September 29, 2023 • 56 mins
SEASON 2 EPISODE 45: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: "Join the ultimate strike against the globalist class," Trump shouted at his crowd in Michigan. And of course that is a double dogwhistle because to antisemites like Trump, "Globalist" means Jews, but also has a CLEAN meaning: dealing with the interconnections of the modern world, internationally. And he got away with “strike” there because he was nominally addressing the labor action by the United Auto Workers. Of course if you think he was telling his cult of thugs to take labor action against those dealing with the interconnections of the modern world, congratulations on awakening from your nine-year coma. Trump began to covertly attack Jewish people as soon as his presidential campaign began, he threatened globalists at the United Nations, this is nothing new.
But the use of the term “ultimate strike” should set off any remaining alarm bells that have not been ringing continuously all this time. This is not a complicated calculation: if Trump determined that he could get elected by beginning a full-fledged attack on Jewish people, Jewish influence, he’d do it. When we speak of him as having the soul of a mass murderer, that’s what we mean. People do not have any actual VALUE to him. Re-enact the holocaust in whole or in part? To get re-elected? To stay out of jail? Of course he’d do that. And to any group you could name. If he became convinced that he could regain the White House by rounding up and killing all the… left-handed people, he’d do it.
There is also more to the attack on the news media for "country-threatening treason." The former editor of The Washington Post confirms are worst fears. When Trump and Kushner demanded they meet to discuss how they could 'make it up' to Trump for reporting on Russia, the executives went as summoned, and negotiated. There is the danger in how the media has treated Trump and will treat him: it's all a negotiation for him, and it's all a negotiation for them.
Speaking of which, Melania has reportedly re-done her pre-nup. Which Tee Box did she get in the new deal? And as House Republicans prepare to sack Kevin McCarthy and replace him with Tom Emmer, who best represented their hilarious 'Impeachment Inquiry' launch? Jonathan Turkey saying he didn't see any evidence worthy of an impeachment? Or Congressman Chuck Edwards, who couldn't pronounce any of the names or words in the sentence they gave him to read - particularly: "Oligarch."
B-Block (25:22) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: Stew Peters and guest demand execution of Taylor Swift and Travis Kielce for vaccine advocacy. Hey, Matt Gaetz? Why the long face? And Curt Schilling - Scumbag - reveals a former teammate is fighting cancer even though the former teammate wanted to keep it private. (30:42) THINGS I PROMISED NOT TO TELL, PART 1: Saturday is Stevie Day. You've heard this story before? Well here's your chance to hear it again. A boy and his first dog (ok, the boy was 53).
C-Block (46:17) THINGS I PROMISED NOT TO TELL, PART 2: Stevie makes her cameo.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. We
all know what globalists means, right, We all know what
(00:26):
globalists is a euphemism for what it means among the
Qanons and the fascists and the Magas and the Trumpists
and the Republicans. Right as ever, in the endless flow
of perversion and evil and sickness coming out of Trump,
there is so much all at once that you can
(00:48):
miss some of it. Wednesday in Detroit at the fake
rally with the fake union members, you.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Need to send a message and join the ultimate strike
against the globalist class by casting your vote for.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
He followed that up with a social media post quoting,
of course himself, same thing, join the ultimate strike against
the globalist class. And of course that is the rare
double dog whistle, because to anti Semites like Trump, globalist
means Jews, but it also has a clean meaning dealing
(01:21):
with the interconnections of the modern world internationally. And he
got away with strike there because he was nominally addressing
the labor action by the United Auto Workers. And of course,
if you think he was telling his cult of thugs
to take labor action against those dealing with the interconnections
of the modern world. Congratulations on awakening from your nine
(01:42):
year coma. Trump began to covertly attack Jewish people as
soon as his presidential campaign began. He threatened globalists at
the United Nations. This is nothing new, but the use
of that term ultimate strike should set off any remaining
(02:03):
alarm bells which have not been ringing continuously all this time.
This is not a complicated calculation. If Donald Trump determined
that he could get elected by beginning a full fledged
Paulgrom against Jewish people, Jewish influence, Jewish whatever, he'd do it.
(02:24):
When we speak of him as having the soul of
a mass murder, that's what we mean. People do not
have any actual value to him. They don't exist for him.
Reenact the Holocaust in whole or in part to get
re elected to stay out of jail. Of course, he'd
do that, and he'd do it to any group you
could name. If he became convinced that he could regain
(02:46):
the White House by rounding up and killing all the
left handed people, he would do it. But of course,
the issue of the globalists is one of the few
that actually resonates with something inside Trump's semi human brain
because he is an anti Semite. It is just two
(03:07):
weekends since he reposted a meme on Russiashana created by
some clown who used to be on this Real Housewives
of New Jersey show called Siggi flicker quote just a
quick reminder for liberal Jews who voted to destroy America
and Israel because you believe false narratives. Let's hope you
learned from your mistake and make better choices moving forward.
(03:30):
Happy New Year. And then there was a reference to
all the things Trump supposedly has done for Jewish people
and the rhetorical question, what Nazi anti Semite ever did this?
And this flicker woman misspelled Nazi. It was a year
ago when Trump insisted that American Jews quote have to
(03:50):
get their act together before it is too late, and
he again pushed the calumny that Jews are loyal to
Israel and not to the United States. And at the
White House on Hanaka once he referred to your country
meaning Israel. And the dinner with the avalidly anti Semitic
Nickes and Kanye West in the praising of Hitler to
his former chief of staff John Kelly, and the Vanity
Fair article from nineteen ninety quote. Iv Anna Trump told
(04:13):
her lawyer that from time to time her husband reads
a book of Hitler's collected speeches, which he keeps in
a cabinet by his bed, a story that was confirmed
by the former chief of Gulf and Western and Paramount
Marty Davis, who gave Trump that book. And I'm sorry
if this is all old news for you, but it
(04:33):
seems to me that the process of normalizing Trump began
when we stopped reviewing at least the worst evidence of
his malignancies each time he added to one of his
countless lists of them. Join the Ultimate Strike against the
globalist class is not some random throwaway line. He did
(04:57):
it in Detroit because who knows, the fact that he
was talking about an actual auto worker's strike gave him
the opportunity, or it was an homage to the great
anti Semite role model Henry Ford. Who knows. But if
a man is standing there holding a gun and nothing
(05:17):
happens to you for minutes or hours, or days or years,
you do, in fact begin to get used to the
idea that the man is holding a gun, and you
do begin to stop thinking that he is about to
use it. He just told voters to join him as
he uses the goddamned gun in the ultimate strike against
(05:43):
the globalist class. Doesn't mean anything. What are you worried about?
It's just rhetoric. Doesn't mean a thing unless it will
get him into the White House, or after he's already
in the White House, unless it'll keep him there. Oh
(06:07):
and by the way, the New York Times photographer who
insisted those were union members Trump talked to in Detroit
finally has deleted his tweet it happened yesterday afternoon. The
impression note continues to linger that Trump was talking to
striking auto workers rather than non union parts manufacturer employees
who were ordered into that room by the owner of
(06:29):
their plant. And it lingers because Trump's people gave those
people signs reading auto workers for Trump and union members
for Trump, and the newspaper, the Detroit News, did what
every news organization should do every time for every Trump story.
The reporter went and asked the people holding the signs. Quote.
(06:54):
One individual in the crowd who held a sign that
said union members for Trump acknowledged that she wasn't a
union member. Another person with a sign that read audio
workers for Trump said he wasn't an auto worker. The
Detroit News buried it and paragraphed seventeen, but still they
did better than the New York Times initially did. And
(07:17):
of course nobody noticed that the line about the ultimate
strike against the globalist class happened during that speech. It
was not included in the Detroit News story anybody else's
story for that matter, or that when he said it
he was in Clinton Township, Michigan, or noted the coincidence
that he first used an anti semitic meme against Hillary
(07:41):
Clinton in twenty sixteen. There is a list somewhere, and
we know it has her name on it, along with
everybody else he's directed stochastic terror towards. The subtext to
all of it is that it doesn't really matter to Trump.
(08:03):
Maybe he was angry and general Mark Milly to briefly
have really endorsed the idea that the quote punishment would
have been death. But ultimately, again it's a calculation. If
he calculated that making Mark Milly his vice presidential running
mate would get him to the White House, he would
do it. And if you doubt that for a minute,
(08:26):
that when you peel back each layer of Trumpean psychosis
and cynicism and lack of belief in anything. All you
find is another layer of exactly the same thing. Every
once in a while it gets freshly confirmed for you.
The attack on the New York Judge Arthur anger On quote,
this political hack must be stopped. It's based on nothing.
(08:51):
What I mentioned yesterday turns out to be only the
half of it. Trump now insists mari Lago could be
worth two billion dollars, but anger On said it's worth
sixteen million. Therefore he must be stopped. As I mentioned,
three years ago, the tax assessors of Palm Beach County,
Florida said marri Lago was worth twenty six million, and
Trump said, no, that's too high. He appealed the tax assessment.
(09:17):
He wanted it to be worth less than twenty six million.
Now the website Messenger reports it turns out that on
November sixteenth, twenty twenty, Trump withdrew the appeal of the
tax assessment and agreed officially with the government that mari
A Lago is worth no more than twenty six million dollars.
So he has put anger On's life at risk because
(09:39):
anger On said the place was worth sixteen million, but
Trump agreed in writing in a filing that it's worth
twenty six million. And it's not just madness, it's mundanity.
We have a new page in the stochastic threats against
NBC in the entire news media too, the country threatening
(10:00):
treason bull crap, which I will grant. Trump probably does
believe that the outgoing editor of the Washington Post, Marty Barron,
has the inevitable book coming out, and in it he
says that during Trump's tenure in the White House, Trump
had Jared Kushner try to get the Post's publisher Fred
Ryan to fire him as editor because the paper thoroughly
(10:22):
covered Trump's conspiracy with Russia to illegally influence the twenty
sixteen election. Quoting the book with no delay and without pause.
During his four years as president, Trump and his team
would go after The Post and everyone else in the
media who didn't bend to his wishes. In December twenty nineteen,
Kushner would lean on Ryan to withdraw support for me
(10:44):
and our Russia investigation unquote. At one point, after a
dinner with the Post executives and Trump and Kushner, this
idiot NEPO baby and Nepo's son in law. Kushner thought
he was close to actually getting the Post to somehow
make it all up to Trump. Barn writes, Kushner quote
suggests did the Post issue an apology and there be
(11:08):
a reckoning of some sort, as he advised that he
himself had made a huge mistake in one standing by
a former editor of The New York Observer and one
of its stories when he owned the publication. Standing by
my editor at that time was the biggest regret in
the ten years I owned the newspaper, he wrote in
the email to Ryan, Kushner's intent was clear to me.
He aims to get me fired. I told Ryan, well,
(11:32):
I mean it's better than charging Baron with country threatening treason,
which sounds like something you get at the waffle house.
But it underlines something important that I've mentioned here twenty
thousand times. Kushner thought he was going to get Marty
Barron fired by the Post, or that he was going
to get the Post to retract its Russia coverage, or
(11:54):
he thought he was going to get Trump apologized to.
And he thought that because the companies that own news
organizations in this country think that way as well. There
is no question that they have met internally to discuss
how to keep Trump at bay and how to strategize
what they can do today to mitigate his vengeance if
(12:18):
he ever regains power, and the Kushner Marty Barron's story
indicates it's all a negotiation. So when you and I
might still have a glimmer of hope that the Post
or NBC News or the Times or somebody is going
to one day drop the story that destroys Trump, just
(12:38):
remember that even if they did not agree to, let
Trump help determine what they would and would not say
in the Washington Post about Trump. When the time came
in twenty seventeen that Trump believed he had the right
to negotiate these things, he summoned the Washington Post's publisher
and its editor, and they went to the White House
(13:00):
as ordered, which means they will do it again. Trial
round up. Jack Smith is to answer Trump's answer to
his gag order request. It is due by tomorrow. Past
practice suggests the Special Council could very easily submit it today.
(13:21):
There is also a twist in the stolen classified documents
case that I swear I did not see coming. In
filings made yesterday, Smith's office noted that two weeks ago,
at a hearing, the government stated that nine of the
documents are so sensitive, so secret, that they cannot be
kept in the secure facility the skiff that has been
(13:41):
arranged for Trump in Florida while they look for somewhere
in Florida even more secure than a skiff. Quote, these
documents can be made available in the Washington, DC area
for Defense Council's review at their convenience, call one eight
hundred secret docs to make an appointment. Nine of the
(14:03):
documents Trump stole are too secret to be kept in
the secret facility, but he had them in the bathroom
at crap Shack a Lago. This comes as the government
accuses Trump of trying to stall the Florida case to
push the entire pre trial schedule there back three months
rather than just delay a couple of pre trial hearings
(14:25):
about some of these secret documents. That way, nothing would
start in May of next year. Everything would start in
August of next year. He's trying to delay in DC
as well. Some pre trial motions are due in the
next two weeks. Trump wants until December. It is believed
he wants to stall before submitting this fabricated executive immunity nonsense,
(14:48):
and a change of venue motion, which are themselves stall tactics. Again,
this is under Judge Chutkin, who is inclined to punish
things like, you know, threatening to have a potential witness
like Mark Milly killed by the mob. She responds to
stuff like that that by starting the trial sooner. And
yet a third Trump delay has washed out. In New York,
(15:10):
the civil fraud trial will start Monday as scheduled, as
the Appellate Division rejected the lawsuit against the Judge oh In.
One other piece of litigiousness, the gossip section of the
New York Post, which is basically the whole paper, reports
that Milania Trump, you remember her, she's his quote wife, unquote,
(15:31):
Milania Trump has renegotiated her prenup. This is at least
the third time the Post quotes its unnamed source. It
claims she's doing this to make sure the trust package
for their son Baron is increased if Trump serves a
second term rather than serves a lifetime sentence. The Post
(15:53):
offers no other details, but you know, you have to
wonder whether in the renegotiations Milania got the rights to
any particular unused plot near one of the tees at
the Trump golf Course and Cemetery in Bedminster, New Jersey. Now,
(16:18):
as to the interference being run on Trump's behalf in Washington,
I happen to think that James Comer and Jim Jordan
and the other members of the House Oversight at Obstruction
of Justice Committee happened to be among the biggest idiots
in the history of the Congress. After their first Biden
impeachment inquiry hearing yesterday, it is clear I have overrated them.
(16:43):
Not only did their expert constitutional witness by one time
go to Attorney Guest John Turley say this, but he
wrote it in his prepared testimony, so they knew in advance,
with plenty of time to cancel him, that he was
going to say it, and they did not cancel him.
(17:04):
So he said this.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
In fact, I do not believe that the current evidence
would support articles of impeachment.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Good Lord, your first witness. It was so bad that
Fox's Neil Cavudo came on and said that rather than
the old saw being true that where there is smoke,
there is fire, in this case, where there is smoke,
there was just more smoke. Alexandria Ocasio Cortes erased Turley
and two other Republican witnesses in under one minute. In fact, mister.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Turley, I have a simple question for you in your
testimony today. Are you presenting any first hand witness account
of crimes committed by the President of the United States.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
No, you are not, Miss O'Connor. You are the second
Republican witness here today. Have you, in your testimony presented
any first hand witness account of crimes committed by the
President of the United States?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
I have not.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
Thank you now, mister Tubinski, as the and final Republican
witness in this hearing, have you, in your testimony presented
any firsthand witness account of crimes committed by the presidents
of the United States?
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I have not.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
And lastly, from literally the first weeks I went into
the news business in nineteen ninety seven, it was clear
to me that we are not paying our elected representatives
enough money to prevent the semi intelligent ones from avoiding
government service altogether and instead going to where the real
income potential is being a fry cook. The Washington Post
(18:38):
last night reported that the ultra fascists in the GOP
House Caucus have selected someone to replace Speaker McCarthy. It'd
be Tom Emmer of Minnesota. And ordinarily one would say,
who cares, what's the difference? Trot them out, bring in
a new one every week, do a college of speakers,
a new one every seven days. Everybody gets a turn,
(19:00):
except Tom Emmer is the House Majority whip. He's one
of my MacCarthy's leadership deputies. He responded to this horror
of disloyalty to the post with quote, I fully support
Speaker McCarthy. He knows that, and I know that I
have zero interest in palace intrigue. End of discussion, unquote,
(19:24):
I don't hear anything in there about I will not
become speaker. Plus it translates as when you oust McCarthy
and ask me to become speaker, I will pretend to hesitate,
and I will act reluctant for several minutes. To me,
the obvious choice to be the new Speaker of the
House when they do in McCarthy would be Chuck Edwards
(19:50):
of the North Carolina eleventh. Chuck Edwards, who covered himself
in glory. I covered himself in something at yesterday's impeachment inquiry,
hearing whatever Congressman Edward is trying to say here it
is clear he did not bother to read any of
(20:11):
it in advance.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Kennis Rocked Rocky Chef is a Kazastani oglia Gark who
was a director at Kazistan's state owned owl company. Importantly,
(20:35):
Rokyscheff maintains ties to Kareem Masimov.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Og Gark. I don't know how after that hearing you
could actually wind up embarrassing the James Comer Carr Crash Committee.
But Chuck Edwards managed to do it, Chuck Edwards, or
maybe I should call him, see who edna ed ed
(21:07):
Edward Edward did we have simultaneous translation on Congressman Edward's
there also of interest here. There are not enough words
to describe someone who finds out that a former business
associate and a member of their family are both battling cancer,
(21:30):
acknowledges that he's not certain that associate wants that fact known,
but still cannot resist, still cannot stop himself from announcing
this fact on his own podcast when the family in
fact did not want it revealed. There are not enough words.
I only need three words to describe that someone Kurt Shilling,
(21:56):
scumbag that's next. This is countdown. This is Countdown with
Keith Woman still ahead on Countdown. It's Stevie Day. Well,
(22:29):
tomorrow is Stevie Day. First time for the daily roundup
of the miscreants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who
constitute today's worse parsons in the world the Bronze. Following
up on one of yesterday's winners, It's Lunatics, Stu Peters
and Morgan Ariel now asserting on their streaming show that
(22:51):
Taylor Swift and her new boyfriend Travis Kelcey should be executed.
Ariel quote, if she's dating some high end, you know,
football player that is pushing the vaccine, then that's going
to raise the probability that they'll go out and get it.
Peters quote, these people are responsible for murder. They're actually
(23:12):
selling their souls and knowingly killing children with a DoD manufactured,
US government owned and deployed weapon of bio warfare. I
mean these people should be held to serious account. Unquote
this woman. Ariel quote, I think people deserve to be
publicly prosecuted and hung. I mean the same thing that
you say. I think we need justice in this country.
(23:33):
I think the celebrities that are pushing it, they should
be tried, and they don't have any conviction because their
god is Satan and they value money instead of human life.
Unquote Yet, clown girl, it's hanged. If you're busy thinking
about how Travis Kelcey might be hung, that raises all
kinds of different issues. And again the National Football League
(23:55):
is placing its Twitter ads next to posts from this guy.
Stu Pete Ers the runner up. Matt Gates, congressman and
professional button head impersonator. Big day for him. Yesterday Matt
got into a shouting match behind closed doors with speaker
Kevin McCarthy. He claimed McCarthy was paying social media influencers
to trash him, like you can't get millions of us
(24:17):
to do that for free. McCarthy then told House Republicans
he was donating five million dollars to their campaigns, and
Gates said, how much of that is from FTX or
Sam Bankman freed, whereupon the Indiana congresson French Hill spoke
for a weary nation when he shouted, quote, oh, f off,
(24:39):
but our winner, Kurt Shilling, I've gone through this story before.
The man is nuts. He's hateful, he's terrible at business,
he's terrible at broadcasting, and after twenty five years of
gradually becoming the most hated person in baseball, it would
seem impossible that he could reach a new high and low.
(24:59):
Yet there it is. Wednesday, on his podcast, Shilling announced
that the family of his former Red Sox teammate Tim Wakefield,
who is, by contrast, one of the most beloved persons
in baseball, was fighting cancer. This was a surprise, and
it was a surprise for a good reason. The Red
Sox yesterday released this statement quote, we are aware of
(25:21):
the statements and inquiries about the health of Tim and
Stacey Wakefield. Unfortunately, this information has been shared publicly without
their permission. Their health is a deeply personal matter they
intended to keep private as they navigate treatment and work
to tackle this disease. Tim and Stacy are appreciative of
(25:41):
the support and love that has always been extended to them,
and respectfully asked for privacy. At this time, Kurt Shilling
revealed the plight of these eminently decent people without their
knowledge or approval. In fact, apparently as he revealed it,
Shillings said he did not know if the Wakefields wanted
(26:03):
it known, and and yet he said it anyway. One
of the other things Kurt Shilling has said repeatedly during
his flights of bullying and self delusion is that if
he were ever to meet me, he would punch me
in the face. Kurt, being a moron, forgets that we
met first in nineteen ninety three when he was pitching
for the Philadelphia Phillies and I was broadcasting a game
(26:26):
for ESPN, and he professed being a fan of mine.
Then four years later, when I was working on NBC's
telecast of the Baseball World Series, NBC brought him in
to do features for the then embryonic internet feed they
put together. We traveled together for ten days. He asked
for my advice, several times. He sucked up to me repeatedly.
(26:48):
He interviewed me for his segment on the Internet. I
explain all this just to underscore what a fraud Kurt
Shilling is and that we have already met. So let
me advance this discussion a little bit. Kurt, You're a scumbag.
You have no redeeming features. You have failed that everything
you have tried, you have talked your way out of
recognition in the Baseball Hall of Fame that you would
(27:09):
otherwise probably deserve, and now you have abused and betrayed
Tim Wakefield. So if you and I ever meet again
and you want to try to punch me in the face,
go ahead, please do, and then on behalf of mankind.
Even though I'm giving away seven years in the process,
I will kick your ass. Kurt Shilling two days and
(27:35):
in fact every day's worst person in the world. Now
to my favorite topic, me and things I promise not
to tell, and a complete change of mood here from
(27:57):
the last item, because tomorrow is Stevie Day. I have
told you Stevie's story before four Well, sorry, I can't
resist telling you again because tomorrow is our anniversary eleven
years I've mentioned my dogs before. July first was Ted's
(28:19):
Gotcha day, five years since he came in to me
as a foster, and then I failed profoundly and he's
not a foster anymore. He's my little boy. A week
later is Stevie's birthday. It was the big one one
this year. Rose doesn't have anything to do with July.
She'll be almost ten, I guess in a couple of days.
(28:40):
And then a week after Stevie's birthday, Minee turned sixteen.
I've told you about mine. He's the rescue who had
outlived his human and they thought he had dementia, and
it turned out we had to take out all of
his teeth because they were rotten, and goodness, he really
didn't have dementia. He just had bad teeth. Once we
took them out, ninety percent of his fogging is cleared up,
(29:00):
and he's gained three pounds. And he takes the hard
treats and puts them in the water bowl and comes
back for them later and then pulls them out and
sucks on them like cough drops. And I don't know
if I know any people smart enough to do that.
And he is the best walker in the world. And
he leaps over the white stripes on the crosswalks, and
I thought he was confused, and then he did it
like sixteen times in one half hour walk, and I
(29:22):
realized he's doing it out of the sheer joy of
still being able to do it at the age of sixteen.
And he's now talking to me, and he understands much
of what I try to say to him, even though
he really only understands French. It's a long story, and
it all starts with Stevie eleven years ago. Because on
(29:43):
September thirtieth, twenty twelve, eleven years ago, not one word
of what I just said would have made any sense
to me. I had never had a dog, I'd had allergies,
I'd had travel, I'd had work. And then Olivia looked
at me and she said, I need a fix. On
(30:06):
September thirtieth, twenty twelve, my girlfriend's family dog was dying.
My girlfriend later, my ex girlfriend would not say that
the little dog was dying. Her folks would not say it.
A dog, Jack Russell Terrier was named Casey did her
best to be the only truthful one in the whole family.
(30:27):
She was moving purposely and unsteadily with every step, and
she was looking out at her world with a seeming
mixture of acceptance and sadness and regret that the one
time she really needed the bipeds to speak and act
for her, they would not. I just need for dogs,
(30:47):
not to mean sadness. Olivia said, just for a while,
can we go to that pet shop on Lex? I
mumbled that we could go, but that I had resisted
the dog entreaties of eleven girlfriends before her, and I
would successfully resist hers. I had always loved dogs, but
I was really allergic to them, and my doctors had
(31:08):
all said that even hypoallergenic dogs were a crap shoot.
She said, I do not want a dog. I am
not trying to convince you to get us a dog.
I just want to hold a puppy for a little while.
She paused, as she always did when she felt both
hopeless and angry at being at the mercy of feelings,
(31:28):
and she lapsed into the shrug emoji. As sappy as
that sounds, Olivia the girlfriend the former girlfriend, let me
make this easier on both of us. We'll call her TFGF.
The former girlfriend TFGF and I left for the pet
shop in midafternoon, and I told her my true fear
here that my native but dormant shared affinity with dogs
(31:50):
would all of a moment spring fully grown from my soul,
and I would blurt, just give me all of them.
I mean, what kind of life could I offer a dog?
I was on television and thus always in a television studio,
and thus never home for play or walks or just
the prevention of canine loneliness. I had a girlfriend who
(32:11):
lived out of town. Half the time, I was clueless
as to every practical aspect of the dog thing. I
had littered the continent with dead house plants, and I
no longer thought myself capable of pulling my ego out
of my backside sufficiently to take care of fish. I
had literally not had a pet of any kind since
nineteen sixty seven. I had come to terms with living
(32:35):
in a wistful, hazy world in which I might inadvertently
have a dog pal for a few moments, but almost
never indoors, and never without the pang of knowing that
the hello itself contained the start of the goodbye. And
I was allergic. I was allergic to the obvious big, furry,
friendly dogs, and I might be allergic to the ones
(32:57):
that were built as non allergic. And if I disobeyed
this immutable cannon, the buried tears of permanent exclusion might
be replaced by far worse ones of separation and loss.
Me I would get over it, probably, but without overvaluing
myself too much to betray the love of a dog
to send a dog back because of allergies. As TFGF
(33:24):
and I approached the shop, there was, as there almost
always is, there a small crowd undulating around it. Lexington
Avenue's narrow sidewalks make these human clots easier to form,
even late on the first Sunday of autumn. There is
also an obstacle course of grates and cellar doors and bikes,
chained poles and parking meters and canopies for diners and
(33:46):
restaurants and mattress showrooms and other places. They're not quite seedy,
but also aren't quite your first choice. The uptown edges
of the grime and noise that constitute the maze of
fifty ninth Street Bridge approaches lend the place a congested
feel even when it's otherwise. We are three blocks up
(34:07):
from the trying just a little too hard merchandising of Bloomingdale's.
There are unwashed delivery trucks, double parked three hundred and
sixty five days a year, and then totally out of
place amid the prosaic trappings of a big city at
its most meh. There they are bouncing off each other,
tearing infinitely at other, tiny heads and tails and paws
(34:29):
doing a seeming pantomime of dismemberment. Their yips and the
crunch of the shredded cavorting paper are just audible through
the glass and over the din of the street. They
create an oasis of cute. And just in case you
can't tell what they are, there's this big Neon sign
above their street front window that reads puppies. Don't make
(34:53):
me go in, I pleaded. She reassured me. We'd go in.
She'd hold the dog. All I had to do was
take a picture. You don't understand. I reached for her hand.
What I'm trying to saying is I always wanted a dog,
but I could never have a dog. Just as the
door to the shop opened, she grabbed my arm. She
yanked hard, She swore, and she muttered, you'll survive. Man up.
(35:17):
Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't make
eye contact. Don't make eye contact. We were going towards
puppies and past puppies, and the appearance of a small
staircase to a training loft confirmed we were now going
under puppies. And in the deepest recesses of the shop,
there was a wall of puppies two hour right, three
cages high, six across, all a yellowish beige behind a
(35:39):
reddish brown for micah countertop, then a structural beam, and
then three cages high two across, then a corner with
a small visiting pen built into the countertop. Then right
in front of me the Hollywood squares of puppies three high,
three across, and all of their inmates, all nine of them,
staring at me and screaming at me and making eye
(35:59):
contact and saying, by esp take me home. A salesman
now introduced himself as Jeffrey, and Jeffrey asked if TFGF
had any particular dog she wanted him to bring to her.
Let me see the Maltese the girl. In that moment,
two things struck me. Firstly, this was my cue to
(36:20):
get the phone out and prepared to take the photo
of her with the puppy. Secondly, the dog, whom the
salesman was now temporarily liberating from the surprisingly spare cage,
was the only living soul inside that pet shop besides me,
who was not making any damn noise. Every other puppy
was perfecting its adolescent bark. The cats were making a
(36:41):
bewildering variety of noises, and was that a Norwegian blue
parrot squawk? Remarkable bird The Norwegian blue. Isn't it beautiful plumage?
This Maltese said nothing. She looked like her torso would
easily fit in one of my hands if she was
three pounds. A quarter of it was hair and half
of that was curled, and presumably somebody came by every
(37:02):
day to turn what sat atop her head into a
mohawk up top and a mullet in the back. Her
cage mate brother seemed a little bigger, but his eyes
were clearly smaller, and their ocular contrast was immediately visible,
even if you still had forlorn hopes of avoiding eye contact.
His shown hers were illuminated. He tried to get past
(37:26):
her into the salesman's arms. She simply lifted up her
head towards him, and it actually crossed my mind that
she looked like she was about to say, Hi, Jeffrey,
how are you today? He put her gently down in
the playpen at the right corner of the counter. TFGF
asked if she could pick the puppy up, and nodded
to me to get the camera ready. Honestly, Jeffrey said,
(37:46):
this is the sweetest dog we've had in here for months.
I say that every day to almost everybody, but this
time I'm actually not lying. TFGFF cradled the Maltese in
her arms, with the dog's head facing to my right.
I tapped the camera on the phone. My hand was
already shaking as I sent it up to DGF and
the puppy in the frame. The Maltese suddenly wiggled upright,
(38:08):
placed her front paws on my girlfriend's chest, and just
as I snapped the image, the dog reached up and
kissed my girlfriend on the lips. I am, on occasion,
completely incapable of remembering anything that happened in my entire
life before that moment. TFGF made the appropriate sounds of approval.
(38:34):
Jeffrey began discussing how little grooming the Maltese breed needs
and the great price he could give us, and even
as my head spun, it seemed silly to me that
he was calculating the tax on something that was obviously
timelessly and eternally priceless. TFGF said something about how we
needed a minute outside to discuss it, and she handed
the puppy back to Jeffrey, and the dog looked at
(38:55):
each each of us and as if she was about
to say nice to meet you. As the pup went
back up into the cage with her brother, something extraordinary happened.
The little girl was reaching her head up towards the
spout of the cage's water bottle with the same graceful
movement she had made to bestow that kiss on TFGF
(39:17):
when her brother puppy abruptly body slammed her out of
the way, and her tiny frame bounced off the side
of the cage. And then, to my shock and confusion,
a deep and threatening growl, a vengeful h reverberated throughout
the pet shop. The growl was coming from me. The
(39:42):
next sounds were from TFGF, My God, what's wrong with you?
I didn't know it at the time, but as we
turned to fight our way back out through the shop
to the street, I evidently half skidded into a display
full of chew toys. They nearly toppled to the floor.
I nearly toppled to the floor. I couldn't see, but
I didn't recognize my own tears until they hit the
(40:02):
edges of my lips. Somehow I managed to say it again,
this time in despair. I always wanted a dog, but
I could never have one. She suddenly realized what had happened.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm an asshole. TFGF was now
holding me upright and steering me towards the door to
the street. I didn't listen to you. I'm an asshole.
I'm an asshole. You told me. I didn't believe you.
(40:22):
I'm so sorry. Well now the stories came pouring out,
all jumbled, one on top of the other. Tiny, the
Saint Bernard at the Katz and Steins. He only wanted
to embrace me. He wasn't trying to eat me. And
the mcconnon's mutt next door, Boots used to come sit
on my lap, and Tiny didn't make me sneeze. He
only scared me. And the mcconnons had three boys and
(40:43):
a mother who baked cookies by the car load. Lot
and Boots never left their side, and I was always
at their house. And if I was allergic, how was
it that I never once had a problem with Boots?
How in the hell did that work? Huh? And what
about Vladimir or the stray cat my sister found. He
used to live in the garage and behaved like a
dog and like to be carried around like a baby,
and how allergic was I had beautiful, beautiful little Maltese
reach up and kissed you on the mouth. One time
(41:05):
I took my dad's movie camera to the mcconnon's house.
Half of the film was of Boots and what if
I went back and got the allergy shots again? And
it was my mother who said she was really allergic,
so I must be too, And what's the use? The
little Maltese was perfect. The next person who sees her
will snap her up in an instant. And I asked
them just to let me try a little dog who
wouldn't shed. The only thing my mother would let me
have were lizards, and I could take a zertech every day.
(41:27):
I'm so sorry, Tiny, I didn't realize I never said
goodbye to Boots. Maltese is gone. She's gone. She's gone,
and she's my dog. I know what. I could feel it.
She's my dog and she's gone. What happened next? Beggar's fiction.
It involves Rudy Giuliani back to the number one story
(41:53):
on the Countdown and the day I fell in love
with a dog for the first time and my girlfriend,
the former girlfriend TFGF and I left the puppy in
the pet shop. TFGF and I were walking me mid meltdown,
somehow now nearing the Park Avenue Armory, one block west
and four blocks north of the pet shop that I
(42:15):
thought we were still in. To her credit, TFGF had
kept me from throwing myself into traffic or dissolving into
a puddle on sixty second Street. The overwhelming sensation I
had was not one of having left the tiny puppy
in the shop, but of having left a part of
myself there that was my dog. And what was worse
(42:37):
was she was obviously going to be taken by somebody
else even before I got back there, even if we
turned around right away. Who could resist her? I certainly hadn't.
My chaotic stream of consciousness monologue paused only when I
had no choice but to shut up and gasp for breath,
and the comments with which TFGF tried to soothe me
in these moments were self abnegating and solemn. She had
(43:00):
talked me off the limb of my certainty that the
dog had already been sold, and was now steering me
back towards sanity. I had to, she would say, later
you were having a breakdown. She said we should go home,
and if I wanted to talk seriously about the practicalities
of owning the dog, we could do that and still
get the puppy the next morning, even if it meant
delaying her departure for DC. Don't worry. I'm sure she's
(43:23):
still there. They were getting ready to close. She'll be
there in the morning. I exhaled, and then I repanicked.
She's she's I sniffed anew and the tears resumed. She's
in that cage with that brother of hers in the
basement somewhere. Before TFGF could answer, and I swear this
(43:44):
is true, Rudy Giuliani spilled down the stairs from the
armory we were passing. A cop suddenly appeared from a
different nowhere and put out an arm and firmly asked
us to stop walking, and Julianiley scuttled rodent like into
a waiting car. A wife was with him. I did
not I do not know which number. The driver was
(44:07):
already closing the door behind them when I shouted it,
how come my dog has to spend the night in
a cage while that ass hat is allowed to roam
around this city without a leash on him. Later that evening,
TFGF said that was the first moment she thought we
might just get home safe and sound. After all, it
(44:28):
was not ten more minutes back to my apartment, and
we walked it in silence. Now I had long since
saturated my handkerchief and some tissues TFGF had in her pockets.
I was breathing deeply and restoratively. Now the sniffle frequency
reduced to once or twice per block, and my mind
was crowded with the dogs I had known, Boots, Tiny,
(44:50):
Vladimir the Cat, even tfgf's little Casey dying out in
Jersey and unaware of the seismic events which she had
set in motion. I was thinking of other dogs. To
all of the dogs in all of the stories of
James Thurber that I read on TV Friday night, I
had smiled along with his poetic descriptions of them, but
never confessed I loved them as he must have. There
(45:15):
was Samantha, who my late friend Bruce Hagen used to
bring everywhere, including our college radio station newsroom, the first
really big dog who did not frighten me. My great
aunt's Yorky whose gas was so potent that the Christmas
just before I turned nine, my great uncle said he
was convinced she had been a German terror weapon at
Chateau Terry in the First World War, and he and
(45:35):
I had bonded because I knew what Chateau Terry was.
There was Nellie McNally, the only dog that any of
my sontimes out of town girlfriends ever had actually put
on the phone with me. In my mind, they all
stood before me, all lined up, all quiet, smiling, all
with the kindest type of I told you so, dummy
(45:57):
on their wonderful faces, and dozens more behind them, vague
shapes and sizes, who belonged to neighbors or co workers,
pastor who were just chance encounters on the streets of
any of a dozen cities decades before. No, I'm sorry,
she said, I shouldn't have been that selfish, But now
I disagreed with her, and as I unlocked the apartment door,
(46:18):
I began to tell her of the dogs I had
just been communing with in my mind, and what had
suddenly become necessary, urgent, inevitable, and perfect, but about which
I needed as much detail as I could in as
short a period as possible. TFGF tried, well, you just
take the dog wherever you can. My parents have been
saying this a lot lately. Now they regret not doing
(46:40):
more things with Casey, not adventures, not kayaking, just taking
her with them, or going out in the yard, or
just holding her while they watched TV. You just let
the dog in. We went through topic after topic, cleaning, training, handling,
poop walks, food, puppy sitters, moving books off ground level shelves, discipline,
(47:02):
and most importantly of all, of backup plan in case
this epiphany was false and or I was still allergic
or terrified or incoonfident or all three. I don't think
it'll take much to convince my parents to take her.
I mean, even after Casey recovers and I can take
(47:23):
her with me to DC tomorrow, I'll bring her back
next weekend. So you can get the apartment ready, and
you can get you ready, and you don't have to
go in at the deep end right away, I interrupted
her with a kiss, Let's go back there before they close.
I don't want to wait till morning. I'm still terrified
somebody else will realize how extraordinary she is. Unexpectedly I
(47:46):
had a moment of doubt. At this point, this isn't
just me having a breakdown, right, I mean, she is extraordinary.
I'm having a breakdown, and she is extraordinary, isn't she.
TFGF stopped being nice and now for the first time,
looked at me like I'd just gone crazy, even though
I just had gone crazy. Obviously, She said that was
a real kiss. The pet shop had stayed open, partly
(48:07):
because TFGF phoned them as we hit the street outside
of the apartment building, and partly because they knew you
were coming back. Jeffrey said, you just see it sometimes. Also,
you seemed kind of emotional. TFGFF helpfully mentioned that I'd
had a breakdown. They had all the paraphernalia ready, a
(48:29):
little aquabed, a series of attached gates that could be
used as a pen or a barrier, a small pink blanket,
a bag of training pads and the plastic pad holder,
enough dry food to last twelve to fourteen months, some
horrific wet food that looked like a discarded early design
for liverwurst, a few chew toys, a bright pink harness
and a leash as light as a ribbon, A black
(48:51):
carrying bag and paperwork with the puppies family tree, which,
to my astonishment, stretched back beyond her birth one week
shive three months before, through the six preceding generations, all
the way back to six entire years early. In addition
to all this, they could have included a moped, a
stock portfolio to guarantee your college education, and I'm all
(49:12):
tease sized typewriter with a twenty year supply of replacement ribbons,
and I would have also bought them. Very nice lady
named Ellie tried to train me to be a dog
owner in about ninety four seconds and handed me a
voucher for a vet and a checklist of stuff to do.
I signed a credit card bill. I think I used
my own name. I absolved myself of the guilt of
(49:33):
not getting a sheltered dog because I was allergic and
kind of had to go the shop route. Plus I
was not looking for a dog. I had actually fallen
in love at first sight with this dog. And lastly,
because no matter how the obvious and often tragic flaws
in this system, there was no arguing with the fact
that those dogs who came from a pet shop had
as much of a right to a happy life as
(49:55):
any other dog. At that moment, they produced her from
the back room behind the block of cages where we
had first seen her. Her curls had been fluffed up
and her hair freshly brushed. It would be lovely to
say she made eye contact them across the shop floor,
or was aware of our presence, or yipped happily at
the sight of me, and it would be completely untrue.
(50:17):
The little Maltese calmly scanned the room, only occasionally glancing
up at the manager who carried her, and not once
at us, until she was, without ceremony or comment, handed
to me, whereupon she immediately twisted out of my trembling hands,
stuck her front paws on my chest, and reached up
to give me a kiss on the lips, and then another,
(50:40):
and a third, and my sunglasses hid the tears that
welled up again. I managed to ask if they all
did that. No, came the answer from that salesman, Jeffrey. Honestly,
like I told you, sweetest puff we've had here in months,
loves people, loves people. I'm sad to see her go.
I marveled, and how light she was, and yet how
(51:03):
articulated on strong her body was. Her eyes were far
more beautiful than I had realized, oversized even for a puppy,
almost no white visible, the reflection off the deep brown
irises almost iridescent. And more astonishingly, this little soul, who
was about two hundred and twelfth my age, at about
one eighty seventh my weight, and who had a great
(51:25):
great great great grandmother born in two thousand and six,
when my great great great great grandmother was born in
like eighteen hundred, she was meeting and holding my gaze
with her own. Whatever I was seeing in her eyes,
whatever the inner being I was actually processing, she seemed
to be doing her equivalent vetting. I gave her a
(51:48):
little kiss, and was by now not surprised when she
kissed me again. The little tongue poked out a fraction
of an inch, just enough so any one of us dumb,
unsettled bipeds could tell she meant it. And then she
relaxed from her upright pose and settled back into my arms,
her head in the crook of my right elbow, in
an attitude I would soon discover she would repeat every
(52:08):
time I ever picked her up. A couple hours later,
the name came to me her haircut. It was Stevie
Nix's haircut. I named her Stevie. I've done all the
(52:37):
damage I can do here. Wait a minute, hold on,
let's just let's stop the music just for a second. Stevie,
you want to treat? You been a good girl lately.
I mean we didn't mention your birthday on the air.
I'm very sorry about that. Do you want to treat?
We'll say something. Stevie, you want to treat? Come on,
(53:00):
say that again? Okay? Do you want to tell them
about physical therapy? Stevie couldn't walk three months ago. She
had had a problem with both of her back knees.
She tore an acl and she had an immune disease,
and these things combined and made it impossible for her
to walk. And she has been going to physical therapy
at the Animal Medical Center ever since. She's learned how
(53:21):
to swim. She gets massages and she gets laser treatments
every week and she has a great time. And this
is the hospital that she has always treated as if
it were a spa. She has a very high threshold
for pain. So through cancer treatments and surgery and half
a dozen other things that have gone wrong. She's always
kept a smile on her face because they've treated her
(53:43):
so well there, and she's had such a good time.
She's always acted like it was a spa. Well here
it is after ten years of going there. They give
her spa treatments. They put her in the water, They
blow dry her hair. They often trim her nails to
make sure that they get the whole imprint of her
feet right, to make sure her gait is okay, and
she's regained the ability to walk. She goes a swim,
(54:05):
she goes in an underwater treadmill to work out. As
I said, they use lasers on her knees, and then
they end the whole thing with doing her hair and
giving her a massage. It's a spa. She was right,
My girl, Stevie eleven years old and the anniversary coming
up too. All right, you were good enough to sit
through this. You want that treat? Now say it again
(54:26):
one more time. You want this treet say it. You
don't have to sit, you don't have to be quiet.
She's sitting the one time she's sitting at being quiet.
Say something, Do you want this treat? Yes or no? Yes? Yes, yes,
Well you're twirling but say yes, do you want this treat?
All right? Thank you very much. All right, you've indulged
(54:50):
me long enough. Okay, remember celebrate Stevie Day responsibly. Please
adopt no more than two dogs, all right, three, but
(55:15):
no more than three? All right. Four. I've done all
the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening.
Countdown has come to you from the Vin Scully Studios
at the Olderman Broadcasting Empire in New York in the
Stevie Building. The music you heard was for the most part, arranged, produced,
and performed by Countdown musical directors Brian Ray and John
Phillip Schanel. Brian Ray handled the guitars, bass, and drums,
(55:39):
and John Phillip Schanel did the orchestration and keyboards. And
it was all produced by Tko Brothers. Other music, including
other Beethoven tunes, arranged and performed by the group No
Horns Allowed. The sports music is courtesy of ESPN Incorporated.
It was written by Mitch Warren Davis. We call it
the Olderman theme from ESPN two. Our satirical and pithy
musical comments are by Nancy Faust, the best baseball stadium
(56:02):
organist ever. I aren't out today. He was my friend
Jonathan Banks from breaking bad. Everything else was pretty much
my fault. So that's countdown for this, the nine hundred
and ninety seventh day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup
against the democratically elected government of the United States. Convict
him now while we still can. The next scheduled countdown
is Tuesday. Bulletin's as the news warrants, or if I
(56:25):
feel like we really have to celebrate the one thousandth
day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup in any event,
till then, I'm Keith Oldermman. Good morning, good afternoon, goodnight,
and good luck.
Speaker 2 (56:39):
Is a kazahstani Oglia Gark.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
Countdown with Keith Olriman is a production of iHeartRadio. For
more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. We
all know what globalists means, right, We all know what
(00:26):
globalists is a euphemism for what it means among the
Qanons and the fascists and the Magas and the Trumpists
and the Republicans. Right as ever, in the endless flow
of perversion and evil and sickness coming out of Trump,
there is so much all at once that you can
(00:48):
miss some of it. Wednesday in Detroit at the fake
rally with the fake union members, you.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Need to send a message and join the ultimate strike
against the globalist class by casting your vote for.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
He followed that up with a social media post quoting,
of course himself, same thing, join the ultimate strike against
the globalist class. And of course that is the rare
double dog whistle, because to anti Semites like Trump, globalist
means Jews, but it also has a clean meaning dealing
(01:21):
with the interconnections of the modern world internationally. And he
got away with strike there because he was nominally addressing
the labor action by the United Auto Workers. And of course,
if you think he was telling his cult of thugs
to take labor action against those dealing with the interconnections
of the modern world. Congratulations on awakening from your nine
(01:42):
year coma. Trump began to covertly attack Jewish people as
soon as his presidential campaign began. He threatened globalists at
the United Nations. This is nothing new, but the use
of that term ultimate strike should set off any remaining
(02:03):
alarm bells which have not been ringing continuously all this time.
This is not a complicated calculation. If Donald Trump determined
that he could get elected by beginning a full fledged
Paulgrom against Jewish people, Jewish influence, Jewish whatever, he'd do it.
(02:24):
When we speak of him as having the soul of
a mass murder, that's what we mean. People do not
have any actual value to him. They don't exist for him.
Reenact the Holocaust in whole or in part to get
re elected to stay out of jail. Of course, he'd
do that, and he'd do it to any group you
could name. If he became convinced that he could regain
(02:46):
the White House by rounding up and killing all the
left handed people, he would do it. But of course,
the issue of the globalists is one of the few
that actually resonates with something inside Trump's semi human brain
because he is an anti Semite. It is just two
(03:07):
weekends since he reposted a meme on Russiashana created by
some clown who used to be on this Real Housewives
of New Jersey show called Siggi flicker quote just a
quick reminder for liberal Jews who voted to destroy America
and Israel because you believe false narratives. Let's hope you
learned from your mistake and make better choices moving forward.
(03:30):
Happy New Year. And then there was a reference to
all the things Trump supposedly has done for Jewish people
and the rhetorical question, what Nazi anti Semite ever did this?
And this flicker woman misspelled Nazi. It was a year
ago when Trump insisted that American Jews quote have to
(03:50):
get their act together before it is too late, and
he again pushed the calumny that Jews are loyal to
Israel and not to the United States. And at the
White House on Hanaka once he referred to your country
meaning Israel. And the dinner with the avalidly anti Semitic
Nickes and Kanye West in the praising of Hitler to
his former chief of staff John Kelly, and the Vanity
Fair article from nineteen ninety quote. Iv Anna Trump told
(04:13):
her lawyer that from time to time her husband reads
a book of Hitler's collected speeches, which he keeps in
a cabinet by his bed, a story that was confirmed
by the former chief of Gulf and Western and Paramount
Marty Davis, who gave Trump that book. And I'm sorry
if this is all old news for you, but it
(04:33):
seems to me that the process of normalizing Trump began
when we stopped reviewing at least the worst evidence of
his malignancies each time he added to one of his
countless lists of them. Join the Ultimate Strike against the
globalist class is not some random throwaway line. He did
(04:57):
it in Detroit because who knows, the fact that he
was talking about an actual auto worker's strike gave him
the opportunity, or it was an homage to the great
anti Semite role model Henry Ford. Who knows. But if
a man is standing there holding a gun and nothing
(05:17):
happens to you for minutes or hours, or days or years,
you do, in fact begin to get used to the
idea that the man is holding a gun, and you
do begin to stop thinking that he is about to
use it. He just told voters to join him as
he uses the goddamned gun in the ultimate strike against
(05:43):
the globalist class. Doesn't mean anything. What are you worried about?
It's just rhetoric. Doesn't mean a thing unless it will
get him into the White House, or after he's already
in the White House, unless it'll keep him there. Oh
(06:07):
and by the way, the New York Times photographer who
insisted those were union members Trump talked to in Detroit
finally has deleted his tweet it happened yesterday afternoon. The
impression note continues to linger that Trump was talking to
striking auto workers rather than non union parts manufacturer employees
who were ordered into that room by the owner of
(06:29):
their plant. And it lingers because Trump's people gave those
people signs reading auto workers for Trump and union members
for Trump, and the newspaper, the Detroit News, did what
every news organization should do every time for every Trump story.
The reporter went and asked the people holding the signs. Quote.
(06:54):
One individual in the crowd who held a sign that
said union members for Trump acknowledged that she wasn't a
union member. Another person with a sign that read audio
workers for Trump said he wasn't an auto worker. The
Detroit News buried it and paragraphed seventeen, but still they
did better than the New York Times initially did. And
(07:17):
of course nobody noticed that the line about the ultimate
strike against the globalist class happened during that speech. It
was not included in the Detroit News story anybody else's
story for that matter, or that when he said it
he was in Clinton Township, Michigan, or noted the coincidence
that he first used an anti semitic meme against Hillary
(07:41):
Clinton in twenty sixteen. There is a list somewhere, and
we know it has her name on it, along with
everybody else he's directed stochastic terror towards. The subtext to
all of it is that it doesn't really matter to Trump.
(08:03):
Maybe he was angry and general Mark Milly to briefly
have really endorsed the idea that the quote punishment would
have been death. But ultimately, again it's a calculation. If
he calculated that making Mark Milly his vice presidential running
mate would get him to the White House, he would
do it. And if you doubt that for a minute,
(08:26):
that when you peel back each layer of Trumpean psychosis
and cynicism and lack of belief in anything. All you
find is another layer of exactly the same thing. Every
once in a while it gets freshly confirmed for you.
The attack on the New York Judge Arthur anger On quote,
this political hack must be stopped. It's based on nothing.
(08:51):
What I mentioned yesterday turns out to be only the
half of it. Trump now insists mari Lago could be
worth two billion dollars, but anger On said it's worth
sixteen million. Therefore he must be stopped. As I mentioned,
three years ago, the tax assessors of Palm Beach County,
Florida said marri Lago was worth twenty six million, and
Trump said, no, that's too high. He appealed the tax assessment.
(09:17):
He wanted it to be worth less than twenty six million.
Now the website Messenger reports it turns out that on
November sixteenth, twenty twenty, Trump withdrew the appeal of the
tax assessment and agreed officially with the government that mari
A Lago is worth no more than twenty six million dollars.
So he has put anger On's life at risk because
(09:39):
anger On said the place was worth sixteen million, but
Trump agreed in writing in a filing that it's worth
twenty six million. And it's not just madness, it's mundanity.
We have a new page in the stochastic threats against
NBC in the entire news media too, the country threatening
(10:00):
treason bull crap, which I will grant. Trump probably does
believe that the outgoing editor of the Washington Post, Marty Barron,
has the inevitable book coming out, and in it he
says that during Trump's tenure in the White House, Trump
had Jared Kushner try to get the Post's publisher Fred
Ryan to fire him as editor because the paper thoroughly
(10:22):
covered Trump's conspiracy with Russia to illegally influence the twenty
sixteen election. Quoting the book with no delay and without pause.
During his four years as president, Trump and his team
would go after The Post and everyone else in the
media who didn't bend to his wishes. In December twenty nineteen,
Kushner would lean on Ryan to withdraw support for me
(10:44):
and our Russia investigation unquote. At one point, after a
dinner with the Post executives and Trump and Kushner, this
idiot NEPO baby and Nepo's son in law. Kushner thought
he was close to actually getting the Post to somehow
make it all up to Trump. Barn writes, Kushner quote
suggests did the Post issue an apology and there be
(11:08):
a reckoning of some sort, as he advised that he
himself had made a huge mistake in one standing by
a former editor of The New York Observer and one
of its stories when he owned the publication. Standing by
my editor at that time was the biggest regret in
the ten years I owned the newspaper, he wrote in
the email to Ryan, Kushner's intent was clear to me.
He aims to get me fired. I told Ryan, well,
(11:32):
I mean it's better than charging Baron with country threatening treason,
which sounds like something you get at the waffle house.
But it underlines something important that I've mentioned here twenty
thousand times. Kushner thought he was going to get Marty
Barron fired by the Post, or that he was going
to get the Post to retract its Russia coverage, or
(11:54):
he thought he was going to get Trump apologized to.
And he thought that because the companies that own news
organizations in this country think that way as well. There
is no question that they have met internally to discuss
how to keep Trump at bay and how to strategize
what they can do today to mitigate his vengeance if
(12:18):
he ever regains power, and the Kushner Marty Barron's story
indicates it's all a negotiation. So when you and I
might still have a glimmer of hope that the Post
or NBC News or the Times or somebody is going
to one day drop the story that destroys Trump, just
(12:38):
remember that even if they did not agree to, let
Trump help determine what they would and would not say
in the Washington Post about Trump. When the time came
in twenty seventeen that Trump believed he had the right
to negotiate these things, he summoned the Washington Post's publisher
and its editor, and they went to the White House
(13:00):
as ordered, which means they will do it again. Trial
round up. Jack Smith is to answer Trump's answer to
his gag order request. It is due by tomorrow. Past
practice suggests the Special Council could very easily submit it today.
(13:21):
There is also a twist in the stolen classified documents
case that I swear I did not see coming. In
filings made yesterday, Smith's office noted that two weeks ago,
at a hearing, the government stated that nine of the
documents are so sensitive, so secret, that they cannot be
kept in the secure facility the skiff that has been
(13:41):
arranged for Trump in Florida while they look for somewhere
in Florida even more secure than a skiff. Quote, these
documents can be made available in the Washington, DC area
for Defense Council's review at their convenience, call one eight
hundred secret docs to make an appointment. Nine of the
(14:03):
documents Trump stole are too secret to be kept in
the secret facility, but he had them in the bathroom
at crap Shack a Lago. This comes as the government
accuses Trump of trying to stall the Florida case to
push the entire pre trial schedule there back three months
rather than just delay a couple of pre trial hearings
(14:25):
about some of these secret documents. That way, nothing would
start in May of next year. Everything would start in
August of next year. He's trying to delay in DC
as well. Some pre trial motions are due in the
next two weeks. Trump wants until December. It is believed
he wants to stall before submitting this fabricated executive immunity nonsense,
(14:48):
and a change of venue motion, which are themselves stall tactics. Again,
this is under Judge Chutkin, who is inclined to punish
things like, you know, threatening to have a potential witness
like Mark Milly killed by the mob. She responds to
stuff like that that by starting the trial sooner. And
yet a third Trump delay has washed out. In New York,
(15:10):
the civil fraud trial will start Monday as scheduled, as
the Appellate Division rejected the lawsuit against the Judge oh In.
One other piece of litigiousness, the gossip section of the
New York Post, which is basically the whole paper, reports
that Milania Trump, you remember her, she's his quote wife, unquote,
(15:31):
Milania Trump has renegotiated her prenup. This is at least
the third time the Post quotes its unnamed source. It
claims she's doing this to make sure the trust package
for their son Baron is increased if Trump serves a
second term rather than serves a lifetime sentence. The Post
(15:53):
offers no other details, but you know, you have to
wonder whether in the renegotiations Milania got the rights to
any particular unused plot near one of the tees at
the Trump golf Course and Cemetery in Bedminster, New Jersey. Now,
(16:18):
as to the interference being run on Trump's behalf in Washington,
I happen to think that James Comer and Jim Jordan
and the other members of the House Oversight at Obstruction
of Justice Committee happened to be among the biggest idiots
in the history of the Congress. After their first Biden
impeachment inquiry hearing yesterday, it is clear I have overrated them.
(16:43):
Not only did their expert constitutional witness by one time
go to Attorney Guest John Turley say this, but he
wrote it in his prepared testimony, so they knew in advance,
with plenty of time to cancel him, that he was
going to say it, and they did not cancel him.
(17:04):
So he said this.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
In fact, I do not believe that the current evidence
would support articles of impeachment.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Good Lord, your first witness. It was so bad that
Fox's Neil Cavudo came on and said that rather than
the old saw being true that where there is smoke,
there is fire, in this case, where there is smoke,
there was just more smoke. Alexandria Ocasio Cortes erased Turley
and two other Republican witnesses in under one minute. In fact, mister.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Turley, I have a simple question for you in your
testimony today. Are you presenting any first hand witness account
of crimes committed by the President of the United States.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
No, you are not, Miss O'Connor. You are the second
Republican witness here today. Have you, in your testimony presented
any first hand witness account of crimes committed by the
President of the United States?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
I have not.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
Thank you now, mister Tubinski, as the and final Republican
witness in this hearing, have you, in your testimony presented
any firsthand witness account of crimes committed by the presidents
of the United States?
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I have not.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
And lastly, from literally the first weeks I went into
the news business in nineteen ninety seven, it was clear
to me that we are not paying our elected representatives
enough money to prevent the semi intelligent ones from avoiding
government service altogether and instead going to where the real
income potential is being a fry cook. The Washington Post
(18:38):
last night reported that the ultra fascists in the GOP
House Caucus have selected someone to replace Speaker McCarthy. It'd
be Tom Emmer of Minnesota. And ordinarily one would say,
who cares, what's the difference? Trot them out, bring in
a new one every week, do a college of speakers,
a new one every seven days. Everybody gets a turn,
(19:00):
except Tom Emmer is the House Majority whip. He's one
of my MacCarthy's leadership deputies. He responded to this horror
of disloyalty to the post with quote, I fully support
Speaker McCarthy. He knows that, and I know that I
have zero interest in palace intrigue. End of discussion, unquote,
(19:24):
I don't hear anything in there about I will not
become speaker. Plus it translates as when you oust McCarthy
and ask me to become speaker, I will pretend to hesitate,
and I will act reluctant for several minutes. To me,
the obvious choice to be the new Speaker of the
House when they do in McCarthy would be Chuck Edwards
(19:50):
of the North Carolina eleventh. Chuck Edwards, who covered himself
in glory. I covered himself in something at yesterday's impeachment inquiry,
hearing whatever Congressman Edward is trying to say here it
is clear he did not bother to read any of
(20:11):
it in advance.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Kennis Rocked Rocky Chef is a Kazastani oglia Gark who
was a director at Kazistan's state owned owl company. Importantly,
(20:35):
Rokyscheff maintains ties to Kareem Masimov.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Og Gark. I don't know how after that hearing you
could actually wind up embarrassing the James Comer Carr Crash Committee.
But Chuck Edwards managed to do it, Chuck Edwards, or
maybe I should call him, see who edna ed ed
(21:07):
Edward Edward did we have simultaneous translation on Congressman Edward's
there also of interest here. There are not enough words
to describe someone who finds out that a former business
associate and a member of their family are both battling cancer,
(21:30):
acknowledges that he's not certain that associate wants that fact known,
but still cannot resist, still cannot stop himself from announcing
this fact on his own podcast when the family in
fact did not want it revealed. There are not enough words.
I only need three words to describe that someone Kurt Shilling,
(21:56):
scumbag that's next. This is countdown. This is Countdown with
Keith Woman still ahead on Countdown. It's Stevie Day. Well,
(22:29):
tomorrow is Stevie Day. First time for the daily roundup
of the miscreants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who
constitute today's worse parsons in the world the Bronze. Following
up on one of yesterday's winners, It's Lunatics, Stu Peters
and Morgan Ariel now asserting on their streaming show that
(22:51):
Taylor Swift and her new boyfriend Travis Kelcey should be executed.
Ariel quote, if she's dating some high end, you know,
football player that is pushing the vaccine, then that's going
to raise the probability that they'll go out and get it.
Peters quote, these people are responsible for murder. They're actually
(23:12):
selling their souls and knowingly killing children with a DoD manufactured,
US government owned and deployed weapon of bio warfare. I
mean these people should be held to serious account. Unquote
this woman. Ariel quote, I think people deserve to be
publicly prosecuted and hung. I mean the same thing that
you say. I think we need justice in this country.
(23:33):
I think the celebrities that are pushing it, they should
be tried, and they don't have any conviction because their
god is Satan and they value money instead of human life.
Unquote Yet, clown girl, it's hanged. If you're busy thinking
about how Travis Kelcey might be hung, that raises all
kinds of different issues. And again the National Football League
(23:55):
is placing its Twitter ads next to posts from this guy.
Stu Pete Ers the runner up. Matt Gates, congressman and
professional button head impersonator. Big day for him. Yesterday Matt
got into a shouting match behind closed doors with speaker
Kevin McCarthy. He claimed McCarthy was paying social media influencers
to trash him, like you can't get millions of us
(24:17):
to do that for free. McCarthy then told House Republicans
he was donating five million dollars to their campaigns, and
Gates said, how much of that is from FTX or
Sam Bankman freed, whereupon the Indiana congresson French Hill spoke
for a weary nation when he shouted, quote, oh, f off,
(24:39):
but our winner, Kurt Shilling, I've gone through this story before.
The man is nuts. He's hateful, he's terrible at business,
he's terrible at broadcasting, and after twenty five years of
gradually becoming the most hated person in baseball, it would
seem impossible that he could reach a new high and low.
(24:59):
Yet there it is. Wednesday, on his podcast, Shilling announced
that the family of his former Red Sox teammate Tim Wakefield,
who is, by contrast, one of the most beloved persons
in baseball, was fighting cancer. This was a surprise, and
it was a surprise for a good reason. The Red
Sox yesterday released this statement quote, we are aware of
(25:21):
the statements and inquiries about the health of Tim and
Stacey Wakefield. Unfortunately, this information has been shared publicly without
their permission. Their health is a deeply personal matter they
intended to keep private as they navigate treatment and work
to tackle this disease. Tim and Stacy are appreciative of
(25:41):
the support and love that has always been extended to them,
and respectfully asked for privacy. At this time, Kurt Shilling
revealed the plight of these eminently decent people without their
knowledge or approval. In fact, apparently as he revealed it,
Shillings said he did not know if the Wakefields wanted
(26:03):
it known, and and yet he said it anyway. One
of the other things Kurt Shilling has said repeatedly during
his flights of bullying and self delusion is that if
he were ever to meet me, he would punch me
in the face. Kurt, being a moron, forgets that we
met first in nineteen ninety three when he was pitching
for the Philadelphia Phillies and I was broadcasting a game
(26:26):
for ESPN, and he professed being a fan of mine.
Then four years later, when I was working on NBC's
telecast of the Baseball World Series, NBC brought him in
to do features for the then embryonic internet feed they
put together. We traveled together for ten days. He asked
for my advice, several times. He sucked up to me repeatedly.
(26:48):
He interviewed me for his segment on the Internet. I
explain all this just to underscore what a fraud Kurt
Shilling is and that we have already met. So let
me advance this discussion a little bit. Kurt, You're a scumbag.
You have no redeeming features. You have failed that everything
you have tried, you have talked your way out of
recognition in the Baseball Hall of Fame that you would
(27:09):
otherwise probably deserve, and now you have abused and betrayed
Tim Wakefield. So if you and I ever meet again
and you want to try to punch me in the face,
go ahead, please do, and then on behalf of mankind.
Even though I'm giving away seven years in the process,
I will kick your ass. Kurt Shilling two days and
(27:35):
in fact every day's worst person in the world. Now
to my favorite topic, me and things I promise not
to tell, and a complete change of mood here from
(27:57):
the last item, because tomorrow is Stevie Day. I have
told you Stevie's story before four Well, sorry, I can't
resist telling you again because tomorrow is our anniversary eleven
years I've mentioned my dogs before. July first was Ted's
(28:19):
Gotcha day, five years since he came in to me
as a foster, and then I failed profoundly and he's
not a foster anymore. He's my little boy. A week
later is Stevie's birthday. It was the big one one
this year. Rose doesn't have anything to do with July.
She'll be almost ten, I guess in a couple of days.
(28:40):
And then a week after Stevie's birthday, Minee turned sixteen.
I've told you about mine. He's the rescue who had
outlived his human and they thought he had dementia, and
it turned out we had to take out all of
his teeth because they were rotten, and goodness, he really
didn't have dementia. He just had bad teeth. Once we
took them out, ninety percent of his fogging is cleared up,
(29:00):
and he's gained three pounds. And he takes the hard
treats and puts them in the water bowl and comes
back for them later and then pulls them out and
sucks on them like cough drops. And I don't know
if I know any people smart enough to do that.
And he is the best walker in the world. And
he leaps over the white stripes on the crosswalks, and
I thought he was confused, and then he did it
like sixteen times in one half hour walk, and I
(29:22):
realized he's doing it out of the sheer joy of
still being able to do it at the age of sixteen.
And he's now talking to me, and he understands much
of what I try to say to him, even though
he really only understands French. It's a long story, and
it all starts with Stevie eleven years ago. Because on
(29:43):
September thirtieth, twenty twelve, eleven years ago, not one word
of what I just said would have made any sense
to me. I had never had a dog, I'd had allergies,
I'd had travel, I'd had work. And then Olivia looked
at me and she said, I need a fix. On
(30:06):
September thirtieth, twenty twelve, my girlfriend's family dog was dying.
My girlfriend later, my ex girlfriend would not say that
the little dog was dying. Her folks would not say it.
A dog, Jack Russell Terrier was named Casey did her
best to be the only truthful one in the whole family.
(30:27):
She was moving purposely and unsteadily with every step, and
she was looking out at her world with a seeming
mixture of acceptance and sadness and regret that the one
time she really needed the bipeds to speak and act
for her, they would not. I just need for dogs,
(30:47):
not to mean sadness. Olivia said, just for a while,
can we go to that pet shop on Lex? I
mumbled that we could go, but that I had resisted
the dog entreaties of eleven girlfriends before her, and I
would successfully resist hers. I had always loved dogs, but
I was really allergic to them, and my doctors had
(31:08):
all said that even hypoallergenic dogs were a crap shoot.
She said, I do not want a dog. I am
not trying to convince you to get us a dog.
I just want to hold a puppy for a little while.
She paused, as she always did when she felt both
hopeless and angry at being at the mercy of feelings,
(31:28):
and she lapsed into the shrug emoji. As sappy as
that sounds, Olivia the girlfriend the former girlfriend, let me
make this easier on both of us. We'll call her TFGF.
The former girlfriend TFGF and I left for the pet
shop in midafternoon, and I told her my true fear
here that my native but dormant shared affinity with dogs
(31:50):
would all of a moment spring fully grown from my soul,
and I would blurt, just give me all of them.
I mean, what kind of life could I offer a dog?
I was on television and thus always in a television studio,
and thus never home for play or walks or just
the prevention of canine loneliness. I had a girlfriend who
(32:11):
lived out of town. Half the time, I was clueless
as to every practical aspect of the dog thing. I
had littered the continent with dead house plants, and I
no longer thought myself capable of pulling my ego out
of my backside sufficiently to take care of fish. I
had literally not had a pet of any kind since
nineteen sixty seven. I had come to terms with living
(32:35):
in a wistful, hazy world in which I might inadvertently
have a dog pal for a few moments, but almost
never indoors, and never without the pang of knowing that
the hello itself contained the start of the goodbye. And
I was allergic. I was allergic to the obvious big, furry,
friendly dogs, and I might be allergic to the ones
(32:57):
that were built as non allergic. And if I disobeyed
this immutable cannon, the buried tears of permanent exclusion might
be replaced by far worse ones of separation and loss.
Me I would get over it, probably, but without overvaluing
myself too much to betray the love of a dog
to send a dog back because of allergies. As TFGF
(33:24):
and I approached the shop, there was, as there almost
always is, there a small crowd undulating around it. Lexington
Avenue's narrow sidewalks make these human clots easier to form,
even late on the first Sunday of autumn. There is
also an obstacle course of grates and cellar doors and bikes,
chained poles and parking meters and canopies for diners and
(33:46):
restaurants and mattress showrooms and other places. They're not quite seedy,
but also aren't quite your first choice. The uptown edges
of the grime and noise that constitute the maze of
fifty ninth Street Bridge approaches lend the place a congested
feel even when it's otherwise. We are three blocks up
(34:07):
from the trying just a little too hard merchandising of Bloomingdale's.
There are unwashed delivery trucks, double parked three hundred and
sixty five days a year, and then totally out of
place amid the prosaic trappings of a big city at
its most meh. There they are bouncing off each other,
tearing infinitely at other, tiny heads and tails and paws
(34:29):
doing a seeming pantomime of dismemberment. Their yips and the
crunch of the shredded cavorting paper are just audible through
the glass and over the din of the street. They
create an oasis of cute. And just in case you
can't tell what they are, there's this big Neon sign
above their street front window that reads puppies. Don't make
(34:53):
me go in, I pleaded. She reassured me. We'd go in.
She'd hold the dog. All I had to do was
take a picture. You don't understand. I reached for her hand.
What I'm trying to saying is I always wanted a dog,
but I could never have a dog. Just as the
door to the shop opened, she grabbed my arm. She
yanked hard, She swore, and she muttered, you'll survive. Man up.
(35:17):
Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't make
eye contact. Don't make eye contact. We were going towards
puppies and past puppies, and the appearance of a small
staircase to a training loft confirmed we were now going
under puppies. And in the deepest recesses of the shop,
there was a wall of puppies two hour right, three
cages high, six across, all a yellowish beige behind a
(35:39):
reddish brown for micah countertop, then a structural beam, and
then three cages high two across, then a corner with
a small visiting pen built into the countertop. Then right
in front of me the Hollywood squares of puppies three high,
three across, and all of their inmates, all nine of them,
staring at me and screaming at me and making eye
(35:59):
contact and saying, by esp take me home. A salesman
now introduced himself as Jeffrey, and Jeffrey asked if TFGF
had any particular dog she wanted him to bring to her.
Let me see the Maltese the girl. In that moment,
two things struck me. Firstly, this was my cue to
(36:20):
get the phone out and prepared to take the photo
of her with the puppy. Secondly, the dog, whom the
salesman was now temporarily liberating from the surprisingly spare cage,
was the only living soul inside that pet shop besides me,
who was not making any damn noise. Every other puppy
was perfecting its adolescent bark. The cats were making a
(36:41):
bewildering variety of noises, and was that a Norwegian blue
parrot squawk? Remarkable bird The Norwegian blue. Isn't it beautiful plumage?
This Maltese said nothing. She looked like her torso would
easily fit in one of my hands if she was
three pounds. A quarter of it was hair and half
of that was curled, and presumably somebody came by every
(37:02):
day to turn what sat atop her head into a
mohawk up top and a mullet in the back. Her
cage mate brother seemed a little bigger, but his eyes
were clearly smaller, and their ocular contrast was immediately visible,
even if you still had forlorn hopes of avoiding eye contact.
His shown hers were illuminated. He tried to get past
(37:26):
her into the salesman's arms. She simply lifted up her
head towards him, and it actually crossed my mind that
she looked like she was about to say, Hi, Jeffrey,
how are you today? He put her gently down in
the playpen at the right corner of the counter. TFGF
asked if she could pick the puppy up, and nodded
to me to get the camera ready. Honestly, Jeffrey said,
(37:46):
this is the sweetest dog we've had in here for months.
I say that every day to almost everybody, but this
time I'm actually not lying. TFGFF cradled the Maltese in
her arms, with the dog's head facing to my right.
I tapped the camera on the phone. My hand was
already shaking as I sent it up to DGF and
the puppy in the frame. The Maltese suddenly wiggled upright,
(38:08):
placed her front paws on my girlfriend's chest, and just
as I snapped the image, the dog reached up and
kissed my girlfriend on the lips. I am, on occasion,
completely incapable of remembering anything that happened in my entire
life before that moment. TFGF made the appropriate sounds of approval.
(38:34):
Jeffrey began discussing how little grooming the Maltese breed needs
and the great price he could give us, and even
as my head spun, it seemed silly to me that
he was calculating the tax on something that was obviously
timelessly and eternally priceless. TFGF said something about how we
needed a minute outside to discuss it, and she handed
the puppy back to Jeffrey, and the dog looked at
(38:55):
each each of us and as if she was about
to say nice to meet you. As the pup went
back up into the cage with her brother, something extraordinary happened.
The little girl was reaching her head up towards the
spout of the cage's water bottle with the same graceful
movement she had made to bestow that kiss on TFGF
(39:17):
when her brother puppy abruptly body slammed her out of
the way, and her tiny frame bounced off the side
of the cage. And then, to my shock and confusion,
a deep and threatening growl, a vengeful h reverberated throughout
the pet shop. The growl was coming from me. The
(39:42):
next sounds were from TFGF, My God, what's wrong with you?
I didn't know it at the time, but as we
turned to fight our way back out through the shop
to the street, I evidently half skidded into a display
full of chew toys. They nearly toppled to the floor.
I nearly toppled to the floor. I couldn't see, but
I didn't recognize my own tears until they hit the
(40:02):
edges of my lips. Somehow I managed to say it again,
this time in despair. I always wanted a dog, but
I could never have one. She suddenly realized what had happened.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm an asshole. TFGF was now
holding me upright and steering me towards the door to
the street. I didn't listen to you. I'm an asshole.
I'm an asshole. You told me. I didn't believe you.
(40:22):
I'm so sorry. Well now the stories came pouring out,
all jumbled, one on top of the other. Tiny, the
Saint Bernard at the Katz and Steins. He only wanted
to embrace me. He wasn't trying to eat me. And
the mcconnon's mutt next door, Boots used to come sit
on my lap, and Tiny didn't make me sneeze. He
only scared me. And the mcconnons had three boys and
(40:43):
a mother who baked cookies by the car load. Lot
and Boots never left their side, and I was always
at their house. And if I was allergic, how was
it that I never once had a problem with Boots?
How in the hell did that work? Huh? And what
about Vladimir or the stray cat my sister found. He
used to live in the garage and behaved like a
dog and like to be carried around like a baby,
and how allergic was I had beautiful, beautiful little Maltese
reach up and kissed you on the mouth. One time
(41:05):
I took my dad's movie camera to the mcconnon's house.
Half of the film was of Boots and what if
I went back and got the allergy shots again? And
it was my mother who said she was really allergic,
so I must be too, And what's the use? The
little Maltese was perfect. The next person who sees her
will snap her up in an instant. And I asked
them just to let me try a little dog who
wouldn't shed. The only thing my mother would let me
have were lizards, and I could take a zertech every day.
(41:27):
I'm so sorry, Tiny, I didn't realize I never said
goodbye to Boots. Maltese is gone. She's gone. She's gone,
and she's my dog. I know what. I could feel it.
She's my dog and she's gone. What happened next? Beggar's fiction.
It involves Rudy Giuliani back to the number one story
(41:53):
on the Countdown and the day I fell in love
with a dog for the first time and my girlfriend,
the former girlfriend TFGF and I left the puppy in
the pet shop. TFGF and I were walking me mid meltdown,
somehow now nearing the Park Avenue Armory, one block west
and four blocks north of the pet shop that I
(42:15):
thought we were still in. To her credit, TFGF had
kept me from throwing myself into traffic or dissolving into
a puddle on sixty second Street. The overwhelming sensation I
had was not one of having left the tiny puppy
in the shop, but of having left a part of
myself there that was my dog. And what was worse
(42:37):
was she was obviously going to be taken by somebody
else even before I got back there, even if we
turned around right away. Who could resist her? I certainly hadn't.
My chaotic stream of consciousness monologue paused only when I
had no choice but to shut up and gasp for breath,
and the comments with which TFGF tried to soothe me
in these moments were self abnegating and solemn. She had
(43:00):
talked me off the limb of my certainty that the
dog had already been sold, and was now steering me
back towards sanity. I had to, she would say, later
you were having a breakdown. She said we should go home,
and if I wanted to talk seriously about the practicalities
of owning the dog, we could do that and still
get the puppy the next morning, even if it meant
delaying her departure for DC. Don't worry. I'm sure she's
(43:23):
still there. They were getting ready to close. She'll be
there in the morning. I exhaled, and then I repanicked.
She's she's I sniffed anew and the tears resumed. She's
in that cage with that brother of hers in the
basement somewhere. Before TFGF could answer, and I swear this
(43:44):
is true, Rudy Giuliani spilled down the stairs from the
armory we were passing. A cop suddenly appeared from a
different nowhere and put out an arm and firmly asked
us to stop walking, and Julianiley scuttled rodent like into
a waiting car. A wife was with him. I did
not I do not know which number. The driver was
(44:07):
already closing the door behind them when I shouted it,
how come my dog has to spend the night in
a cage while that ass hat is allowed to roam
around this city without a leash on him. Later that evening,
TFGF said that was the first moment she thought we
might just get home safe and sound. After all, it
(44:28):
was not ten more minutes back to my apartment, and
we walked it in silence. Now I had long since
saturated my handkerchief and some tissues TFGF had in her pockets.
I was breathing deeply and restoratively. Now the sniffle frequency
reduced to once or twice per block, and my mind
was crowded with the dogs I had known, Boots, Tiny,
(44:50):
Vladimir the Cat, even tfgf's little Casey dying out in
Jersey and unaware of the seismic events which she had
set in motion. I was thinking of other dogs. To
all of the dogs in all of the stories of
James Thurber that I read on TV Friday night, I
had smiled along with his poetic descriptions of them, but
never confessed I loved them as he must have. There
(45:15):
was Samantha, who my late friend Bruce Hagen used to
bring everywhere, including our college radio station newsroom, the first
really big dog who did not frighten me. My great
aunt's Yorky whose gas was so potent that the Christmas
just before I turned nine, my great uncle said he
was convinced she had been a German terror weapon at
Chateau Terry in the First World War, and he and
(45:35):
I had bonded because I knew what Chateau Terry was.
There was Nellie McNally, the only dog that any of
my sontimes out of town girlfriends ever had actually put
on the phone with me. In my mind, they all
stood before me, all lined up, all quiet, smiling, all
with the kindest type of I told you so, dummy
(45:57):
on their wonderful faces, and dozens more behind them, vague
shapes and sizes, who belonged to neighbors or co workers,
pastor who were just chance encounters on the streets of
any of a dozen cities decades before. No, I'm sorry,
she said, I shouldn't have been that selfish, But now
I disagreed with her, and as I unlocked the apartment door,
(46:18):
I began to tell her of the dogs I had
just been communing with in my mind, and what had
suddenly become necessary, urgent, inevitable, and perfect, but about which
I needed as much detail as I could in as
short a period as possible. TFGF tried, well, you just
take the dog wherever you can. My parents have been
saying this a lot lately. Now they regret not doing
(46:40):
more things with Casey, not adventures, not kayaking, just taking
her with them, or going out in the yard, or
just holding her while they watched TV. You just let
the dog in. We went through topic after topic, cleaning, training, handling,
poop walks, food, puppy sitters, moving books off ground level shelves, discipline,
(47:02):
and most importantly of all, of backup plan in case
this epiphany was false and or I was still allergic
or terrified or incoonfident or all three. I don't think
it'll take much to convince my parents to take her.
I mean, even after Casey recovers and I can take
(47:23):
her with me to DC tomorrow, I'll bring her back
next weekend. So you can get the apartment ready, and
you can get you ready, and you don't have to
go in at the deep end right away, I interrupted
her with a kiss, Let's go back there before they close.
I don't want to wait till morning. I'm still terrified
somebody else will realize how extraordinary she is. Unexpectedly I
(47:46):
had a moment of doubt. At this point, this isn't
just me having a breakdown, right, I mean, she is extraordinary.
I'm having a breakdown, and she is extraordinary, isn't she.
TFGF stopped being nice and now for the first time,
looked at me like I'd just gone crazy, even though
I just had gone crazy. Obviously, She said that was
a real kiss. The pet shop had stayed open, partly
(48:07):
because TFGF phoned them as we hit the street outside
of the apartment building, and partly because they knew you
were coming back. Jeffrey said, you just see it sometimes. Also,
you seemed kind of emotional. TFGFF helpfully mentioned that I'd
had a breakdown. They had all the paraphernalia ready, a
(48:29):
little aquabed, a series of attached gates that could be
used as a pen or a barrier, a small pink blanket,
a bag of training pads and the plastic pad holder,
enough dry food to last twelve to fourteen months, some
horrific wet food that looked like a discarded early design
for liverwurst, a few chew toys, a bright pink harness
and a leash as light as a ribbon, A black
(48:51):
carrying bag and paperwork with the puppies family tree, which,
to my astonishment, stretched back beyond her birth one week
shive three months before, through the six preceding generations, all
the way back to six entire years early. In addition
to all this, they could have included a moped, a
stock portfolio to guarantee your college education, and I'm all
(49:12):
tease sized typewriter with a twenty year supply of replacement ribbons,
and I would have also bought them. Very nice lady
named Ellie tried to train me to be a dog
owner in about ninety four seconds and handed me a
voucher for a vet and a checklist of stuff to do.
I signed a credit card bill. I think I used
my own name. I absolved myself of the guilt of
(49:33):
not getting a sheltered dog because I was allergic and
kind of had to go the shop route. Plus I
was not looking for a dog. I had actually fallen
in love at first sight with this dog. And lastly,
because no matter how the obvious and often tragic flaws
in this system, there was no arguing with the fact
that those dogs who came from a pet shop had
as much of a right to a happy life as
(49:55):
any other dog. At that moment, they produced her from
the back room behind the block of cages where we
had first seen her. Her curls had been fluffed up
and her hair freshly brushed. It would be lovely to
say she made eye contact them across the shop floor,
or was aware of our presence, or yipped happily at
the sight of me, and it would be completely untrue.
(50:17):
The little Maltese calmly scanned the room, only occasionally glancing
up at the manager who carried her, and not once
at us, until she was, without ceremony or comment, handed
to me, whereupon she immediately twisted out of my trembling hands,
stuck her front paws on my chest, and reached up
to give me a kiss on the lips, and then another,
(50:40):
and a third, and my sunglasses hid the tears that
welled up again. I managed to ask if they all
did that. No, came the answer from that salesman, Jeffrey. Honestly,
like I told you, sweetest puff we've had here in months,
loves people, loves people. I'm sad to see her go.
I marveled, and how light she was, and yet how
(51:03):
articulated on strong her body was. Her eyes were far
more beautiful than I had realized, oversized even for a puppy,
almost no white visible, the reflection off the deep brown
irises almost iridescent. And more astonishingly, this little soul, who
was about two hundred and twelfth my age, at about
one eighty seventh my weight, and who had a great
(51:25):
great great great grandmother born in two thousand and six,
when my great great great great grandmother was born in
like eighteen hundred, she was meeting and holding my gaze
with her own. Whatever I was seeing in her eyes,
whatever the inner being I was actually processing, she seemed
to be doing her equivalent vetting. I gave her a
(51:48):
little kiss, and was by now not surprised when she
kissed me again. The little tongue poked out a fraction
of an inch, just enough so any one of us dumb,
unsettled bipeds could tell she meant it. And then she
relaxed from her upright pose and settled back into my arms,
her head in the crook of my right elbow, in
an attitude I would soon discover she would repeat every
(52:08):
time I ever picked her up. A couple hours later,
the name came to me her haircut. It was Stevie
Nix's haircut. I named her Stevie. I've done all the
(52:37):
damage I can do here. Wait a minute, hold on,
let's just let's stop the music just for a second. Stevie,
you want to treat? You been a good girl lately.
I mean we didn't mention your birthday on the air.
I'm very sorry about that. Do you want to treat?
We'll say something. Stevie, you want to treat? Come on,
(53:00):
say that again? Okay? Do you want to tell them
about physical therapy? Stevie couldn't walk three months ago. She
had had a problem with both of her back knees.
She tore an acl and she had an immune disease,
and these things combined and made it impossible for her
to walk. And she has been going to physical therapy
at the Animal Medical Center ever since. She's learned how
(53:21):
to swim. She gets massages and she gets laser treatments
every week and she has a great time. And this
is the hospital that she has always treated as if
it were a spa. She has a very high threshold
for pain. So through cancer treatments and surgery and half
a dozen other things that have gone wrong. She's always
kept a smile on her face because they've treated her
(53:43):
so well there, and she's had such a good time.
She's always acted like it was a spa. Well here
it is after ten years of going there. They give
her spa treatments. They put her in the water, They
blow dry her hair. They often trim her nails to
make sure that they get the whole imprint of her
feet right, to make sure her gait is okay, and
she's regained the ability to walk. She goes a swim,
(54:05):
she goes in an underwater treadmill to work out. As
I said, they use lasers on her knees, and then
they end the whole thing with doing her hair and
giving her a massage. It's a spa. She was right,
My girl, Stevie eleven years old and the anniversary coming
up too. All right, you were good enough to sit
through this. You want that treat? Now say it again
(54:26):
one more time. You want this treet say it. You
don't have to sit, you don't have to be quiet.
She's sitting the one time she's sitting at being quiet.
Say something, Do you want this treat? Yes or no? Yes? Yes, yes,
Well you're twirling but say yes, do you want this treat?
All right? Thank you very much. All right, you've indulged
(54:50):
me long enough. Okay, remember celebrate Stevie Day responsibly. Please
adopt no more than two dogs, all right, three, but
(55:15):
no more than three? All right. Four. I've done all
the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening.
Countdown has come to you from the Vin Scully Studios
at the Olderman Broadcasting Empire in New York in the
Stevie Building. The music you heard was for the most part, arranged, produced,
and performed by Countdown musical directors Brian Ray and John
Phillip Schanel. Brian Ray handled the guitars, bass, and drums,
(55:39):
and John Phillip Schanel did the orchestration and keyboards. And
it was all produced by Tko Brothers. Other music, including
other Beethoven tunes, arranged and performed by the group No
Horns Allowed. The sports music is courtesy of ESPN Incorporated.
It was written by Mitch Warren Davis. We call it
the Olderman theme from ESPN two. Our satirical and pithy
musical comments are by Nancy Faust, the best baseball stadium
(56:02):
organist ever. I aren't out today. He was my friend
Jonathan Banks from breaking bad. Everything else was pretty much
my fault. So that's countdown for this, the nine hundred
and ninety seventh day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup
against the democratically elected government of the United States. Convict
him now while we still can. The next scheduled countdown
is Tuesday. Bulletin's as the news warrants, or if I
(56:25):
feel like we really have to celebrate the one thousandth
day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup in any event,
till then, I'm Keith Oldermman. Good morning, good afternoon, goodnight,
and good luck.
Speaker 2 (56:39):
Is a kazahstani Oglia Gark.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
Countdown with Keith Olriman is a production of iHeartRadio. For
more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
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