January 20, 2025 • 19 mins
Anticipatory grief is something we all experience, but what is it exactly? Anney and Samantha shine a lot on this frequently experienced but little-discussed emotional state.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
I'm holcome to stuff. I ever told you your production
of iHeart Radio?
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Okay, Annie, have you had one of those moments where
you start daydreaming and then start thinking of like the
worst case scenario in those day dreams, and then with that,
there's some tragic event that happens in your mind and
you start actually mourning something that really hasn't even happened.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I do do that, and I understand how it can
make things slip slip your mind. I do it pretty often.
I actually think I do it kind of like once
a day where I just start thinking, like, I know
I'm gonna have to deal with this one day, and
I know it's gonna be miserable. I really don't want
(00:59):
to deal with it. And then I feel bad because
in this case, I'm talking about my mom currently, I'm like,
you could just call her, like you're spending all this
time anticipating not having her and yet yeah calling her
right right. It's kind of a I mean, it's more
complicated than that, but it is kind of a strange
(01:19):
grief guilt spiral.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Mm hmmm. Actually, you were talking to about a lot
of the things that I want to jump into and
I'm very rushing, not very I guess I'm not because
I don't want to say I'm very excited or very
like enthusiastic like that, not at all, because this is
something that I think about and it hurts my heart,
and I will say go ahead and put this content. Warning,
we are talking about death and grief and there's a
(01:42):
lot to talk about, especially if you've dealt with death
death recently. If you're a caregiver of someone who is sick,
someone with any terminal illnesses, this is going to be
This could be a little hard, this can't this will
probably hard, I don't know, but just let you know.
And if you need to take some time and be like,
I'll come back to this completely understand. Do that for yourself,
(02:05):
because yeah, I had this moment of like, so when
my first dog, Bennington Zigler, Yes I named him Bennington Sigler,
his name from his previous owner who had died, and yeah,
that make puts me in to whole it for the
spiral had named him Benny, and of course I wasn't
going to change his name because he was a senior dog.
I think I was like nine or ten when I
(02:26):
adopted him, so I wasn't going to change his name,
but I was gonna add to it, give my own
lil flair. So his name was Bennington Zigler. When he died,
I had a really hard time with it. And sometimes
I start feeling really, really anxious about the death of
my current dog, Peaches. She is now ten, and she's
perfectly healthy. I'm gonna put that out there, but for
some reason, as I see her hairs turning a bit
(02:48):
whiter and having some eights and pains, like you know,
when she gets off the couch, she kind of like
limps a little bit to shake it off. This has
been new. I started really imagining what the end might
be with her and immediately start crying, Like my partner
has come in when I'm hugging my dog and bawling,
and he's like, what's happening, what's happening?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
And I'm like, I'm just imagining what it would be
like if she dies. When she dies, and I am
it's a constant. It's a constant in my head. And
because I had such a hard time when Biddy died,
there's a whole lot of things to that, and honestly,
Like I had her for a good three years, so
it wasn't long because he already had health issues, Like
I adopted a senior dog with lots of healthy issues,
(03:31):
but he lived a lot longer than people thought, so
I got attached very quickly. But when he died, I
was a mess for years. And I still am like
tearing up as I'm talking about him. That's how much
of attachment I have. And it took me years to
get a new dog or another dog because I was
just in so much like I can't I can't replace him.
I can't go through this again, like all of those things.
(03:53):
So as she is getting older and I've had her
for nine years now, so like there's nothing that I like.
I take her to the doctor every year, get all
the checkouts, do all the extra things. Right now, she's
in perfect health, so there's no reason other than the
fact that I'm watching her age and just have this
whole trauma of losing my dog previously, which is nature.
(04:15):
Of course, this is nothing new, and I'm not the
only one that goes through this. In fact, this is
called anticipatory grief, and many, if not all, people I'm
gonna put that blanket statement out experience. This from veryhealth
dot Com. They say anticipatory grief is a state of deep,
painful sorrow that occurs before and impending loss. It can
(04:37):
affect people facing the impending death of a loved one
or their own death. Which I have that I dream
of my own death or not, I guess a daydream
of my own death. I've dreamed it. Actually, I've dreamed
about my death too.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
I worry that I'll die before my mom does, which,
by the way, I just want to say, my mom
is also in good health, so she knows. She's much
better than me about like getting things checked out. But
I'm worried that I'll die first, and not because just
because I know how much that would hurt.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Her, right, yeah, right, And I think about that too,
So the article continues. Anticipatory grief is defined as grief
that occurs before a loss. The term is often used
in the context of death, but can encompass the impending
loss of things not related to death. Anticipatory grief is
common both among caregivers and those being cared for, often
(05:30):
occurring simultaneously. Anticipatory grief is more than just normal grieving
that starts early so it's a thing. Many people have
dealt with this, counselors deal with this, and everybody talks
about it. It's just not often named. I know, sometimes
I feel like I'm doing too much or being dramatic
(05:50):
when i feel these ways, but it's very common. Interestingly,
according to the article, which by the way, is titled
what is Anticipatory Grief? Written by doctor Lynnete Eldridge, they
state that younger people are more affected. It says younger
people tend to experience anticipatory grief more often and more traumatically,
in part because they have experienced lost less often than
(06:13):
an older person and may have a more conceptual view
of death. So in one of the ways they are
talking about like they see death as the final end,
and so the final end seems so scary and doomish
that they will may have it more traumatically, which I
don't know if we all feel that. Don't get me wrong,
(06:35):
of course, the reasons for anticipatory grief is different for everyone.
I've had many conversations with my friends who have parents
who are getting older talking about the fear of losing
a parent as well. So what you were just talking
about with you with your mom. But like when we
see things that have like health scares, which are more
(06:55):
commonly happening to older people, that really puts us in
a moment of like trauma, a traumatic response of waiting
and thinking the worst case scenario, which is what I
do often. And like, my father just went through a
health scare and we're on the other end of it.
But at the beginning, I was spiraling, spiraling to the
(07:18):
point that I would see my father every week, and
that was not something that I do, kind of like
just in case moment, which is awful, which is awful
because it shouldn't be like that. But we talked about
this and for those who have already had to grieve
one parent or someone that are parental figures or very
close to them in family or just in life, are
(07:39):
often traumatized by the experience and also have to work
through their anticipatory grief in a different setting. So having
lost one is so easy to be scared or you're
so traumatized and triggered and scared for your other people
as well in your life. So it can be more
on that note, And there's a difference between anticipatory grief
(08:00):
and grief after death from adorationhealth dot Com. They write,
while anticipatory grief is very similar to grief after death,
there could also be a lot of differences in the experience.
In grief after death, you are facing a loss that
has already occurred and must figure out how you're going
to move forward in your new reality. In anticipatory grief,
you know you will have to face this loss at
(08:21):
some point in the future, but you can't know for
sure when it will occur. You're in sort of and
in between state where your loved one is still there,
but you know your time with them may be limited.
This feeling can be more severe for some because you're
trying to wrap your head around the idea of life
without this person while they're still here. And again, that conversation,
(08:42):
especially for those who are caretakers for terminally ill or
elderly parents, is different because you're having to actually go
back and forth with it and having to make plans.
Even like I think you were talking about it, my
partner is going through it. I'm sure I'll have a
conversation with my parents, but I'm the youngest, so it
might be different. But the parents or the older generations
(09:04):
getting ready as well, and so having to prep you
for the aftermath, and that's really hard to think on.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
It is, I mean, and it's so important. I'm a
big believer in it because I have been with people
who someone has died and they didn't talk about any
of that. But it is painful because it's like acknowledging
often in like tangible here's the will, here's like getting
(09:34):
rid of this stuff already in the house, here's what
I want you to do. It's just like a kind
of having a very tangible Okay, I am going to
have to deal with this one.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Day, right, And it's even harder for those who are
the responsible ones. Again, I'm the youngest of I don't
have that, which I'm grateful for. But you know, my
partner and yourself are the responsible one of the family.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Mm hmmmm.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
So it makes it a little different, especially when it's
constantly brought up to you just a whole thing.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Yeah, well, look, not to get into I won't. But
also I've talked about before, I don't have the best
relationship with my brothers, so I'm also anticipating that, yeah,
making it more difficult. Yeah, Yeah, it's just a lot.
It's a lot to think about.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
It is. It is a lot And back to that
very well helped dot Com article, they write an discipatory
grief is sometimes described as a rollercoaster because you can
shift back and forth between feelings of distress for several
(10:47):
days and feelings of normalcy for several days. There may
also be a part of you clinging to the hope
that the diagnosis is wrong, booying you at one moment
and triggering intense anxiety at another. With conventional grief, your
emotions and actions are reactive. With anticipatory grief, your emotions
and actions are largely proactive. So there's definitely that roller coaster.
(11:08):
And again, this is a lot more like talking about
working with people as a caretaker, watching people getting to
that point or wondering if it's coming. So a lot
of that has that moment, especially, and you talked about
the fact that you feel guilty when you do have
a normal day if something does feel wrong, Like it's
just so many different levels to that conversation because you're grieving.
(11:33):
But are you allowed to smile when you're grieving? You know?
And if you're with someone who is sick and not healthy,
are you supposed to be grieving? But you're you know,
like so many things, so one of the biggest group
of people that are affected by this type of grief. Again,
if we said our caregiver verse, and with the fact
that women make up like eighty one percent of being
caregivers for older people, and this is according to Commonwealth Fund,
(11:57):
it shouldn't be surprising women are more likely to experience
this type of anticipatory grief. And in fact, they talked
about also how a lot of the women, I think
like forty percent that one survey showed of women was
really really struggling with this anticipatory grief, especially like they
were I think caregivers of terminal cancer family members, and
(12:17):
that anticipatory grief really weighing so heavily on them that
that was more stifling than those who was going through
the grief at times. That makes sense, meaning like because
the waiting and holding on and just the anticipation or
the fear of losing that person becomes more overwhelming sometimes
(12:38):
and how a lot of these women really feel like
this is that was so much harder than the actual loss.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Well, I think another thing too is I uh, one
of my friend's dad died pretty suddenly and his mom
had largely been taken care of, like he was ill,
but it wasn't like he's going to die any day
like but anyway, she he had a pretty strict diet,
(13:05):
and she gave him like kind of a sort of gumbo,
and he died the next day, and I just remember
her thinking like if I hadn't given him the gumbo,
like having that, Like I think when you're in that
anticipatory stage, you're you're thinking like, oh, maybe I can
fix this, or if I do something wrong, like I
(13:25):
can maybe I can make this better. And then once
once the person is gone, you don't have that anymore.
But I do think that's a unique part of the
anticipatory part, is like you were thinking maybe if I
do this, maybe if I do this, and then afterwards
you might still have those questions, but it doesn't have
(13:48):
the same like unknown that's a weighing on you.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Right right for sure. And there's a lot in that
conversation about the guilt and in this and that as
I one of the symptoms, so here are and I didn't.
There's like tons obviously there's tons single worded how you're
feeling all these different ones. A couple of them are anxiety, guilt, dread,
and worry. Obviously one of them is the rehearsal of death.
And again this is from the very well minded, and
(14:15):
I think, yeah, I definitely think of this. You may
be visualizing what it will be like without your loved one.
If you are dying, you may be imagining how your
loved ones will carry on without you. Again, you might
not be sick. That person or that pet may not
be sick, but you're still imagining this because you're anticipating
(14:36):
all of this, and it becomes Sometimes it can be
overwhelming and you do it too often. I say this again,
this applies to pet owners like myself from APLB dot org,
which I think they're like a therapy thing for pet
owners and also like works with pets. I don't know anyway.
(14:56):
It says while anticipatory grief commonly occurs when faced with
the news of serious illness, terminal diagnosis, or the realization
that your pet is in significant decline, it may also
be experienced as early as the first signs of aging.
Christie Lehman MSWLSW shares that changes related to advancing age
may represent a series of many losses as time goes on.
(15:19):
For example, as the dog ages and her arthritis worsens,
she may one day no longer be able to go
for her daily walk, climb stairs, or chase the ball.
As pets age, the changes and activities of daily living
represent endings. They remind us that our pets end of
life is drawing nearer. We grieve each of these various
losses along the way, ultimately leading to the day when
(15:40):
we realize that we will soon be saying goodbye. It
is heartbreaking. Anticipatory grief will be felt more deeply in
those highly bonded with their pets. Additionally, anticipatory grief may
be experienced more profoundly with caregivers whose pets share links, connections,
or memories to other people or animals that have died
the thought of losing their present pet may feel like
(16:01):
losing that person or pet all over again, compounding the
anticipatory grief reactions. I am sad right now. Yeah, but
all of those things are very real. And again, like
I'm talking about pets, but we know this is common
for anything. Loss is loss, and it's hard, especially when
you're attached or that's a part of your daily routine.
(16:22):
There's so much to this and I think we're like,
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, but
I still don't want to experience it. And just so
you know, they also have from very well minded some
maybe benefits of having this. One is that they are
able to confront their fears rather than avoid them. Another
(16:46):
is being able to say goodbye if you do get
that chance. Another was to make preparations for their life
moving forward. So all of these things can be benefits,
but it's still not great. We don't want it, would
rather not, We would rather not. Let's be way Let's
be way way clear on that. So how are some
(17:07):
ways to cope with that? Because you know, we always
got to end with something at least like let's help
out here, share your feelings openly. I think like again
having more conversations, although when people get too open and
tell me too many details, I started freaking out a
little bit. I will say Reddit, there was a Reddit
post where someone came in and was talking about that
and like, I feel this way, my pet is perfectly healthy,
(17:28):
but I'm really sad. And then all these people came
in giving such great advice, geting heart warming stories a
little too close to like being too real talking about Yeah,
I just lost my pet yesterday, so I'm like, ah,
I can't read all these things, but the community in
that specific post was really sweet and really kind and
getting caring, so that was nice to see. They also
(17:50):
say maintain hope and yeah, like if you can sometimes
getting in the right head to actually get things prepared
that can be helpful. One from kinship dot com about
pet lifestyle. It says let your grief come, let cry
if you can, and it talks about also if you
(18:11):
have a grieving friend, to listen and to be there
for them. So there's a lot. Thank you for going
down this sad, sad journey with me, and I'm sorry
to put this in, but it's been on my mind
lately because I will say, bursting out crying every now
and then when I look at my pet. Not a
fun hobby.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
No, it's it's tough. It really is. It really is. Well,
certainly a lot more we could talk about with this.
Sure listeners have some thoughts about this, because yeah, I
think everybody experiences it.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
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(19:07):
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Hey, this is Annie and Samantha.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
I'm holcome to stuff. I ever told you your production
of iHeart Radio?
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Okay, Annie, have you had one of those moments where
you start daydreaming and then start thinking of like the
worst case scenario in those day dreams, and then with that,
there's some tragic event that happens in your mind and
you start actually mourning something that really hasn't even happened.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I do do that, and I understand how it can
make things slip slip your mind. I do it pretty often.
I actually think I do it kind of like once
a day where I just start thinking, like, I know
I'm gonna have to deal with this one day, and
I know it's gonna be miserable. I really don't want
(00:59):
to deal with it. And then I feel bad because
in this case, I'm talking about my mom currently, I'm like,
you could just call her, like you're spending all this
time anticipating not having her and yet yeah calling her
right right. It's kind of a I mean, it's more
complicated than that, but it is kind of a strange
(01:19):
grief guilt spiral.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Mm hmmm. Actually, you were talking to about a lot
of the things that I want to jump into and
I'm very rushing, not very I guess I'm not because
I don't want to say I'm very excited or very
like enthusiastic like that, not at all, because this is
something that I think about and it hurts my heart,
and I will say go ahead and put this content. Warning,
we are talking about death and grief and there's a
(01:42):
lot to talk about, especially if you've dealt with death
death recently. If you're a caregiver of someone who is sick,
someone with any terminal illnesses, this is going to be
This could be a little hard, this can't this will
probably hard, I don't know, but just let you know.
And if you need to take some time and be like,
I'll come back to this completely understand. Do that for yourself,
(02:05):
because yeah, I had this moment of like, so when
my first dog, Bennington Zigler, Yes I named him Bennington Sigler,
his name from his previous owner who had died, and yeah,
that make puts me in to whole it for the
spiral had named him Benny, and of course I wasn't
going to change his name because he was a senior dog.
I think I was like nine or ten when I
(02:26):
adopted him, so I wasn't going to change his name,
but I was gonna add to it, give my own
lil flair. So his name was Bennington Zigler. When he died,
I had a really hard time with it. And sometimes
I start feeling really, really anxious about the death of
my current dog, Peaches. She is now ten, and she's
perfectly healthy. I'm gonna put that out there, but for
some reason, as I see her hairs turning a bit
(02:48):
whiter and having some eights and pains, like you know,
when she gets off the couch, she kind of like
limps a little bit to shake it off. This has
been new. I started really imagining what the end might
be with her and immediately start crying, Like my partner
has come in when I'm hugging my dog and bawling,
and he's like, what's happening, what's happening?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
And I'm like, I'm just imagining what it would be
like if she dies. When she dies, and I am
it's a constant. It's a constant in my head. And
because I had such a hard time when Biddy died,
there's a whole lot of things to that, and honestly,
Like I had her for a good three years, so
it wasn't long because he already had health issues, Like
I adopted a senior dog with lots of healthy issues,
(03:31):
but he lived a lot longer than people thought, so
I got attached very quickly. But when he died, I
was a mess for years. And I still am like
tearing up as I'm talking about him. That's how much
of attachment I have. And it took me years to
get a new dog or another dog because I was
just in so much like I can't I can't replace him.
I can't go through this again, like all of those things.
(03:53):
So as she is getting older and I've had her
for nine years now, so like there's nothing that I like.
I take her to the doctor every year, get all
the checkouts, do all the extra things. Right now, she's
in perfect health, so there's no reason other than the
fact that I'm watching her age and just have this
whole trauma of losing my dog previously, which is nature.
(04:15):
Of course, this is nothing new, and I'm not the
only one that goes through this. In fact, this is
called anticipatory grief, and many, if not all, people I'm
gonna put that blanket statement out experience. This from veryhealth
dot Com. They say anticipatory grief is a state of deep,
painful sorrow that occurs before and impending loss. It can
(04:37):
affect people facing the impending death of a loved one
or their own death. Which I have that I dream
of my own death or not, I guess a daydream
of my own death. I've dreamed it. Actually, I've dreamed
about my death too.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
I worry that I'll die before my mom does, which,
by the way, I just want to say, my mom
is also in good health, so she knows. She's much
better than me about like getting things checked out. But
I'm worried that I'll die first, and not because just
because I know how much that would hurt.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Her, right, yeah, right, And I think about that too,
So the article continues. Anticipatory grief is defined as grief
that occurs before a loss. The term is often used
in the context of death, but can encompass the impending
loss of things not related to death. Anticipatory grief is
common both among caregivers and those being cared for, often
(05:30):
occurring simultaneously. Anticipatory grief is more than just normal grieving
that starts early so it's a thing. Many people have
dealt with this, counselors deal with this, and everybody talks
about it. It's just not often named. I know, sometimes
I feel like I'm doing too much or being dramatic
(05:50):
when i feel these ways, but it's very common. Interestingly,
according to the article, which by the way, is titled
what is Anticipatory Grief? Written by doctor Lynnete Eldridge, they
state that younger people are more affected. It says younger
people tend to experience anticipatory grief more often and more traumatically,
in part because they have experienced lost less often than
(06:13):
an older person and may have a more conceptual view
of death. So in one of the ways they are
talking about like they see death as the final end,
and so the final end seems so scary and doomish
that they will may have it more traumatically, which I
don't know if we all feel that. Don't get me wrong,
(06:35):
of course, the reasons for anticipatory grief is different for everyone.
I've had many conversations with my friends who have parents
who are getting older talking about the fear of losing
a parent as well. So what you were just talking
about with you with your mom. But like when we
see things that have like health scares, which are more
(06:55):
commonly happening to older people, that really puts us in
a moment of like trauma, a traumatic response of waiting
and thinking the worst case scenario, which is what I
do often. And like, my father just went through a
health scare and we're on the other end of it.
But at the beginning, I was spiraling, spiraling to the
(07:18):
point that I would see my father every week, and
that was not something that I do, kind of like
just in case moment, which is awful, which is awful
because it shouldn't be like that. But we talked about
this and for those who have already had to grieve
one parent or someone that are parental figures or very
close to them in family or just in life, are
(07:39):
often traumatized by the experience and also have to work
through their anticipatory grief in a different setting. So having
lost one is so easy to be scared or you're
so traumatized and triggered and scared for your other people
as well in your life. So it can be more
on that note, And there's a difference between anticipatory grief
(08:00):
and grief after death from adorationhealth dot Com. They write,
while anticipatory grief is very similar to grief after death,
there could also be a lot of differences in the experience.
In grief after death, you are facing a loss that
has already occurred and must figure out how you're going
to move forward in your new reality. In anticipatory grief,
you know you will have to face this loss at
(08:21):
some point in the future, but you can't know for
sure when it will occur. You're in sort of and
in between state where your loved one is still there,
but you know your time with them may be limited.
This feeling can be more severe for some because you're
trying to wrap your head around the idea of life
without this person while they're still here. And again, that conversation,
(08:42):
especially for those who are caretakers for terminally ill or
elderly parents, is different because you're having to actually go
back and forth with it and having to make plans.
Even like I think you were talking about it, my
partner is going through it. I'm sure I'll have a
conversation with my parents, but I'm the youngest, so it
might be different. But the parents or the older generations
(09:04):
getting ready as well, and so having to prep you
for the aftermath, and that's really hard to think on.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
It is, I mean, and it's so important. I'm a
big believer in it because I have been with people
who someone has died and they didn't talk about any
of that. But it is painful because it's like acknowledging
often in like tangible here's the will, here's like getting
(09:34):
rid of this stuff already in the house, here's what
I want you to do. It's just like a kind
of having a very tangible Okay, I am going to
have to deal with this one.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Day, right, And it's even harder for those who are
the responsible ones. Again, I'm the youngest of I don't
have that, which I'm grateful for. But you know, my
partner and yourself are the responsible one of the family.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Mm hmmmm.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
So it makes it a little different, especially when it's
constantly brought up to you just a whole thing.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Yeah, well, look, not to get into I won't. But
also I've talked about before, I don't have the best
relationship with my brothers, so I'm also anticipating that, yeah,
making it more difficult. Yeah, Yeah, it's just a lot.
It's a lot to think about.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
It is. It is a lot And back to that
very well helped dot Com article, they write an discipatory
grief is sometimes described as a rollercoaster because you can
shift back and forth between feelings of distress for several
(10:47):
days and feelings of normalcy for several days. There may
also be a part of you clinging to the hope
that the diagnosis is wrong, booying you at one moment
and triggering intense anxiety at another. With conventional grief, your
emotions and actions are reactive. With anticipatory grief, your emotions
and actions are largely proactive. So there's definitely that roller coaster.
(11:08):
And again, this is a lot more like talking about
working with people as a caretaker, watching people getting to
that point or wondering if it's coming. So a lot
of that has that moment, especially, and you talked about
the fact that you feel guilty when you do have
a normal day if something does feel wrong, Like it's
just so many different levels to that conversation because you're grieving.
(11:33):
But are you allowed to smile when you're grieving? You know?
And if you're with someone who is sick and not healthy,
are you supposed to be grieving? But you're you know,
like so many things, so one of the biggest group
of people that are affected by this type of grief. Again,
if we said our caregiver verse, and with the fact
that women make up like eighty one percent of being
caregivers for older people, and this is according to Commonwealth Fund,
(11:57):
it shouldn't be surprising women are more likely to experience
this type of anticipatory grief. And in fact, they talked
about also how a lot of the women, I think
like forty percent that one survey showed of women was
really really struggling with this anticipatory grief, especially like they
were I think caregivers of terminal cancer family members, and
(12:17):
that anticipatory grief really weighing so heavily on them that
that was more stifling than those who was going through
the grief at times. That makes sense, meaning like because
the waiting and holding on and just the anticipation or
the fear of losing that person becomes more overwhelming sometimes
(12:38):
and how a lot of these women really feel like
this is that was so much harder than the actual loss.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Well, I think another thing too is I uh, one
of my friend's dad died pretty suddenly and his mom
had largely been taken care of, like he was ill,
but it wasn't like he's going to die any day
like but anyway, she he had a pretty strict diet,
(13:05):
and she gave him like kind of a sort of gumbo,
and he died the next day, and I just remember
her thinking like if I hadn't given him the gumbo,
like having that, Like I think when you're in that
anticipatory stage, you're you're thinking like, oh, maybe I can
fix this, or if I do something wrong, like I
(13:25):
can maybe I can make this better. And then once
once the person is gone, you don't have that anymore.
But I do think that's a unique part of the
anticipatory part, is like you were thinking maybe if I
do this, maybe if I do this, and then afterwards
you might still have those questions, but it doesn't have
(13:48):
the same like unknown that's a weighing on you.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Right right for sure. And there's a lot in that
conversation about the guilt and in this and that as
I one of the symptoms, so here are and I didn't.
There's like tons obviously there's tons single worded how you're
feeling all these different ones. A couple of them are anxiety, guilt, dread,
and worry. Obviously one of them is the rehearsal of death.
And again this is from the very well minded, and
(14:15):
I think, yeah, I definitely think of this. You may
be visualizing what it will be like without your loved one.
If you are dying, you may be imagining how your
loved ones will carry on without you. Again, you might
not be sick. That person or that pet may not
be sick, but you're still imagining this because you're anticipating
(14:36):
all of this, and it becomes Sometimes it can be
overwhelming and you do it too often. I say this again,
this applies to pet owners like myself from APLB dot org,
which I think they're like a therapy thing for pet
owners and also like works with pets. I don't know anyway.
(14:56):
It says while anticipatory grief commonly occurs when faced with
the news of serious illness, terminal diagnosis, or the realization
that your pet is in significant decline, it may also
be experienced as early as the first signs of aging.
Christie Lehman MSWLSW shares that changes related to advancing age
may represent a series of many losses as time goes on.
(15:19):
For example, as the dog ages and her arthritis worsens,
she may one day no longer be able to go
for her daily walk, climb stairs, or chase the ball.
As pets age, the changes and activities of daily living
represent endings. They remind us that our pets end of
life is drawing nearer. We grieve each of these various
losses along the way, ultimately leading to the day when
(15:40):
we realize that we will soon be saying goodbye. It
is heartbreaking. Anticipatory grief will be felt more deeply in
those highly bonded with their pets. Additionally, anticipatory grief may
be experienced more profoundly with caregivers whose pets share links, connections,
or memories to other people or animals that have died
the thought of losing their present pet may feel like
(16:01):
losing that person or pet all over again, compounding the
anticipatory grief reactions. I am sad right now. Yeah, but
all of those things are very real. And again, like
I'm talking about pets, but we know this is common
for anything. Loss is loss, and it's hard, especially when
you're attached or that's a part of your daily routine.
(16:22):
There's so much to this and I think we're like,
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, but
I still don't want to experience it. And just so
you know, they also have from very well minded some
maybe benefits of having this. One is that they are
able to confront their fears rather than avoid them. Another
(16:46):
is being able to say goodbye if you do get
that chance. Another was to make preparations for their life
moving forward. So all of these things can be benefits,
but it's still not great. We don't want it, would
rather not, We would rather not. Let's be way Let's
be way way clear on that. So how are some
(17:07):
ways to cope with that? Because you know, we always
got to end with something at least like let's help
out here, share your feelings openly. I think like again
having more conversations, although when people get too open and
tell me too many details, I started freaking out a
little bit. I will say Reddit, there was a Reddit
post where someone came in and was talking about that
and like, I feel this way, my pet is perfectly healthy,
(17:28):
but I'm really sad. And then all these people came
in giving such great advice, geting heart warming stories a
little too close to like being too real talking about Yeah,
I just lost my pet yesterday, so I'm like, ah,
I can't read all these things, but the community in
that specific post was really sweet and really kind and
getting caring, so that was nice to see. They also
(17:50):
say maintain hope and yeah, like if you can sometimes
getting in the right head to actually get things prepared
that can be helpful. One from kinship dot com about
pet lifestyle. It says let your grief come, let cry
if you can, and it talks about also if you
(18:11):
have a grieving friend, to listen and to be there
for them. So there's a lot. Thank you for going
down this sad, sad journey with me, and I'm sorry
to put this in, but it's been on my mind
lately because I will say, bursting out crying every now
and then when I look at my pet. Not a
fun hobby.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
No, it's it's tough. It really is. It really is. Well,
certainly a lot more we could talk about with this.
Sure listeners have some thoughts about this, because yeah, I
think everybody experiences it.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
If you would like to contact us, you can. You
can email us at Stephane amount of Stuff at I
hurtnea dot com or Hello at stuffwomnevertold you dot com.
You can find us on Blue Sky, at momsa podcast,
or on Instagram and tiktoks and stuff when Told You.
We have a YouTube page, we have a tea public store,
and we have a book you can get wherever you
get your books. Thanks as always too, our super producer,
(19:07):
Senior executive producer, my anti contributor Joey, Thank you and
thanks to you for listening. Steffan Never Told You is
production of by Heart Radio. For more podcast my heart Radio,
you can check out the heart Radio app, Apple podcast
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