Tia Mowry: You’re Unhappy and You Don’t Know it - Learn to Leave the Comfort of Being Unhappy - A Really Good Cry

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
It was like I had died.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Oh my god, I got so so so so where
it was almost like there was no more blood inside
of me.

Speaker 1 (00:11):
I really really felt empty.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
To your marry.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
After some producer during in Sister Sister the game Instant.

Speaker 2 (00:20):
Mind, she has twenty eight million followers on social platforms.
My mother she had told my sister and I she
was like, none of this is going to last. The
lemos are going to stop one day. And we looked
at her at first, and we're.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
Like, why are you hating?

Speaker 2 (00:34):
I no longer want to live life feeling like this.
I deserve to chase the joy and to you know,
of course, when you say live happy, I mean life
is like this up and down.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
But that's why I'm.

Speaker 2 (00:50):
Saying I actually got to the point of no return.

Speaker 3 (00:57):
I'm Radi de Lucia, and this is a really good
cry pot where we talk about the crappy stuff, the
great stuff, and everything in between that can be difficult
to process alone. Together, my first guest on a really
good cry represents so much of what I wanted this
podcast to be. We laugh, we shed tears, and we
dove deep into some real uncomfortable We chested about everything

(01:20):
from how to let go and mourn your past self
and learning to be okay with change practical ways she
got through the lowest moments in her life and found
joy again and an insight into the reality of being
in the public eye for over twenty years. Tia Maury
is a dear friend, a phenomenally talented actress, producer, and author,
and she brings a smile to my face every time

(01:41):
I see her dance moves on Instagram. I've also been
using her new haircare brand called for You and let
me tell you, my curls have never looked better. And
if you grew up in the nineties watching sister sister
like me, then she was for sure a key part
of your childhood. She is definitely an icon you do
want to meet in real life. First of all, I
just need to say, Okay, you have no idea how

(02:03):
weird it is for me to have you on my sofa,
because I grew up watching you, obviously. And the best
part was when I met you in person. I think
it was a couple of years ago. You I already
loved you, but then I met you in person and
I was like, how is it possible to love you
even more?

Speaker 4 (02:18):
Than meeting you in person.

Speaker 1 (02:20):
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (02:21):
So I just want to say that it was so
wonderful to have admired someone for such a long time
and then to meet them and be like, Wow, she's
even better. Not that you weren't amazing, but even better
than I ever thought you would be. And everything that
you do online now, by the way, the way that
you come across the things that you do online, I
feel your personality, your energy, and your vibrance through it.

(02:42):
But even more than that, I feel the desire you
have to help uplift other people. Thank you, And so
I just want to say thank you, and I'm so
grateful to you for being here, and I'm so grateful
for everything that you have given me without you even
realizing you've done so. But I also want to ask
you where do you get?

Speaker 4 (03:00):
Like what are you drinking? Because where are you.

Speaker 3 (03:03):
Getting your energy is unlimited. I need to know what
are you doing for this to happen in your life?

Speaker 4 (03:10):
You know.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
I just I'm very intentional and I just really really
take care of myself. And it wasn't always like that,
but I feel like after having children, I had to
really learn how to choose me, meaning in regards to

(03:32):
like self love and not looking at taking care of
myself as selfish. Yeah, I think we, especially as women,
we tend to of course put all of our attention
and energy on nurturing others. That it was very easy
for me to forget about myself so I can be

(03:54):
fully transparent. I ended up also just really getting very
ill and sick because I was constantly giving, giving, giving.

Speaker 4 (04:03):
Giving, and not replenishing.

Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yes, So I was like, okay, I had to hit
rock bottom or crash when it came to my health
to wake up. And so I make sure that I,
you know, sleep, I meditate, I journal, and I'm still

(04:25):
learning to try to focus on things that give me
joy and that just makes me happy and feel good.
And I am into wellness and just eating well. And
I'm not saying that this happens all the time, you
know what I mean, It's just it doesn't. But I

(04:45):
am intentional with it. And I feel like by me
working on myself and you know, replenishing myself in this manner,
I'm able to give more and.

Speaker 1 (04:58):
You know, jump around videos and you know, have fun.

Speaker 4 (05:03):
And what do you you said?

Speaker 3 (05:04):
Intentional like on those bad days, like the days that
we all have. I feel not like your normal self.
You feel like things are weighing you down. How do
you go from being in a in a mood which
doesn't serve you. What are your practices and rituals that
you've learned over time that get you from being in
that bad mood to then uplifting yourself back into a

(05:27):
space that you want to be.

Speaker 2 (05:28):
I have an incredible friend named Vex King Yes, and
one thing that I have been doing more often or
just now is with his journal by Vex and his
his wife.

Speaker 1 (05:43):
There's a list of things that give you joy.

Speaker 2 (05:48):
Right, It's a toolbox, that's basically what what he calls it.
And he's like, you can even make this toolbox full
of objects, or you can just write down the list.
You could have like a toolbox and you put all
of these objects in and whenever you're having a chaotic day,
you just open up this toolbox. That's a good idea,
It's an incredible idea, because when you're in that mind

(06:10):
space sometimes you just don't feel you do. So to
already have something prepped and planned is awesome. But I
do stuff like affirmations are really really important to me,
and I've.

Speaker 4 (06:24):
Been doing that you say, in particular, let's.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
See today, what I have been focusing on and meditating on,
and it's very short, is just be present. I feel
like it's very easy for me and people to move
through life with an autopilot on autopilot, or for me,
especially where I am in my life right now, focusing

(06:48):
on the past and then also kind of being obsessed
with the future because where I am right now in
certain areas in my life, there's a huge unknown, and
so that brings a lot of chaotic energy and anxiety.
So by me just kind of saying, you know what, stot,
just focus on being present. I can feel I'm safe,

(07:11):
I can feel that I'm loved, I can feel that
I am okay, And it just makes me feel better.
So affirmations also reading, like I feel like when I
read like a great book. I'm currently reading a book
right now called When Things Fall Apart, And when I

(07:33):
am in sort of some like chaos with my mind
and my anxiety, when I kind of shift that focus
and kind of like focus it on kind of like
a self help book in some kind of way, it
just kind of grounds me.

Speaker 1 (07:48):
And brings me back to and it makes me you know,
feel good.

Speaker 3 (07:52):
And then my kids, yeah, just like.

Speaker 4 (07:59):
They really are. All I want to do is cut
on my niece to the nest.

Speaker 3 (08:02):
If I have a bad day, all I need is
for them to just look at me and to give
me this like warm, fuzzy hug and I'm like, you
know what, I'm.

Speaker 4 (08:09):
Fine, Yeah, I'm great, and it's true.

Speaker 3 (08:12):
But I love what you said about the unknown of
because I do find whenever I think about me, like
my mind we were talking about this. We have our
minds travel a lot. They are constantly on the move
and sometimes more than we'd like them to be. And
for me, what I realized in my life is the
unknown is where fear lies. Like we always are, like,

(08:32):
that's why we're scared of the dog, That's why we're
scared of, you know, opening a door that we don't
know is what's behind it, And so in life that's
the same. When you end up on a path that
was unexpected and you don't know what the end goal
is or what the end of the road looks like, that's.

Speaker 4 (08:46):
Scary to us.

Speaker 3 (08:47):
But I found so much like solace in the concept
of through fear, Like if fear is if the unknown
is what we're fearing.

Speaker 4 (08:55):
Knowledge is what we need to get out of that fear.

Speaker 3 (08:59):
And so I think one of my teachers, rather Thanasami,
he always says is he says that to cut through
the darkness of fear with the sword of knowledge. And
so what I interpreted that to be is whenever, like
whenever I'm scared of even doing something, it's usually i'd
be scared of exams or whatever it was. The more
you prepare for something, the more you end up knowing

(09:19):
about something, the easier it ends up feeling, and the
more comfortable you get, because you're only comfortable with something
that feels welcoming and known to you. And sometimes that's
impossible because you don't know something where a path is going.
I know, you know, But the knowing that you can
do is understanding yourself because you are with because I
think even if you don't know where the path is going,

(09:40):
but you know yourself on that path, that brings some
sort of solace and comfort. And I think that's the
work that you're doing, because you're spending time on yourself
to figure out who you are. And I remember, oh gosh,
something you said where about your children, saying that for
me to live in my truth. That was that's the
best for my children to see by the way you

(10:03):
said that, you saying that, No.

Speaker 2 (10:06):
I feel like it really is because as a mom,
I feel like the best teachings that I could give
them is through example.

Speaker 4 (10:16):
Yeah, definitely so.

Speaker 2 (10:19):
And you know, kids they learn through observation. I could
sit here and all I want, But when they actually
see Mommy, you know, moving and you know, being an example,
or living an authentic life or just kind of like
moving through her fears and or even you know, her
desires and working hard and all of that, when they

(10:42):
actually see me doing that, then I feel like, you know,
they are able to learn. Speaking of learning, because you know,
I have anxiety and I am trying to find practices
and tools on how.

Speaker 1 (10:59):
To deal with that.

Speaker 2 (11:00):
So with you know, not necessarily knowing where I'm going
with certain things in my life, it is brought on
tons of anxiety. But in this book that I'm reading,
When Things Fall Apart, there was a quote or you know,
dialogue where she had said, look at people who are
experiencing fear or you being afraid of something, consider that

(11:24):
being like you are lucky actually, And I was like,
it was so like mind blowing to me, like wow,
like how is that so? And basically what she was
saying is when you are moving through something that you
are afraid of, it's actually showing courage. Like when you
are looking at fear straight in the eyes and straight

(11:45):
in the face, it's actually showing that you are courage
and that you are brave. Some people think that when
people do things that they're afraid of, it means that
they they or when they do things of the unknown,
that they don't have fear, you.

Speaker 3 (11:59):
Know, Yeah, But actually it's the strength and the endurance
that it takes to work through it.

Speaker 4 (12:05):
Yes, that's so true.

Speaker 3 (12:07):
I think you know, you don't learn anything through avoiding,
Like you never learn if you keep taking it. Sec
when you're trying to get to a certain place but
you're you don't want to take this one route, but
you keep trying to take all these roads, they don't
actually get you to the place you need to be.
And I think going it's always like you either have
to go through it or you're gonna end up. I mean,
you won't figure anything out otherwise, you really won't. And

(12:29):
I think I've noticed that in my life too. I've
tried to avoid a lot I've been like no, not
going to go that way, but then I've ended up
lost because actually I needed to go through that fee.
I need to go through what I was going through
to actually get to the place where I can start
new or I can't start fresh. And you know when
you're I love what you said about you know, navigating

(12:51):
and going through the different routes that like unexpectedly. But
what have you found has been well, a difficult time
in your life if you don't have to say what
it was, but how did you go from you mentioned
your lowest part or your lowest part of your health.
What were the steps that you took? Actually, I want
to rephrase that, how did you notice you were in

(13:11):
a place of unhappiness? Because I think you know what,
for a lot of people you can go through, but
you can go through your whole life being unhappy and
not realizing it because it's your comfort zone. And that's
what I've realized. I've gone through a lot of my life,
like years where that's deep. I was sitting in my discomfort,
but it was I was sitting in unhappiness, but it
was comfortable to me. It was a comforting place because

(13:33):
I'd been there for a while, and so going into
joy or happiness was uncomfortable because it required change. Yeah,
and so sometimes it's easiest thing in the crad and
being comfortable than being happy and being uncomfortable. So how

(13:53):
did you manage to through all the different hats and things? YEA,
remain authentic to yourself, keep coming back to who you were.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
When I felt that there was extreme unhappiness was when
I got or how I got to my lowest was
when I I, if I'm being very very honest, It's
like I couldn't even move anymore.

Speaker 4 (14:19):
Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (14:20):
Like I almost felt like everything inside of me no
longer had any energy.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
It was like I had died. My god, I'm about
to cry.

Speaker 4 (14:31):
It's like I got so so, so so low.

Speaker 2 (14:35):
Where it was almost like there was no more blood
inside of me.

Speaker 4 (14:39):
Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 (14:40):
Like I really really felt empty.

Speaker 2 (14:44):
And then I speaking analogies, and I think for me,
when I knew that there was some sort of level
of unhappiness.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
Is when the cup was completely empty. Yeah, do you
know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (14:55):
Like we do go through life where there is water
in the cup, and then you know you're giving the water,
you're giving the water, but then that water is being replenished.
That water is being replenished, you know, whether that's from
other people or whether that's you replenishing yourself. But I
wasn't doing any of that. I wasn't replenishing myself, and things.

Speaker 4 (15:16):
Were just it was constant.

Speaker 2 (15:18):
It was like I was in this constant space of
everything was being taken, you know what I mean, Like
and then you're so empty that you no longer have
anything left that you just couldn't move, like there was
just nothing left to give.

Speaker 3 (15:34):
Every part of you as way physically, mentally.

Speaker 2 (15:38):
Everything was just like done, and I had to choose.
I literally it was like I was at the crossroads
and it was like, either you choose to stay down.

Speaker 1 (15:52):
Or you choose to take the uncomfortable route.

Speaker 3 (15:56):
Yeah, that's so brave to do that, to take the
uncomfortable route. It can take lifetime, oh yeah, to get
us to take that one step. And it's just that
one step that it takes. But that one step feels
so big, it feels so big and so unreachable, yes,

(16:17):
so far away. And then I realized, I said, you
know what, life is short?

Speaker 2 (16:23):
Yeah, and we all go yeah, and I no longer
want to live life feeling like this. I deserve to
not feel like that and to feel replenished and to
chase the joy and to you know, of course, when

(16:46):
you say live happy, I mean life is like this
up and down. But that's why I'm saying, I actually
got to the point of no return.

Speaker 4 (16:55):
So that's yeah, thank you for sharing.

Speaker 3 (16:58):
And so I feel I mean, I get so many
messages from people telling me they feel like they're at
their lowest point. And that's why I love having these
conversations because I think we all need to hear from
people who have had their lows and then to see
someone like you who has who has been able to
pull yourself out of that. So when you when you
realize you were like, okay, cool, I need to make

(17:20):
some changes and I need to do this. Do you
have any tools or tips for people to what was
it after taking that step or to make that step?

Speaker 4 (17:30):
What did it take?

Speaker 3 (17:31):
Like, what were the were their practices? Were their people
you spoke to? What was it that you ended up
being able.

Speaker 1 (17:36):
To do therapy?

Speaker 4 (17:37):
Therapy? No, Yeah, that's great. I think there is such
a taboo the coulgure my culture in my culture.

Speaker 3 (17:44):
Yes, so I And I'm so happy you shared that. Yes,
I think it's so important.

Speaker 4 (17:48):
It is.

Speaker 2 (17:49):
And you know, I actually studied growth in child development
and psychology in college. And I love my mother to death, mother,
I love you. Yes, But when she found out that
I was studying it.

Speaker 1 (18:00):
It was like, what hell, dare you? What are you
talking about?

Speaker 4 (18:06):
When we tell my mom, we think about why didn't
you do that? Do you think is wrong with me?

Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (18:11):
Yeah, yeah, So I said, you know what, and it
was actually, I will say this too. The therapy was
because it's very taboo and not necessarily encouraged and influenced,
influenced in my culture. So I have a really really
good friend O. T. Fagminley, and he is all about
like self awareness and you know, learning about your traumas

(18:35):
and just going to therapy. And I've known him since
two thousand and eight, and you know, I had shared
some you know, things that I was going through and
he was like, Tia, I really really would suggest therapy,
and I was like whatever, yeah, And then twenty twelve,
Tia therapy. I'm like like, what are you talking about?
Twenty and sixteen or whatever. It kept on going going

(18:56):
going and he's like, look, if you take the time
to scare viual hair appointments, workouts, you because I would
say I'm too busy and blah lah lah lah, and
he was like, no, you need to really like take
the time and prioritize this. And it wasn't until my
grandmother had passed away five years ago and I had

(19:19):
never been to a funeral. Yeah, so this was like
the first time I'm experiencing a transition and I was like, whoa,
we all, we all will be there one day, Tia.
You need to just really get your you know, act
together and you know, get on this path of wellness
and healing. And that was when I was like, Okay,

(19:42):
you know what, I really really need to get into therapy.
So I've been in therapy for about five years now.
And what was what's so crazy? I thank my grandmother
because in her death, I feel like there's been some
sort of reworth with me. And that's basically, you know,
I credit my growth and kind of really having some

(20:03):
sort of support with that first step. I credit it
to my therapist wonderful. She's wonderful, she's very very smart,
and that has been very beneficial.

Speaker 1 (20:18):
And then meditation.

Speaker 4 (20:20):
What kind of meditation do you do?

Speaker 2 (20:22):
By the way, so you know I have been doing
as of late Joe Dispensa.

Speaker 1 (20:28):
Crazy, which is incredible.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
Yeah, which is an interesting approach and in a different
approach to yes. So, and I am not no expert, please,
I just started doing this. But basically with Joe's dispensa,
it's he's trying to encourage or influence your thought process
and not trying to live in the past and move

(20:52):
through your past experiences which can be extremely stifling to you,
and be more present and and move more in the
present moment, and also not focusing too much on the future,
but working on your conscious And as you are in
your meditation, you go into different brain waves and as

(21:16):
you go into one brain wave, I don't know the
specific brain wave it is, whether it's I don't know,
so please excuse me. But I can literally film myself
move to another move.

Speaker 4 (21:28):
Is it silent meditation?

Speaker 1 (21:30):
No, it's guided. So he guides you and he'll tell you.

Speaker 2 (21:34):
Once you're in this conscious you know, I guess mind
you start implanting your thoughts and your ideas there instead
of you He's trying to get you to move away
from your past experiences, and so you tell yourself what
you no longer want to be, and then you move
into telling yourself what you want to be, what you

(21:59):
see yourself at, or how you see yourself as in
the future, or what you would like.

Speaker 1 (22:03):
To see yourself as.

Speaker 2 (22:05):
And I can share with you guys, what I tend
to do is I say that I want to create
more boundaries for myself because I have a hard time
saying no, and so I will do this in my meditation.
And it's crazy. It works, Like really, yes, it's crazy
how all of.

Speaker 1 (22:19):
A sudden you'll just find yourself like.

Speaker 3 (22:21):
No, I'm like no before they even open them up.

Speaker 4 (22:26):
No, no, and no, and you're like this is a
great day.

Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yeah, and I'm like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 4 (22:31):
It works.

Speaker 2 (22:32):
So anyway, So that's the meditation that I that I've
been doing.

Speaker 3 (22:34):
Yeah. I think it's so difficult to let go of
your past sometimes because I do think even if it's painful,
and even if it's difficult, it's a part. It becomes
like your past is a part of you, and so
it's so hard. It's almost like cutting ties of versions
of yourself of you know. I remember someone saying to me.

Speaker 4 (22:55):
No.

Speaker 3 (22:56):
I think I said it to them when we were
talking about their relationship and even they had broken up
with someone, and then I said, you have to mourn
the person. You were like, it's not even about that person.
It's not even about him. It's about you because you
have become a whole new version of yourself, and that
version of yourself doesn't include this human and so I
was like, it doesn't even have to be about him.

Speaker 4 (23:16):
What you're also.

Speaker 3 (23:17):
Mourning is the version of yourself that you are letting
go of. And I mean, I think that's true. I
mean when I think about it for myself, I think
that's true as I'm moving through life changing as a
human with like regardless of other people, because I hold
on to versions of myself that people think I was
or that I was back then. And I'm like, you know,

(23:37):
with the boundaries thing, it really upset me because I've
been trying to do the same thing. But sometimes one
of my friends messaged me about something and I set
a boundary, and I remember the next time I saw her,
she was.

Speaker 4 (23:48):
Like, oh, wow, like you've really changed.

Speaker 3 (23:50):
So much, And it kind of ends up people end
up taking it as oh, you're not as sweet anymore,
or you're not as you're not as nice anymore, you're
not as welcoming anymore.

Speaker 4 (23:59):
But it's not that, And so it takes a while
to cut that tie of your old self that was
people please, that's me.

Speaker 3 (24:06):
Yes, that was always doing things to bend over backwards
for other people, but then compromising what you want and
sacrificing what you want and to other people. That's amazing
because she's always available, she's always ready to help, she's
easy going.

Speaker 4 (24:20):
Oh I'm going to change plans last minute, she won't care.

Speaker 3 (24:23):
But then when you start stating bad like oh, you've
become a bit firm now, like you're you've become a
bit harsh now and.

Speaker 2 (24:28):
So unlikable or yeah, and then lovable or.

Speaker 4 (24:32):
I don't know, And it's hard.

Speaker 3 (24:34):
It's hard letting go of that version of yourself because
you do want people to like you, and you want
to be felt. You want to be that person that, oh,
everybody gets along with. And so yeah, I think it's
it's hard letting go of the past people and yourself
because it's letting go of parts of you that is
so true.

Speaker 2 (24:52):
Even as I've you know, been on this journey of change.
And I love butterflies and actually even here, yeah yeah,
But what I love about butterflies is and I actually
have a tattoo.

Speaker 4 (25:05):
Here, is that.

Speaker 2 (25:09):
As they are, you know, caterpillars or whatever, and then
they get into their little cocoon, they have to push
themselves and break themselves out in order for them to fly.
And they get their strength from you know, pushing and
doing that and going through the discomfort and all of that.

(25:30):
But anyway, I say that to say I feel like
I am a butterfly right now, meaning I am evolving
and I am growing, and I as I'm growing and
evolving and turning into this person that I am enjoying
and desiring to be, I've actually been fearful of, like

(25:50):
even with my career, I'm like, am I gonna like
doing what I've always wanted to do? Because I'm just
I just have a different perspect to fun things now.
And I say that to say that I am not
the same person that I was even a year ago,
as I've really like started learning more about myself. One
of my friends, Joel, he's a poet. He's from New York,

(26:12):
and he he had asked me a question and he said,
who are you?

Speaker 1 (26:18):
If you are not?

Speaker 2 (26:19):
Who am Who are you? If you are not a mother?
Who are you if you are not an actress?

Speaker 4 (26:26):
Who are you?

Speaker 1 (26:27):
If you are not these roles that you.

Speaker 4 (26:29):
Have beens that you're putting on.

Speaker 2 (26:32):
And I remember when he first asked me, I started
crying because I had no idea.

Speaker 1 (26:37):
Yes, I had no idea.

Speaker 2 (26:41):
So that's the journey that I am on now. I'm
discovering and finding out who I am. What is it
that I like I'm working on no longer being that
people you know, pleaser, And I feel like that is
how I got to my lowest. I became such a
people pleaser that I lost sight of me. And I'm
learning also in therapy that my whole life has been

(27:04):
about pleasing people. Like as a child, it was all
about appealing and being criticized, you know, healthy constructive criticism,
but still it's criticism. Stand here, do that be more?
More funny?

Speaker 1 (27:21):
Do this?

Speaker 2 (27:21):
You know?

Speaker 1 (27:21):
And you know I had to make people laugh.

Speaker 2 (27:26):
Yeah, So that was the space that I was living
in that was comfortable for me for so many years,
and then once it was just so I was so depleted.
I was like, I can't do this anymore. So, but
it's hard, it's not easy.

Speaker 4 (27:41):
No, And I in that.

Speaker 3 (27:42):
Transition, Yeah, I feel I went through a similar thing
in terms of I would constantly focus on other people's lives,
whether it was attracting friends who needed help or wanting
to constantly help my family with things, or being the fixer,
being someone who was always solving problems. And I came
to this realization that all of that was actually to

(28:04):
avoid one me doing the work to figure out who
I am too, which was difficult, and two to feel
like I have value.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
I feel like a lot of women.

Speaker 2 (28:15):
Yeah, I mean I don't know if a lot of men,
you know, kind of.

Speaker 4 (28:19):
Think about this, think about it. Yeah, true, No, but
it's so too.

Speaker 3 (28:24):
It's like, I do find that if you constantly keep
focusing on And I used to think of myself as
just being like, oh, it's because I really want to
help people, and I do, of course, But actually, if
I thought about the deep route, reason, it was because
I was trying to figure out my value, and the
value I was placing on myself was through how other people.

Speaker 4 (28:41):
Valued it me.

Speaker 3 (28:43):
And so when I moved to New York, I went
through my caterpillar butterfly phase where I got to a
place where no one knew me.

Speaker 4 (28:51):
I couldn't.

Speaker 3 (28:51):
I didn't know anyone myself. I was by myself a lot,
like I was spending full days on my own. I
couldn't work, I couldn't distract myself, and I had to
sit with myself and be like, who the hell am I?
Because I can't be a dietician anymore? Do you tell
I don't have worry off anymore?

Speaker 1 (29:08):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (29:08):
And I have no external hats that I'm wearing, And
so I buried myself in cooking for you know, for Jay,
I was like following around trying to jump on his
bandwagon and trying to jump on his purpose. What I
realized was jumping on someone else's purpose. If you don't
have it yourself, your energy runs out because you don't
have the same fuel, the same desire that's that's burning

(29:30):
inside of you to do it. And so I was
running out of fuel. I was running out of energy,
and I was running out of any kind of motivation
or desire to even continue on every single day because
I hadn't figured out what I wanted. And so I
do think we think when as we're growing older, it's
like you think it's going to be a slow but upward,
you know movement. What I actually think it is is

(29:52):
you are on track, you completely fall off by you
get back on track, you find your way back on track.
Through that getting back on track, you learn some lessons,
you stay on track for a little bit longer, you
then fall back off.

Speaker 2 (30:02):
Try Oh my gosh, that's exactly what this book said,
when things fall apart, and have that expectation that that's
what it's going to be, right exactly, because I feel
like with me and how I've been taught and I
just learned is kind of like you do do do
do doo to try to get to this goal right.

Speaker 1 (30:26):
And this goal.

Speaker 2 (30:28):
Is, let's just say, figuratively speaking, like heaven. No matter
what that goal is, whether it's a house or a
relationship or work, it's that feeling of you know that
once you get.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
There, then you're never going to be miserable again. But
that's not true.

Speaker 2 (30:44):
And in this book that I'm reading, when things fall apart,
she was basically saying, the author was saying, no, life
is actually things fall apart, then you get back on
track again. Things fall apart, then you get back on
track again. It's amazing things fall apart, then you get
back on track again. And when you have that perspect
of life, you will embrace, you know, the falling, and

(31:06):
you won't look at the falling as judgment.

Speaker 3 (31:11):
And you'll also start if you're expecting it, you start creating.

Speaker 4 (31:14):
What you said, like the toolbox, So.

Speaker 3 (31:16):
If you know it's gonna happen, you're gonna start creating
a life. And I've started to do this because I
know for me, when my spiritual practices fall off track,
my whole life feels like it's falling apart. I go
through my day, I'm not the same person. I'm not
as nice as.

Speaker 4 (31:31):
A human I am.

Speaker 3 (31:33):
And also I feel lost, like I feel really lost
when my practices are not right, and I've recently got
them back on track the beginning of this week, honestly,
and what it meane, but I had this whole thing
of if I'm not waking up at this time and
if I'm not doing it in this way, and I
end I'm not doing it, but instead I'm like, no,
even if I'm showing up and I'm doing it crap,

(31:54):
and even if I'm sitting on my phone half the time.
At least I'm showing up and committing to it. It doesn't
have to be all or nothing. And if I fall
off track, I don't have to guilt myself, Like I
don't have to make myself look guilty. I don't have
to tell myself that I'm a terrible person. What I
do is the next day I try to get And
I think it's this pressure we put on ourselves of
everything being so onward and upward, but actually it's exactly that,

(32:17):
Like it's okay to go off track, it's part of
the it's part of the plan. Have it as part
of the plan, and then throughout your life, like I
know for me now that it's my spiritual practice. So
if everything else falls apart around me, if I have
this anchor that is my spiritual practice in the morning,
all those other things don't feel as difficult. And I've

(32:38):
already I'm creating this almost armor around me to be
able to handle whatever else comes at me. And I
was thinking about this the other day, because you know,
we do everything we do for our body. We work
out right, and we know that that's going to protect
us in terms of health, and we also get energy
from that, like you work out, you get dopamine hits.
You get energy from that. You eat, you get energy

(32:59):
from that. What I realized was when you stop your
spiritual practice. And by the way, by that, I don't
mean religious practices.

Speaker 4 (33:06):
I mean a moment where you.

Speaker 3 (33:08):
Are connecting to yourself, the universe and if you want
to God. But having those moments where you are tuning
into yourself without that, you are missing a whole power source.

Speaker 4 (33:19):
You know, like you're shut down. You are shut down.

Speaker 3 (33:22):
There's a whole power source available to you that can
fuel you in a completely different way, and we're missing
out on that. And so actually a lot of mind
low energy. And I'll be waking up in the morning
and I'd be going to say it, but I feel
so tired. And I wasn't physically tired, and I wasn't
emotionally sad. I was spiritually depleted.

Speaker 1 (33:39):
Oh that is deep I was.

Speaker 3 (33:42):
I was so spiritually depleted. And it made me feel lost.
It made me feel very sad all the time. It
made me feel like, I you know what, it wasn't
even it was a whole lot of nothingness. Yes, it's nothing.
It's That's what I find scary. The feeling of nothingness,
when nothing feels like it's worth anything. Why am I
even doing this? Everything feels so blah and energy less.

(34:04):
But knowing that and then knowing what helps me and
keeping on going back to that, It's like that it's
a north light.

Speaker 4 (34:11):
You just keep going back to.

Speaker 2 (34:12):
What I call it, or say, it is like and
I've heard other people say this too, it's like you
coming back home, you know what I mean, like to yourself.
And like I said earlier, I feel like just women
in general, I feel like, you know, we are. I mean,
even with like television and cartoons and all of that,

(34:34):
you see women in their characters, it's like it's always
dedicated to you know, someone else and searching for that
instead of searching.

Speaker 1 (34:45):
You know within.

Speaker 2 (34:47):
But what I have learned even as a mother, because
I feel like, you know, becoming a mother, you're back
into that nurturing state. It's like the first thing that's
on your mind is are my kids happy? Are my
kids fed? My kid's clothe And you know, I grew
up with the understanding that if you had blood on
your hands in because of you working so hard, then

(35:10):
that means you're a great mom.

Speaker 3 (35:12):
Yeah, yes, same if you're doing all the work yourself,
you're getting tired doing it, you're exhausting yourself. But that's
a sign that you are a great mom.

Speaker 1 (35:19):
Mom.

Speaker 2 (35:20):
But what I've realized is you said your spiritual practices
that I am now. I literally have a do not
disturb sign on my door now, and I am unapologetic
about it. In the morning, I have my spiritual practices
and those are it's that those are my non negotiables.

Speaker 4 (35:38):
Manaving them.

Speaker 2 (35:39):
Yes, I will meditate, i will journal, and I will
do twenty minutes of reading, and that's me tapping into
me and my spirit. And I feel so much better
when I start my day like that, because nothing is perfect.
And then as you navigate through life and things happen,
I just feel, you know, more connected to you know,

(36:02):
get through the day. But I completely understand you know
what you're saying. And when I don't do that, I
do feel like I'm off.

Speaker 3 (36:15):
I love the coming back home because that makes sense
because when I'm thinking, when I'm away from it, I
feel lost, and I do feel I feel like I'm
in the dark, and coming back home to yourself, it's
such a beautiful way of putting.

Speaker 4 (36:26):
Putting it.

Speaker 3 (36:27):
I love that you do not disturb side because and
I love that you are seeing I think our generation
is now seeing how our practices. Like my sister recently
has told me that she, you know, she's been doing
the same thing. She has two children, she is she homeschools.
She wow, I know, it's a whole different thing. She homeschools,

(36:47):
and everything was getting them fed, making sure they are okay,
making sure they've studied, and she was getting so ill,
so depleted.

Speaker 4 (36:55):
And but now she's like.

Speaker 3 (36:57):
I know, my if I don't have my health, how
am I going to look after my children? If I
am not good, I am snapping at them, I am
getting angry at I'm just I am not the best
version of who I want to be. And when you
talked about being an example for your children, I think this,
like what you're doing right now is the most beautiful example.

(37:19):
And I saw my mom, like I know my mom
when I was growing up, she would say do this.
My mom had great spiritual practices growing up, but she
would always be telling me to do them, and I'd
be like, well, I don't want to do this. This
is not what I want to do. I don't want
to be in this. I don't want to wake up
and light this candle. I have no idea why I'm
doing it. And then my mom stopped telling and I
started watching her. And I saw her every day wake

(37:39):
up at the same time. I saw her every day
sit down for two hours to do her prayers. I
saw her every day she know, she prays before she eats.
She does all these things. And I have learned more
in the few years of that I've chosen to observe
her than I did from the years of her telling me.
And the same with my dad's character, like he never

(38:00):
badly about someone as I was growing up, and he
was always so gentle and live with integrity.

Speaker 4 (38:04):
Now I learn more about.

Speaker 3 (38:05):
Integrity and criticizing others and gossiping from watching him, not
even him telling me, from watching how he was in
horrible situations with people and he said not one bad
thing about them. That's what I learned through watching him
do that. And so I think there is such a
beauty in observation and allowing and let me lead by example,

(38:28):
because if I'm telling you to do it, it's like
me saying to you, look, you really shouldn't being sugar.
And then tomorrow. You're like, you see me, I mean.

Speaker 4 (38:35):
You don't wait, Yeah.

Speaker 2 (38:38):
There's a disconnect exactly when they you know, see like
I said, observing and see you actually doing it. I've
been interesting that you say, you know, the dynamic that
you had between you and your mom when you were younger.
Meditation has helped and changed my life so much that
I'm now encouraging my son to Yeah, my son, he's
twelve years old.

Speaker 1 (38:57):
And I'm like, Creed, do you want to meditate with me?

Speaker 2 (39:00):
He's like no, I'm like, come on, Kree, like, let's
just do it. But what I've noticed, even just last night,
and he has been you know, it's like he's kind
of inquiring, like he was like before I go to bed.
I've been now trying to meditate more before I go
to bed, because I always meditate in the morning, but
now I'm trying to add the practice before I go
to bed.

Speaker 4 (39:19):
And he's like, Mom, are you a built to meditate?

Speaker 1 (39:22):
And I'm like, yeah, I am. Do you want to
come with me? He's like no, no, I'm good. I'm good.

Speaker 2 (39:27):
And then the next day he'll be like, Mom, are
you going to bed now? And I'm like yeah, After
I tuck him in, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to
bed now, and.

Speaker 1 (39:33):
He's like, you built to meditate and I'm like, yeah, crazy.
So hopefully you know.

Speaker 3 (39:39):
As he as he sees your consistency, your commitment, the
changes that you make as a.

Speaker 2 (39:43):
Pill, he'll want to one day instead of me always
asking him, you know, to join.

Speaker 1 (39:47):
I'm like, I'll even hold your hand. He's like no, no, no,
but I did get him to do it once. But
we'll see.

Speaker 4 (39:53):
Yeah, and you're planting the seeds. That's the point.

Speaker 3 (39:55):
Like my mom planted so many seeds in me that
I didn't even know she was planting. She planted them
through a petition, through me watching her, and then slowly
as I got to what age was it after college
and university, that's when my spiritual curiosity started actually growing
into a plant. And then now it's flowering. And I

(40:17):
look back now and I think there's always like that
with parents. You never appreciate like it's just it's a part.
It's part of the children like parent relationship where very
rarely do you appreciate it in the time and in
this moment.

Speaker 1 (40:29):
Oh my gosh. Yeah, And I think that's.

Speaker 3 (40:31):
The karma of a parent where you just like you
have chosen to have a child and it comes with
all of this and as a child, it's it's our karma.
Where you get older and you're like, I wish I
had listened a little bit more.

Speaker 2 (40:41):
Yeah, it's interesting that you say that too, because people
they'll ask me this question, like how do you feel, like,
how did you survive childhood? You know, stardom and you
didn't go, you know, down the deep end. And my
answer is, you know, my parents because of yeah, them

(41:02):
and how you know they they nurtured us and and
my mother I when when we first meaning my sister
and I, when we were first on sister sister and
there was success and there was like limousines and all
this stuff. You know, people were like catering to us.
And my mother she had told my sister and I
she was like, none of this is going to last.

(41:23):
The limos are going to stop one day. And we
looked at her at first and we're like, why are
you hating?

Speaker 1 (41:30):
Why are you raining down on our parade?

Speaker 2 (41:32):
Like you know, but it was in all actuality. I
love the that she you know, said that, because she
she prepared us, you know what I mean because at
the end of the day that did happen. Yeah, you know,
the limos did stop coming. And then there was a
time where the show ended and my sister and I
we hadn't worked for a very you know, long period
of time, but in that moment, you know, when we

(41:54):
were on sister sister, my sister and I we were
like ill.

Speaker 1 (41:58):
But it's true, like.

Speaker 2 (42:01):
You may not appreciate it during that time, but as
you get older, I'm like, gosh, she built.

Speaker 4 (42:07):
That mindset for you.

Speaker 2 (42:08):
I thank God from my parents and then you know,
being strict in that way.

Speaker 4 (42:15):
And I love that you're at a point in your life.

Speaker 3 (42:17):
You mentioned this before where you started seeing everything beyond
the hats that you're wearing. And I think sometimes, like,
I know people who've got to that stage at eighty.
I know people who've got to that stage at twenty. Yes,
it happens in different parts of your life, but how
beautiful that has happened to you so early, because now
you start to value I think you know you actually

(42:38):
are born when you realize that, right, Like, I feel
like it's like you said, it's a whole new rebirth,
and so I think this, I feel like the essence
of this podcast that we're doing in this conversation is
to do with getting back on track and how people
can do that. But a beautiful way to even start.
If you are so lost in your life and you
feel like getting out of bed is difficult, and you

(43:00):
feel like figuring out what you want to do in
life is difficult, the first place to start is with
yourself and everything else, because when you get to and yes,
of course we need stability and finances and we're not
taking away any of that, but none of that will
end up even fueling you at all, Like all those
things are going to be temporary band aids until you

(43:22):
start fueling your own spirit and your own self. And
I think that for me has been the biggest lesson
because my life has changed so much since being like
living at home with my parents in London. I was
living a much like simpler and inverted Comma's life. And
I think about that by simple, I mean externally simple,
but I think about internally and I honestly feel like

(43:45):
and obviously this ebbs and flows, but my simplicity of
heart and what I actually truly desire has always stayed
the same. Okay, even if externally things have changed, Like, yes,
it's wonderful to have more luxuries in life, of course
it is, but has my desires for safety and security
and understanding myself and love, Like the basic needs have

(44:08):
always been the same. Everything else is just a cherry
on the top. Yeah. And so I think the more
I figured out what actually brings me joy versus what
brings me fleeting happiness has been this every time I've
fallen off track. It has been the start point of
then figuring everything else out. That's interesting, As you were,
you know, explaining, I also realized that I, for a

(44:34):
long time, I was looking for others to make me happy.

Speaker 4 (44:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (44:39):
And I realized that even I was looking for others
for refuge. Yes, solve my problem.

Speaker 3 (44:47):
You should be the person that will complete whatever it
is I'm voiding.

Speaker 1 (44:52):
Or you or looking to others.

Speaker 3 (44:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (44:56):
And what I've realized, how exactly like what you said, Like,
once I come home to myself, and once I change
and turn the fingers at me and say no, I
am responsible.

Speaker 4 (45:10):
I can self soothe, I can teach soothe.

Speaker 2 (45:13):
I am responsible, you know. For Yes, of course I'm
looking for support and need a community of support. Definitely
the person who's going to take that first step has
to be you.

Speaker 3 (45:25):
Yes, Well, like I think about this with my friends
that I used to help a lot, where it can't
be that you're doing the ten percent and I'm doing
the ninety percent. That's never gonna last. I can do
your community can do the ten percent, maybe even the
thirty percent, but the majority has to be done by
you for it to be a sustainable change and for

(45:45):
it to have effects, because if everybody else is And
I had this in my life growing up, my parents,
you know what it was. It was such a blessing,
but at the same time it was a little bit
of a curse. My parents and my sister and everyone
loved me so much. I was the youngest child, and
so everything was. If I was ruggling, everything was helped.
Everything was done for me. If I had to last
minute homework, they would help me with it, stay up late,

(46:06):
if I you know, every single thing was It was
almost like I got to the.

Speaker 4 (46:11):
Point of it was a little bit difficult and then
everything was solved for me.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
And as beautiful as that is and how greatful I
am family that loves me, it also disabled me to
believe that I could do anything myself. And so that
was really difficult because I got to New York and
I was like, I can't even pick a damn spoon
without putting that's I can't pick bed sheets without getting
approval from my mom.

Speaker 2 (46:35):
I was very sheltered, you know, and I like, I
just explained that sheltering saved me from going down a
wrong path. But I too, you know, feel the same
way so much to the point, and I know this,
y'all don't judge me, but I still to this day,
I have a hard time buttoning up my shirt, like
it'll just be all disheveled, disheveled because when I was

(47:00):
on Sister Sister, they dressed me for years, like literally,
what was your age that it was fourteen fifteen, all
the way up to twenty oh my god, and all
the way down to tying your shoes, putting on your tights,
all of that.

Speaker 1 (47:18):
So and that's just the tip of the iceberg, you
know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (47:22):
And then just imagine you're after that, standing in your
bedroom like after your shower, but naked, and you're like,
where's yeah.

Speaker 2 (47:30):
Yeah, And I have friends like I was in London
recently and I had left my bag at the hotel.
And then I was even traveling with you know, I
was traveling with some of my friends and they were like, Tia, like,
you can't. When I lost I left my bag, I
was traveling alone. But the second trip to London, I
was with other people and they're like, Tea, you just can't.

Speaker 1 (47:50):
You can't be alone, like.

Speaker 4 (47:51):
You think me too, Pace, No, it's because it is.

Speaker 1 (47:57):
You were Kay too.

Speaker 2 (47:59):
And so she was telling me that, you know what
I mean, she was like all your life, you know,
things were done for you in that sense, because you know,
on set, people are always asking you what do you want?

Speaker 1 (48:11):
What do you need?

Speaker 2 (48:11):
And then I also had parents when I got home,
they were just very sheltering. And so even now I'm
I think the hardest adjustment that I'm having with the
unknown is feeling alone and like.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
Being by myself.

Speaker 2 (48:26):
It's it's it's been challenging, and it's been hard because
I've I've always had a twin, you know what i mean,
Like she's you know, up north and she has her family,
and you know, I'm like, oh my gosh, you know,
and it's it's trying to learn how to navigate being
by myself and alone I feel like that's been the

(48:48):
biggest challenge for me, and I'm learning.

Speaker 3 (48:50):
Feeling and trying to learn how to feel joy from
it because a lot of joy came from everybody else. Yeah,
I'm I'm I struggle with that too. I'm always having
this desire to be back with my family, back at home,
like this constant torn feeling of having that. But I
noticed that for me it was a lack of self
confidence and not even in security, but lack of self

(49:14):
belief that was not that was stopping me from believing
I even could do.

Speaker 4 (49:19):
These things by myself.

Speaker 3 (49:20):
And so I was gonna ask you, actually because obviously
having been I feel like with celebrity culture, people will
looking and be like, what do you like? You must
have been so confident throughout your life because you had
all these people loving you and all these people externally
validating you. And from an outside perspective, I do think
a lot of people look into celebrity culture and think that, like,
what do you How could you be not confident? You

(49:42):
must be what has been your not even self love
journey we spoke about that, but your confidence journey throughout
being all the different versions of yourself that you've been like,
how have you built confidence in yourself?

Speaker 2 (49:55):
It's very interesting. I'm still on that journey of building
confidence within myself, but I will say I am extremely
confident when it comes to my career.

Speaker 4 (50:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
So, and I am that way, I think mainly because
of experience. So at such a young age, I've been
through a lot. I've been through tons of rejection and
I have this muscle where I can feel and see
and go, Okay, well you know what if that didn't happen,

(50:29):
it was meant to be, but I know something else
is going to happen.

Speaker 4 (50:32):
Income has that always been your mindset?

Speaker 2 (50:34):
No?

Speaker 1 (50:34):
Okay, not at all.

Speaker 2 (50:35):
I feel like when sister sister had ended, that was
the biggest break. Meaning I was like, like years had
gone by where there was no work and I was
trying to I was in college. I was trying to
figure out what is it that I want to do.
Do I want to move towards getting my masters in
psychology or do I want to continue to act? And

(50:57):
then my parents were pushing me towards more of the
get the masters.

Speaker 1 (51:01):
You know, they were like, we're done with this acting
to you, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (51:04):
Like the child actor great, but we don't know how
you know this is they wanted some sort of stability
for me, which I get. You know, I just had
to work through the rejection, the challenges and just really
believe in myself. I feel like the more you believe
in yourself and the more that you have confidence in yourself,

(51:25):
it exudes you know what I mean, and then people
will have confidence in you. So again, it starts with
yourself and coming home to yourself. But I will say this,
it's so easy for me to feel that way with
my career, but personally I am struggling. Like so many
people can tell me I'm beautiful or so many people
can tell me these things, but I have to be

(51:47):
able to look in the mirror myself and believe it.

Speaker 4 (51:49):
Nah.

Speaker 1 (51:50):
So I'm working on that was.

Speaker 3 (51:54):
So atune and I think about this all the time
because I'm trying to change the habit of looking at
myself in the mirror and saying negative things first. But
it's such a deep roote thing because you kind of
start doing that from a very scarily young age where
you start looking at yourself and you start seeing all
the things because you start comparing yourself to other people

(52:15):
from such a young age and negative self talk. I
always think, you know, whenever you're negative in one area
of your life, it's very difficult for it to.

Speaker 4 (52:23):
Just stay in that lane. It seeps through a lot
of other things.

Speaker 3 (52:26):
So yeah, I may just be looking at myself in
the mirror and saying negative things, but then that negativity
is seeping into how I then think other people are
perceiving me, and then how I perceive myself, and then
how are confident I am walking into a room with
other people, and then how confident I am talking to
somebody else, And so it seems like it's an isolated thing,

(52:47):
but actually it paus into every other part of our being.
And so I do think negative self talk, whether it's
to do with someone who's struggling to get back into
work or struggling to look at themselves not saying thing
like we have to change the language. And a practical
way that I started doing that was whether it was
negatives talk about other people in my mind or myself,

(53:10):
I would write down, like at the end of the
day or after I'd done it, and I'd be like,
why did I just think of that? Like why did
that even come to my mind? I would write it down,
and I'd write down what I said in my mind,
and then I'd write down what I wish I had
said and what I want to be saying. And it
was actually a really beautiful practice because for me, it
came from I started this practice when I was feeling
a lot of jealousy towards other people. And I noticed

(53:32):
that jealousy was coming because I hadn't figured out. I
kept thinking I wanted the thing that was making them happy,
but what I wanted was the feeling of happy.

Speaker 4 (53:41):
I didn't want the things I didn't want to be.

Speaker 3 (53:43):
I used to see my friends who were becoming yoga teachers,
and I was like, I want to be a yoga teacher, which,
by the way, I did teacher train. Language was great,
but it wasn't. But I did the yoga teacher train
and I was like.

Speaker 4 (53:52):
What I did not feel how they felt. That is
not what I would do.

Speaker 3 (53:59):
And so I realized, and I was chasing the happy
I wasn't chasing the thing that they had or the
action that they were doing. Yes, And so what I
noticed there was I was meeting people and I was
saying things out loud, but my words in my head
were matching the words coming out of my mouth, and
it felt icky, like it didn't did not feel good
to be that person. And my one of my teachers,

(54:21):
rather than Swami Away says that integrity is when your words,
your actions, and your thoughts.

Speaker 4 (54:26):
Are all aligned. Wow, and I love that.

Speaker 3 (54:29):
I love that so much, and so I was like,
I want it because when someone speaks and acts with integrity.

Speaker 4 (54:34):
You feel it to your core.

Speaker 3 (54:36):
Like when I meet someone who lives with integrity, their
words go straight to my heart, their actions feel comforting,
I feel at ease around them. But I know when
I felt someone saying something out of their mouth but
thinking something else, I.

Speaker 4 (54:49):
Felt that, and so I know other people were feeling it.

Speaker 3 (54:52):
So anyway, I started it not to do with talk
to myself, but it was to do with talk to
other people because I was trying to be more.

Speaker 4 (54:58):
I wanted to I wanted to be a genuine.

Speaker 3 (55:00):
In person, but I was finding it difficult to be,
and so I started writing those things that really helped.

Speaker 4 (55:04):
And then I changed that.

Speaker 3 (55:05):
When I recognized the narrative that was going on in
my head, I was like, why am I not confident?
And I kept thinking why am I so insecure and
why am I not? Like, why do I not believe
in anything I can do? And I was then registering
all these things I was saying to myself throughout the day,
and I was like, well, dark, because you've got you're saying, Oh,
this person saying I can do this. The constant narrative

(55:28):
in my head twenty four hours a day is telling
me you can't do this, You're not going to succeed,
You're not gonna be able to do this, you won't
look good in this. And so I recommend, first of all,
the first line practice will be observe your mind. Yeah,
what is it saying to you to other people? What

(55:49):
is actually happening in your mind? Because again, we find
comfort where in things that have happened for a long
period of time. So you may be not noticing it
because it's become your normal, but that normality does not
mean it is okay.

Speaker 2 (56:03):
Yeah wow, isn't it crazy the narratives that we do
have in our head. Like if I were to tell
you some of the things that are in my head,
I have said some of them out loud and then
to you know, my friends are like Tia, I was like, oh,
my gosh, I am going to die alone with cats.
And I don't even like cats. I mean, you know,
for the cat lovers. I'm not saying that.

Speaker 1 (56:23):
I just I just, you know, cats, I'm allergic.

Speaker 2 (56:26):
But it's like, Tia, You're not going to die alone, Like,
that's so not true. So the advice that was given
to me by Kosho, who's Vex King's wife. She told
me and I started doing this and I was like,
oh my gosh, it's fantastic is look at yourself in
the mirror and basically recite the things that you did
throughout the day that you were proud of.

Speaker 4 (56:46):
Yeah, that's so nice like that, And it could be.

Speaker 2 (56:50):
As simple as you know what, I'm just proud of
you that you drank eight glasses of water. Yes, and
you're putting those positive affirmations and thought back into you know,
your mind instead of focusing on the negative self talk.
I'm now looking at myself in the mirror and I'm
now saying, you know, positive things to me and things

(57:10):
that it's making me actually think about the things that
I have done that day that I am proud of.

Speaker 3 (57:16):
Exactly, except because normally we're thinking about I didn't get
this done.

Speaker 2 (57:19):
Yeah, exactly, all of the negative or the you know,
the things that you didn't do.

Speaker 1 (57:24):
So it's been very very healthful.

Speaker 4 (57:26):
Yeah, that's gonna I'm gonna do that. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Speaker 3 (57:31):
It was funny when you said that the dying line thing,
that's not gonna happen. So many amazing people. But you
did go on a solo trip recently.

Speaker 1 (57:39):
I did my first ever.

Speaker 4 (57:41):
How amazing? How was that for you?

Speaker 3 (57:44):
Because there are a lot of people who are single
in this world, well, like don't have a partner, don't
have people that are with them all the time. And
I've spoken to so many of my friends and like,
I feel so awkward going to a restaurant by myself,
and yeah, of course, like because our culture is not
there's a table for two.

Speaker 4 (58:02):
Yeah, and then.

Speaker 3 (58:03):
They have community tables, which I really appreciate in restaurants,
by the way. But what took you on that trip
and it made you decide I'm not gonna go with friends,
I'm not gonna go with family, I'm gonna do this
by myself.

Speaker 2 (58:12):
Okay, So again I go back to this journal that
I've been doing, and it is so fantastic. And in
this journal there's something called the life will and you
shade in like zero to ten how you feel that
you're doing, and there's like home, there's fun, there's work,

(58:33):
there's finances.

Speaker 1 (58:34):
And all that.

Speaker 2 (58:35):
And I realized that again, I have just been constantly giving, given,
giving to other people, and I haven't been having fun,
Like I just have not been like on that will,
I think fun was like it was a two and.

Speaker 4 (58:49):
You are such a fun person, so that must be
hard if it's a two.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
Right, And I yes, And I feel like also I was,
I like and careers on there. So it's like, you know,
I'm always giving into my career, which is fun and
nice and awesome. But I've realized I love to travel
and I love to explore, but I never allowed myself
to and I also just didn't give myself time to

(59:12):
And I was like, you know what, this is the
perfect time. Also, there's a strike going on, you know
in my industry. There was a writer strike during that
time as well, so I was like, things have completely
shut down. This is the perfect time for you to
just get out with no responsibilities and just enjoy yourself.
And look at that fear, you know, because I was

(59:33):
also afraid to you know, travel alone, and I was
always thinking about the worst case scenario, that's me.

Speaker 4 (59:40):
Everywhere on your phone and everywhere. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (59:43):
Yeah, So I said, you know what, Tia, just do it.
And so I took the leap of faith.

Speaker 2 (59:51):
And when I tell you, I now have the travel bug, like,
I'm all.

Speaker 4 (59:57):
Right, what places did you go to?

Speaker 2 (59:59):
So I went to Spain. I went to Minorca Majorca.
So those are two different islands in Spain. And then
I had a layover in London. So I said, why
not just, you know, stay a few days in London.
And I have friends in London, and I've had friends,
you know, for years, but I never was like, I'm
just gonna go to London, yeah, see them and to

(01:00:20):
just hang And when I say, I learned so much
about myself because I was just sitting with me.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
I was just sitting with myself and I had to
self soothe.

Speaker 4 (01:00:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
I think that was the hardest thing. That I didn't
have my children to run to when I was feeling lonely,
or when I was feeling down, or when you know,
some dark thoughts came into my head. I literally had
to sit there and self soothe. And I started to
see that I am capable, like I can do it,

(01:00:51):
and then not having some sort of schedule because it's
just you. Yes, I was like, yeah, use this right,
just getting up and leaving whenever I want to. You know.
One of my friends, she had invited me out at
a party at eleven o'clock at night, and I was like, well,
I'm in Pj's. She was like, no, Tier, you're coming.
I'm gonna have my car come and grab you. And

(01:01:12):
I went out to this party and I had the
best time. So yeah, I learned a lot about myself.
It was fantastic and I literally just told.

Speaker 1 (01:01:22):
My assistant this.

Speaker 2 (01:01:23):
The other day, I saw a plane in the air,
and for the first time ever, I was like, I'm jealous,
where are they going?

Speaker 4 (01:01:31):
Like you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (01:01:32):
Because I know I have.

Speaker 2 (01:01:34):
A different perspective now because usually it was just I
got on a plane to work, That's what it was.
And the furthest I had ever been without my family
was to Canada and that.

Speaker 1 (01:01:46):
Was to work.

Speaker 2 (01:01:47):
So I was like, Wow, where are they going? And
I'm so excited to you know, go again and explore.
Yeah you explore the well, yeah exactly.

Speaker 3 (01:01:59):
And a lot of people do choose travel when they're
feeling lost, and I do. I've had so many people
say that that when they travel, they find themselves. You
can either be you running away from yourself, or.

Speaker 1 (01:02:12):
It's running away from responsibilities.

Speaker 3 (01:02:14):
Or it's a beautiful journey of seeing new places but
then also seeing new places within yourself and understanding yourself better.

Speaker 4 (01:02:22):
That's so nice.

Speaker 1 (01:02:24):
Yeah, it was.

Speaker 2 (01:02:24):
It was all about learning and growing and self discovery.
And one of the first things that happened, and you
probably won't even notice this on my Instagram, you know,
but I lost my luggage. No way, My whole two
weeks of clothes was gone. No And guess what, I
still don't know where that that is. It is still

(01:02:47):
not returned. But I feel like that was the first
lesson that I learned on this journey was to let go.

Speaker 4 (01:02:55):
Oh my gosh. And it was a real practical way
of seeing it. It was.

Speaker 3 (01:02:59):
It was not it was not what's the word for it,
like you didn't see a symbol.

Speaker 2 (01:03:03):
It was And the first few days I cried because
I had no clothes and I was like and I
was on this small island, like this small island, I
was like, oh my gosh, Like this is crazy, you
know what I mean. And this has never happened to me,

(01:03:24):
why now I've been on so many trips, and so
I really took that as a lesson, you know that,
all right, Tia, you know, letting go, We gotta do that.
And and I felt the more I did that on
this trip and not being so structured, you know, to

(01:03:44):
a schedule and just kind of going with the flow,
I enjoyed myself.

Speaker 3 (01:03:50):
And letting go is so important because even when we
were talking about morning past versions of yourself, unless you
are able to let go of those ties, you're not
going to be able to become the version of yourself
that you're trying to be or that you're moving towards.
And I think, I, you know, we end up being
hoarders of our past so much like we were just
going to keep all of this inside of me, ya,

(01:04:12):
but we don't because it's yeah, save, but then there's
no space left. There's no space left for other people,
there's no space left to receive, there's no space left
to experience because it's all clogged up with these things
which no longer serve us. Yeah, but we're holding on
to just for comfort. And so I think that the
idea of letting go. And I think I always think

(01:04:32):
about this when it comes.

Speaker 4 (01:04:32):
To New Year.

Speaker 3 (01:04:33):
I love New Year because whenever New Year comes around,
I feel like it's it's a new way to reset,
It's a new opportunity. I always find any opportunity. Right, Oh, great,
it's a reset time. It's Christmas, there's a reset. There's reset.
But I think New Year is really that, and it
doesn't have to be big changes. It doesn't have to
be I'm going to become this person, but it's let
me reset and come back home. Yeah, like, let me

(01:04:55):
figure out a way another route because this isn't working,
or just yeah, letting go of the things of the
last year. They no longer serve do you. And I
think journaling is a beautiful way to do that. Yeah,
I really do. Where you're writing down all the things
that you've carried and that you still feel like are
holding heavy on your heart and on your mind, and
then setting a goal and an intention for yourself to

(01:05:16):
say this is the year, or knowing at the beginning
of the year, this is what I want to let
go of. It may not happen straight away, but I
want to release this and this is something I'm going
to work on letting go of because sometimes it can
take take months, years, weeks, like it could take a
long time depending on how strong those ties are.

Speaker 1 (01:05:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:05:33):
Also I've learned that I found myself even judging myself,
like it's weird, like I will the new me, like
I love the new me or who I'm becoming. But
it's almost like I will judge myself for becoming this same.

Speaker 4 (01:05:50):
Isn't that weird? Like why I don't know? I don't know,
I do, that's weird.

Speaker 2 (01:05:55):
Like judging myself for creating boundaries when person you know
was just I don't want to say, like likable, but
you know, and I'm still likable, but I will like
I have to like be like no, like Tia, it
is okay for.

Speaker 1 (01:06:12):
You to not judge yourself, you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 (01:06:15):
Like and how can we not change?

Speaker 3 (01:06:17):
Like I would think if I was the same I
think I always try and soothe myself in this way.
If I was still the same person I was three
years ago, Okay, that would be an issue because because
if you're there is no place for stagnancy. Like we
are getting older, we are growing, we are experiencing every
single day through our senses so many different things. Yes,

(01:06:37):
for that not to change me, that means I would
be a robot, like for that not to become me,
and not to like change the person that I am.
And so I have now tried to see change. And
obviously there's bad change, and there still change, but I've
tried to recognize that if I am doing the right
things and I am trying to grow, that change is
who I'm supposed to become. And if I keep trying

(01:07:00):
to stop that, I'm basically stagnating myself and stopping myself.

Speaker 1 (01:07:05):
I could totally I could totally see that.

Speaker 3 (01:07:07):
Yeah, oh my god, there's so much to do in life,
isn't there.

Speaker 4 (01:07:10):
I think take a nap.

Speaker 1 (01:07:14):
Hey, I'm an apper.

Speaker 3 (01:07:15):
Name last few quick fire questions. Okay, I was gonna ask,
what are you reading right now? But I know you're
reading When Things Fall Apart Everyone.

Speaker 4 (01:07:25):
I'm gonna definitely put that on my book list.

Speaker 3 (01:07:28):
You're always looking so amazed by the way. Let's just
take a second, because not only do you show up online,
you show up hair done, make up done, incredible outfits.
You're go okay, wait, I just need to put it
out there. You have an incredible hair brand that you've
just started.

Speaker 1 (01:07:45):
Yeah, for you, by the way.

Speaker 3 (01:07:47):
It's products for curls that I have just received and
I cannot wait to you.

Speaker 4 (01:07:52):
My curls need some loving.

Speaker 3 (01:07:55):
But what are your go tos like for your self
care for the products that you like using right now?

Speaker 4 (01:07:59):
Of course, for you for your co yeah, so.

Speaker 1 (01:08:01):
For you for my curl.

Speaker 2 (01:08:04):
So I love fragrance and just sense I feel like
it just really really puts.

Speaker 1 (01:08:08):
Me like in a mood, in a mood, a great mood. Well,
you know what someone.

Speaker 2 (01:08:13):
Else's told me, They're like, be very careful about sharing
what your fragrance is, because.

Speaker 4 (01:08:17):
You are you know what is your friends.

Speaker 2 (01:08:19):
Yes, but I'll just say, like I love like tom Ford, Like,
I wear several of their fragrance.

Speaker 4 (01:08:27):
You have to guess which one, but it's definitely gonna
go too.

Speaker 2 (01:08:31):
I am always wearing it, I'm refreshing with it and
all that kind of stuff. It just makes me feel complete.
So I would say fragrance.

Speaker 1 (01:08:39):
For you for curls. Gosh what else?

Speaker 4 (01:08:43):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:08:44):
So I'm all about skin and I love like you
know I do, and and I feel like it's it's
another way of how I take care of myself and
just you know, self care. So Shanny Darton, she is
just using her stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:08:59):
I amazing cream sigh cream.

Speaker 4 (01:09:02):
Yeah. I put the cream all over every day.

Speaker 1 (01:09:05):
It's like it is so good. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:09:07):
So I just holded three, but also to take home
for my mom and my sister. Well there you have it.
Like it is definitely dying to get a facial from her.

Speaker 1 (01:09:14):
But she's like fully bo fantastic. That's that's yeah, That's.

Speaker 2 (01:09:18):
Where I get my f She is amazing and she's
just affordable by the way.

Speaker 1 (01:09:24):
Yes, yeah, so now.

Speaker 3 (01:09:26):
I know it's definitely good because I've been I've been
feeling it.

Speaker 4 (01:09:29):
My friend told me about it too, But it's.

Speaker 1 (01:09:31):
I basically use the whole line.

Speaker 4 (01:09:33):
Yeah, from the.

Speaker 2 (01:09:34):
Wash to the lotion, to the toner to the exfoliator.

Speaker 4 (01:09:40):
She has like this.

Speaker 1 (01:09:41):
Nice hydrating cream.

Speaker 3 (01:09:45):
Oh my skin soaks thing that I want oils on
my swl Yeah, I need thick, luxurious creams that it
is so.

Speaker 1 (01:09:51):
Good, the hydrating cream, so those are just great.

Speaker 4 (01:09:54):
Yeah. What emotion do you find difficult to deal with?

Speaker 2 (01:09:59):
It?

Speaker 1 (01:10:00):
You know, anxiety? I'm angry.

Speaker 4 (01:10:02):
I feel like, you know, I.

Speaker 1 (01:10:03):
Don't know, I don't know my no, my therapist.

Speaker 2 (01:10:08):
She's so funny because I'll share, you know, some experiences
with her and she's like, I'm gonna be angry for you,
and then she'll like do that and I'm like, like,
it's just I just don't know.

Speaker 4 (01:10:17):
Why do you express anger?

Speaker 1 (01:10:20):
Interesting?

Speaker 2 (01:10:21):
How I express anger is basically fault. So I literally like,
if something on yourself. Yeah, so if something is is
not going well or I'm just like upset and overwhelmed
and angry, I automatically turn to myself and say.

Speaker 1 (01:10:41):
It's my fault. Oh wow, which it's.

Speaker 2 (01:10:44):
Not, you know what I mean, Like many of times
it's has nothing to do with me, you know what
I mean. It's I take things personal, and so I'm
learning I'm not I.

Speaker 3 (01:10:56):
Have to throw some plates around and stuff at some point. Yeah,
so you know we have to go to those anger rooms.

Speaker 2 (01:11:02):
Oh yes, where they like yeah, Okayn, like I rarely,
it's just that's beautiful, But thank you.

Speaker 4 (01:11:10):
When was the last time you had a really good cry?
Oh my gosh, I want to say maybe three days ago?

Speaker 1 (01:11:14):
Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 (01:11:17):
And and I'm learning to, like, I'm learning to allow
myself to move through that emotion and allow myself to release.

Speaker 1 (01:11:27):
It's a part of letting go.

Speaker 2 (01:11:29):
And so it was like it was actually when I
came back from my trip from London, and I think,
what happens is I have such this high when I
travel that when you get when I get back home,
it's kind of like.

Speaker 4 (01:11:41):
Everything hits back again.

Speaker 3 (01:11:42):
Yeah, so I was like, but it was also probably
releasing a lot of what you'd experienced.

Speaker 4 (01:11:48):
Like I think, I mean, crying for me is everything.

Speaker 3 (01:11:50):
I cry when I'm angry, sad, happy, But I have
noticed it after a good cry, you just feel lighter
and brighter and life feel a little bit better.

Speaker 1 (01:12:00):
It does, it does?

Speaker 4 (01:12:02):
Yeah, Okay, so I have this thing, last thing. Okay,
So what kind of crier you? So I've categorized the
cry Okay, Okay. There is number one, the loud, ugly cry,
and that's the.

Speaker 1 (01:12:12):
That's not me.

Speaker 4 (01:12:13):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:12:14):
There is the breathless okay, Okay, there is the sniffler
and snotty. Where there is there is some sort of
liquid coming out every part of the body.

Speaker 4 (01:12:25):
There's like not coming.

Speaker 2 (01:12:26):
Out there that's not me so far, the the whisper,
the I.

Speaker 3 (01:12:31):
Feel like I can tell what you're going to be.
One of the other chists, the high pitched, which is
the you know they just go like five octaves higher.

Speaker 1 (01:12:39):
That's not me.

Speaker 3 (01:12:40):
And then there's that I'm not crying your crying crier.
They're just like I've got something in my eye. It's
except that I'm crying.

Speaker 2 (01:12:47):
It just no, I I can't, as you say, I
can't hold it in like I'm a crier.

Speaker 4 (01:12:52):
The last one is the silent crier.

Speaker 3 (01:12:55):
Where they go away, that's me. They come back the
eyes are a little bit of red, and you have
to be like, well you no, no, yeah, my dad
or you asked what are you crying? Yeah, yeah, that's me.
My dad he's like were you crying? And my son's
like were you crying? And I'm like, so I'm definitely that.

Speaker 4 (01:13:11):
Okay, you're the silent cryer. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:13:15):
Feeling and I feel like this is going to be
such a wonderful conversation for people.

Speaker 1 (01:13:19):
Thank you for having me. Yeah, we've had a fun day.

Speaker 4 (01:13:26):
Thank you.

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Tia Mowry: You’re Unhappy and You Don’t Know it - Learn to Leave the Comfort of Being Unhappy

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Tia Mowry: You’re Unhappy and You Don’t Know it - Learn to Leave the Comfort of Being Unhappy