October 26, 2023 • 22 mins
n this Halloween special, guest-starring Johnny Pemberton, BuyWell decides to let its employees wear their costumes to work on Halloween, and all hell breaks loose. Plus, Amazon puts satellites into space, a public library labels a book as “Gay,” and a stripping dad.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Attention Shoppers.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about
official bag box store any similarity to real stores or
real people. It is completely cool, incidental.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Can't I find a spoon for my yogurt? You can't
find anything in this place? Nothing useful? What is this
a drawer full of Mayo packets? Are these allowed to
just be out in the open, everybody in the breakroom,
you should listen up to this.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
So we've been.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Getting some feedback about the Halloween decorations and uh, you know, Liz,
I'm afraid that that starving polar bear decoration you put
up in electronics. It's just too scary and it'll have
to come down.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Climate change is scary. That decoration is a wake up call.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
It's just it's not even Halloween related, you know. It's
not a zombie polar bear or like a Frankenstein polar bear.
It's just a really skinny polar bear and it's upsetting children.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Yeah, you're waiting for the polar bear death before it
can turn into those things. It's really more sad than
anything else. What's sad is you wearing shorts in October?
Jerry Stakes to lois nothing.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
We don't sat by everything.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Bye, I'm gonna ask you guys again not to make
fun of my streak clothes, all right. Also, it looks
like corporate has changed this policy and this year employees
will be allowed to wear their Halloween costume.
Speaker 5 (01:33):
Oh fuck yeah, a day without the stupid dress code.
I can finally rock some side butt at work, because
side butt is the new sideboob. But if you hit crack,
you've gone too far.
Speaker 6 (01:49):
On all other days, I'm discouraged from wearing a mask.
But on so on and all hellos, everything goes topsy turvy.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Halloween is a great way to make a political statement
that everyone has to look at all day long. Maybe
I'll go as student debt forgiveness.
Speaker 7 (02:07):
I'm going as an invisible man. That way, none of
y'all will know if I'm at work or not.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Yeah, Robert, that's that's not gonna work.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
We're gonna know if you're not here. Okay, if I'm invisible,
how would you know?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Not showing up is more like you're the not here man,
like a man who's not there, you know. It's like
a disappearing man. So it's not even an accurate costume.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
No.
Speaker 6 (02:28):
Uh yeah, Jerry, I might be an invisible man too.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
No, no, no, don't everybody go as an invisible man.
Speaker 5 (02:34):
I'm not. I'm an invisible woman.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Okay, you know what. Y'all can joke all you want. Okay,
but you better beware because I've worked at by Well
far longer than you have. I remember the last time
they allowed costumes at work. The chaos, the screams, the blood.
I'm telling you this where you're costume to work policy is.
Speaker 8 (02:57):
Cursed, cursed.
Speaker 4 (02:58):
I say, what is that? What is that? Use it?
Speaker 6 (03:01):
Sorry, Jerry, that's my Halloween ringtone. Hello, No, sir, I'm
not interested in donating to that political candidate. No, I
am a demi libertarian.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
By I found the rock band guitars, the computer had
them logged in weird, and someone shoved them beside the
rubber bands and office supplies.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
That's like that library in Alabama.
Speaker 7 (03:27):
They had a children's book called Read Me a Story,
and their computer flag. That's sexually explicit because the author's
last name was gay. Like her last name was gay,
Like her last name's actually gay, like Marvin gay, Rudy gay.
The only right kind of gay, any kind of gay
is right you know what I mean. Please don't get
(03:48):
me canceled. I gotta go to HR game.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
I mean, to be fair, A lot of books seem
gay if you just read the cover. Jack Reacher sounds
pretty gay, oh.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
Very gay. Hop on Pop doesn't stand.
Speaker 5 (03:59):
Up Amelia Badilia, it does sound very lesbian. Curious.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
The same thing with Sarah Plain and Tall.
Speaker 6 (04:06):
Be really careful if you tell Amelia Badilia that you're
down for some scissoring takes things literally.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
I just don't understand why Republicans think books are going
to turn their kids gay. It's like they saw an
ad for reading Rainbow and got confused.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
I mean, why are they even searching for the word
gay on the cover. A gay book isn't going to
call itself a gay book. Even gay bars don't call
themselves gay bars. They have subtle names, you know, like
Pecker's Place or the manhole, which could be any type
of hole like black Hole Construction had some butthole.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
The run around here is called crystals. You'd never know.
I've ended up there many times by accident. But I
guess I get why the computer made the mistakes. I
thought I was gay for about four months in college.
Speaker 6 (04:48):
It goes without saying that this library doesn't have any
books written by my favorite authors. I'm talking about folks
like Andrew Fingerhole, Douglas Spurting, member, JJ LICKMSS Backing Balls,
Bruce Choedstein. These are all legitimate authors that I found
on deep Amazon. It's an Amazon only accessible on the
(05:10):
dark web.
Speaker 5 (05:10):
Wait, didn't JJ loock my socond Ball's jew Golden Compass.
I think I love his work.
Speaker 6 (05:16):
Believe that's right.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
I thought Andrew Fingerhole got canceled. I thought he got
me too.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
Andrew Fingerhold definitely got canceled, not for the reason you think,
though plagiarism.
Speaker 4 (05:26):
But look, the.
Speaker 6 (05:27):
System flagged the name gay as objectionable. A homophobic AI.
A homophobic AI would have a very difficult existence. I mean,
when it found out about C three PO, might as
well just self destruct. Yeah right, C three PO and
R two D two are just friends. Come home, guys,
Just live your truth.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
Okay.
Speaker 7 (05:48):
Maybe their AI stands for Alabama Intelligence because they're not
exactly known for their tolerance. I mean, if any author's
last name is black, I know he's out of there.
Speaker 5 (05:58):
I mean, in their defense, though gay is a confusing name,
people are probably like, Hey, what's your name? And she's
like I'm gay and they're like, Okay, not what I asked,
but you go girl.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
I just feel like maybe the computer needs a little guidance,
like a very special episode of Queer Eye where they
walk the AI through how to become more accepting of
others and to love himself or herself or itself? How
do you gender an AI?
Speaker 6 (06:22):
So you're picturing a show called Queer Eye for the AI.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Yes, let's get Jonathan Vaness in this hard drive.
Speaker 7 (06:30):
I don't think bandon books is gonna keep kids away
from sexually explicit content, though they need to ban that
one weird kid who keeps drawing SpongeBob in the bathroom
with a big dick.
Speaker 4 (06:41):
He's a sponge. You don't even have dix.
Speaker 7 (06:44):
I don't need to see Pikachu with balls. You damn
it forgot to buy my kid's Halloween costume. You think
Amazon could get a Mandalorian costume and a baby Yoda
to my house in three hours?
Speaker 6 (06:59):
I mean they should be able to handle a Star
Wars purchase. Bezos is launching his own damn satellites up
to compete with Elon Musk's starlink system.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
I think Amazon is gonna do great in space. I mean,
they're already making their employees pee and water bottles. It's
like they've been training them to be astronauts this whole time.
Speaker 6 (07:17):
They already got them living in zero G conditions in
those little vans of theirs?
Speaker 7 (07:22):
Does Amazon delivered the satellites the same way they deliver
the packages, just by chucking them over the fence and
hoping for the bets, you.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
Know, just whipping them half hazardly up into the atmosphere,
turning around before they even see where they land, and
then taking a blurry photo of it as it reaches
the apex of its orbit.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
Ooh, they should make Amazon satellites by elon Musk satellites
with like lasers or whatever, and then they could charge
Star Wars dorks to watch it.
Speaker 6 (07:48):
Holy smoke, child, I would watch that in a heartbeat.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
The men who built the Washington Monument in the Eiffel
Tower must be so jealous in their graves, their giant
metal dicks could only get as high as the Earth's atmosphere.
I mean, is there our international infrastructure completely dependent on
these two rich white men having a pisson contest.
Speaker 6 (08:05):
All of human achievement is built upon fallocentricity. We are
all groping ever higher towards the skies with rockets and
columns and etc.
Speaker 5 (08:16):
That's right. We won't have a quality until we have
a giant space. Pussy who do I talk to about this?
Speaker 6 (08:21):
They have a theory about a giant space, you know,
from which we all came into, which we shall one
day return. That's what they talk about when they say
Big Bang and humanity in the future will be wiped
out by a plummeting satellite designed to beam prime orders
of dildo's and cat litter back to Earth. Time is
a circle.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
There are three billion people on Earth without Internet access,
and they say space Internet is hoping to fix that.
Why that's three billion people who get to live without
ever reading a comment in the comment section or worrying
that their kids are watching foot porn. Let them go free.
Speaker 5 (08:57):
Honestly, I would love it if my kids are enough
porn because you can't get pregnant with feet.
Speaker 6 (09:02):
It is one of the safest forms of intercourse anyway.
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for
online pornography.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
You know how long it's going to take to repair
space Internet.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
All I know is they better let me use the
good satellites. Okay, I pay for Prime, not those shitty
satellites that they like Beam c Span and like Motel TV.
I want the new ones, the shiny ones.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
One time man seek to trot upon the moon, and
now we only shoot ourselves into space to get discount
twenty four packs of paper towels.
Speaker 5 (09:32):
Oh, I need more paper towels. I totally forgot.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Well, cute costume, Shilah, thank you. What's with the diaper?
Speaker 5 (09:43):
Oh, I'm a sexy baby Google Goggo daddy. Okay, fine,
I ran out of money and my grandma left her
diaper here. I'm making it work, though, sorry, not sorry.
I don't believe in letting people tell me how to dress.
Did you see that video of that data in Arizona.
He was like testing them, relaxing the dress code. Stripped
off his clothes at a school board meeting and he
(10:05):
only had like this crop top and booty short ensemble underneath.
Oh my god, nobody needs to see that. No, thank you, rue,
Paul Blart, mall cop No.
Speaker 6 (10:15):
I mean you laugh or whatever. But this tactic works. Okay,
I made the exact same threat at the city council meeting,
and now we have that stop sign.
Speaker 7 (10:25):
So he was trying to make a point how no
one will take you seriously if you're wearing a crop
top in booty shorts. All this while wearing a crop
top and booty shorts. The man defeated himself.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
Yeah, I bet you. Wearing tubetops and government buildings is
just his kink and this is the only way he
can do it without getting arrested. His gotta be at
least at the next meeting. He can't say he's against
drag queens.
Speaker 5 (10:45):
Honestly, he shouldn't be that upset. I just want to
tell him, when the girls wear it, they won't look
like a human hot pocket delicious.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
This dad said that he was concerned about preparing kids
for the workforce. It's like, sir, most people work from
home right now. You can literally show up without pants on,
let alone a little teen training brawl like the one
this guy's wearing in the video.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
I show up without pants on under my coveralls nearly
every day. Going commando keeps your seed potent and maintains
your virility.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
You're looking forward to being a dad Victor one day, Liz.
Speaker 6 (11:15):
That has nothing to do with it. It's just to
keep up the quality of my donations.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
What are you donating?
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I thought you were giving platelets Jesus Victor.
Speaker 6 (11:24):
Oh no, no platelets, just sperms.
Speaker 5 (11:26):
Oh my god, my friend just had a baby that
only would bottle feed because it's a breast milk was
contaminated with vaccines from the water.
Speaker 6 (11:34):
Stream ship off the old block.
Speaker 8 (11:36):
Ew.
Speaker 5 (11:36):
I think she had Victor's baby.
Speaker 6 (11:38):
I think I have sired one in ten children in
this county.
Speaker 7 (11:41):
It can't be good for the future. You're going ahead
a lot of militia members.
Speaker 6 (11:45):
Yeah, that's when my plan moves into phase two.
Speaker 7 (11:48):
I don't think this dude understands, like, do you want
people to graduate? Looking at girls and crop times was
the only reason I showed up to high school.
Speaker 6 (11:56):
Yeah, I was homeschooled, so this wasn't really an issue
for me. Entire family is pretty much new the entire time.
Speaker 5 (12:02):
That somehow explains a lot.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Bye bye, Well.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Wow, Shilah. That costume does not leave much to the imagination.
I think I mean is that I think I see
a little bit of Ariola right there.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
Hell yeah, a little nippy Pippita pop up your day. Absolutely,
but I like your costume, thank you.
Speaker 4 (12:28):
It has a cool witch costume.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
I am Ruth bader Ginsburg. Oh you can't see my
doily collar.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
Why are you holding a broom?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Someone spilled cheetos all over electronics. I'm cleaning it up.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
Why to prosthetic nose and chin? Not word?
Speaker 6 (12:49):
This snake table is just catching everything today. Behold am
a chimera, a creature of Greek mythology. As you can see,
it's got the line head up here on the front,
and then a snake tail there on the back, and
in the middle a fire breathing goat head. I even
(13:10):
got these even got these cool tanks here so I
can shoot some real flames.
Speaker 4 (13:14):
Check it out.
Speaker 6 (13:15):
Oh my god, oh.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Boy, Hey, Victor, you can't have open flame back here.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
Man, don't worry, it's not catching much.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
I wish I could say this was the first breakroom
fire you've caused this month. Victor.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
It's not an electrical fire. It's a chemical fire. Everybody
just relaxed.
Speaker 5 (13:33):
WHOA, I'm sorry, Robert, who are you supposed to be?
Speaker 4 (13:38):
I'm Jerry. Hey, y'all, all right, you know what that is?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
That is really good, funny Robert and I know er Okay,
stop it.
Speaker 5 (13:49):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
I don't appreciate the white face. Okay, I don't think
that that's appropriate.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
The girls in the makeup department helped me.
Speaker 6 (13:56):
Oh hey, Rich, Hey, that's a nice Frankenstein costume.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Rich sounds like you've been smoking those cubans again. See, Jerry,
you were wrong. We're all wearing costumes and nothing scary
is happening.
Speaker 6 (14:12):
Sorry, snake tail got tangled in my dam's victory.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
That almost took my browse off.
Speaker 6 (14:19):
Sorry. Sorry, yeah, I will put that out.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Bye bye.
Speaker 6 (14:30):
Let's see now I am alone again tonight. Maybe I'll
go to a movie, some light and fun. Let's see here.
Do I want to see Saw X or Exorcist, Believer
or the None too?
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Are you gonna go to an AMC? Do you know
about how the head of the company just got catfished?
This woman pretended to be one of his exes and
convinced him to send nudes and then tried to blackmail
him for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Speaker 7 (14:59):
Wow, dude, is an idiot? How you get catfished by
an ex girlfriend? I already hit that. I'm good not
sending you any money or pictures.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
I just think it's so funny that he went to
the authorities rather than pay the ransom. You guys, if
Jerry came out and was like, you guys, I'm being
blackmailed with my own nudes, I would use my own
children's college funds to pay for that. There's no way
I'm letting that material out into the world.
Speaker 5 (15:24):
I feel like I'm an expert on this story because
I've had sex and an AMC theater before.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Here. Look at my phone. Look at the picture of
this guy. He has a comb over. Never trust a
man with a comb over. They're comfortable lying to your
face and they believe in themselves.
Speaker 5 (15:40):
Oh my god, he looks like a horny big toe.
What is that?
Speaker 4 (15:44):
He should have known nobody wants to see him naked.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Yes, I don't understand why men can't grasp the first
rule of Internet safety, which is no body, and I
mean not one person actually wants to see your dick.
Speaker 5 (15:56):
I don't know. I might want to take a peek.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
I knew you were gonna pipe in here, Shilah.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
I mean, I just I feel like she did a
bad job. I'm catfishing for guys right now, and the
key is to keep the money amount low. Don't ask
for four tires. Have each guy buy you one. You
can keep it going for months.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
It's gonna be so embarrassing when they make a movie
about this and they have to show it in AMC theaters.
They're gonna cast somebody really hot and make them gain
a ton of weight and do it comb over. It's
gonna be humiliating.
Speaker 6 (16:24):
Chris Pine is gonna win an Oscar for that one.
But y'all, can you lay off just a little bit.
I'm sorry, I just find the term catfish offensive. Come on, now,
they're the noble bottom feeders of the fresh water, peacefully
mine in their own business. Now, salmon, there's a flashy,
good for nothing fish. We could do without those a
(16:45):
little freaks swim up stream back to their place of
their spawning to spawn again. It's freaky ass fish that
basically wants to have sex in a childhood bedroom.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
What the hell well looks like? I have to stop
eating my salmon bagel?
Speaker 4 (16:59):
Now, who was my boss?
Speaker 7 (17:00):
I'd keep creating email accounts and just sending messages like Hi,
I'm Candy, I'm twenty five.
Speaker 4 (17:07):
I love yoga, and I think Robert deserves a race.
Speaker 5 (17:10):
It says he thought the catfish was his ballerina ex girlfriend.
He should have demanded to see pictures of her feet.
If those things don't look like naral dinosaur claus, she
is lying.
Speaker 7 (17:19):
Yeah, ballerinas and NBA players I think have the most
destroyed feet.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
They look like oak trees.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
It looks like they're throwing up gang signs in this shoe.
Speaker 6 (17:28):
I got a foot that looks like a man drake root.
But I mean, for real, this man is the head
of a fortune five hundred company, and couldn't he just
have had sex with one of the numerous concubines provided
for him at the Illuminati parties he attends at the
Bohemian Grove. Why even join the Illuminati if you're not
gonna get the perks?
Speaker 3 (17:47):
How is AMC a fortune five hundred company. Nobody goes
to the movies anymore. I'm at home every weekend watching
Barbon starg to Visa del Mar.
Speaker 6 (17:56):
I like to pair that with a Christopher Nolan movie,
so I can have a Barbon Star Urban himer by.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Only one customer even got that I was a Supreme
Court justice, but she thought I was Amy Coney Barrett,
which is arguably a way scarier costume, and I should
have thought of it.
Speaker 5 (18:15):
Weird. Why would you think your pro life everything about
you screams dead inside? You know, don't feel bad. My
costume didn't go over the way I intended either. I
think the diaper is a turn off. Everybody keeps thinking
about me shitting myself, and it is attracting the wrong
type of guy.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
I'm sorry I went in white face.
Speaker 7 (18:33):
His makeup is itchy and it's hot, and man, it's
really kind of hard being white man. Did y'all do
away with all the privileges because I've just been getting
harassment and accusations, none of them privileges that I hear
so much about.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Oh Liz shout Robert, could someone help me out of
this thing? The pro pane I use to make the
flames is leaking into the suit. I think I might
have cerebral hypoxia. So just listening close, and you let
me know if I started slur my word a little bit,
(19:11):
you sound great, Uh huh okay.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
What about you, Rich? That mask too tight or what
you've been? Awfully quiet?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (19:21):
Okay, very funny.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Rich.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
We all think it's a cool Frankenstein, But I have
to talk to you about inventory. So could you take
the mask off?
Speaker 3 (19:31):
Rich?
Speaker 4 (19:32):
Who are you?
Speaker 9 (19:34):
I'm just a man.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Do you work here?
Speaker 1 (19:38):
No?
Speaker 5 (19:39):
No?
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Well if if you don't work here, then you'll, uh,
you'll have to leave the break Crow. It's employees only.
Speaker 9 (19:47):
But I don't. I don't want to leave. I want
to stay here with you and Liz and Victor, Shila, oh,
Robert and Jerry. We can talk about current events together. Yeah,
wouldn't it be fun just talking about stuff?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
For now, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave
the store.
Speaker 9 (20:05):
Oh okay, maybe or you know, maybe not? Maybe not,
maybe not? Actually, hey, is there a drawer here in
the kitchen where you keep the knives? You should respect
yourself to have a more organized space to work in here.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
This is ridiculous.
Speaker 9 (20:25):
Where are the knives? Jesus, you can't find anything in here.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
There might be some plastic knives in there.
Speaker 9 (20:31):
Well that's not I need a sharp knife, you know,
like for steak.
Speaker 8 (20:35):
Everyone tackle him now, no, no, on, everybody.
Speaker 5 (20:52):
In here. I can help. I'm filming. Actually I missed
the bite. I'm sorry. Can you bite him again?
Speaker 6 (21:04):
This knocked him out with the propane fumes cerebral hypoxia.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Oh thank you, Victor.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Now do y'all believe me that Halloween sucks?
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Wait, that means Jerry was right about something.
Speaker 10 (21:30):
By Well Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and
Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Fernara. The associate
producer is Wesley Hayes.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
It is executive.
Speaker 10 (21:42):
Produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, Carra Welker, Nathan Cloke
and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, mixing by j Palisi,
casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks.
Liz is played by Kara kling Rich is played by
Kurt Broneller. Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is
(22:05):
played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by James Odomian.
Nia is played by Kisha Zoler, Shilah is played by
Suba Argiwal, and Darry is played by Jared Logan.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Bye
Attention Shoppers.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about
official bag box store any similarity to real stores or
real people. It is completely cool, incidental.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Can't I find a spoon for my yogurt? You can't
find anything in this place? Nothing useful? What is this
a drawer full of Mayo packets? Are these allowed to
just be out in the open, everybody in the breakroom,
you should listen up to this.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
So we've been.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Getting some feedback about the Halloween decorations and uh, you know, Liz,
I'm afraid that that starving polar bear decoration you put
up in electronics. It's just too scary and it'll have
to come down.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Climate change is scary. That decoration is a wake up call.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
It's just it's not even Halloween related, you know. It's
not a zombie polar bear or like a Frankenstein polar bear.
It's just a really skinny polar bear and it's upsetting children.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Yeah, you're waiting for the polar bear death before it
can turn into those things. It's really more sad than
anything else. What's sad is you wearing shorts in October?
Jerry Stakes to lois nothing.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
We don't sat by everything.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Bye, I'm gonna ask you guys again not to make
fun of my streak clothes, all right. Also, it looks
like corporate has changed this policy and this year employees
will be allowed to wear their Halloween costume.
Speaker 5 (01:33):
Oh fuck yeah, a day without the stupid dress code.
I can finally rock some side butt at work, because
side butt is the new sideboob. But if you hit crack,
you've gone too far.
Speaker 6 (01:49):
On all other days, I'm discouraged from wearing a mask.
But on so on and all hellos, everything goes topsy turvy.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Halloween is a great way to make a political statement
that everyone has to look at all day long. Maybe
I'll go as student debt forgiveness.
Speaker 7 (02:07):
I'm going as an invisible man. That way, none of
y'all will know if I'm at work or not.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Yeah, Robert, that's that's not gonna work.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
We're gonna know if you're not here. Okay, if I'm invisible,
how would you know?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Not showing up is more like you're the not here man,
like a man who's not there, you know. It's like
a disappearing man. So it's not even an accurate costume.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
No.
Speaker 6 (02:28):
Uh yeah, Jerry, I might be an invisible man too.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
No, no, no, don't everybody go as an invisible man.
Speaker 5 (02:34):
I'm not. I'm an invisible woman.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Okay, you know what. Y'all can joke all you want. Okay,
but you better beware because I've worked at by Well
far longer than you have. I remember the last time
they allowed costumes at work. The chaos, the screams, the blood.
I'm telling you this where you're costume to work policy is.
Speaker 8 (02:57):
Cursed, cursed.
Speaker 4 (02:58):
I say, what is that? What is that? Use it?
Speaker 6 (03:01):
Sorry, Jerry, that's my Halloween ringtone. Hello, No, sir, I'm
not interested in donating to that political candidate. No, I
am a demi libertarian.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
By I found the rock band guitars, the computer had
them logged in weird, and someone shoved them beside the
rubber bands and office supplies.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
That's like that library in Alabama.
Speaker 7 (03:27):
They had a children's book called Read Me a Story,
and their computer flag. That's sexually explicit because the author's
last name was gay. Like her last name was gay,
Like her last name's actually gay, like Marvin gay, Rudy gay.
The only right kind of gay, any kind of gay
is right you know what I mean. Please don't get
(03:48):
me canceled. I gotta go to HR game.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
I mean, to be fair, A lot of books seem
gay if you just read the cover. Jack Reacher sounds
pretty gay, oh.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
Very gay. Hop on Pop doesn't stand.
Speaker 5 (03:59):
Up Amelia Badilia, it does sound very lesbian. Curious.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
The same thing with Sarah Plain and Tall.
Speaker 6 (04:06):
Be really careful if you tell Amelia Badilia that you're
down for some scissoring takes things literally.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
I just don't understand why Republicans think books are going
to turn their kids gay. It's like they saw an
ad for reading Rainbow and got confused.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
I mean, why are they even searching for the word
gay on the cover. A gay book isn't going to
call itself a gay book. Even gay bars don't call
themselves gay bars. They have subtle names, you know, like
Pecker's Place or the manhole, which could be any type
of hole like black Hole Construction had some butthole.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
The run around here is called crystals. You'd never know.
I've ended up there many times by accident. But I
guess I get why the computer made the mistakes. I
thought I was gay for about four months in college.
Speaker 6 (04:48):
It goes without saying that this library doesn't have any
books written by my favorite authors. I'm talking about folks
like Andrew Fingerhole, Douglas Spurting, member, JJ LICKMSS Backing Balls,
Bruce Choedstein. These are all legitimate authors that I found
on deep Amazon. It's an Amazon only accessible on the
(05:10):
dark web.
Speaker 5 (05:10):
Wait, didn't JJ loock my socond Ball's jew Golden Compass.
I think I love his work.
Speaker 6 (05:16):
Believe that's right.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
I thought Andrew Fingerhole got canceled. I thought he got
me too.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
Andrew Fingerhold definitely got canceled, not for the reason you think,
though plagiarism.
Speaker 4 (05:26):
But look, the.
Speaker 6 (05:27):
System flagged the name gay as objectionable. A homophobic AI.
A homophobic AI would have a very difficult existence. I mean,
when it found out about C three PO, might as
well just self destruct. Yeah right, C three PO and
R two D two are just friends. Come home, guys,
Just live your truth.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
Okay.
Speaker 7 (05:48):
Maybe their AI stands for Alabama Intelligence because they're not
exactly known for their tolerance. I mean, if any author's
last name is black, I know he's out of there.
Speaker 5 (05:58):
I mean, in their defense, though gay is a confusing name,
people are probably like, Hey, what's your name? And she's
like I'm gay and they're like, Okay, not what I asked,
but you go girl.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
I just feel like maybe the computer needs a little guidance,
like a very special episode of Queer Eye where they
walk the AI through how to become more accepting of
others and to love himself or herself or itself? How
do you gender an AI?
Speaker 6 (06:22):
So you're picturing a show called Queer Eye for the AI.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Yes, let's get Jonathan Vaness in this hard drive.
Speaker 7 (06:30):
I don't think bandon books is gonna keep kids away
from sexually explicit content, though they need to ban that
one weird kid who keeps drawing SpongeBob in the bathroom
with a big dick.
Speaker 4 (06:41):
He's a sponge. You don't even have dix.
Speaker 7 (06:44):
I don't need to see Pikachu with balls. You damn
it forgot to buy my kid's Halloween costume. You think
Amazon could get a Mandalorian costume and a baby Yoda
to my house in three hours?
Speaker 6 (06:59):
I mean they should be able to handle a Star
Wars purchase. Bezos is launching his own damn satellites up
to compete with Elon Musk's starlink system.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
I think Amazon is gonna do great in space. I mean,
they're already making their employees pee and water bottles. It's
like they've been training them to be astronauts this whole time.
Speaker 6 (07:17):
They already got them living in zero G conditions in
those little vans of theirs?
Speaker 7 (07:22):
Does Amazon delivered the satellites the same way they deliver
the packages, just by chucking them over the fence and
hoping for the bets, you.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
Know, just whipping them half hazardly up into the atmosphere,
turning around before they even see where they land, and
then taking a blurry photo of it as it reaches
the apex of its orbit.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
Ooh, they should make Amazon satellites by elon Musk satellites
with like lasers or whatever, and then they could charge
Star Wars dorks to watch it.
Speaker 6 (07:48):
Holy smoke, child, I would watch that in a heartbeat.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
The men who built the Washington Monument in the Eiffel
Tower must be so jealous in their graves, their giant
metal dicks could only get as high as the Earth's atmosphere.
I mean, is there our international infrastructure completely dependent on
these two rich white men having a pisson contest.
Speaker 6 (08:05):
All of human achievement is built upon fallocentricity. We are
all groping ever higher towards the skies with rockets and
columns and etc.
Speaker 5 (08:16):
That's right. We won't have a quality until we have
a giant space. Pussy who do I talk to about this?
Speaker 6 (08:21):
They have a theory about a giant space, you know,
from which we all came into, which we shall one
day return. That's what they talk about when they say
Big Bang and humanity in the future will be wiped
out by a plummeting satellite designed to beam prime orders
of dildo's and cat litter back to Earth. Time is
a circle.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
There are three billion people on Earth without Internet access,
and they say space Internet is hoping to fix that.
Why that's three billion people who get to live without
ever reading a comment in the comment section or worrying
that their kids are watching foot porn. Let them go free.
Speaker 5 (08:57):
Honestly, I would love it if my kids are enough
porn because you can't get pregnant with feet.
Speaker 6 (09:02):
It is one of the safest forms of intercourse anyway.
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for
online pornography.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
You know how long it's going to take to repair
space Internet.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
All I know is they better let me use the
good satellites. Okay, I pay for Prime, not those shitty
satellites that they like Beam c Span and like Motel TV.
I want the new ones, the shiny ones.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
One time man seek to trot upon the moon, and
now we only shoot ourselves into space to get discount
twenty four packs of paper towels.
Speaker 5 (09:32):
Oh, I need more paper towels. I totally forgot.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Well, cute costume, Shilah, thank you. What's with the diaper?
Speaker 5 (09:43):
Oh, I'm a sexy baby Google Goggo daddy. Okay, fine,
I ran out of money and my grandma left her
diaper here. I'm making it work, though, sorry, not sorry.
I don't believe in letting people tell me how to dress.
Did you see that video of that data in Arizona.
He was like testing them, relaxing the dress code. Stripped
off his clothes at a school board meeting and he
(10:05):
only had like this crop top and booty short ensemble underneath.
Oh my god, nobody needs to see that. No, thank you, rue,
Paul Blart, mall cop No.
Speaker 6 (10:15):
I mean you laugh or whatever. But this tactic works. Okay,
I made the exact same threat at the city council meeting,
and now we have that stop sign.
Speaker 7 (10:25):
So he was trying to make a point how no
one will take you seriously if you're wearing a crop
top in booty shorts. All this while wearing a crop
top and booty shorts. The man defeated himself.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
Yeah, I bet you. Wearing tubetops and government buildings is
just his kink and this is the only way he
can do it without getting arrested. His gotta be at
least at the next meeting. He can't say he's against
drag queens.
Speaker 5 (10:45):
Honestly, he shouldn't be that upset. I just want to
tell him, when the girls wear it, they won't look
like a human hot pocket delicious.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
This dad said that he was concerned about preparing kids
for the workforce. It's like, sir, most people work from
home right now. You can literally show up without pants on,
let alone a little teen training brawl like the one
this guy's wearing in the video.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
I show up without pants on under my coveralls nearly
every day. Going commando keeps your seed potent and maintains
your virility.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
You're looking forward to being a dad Victor one day, Liz.
Speaker 6 (11:15):
That has nothing to do with it. It's just to
keep up the quality of my donations.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
What are you donating?
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I thought you were giving platelets Jesus Victor.
Speaker 6 (11:24):
Oh no, no platelets, just sperms.
Speaker 5 (11:26):
Oh my god, my friend just had a baby that
only would bottle feed because it's a breast milk was
contaminated with vaccines from the water.
Speaker 6 (11:34):
Stream ship off the old block.
Speaker 8 (11:36):
Ew.
Speaker 5 (11:36):
I think she had Victor's baby.
Speaker 6 (11:38):
I think I have sired one in ten children in
this county.
Speaker 7 (11:41):
It can't be good for the future. You're going ahead
a lot of militia members.
Speaker 6 (11:45):
Yeah, that's when my plan moves into phase two.
Speaker 7 (11:48):
I don't think this dude understands, like, do you want
people to graduate? Looking at girls and crop times was
the only reason I showed up to high school.
Speaker 6 (11:56):
Yeah, I was homeschooled, so this wasn't really an issue
for me. Entire family is pretty much new the entire time.
Speaker 5 (12:02):
That somehow explains a lot.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Bye bye, Well.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Wow, Shilah. That costume does not leave much to the imagination.
I think I mean is that I think I see
a little bit of Ariola right there.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
Hell yeah, a little nippy Pippita pop up your day. Absolutely,
but I like your costume, thank you.
Speaker 4 (12:28):
It has a cool witch costume.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
I am Ruth bader Ginsburg. Oh you can't see my
doily collar.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
Why are you holding a broom?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Someone spilled cheetos all over electronics. I'm cleaning it up.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
Why to prosthetic nose and chin? Not word?
Speaker 6 (12:49):
This snake table is just catching everything today. Behold am
a chimera, a creature of Greek mythology. As you can see,
it's got the line head up here on the front,
and then a snake tail there on the back, and
in the middle a fire breathing goat head. I even
(13:10):
got these even got these cool tanks here so I
can shoot some real flames.
Speaker 4 (13:14):
Check it out.
Speaker 6 (13:15):
Oh my god, oh.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Boy, Hey, Victor, you can't have open flame back here.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
Man, don't worry, it's not catching much.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
I wish I could say this was the first breakroom
fire you've caused this month. Victor.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
It's not an electrical fire. It's a chemical fire. Everybody
just relaxed.
Speaker 5 (13:33):
WHOA, I'm sorry, Robert, who are you supposed to be?
Speaker 4 (13:38):
I'm Jerry. Hey, y'all, all right, you know what that is?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
That is really good, funny Robert and I know er Okay,
stop it.
Speaker 5 (13:49):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
I don't appreciate the white face. Okay, I don't think
that that's appropriate.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
The girls in the makeup department helped me.
Speaker 6 (13:56):
Oh hey, Rich, Hey, that's a nice Frankenstein costume.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Rich sounds like you've been smoking those cubans again. See, Jerry,
you were wrong. We're all wearing costumes and nothing scary
is happening.
Speaker 6 (14:12):
Sorry, snake tail got tangled in my dam's victory.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
That almost took my browse off.
Speaker 6 (14:19):
Sorry. Sorry, yeah, I will put that out.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Bye bye.
Speaker 6 (14:30):
Let's see now I am alone again tonight. Maybe I'll
go to a movie, some light and fun. Let's see here.
Do I want to see Saw X or Exorcist, Believer
or the None too?
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Are you gonna go to an AMC? Do you know
about how the head of the company just got catfished?
This woman pretended to be one of his exes and
convinced him to send nudes and then tried to blackmail
him for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Speaker 7 (14:59):
Wow, dude, is an idiot? How you get catfished by
an ex girlfriend? I already hit that. I'm good not
sending you any money or pictures.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
I just think it's so funny that he went to
the authorities rather than pay the ransom. You guys, if
Jerry came out and was like, you guys, I'm being
blackmailed with my own nudes, I would use my own
children's college funds to pay for that. There's no way
I'm letting that material out into the world.
Speaker 5 (15:24):
I feel like I'm an expert on this story because
I've had sex and an AMC theater before.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Here. Look at my phone. Look at the picture of
this guy. He has a comb over. Never trust a
man with a comb over. They're comfortable lying to your
face and they believe in themselves.
Speaker 5 (15:40):
Oh my god, he looks like a horny big toe.
What is that?
Speaker 4 (15:44):
He should have known nobody wants to see him naked.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Yes, I don't understand why men can't grasp the first
rule of Internet safety, which is no body, and I
mean not one person actually wants to see your dick.
Speaker 5 (15:56):
I don't know. I might want to take a peek.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
I knew you were gonna pipe in here, Shilah.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
I mean, I just I feel like she did a
bad job. I'm catfishing for guys right now, and the
key is to keep the money amount low. Don't ask
for four tires. Have each guy buy you one. You
can keep it going for months.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
It's gonna be so embarrassing when they make a movie
about this and they have to show it in AMC theaters.
They're gonna cast somebody really hot and make them gain
a ton of weight and do it comb over. It's
gonna be humiliating.
Speaker 6 (16:24):
Chris Pine is gonna win an Oscar for that one.
But y'all, can you lay off just a little bit.
I'm sorry, I just find the term catfish offensive. Come on, now,
they're the noble bottom feeders of the fresh water, peacefully
mine in their own business. Now, salmon, there's a flashy,
good for nothing fish. We could do without those a
(16:45):
little freaks swim up stream back to their place of
their spawning to spawn again. It's freaky ass fish that
basically wants to have sex in a childhood bedroom.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
What the hell well looks like? I have to stop
eating my salmon bagel?
Speaker 4 (16:59):
Now, who was my boss?
Speaker 7 (17:00):
I'd keep creating email accounts and just sending messages like Hi,
I'm Candy, I'm twenty five.
Speaker 4 (17:07):
I love yoga, and I think Robert deserves a race.
Speaker 5 (17:10):
It says he thought the catfish was his ballerina ex girlfriend.
He should have demanded to see pictures of her feet.
If those things don't look like naral dinosaur claus, she
is lying.
Speaker 7 (17:19):
Yeah, ballerinas and NBA players I think have the most
destroyed feet.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
They look like oak trees.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
It looks like they're throwing up gang signs in this shoe.
Speaker 6 (17:28):
I got a foot that looks like a man drake root.
But I mean, for real, this man is the head
of a fortune five hundred company, and couldn't he just
have had sex with one of the numerous concubines provided
for him at the Illuminati parties he attends at the
Bohemian Grove. Why even join the Illuminati if you're not
gonna get the perks?
Speaker 3 (17:47):
How is AMC a fortune five hundred company. Nobody goes
to the movies anymore. I'm at home every weekend watching
Barbon starg to Visa del Mar.
Speaker 6 (17:56):
I like to pair that with a Christopher Nolan movie,
so I can have a Barbon Star Urban himer by.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Only one customer even got that I was a Supreme
Court justice, but she thought I was Amy Coney Barrett,
which is arguably a way scarier costume, and I should
have thought of it.
Speaker 5 (18:15):
Weird. Why would you think your pro life everything about
you screams dead inside? You know, don't feel bad. My
costume didn't go over the way I intended either. I
think the diaper is a turn off. Everybody keeps thinking
about me shitting myself, and it is attracting the wrong
type of guy.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
I'm sorry I went in white face.
Speaker 7 (18:33):
His makeup is itchy and it's hot, and man, it's
really kind of hard being white man. Did y'all do
away with all the privileges because I've just been getting
harassment and accusations, none of them privileges that I hear
so much about.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Oh Liz shout Robert, could someone help me out of
this thing? The pro pane I use to make the
flames is leaking into the suit. I think I might
have cerebral hypoxia. So just listening close, and you let
me know if I started slur my word a little bit,
(19:11):
you sound great, Uh huh okay.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
What about you, Rich? That mask too tight or what
you've been? Awfully quiet?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (19:21):
Okay, very funny.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Rich.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
We all think it's a cool Frankenstein, But I have
to talk to you about inventory. So could you take
the mask off?
Speaker 3 (19:31):
Rich?
Speaker 4 (19:32):
Who are you?
Speaker 9 (19:34):
I'm just a man.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Do you work here?
Speaker 1 (19:38):
No?
Speaker 5 (19:39):
No?
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Well if if you don't work here, then you'll, uh,
you'll have to leave the break Crow. It's employees only.
Speaker 9 (19:47):
But I don't. I don't want to leave. I want
to stay here with you and Liz and Victor, Shila, oh,
Robert and Jerry. We can talk about current events together. Yeah,
wouldn't it be fun just talking about stuff?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
For now, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave
the store.
Speaker 9 (20:05):
Oh okay, maybe or you know, maybe not? Maybe not,
maybe not? Actually, hey, is there a drawer here in
the kitchen where you keep the knives? You should respect
yourself to have a more organized space to work in here.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
This is ridiculous.
Speaker 9 (20:25):
Where are the knives? Jesus, you can't find anything in here.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
There might be some plastic knives in there.
Speaker 9 (20:31):
Well that's not I need a sharp knife, you know,
like for steak.
Speaker 8 (20:35):
Everyone tackle him now, no, no, on, everybody.
Speaker 5 (20:52):
In here. I can help. I'm filming. Actually I missed
the bite. I'm sorry. Can you bite him again?
Speaker 6 (21:04):
This knocked him out with the propane fumes cerebral hypoxia.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Oh thank you, Victor.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Now do y'all believe me that Halloween sucks?
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Wait, that means Jerry was right about something.
Speaker 10 (21:30):
By Well Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and
Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Fernara. The associate
producer is Wesley Hayes.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
It is executive.
Speaker 10 (21:42):
Produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, Carra Welker, Nathan Cloke
and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, mixing by j Palisi,
casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks.
Liz is played by Kara kling Rich is played by
Kurt Broneller. Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is
(22:05):
played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by James Odomian.
Nia is played by Kisha Zoler, Shilah is played by
Suba Argiwal, and Darry is played by Jared Logan.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Bye
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