Feeling Different, Pt. 1

We had so many great interviews from the booth about feeling different this week that we're taking a deeper dive into the question. Join us as we listen to the ways that people have dealt with feeling like an outsider. 

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
When we started the Question Booth, our goal was to
highlight the ways that we're more alike than different. Each
week we try to find common ground and shared experiences
in the interviews we do in the Booth, and that
will always be the goal of the podcast, to bring strangers, thoughts, fears, hopes,
and memories together and show how alike we really are.
But that doesn't mean that our differences should be ignored.

(00:26):
We should strive to understand each other and celebrate what
makes us unique, because if we ignore the ways that
we are different and have different needs and beliefs, it
can lead to people feeling ostracized and disconnected. And there's
a good chance on some level that you felt different
at some point. I know for me it happened many
times in school, for example. I think middle school in

(00:48):
particular is a good example of a period when many
of us feel different. You're dealing with new emotions and
life experiences, and it can leave you feeling vulnerable and insecure,
and insecurity can lead to bullying, and there's so many
other ways that people can feel like an outsider. And
that's what we're exploring today. We're listening to the answers
to the question, When was the last time you felt different?

(01:11):
Mhm m hmmm. Welcome to the Question Booth. My name
is Dylan Fagan and I'm Kathleen Quillian. And for the
next few weeks we're switching things up. We really want
to dive further into the interviews and hear more from
our participants and experts. This will be part one of
our discussion on feeling different. Next week we'll have an

(01:34):
interview with a guest to give us more context, but
for now, we really want this week to be all
about the participants and exploring the pattern that emerged from
the booth, and the pattern was that people who felt
different were able to embrace their differences, but it takes time,
and they talked about all the ways that they felt
unlike those around them. Maybe it was because of race,

(01:56):
or sexuality, or the socio economic status. So let's jump
right in. Let's hear from three students from the University
of Cincinnati. Here's Anna, Hannah and Jonathan. I originally am
from Portsmouth, Ohio, which is Appalachia, so like the very
southern tip of Ohio. Um like, I knew people who

(02:16):
had dirt floors growing up and moving to Cincinnati and
I were part She and I are part of this
Business Honors program, and so kind of going into the
Business Honors program, a lot of people came from very
well off backgrounds and knew a lot of people going
into college and knew a lot of people in our program.

(02:37):
And I came in not knowing anyone um and being
from that background, being from Appalachia, have a little bit
of a rough around the edges and personality, but came
in and was very loud and had a little bit
of an accent, and people kind of I don't know,
asking me where I was from, and I would say
things that were off the wall, like I don't know

(02:57):
about how we were mudding, or we were on wheelers,
are we are on dirt bikes or stuff like that,
and people will be like, where is this girl from
and what is her deal? No, man, I mean you
obviously were in a group of people that were much
different from yourself. I mean, if college isn't hard enough
going to a new place, I mean, let alone feeling
extremely different from those around you, Like you can definitely

(03:18):
tell you can feel it, but it sounds like those
qualities that make you different really make you shine. Well,
that's One of the best parts about going to a
place like University of Cincinnati is it's like everybody is
so different. You get people like Hannah Um. Everyone at
least the three of us all come from different places.
So I'm actually from Cincinnati, uh. And it's actually interesting.
So I'm studying engineering and at least in the Midwest,

(03:42):
it's a very homophobic environment, and especially being in engineering
at you see, I kind of feel like the only
one there, which is interesting because I have friends in
engineering who live in the West Coast and they talk
about what that environment last around the East Coast or
in a city like Atlanta. UM, And I feel like
I'm in this bubble in the mid West of just
homophobia in a in a field like engineering. So I

(04:03):
actually worked at an engineering firm for my first two
co ops. Never really talked about it, and there are
actually a lot of very homophobic comments made towards me,
not they didn't know I I'm one of the best
parts are not the best parts, but one of the
convenient parts about the what I grew up in is
I have a very good facade that I had to
put on from my family for many years, UM that

(04:25):
I used at this coop, and I would just hear
some of the vulgar things that people would say, and
I just don't understand how that's allowed. Um, but definitely
makes you feel like an outsider. I don't necessarily feel
like I will always be an outsider, but in this
it's like I do feel in am in a bubble
of almost like a time capsule of the past and
how things used to be. Yeah, definitely, And I wouldn't

(04:46):
even think of it. And you're still in a city. Yeah,
it's very interesting being in a big city like Cincinnati
and still feeling that pressure. Um, do you feel like
you were desensitized by those comments, like those terrible comments
that you heard, Like how did you handle that? Like
it's something that I'm used to hearing, and I'm used
to seeing all around me, even in culture, like in
popular culture. Sometimes even you're used to seeing it. At school,

(05:08):
it was very common for people to say, Oh, that's
so gay. You just don't really think twice about it.
I mean, it's I'll notice it now. I'm more aware
of it now, but I still don't really think to
say anything about it or really even feel anything about it,
which maybe is a bad thing. But it's sort of
a defense mechanism I had to put up. Doesn't mean
that it's easy or right or yeah exactly. Um, did
you always feel a little bit different? For a long time,

(05:32):
I felt, and I felt like when I started to
have the thoughts about my sexuality, like that that was
something that I just needed to suppress because it was
at odds with my family. And then I started to
get into later middle school and I sort of had
this crisis of Okay, this is not this part of
my identity is not something that I can just choose
to live with or without. So how is that going

(05:52):
to match up? And there was a long crisis of
faith and identity and family that was involved in that.
I didn't feel like I belonged in the gay community either.
I met I would meet people through work who were
had very accepting parents. My first boyfriend actually had incredibly
accepting parents and they were super helpful to me, Like
when I was coming out to my parents, they said

(06:13):
I could live with them if things didn't go well.
So but I still didn't feel like I felt weird
in those situations because I didn't feel like I should
be accepted. I felt like, oh, I don't like do
they really think this or how is this okay? Like
it shouldn't be this easy. People shouldn't just accept me
for this because it's something that this will struggle. So
that was it was weird. I didn't feel like I
belonged to either campfully. It's interesting because I had one

(06:34):
friend recently who actually two years older than me, just
came out last summer, so he's been struggling with this
for a long time, and he said the same thing, like,
you know, I don't feel like I belong in the
gay community. Like I just said, listen, all you need
to do to belong to the gay community is to
be kay, Like that's the only pre requisite there is
um And but I understood where he was coming from.

(06:57):
I understood the struggle he was referring to, and it's
it's hard and it takes a lot of time. I
think a recent time when I felt a little bit
different was I decided that I wanted to try to

(07:18):
work more in technology, and I was like, I'll just
take this online course over the summer. And in the
first week of the course we were introducing ourselves on
the discussion board. We got points for it, and we
had to read all the other ones and then leave
a comment. And I noticed that I was one of
only two women in the entire class, and I think
it was about thirty people, and the professor was a man,

(07:39):
and I was really nervous, and a lot of the
men seemed to have similar interest, which is great, you know.
It was exciting to see that people were excited about
being in this community that was interesting to them. But
it gave me a lot of anxiety because I was like,
they all probably know what they're doing, they all have
been doing this forever. I don't really have anyone who

(08:01):
identify with I feel like an outsider here. But then
I went through the course over the summer and was
really proud of myself for what I accomplished. I learned Java,
which was my first programming language, and then I decided
from that that I wanted to actually add a computer
science minor to my degree. So this fall, I'm actually
taking my first computer science course. And I was driving

(08:23):
down the street the other day and I saw a
group of maybe like twelve or thirteen year old girls
at the bus stop, like with their Chaprin's wearing like
lab coats. By U see they are doing a summer camp.
It just made me smile, Like seeing young women getting
involved with that field was really great. They were so
vulnerable and I know it's hard to talk about our differences.

(08:45):
There are life experiences in that interview that I've never had,
and hearing their stories hopefully creates a bridge of empathy
which ultimately can bring us all together. Yeah, and actually
I want to jump off and a story for a second.
What was your first toy? Probably Legos, That's the first
I remember, at least. It definitely made the biggest impact

(09:07):
for sure. How about you? My first toy was a
beautiful doll house. I loved it so much, but I
always had to steal my brother's legos if I wanted
to play with them. And it can seem like our
paths are mapped out when you look at the gender
toys kids usually receive. A boy might get my first
tool kit, while a girl might get a Barbie. There's

(09:28):
more than likely a connection between this and the under
representation in STEM fields like Anna experienced. Yeah, it's got
to be hard too when you're a little boy and
all you want to do is play with a doll,
but your parents worry that you'll be made fun of
social constructs can be strange, but her story about seeing
little girls in the lab coats is touching, isn't it. Yeah?

(09:49):
And I know if we listen to each other's stories,
things can really change. How about we hear another interview
like Jonathan, it's about struggling to find something that feels
like home. Here's Hannah and Joseph. I think for me
it was moving to Atlanta because I've been here for
about nine months now, because I come from a smaller
town um in Tennessee. But um, I would say the

(10:11):
big part was culture because where I come from, I
was with a lot of just white American middle class individuals,
and they come here and I'm with more people with
my kind as far as like my Koreans because I'm Korean,
and um, um, you know, I didn't. I didn't go
up with people that spoke the same language as me
because I Speakorean to my parents. And then it's just

(10:31):
a lot of like, you know, you have white people
saying like, oh, you speak Korean, cool man, say something
in Korean and then I'm like, no, that's like telling
a dog to sit down. So yeah, but um, and
then that was a lot of like not embracing your
own your own ethnicity and all that stuff. And then
it gets to a point to where it's just like,
you know, everyone makes fun of you because you are

(10:51):
you're different. Now it's like I'm in the position of
like I laugh at them because they're all the same. Yeah, something,
it's interesting. It's like something you embrace. I think it's
hard when like we're young and we just you want
to fit in and you don't want to stand out.
And it's really interesting that the older we get, the
more we appreciate what makes us stand out in our
culture and our upbringing, in our foundation. It's so cool

(11:12):
that's that's so important to who we are. Um kind
of similar to him too, because I grew up in
Florida in a really tiny town or city called Brandon,
and kind of similar to Joseph, I grew up with
like no Asian people, So coming to Georgia was a
very like big culture shock because there are so many Asians.

(11:32):
It's just like, even though I was Asian, I had
Korean speaking grandparents, Crean speaking parents, cousins. Just like being
in a place where there was I was a majority,
it was I feel like at the time I should
have been like, this is awesome, like my people's are here,
but I just I felt like an alien almost because
you weren't raised in the kind of community. Because my

(11:55):
parents really wanted me to grow up American. Yeah, and
coming here like totally changed. Yeah. Living here, do you
feel like you've kind of like meshed in the two
different worlds? Do you feel a little bit more comfortable? Oh? Yeah,
I definitely have embraced like my Korean heritage a lot more,
like my friends have made me appreciate it more. I

(12:16):
love my food even more because there's so many things
that I learned, even though I've already eaten it before.
Just different even with the community that's eaten it before
you all their whole life, and like a different sense
that makes sense. I'm like Dang I wish and Stid
bringing lunchables of school. I brought my seweed and right
like I love se Right. That was Hannah and Joseph.

(12:45):
We'll be back with more question booth after the break.

(13:08):
M hm, and we're back, and let's hear another interview
from the booth. Here's Ronan. I would say the biggest
time I felt different in my life is growing up
so I grew up in a place called josh A Tree, California.
So it's in the middle of the Mojabi Desert, and
I was one of the only Indian kids in a

(13:29):
town full of like rural California like white people and
so like I didn't even speak English when I came here,
so it was like really hard to be like, oh,
I'm definitely different. And I think the big thing that
confused me was like people were like, are you Indian,
and like what tribe are you from? And I'm like,

(13:50):
didn't understand, and I was like wolf truck. So I
just like made up things until I understood that like
Native Americans and Indian people, fool are different things. And
then like my parents told me that and that you're
not from any trade. As you got older, did that
start to fade? But you felt I slowly just like
adjusted to American culture, and like I started listening to

(14:13):
like rock music. My hobby is an interest for like
the same as like my friends, So like the difference
like didn't change unless somebody was kind of about it,
like where's your camera row on? And I'm like that's
the wrong stereotype, Like come on, I get it right,
So except for a few like obscure people Like I
just adjusted fine, Like it was nice and like hang
out with friends, you kind of just find your niche.

(14:35):
I think it took a while. In San Francisco, I
spent like two years searching for like a group of
friends that like vibed with me and like where I
didn't feel different. Uh, and I actually randomly met them,
like I was one night I was like debating about
where to move, and we're like I should like leave.
I can't find anybody I know here. Maybe it's just

(14:57):
the city. Got a text from a friend saying, like, Hey,
come to this party. I'm literally the only person I
know here because like I had friends invite other friends
and they had only there the only ones here. And
I met these like wonderful people who at this party
who I became like super good friends with and like
the past five years we've had like amazing adventures and

(15:17):
I found my place within like that group. So I
think the only thing I can say for this, You've
got to keep searching so you'll find it, like and
you might maybe need to move or something, but like
there's always something out there. There's always a group that
like will be your niche. I think people stop feeling
different when they find their home, and a home can
be a place where you just feel accepted and allowed

(15:38):
to celebrate your identity. I'm glad that Ronan found that.
I find it so interesting that people who come into
the booth only talk on average around fifteen minutes. They
don't know what the question will be beforehand. I've been
in the booth for several months interviewing our participants, yet
it still surprises me how quickly people are willing to
open up to a complete stranger. So before the break,

(16:02):
let's hear from a couple who had very different upbringings
but are learning how to communicate better with each other
every day. Here's Christine and Sam. Sam did not grow
up in the States, so sometimes I'm like explaining things
about like race and like diversity to him, and I
just sometimes I'm just like, Oh, I really wish you'd
be just like know right off the bat when I'm
talking about other times, I'm like, I'm glad you get

(16:24):
to enter this field not knowing the struggles as much
and just knowing that acknowledging that it's an issue and
it's not saying that like there is no problem. It's
just like, I see that you're struggling with this, and
I'm glad you can talk to me about it. Did
you ever feel different about not living in the States
or growing up in the States and coming here. I
came to the States for college, and then that's when

(16:45):
like everything changed, your away from your parents, and then
you're starting to grow I guess individually, Yeah, I've had
some incidents that I felt very different from the friends
or classmates where people are on me. But then I,
unlike Christine, I never had like a direct incident of
like someone talking about this stuff there. I don't want

(17:06):
to say it's underlying, but yeah, just things that you
kind of pick up on. But even though it might
not seem directly towards you, you can tell it's like
an underlying thing, you know. So it was very interesting
when she actually talked about it. At first I didn't understand,
but now I like thought about it. It It was I
could sort of feel her point of view. But at

(17:26):
the same time, I was Korean and I was living
in Korea, so I'm the majority so and I'm sure
there are some issues underlying in Korea as well, But
then I just don't know about it, or maybe I'm not.
I'm not aware of it, right, Yeah, you're just becoming
aware of it now because yeah, you haven't been raised
around it. You're just starting to figure things out as

(17:47):
you go. I mean, we talked about a lot of
dumb stuff when I'm driving home, But sometimes I'm glad
we can have serious conversations and you're not being like,
it's not even an issue, and I'm like, yes it is,
and I'm glad that I don't have to do with that.
After the break, we'll hear from Diana about feeling different.
We'll be right back. M hmmm, and we're back. We

(18:29):
have one more interview, Yes, and it's with Diana. She's
using what makes her different to help other people. So
many times I felt different and as an outsider, and um,
I think sometimes the perception is not reality and you
feel like an outsider but you're really not, and it's
kind of a lack of understanding of your role in

(18:51):
the dynamics of a group. For example, I went through
cancer in two thousand and nine and I chose to
be bald and not wear a wig and on most
days not wear a scarf, and it was my like
stance in my visual voice of being different as a
way to bring awareness. So I think sometimes being different

(19:13):
is something we should embrace as a way to send
a message, even a silent message, because silence speaks volumes um.
And so in that case, I loved being different and
loved the reactions I got from people. And sometimes I
would get you know, ugly faces from people like why
she bawled? And I had so many people just wish

(19:35):
me good luck or give me a thumbs up, or
even asked like can I pray with you? No idea
what religion they are, They have no idea what religion
I am, and they're just you know, can we pray?
And so I think using your differences to make connections
with other people is really important. And sometimes we use

(19:55):
our differences to build walls with others. We definitely do
to seek out how we are different first rather than
how we might be similar. And so I think that
when we view ourselves as different, sometimes we use it
as a protection. Like I'm going to build these walls
around me. I'm going to live in my fort and

(20:15):
nobody can come in. I'm not gonna let anybody in.
I'm not gonna let anybody out, and we miss so
much on connecting with others and learning from others. An't
really big on learning from other people's experiences and sharing
my experience with others so that we don't have to
fight the same fight. And you know, people can learn

(20:37):
what I've been through and it saves them from going
through the same heartbreaks, then my day is done. Any
other instances of feeling different or possibly like an outsider,

(20:59):
you know, I think for me it started very early
because I am the only daughter. I've got two brothers,
so that alone it kind of made me different, not
always being into the same thing my brothers were into.
And it's always just kind of being in my makeup
to be who I am and not necessarily always categorize
that as quote unquote different. But it's just me. That's

(21:21):
who you are. Yeah, And I think there's even though
we are all different in the world, again, we all
find similarities with each other, and we all commonalities with
one another and we use those to create bonds. Um,
So as different as I am, somebody else's is different.

(21:50):
I loved how she touched on the foundation of what
the question Booth is all about. There's power and connecting
with others that are different than ourselves and if we
are open to to it. We uncovered that we actually
have more in common than we could have ever imagined.
And being different can be confusing, frustrating, lonely, and scary,
but it's also beautiful, honest, and inspiring. Being different should

(22:13):
be celebrated, and every week we are so thankful for
all the different participants that stumble upon our Question Booth,
people from different walks of life. It's a way that
everyone can come together. Yes, you are the ones that
make our show so unique. M hm hm hm, And

(22:50):
of course we want to know what you think. When
have you felt different? You can write to us at
the Question Booth at house to works dot com or
tweet us at question Underscore Booth with your answer. We'd
like to give us special thanks this week to our
executive producer, Julie Douglas, and we'd also like to thank
Pont City Market for hosting the Question Both. The Question
Booth is written, edited and scored by me, Dylan Fagan

(23:10):
and my co host Kathleen Quillian. Thank you Kathleen, Thanks Dylan,
and thanks to everyone who came into the booth and
spoke to me about this question, and if you're in Atlanta,
you can visit the Question Booth. We're on the second
floor of Pont City Market twelve to five pm Friday
through Sunday. Also, if you like what you hear, we
love If you gave us a quick review on iTunes,

(23:32):
helps other people find the show. And next week we'll
be talking more about feeling different. We'll have an interview
with artists and disability activist Very Lee. But until then,
see you in the Question Booth.