Monday Mini: Romanticizing Domestic Violence

Recent media has once again kickstarted a conversation around the responsibility of depicting domestic violence. We talk about some examples, and why its important that we talk about it.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Andy and Samantha, and welcome to stuff
I've never told your prediction, I heard you.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
And welcome to another Monday mini where I'm gonna start
with a content warning because I like to be sad anyway.
Content warning, we are talking about domestic of violence and
abuse and its patrol in media. We're also going to
talk about some celebrity beef. That's not content warning, but
just you know, to let you know because recently, the

(00:40):
movie adaptation of the book It Ends with Us has
been all over my social media pages, but not because
they're trying to advertise the movie to me or even
like give me a review of it, and I will
tell you I have never heard of this until now,
like I've not heard of the book. I have not

(01:01):
heard of any of this until recently. And it's mainly
because they have criticisms of the stars. So if you
don't know, Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni are the two
that are starring in this movie that I know the
most of. I know Jenny Slat is somewhere up in here.
I don't quite know who is what. Like I'm again,
so I'm gonna go ahead with this right here. I

(01:24):
know nothing about this book nor about this movie. I
know some of the context, and I know a lot
of the drama that's happening around movie. But with that,
it did bring out a topic that we're constantly talking about.
I feel like all the time we've talked about it
with Twilight, and we'll end up talking about it when
we finish up Twilight that we still love, but how

(01:47):
media often profits and portrays domestic violence and how it's romanticized.
So I think we also need to remember that they
oftentimes talk about these really serious subjects with that out
understanding or giving an understanding of the full context or
even the consequences of using the subject as a plot

(02:07):
device or a plot line. And I think that's something
that we want to talk about. Again, this is not
a specific criticism about the book or the movie. I
have yet to see it. I probably will never see it.
I'll just I'm sure i'll get clips here and there
from people whatever, whatnot. If you've read the book, let
me know there's a lot of controversy behind that. There's
a lot of controversy behind Colleen Hoover, the author of

(02:29):
the book, and just Ady just for the gossip bit,
I'll tell you you ready for it. So apparently Blake Lively,
who is the producer, and then Justin Baldoni is in
it as well. She's a producer and she's a star.
He's also a star in it, but I think he
directed the movie version. And something has happened where everybody's

(02:51):
gossiping that they're either team Blake Lively or team Justin Baldoni,
and they're saying that Justin Baldoni is looking at this
movie as a domestic violence subject rather, and he's taking
it very seriously and making sure the way he approaches
it versus Blake Lively, who's coming in and seeing this
as a ya romantic movie rom com, if you will,

(03:14):
and so approaching it very differently, even to the fact
that in one interview that has been circulating pretty loudly,
the dude who's interviewing her says something along the lines of,
you know, I'm sure you know that you're going to
get a lot of fans coming up to you after

(03:34):
this movie and asking you questions or advice. What would
you say to those who have been in similar DV situations?
And her response was very odd and went to, like, oh,
you mean, like give him my address, given my phone number,
given my direct contact. Like she was really on the
defensive to the point that everybody was uncomfortable except for
her because they were like, ha, no, that was that

(03:58):
was a real question, what is happening. So there's been
so many criticisms to her, specifically saying you were not
handling this well. We know that you're not the arbiter
of the answers for domestic violence victims, but you know,
it's reasonable to believe that people are going to see
you and think that you are trying to portray something

(04:19):
that they may have gone through similar things that they've
gone through, or are going to ask you advice and
or you know, questions about this. And she followed up
afterwards with Instagram stories saying, you know, we want to
dedicate this to all the victims and whatever whatnot, and
they are so strong and we know that they are
and if you are a victim of domestic violence, called

(04:39):
this link whatever whatnot as where Justin Baldoni immediately has
been on the We want to make sure we portray
this correctly. Again, I might be on just one side
of TikTok, but this is what I've gathered. We want
you know that the women they know that who have
gone through this know that we were with them and
we want to stand for them. And all these things,
and like has had a link to who likes resources

(05:01):
for domestic violence victims and survivors. So all these things,
so all these drama, drama, drama, drama, which made me
wonder about this situation. And when the book initially published
there were back and forth. There was a skating review
for the book as well, and here is one from

(05:21):
Cosmo or Cosmopolitan. It says, hoovery and plot typically kicks
off with a relationship problem that drives the protagonist away
like an ugly love, and these are all books that
she's written. I believe. The boyfriend character then uses physical
abuse and manipulation to get his partner to stay see
November ninth the book. The main character very easily forgives
her partner for his dangerous transgressions without merit. The book

(05:45):
is just one example, and the boyfriend rarely, if ever
apologizes for his harm, like in It Ends with Us. Now.
You could easily argue that these books are fiction and
should be treated as such, but Colleen Hoover's books are
extremely popular and an impression on young women, Whover's primary
audience by casually portraying abuse as quote just how a

(06:06):
relationship is supposed to look. This is the main reason
it's worrying that It Ends with Us is getting a
film adaptation. Given this book's popularity, it doesn't come as
much of a surprise that Justin Baldoni he apparently was
the director of Five Feet Apart, and Blake Lively happily
joined the project. It Ends with Us follows the story
of Lily Bloom and her doomed relationship with Ryle Kincaid.

(06:29):
It traces a Lily's life from her childhood in an
abusive home, to adulthood in an abusive relationship, and her
eventual escape from this tragic cycle, with Blake being the
epitome of an it girl. You know the theaters will
be filled with teens. So this was before it was
actually filmed. In these comments, these new comments have kind

(06:50):
of done exactly what this article was afraid of. That
this is emphasized in a way. Now I will say
there were women who watched this movie and said, I
relate to this, this is my story and was very
very excited to see it, or I'm not excited but hopeful.
I guess that the message was being spread. But their
response was that Colleen Hoover and Blake Lively's response were

(07:14):
not good and did not give the seriousness that it
should have been attributed to. They really felt like they
dropped the ball in with how this could have been handled. Again,
that one interview that I watched with Blake Lively was
really odd that she got on the defensive instead of
talking about, well, these are you know, these are amazing women.
I don't know. I couldn't even be in their shoes honestly,

(07:35):
and I know it's a big honor that I can
portray this for them point blankly, even if you have
no experience whatsoever, and that that's all you really needed
to say, or even if you have, like you know,
soch a complicated subject. Playing this role was difficult, but
I hope I honored them that could be just like
they didn't even you know, she didn't even need to
give resourcesm or stuff, because let's be honest, actors are actors.

(07:57):
They're not necessarily someone who know exactly what's happening. They
don't understand the depth of their role. It's a job
get I get that but she's also an executive producer,
so it kind of is to like, you know, you
took on a big charge. This is your movie. You
need to understand. Just beyond that, it was successful. And

(08:27):
another part of the backlash to this was apparently Colleen
Hoover was going to do a coloring book based on
the story. And here's a quote from SLAT about that.
It says the negative response was swift and overwhelming for
obvious reasons. It ends with us is a book about
domestic violence. Hoover detractors who say she romanticizes abusers how
do a new weapon in their arsenal? How can Hoover

(08:49):
pretend she takes the subject matter seriously while creating QC
juvenile merchandise. Only twenty four hours after the coloring book's
publication was announced, it was canceled do to pushbacks from
both fans and critics. So here's another part to this.
Colleen Hoover does have experience with her mother being in
an abuse victim her father. I guess her father was

(09:12):
the abuser. Here's a little from her campus dot com.
The afterward of Hoover's book is also very important. Colleen
discloses in her afterward that she herself is a child
of an abusive relationship. The author's own personal story as
an extra layer and personal struggle to Ryle and Lily's story.
Hoover thinks and applauds her mom for leaving her dad
to ensure she grew up in a healthy, safe, non

(09:34):
abusive household. Hoover's mom ended her cycle of abuse to
ensure it didn't carry through into her daughter's life. This
is mirrored in Lily's story, and Colleen reminds us once
again of the complexities of domestic abuse. While Colleen Hoover's
own mother and her character Lily eventually do leave their abusers,
a lot of women do not. Many remain with their

(09:55):
abusers because they're not just abusers. They are their husband's
boyfriend's fathers. They are someone they love and who they
believe loves them. It is far more complicated than just leaving,
and to pretend otherwise is disingenuous. So I feel like
that article was specific to saying that this is this
is a question like is this book an actual romanticization

(10:16):
of abuse? So the way that the story, if I
had not known anything about the drama, the celebrity drama
if you will, to the point that like Baldoni has
hired a crisis pr crew apparently, Like I don't know,
these could be just rumors. I'm just really caught up
in celebrity gossip. I don't know why. But had I

(10:37):
not known that the advertisements that, because there are a
few that I have seen, would make me think this
is a funny, romantic comedy with maybe a splice of drama,
and you know, like not knowing what that drama is,
I will say I think like Ryan Reynolds, her husband
has come on to rewrite scenes, and the way they

(10:58):
come together to again ties the movie does make it
seem very lighthearted. At one point, there's another male actor
who gets along really well with Blake Lively and have
been a part of all of her publicity. Junk Is
like he's been a part of it. Like there was
a little quit where Ryan Reynolds gets to like interview
him and being like, oh, I see you're my wife's

(11:18):
love interests. But I also have you know, like being
quirky and silly and like almost like a crossover for
Wolverine Dead, pulling Wolverine with that movie. Like I've seen
a lot of that, but it turns out the stories
about fleeing domestic violence and I'm like, wow, I would
have never I would have never known what that was.
And that's really complicated because how triggering could that be

(11:42):
for so many who do not know anything about this? Again,
like I said, I'm one of the few that it not.
And then that complicated question, that conversation that we continue
to have about why it's okay to profit off of
these traumatic experience is without taking any responsibility in what

(12:05):
they produce. Again, like I am all about get your money,
take your story, do what you need to is for
you. You know you have that right. So I have no
problem with Colleen Hoover doing what she needs to do
through her own trauma. But you also need to be
aware when you make it big and you sell it
to audiences and ask audiences to accept this and fans

(12:28):
to accept this and to love this and take this
as something as a part of their heart, you know
what I mean, like to love it as much as
they do. You have to actually be responsible and helping
to create a safe space for those people. And that
goes with like executive producers who decided like, oh, I'm
gonna make a lot of money off this movie. Let's
do it this way, and you know, like as well

(12:50):
as the writers in this. Now again, I'm not saying
actors who have a job go in are necessarily responsible
for other people's trauma. That's not what I'm saying at all,
But I think there is that level of understanding that
if you're willing to take a personal story like this

(13:12):
that many that you think many will relate to, you
also have to be willing to see where that level
of trauma can take a person like this has nothing
to do with what people choosing to go see a movie.
That's their choice and just as much as their is
their choice to leave. Absolutely, but you can't be afraid

(13:32):
to be like, yeah, this may be taken out of context,
or this is a flourishment of what I saw, and
I don't agree that this is healthy necessarily blah blah
blahlah blah blah. As we've talked about with like Twilight again,
I come back to that because we're like, that is
a stalker, that dude. Like if we were comparing Twilight
to and I was actually to Cult Girls, which we

(13:54):
just read, it's similar the whole Like, oh, I know
you're just out of college, out of high school, but
I want to have you want to have sex with me?
We got to get married now. Like that that kind
of context is like it's not as romantic as you
think that is. Yeah, But again with all of that,

(14:14):
I feel like we have a responsibility to a certain
degree of at least having the conversation behind it, Like
you need to be able to have that conversation with
it in order to dispel the romanticism that is often
misleading to younger people.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yes, absolutely, it kind of It reminds me of our
when we talked about rape revenge movies and how important
it is if you're who's involved in filming that, who's
behind the camera, who's writing it, and even if you
know it's just having some person on set who's very
cognizant of you know, we need to be aware of

(14:53):
these things like that is really important because something like
that it can be incredibly devastating or triggering to someone
who's been through something like that. And I also think
it's just better it generally feels it's more like, Okay,

(15:15):
this is coming from a place of at least somebody knows,
somebody did some research or somebody is aware of the
impacts of this. It's one of the things I dislike
the most in media is when things are romanticized that
I'm like, this is actually we really really shouldn't be

(15:37):
romanticizing this. And I'll say, of course, I got to
bring it up from my fan fiction perspective. It used
to be a lot like that, and that still exists,
don't get me wrong, but it has shifted much more
where maybe that exists, but that guy is now the
bad guy instead of the like, oh, he's just troubled.
Now it's like he is bad. And I'm personally very

(16:00):
glad for this because it has always posed me like
why are we attracted to this?

Speaker 2 (16:08):
He's the worst?

Speaker 1 (16:09):
But it's not even like why are you attracted to this?
It's like why are we writing it? Like it is
right attractive?

Speaker 2 (16:16):
Right? Yeah, it's been around. I was thinking my so
called live Jordan Katalano was the worst dude in the world,
and yet we all wanted him, and then he grew
up and we all grew up.

Speaker 1 (16:26):
I was like, oh, never mind, that's the thing. But
that is the thing. When it's like a young adult, Yeah,
it's really tricky. You have to keep in mind.

Speaker 2 (16:35):
Right and again, for those who loved this book or
are excited about this movie, I apologize. I get I
know nothing specifically about this book. I'm just going from
what I'm reading and from the drama that has encouraged
from this because apparently Justin Baldoni, people are like loving
him the fact that he has emphasized the importance of

(16:55):
intimacy coordinators, like he apparently brought up that up as
a part of the way they filmed it, and he
wanted people to know that, like as well as like
talking about and I'm not putting him in pencil. I
know nothing about Lively, y'all. Apparently all this stuff has
come out. I don't even know if I've ever seen
her in a movie, now that I think about it,
I don't think I've watched her in anything. I don't
think I've ever seen her in anything. That's how little

(17:18):
I know of her. I know she's apparently a great
mother and a wife and great friends with Taylor Swift.
So there you go. So no hate to that. I'm
just saying, like these articles and just in these subjects alone,
and this just happened to be the hot topic of today.
August fifteenth, twenty twenty four, which could change. But like,

(17:39):
it is interesting when we have these conversations about who
is the it couple and why, and then who were
celebrating who we're not, and then how it's being handled
after it's brought into public.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
Yeah. Yeah, there's definitely a lot to think about an
unpack with this. You know, I've got a lot of
thoughts about this. Well, listeners, if you have any thoughts
about this, if you have thoughts about the book or
the movie or both, please let us know. You can
email us as Stuff Media mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com.

(18:11):
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(18:32):
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