August 14, 2023 • 32 mins
Simon recounts his earlier calling to the priesthood. Alana sneaks out to church, and meets a controversial priest who advises her on becoming a nun.
This episode contains references to suicide. If you or someone you know is in need of help, please contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. Listener discretion is advised.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Deeralana has released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
What's time, Judy, do?
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Look around? Shine?
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I grew up around girls. I have a sister, Margaret,
and my closest friends were my female cousins, Sharon and Vivian.
We chase each other around the house, shrieking, playing Nintendo incessantly,
and as you heard re enact The Little Mermaid. I
was obsessed with this movie. I'm like six or seven.
It's the first film I've ever seen in theaters, and
(01:25):
I'm riveted by this redheaded mermaid. And I also know
that that's not something I should be proud of, not
because anyone sits me down to tell me that. But
I just pick up that like most other boys my
age are not singing to the Little Mermaid. They're outside
playing baseball, soccer, hockey. I grew up in Toronto in
(01:46):
the eighties and nineties, and as a Chinese immigrant family,
we didn't have access to, say hockey, it's a really
expensive sport, so at recess, I have no idea how
to play what the boys are playing, and I play
with the girls. After a while, that just created more
bullying from the boys. They kick balls at me and
would laugh when I ducked out of the way. One
(02:11):
of my earliest memories is me on the schoolyard during recess.
It's winter. My recess activity in frigid Canada is cracking
the ice puddles, waiting desperately for the bell to ring.
I'm feeling so so lonely. Everyone else is off playing together,
skipping rope or playing ball hockey, and it seems like
(02:32):
the only friend I can talk to as I'm poking
the ice with my boot is God. God is the
only one who understands me, the only one who cares,
who sticks around. And this is such a deep memory
because it's cemented in me who God was and helped
me survive from tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon kent Fung. This
(02:58):
is Dear Alana Part two. Father, Oh my god, I
can't understand. I'm with Joyce, Alana's mother, who has so
many unanswered questions about Alana's suicide.
Speaker 5 (03:19):
It was a thirteen that she started suffering. Did you
help that.
Speaker 6 (03:25):
I was severely depressed and had suicidal ideation probably at
the age of nine.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
You know.
Speaker 7 (03:35):
You thought that because of thinking you were.
Speaker 6 (03:38):
No, it was because I was. I was bullied a lot. Oh,
and I never felt like I belonged, and yeah, I
think I just remember even we moved to a new
neighborhood and a new school, and I started a new school,
and you know this was like in third grade, the
first day they make you do an all about me thing.
I remember, even at that age I must have been
(03:59):
what eight years old? My all about me was like,
what are people that I think about me? What is
the most acceptable hobby? Because anything that would have liked
I would have been I had fun of, you know.
So I remember writing like baseball and like me really
it wasn't Yeah, and I like I really like watching
didn't like things like this and likes are so mean?
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Yeah, So do you think Is that how you found God?
Speaker 6 (04:27):
Yeah, I remember being really depressed. My parents didn't know this,
but I would. I would sleep a lot. That's how
I experienced it initially. And then I remember finding quotes
from Bible and really just there was one passage from
Saint Paul when he talks about.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
When I'm weak, then I am.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Strong, and when I'm small and I'm big, And I
remember just feeling like God is the only like in
my life. Yeah that understands and will care.
Speaker 5 (04:56):
And so Richie found on your olympause.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Alana got really into church on her own too, but
I'm still not sure why she was drawn to it
at such an early age. I don't get the sense
that she was bullied like me as a kid. In fact,
Joyce tells me that Alana had many friends, and it
doesn't take long until she introduces me to Joy. Not Joyce,
but Joy, one of Alana's oldest friends.
Speaker 8 (05:23):
So Alana and I met on the first day of kindergarten.
We went to Fireside Elementary. So yeah, I've known her
my whole life.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
It feels like it's windy on this bright fall day,
and Joy is dressed in layers with her blonde hair
in a bun. We meet at Davidson Mesa, one of
their favorite places to hike. I can see the appeal.
It's a huge open area with wide views of the
rocky mountains, a paved looped trail. It's a great place
to clear your head or have a conversation with a friend.
Speaker 8 (05:54):
We would go at night a lot, or at sunset.
She shared a lot of different We shared a lot
of different things with each other on those walks. So
Alana had this big tattoo on her ribcage of Jesus
on the cross, and like when we were walking here
was the first time she showed it to me, and
she like hadn't told her parents.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
I asked her what her earliest memories of Alana were.
Speaker 8 (06:20):
She was so much fun, so playful and curious and kind.
We loved to like have sleepovers and we made all
these videos of ourselves giggling and like jumping on the trampoline.
She had, you know, sisters, so I only had brothers.
They had all these clothes in their house, all these
girls clothes. We would dress up, and Carissa will dress
(06:43):
us up and do our makeup. She made me look
like Shirley Temple one.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Time, Alana Enjoy have a scrap book that they created,
and they had this tradition of passing the book back
and forth on big occasions like birthdays, and taking turns
writing a new entry, adding a new picture or memory
to the ages. Joy brought the book with her and
she opens up the front cover.
Speaker 8 (07:05):
She says, well, I don't actually remember the day we met,
so bye, just kidding, but seriously, I don't remember, but
it happened probably the first day of kindergarten. It must
have been fate that we met that day. Since we're
still friends today, I guess this doesn't count as a memory,
but it was still a very important date and I'm
glad it happened.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
She turns the page, passed a photo of a maybe
six year old Halna looking wistfully next to Joy, who's
mugging to the camera.
Speaker 8 (07:30):
This is a classic story. She tried to comfort me
and then I gave her the flu.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And she's drawing these little school drawing friender hat each one.
Speaker 8 (07:40):
Yes, so there's a stistic figure on this. One says cough,
and then hers says, don't worry, you'll get better. There
was a day I told her my crush.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
The scrap book is thick, and we see Alana and
Joy through the years becoming teenagers.
Speaker 8 (07:55):
When someone would have a breakup, she would, you know,
be all in on. We played game called we called
it that He's a loser game and everyone would just
say things about this X and then we'd say he's
a loser. It's really mature, nonproductive, but you know she
wasn't above any of it.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
We turned the page to a picture of Alana in
a sports uniform.
Speaker 8 (08:18):
So a big part of high school, I think is frisbee.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
She's referring to ultimate frisbee, a high intensity sport where
players have to get a frisbee to an end zone
while trying not to get intercepted along the way. The
high school ultimate frisbee team becomes one of Alana's core
group of friends. This is Nie, the frisbee team captain.
Speaker 9 (08:39):
For me, ultimate has always been a space where like
people can do whatever they want, they can really be themselves.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
It was Knee's passion for ultimate frisbee that recruited Alana
and many others from their high school, and one song
in particular really sums up their team.
Speaker 9 (09:00):
Pedal is a popular radio song from like the mid
two thousands. I would say, for some reason, someone on
our team wanted to turn that song into ass paddle.
You know, we would form a circle as we would
like a huddle, and someone outside of the circle would
(09:20):
have a frisbee in their hand, and we would we
would bend forward with our you know, our behind sticking out,
and someone would go around and just like hit all
of our butts. Everyone in the middle would be like
screaming ass paddle, like really loud. That was one of
the ones that made Alana feel super uncomfortable, So like
she ended up with a nickname that year was Alana
(09:44):
I Don't Participate ten, which was really funny. Like there's
like pictures and like other footage of her just like
standing as still as possible during one of the cheers
that made her uncomfortable, and like that was like one
of the defining moments of a lon I'm.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Kind of jealous of Alana's friend group. I always wished
I had a group of friends to joke around and
do sleepovers with. Instead. My loneliness continued throughout high school,
where I put all my energy into getting good grades.
Alana seems to have it all. A best friend sports
community around this time. If you remember, Alana was fresh
(10:23):
from her Catholic summer camp experience, the one that really
made an impression on her. I asked me if she
remembers if Alana's newfound religious devotion stood out.
Speaker 9 (10:33):
I first started to pick up on how religious Alana
was when we went to travel tournaments. That was senior
year of high school, so that was the first time
our team was able to start traveling to tournaments to compete.
And I had noticed this because she would, you know,
(10:53):
wake up super early on like Sundays of a tournament
and find a way to get to a church in
the morning. And she might have been doing that with
one other teammate, but for the most part, it just
felt like she was doing that on her own because
she chose to do it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Most kids and adults have to be forced to go
to church, but Alana is choosing to go on her
own by herself. I wonder what she's finding there that
she isn't getting from her friends or her family.
Speaker 8 (11:22):
So Alana was like sneaking out to go to church.
I think at one point she asked my mom to driver,
and my mom was like, wait, why, you know, like
she kind of caught on too, of like, I don't
want to be sneaky here, but at the same time,
it was like, but she's going to church, so it's
probably not a big deal.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
It would happen like this every day after school. Alana
would tell her parents she was going to Joys to study,
and then either have Joy's mom drive her or take
the thirty minute bus ride to Saint Thomas Aquinas Church.
Saint Thom's the Catholic parish that sits in the middle
of the University of Colorado Boulder campus. Not a small trek.
It's funny to imagine a young girl sneaking out to
(12:04):
go to church, but I can totally relate. I also
went to daily Mass on the down low, and for me,
it started after I met someone at church. Gosh, I
haven't thought about him in a long time. His name
was Father William, and he introduced me to a more
serious practice of Catholicism. In my late teens, I met
(12:25):
Father William when he came to say Mass at my
college Catholic Center. He was short and trim, head, silver hair,
a twinkle in his eye, and perfect teeth. He walked
around campus in his tailored black cassock and white collar,
like someone out of a nineteen forties Hollywood set. But
the most striking thing about him was the way he
said mass. He was betrayed and entered willingly into his passion.
(12:49):
Father William would say each word deliberately, Take this, all
of you, bow and raise his arms with careful precision,
for this is my body which will be given up,
and pause with dramatic flair as he held up the bread.
Speaker 6 (13:02):
He took bread, and, giving thanks, broke it and gave
it to his disciples, saying take this.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
I was riveted. Compared to the priests I saw every
Sunday growing up, Father William was not going through the motions.
He meant every word of every prayer. One day, Father
William came up to me and asked me if I'd
ever considered the priesthood, that is, if I'd ever thought
of becoming a priest. The thought had crossed my mind,
(13:31):
as it does for many pious Catholic boys. But something
about the way he asked me, the way he looked
me in the eye, made me feel special chosen. I
shyly said yeah, and he told me that if I
was interested, we could meet to talk about that. I said,
I'd think about it, and for the next few weeks
(13:51):
I returned to Mass, excited to see Father William and
hoping that he'd come and talk to me again. He did,
and that year he became my spiritual father and spiritual director,
meeting regularly with me to talk about what it would
take to become a priest. For Alana, all this sneaking
(14:13):
out to church was beginning to get to her. Joyce
tells me about one morning when Alana came into her
room and woke her up. She was in tears and
wanted to talk.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
So and it was she came in a room I
was half asleep, so it was early morning, and I
remember I was like, well, and first my first thought
was she was gonna tell me something bad, like what
I did when I was teenagers drinking at fourteen.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
But Alana had something else to confess.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
She came in my room crying that she'd been lying
to me. That she'd been taking the bus, saying she
was a joys but every night about five o'clock, so
it was a five point thirty Mass, but she was
taking the bus to Saint Thom's which is on the hill,
which is like college students partying. Some bad stuff happens there.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
She's glad that at least Ilana hadn't been sneaking out
to party.
Speaker 5 (15:03):
Part of me was relieved, but then I said, wait,
that's not good for you to go. It's dangerous, and
you know, she was like, no, I'm sorry. I just
I really want to go to Mass every day. And
I was like why, like every day. I don't understand this,
like and she was like, no, I just love it
and I want to go to Mass every day. And
then she said, I really want you to know. I
really want you to watch this show that they showed
(15:25):
us Oprah Went into a Convent.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Oprah Went into a Convent. I don't remember seeing this
episode when it aired, but the video is pure Oprah
production value.
Speaker 6 (15:36):
Today, twenty two young women will begin their journey toward
becoming a nun.
Speaker 5 (15:40):
I graduated from high school back in June.
Speaker 8 (15:43):
I guess I knew ever since I was really little, like,
I never had any doubts that God was calling me.
I've definitely thought about it.
Speaker 9 (15:49):
Yeah, and it's it's crossed my mind a lot, being
with Jesus the whole time.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
Yeah, maybe twenty four to seven, I mean went better husband.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Coprah cuts the shots of young nuns in their white habits,
playing ball, hockey, riding bikes on the gorgeous green Convent acreage,
and she interviews this beaming woman who's left behind a
great career to become a nun. Where were you in
your life when you realized you wanted to be married
to Jesus Christ.
Speaker 10 (16:18):
I was sitting on my couch in my house and
an apartment on the lake, and I was in front
of my TV, and I had just finished decorating. And
I looked at the stereo and I looked at the
like my whole entertainment center. And I thought, and I
said it out loud. I I usually don't talk to
myself out loud. I said, I could give it up
all tomorrow and it wouldn't mean a hill of beans.
Speaker 7 (16:40):
Really.
Speaker 10 (16:40):
I came to a point where I said, Okay, this
is it, and if I know this is it, then
I have to do it.
Speaker 5 (16:46):
And so she showed me the video. I'm half asleep.
They were playing frisbee in their habits, and like she said, Mom,
some of them were nurses and doctors and then now
they're nuns and they're Look how happy they are and
I just remember going no, no, no, Like inside, I was
like m m no. And she was so young, so
I was pretty shocked, you know. And then I just
(17:08):
said I think I said, you can't take the bus anymore.
If you want, I'll go. I don't think you need
to go every day, you know. And she was upset
with me. She was upset with me right away about
my lack of enthusiasm and my judgment about the convent.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
As funny as nuns playing frisbee might sound, it's actually
a powerful juxtaposition. Growing up, I tended to think of
priests and nuns as these alien creatures who took on
restrictive spiritual practices in order to be close to God.
But discovering that they were real people who had regular
jobs and played sports in their free time, made their
(17:48):
callings suddenly a lot more accessible, Like maybe I could
do that too. Alana's desire to be a nun would
be the source of many fights with her mom. Over church.
Speaker 5 (18:00):
I ran into Joy's mom and she said, oh my god,
you must be so happy Eleanna wants to be a nun.
And I was like what. I was like, what are
you talking about? And I'm not happy? What you're telling me,
And I'm like, Debbie, she's thirteen, she's fourteen, what are
you kidding me?
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Like, her friend Joy remembers when this happened, how Alana
was really mad at her mom for not letting her
go to church by herself.
Speaker 8 (18:22):
You know, it's kind of this adolescent like parents don't
get it, and it was just so confusing for all
of us because the limits that they were setting were
around church and for us it was like curfew, you know,
like spending time with boys. And I just think we
didn't get that, you know.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Even still, Joe reflects on how much she looked up
to Alana.
Speaker 8 (18:43):
For better or for worse. Alana was always my moral compass.
You know, if I made a joke at someone's expense,
I would just think like, Elana wouldn't do that. She
was so kind of rooted in her values and thoughtful. Like,
looking back, it's actually kind of you know, I work
with kids and teenagers now, and knowing what I know
(19:05):
about child adolescent development, it's like remarkable.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
It sounds like Alana was a kind of role model
for a lot of her friends. I ask Joy if
Alana would ever talk about her own struggles.
Speaker 8 (19:17):
We would talk about difficult things in her life. And
I don't know if that's because she asked or because
I would ask. You know, obviously I'm a therapist now
and I had I think some of those bends back then.
And maybe Alana and I did a little bit of
that together of like we're going to be stayle and
(19:38):
supportive for other people and not as much for ourselves.
So maybe we influenced each other in that way. But
we did certainly talk about stuff going on with her family, So.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
What was going on with her family? The fact is,
even before Alana was born, things between Mike and Joyce
weren't going well. I'm with Joyce and she's cleaning up
after making me that sandwich.
Speaker 5 (20:03):
When Sammy was little, I wound up in the safe
house within ten month old for a month, and then
I got all kinds of services and then a legal separation.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
After a period of separation, Joyce moved back in with Mike.
Speaker 5 (20:16):
Then I moved. I wound up going in the house
with him.
Speaker 6 (20:21):
Oh right, yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:23):
Right after that I had we had another incident.
Speaker 6 (20:27):
She just was like this for thirty let's kickers two years.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
As their family grew, things stabilized relatively speaking. I reached
out to Mike, but he didn't answer my calls. I'm
sure I don't have the complete picture of their troubles,
but needless to say, their marriage was rocky. It strikes
me how open Joyce is.
Speaker 5 (20:49):
They had like five marriage counselors.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
I mean, we've known each other for now almost two
years and just recently in person, but she doesn't hold
anything back. She speaks with this kind of earnest energy,
like she wants me to know everything about her life
so that I can better understand Ala. Joyce reflects on
how her marriage might have impacted Alana.
Speaker 5 (21:11):
She wrote, it's in her journal, and she was always
scared I was leaving. I know. I mean I think
that's why sometimes I'm so guilty, because there's so many
things that.
Speaker 6 (21:24):
Her spirit soul was. It was scared.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I talked to Alana's younger sister, Sophia. She remembers this
time well, when they were young girls and Alana wanted
to be a nun.
Speaker 11 (21:45):
We definitely were very shocked. I just remember I was like,
it's my sister. I love her and I'm going to
support her, but it was still oddic. I remember they
were in my mother's room once in their arguing, that
conversation was getting pretty heated and my sister was getting upset,
(22:05):
so I stepped in. And I often felt like a
big sister to her sometimes because not because I was
more mature, because I wasn't, but I was a lot
more vocal, and I remember telling my mom. I was like,
if this is what she wants to do, this is
what she wants to do.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
And Sofia begins to notice changes in Alana's appearance.
Speaker 11 (22:27):
As she got more involved in the church. She started
dealing down her wardrobe, really conservative skirts, no makeup, really
long sleeves, everything was covered.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
She even stopped wearing bathing suits and would go into
the water with a T shirt on. This new image
was in stark contrast to her earlier style of neon
pink tops, red shoes, and Barett's in her hair. I've
shared how I got interested in becoming a priest, but
I wonder how Alana first got the idea to become
a nun, as it lily didn't come from her upbringing.
(23:02):
Was it just the Oprah video? Did the desire come
from God himself? A mysterious calling, as we learned in
Sunday School. I figured she must have confided in somebody
at church at that time, so I reached out to Judy,
her middle school youth group leader at Saint Thom's.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
Alana always had that It's hard to explain just that
light of Christ in my mind. She just lit up,
just this radiant being and that I just I remember
from that point on, I just thought she is so lucky.
You know, she knows God at such a young age.
(23:40):
I mean, I don't know very many girls that want
to be a nun.
Speaker 5 (23:44):
That was unusual.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
It was unusual, but as her youth group leader, Judy
was secretly rooting for.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
It, and she said her mother didn't want her to
be in I'm kind of in the middle here going
I love it. I kind of want you to be
a nun, but I've got to respect Joyce. I remember
I wanted to be a nun, so maybe that was
part of my heart. You know. Saint Therez was like
what fourteen when she entered the convent, and you know,
(24:13):
I just thought, if that's where your heart is, follow it,
don't let anyone tell you no, you can't do that,
because God's the most important. The other side of me said,
you know, God's not going to let go if she
really has it. So I said, you don't just keep
praying and walking that way, and your mom will understand
(24:36):
eventually if this is what you really want to do.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Back at the apartment, Joyce shows me the earliest journal
she can find.
Speaker 5 (24:49):
She left all were in that bin.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
It opens with a sort of list of instructions that
Alana wrote to herself.
Speaker 5 (24:57):
You tape, never glue stick this notebook. Do not waste space.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Keep in mind dates altas dense and neat. Writing packs
every line of the spiral ring notebook true to form.
She doesn't waste any inch of space.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
The notebook marks a new beginning. Today is May first,
twenty thirteen. This is the month devoted to the blessed
Virgin Mary. This notebook and all its contents, thoughts, less pictures, prayers,
are devoted to Mama Mary to be handed over completely
to Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
We turn the page to find a sort of spiritual recap.
Speaker 5 (25:33):
I saw a girl who loved Jesus as if he
were her husband. I wanted that love. I decided I
would follow Jesus from that moment. Until then, I did
not know Nuns still existed. I had many questions, what
do they do? What is their purpose? Why doesn't every
girl become a nun? How do I know?
Speaker 1 (25:52):
I'm called all very good questions, and then I find
my answer.
Speaker 5 (25:57):
That very week, I was at Mass and our new
parish priest pulled me aside and asked if I was
discerning a religious vocation. He said the Holy Spirit inspired
him to offer me spiritual direction. Eventually I accepted the offer.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
It was a new priest in town.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
He taught me to pray the Rosary. He taught me
a method of mental prayer, and to go to confession
more often. My parents thought it was weird that all
of a sudden I was becoming more religious. When my
mom found out that I wanted to be a nun,
she was so mad and scared. I told this to
my spiritual director, and I began volunteering twice a week
at the MC Sisters in Denver. Father Dave, my spiritual director,
(26:36):
helped me to find a lot of time to pray
during the school year. Jesus told me to be patient
and vigilant that year.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
From the news articles, I remember reading about a priest
who had counseled Ilana throughout her teens, but this is
the first mention I've seen of him by Ilana herself,
and she takes him as a kind of sign from God.
The same week she asked to be shown if she's
called to be a nun. This priest, Father Dave Nix,
appears and asks her exactly that it reminds me of
(27:08):
my father William again Judy, Alana's youth group leader.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
And looking back on it, I just apologized to Joyce
one hundred times. But her relationship with Father Nix, because
she was so excited, she goes, he's my spiritual director, Nichael.
What you know, teenager has a spiritual director, you know,
and you know he would call her and talk to
where you'd be with her, and he's trying to help
(27:34):
her sort out whether or not she could. She really
wanted to be a sister at that point, but I
had it was so much There was so much more going.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
On that I was aware of.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
I'm starting to get a picture of what Alana might
have found at church. It was probably a quiet place
for her after a rowdy frisbee game and a refuge
from her home when her parents were fighting. And it
makes more sense now why her conviction to become a
nun was so strong. Alana was being guided and coached
by her spiritual father father Dave Nix. But what else
was going on that Judy wasn't aware of? In an instant,
(28:13):
I see how important Alana's own words and perspective are
going to be if I'm going to find out what
happened to her, I can't just rely on her family's
observations or a few excerpts. Her journals are the primary
sources of her inner life, and she's got nearly two
dozen of them. I fly back to San Francisco. On
(28:35):
the plane, I think about Alana and Joyce, joy and
the frisbee team. What Alana went through in her early years,
her sneaking out to go to church, and what she
might have found there. I wonder if she would have
related to God the same way I did. As a friend.
I wish that I could talk to her. It's great
(28:55):
to hear stories from her friends, and I can learn
a lot from them. But I realize is that Alana's
own journals are the closest thing to Alana that I'm
going to get her thoughts in her own words. I
called Joyce to talk to her about it. She's very
protective of Alana's journals and has often said that they
contain a lot of private details. She says she doesn't
(29:18):
want to let them out of her sight.
Speaker 6 (29:21):
I get that.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
I decide I'm going to be direct, so I ask
her if I can go through the journals page by page,
maybe even photograph them, so that I can cross reference
names and dates. I tell her that I need to
know what's in those journals, because we need the truth
as Alana saw it, to guide us.
Speaker 7 (29:43):
I wait.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Their silence. Joyce asks me if i'll be careful with them,
if I can do this at her apartment, of course,
I say. She's quiet, and then she replies, Okay, let's
(30:08):
do this.
Speaker 7 (30:09):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Next time, on Dear Alana.
Speaker 5 (30:20):
You're in here with my daughter, a minor. I imagine the
door was shut. I don't know. I have no knowledge
of this. I didn't give any consent. She's fourteen.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Alana is asked to keep a secret that will tear
her apart.
Speaker 7 (30:36):
I will follow her ever since you touched my head.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
kentfang And is a production of tenderfoot TV in association
with a slapt Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Laurie Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(31:09):
and Vanity, Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our credit song,
I Will Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes
and resources can be found on our website Dearlana dot com.
If you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow
the show, rate and review. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Speaker 7 (31:27):
The notion to d Monson so highlove Me, Keep Me Away,
Away from Long.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus
so you can binge the entire series right now. Add
free head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com
to subscribe now.
Deeralana has released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
What's time, Judy, do?
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Look around? Shine?
Speaker 1 (01:03):
I grew up around girls. I have a sister, Margaret,
and my closest friends were my female cousins, Sharon and Vivian.
We chase each other around the house, shrieking, playing Nintendo incessantly,
and as you heard re enact The Little Mermaid. I
was obsessed with this movie. I'm like six or seven.
It's the first film I've ever seen in theaters, and
(01:25):
I'm riveted by this redheaded mermaid. And I also know
that that's not something I should be proud of, not
because anyone sits me down to tell me that. But
I just pick up that like most other boys my
age are not singing to the Little Mermaid. They're outside
playing baseball, soccer, hockey. I grew up in Toronto in
(01:46):
the eighties and nineties, and as a Chinese immigrant family,
we didn't have access to, say hockey, it's a really
expensive sport, so at recess, I have no idea how
to play what the boys are playing, and I play
with the girls. After a while, that just created more
bullying from the boys. They kick balls at me and
would laugh when I ducked out of the way. One
(02:11):
of my earliest memories is me on the schoolyard during recess.
It's winter. My recess activity in frigid Canada is cracking
the ice puddles, waiting desperately for the bell to ring.
I'm feeling so so lonely. Everyone else is off playing together,
skipping rope or playing ball hockey, and it seems like
(02:32):
the only friend I can talk to as I'm poking
the ice with my boot is God. God is the
only one who understands me, the only one who cares,
who sticks around. And this is such a deep memory
because it's cemented in me who God was and helped
me survive from tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon kent Fung. This
(02:58):
is Dear Alana Part two. Father, Oh my god, I
can't understand. I'm with Joyce, Alana's mother, who has so
many unanswered questions about Alana's suicide.
Speaker 5 (03:19):
It was a thirteen that she started suffering. Did you
help that.
Speaker 6 (03:25):
I was severely depressed and had suicidal ideation probably at
the age of nine.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
You know.
Speaker 7 (03:35):
You thought that because of thinking you were.
Speaker 6 (03:38):
No, it was because I was. I was bullied a lot. Oh,
and I never felt like I belonged, and yeah, I
think I just remember even we moved to a new
neighborhood and a new school, and I started a new school,
and you know this was like in third grade, the
first day they make you do an all about me thing.
I remember, even at that age I must have been
(03:59):
what eight years old? My all about me was like,
what are people that I think about me? What is
the most acceptable hobby? Because anything that would have liked
I would have been I had fun of, you know.
So I remember writing like baseball and like me really
it wasn't Yeah, and I like I really like watching
didn't like things like this and likes are so mean?
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Yeah, So do you think Is that how you found God?
Speaker 6 (04:27):
Yeah, I remember being really depressed. My parents didn't know this,
but I would. I would sleep a lot. That's how
I experienced it initially. And then I remember finding quotes
from Bible and really just there was one passage from
Saint Paul when he talks about.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
When I'm weak, then I am.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Strong, and when I'm small and I'm big, And I
remember just feeling like God is the only like in
my life. Yeah that understands and will care.
Speaker 5 (04:56):
And so Richie found on your olympause.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Alana got really into church on her own too, but
I'm still not sure why she was drawn to it
at such an early age. I don't get the sense
that she was bullied like me as a kid. In fact,
Joyce tells me that Alana had many friends, and it
doesn't take long until she introduces me to Joy. Not Joyce,
but Joy, one of Alana's oldest friends.
Speaker 8 (05:23):
So Alana and I met on the first day of kindergarten.
We went to Fireside Elementary. So yeah, I've known her
my whole life.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
It feels like it's windy on this bright fall day,
and Joy is dressed in layers with her blonde hair
in a bun. We meet at Davidson Mesa, one of
their favorite places to hike. I can see the appeal.
It's a huge open area with wide views of the
rocky mountains, a paved looped trail. It's a great place
to clear your head or have a conversation with a friend.
Speaker 8 (05:54):
We would go at night a lot, or at sunset.
She shared a lot of different We shared a lot
of different things with each other on those walks. So
Alana had this big tattoo on her ribcage of Jesus
on the cross, and like when we were walking here
was the first time she showed it to me, and
she like hadn't told her parents.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
I asked her what her earliest memories of Alana were.
Speaker 8 (06:20):
She was so much fun, so playful and curious and kind.
We loved to like have sleepovers and we made all
these videos of ourselves giggling and like jumping on the trampoline.
She had, you know, sisters, so I only had brothers.
They had all these clothes in their house, all these
girls clothes. We would dress up, and Carissa will dress
(06:43):
us up and do our makeup. She made me look
like Shirley Temple one.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Time, Alana Enjoy have a scrap book that they created,
and they had this tradition of passing the book back
and forth on big occasions like birthdays, and taking turns
writing a new entry, adding a new picture or memory
to the ages. Joy brought the book with her and
she opens up the front cover.
Speaker 8 (07:05):
She says, well, I don't actually remember the day we met,
so bye, just kidding, but seriously, I don't remember, but
it happened probably the first day of kindergarten. It must
have been fate that we met that day. Since we're
still friends today, I guess this doesn't count as a memory,
but it was still a very important date and I'm
glad it happened.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
She turns the page, passed a photo of a maybe
six year old Halna looking wistfully next to Joy, who's
mugging to the camera.
Speaker 8 (07:30):
This is a classic story. She tried to comfort me
and then I gave her the flu.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And she's drawing these little school drawing friender hat each one.
Speaker 8 (07:40):
Yes, so there's a stistic figure on this. One says cough,
and then hers says, don't worry, you'll get better. There
was a day I told her my crush.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
The scrap book is thick, and we see Alana and
Joy through the years becoming teenagers.
Speaker 8 (07:55):
When someone would have a breakup, she would, you know,
be all in on. We played game called we called
it that He's a loser game and everyone would just
say things about this X and then we'd say he's
a loser. It's really mature, nonproductive, but you know she
wasn't above any of it.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
We turned the page to a picture of Alana in
a sports uniform.
Speaker 8 (08:18):
So a big part of high school, I think is frisbee.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
She's referring to ultimate frisbee, a high intensity sport where
players have to get a frisbee to an end zone
while trying not to get intercepted along the way. The
high school ultimate frisbee team becomes one of Alana's core
group of friends. This is Nie, the frisbee team captain.
Speaker 9 (08:39):
For me, ultimate has always been a space where like
people can do whatever they want, they can really be themselves.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
It was Knee's passion for ultimate frisbee that recruited Alana
and many others from their high school, and one song
in particular really sums up their team.
Speaker 9 (09:00):
Pedal is a popular radio song from like the mid
two thousands. I would say, for some reason, someone on
our team wanted to turn that song into ass paddle.
You know, we would form a circle as we would
like a huddle, and someone outside of the circle would
(09:20):
have a frisbee in their hand, and we would we
would bend forward with our you know, our behind sticking out,
and someone would go around and just like hit all
of our butts. Everyone in the middle would be like
screaming ass paddle, like really loud. That was one of
the ones that made Alana feel super uncomfortable, So like
she ended up with a nickname that year was Alana
(09:44):
I Don't Participate ten, which was really funny. Like there's
like pictures and like other footage of her just like
standing as still as possible during one of the cheers
that made her uncomfortable, and like that was like one
of the defining moments of a lon I'm.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Kind of jealous of Alana's friend group. I always wished
I had a group of friends to joke around and
do sleepovers with. Instead. My loneliness continued throughout high school,
where I put all my energy into getting good grades.
Alana seems to have it all. A best friend sports
community around this time. If you remember, Alana was fresh
(10:23):
from her Catholic summer camp experience, the one that really
made an impression on her. I asked me if she
remembers if Alana's newfound religious devotion stood out.
Speaker 9 (10:33):
I first started to pick up on how religious Alana
was when we went to travel tournaments. That was senior
year of high school, so that was the first time
our team was able to start traveling to tournaments to compete.
And I had noticed this because she would, you know,
(10:53):
wake up super early on like Sundays of a tournament
and find a way to get to a church in
the morning. And she might have been doing that with
one other teammate, but for the most part, it just
felt like she was doing that on her own because
she chose to do it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Most kids and adults have to be forced to go
to church, but Alana is choosing to go on her
own by herself. I wonder what she's finding there that
she isn't getting from her friends or her family.
Speaker 8 (11:22):
So Alana was like sneaking out to go to church.
I think at one point she asked my mom to driver,
and my mom was like, wait, why, you know, like
she kind of caught on too, of like, I don't
want to be sneaky here, but at the same time,
it was like, but she's going to church, so it's
probably not a big deal.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
It would happen like this every day after school. Alana
would tell her parents she was going to Joys to study,
and then either have Joy's mom drive her or take
the thirty minute bus ride to Saint Thomas Aquinas Church.
Saint Thom's the Catholic parish that sits in the middle
of the University of Colorado Boulder campus. Not a small trek.
It's funny to imagine a young girl sneaking out to
(12:04):
go to church, but I can totally relate. I also
went to daily Mass on the down low, and for me,
it started after I met someone at church. Gosh, I
haven't thought about him in a long time. His name
was Father William, and he introduced me to a more
serious practice of Catholicism. In my late teens, I met
(12:25):
Father William when he came to say Mass at my
college Catholic Center. He was short and trim, head, silver hair,
a twinkle in his eye, and perfect teeth. He walked
around campus in his tailored black cassock and white collar,
like someone out of a nineteen forties Hollywood set. But
the most striking thing about him was the way he
said mass. He was betrayed and entered willingly into his passion.
(12:49):
Father William would say each word deliberately, Take this, all
of you, bow and raise his arms with careful precision,
for this is my body which will be given up,
and pause with dramatic flair as he held up the bread.
Speaker 6 (13:02):
He took bread, and, giving thanks, broke it and gave
it to his disciples, saying take this.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
I was riveted. Compared to the priests I saw every
Sunday growing up, Father William was not going through the motions.
He meant every word of every prayer. One day, Father
William came up to me and asked me if I'd
ever considered the priesthood, that is, if I'd ever thought
of becoming a priest. The thought had crossed my mind,
(13:31):
as it does for many pious Catholic boys. But something
about the way he asked me, the way he looked
me in the eye, made me feel special chosen. I
shyly said yeah, and he told me that if I
was interested, we could meet to talk about that. I said,
I'd think about it, and for the next few weeks
(13:51):
I returned to Mass, excited to see Father William and
hoping that he'd come and talk to me again. He did,
and that year he became my spiritual father and spiritual director,
meeting regularly with me to talk about what it would
take to become a priest. For Alana, all this sneaking
(14:13):
out to church was beginning to get to her. Joyce
tells me about one morning when Alana came into her
room and woke her up. She was in tears and
wanted to talk.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
So and it was she came in a room I
was half asleep, so it was early morning, and I
remember I was like, well, and first my first thought
was she was gonna tell me something bad, like what
I did when I was teenagers drinking at fourteen.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
But Alana had something else to confess.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
She came in my room crying that she'd been lying
to me. That she'd been taking the bus, saying she
was a joys but every night about five o'clock, so
it was a five point thirty Mass, but she was
taking the bus to Saint Thom's which is on the hill,
which is like college students partying. Some bad stuff happens there.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
She's glad that at least Ilana hadn't been sneaking out
to party.
Speaker 5 (15:03):
Part of me was relieved, but then I said, wait,
that's not good for you to go. It's dangerous, and
you know, she was like, no, I'm sorry. I just
I really want to go to Mass every day. And
I was like why, like every day. I don't understand this,
like and she was like, no, I just love it
and I want to go to Mass every day. And
then she said, I really want you to know. I
really want you to watch this show that they showed
(15:25):
us Oprah Went into a Convent.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Oprah Went into a Convent. I don't remember seeing this
episode when it aired, but the video is pure Oprah
production value.
Speaker 6 (15:36):
Today, twenty two young women will begin their journey toward
becoming a nun.
Speaker 5 (15:40):
I graduated from high school back in June.
Speaker 8 (15:43):
I guess I knew ever since I was really little, like,
I never had any doubts that God was calling me.
I've definitely thought about it.
Speaker 9 (15:49):
Yeah, and it's it's crossed my mind a lot, being
with Jesus the whole time.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
Yeah, maybe twenty four to seven, I mean went better husband.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Coprah cuts the shots of young nuns in their white habits,
playing ball, hockey, riding bikes on the gorgeous green Convent acreage,
and she interviews this beaming woman who's left behind a
great career to become a nun. Where were you in
your life when you realized you wanted to be married
to Jesus Christ.
Speaker 10 (16:18):
I was sitting on my couch in my house and
an apartment on the lake, and I was in front
of my TV, and I had just finished decorating. And
I looked at the stereo and I looked at the
like my whole entertainment center. And I thought, and I
said it out loud. I I usually don't talk to
myself out loud. I said, I could give it up
all tomorrow and it wouldn't mean a hill of beans.
Speaker 7 (16:40):
Really.
Speaker 10 (16:40):
I came to a point where I said, Okay, this
is it, and if I know this is it, then
I have to do it.
Speaker 5 (16:46):
And so she showed me the video. I'm half asleep.
They were playing frisbee in their habits, and like she said, Mom,
some of them were nurses and doctors and then now
they're nuns and they're Look how happy they are and
I just remember going no, no, no, Like inside, I was
like m m no. And she was so young, so
I was pretty shocked, you know. And then I just
(17:08):
said I think I said, you can't take the bus anymore.
If you want, I'll go. I don't think you need
to go every day, you know. And she was upset
with me. She was upset with me right away about
my lack of enthusiasm and my judgment about the convent.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
As funny as nuns playing frisbee might sound, it's actually
a powerful juxtaposition. Growing up, I tended to think of
priests and nuns as these alien creatures who took on
restrictive spiritual practices in order to be close to God.
But discovering that they were real people who had regular
jobs and played sports in their free time, made their
(17:48):
callings suddenly a lot more accessible, Like maybe I could
do that too. Alana's desire to be a nun would
be the source of many fights with her mom. Over church.
Speaker 5 (18:00):
I ran into Joy's mom and she said, oh my god,
you must be so happy Eleanna wants to be a nun.
And I was like what. I was like, what are
you talking about? And I'm not happy? What you're telling me,
And I'm like, Debbie, she's thirteen, she's fourteen, what are
you kidding me?
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Like, her friend Joy remembers when this happened, how Alana
was really mad at her mom for not letting her
go to church by herself.
Speaker 8 (18:22):
You know, it's kind of this adolescent like parents don't
get it, and it was just so confusing for all
of us because the limits that they were setting were
around church and for us it was like curfew, you know,
like spending time with boys. And I just think we
didn't get that, you know.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Even still, Joe reflects on how much she looked up
to Alana.
Speaker 8 (18:43):
For better or for worse. Alana was always my moral compass.
You know, if I made a joke at someone's expense,
I would just think like, Elana wouldn't do that. She
was so kind of rooted in her values and thoughtful. Like,
looking back, it's actually kind of you know, I work
with kids and teenagers now, and knowing what I know
(19:05):
about child adolescent development, it's like remarkable.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
It sounds like Alana was a kind of role model
for a lot of her friends. I ask Joy if
Alana would ever talk about her own struggles.
Speaker 8 (19:17):
We would talk about difficult things in her life. And
I don't know if that's because she asked or because
I would ask. You know, obviously I'm a therapist now
and I had I think some of those bends back then.
And maybe Alana and I did a little bit of
that together of like we're going to be stayle and
(19:38):
supportive for other people and not as much for ourselves.
So maybe we influenced each other in that way. But
we did certainly talk about stuff going on with her family, So.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
What was going on with her family? The fact is,
even before Alana was born, things between Mike and Joyce
weren't going well. I'm with Joyce and she's cleaning up
after making me that sandwich.
Speaker 5 (20:03):
When Sammy was little, I wound up in the safe
house within ten month old for a month, and then
I got all kinds of services and then a legal separation.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
After a period of separation, Joyce moved back in with Mike.
Speaker 5 (20:16):
Then I moved. I wound up going in the house
with him.
Speaker 6 (20:21):
Oh right, yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:23):
Right after that I had we had another incident.
Speaker 6 (20:27):
She just was like this for thirty let's kickers two years.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
As their family grew, things stabilized relatively speaking. I reached
out to Mike, but he didn't answer my calls. I'm
sure I don't have the complete picture of their troubles,
but needless to say, their marriage was rocky. It strikes
me how open Joyce is.
Speaker 5 (20:49):
They had like five marriage counselors.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
I mean, we've known each other for now almost two
years and just recently in person, but she doesn't hold
anything back. She speaks with this kind of earnest energy,
like she wants me to know everything about her life
so that I can better understand Ala. Joyce reflects on
how her marriage might have impacted Alana.
Speaker 5 (21:11):
She wrote, it's in her journal, and she was always
scared I was leaving. I know. I mean I think
that's why sometimes I'm so guilty, because there's so many
things that.
Speaker 6 (21:24):
Her spirit soul was. It was scared.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I talked to Alana's younger sister, Sophia. She remembers this
time well, when they were young girls and Alana wanted
to be a nun.
Speaker 11 (21:45):
We definitely were very shocked. I just remember I was like,
it's my sister. I love her and I'm going to
support her, but it was still oddic. I remember they
were in my mother's room once in their arguing, that
conversation was getting pretty heated and my sister was getting upset,
(22:05):
so I stepped in. And I often felt like a
big sister to her sometimes because not because I was
more mature, because I wasn't, but I was a lot
more vocal, and I remember telling my mom. I was like,
if this is what she wants to do, this is
what she wants to do.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
And Sofia begins to notice changes in Alana's appearance.
Speaker 11 (22:27):
As she got more involved in the church. She started
dealing down her wardrobe, really conservative skirts, no makeup, really
long sleeves, everything was covered.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
She even stopped wearing bathing suits and would go into
the water with a T shirt on. This new image
was in stark contrast to her earlier style of neon
pink tops, red shoes, and Barett's in her hair. I've
shared how I got interested in becoming a priest, but
I wonder how Alana first got the idea to become
a nun, as it lily didn't come from her upbringing.
(23:02):
Was it just the Oprah video? Did the desire come
from God himself? A mysterious calling, as we learned in
Sunday School. I figured she must have confided in somebody
at church at that time, so I reached out to Judy,
her middle school youth group leader at Saint Thom's.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
Alana always had that It's hard to explain just that
light of Christ in my mind. She just lit up,
just this radiant being and that I just I remember
from that point on, I just thought she is so lucky.
You know, she knows God at such a young age.
(23:40):
I mean, I don't know very many girls that want
to be a nun.
Speaker 5 (23:44):
That was unusual.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
It was unusual, but as her youth group leader, Judy
was secretly rooting for.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
It, and she said her mother didn't want her to
be in I'm kind of in the middle here going
I love it. I kind of want you to be
a nun, but I've got to respect Joyce. I remember
I wanted to be a nun, so maybe that was
part of my heart. You know. Saint Therez was like
what fourteen when she entered the convent, and you know,
(24:13):
I just thought, if that's where your heart is, follow it,
don't let anyone tell you no, you can't do that,
because God's the most important. The other side of me said,
you know, God's not going to let go if she
really has it. So I said, you don't just keep
praying and walking that way, and your mom will understand
(24:36):
eventually if this is what you really want to do.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Back at the apartment, Joyce shows me the earliest journal
she can find.
Speaker 5 (24:49):
She left all were in that bin.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
It opens with a sort of list of instructions that
Alana wrote to herself.
Speaker 5 (24:57):
You tape, never glue stick this notebook. Do not waste space.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Keep in mind dates altas dense and neat. Writing packs
every line of the spiral ring notebook true to form.
She doesn't waste any inch of space.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
The notebook marks a new beginning. Today is May first,
twenty thirteen. This is the month devoted to the blessed
Virgin Mary. This notebook and all its contents, thoughts, less pictures, prayers,
are devoted to Mama Mary to be handed over completely
to Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
We turn the page to find a sort of spiritual recap.
Speaker 5 (25:33):
I saw a girl who loved Jesus as if he
were her husband. I wanted that love. I decided I
would follow Jesus from that moment. Until then, I did
not know Nuns still existed. I had many questions, what
do they do? What is their purpose? Why doesn't every
girl become a nun? How do I know?
Speaker 1 (25:52):
I'm called all very good questions, and then I find
my answer.
Speaker 5 (25:57):
That very week, I was at Mass and our new
parish priest pulled me aside and asked if I was
discerning a religious vocation. He said the Holy Spirit inspired
him to offer me spiritual direction. Eventually I accepted the offer.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
It was a new priest in town.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
He taught me to pray the Rosary. He taught me
a method of mental prayer, and to go to confession
more often. My parents thought it was weird that all
of a sudden I was becoming more religious. When my
mom found out that I wanted to be a nun,
she was so mad and scared. I told this to
my spiritual director, and I began volunteering twice a week
at the MC Sisters in Denver. Father Dave, my spiritual director,
(26:36):
helped me to find a lot of time to pray
during the school year. Jesus told me to be patient
and vigilant that year.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
From the news articles, I remember reading about a priest
who had counseled Ilana throughout her teens, but this is
the first mention I've seen of him by Ilana herself,
and she takes him as a kind of sign from God.
The same week she asked to be shown if she's
called to be a nun. This priest, Father Dave Nix,
appears and asks her exactly that it reminds me of
(27:08):
my father William again Judy, Alana's youth group leader.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
And looking back on it, I just apologized to Joyce
one hundred times. But her relationship with Father Nix, because
she was so excited, she goes, he's my spiritual director, Nichael.
What you know, teenager has a spiritual director, you know,
and you know he would call her and talk to
where you'd be with her, and he's trying to help
(27:34):
her sort out whether or not she could. She really
wanted to be a sister at that point, but I
had it was so much There was so much more going.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
On that I was aware of.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
I'm starting to get a picture of what Alana might
have found at church. It was probably a quiet place
for her after a rowdy frisbee game and a refuge
from her home when her parents were fighting. And it
makes more sense now why her conviction to become a
nun was so strong. Alana was being guided and coached
by her spiritual father father Dave Nix. But what else
was going on that Judy wasn't aware of? In an instant,
(28:13):
I see how important Alana's own words and perspective are
going to be if I'm going to find out what
happened to her, I can't just rely on her family's
observations or a few excerpts. Her journals are the primary
sources of her inner life, and she's got nearly two
dozen of them. I fly back to San Francisco. On
(28:35):
the plane, I think about Alana and Joyce, joy and
the frisbee team. What Alana went through in her early years,
her sneaking out to go to church, and what she
might have found there. I wonder if she would have
related to God the same way I did. As a friend.
I wish that I could talk to her. It's great
(28:55):
to hear stories from her friends, and I can learn
a lot from them. But I realize is that Alana's
own journals are the closest thing to Alana that I'm
going to get her thoughts in her own words. I
called Joyce to talk to her about it. She's very
protective of Alana's journals and has often said that they
contain a lot of private details. She says she doesn't
(29:18):
want to let them out of her sight.
Speaker 6 (29:21):
I get that.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
I decide I'm going to be direct, so I ask
her if I can go through the journals page by page,
maybe even photograph them, so that I can cross reference
names and dates. I tell her that I need to
know what's in those journals, because we need the truth
as Alana saw it, to guide us.
Speaker 7 (29:43):
I wait.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Their silence. Joyce asks me if i'll be careful with them,
if I can do this at her apartment, of course,
I say. She's quiet, and then she replies, Okay, let's
(30:08):
do this.
Speaker 7 (30:09):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Next time, on Dear Alana.
Speaker 5 (30:20):
You're in here with my daughter, a minor. I imagine the
door was shut. I don't know. I have no knowledge
of this. I didn't give any consent. She's fourteen.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Alana is asked to keep a secret that will tear
her apart.
Speaker 7 (30:36):
I will follow her ever since you touched my head.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
kentfang And is a production of tenderfoot TV in association
with a slapt Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Laurie Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(31:09):
and Vanity, Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our credit song,
I Will Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes
and resources can be found on our website Dearlana dot com.
If you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow
the show, rate and review. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Speaker 7 (31:27):
The notion to d Monson so highlove Me, Keep Me Away,
Away from Long.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus
so you can binge the entire series right now. Add
free head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com
to subscribe now.
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