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October 28, 2024 6 mins

See more of your friends by getting together a set number of times

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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
tip is that if you are aiming to get together
with friends more regularly, try your idea for a new
routine as a limited engagement. You can commit for a

(00:27):
short period of time and enjoy it while it lasts,
and then decide whether you want to stick with it
for longer or tweak things to make it better. So
I think most of us understand that few things in
life last forever. Sunday brunch with your girlfriends might last
for years, but you will probably not all move in

(00:50):
together in retirement Golden Girls style. Your Tuesday morning run
with your exercise buddy might last a decade, but then
when you're injured and somehow never resume, so it goes.
Something can be wonderful for a long time and then
you move on to something else, but few of us

(01:14):
consider the end when we are starting. I guess we
are natural optimists, But the problem is that sometimes we
don't try things because well we suspect we won't want
to do them forever. But you don't have to do
something forever. You can explicitly try it for a while
as a limited engagement. For instance, over at my substac newsletter,

(01:39):
which is called vander Hacks. By the way, I suggested
that if you are considering starting a book club, you
will agree with everyone that you will plan to meet
once a month for the next calendar year. After that,
you will regroup to figure out who wants to continue
and whether you'd like to tweak anything about the format.

(02:01):
Some people may opt to re up and others may not,
but nobody has the awkward experience of breaking up with
the club because they only signed up for a year
in the first place. The limited engagement makes starting and
deciding how to proceed a lot less fraud. In a

(02:23):
New York Times article, friendship coach Danielle Baard Jackson suggests
something similar, which is what she calls a limited series
with your friend. You pick an activity that lasts a
few weeks or months and brings you into more frequent
and more structured interaction. She gives the example of watching

(02:44):
a TV series and meeting up on zoom for fifteen
minutes after each episode to analyze it. The limited series
lets you test out more frequent interaction, so if you
like it, you can build it in longer term. But
even if you decide not to continue, the limited series

(03:05):
will have given you shared memories that you can look
back on. I think this is a great idea. Maybe
you don't want to join as Zoom TV Critics Club,
but you would like to take a ten week yoga
class with friends. You could try a weekly dinner club
for a month. Maybe you and some friends decide to

(03:25):
do an eight week training program together to get ready
for a ten k. You might arrange with several friends
to read a self improvement book together over the course
of a month or two and meet up weekly in
person or via zoom to discuss how you are implementing
what you learn. If you read one of my books,

(03:48):
let me know. Or maybe your limited engagement is with
a tennis partner you decide to play every Wednesday before
work until the end of the semester and then you
will take a break. Or you might rally a group
to rewatch the Pride and Prejudice mini series one episode
every Sunday night until you are finished. I'm sure you

(04:10):
could generate a long list of things you would like
to do with friends for a little while. Deciding to
participate in a limited engagement is a lot lower pressure
than well, the book club you are expected to be
in until you die, so it feels easier to say yes.
I hear from so many people that they want more

(04:32):
connection with friends. A recurring commitment can be a great
way to get that connection without the effort of planning
multiple one off experiences. With a limited engagement, you get
all the benefits of a recurring a commitment, but without
the potential for feeling awkward if the commitment starts to

(04:53):
feel like it's all obligation and no joy. I mean,
maybe your book club will last for a thousand years,
but it may also last for twelve sessions, which could
be just as good. In the meantime, this is Laura.
Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of

(05:17):
our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've
got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at
Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is a

(05:40):
production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows.

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Laura Vanderkam

Laura Vanderkam

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