December 24, 2018 • 24 mins
It's that time of year again! Join Jamie Loftus, Caitlin Durante, Edgar Momplaisir, Anna Hossnieh, Shereen Younes, Jack O'Brien, Miles Gray, Robert Evans, Jacquis Neal, Sophie Lichterman, and Anna Salinas as they do a table read of Santa University, part two!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi, everyone, This is Jamie Loftus and you're listening to
Thank you so much. I invited all my phone to
plod for me today. Uh. It's that time of year, everyone,
where we read an excerpt from my unproduced five hour
(00:26):
long screenplay Santa University. Uh. We did it last year
and uh at least two or three people enjoyed it,
which was enough reason to get back on the fucking
horse and write another section of the movie. So, uh,
we've got We've got approximately five people in the room today,
(00:50):
thrilled to have everyone there. Uh uh and yeah, I
will do a brief recap of what I mean. If
you are not caught up on the Santa University multiverse,
we'll catch up. But let's let's meet our cast first.
(01:13):
My name is Jamie. I'll be reading the action lines today.
Let's let's let's go this way. My name is Jack O'Brien.
I will be playing God Santa. I'm Robert Evans and
I'm going to be second Amendment Santa. I'm honestly nous
and I'm gonna do hot Elf and Mike Santa. Hello.
My name is Edgarmope was there, and I'll be playing
Cool Santa. Thank you. My name is Caitlin Darante and
(01:36):
I am not hot Elf, Jill Santa, Ticket, Terry Santa,
Weed Santa and too many DVDs Santa. Yeah. Hi, my
name is Miles and um I'll be playing Dan Santa today. Sorry. Great. Hello.
My name is Jacques samad Neil and I will be
(01:57):
playing Onion Santa in the Hell Santa Podcast, Santa Arms
for Eyes Santa, and honored to be also playing Jamie. Hi.
My name is Anna Hostnia and i will be reprising
my role as Gal Santa. Hi. I'm Sophia like Jermy,
(02:18):
and I'll be paying the L four woman. Hi. My
name is Sharne Lana Unite, and I'll be playing Intellect
Santa and Panicked Santa. Al Right, well, sorry in advance.
If this is bad, let's begin. Did I read it regular?
(02:38):
I'll be a regular voice. I trust, I trust your
your work. I mean you're reprising the lead role, so
no regular should do it. Fine? That little encouraging you could, alright.
(03:08):
Exterior Santa University construction site. Note if any actor tries
to improvise during the filming of this movie, I will
kill myself. It's the prologue to the movie Santa University
that no one has expressed interest in during the ensuing
months of its last performance. In fact, very little has changed.
(03:29):
In fact, the expected trajectory of late capitalism and personal
despair has just continued. Anyways, hot Elf and not hot
Elf are using tiny hammers to build Santa University and
hold discourse. I don't understand all Santa's need to die. Hey,
shut up, you're not hot, and I don't have to
listen to you. Why not just accept applications spectacle? You
(03:53):
fuck has to be a better way. I don't have
to listen to you. You look like shit. The Oh
for a Woman Progressive appears. Does anyone remember what happened
in Santa University last year? Let's ask the writer of
at the University. She is hot. Not hot Elf pulls
(04:15):
Jamie from a nearby pile of rubble. She is a
little shaken from whatever experience landed her in the rubble,
but it is nonetheless thrilled to be there. Hey, everyone,
the last time we heard from Santa University it was
two thousand and seventeen. Now it is two thousand and eighteen,
and we have all decayed, including the writer's brain. So
this might not be as funny as the first one. Anyways.
(04:38):
Santa University is a tale as old as time. Dan Santa,
who looks like shit and can't even read, gets recruited
to go to Santa University after he gets rejected from
every college even lets. He goes to Santa You and
meets Dean Santa, the guy in charge, who tells him
that every year forty thou santa Is are admitted and
(05:00):
thirty nine thousand, nine d and ninety nine are killed
before graduation, crowning the one true Santa. Also, there are
female characters, but they are criminally underwritten. Gal Santa, for example,
is dating Cool Santa, but Cool Santa is a bit
of a jerk. There was a Santa named then Santa
who explodes into a cloud of blood. Anyway, at the end,
(05:23):
Dan Santa is killed. Here are some scenes that did
not make the cut last year. Goodbye, Thank you, Jamie.
That was a useful update. Hot Elf strangles not hot
Elf She's had enough. Not hot Elf simply isn't hot
enough to continue to live. Not hot Elf dies ah YouTube,
back to work, Jamie camera and smiles. I hope you
(05:45):
enjoyed this opening bit. Everyone on with the show Interior
Cafeteria day, Dan Santa and his loyal hot topic friend,
Goth Santa sit at the table with Gal Santa and
intellect Santa. Three of the meat, candy can and ham broth.
Dan Santa eat the glass. I failed my jingle mid
tim and his punishment, I must eat glass. You are
(06:07):
bad at school, sure that you will die soon? Is
everyone going to Santa prom unless you're a Dan Santa
and have a stupid mouthful of glass? That is promise?
Stupid Cool Santa, who was cool with muscles, approaches Cool
Santa coming through. He picks up Scrawny Santa, who never
did anything but help but raise his younger siblings when
(06:28):
his mother died in an avalanche, and snaps his neck.
No one reacts. Santa University is steeped in a culture
of death. Cool Santa places his hands, still covered in
the blood of Scrawny Santa, on Gal Santa's shoulders. Babe,
high Cool Santa my boyfriend for now. That is Cool Santa.
Promise for idiots. As a Goth, I frequently adopt a
(06:50):
counter culture stance to the norm, so I also feel
that prom is not for me, or should more closely
resemble a Tim Burton movie, but everyone's going to be there.
Light music starts. God Santa looks alarmed. Oh god, he's
not gonna sing, is he. He's snapping his fingers and
looking bagily in the distance. Just sing the Santas will
(07:14):
be there. Oh my god, he's gonna sing. Cool Santa.
If you love me, you will not sing this song
too late. The song is begun as Cool Santa sings
about each Santa. They pop out and single line themselves.
So begins one of the worst songs in Santa University song,
Meet the Santa. Writer's note, this is the song where
you meet on the Santa all the Santa's, most of
(07:36):
them will die. Santa, holding an onion, sings to camera,
Oh boy, your Santa, and I think I might cries,
and then tell Santa who will try to give you
a red pill? At the in cell Santa, who wears
a red Santa hood, he flips the camera off. I
never fucked, and often that means I will kill everyone Santa, unless,
(08:01):
of course die. Podcast Santa wears a flannel and a
supreme hat and waves a portable recorder at the camera.
I'm podcast Santa, and I've got a strong opinion, the
only people who agree always being agains. Here's a Santa
who was arms for uy Mood I wish to die,
(08:21):
and the Santa too many DVDs, Many DVD Santa does
a cart wheel, only Blue raised a whiplash, and Titania.
My personality is DVDs, regretfully. The song continues for twenty
six more. Versus There's a Santa who's in the d
s A a sneaker heads Hannah, a Santa raised by
old parents who has a three minute acapella solo about
(08:43):
how kids who grow up with old parents are fucking weird.
Everyone's exhausted. Note do not shorten this song or put
it in montage for any reason. This should be a
minimum of fourteen minutes. Second note, there should be security
in the theaters to ensure people do not leave during
this song. I will personally fund security staff to supervise
(09:04):
people in their homes if they are streaming Santa University.
If anyone, anyone at all streams the movie illegally, I
swear to God, I'll kill my cousin. At the end,
Cool Santa leans into Gal Santa. She is so upset
the song was so long. She's crying. Set prom he
frolics off. Gal Santa is distressed. She looks to the others,
(09:27):
but God Santa is gone. Where's God Santa? Oh? He
decided to go see Welcome Tomorrow when sometime during the
third verse, God Santa returned to the bucket of popcorn.
Tell you what I did? Feel welcome in Marwin? Is
the song done? You just finished my oh wow long song.
I don't think I want to date Cool Santa anymore?
(09:49):
Does that mean you wanted to date me? Gal Santa
throws a glass of egg Nogget Dan Santa, Dan Santa,
I can't say it enough. I look like shit and
I can't even read. The best way to break up
with Cool Santa would be to kill him. My dad
would be so mad if I killed Cool Santa. Trust me,
(10:11):
we can make a look an accident. As an intellectual,
I can talk the computers because Cool Santa can be
layer to death during the prom a laser to death.
Thank you so much, that's my fault, smile emoji. Plus,
if we mess it up, we can always have Dan
Santa and golf Sand to finish the job. They all
who will do whatever we say. It is true, Dan Santa,
(10:34):
you don't have to kill cool Santa, but perhaps it
would increase my esteem in your eyes if I did. Therefore,
moving our relationship forward, as we latch into the fourth
act of Santa University, dance Santa, shut your fucking mouth.
I will do it, Gal Santa, I will assist in
the kill. Smile, smile, smile, smile, smack, ellipses, smile, smile
(10:59):
with my tongue out, smile with an angry eyebrows. A
long beat between the four of them. You gotta see.
Welcome to Marrowin exterior the woods day received studio note
that Santa University didn't have enough Middle America a few
Dan Santa is wandering around the fringes of the Santa
(11:21):
University campus, looking like ship and not being able to
read as usual idiot, He talks to himself expositorially, Oh
man sent to University is so messed up. He steps
over the corpse of stand up comedian Santa, which was
probably for the best. Only briefly into the second act
of the movie Santa University, and already I Dan Santa,
(11:43):
the protagonists have proven myself to be a fish out
of water in this situation, now I am left being
asked to kill the coolest Santa in school. That being
cool Santa with nor knowledge of murder, I fear I
will always be a virgin who will never get kiss.
If only they were a mentor for me to discuss
(12:06):
these issues. Rustle in the bushes, Dan Santa quakes, I'm
quaking Second Amendment Santa. A grizzled Santa holding a musket
looms from the bushes. Dan Santa continues to quake. Somebody say,
a mentor for me to discuss these issues? Who are you?
I'm sick and Amendment Santa? Stinky? May I explain my
(12:27):
predicament in a song? He launches into his number, A
sultry little number that is a little Marlena Dietrich Honey
note For this song, it has to be completely improvised
by the actor explaining how he escapes Santa University and
has been living in the woods with a stockpile of guns. Unfortunately,
(12:48):
if the actor complies with the improvisation, he will have
to be killed per the note at the beginning of
the script. However, it has to be improvised song as
many guns as possible, regardless of what society he dictates.
Some people say that dead children aren't worth it for
some guns. But counter to that, may I propose to you, sir,
(13:12):
they look kind of neat. They look they look kind
of neat. So some schools might die, and some mall's
might get shot up, and some churches are gonna get
shot too, and nightclubs are gonna get shot. A lot
of movie theaters, a lot of shootings in movie theaters,
Christmas markets, really, any kind of public situation you can imagine. Yeah,
(13:35):
it's not, it's but you know it's it. If I've
go wow, really encry. Uh, He does a full split,
holding his musket up like a throbbing fallace. Dan Santa
still looking pretty bad and his reading skills not improved. Applaud.
(13:57):
So you escape Santa University. Had to fake my own death,
harpooned a friend and made it look like me. I've
been living in the bushes for five years, surviving on
the routing flesh of the stand up comedian Santa's wow
sacking amendment, Santa, I've really formed a bond with you.
Thank you. Did you know I kissed my gun before bedtime? Well?
I do are Maybe I'll get to watch it sometime.
(14:22):
What what that that came out wrong? I hope so
I just meant that, um no, no fence stand Santa.
But I'm not interested. That's not what I was saying.
And it's not because I'm I'm not queer and completely
accepting of queer culture, because I am. But you know,
my freaking gosh, mate, I am sorry embarrassed because you
look like shit. They sit in silence for a moment,
(14:44):
ruminating on Dan Santa's predicament, looking like shit. So do
you want to go to prom with me? I'd love
to Interior that don't hack in here room day, Gal
Santa and Intellect Santa sitting that don't hack room, and
yet they're hacking in Alexanta. My dad said, we're not
supposed to be hacking, and they don't hack in here room?
(15:07):
What makes them say that? Gal Santa stares at the
large sign reading don't hack. I'm not sure. A male
professor was telling me that if we hack into the
Santa University mainframe, we can control what happens at the
Santa Prom, the Santa Prom, the Santa Prom, the Santa
How did he say you could hack the prom? Pretty simple?
(15:29):
The Gymnasi unum is a rig with all sorts of
murder weapons during jingle practice and slave training and a
third Christmas sport, but the Dean Santa turns them off
during the prom to keep the Santa safe. To flick
his stick to the security footage, My dad is really cool.
Her dad is Dean Santa. Are you going to prom
the Santa prom with Dan Santa? No way, he looks
(15:51):
like ship, and don't forget he can't read. And at
this point in the narrative, Cool Santa is still my boyfriend. Hey,
did this seem pass the Bechdel test? No thought took
special care that it wouldn't. Leo Tolstoy. Why did you say,
Leo Tolstoy? Because if I hadn't, that exchange would have
passed the Battel test. Leo Tolstoy, Tolstoy. Jonathan, Friends and
(16:14):
Interior Santa prom night, Dan Santa and Gossanta wait in
line for Santa prom, looking like ship as usual. The
second Amendment. Santa is there too, and he cleans up
nice Weed Santa cuts them in line. Weed Santa, Man,
he's so cool. Do you remember the plant golf? Santa
my closest ally at Santa University. Yes, but for the
(16:38):
benefit of the audience, I will repeat it. The objective
of our promission is to kill Cool Santa, both because
he is a bully because that song he sang was
very long. In case the heck doesn't work, I will
have Second Amendment Santa use his musket to end Cool Santa.
Feels good to be part of something bigger than myself
(17:00):
against the cough heavily. I'm sorry. I've been living on
rotten flesh for several years, and I'm riddled with disease
as a result. Second Amendment Santa, you are wild. It
is their turn to go into the prom Ticket tearing
Santa tears their tickets. This is my time to shine.
Nice tad ticket tearing Santa, thank you, Dan Santa. Not
(17:23):
that I have torn the last ticket, I can finally
leave this earth, which has caused me such pain. Ticket
during Santa produces a sword and cut his own head off.
It's sad at first, but then you see his spirit
soar to heaven. Then it's kind of nice. Dan Santa.
Gos Santa and Second Amendment Santa proceed into the interior
(17:44):
Santa University Gymnasium. Night Everyone's loving the prom. Cool Santa
in particulars dancing is cool ass off, eyeing the prom
King and queen thrones across the room. Dan and Goth
can't resist the music and begin to dance badly. Interior
that don't hack and hear room today intellect Santa is hacking.
Gal Santa stares at the don't hack sign. Yeah, I'm
(18:06):
just feeling like we shouldn't hack here. Okay, so I
am in hacking and computer. The lasers are in place. Remember,
just kill cool Santa. I don't want to give blood
on my hands. Aside from the hundreds of Santa's, I
will need to kill with my hands to survive this year.
They're in position Santa University Gymnasium. Go Santa's dancing to
I write sins, not tragedies. He's thriving. Dan Santa stands
(18:29):
nervously on the sidelines with Second Amendment. Santa, I feel
that politically I should say that I don't agree with
bringing a musket to Santa Brome. You are heard. Dan
Santa looks up to the ceiling where the Santa lasers
are in place. They start to shift and we can
see their pointing directly at Cool Santa, who is mocking
God Santa's terrible Danna interior. Don't hack in here, room
(18:53):
to repeat what Dan Santa just said to increase tension.
This is it. She presses enter and allowed zappas her
Gal Santa winces and we see Gymnasium zap the laser
Mrs Cool Santa and hits in South Santa. He explodes,
the prom gasps a panic Santa shouts to the heavens,
we have anchored the lever. Don't hack and hear room
(19:15):
Gal Santa's frantic intellect. Santa's frozen. You missed, you missed Gymnasium.
Dan Santa and Second Amendment Santa run to God Santa
as the laser continues to zap at random, taking out
Santa's We've got to get out of here due to
the danger, not before I get Cool Santa before he
can finish the sentence. Second Amendment Santa is hit by
(19:35):
a laser and explodes in slow motion as Ave Maria
plays Dan Santa is so upset. Second Amendment Santa is
an unrecognizable pile of Santa flesh far more gold, another
b character we have grown attached to deceased. Note it
(19:59):
is critical that the actor playing Second Amendment Santa is
actually killed due to their breaking of the improvisational rule earlier.
I'm kild someone please kill Robert. The laser continues to rage.
Just Dan and God turned to flee the room, but
they bump into Jill and Mike Santa, Dan Santa's parents.
(20:20):
He shocked. They haven't appeared since page one of Santa University, Dad,
what are you doing at the prom? At the end
of Acts two, Dan Santa, we just wanted to say
we're sorry for everything. We never should have rented out
your room out to the clowns we met on Tinder.
The clowns were rude and the sex was only okay.
(20:43):
The drugs were great. Oh yeah, the drugs were great.
But then one of the clowns overdosed and their insurance
was being weird about it. So we went to prison
for involuntary involuntary menslata of one of the Tinder clowns.
Prison was fun. Prison was fun, but then we got bored,
so we escyped. Anyway, how school, God, is this something
(21:06):
terrible that's about to happen? We're kidding, we don't actually care.
How school is. Is there free food if the cops
come for us. You have to lie or we'll have
one of the clowns kill you. You don't you guys
don't understand something terrible is going to happen. The lazer
strikes again, taking out several Santa's in the corner who
are French kissing each other. God Santa grabs second amendment
(21:29):
in Santa's musket and throws it at the laser. It misses.
God Santa, you flaccid white gos said. It won't be deterred.
He grabs the musket and throws it at the laser again.
This time it lodges into the laser and it explodes.
Note has to be real explosion with many casualties. All right,
we'll walk off the set, Dan Santa. Look at what
your flaccid friend just did in spite of his flacidity.
(21:51):
We are impressed. Who was trying to kill me, Dan Santa?
Was it you? Santa's furious, I'm furious. He makes a
beeline for Dan Santa and God Santa, but Gal Santa
appeared from nowhere before he's able to snap Dan Santa's
neck like he's been having wet dreams about Stop cool Santa.
Dan Santa and God, Santa were my stooges. I was
(22:12):
trying to kill you. Santa peaks around, Gal, I was
the brains of the She's cut off. Smart women never
get to finish their sentence when hot people around. It sucks, Gal, Santa,
this is this is going to cause friction in our relationship.
Cool Santa, you never listen to me. All you ever
do is playing Nintendo Switch. Kill your friends, and send
me links to Wikipedia pages about various wars. Cool Santa
(22:35):
breaks down in tears, a rare showing from a hyper
masculine Santa, and we applaud him for it. You're right, Gal,
I don't know how to express myself and my love,
and therefore send you links about the Gulf War. Please
forgive me, Cool Santa. I am stunned by your tears
and have resolved to give you another chance. And I'm
(22:56):
hoping that this is not emotional manipulation. She begins to
sing the theme from Santa You we all know and love,
It's just another year at Suddenly the music picks up
and a ray of light shines through the gymnasium. Jingle
bells ring and the ghosts of the prom casualty Santa's
rise from the grave and begin to dance to a
jaunty beat. Santasity Santa Santa Santa University. Every year santastic
(23:26):
come here, even though it means they may die. But
just because it might cost your life, does he mean
he shoot in Troy? You'd think there'd be a better
vetting system, but there's not. Betray your friends and bring
your own knife or my name isn't Gothy Santa hack failed,
(23:55):
but that doesn't mean we'll all get killed this year.
I just love going to Santa for you, living all
the Santa Santa Santa y Santa Santa Santa and seen. Wow, guys,
thank you so much and un incredible performance by all
(24:19):
r I P. Robert eavens uh and uh that's that's all.
Thank you very Christmas. Yeah, Christmas, Sorry, happy holiday, Bloody
war on Christmas, Jesus Christ play some notes for my
character
Hi, everyone, This is Jamie Loftus and you're listening to
Thank you so much. I invited all my phone to
plod for me today. Uh. It's that time of year, everyone,
where we read an excerpt from my unproduced five hour
(00:26):
long screenplay Santa University. Uh. We did it last year
and uh at least two or three people enjoyed it,
which was enough reason to get back on the fucking
horse and write another section of the movie. So, uh,
we've got We've got approximately five people in the room today,
(00:50):
thrilled to have everyone there. Uh uh and yeah, I
will do a brief recap of what I mean. If
you are not caught up on the Santa University multiverse,
we'll catch up. But let's let's meet our cast first.
(01:13):
My name is Jamie. I'll be reading the action lines today.
Let's let's let's go this way. My name is Jack O'Brien.
I will be playing God Santa. I'm Robert Evans and
I'm going to be second Amendment Santa. I'm honestly nous
and I'm gonna do hot Elf and Mike Santa. Hello.
My name is Edgarmope was there, and I'll be playing
Cool Santa. Thank you. My name is Caitlin Darante and
(01:36):
I am not hot Elf, Jill Santa, Ticket, Terry Santa,
Weed Santa and too many DVDs Santa. Yeah. Hi, my
name is Miles and um I'll be playing Dan Santa today. Sorry. Great. Hello.
My name is Jacques samad Neil and I will be
(01:57):
playing Onion Santa in the Hell Santa Podcast, Santa Arms
for Eyes Santa, and honored to be also playing Jamie. Hi.
My name is Anna Hostnia and i will be reprising
my role as Gal Santa. Hi. I'm Sophia like Jermy,
(02:18):
and I'll be paying the L four woman. Hi. My
name is Sharne Lana Unite, and I'll be playing Intellect
Santa and Panicked Santa. Al Right, well, sorry in advance.
If this is bad, let's begin. Did I read it regular?
(02:38):
I'll be a regular voice. I trust, I trust your
your work. I mean you're reprising the lead role, so
no regular should do it. Fine? That little encouraging you could, alright.
(03:08):
Exterior Santa University construction site. Note if any actor tries
to improvise during the filming of this movie, I will
kill myself. It's the prologue to the movie Santa University
that no one has expressed interest in during the ensuing
months of its last performance. In fact, very little has changed.
(03:29):
In fact, the expected trajectory of late capitalism and personal
despair has just continued. Anyways, hot Elf and not hot
Elf are using tiny hammers to build Santa University and
hold discourse. I don't understand all Santa's need to die. Hey,
shut up, you're not hot, and I don't have to
listen to you. Why not just accept applications spectacle? You
(03:53):
fuck has to be a better way. I don't have
to listen to you. You look like shit. The Oh
for a Woman Progressive appears. Does anyone remember what happened
in Santa University last year? Let's ask the writer of
at the University. She is hot. Not hot Elf pulls
(04:15):
Jamie from a nearby pile of rubble. She is a
little shaken from whatever experience landed her in the rubble,
but it is nonetheless thrilled to be there. Hey, everyone,
the last time we heard from Santa University it was
two thousand and seventeen. Now it is two thousand and eighteen,
and we have all decayed, including the writer's brain. So
this might not be as funny as the first one. Anyways.
(04:38):
Santa University is a tale as old as time. Dan Santa,
who looks like shit and can't even read, gets recruited
to go to Santa University after he gets rejected from
every college even lets. He goes to Santa You and
meets Dean Santa, the guy in charge, who tells him
that every year forty thou santa Is are admitted and
(05:00):
thirty nine thousand, nine d and ninety nine are killed
before graduation, crowning the one true Santa. Also, there are
female characters, but they are criminally underwritten. Gal Santa, for example,
is dating Cool Santa, but Cool Santa is a bit
of a jerk. There was a Santa named then Santa
who explodes into a cloud of blood. Anyway, at the end,
(05:23):
Dan Santa is killed. Here are some scenes that did
not make the cut last year. Goodbye, Thank you, Jamie.
That was a useful update. Hot Elf strangles not hot
Elf She's had enough. Not hot Elf simply isn't hot
enough to continue to live. Not hot Elf dies ah YouTube,
back to work, Jamie camera and smiles. I hope you
(05:45):
enjoyed this opening bit. Everyone on with the show Interior
Cafeteria day, Dan Santa and his loyal hot topic friend,
Goth Santa sit at the table with Gal Santa and
intellect Santa. Three of the meat, candy can and ham broth.
Dan Santa eat the glass. I failed my jingle mid
tim and his punishment, I must eat glass. You are
(06:07):
bad at school, sure that you will die soon? Is
everyone going to Santa prom unless you're a Dan Santa
and have a stupid mouthful of glass? That is promise?
Stupid Cool Santa, who was cool with muscles, approaches Cool
Santa coming through. He picks up Scrawny Santa, who never
did anything but help but raise his younger siblings when
(06:28):
his mother died in an avalanche, and snaps his neck.
No one reacts. Santa University is steeped in a culture
of death. Cool Santa places his hands, still covered in
the blood of Scrawny Santa, on Gal Santa's shoulders. Babe,
high Cool Santa my boyfriend for now. That is Cool Santa.
Promise for idiots. As a Goth, I frequently adopt a
(06:50):
counter culture stance to the norm, so I also feel
that prom is not for me, or should more closely
resemble a Tim Burton movie, but everyone's going to be there.
Light music starts. God Santa looks alarmed. Oh god, he's
not gonna sing, is he. He's snapping his fingers and
looking bagily in the distance. Just sing the Santas will
(07:14):
be there. Oh my god, he's gonna sing. Cool Santa.
If you love me, you will not sing this song
too late. The song is begun as Cool Santa sings
about each Santa. They pop out and single line themselves.
So begins one of the worst songs in Santa University song,
Meet the Santa. Writer's note, this is the song where
you meet on the Santa all the Santa's, most of
(07:36):
them will die. Santa, holding an onion, sings to camera,
Oh boy, your Santa, and I think I might cries,
and then tell Santa who will try to give you
a red pill? At the in cell Santa, who wears
a red Santa hood, he flips the camera off. I
never fucked, and often that means I will kill everyone Santa, unless,
(08:01):
of course die. Podcast Santa wears a flannel and a
supreme hat and waves a portable recorder at the camera.
I'm podcast Santa, and I've got a strong opinion, the
only people who agree always being agains. Here's a Santa
who was arms for uy Mood I wish to die,
(08:21):
and the Santa too many DVDs, Many DVD Santa does
a cart wheel, only Blue raised a whiplash, and Titania.
My personality is DVDs, regretfully. The song continues for twenty
six more. Versus There's a Santa who's in the d
s A a sneaker heads Hannah, a Santa raised by
old parents who has a three minute acapella solo about
(08:43):
how kids who grow up with old parents are fucking weird.
Everyone's exhausted. Note do not shorten this song or put
it in montage for any reason. This should be a
minimum of fourteen minutes. Second note, there should be security
in the theaters to ensure people do not leave during
this song. I will personally fund security staff to supervise
(09:04):
people in their homes if they are streaming Santa University.
If anyone, anyone at all streams the movie illegally, I
swear to God, I'll kill my cousin. At the end,
Cool Santa leans into Gal Santa. She is so upset
the song was so long. She's crying. Set prom he
frolics off. Gal Santa is distressed. She looks to the others,
(09:27):
but God Santa is gone. Where's God Santa? Oh? He
decided to go see Welcome Tomorrow when sometime during the
third verse, God Santa returned to the bucket of popcorn.
Tell you what I did? Feel welcome in Marwin? Is
the song done? You just finished my oh wow long song.
I don't think I want to date Cool Santa anymore?
(09:49):
Does that mean you wanted to date me? Gal Santa
throws a glass of egg Nogget Dan Santa, Dan Santa,
I can't say it enough. I look like shit and
I can't even read. The best way to break up
with Cool Santa would be to kill him. My dad
would be so mad if I killed Cool Santa. Trust me,
(10:11):
we can make a look an accident. As an intellectual,
I can talk the computers because Cool Santa can be
layer to death during the prom a laser to death.
Thank you so much, that's my fault, smile emoji. Plus,
if we mess it up, we can always have Dan
Santa and golf Sand to finish the job. They all
who will do whatever we say. It is true, Dan Santa,
(10:34):
you don't have to kill cool Santa, but perhaps it
would increase my esteem in your eyes if I did. Therefore,
moving our relationship forward, as we latch into the fourth
act of Santa University, dance Santa, shut your fucking mouth.
I will do it, Gal Santa, I will assist in
the kill. Smile, smile, smile, smile, smack, ellipses, smile, smile
(10:59):
with my tongue out, smile with an angry eyebrows. A
long beat between the four of them. You gotta see.
Welcome to Marrowin exterior the woods day received studio note
that Santa University didn't have enough Middle America a few
Dan Santa is wandering around the fringes of the Santa
(11:21):
University campus, looking like ship and not being able to
read as usual idiot, He talks to himself expositorially, Oh
man sent to University is so messed up. He steps
over the corpse of stand up comedian Santa, which was
probably for the best. Only briefly into the second act
of the movie Santa University, and already I Dan Santa,
(11:43):
the protagonists have proven myself to be a fish out
of water in this situation, now I am left being
asked to kill the coolest Santa in school. That being
cool Santa with nor knowledge of murder, I fear I
will always be a virgin who will never get kiss.
If only they were a mentor for me to discuss
(12:06):
these issues. Rustle in the bushes, Dan Santa quakes, I'm
quaking Second Amendment Santa. A grizzled Santa holding a musket
looms from the bushes. Dan Santa continues to quake. Somebody say,
a mentor for me to discuss these issues? Who are you?
I'm sick and Amendment Santa? Stinky? May I explain my
(12:27):
predicament in a song? He launches into his number, A
sultry little number that is a little Marlena Dietrich Honey
note For this song, it has to be completely improvised
by the actor explaining how he escapes Santa University and
has been living in the woods with a stockpile of guns. Unfortunately,
(12:48):
if the actor complies with the improvisation, he will have
to be killed per the note at the beginning of
the script. However, it has to be improvised song as
many guns as possible, regardless of what society he dictates.
Some people say that dead children aren't worth it for
some guns. But counter to that, may I propose to you, sir,
(13:12):
they look kind of neat. They look they look kind
of neat. So some schools might die, and some mall's
might get shot up, and some churches are gonna get
shot too, and nightclubs are gonna get shot. A lot
of movie theaters, a lot of shootings in movie theaters,
Christmas markets, really, any kind of public situation you can imagine. Yeah,
(13:35):
it's not, it's but you know it's it. If I've
go wow, really encry. Uh, He does a full split,
holding his musket up like a throbbing fallace. Dan Santa
still looking pretty bad and his reading skills not improved. Applaud.
(13:57):
So you escape Santa University. Had to fake my own death,
harpooned a friend and made it look like me. I've
been living in the bushes for five years, surviving on
the routing flesh of the stand up comedian Santa's wow
sacking amendment, Santa, I've really formed a bond with you.
Thank you. Did you know I kissed my gun before bedtime? Well?
I do are Maybe I'll get to watch it sometime.
(14:22):
What what that that came out wrong? I hope so
I just meant that, um no, no fence stand Santa.
But I'm not interested. That's not what I was saying.
And it's not because I'm I'm not queer and completely
accepting of queer culture, because I am. But you know,
my freaking gosh, mate, I am sorry embarrassed because you
look like shit. They sit in silence for a moment,
(14:44):
ruminating on Dan Santa's predicament, looking like shit. So do
you want to go to prom with me? I'd love
to Interior that don't hack in here room day, Gal
Santa and Intellect Santa sitting that don't hack room, and
yet they're hacking in Alexanta. My dad said, we're not
supposed to be hacking, and they don't hack in here room?
(15:07):
What makes them say that? Gal Santa stares at the
large sign reading don't hack. I'm not sure. A male
professor was telling me that if we hack into the
Santa University mainframe, we can control what happens at the
Santa Prom, the Santa Prom, the Santa Prom, the Santa
How did he say you could hack the prom? Pretty simple?
(15:29):
The Gymnasi unum is a rig with all sorts of
murder weapons during jingle practice and slave training and a
third Christmas sport, but the Dean Santa turns them off
during the prom to keep the Santa safe. To flick
his stick to the security footage, My dad is really cool.
Her dad is Dean Santa. Are you going to prom
the Santa prom with Dan Santa? No way, he looks
(15:51):
like ship, and don't forget he can't read. And at
this point in the narrative, Cool Santa is still my boyfriend. Hey,
did this seem pass the Bechdel test? No thought took
special care that it wouldn't. Leo Tolstoy. Why did you say,
Leo Tolstoy? Because if I hadn't, that exchange would have
passed the Battel test. Leo Tolstoy, Tolstoy. Jonathan, Friends and
(16:14):
Interior Santa prom night, Dan Santa and Gossanta wait in
line for Santa prom, looking like ship as usual. The
second Amendment. Santa is there too, and he cleans up
nice Weed Santa cuts them in line. Weed Santa, Man,
he's so cool. Do you remember the plant golf? Santa
my closest ally at Santa University. Yes, but for the
(16:38):
benefit of the audience, I will repeat it. The objective
of our promission is to kill Cool Santa, both because
he is a bully because that song he sang was
very long. In case the heck doesn't work, I will
have Second Amendment Santa use his musket to end Cool Santa.
Feels good to be part of something bigger than myself
(17:00):
against the cough heavily. I'm sorry. I've been living on
rotten flesh for several years, and I'm riddled with disease
as a result. Second Amendment Santa, you are wild. It
is their turn to go into the prom Ticket tearing
Santa tears their tickets. This is my time to shine.
Nice tad ticket tearing Santa, thank you, Dan Santa. Not
(17:23):
that I have torn the last ticket, I can finally
leave this earth, which has caused me such pain. Ticket
during Santa produces a sword and cut his own head off.
It's sad at first, but then you see his spirit
soar to heaven. Then it's kind of nice. Dan Santa.
Gos Santa and Second Amendment Santa proceed into the interior
(17:44):
Santa University Gymnasium. Night Everyone's loving the prom. Cool Santa
in particulars dancing is cool ass off, eyeing the prom
King and queen thrones across the room. Dan and Goth
can't resist the music and begin to dance badly. Interior
that don't hack and hear room today intellect Santa is hacking.
Gal Santa stares at the don't hack sign. Yeah, I'm
(18:06):
just feeling like we shouldn't hack here. Okay, so I
am in hacking and computer. The lasers are in place. Remember,
just kill cool Santa. I don't want to give blood
on my hands. Aside from the hundreds of Santa's, I
will need to kill with my hands to survive this year.
They're in position Santa University Gymnasium. Go Santa's dancing to
I write sins, not tragedies. He's thriving. Dan Santa stands
(18:29):
nervously on the sidelines with Second Amendment. Santa, I feel
that politically I should say that I don't agree with
bringing a musket to Santa Brome. You are heard. Dan
Santa looks up to the ceiling where the Santa lasers
are in place. They start to shift and we can
see their pointing directly at Cool Santa, who is mocking
God Santa's terrible Danna interior. Don't hack in here, room
(18:53):
to repeat what Dan Santa just said to increase tension.
This is it. She presses enter and allowed zappas her
Gal Santa winces and we see Gymnasium zap the laser
Mrs Cool Santa and hits in South Santa. He explodes,
the prom gasps a panic Santa shouts to the heavens,
we have anchored the lever. Don't hack and hear room
(19:15):
Gal Santa's frantic intellect. Santa's frozen. You missed, you missed Gymnasium.
Dan Santa and Second Amendment Santa run to God Santa
as the laser continues to zap at random, taking out
Santa's We've got to get out of here due to
the danger, not before I get Cool Santa before he
can finish the sentence. Second Amendment Santa is hit by
(19:35):
a laser and explodes in slow motion as Ave Maria
plays Dan Santa is so upset. Second Amendment Santa is
an unrecognizable pile of Santa flesh far more gold, another
b character we have grown attached to deceased. Note it
(19:59):
is critical that the actor playing Second Amendment Santa is
actually killed due to their breaking of the improvisational rule earlier.
I'm kild someone please kill Robert. The laser continues to rage.
Just Dan and God turned to flee the room, but
they bump into Jill and Mike Santa, Dan Santa's parents.
(20:20):
He shocked. They haven't appeared since page one of Santa University, Dad,
what are you doing at the prom? At the end
of Acts two, Dan Santa, we just wanted to say
we're sorry for everything. We never should have rented out
your room out to the clowns we met on Tinder.
The clowns were rude and the sex was only okay.
(20:43):
The drugs were great. Oh yeah, the drugs were great.
But then one of the clowns overdosed and their insurance
was being weird about it. So we went to prison
for involuntary involuntary menslata of one of the Tinder clowns.
Prison was fun. Prison was fun, but then we got bored,
so we escyped. Anyway, how school, God, is this something
(21:06):
terrible that's about to happen? We're kidding, we don't actually care.
How school is. Is there free food if the cops
come for us. You have to lie or we'll have
one of the clowns kill you. You don't you guys
don't understand something terrible is going to happen. The lazer
strikes again, taking out several Santa's in the corner who
are French kissing each other. God Santa grabs second amendment
(21:29):
in Santa's musket and throws it at the laser. It misses.
God Santa, you flaccid white gos said. It won't be deterred.
He grabs the musket and throws it at the laser again.
This time it lodges into the laser and it explodes.
Note has to be real explosion with many casualties. All right,
we'll walk off the set, Dan Santa. Look at what
your flaccid friend just did in spite of his flacidity.
(21:51):
We are impressed. Who was trying to kill me, Dan Santa?
Was it you? Santa's furious, I'm furious. He makes a
beeline for Dan Santa and God Santa, but Gal Santa
appeared from nowhere before he's able to snap Dan Santa's
neck like he's been having wet dreams about Stop cool Santa.
Dan Santa and God, Santa were my stooges. I was
(22:12):
trying to kill you. Santa peaks around, Gal, I was
the brains of the She's cut off. Smart women never
get to finish their sentence when hot people around. It sucks, Gal, Santa,
this is this is going to cause friction in our relationship.
Cool Santa, you never listen to me. All you ever
do is playing Nintendo Switch. Kill your friends, and send
me links to Wikipedia pages about various wars. Cool Santa
(22:35):
breaks down in tears, a rare showing from a hyper
masculine Santa, and we applaud him for it. You're right, Gal,
I don't know how to express myself and my love,
and therefore send you links about the Gulf War. Please
forgive me, Cool Santa. I am stunned by your tears
and have resolved to give you another chance. And I'm
(22:56):
hoping that this is not emotional manipulation. She begins to
sing the theme from Santa You we all know and love,
It's just another year at Suddenly the music picks up
and a ray of light shines through the gymnasium. Jingle
bells ring and the ghosts of the prom casualty Santa's
rise from the grave and begin to dance to a
jaunty beat. Santasity Santa Santa Santa University. Every year santastic
(23:26):
come here, even though it means they may die. But
just because it might cost your life, does he mean
he shoot in Troy? You'd think there'd be a better
vetting system, but there's not. Betray your friends and bring
your own knife or my name isn't Gothy Santa hack failed,
(23:55):
but that doesn't mean we'll all get killed this year.
I just love going to Santa for you, living all
the Santa Santa Santa y Santa Santa Santa and seen. Wow, guys,
thank you so much and un incredible performance by all
(24:19):
r I P. Robert eavens uh and uh that's that's all.
Thank you very Christmas. Yeah, Christmas, Sorry, happy holiday, Bloody
war on Christmas, Jesus Christ play some notes for my
character
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