Stepmom Presents: The Husband Hunt – “SEEK” (Episode 1)

This is a Clown Parade Production: 

Episode 1: SEEK

Welcome to The Husband Hunt with Stepmom! The first episode goes over the deeply important steps to finding our prized prey! Stepmom goes over everything from making sure we are in the right environment, spotting out prey and to making sure we have a gorgeous outfit on while doing it! Stepmom then answers some listener questions and gives her biting advice. 

More episodes will be released on the Clown Parade podcast feed.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Yeah, yeah, come in. Hey, um, I think we have
what's the schedule. I'm sorry, my assistants out sick. Oh.
I think we're supposed to meet with Will and he's
got you guys already start. I just you just walked in. Yeah,

(00:22):
so you're not late because I had five five past
two we were starting. Do you mind if we It's fine.
I was I was gonna like need one second to
just kind of quickly line let me no no no, no no, no,
no no no. Step It's not a big deal. Guys,
this is too much. I already I already I already
popped open the sugar free Red Bulls so that we
could all sort of get started here. Do you want one? Well,

(00:43):
I would love one, Thank you. Here you go. So
this is our big new endeavor. How boys, this is
exciting at least I'm excited. Well I think I'm speaking.
I can only speak for myself, and I'm excited too.
I'm so excited mostly to kind of hear from you Will,
like what what these people are doing in the in
this podcasting space there there are so many, so many

(01:06):
new people here that I'm I'm thrilled to play down
in front of you. Yeah, well, you seemed really excited
all week, and we've been really looking forward to the meeting,
and I just want to make sure that it's not
to be waste of our time. You guys let me
in the door, because I know your time is important
to you and super valuable. So I don't want to
I don't want to waste it. Well, why you don't
have to get on the actual floor. You're supine on

(01:27):
the floor right now. I think some people think better
by walking around the room. I think I get more calm,
and I think better by lying down then, because you know,
you know who recorded her hub like that, Alicia Keys?
Is that real? Alright? So what what kind of what
kind of I guess what is this a podcast? You
want us to produce? This is going to be what

(01:49):
I want you guys to produce. Are multiple podcasts. It's one.
It's a podcast called clown Parade, a anthological character piece
carefully rated by culturistics, right like a series. And it's
a series. And we have a number of very talented
individuals who take it over and do there. It's there.

(02:11):
It's their time to shine. I see. I like that
for this amazing audience we have out there, Let'm intrigued
so far. Yeah, I'm intrigued so far. So you sort
of want to use our celebrity yep, it's a skyrocket
these well, and I know that that's what you guys
want to do as well, our celebrity, right, pay it
forward exactly as they said in the movie, pay it

(02:33):
for starring the incredible Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osmond
and don't forget, don't forget. Hey, I see him on
the list. We gotta take him on. I don't want
to produce this podcast. I didn't you know what that was?

(02:54):
Just that was just a spitball. Okay, idea, what is this?
And you know what, let's take that off. Kevin's basically
master class. No, don't don't read. Don't read you further.
Oh my god, you're already fluffing up. Okay, So, who's
the first person who's gonna take over this clown parne
an anthological character piece carefully curated by Cultures Desk. Yeah,

(03:16):
it's a very talented young woman, okay, Greta, Yes, oh
Greta's title. Yes, yes, of course she's actually gt actually
is a very close friend of ours. So excited to
hear what she's cooking up. It's called step Mom Presents.
The Husband Hunt is a step by step guide to
getting the life of your dreams the way step Mom

(03:39):
wants you to do it, as the saying goes, work
is for people who don't know how to fish. Jesus
said that. That was Jesus Christ, and I believe to
B C to B before Christ. And you guys know
that that. Greta is a comedian, actress, writer. She's living
in Los Angeles. O love that, so, which was such

(04:05):
as cool to get someone from l A. Yeah, well
she she already probably knows a lot about about the biz.
And you don't have enough people in podcasting who live
in l A. You really don't. There's a huge deficit. Absolutely,
it's mostly from Des Moines, Clearwater, Florida, Near Water, Florida,
huge podcasting, Tulsa. Yeah, like I said, and omaha, thank

(04:27):
you welcome. I think it says okay in your notes.
You can currently watch Greta on the HBO series Lois's
Spookies as US Ambassador Melanie Gibbons and what else, Matt,
I'm reading her. She was in Search Party and you know,
Greta's comedy can be seen on Comedy Central, Vice and
of course Instagram, of course course, but now clown Parade,

(04:48):
an anthological character piece carefully curated cultures. I'm excited about this,
this husband Hunt. Is it going to be graphically violent?
That's what that what I've been told. Good, it's gonna
it's gonna mostly feature graphic violence. I love that, which
very in you know, on an auditory level, is chilling.

(05:11):
Oh gosh, yeah, I love it. The sounds of ripping flesh, screams,
bashing teeth, yes, broken tibulus and fibulous, A lot of
teeth extraction. Yes, no, this is before I get to
gus on the extraction. You normally have it. No gas needed. No,

(05:35):
we'll get up off the floor. Let's listen to that.
I think, Hey, everyone, let's listen to this. This is
step Mom Presents by Title Man. Is that robbing cabbage?

(05:56):
I smell? Oh no, it's you, my little twats and tweakers,
joining me, your stepmother, for the very first episode of
Stepmother Presents the Husband Toime. That's right, me, your gorgeous
stepmother found a warm spot in her incredibly generous heart
to gift you, my fellow listeners, a guide to finding

(06:21):
the husband that houses the keys to your dreams. The bag,
the money, the loot, the grub, the grime, the gems,
the gold, all of the gush in the world is
waiting for you. And it's it's simply not that hard, dear,
And that's why I'm here to present to you a
step by step guide to getting the life of your dreams.
After all, the saying goes work is for people who

(06:43):
don't know how to fish. And darling, we are in
the deep sea. Now. If this is your first time
ever being introduced to me, step mom, I'll tell you
a little bit about me. I am the one who
haunts your dreams. I am the one you never want
to come into your life. Why because I will take

(07:03):
everything from you and not bat a lash. I will
come in meet your father, snatch him right up in
my very palm. And next thing you know, why, your inheritance,
that car you love driving to work every day, Your
sweet sweet childhood room suddenly cleared out and now it's
my aerobics room. And oh yes, I'm going to be

(07:26):
taking all of everything your dreams ever rested on. But
don't worry, dearest, If you listen to this podcast, I'll
teach you how to ensure the brightest, most bountiful future
for yourself. And you might be thinking, why, Stepmom, this
seems awfully philanthropic of you to be doing something as
kind as teaching your sinister ways, teaching the tricks of

(07:49):
the trade to all of the trollops on the town.
And I guess you could say, I did feel a
little like giving. You know, all of the greats always do,
and I not mean now here. I do believe in karma,
even though she is a bit. Now, let me tell
you a little story from my past, a time long ago,

(08:11):
when I too was like you, an absolute nitwit stomping
around an American apparel, when I was living my life
off of the rack and nothing custom, when I was
being lord nose embarrassing taking the subway and not a
car service. It was back back in the day when
I thought I had it all by having a threesome

(08:35):
with a skater and an artist, two of the biggest
offenses you can do. While we were out one night dancing,
having fun, partaking in a little m d m A,
one might say, sipping on some vodka sodas from you
can only imagine the well the next thing. You know,

(08:56):
we decided to experiment because we're living in our youth bohemia,
minded by the fact that it was a dead end.
One thing leads to another. We have a threesome on
a mattress on a floor Jersey Knitch sheets. It's hot, sticky, stinky,
and smelly. The sheets were brown. Who sleeps on brown sheets?

(09:17):
You ask why? The kind of person who doesn't have
access to frette. So once we're done rolling around, I
obviously didn't come. I say good night and wake up
three days later with a bleeding snatch. That's right, A
bleeding snatch that smells like rotted soufur. A bleeding snatch

(09:38):
that is saying to me, stepmother, this is not the
life of your dreams, stepmother. Something is wrong. And what
was wrong? I got the clap that's right, chlamydia. She
attacked me because I was making foolish mistakes, trolloping my
little twat all around the square, saying, Oh, it's no

(10:00):
big deal, I'll just sleep with this. Want to be
bosk yacht. Oh it's no big deal, I'll just sleep
with this. Wanna be tony hawk weill. It turns out
neither of them had any money, so there was no
collateral to be collected. If you're going to be messing
with someone that can give you such a thing, at
least get money for a dear. And that's when I

(10:20):
swore to myself. I swore there was a bigger and
brighter future out there for me, even if it involved
me riding someone so hard I could hear their arthritic
bones snap underneath me. It was a price I was
willing to pay to never get plowed by a hot
young thing with the clap Ever again, knowing full well
that one day, with the amount of money I will

(10:43):
collect from riding someone until they die, but I could
just pay my future skater boyfriend to clean himself up.
So take it from me. Everyone in your life, as
you know it has got to go chow, sayonara, goodbye.
It's time to move on. And if they get mad

(11:04):
at you, if they get sad that you're leaving them, well,
will most certainly be happy in ten years from now.
They can leach off of you at your compound in Malibu.
This very first episode, as we are Tigers in the Jungle,
is about seeking. It's about finding our prized, prized prey,

(11:25):
finding the prey that will soon become ours to keep
forever and all of their bank accounts to. So let's
start with what not to do. As I know all
of you are out there living absolutely pathetic little waste
of life, wasting your time working jobs, dating people that

(11:46):
probably smell like PATROLI. So I am here to lay
it out for you, stupid, stupid, stupid people as easily
as I can. Now. To start, you need to start
up sleeping with people your own age. That's right. Chances
are they make just as much money as you do,

(12:06):
and chances are they're just as lost and confused as
you are. Chances are they probably think the future holds
something big and bright for that, when in fact it doesn't.
So you need to start getting your life together and
wrapping your head around the fact that you are going
to be staring at a pair of old dangling papaya
balls until the day he croaks, which is hopefully sooner

(12:27):
than later. You also need to stop splitting the bill now.
Nothing irks me more than when I see young hot
foxes out on dates with prized packages saying, oh, let's
split it. No, you will not be spending any of
your coin in this seek my dear, you must stop
going to the wrong environment. That is our biggest lesson

(12:51):
number one when seeking. We would never hunt a tiger
in the ocean, now, would we. Nay nay. So all
of those little, cool, little kid hangouts you've so enjoyed
going to in your post grad years from n y
U you can stop attending now. No need to go
to Sophie's Bar on the Lower east Side, No need
to be going any place offering you a shot n

(13:13):
abir combo. From now on, everything will be fifty plus.
That is the crowd that we can get into. That
is the crowd that we can manipulate. That, my dear
sweet listeners, is where we are going to seek. No
more getting dickmatized by some Pete Davidson want to be
because you want to know why they're not Pete Davidson,

(13:34):
darling dearest, And even though they're covered head to toe
and absolutely disturbed Calvin and Hobbes tattoos or whatever the
fuck it, maybe chances are the only way they're getting
around town is on two wheels not connected to a
luxury vehicle. Now, you need to stop letting these lanky
little skater fox wheel their way into your heart. I

(13:58):
don't care if he's won twe me with a dick
that's nineteen thousand inches long. The only thing that will
make me care about that if he was one hundred
and twenty years old. Now. The only acceptable member of
a band moving forward is Mick Jagger. None of this. Oh,
he's in the second coming of the Strokes, nonsense, any musician.

(14:19):
We all know. It's just a life of a tour bus. Dear. Now,
do you think that tour bus is going to pay
for your shopping spree at show pard? I think not.
That gets me to artists generally speaking, they've all got
to go stop trying to live your god forsaken Patti

(14:41):
Smith fantasy. It is not nineteen sixty. You are not
Andy Warhol, You are not amused. You are living in
one fucking some guy whereing god knows what, from who
knows where. That is not what we want for our futures. Vegans,
they are absolutely the worst. Now you're thinking, oh, stepmother's

(15:06):
because they don't eat meat, that they're not carnivorous little
whors like yourself. No, frankly, I don't give a fuck
who eats what as long as they're eating my ass.
But I will say vegans always tend to have morals
and lean socialists, so you must know that your future
will not be bright in bubbling coin. Now, A big

(15:29):
excuse that I hear from time to time is oh,
but they've got potential. Oh, this skater that I've met
in Tompkins Squift Park as potential. Oh, this artist in
oh Ma as potential. Oh my boyfriend working a mediocre
job at H and R Block has potential. Well, you
know what I don't like potential. The only potential I

(15:51):
want is a potential that you're going to die after
we have signed the marriage papers, Darling. The only kind
of potential is the potential for me to absolutely gain
every single ounce of your net worth after you have
officially croaked at the table. I know that you're thinking, Wow,
this is awfully harsh. I don't think I can get

(16:14):
comfortable with the fact that money and this stunning future
of my dreams is evil. Well, welcome to wearing your
big girl pants. These decisions are hard, but if you
want to have a life that isn't hard, you can
start by toning down your morality. Now you're wondering, well, stepmother,

(16:35):
this sounds so hard. I'm so overwhelmed. You want me
to leave my community, leave my friends, try and force
myself to be attracted to these old, archaic pieces of meat.
How do I do that? Where do I start? If
I'm not hanging out at my dive bars, if I'm
not going to the house parties, if I'm not sleeping

(16:56):
with someone who has four roommates step mother, where do
I go? Well? That brings us to what to do,
Where to go, where to seek the prey we want
to catch. Now that we've broken those nasty little habits,

(17:16):
we need to cultivate and create new ones that are
going to lead to good gains and potential suitors. So
the first and foremost step is making sure we are
in the right place at the right time. You need
to be going to correct events and venues. As this
is crucial. You also must learn how to spot the
man that is loaded, hopefully more than just his bank account,

(17:38):
and what to wear while doing it. We can start
easy a NASCAR events, say, or if you're lucky and
you're listening to this in Europe, the Monaco Grand Prix.
These events are great for meeting oil tycoons or CEOs
of another evil company and I know that. You say, well,
I don't want them to be evil. All money is evil,
day or get over it. The good thing about NASCAR

(18:01):
and the Monaco Grand Prix is that people go there
to flaunt, so it's very easy to spy with your
little lie a gold Rolex Daytona or a vintage Brightling
or oh is that a Maserati? I spy. Men like
to be flashy there, and you need to be a
complete dodo. Heead to not be able to clock them.

(18:21):
Why they're everywhere? Oh? What is that? You see a
Gucci loafer and a man with a cane, you better
pounce on that, like Tony the Tiger in the goddamn morning.
But I don't want to pay for tickets to go
to a NASCAR race. I don't want to pay to
go to the Monaco Grand Prix. Fine, there are always
events we can go to for free and not attend ourselves.

(18:42):
Such has been not limited to a plastic surgery convention.
Why these events happen in gorgeous towns such as Scottsdale, Arizona,
La Joya, San Diego, California. Even my Shining Star lost
fucking Vegas. You don't need to attend to the convention,
while you can simply find out what hotels are housing them. Oh,

(19:05):
is the Aria in Vegas housing a brand new plastic
surgery convention for a whole new type of breast augmentation?
Do you happen to be there for one night only
alone looking for someone to split a gorgeous steak with?
The plastic surgery conventions are harder to spot a real
richie rich, but know that for the most part, if

(19:27):
they looked taut and tweaked themselves, they probably want to
taut and tweak you, and they probably have the money
to spend to do it. It's important to remember that
warm weather destinations is also ample time for you to
show your natural beauty, show that body, show that ass,
show them what they're missing, launched in front of their

(19:48):
face so they are drooling on their little feet and
come begging for it. Oh, you're too scared to approach someone,
bump into them. You see an old old man alone
on an elevator carrying a briefcase with a stethoscope around
his neck. Just tell them you feel faint and you
need them to check you out. It's a perfect intro.

(20:09):
Doctors are always good to tell as old as time really,
and chances are a doctor at a plastic surgery convention
is in it to make money. Dear, they're not saving
the kids. Oh, Gallas, another excellent event, always where rich
people go with guilts when they want to feel philanthropic themselves.

(20:31):
An event to attend to flaunt thirty forty fifty a
hundred K towards some god awful donation. Oh, save the elephants,
Save the sharks. The earth is on fire. A perfect
place to find a man with completely liquid income to
flaunt about. Find the highest bidder and you've found your

(20:53):
guy there there with a date, truck them alone, right
down their name and next thing you know, Oh, is
that you I see at the golf club? Is that
you I'm running into at the deli? Why? I had
no idea you'd be here? Pro tip always make sure
you do your due diligence on all of these catches.
You never want to write down a name that potentially

(21:15):
is getting indicted. You never want to write down a
name that is potentially in debt. You never want to
write down a name of someone who has filed for bankruptcy.
You only wanted to be clean, a clean catch is
what we're after. You also want to make sure that
they potentially have a few offshore accounts, and it's important
you get access to those, but that is something we'll

(21:35):
cover in the future. Now that we've discussed in full
where to seek, where to hunt, where to find your prey,
it's time that I take some of your questions that
I know you've been dying to ask. Dear old step

(21:55):
mommy from Germany since the pandemic, I'm having a really
hard time committing to anything. I don't want to buy
a friend, or a steady job, or even a doc
term apartment, anything that ties me down. Fear it's wrong.
And now I'm wondering if I'm just valuing my freedom

(22:18):
the lot after being locked in for SONA, or whether
I'm just scared of commitment. Ah, But maybe my question
is how do I get everything I want without committing
to anything that makes sense? Well? Hello, a vitsn from Germany.

(22:40):
How do I get everything while committing to nothing? Well,
aren't you just aging after my own heart? The only
thing you need to be committing yourself to is securing
the bag. You need to commit to yourself that the
only job you're going to have is spending every waking

(23:01):
moment of every waking day finding someone that you can
take complete advantage of. That way, guess what, You'll never
have to commit to a nine to five in your life.
You'll have all the freedom in the world, not paying
for any of it yourself. You'll be able to jet
off to Abiza, hop on the boat to the say Chells.
You'll be able to take a romp in New York City,

(23:23):
a ski and Aspen, a trip to Why. You'll be
able to go to Iceland and visit York. If you
find someone rich enough, just commit to yourself the life
that you deserve, a life filled with never ending fountains
of funds. And I know you can do it, darling.
Dear Why, there are a lot of richie riches out
in Germany, and if you just get to trotting along,

(23:45):
I'm sure you can find one who will only make
you commit to them for a short time, that is,
until you take everything from them. God speed, dear, and
listen to step mommy step mom, my best friend and
irable about to turn thirty. We love your advice, dudes,
and don't life lessons. We're here for all. Please advise

(24:10):
and thank you well. First and foremost, never tell anyone
you're about to turn thirty. Jesus Christ, it's like I
need to start at the very first lesson with you people.
As far as you're concerned, you will be forever and
always twenty seven years old. I don't care if you're
fifty five and your marinette lines are cracking off of
your god first taken face. You will always be seven.

(24:34):
You will always be just out of college adjusting to
your adult life. You will always be young and care free.
And if anybody asks, quite frankly, dear, it's none of
their business. So for starters, you and your friends aren't
turning thirty. You and your friend are turning again. Now.
What you and your friends must do is kiss goodbye

(24:57):
that old, trollopy life you were living before. Now you're
entering a new time, a new era, a new phase.
You deserve nothing but the best the world has to offer.
You deserve that two hundred and eighty dollar tea bone
steak drenched in gold. You deserve that pair of Minola's
you've been dying for ever since you watch Sex in
the City for the first time. You deserve whatever god awful,

(25:20):
opulent thing your heart desires, and the only way that
you're going to get that is by meeting someone that
can offer to you. But I would suggests going through
your rolodex of high school friends, finding someone who you
know is richie rich and hopefully their father is still around,
and marrying them. Why it's not that hard, dear. A
few years back at home, rekindling old romance with high

(25:44):
school friends, Daddy isn't the worst it could be. It's
always a good place to start, especially now that we're aging. Now,
if that seems a bit too uncomfortable, I would advise
you to start wearing more sunscreen. God, I mean, those
melasma marks are just getting out of control. And oh, please,

(26:07):
please please, that shirt is just when is that from
two thousand six? You need to revamp your wardrobe, darling,
and please stop eating so much pork. You're starting to
smell like brine. Does be really clear you out? Here's
a little secret from step Mom. You want to really

(26:30):
get cleared out for a night of a proper bucket.
Wake up in the morning and don't even think about
touching a glass of water. You pound a black coffee,
and then you pound a V eight. You strap on
your little chinelle running shoes and you take yourself for
a sprint around the block. That's right, full speed sprint.

(26:51):
If you don't come back and spray like a fucking geyser.
And I don't know what will help, but I promise you,
I promise you. That is the step mom, douche, Hey,
step mom. I'm just wondering if you have any tips
on looking your best when you have a little seven

(27:13):
month funding around. Oh, a gorgeous mother. You have to
love a breeder from time to time, now, don't you
now one thing that I was always envious of of
my breeder friends, where they're gorgeous, milking luscious breasts. I
would suggest squshing those things together in a stunning laperl

(27:34):
lebra and trotting them around town for everyone to see. Remember,
you have gorgeous, gorgeous jugs simply dangling off your body,
waiting to become your chest butt. Now, dear, if you're
feeling insecure about your body, please don't I want you
to roll in the sheets with yourself. Remember what makes
you tick. Remember that the whole world wants to be

(27:56):
fucking you, but only you are going to be fucking
yourself tonight. So when you put that little baby down
for an app time, or when you do what my
mother did, sit me in front of the television in
front of a Jane Fondo workout tape. Take some time
to make yourself moan that's right. Take some time to
get back in touch with your vagina. Dear. Remember it

(28:17):
doesn't just have to crack open for the child. It
can also split open for the gods of club. So
I will remind you that you're absolutely stunning and the
whole world can't wait for you to remember that. Hey girl,
how do I choose between either dating a attorney or

(28:38):
pretty put together kind of legal drug dealer? M hm?
A classic conundrum. Really, now, I want you to do
something that not all of us do and actually take
a moment to consider the assets here. What are they
each making annually? A semi legal drug dealer could be
racking in a lot, but I would suggest you to

(29:00):
run for the hills if it is not an organic
drug such as marijuana or potentially psilocybin mushrooms. Anything else
will simply implicate you and potentially send you to jail
for a long time, and well, we don't want that.
So I need you to consider how legal. It is
exactly now. Both have the opportunity for a lot of
financial gain, and in some ways drugs have more of

(29:21):
that than being an attorney. What kind of attorney is he?
If he's doing something so stupid as representing I don't know,
the public, then maybe the drug dealer is better. But
if he is smart and representing of course completely corrupt
companies and people, then you have a shot of living
the life of luxury. I know it is you're seeking. Now,
please be cautious in this drug dealer world. I would

(29:46):
hate to see you get swept up on a stunning
sailboat trafficking some gorgeous, gorgeous drugs from how do to't
know Portugal to same parts. That would be a true shame. Oh.
I do applaud you though on your taste in men.
It sounds like you really know what you're doing and
not fucking around. Well, what a gorgeous episode of step

(30:08):
Mom it was today. I hope you enjoyed episode one
of the husband hunt. I hope that you'll remember that
now is the time we start to seek. Now is
the time we go out into the wild and try
and find our precious prey. Now is the time we
break those nasty old habits, such as sleeping around with
you know who and you know where. Now is the

(30:28):
time we say goodbye to all of that shitty fabric
and all of those stinky apartments, and hello to places
like the carlysle and the Upper east Side. Now is
the time you get comfortable with the fact that maybe
your future isn't in Greenwich Village, but in Greenwich, Connecticut.
Maybe now is the time we go out of our

(30:50):
comfort zones and start attending events for big people adults.
When we seek, when we go out into the field,
when we go hunt ing, we must be prepared to
turn into a kind of animal we are not comfortable with. Yet,
I promise you, DearS, it's worth it. Once you adjust,

(31:11):
once you see, you'll see all of the wealth round you.
It's just waiting for you to come in and grab
It's right there in front of you. Dear, don't be
a fool until next time. It's me, your stepmother. And
this has been the husband who