March 27, 2024 • 24 mins
Hey y'all! Once again, Jess is fixing your mess! This episode has some unique but relatable stories. If you're in a similar situation, this might really help you out! Tap in1
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Can'tflee Reckless, the production of iHeartRadio and The
Black Effect. And just like that, we're back with yet
another Canfully Reckless episode with your girl Jess. Hilarious. We
don't jump straight in two. It's so this is more
(00:23):
written passages from people. Again. I encourage you guys to
send voice notes in unless you have a distinctive voice
and people can guess who you are because a lot
of people do listen. So I'm just letting you know.
But you know, y'all know, I'm basically still saying I'd
rather listen to y'all than to read y'all shit because
y'all punctuation still be off. God damn. All right, but
(00:46):
it's all right.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Hello, Okay. So I have been married with my husband
for about fifteen years now. We were high school sweethearts
and even after that, we were the golden couple.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Ever since we got married.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
We would take trips at least six times year, always
date each other, and just live the life a married
couple should really have. This man has loved me unconditionally
through everything. About ten years ago, in thirty now, I
figured out that I would not be able to have kids,
and it crushed me, but all he did was build
me up and reassure me that it's okay and never
(01:17):
left my side. Up until recently, everything was perfect. I
noticed a change in his attitude. It wasn't nonchalant, but
it just feels like that he's just putting up with me.
I don't know, maybe he is getting bored. It took
me by surprise because we literally switched things up and
tried to keep the relationship spontaneous. So I'm just confused
on the whole switch in character. I also tell you
(01:39):
the story about me not being able to have kids
because we did recently have a conversation about it and
I did pour my heart out to him about not
having kids are being able to give him one, and
he did reassure me. But maybe this is the reason
why he's been acting a different way. Maybe I did
put the thought in his head that he will never
have kids as long as he's married to me. I
could be overthinking, but that's literally my only theory when
(02:01):
it comes to it. I don't believe he's a cheater
or would do anything to hurt me, and we have
great communication, so that's why I'm leaning towards this. Maybe
he doesn't want to bring him back up, so I
won't feel the way. Or maybe it could just be
something else, girl, I don't.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Know what do you think?
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Damn? All right? Well, first of all, you've been married
to this guy for a decade now, Like you say,
it started off really really really really great. You know,
Lover's lane so amazing. Y'all were in love. There was
nothing going on, he kept reassuring you. Now, you told
him in the beginning that you were unable to have children,
(02:38):
and he still fell in love with you, you know,
in spite of all that you know, and you fell
in love with him. Has he ever told you that
he really wants kids? I mean, obviously you can't, but
it still matters if he wants to. Has that ever
been a conversation? Has he ever said, well, this is
something that I want. I really really do want children,
(03:00):
you know, because there are other ways that you guys
can have kids, you know, other than vaginally. You know,
there's adoption, there's so many other ways. You get what
I'm saying, Like, is this a situation where you can't
do in vitro? Do you not believe in that? Like
not to get I guess too personal? Because if you
would have wanted me to know, you would have told me.
(03:21):
So let's just scrap that. But have you guys ever
considered adoption, you know? Or is that something that you
just never entertained? Because if the child doesn't come biologically
from you or him, then I could understand if that
was an issue, you know what I mean? Like I
do understand, But then there is things like surrocacy, like
have you ever considered a surrogate somebody to carry a
(03:43):
baby for you? I know, these things get pricey. However,
they are alternate routes that you can take if you
really do want children. Now, as far as his behavior,
him just switching, totally switching. Usually with situations like this
you see red flags. You see not a sudden change
(04:05):
of pattern, but you'll see a build up, you know
what I'm saying. Because the fact that he just switched,
that could be something else. I mean, it could have
something to do with you not being able to have children,
but it also could be something else because that's a
deeper situation, you not being able to have children. I
(04:25):
know he has to think about that every day, especially
if he wants to be a dad, If he desires
to be a father, then yes, that's something that he
would have to think about every day, and that's just
not a switch that you flip. You get what I'm saying,
So please understand, I'm not accusing him of cheating. I'm
not accusing him of just falling out of love with you.
I'm not accusing him of any of those things. Only
(04:45):
you know what I'm saying. However, we can't just throw
away with the fact that it may be something like
that because of the sudden mood change, because of the
sudden pattern change and all of that. Do you guys
not spend as much time together? Does he turned off?
Does he seem uninterested in you at times? Have you
ever set him down and talked to him about it?
Or are you just trying to make sure you're not
(05:08):
crazy and tell another person in your situation before you
do actually approach it or approach him. Let me know,
and you let me know a lot, but it's still
a lot more I would like to know. Also, you've
got to understand when you don't communicate. You know, when
we as women don't communicate, we kind of let things linger.
Could you have been ignoring signs before he just flipped
(05:28):
the switch? Could you not have been paying attention this
whole time? So whereas like you notice the end of
his build up and now it's just a flip switch
to you, like it seemed like it happened in the
blink of an eye, Like could you take some type
of accountability to say now only if it's yours to take.
Don't take accountability for some shit that is not true.
(05:49):
But I'm just saying, could you have overlooked how he
felt because he kept reassuring you? You know what I'm saying,
because listen, I just got finished talking about this on
the last yest with the mess actually not on the
last just fix my mesk, the one that I do
on breakfast Club. A lot of people cannot tell the
truth because they don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. You know,
(06:11):
they're sparing someone's feelings, so you oftentimes tiptoe around what
you have to say or how you're really feeling because
you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. That's what he
could have been doing to you, and that's what you
could have been doing to him, you know, because what
if he was never okay with you not having children?
Oh what if he was okay in the earlier years
(06:33):
of y'all's marriage, but then he developed such a desire
to become a father and want more family, you know
than just you want a family, you know, like, what
if that was the thing for him? What if that's
what he really wanted? You know, So you have to
sit down and talk to him. That's your husband, that's
not your boyfriend. It's not just a little jump off.
(06:53):
This ain't one of the niggas on your roster. You
understand what I'm saying. You don't got to hide how
you feel at all. I've been together ten years, you know.
I'm pretty sure y'all have experienced rough patches in marriages.
I mean, no marriage is perfect at all, you know,
So I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be the first uncomfortable
conversation that you guys have had to have, especially the
(07:14):
elephant in the room. You're unable to have children. I
imagine how hard it was for you to tell him that,
and how hard it is if he wants to be
a dad to reassure you that it's okay. You get
what I'm saying. So I think you should sit down
with your husband and talk to him and fully get
through with him. And I always encourage people don't get
up from their damn table until you have answers that
(07:35):
you need. If that other person got to get up,
so be it. But that's what we do. We try
so hard to tiptoe and to coddle other adults, whether
we're in love with them or not, you know, just
to save and spare their feelings. No, this is the
uncomfortable part of this marriage. It has to go here
so I can get what you're feeling. If I got
(07:56):
to make you feel uncomfortable to tell me the truth,
I'm gonna do that. So let me you know what
is it? Is there? Is it another woman? Is it
the fact that I really can't have kids but you
don't want to leave me for it because you're in
love with me but you still want children? Is it?
You know? Is it that I'm boring you? Is it
that our sex life has now lost spice? Like? Is it?
(08:17):
Because it could be something else? I'm not just gonna
jump straight to cheating, you know? Is my communication off?
Do you feel like I don't pay you enough attention? Like?
What is it? I've noticed a pattern, like a change
in your pattern? You don't hold me the same. You
don't look at me the same. We don't talk anymore,
we don't go on trips anymore. And this it seems
(08:37):
sudden to me. But if this is something that you've
been feeling, why haven't you come to me? And right now,
more importantly, is the right time to come to me?
Because I notice it and it's making me feel like
it's my fault. Let me know what's going on. You
know I'm in the dark about this, and then you
should get an answer, honey, But let me know. Check
(08:58):
back in answer my question and see y'all be trying
to help y'all, But y'all be trying to leave little
juicy off the fruit. I don't know why I just
said that, y'all be trying to leave meat off the bone.
I'm just say that. I say, y'all be trying to
leave juicy off the fruit. What giry say anything when
you're pregnant. I'mna blame everything on this baby. I don't care.
I'm gonna blame everything on the baby. I'm tired of
(09:19):
the hell nose bleeding. I'm like, what the fuck is
going on here? Jesus So to all the other pregnant
mothers out there. Please let me know if y'all experience
dry nose and bloody nose, Like, what the hell? I
wake up in the middle of the night, blow my nose.
It's all blood like. I wake up in the morning
to clear out my you know, just to clear my
(09:39):
system out, and it's it's it ain't even muchis and
s not, it's blood Like, what the hell is going on?
I've never had this issue. I mean, I have here
and there, but it's so frequent now it's not every day,
but it's very much more frequent than it's ever been.
And it's very weird. If you love me, you'll listen
to this commercial and then we'll be right back, all right, John, Okay,
(10:03):
so move it on.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Jess, I was an addict for fifteen years and I
am now five years clean. During the process of getting clean,
I met my best friend at an AA meeting and
she wasn't an addict, but she was the caterer there.
They would hire her to cater the meetings once a week.
Fast forward, I became the godmother of her first child,
and she also became mine. Btw. I am engaged right
(10:25):
now to my child's father. So about three months ago,
my best friend lost her mother and she hasn't been
taking it too well.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I definitely wouldn't expect her to.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I mean, she just lost her mom, but I'm noticing
a lot of change in her, and I honestly know
she's doing drugs and not telling me. I'm not sure
what kind. I'm definitely leaning towards pills. It started with
her dropping my godson off to me and not coming
back until the middle of the night, and she looked
so out of it. She said she had a lot
of errands to run and that's why she looked so tired.
(10:56):
And I went for it, but I still had that
thought in the back of my head. Now recently, I
went over her house to spend the day with her,
and we sat down and was just having a conversation.
She dozed off in the middle and snapped back and
forgot everything we talked about.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
I mean, her eyes was rolling in the back of
her head. She was so out of it.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Luckily, her son wasn't there that day because I would
have took him with me, but I did leave because
I felt triggered. I called her the next day to
tell her about herself, and she had no idea what
I was talking about. I immediately knew she was getting high.
I used to be an addict, so I definitely would know.
We got into an immediate argument because she kept denying it,
and I told her I can't be around someone who uses.
(11:36):
She tells me she don't give a fuck, and I
don't have to be around her, and she's not using.
I know how hostile you can be when you're under
the influence, so I'm not going to hold that against her,
but I know I just can't be around that. And
also I know that she's still grieving. I tried reaching
out to her for a week straight and she did
nothing but ignore me, and I'm very worried. I even
just texted her to see my godson and no reply,
(11:58):
which makes me even more worried. I love my best
friend to death, but I don't want her to go
down this hole. And I refuse to go down that
hole with her because being around her could possibly make
me relapse. But she's my best friend, so I'm kind
of in a hard situation. How can I be there
for her and not relapse at the same time, because
it's very triggering to be around her in that state
(12:19):
and Jess. I know you may not have a straightforward
answer because this is a lot, and I'm sorry for
even putting all this out there because the story is crazy,
but I would love some advice.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Well, sweetie, let me tell you, I got to break
this down. This says a lot. I have never been
an addicts before, however, I mean, if we're talking about
weed and shrooms and you know, things like that, then yes,
But I did have many of them in my family.
I know many of them, and I do understand. I
understand what your what your friend is going through, and
(12:54):
understand what you're going through. You know. I watched aunts
and uncles and cousins go through that, and some be
pulled back into it after getting off the horse, and
then some you know, not wanting to be around the others,
you know, who've been pulled back in after both of
them got clean, and shit, I do understand, and I
just want to say congratulations on your engagement. You know.
(13:16):
I love that. Love love love that you had a
complete three sixty. And also I love the fact that
you were able to form a bond with somebody who
was going through something so similar, you know, because then
you guys can relate on that journey. You know, however,
everybody is not going to be as strong as everybody else.
(13:39):
You get what I'm saying, like everybody handles things differently.
She lost her mom, You know, she was on the
right path until she had another lost. I imagined that
her and her mom were closed or her mom was
somebody that helped her, probably out with her son. Now
you're off to a you know, a whole nother turning
point in your life. You know you've pivoted in such
(13:59):
a way or you don't want to go back. However
it is triggering for you. Then what you need to
do is have your husband or your fiance be that
shield for you. That's your best friend and that's the
mother of your god baby. I wouldn't say give up
on her, and I know you don't want to put
yourself at risk into falling back into that hole. I
(14:19):
do understand that, However, you don't want your best friend
to go back so deep into that hole. Right And
while it's still early, it's so early, I still feel
that there's a way that you can catch her. You know,
you can pull it back about that shit. You understand
what I'm saying. There was a reason that you too connected.
There was a reason that you two actually became best friends,
(14:44):
or whether it was trauma bonding, you know, from the
drugs behind the drugs, or whatever it was, there was
a reason that you two met. You get what I'm saying.
And right now you're about to walk down the aisle.
I do understand. I'm not asking you to take on
burdens of other people. That's not what I'm asking you
to do. I'm asking you to also bringing a professional,
but you're the more familiar face. And yeah, of course
(15:05):
she lashed out on you because in a way, she
feels like you're looking down on her. But this is
all why she's high. You understand what I'm saying. And
then you know, even when she's sober, it's that guilt
eating her up. But she's fucking grieving as well. And
she's not grieving the loss of another friend. She's not
grieving the loss of a you know, a parrot or
you know her a parrot as a bird everybody like
(15:27):
a bear or what. You know, She's not grieving just
the loss of some person. What this is? How mom?
You know? And I don't know if you know that pain.
I don't even know that pain. But I know a
lot of people that has that pain, and I understand.
I understand. I cannot put myself in their shoes because
I don't feel what they feel, but I can understand
(15:49):
what it's like losing a person that birthed you, especially
if y'all relationship wasn't on the ouse and it ain't
have to be the best. But you only get one
of them. You only get one freaking mom. The whole
reason that I exist, other than God himself, is gone
my mother. You understand what I'm saying. Hold up, Hold up,
I know this shit getting good, But listen to just
(16:10):
a couple seconds of a commercial. If you love me,
you'll listen. You don't want to fall back into that shit.
I get it. You talk to your husband, I mean,
you talk to your son to be husband. You talk
to other people. Did you have any other people in
your foundation, like any other people that inspired you, that
helped you along the way to stay clean, like something else,
(16:30):
somebody else. It's going to take a couple of people.
But y'all got to get her out of that. Well.
I don't want to say y'all got to get her
out of that, because then I'm actually putting a lot
of pressure on you. But that's your friend, you know
what I'm saying, that's the mother of you, god child.
I don't care if it is. You take your god baby,
you get what I'm saying, and send a professional in
to help her. And then I also can already feel
(16:53):
that you feel a sense of obligation as well, because y'all,
y'all went through y'all journey together kind disorder, you know.
I mean, you met her in there, you met her
and rehab, you know, so I just want you to
have just a little bit more, you know, give her
a lot, give her a little bit more grace, you know,
try to help her. You know, if you can't do it,
because you can't do it alone, if you can't do
it even with support, then I understand. You know, at
(17:15):
least you tried. But if that were you, you get
what I'm saying, and the table's returned, you will want
her to pull you up out of that shit. You know.
You know that behavior all too well. You know, she
don't mean nothing that she say that's out of pocket
or that's mean she just grieving, And then on top
of that, she used and is she guilty? You know?
What I'm saying, So just try, just just try, just try.
(17:41):
But in order for you not to slip, you got
to have your support system too when you go help her.
If your husband, I mean, you know, I keep saying husband,
I'm just so happy that you get married. If your
fiance has to be with you when you go and
a couple other people go, go back to your rehab,
snitch on her. Look, look she's backing. You know, her
(18:02):
mom just died, she's grieving. Who can go with me
to her house? Yo? Come on, man, we gotta get
her right. I can help take the baby, or we
can give the baby to like you know, another close
family member that she got somebody something. But I need
to get my best friend together. That's your best friend,
you know what I'm saying. For a reason, thank you
(18:23):
for writing me. I'm happy that you did reach out.
This is something that I do know all too well, because,
like I said, close friends and family on both sides
of my family. You know, I have gone through this.
And then I grew up in West Baltimore City, you know,
so I've seen this from a child, you know what
I'm saying, As a child, from a growing child, I've
seen shit like this. You know, a lot of my
(18:44):
friends did make it. A lot of them did, A
lot of them went back to that shit, a lot
of them did not, a lot of them stayed friends
with each other, A lot of them didn't. Because people
do change, people do evolve, and some people don't, you
get what I'm saying. So like, if you can make
a difference, definitely make one. You will not regret it,
you know, But don't, like you said, don't put yourself
(19:06):
in a line of fire. And you're strong enough to
know that, and that's why I'm really proud of you
for that. A lot of you know, ex addicts, they're
not even strong enough to realize when they can be triggered.
You get what I'm saying, because a lot of them
haven't reached that point yet. But check back in with me,
baby girl. I want to say I do love you.
I even love your friend. You know what I'm saying.
I ain't got to know y'all to love y'all. I'm
a stranger from the outside looking in, but I do
(19:29):
care about both of you women, and of course that
baby you know, So just write me back, let me know,
keep me posted, and just like that, We've come to
yet another ending to carefully reckless episode with your Girl
just hilarious. What I'll be doing, I'll be fixing, ask y'all.
That's what I'll be trying to do. Y'all, be trying
to do it even with this full on belly, this
(19:50):
baby growing up in here. Listen, y'all. I said I
wanted to have a gender revealed, but I don't know,
Like I don't know. I'm just I'm getting the closer
I'm getting to, like my getting into my pregnancy, like
the deeper I'm getting into my pregnancy. I'm like, look, listen,
that gender reveal shit is just something that has developed
over social media. That's for the Internet, and I don't
give a fuck. I want to know. Like, of course
(20:11):
Chris want to know. That's my boyfriend Slash Babies, and yeah,
he wanted to know, but he's down with whatever I'm
down with, And like my friends and my family gonna
be so upset, but we got the look I'm probably
gonna go see right now, like yo, because we didn't
have the email for two weeks. But it's just like, nigga,
I want to know what the fuck I'm having. I
(20:34):
want to know what I'm having, and I gotta tell
I just I can't. Like, I mean, I probably won't
tell the world. I don't know, but I need to know.
I just want to know. I've been manifesting a girl.
I feel like a girl been baking up in here.
And yeah, because listen when I say I don't get
fucked by none, I don't get fucked by none. That's
real shit. You know. When I was pregnant with ash
(20:55):
what I do remember, I don't remember a lot of things,
like every little thing when I was pregnant with Ashen,
But I do remember being emotional and actually caring about
every little thing, and like I was trying to like
I don't know, like I just cared a little bit
too much about everything, and that like caused me to
(21:16):
stress out, like nah, like but I don't know if
that's the difference in having a boy or a girl,
but nigga, I just remember that being so vulnerable and
so emotional when I was nineteen and pregnant, like like anything,
I could see two birds on the roof and just
cry because I'm like, I don't know what nast did
they come out of? Are they lost? Story? I'm talking
(21:37):
about everything. I would watch TV and cry care too
much about actors and I'm like, bitch, this is a
scripted series. These are actors. What are you doing? Like stop?
And then I would get bent out of shape about
little situations that I would be in and I'm like,
how what is going on? So I just really really
feel like this is a girl because Babe, you can't
pay me to give two shits about shit going on today.
(21:58):
I don't give a fun I'm talking about all these
people coming at me, all these like anything from anything.
You can't get me to give to shits about it.
Like I am so fucking relaxed and chills and just
happy and non give a fuck like I'm for real,
(22:18):
I make fun of everything. I don't care, like I
don't care should That's where I'd be sitting there, like,
oh you want to argue, You want to argue, baby,
argue with your damn self. I'm gonna say, price it
like two three jokes and get it the fuck moving,
keep it moving. But I love you all, and make
sure you tune in every Wednesday to my podcast. Also
(22:40):
get your tickets. April twenty seventh, we got the second
annual Black Effect Podcast Festival and Atlanta Pullman Yards. Get
your tickets on the event. Bright Charlemagne, shout the shut out,
every goddamn Dad. That will be me, Whilo and Gilly, Lexandrea.
We got a couple other people in the lineup Yard.
It'll be some annals. We got food trucks and vendors
(23:02):
and all types of stuff. We got people with up
and coming podcasts that will be there, So make sure
you come and enjoy yourselves. I love you, guys, and
in my deepest pan voice, Can't Fully Reckless is a
(24:25):
production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Can'tflee Reckless, the production of iHeartRadio and The
Black Effect. And just like that, we're back with yet
another Canfully Reckless episode with your girl Jess. Hilarious. We
don't jump straight in two. It's so this is more
(00:23):
written passages from people. Again. I encourage you guys to
send voice notes in unless you have a distinctive voice
and people can guess who you are because a lot
of people do listen. So I'm just letting you know.
But you know, y'all know, I'm basically still saying I'd
rather listen to y'all than to read y'all shit because
y'all punctuation still be off. God damn. All right, but
(00:46):
it's all right.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Hello, Okay. So I have been married with my husband
for about fifteen years now. We were high school sweethearts
and even after that, we were the golden couple.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Ever since we got married.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
We would take trips at least six times year, always
date each other, and just live the life a married
couple should really have. This man has loved me unconditionally
through everything. About ten years ago, in thirty now, I
figured out that I would not be able to have kids,
and it crushed me, but all he did was build
me up and reassure me that it's okay and never
(01:17):
left my side. Up until recently, everything was perfect. I
noticed a change in his attitude. It wasn't nonchalant, but
it just feels like that he's just putting up with me.
I don't know, maybe he is getting bored. It took
me by surprise because we literally switched things up and
tried to keep the relationship spontaneous. So I'm just confused
on the whole switch in character. I also tell you
(01:39):
the story about me not being able to have kids
because we did recently have a conversation about it and
I did pour my heart out to him about not
having kids are being able to give him one, and
he did reassure me. But maybe this is the reason
why he's been acting a different way. Maybe I did
put the thought in his head that he will never
have kids as long as he's married to me. I
could be overthinking, but that's literally my only theory when
(02:01):
it comes to it. I don't believe he's a cheater
or would do anything to hurt me, and we have
great communication, so that's why I'm leaning towards this. Maybe
he doesn't want to bring him back up, so I
won't feel the way. Or maybe it could just be
something else, girl, I don't.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Know what do you think?
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Damn? All right? Well, first of all, you've been married
to this guy for a decade now, Like you say,
it started off really really really really great. You know,
Lover's lane so amazing. Y'all were in love. There was
nothing going on, he kept reassuring you. Now, you told
him in the beginning that you were unable to have children,
(02:38):
and he still fell in love with you, you know,
in spite of all that you know, and you fell
in love with him. Has he ever told you that
he really wants kids? I mean, obviously you can't, but
it still matters if he wants to. Has that ever
been a conversation? Has he ever said, well, this is
something that I want. I really really do want children,
(03:00):
you know, because there are other ways that you guys
can have kids, you know, other than vaginally. You know,
there's adoption, there's so many other ways. You get what
I'm saying, Like, is this a situation where you can't
do in vitro? Do you not believe in that? Like
not to get I guess too personal? Because if you
would have wanted me to know, you would have told me.
(03:21):
So let's just scrap that. But have you guys ever
considered adoption, you know? Or is that something that you
just never entertained? Because if the child doesn't come biologically
from you or him, then I could understand if that
was an issue, you know what I mean? Like I
do understand, But then there is things like surrocacy, like
have you ever considered a surrogate somebody to carry a
(03:43):
baby for you? I know, these things get pricey. However,
they are alternate routes that you can take if you
really do want children. Now, as far as his behavior,
him just switching, totally switching. Usually with situations like this
you see red flags. You see not a sudden change
(04:05):
of pattern, but you'll see a build up, you know
what I'm saying. Because the fact that he just switched,
that could be something else. I mean, it could have
something to do with you not being able to have children,
but it also could be something else because that's a
deeper situation, you not being able to have children. I
(04:25):
know he has to think about that every day, especially
if he wants to be a dad, If he desires
to be a father, then yes, that's something that he
would have to think about every day, and that's just
not a switch that you flip. You get what I'm saying,
So please understand, I'm not accusing him of cheating. I'm
not accusing him of just falling out of love with you.
I'm not accusing him of any of those things. Only
(04:45):
you know what I'm saying. However, we can't just throw
away with the fact that it may be something like
that because of the sudden mood change, because of the
sudden pattern change and all of that. Do you guys
not spend as much time together? Does he turned off?
Does he seem uninterested in you at times? Have you
ever set him down and talked to him about it?
Or are you just trying to make sure you're not
(05:08):
crazy and tell another person in your situation before you
do actually approach it or approach him. Let me know,
and you let me know a lot, but it's still
a lot more I would like to know. Also, you've
got to understand when you don't communicate. You know, when
we as women don't communicate, we kind of let things linger.
Could you have been ignoring signs before he just flipped
(05:28):
the switch? Could you not have been paying attention this
whole time? So whereas like you notice the end of
his build up and now it's just a flip switch
to you, like it seemed like it happened in the
blink of an eye, Like could you take some type
of accountability to say now only if it's yours to take.
Don't take accountability for some shit that is not true.
(05:49):
But I'm just saying, could you have overlooked how he
felt because he kept reassuring you? You know what I'm saying,
because listen, I just got finished talking about this on
the last yest with the mess actually not on the
last just fix my mesk, the one that I do
on breakfast Club. A lot of people cannot tell the
truth because they don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. You know,
(06:11):
they're sparing someone's feelings, so you oftentimes tiptoe around what
you have to say or how you're really feeling because
you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. That's what he
could have been doing to you, and that's what you
could have been doing to him, you know, because what
if he was never okay with you not having children?
Oh what if he was okay in the earlier years
(06:33):
of y'all's marriage, but then he developed such a desire
to become a father and want more family, you know
than just you want a family, you know, like, what
if that was the thing for him? What if that's
what he really wanted? You know, So you have to
sit down and talk to him. That's your husband, that's
not your boyfriend. It's not just a little jump off.
(06:53):
This ain't one of the niggas on your roster. You
understand what I'm saying. You don't got to hide how
you feel at all. I've been together ten years, you know.
I'm pretty sure y'all have experienced rough patches in marriages.
I mean, no marriage is perfect at all, you know,
So I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be the first uncomfortable
conversation that you guys have had to have, especially the
(07:14):
elephant in the room. You're unable to have children. I
imagine how hard it was for you to tell him that,
and how hard it is if he wants to be
a dad to reassure you that it's okay. You get
what I'm saying. So I think you should sit down
with your husband and talk to him and fully get
through with him. And I always encourage people don't get
up from their damn table until you have answers that
(07:35):
you need. If that other person got to get up,
so be it. But that's what we do. We try
so hard to tiptoe and to coddle other adults, whether
we're in love with them or not, you know, just
to save and spare their feelings. No, this is the
uncomfortable part of this marriage. It has to go here
so I can get what you're feeling. If I got
(07:56):
to make you feel uncomfortable to tell me the truth,
I'm gonna do that. So let me you know what
is it? Is there? Is it another woman? Is it
the fact that I really can't have kids but you
don't want to leave me for it because you're in
love with me but you still want children? Is it?
You know? Is it that I'm boring you? Is it
that our sex life has now lost spice? Like? Is it?
(08:17):
Because it could be something else? I'm not just gonna
jump straight to cheating, you know? Is my communication off?
Do you feel like I don't pay you enough attention? Like?
What is it? I've noticed a pattern, like a change
in your pattern? You don't hold me the same. You
don't look at me the same. We don't talk anymore,
we don't go on trips anymore. And this it seems
(08:37):
sudden to me. But if this is something that you've
been feeling, why haven't you come to me? And right now,
more importantly, is the right time to come to me?
Because I notice it and it's making me feel like
it's my fault. Let me know what's going on. You
know I'm in the dark about this, and then you
should get an answer, honey, But let me know. Check
(08:58):
back in answer my question and see y'all be trying
to help y'all, But y'all be trying to leave little
juicy off the fruit. I don't know why I just
said that, y'all be trying to leave meat off the bone.
I'm just say that. I say, y'all be trying to
leave juicy off the fruit. What giry say anything when
you're pregnant. I'mna blame everything on this baby. I don't care.
I'm gonna blame everything on the baby. I'm tired of
(09:19):
the hell nose bleeding. I'm like, what the fuck is
going on here? Jesus So to all the other pregnant
mothers out there. Please let me know if y'all experience
dry nose and bloody nose, Like, what the hell? I
wake up in the middle of the night, blow my nose.
It's all blood like. I wake up in the morning
to clear out my you know, just to clear my
(09:39):
system out, and it's it's it ain't even muchis and
s not, it's blood Like, what the hell is going on?
I've never had this issue. I mean, I have here
and there, but it's so frequent now it's not every day,
but it's very much more frequent than it's ever been.
And it's very weird. If you love me, you'll listen
to this commercial and then we'll be right back, all right, John, Okay,
(10:03):
so move it on.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Jess, I was an addict for fifteen years and I
am now five years clean. During the process of getting clean,
I met my best friend at an AA meeting and
she wasn't an addict, but she was the caterer there.
They would hire her to cater the meetings once a week.
Fast forward, I became the godmother of her first child,
and she also became mine. Btw. I am engaged right
(10:25):
now to my child's father. So about three months ago,
my best friend lost her mother and she hasn't been
taking it too well.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I definitely wouldn't expect her to.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I mean, she just lost her mom, but I'm noticing
a lot of change in her, and I honestly know
she's doing drugs and not telling me. I'm not sure
what kind. I'm definitely leaning towards pills. It started with
her dropping my godson off to me and not coming
back until the middle of the night, and she looked
so out of it. She said she had a lot
of errands to run and that's why she looked so tired.
(10:56):
And I went for it, but I still had that
thought in the back of my head. Now recently, I
went over her house to spend the day with her,
and we sat down and was just having a conversation.
She dozed off in the middle and snapped back and
forgot everything we talked about.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
I mean, her eyes was rolling in the back of
her head. She was so out of it.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Luckily, her son wasn't there that day because I would
have took him with me, but I did leave because
I felt triggered. I called her the next day to
tell her about herself, and she had no idea what
I was talking about. I immediately knew she was getting high.
I used to be an addict, so I definitely would know.
We got into an immediate argument because she kept denying it,
and I told her I can't be around someone who uses.
(11:36):
She tells me she don't give a fuck, and I
don't have to be around her, and she's not using.
I know how hostile you can be when you're under
the influence, so I'm not going to hold that against her,
but I know I just can't be around that. And
also I know that she's still grieving. I tried reaching
out to her for a week straight and she did
nothing but ignore me, and I'm very worried. I even
just texted her to see my godson and no reply,
(11:58):
which makes me even more worried. I love my best
friend to death, but I don't want her to go
down this hole. And I refuse to go down that
hole with her because being around her could possibly make
me relapse. But she's my best friend, so I'm kind
of in a hard situation. How can I be there
for her and not relapse at the same time, because
it's very triggering to be around her in that state
(12:19):
and Jess. I know you may not have a straightforward
answer because this is a lot, and I'm sorry for
even putting all this out there because the story is crazy,
but I would love some advice.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Well, sweetie, let me tell you, I got to break
this down. This says a lot. I have never been
an addicts before, however, I mean, if we're talking about
weed and shrooms and you know, things like that, then yes,
But I did have many of them in my family.
I know many of them, and I do understand. I
understand what your what your friend is going through, and
(12:54):
understand what you're going through. You know. I watched aunts
and uncles and cousins go through that, and some be
pulled back into it after getting off the horse, and
then some you know, not wanting to be around the others,
you know, who've been pulled back in after both of
them got clean, and shit, I do understand, and I
just want to say congratulations on your engagement. You know.
(13:16):
I love that. Love love love that you had a
complete three sixty. And also I love the fact that
you were able to form a bond with somebody who
was going through something so similar, you know, because then
you guys can relate on that journey. You know, however,
everybody is not going to be as strong as everybody else.
(13:39):
You get what I'm saying, like everybody handles things differently.
She lost her mom, You know, she was on the
right path until she had another lost. I imagined that
her and her mom were closed or her mom was
somebody that helped her, probably out with her son. Now
you're off to a you know, a whole nother turning
point in your life. You know you've pivoted in such
(13:59):
a way or you don't want to go back. However
it is triggering for you. Then what you need to
do is have your husband or your fiance be that
shield for you. That's your best friend and that's the
mother of your god baby. I wouldn't say give up
on her, and I know you don't want to put
yourself at risk into falling back into that hole. I
(14:19):
do understand that, However, you don't want your best friend
to go back so deep into that hole. Right And
while it's still early, it's so early, I still feel
that there's a way that you can catch her. You know,
you can pull it back about that shit. You understand
what I'm saying. There was a reason that you too connected.
There was a reason that you two actually became best friends,
(14:44):
or whether it was trauma bonding, you know, from the
drugs behind the drugs, or whatever it was, there was
a reason that you two met. You get what I'm saying.
And right now you're about to walk down the aisle.
I do understand. I'm not asking you to take on
burdens of other people. That's not what I'm asking you
to do. I'm asking you to also bringing a professional,
but you're the more familiar face. And yeah, of course
(15:05):
she lashed out on you because in a way, she
feels like you're looking down on her. But this is
all why she's high. You understand what I'm saying. And
then you know, even when she's sober, it's that guilt
eating her up. But she's fucking grieving as well. And
she's not grieving the loss of another friend. She's not
grieving the loss of a you know, a parrot or
you know her a parrot as a bird everybody like
(15:27):
a bear or what. You know, She's not grieving just
the loss of some person. What this is? How mom?
You know? And I don't know if you know that pain.
I don't even know that pain. But I know a
lot of people that has that pain, and I understand.
I understand. I cannot put myself in their shoes because
I don't feel what they feel, but I can understand
(15:49):
what it's like losing a person that birthed you, especially
if y'all relationship wasn't on the ouse and it ain't
have to be the best. But you only get one
of them. You only get one freaking mom. The whole
reason that I exist, other than God himself, is gone
my mother. You understand what I'm saying. Hold up, Hold up,
I know this shit getting good, But listen to just
(16:10):
a couple seconds of a commercial. If you love me,
you'll listen. You don't want to fall back into that shit.
I get it. You talk to your husband, I mean,
you talk to your son to be husband. You talk
to other people. Did you have any other people in
your foundation, like any other people that inspired you, that
helped you along the way to stay clean, like something else,
(16:30):
somebody else. It's going to take a couple of people.
But y'all got to get her out of that. Well.
I don't want to say y'all got to get her
out of that, because then I'm actually putting a lot
of pressure on you. But that's your friend, you know
what I'm saying, that's the mother of you, god child.
I don't care if it is. You take your god baby,
you get what I'm saying, and send a professional in
to help her. And then I also can already feel
(16:53):
that you feel a sense of obligation as well, because y'all,
y'all went through y'all journey together kind disorder, you know.
I mean, you met her in there, you met her
and rehab, you know, so I just want you to
have just a little bit more, you know, give her
a lot, give her a little bit more grace, you know,
try to help her. You know, if you can't do it,
because you can't do it alone, if you can't do
it even with support, then I understand. You know, at
(17:15):
least you tried. But if that were you, you get
what I'm saying, and the table's returned, you will want
her to pull you up out of that shit. You know.
You know that behavior all too well. You know, she
don't mean nothing that she say that's out of pocket
or that's mean she just grieving, And then on top
of that, she used and is she guilty? You know?
What I'm saying, So just try, just just try, just try.
(17:41):
But in order for you not to slip, you got
to have your support system too when you go help her.
If your husband, I mean, you know, I keep saying husband,
I'm just so happy that you get married. If your
fiance has to be with you when you go and
a couple other people go, go back to your rehab,
snitch on her. Look, look she's backing. You know, her
(18:02):
mom just died, she's grieving. Who can go with me
to her house? Yo? Come on, man, we gotta get
her right. I can help take the baby, or we
can give the baby to like you know, another close
family member that she got somebody something. But I need
to get my best friend together. That's your best friend,
you know what I'm saying. For a reason, thank you
(18:23):
for writing me. I'm happy that you did reach out.
This is something that I do know all too well, because,
like I said, close friends and family on both sides
of my family. You know, I have gone through this.
And then I grew up in West Baltimore City, you know,
so I've seen this from a child, you know what
I'm saying, As a child, from a growing child, I've
seen shit like this. You know, a lot of my
(18:44):
friends did make it. A lot of them did, A
lot of them went back to that shit, a lot
of them did not, a lot of them stayed friends
with each other, A lot of them didn't. Because people
do change, people do evolve, and some people don't, you
get what I'm saying. So like, if you can make
a difference, definitely make one. You will not regret it,
you know, But don't, like you said, don't put yourself
(19:06):
in a line of fire. And you're strong enough to
know that, and that's why I'm really proud of you
for that. A lot of you know, ex addicts, they're
not even strong enough to realize when they can be triggered.
You get what I'm saying, because a lot of them
haven't reached that point yet. But check back in with me,
baby girl. I want to say I do love you.
I even love your friend. You know what I'm saying.
I ain't got to know y'all to love y'all. I'm
a stranger from the outside looking in, but I do
(19:29):
care about both of you women, and of course that
baby you know, So just write me back, let me know,
keep me posted, and just like that, We've come to
yet another ending to carefully reckless episode with your Girl
just hilarious. What I'll be doing, I'll be fixing, ask y'all.
That's what I'll be trying to do. Y'all, be trying
to do it even with this full on belly, this
(19:50):
baby growing up in here. Listen, y'all. I said I
wanted to have a gender revealed, but I don't know,
Like I don't know. I'm just I'm getting the closer
I'm getting to, like my getting into my pregnancy, like
the deeper I'm getting into my pregnancy. I'm like, look, listen,
that gender reveal shit is just something that has developed
over social media. That's for the Internet, and I don't
give a fuck. I want to know. Like, of course
(20:11):
Chris want to know. That's my boyfriend Slash Babies, and yeah,
he wanted to know, but he's down with whatever I'm
down with, And like my friends and my family gonna
be so upset, but we got the look I'm probably
gonna go see right now, like yo, because we didn't
have the email for two weeks. But it's just like, nigga,
I want to know what the fuck I'm having. I
(20:34):
want to know what I'm having, and I gotta tell
I just I can't. Like, I mean, I probably won't
tell the world. I don't know, but I need to know.
I just want to know. I've been manifesting a girl.
I feel like a girl been baking up in here.
And yeah, because listen when I say I don't get
fucked by none, I don't get fucked by none. That's
real shit. You know. When I was pregnant with ash
(20:55):
what I do remember, I don't remember a lot of things,
like every little thing when I was pregnant with Ashen,
But I do remember being emotional and actually caring about
every little thing, and like I was trying to like
I don't know, like I just cared a little bit
too much about everything, and that like caused me to
(21:16):
stress out, like nah, like but I don't know if
that's the difference in having a boy or a girl,
but nigga, I just remember that being so vulnerable and
so emotional when I was nineteen and pregnant, like like anything,
I could see two birds on the roof and just
cry because I'm like, I don't know what nast did
they come out of? Are they lost? Story? I'm talking
(21:37):
about everything. I would watch TV and cry care too
much about actors and I'm like, bitch, this is a
scripted series. These are actors. What are you doing? Like stop?
And then I would get bent out of shape about
little situations that I would be in and I'm like,
how what is going on? So I just really really
feel like this is a girl because Babe, you can't
pay me to give two shits about shit going on today.
(21:58):
I don't give a fun I'm talking about all these
people coming at me, all these like anything from anything.
You can't get me to give to shits about it.
Like I am so fucking relaxed and chills and just
happy and non give a fuck like I'm for real,
(22:18):
I make fun of everything. I don't care, like I
don't care should That's where I'd be sitting there, like,
oh you want to argue, You want to argue, baby,
argue with your damn self. I'm gonna say, price it
like two three jokes and get it the fuck moving,
keep it moving. But I love you all, and make
sure you tune in every Wednesday to my podcast. Also
(22:40):
get your tickets. April twenty seventh, we got the second
annual Black Effect Podcast Festival and Atlanta Pullman Yards. Get
your tickets on the event. Bright Charlemagne, shout the shut out,
every goddamn Dad. That will be me, Whilo and Gilly, Lexandrea.
We got a couple other people in the lineup Yard.
It'll be some annals. We got food trucks and vendors
(23:02):
and all types of stuff. We got people with up
and coming podcasts that will be there, So make sure
you come and enjoy yourselves. I love you, guys, and
in my deepest pan voice, Can't Fully Reckless is a
(24:25):
production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
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