Change One Thing, Pt. 1

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? And can you learn to love something about yourself that you once wanted to change? We listen to people's answers and look for ways that we can care for ourselves and each other.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
When a lot of people think about changing themselves, they
probably think about New Year's resolutions. You know, people want
to lose weight, or exercise more, or eat better, or
maybe just read more books. The new year always brings
a date that signifies new opportunities, but quite often the
momentum behind our resolutions fades. I mean it's June now,

(00:20):
and we're halfway through the year, and I know minor
way long gone mine too. One of the reasons that
people might not stick to their resolutions is because they
tend to be too unrealistic for us to achieve. We
can fall victim to false hope syndrome, which is when
people set expectations that are impossible to reach in a
time frame that satisfies us. But it's easy to get

(00:42):
wrapped up in the idea of changing ourselves, right. I mean,
we usually have one thing in our mind that we're
working towards changing or want changed overnight, or at least
talk from time to time about changing. We are really
hard on ourselves and it's something that we should talk about.
So this week we are in a way, we're listening
to the answers to the question if you could change
one thing about yourself. What would it be? Mhm h.

(01:12):
Welcome to the Question Both. I'm Dylan Fagan and I'm
Kathleen Cillian, and we're so glad you're here with us today.
The Question Booth is a place where strangers come and
answer a big question each week, and this week I
noticed that it's so easy for us to point out
our flaws. I found myself making my own list of
things that I would like to change about myself when
I asked the participants this question. I mean, I could
feel the list going on in my head. Wake up sooner,

(01:35):
go to bed earlier, drink more water, eat healthier. It
could go on and on and on. But something interesting happened.
Several of our participants realized the one thing that they
wanted to change was actually a quality that they really loved,
and they realized it while they were in the Question Booth.
And that was really wonderful. So let's hear one of

(01:56):
those interviews. Here's mother and daughter pair Tacna and Lois Lois.
Do you want to go first? I know something I
would change about you. Would you change about me? I
would make you a little bit less like talking to
everybody and bringing me into every single conversation. I'm in

(02:19):
with you because I annoys because like you talk to everybody,
you know, everybody. You have to show me, and I
don't like when you do that. I like, I have
to show you. You like talk to like thousands of people,
and I'd want to be like left alone, and you
bring me into conversations. I don't want to be in. Oh.
So when I'm having conversations and I say and Lois,

(02:42):
and I bring you into the conversation, I don't like
when you do that. Okay, so I should just let
my talkative self be my talkative self and let you
be left alone on the side. Fair enough, I will
let you be you. What would you like to change
about you? I would make myself a little bit less
like everywhere and time I talked a lot of people,

(03:03):
I don't do it like the way you do. I
would make myself a little bit less flamboyant, flambonient, flamboious,
somewhere like that. And I would just try to be
a little bit more like like calm. And because people
like keep on telling me I talk a lot and
I'm a little bit everywhere, they don't understand because I
talk too fast. I wish I could like slow down
and like let other people speak more than I talk,

(03:24):
because that's one of the problems I have, being random
and like talking about multiple things at once and then
like freaking out about something when someone else is talking.
I have a habit of doing that at school, and
I don't like doing that. It's just a habit, And
so I would change that about myself to what what
would you so instead of being more flamboyant you would
rather be I'd rather be a little bit like more

(03:47):
thinking of other people before myself. I do that a lot,
like not thinking that they would be interested in what
I'm talking about, because I think that's one thing I
don't like doing when people say I don't understand to
me at school, I don't like when I do that.
I would probably make myself a little bit more inclusive
of others in my conversations. So it's interesting because her

(04:10):
report cards say that she can be a distraction to
herself and others because she's so flamboyant, and in my
reviews at work it says the exact same thing. I
have the exact same issue. I'd like to see her
focus in the chair on time, focused and ready to
go at seven thirty, and I'm like, never on time.

(04:30):
I'm never on time, But I'd love to be that person.
I could come in and sit down and focus and
just start talking and start talking. Oh my gosh, she
like subconsciously, I want to talk, I want to share
and like explore, but I can't do it. I walk
in and I'm like, good morning, everybody, how's everybody today?
What's going on? And wow, it was such a commute.

(04:51):
And let me tell you about the car. I saw,
what's one quality that you really love about yourself? Something
that you just really take pride in. You didn't mitch
your creativity. I can be creative. I think very creative. Well,
thank you. She doesn't even realized how much that like
is being creative figuring out a way to deal with
the problem she has in her life. And in another

(05:13):
way she's creative is that she's a great singer and
she sings all around to these old things I don't like,
and but she also does like some musicals I like,
like she's not afraid to belt out the lyrics to
wick it with me sometimes, which I like about her
a lot. She also does she does art sometimes. She's
really good at art. We went to an art class

(05:35):
one since she was amazing. Mine was weird, it's really weird.
Hers was great, and I'm really proud of her for
being creative, and like I've seen how she's become a
little bit hiding in a little bit. You could be
an artist if you tried hard enough and if you
wanted to, and you could like literally like do our
mural on our house, be like Pam from the Office

(05:55):
and it's do a mural. And you're kind of like her,
I think, because she does really talk about her when
she's really good about it, and like you need to
show it a little bit more and show other people
and kind of be bracky about it, and you'll see
how amazing you are at being creative and that can
really change the way you feel about yourself. So yeah, wow,
I love you very very much. I know. Oh my gosh,

(06:20):
you are too much. You are too much. That's great,
that's so great. Sometimes we just need someone to encourage
us in speaking of you know what, they mentioned Pam
from the Office, and I really want to play this
clip from the show. So Pam has an art exhibition
and it's not going well. No one's paid a lot
attention to her drawings, but then her boss Michael shows up.

(06:40):
How much What do you mean? I don't say a price? Um,
you want to buy it? Well, yeah, yeah, we have
to have it for the office. There's my window and
there's my car that you're h I'm really product. When

(07:07):
we're insecure about something we see as a shortcoming or
self conscious about a talent, the support of those around
us can go a long way. Speaking frankly, there have
been a lot of things I've wanted to change about
myself over the years, Some rightfully so, because maybe they
were bad habits. But some things, maybe things that I
once saw as annoying quirks. Well all it took was
a friend or family member telling me how much they

(07:27):
appreciated that thing about me. And when they told me that,
it made all the difference in the world. So I
guess what I'm saying is just be as kind as
you can. Speaking of kindness, let's hear from Susannah and Ian. I.
I think that since I've been very young, I've always
wanted to be able to make the fast, witty, quick,

(07:50):
perfect come back thought, insight joke to a comment. You know,
when somebody asks you a question or makes some remark
that you weren't expecting. I'm one of these people, and
I think a lot of people could probably identify with this,
that you know, fifteen twenty seconds later you think of
the perfect thing to say away right as you walk away.

(08:10):
I should have said that. It would have been so
clever and so funny and so witty. It's not that
I'm not capable of coming up with clever, funny, witty,
interesting things. It's that they don't come to me instantaneously.
I kind of to chew on the thought for a second.
And one of the things that I admire in my
fiance Susannah is that she has this ability. She just

(08:33):
can come up with really fast, witty, quick interesting comebacks
in an instant um and it always blows me away.
I think it's what's really interesting about this is that
part of his paste way of handling things makes them
incredibly patient, um and incredibly comforting to be around as

(08:53):
you're working through something complex. So I mean, it's a
very It's a similar scenario where the thing that you
want is prohibited by this other wonderful quality that you have.
There's no such thing as like a flaw or vice
that doesn't also get mirrored by a skill UM or

(09:13):
a compliment. I'm not sure mine is super fascinating, but
I think I think I really always wish for the
skill to be able to persuade or to bring people
in with narrative that helps them relate to something. But
the people in my life who have been able to
tell stories that allows people to access experiences that they

(09:36):
wouldn't otherwise and therefore engage empathetically, just they just seemed
tremendously powerful. And people who tell stories from other people's
perspectives oftentimes sort of couch themselves and live in the
arena of empathy, which I just think is like the
greatest treasure UM. And like, if I would want a superpower,

(09:57):
I've always answered, like, my superpower would be able to
give people empathy for the other person that they're listening to, UM,
because you don't have to manipulate them, you don't have
to course them, You just allow them to use your
own faculties of empathy. Yeah, that's really interesting. A lot
of people have discussed and other questions and answers to
the question Booth is bringing up empathy. It's good to

(10:18):
hear that people hold it so closely to them, of
such a high importance. Well, there's that great Lincoln quote.
He said, I do not like that man. I will
have to get to know him better. That was Susannah
and Ian and the question booth. We'll be right back
after a quick break, and we're back, and here's Madeline

(10:55):
and Katie in the booth. If there was one thing
you could change about yourself, what would it be? I
think for sure I would change how I let fear
stand in the way of like taking risks, or being
courageous or just speaking into relationships or issues and stuff
like that. So I feel like fear holds me back

(11:16):
a lot. So is there something recently that's held you
back according to fear? Yeah, I think just the fear
of not living up to people's expectations has been something
that I've really been thinking about lately. So I think
that I would change my susceptibility to believing things that

(11:37):
are not true, especially when they just play in my head.
And how quickly I adopt those things is truth when
they're not um along the same lines as like anxiety
and fear um and just how quickly I quit striving
and like achieving because I'm stifled by those things that
I start to believe. Um, can you give me example

(11:58):
of that things that you start to believe that a
true Yeah, I think I can trend into a perfectionistic
mindset and I become so overwhelmed by like social media
and things that we see that are so perfect and
tailored and beautiful, and I look at myself and I'll
be like, oh, well, I'm not that way, or my

(12:19):
hair doesn't look like that today, um, and or just
even my belief. And I'm recently going through school and
I'll graduate with a doctoral degree, and so I'll start
a job and do all that, and I really tend
to believe that I am not good enough and not
like achieving as well as I should, and I'm not

(12:40):
to a certain level. And if I don't reach that level,
then I just shouldn't even show the world. If that
makes sense. Yeah, definitely, Like you've been in school your
whole life and then you're supposed to have this amazing
career right away, especially when everyone else and like all
these people around us, they're all in that same stage.

(13:02):
What are some steps that you're trying to do to
overcome this anxiety and what are some steps that you
try to take. I think the biggest thing is kind
of identifying like, Okay, what do I really value in life?
What UM matters to me, Like when I get to
the end of this journey, what is most important? And

(13:22):
then what are the things that keep holding me back
from that? UM? And then I think for me, since
I do struggle with fear, I think coming to terms
with fear is always going to be a part of
my journey, UM, because the things that I value, like
making sure that I live a life that's purposeful and meaningful, UM,

(13:42):
being someone who's brave, that all incorporates fear. UM. It
has to be a part of that journey. So then
kind of looking at like okay, UM, what are the
things that I do when I am fearful? And are
those things productive and helping me move towards my values
the things that matter to me UM. And so yeah,
I've really been trying to journal, UM, just talk with

(14:04):
people that I trust about that UM, even going to
counseling some Yeah, I think that's currently where I'm at it.
Just like, Okay, what's holding me back from being this
person that I want to be and how can I
change habits and patterns that take me away from that
um and choose productive things that moved me further towards that.
So similar to what Katie said, a lot of it's

(14:26):
a mental game and it's like running a marathon and
they say it's all in your head. Um, well, at
some point, you know you're only trained and your body
is only capable of so much. But there's a lot
of mental aspects that you can retrain in your head
and just you know, looking at a situation and UM,
I've been trying to make sure I look at things
more positively, like what do I have, what can I do?

(14:46):
What have I done? What is you know, where's the potential?
And you know, I see a lot of potential and
things and that can become a stumbling block for myself
because I see what I can achieve and when I don't,
I get so frustrated. But instead looking and that and
be like, no, here's the potential and here's what I
have done, and here's I'm going to do. And um,
just trying to really, um, be careful when I'm putting

(15:10):
in my body, not like food, but you know, just
what I'm looking at, what I'm seeing and my cousin
is she's in with social media for a network and Knoxville,
and she was telling me that, like, if you follow
someone's Instagram and you feel yourself getting frustrated or negative,
like you feel these thoughts, that you should just quit
following them because there is like an emotional psychological response

(15:32):
that your body has to these things. And so I've
just been trying to be careful of what I am
making myself susceptible to um. But at the same time,
you know, you can kind of see a lot of
things you may not want to see no matter what
to do, and just being careful to find the truth
in every situation. That interview makes me wonder about how

(15:54):
much of what we want to change about ourselves is
actually wrapped up in what we think other people expect
of us, And how much do people really expect of us.
I doubt it's ever as much as we think they do.
Yet I've been there thinking I've let people down time
and time again. Have you, Kathleen, It's pretty constant for me, Dylan,
So yeah, there are many studies that focused on expectations.

(16:17):
One of the earliest was conducted by Robert Rosenthal. He
told a few teachers that some of the students in
their elementary school classes had been identified as intellectual bloomers.
They were given the names of the kids they expected
to do well and told them to watch after them.
But the info was bogus. The students were no different

(16:38):
academically from the rest. But guess what, because their teachers
had different expectations for them, they got more attention and
ended up doing better that year. What I take from
that is that if you think someone looks up to
you or thinks that you expect a lot of them,
be encouraging. I mean, we can all excel if we're
given the attention. I agree, And let's hear from another

(17:01):
pair who are encouraging each other. Here are sisters Claire
and Catherine. I know, for me, I'd probably be a
little bit more extroverted, and I'm very quiet. I like
talking to people, I just don't do it a lot
because I get nervous about talking and because I'm not
very eloquent. So I feel like I need to be

(17:23):
a bit more extroverted. Are there situations you try to
put yourself in to be a little bit more extroverted, Well,
like this one. This is one. So this is a challenge. Yeah,
but um, not too much. I know I need to
like class presentations, I get all like my body temperature

(17:45):
starts rising, and I just sometimes I'll pass people on
the street and I'll be like, I really want to
stop and have a conversation with you, but I just
get too much in my head and just like, yeah,
I just keep walking. Have you always been really quiet?
I have. I'm more talkative than I was, but I'm

(18:06):
still really quiet in comparison to what I want to be.
I have a tendency to overthink everything. I will do
something and then go back and look at it and go, no,
that's not really right. Just I end up doing the

(18:27):
same thing like over and over because I just want
to get it perfect. And I know that's never going
to happen, but I just I want to get as
close as I can. And just Yeah, she's writing a
book and so she's going through like and editing it
and it's like, I'm sure it's fine for like getting

(18:49):
friends to read it. It's like she keeps going back
and like, but I need to I need I need
to look at this and I need to put this.
But has I always been like a each part of
who you are or has that developed now that you're older.
I feel like it's developed more now that I'm older.
I'm in a design major, and so I have to

(19:12):
look at all these different aspects of a project and
make sure that they all work together and it's all
going to make sense and I get to be creative,
but I still have to work within a world of
physics and like understand that. Are there things that you
try to do to not be so much in your

(19:32):
head or I just like, at some point I have
to just back away. And I know that. So if
I start noticing that I'm going back and doing things
over and over, I just have to set it down
and walk away, Like go get something to drink, just
go get food, sleep something. We have more questions, but

(20:02):
after another short break, stay tuned, m H and we're
back and we have one more interview for you this week.

(20:23):
Here's Malcolm. Today's question is if you could change one
thing about yourself, what would it be. I'd love to
be able to harmonize. Oh okay, that's a good one.
Can you explain more on that. I think it's something
that one of the more beautiful things that humans can

(20:43):
do is harmonized musically together when they sing um and
it's I think it is something you can work at
and get better at. But maybe that's what I should
have said. I need discipline, so I don't have as
much discipline as I would like, so it's just easier
to add ask for natural ability. So it's music a

(21:03):
big part of your life. Yeah, I would say, so, Um,
are there any steps you've tried to take towards getting
better at that or is it something you hope to
do in the future. Yeah, I think I'm just trying
to come up with an excuse for why I haven't
actually work that hard at this. So I've I've you know,
I've tried tried it with with loved ones, people who
can't give up on me because I'm really bad at it.

(21:25):
So yeah, so you said that you would like to
have more discipline. Are you a very disciplined person? Are
you just saying like I'd like to get better at
that because sometimes like we're our worst critic, you know, Oh, definitely,
I'm definitely my worst critics. That is something I'm good
at self critiquing. Um. So, my little brother is fantastic
at piano and one of the reasons is he just

(21:46):
sat down and did it the whole ten thousand hours.
Think it's true every time he would come in, he
would run to the piano and just play, and he's
now an incredible jazz pianist, classical pianist um Whereas whereas
I would have to be dragged taking and screaming to
the piano for years, And it was the same with
most instruments. So I have this weird love of instruments,

(22:07):
but a distinct lack of ability to master them. Is
there anything else like you're really passionate about? You know
that you could spend those thousands of hours on. Is
there something you like to do? I feel like I
would have done it already or at least gotten started
on the hours. I actually just signed up for a
ceramics studio. But that's cool because it seems like you

(22:27):
have a passion for new skills, like for picking up
news totally. I mean, I'm addicted to the learning curve.
When you first start doing something and you get that
incredible satisfaction with just getting slightly better at it. It's
then once you've you know, with a new instrument, once
you've learned a scale or two and you can kind
of piece together a song or some chords. Then the

(22:48):
curve slows down and starts to get into the mastery curve,
which takes actual hours and again discipline. That's where I
start to fall off and find the next instrument. Yeah,
so this might lead into my next question. But what's
when characteristic about yourself you really love and really take
pride in. I think that's actually it. I love that
I'm interested in a lot of different things. So the

(23:10):
same thing that stops me from getting very good at
one thing is also something that I really enjoy. Um.
Is there a way that you look up new things
or like what inspires you to reach out? This is
a great question if you. And that's actually what I've
used photography for because it's a nice way of saying, Hey,
can I just come with you and I'll send you
some pictures afterwards. It's great to be a fly on

(23:30):
the wall. People love sharing their passions with others. I
think people get intimidated when someone else is extremely good
at something and they don't want to ask them, or
they don't want to kind of um, you know, impinge
on their on their world. But they love sharing and
they love people generally love introducing others to what they
find really you know, engaging. So if there's any type

(23:51):
of art or music or you know hiking, you know,
find that friend and asking to bring you along, the
probably would love to. Yeah. So, unlike some weeks, there
was no crystal clear pattern in these interviews, but there
were definitely some similarities between them. We see images each
day that makes us feel like we need to change
something about ourselves, and we think other people expect so

(24:14):
much of us, and we are quick to compliment others
before we compliment ourselves. And we should be good and
kind to others. But please don't forget to be kind
to yourself. I should stop complimenting you so much, Dylan
and focus on myself I wholeheartedly degree mm hmmm hm. Hey,

(24:44):
tell us what you think. Share your stories with us.
We love getting your emails. You can send them to
the Question Booth at house to Forks dot com. We're
Question Underscore Booth on Twitter and the Question Booth on
Instagram and visit us in the booth. We're here in
Atlanta at Pont City Market twelve to five pm Friday
through Sunday. Kathleen and I wrote the script I did
the music and the two of us produced the show.

(25:05):
And the special part is you are listeners and participants.
And next week we'll have an interview with Judge Jane
Morrison and here from a few other house stuff workers
about changing one thing. But until then, see you in
the question booth.