September 19, 2023 • 29 mins
Young love feels like it'll last forever - until it doesn't. Emmy and Hilda unpack the end of her marriage to Neto, and the beginning of a new love.
CONTENT WARNING: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse, domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised.
RESOURCES: There’s a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in this show. If you or someone you know needs help - you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration hotline at 1-800-662-4357. They’ll connect you with information and resources on treatment. There’s also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. Both are available 24/7. You don't have to be in crisis to reach out either. They're available for anyone who needs help.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for
all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse,
domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised.
Episode three, Young Love. Growing up, I was obsessed with
(00:23):
the Brady Bunch. I used to dream about waking up
in their beautiful wood panel home with the high ceilings,
and I imagine sliding down those iconic stairs. I pictured
fighting with my saiblings over kids stuff, where the worst
crimes were name calling and hair pulling. Most of all,
I imagine coming home to Carol Brady, the perfect mom,
always ready to greet her kids when they got home
(00:45):
with a snack and a smile. That daydream helped fill
the void of loneliness I felt as a kid, because
my life was often a nightmare. My dad wasn't ever
really in the picture, and my mom, while we've talked
about it, she's about as far from Carol Brady as
you can get. So it's weird to have my mom
tell me that, for a little bit she and my
(01:06):
dad were really in love. They sort of did make
it work. For a brief moment, they did have the
little Brady Bunch thing going on in their own way,
but my mom had a void of her own to fill,
and that Brady Bunch thing didn't feel it for long.
This episode, I want to know what happened, How did
(01:27):
my parents fall apart, and how did that lead her
to the life I most remember her, living life with addiction.
I want to hear her story, her version of events,
so I can understand how we stray so far from
the place we started. My story is not all bad,
but it's certainly not an episode of the Brady Bunch.
(01:49):
I'm emmy and this is crumbs. It's to show about
the things we settle for and the fits of ourselves
that make us who we are. So, Mom, you had
a pretty lonely childhood and then you met my dad, Meto.
(02:12):
He's a little bit older, he's a cholo, and you
were into that at the time.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Yeah, there was something about him.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
I was hooked. Then you get pregnant with me, and
what was your relationship like then?
Speaker 3 (02:26):
The type of relationship that your dad and I had,
Like while I was pregnant. You have to remember that
before that we would see each other now and then
you know, I'd sneak around. But once I was pregnant
and it was out in the open. We were together
all the time, and here he had his lowrider and
you know he was, you know, a gang member, but
yet he was a family man at the same time.
(02:51):
And we spent a lot of time at that wing
where you were conceived, going to Chicano Park on the
weekends with all the friends and at the same time
going to Gharria Sadas with the family. You know, that
was a really good time in our life.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
So things were good for a while, and you gave
birth to me and everyone was so excited. You and
my dad were lily with his mom Manana, and that's
where we left off. Did are the good times last?
Speaker 3 (03:24):
After I lived at Urananas for some time, I got
mad at Aranana for whatever reason that was, you know,
and I decided that I wanted to go back home,
which was to Mamilicha's house, and so I told your dad.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
One day were moving out.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
So after living at Mamilicha's house for a few months,
I realized.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I didn't want to live there anymore.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Mamilicha was too controlling, Arnana was too nosy, and I
thought it was time for us to be on our own.
After all, we were married, we had a baby, we
had a job, and so why can't we just live
on our own and build our family. We went to
this realty and Imperial Beach and we found this cute little.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
House and Mami Lecha I was okay with it.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Well yeah, because for one she had me close by,
and two she was so sure that our loveness wouldn't last.
We were two teenagers. I was still fifteen, and yet
here we were trying to be responsible adults. If there
was anything You're none and Mammy Leacha agreed on, it
was the fact that your dad and I wouldn't last.
They would tell people that we were playing house like little.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Kids, pretending. So we're in this house, you me and
my dad.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Imperial Beach was maybe ten minutes away from both Santa
Sedro and Del Soul, where Netto and I were from,
and it was right by the beach. The beach was
walking distance from Imperial Beach. It was where everybody went
ou on the weekends, on sunny weekends to serve, for
skate or just drive around walk your dog. A really
(05:08):
nice place. Neto worked. He was a welder and he
was going to welding school at night, and so anytime
that Neto left to school at night, I would invite
my good friend over her and I would sit there
and watch TV. We would smoke some weed while the
(05:30):
baby slept, and just catch up. She would tell me
stories about what was going on in Delso. Her boyfriend
had just gotten killed a drive by shooting from Sanny
Sidro came and shot him and he died in her arms.
And that's the type of life we were living.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Did you miss that life?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Of course I loved the drama.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
By this time, I was already getting tired of hanging
out with adults, so I was sort of living through her.
So I remember this particular night, We're sitting in the
living room. The baby's in the room asleep, and we're
in the living room getting high, and my friend gets
up to go to the bathroom, and when she comes
(06:16):
out of the bathroom, I remember she said, Wow, I'm
super high. I just saw somebody outside and then there's
a knock on the door. This guy at the door
asked Ferneto, and I said, he's not here.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Who are you?
Speaker 3 (06:30):
And he said Joe, And I said, well he's not here, okay,
So he leaves. Also I was talking on the phone
when they knocked on the door a second time, and
this time the guy says, it's Joe. And the moment
I opened the door, I saw this guy wearing a
(06:51):
hoodie like I could just see the frame of his
face and I screamed. And when I screamed, the guy
that was on the phone heard me scream. The guy
at the door walked in he hit me. When I yelled,
I passed out. When I came to, I was on
the floor and there was a guy holding a gun
(07:13):
to my head. My friend was on the couch and
there was another guy holding a gun to her head,
and I could see the phone on the floor.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There was a.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Third guy walking around, just throwing stuff around, and he
kept asking me where is it?
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Where is it?
Speaker 3 (07:30):
And I would tell him I don't know what you're
talking about. And so finally this guy started walking towards
the bedroom. My baby was asleep in the bedroom, and
somehow I was able to take the gun away from
the guy that was holding it to my head and
I went after the guy in the bedroom. I was
(07:51):
about to make it into the room when the guy
that I took the gun from pulled me from my
hair and threw me on the ground. But I was
already at the door of the bedroom, and I saw
the other guy holding my baby by his pajamas, and
he had a gun to the baby's head, and he said,
where is it? And I pointed up towards the attic.
(08:15):
He grabbed the baby and threw the baby in my
arms like a football, and they destroyed the attic. They
took what they wanted and left. I just remember when
they opened the attic, there was weed flying everywhere in
the closet, on the rug, it was everywhere. I remember
(08:38):
them taking boxes out of there and they left. Mammy
Leisha had a store these boxes of weed for her.
I knew what they were talking about, but I mean,
I'm not just going to give them what they want.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
You know.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
It wasn't until the baby was in danger that I
said this isn't worth it. I mean, nobody knew. Not
even my friend that was in the living room knew
about this.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
No one knew. So how did these guys find out?
Speaker 1 (09:04):
How did they find out?
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Well, it turns out that your dad had been bragging
about working for Mammy Leicha.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So Mamicha was involved. It wasn't just like you guys
playing house and living office salary.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
Well, yeah, Mami Lecha paid for the house. We were
working for her.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
She was still pulling all the strings. Yeah, how did
you recover from this incident?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
That night, I decided I'm not staying here anymore, and
we moved back to Mammilicha's house for a very short time,
because that's when Neto and I, that's when our marriage ended.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Way back up. It sounds like the home invasion was
a big deal for you, like a major turning point
for you.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
I didn't realize just how bad it was until they
grabbed you, and then I got scared and I was
really sorry these guys would come back.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
So I was like, I'm out at here.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Back to Mamilicha's.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I think I just realized I wasn't ready for all
of this, to be an adult, to be a parent
and everything that came with it. And I think my
Milicha always knew we'd fail and come back to her.
This all happened because Netta was the one who bragged
about it, which was some Yeah, and I just felt
Mamilicha knew how to handle this stuff, telling again. You
(10:30):
know that night was definitely traumatizing.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
And you downplay things a lot. I don't know if
I've ever heard you use the words traumatizing. So to
hear you say that means I must have been really scary.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I couldn't keep you safe. I couldn't keep my baby safe.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
On the one hand, I'm like, this is not shocking
to hear all of this. It's like the story of
my life. But I'm trying to listen to this as
an outsider, someone who's listening to the show. There was
the chance I might not be alive.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
I felt really scared. I just thought she would do
a better job of keeping you safe.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
When you moved back in with her. Did it seem
like Mamilicha blame my dad for what happened?
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah, she never liked Neto.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
She thought he wasn't good enough, she thought he was weak,
and then this happens.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Did she try to get you to break up the marriage?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Yes, Mamilita thought that by me getting divorced, she was
going to have full control of me again. And of
course have you back completely.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
And this incident to break in, How did it change
things with my dad for you?
Speaker 3 (11:40):
Well, your dad and I were already growing apart, just
because we were so young. We just wanted to hang
out with our friends and just do what teenagers do.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
He would go.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Party with his homeboys at his house in Santa Sedro,
and I would stay at Mamilicha's house and party with
my friends. The only can condition was that I could
not have boys come over. And then until one day
we had a guy stop by and Netto showed up,
and that's when he said, I'm out of here.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
That's it, I'm leaving you. And I said, cool, go.
I was done playing house.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
And it was over just like that. Did you guys
make any sort of arrangement of what was going to
happen with me? Like was he going to have me
visitation rights? Or what was the arrangement? How did I
come into this divorce?
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Nothing was mentioned as to what are we going to
do as far as the baby goes, our co parenting plans,
nothing like that was talked about. But because you were
already such a big part of your nana in Tata's life,
you'd go visit your nana for a day or two
and you'd come back to Mamilijaz. Your dad was there sometimes.
(13:01):
Maybe a month or two after we decided that we
were going to end or relationship, I filed for a divorce.
I never saw an attorney. I never went to a courthouse.
It was all done through the mall. I think I
paid six hundred dollars and he got some paperwork in
(13:21):
the mill. He signed it, returned it, and then I
got a notice saying that we were divorced.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
So, no, you guys didn't really think about me.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
I mean I think I thought Mammy Leitcha had it covered,
like she was going to do a better job anyway.
And after the guys came to the house, I think
I decided I wasn't ready for all of this. I
just wanted to be a kid and just have fun again.
I missed my friends, I missed hanging out.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
I mean, yeah, I get that now. I do think
it's an unrealistic expectation of a kid at that age.
You didn't have a life experience. And as for my dad,
I you know, again, I didn't have a relationship with him.
He was my father by name, and today, as an adult,
I can have compassion for him as a human, but
(14:14):
that love, that bond that someone has with their father,
the love for their father, it's not there.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
I wish it could have been different. He doesn't have
that paternal feeling inside him. I do remember there was
a certain specific Christmas when we lived on Fourth Avenue,
and I wrapped up some presents for you from your dad.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
I just remember.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Thinking, like, what the fuck you can't even show up
for Christmas or just a phone call at least. I
honestly don't remember if you were asking about your dad
or what the reason was, but I remember I wrapped
up a ball and some slippers, and then I told you,
look at your dad brought you while you were sleeping.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
No.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I really feel like I just discovered that toun of
class doesn't exist hearing that story, because in my memory
in my childhood, I remember I've always said my dad
has only bought me a present once in my life,
and that was for Christmas. He gave me these slippers.
And I remember the slippers. They were white with this
blue suede over them, and I just remember like thinking,
(15:26):
that's the only present my dad has ever bought me.
And just to find out that he didn't even do that. Yeah,
it just makes me feel a certain type of way
about him more than that what I was already feeling.
It feels good knowing you tried. So then did you
and my dad stop talking all together?
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (15:46):
No, I mean it was a small town and we
were still hanging out pretty often.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
It was kind of weird, but we were kids, and
he was still an important part of my life. I
guess I still cared about him.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Sounds like you just weren't ready to be married, but yeah,
he was so important to you.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, exactly, and I still wanted that connection that.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
We'd had, and what kind of stuff were you doing?
So one night your dad called me. I don't know
why he called me, but I remember that he called me,
and he said, why don't you just come over and
we'll watch a movie or something. And I said, you
know what, Yeah, I'm gonna go over there. So I
(16:29):
drove to his house and we're sitting there watching TV.
But the phone kept ringing and he would get up
and go. He'd run to the phone, and then he'd
go outside. And then I told him, you know what,
I changed my mind, why don't we go out, Let's
go somewhere, let's go eat or whatever. But he didn't
(16:51):
want to leave the house, and I just thought it
was really suspicious the way he was acting. So I thought,
for sures, there's another girl, and I said, Nick, time
the phone rings and he goes outside. I'm going to
follow him out there and catch him talking to this girl.
And so the phone rang, he went outside.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
I waited about.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
A minute and I went out and he was inside
a car with someone else, and I walked up to
the car. I was so sure I was going to
catch him talking to some girl. But what I found
was your dad and another guy cooking up some heroin
in a spoon. That's the first time I ever saw heroin.
(17:36):
My reaction was I want some of that. You better
give me some of that. And he said, you're crazy,
get out of here, go back inside, and I said,
if you don't give me some of that, I'm going
to go inside and tell your dad what you're doing.
He looks at the other guy, and the other guy
tells him, you know what, My wife did the same thing,
(17:58):
and I just gave it to her and she got
so sick that she never asked me.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
For it again.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
So he said, all right, I'm going to give you
a little bit, and then you're going to go inside,
and you're just gonna leave me alone. I don't know
what went through me when I saw Neto and this
other guy cooking up heroin in a spoon. I don't
know why it excited me instead of scaring me or
(18:25):
upsetting me. I don't understand. I wish I would have
been so upset that I would have just got in
my car and went home. I wish that maybe I
could have maybe talked him into going in the house
and leaving all that there for good. But my reaction
was give me some of that. I felt my heart
(18:49):
was racing. I was excited. I wasn't afraid. I don't
know why that was my reaction, but I wanted to
try that. I didn't for a second stop to think
of what was about to start, what was coming to
my life. I put my arm out and he shot
(19:13):
me up with the first dose of heroin I've ever had.
And I sat there and waited to feel something. And
I waited and waited, And even though they were sitting
there laughing, saying that I kept falling asleep and scratching
my nose and scratching my head and scratching my stomach,
I wasn't feeling anything. I said, I don't know what
(19:37):
you guys get out of this, because I don't feel
anything other than my head getting really hot and nchy.
But I was back the next day, the day after,
and the day after. I just continued to go back
every day.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Do you think maybe there was a part of you
that was trying to connect with him by doing Heroin
even though you were divorced.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Maybe.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
I mean I knew that I didn't want to be
married to him, but I didn't want to let go completely.
I mean, he was the first person I was with,
like my first love, and now there was this new
thing that was gonna bring a new bond between us,
if that makes any sense.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
You know, like you couldn't go golfing or go to
the release.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
I mean I was really young and very impulsive, and
I saw him do it and I wanted to be
a part of it.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
To me, that sounds like you were trying to fill
a void, which is something that I totally get. You
thought having a kid and getting married would help, and
then you get divorced, so now let's try Heroin maybe
to fill that void that you were feeling.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Yeah, it could be. I mean, I was just a
lonely kid so much of the time, so.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
You keep going over to my dad's.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
And then one morning I woke up feeling super sick
and I didn't go to see Neto from my daily
dolls of Heroin, and he called me and he said,
where are you? And I remember telling him I'm not
coming over today. I don't feel good. I think I'm
getting sick, and he laughed on the phone. I'm never
(21:22):
going to forget that. He sort of laughed and said,
just getting your car and come over here. I promise
you're going to feel better once you get here. So
I got in my car and I drove to his house.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
I was like a.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Seven minute drive.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
I remember I had to pull over to throw up
a couple of times because I was shivering, I was sweating,
I was throwing up. I was really sick. And somehow
I made it all the way to his house. And
as soon as I got out of the car and
walked into the house, he grabbed my arm and he
(22:00):
had a syringe in his hand and he put it
through my veins. And at that moment, I felt what
I had never felt. At that moment, I fell in
love with Heroin. I felt a warmth that I can't describe.
I felt no fear, I just felt fearless. I felt strong.
(22:26):
I felt everything was beautiful, everything was perfect. Nothing hurt,
nothing hurt physically, nothing felt, nothing hurt inside of me.
All the darkness and fears from my childhood were gone.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
It's really sad to hear that story, I think because
of how heroin affected my life.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
I never thought that I would be hurting my child
I never thought of all that. I just knew that
I had fallen in love and didn't think of the
consequences that were about to come. Maybe a year after
(23:18):
I was using heroin on a daily basis, things started
to get really hard because at first I had Neto
that would give me the heroine. I would just put
my arm out and he would just insert the syringe
in my arm, and you know, I had and the
supplies of heroin with him. Then once Neto went to jail,
(23:40):
things started getting hard for me. I had to buy
my heroin, and by now I'm sixteen years old, I
don't have a job, and so I started stealing or
befriending people that sold the drugs to get by. It
was really hard being a parent because for one. I
(24:04):
had my baby at a very young age, and I
had a very controlling mother that I mean, she helped
me so much and if it wasn't for her, who
knows what became of my kids.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
But it just made it easier for me.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
It was easy for me to get up and go
when I was sick, to go get.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
My heroin or whatever.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
It was hard when I was home at night and
my baby wanted to go sleep with me, and I
didn't want my baby to go sleep with me because
I had to cook up my heroin or whatever. And
I had to talk my baby into you sleep with
mamilicha tonight, and my baby would say, but I want
to sleep with you.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
That was hard. There is this understanding that I have
with addicts, with alcoholics, because being myself one, I understand
that we push everything aside for who we're addicted to. However,
(25:14):
it's very sad that we hurt the people that we
love the most to get our fix of whatever we
want or need. Makes sense to me, even though I
was the one who was hurt in the end. But
I understand it, and not that that makes it okay.
It doesn't.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Well, you were talking about how you feel now as
an adult any recovery. But as a child, it was
heartbreaking because as a child, even though you talk about
Mammy Leecha being the number one in your life, that
child adored me and all you wanted as a child
was to be with me. That was my baby, and
(25:56):
all my baby wanted was to be with me. And
how can I put this before? It was really really hard,
you know, until I nodded out and forgot all about it,
But I know that that child was also hurting.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
It's crazy how hearing these stories again, I can see
more parallels between my life and my mom's growing up.
She also faced a lot of chaos and violence. So
when she met my dad and then she got praying
with me, she thought things would change. We were her
own little Brady Bunch fantasy. I was her shining star
(26:38):
and we lived it for a little. But of course
that couldn't last for long. My mom and dad weren't
really independent. Mamilicha was still pulling the strings. She knew
my parents were too young to be adults, and she
was waiting, ready to pick up the pieces. I'm sure
my dad was to blame for the home invasion, but
I do have to acknowledge that it was Mamicha's business
(26:59):
that put my mom's life and mine in danger, and
that moment really impacted my mom. It made her think
she wasn't really ready to be an adult or a mom.
Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. We'll never know. So
we went back to Mamilichaz and my mom was right
in some ways. I'm sure her mom was much more
prepared to take care of me. But in the process,
(27:22):
my mom had to find new ways to fill that void.
When she and my dad broke up, she found a
new love, heroine, and that love was all consuming. It
came to shape her life and mine for years to come.
Next time on Crumbs, do you think this disappearance could
(27:45):
have had something to do with my Miichaz business?
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Oh my god, I don't want to do this right now.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Hey, listeners. There's a lot of difficult subjects that we
cover in this show. If you are someone you know
needs help, you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental
Health Services Administration Hotline at one eight hundred sixty six '
two four three five seven. They'll connect you with information
and resources on treatment. There's also the National Suicide Prevention
(28:22):
Lifeline at one eight hundred two seven three T A
l K. Both are available twenty four to seven. You
don't have to be in crisis to reach out either.
They're available for anyone who needs help. Crumbs is a
Sonata production in partnership with iheartsmichel Thura Network and Trojan Horse.
(28:46):
It's produced by Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher,
Rodrigo Crespo and Alex Umero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzel.
Original music by D Peter Schmidt and engineering Catos Magagna,
Emanuel Barra Studio Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio.
(29:07):
Executive produced by Cono Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart,
Alex Fumetro and Margaret Catcher for Chrodren Horse, Camilla Victoriano
and Joshua weinsteinfer Sonoro and me Emmi OLEA special things
to Marina Coronella Gire and of course my mom Ilde Gambois.
Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
(29:29):
wherever you get your podcasts.
This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for
all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse,
domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised.
Episode three, Young Love. Growing up, I was obsessed with
(00:23):
the Brady Bunch. I used to dream about waking up
in their beautiful wood panel home with the high ceilings,
and I imagine sliding down those iconic stairs. I pictured
fighting with my saiblings over kids stuff, where the worst
crimes were name calling and hair pulling. Most of all,
I imagine coming home to Carol Brady, the perfect mom,
always ready to greet her kids when they got home
(00:45):
with a snack and a smile. That daydream helped fill
the void of loneliness I felt as a kid, because
my life was often a nightmare. My dad wasn't ever
really in the picture, and my mom, while we've talked
about it, she's about as far from Carol Brady as
you can get. So it's weird to have my mom
tell me that, for a little bit she and my
(01:06):
dad were really in love. They sort of did make
it work. For a brief moment, they did have the
little Brady Bunch thing going on in their own way,
but my mom had a void of her own to fill,
and that Brady Bunch thing didn't feel it for long.
This episode, I want to know what happened, How did
(01:27):
my parents fall apart, and how did that lead her
to the life I most remember her, living life with addiction.
I want to hear her story, her version of events,
so I can understand how we stray so far from
the place we started. My story is not all bad,
but it's certainly not an episode of the Brady Bunch.
(01:49):
I'm emmy and this is crumbs. It's to show about
the things we settle for and the fits of ourselves
that make us who we are. So, Mom, you had
a pretty lonely childhood and then you met my dad, Meto.
(02:12):
He's a little bit older, he's a cholo, and you
were into that at the time.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Yeah, there was something about him.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
I was hooked. Then you get pregnant with me, and
what was your relationship like then?
Speaker 3 (02:26):
The type of relationship that your dad and I had,
Like while I was pregnant. You have to remember that
before that we would see each other now and then
you know, I'd sneak around. But once I was pregnant
and it was out in the open. We were together
all the time, and here he had his lowrider and
you know he was, you know, a gang member, but
yet he was a family man at the same time.
(02:51):
And we spent a lot of time at that wing
where you were conceived, going to Chicano Park on the
weekends with all the friends and at the same time
going to Gharria Sadas with the family. You know, that
was a really good time in our life.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
So things were good for a while, and you gave
birth to me and everyone was so excited. You and
my dad were lily with his mom Manana, and that's
where we left off. Did are the good times last?
Speaker 3 (03:24):
After I lived at Urananas for some time, I got
mad at Aranana for whatever reason that was, you know,
and I decided that I wanted to go back home,
which was to Mamilicha's house, and so I told your dad.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
One day were moving out.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
So after living at Mamilicha's house for a few months,
I realized.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I didn't want to live there anymore.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Mamilicha was too controlling, Arnana was too nosy, and I
thought it was time for us to be on our own.
After all, we were married, we had a baby, we
had a job, and so why can't we just live
on our own and build our family. We went to
this realty and Imperial Beach and we found this cute little.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
House and Mami Lecha I was okay with it.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Well yeah, because for one she had me close by,
and two she was so sure that our loveness wouldn't last.
We were two teenagers. I was still fifteen, and yet
here we were trying to be responsible adults. If there
was anything You're none and Mammy Leacha agreed on, it
was the fact that your dad and I wouldn't last.
They would tell people that we were playing house like little.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Kids, pretending. So we're in this house, you me and
my dad.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Imperial Beach was maybe ten minutes away from both Santa
Sedro and Del Soul, where Netto and I were from,
and it was right by the beach. The beach was
walking distance from Imperial Beach. It was where everybody went
ou on the weekends, on sunny weekends to serve, for
skate or just drive around walk your dog. A really
(05:08):
nice place. Neto worked. He was a welder and he
was going to welding school at night, and so anytime
that Neto left to school at night, I would invite
my good friend over her and I would sit there
and watch TV. We would smoke some weed while the
(05:30):
baby slept, and just catch up. She would tell me
stories about what was going on in Delso. Her boyfriend
had just gotten killed a drive by shooting from Sanny
Sidro came and shot him and he died in her arms.
And that's the type of life we were living.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Did you miss that life?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Of course I loved the drama.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
By this time, I was already getting tired of hanging
out with adults, so I was sort of living through her.
So I remember this particular night, We're sitting in the
living room. The baby's in the room asleep, and we're
in the living room getting high, and my friend gets
up to go to the bathroom, and when she comes
(06:16):
out of the bathroom, I remember she said, Wow, I'm
super high. I just saw somebody outside and then there's
a knock on the door. This guy at the door
asked Ferneto, and I said, he's not here.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Who are you?
Speaker 3 (06:30):
And he said Joe, And I said, well he's not here, okay,
So he leaves. Also I was talking on the phone
when they knocked on the door a second time, and
this time the guy says, it's Joe. And the moment
I opened the door, I saw this guy wearing a
(06:51):
hoodie like I could just see the frame of his
face and I screamed. And when I screamed, the guy
that was on the phone heard me scream. The guy
at the door walked in he hit me. When I yelled,
I passed out. When I came to, I was on
the floor and there was a guy holding a gun
(07:13):
to my head. My friend was on the couch and
there was another guy holding a gun to her head,
and I could see the phone on the floor.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There was a.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Third guy walking around, just throwing stuff around, and he
kept asking me where is it?
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Where is it?
Speaker 3 (07:30):
And I would tell him I don't know what you're
talking about. And so finally this guy started walking towards
the bedroom. My baby was asleep in the bedroom, and
somehow I was able to take the gun away from
the guy that was holding it to my head and
I went after the guy in the bedroom. I was
(07:51):
about to make it into the room when the guy
that I took the gun from pulled me from my
hair and threw me on the ground. But I was
already at the door of the bedroom, and I saw
the other guy holding my baby by his pajamas, and
he had a gun to the baby's head, and he said,
where is it? And I pointed up towards the attic.
(08:15):
He grabbed the baby and threw the baby in my
arms like a football, and they destroyed the attic. They
took what they wanted and left. I just remember when
they opened the attic, there was weed flying everywhere in
the closet, on the rug, it was everywhere. I remember
(08:38):
them taking boxes out of there and they left. Mammy
Leisha had a store these boxes of weed for her.
I knew what they were talking about, but I mean,
I'm not just going to give them what they want.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
You know.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
It wasn't until the baby was in danger that I
said this isn't worth it. I mean, nobody knew. Not
even my friend that was in the living room knew
about this.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
No one knew. So how did these guys find out?
Speaker 1 (09:04):
How did they find out?
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Well, it turns out that your dad had been bragging
about working for Mammy Leicha.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So Mamicha was involved. It wasn't just like you guys
playing house and living office salary.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
Well, yeah, Mami Lecha paid for the house. We were
working for her.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
She was still pulling all the strings. Yeah, how did
you recover from this incident?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
That night, I decided I'm not staying here anymore, and
we moved back to Mammilicha's house for a very short time,
because that's when Neto and I, that's when our marriage ended.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Way back up. It sounds like the home invasion was
a big deal for you, like a major turning point
for you.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
I didn't realize just how bad it was until they
grabbed you, and then I got scared and I was
really sorry these guys would come back.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
So I was like, I'm out at here.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Back to Mamilicha's.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I think I just realized I wasn't ready for all
of this, to be an adult, to be a parent
and everything that came with it. And I think my
Milicha always knew we'd fail and come back to her.
This all happened because Netta was the one who bragged
about it, which was some Yeah, and I just felt
Mamilicha knew how to handle this stuff, telling again. You
(10:30):
know that night was definitely traumatizing.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
And you downplay things a lot. I don't know if
I've ever heard you use the words traumatizing. So to
hear you say that means I must have been really scary.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
I couldn't keep you safe. I couldn't keep my baby safe.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
On the one hand, I'm like, this is not shocking
to hear all of this. It's like the story of
my life. But I'm trying to listen to this as
an outsider, someone who's listening to the show. There was
the chance I might not be alive.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
I felt really scared. I just thought she would do
a better job of keeping you safe.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
When you moved back in with her. Did it seem
like Mamilicha blame my dad for what happened?
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah, she never liked Neto.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
She thought he wasn't good enough, she thought he was weak,
and then this happens.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Did she try to get you to break up the marriage?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Yes, Mamilita thought that by me getting divorced, she was
going to have full control of me again. And of
course have you back completely.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
And this incident to break in, How did it change
things with my dad for you?
Speaker 3 (11:40):
Well, your dad and I were already growing apart, just
because we were so young. We just wanted to hang
out with our friends and just do what teenagers do.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
He would go.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Party with his homeboys at his house in Santa Sedro,
and I would stay at Mamilicha's house and party with
my friends. The only can condition was that I could
not have boys come over. And then until one day
we had a guy stop by and Netto showed up,
and that's when he said, I'm out of here.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
That's it, I'm leaving you. And I said, cool, go.
I was done playing house.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
And it was over just like that. Did you guys
make any sort of arrangement of what was going to
happen with me? Like was he going to have me
visitation rights? Or what was the arrangement? How did I
come into this divorce?
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Nothing was mentioned as to what are we going to
do as far as the baby goes, our co parenting plans,
nothing like that was talked about. But because you were
already such a big part of your nana in Tata's life,
you'd go visit your nana for a day or two
and you'd come back to Mamilijaz. Your dad was there sometimes.
(13:01):
Maybe a month or two after we decided that we
were going to end or relationship, I filed for a divorce.
I never saw an attorney. I never went to a courthouse.
It was all done through the mall. I think I
paid six hundred dollars and he got some paperwork in
(13:21):
the mill. He signed it, returned it, and then I
got a notice saying that we were divorced.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
So, no, you guys didn't really think about me.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
I mean I think I thought Mammy Leitcha had it covered,
like she was going to do a better job anyway.
And after the guys came to the house, I think
I decided I wasn't ready for all of this. I
just wanted to be a kid and just have fun again.
I missed my friends, I missed hanging out.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
I mean, yeah, I get that now. I do think
it's an unrealistic expectation of a kid at that age.
You didn't have a life experience. And as for my dad,
I you know, again, I didn't have a relationship with him.
He was my father by name, and today, as an adult,
I can have compassion for him as a human, but
(14:14):
that love, that bond that someone has with their father,
the love for their father, it's not there.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
I wish it could have been different. He doesn't have
that paternal feeling inside him. I do remember there was
a certain specific Christmas when we lived on Fourth Avenue,
and I wrapped up some presents for you from your dad.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
I just remember.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Thinking, like, what the fuck you can't even show up
for Christmas or just a phone call at least. I
honestly don't remember if you were asking about your dad
or what the reason was, but I remember I wrapped
up a ball and some slippers, and then I told you,
look at your dad brought you while you were sleeping.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
No.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I really feel like I just discovered that toun of
class doesn't exist hearing that story, because in my memory
in my childhood, I remember I've always said my dad
has only bought me a present once in my life,
and that was for Christmas. He gave me these slippers.
And I remember the slippers. They were white with this
blue suede over them, and I just remember like thinking,
(15:26):
that's the only present my dad has ever bought me.
And just to find out that he didn't even do that. Yeah,
it just makes me feel a certain type of way
about him more than that what I was already feeling.
It feels good knowing you tried. So then did you
and my dad stop talking all together?
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (15:46):
No, I mean it was a small town and we
were still hanging out pretty often.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
It was kind of weird, but we were kids, and
he was still an important part of my life. I
guess I still cared about him.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Sounds like you just weren't ready to be married, but yeah,
he was so important to you.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, exactly, and I still wanted that connection that.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
We'd had, and what kind of stuff were you doing?
So one night your dad called me. I don't know
why he called me, but I remember that he called me,
and he said, why don't you just come over and
we'll watch a movie or something. And I said, you
know what, Yeah, I'm gonna go over there. So I
(16:29):
drove to his house and we're sitting there watching TV.
But the phone kept ringing and he would get up
and go. He'd run to the phone, and then he'd
go outside. And then I told him, you know what,
I changed my mind, why don't we go out, Let's
go somewhere, let's go eat or whatever. But he didn't
(16:51):
want to leave the house, and I just thought it
was really suspicious the way he was acting. So I thought,
for sures, there's another girl, and I said, Nick, time
the phone rings and he goes outside. I'm going to
follow him out there and catch him talking to this girl.
And so the phone rang, he went outside.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
I waited about.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
A minute and I went out and he was inside
a car with someone else, and I walked up to
the car. I was so sure I was going to
catch him talking to some girl. But what I found
was your dad and another guy cooking up some heroin
in a spoon. That's the first time I ever saw heroin.
(17:36):
My reaction was I want some of that. You better
give me some of that. And he said, you're crazy,
get out of here, go back inside, and I said,
if you don't give me some of that, I'm going
to go inside and tell your dad what you're doing.
He looks at the other guy, and the other guy
tells him, you know what, My wife did the same thing,
(17:58):
and I just gave it to her and she got
so sick that she never asked me.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
For it again.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
So he said, all right, I'm going to give you
a little bit, and then you're going to go inside,
and you're just gonna leave me alone. I don't know
what went through me when I saw Neto and this
other guy cooking up heroin in a spoon. I don't
know why it excited me instead of scaring me or
(18:25):
upsetting me. I don't understand. I wish I would have
been so upset that I would have just got in
my car and went home. I wish that maybe I
could have maybe talked him into going in the house
and leaving all that there for good. But my reaction
was give me some of that. I felt my heart
(18:49):
was racing. I was excited. I wasn't afraid. I don't
know why that was my reaction, but I wanted to
try that. I didn't for a second stop to think
of what was about to start, what was coming to
my life. I put my arm out and he shot
(19:13):
me up with the first dose of heroin I've ever had.
And I sat there and waited to feel something. And
I waited and waited, And even though they were sitting
there laughing, saying that I kept falling asleep and scratching
my nose and scratching my head and scratching my stomach,
I wasn't feeling anything. I said, I don't know what
(19:37):
you guys get out of this, because I don't feel
anything other than my head getting really hot and nchy.
But I was back the next day, the day after,
and the day after. I just continued to go back
every day.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Do you think maybe there was a part of you
that was trying to connect with him by doing Heroin
even though you were divorced.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Maybe.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
I mean I knew that I didn't want to be
married to him, but I didn't want to let go completely.
I mean, he was the first person I was with,
like my first love, and now there was this new
thing that was gonna bring a new bond between us,
if that makes any sense.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
You know, like you couldn't go golfing or go to
the release.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
I mean I was really young and very impulsive, and
I saw him do it and I wanted to be
a part of it.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
To me, that sounds like you were trying to fill
a void, which is something that I totally get. You
thought having a kid and getting married would help, and
then you get divorced, so now let's try Heroin maybe
to fill that void that you were feeling.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Yeah, it could be. I mean, I was just a
lonely kid so much of the time, so.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
You keep going over to my dad's.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
And then one morning I woke up feeling super sick
and I didn't go to see Neto from my daily
dolls of Heroin, and he called me and he said,
where are you? And I remember telling him I'm not
coming over today. I don't feel good. I think I'm
getting sick, and he laughed on the phone. I'm never
(21:22):
going to forget that. He sort of laughed and said,
just getting your car and come over here. I promise
you're going to feel better once you get here. So
I got in my car and I drove to his house.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
I was like a.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Seven minute drive.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
I remember I had to pull over to throw up
a couple of times because I was shivering, I was sweating,
I was throwing up. I was really sick. And somehow
I made it all the way to his house. And
as soon as I got out of the car and
walked into the house, he grabbed my arm and he
(22:00):
had a syringe in his hand and he put it
through my veins. And at that moment, I felt what
I had never felt. At that moment, I fell in
love with Heroin. I felt a warmth that I can't describe.
I felt no fear, I just felt fearless. I felt strong.
(22:26):
I felt everything was beautiful, everything was perfect. Nothing hurt,
nothing hurt physically, nothing felt, nothing hurt inside of me.
All the darkness and fears from my childhood were gone.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
It's really sad to hear that story, I think because
of how heroin affected my life.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
I never thought that I would be hurting my child
I never thought of all that. I just knew that
I had fallen in love and didn't think of the
consequences that were about to come. Maybe a year after
(23:18):
I was using heroin on a daily basis, things started
to get really hard because at first I had Neto
that would give me the heroine. I would just put
my arm out and he would just insert the syringe
in my arm, and you know, I had and the
supplies of heroin with him. Then once Neto went to jail,
(23:40):
things started getting hard for me. I had to buy
my heroin, and by now I'm sixteen years old, I
don't have a job, and so I started stealing or
befriending people that sold the drugs to get by. It
was really hard being a parent because for one. I
(24:04):
had my baby at a very young age, and I
had a very controlling mother that I mean, she helped
me so much and if it wasn't for her, who
knows what became of my kids.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
But it just made it easier for me.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
It was easy for me to get up and go
when I was sick, to go get.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
My heroin or whatever.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
It was hard when I was home at night and
my baby wanted to go sleep with me, and I
didn't want my baby to go sleep with me because
I had to cook up my heroin or whatever. And
I had to talk my baby into you sleep with
mamilicha tonight, and my baby would say, but I want
to sleep with you.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
That was hard. There is this understanding that I have
with addicts, with alcoholics, because being myself one, I understand
that we push everything aside for who we're addicted to. However,
(25:14):
it's very sad that we hurt the people that we
love the most to get our fix of whatever we
want or need. Makes sense to me, even though I
was the one who was hurt in the end. But
I understand it, and not that that makes it okay.
It doesn't.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Well, you were talking about how you feel now as
an adult any recovery. But as a child, it was
heartbreaking because as a child, even though you talk about
Mammy Leecha being the number one in your life, that
child adored me and all you wanted as a child
was to be with me. That was my baby, and
(25:56):
all my baby wanted was to be with me. And
how can I put this before? It was really really hard,
you know, until I nodded out and forgot all about it,
But I know that that child was also hurting.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
It's crazy how hearing these stories again, I can see
more parallels between my life and my mom's growing up.
She also faced a lot of chaos and violence. So
when she met my dad and then she got praying
with me, she thought things would change. We were her
own little Brady Bunch fantasy. I was her shining star
(26:38):
and we lived it for a little. But of course
that couldn't last for long. My mom and dad weren't
really independent. Mamilicha was still pulling the strings. She knew
my parents were too young to be adults, and she
was waiting, ready to pick up the pieces. I'm sure
my dad was to blame for the home invasion, but
I do have to acknowledge that it was Mamicha's business
(26:59):
that put my mom's life and mine in danger, and
that moment really impacted my mom. It made her think
she wasn't really ready to be an adult or a mom.
Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. We'll never know. So
we went back to Mamilichaz and my mom was right
in some ways. I'm sure her mom was much more
prepared to take care of me. But in the process,
(27:22):
my mom had to find new ways to fill that void.
When she and my dad broke up, she found a
new love, heroine, and that love was all consuming. It
came to shape her life and mine for years to come.
Next time on Crumbs, do you think this disappearance could
(27:45):
have had something to do with my Miichaz business?
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Oh my god, I don't want to do this right now.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Hey, listeners. There's a lot of difficult subjects that we
cover in this show. If you are someone you know
needs help, you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental
Health Services Administration Hotline at one eight hundred sixty six '
two four three five seven. They'll connect you with information
and resources on treatment. There's also the National Suicide Prevention
(28:22):
Lifeline at one eight hundred two seven three T A
l K. Both are available twenty four to seven. You
don't have to be in crisis to reach out either.
They're available for anyone who needs help. Crumbs is a
Sonata production in partnership with iheartsmichel Thura Network and Trojan Horse.
(28:46):
It's produced by Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher,
Rodrigo Crespo and Alex Umero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzel.
Original music by D Peter Schmidt and engineering Catos Magagna,
Emanuel Barra Studio Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio.
(29:07):
Executive produced by Cono Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart,
Alex Fumetro and Margaret Catcher for Chrodren Horse, Camilla Victoriano
and Joshua weinsteinfer Sonoro and me Emmi OLEA special things
to Marina Coronella Gire and of course my mom Ilde Gambois.
Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
(29:29):
wherever you get your podcasts.
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The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.