. Chris, Um, oh no, so
not okay and so funny at the same time, hashtag canceled.
All right, let's thank almost everyone for being here today,
starting with Chris Alverado. Chris, thank you. It's such a
pleasure to play with this group of people. Um, that's

(45:35):
all I want to say. Fucking what a fun for
a fun day indeed, and thank you for sharing it.
And give our best to Jess, who I believe popped
in earlier momentarily, Um, and tell her everyone is enjoying
the television program that she is on. Was there an
announcement for a second season? Already? We're waiting where I've

(45:55):
spoken too soon. I'm a big JINX. Sorry about that.
All good? Uh, but so far, so good, so great,
and um, all the best to both of you, damn it. Please?
All right? Fair enough? Mark Gagliardi can I put my
foot in something in your life? Please put just find
somewhere to put your foot and when you take it out,

(46:16):
I'll make sure it's all suitured back up. You happy
to see on the Instagram that Jamie and I made
a special trip out to the land yesterday because it
was maybe day two of you Can Hug. Oh, it's
back to hugging the characters. Now the characters. That's very sweet.
I didn't think the first three most important were for

(46:37):
us to hug to hug um, I would I would
go all five of the big five, making Mini Donald,
Pluto goofy. But for you guys, that's the Big five.
But but I'm gonna guess personal thing. I don't know

(46:58):
who were the first ones that you went and hugged. Well,
it was based on availability, but so so Ratigan from
but they were in they were in the top five choices.
We started with Chip and Dale. There's a photo that
her friend called Chip which because she's in between them,
very cute Chipp and Dale. Then we went straight to Donald,
who was not impressed at all with my Donald sneeze.

(47:21):
You know, usually I can get the uh seventeen year
old that's inside the costume to laugh for some sort
of acknowledgement. I don't know what you're talking about. There's
nobody in any cop but nothing nothing from this one,
which is so good. Yeah so, but nothing again zero
zip za uh yeah so is uh Chipp and Dale
and Donald and eventually Mickey. Mickey was so nervous because

(47:45):
about people decided to line up and it was just
too much. I get it. Yeah. Um, but bless you
and yours and welcome back from Orlando. And I hope
your illness goes away quickly. And it's not COVID. Thank you.
It's definitely not COVID. It was a delight to be
here today and all of you make me laugh very hard.

(48:05):
Perfect you see that, Caroline. Uh yeah, I actually did
for the first time ever. Thank you so much for
being here, you know, thanks for having me. Um, that's
all I have to say. I had a good time
with four of the other people here. I won't name

(48:28):
the one that I did not have a good time.
I think that's fair, So thank you. Do you have
some performances, some live things or websites people can maybe
visit to see some of your performance websites. No, um,
you know, I don't really have any I have a
live show in June. Um, there we go, and uh,
you need to listen to my podcast Stinkers Boom. Look,

(48:53):
you know, we're all just trying our best out here.
At least four out of the six of us are
of us. Some of us are just waiting for that invite.
I love it. I love live performance, I love doing,
I love performing. I love to perform. You know I'm
being for a while. You have what's your name again? Yes,
and that's ship Chris. Thank you, Carol and Chris. Yes,

(49:16):
yes you too, damn it, thank you, thank you, my
goodness gracious. Back to you again, Craig. Well, this is
my standard disclaimer that none of us are healthcare professionals
and none of the advice that we give on this
show is meant to be interpreted. Uh. Ipocac has been
found to have minimal health benefits and is ultimately ineffective
at purging the body of poisonous substances. As the American

(49:38):
Society of Healthcare Professionals advises, epocac SARA no longer recommended
for routine management of outpatient ingestions of medications or other chemicals.
Thank you, Thank you for that as well as the
correct pronunciation. I'll appreciated epocacs. Yes, you gotta love every

(49:59):
word with cat. It's a great comedy part of a word.
James cak Heeney, thank you, thank you. I am so
glad that I got to get together today. I laughed
harder today than I have in a while. So um,
I'd say check out game Front, the website game front
dot com or the YouTube channel. Thank you for that.

(50:22):
Let's thank your engineering producers to the stars. Mr Drug
find folks that I hurt media from the Iman host
Kevin Pollack reminding you that we greatly appreciate your listenership,
your viewership, your involvement. We reached out and asked for

(50:42):
new scene suggestions because there was a a time when
that was needed. Is no longer needed. I repeat, back
off with your scene suggestions were good for a little
bit shocked by this information. Who yeah, yeah, my my

(51:04):
rudeness is appreciated by seventeen percent of our audience and
it's improven. Continue to write your reviews so James can
get off a ledge with the M sixteen and until
next time,