October 6, 2023 • 64 mins
SEASON 2 EPISODE 50: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: Trump is for all intents and purposes a spy, who in April 2021 gave away nuclear submarine secrets to an Australian manufacturer of boxes, 'potentially endanger(ing) the U.S. fleet." The businessman promptly told at least 45 other people, including 11 of his own employees, 10 Australian officials, and THREE FORMER Australian Prime Ministers.
We must do to Trump what we would do to any other trafficker in top secret information: arrest, detention without bail, prosecution for espionage.
We know the name of the man Trump delivered defense information to, we know his nationality, we know when and where Trump delivered it to him, we know what the information delivered WAS, we know that Jack Smith’s investigators know about it and interviewed him at least twice, and we know WHO the man in turned SHARED the top secret information WITH, totaling at LEAST 45 other people including three of his home country’s prime ministers.
TRUMP GAVE AWAY OUR NUCLEAR SUBMARINE SECRETS TO A GUY WHO MAKES CORRUGATED BOXES.
It's ESPIONAGE. Donald Trump committed ESPIONAGE. He is not MERELY trying to burn down representative government in this country AGAIN but in his spare time over the last three years he has been committing ESPIONAGE and he is for all intents and purposes a foreign agent of at LEAST one other country, Australia, and when we FIND agents of other countries who trade in information about how many nuclear warheads can fit in one of our submarines or how close they can get to the Russians without the Russians finding out they are there.
And the government, no matter the fallout, needs to arrest Donald Trump today, for espionage, for spying on behalf of a foreign nation, and keep him detained without bail.
B-Block (22:30) POSTSCRIPTS TO THE NEWS: Get your popcorn. The Republicans are Cawthorning Matt Gaetz. Politico underscores what's wrong with American media. The GOP finally can claim it got a Biden out of the White House: Commander the dog. (27:03) IN SPORTS: Farewell to Dick Butkus. I knew him; he was smart, ethical, funny. As predicted here, the Mets' GM exits. And as predicted nowhere: The New York Post comes out in defense of Trevor Bauer. (31:54) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: Fox's pro-Nikki Haley guest turns out to be her state co-chair. Target's claim to be closing stores because of shoplifting turns out to be fraudulent. And Sage Steele and Bill Maher participate in the worst interview I've ever seen.
C-Block (40:35) FRIDAYS WITH THURBER: His epic of baseball and not-really-attempted murder: "The Catbird Seat."
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Donald
Trump is, for all intents and purposes, a foreign spy
(00:26):
acting on behalf of Australia, and he should be treated
as we treat spies in this country, arrested, detained without bail,
treated as the threat to national security that they are,
and held as long as is necessary. Since the marri
Lago Trump Stolen classified documents nightmare broke upon US fourteen
(00:46):
months ago, the nightmare within the nightmare has been simple
and chilling. What if Trump took the secrets of the
United States of America and shared them with foreign governments
or foreign nationals or other foreigns buys? And now we
(01:07):
know that he has, and now we know that he
has violated the Espionage Act, has given away information about
our submarines that, according to New York Times sources, quote,
potentially endangered the US nuclear fleet. And the new mystery
is why has he not been charged with a violation
(01:29):
of eighteen US Code, Chapter thirty seven, Section seventy nine
to four gathering or delivering defense information to aid foreign governments?
And why is he not now facing quote imprisonment for
any term of years or for life unquote. We know
the name of the man Trump delivered defense information too.
(01:51):
We know his nationality, we know when and where Trump
delivered the information to him, we know what the information
delivered was. We know that Jack Smith's investigators know about
it and interviewed the man at least twice. And we
know who the man, in turn, shared the top secret
information with. It totals at least forty five other people,
including three of his home country's former prime ministers. ABC
(02:17):
News broke this story last night, and it is not
just astounding, it is astounding that it has not and
will not wipe out every other trivial news story currently
being regurgitated by the compliant media of this country. ABC's
sources report that in April twenty twenty one, which would
(02:39):
be let me see, roughly three months after Trump lost
any protections of the presidency, reel Or imagined a member
at Marri Lago, a balding Australian named Anthony Pratt with
orange hair bearing a startling resemblance to a baby orangutan,
approached Trump there quote looking to make conversation with him.
(03:03):
Pratt is a Australian billionaire, head of Pratt Industries, one
of the world's largest makers of corrugated packaging based in Georgia.
Pratt told Smith's investigators that he and Trump had discussed
one particular topic before, so that was his go to
move in the conversation. Starting at Mary Lago quote, he
(03:26):
brought up the American submarine fleet. What Anthony Pratt says
Trump told him about the American submarine fleet. Pratt would
then share with eleven of his own company's employees, ten
assorted Australian officials, six journalists, and the three former Australian
Prime ministers. And there are seven living former Australian Prime ministers.
(03:48):
So I guess we can count our blessings that the
secret submarine information did not reach a majority of them,
or reach Rupert Burdock or Nicole Kidman or the late
Dame Edna Everidge. Pratt brings up the American submarine fleet
and let me just read directly from the ABC report quote.
According to Pratt's account, as described by the sources, Pratt
(04:12):
told Trump he believed Australia should start buying its submarines
from the United States, to which an excited Trump, leaning
toward Pratt as if to be discreet, then told Pratt
two pieces of information about US submarines, the supposed exact
number of nuclear warheads they routinely carry, and exactly how
(04:35):
close they supposedly can get to a Russian submarine without
being detected. While Pratt told investigators he couldn't tell if
what Trump said about US submarines was real or just bluster,
investigators nevertheless asked Pratt not to repeat the numbers that
Trump allegedly told him, suggesting the information could be too
sensitive to relay further. A former Trump marri Lago employee
(04:59):
then told investigators that within minutes of Trump telling Pratt,
Pratt began tell a well everybody else in the world.
The Trump employee told the investigators that he was quote
bothered and shocked to hear Trump blurt out such secrets
to a foreign national. Pratt and the Trump employee agreed.
Trump did not show anybody any documents about this. Pratt
(05:23):
insists he only told the Australian government, evidently everybody in
the Australian government, evidently many who merely used to be
in the Australian government. He only told them because he
was advocating for his native country to buy the American submarines,
and ultimately it did buy them, and contemporaneous with giving
away the secret details of how stealthy they are and
(05:44):
how many nuclear warheads they can carry. Trump also told
Fox Business Channel that the US has quote the greatest
submarines in the world, the most powerful machines ever built,
and nobody knows where they are. Well, Anthony Pratt knows
where they are, and presumably the last three conservative Prime
Ministers of Australia Morris Turnbull a habit. They know where
(06:06):
they are, as do the eleven Pratt employees and the
ten officials and the six journalists. Trump gave away our
nuclear submarine secrets to a guy who makes corrugated boxes.
It doesn't matter if Australia has largely been a close
(06:26):
ally of this nation. It doesn't matter if Pratt invested
in plants in this country. It doesn't matter if Trump
attended the opening of a Pratt plant in Ohio in
twenty nineteen. It doesn't matter if, as The Times reports,
Pratt is on the list of possible witnesses in Trump's
Florida trial. It matters that after Trump was elected, Pratt
bought a membership at Marilago to gain access to the
(06:49):
prostitute President of the United States, and he got the access,
and he got it in spades. And he says he
visited Mari Lago ten times, and he once had dinner
with Trump and a US senator nearby, and he got
into the White House while one of the Prime ministers
was there. God knows which. I wonder if Pratt keeps
them straight in his own mind by remembering which ones
(07:10):
he told about American nuclear submarine secrets and which ones
he did not. None of that matters. What matters is
Trump compulsively shot off his big bazoo at his crap
shack country club to a guy who makes corrugated boxes,
and he was overheard doing so by one of his
(07:33):
employees at the club, by at least one of his
employees at the club. God knows who else heard him
that time. God knows who else heard him all the
other times. Whoever, with intent or reason to believe that
(07:53):
it is to be used to the injury of the
United States or to the advantage of a foreign nation, communicates, delivers,
or transmits to any foreign government, or to any representative, officer, agent, employees, subject,
or citizen thereof any document writing codebook, signal book, sketch, photograph, photographic, negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, note, instrument, appliance,
(08:22):
or information relating to the national defense shall be punished
by imprisonment for any term of years or for life.
It's espionage. Donald Trump committed espionage. He is not merely
trying to burn down representative government in this country again,
(08:44):
but in his spare time over these last three years,
he has been committing espionage. And he is, for all
intents and purposes, a foreign agent of at least one
other country, Australia. And when we find agents of other
countries who trade in information about how many nuclear warheads
can fit into one of our submarines, or how close
(09:06):
our submarines can get to the Russian submarines without the
Russians finding out they are there, we arrest those agents
and we keep them detained without bail, and if we
can arrange it, we keep them there for the rest
of their lives. And the government, no matter what the
fallout to this might be, needs to arrest Donald Trump
(09:28):
today for espionage, for spying on behalf of a foreign nation,
and we need to keep him detained without bail. And
instead of that, instead of hearing of Trump's arrest as
the spy he is. We hear instead that Trump attorneys
(09:49):
in Florida have filed a motion in Judge Aileen Cannon's
court seeking to delay his trial for stealing those documents
and giving them and the information they contain to everybody
in Australia except crocodile effing done. He wants it delayed
from May of next year until December of next year
(10:11):
because the secure facility assigned to the case is not
ready and thus he cannot access the classified documents central
to his case. And why doesn't he just get them
from Anthony Pratt? And instead of his arrest as a spy,
we hear that Trump attorneys John Laurow and Todd Blanche
(10:31):
have filed a motion in district court in Washington to
dismiss the entirety of the January sixth case because of
something they made up called presidential immunity, which I guess
you get from drinking bleach and eating light bulbs. Because
(10:52):
trying to seat fake electors and overturn illegal election and
usurp the presidency and stay in power illegally, they are
quote within the heartland of a president's official duties or
at least within the quote outer perimeter, and Trump was
only trying to enforce the election laws. And I have
(11:14):
two questions for mister Laurow and mister Blanche. How much
money is it taking to get you to represent a
trader and a spy like Trump? And secondly, did you
get it in advance, you whores? If these infuriating attempts
to stall so that the greatest criminal in American history
(11:35):
can get away with it again were insufficiently enraging messr's
Laurow and Blanche have added that because the Senate did
not convict Trump in his second impeachment after his coup attempts,
that acquittal renders Trump quote absolutely immune from any prosecution
for January sixth, which is exactly the opposite of what
(11:55):
his apologists said in January of twenty twenty one, and
exactly the opposite of what the Senate Majority leader Mitch
McConnell said as Trump was not being can victed, that
these matters were properly within the realm of criminal prosecution
and the criminal courts. And most infuriatingly, still, instead of
heading to jail as a spy, Trump may instead be
(12:21):
heading to the US Capital to create another campaign stunt
event by standing for the vacant speakership of the House.
He says he'd fill the job temporarily until they can
find a permanent one because he's a unifier, or he's
pretending to stand for the post until he realizes the
(12:42):
Speaker of the House has to actually work and not
just despite the title speak. Trump headed back to the
US Capital, proving the oldest cliche that the criminal always
returns to the scene of the crime, honest to God.
(13:07):
In a sane country, the debate right now would be
a jurisdictional battle. Who among you gets to arrest and
detain Trump first, the Department of Homeland Security or Judge
Chutkin in Washington for violating the terms of his bail,
or Judge Engron in New York for violating the gag order. Again. Trump,
(13:30):
attacking the judge's clerk on Tuesday, told to not again
do that or publicly refer to anybody on the judge's staff,
slandered the judge himself on Wednesday. Did that again yesterday
six forty four am Eastern. Another post on his crapshack
social media quote a radical left judge who came up
through Democrat club system. Then at seven oh eighty had
(13:50):
another brilliant thought quote a highly political judge, Judge Angron.
If you do not punish him, you are saying the
law does not apply to Trump. And if you say
the law does not apply to Trump, then it is
no law at all, and you are merely increasing the
chances that he regains power and uses it to punish
anyone who crossed him. And I hate to tell you this, Judge,
(14:12):
but that doesn't just mean me, It means you. This
has been grim stuff so far, so I think we
should let ourselves really enjoy the remainder of the news.
The news that someone has picked up on the rather
obvious Trump mistake that if he paid taxes on a
(14:34):
club that he owned on the basis that it's worth
twenty six million dollars, and now in court he insists
it's worth one billion, five hundred million dollars. Trump probably
owes the state of Florida some money. Congressman Jared Moskowitz
of that state has written to the assessor of Palm
Beach County noting the slight discrepancy. It's just a billion,
(14:57):
four hundred and seventy four million it's chump change if
you're a balding, orange haired Australian box manufacturer. If the
property value of Marri Lago is so much higher than
it was appraised, asked the congressman, will you be amending
the property value in line with the Trump family's belief
that the property is worth well over a billion dollars?
(15:20):
Thank you, congressman. Meanwhile, back in DC, let me circle
back to the speakership and this assumption that the Republicans,
who have proved time and time again that if there
are no more Democrats to attack other Republicans will do
just as well for Republican target practice, that they will
actually elect a successor to Kevin McCarthy someday says who
(15:44):
they are so utterly incapable of anything except conflict that
they let a handful of derelicts like Gates and Mace
and Burchett and Bob Good. They let eight scumbags grind
their majority's time in power to a halt. Who are
(16:06):
we thinking is going to compromise here? They may all
be too afraid to turn Trump down, but this still
assumes Trump is serious about being speaker. And I'm sorry,
I don't see cash for him to pick up or
secret documents for him to steal as speaker or to
put it in his terms. I just to see what's
in it for him. He's the sucker, isn't he? Also,
(16:30):
we do not want the Republicans to elect a new
speaker because the little bow tide snotrag they have in
there now is an acting speaker. And guess what does
not count in the presidential line of succession right now?
That line of succession is Vice President Kamala Harris, and
(16:51):
then Senate President Pro Temporary Patty Murray, and then a
bunch of members of the Biden cabinet until the Republicans
choose their next future X speaker. The line of succession
is free of Republicans scum good. Three more legal larfs.
(17:15):
Trump sued Michael Cohen for five hundred million dollars for
allegedly violating attorney client privilege. It was just getting to
depositions Trump was supposed to sit next Monday. Trump's withdrawing
the suit without prejudice, meaning he can file it again later.
Only he won't because it's not just without prejudice, it's
without substance, but it's with a Trump deposition meantime, Sidney
(17:39):
Powell was again eaten by her own kraken. Again, the
judge in Georgia has denied her motion to dismiss her
Trump nineteen indictment based on prosecutorial misconduct that, like everything
else she has ever spoken of, evidently only she could see.
And best of all, as of yesterday morning, Mike Lindell
(18:02):
was being sued by Dominion Vote Machines for one billion,
three hundred million dollars for defamation, and he was being
sued by Smart Mattic voting machines for something unspecified but
close to one billion, three hundred million dollars. But then
things went downhill for Mike. His attorneys, Lewin and Lewin
(18:23):
and Parker Daniel's Kiboard LLC, have asked the judges in
the cases to let them withdraw as counsel for Lindell
and my Pillow. They are intimating that he has pulled
a Rudy Giuliani on them, that he owes them millions
(18:44):
of dollars in unpaid legal fees, and that now they
will have to sue him and my pillow. Well sheet
also of interest here, remember Madison Cawthorn, Remember what the
(19:07):
other Republicans did to Madison Cawthorn, Well, I can tell you,
without fear of contradiction, that they are now starting to
do exactly the same things to Matt Gates. They are
Cawthorning Matt Gates. So go make the popcorn. That's next.
This is countdown. This is countdown with Keith Olberman. Postscripts
(19:39):
to the news, some headlines, some updates, some snarks, some predictions. Dateline, Washington.
The Republicans are Cawthorning Matt Gates. Remember Madison Cawthorn, the
far right congress troll who evidently went too far for
his own party when he revealed drug fueled Republican congressional
sex parties, and the next thing he knew, there were
(20:01):
two hundred and twenty seven photos going viral of him
wearing address. Gates led the ouster of Speaker Kevin McCarthy
over the wishes of all but seven other House Republicans,
and they are ready to expel him from the Republican party,
along with the other seven who voted against McCarthy, including Nancy.
(20:23):
I'll even get out of bed for this, Mace. Congressman
David Joyce of Ohio says, quote if it was up
to me, I'd vote for it. It's a waste of
time having conversations with these people. He's so close. I
never thought Congressman leopard of face eating City, Florida would
eat my face. While other Republicans have warned they will
(20:45):
vote to expel Gates not just from the party but
from Congress itself if he's found guilty by the Ethics Committee,
the hints about that are now beginning to drop. In fact,
they're beginning to reign. Former Mike Pence Chief of staff
Mark Short said quote to say he came here as
a fiscal crusader. It's more likely he came here for
(21:08):
the teenage interns on Capitol Hill. Unquote, thank you, Nancy
(21:36):
Faust and former Congressman now Senator Mark Wayne Mullen of Oklahoma.
And seriously, Senator, what kind of name is that? Either
your Mark or your Wayne? Anyway, Senator Mullen added quote,
we had all seen the videos he was showing on
the house floor of the girls that he had slept with.
(21:57):
He'd brag about how he would crush ed medicine and
chase it with an energy drink so he could go
all night. Gates's reply to that quote, this is a lie,
a lie, which part Matt you mean it wasn't an
energy drink? Thank you again, Nancy Faust. Do you see
(22:35):
what we did there? Dateline Washington? Why is this country
going to hell? Or has already gone there? Reason number
three or four out of the top ten. The news
media has lost any understanding of what it is here for.
Politico playbook on the Speaker of the House favorite Steve Scalise,
always smiling and quick to joke. Scalise is the type
(22:57):
of politician you end up drinking too much wine with
at a steakhouse. We shouldn't be drinking with any politician,
you politico ninnies. Your job is to go cover them.
Your job is to, if necessary, expose them. Your job
is not, repeat, not never, to end up drinking too
much wine with them at a steakhouse and dayvine the
(23:22):
White House after biting yet another Secret Service agent, the
Biden rescue dog commander has been relocated. We do not
have details. I am hoping they relocated him to become
head of the Secret Service. Still, this does give Republicans
the opportunity to finally boast that after two years, have
tried to do nothing else they have finally gotten a
(23:46):
Biden out of the White House. This is Sportscentate. Wait,
not anymore, this is countdown with Keith Alberman in sports
(24:14):
Dick Butkus has died. There was never a better middle linebacker,
and never a National Football League player with a tougher reputation,
and never an NFL defensive player who more completely defined
an era in his franchise's history. Born in Chicago, starred
at the University of Illinois, third pick in the nineteen
sixty five draft, and five times first team All Pro
(24:35):
in just nine seasons for the Chicago Bears. Butckus died
in his sleep at his home in southern California. You
will hear stuff like that all day today. But Dick
Butkus was also intensely intelligent, well read, funny, and scrupulously
ethical in an era when that was not commonplace. I
(24:56):
knew him. We sat opposite each other during a five
hour flight from New York to Los Angeles one day
in nineteen eighty nine when he was doing color commentary
for CBS Football, and the moment he sat down, he
pulled a book out of his bag and began to
read it. During takeoff over the East coast through the Heartland.
He was still reading this new football book that I
(25:18):
had heard the NFL was trying to kill. It was
about the history of the game and organized crime. It
was called Interference by Dan Mouldea. For several hours, all
I heard out of Dick Buckus, sitting not five feet
from me, was a series of profound grunts. Somewhere over
(25:39):
like Topeka. He finally closed the book, ran his hands
over his lips and looked at me, and he barked,
you do the sports in LA right for our station.
I nodded, yes, We shook hands. He flapped the book
at me. You read this yet? I nodded, No, read it?
He commanded, It's about everybody I've ever known, and God
(25:59):
damn it, it's all true. Dick Buckus did not say
another word. The last I ever saw of him, he
was dancing nimbly, and he was six foot three and
at least two hundred and fifty pounds, dancing nimbly down
a very tiny set of stairs onto the tarmac at Lax,
all the while still reading that book and still brunting. Recently,
(26:23):
he and I had corresponded. Dick wanted to know if
I was taking care of myself or if the political
world was wearing me down, and how I should look
out for that. He had tweeted his selfie from the
Bears first game last month. He looked terrific. There was
a lot going on inside the big Man. Dick Budkus
would have been eighty one years old in December. From
(26:45):
Baseball mid reports of some kind of scandal over some
kind of improper use of the injury list. Ooh, the
general manager of the New York Mets, Billy Eppler, has resigned.
My friend Steve Gelbs, the in game reporter for the
Mets telecast, tweeted this news by noting, quote in a
shocking move, Well, what's shocking about it? I told you
(27:08):
Tuesday Billy Eppler would be gone because Epler had just
fired the Mets manager, Buck Showalter, on the premise that
the team had just hired a new president of baseball operations,
David Stearns. And to forgive me quote myself, the premise was,
Stearns gets to choose his own baseball people. If I'm
general manager Billy Eppler, I'm thinking, wait, I'm in baseball
(27:31):
and I'm a people. Am I going to get fired too. Wait,
what's that look on Billy's face? Meanwhile, in a genuinely
shocking move, the New York Post newspaper, Well, that's an exaggeration.
The New York Post has defended pitcher Trevor Bauer, suspended
for two years by Major League Baseball and then thrown
out of Japanese Baseball after a series of women had
(27:52):
accused him of battery and violence and sexual style assault.
Quote media lynch mob was way off in ex MLB
star Trevor Bauer's rape case. Read the headline than the
art in The New York Post featured one story of
one accuser and asked where does Trevor Bauer go to
get his reputation back? Seems to me the Post needs
(28:15):
to worry instead about getting its reputation back right now,
it is the paper that has defended the appalling athlete
Trevor Bauer. Well ex athlete. Stell ahead on countdown that
(28:52):
which combines Thurber and Red Barber and baseball and non
attempted murder The catbird Seat by James Thurber first time
for the daily roundup of the miss Greens, Morons and
Dunning Kruger effect specimens who constitute today's worst persons in
the world, the bronze in this world of republicans believing
(29:14):
neither in a democracy or a republic or representative government,
you tend to no longer notice places like Fox that
have been cheating and lying and advocating for fascism for years,
but every once in a while they earn their way
back onto this list. Yesterday morning, Fox and Friends joined
the apparent decision by the Propaganda Channel to abandon ron DeSantis'
(29:37):
presidential candidacy to instead try to buttress that of Nikki Haley.
They interviewed a quote Republican voter and Air Force veteran
from New Hampshire named Melinda Taranjo to explain why she
switched to supporting Haley and why Haley's doing so well
in New Hampshire. And she gushed and talked about Haley,
(29:57):
this and Haley that. Not once did anybody mention that
the guest Melinda Taranjo, is New Hampshire state co chair
of Nikki Haley for President. What a coincidence? Fox, What
a coincidence? Honestly nationalized News corp Seize them and replace
all the programming on all their networks with refeeds of PBS,
(30:23):
the runners up Target stores. They've announced they are closing
nine of their retail stores across the nation, and they
have fed this Republican trope that the law has failed
and they had to do this because of out of
control shoplifters. And it turns out sure looks like Target
is lying the new site. Popular Information analyzed some of
the closures. The store Target is closing in Harlem had
(30:46):
the lowest number of shoplifting reports of all of its
stores in Upper Manhattan this year. The store Target is
closing in San Francisco, same thing, twenty three shoplifting episodes.
Another store that they're keeping open nearby, three to eighty
five Seattle, same thing. This looks like Target made some
bad overstock decisions and it's trying to make it look
(31:08):
like it's not being run by a bunch of idiots
and instead blaming those awful liberal cities. Also, why are
you shopping at Target? But our winners Sage Steel and
Bill Maher. These are not the worst two people I've
ever worked with out of the twenty or thirty thousand,
but they are top ten and one event in which
(31:31):
they screw something up this big together there ought to
be a holiday, declared Steele, who got fired by ESPN
after she attacked President Obama for identifying as black and
attacked the network's COVID vaccine nation requirements, and because they
had not fired her over the previous fourteen years she
worked there, to which I say, bravo you ESPN executives
(31:53):
and staffers. Your bravery is more than I could have achieved.
Steele is now being pitched as a Republican candidate for
the areas surrounding, but not include, the ESPN campus in Connecticut.
She went on Mar's podcast and she told Mar that
when she interviewed President Biden in twenty twenty one, it
(32:13):
was quote the saddest thing because she thought he was
confused and quote couldn't finish his sentences. Okay, I think
I speak for everybody whoever co anchored with Sage Steel
on Sports Center when I say, or worked with her,
when I say, of course Biden couldn't finish his sentences,
she was talking to him and wherever and whenever you
(32:35):
talk to Sage Steele, she has never let anybody finish
their sentences. She constantly interrupts and talks over them. Steele
also mocked Biden to mar By telling of what went
on before their interview began, so I can hear him,
and he goes, what is this for? Wait, what's her name?
I was going, Oh, my god. Apart from the fact
(32:57):
that nobody knows who Sage Steel is, nor should the
president of the United States be expected to, it was
say Age Steele, who in twenty nineteen did not know
enough about open microphones and television and who might be
able to hear her before a show actually started, that
she chose that moment to insult and abuse me to
(33:17):
the producer a minute to air, and then when I
told her I could hear her, she laughed and pretended
she had not been talking about me. Steele mocked Biden
for telling stories of his career as an athlete. The interview,
of course, was for the pregame show for the opening
of the twenty twenty one baseball season. Also, what are
you going to talk to Sage Steele about policy? Quote?
(33:40):
I thought it was so sad because I realized that's
why he was in the basement during the whole election cycle,
because even then he couldn't finish his sentences. He struggled,
this is the kind of nitwit Sage Steele is she
read somewhere or had it read to her that Biden
quote was in the basement during the whole election cycle,
which he was not, even though there was a pandemic,
(34:01):
which evidently she does not believe was real. She was
told this, and as a good little Republican nitwit, she
believed it. And nowhere in any of her complaints about
Biden's on air performance was the recognition that the president
does have a speech impediment which comes out especially when
he's tired, and which is a pretty good explanation if
(34:22):
you seem to be struggling while doing an interview with
some witted sportscaster. Now, Sage Steele does not have a
speech impediment. Yet ESPN Sports Center producers and their bosses
and the executives and upper management explained to me the
first time I worked with her that the series of
pre recorded segments of play by play or interviews that
(34:45):
used to precede stories that she read on the show,
the so called stamps. There's a Tom Brady story, so
here's play by play for thirty seconds of Tom Brady.
That kind of thing they were put in the show
to make sure she had no opportunity to try to
talk to the other anchor or to add lib and
could I only read the script sitting in front of
(35:07):
her that was written for her. She has never said
anything ad lib that wasn't unbelievably stupid. We can't risk it,
one executive told me, And as to Bill Maher, who
platformed her, I don't think I'm telling anything out of
school here. Anybody who's met Bill Maher knows this. But
since my first appearance on one of his shows in
(35:28):
two thousand, I have been told by a series of
his producers never to bring any women with me to
the show because if they were attractive, he would hit
on them, and that if I couldn't understand why a
particular woman was one of his guests on one of
the shows I was appearing on, it was because he
was hitting on them, Sage Steele and Bill. I wonder
(35:53):
why he was interviewing Sage Steele, mar two Days Worst
Parsons and also Mo here's the number one story on
(36:15):
the Countdown, And since it is the weekend edition, it's
time for some James Thurber. The Catbirds Seat combines two
of my all time favorite things, Thurber and baseball broadcasting,
as Thurber will reveal in the story, The title comes
from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn Dodgers legendary announcer
Red Barber, the man who trained Vince Scully and is
(36:36):
my late friend Vin's only true competition for greatest baseball
play by playing man of all time. I met Red
Barber once I interviewed him for CNN. He called me
Keith throughout the interview. I was so starstruck. It's pretty
much all I remember from the interview. Anyway. Bert Lancaster
bought the movie rights to this story and he got
(36:59):
Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well, how come
you've never heard of this perfect sounding film, The Catbird Seat,
directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the rights and in
nineteen sixty the film was made, but they relocated it
from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellars dressed up as
(37:20):
an old man as mister Martin. It's okay unless you've
read the story or had it read to you from
the Thurber Carnival nineteen forty five, The Catbird Seat by
James Thurber. Mister Martin bought the pack of camels on
(37:40):
Monday night in the most crowded cigar store on Broadway.
It was theater time, and seven or eight men were
buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance at mister Martin,
who put the pack in his overcoat pocket and went out.
If any of the staff at F and S had
seen him buy the cigarettes, they would have been astonished,
(38:00):
for it was generally known that mister Martin did not smoke,
and never had. No one saw him. It was just
a week to the day since mister Martin had decided
to rub out missus old Jean Barrows. The term rub
out pleased him because it suggested nothing more than the
(38:20):
correction of an error, in this case, an error of
mister Fitweiler. Mister Martin had spent each night of the
past week working out his plan and examining it as
he walked home. Now he went over it again for
the hundredth time. He resented the element of imprecision, the
margin of guesswork that entered into the business. The project,
(38:44):
as he had worked it out, was casual and bold.
The risks were considerable. Something might go wrong anywhere along
the line, and therein lay the cunning of his scheme.
No one would ever see in the cautious, painstaking hand
of Irwin Martin, head of the filing department at f
(39:05):
and S, of whom mister Fitweiler had once said, man
is fallible, but Martin isn't. No one would see his hand,
that is, unless he were caught in the act. Sitting
in his apartment drinking a glass of milk, mister Martin
(39:25):
reviewed his case against missus Old Jean Barrows, as he
had every night for seven nights. He began at the beginning.
Her quacking voice and braying laugh had first profaned the
halls of FNS. On March seventh, nineteen forty one. Mister
Martin had a head for dates. Old Roberts, the personnel chief,
(39:47):
had introduced her as the newly appointed special advisor to
the president of the firm, mister Fitweiler. The woman had
appalled mister Martin instantly, but he had not shown it.
He had given her his dry hand, a look of
studious concentration, a faint smile. Well, she said, looking at
(40:08):
the papers on his desk, are you lifting the ox
cart out of the ditch. As mister Martin recalled that
moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly. He must keep
his mind, on her crimes as a special advisor, not
on her peccadillos as a personality. This he found difficult
to do. In spite of entering an objection and sustaining it.
(40:31):
The faults of the woman as a woman kept chattering
on in his mind like an unruly witness. She had
for almost two years now baited him in the halls,
in the elevator, even in his own office, into which
she romped now and then like a circus horse. She
was constantly shouting these silly questions at him. Are you
(40:54):
lifting the ox cart out of the ditch? Are you
tearing up the pea patch? Are you hollering down the
rain barrel? Are you scraping around the bottom of the
pickle barrel? Are you sitting in the catmirried seat. It
was Joey Hart, one of mister Martin's two assistants, who
(41:16):
had explained what the gibberish meant. She must be a
Dodger fan, he had said, Red Bob announces the Dodger
games over the radio, and he uses these expressions, picked
them up down south. Joey had gone on to explain
one or two tearing up the pea patch meant going
on a rampage. Sitting in the catbirds seat meant sitting
(41:39):
pretty like a batter with three balls and no strikes
on him. Mister Martin dismissed all this with an effort.
It had been annoying, it had driven him near to distraction,
but he was too solid a man to be moved
to murder by anything so childish. It was unfortunate, he reflected,
as he passed on to the important charges against Missus Barrows,
(42:03):
that he had stood up on it so well. He
had maintained always an outward appearance of polite tolerance. Why
I even believe you like the woman Mispaired, his other
assistant had once said to him, he had simply smiled
a gavel wrapped in mister Martin's mind, and the case
(42:24):
proper was resumed. Missus Aul Jean Barrows stood charged with wilful,
flatant and persistent attempts to destroy the efficiency and system
of fn S. It was confident material and relevant to
review her advent and rise to power. Mister Martin had
got the story from Miss Paired, who seemed always able
to find things out. According to her, Missus Barrows had
(42:48):
met mister Fitweller at a party where she had rescued
him from the embraces of a powerfully built, drunken man
who had mistaken the president of F and S for
a famous retired middle Western football coach. She had led
him to a sofa and somehow worked upon him a
monstrous magic. The aging gentleman had jumped to the conclusion
(43:13):
there and then that this was a woman of singular attainments,
equipped to bring out the best in him and in
the firm. A week later he had introduced her into
F and S as his special adviser. On that day,
Confusion got its foot in the door. After miss Tyson,
(43:36):
mister Brundage, and mister Bartlett had been fired and mister
Munson had taken his hat and stalked out mailing. In
his resignation letter, Old Roberts had been emboldened to speak
to mister Fitwiler. He mentioned that mister Munson's department had
become a little disrupted, and hadn't they perhaps better resumed
the old system there? Mister Fitwiler had said, certainly not.
(43:58):
He had the greatest faith in missus Barrow's ideas. They
require a little seasoning, all, he had added. Mister Roberts
had given it up. Mister Martin reviewed in detail all
the changes wrought by missus Barrow's She had begun chipping
at the cornices of the firm's edifice, and now she
was swinging at the foundation stones with a pickaxe. Mister
(44:23):
Martin came now in his summing up to the afternoon
of Monday, November two, nineteen forty two, just one week ago.
On that day, at three pm, Missus Barrows had bounced
into his office. Boo, she had yelled, are you scraping
around the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mister Martin had
looked at her from under his green eye shade, Seeing nothing,
(44:47):
she had begun to wander about the office, taking it
in with her great popping eyes. Do you really need
all these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly, mister Martin's
heart had jumped each of these fires, he had said,
keeping his voice even plays an indispensable part in the
(45:08):
system of f and s. She had brayed at him,
while don't tear up the pea patch and gone to
the door. From there she had bawled, but you sure
have got a lot of fines scrap in here, mister
Martin could no longer doubt that the finger was on
(45:29):
his beloved department. Her pick axe was on the upswing,
poised for the first blow. It had not come yet.
He had received no blue memo from the enchanted mister
Fitweler bearing nonsensical instructions deriving from this obscene woman. But
there was no doubt in mister Martin's mind that one
would be forthcoming. He must act quickly. Already a precious
(45:54):
week had gone by. Mister Martin stood up in his
living room, still holding his milk glass. Gentleman of the jury,
he said to himself, I demand the death penalty for
this horrible person. The next day, mister Martin followed his
(46:15):
routine as usual. He polished his glasses more often and
once sharpened an already sharp pencil. But not even mispaired noticed.
Only once did he catch sight of his victim. She
swept past him in the hall with the patronizing hai
at five point thirty. He walked home as usual and
had a glass of milk as usual. He had never
drunk anything stronger in his life, unless you could count
(46:39):
ginger Ale. The late Sam Schlosser, The s of F
and S had praised mister Martin at a staff meeting
several years before for his temperate habits. One of our
most efficient workers. Neither drinks nor smokes, He had said,
the results speak for themselves. Mister Fitwiler had sat by,
nodding approval. Mister Martin was still thinking about that red
(47:03):
letter day as he walked over to the Shafts restaurant
on Fifth Avenue near forty sixth Street. He got there
as he always did, at eight o'clock. He finished his
dinner and the financial page of the New York Sun
quartered at a nine. As he always did, it was
his custom after dinner to take a walk. This time
he walked down Fifth Avenue at a casual place. His
gloved hands felt moist and warm, his forehead cold. He
(47:28):
transferred the camels from his overcoat to a jacket pocket.
He wondered as he did so, if they did not
represent an unnecessary note of strain. Missus Sparrows smoked only luckies.
It was his idea to puff a few puffs on
a camel after the rubbing out, stub it out in
the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying luckies, and thus drag
(47:52):
a small red harring across the trail. Perhaps it was
not a good idea. It would take time. He might
even choke too loudly. J Martin had never seen the
house on West twelfth Street where Missus Barrows lived, but
he had a clear enough picture of it. Fortunately, she
had bragged to everybody about her ducky first floor apartment
(48:16):
in the perfectly darling three story red brick. There would
be no doorman or other attendants, just the tenants of
the second and third floors. As he walked along, mister
Martin realized that he would get there before nine thirty.
He had considered walking north on Fifth Avenue from Shrafts
to a point from which it would take him until
(48:36):
ten o'clock to reach the house. At that hour people
were less likely to be coming in or going out,
But the procedure would have made an awkward loop in
the straight thread of his casualness, and he had abandoned it.
It was impossible to figure when people would be entering
or leaving the house anyway, there was a great risk
at any hour if he ran into anybody, he would
(48:57):
simply have to place the rubbing out of old Jene
Barrows in the inactive file forever. The same thing would
hold true if there was someone in her apartment. In
that case, he would just say that he had been
passing by, recognized her charming house, and thought to drop in.
It was eighteen minutes after nine when mister Martin turned
(49:19):
into twelfth Street. A man passed him, and a man
and a woman talking. There was no one within fifty paces.
When he came to the house halfway down the block.
He was up the steps and in the small vestibule,
and no time pressing the bell under the card that
said missus Old Jean Barrows. When the clicking in the
locks started, he jumped forward against the door. He got
inside fast, closing the door behind him. A bulb in
(49:41):
a lantern hung from the hall ceiling on a chain
seemed to give a monstrously bright light. There was nobody
on the stair which went up ahead of him along
the left wall. A door opened down the hall on
the wall on the right. He went toward it, swiftly
on tiptoe. Now, for God's sakes, look who's here? Bald
Missus Barrows, and her braying laugh rang out like the
(50:04):
report of a u sh shotgun. He rushed past her
like a football attacker bumping her. Hey quit shoving, she said,
closing the door behind them. They were in her living room,
which seemed to mister Martin to be lighted by a
hundred lamps. What's after you? She said, here's jumpy as
a goat. He found he was unable to speak. His
(50:27):
heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes, he finally
brought out. She was jabbering and laughing as she started
to help him off with his coat. No, no, he said,
I'll put it here. He took it off and put
it on a chair near the door. Your hat and
gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house. He
(50:50):
put his hat on top of the coat. Missus Barrows
seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his gloves on.
I was passing by, he said, I recognized. Is there
anyone here? She laughed louder than ever. No, she said,
(51:10):
we're all alone. You're white as a sheet, you funny man.
Whatever has come over you, I'll mix you a toddy.
She started toward a door across the room. Scotch and
so to be all right, But say you don't drink,
do you? She turned and gave him her amused look.
Mister Martin pulled himself together. Scotch and soda will be
(51:31):
all right, he heard himself say. He could hear her
laughing in the kitchen. Mister Martin looked quickly around the
living room for the weapon he had counted on finding one.
There there were and irons, and a poker, and something
in a corner that looked like an Indian club. None
of them would do it, couldn't be that way. He
began to pace around. He came to a desk. On
(51:53):
it lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle.
Would it be sharp enough? He reached for it and
knocked over a small brass jar. Stamps spilled out of
it and fell onto the floor with a hey. Missus
Barrows yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up the
pea patch? Mister Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking up
(52:15):
the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Missus Barrows reappeared
carrying two high balls, mister Martin, standing there with his
gloves on, became acutely conscious of the fantasy. He had
wrought cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him.
(52:37):
It was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind,
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For heaven's sake, take off
those gloves, said missus Barrows. I always wear them in
(53:00):
the house, said mister Martin. The idea began to bloom,
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mister
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
(53:20):
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him, Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a drink and a cigarette. Mister Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the highball.
(53:41):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
wind bag fit whiler, he said, and gulped again. The
stuff tasted awful, but he made no grimace. Really, mister Martin,
she said, her voice and posture changing. You are insulting
our employer. Missus Barrows was now all Special advisor to
(54:07):
the President. I am preparing a bomb, said mister Martin,
which will blow the old goat higher than hell. He
had only had a little of the drink, which was
not strong. It couldn't be that. Do you take dope
or something, Missus Barrows asked coldly. Heroine said, mister Martin.
(54:28):
I'll be coked to the gills when I bumped that
old buzzard off. Mister Martin, She shouted, getting to her feet,
that will be all of that. You must go at once.
Mister Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped
his cigarette out in the ash tray and put the
pack of camels on the coffee table. Then he got up.
She stood glaring at him. He walked over and put
(54:51):
on his hat and coat. Not a word about this,
he said, and laid an index finger against his lips.
All Missus Barrows could bring out was a really Mister
Martin put his hand on the doorknob. I'm sitting in
the catbird's seat, he said. He stuck his tongue out
(55:12):
at her and left. Nobody saw him go. Mister Martin
got to his apartment walking well before eleven. No one
saw him go in. He had two glasses of milk
after brushing his teeth, and he felt elated. It wasn't
tipsy in is, because he hadn't been tipsy anyway. The
(55:33):
walk had worn off all effects of the whiskey. He
got in bed and read a magazine for a while.
He was asleep before midnight. Mister Martin got to the
office at eight thirty the next morning as usual. At
a quarter to nine, old Jean Barrows, who had never
before arrived at work before ten, swept into his office.
I'm reparting to mister fitweler now, she shouted. If he
(55:55):
turns you over to the police, it's no more than
you deserve. Mister Martin gave her a look of shocked surprise.
I beg your pardon, he said, missus Barrow snorted and
bounced out of the room, leaving Miss Paird and Joey
Hart staring after her. What's the matter with that old devil, now,
asked Miss Paired. I have no idea, said mister Martin,
(56:18):
resuming his work. The other two looked at him, and
then at each other. Miss Paired got up and went out.
She walked slowly past the closed door of mister Fitweiler's office.
Missus Barrows was yelling inside, but she was not braying.
Miss paired could not hear what the woman was saying.
She went back to her desk. Forty five minutes later,
(56:40):
Missus Barrows left the President's office and went into her own,
shutting the door. It wasn't until half an hour later
that mister Fitweiler sent for mister Martin, the head of
the filing department. Neat quiet, attentive, stood in front of
the old man's desk. Mister Fitweiler was pale and nervous.
He took his glasses off and twiddled them. He made
(57:00):
a small ruffing sound in his throat. Martin, He said,
you have been with us more than twenty years. Twenty two, sir,
said mister Martin, in that time pursued the President. Your
work and your manner have been exemplary. I trust so, sir,
(57:22):
said mister Martin. I have understood, Martin, said mister Fitwaller,
that you have never taken a drink or smoked. That
is correct, sir, said mister Martin. Ah, yes, mister Fitwiler
polished his glasses. You may describe what you did after
leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, sir, he said,
(57:46):
I walked home. Then I went to Shafts for dinner. Afterward,
I walked home again. I went to bed early, sir,
and read a magazine for a while. I was asleep
before eleven. Ah. Yes, said mister Fitwiler. Again. He was
silent for a moment, searching for the proper words to
say to the head of the filing department, Missus Barrows.
(58:09):
He said, finally, Missus Barrows has worked hard, Martin, very hard.
It brings me to report that she has suffered a
severe breakdown. It has taken the form of a persecution
complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir, said
mister Martin. Missus Barrows is under the delusion, continued mister Fitwiler,
(58:35):
that you visited her last evening and behaved yourself in
an unseemly manner. He raised his hand to silence mister
Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature of these
psychological diseases, mister Fitwiler said, to fix upon the least
likely and most innocent party as the source of persecution.
(58:58):
These matters are not for the lay mind to grasp. Martin.
I've just had my psychiatrist, doctor Fitch, on the phone.
He would not, of course commit himself, but he made
enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I suggested to missus Barrows,
when she had completed her story to me this morning,
(59:20):
that she visited doctor Fitch for I suspected a condition.
At what sentence she flew, I regret to say, into
a rage and demanded requested that I call you on
the carpet. You may not know, Martin, but Missus Barrows
had planned a reorganization of your department, subject to my approval.
(59:41):
Of course, subject to my approval. This brought you, rather
than anyone else to her mind. But again, that is
a phenomenon for doctor Fitch and not for us. So Martin,
I'm afraid Missus Barrow's usefulness here is at an end.
I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, said mister Martin. It was at
(01:00:04):
this point that the door to the office blew open
with the suddenness of a gas main explosion, and Missus
Barrows catapulted through. It is the little rad denying it.
She screamed, he can't get away with that. Mister Martin
got up and moved discreetly to a point beside mister
Fitwailer's chair. You drank and smoked at my apartment, she
(01:00:26):
bawled at mister Martin, and you know it. You called
mister Fitweiler an old wind bag and said you were
gonna blow him up when you got coked to your
gills on your heroine. She stopped yelling to catch her breath,
and a new glint came into her popping eyes. If
you weren't set to drab, ordinary little man, she said,
I'd think you'd planned it all, sticking your tongue out,
(01:00:50):
saying you were sitting in the cat buried seat because
you thought no one would believe me when I told it.
My god, it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically,
and the fury was on again. She glared at mister Fitweiler.
Can't you see how he has checked us, you old fool.
(01:01:11):
Can't you see his little game? But mister Fitwiler had
been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under the top of
his desk, and employees of F and S began pouring
into the room. Stockton said, Missus Fitchwiler, you and Fishbine
will take missus Barrows to her home. Missus Powell, you
will go with them. Stockton, who had played a little
(01:01:31):
football in high school, blocked Missus Barrows as she made
for mister Martin. It took him and fish Mine together
to force her out of the door. Into the hall,
crowded with stenographers and office boys. She was still screaming
imprecations at mister Martin, tangled and contradictory imprecations. The hubbub
finally died out down the corridor. I regret that this
(01:01:55):
has happened, said mister Fitwiler. I shall ask you to
dismiss it from your mind. Martin, Yes, sir, said miss Martin,
anticipating his chiefs that will be all. By moving to
the door, I will dismiss it. He went out and
shut the door, and his step was light and quick
(01:02:19):
in the hall. When he entered his department, he had
slowed down to his customary gate, and he walked quietly
across the room to the double twenty file, wearing a
look of studious concentration. From the Thurber cannival the Catbird
Seat by James Thurber. I've done all the damage I
(01:02:55):
can do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown has come
to you from the Vin Scully Studio at the Elberman
Broadcasting Empire in New York. The music you heard was
for the most part, arranged, produced, and performed by the
Countdown musical directors John Phillip Scheneale and Brian Ray. Brian
Ray handled guitars, bass, and drums. John Phillip Schanel did
the orchestration and keyboards. It was produced by Tko Brothers.
(01:03:18):
Other music, including other Beethoven songs the hits of seventeen
seventy six, were arranged and performed by No Horns Allowed.
The sports music is courtesy ESPN, Inc. And was written
by Mitch Warren Davis. We call it the Olderman theme
from ESPN two. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are
by Nancy Fauss, the best baseball stadium morganist ever. Our
(01:03:40):
announcer today was my friend Dennis Leary. Everything else was
pretty much my fault. So that's Countdown for this the
one thousand and fourth day since Donald Trump's first attempted
coup against the democratically elected government of the United States
convict him now while we still can. The next scheduled
countdown is Tuesday Bolton's as the news warrants till then,
(01:04:00):
I'm Keith Olderman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and
good luck. Countdown with Keith Oldman is a production of iHeartRadio.
(01:04:22):
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Donald
Trump is, for all intents and purposes, a foreign spy
(00:26):
acting on behalf of Australia, and he should be treated
as we treat spies in this country, arrested, detained without bail,
treated as the threat to national security that they are,
and held as long as is necessary. Since the marri
Lago Trump Stolen classified documents nightmare broke upon US fourteen
(00:46):
months ago, the nightmare within the nightmare has been simple
and chilling. What if Trump took the secrets of the
United States of America and shared them with foreign governments
or foreign nationals or other foreigns buys? And now we
(01:07):
know that he has, and now we know that he
has violated the Espionage Act, has given away information about
our submarines that, according to New York Times sources, quote,
potentially endangered the US nuclear fleet. And the new mystery
is why has he not been charged with a violation
(01:29):
of eighteen US Code, Chapter thirty seven, Section seventy nine
to four gathering or delivering defense information to aid foreign governments?
And why is he not now facing quote imprisonment for
any term of years or for life unquote. We know
the name of the man Trump delivered defense information too.
(01:51):
We know his nationality, we know when and where Trump
delivered the information to him, we know what the information
delivered was. We know that Jack Smith's investigators know about
it and interviewed the man at least twice. And we
know who the man, in turn, shared the top secret
information with. It totals at least forty five other people,
including three of his home country's former prime ministers. ABC
(02:17):
News broke this story last night, and it is not
just astounding, it is astounding that it has not and
will not wipe out every other trivial news story currently
being regurgitated by the compliant media of this country. ABC's
sources report that in April twenty twenty one, which would
(02:39):
be let me see, roughly three months after Trump lost
any protections of the presidency, reel Or imagined a member
at Marri Lago, a balding Australian named Anthony Pratt with
orange hair bearing a startling resemblance to a baby orangutan,
approached Trump there quote looking to make conversation with him.
(03:03):
Pratt is a Australian billionaire, head of Pratt Industries, one
of the world's largest makers of corrugated packaging based in Georgia.
Pratt told Smith's investigators that he and Trump had discussed
one particular topic before, so that was his go to
move in the conversation. Starting at Mary Lago quote, he
(03:26):
brought up the American submarine fleet. What Anthony Pratt says
Trump told him about the American submarine fleet. Pratt would
then share with eleven of his own company's employees, ten
assorted Australian officials, six journalists, and the three former Australian
Prime ministers. And there are seven living former Australian Prime ministers.
(03:48):
So I guess we can count our blessings that the
secret submarine information did not reach a majority of them,
or reach Rupert Burdock or Nicole Kidman or the late
Dame Edna Everidge. Pratt brings up the American submarine fleet
and let me just read directly from the ABC report quote.
According to Pratt's account, as described by the sources, Pratt
(04:12):
told Trump he believed Australia should start buying its submarines
from the United States, to which an excited Trump, leaning
toward Pratt as if to be discreet, then told Pratt
two pieces of information about US submarines, the supposed exact
number of nuclear warheads they routinely carry, and exactly how
(04:35):
close they supposedly can get to a Russian submarine without
being detected. While Pratt told investigators he couldn't tell if
what Trump said about US submarines was real or just bluster,
investigators nevertheless asked Pratt not to repeat the numbers that
Trump allegedly told him, suggesting the information could be too
sensitive to relay further. A former Trump marri Lago employee
(04:59):
then told investigators that within minutes of Trump telling Pratt,
Pratt began tell a well everybody else in the world.
The Trump employee told the investigators that he was quote
bothered and shocked to hear Trump blurt out such secrets
to a foreign national. Pratt and the Trump employee agreed.
Trump did not show anybody any documents about this. Pratt
(05:23):
insists he only told the Australian government, evidently everybody in
the Australian government, evidently many who merely used to be
in the Australian government. He only told them because he
was advocating for his native country to buy the American submarines,
and ultimately it did buy them, and contemporaneous with giving
away the secret details of how stealthy they are and
(05:44):
how many nuclear warheads they can carry. Trump also told
Fox Business Channel that the US has quote the greatest
submarines in the world, the most powerful machines ever built,
and nobody knows where they are. Well, Anthony Pratt knows
where they are, and presumably the last three conservative Prime
Ministers of Australia Morris Turnbull a habit. They know where
(06:06):
they are, as do the eleven Pratt employees and the
ten officials and the six journalists. Trump gave away our
nuclear submarine secrets to a guy who makes corrugated boxes.
It doesn't matter if Australia has largely been a close
(06:26):
ally of this nation. It doesn't matter if Pratt invested
in plants in this country. It doesn't matter if Trump
attended the opening of a Pratt plant in Ohio in
twenty nineteen. It doesn't matter if, as The Times reports,
Pratt is on the list of possible witnesses in Trump's
Florida trial. It matters that after Trump was elected, Pratt
bought a membership at Marilago to gain access to the
(06:49):
prostitute President of the United States, and he got the access,
and he got it in spades. And he says he
visited Mari Lago ten times, and he once had dinner
with Trump and a US senator nearby, and he got
into the White House while one of the Prime ministers
was there. God knows which. I wonder if Pratt keeps
them straight in his own mind by remembering which ones
(07:10):
he told about American nuclear submarine secrets and which ones
he did not. None of that matters. What matters is
Trump compulsively shot off his big bazoo at his crap
shack country club to a guy who makes corrugated boxes,
and he was overheard doing so by one of his
(07:33):
employees at the club, by at least one of his
employees at the club. God knows who else heard him
that time. God knows who else heard him all the
other times. Whoever, with intent or reason to believe that
(07:53):
it is to be used to the injury of the
United States or to the advantage of a foreign nation, communicates, delivers,
or transmits to any foreign government, or to any representative, officer, agent, employees, subject,
or citizen thereof any document writing codebook, signal book, sketch, photograph, photographic, negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, note, instrument, appliance,
(08:22):
or information relating to the national defense shall be punished
by imprisonment for any term of years or for life.
It's espionage. Donald Trump committed espionage. He is not merely
trying to burn down representative government in this country again,
(08:44):
but in his spare time over these last three years,
he has been committing espionage. And he is, for all
intents and purposes, a foreign agent of at least one
other country, Australia. And when we find agents of other
countries who trade in information about how many nuclear warheads
can fit into one of our submarines, or how close
(09:06):
our submarines can get to the Russian submarines without the
Russians finding out they are there, we arrest those agents
and we keep them detained without bail, and if we
can arrange it, we keep them there for the rest
of their lives. And the government, no matter what the
fallout to this might be, needs to arrest Donald Trump
(09:28):
today for espionage, for spying on behalf of a foreign nation,
and we need to keep him detained without bail. And
instead of that, instead of hearing of Trump's arrest as
the spy he is. We hear instead that Trump attorneys
(09:49):
in Florida have filed a motion in Judge Aileen Cannon's
court seeking to delay his trial for stealing those documents
and giving them and the information they contain to everybody
in Australia except crocodile effing done. He wants it delayed
from May of next year until December of next year
(10:11):
because the secure facility assigned to the case is not
ready and thus he cannot access the classified documents central
to his case. And why doesn't he just get them
from Anthony Pratt? And instead of his arrest as a spy,
we hear that Trump attorneys John Laurow and Todd Blanche
(10:31):
have filed a motion in district court in Washington to
dismiss the entirety of the January sixth case because of
something they made up called presidential immunity, which I guess
you get from drinking bleach and eating light bulbs. Because
(10:52):
trying to seat fake electors and overturn illegal election and
usurp the presidency and stay in power illegally, they are
quote within the heartland of a president's official duties or
at least within the quote outer perimeter, and Trump was
only trying to enforce the election laws. And I have
(11:14):
two questions for mister Laurow and mister Blanche. How much
money is it taking to get you to represent a
trader and a spy like Trump? And secondly, did you
get it in advance, you whores? If these infuriating attempts
to stall so that the greatest criminal in American history
(11:35):
can get away with it again were insufficiently enraging messr's
Laurow and Blanche have added that because the Senate did
not convict Trump in his second impeachment after his coup attempts,
that acquittal renders Trump quote absolutely immune from any prosecution
for January sixth, which is exactly the opposite of what
(11:55):
his apologists said in January of twenty twenty one, and
exactly the opposite of what the Senate Majority leader Mitch
McConnell said as Trump was not being can victed, that
these matters were properly within the realm of criminal prosecution
and the criminal courts. And most infuriatingly, still, instead of
heading to jail as a spy, Trump may instead be
(12:21):
heading to the US Capital to create another campaign stunt
event by standing for the vacant speakership of the House.
He says he'd fill the job temporarily until they can
find a permanent one because he's a unifier, or he's
pretending to stand for the post until he realizes the
(12:42):
Speaker of the House has to actually work and not
just despite the title speak. Trump headed back to the
US Capital, proving the oldest cliche that the criminal always
returns to the scene of the crime, honest to God.
(13:07):
In a sane country, the debate right now would be
a jurisdictional battle. Who among you gets to arrest and
detain Trump first, the Department of Homeland Security or Judge
Chutkin in Washington for violating the terms of his bail,
or Judge Engron in New York for violating the gag order. Again. Trump,
(13:30):
attacking the judge's clerk on Tuesday, told to not again
do that or publicly refer to anybody on the judge's staff,
slandered the judge himself on Wednesday. Did that again yesterday
six forty four am Eastern. Another post on his crapshack
social media quote a radical left judge who came up
through Democrat club system. Then at seven oh eighty had
(13:50):
another brilliant thought quote a highly political judge, Judge Angron.
If you do not punish him, you are saying the
law does not apply to Trump. And if you say
the law does not apply to Trump, then it is
no law at all, and you are merely increasing the
chances that he regains power and uses it to punish
anyone who crossed him. And I hate to tell you this, Judge,
(14:12):
but that doesn't just mean me, It means you. This
has been grim stuff so far, so I think we
should let ourselves really enjoy the remainder of the news.
The news that someone has picked up on the rather
obvious Trump mistake that if he paid taxes on a
(14:34):
club that he owned on the basis that it's worth
twenty six million dollars, and now in court he insists
it's worth one billion, five hundred million dollars. Trump probably
owes the state of Florida some money. Congressman Jared Moskowitz
of that state has written to the assessor of Palm
Beach County noting the slight discrepancy. It's just a billion,
(14:57):
four hundred and seventy four million it's chump change if
you're a balding, orange haired Australian box manufacturer. If the
property value of Marri Lago is so much higher than
it was appraised, asked the congressman, will you be amending
the property value in line with the Trump family's belief
that the property is worth well over a billion dollars?
(15:20):
Thank you, congressman. Meanwhile, back in DC, let me circle
back to the speakership and this assumption that the Republicans,
who have proved time and time again that if there
are no more Democrats to attack other Republicans will do
just as well for Republican target practice, that they will
actually elect a successor to Kevin McCarthy someday says who
(15:44):
they are so utterly incapable of anything except conflict that
they let a handful of derelicts like Gates and Mace
and Burchett and Bob Good. They let eight scumbags grind
their majority's time in power to a halt. Who are
(16:06):
we thinking is going to compromise here? They may all
be too afraid to turn Trump down, but this still
assumes Trump is serious about being speaker. And I'm sorry,
I don't see cash for him to pick up or
secret documents for him to steal as speaker or to
put it in his terms. I just to see what's
in it for him. He's the sucker, isn't he? Also,
(16:30):
we do not want the Republicans to elect a new
speaker because the little bow tide snotrag they have in
there now is an acting speaker. And guess what does
not count in the presidential line of succession right now?
That line of succession is Vice President Kamala Harris, and
(16:51):
then Senate President Pro Temporary Patty Murray, and then a
bunch of members of the Biden cabinet until the Republicans
choose their next future X speaker. The line of succession
is free of Republicans scum good. Three more legal larfs.
(17:15):
Trump sued Michael Cohen for five hundred million dollars for
allegedly violating attorney client privilege. It was just getting to
depositions Trump was supposed to sit next Monday. Trump's withdrawing
the suit without prejudice, meaning he can file it again later.
Only he won't because it's not just without prejudice, it's
without substance, but it's with a Trump deposition meantime, Sidney
(17:39):
Powell was again eaten by her own kraken. Again, the
judge in Georgia has denied her motion to dismiss her
Trump nineteen indictment based on prosecutorial misconduct that, like everything
else she has ever spoken of, evidently only she could see.
And best of all, as of yesterday morning, Mike Lindell
(18:02):
was being sued by Dominion Vote Machines for one billion,
three hundred million dollars for defamation, and he was being
sued by Smart Mattic voting machines for something unspecified but
close to one billion, three hundred million dollars. But then
things went downhill for Mike. His attorneys, Lewin and Lewin
(18:23):
and Parker Daniel's Kiboard LLC, have asked the judges in
the cases to let them withdraw as counsel for Lindell
and my Pillow. They are intimating that he has pulled
a Rudy Giuliani on them, that he owes them millions
(18:44):
of dollars in unpaid legal fees, and that now they
will have to sue him and my pillow. Well sheet
also of interest here, remember Madison Cawthorn, Remember what the
(19:07):
other Republicans did to Madison Cawthorn, Well, I can tell you,
without fear of contradiction, that they are now starting to
do exactly the same things to Matt Gates. They are
Cawthorning Matt Gates. So go make the popcorn. That's next.
This is countdown. This is countdown with Keith Olberman. Postscripts
(19:39):
to the news, some headlines, some updates, some snarks, some predictions. Dateline, Washington.
The Republicans are Cawthorning Matt Gates. Remember Madison Cawthorn, the
far right congress troll who evidently went too far for
his own party when he revealed drug fueled Republican congressional
sex parties, and the next thing he knew, there were
(20:01):
two hundred and twenty seven photos going viral of him
wearing address. Gates led the ouster of Speaker Kevin McCarthy
over the wishes of all but seven other House Republicans,
and they are ready to expel him from the Republican party,
along with the other seven who voted against McCarthy, including Nancy.
(20:23):
I'll even get out of bed for this, Mace. Congressman
David Joyce of Ohio says, quote if it was up
to me, I'd vote for it. It's a waste of
time having conversations with these people. He's so close. I
never thought Congressman leopard of face eating City, Florida would
eat my face. While other Republicans have warned they will
(20:45):
vote to expel Gates not just from the party but
from Congress itself if he's found guilty by the Ethics Committee,
the hints about that are now beginning to drop. In fact,
they're beginning to reign. Former Mike Pence Chief of staff
Mark Short said quote to say he came here as
a fiscal crusader. It's more likely he came here for
(21:08):
the teenage interns on Capitol Hill. Unquote, thank you, Nancy
(21:36):
Faust and former Congressman now Senator Mark Wayne Mullen of Oklahoma.
And seriously, Senator, what kind of name is that? Either
your Mark or your Wayne? Anyway, Senator Mullen added quote,
we had all seen the videos he was showing on
the house floor of the girls that he had slept with.
(21:57):
He'd brag about how he would crush ed medicine and
chase it with an energy drink so he could go
all night. Gates's reply to that quote, this is a lie,
a lie, which part Matt you mean it wasn't an
energy drink? Thank you again, Nancy Faust. Do you see
(22:35):
what we did there? Dateline Washington? Why is this country
going to hell? Or has already gone there? Reason number
three or four out of the top ten. The news
media has lost any understanding of what it is here for.
Politico playbook on the Speaker of the House favorite Steve Scalise,
always smiling and quick to joke. Scalise is the type
(22:57):
of politician you end up drinking too much wine with
at a steakhouse. We shouldn't be drinking with any politician,
you politico ninnies. Your job is to go cover them.
Your job is to, if necessary, expose them. Your job
is not, repeat, not never, to end up drinking too
much wine with them at a steakhouse and dayvine the
(23:22):
White House after biting yet another Secret Service agent, the
Biden rescue dog commander has been relocated. We do not
have details. I am hoping they relocated him to become
head of the Secret Service. Still, this does give Republicans
the opportunity to finally boast that after two years, have
tried to do nothing else they have finally gotten a
(23:46):
Biden out of the White House. This is Sportscentate. Wait,
not anymore, this is countdown with Keith Alberman in sports
(24:14):
Dick Butkus has died. There was never a better middle linebacker,
and never a National Football League player with a tougher reputation,
and never an NFL defensive player who more completely defined
an era in his franchise's history. Born in Chicago, starred
at the University of Illinois, third pick in the nineteen
sixty five draft, and five times first team All Pro
(24:35):
in just nine seasons for the Chicago Bears. Butckus died
in his sleep at his home in southern California. You
will hear stuff like that all day today. But Dick
Butkus was also intensely intelligent, well read, funny, and scrupulously
ethical in an era when that was not commonplace. I
(24:56):
knew him. We sat opposite each other during a five
hour flight from New York to Los Angeles one day
in nineteen eighty nine when he was doing color commentary
for CBS Football, and the moment he sat down, he
pulled a book out of his bag and began to
read it. During takeoff over the East coast through the Heartland.
He was still reading this new football book that I
(25:18):
had heard the NFL was trying to kill. It was
about the history of the game and organized crime. It
was called Interference by Dan Mouldea. For several hours, all
I heard out of Dick Buckus, sitting not five feet
from me, was a series of profound grunts. Somewhere over
(25:39):
like Topeka. He finally closed the book, ran his hands
over his lips and looked at me, and he barked,
you do the sports in LA right for our station.
I nodded, yes, We shook hands. He flapped the book
at me. You read this yet? I nodded, No, read it?
He commanded, It's about everybody I've ever known, and God
(25:59):
damn it, it's all true. Dick Buckus did not say
another word. The last I ever saw of him, he
was dancing nimbly, and he was six foot three and
at least two hundred and fifty pounds, dancing nimbly down
a very tiny set of stairs onto the tarmac at Lax,
all the while still reading that book and still brunting. Recently,
(26:23):
he and I had corresponded. Dick wanted to know if
I was taking care of myself or if the political
world was wearing me down, and how I should look
out for that. He had tweeted his selfie from the
Bears first game last month. He looked terrific. There was
a lot going on inside the big Man. Dick Budkus
would have been eighty one years old in December. From
(26:45):
Baseball mid reports of some kind of scandal over some
kind of improper use of the injury list. Ooh, the
general manager of the New York Mets, Billy Eppler, has resigned.
My friend Steve Gelbs, the in game reporter for the
Mets telecast, tweeted this news by noting, quote in a
shocking move, Well, what's shocking about it? I told you
(27:08):
Tuesday Billy Eppler would be gone because Epler had just
fired the Mets manager, Buck Showalter, on the premise that
the team had just hired a new president of baseball operations,
David Stearns. And to forgive me quote myself, the premise was,
Stearns gets to choose his own baseball people. If I'm
general manager Billy Eppler, I'm thinking, wait, I'm in baseball
(27:31):
and I'm a people. Am I going to get fired too. Wait,
what's that look on Billy's face? Meanwhile, in a genuinely
shocking move, the New York Post newspaper, Well, that's an exaggeration.
The New York Post has defended pitcher Trevor Bauer, suspended
for two years by Major League Baseball and then thrown
out of Japanese Baseball after a series of women had
(27:52):
accused him of battery and violence and sexual style assault.
Quote media lynch mob was way off in ex MLB
star Trevor Bauer's rape case. Read the headline than the
art in The New York Post featured one story of
one accuser and asked where does Trevor Bauer go to
get his reputation back? Seems to me the Post needs
(28:15):
to worry instead about getting its reputation back right now,
it is the paper that has defended the appalling athlete
Trevor Bauer. Well ex athlete. Stell ahead on countdown that
(28:52):
which combines Thurber and Red Barber and baseball and non
attempted murder The catbird Seat by James Thurber first time
for the daily roundup of the miss Greens, Morons and
Dunning Kruger effect specimens who constitute today's worst persons in
the world, the bronze in this world of republicans believing
(29:14):
neither in a democracy or a republic or representative government,
you tend to no longer notice places like Fox that
have been cheating and lying and advocating for fascism for years,
but every once in a while they earn their way
back onto this list. Yesterday morning, Fox and Friends joined
the apparent decision by the Propaganda Channel to abandon ron DeSantis'
(29:37):
presidential candidacy to instead try to buttress that of Nikki Haley.
They interviewed a quote Republican voter and Air Force veteran
from New Hampshire named Melinda Taranjo to explain why she
switched to supporting Haley and why Haley's doing so well
in New Hampshire. And she gushed and talked about Haley,
(29:57):
this and Haley that. Not once did anybody mention that
the guest Melinda Taranjo, is New Hampshire state co chair
of Nikki Haley for President. What a coincidence? Fox, What
a coincidence? Honestly nationalized News corp Seize them and replace
all the programming on all their networks with refeeds of PBS,
(30:23):
the runners up Target stores. They've announced they are closing
nine of their retail stores across the nation, and they
have fed this Republican trope that the law has failed
and they had to do this because of out of
control shoplifters. And it turns out sure looks like Target
is lying the new site. Popular Information analyzed some of
the closures. The store Target is closing in Harlem had
(30:46):
the lowest number of shoplifting reports of all of its
stores in Upper Manhattan this year. The store Target is
closing in San Francisco, same thing, twenty three shoplifting episodes.
Another store that they're keeping open nearby, three to eighty
five Seattle, same thing. This looks like Target made some
bad overstock decisions and it's trying to make it look
(31:08):
like it's not being run by a bunch of idiots
and instead blaming those awful liberal cities. Also, why are
you shopping at Target? But our winners Sage Steel and
Bill Maher. These are not the worst two people I've
ever worked with out of the twenty or thirty thousand,
but they are top ten and one event in which
(31:31):
they screw something up this big together there ought to
be a holiday, declared Steele, who got fired by ESPN
after she attacked President Obama for identifying as black and
attacked the network's COVID vaccine nation requirements, and because they
had not fired her over the previous fourteen years she
worked there, to which I say, bravo you ESPN executives
(31:53):
and staffers. Your bravery is more than I could have achieved.
Steele is now being pitched as a Republican candidate for
the areas surrounding, but not include, the ESPN campus in Connecticut.
She went on Mar's podcast and she told Mar that
when she interviewed President Biden in twenty twenty one, it
(32:13):
was quote the saddest thing because she thought he was
confused and quote couldn't finish his sentences. Okay, I think
I speak for everybody whoever co anchored with Sage Steel
on Sports Center when I say, or worked with her,
when I say, of course Biden couldn't finish his sentences,
she was talking to him and wherever and whenever you
(32:35):
talk to Sage Steele, she has never let anybody finish
their sentences. She constantly interrupts and talks over them. Steele
also mocked Biden to mar By telling of what went
on before their interview began, so I can hear him,
and he goes, what is this for? Wait, what's her name?
I was going, Oh, my god. Apart from the fact
(32:57):
that nobody knows who Sage Steel is, nor should the
president of the United States be expected to, it was
say Age Steele, who in twenty nineteen did not know
enough about open microphones and television and who might be
able to hear her before a show actually started, that
she chose that moment to insult and abuse me to
(33:17):
the producer a minute to air, and then when I
told her I could hear her, she laughed and pretended
she had not been talking about me. Steele mocked Biden
for telling stories of his career as an athlete. The interview,
of course, was for the pregame show for the opening
of the twenty twenty one baseball season. Also, what are
you going to talk to Sage Steele about policy? Quote?
(33:40):
I thought it was so sad because I realized that's
why he was in the basement during the whole election cycle,
because even then he couldn't finish his sentences. He struggled,
this is the kind of nitwit Sage Steele is she
read somewhere or had it read to her that Biden
quote was in the basement during the whole election cycle,
which he was not, even though there was a pandemic,
(34:01):
which evidently she does not believe was real. She was
told this, and as a good little Republican nitwit, she
believed it. And nowhere in any of her complaints about
Biden's on air performance was the recognition that the president
does have a speech impediment which comes out especially when
he's tired, and which is a pretty good explanation if
(34:22):
you seem to be struggling while doing an interview with
some witted sportscaster. Now, Sage Steele does not have a
speech impediment. Yet ESPN Sports Center producers and their bosses
and the executives and upper management explained to me the
first time I worked with her that the series of
pre recorded segments of play by play or interviews that
(34:45):
used to precede stories that she read on the show,
the so called stamps. There's a Tom Brady story, so
here's play by play for thirty seconds of Tom Brady.
That kind of thing they were put in the show
to make sure she had no opportunity to try to
talk to the other anchor or to add lib and
could I only read the script sitting in front of
(35:07):
her that was written for her. She has never said
anything ad lib that wasn't unbelievably stupid. We can't risk it,
one executive told me, And as to Bill Maher, who
platformed her, I don't think I'm telling anything out of
school here. Anybody who's met Bill Maher knows this. But
since my first appearance on one of his shows in
(35:28):
two thousand, I have been told by a series of
his producers never to bring any women with me to
the show because if they were attractive, he would hit
on them, and that if I couldn't understand why a
particular woman was one of his guests on one of
the shows I was appearing on, it was because he
was hitting on them, Sage Steele and Bill. I wonder
(35:53):
why he was interviewing Sage Steele, mar two Days Worst
Parsons and also Mo here's the number one story on
(36:15):
the Countdown, And since it is the weekend edition, it's
time for some James Thurber. The Catbirds Seat combines two
of my all time favorite things, Thurber and baseball broadcasting,
as Thurber will reveal in the story, The title comes
from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn Dodgers legendary announcer
Red Barber, the man who trained Vince Scully and is
(36:36):
my late friend Vin's only true competition for greatest baseball
play by playing man of all time. I met Red
Barber once I interviewed him for CNN. He called me
Keith throughout the interview. I was so starstruck. It's pretty
much all I remember from the interview. Anyway. Bert Lancaster
bought the movie rights to this story and he got
(36:59):
Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well, how come
you've never heard of this perfect sounding film, The Catbird Seat,
directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the rights and in
nineteen sixty the film was made, but they relocated it
from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellars dressed up as
(37:20):
an old man as mister Martin. It's okay unless you've
read the story or had it read to you from
the Thurber Carnival nineteen forty five, The Catbird Seat by
James Thurber. Mister Martin bought the pack of camels on
(37:40):
Monday night in the most crowded cigar store on Broadway.
It was theater time, and seven or eight men were
buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance at mister Martin,
who put the pack in his overcoat pocket and went out.
If any of the staff at F and S had
seen him buy the cigarettes, they would have been astonished,
(38:00):
for it was generally known that mister Martin did not smoke,
and never had. No one saw him. It was just
a week to the day since mister Martin had decided
to rub out missus old Jean Barrows. The term rub
out pleased him because it suggested nothing more than the
(38:20):
correction of an error, in this case, an error of
mister Fitweiler. Mister Martin had spent each night of the
past week working out his plan and examining it as
he walked home. Now he went over it again for
the hundredth time. He resented the element of imprecision, the
margin of guesswork that entered into the business. The project,
(38:44):
as he had worked it out, was casual and bold.
The risks were considerable. Something might go wrong anywhere along
the line, and therein lay the cunning of his scheme.
No one would ever see in the cautious, painstaking hand
of Irwin Martin, head of the filing department at f
(39:05):
and S, of whom mister Fitweiler had once said, man
is fallible, but Martin isn't. No one would see his hand,
that is, unless he were caught in the act. Sitting
in his apartment drinking a glass of milk, mister Martin
(39:25):
reviewed his case against missus Old Jean Barrows, as he
had every night for seven nights. He began at the beginning.
Her quacking voice and braying laugh had first profaned the
halls of FNS. On March seventh, nineteen forty one. Mister
Martin had a head for dates. Old Roberts, the personnel chief,
(39:47):
had introduced her as the newly appointed special advisor to
the president of the firm, mister Fitweiler. The woman had
appalled mister Martin instantly, but he had not shown it.
He had given her his dry hand, a look of
studious concentration, a faint smile. Well, she said, looking at
(40:08):
the papers on his desk, are you lifting the ox
cart out of the ditch. As mister Martin recalled that
moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly. He must keep
his mind, on her crimes as a special advisor, not
on her peccadillos as a personality. This he found difficult
to do. In spite of entering an objection and sustaining it.
(40:31):
The faults of the woman as a woman kept chattering
on in his mind like an unruly witness. She had
for almost two years now baited him in the halls,
in the elevator, even in his own office, into which
she romped now and then like a circus horse. She
was constantly shouting these silly questions at him. Are you
(40:54):
lifting the ox cart out of the ditch? Are you
tearing up the pea patch? Are you hollering down the
rain barrel? Are you scraping around the bottom of the
pickle barrel? Are you sitting in the catmirried seat. It
was Joey Hart, one of mister Martin's two assistants, who
(41:16):
had explained what the gibberish meant. She must be a
Dodger fan, he had said, Red Bob announces the Dodger
games over the radio, and he uses these expressions, picked
them up down south. Joey had gone on to explain
one or two tearing up the pea patch meant going
on a rampage. Sitting in the catbirds seat meant sitting
(41:39):
pretty like a batter with three balls and no strikes
on him. Mister Martin dismissed all this with an effort.
It had been annoying, it had driven him near to distraction,
but he was too solid a man to be moved
to murder by anything so childish. It was unfortunate, he reflected,
as he passed on to the important charges against Missus Barrows,
(42:03):
that he had stood up on it so well. He
had maintained always an outward appearance of polite tolerance. Why
I even believe you like the woman Mispaired, his other
assistant had once said to him, he had simply smiled
a gavel wrapped in mister Martin's mind, and the case
(42:24):
proper was resumed. Missus Aul Jean Barrows stood charged with wilful,
flatant and persistent attempts to destroy the efficiency and system
of fn S. It was confident material and relevant to
review her advent and rise to power. Mister Martin had
got the story from Miss Paired, who seemed always able
to find things out. According to her, Missus Barrows had
(42:48):
met mister Fitweller at a party where she had rescued
him from the embraces of a powerfully built, drunken man
who had mistaken the president of F and S for
a famous retired middle Western football coach. She had led
him to a sofa and somehow worked upon him a
monstrous magic. The aging gentleman had jumped to the conclusion
(43:13):
there and then that this was a woman of singular attainments,
equipped to bring out the best in him and in
the firm. A week later he had introduced her into
F and S as his special adviser. On that day,
Confusion got its foot in the door. After miss Tyson,
(43:36):
mister Brundage, and mister Bartlett had been fired and mister
Munson had taken his hat and stalked out mailing. In
his resignation letter, Old Roberts had been emboldened to speak
to mister Fitwiler. He mentioned that mister Munson's department had
become a little disrupted, and hadn't they perhaps better resumed
the old system there? Mister Fitwiler had said, certainly not.
(43:58):
He had the greatest faith in missus Barrow's ideas. They
require a little seasoning, all, he had added. Mister Roberts
had given it up. Mister Martin reviewed in detail all
the changes wrought by missus Barrow's She had begun chipping
at the cornices of the firm's edifice, and now she
was swinging at the foundation stones with a pickaxe. Mister
(44:23):
Martin came now in his summing up to the afternoon
of Monday, November two, nineteen forty two, just one week ago.
On that day, at three pm, Missus Barrows had bounced
into his office. Boo, she had yelled, are you scraping
around the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mister Martin had
looked at her from under his green eye shade, Seeing nothing,
(44:47):
she had begun to wander about the office, taking it
in with her great popping eyes. Do you really need
all these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly, mister Martin's
heart had jumped each of these fires, he had said,
keeping his voice even plays an indispensable part in the
(45:08):
system of f and s. She had brayed at him,
while don't tear up the pea patch and gone to
the door. From there she had bawled, but you sure
have got a lot of fines scrap in here, mister
Martin could no longer doubt that the finger was on
(45:29):
his beloved department. Her pick axe was on the upswing,
poised for the first blow. It had not come yet.
He had received no blue memo from the enchanted mister
Fitweler bearing nonsensical instructions deriving from this obscene woman. But
there was no doubt in mister Martin's mind that one
would be forthcoming. He must act quickly. Already a precious
(45:54):
week had gone by. Mister Martin stood up in his
living room, still holding his milk glass. Gentleman of the jury,
he said to himself, I demand the death penalty for
this horrible person. The next day, mister Martin followed his
(46:15):
routine as usual. He polished his glasses more often and
once sharpened an already sharp pencil. But not even mispaired noticed.
Only once did he catch sight of his victim. She
swept past him in the hall with the patronizing hai
at five point thirty. He walked home as usual and
had a glass of milk as usual. He had never
drunk anything stronger in his life, unless you could count
(46:39):
ginger Ale. The late Sam Schlosser, The s of F
and S had praised mister Martin at a staff meeting
several years before for his temperate habits. One of our
most efficient workers. Neither drinks nor smokes, He had said,
the results speak for themselves. Mister Fitwiler had sat by,
nodding approval. Mister Martin was still thinking about that red
(47:03):
letter day as he walked over to the Shafts restaurant
on Fifth Avenue near forty sixth Street. He got there
as he always did, at eight o'clock. He finished his
dinner and the financial page of the New York Sun
quartered at a nine. As he always did, it was
his custom after dinner to take a walk. This time
he walked down Fifth Avenue at a casual place. His
gloved hands felt moist and warm, his forehead cold. He
(47:28):
transferred the camels from his overcoat to a jacket pocket.
He wondered as he did so, if they did not
represent an unnecessary note of strain. Missus Sparrows smoked only luckies.
It was his idea to puff a few puffs on
a camel after the rubbing out, stub it out in
the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying luckies, and thus drag
(47:52):
a small red harring across the trail. Perhaps it was
not a good idea. It would take time. He might
even choke too loudly. J Martin had never seen the
house on West twelfth Street where Missus Barrows lived, but
he had a clear enough picture of it. Fortunately, she
had bragged to everybody about her ducky first floor apartment
(48:16):
in the perfectly darling three story red brick. There would
be no doorman or other attendants, just the tenants of
the second and third floors. As he walked along, mister
Martin realized that he would get there before nine thirty.
He had considered walking north on Fifth Avenue from Shrafts
to a point from which it would take him until
(48:36):
ten o'clock to reach the house. At that hour people
were less likely to be coming in or going out,
But the procedure would have made an awkward loop in
the straight thread of his casualness, and he had abandoned it.
It was impossible to figure when people would be entering
or leaving the house anyway, there was a great risk
at any hour if he ran into anybody, he would
(48:57):
simply have to place the rubbing out of old Jene
Barrows in the inactive file forever. The same thing would
hold true if there was someone in her apartment. In
that case, he would just say that he had been
passing by, recognized her charming house, and thought to drop in.
It was eighteen minutes after nine when mister Martin turned
(49:19):
into twelfth Street. A man passed him, and a man
and a woman talking. There was no one within fifty paces.
When he came to the house halfway down the block.
He was up the steps and in the small vestibule,
and no time pressing the bell under the card that
said missus Old Jean Barrows. When the clicking in the
locks started, he jumped forward against the door. He got
inside fast, closing the door behind him. A bulb in
(49:41):
a lantern hung from the hall ceiling on a chain
seemed to give a monstrously bright light. There was nobody
on the stair which went up ahead of him along
the left wall. A door opened down the hall on
the wall on the right. He went toward it, swiftly
on tiptoe. Now, for God's sakes, look who's here? Bald
Missus Barrows, and her braying laugh rang out like the
(50:04):
report of a u sh shotgun. He rushed past her
like a football attacker bumping her. Hey quit shoving, she said,
closing the door behind them. They were in her living room,
which seemed to mister Martin to be lighted by a
hundred lamps. What's after you? She said, here's jumpy as
a goat. He found he was unable to speak. His
(50:27):
heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes, he finally
brought out. She was jabbering and laughing as she started
to help him off with his coat. No, no, he said,
I'll put it here. He took it off and put
it on a chair near the door. Your hat and
gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house. He
(50:50):
put his hat on top of the coat. Missus Barrows
seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his gloves on.
I was passing by, he said, I recognized. Is there
anyone here? She laughed louder than ever. No, she said,
(51:10):
we're all alone. You're white as a sheet, you funny man.
Whatever has come over you, I'll mix you a toddy.
She started toward a door across the room. Scotch and
so to be all right, But say you don't drink,
do you? She turned and gave him her amused look.
Mister Martin pulled himself together. Scotch and soda will be
(51:31):
all right, he heard himself say. He could hear her
laughing in the kitchen. Mister Martin looked quickly around the
living room for the weapon he had counted on finding one.
There there were and irons, and a poker, and something
in a corner that looked like an Indian club. None
of them would do it, couldn't be that way. He
began to pace around. He came to a desk. On
(51:53):
it lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle.
Would it be sharp enough? He reached for it and
knocked over a small brass jar. Stamps spilled out of
it and fell onto the floor with a hey. Missus
Barrows yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up the
pea patch? Mister Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking up
(52:15):
the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Missus Barrows reappeared
carrying two high balls, mister Martin, standing there with his
gloves on, became acutely conscious of the fantasy. He had
wrought cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him.
(52:37):
It was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind,
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For heaven's sake, take off
those gloves, said missus Barrows. I always wear them in
(53:00):
the house, said mister Martin. The idea began to bloom,
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mister
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
(53:20):
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him, Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a drink and a cigarette. Mister Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the highball.
(53:41):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
wind bag fit whiler, he said, and gulped again. The
stuff tasted awful, but he made no grimace. Really, mister Martin,
she said, her voice and posture changing. You are insulting
our employer. Missus Barrows was now all Special advisor to
(54:07):
the President. I am preparing a bomb, said mister Martin,
which will blow the old goat higher than hell. He
had only had a little of the drink, which was
not strong. It couldn't be that. Do you take dope
or something, Missus Barrows asked coldly. Heroine said, mister Martin.
(54:28):
I'll be coked to the gills when I bumped that
old buzzard off. Mister Martin, She shouted, getting to her feet,
that will be all of that. You must go at once.
Mister Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped
his cigarette out in the ash tray and put the
pack of camels on the coffee table. Then he got up.
She stood glaring at him. He walked over and put
(54:51):
on his hat and coat. Not a word about this,
he said, and laid an index finger against his lips.
All Missus Barrows could bring out was a really Mister
Martin put his hand on the doorknob. I'm sitting in
the catbird's seat, he said. He stuck his tongue out
(55:12):
at her and left. Nobody saw him go. Mister Martin
got to his apartment walking well before eleven. No one
saw him go in. He had two glasses of milk
after brushing his teeth, and he felt elated. It wasn't
tipsy in is, because he hadn't been tipsy anyway. The
(55:33):
walk had worn off all effects of the whiskey. He
got in bed and read a magazine for a while.
He was asleep before midnight. Mister Martin got to the
office at eight thirty the next morning as usual. At
a quarter to nine, old Jean Barrows, who had never
before arrived at work before ten, swept into his office.
I'm reparting to mister fitweler now, she shouted. If he
(55:55):
turns you over to the police, it's no more than
you deserve. Mister Martin gave her a look of shocked surprise.
I beg your pardon, he said, missus Barrow snorted and
bounced out of the room, leaving Miss Paird and Joey
Hart staring after her. What's the matter with that old devil, now,
asked Miss Paired. I have no idea, said mister Martin,
(56:18):
resuming his work. The other two looked at him, and
then at each other. Miss Paired got up and went out.
She walked slowly past the closed door of mister Fitweiler's office.
Missus Barrows was yelling inside, but she was not braying.
Miss paired could not hear what the woman was saying.
She went back to her desk. Forty five minutes later,
(56:40):
Missus Barrows left the President's office and went into her own,
shutting the door. It wasn't until half an hour later
that mister Fitweiler sent for mister Martin, the head of
the filing department. Neat quiet, attentive, stood in front of
the old man's desk. Mister Fitweiler was pale and nervous.
He took his glasses off and twiddled them. He made
(57:00):
a small ruffing sound in his throat. Martin, He said,
you have been with us more than twenty years. Twenty two, sir,
said mister Martin, in that time pursued the President. Your
work and your manner have been exemplary. I trust so, sir,
(57:22):
said mister Martin. I have understood, Martin, said mister Fitwaller,
that you have never taken a drink or smoked. That
is correct, sir, said mister Martin. Ah, yes, mister Fitwiler
polished his glasses. You may describe what you did after
leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, sir, he said,
(57:46):
I walked home. Then I went to Shafts for dinner. Afterward,
I walked home again. I went to bed early, sir,
and read a magazine for a while. I was asleep
before eleven. Ah. Yes, said mister Fitwiler. Again. He was
silent for a moment, searching for the proper words to
say to the head of the filing department, Missus Barrows.
(58:09):
He said, finally, Missus Barrows has worked hard, Martin, very hard.
It brings me to report that she has suffered a
severe breakdown. It has taken the form of a persecution
complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir, said
mister Martin. Missus Barrows is under the delusion, continued mister Fitwiler,
(58:35):
that you visited her last evening and behaved yourself in
an unseemly manner. He raised his hand to silence mister
Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature of these
psychological diseases, mister Fitwiler said, to fix upon the least
likely and most innocent party as the source of persecution.
(58:58):
These matters are not for the lay mind to grasp. Martin.
I've just had my psychiatrist, doctor Fitch, on the phone.
He would not, of course commit himself, but he made
enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I suggested to missus Barrows,
when she had completed her story to me this morning,
(59:20):
that she visited doctor Fitch for I suspected a condition.
At what sentence she flew, I regret to say, into
a rage and demanded requested that I call you on
the carpet. You may not know, Martin, but Missus Barrows
had planned a reorganization of your department, subject to my approval.
(59:41):
Of course, subject to my approval. This brought you, rather
than anyone else to her mind. But again, that is
a phenomenon for doctor Fitch and not for us. So Martin,
I'm afraid Missus Barrow's usefulness here is at an end.
I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, said mister Martin. It was at
(01:00:04):
this point that the door to the office blew open
with the suddenness of a gas main explosion, and Missus
Barrows catapulted through. It is the little rad denying it.
She screamed, he can't get away with that. Mister Martin
got up and moved discreetly to a point beside mister
Fitwailer's chair. You drank and smoked at my apartment, she
(01:00:26):
bawled at mister Martin, and you know it. You called
mister Fitweiler an old wind bag and said you were
gonna blow him up when you got coked to your
gills on your heroine. She stopped yelling to catch her breath,
and a new glint came into her popping eyes. If
you weren't set to drab, ordinary little man, she said,
I'd think you'd planned it all, sticking your tongue out,
(01:00:50):
saying you were sitting in the cat buried seat because
you thought no one would believe me when I told it.
My god, it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically,
and the fury was on again. She glared at mister Fitweiler.
Can't you see how he has checked us, you old fool.
(01:01:11):
Can't you see his little game? But mister Fitwiler had
been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under the top of
his desk, and employees of F and S began pouring
into the room. Stockton said, Missus Fitchwiler, you and Fishbine
will take missus Barrows to her home. Missus Powell, you
will go with them. Stockton, who had played a little
(01:01:31):
football in high school, blocked Missus Barrows as she made
for mister Martin. It took him and fish Mine together
to force her out of the door. Into the hall,
crowded with stenographers and office boys. She was still screaming
imprecations at mister Martin, tangled and contradictory imprecations. The hubbub
finally died out down the corridor. I regret that this
(01:01:55):
has happened, said mister Fitwiler. I shall ask you to
dismiss it from your mind. Martin, Yes, sir, said miss Martin,
anticipating his chiefs that will be all. By moving to
the door, I will dismiss it. He went out and
shut the door, and his step was light and quick
(01:02:19):
in the hall. When he entered his department, he had
slowed down to his customary gate, and he walked quietly
across the room to the double twenty file, wearing a
look of studious concentration. From the Thurber cannival the Catbird
Seat by James Thurber. I've done all the damage I
(01:02:55):
can do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown has come
to you from the Vin Scully Studio at the Elberman
Broadcasting Empire in New York. The music you heard was
for the most part, arranged, produced, and performed by the
Countdown musical directors John Phillip Scheneale and Brian Ray. Brian
Ray handled guitars, bass, and drums. John Phillip Schanel did
the orchestration and keyboards. It was produced by Tko Brothers.
(01:03:18):
Other music, including other Beethoven songs the hits of seventeen
seventy six, were arranged and performed by No Horns Allowed.
The sports music is courtesy ESPN, Inc. And was written
by Mitch Warren Davis. We call it the Olderman theme
from ESPN two. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are
by Nancy Fauss, the best baseball stadium morganist ever. Our
(01:03:40):
announcer today was my friend Dennis Leary. Everything else was
pretty much my fault. So that's Countdown for this the
one thousand and fourth day since Donald Trump's first attempted
coup against the democratically elected government of the United States
convict him now while we still can. The next scheduled
countdown is Tuesday Bolton's as the news warrants till then,
(01:04:00):
I'm Keith Olderman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and
good luck. Countdown with Keith Oldman is a production of iHeartRadio.
(01:04:22):
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