November 15, 2025 • 37 mins
Today, Jay and Radhi explore the delicate balance between sharing and oversharing, both online and in everyday life. They talk about what it really means to be authentic, how to protect your energy when opening up, and why not every moment needs to be shared to be meaningful. Together, they reflect on the intention behind vulnerability and the peace that comes from keeping certain parts of life sacred. How much do we share to feel seen? And when does sharing start to take more than it gives? This conversation invites us to slow down, listen to ourselves, and choose connection over performance.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Protect Your Energy When Sharing
How to Be Vulnerable with Intention
How to Keep Private Goals Sacred
How to Find the Right People to Confide In
How to Balance Openness with Privacy
True connection begins when we honor what feels right to keep close and what feels right to release. Whether through words, art, or quiet reflection, choose to share from a place of peace, not pressure.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:01 Are You Sharing Too Much?
04:07 The Real Reason Behind Your Vulnerability
09:21 Create in Private Before You Share Publicly
13:45 Oversharing Looks Different on Every Platform
16:01 Be Intentional About What You Share and With Whom
18:24 Does Holding Back Make You Feel Alone?
23:52 Why We Make Big Judgments from Small Details
26:51 When Sharing Becomes Healing, Not Draining
32:06 Choosing Who Deserves to Hear Your Story
Episode Resources:
Radhi Devlukia | Website
Radhi Devlukia | YouTube
Radhi Devlukia | Instagram
Radhi Devlukia | Facebook
Radhi Devlukia | TikTok
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Sometimes you have to sit back and you have to
think before you speak.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
The yappers regret.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
It's a real thing.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Sometimes I just I'll spill my deepest, darkest secrets just
because I want to keep the conversation going.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Damn, I did not need to share that much information sometimes.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
I was always told in the monastery that when you
share something before it's complete, that idea lose its fifty
percent of its value.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
You know, when something's like at the top of your heart,
it's like stuck at the top of your throat, and
all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk
about it.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Even if someone was vlogging for twenty four hours a day,
even if someone was telling you every moment that they
were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't
know their mind.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I really don't share anything to try and get someone
to believe I'm anything.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
I've just come to the conclusion that no one will
ever Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode of
On Pap. I wish we had a name for it,
we do. Welcome back to this week's episode of Conversations
with Radi on On Purpose we have been having these
wonderful discussions. That's not the efficient name, but we have
(01:13):
been having these wonderful conversations based on things our friends
have told us, things we've been reading, listening to, and
we realized that these conversations are actually really useful to
maybe share with people. Me and Jay have them often
when we're on car journeys together traveling, and one has
helped create more depth in our conversation, but also some
of the stuff we come out with, it's pretty good
(01:34):
in them. So I thought, let's share it. Well, I
didn't think Jay thought let's share it with the world.
On a fourth episode a week of On Purpose, over to.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
You, Jay, why we suddenly switched to news.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
A news Anka, It's hard not to when you've got
mic in front of you.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Is it? Is that what you feel like today?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
On today's weather? It's I can you just start?
Speaker 2 (01:56):
All right?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
So as you're talking about what we want to share,
today's topic is all about oversharing. Are we oversharing online?
Are we over sharing with our friends? What is too much?
What is just enough? What do we do with it?
Because it feels like we don't know who to share
our life with? How much of our life to share,
where to share it, and let's dive in.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
It's so true. I've really struggled, well, you said online,
I really struggle with the online sharing situation because on
one hand, people want to experience your personality, and especially
as someone who is sharing a lot of content online,
you also want people to feel like they know your life,
because otherwise you're just sharing little miniscule parts of it,
the best parts, which people don't want to see anymore.
(02:40):
They also want to see the pain. But then when
I sometimes share that I'm crying and get messages that
why you are sharing that you're sad? Like I don't
want to be sad with you, and so it's such
an interesting message. Oh yeah, I do, I get like, oh,
your life must be so hard. You know, if you
do share that you're upset, there's always somebody or people
who who think you've got no reason to be said,
so why you cry? And so I think there's a
(03:01):
really difficult balance between. I always used to say I
don't want to share the negative parts of life because
there's enough negativity in the world, and I'd rather share
even if I am feeling a certain way. I'd rather
share even if I have an ounce of happiness, let
me share that online rather than sharing sadness with people,
because energy is so contagious that if someone comes online,
(03:21):
they're already having a bad day. The last thing I
want is to make their day worse. But I think
it was so interesting because I was speaking to my
friend about this. She's going through probably one of the
most difficult times in her life right now, going through
a situation that she never expected herself to be in,
and she was really struggling with it. You know, when
something's like at the top of your heart, it's like
stuck at the top of your throat, and all you're
(03:42):
waiting to do is burst out and talk about it
because it's so prominent inside of you. And so what
she started doing was she had told me, and then
she started spending time with people, and we had said,
maybe you shouldn't speak about this to other people, but
when she ended up being around people too much, she
would end up blesting out or share it. And I
had a conversation with her about how it's so important
(04:04):
to protect things that one if you're unsure about, or
two that are really difficult, because a lot of the
time people don't necessarily have the best desires for you.
There are very few people in this world who actually
have deep desire for you to be happy. And so
when you end up sharing certain things or over sharing things,
(04:24):
I think it leaks this energy of One, the situation
gets made bigger because you're constantly speaking about it, and
therefore even if it was painful, it becomes even more painful.
Or two, there's this idea in like iv Aiden. I
think you've spoken about this as well, where when when
you share too much, you're just leaking energy out of
that one thing, And you talk about this that I'd
(04:46):
love for you to share this about when things haven't
happened yet, and then sharing them before things have happened,
and the leaking of energy that happens in that. But
I was speaking to her about it, and I do
believe that sometimes oversharing or not sharing to the right
people can be really detrimental to whatever it is that
you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Yeah, I think it all comes down. I think the
world will talk about some things we call them over
sharing because we want to censor it. Sometimes people think
things are oversharing because they're overly emotional. I think we
have to look back at how this all started. The
online world was a place people put up pictures, they
put up food, they put up dances. All of a sudden,
(05:25):
people started sharing highlight reels, and that's what we did.
We shared our best moments. People then called that out
and said we want to see the truth, and people
started sharing vulnerable things. Vulnerability, which is actually quite an
intimate personal thing, became a very public thing, right. And
then what's happened is vulnerability, in my opinion, has become performative. Sometimes,
(05:49):
it's not always, not always sometimes, And so now when
someone's being overly vulnerable and I'm vulnerable online too, it's
really hard to get it gauges to what's right or
wrong or where you stand on it, and it all
comes down to the individual and their intention. If I
ever share vulnerably online, it's because I believe there's a lesson,
(06:11):
there's a guiding moment, there's a teaching moment, there's something
I've gained that I want to share with it. That's
when I choose to do that. I have a boundary
around it. I have a way of thinking about when
and why I want to be vulnerable. I think people
who listen to my podcast regularly do understand who I
am as a person.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
That's a good assessment, though, go on what you just said,
a good assessment of knowing whether you should be vulnerable
or not. What is the reason behind you being vulnerable online?
What is the reason you're sharing yourself crying? What is
the reason you're sharing this difficult thing that happened. Is
it because you want someone to be able to relate
to it be better, which is milful? Is it because
(06:50):
you want attention? Is it because you want sympathy? Like
being really clear about what way your vulnerability is coming from.
That's a really great place of assessment. Sorry to cut
you off by no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I'm so glad you did. You should know.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
I think it's better when we're doing that. There was
this you just said something that hit this. Doctor Christopher
Hands said, the more people tend to present about themselves,
the less sympathy they get when things go wrong. People
they brought it on themselves, and oversharing can lead to
judgment instead of empathy online especially, And so I agree
(07:23):
that if I was to ever cry online, I have
cried in interviews before, which has been very natural. But
if I was ever to cry online, to share a
paint point. It would be because I think it could
help someone, or it's because I would hope someone would
be able to connect to it and not feel alone.
That would be my intention. Now I'm not saying that's perfect.
(07:44):
I'm not saying that's the best or the right thing
to do. That's just how I see it. But if
I wanted to cry and just break down, I would.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Just call you, yeah, exactly, take.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Right, or talk to one of my friends, because that's
where I think it would be held the best.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
I remember when I started we go cry. I started
seeing all these pictures or so becoming more conscious of
the fact that we take so many pictures laughing, but
we never take pictures of ourselves crying. And I remember
starting to collect these pictures of whenever I was upset,
or that i'd sent to my friend or I spoke
to my friend was going through a difficult time and
she was like, I'm so upset right now and I
(08:20):
don't feel like posting anything online. I was like, send
me a picture of you crying, Like, send me a
picture of what's actually happening in this real moment. And
she always repeats it back to me because now she
says that she documents and takes pictures of every emotion
that she's feeling and whenever. Now, I share a lot
of pictures of me crying online now, just because I
also want that to be normalized. Of yes, of course
(08:41):
it'll be crazy if I was crying. In the next second,
I'm taking a selfie and I'm smiling. That's actually boadline psychotic.
And so I felt like the necessity of sharing the
fact that you are upset can be normalized because if
people if we're trying to create an open platform or
a place where people can be themselves online, there has
to be that ability of not having to switch it
(09:02):
up to a smile straight away.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Yeah, I think for you at least, and you can
correct me if I'm wrong. There was a feeling of
when people are like, oh, you're always happy, and you
kind of wanted to help people understand that no one
in the world is always happy, which I think is
a great message and is true and people need to hear.
And that was you know, that's important thing. And obviously
a really good cry is based on that, the idea
(09:25):
that you get that ability to share your emotions. But
what's really interesting is that Sociologist Ben Ager says that
people often reveal more of their inner feelings, opinions, and
sexuality online than they would in person or even over
the phone. And I think that's actually because in some
cases it's easier to be yourself with strangers than it
(09:49):
is with the people that know you best, because the
people that know you best, when you share your emotions
that way, then they're like, wait a minute, you're not
like this, wait, why are you doing this?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
What's going on here? Was?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
When you share it online, you kind of sometimes feel
heard and scene where a stranger goes.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
I feel the same way.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Thank you for sharing that, And so I don't think
it's fair for anyone to say, oh, you shouldn't share
how you feel online, because that may be where you
feel safest for some people.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
In an interesting way, can you talk about what you've
always shared with me, the oversharing thing I was telling,
the saying about the protecting before you before you speak
things that haven't happened.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, this is a spiritual principle.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I'm writing about it in my third book right now, actually,
And it's this idea that I was always told in
the monastery that when you share something before it's complete,
that idea lose its fifty percent of its value, and
actually you lose the energy and the discipline to maybe
even carry it through. And so often when you're excited
(10:51):
about something, you just blurt it out and then you
never get around to doing it because in some cases,
you've already enjoyed the moment of sharing.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
The success of it, and you've.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Already gained the validation for it, and so you don't
feel it anymore. Whereas when you keep something private and
you build it and then you put it out into
the world, it has a much better reaction for you
as well, because you used all that energy to complete
the task. And that's what it's all about. It's not
about whether it gets validation or praise. It's about are
(11:22):
you losing energy by talking about this thing to everyone?
And so the way I've changed it is I talk
to people who can actually give me insight or impact
on that thing. So if someone can give me an idea,
someone can help me with it, I'll share it with them.
But if they can't, then I probably won't. Yeah, And
I found that to be true for me, and it's
really helped me in my life. I like building things
(11:43):
in private and then launching them in public than talking
about something in public forever and then putting it out there.
And I may not even get around putting it out there.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
But there's a weird line between like telling people things
for accountability and then overshare, because sometimes you want to
tell people that I'm trying to get to this goal,
and you know, I'm telling you because I really want
to make sure I get there. But then I have,
you know, I completely relate to the telling everybody everything,
and then you kind of lose the energy or the
will to even get there because you've already enjoyed. They
(12:17):
say that you enjoyed the success in your mind already,
so it's almost like your your mind doesn't know the
difference between actually actually completing something and when you're talking
about it, because the same hormones or the same chemicals
are released in your brain. So when you've already technically
succeeded by talking about it, you have less motivation to
complete it afterwards. Yes, so that's I guess. Yeah, and
(12:39):
that's the only thing I actually read something. I actually
came across this, I think this morning on Instagram and
I had saved it. Yeah, this is why oversharing drains
your aura, according to Irada, and so if you ever
felt off after a deep shit online or with someone
who didn't feel safe, Iraida says, it's your aura and
your energetic boundary getting weakened. And so it basically talks
about how now when you end up sharing sacred parts
(13:02):
of yourself with people who haven't earned it, or whether
you're venting too much on social media or explaining your
life constantly or seeking constant external validation. The fact is
that every single word carries intentionality, and when you end
up sharing words over and over again, they lose their intentionality,
they lose their power, they lose their energy, and that
it scatters your energy all over the place, rather than
(13:24):
being focused on trying to actually fix the problem, it
just scatters you. And I have noticed that I do
think that there's this power of when you end up
talking about things too much, it drains you, and it
drains the problem too, or it drains the excitement of something.
It really is a draining practice to continuously keep talking.
(13:44):
But on the other hand, I have noticed that when
you're in social situations, I used to do this to
try and fill gaps. I would overshare things, and I
would talk about things unnecessarily or say things that really
don't need to be talked about in this situation, but
to try and create a closeness. That's why oversharing is
sometimes used in between people is let me tell you
everything about my life so we feel close straight away.
(14:06):
It's like a false closeness that you can create and
a way to show a way to make people trust
you because I'm going to tell you I'm an open book.
I'm going to tell you everything about my life. One
because hopefully it makes you like me more, two because
now you can be vulnerable with me. And three now
it makes you feel like you're my best friend and
(14:27):
it creates as connection as fast as possible.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
But I think it's really important to know when to
share things and who to share things with, because if
they're not ready for it, and if they don't know
you well enough, it's so much harder to receive that information.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Yeah. And I love that point.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
And I think that you actually end up being more
confused because you've now told thirty people.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Yeah, so a lot of people. Now.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
I think you have a group chat and you tell
thirty people who you're dating what they said to you
and you're saying, what should I say back? Yeah, I know,
you ask thirty people, how are you going to pro
sss thirty people's backgrounds, walks of life, advice, insight, No
wonder you feel lost and confused because you're asking thirty
people in the group chat how to respond, and then
you're asking someone else when you meet them and then
(15:12):
exactly what you said about draining the problem. And I
think one of the biggest things with oversharing now though,
is that it's also different on different platforms and so
on Instagram and TikTok, because it's actually generally your face
and your name. It's different where I know a lot
of people who find people sharing their stories of miscarriages,
(15:34):
IVF breakups on Reddit is actually really helpful for them
because they're reading about other people's anonymous experiences. And there's
something we get from anonymous oversharinge because the person can
tell everything about their life because it's not their name.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
It feels a bit more authentic, I guess as well,
because you know that they're not doing it for themselves.
They're sharing anonymously, which means that there must be some
sort of tooth shore it.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Yeah, and that being totally themselves because they don't have
anything to gain, and so many people can turn to
that and be like, oh my god, that's exactly what
I'm going through, and that's exactly what I'm experiencing. And
I think that is the same even for someone on
Instagram who's going through Like I follow plenty of people
who are sharing their healing journeys, whether it's their health,
whether it's a challenge they've went through. I find it
so inspiring, so I rarely see something as oversharing from
(16:24):
a consumer point of view. I find it really inspiring
when someone's opening their heart, and I find it really
amazing for the world that people can do that. I
think it only makes the person who's sharing happy if
their intention is not attention and validation. That's how I
look at it. When I see someone, I see bravery,
I see courage, I see in a big heart. But
(16:47):
for them it will only fulfill them if it's done
from the intention of I want to serve, I want
to help, I want to support, I want to share,
but I'm not doing it for attention and validation.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
Do you think that you know, we talk about this
a lot, where you really have to be careful about
who you tell what to. And in that sense, we
don't talk about that many wins that we have with
too many people, or even pain points even about a relationship.
You know, there are certain things that you keep private
versus sharing it with people or being really mindful about
(17:18):
who you share what with. Do you think other people's
energy can affect the things that you are thinking about
or doing in your life if you share it with
the wrong people.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I don't think it's some sort of magic pocus pocus thing.
I think it's truly just their thoughts can affect you.
For example, let's say you want to start something right
and I was guilty of this a few months ago
with us, and you kindly called me out about it
in a good way. You shared an idea with me
about something and we were just messaging about it. My
(17:49):
initial response was, yeah, we can't.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Do that right now.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Oh, And you were like, wait a minute, can you
just let me share my idea?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (17:55):
And you said it in a really nice way, and
I got the message, and I felt really bad about it,
and I was wrong. But my point is my energy.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Did affect it.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
It. I closed something down when I shouldn't have. So
that's a really good example. So let's say someone's listening
right now and they're like, you've got an idea to
start a YouTube channel or a podcast, or you want
to write a book, and you go and tell all
your friends, and then all your friends go, why are
you starting a podcast?
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Like, oh, you know, there's like a million podcasts now.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
It's not a hocus focus. That energy affects you. You
hear that and you go, yeah, maybe I shouldn't start it.
So true, So all of a sudden, that energy has
affected you. Now, if you had shared it with a podcaster,
that podcast would have said to you, oh, great, what
genre is it? What kind of podcast do you want
to do? And you're like, yeah, it's all about relationships
and it's all about connection, And then you could have
(18:42):
asked them a question. They would have said, yeah, well,
here's what you need to do. Makes you do one
episode a week, make sure that you are really authentic
and be yourself, and make sure that you're consistent because
something like ninety seven percent of podcast don't make it
past episode two or three. Right now, all of a sudden,
that person who's already done what you want to do
is actually helping you, whereas someone who hasn't done what
(19:03):
you want to do is draining you. And so I
think it is important because energy does impact you and
affect you, and someone who's already done what you want
to do is more likely to encourage you, where someone
who hasn't done it is more likely to discourage you
because they may not understand, they think it's hard, or
they think it's complicated.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Do you think people are happier when they're sharing more
or do you think actually, oh, I'll ask you for yourself.
When you made the decision to keep a lot of
your own life private and be mindful about what you're sharing,
did that bring more peace and clarity and confidence in
what you're doing or did you feel like you're missing
out on Did you feel a bit lonely without sharing things?
Speaker 1 (19:42):
I think people online and I want to ask you
the same questions about these are great questions. I think
we started to equate vulnerability with authenticity online.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Tell me the difference.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
So I, no, no, no, it's it's we're saying that
if you share stuff about your life, then you're off authentic. Yeah,
don't share stuff about your life.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
You're not authentic.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
My take is authenticity is sharing the right thing with
the right person at the right time. That's actually authentic.
Right If I just found out that a family member
was ill just today, I wouldn't tell everyone on social media,
not because I'm being inauthentic, but the first person a
call would be my family member exactly. So that's not
an inauthentic act. It's actually the most authentic act. So
(20:27):
I think we shouldn't fall for this trap where it's like,
if you're not fully vulnerable online all the time, that
you're inauthentic. Actually being authentic is being intentional and selective.
In my that's my definition for it. So I feel
very happy knowing what I share with you, what I
share with my best friends, what I share with my mom,
and then what I share online. Am I sharing my
(20:48):
truth online?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Of course i am? Am I sharing my heart online?
Of course I am.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Are there things that are private that need to be
kept between me and my mum, or me and you,
or me and my best friends. Of course there are,
because that's reality, And I don't think that makes someone inauthentic.
I think it actually makes someone real because it's the
same as saying, if you're do you go into your
workplace because social media is our workplace. Ye, you go
(21:14):
into your workplace, stand up on your desk and tell
everyone in your office everything about everything.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
And you would never do that.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
You wouldn't hijack the company's zoom call and say, guys,
I just need everyone to know right now that this
is what's going on in my life.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
You would just never do that. It's not normal.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
But online we assume that that is the normal. I'm
not saying it's bad if you do that. I'm just
saying that for me, that's not authenticity.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Yeah, I think I've really struggled with that. I think
I've always gone between, Oh, I just want to keep
everything private now because everyone's opinions and everyone's thoughts and
things are too much, and then back to, oh, maybe
I should be showing because me not talking about this
seems like I'm really happy, but actually I've got this
going on in my life and my grandma's not well
and whatever. Maybe I should be sharing because I'm sharing
(22:00):
smiles and happiness all online, but there's another part of
my life that's happening. And then I've just come to
the conclusion that no one will ever understand the duality
in people's lives, and I think that's just my conclusion
is of having gone through the ups and downs of
sharing or not sharing, and even sharing within within friendship circles,
I think, actually I don't share much with my friends,
(22:23):
or very selective about what I speak to, who I
speak to about what, and it's made me so much
happier because it's also allowed me to be so much
more reflective in my own life. I think I was
so used to outsourcing my uncertainty with other people's opinions
and making decisions based on that that now the more
that I feel comfortable with answering my own questions solving
(22:47):
my own problems, the less I've got this need to
speak to so many people about so many things happening
in my life. And I actually do feel so much
happier in that. I think the only part I struggle with,
which you know, is being misunderstood online, and I think
that's something that I am forever working on, because I
think I go through these bouts of sharing and then
(23:08):
not sharing and trying to find that in between. But
what you said about the work situation that makes sense
to you just stand up and shout when you're having
a bad day in your office, you don't. You don't
do that. And so I think it goes back to intentionality.
Am I sharing this for a good reason? Or am
I sharing this to try and prove myself which I've
done before, or get people to try and understand me,
(23:29):
which is impossible. I actually sent a voice note to
my friend this morning, our friend this morning, because she
was saying, how you know her ex boyfriend's friends don't
like her because of stuff that he said. And I said, look,
they're all going to always be people who no matter
what you do or say, if they've wanted to dislike you,
(23:50):
no matter how much you tell them about yourself, no
matter how much you're trying and convince them that you
are amazing, if they have already wanted to dislike you,
they'll have found any one word, a breath that you've
taken that they don't like. But if they want to
be rooting for you, and if they want to see
good in you, and if they want to love you,
everything that you say, they'll give you benefit of doubt
everything you say, they'll give you grace. And I wrote
(24:10):
about this in my notes the other week. I was
thinking imagine how nice it would be if people just
gave people grace, whether they're oversharing, whether they're not sharing enough.
Like I just think everybody is going through duality and
so much in their life that it's impossible to know
the depths of someone. Even if someone was vlogging for
twenty four hours a day, even if someone was telling
you every moment that they were moving, you can't know
(24:32):
their heart and you can't know their mind, and so
it's impossible to know someone that deeply. And the sharing,
not sharing or oversharing, I think also comes comes with
how you're feeling in the moment, in the day, in
your life, depending what's happening.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Yeah, I love what you're saying. I think we've created
such a judgmental, critical world. And it's almost like if
you walked into a movie theater and you watch three
minutes of a movie, and then you walked out, and
then you walked into another movie for three minutes, then
you walked out, and you walked into another movie for
three minutes. That's what we do on social media. That's
(25:07):
so true, right, you don't ever see the full picture,
So no one has listened to every episode I've ever
recorded on any platform I've ever been on. It would
be my full picture.
Speaker 3 (25:18):
You never talk about purpose, yes.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Or yeah exactly, or you never talk about this or
you know. It's like, but that's how we'd feel if
we walked into movie for three minutes and walked out.
So you can only truly have an opinion on something
when you.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Understand it fully.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Yes, you can have an opinion on anything, to be honest,
but you can only truly have an assessment of something, yes,
if you understand it fully. And today most of us
make big assessments on small amounts of information huge.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
And we all do it.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
I do it too, And that's why it's so important
to remind each other of that and what you were
saying where you know, I remember a few years back
because people were like, oh generally I never together anymore.
Maybe they're breaking up, Like maybe you know all this
for months? Yeah, yeah, and it's like, no, we travel
a lot for work, We do spend time apart every
(26:10):
year consciously intentionally planned. But if you don't know us,
and you're not you don't know our relationship, your assessment
of it is completely inaccurate.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Yeah, And so this idea of like, oh.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Maybe they're breaking up or did you know they don't
live together anymore? And it's like, well, no, Rather, he
was in London and I was in la which are
two places that we live in. Like you know, it's
and it's so basic. But and I don't come out
and defend or talk about these things or make it
obviously because to me, it's not worth it, it's not enough.
But it's important to help people realize that. That's why
(26:43):
people don't overshare, or that's why they do overshare. And
so my thing is very clear. I really don't share
anything to try and get someone to believe I'm anything.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
Yes, you really don't, you're.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
So happy with whatever judgment and just.
Speaker 3 (26:58):
Say something about this. I really don't need to. I
don't need so at peace with it, it's so good.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah, And it's not that I'm fully at peace with it.
I'm probably like figuring out. Yeah, it's not like I'm
beyond it. I'm figuring out internally. But what I've realized
is my intentions really clear. That's what I'm focused on
because I can't change It's what you just said. So well,
it's if someone doesn't like me, no matter what I do,
they'll still not like me, And if someone loves me,
(27:25):
no matter what I do, they'll still love me. And
that's how we make decisions in life. And so I
don't want to convince someone to change their mind about me. Yeah,
if someone thinks I'm x y Z, that's okay, because
I don't want to waste my life explaining myself.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
I just want to accept that this is where I am.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
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Speaker 3 (29:21):
You know where I found sharing recently has been really useful.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
I was going to ask you that itally, Yeah, where
is it?
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Where it's been really useful? So I And again this
is based on relationship stuff. But one of my friends
was really struggling in her relationship and we were speaking
about all the people that we know in our families,
everyone that we're really close to that she also knows
that I know. And I was saying, you know, it's
really normal if you've been in a relationship for X
amount of time to go through phases that are really difficult.
(29:49):
You do know that this person in our family has
been through it, this person in our friendship circle has
been through it, this person has been through this. These
people have gone to couples therapy. Me and Jay have
gone the readly. We've got times we've found it it's
hard to even have conversations with each other. We've been
through so many ups and downs. She said, I had
no idea. What do you mean. I had no idea
that was normal. I've seen all of you and none
(30:10):
of that makes any sense. I was like, yeah, these
people were the verge of breaking up and they literally
had to spend so much a year trying to reconnect.
She was like, no way. And I told her all
of that to make her realize how normal the phases
she was going through in her relationship were. But I
found that so useful because even within relationships, obviously you
(30:31):
have the pictures at events, and you have all these
little things that you can share and we're talking about online,
but even within within close family groups or close friendship groups,
you will not even know what's happening and realize that
actually they're going through the same thing as you are,
and it makes you feel so okay about your situation
when you realize you're not the only one. And so
I think having those that conversation with my friend was
(30:54):
so important because one, it humanized everyone and it wasn't
just the rosy relationships that she too. I don't know
anybody who hasn't gone through stuff in their relationship. And
then three, I think sharing it online for a lot
of people who are public figures or not even public
figures sharing it with their communities. Let's say, the time
it becomes difficult is when people take one thing and
(31:14):
make it into something huge even though they've been through it.
So like me saying okay, we found it really difficult before,
someone may say, oh my gosh, they found it difficult,
not realizing that they've had such difficult times in their
relationship too. And so I think the judgment ends up
going towards people even when we've created that experience or
had that experience in our life. But I think sharing
in that way has been so useful, even between me
(31:38):
and my best friend. Now, when I say things that
I've been through she's like, I would have never thought
that that was you. And she's like, oh, I went
through that too, and I can't believe we're the same.
And we've had that in common even though we're such
different people. And I think being more open about things
like that, especially in our community, because especially I don't know,
you know, wherever you whichever community are, and I'm sure
it's quite similar, but painting rosy pictures about family relationships,
(32:02):
about partner relationships, about all these things, it's so easy
to paint in a rosy picture, and it helps no
one because then everyone thinks they're the odd one now
when they're going through the same thing that you are.
So that I found really useful recently after being around
my friends and family here.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
I mean, that's one of the reasons why, you know,
if anyone ever watched the history of our conversations we've
had online, yeah, them, we'll focus on challenges we've had.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Yeah, probably, And.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
That's where I've felt sharing is really helpful. Is my
intention is to show that we're all in the same boat.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Yeah, No one's example.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
We're all on the same page.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
No matter how enlightened or perfect or illuminated you feel.
Someone is we're all in the same boat and we're
all struggling. And that is when I think sharing is
really important, and that's what I choose to share. I
choose to share my challenges. I choose to share things
that I'm stressed about.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
Or you're like that even with your friends, not even
just this is even in a public forum. I hear
you speak to your friends about the real I'm like,
oh wow, I didn't think it was going to talk
about that, or didn't think you would share that with
that person, but you really do to help them also
open up back to.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
You, and also just because I also want them to
know that that's the real expression that everyone has.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And it's you being honest with yourself in that moment too,
isn't it. I think we can get so covered up
by the fake realities we create in our own mind
of trying to be okay in front of other people
that share that, you end up sharing this false version
of yourself and then you come away from that conversation
and even though you think you've been vulnerable, you've actually
been false vulnerable because that's not actually how you feel.
(33:32):
You haven't actually shared anything exactly, and so you haven't
actually built a connection to anyone. I always think that's
why I find difficult when you know, people catch pictures
of celebrities fighting and they put up pictures of it
or whatever. It's like, have we not all had a
moment where we've slammed the door? Have we all had
a moment where we've walked out of a restaurant because
we've had an argument, we were a little bit upset.
And so I think that I always feel so sad
(33:55):
for people when I see stuff like that, because I'm like,
I've had those moments or showing up, I've slammed the
door in the car and I've left before, and.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Or you don't have a clue what was happening anyway.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Someone's resting face is just not smiley.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
And so someone.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Whenever I'm on my phone and you're like are you okay,
and I'm like writing a message and it's literally me
just on Aesos ordering some clothes and I'm literally just concentrating.
But if someone saw me doing that in public, fine with.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Somebody, yeah exactly.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
And that's I think that's what it is, is that
you can't make big assessments and judgments with small information
and it would just make your life more peaceful and easier.
I think the takeaway I want people to have is
that whether you have a life that is online or
whether it's your offline life, it's almost like the same
principles apply. Who do you want to share this with,
(34:47):
what are you trying to share, and most importantly, why
are you sharing it? What's your intention? And if your
intention is to make others feel less alone, if your
intention is to share something so that you've loved in case.
Speaker 3 (35:00):
Help people through what they're going frock and.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Help yourself, these are all beautiful things. And no one
can tell you whether you're oversharing or overexposed. Only you
get to decide that even if everyone goes, oh, you're oversharing,
you wanted to share it, as long as your intentions
in the right place. And don't ever feel pressured into
thinking that you have to be vulnerable to be authentic,
(35:24):
because it's authentic to be vulnerable when you want to
not it's not authentic to just be vulnerable anytime, any
place with everyone.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Yeah, and I think i'd also add that sharing is
similar with your words, is similar to sharing emotion in
the sense that you're not supposed to hold everything inside,
and it's not supposed to all live in your head either,
And so I think part of experiencing life, and part
of experiencing emotions, and part of experiencing pain and happiness,
a big part of it is the sharing aspect of it.
(35:55):
There is a notion of you experience something and then
you share it. You learn something and then you share it,
And so we're not supposed to just keep everything inside
of us. There is supposed to be this action of
receiving whatever the whatever it is, pain, knowledge, information, and
then giving it out to other people. And I think
we're built to be in communities and sharing is a
(36:17):
big part of that, and being honest with yourself a
big part of that is also sharing. And I think
that's something really important to remember that we have to
learn to take what's in our mind and be able
to say it out loud to really sometimes get the
depth or the weight of what is inside of us.
But yeah, keep sharing, people, keep sharing.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
Thanks so much for listening and watching everyone.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
I hope you share your comments, your ideas, your thoughts
in the comment section, and of course share this episode
with anyone else that.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
You think is Can you know what overshare It overshare
this episode. Yeah, okay, by hey everyone.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
If you love that conversation, go and check out my
episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she
answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
want to miss this conversation.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard
to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
Speaker 3 (37:24):
It's so lovely.
Sometimes you have to sit back and you have to
think before you speak.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
The yappers regret.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
It's a real thing.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Sometimes I just I'll spill my deepest, darkest secrets just
because I want to keep the conversation going.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Damn, I did not need to share that much information sometimes.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
I was always told in the monastery that when you
share something before it's complete, that idea lose its fifty
percent of its value.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
You know, when something's like at the top of your heart,
it's like stuck at the top of your throat, and
all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk
about it.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Even if someone was vlogging for twenty four hours a day,
even if someone was telling you every moment that they
were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't
know their mind.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I really don't share anything to try and get someone
to believe I'm anything.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
I've just come to the conclusion that no one will
ever Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode of
On Pap. I wish we had a name for it,
we do. Welcome back to this week's episode of Conversations
with Radi on On Purpose we have been having these
wonderful discussions. That's not the efficient name, but we have
(01:13):
been having these wonderful conversations based on things our friends
have told us, things we've been reading, listening to, and
we realized that these conversations are actually really useful to
maybe share with people. Me and Jay have them often
when we're on car journeys together traveling, and one has
helped create more depth in our conversation, but also some
of the stuff we come out with, it's pretty good
(01:34):
in them. So I thought, let's share it. Well, I
didn't think Jay thought let's share it with the world.
On a fourth episode a week of On Purpose, over to.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
You, Jay, why we suddenly switched to news.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
A news Anka, It's hard not to when you've got
mic in front of you.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Is it? Is that what you feel like today?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
On today's weather? It's I can you just start?
Speaker 2 (01:56):
All right?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
So as you're talking about what we want to share,
today's topic is all about oversharing. Are we oversharing online?
Are we over sharing with our friends? What is too much?
What is just enough? What do we do with it?
Because it feels like we don't know who to share
our life with? How much of our life to share,
where to share it, and let's dive in.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
It's so true. I've really struggled, well, you said online,
I really struggle with the online sharing situation because on
one hand, people want to experience your personality, and especially
as someone who is sharing a lot of content online,
you also want people to feel like they know your life,
because otherwise you're just sharing little miniscule parts of it,
the best parts, which people don't want to see anymore.
(02:40):
They also want to see the pain. But then when
I sometimes share that I'm crying and get messages that
why you are sharing that you're sad? Like I don't
want to be sad with you, and so it's such
an interesting message. Oh yeah, I do, I get like, oh,
your life must be so hard. You know, if you
do share that you're upset, there's always somebody or people
who who think you've got no reason to be said,
so why you cry? And so I think there's a
(03:01):
really difficult balance between. I always used to say I
don't want to share the negative parts of life because
there's enough negativity in the world, and I'd rather share
even if I am feeling a certain way. I'd rather
share even if I have an ounce of happiness, let
me share that online rather than sharing sadness with people,
because energy is so contagious that if someone comes online,
(03:21):
they're already having a bad day. The last thing I
want is to make their day worse. But I think
it was so interesting because I was speaking to my
friend about this. She's going through probably one of the
most difficult times in her life right now, going through
a situation that she never expected herself to be in,
and she was really struggling with it. You know, when
something's like at the top of your heart, it's like
stuck at the top of your throat, and all you're
(03:42):
waiting to do is burst out and talk about it
because it's so prominent inside of you. And so what
she started doing was she had told me, and then
she started spending time with people, and we had said,
maybe you shouldn't speak about this to other people, but
when she ended up being around people too much, she
would end up blesting out or share it. And I
had a conversation with her about how it's so important
(04:04):
to protect things that one if you're unsure about, or
two that are really difficult, because a lot of the
time people don't necessarily have the best desires for you.
There are very few people in this world who actually
have deep desire for you to be happy. And so
when you end up sharing certain things or over sharing things,
(04:24):
I think it leaks this energy of One, the situation
gets made bigger because you're constantly speaking about it, and
therefore even if it was painful, it becomes even more painful.
Or two, there's this idea in like iv Aiden. I
think you've spoken about this as well, where when when
you share too much, you're just leaking energy out of
that one thing, And you talk about this that I'd
(04:46):
love for you to share this about when things haven't
happened yet, and then sharing them before things have happened,
and the leaking of energy that happens in that. But
I was speaking to her about it, and I do
believe that sometimes oversharing or not sharing to the right
people can be really detrimental to whatever it is that
you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Yeah, I think it all comes down. I think the
world will talk about some things we call them over
sharing because we want to censor it. Sometimes people think
things are oversharing because they're overly emotional. I think we
have to look back at how this all started. The
online world was a place people put up pictures, they
put up food, they put up dances. All of a sudden,
(05:25):
people started sharing highlight reels, and that's what we did.
We shared our best moments. People then called that out
and said we want to see the truth, and people
started sharing vulnerable things. Vulnerability, which is actually quite an
intimate personal thing, became a very public thing, right. And
then what's happened is vulnerability, in my opinion, has become performative. Sometimes,
(05:49):
it's not always, not always sometimes, And so now when
someone's being overly vulnerable and I'm vulnerable online too, it's
really hard to get it gauges to what's right or
wrong or where you stand on it, and it all
comes down to the individual and their intention. If I
ever share vulnerably online, it's because I believe there's a lesson,
(06:11):
there's a guiding moment, there's a teaching moment, there's something
I've gained that I want to share with it. That's
when I choose to do that. I have a boundary
around it. I have a way of thinking about when
and why I want to be vulnerable. I think people
who listen to my podcast regularly do understand who I
am as a person.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
That's a good assessment, though, go on what you just said,
a good assessment of knowing whether you should be vulnerable
or not. What is the reason behind you being vulnerable online?
What is the reason you're sharing yourself crying? What is
the reason you're sharing this difficult thing that happened. Is
it because you want someone to be able to relate
to it be better, which is milful? Is it because
(06:50):
you want attention? Is it because you want sympathy? Like
being really clear about what way your vulnerability is coming from.
That's a really great place of assessment. Sorry to cut
you off by no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I'm so glad you did. You should know.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
I think it's better when we're doing that. There was
this you just said something that hit this. Doctor Christopher
Hands said, the more people tend to present about themselves,
the less sympathy they get when things go wrong. People
they brought it on themselves, and oversharing can lead to
judgment instead of empathy online especially, And so I agree
(07:23):
that if I was to ever cry online, I have
cried in interviews before, which has been very natural. But
if I was ever to cry online, to share a
paint point. It would be because I think it could
help someone, or it's because I would hope someone would
be able to connect to it and not feel alone.
That would be my intention. Now I'm not saying that's perfect.
(07:44):
I'm not saying that's the best or the right thing
to do. That's just how I see it. But if
I wanted to cry and just break down, I would.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Just call you, yeah, exactly, take.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Right, or talk to one of my friends, because that's
where I think it would be held the best.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
I remember when I started we go cry. I started
seeing all these pictures or so becoming more conscious of
the fact that we take so many pictures laughing, but
we never take pictures of ourselves crying. And I remember
starting to collect these pictures of whenever I was upset,
or that i'd sent to my friend or I spoke
to my friend was going through a difficult time and
she was like, I'm so upset right now and I
(08:20):
don't feel like posting anything online. I was like, send
me a picture of you crying, Like, send me a
picture of what's actually happening in this real moment. And
she always repeats it back to me because now she
says that she documents and takes pictures of every emotion
that she's feeling and whenever. Now, I share a lot
of pictures of me crying online now, just because I
also want that to be normalized. Of yes, of course
(08:41):
it'll be crazy if I was crying. In the next second,
I'm taking a selfie and I'm smiling. That's actually boadline psychotic.
And so I felt like the necessity of sharing the
fact that you are upset can be normalized because if
people if we're trying to create an open platform or
a place where people can be themselves online, there has
to be that ability of not having to switch it
(09:02):
up to a smile straight away.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Yeah, I think for you at least, and you can
correct me if I'm wrong. There was a feeling of
when people are like, oh, you're always happy, and you
kind of wanted to help people understand that no one
in the world is always happy, which I think is
a great message and is true and people need to hear.
And that was you know, that's important thing. And obviously
a really good cry is based on that, the idea
(09:25):
that you get that ability to share your emotions. But
what's really interesting is that Sociologist Ben Ager says that
people often reveal more of their inner feelings, opinions, and
sexuality online than they would in person or even over
the phone. And I think that's actually because in some
cases it's easier to be yourself with strangers than it
(09:49):
is with the people that know you best, because the
people that know you best, when you share your emotions
that way, then they're like, wait a minute, you're not
like this, wait, why are you doing this?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
What's going on here? Was?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
When you share it online, you kind of sometimes feel
heard and scene where a stranger goes.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
I feel the same way.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Thank you for sharing that, And so I don't think
it's fair for anyone to say, oh, you shouldn't share
how you feel online, because that may be where you
feel safest for some people.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
In an interesting way, can you talk about what you've
always shared with me, the oversharing thing I was telling,
the saying about the protecting before you before you speak
things that haven't happened.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, this is a spiritual principle.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I'm writing about it in my third book right now, actually,
And it's this idea that I was always told in
the monastery that when you share something before it's complete,
that idea lose its fifty percent of its value, and
actually you lose the energy and the discipline to maybe
even carry it through. And so often when you're excited
(10:51):
about something, you just blurt it out and then you
never get around to doing it because in some cases,
you've already enjoyed the moment of sharing.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
The success of it, and you've.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Already gained the validation for it, and so you don't
feel it anymore. Whereas when you keep something private and
you build it and then you put it out into
the world, it has a much better reaction for you
as well, because you used all that energy to complete
the task. And that's what it's all about. It's not
about whether it gets validation or praise. It's about are
(11:22):
you losing energy by talking about this thing to everyone?
And so the way I've changed it is I talk
to people who can actually give me insight or impact
on that thing. So if someone can give me an idea,
someone can help me with it, I'll share it with them.
But if they can't, then I probably won't. Yeah, And
I found that to be true for me, and it's
really helped me in my life. I like building things
(11:43):
in private and then launching them in public than talking
about something in public forever and then putting it out there.
And I may not even get around putting it out there.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
But there's a weird line between like telling people things
for accountability and then overshare, because sometimes you want to
tell people that I'm trying to get to this goal,
and you know, I'm telling you because I really want
to make sure I get there. But then I have,
you know, I completely relate to the telling everybody everything,
and then you kind of lose the energy or the
will to even get there because you've already enjoyed. They
(12:17):
say that you enjoyed the success in your mind already,
so it's almost like your your mind doesn't know the
difference between actually actually completing something and when you're talking
about it, because the same hormones or the same chemicals
are released in your brain. So when you've already technically
succeeded by talking about it, you have less motivation to
complete it afterwards. Yes, so that's I guess. Yeah, and
(12:39):
that's the only thing I actually read something. I actually
came across this, I think this morning on Instagram and
I had saved it. Yeah, this is why oversharing drains
your aura, according to Irada, and so if you ever
felt off after a deep shit online or with someone
who didn't feel safe, Iraida says, it's your aura and
your energetic boundary getting weakened. And so it basically talks
about how now when you end up sharing sacred parts
(13:02):
of yourself with people who haven't earned it, or whether
you're venting too much on social media or explaining your
life constantly or seeking constant external validation. The fact is
that every single word carries intentionality, and when you end
up sharing words over and over again, they lose their intentionality,
they lose their power, they lose their energy, and that
it scatters your energy all over the place, rather than
(13:24):
being focused on trying to actually fix the problem, it
just scatters you. And I have noticed that I do
think that there's this power of when you end up
talking about things too much, it drains you, and it
drains the problem too, or it drains the excitement of something.
It really is a draining practice to continuously keep talking.
(13:44):
But on the other hand, I have noticed that when
you're in social situations, I used to do this to
try and fill gaps. I would overshare things, and I
would talk about things unnecessarily or say things that really
don't need to be talked about in this situation, but
to try and create a closeness. That's why oversharing is
sometimes used in between people is let me tell you
everything about my life so we feel close straight away.
(14:06):
It's like a false closeness that you can create and
a way to show a way to make people trust
you because I'm going to tell you I'm an open book.
I'm going to tell you everything about my life. One
because hopefully it makes you like me more, two because
now you can be vulnerable with me. And three now
it makes you feel like you're my best friend and
(14:27):
it creates as connection as fast as possible.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
But I think it's really important to know when to
share things and who to share things with, because if
they're not ready for it, and if they don't know
you well enough, it's so much harder to receive that information.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Yeah. And I love that point.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
And I think that you actually end up being more
confused because you've now told thirty people.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Yeah, so a lot of people. Now.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
I think you have a group chat and you tell
thirty people who you're dating what they said to you
and you're saying, what should I say back? Yeah, I know,
you ask thirty people, how are you going to pro
sss thirty people's backgrounds, walks of life, advice, insight, No
wonder you feel lost and confused because you're asking thirty
people in the group chat how to respond, and then
you're asking someone else when you meet them and then
(15:12):
exactly what you said about draining the problem. And I
think one of the biggest things with oversharing now though,
is that it's also different on different platforms and so
on Instagram and TikTok, because it's actually generally your face
and your name. It's different where I know a lot
of people who find people sharing their stories of miscarriages,
(15:34):
IVF breakups on Reddit is actually really helpful for them
because they're reading about other people's anonymous experiences. And there's
something we get from anonymous oversharinge because the person can
tell everything about their life because it's not their name.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
It feels a bit more authentic, I guess as well,
because you know that they're not doing it for themselves.
They're sharing anonymously, which means that there must be some
sort of tooth shore it.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Yeah, and that being totally themselves because they don't have
anything to gain, and so many people can turn to
that and be like, oh my god, that's exactly what
I'm going through, and that's exactly what I'm experiencing. And
I think that is the same even for someone on
Instagram who's going through Like I follow plenty of people
who are sharing their healing journeys, whether it's their health,
whether it's a challenge they've went through. I find it
so inspiring, so I rarely see something as oversharing from
(16:24):
a consumer point of view. I find it really inspiring
when someone's opening their heart, and I find it really
amazing for the world that people can do that. I
think it only makes the person who's sharing happy if
their intention is not attention and validation. That's how I
look at it. When I see someone, I see bravery,
I see courage, I see in a big heart. But
(16:47):
for them it will only fulfill them if it's done
from the intention of I want to serve, I want
to help, I want to support, I want to share,
but I'm not doing it for attention and validation.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
Do you think that you know, we talk about this
a lot, where you really have to be careful about
who you tell what to. And in that sense, we
don't talk about that many wins that we have with
too many people, or even pain points even about a relationship.
You know, there are certain things that you keep private
versus sharing it with people or being really mindful about
(17:18):
who you share what with. Do you think other people's
energy can affect the things that you are thinking about
or doing in your life if you share it with
the wrong people.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I don't think it's some sort of magic pocus pocus thing.
I think it's truly just their thoughts can affect you.
For example, let's say you want to start something right
and I was guilty of this a few months ago
with us, and you kindly called me out about it
in a good way. You shared an idea with me
about something and we were just messaging about it. My
(17:49):
initial response was, yeah, we can't.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Do that right now.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Oh, And you were like, wait a minute, can you
just let me share my idea?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (17:55):
And you said it in a really nice way, and
I got the message, and I felt really bad about it,
and I was wrong. But my point is my energy.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Did affect it.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
It. I closed something down when I shouldn't have. So
that's a really good example. So let's say someone's listening
right now and they're like, you've got an idea to
start a YouTube channel or a podcast, or you want
to write a book, and you go and tell all
your friends, and then all your friends go, why are
you starting a podcast?
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Like, oh, you know, there's like a million podcasts now.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
It's not a hocus focus. That energy affects you. You
hear that and you go, yeah, maybe I shouldn't start it.
So true, So all of a sudden, that energy has
affected you. Now, if you had shared it with a podcaster,
that podcast would have said to you, oh, great, what
genre is it? What kind of podcast do you want
to do? And you're like, yeah, it's all about relationships
and it's all about connection, And then you could have
(18:42):
asked them a question. They would have said, yeah, well,
here's what you need to do. Makes you do one
episode a week, make sure that you are really authentic
and be yourself, and make sure that you're consistent because
something like ninety seven percent of podcast don't make it
past episode two or three. Right now, all of a sudden,
that person who's already done what you want to do
is actually helping you, whereas someone who hasn't done what
(19:03):
you want to do is draining you. And so I
think it is important because energy does impact you and
affect you, and someone who's already done what you want
to do is more likely to encourage you, where someone
who hasn't done it is more likely to discourage you
because they may not understand, they think it's hard, or
they think it's complicated.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Do you think people are happier when they're sharing more
or do you think actually, oh, I'll ask you for yourself.
When you made the decision to keep a lot of
your own life private and be mindful about what you're sharing,
did that bring more peace and clarity and confidence in
what you're doing or did you feel like you're missing
out on Did you feel a bit lonely without sharing things?
Speaker 1 (19:42):
I think people online and I want to ask you
the same questions about these are great questions. I think
we started to equate vulnerability with authenticity online.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Tell me the difference.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
So I, no, no, no, it's it's we're saying that
if you share stuff about your life, then you're off authentic. Yeah,
don't share stuff about your life.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
You're not authentic.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
My take is authenticity is sharing the right thing with
the right person at the right time. That's actually authentic.
Right If I just found out that a family member
was ill just today, I wouldn't tell everyone on social media,
not because I'm being inauthentic, but the first person a
call would be my family member exactly. So that's not
an inauthentic act. It's actually the most authentic act. So
(20:27):
I think we shouldn't fall for this trap where it's like,
if you're not fully vulnerable online all the time, that
you're inauthentic. Actually being authentic is being intentional and selective.
In my that's my definition for it. So I feel
very happy knowing what I share with you, what I
share with my best friends, what I share with my mom,
and then what I share online. Am I sharing my
(20:48):
truth online?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Of course i am? Am I sharing my heart online?
Of course I am.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Are there things that are private that need to be
kept between me and my mum, or me and you,
or me and my best friends. Of course there are,
because that's reality, And I don't think that makes someone inauthentic.
I think it actually makes someone real because it's the
same as saying, if you're do you go into your
workplace because social media is our workplace. Ye, you go
(21:14):
into your workplace, stand up on your desk and tell
everyone in your office everything about everything.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
And you would never do that.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
You wouldn't hijack the company's zoom call and say, guys,
I just need everyone to know right now that this
is what's going on in my life.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
You would just never do that. It's not normal.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
But online we assume that that is the normal. I'm
not saying it's bad if you do that. I'm just
saying that for me, that's not authenticity.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Yeah, I think I've really struggled with that. I think
I've always gone between, Oh, I just want to keep
everything private now because everyone's opinions and everyone's thoughts and
things are too much, and then back to, oh, maybe
I should be showing because me not talking about this
seems like I'm really happy, but actually I've got this
going on in my life and my grandma's not well
and whatever. Maybe I should be sharing because I'm sharing
(22:00):
smiles and happiness all online, but there's another part of
my life that's happening. And then I've just come to
the conclusion that no one will ever understand the duality
in people's lives, and I think that's just my conclusion
is of having gone through the ups and downs of
sharing or not sharing, and even sharing within within friendship circles,
I think, actually I don't share much with my friends,
(22:23):
or very selective about what I speak to, who I
speak to about what, and it's made me so much
happier because it's also allowed me to be so much
more reflective in my own life. I think I was
so used to outsourcing my uncertainty with other people's opinions
and making decisions based on that that now the more
that I feel comfortable with answering my own questions solving
(22:47):
my own problems, the less I've got this need to
speak to so many people about so many things happening
in my life. And I actually do feel so much
happier in that. I think the only part I struggle with,
which you know, is being misunderstood online, and I think
that's something that I am forever working on, because I
think I go through these bouts of sharing and then
(23:08):
not sharing and trying to find that in between. But
what you said about the work situation that makes sense
to you just stand up and shout when you're having
a bad day in your office, you don't. You don't
do that. And so I think it goes back to intentionality.
Am I sharing this for a good reason? Or am
I sharing this to try and prove myself which I've
done before, or get people to try and understand me,
(23:29):
which is impossible. I actually sent a voice note to
my friend this morning, our friend this morning, because she
was saying, how you know her ex boyfriend's friends don't
like her because of stuff that he said. And I said, look,
they're all going to always be people who no matter
what you do or say, if they've wanted to dislike you,
(23:50):
no matter how much you tell them about yourself, no
matter how much you're trying and convince them that you
are amazing, if they have already wanted to dislike you,
they'll have found any one word, a breath that you've
taken that they don't like. But if they want to
be rooting for you, and if they want to see
good in you, and if they want to love you,
everything that you say, they'll give you benefit of doubt
everything you say, they'll give you grace. And I wrote
(24:10):
about this in my notes the other week. I was
thinking imagine how nice it would be if people just
gave people grace, whether they're oversharing, whether they're not sharing enough.
Like I just think everybody is going through duality and
so much in their life that it's impossible to know
the depths of someone. Even if someone was vlogging for
twenty four hours a day, even if someone was telling
you every moment that they were moving, you can't know
(24:32):
their heart and you can't know their mind, and so
it's impossible to know someone that deeply. And the sharing,
not sharing or oversharing, I think also comes comes with
how you're feeling in the moment, in the day, in
your life, depending what's happening.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Yeah, I love what you're saying. I think we've created
such a judgmental, critical world. And it's almost like if
you walked into a movie theater and you watch three
minutes of a movie, and then you walked out, and
then you walked into another movie for three minutes, then
you walked out, and you walked into another movie for
three minutes. That's what we do on social media. That's
(25:07):
so true, right, you don't ever see the full picture,
So no one has listened to every episode I've ever
recorded on any platform I've ever been on. It would
be my full picture.
Speaker 3 (25:18):
You never talk about purpose, yes.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Or yeah exactly, or you never talk about this or
you know. It's like, but that's how we'd feel if
we walked into movie for three minutes and walked out.
So you can only truly have an opinion on something
when you.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Understand it fully.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Yes, you can have an opinion on anything, to be honest,
but you can only truly have an assessment of something, yes,
if you understand it fully. And today most of us
make big assessments on small amounts of information huge.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
And we all do it.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
I do it too, And that's why it's so important
to remind each other of that and what you were
saying where you know, I remember a few years back
because people were like, oh generally I never together anymore.
Maybe they're breaking up, Like maybe you know all this
for months? Yeah, yeah, and it's like, no, we travel
a lot for work, We do spend time apart every
(26:10):
year consciously intentionally planned. But if you don't know us,
and you're not you don't know our relationship, your assessment
of it is completely inaccurate.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Yeah, And so this idea of like, oh.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Maybe they're breaking up or did you know they don't
live together anymore? And it's like, well, no, Rather, he
was in London and I was in la which are
two places that we live in. Like you know, it's
and it's so basic. But and I don't come out
and defend or talk about these things or make it
obviously because to me, it's not worth it, it's not enough.
But it's important to help people realize that. That's why
(26:43):
people don't overshare, or that's why they do overshare. And
so my thing is very clear. I really don't share
anything to try and get someone to believe I'm anything.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
Yes, you really don't, you're.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
So happy with whatever judgment and just.
Speaker 3 (26:58):
Say something about this. I really don't need to. I
don't need so at peace with it, it's so good.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Yeah, And it's not that I'm fully at peace with it.
I'm probably like figuring out. Yeah, it's not like I'm
beyond it. I'm figuring out internally. But what I've realized
is my intentions really clear. That's what I'm focused on
because I can't change It's what you just said. So well,
it's if someone doesn't like me, no matter what I do,
they'll still not like me, And if someone loves me,
(27:25):
no matter what I do, they'll still love me. And
that's how we make decisions in life. And so I
don't want to convince someone to change their mind about me. Yeah,
if someone thinks I'm x y Z, that's okay, because
I don't want to waste my life explaining myself.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
I just want to accept that this is where I am.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
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Speaker 3 (29:21):
You know where I found sharing recently has been really useful.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
I was going to ask you that itally, Yeah, where
is it?
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Where it's been really useful? So I And again this
is based on relationship stuff. But one of my friends
was really struggling in her relationship and we were speaking
about all the people that we know in our families,
everyone that we're really close to that she also knows
that I know. And I was saying, you know, it's
really normal if you've been in a relationship for X
amount of time to go through phases that are really difficult.
(29:49):
You do know that this person in our family has
been through it, this person in our friendship circle has
been through it, this person has been through this. These
people have gone to couples therapy. Me and Jay have
gone the readly. We've got times we've found it it's
hard to even have conversations with each other. We've been
through so many ups and downs. She said, I had
no idea. What do you mean. I had no idea
that was normal. I've seen all of you and none
(30:10):
of that makes any sense. I was like, yeah, these
people were the verge of breaking up and they literally
had to spend so much a year trying to reconnect.
She was like, no way. And I told her all
of that to make her realize how normal the phases
she was going through in her relationship were. But I
found that so useful because even within relationships, obviously you
(30:31):
have the pictures at events, and you have all these
little things that you can share and we're talking about online,
but even within within close family groups or close friendship groups,
you will not even know what's happening and realize that
actually they're going through the same thing as you are,
and it makes you feel so okay about your situation
when you realize you're not the only one. And so
I think having those that conversation with my friend was
(30:54):
so important because one, it humanized everyone and it wasn't
just the rosy relationships that she too. I don't know
anybody who hasn't gone through stuff in their relationship. And
then three, I think sharing it online for a lot
of people who are public figures or not even public
figures sharing it with their communities. Let's say, the time
it becomes difficult is when people take one thing and
(31:14):
make it into something huge even though they've been through it.
So like me saying okay, we found it really difficult before,
someone may say, oh my gosh, they found it difficult,
not realizing that they've had such difficult times in their
relationship too. And so I think the judgment ends up
going towards people even when we've created that experience or
had that experience in our life. But I think sharing
in that way has been so useful, even between me
(31:38):
and my best friend. Now, when I say things that
I've been through she's like, I would have never thought
that that was you. And she's like, oh, I went
through that too, and I can't believe we're the same.
And we've had that in common even though we're such
different people. And I think being more open about things
like that, especially in our community, because especially I don't know,
you know, wherever you whichever community are, and I'm sure
it's quite similar, but painting rosy pictures about family relationships,
(32:02):
about partner relationships, about all these things, it's so easy
to paint in a rosy picture, and it helps no
one because then everyone thinks they're the odd one now
when they're going through the same thing that you are.
So that I found really useful recently after being around
my friends and family here.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
I mean, that's one of the reasons why, you know,
if anyone ever watched the history of our conversations we've
had online, yeah, them, we'll focus on challenges we've had.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Yeah, probably, And.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
That's where I've felt sharing is really helpful. Is my
intention is to show that we're all in the same boat.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Yeah, No one's example.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
We're all on the same page.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
No matter how enlightened or perfect or illuminated you feel.
Someone is we're all in the same boat and we're
all struggling. And that is when I think sharing is
really important, and that's what I choose to share. I
choose to share my challenges. I choose to share things
that I'm stressed about.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
Or you're like that even with your friends, not even
just this is even in a public forum. I hear
you speak to your friends about the real I'm like,
oh wow, I didn't think it was going to talk
about that, or didn't think you would share that with
that person, but you really do to help them also
open up back to.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
You, and also just because I also want them to
know that that's the real expression that everyone has.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And it's you being honest with yourself in that moment too,
isn't it. I think we can get so covered up
by the fake realities we create in our own mind
of trying to be okay in front of other people
that share that, you end up sharing this false version
of yourself and then you come away from that conversation
and even though you think you've been vulnerable, you've actually
been false vulnerable because that's not actually how you feel.
(33:32):
You haven't actually shared anything exactly, and so you haven't
actually built a connection to anyone. I always think that's
why I find difficult when you know, people catch pictures
of celebrities fighting and they put up pictures of it
or whatever. It's like, have we not all had a
moment where we've slammed the door? Have we all had
a moment where we've walked out of a restaurant because
we've had an argument, we were a little bit upset.
And so I think that I always feel so sad
(33:55):
for people when I see stuff like that, because I'm like,
I've had those moments or showing up, I've slammed the
door in the car and I've left before, and.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Or you don't have a clue what was happening anyway.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Someone's resting face is just not smiley.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
And so someone.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Whenever I'm on my phone and you're like are you okay,
and I'm like writing a message and it's literally me
just on Aesos ordering some clothes and I'm literally just concentrating.
But if someone saw me doing that in public, fine with.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Somebody, yeah exactly.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
And that's I think that's what it is, is that
you can't make big assessments and judgments with small information
and it would just make your life more peaceful and easier.
I think the takeaway I want people to have is
that whether you have a life that is online or
whether it's your offline life, it's almost like the same
principles apply. Who do you want to share this with,
(34:47):
what are you trying to share, and most importantly, why
are you sharing it? What's your intention? And if your
intention is to make others feel less alone, if your
intention is to share something so that you've loved in case.
Speaker 3 (35:00):
Help people through what they're going frock and.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Help yourself, these are all beautiful things. And no one
can tell you whether you're oversharing or overexposed. Only you
get to decide that even if everyone goes, oh, you're oversharing,
you wanted to share it, as long as your intentions
in the right place. And don't ever feel pressured into
thinking that you have to be vulnerable to be authentic,
(35:24):
because it's authentic to be vulnerable when you want to
not it's not authentic to just be vulnerable anytime, any
place with everyone.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Yeah, and I think i'd also add that sharing is
similar with your words, is similar to sharing emotion in
the sense that you're not supposed to hold everything inside,
and it's not supposed to all live in your head either,
And so I think part of experiencing life, and part
of experiencing emotions, and part of experiencing pain and happiness,
a big part of it is the sharing aspect of it.
(35:55):
There is a notion of you experience something and then
you share it. You learn something and then you share it,
And so we're not supposed to just keep everything inside
of us. There is supposed to be this action of
receiving whatever the whatever it is, pain, knowledge, information, and
then giving it out to other people. And I think
we're built to be in communities and sharing is a
(36:17):
big part of that, and being honest with yourself a
big part of that is also sharing. And I think
that's something really important to remember that we have to
learn to take what's in our mind and be able
to say it out loud to really sometimes get the
depth or the weight of what is inside of us.
But yeah, keep sharing, people, keep sharing.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
Thanks so much for listening and watching everyone.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
I hope you share your comments, your ideas, your thoughts
in the comment section, and of course share this episode
with anyone else that.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
You think is Can you know what overshare It overshare
this episode. Yeah, okay, by hey everyone.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
If you love that conversation, go and check out my
episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she
answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
want to miss this conversation.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard
to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
Speaker 3 (37:24):
It's so lovely.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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