The Aftermath and Unhealthy Coping

Survivors of a traumatic event frequently resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, from substance abuse to eating disorders.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hi, this is Annie, and you're listening to stuff I've
never told you and in AWE continuing mini series with
Samantha I don't know. Samantha. Thanks for joining us. Once again,

(00:31):
we're going to be talking about the fallout of trauma
because this whole series is examining all kinds of aspects
of trauma, UM of sexual assault and the cost of it.
And after this traumatic event happens, you the survivor has
to pick up the pieces because it does cost survivors
not only in terms of mental, physical, and emotional health,

(00:53):
but like financially too, um and in ways that you
might not expect, like think about the cost of therapy,
of medication, lost hours or jobs due to anxiety, pank attacks, PTSD,
UM and then yeah, rape kids, court trials. It is
like a bomb has gone off in your life and
the shrapnel is tearing into your heart and soul and

(01:17):
body and relationships. Right. I mean essentially, if you look
at it simply, it's a loss of self, almost like
a morning period. I mean it could be compared to
that life like you have lost your sense of safety
and you have lost a sense of hope, um that
you should have been, that should have been part of
your human rights. Yeah, yeah, and I think, Um, I

(01:37):
know I've said it before and I totally stole this
from Harry Potter, but it's true. Um, I feel when
I remember these times in my life, I feel like
I'm remembering a younger sister who died like that was
from the Seven Harry Potter book. But I feel like
it's very fitting. It is. It's but you become a
whole new person. So your sense of innocence has been lost,

(01:57):
and that is a death in your life, and you
do agree it. So trigger warnings before we get into it.
Sexual assault, UM, suicidal ideation, self harming behaviors, eating disorders, abuse.
I have just spent a couple of hours, UM, reading
about the responsible reporting on these kinds of things and

(02:18):
how uh contagious hearing about this can be if it
is a triggering factor for you, So please please please
think about yourself in your mental health before listening. Yes, um,
so all right, let's talk about some of the aftermath

(02:39):
of trauma, the the bad coping mechanisms that survivors might
employ to deal UM. And one of the number one
things is substance abuse, alcohol and drug abuse. According to
some studies, people who have experienced sexual assault are thirteen
times more likely to abuse alcohol and twenty six more

(03:01):
times more likely to abuse drugs. And that's to self medicate,
to forget to cope, or a manifestation of self destructive behavior.
I've mentioned in past episodes that for the past two
years I have been what I call destructive Annie, very
much not taking care of myself. But one interesting thing
about these numbers is it's from a study from and

(03:23):
more recent studies with more nuanced definitions found that alcohol
abuse is three times more likely than drug abuse. And
it's really fascinating because the difference in numbers had to
do with that whole real rape thing that we've talked about.
So when you define it in that narrow way, it
created a much smaller pool that were that pool was

(03:44):
more likely to abuse drugs. So always read the study specifications,
and of course you're getting new, more correctly or at
least more diverse numbers of people to do these studies with.
And of course we're also changing and defining who is
relevant and who isn't. Yes, yes, a lot of studies
look at increased risk of sexual assault actually happening due

(04:08):
to alcohol and drug abuse. But what we're talking about
here is the increase of alcohol and drug abuse after
a sexual assault. However, the two are hard to separate,
and there's a lot of overlap, particularly between people who
were already habitual users prior to their assault, but which
is often what's used against them, Like they have a
history of something, so they no longer attribute that as

(04:30):
part of the reason after the fact. Rights, Um, what
is that called alcohol assisted? Right? Yeah, it's hard to
separate a lot of these things out which, honestly, if
you look back, I feel that we can look into
more studies about the people who are already abusing alcohol.
Having a new sexual assault is actually a perception of

(04:50):
possibly further previous abuse that has happened that's not acknowledged. Yeah, yeah,
absolutely So while your body may freeze, your emotions don't.
And survivors need an outlet. And I can totally include
myself in here. Alcohol and drug abuse is a way
to kind of mute emotions or sometimes force them out.

(05:14):
Some survivors use it as an attempt to reassert control
and regulate the emotions. If you feel a negative emotion
coming on, you attempt to treat it with drugs. Or
alcohol and get that disassociative state. And I think even
people who aren't survivors can relate to that or at
least have seen it in TV like it's almost kind

(05:36):
of a joke, like you're sad and lonely, right. I mean,
if you even look at the uptake of opiates and
the reason that it's happening is not necessarily all of
them are trauma victims necessarily, but maybe unhappy teenagers who
have overdosed, and you look at the knees and the
cost of what can make them feel better, quote unquote.

(05:57):
And for me, a lot of my population that I'll
work with in the world of social work, they would
rather have something that they can control rather than something
that is safely prescribed. And that's also one of the
big like, oh my goodness, meganisms that's not being regulated. Yeah,
and I think a threat in all of the stuff

(06:20):
that we're talking about, one of the most important things
is that feeling of control because it's been taken from you,
so you're trying to cope and feel in control again,
possibly in these very unhealthy ways. One study found that
of sexual assault survivors get drunk for the first time
after the assault and try cocaine for the first time.

(06:44):
That is really specific. I know, kind of surprising to
me personally, but I guess if you consider, unfortunately, how
young usually the first sexual assault happens. Um, I guess
it fits into that. And now I have definitely started
it self medicating more, mostly with alcohol since Donald Trump
got elected. Self destructive Annie that's when she was born. Um,

(07:07):
all my trauma bubbled up to the surface. Um. It
kind of shocked me because I thought I had it
kind of in control, but then this happened, and um, yeah,
it just I've lost control. But I was trying to
convince myself that I had it. Um. And alcohol is
so much easier than getting treatment or getting medication. It's

(07:30):
an easy way to self medicate to try head off
these negative emotions. Some survivors use drugs or alcohol as
a way to become more sexual or to be able
to have sex, Like if they're so tense, these are
I mean, this is not uncommon for any person in general,
because you don't want to admit there's something wrong, and

(07:50):
drinking is a social thing, so therefore, why not this
is acceptable? This is legal essentially, and so therefore this
is a much better way of trying to forget and
or liquid courage as they would call it, as you're
talking about with trying to become sexual and hoping to
continue as of life is normal. Right. And that's something

(08:11):
that a couple of listeners wrote in about because we
recently did an episode on consents and you cannot consent
if you're drunk, and a lot of listeners wrote in
and we're like, well but what about this, and I
it is it's just difficult to navigate. So the fact
that people are purposefully drinking right in order to have

(08:33):
sex is something that we should red flag. Yeah, well,
if you only can have sex when your inhibitions are down,
there's some kind of issue, problematic moments that is going
to block your ability to have an intimate relationship rights exactly.

(08:54):
Another piece of fallout is risky sexual behavior. Sexual violence
has been linked to high risk sexual behavior like unprotected sex,
increased risk of sexually transmitted infections. I think I've already
said I went to the total opposite way or am
a sexual jury so out? Um, But in either case,

(09:15):
that is something else that people who experience sexual assaws
often do that that they avoid sexual contact altogether. I
always think of Rita from Dexter. I don't know if
you ever saw that, Yes, I did, actually, yeah, which
it worked out for him because he didn't want to
have sex. She had been in this abusive relationship and
she didn't want to have sex, right, but then she
got past it and you know, and all of those things. Well, actually,

(09:35):
and we can also end that spectrum of risky sexual behavior.
We can correlate this with prostitution and domestic minor trafficking
and human trafficking m. According to one study SEV, the
prostitute of victims attribute to being sexually abused as children,
influencing their reason that they became prostitute or started prostituting.
And with that, um of those prostitutes never disclose their

(10:00):
sexual abuse. And then on top of that, it shows
that at least exploited children have been sexually abused, which
is kind of one of the reasons that we talked
about early sexualization as problematic UM, because this is how
they are conditioned um to become more sexual and or

(10:21):
be open to being sexually abused without realizing it is
as an abuse. And I think that's one of the
things that we would talk about obviously, if you look
back and many of the kids who run away from
home and then end up in this lifestyle, or even
um women in general, this is a monetary gain and
this is what they learned. Their value is because that's

(10:43):
what they were taught. Yeah. Yeah. In seventeen, the Swedish
media professionals and the Swedish Court of Appeals has um
They have started talking about sex as self injury or
s A s I, particularly among adolescent survivors of assault
are both. The definition from the Children's Welfare of Sweden

(11:03):
is when a person has a pattern of seeking sexual
situations involving mental or physical harm to themselves. The behavior
causes significant distress or impyramid and school work or other
important areas, or, in the words of Stockholm, tell your
quote to have repetitive and recurrent intense feelings such as shame,
guild anxiety, disgust, and self hatred that are confirmed and

(11:27):
or temporarily alleviated by repetitive and recurrent exposure to sexual
and physical abuse, humiliation, and violation. This, as well as
alcoholism or drug abuse, is categorized as indirect self harming behavior,
but it does have a pretty direct link to other
self harming behaviors, which we will get into after a
quick break for a word from you're sponsor, M and

(11:58):
we're back, Thank you sponsor. Okay, so let's start with
self harm, which is frequently cutting but sometimes burning skin
with like cigarettes. Um. This is another way of coping
bad coping a survivor might turn to. And again this
is it relates back to control. It's about feeling and control.

(12:20):
It's a behavior that is meant to self injure but
not kill. Yeah. I don't know if I actually told
you this, but one of my ways of coping when
I get really stressed and anxious is actually scratching my
head until I bleed and or actually um, holding my
fists in order using my nails to cut into myself,
which is oftentimes I don't even realize I'm doing it

(12:42):
until after the fact. But that is a form of
self harming as well. So it's important because to make
that distinction between meaning to self injure and not meaning
to kill. Because a lot of folks who display self
harming behavior, uh do not display suicidal behavior. Um. But

(13:04):
people who do display self harming behavior are more likely
to contemplate suicide. Some people actually use self harm as
a way to release but not act on suicidal urges.
Um Again, this form of self medication. Just like alcohol
or drugs, the pain becomes too much and you need
a release or distraction. The reasons cited for most of

(13:25):
this behavior is overwhelming negative emotions are stressed. Some statistics
show that sixty scent of people who self harm feel
no pain when they do self harm, and people who
have experienced some form of abuse are at a much
higher risk of developing self harming behavior. And just like
I said, I don't even notice half the time is
after the fact that I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm

(13:46):
doing this. Yeah, and it is. It's kind of one
of those things that it's just an automatic reaction to
stress because that's what I've learned as I'm not going
to be volatile and loud and you know, throw a foot,
I'm just going internalize and breathe. But in my subconscious
is I'm losing myself. So what do I do to

(14:08):
find myself again? Right? And on top of the the
control aspect, a lot of these things that we're talking
about are addictive in nature, and self harming that release
that comes with it is also addictive. One and every
one people is thought to engage in self harming behavior.
Statistics show that teenagers, specifically female teenagers, are the most

(14:31):
likely to self harm, and I did throughout high school
and college. Estimates show that somewhere between sixty seven and
eight to people who self harm are women. Whether this
is because women are more likely to experience abuse, are
are taught to turn these negative motions inward, or both,
experts aren't sure of rape victims have visible scars from

(14:53):
self harming, and it probably is more. There's a really
incorrect narrative that I believe has been addressed on the
show I Know, we did a video about it, um
that this is something teenage girls do for attention, But
numerous studies have turned that narrative on its head, which
is I'm really glad it has because it is a
constant thing where everything is said as attention. A girl

(15:15):
is being slutty, she's trying to seek attention, a girl
is being right. Dramatic self harming is frequently compared to
or described as an addiction or an irresistible urge, which
is kind of what you were describing, and these different
self harming and aiding disorders oftentimes have, as you already said,
a control factor, having control on self, specifically part of

(15:38):
one's life when everything feels uncertain or being taken out
of your hands. But you know, as stated above, it
is also an uncontrollable urgent addiction has just been recently
added to the d s M five in its own
diagnosis and no longer as a symptom of another diagnosis,
which is non suicidal self injury. That's how it's titled.

(16:00):
Another thing we need to talk about is eating disorders.
Multiple studies have shown a link between abuse and eating disorders.
One found fifty of people suffering from bulimia and anorexia
had a history of sexual abuse compared to the participants
that did not suffer from those two eating disorders. Important
to note the distinction between correlation and causality, but worth

(16:21):
mentioning it can be used similarly to these other bad
coping mechanisms we've been talking about again, a form of control,
something that numbs you, disassociate to you. I read an
article that described in eating disorder as the person assuming
the role of both the victim and the abuser, and
I know that I developed my first eating disorder in
middle school, like directly related to my abuse. UM. I

(16:46):
definitely used it as a way to feel in control,
to feel numb. Also, I was like so anxious and
full of hatred for my own body, which I blamed
for the whole situation. UM that food had no taste.
Is nauseated all the time, and there's there's like an
element of cleansing involved as well. Right, And then I've

(17:07):
I've called it before on this show. Exercising has become
what I call my coping mechanism gone wrong. And actually
through the therapy UM that Samantha and I have been hearing,
my therapist said that it is another form of self
harm I am engaging in. I mean, originally you hear
that as a positive like exercise so I can release

(17:30):
my stress. But it's absolutely true that you are wearing
down your body when you do too much rights and
if it's like painful and you still engage in it.
And this brings us to suicide UM, which again we're
gonna have resources at the end, very careful when we
discuss this. UM. It is a complex public health issue

(17:56):
of suicides involved mental health and or substance abuse. So
no one event is the cause it's amalgamation of things. Yeah,
but please, please, please please please restating the trigger warning. Um,
there are things, there are people, there are programs that
are out there to help you, right, and and just
to reiterate, we're talking about those statistics. We're talking about

(18:18):
this because it needs to be noted for those who
don't understand what trauma is and for those who are
suffering and or contemplating these ideas. We want you to
know that there are others who feel this way and
who can and have gotten out of it. And myself
and I know Anny you've talked about it, we are
two of those people. Yes, Um, absolutely. From the CDC quote,

(18:42):
suicide is the third leading cause of death among fifteen
to twenty four year olds. That's of deaths, and the
second leading cause of death among twenty to thirty five
year olds compared to the tenth leading cause overall. It's
the second leading cause of death of American college students.
Up to fifteen of one thousand females studied reported saying
they made suicidal attempts after suffering from some sort of

(19:06):
sexual harassment. Thirty three percent of women who are raped
consider suicide and attempted and studies are ongoing into the
statistics around the l g b t q I community
and on male survivors. Survivors whose sexual assault took place
sixteen or younger are three to four times more likely
to take their own lives. Overall, survivors are ten times

(19:29):
more likely to kill themselves. And I know we just
I just recently talked about the case with the high
school teacher in which this youth UM ended up taking
our own life. And there are so many things obviously
that was taken advantage of of this young lady. And
we need to talk about the fact that when we

(19:49):
talked about grooming a lot of time predators can note
the week oddly enough, UM. And there's also youth in
UM vulnerable identity groups including lgbt q I UM worse
with family rejection, Native American youth, Latina adolescent girls, foster

(20:11):
care youth, and alumni homeless youth, and social media can
really exacerbate this UM. A quote I read from an article,
it can really seem like the whole world knows. And
that's to do with a lot of the revenge revenge
porn is it called, which many states have actually recognized
this as a crime which is finally I mean, I

(20:35):
will say one of the things about UM laws and regulations,
they are having a hard time keeping up with social
media and internet and all of that because they are
exceedingly faster than being able to pass a law or
a bill. Um, it is unfortunate that people are the worst.

(20:58):
That is unfortunate. It is very unfortunate. We wouldn't be
having this series at all if people would just be better. UM.
So for myself, UM, I did try to kill myself
when I was fifteen, and someone found me, and if
they hadn't, I don't think I would be here. It
was a combination of all of this fallout, ongoing building up.

(21:20):
I took the steps to get help. I told people
I have the numbers saved in my phone, the hotline,
so that I remember feeling this way. I have a
group of people I can reach out to. You you
know what to do because we've discussed it. So, yes,
there is hope. Recovery is totally possible. It's always ongoing.
But there are resources out there for you, right and
I think, um, as you and I have talked previously before,

(21:43):
and as I mentioned above before, rather that we we
have gone through these and we have gone through some
of the worst of it, UM, but also some of
the more supportive of it as well. And I think
what is what we need to talk about more is
the fact that there is help after the fact, there

(22:05):
is survival after the fact. Um. I know, like you
were talking about your fourteen Alice twelve, and I got
help from my friends, not so much from my family.
And that oftentimes happened because I would say I wasn't
in a very religious family and the idea was Jesus
will save you. But if you want to go down

(22:27):
the religious faith throughout, it's also they've also provided help
in this day and age, and it could be as
easy as you have a friend, or it can be
as hard as you have to do therapy. Yeah. So
another part of this fallout that we should talk about
is um setting examples for the younger people in our

(22:49):
lives and normalizing. And one of the most disturbing things
about my own experience in hindsight is how I reacted
to being date raped in my freshman year of college.
I wanted to do it was but add this overall
sense that this happens, I rolled the dice and lost.
It's a risk I accepted it by going to a
party and drinking. It's just something that happens, unfortunately, and
I had drawn short show, right, And that's that's why

(23:12):
we talked about the fact of many people haven't reached
out to the show about Emma, have I been raped
because they they are in such self hate that it's
easier to blame yourself than to acknowledge something happened. And
then when you actually look back on, oh, this is
not my fault, it becomes a whole new world. But
because we are so inundated by culture and quote unquote

(23:36):
patriarchy that we had somehow done something to lead to
this moment instead of acknowledging, Oh, you, as the partner
who or the predator, or the the person who came
after me, you should take responsibility. Why am I taking
it onto myself? Another cost is survivor is guilt and

(24:01):
wondering about other people that might have been hurt because
of your silence. And again people who come forward often
experience that as well. Victims often talk about how if
they had come forward, they may have prevented later crimes,
taking on the responsibility of the perpetrator. And I think
we see that with some of the latest cases where
everybody's accusing them of why are you coming out now,

(24:22):
you know, and it's just essentially it's I'm trying to
protect the people. And I think I even had a
certain case that happened in my small Hope town and
I got someone someone reached out to me. I think
I talked about this previously and was like, Hey, this
dude is continuing and we want to try to stop him.
And I'm like, oh gosh, I have this responsibility, but

(24:43):
as the legal lot legal part of proportion of what
I know, I'm like, but I'm going to harm your case.
And I feel so guilty still because I want to
protect the women and children, but I don't know the
responsibility is how do I do this without harming your
case and honestly owing owning their own survival by paying

(25:07):
back to society. That's kind of one of my driven
reasons to be a social worker, and I've been one
for years and years and years and years. It's because
I feel like I have been given a moment of
being able to say I'm okay, and even though I
feel damaged at times, I'm still better than most. And

(25:28):
I feel guilty when I can't give back and or
I can't advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves.
And if I fail, and I'm going to tell you,
in the world of social work, I feel like I
failed more than I've helped. And I know I know
the whole bit, but in my own personal life, it's
kind of like, what have I done? Have I really helped?

(25:51):
Or am I just putting a small band aid on
a gashing wound. Another piece of the fallout here is
loss of person relationships, also trust, feeling dirty or that
you did something wrong. UM. Thirty percent of survivors experience
problems at school or work following sexual trauma, and thirty
seven report experienced problems with friends or family. And I

(26:12):
think we need to talk about the fact that about
the whole feeling dirty, UM, because I think we all
know what that experience feels like. It ruins sexual experiences
sometimes for some UM, and it's ruins intimacy in general,
whether it's just a relationship. And for me, UM, this

(26:32):
is as you were talking about therapy, one of the
things that I have talked about with my therapist, with
our therapist rather she's amazing, UM, is that the mere
fact that I can't last long in a relationship because
to me, it's all use them and leave them and
or you're gonna leave anyway. Um. And that's absolutely the

(26:53):
feeling of I'm not worth it. I'm worth this value,
and that value is sexually and then you move on.
So I know, like, even though I am all about
you know, having your own experience, being um strong in
your own voice for sexuality, whatever, it's also part of
that is I don't trust that it can be loving,

(27:16):
you know. And I think that's what like, I feel
dirty at times. People feel dirty at times. There's moments
that you can't associate outside of that moment and whether
you're going to be triggered at any moment for some
awful reason, you know. And I think we also have
to talk about the fact that this oftentimes affects relationships,

(27:39):
whether it's your husband, your you know, or your partner
or any of those reasons, that there is a moment
of how does the partner react and what is he
supposed to do or what is she supposed to do.
So we do have a little bit more in this episode,
but first we have one more quick break for work

(27:59):
from response to m HM, and we're back, Thank you sponsor.
So to conclude this episode, UM, when I think about
why I didn't publicly come forward and like until recently,

(28:22):
not even with people that have known me forever, UM,
because I didn't think I was worth it, um, or
that it was worth it. I didn't think i'd be believed.
I didn't want to stress anyone out. I wanted people
to be happy and pretend that it never happened. And
the thought of voicing that shame and disgust that I
felt and giving it a name was terrifying in a

(28:43):
weird way. It didn't even occur to me to do that.
I was afraid of judgment, some sort of retaliation, and
it it cost me to not come forward. All of
these bad cooking things UM, eating disorders like of sleep,
suicidal ideation, constant guilt, wondering if other people suffered because
of my silence. I did lose relationships going back to running,

(29:05):
I wrecked my knees. I I fought really hard, and
I was determined to be happy. And it's so strange
to say this, but some good did come out of it. Um.
It's a very uneasy thing for me to admit, because
it's this horrendous event. Um, all these events that should
never have happened. But I was able to take some

(29:27):
of it and turn it into writing into art and
two things that helped me sort through what I was feeling.
Things that made me feel empowered, and I found my
support group. And it's through all of this and working
on the show and through meeting people like you, Samantha,
that I have been able to start to be more
open about my experience. Um. There was a time where
I could not even voice any of this. I would

(29:48):
dissolve into a mess of tears and even screaming sometimes.
And it's just taken a lot of time and having
supportive people in my life, UM, that I've been able
to take this step. Um, And I'm glad I could
be a so work for you. I'm not gonna lie.
I'm thinking like, have I pushed you so too far? Sometimes?
And I think it is a part of the culture

(30:10):
that silence is better than speaking. And I think this
whole idea of we all suffer through things, just deal
with it, um, And it needs to be out the
door because we need to understand what we're going through
or what we have gone through, or the things that
trigger us affect our daily life, UM affect our relationships,

(30:32):
affect our own self esteem. And I think for me,
I mean, going through all of this, I've I've tried
to use my experiences as a motivation to do better,
to be better, to care more. Two the detriment of myself,
of me having anxiety attacks, social aviation, not taking care
of myself because I would rather focus on others than

(30:57):
my own problems. And I you and I talked to
by the fact that we UM are doing therapy again, UM,
And I kind of forgot because I was like, oh, yeah, Andy,
I gonna take therapy, and he's gonna do therapy. She's
gonna be great. And then it's like, oh no, I
have to talk about my issues too. And I've been
able to let go of it somewhat without actually going

(31:22):
through it and going through the pains of growing from
it or coping with it. And I think that's a
lot of people, UM who also want to deny because
it was so long ago, you know, and you're like,
I should be over this by now, But that's not true.
That's not a true statement at all. You don't have
to you can work through it now, and you should. Yeah,

(31:44):
and that's one of the reasons we include the self
care things at the end, because we just want to
be like, all right, right, what we're doing in the
difficulty of this UM. So some resources we talked about
a lot of a lot of stuff in this one.
So there's the National Sexual Assault Hotline and one eight
hundred six five six four six seven three for substance abuse.

(32:06):
Sexual abuse survivors are more likely to relapse after attending
programs like rehab or getting sober some other way. And
this is not to discourage anyone, just an acknowledgement that
going to rehab without treating the traumas like treating a
symptom but not the underlying cause. So there's a lot
of overlap for suicidal ideation. If someone you care about
outrights as they're going to kill themselves, call n one

(32:29):
or a website resource. You can go to Suicide Prevention
Lifeline dot org. UM. The number the hotline is in
English one eight hundred to seven three, eight to five
five and in Spanish one eight six to eight nine
four five four. And I just want to interject here,
many of the states have their own crisis behavioral crisis line. UM.

(32:51):
I know I work with one specifically in Georgia, and
they will come out to you or where you're at
or where the person who is suffering and or going
through that moment, and it will come to you and
and help you and to necessarily diagnose you, but at
least walk you through what it looks like. And it
is very very important that this is available to many

(33:12):
of the stays, and it's free. That's the answers. I know,
like costs is part of the reason people don't do therapy,
but these different there are some things out there that
are free and it's available and and any you and
I talked about the fact that I want we want
to be able to say if you can't find it,

(33:33):
contact us, and I know you're gonna give all the
information at the end because I don't remember. I'm just
a guess, um, but that we can try to help
you at least research with you what it could be
available absolutely. Um. And some tips for for talking to
survivors um. There are a lot, but here are some

(33:54):
some basic ones. If you know you're going into this conversation,
it's good to get educated and know some resources. If
you don't know what you're getting into, If you don't
know you're getting into this conversation, look some stuff up afterwards,
check in on that person regularly. We are doing that
as we record these episodes. I believe the person. Don't

(34:15):
question the details, don't force them to talk about anything
they don't want to. It's about giving them control of
their story. And um, so this was all about bad coping,
and future episodes we're going to be looking at healthy
coping mechanisms and becoming a survivor right and wanting to
give examples of some of the things that have been
positive through all of these negative conversations that we've had.

(34:37):
And I think also just to reiterate just caring and
being there can be enough for me. I've talked about
this before. I have a group of friends that don't
quite understand what I'm going through, but they sit with me,
and that's all I ask. I don't ask for them
to give me advice, I don't ask for them to

(34:58):
give me ways or in amation, even just sitting with
them and knowing you're valued enough that someone takes their
time to come and be with you physically. And I'm
by the way, I'm not touching feely, like I'm not
a big hugger or anything, but to have them next
to me on a couch while I cry or while
I'm trying to figure out this anxiety attack. That's enough

(35:21):
sometimes and that's all the like, that's all that may
be needed for that moment. Yeah, yeah, I don't want
underestimate the value of that. So for our self care
self care part of the episode my D and D fact.
Any are you okay? Um? Any are you okay? So?
I just dungeon mastered my first game and you were

(35:44):
great at it. Thank you. You weren't there, but thanks.
I but I got the email, I got a text
say that you did well. Yes, I was very happy
how it went. Um So, I was super nervous going in.
But I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot,
but the first and I should have known this, Like
I'm playing with the same group I've been playing with forever.
I mean all these magical items and I mean like

(36:08):
I've just created them, and the first like four were jokes.
Which ones did they buy? The first four? So now
they have a ring of invisibility where the ring turns
invisible when you put it on. Useful, but they don't
know did they realize this, and they bought it. Why

(36:29):
would they buy it? They think it can do something else? Um,
well they should have known what I've got low price bag,
shouldn't charge them more. Um. They bought a howling wolf
brooch that when you press it it howls, you know,
and that's it. Yeah, that's all. So that's literally something
we could buy now, Yes, like in real life, I

(36:51):
r L. I sold them a pet rock that gives
words of encouragement. Okay, I might buy that. Actually, really cute.
I think I would buy that. It's really cute. Its
name is Doggo. I would buy it. And then they
bought a helm of encouragement that is overly uh enthusiastic
to go into battle. Okay, I can't buy that because

(37:13):
I'll fight with that one. So that was fun. I'm
debating on whether or not I'm going to make one
of them actually useful. Maybe maybe we'll say, I feel
like you should make the dogo useful. Oh he's great. Yeah,
he keeps giving all kinds of words. So, speaking of which, UM,
I'm not gonna talk about Peaches so much right now

(37:34):
because Peaches is getting on my nerves. I still love
how please notice. Um, but I actually played Dominion. So
this is one of the first role playing game RPG. Yeah,
I'm a liar, but there were card expansions. Yeah, sure,

(37:57):
is that Dominion. I don't know, I've never you've never
played Dominion. I assumed you had played Dominute. Okay, anyway too.
I played Dominion and the dude I played with is
really into it, and I'm trying to be supportive. I'm like, yeah, sure,
I'll be interested because a lot of my friends really
like these types of game. But essentially it's like you

(38:19):
buy magic and villages and stop things, and I'll try
to figure it out. And I will say, the dude
thought he beat me and I had to show and
I was like, no, we tied, thank you very much.
Yeah yeah, And I was like, no, don't act like
you were better than me. And then he was like,
oh I gave you no, no, no, no no, no, you

(38:39):
thought you had beaten me. And I'm like, okay, I
think I could get into these Yeah. I'm not sure
if I can get into D and D because that's
just really intense. I feel like it. Ah, but I
will say, you know what, I do love because I'm
an eighty year old puzzles. Puzzles are fun. I love puzzles.

(39:05):
I think it's so great to not think about anything
but whether these fit together. And that's what I need.
I needed to just be perfectly laid out with a
beautiful picture. There you go, and that includes Peaches looking
at me like are you feeding me these things? And

(39:25):
I don't. Just so you dog lovers know, I would
never give our puzzle pieces. That's good to know, Samantha. Okay,
that was my factor slash coping mechanisms. I'll keep that
in my next game night, Samantha, Puzzles come over to
our side. I don't know, like we Yeah, I was

(39:47):
here for year last game night and it was super fun. Yeah,
we have a great time. We do. It's a party,
I think overall, if we want to talk about what
coping is, it's being with people that are like minded
and just having a good time in silly talks. There
we go, and this brings us to the end of

(40:07):
this episode. We did it. We will be continuing our
mini series in the following weeks, but in the meantime,
if you would like to reach out to us, you can.
Our email is mom Stuff at how stuparks dot com.
You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast
and on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks,
as always to our producer Andrew Howard, and thanks to

(40:29):
you for listening.