Bonus: Dani's Listening, Episode 3

In this new bonus series, “Dani’s Listening”, Dani connects with listeners by responding to those who’ve called in to share their family secrets.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. Danny's
Listening is a bonus series brought to you by Family Secrets.

(00:26):
So I've been listening to Family Tickets for a long
time and I really enjoyed it. The day I heard
Danny's interview with Kelly and I thought, Okay, it's probably
time to deal with a huge secret that needs to
be shared. The backstory is that I was marriage for
many years, three children, wonderful wife. I was gay in

(00:49):
the closet, and my greatest fear was that somebody would
find out that I would be rejected. Well, they did
find out, because I was outed by my two sons
and my brother at one point about fifteen years ago.
It was a nightmare and traumatic. We got true it,
but for various reasons. Now there is estrangement between me

(01:11):
and my three children. Apart from that, about eight years ago,
I found out that my wife at the time and
been having an affair throughout the marriage. I suspected something,
but I had no right or room to say anything
given my own circumstances. My children don't know about this.
The point about if it's mentionable, it's manageable, And the

(01:34):
point about toxic waste made today both resonated with me.
I'm right now dealing with how to share this with
the kids. In the meantime, I'll keep listening. Thanks so much, Hi,
it's Danny. First of all, thanks for being such a

(01:56):
loyal listener. It's people like you who make sitting in
my basement and record reading this podcast such a deep pleasure,
knowing that it's landing where it's needed most. I'm glad
my conversation with Kelly Corrigan prompted you to call okay
onto the story you shared. It's such a striking example
of the way secrets grow and fester and become more

(02:18):
and more damaging the longer we keep them. You describe
your ex wife as wonderful. What a beautiful thing to
be able to say about someone with whom you've had
such a complicated relationship, and it's clear how much you
love your children. You say that your greatest fear during
your marriage was that somebody would find out and you'd
be rejected. We all have that secret fear that there's

(02:42):
something about us or within us, that if people knew,
they'd find unacceptable. I remember once years ago, when I
was teaching a large group of writers. I gave them
an exercise on the spot and asked them to write
their single biggest secret on a piece of paper that
afterwards could rip up or burn or fold away, do

(03:02):
whatever they wanted with no one would see it. And
nobody hesitated or looked at me with puzzlement. Everybody started writing,
because this is our human nature. The sad irony is
that those secrets are what keep us apart from the
people we love, and from ourselves from loving ourselves fully

(03:23):
and completely for who we are. Indeed, if it's mentionable,
it's manageable. So now there's estrangement between you and your
three children, and you're carrying this information that your wife
had been having an affair throughout your marriage, keeping a
secret of her own. You're wondering how to share this
with the kids. Have you talked with your ex wife

(03:45):
about it? Might she be able to share it with them?
I wonder if you're angry that while you were feeling
so trapped and guilty by your secret, you were also
married to someone who was living a lie. Maybe if
all this could be air it out, that traumatic nightmare,
as you describe it, could finally come to an end.

(04:05):
I know It won't be easy, and it may get
harder before it gets better. But I do believe that
ultimately we all want to connect with one another and
be freed of the toxic waste of anger, betrayal, and secrecy.
It hurts more to hold onto that stuff than to
let it go. I wish you luck, and I'll be

(04:26):
thinking of you. If you have a family secret story
you'd like to share on Danny's Listening, please call eight
eight eight Secret zero. That's eight eight S E c
R E T and the number zero