Make complete plans, even if they're tentative

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:15):
Today's tip is to make complete plans, even if they're tentative.
It's a lot easier to plan around something specific rather
than a nebulous plan like a walk on Thursday or
a quick chat Tuesday. Sometimes it's fine to be vague,
but it is good to be clear on exactly why

(00:38):
the vagueness is happening. I have learned over the years
that people often approach time differently. If you are listening
to this podcast, you'd probably like to plan things. You
like to know when, where, and with who things will
be happening. Some of your friends may be a bit
more oriented to letting their days unfold as they may

(01:02):
If you want to spend time with these people, this
can sometimes be tricky. You might get a plan from
them like we'll get a drink on Monday. Let's touch
base then, but what does this actually mean? Drinks Monday
evening with your friend could be five point fifteen near
her office, or eight o'clock near her apartment, or any
time and place in between. If you've got anything else

(01:25):
you are thinking of doing in the evening. This can
feel frustrating. Should you plan on going to the gym
after work or not? Can you make a plan to
check in with another friend by zoom at eight thirty
or no? Now?

Speaker 1 (01:39):
Obviously you could just make your other plans and then
let the first plan go if it conflicts. But most
people who really like to plan really don't like to
do that. So what can you do? If you have
friends who tend not to want to commit to specifics
in advance. One approach is to offer a draft, complete

(02:00):
plan that you can both hold loosely and firm up later.
For instance, if someone suggests walking together before work later
this week and you would like to make that happen,
you could say, how about I plan on us walking
at seven am Thursday morning in your neighborhood. If a
different time or place works better for you, let me know,

(02:20):
and hopefully that will work for me too. That way,
you create a specific anchor that will serve as your
mental model of the event for both of you. You
also get something specific on your calendar so you can
plan around it. If your friend wants to adjust the
time or place later, you can try, but you don't

(02:40):
have to hold the whole morning to accommodate every possible
time and place. Rather than you and your friend each
having separate working assumptions about what the plan is, the
draft complete plan you propose means you'll have a shared
understanding of time and place. Your friend will know, oh
she needs to communicate if she wants something different. Not

(03:05):
only do specific plans make it easier to schedule the
rest of your day, but I also find that specific
plans get forgotten less frequently than more nebulous plans. People
tend not to put things like drinks with Sarah Monday
evening in their calendar even because there's not a specific
time slot to put them in, So when Monday evening
rolls around, it is possible your friend may not even

(03:27):
remember your intention to get together. Much better to suggest
a draft, specific, complete plan so everybody records it and
so everybody who wants to can plan around it. Now,
I do understand that sometimes people have their reasons for
making more vague plans. Your friend doesn't actually know what

(03:51):
time she'll get off work. She really wants to see you,
but she's loathed to say six thirty and then have
to call and cancel if she can't leave yet at
that point. Now this may feel a little unfair to you,
but the vagueness is her compromise between her desires and
her reality. If you really want to get together with

(04:13):
a person with a job like that, you can decide
if you can live without arrangement. I will say that.
I also sometimes try to avoid making specific plans with
work calls to avoid my tendency to cut up the
day mentally with scheduled things. I have the personality type

(04:33):
where if something is scheduled for a specific time I
will move heaven and earth to make it happen at
that time, even though that's not always justified. So for
matters where I just need to connect at some point,
I might tell people to feel free to give me
a call when it works for them, and we will
try to figure it out. But obviously, if something is

(04:55):
truly important or urgent, I will make a specific plan.
I'm guessing you will too. Sometimes a lack of specificity
is because people don't really care enough. We'll just fine
in a way, but it's probably something to keep in mind.
If someone you know won't commit to a time, maybe
you just decide to enjoy seeing each other at events

(05:17):
you both happen to come to You don't need to
drive yourself crazy trying to make specific plans with someone
who doesn't like to be pinned down. In the meantime,
this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and here's to making
the most of our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast.

(05:47):
If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach
me at at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is
a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen

(06:09):
to your favorite shows.