September 7, 2023 • 21 mins
A secret shopper visits the store and the staff is desperate to figure out who it might be. Also: India lands on the moon and an uncomfortable World Cup kiss.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Attention Shoppers.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about
an official big box store. Any similarity to real stores
or real people is completely coincidental.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
By okay, everybody, wain't a s ads, Come on in
here to eat, break room, do the morning announcement where
we go open the store. Corporate wanted me to remind you,
guys that when you answer the phone here at the store,
you can't just say hello, Okay, You've got to answer
the phone, thank you for calling. Buy well where the
(00:36):
prices are low and the services swell buy everything, by well,
how can I help you?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I know that's a lot, that's a mouthful, but we are.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Contractually obligated to say the whole thing every single time
we answer the phone. You can't say what you've been saying,
because like Victor the other day, I think you answered
go for Victor. Yeah, And Liz, you can't answer the
phone what.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
You can't just say what?
Speaker 4 (01:01):
Go what?
Speaker 5 (01:02):
And then they just tell me what they want.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yet Liz, don't don't don't answer the phone what? All right?
We're not We're not doing that, lewis nothing.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
We don't say everything.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
By all right?
Speaker 3 (01:21):
The thing I wanted to talk to you guys about
the most today. The most important thing is that I
heard a by Well super secret store snooper is going
to be in the store today.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
This is a person who evaluates the store and reports
back to corporate. They're looking for excellent customer service, excellent
customer rapport.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
They're looking for.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Neat and tidy shelves and work areas. They're looking for
efficiency and service. All right, and anyone in the store
could be the BSSSS anyone interesting.
Speaker 4 (01:58):
Seems to me as though we've got some interoffice espionage
on our hands.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
It is a little bit of espionage. Victor.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
That is. Yes, today, I need you all to watch
out and make sure that you're on your best behavior. So, Liz,
that means do not talk to the customers about abortion rights. Okay,
just don't bring it up. And that's a rule for
every day, Liz, not just today.
Speaker 5 (02:20):
Jerry, I know you're not infringing on my free speech
right now because Bywell is not ready for the lawsuit
I'm gonna bring.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
How come every time we have a morning meeting, someone
threatens a lawsuit. Every morning.
Speaker 6 (02:31):
It's the only thing Corporate America respects.
Speaker 5 (02:34):
Working at one of these stores is like playing the lottery.
We're just hoping one day something's going to happen. We
can sue you guys for us. We can stop working
here and live a semblance of a normal life.
Speaker 7 (02:45):
I know, I tried to zoom when I slipped on
all of that spaghetti sauce, but then they said I
couldn't win because I bought the sauce from home.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
I was so close, Shilah, I want you to stop
dragging that recliner over from furniture so you can sit
while you ring people up the check out.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Stop doing that.
Speaker 7 (03:01):
Okay, Wow, are you trying to make a pregnant woman
stand Jerry?
Speaker 8 (03:04):
That's messed up.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
You know what, Shla, I'm not gonna believe you this time,
because this is like the fifth time you have pretended
to be pregnant.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
You keep crying wolf about being pregnant. You're pregnant, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
You pretended you were pregnant last week just so I
would let you wear your uniform untucked. Okay, that is
a very trivial reason. So we can't have any shenanigans today.
There can be no high jinks, which is why I
don't want to see anything like Victor and Robert when
you were having the fight with the nail guns from hardware.
Speaker 6 (03:38):
Come on, man, we did that one time. That was
one time.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
Yeah, hardly enough to come down on us like that.
And oh and thank you once again Robert for driving
me to the er.
Speaker 6 (03:49):
Oh man, no problem, you healed up goods. Oh you
can't even tell the nails still in there. That's right now.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
The doctor said, it's a miracle that I survived. It's
sort of a Phineas Gauge situation. Hear about that fellow
had a railroad spike driven through his head and he
survived for years afterwards. Apparently I'm a medical marvel.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Okay, so that's it.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Okay, everybody on their best behavior, keep your area neat
and tidy, and ask the customers what you can do
to help them.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Because the Bywell Super Secret store snooper could.
Speaker 4 (04:18):
Be anyone, that's right, even one of us. By Well.
Speaker 5 (04:27):
Thanks everybody for not showing up to the final Bywell
softball game of the year. We lost again, in case
any of you care, sorry or what sorry whatever. If
we had won, I guess Jerry might have tried to
kiss me like that Rubialis guy at the World Cup.
Speaker 8 (04:43):
This guy is such an idiot.
Speaker 7 (04:45):
Everyone knows when you sexually hear us, so when you
wait until there are no TV cameras filming it.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
Hey man, this dude wasn't just kissing people. He was
grabbing his balls in the stands and everything else. Like
I don't know what kind of commissioner he is, but.
Speaker 5 (04:58):
This guy just became the Harvey Weinstein of soccer, and
he's about to learn all about the Yotambian movement.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
I mean in a perverse way. You got to credit
this man's courage. He tried this with a group of
women who are known for kicking balls as hard as
they can. It's a miracle he walked out of there.
Speaker 7 (05:13):
We had a coach that would actually kiss the players
in high school. I mean, it's passed up, but Coach
Garry was my first kiss. And you can say it
was inappropriate, but we want to state yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:23):
I mean it's completely inappropriate. No one kisses anyone after
they win at a Magic the Gathering tournament.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
You know you messed up when FIFA's mad at you.
I mean, they'll play in countries with a string of
human rights violations. This guy's officially worse than Saudi Arabia.
Speaker 6 (05:39):
EA. Sports has got to put this in the next FIFA.
In FIFA twenty four, they gotta have Horny commission a
mode where Spanish guy runs around trying to kiss you
until the time runs out. It's got to be some
type of bonus.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
Yeah, they should make more video games hornier. Just think
of what those Tetris tiles get up to.
Speaker 5 (06:00):
I'm trying to book a flight to my cousin's wedding
in North Carolina and the rates are through the roof.
Didn't realize you had to be the ruling class to
fly southwest.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
Now, Yeah, there have been a lot of plane crashes
lately too.
Speaker 5 (06:14):
Oh thanks for bringing that up, Victor, very helpful, thank you.
Speaker 6 (06:17):
Yeah, No, he's right. They're saying the plane that they've
got progosion was somehow sabotaged by Putin, and that's why
I crashed. If you just led a mutiny against Putin,
why the hell are you getting on a plane. Putin
doesn't let shit go, He doesn't forget shit. He's still
mad at Ukraine for declaring independence and that happened in
ninety one. That's like still being mad at mc hammer.
You got to let that Taco bell commercial go.
Speaker 8 (06:39):
Russians do hold grudges. It's true.
Speaker 7 (06:41):
I broke up with this Russian dja in like twenty fifteen,
and he still won't give me his new Netflix password.
Speaker 8 (06:46):
It's like, oh my god, get over it, move on, obsessed.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Well, I don't know about your little boyfriend, Shilah, but
Putin's entire personality screams small penis syndrome. Some woman in
his past shot him down. Now he's shooting planes down.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Listen.
Speaker 5 (07:00):
Putin is a thug. Remember when Trump said he could
shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and he
wouldn't lose any voters. Putin's actually doing that next week.
Speaker 4 (07:08):
Oh now, everybody thinks there's a conspiracy. But when I
said that Elon Musk is secretly using the SpaceX program
to launch weather satellites to control global climate change, everyone
thinks I'm crazy.
Speaker 6 (07:19):
The man Putin kills six Russians in one minute. That's
some John Wick type shit who killed this man's dog. Yeah, like,
just give him that guy. It's a very interesting situation.
I mean, Progotion was Putin's chef and has become his
most feared killer. I think it's well past time for
NATO to arm one of our greatest shifts. Gordon Ramsay, Yeah,
(07:41):
just telling Putin is like under cooking a Yorkshire pudding
and get the body bags ready. We need to weaponize
that rage. I think there should be a whole chef's initiative.
We got to get Bobby Flay in there as well.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Is this like your weird Homeland Food Network fan fiction
that you're working on, Victor.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
If you want to see it, I can email you
a copy.
Speaker 6 (08:00):
My mayor from Flavortown, Gaffieri, them outfits he wears.
Speaker 4 (08:04):
Picture it. You're there in your Eastern European stronghold. Suddenly
from behind you, the smell of donkey sauce and hot
wings emerging from the shadows comes the Lord of Flavortown,
and Gaffietti comes and groats you. Your body is found
weeks later with a buffalo chicken sandwich protruding from your mouth.
Speaker 5 (08:24):
Victor, you're too close. Step back, You're standing too close
to me.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
To me, it just feels nice having everybody thinking this way.
It's like, now everybody thinks there's a conspiracy. I don't
feel so alone.
Speaker 5 (08:43):
Oh God, Victor, it smells so strongly of bleaching. Here.
We're supposed to eat lunch in a year, not feel
like we're being gassed to death.
Speaker 4 (08:53):
What the look, dude, There's a mystery wet spot over
here by the refrigerator. Every time I mop it up,
it just returns. I've tried everything. No matter how I
clean it, it always returns. Whether I use bleach or ammonia,
it always comes back. I'm losing sleep over this, y'all.
This wet spot haunts me in my dreams.
Speaker 8 (09:14):
I don't know. I love the smell of bleach.
Speaker 7 (09:16):
It reminds me of the time me and my friend
Cassie went to get our buttthole done.
Speaker 8 (09:20):
It was so much fun.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Now, what has done mean in this particular instance?
Speaker 7 (09:25):
Think about if you'r aboto had to go to a
formal dinner and you wanted it to look like super
and Ice.
Speaker 6 (09:29):
Now it's not the time to be talking about brown
eye black Jays, because I've figured out who the snitch is.
It's the guy who came in the hardware asking all
the suspicious questions like why did the light bulb should
I use in my main living room? I told him
nobody would know that the only person that would know
that is a nark. And if you a nark, you
need to tell me what why dish does he need?
I don't even know how good his eyes are. That
(09:50):
all depends on your personal preference. I started to rip
his mustache, y'all, but I couldn't quite reach him. Nobody
has the big magnum pi mustaches. No more did give away?
Speaker 4 (10:01):
I don't know.
Speaker 7 (10:02):
I think it's that suspicious looking guy in that big
brown raincoat.
Speaker 8 (10:05):
He looks so familiar.
Speaker 5 (10:07):
Yeah, Shilah, that's the guy who keeps flashing us in
the store.
Speaker 8 (10:11):
Remember, Oh my god, I love that guy. His junk
is so small.
Speaker 7 (10:16):
It's like so cute and adorable, like a little teeny
tiny weaning.
Speaker 8 (10:20):
It's so cute, totally, Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (10:23):
Remember how hard we laughed last time I got a cramp?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I got a cramp.
Speaker 5 (10:27):
It honestly brightens my day when I see him come in.
I'm like, show me the goods I could. Mama could
use a laugh. You know.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Well, I don't know about you, but I think it's
the guy with the beard out front of the store.
You know, the one who's always ranting and screaming about
the rapture to anyone who will listen.
Speaker 5 (10:42):
Victory, that's Sam. He's been out there since this place
used to be a car wash. It's impossible for him
to be the super Secret Store Snooper exactly.
Speaker 4 (10:50):
That's why no one would ever suspect him deep cover,
although of course it could be one of us.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Okay, y'all know, I've been thinking about it, and I
think that the super Secret Store Snooper could actually be
one of us.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
So if it's one of y'all, you get.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
You have to tell me, Okay, Jerry, get a grip.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (11:11):
This feels like a sociological experiment. I bet there isn't
even a super Secret Store shop wher. They're trying to
see how you crack under pressure.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Oh, very interesting, Liz, it's probably.
Speaker 6 (11:20):
You, You the snoopiest. If one of us had to
be a snooper, I would say, you, you snoop.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Don't you think I'm too obvious of a choice? Then
don't you think I'm too obvious?
Speaker 5 (11:30):
They could just bring me in and I could just
report everything I know about all of you.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Shilah, you're being awful quiet over there. Does that lead
me to believe it might be you? Right, hanging back,
not saying anything.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Now, it's not me.
Speaker 7 (11:42):
I'm really bad at keeping secrets. Like that warp cream
we found in the break room was Jerry's.
Speaker 8 (11:46):
Oops.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
See give me that, hand me that. That's my warp cream.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Yeah, you have your own office, so it's weird that
your warp cream would be in the breakroom.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
I was.
Speaker 4 (11:57):
I find that all over the store.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Give me that warp cream.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Listen, medication for chronic warp flare ups is not a
laughing matter.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Let's work together.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Let's go out there and give those customers the best
service experience they've ever had.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Go team. Is anybody gonna put their hand on my hand?
Because that it's kind of a thing.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
After that warp talk, I'm good bye, Shila. Are you
looking at that video you took at the aerostur again?
You can't even see Taylor Swift. She's just like a
little aunt in the horizon.
Speaker 7 (12:35):
Somebody's jelly And yeah, I am because I just admire
her so much.
Speaker 8 (12:41):
She has all that money and then she left her manager.
But mostly she has so.
Speaker 5 (12:45):
Much money, Shila, this is what happens when you get
all your news from TikTok. She didn't leave her manager.
Scooter Braun is a manager who took all of Taylor's
masters when he bought her old record label and never
gave her the option to buy them, which made her
and the Swifties very upset, but ultimately ended up with
Taylor earning millions of dollars by re recording all the songs.
And at the moment, actually a lot of people are
(13:07):
ditching Scooter Braun who he actually did manage, such as
Ariana Grande, Justin Bieber, a Dina Manzelle. They're all hitting
the road and I can see why no one should
give any authority to a man who calls himself Scooter
that has kicked out of college for a hazing scandal
written all over it.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
Wow, Liz, for a diehard Natalie Merchant fan, you sure
know your Billboard Top ten Listen.
Speaker 5 (13:30):
I'm never going to pass up an opportunity to eviscerate
a man who's trying to steal money from a woman.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Amen to that. I wasn't personally familiar with Scooter Braun
because none of the artists he managed play heavy metal
music based on the fantastical worlds of speculative fiction. Unless
there's a Justin Bieber song about the planet of Aracus
that I somehow missed.
Speaker 8 (13:49):
Isn't that what Yummy is about?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Well, perhaps Yummy refers to the spice milunge Lucky.
Speaker 6 (13:56):
You can just fire your manager. My uncle was a
singer back in the day in Philly and to have
a knife fight with his manager just to get his
suits back.
Speaker 4 (14:03):
Look, my mother handled my business for years. Yes, anything
to do with my business was in her hands. She
manipulated it in all kinds of ways. I finally had
to say, Hey, Mom, I'm a grown man, Let go
of my business.
Speaker 6 (14:15):
Wait a minute, is Scooter Braun White People's sugar night?
I get it now.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Now, I just want to know who he dangled out
of a window by his ankles.
Speaker 6 (14:27):
It's probably the girl that sang the song from Frozen
threatened to let her go.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
You know, the word manager just means something different in
the music business. It's like Jerry's our manager. We can't
all just leave him on mass.
Speaker 8 (14:38):
Im My God, can we fire Jerry?
Speaker 6 (14:40):
That would be so dope. I wish you could leave Jerry.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Hello, I thought I heard my name? Did were my
ears tingling? You guys talking about me?
Speaker 7 (14:49):
Yes, Jerry, we would love to fire you, but you
keep telling me that's not how it works, and you
keep showing up.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Okay, it was something hurtful.
Speaker 7 (14:56):
Again.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office alone.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Bye bye.
Speaker 8 (15:10):
Oh my god.
Speaker 7 (15:12):
Another redneck customer just asked me where I'm really from.
It's like, bitch, I'm really from Philadelphia. My mom gave
birth while tailgating at an Eagles game. Okay, I'm so
sick of this. Any people can come from anywhere. We
were just on the frickin moon.
Speaker 5 (15:26):
Oh yeah, I just read that India lands at a probe
on the south pole of the Moon.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
There might be vital.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Reserves of frozen water up there, and you know, our
environment here on Earth is completely fucked. When the water
on the Moon is now considered vital, I wonder how
much they're gonna sell that. For Fiji water's four dollars
a bottle, how much is moonwater gonna be?
Speaker 6 (15:44):
Wow? So the Moon got water before Flint d.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
Great point, Robert, speaking of Indian people in space, anyway,
we could send vivek Rumaswami up there just until twenty
twenty five. I mean, really, just shoot him right up
there or anywhere without a camera. Would be fine too.
Speaker 6 (15:58):
He laid his hail to the space. I mean, what,
we landed in nineteen sixty seven on the Moon. What else?
What they're gonna do next, India? What'd you gonna give
us color TV?
Speaker 8 (16:07):
I don't know. It takes a long time to say
goodbye to a billion people. Okay. I tried to leave
my aunt's house once that It took me a full week.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
Now I just can't stop thinking about that delicious moonwater.
Oh I want to.
Speaker 6 (16:17):
Have some of that.
Speaker 8 (16:18):
I've had moon cheese. Is that really from the moon?
Probably not.
Speaker 6 (16:22):
How many products are they eggs booring from the damn moon? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Many things come from the moon. Uh, even the moon walk.
Check it out.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Stop grabbing your crotch in the break room, Victory, Stop
robbing your crotch, Simoni.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
He's not bad, He's not bad. He's really gladden across
the floor.
Speaker 4 (16:41):
There's more than one reason I keep the floor so
slick around here. But yeah, you're you're you're not wrong.
This is a great step for India. I mean, for
the country to have developed the technology to fake a
moon landing, just like the other major world powers. I mean,
kudos to them.
Speaker 7 (16:55):
Yeah, no, if India faked a moonlight and was directing
a video. There would be at least three dance numbers
and a tiger fight. So it's the real footage.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Okay, y'all. I halloa. Wo jesus, Jerry, what an entr?
Speaker 6 (17:18):
I don't get up yet. Don't get up yet. If
you want to see him, call your personal injury attorney. Folks.
Speaker 8 (17:22):
Ah, oh my god, Jerry, can you do that again?
I wasn't recording, all right.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Get off me, get it back up back Okay, I'm okay,
I'm okay.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
This dang old wet spot just keeps coming back. And Jerry,
now that I'm actually looking at what it's done to
your shirt and trousers, creating sort of a tie die effect,
I'm starting to think that the bleach I've been using
to tidy the wet spot is creating the wet spot.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Yeah, a lot of these bottles look pretty old, Victor.
Let's change him out for some new stuff. Well, I
got the report back, and uh it is not good.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
People.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
I got specific comments on each of your performances. Right here,
it says in the evaluation a man from maintenance kept
winking at the customers.
Speaker 4 (18:10):
All right, Well, Yeah, that was me. I was thinking
that if they winked back, I know that was the
secret chopper.
Speaker 6 (18:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
People don't want the guy with them up winking at them.
Speaker 4 (18:22):
Also, my wink looks very off kilter since the nail
gun incident.
Speaker 6 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Uh, Shila, I got a note here for on the evaluation,
It says the cashier was looking at TikTok on her
phone and held up a finger for me to wait
until she watched seven different tiktoks.
Speaker 8 (18:41):
Oh my thank god. I thought I made him wait
way longer than that.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Give me your phone. I'm confiscating the phone. I'm taking
the phone. Okay, you know what. I'm gonna check if
I'm allowed to do that, and then i'm gonna come
back and I'm gonna take it, Liz.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It says that the woman who.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Manages electric I heard her tell a customer to quote
quit man explaining TVs to her.
Speaker 5 (19:06):
Okay, so they overheard me. At least I didn't say it.
Do the secret shopper. They think they can tell me
about four K and they don't even know the difference
between O led and qled.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Get out of here.
Speaker 5 (19:17):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
Finally, it says that he asked a man in hardware,
what kind of light bulb do you use in his
living room? And he got called a nark?
Speaker 6 (19:25):
God damn it. I knew it was him. I told y'all,
I told you I had him, Jerry, we had him.
I should have went with my first mind and duct
taped him to the forklift. Why then we could have
really got some answers.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Why didn't you just answer his question, Robert.
Speaker 6 (19:39):
I'm not gonna get caught talking to a snitch. You
know what does gonna look like for me?
Speaker 4 (19:43):
Besides, there's too busy tearing his mustache off.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Yeah, and we are lucky that we didn't lose points
for that. So in conclusion, we scored in the fortieth
percentile of Bywell's nationwide not good people.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
That is low. That is very low.
Speaker 6 (20:02):
That's passing.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Robert's right, it is technically passing. And we are up
from the thirty fifth percentile last year. That's a five
percent improvement, y'all.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
All right? Hell yeah, So just to celebrate, I am
buying pizza for the entire Snag right from the cheap
place out by the Highway, oh.
Speaker 9 (20:27):
By employees only. Is produced by Imagine Audio and pretty
fast for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Fernara.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
The associate producer is Wesley Hayes.
Speaker 9 (20:38):
It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, Carra Welker,
Nathan Kloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing
by j Palizi, Casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed
by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara kling Rich
is played by Kurt Brunneller, Victor is played by Ross Bryant.
(21:01):
Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by
James Adomian. Nia is played by Keisha Zohler, Shilah is
played by Suba Argowall, and Darry is played by Jared
Logan Bye
Attention Shoppers.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about
an official big box store. Any similarity to real stores
or real people is completely coincidental.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
By okay, everybody, wain't a s ads, Come on in
here to eat, break room, do the morning announcement where
we go open the store. Corporate wanted me to remind you,
guys that when you answer the phone here at the store,
you can't just say hello, Okay, You've got to answer
the phone, thank you for calling. Buy well where the
(00:36):
prices are low and the services swell buy everything, by well,
how can I help you?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I know that's a lot, that's a mouthful, but we are.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Contractually obligated to say the whole thing every single time
we answer the phone. You can't say what you've been saying,
because like Victor the other day, I think you answered
go for Victor. Yeah, And Liz, you can't answer the
phone what.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
You can't just say what?
Speaker 4 (01:01):
Go what?
Speaker 5 (01:02):
And then they just tell me what they want.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yet Liz, don't don't don't answer the phone what? All right?
We're not We're not doing that, lewis nothing.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
We don't say everything.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
By all right?
Speaker 3 (01:21):
The thing I wanted to talk to you guys about
the most today. The most important thing is that I
heard a by Well super secret store snooper is going
to be in the store today.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
This is a person who evaluates the store and reports
back to corporate. They're looking for excellent customer service, excellent
customer rapport.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
They're looking for.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Neat and tidy shelves and work areas. They're looking for
efficiency and service. All right, and anyone in the store
could be the BSSSS anyone interesting.
Speaker 4 (01:58):
Seems to me as though we've got some interoffice espionage
on our hands.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
It is a little bit of espionage. Victor.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
That is. Yes, today, I need you all to watch
out and make sure that you're on your best behavior. So, Liz,
that means do not talk to the customers about abortion rights. Okay,
just don't bring it up. And that's a rule for
every day, Liz, not just today.
Speaker 5 (02:20):
Jerry, I know you're not infringing on my free speech
right now because Bywell is not ready for the lawsuit
I'm gonna bring.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
How come every time we have a morning meeting, someone
threatens a lawsuit. Every morning.
Speaker 6 (02:31):
It's the only thing Corporate America respects.
Speaker 5 (02:34):
Working at one of these stores is like playing the lottery.
We're just hoping one day something's going to happen. We
can sue you guys for us. We can stop working
here and live a semblance of a normal life.
Speaker 7 (02:45):
I know, I tried to zoom when I slipped on
all of that spaghetti sauce, but then they said I
couldn't win because I bought the sauce from home.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
I was so close, Shilah, I want you to stop
dragging that recliner over from furniture so you can sit
while you ring people up the check out.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Stop doing that.
Speaker 7 (03:01):
Okay, Wow, are you trying to make a pregnant woman
stand Jerry?
Speaker 8 (03:04):
That's messed up.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
You know what, Shla, I'm not gonna believe you this time,
because this is like the fifth time you have pretended
to be pregnant.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
You keep crying wolf about being pregnant. You're pregnant, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
You pretended you were pregnant last week just so I
would let you wear your uniform untucked. Okay, that is
a very trivial reason. So we can't have any shenanigans today.
There can be no high jinks, which is why I
don't want to see anything like Victor and Robert when
you were having the fight with the nail guns from hardware.
Speaker 6 (03:38):
Come on, man, we did that one time. That was
one time.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
Yeah, hardly enough to come down on us like that.
And oh and thank you once again Robert for driving
me to the er.
Speaker 6 (03:49):
Oh man, no problem, you healed up goods. Oh you
can't even tell the nails still in there. That's right now.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
The doctor said, it's a miracle that I survived. It's
sort of a Phineas Gauge situation. Hear about that fellow
had a railroad spike driven through his head and he
survived for years afterwards. Apparently I'm a medical marvel.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Okay, so that's it.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Okay, everybody on their best behavior, keep your area neat
and tidy, and ask the customers what you can do
to help them.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Because the Bywell Super Secret store snooper could.
Speaker 4 (04:18):
Be anyone, that's right, even one of us. By Well.
Speaker 5 (04:27):
Thanks everybody for not showing up to the final Bywell
softball game of the year. We lost again, in case
any of you care, sorry or what sorry whatever. If
we had won, I guess Jerry might have tried to
kiss me like that Rubialis guy at the World Cup.
Speaker 8 (04:43):
This guy is such an idiot.
Speaker 7 (04:45):
Everyone knows when you sexually hear us, so when you
wait until there are no TV cameras filming it.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
Hey man, this dude wasn't just kissing people. He was
grabbing his balls in the stands and everything else. Like
I don't know what kind of commissioner he is, but.
Speaker 5 (04:58):
This guy just became the Harvey Weinstein of soccer, and
he's about to learn all about the Yotambian movement.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
I mean in a perverse way. You got to credit
this man's courage. He tried this with a group of
women who are known for kicking balls as hard as
they can. It's a miracle he walked out of there.
Speaker 7 (05:13):
We had a coach that would actually kiss the players
in high school. I mean, it's passed up, but Coach
Garry was my first kiss. And you can say it
was inappropriate, but we want to state yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:23):
I mean it's completely inappropriate. No one kisses anyone after
they win at a Magic the Gathering tournament.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
You know you messed up when FIFA's mad at you.
I mean, they'll play in countries with a string of
human rights violations. This guy's officially worse than Saudi Arabia.
Speaker 6 (05:39):
EA. Sports has got to put this in the next FIFA.
In FIFA twenty four, they gotta have Horny commission a
mode where Spanish guy runs around trying to kiss you
until the time runs out. It's got to be some
type of bonus.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
Yeah, they should make more video games hornier. Just think
of what those Tetris tiles get up to.
Speaker 5 (06:00):
I'm trying to book a flight to my cousin's wedding
in North Carolina and the rates are through the roof.
Didn't realize you had to be the ruling class to
fly southwest.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
Now, Yeah, there have been a lot of plane crashes
lately too.
Speaker 5 (06:14):
Oh thanks for bringing that up, Victor, very helpful, thank you.
Speaker 6 (06:17):
Yeah, No, he's right. They're saying the plane that they've
got progosion was somehow sabotaged by Putin, and that's why
I crashed. If you just led a mutiny against Putin,
why the hell are you getting on a plane. Putin
doesn't let shit go, He doesn't forget shit. He's still
mad at Ukraine for declaring independence and that happened in
ninety one. That's like still being mad at mc hammer.
You got to let that Taco bell commercial go.
Speaker 8 (06:39):
Russians do hold grudges. It's true.
Speaker 7 (06:41):
I broke up with this Russian dja in like twenty fifteen,
and he still won't give me his new Netflix password.
Speaker 8 (06:46):
It's like, oh my god, get over it, move on, obsessed.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Well, I don't know about your little boyfriend, Shilah, but
Putin's entire personality screams small penis syndrome. Some woman in
his past shot him down. Now he's shooting planes down.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Listen.
Speaker 5 (07:00):
Putin is a thug. Remember when Trump said he could
shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and he
wouldn't lose any voters. Putin's actually doing that next week.
Speaker 4 (07:08):
Oh now, everybody thinks there's a conspiracy. But when I
said that Elon Musk is secretly using the SpaceX program
to launch weather satellites to control global climate change, everyone
thinks I'm crazy.
Speaker 6 (07:19):
The man Putin kills six Russians in one minute. That's
some John Wick type shit who killed this man's dog. Yeah, like,
just give him that guy. It's a very interesting situation.
I mean, Progotion was Putin's chef and has become his
most feared killer. I think it's well past time for
NATO to arm one of our greatest shifts. Gordon Ramsay, Yeah,
(07:41):
just telling Putin is like under cooking a Yorkshire pudding
and get the body bags ready. We need to weaponize
that rage. I think there should be a whole chef's initiative.
We got to get Bobby Flay in there as well.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Is this like your weird Homeland Food Network fan fiction
that you're working on, Victor.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
If you want to see it, I can email you
a copy.
Speaker 6 (08:00):
My mayor from Flavortown, Gaffieri, them outfits he wears.
Speaker 4 (08:04):
Picture it. You're there in your Eastern European stronghold. Suddenly
from behind you, the smell of donkey sauce and hot
wings emerging from the shadows comes the Lord of Flavortown,
and Gaffietti comes and groats you. Your body is found
weeks later with a buffalo chicken sandwich protruding from your mouth.
Speaker 5 (08:24):
Victor, you're too close. Step back, You're standing too close
to me.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
To me, it just feels nice having everybody thinking this way.
It's like, now everybody thinks there's a conspiracy. I don't
feel so alone.
Speaker 5 (08:43):
Oh God, Victor, it smells so strongly of bleaching. Here.
We're supposed to eat lunch in a year, not feel
like we're being gassed to death.
Speaker 4 (08:53):
What the look, dude, There's a mystery wet spot over
here by the refrigerator. Every time I mop it up,
it just returns. I've tried everything. No matter how I
clean it, it always returns. Whether I use bleach or ammonia,
it always comes back. I'm losing sleep over this, y'all.
This wet spot haunts me in my dreams.
Speaker 8 (09:14):
I don't know. I love the smell of bleach.
Speaker 7 (09:16):
It reminds me of the time me and my friend
Cassie went to get our buttthole done.
Speaker 8 (09:20):
It was so much fun.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Now, what has done mean in this particular instance?
Speaker 7 (09:25):
Think about if you'r aboto had to go to a
formal dinner and you wanted it to look like super
and Ice.
Speaker 6 (09:29):
Now it's not the time to be talking about brown
eye black Jays, because I've figured out who the snitch is.
It's the guy who came in the hardware asking all
the suspicious questions like why did the light bulb should
I use in my main living room? I told him
nobody would know that the only person that would know
that is a nark. And if you a nark, you
need to tell me what why dish does he need?
I don't even know how good his eyes are. That
(09:50):
all depends on your personal preference. I started to rip
his mustache, y'all, but I couldn't quite reach him. Nobody
has the big magnum pi mustaches. No more did give away?
Speaker 4 (10:01):
I don't know.
Speaker 7 (10:02):
I think it's that suspicious looking guy in that big
brown raincoat.
Speaker 8 (10:05):
He looks so familiar.
Speaker 5 (10:07):
Yeah, Shilah, that's the guy who keeps flashing us in
the store.
Speaker 8 (10:11):
Remember, Oh my god, I love that guy. His junk
is so small.
Speaker 7 (10:16):
It's like so cute and adorable, like a little teeny
tiny weaning.
Speaker 8 (10:20):
It's so cute, totally, Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (10:23):
Remember how hard we laughed last time I got a cramp?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I got a cramp.
Speaker 5 (10:27):
It honestly brightens my day when I see him come in.
I'm like, show me the goods I could. Mama could
use a laugh. You know.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Well, I don't know about you, but I think it's
the guy with the beard out front of the store.
You know, the one who's always ranting and screaming about
the rapture to anyone who will listen.
Speaker 5 (10:42):
Victory, that's Sam. He's been out there since this place
used to be a car wash. It's impossible for him
to be the super Secret Store Snooper exactly.
Speaker 4 (10:50):
That's why no one would ever suspect him deep cover,
although of course it could be one of us.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Okay, y'all know, I've been thinking about it, and I
think that the super Secret Store Snooper could actually be
one of us.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
So if it's one of y'all, you get.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
You have to tell me, Okay, Jerry, get a grip.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (11:11):
This feels like a sociological experiment. I bet there isn't
even a super Secret Store shop wher. They're trying to
see how you crack under pressure.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Oh, very interesting, Liz, it's probably.
Speaker 6 (11:20):
You, You the snoopiest. If one of us had to
be a snooper, I would say, you, you snoop.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Don't you think I'm too obvious of a choice? Then
don't you think I'm too obvious?
Speaker 5 (11:30):
They could just bring me in and I could just
report everything I know about all of you.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Shilah, you're being awful quiet over there. Does that lead
me to believe it might be you? Right, hanging back,
not saying anything.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Now, it's not me.
Speaker 7 (11:42):
I'm really bad at keeping secrets. Like that warp cream
we found in the break room was Jerry's.
Speaker 8 (11:46):
Oops.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
See give me that, hand me that. That's my warp cream.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Yeah, you have your own office, so it's weird that
your warp cream would be in the breakroom.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
I was.
Speaker 4 (11:57):
I find that all over the store.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Give me that warp cream.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Listen, medication for chronic warp flare ups is not a
laughing matter.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Let's work together.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Let's go out there and give those customers the best
service experience they've ever had.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Go team. Is anybody gonna put their hand on my hand?
Because that it's kind of a thing.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
After that warp talk, I'm good bye, Shila. Are you
looking at that video you took at the aerostur again?
You can't even see Taylor Swift. She's just like a
little aunt in the horizon.
Speaker 7 (12:35):
Somebody's jelly And yeah, I am because I just admire
her so much.
Speaker 8 (12:41):
She has all that money and then she left her manager.
But mostly she has so.
Speaker 5 (12:45):
Much money, Shila, this is what happens when you get
all your news from TikTok. She didn't leave her manager.
Scooter Braun is a manager who took all of Taylor's
masters when he bought her old record label and never
gave her the option to buy them, which made her
and the Swifties very upset, but ultimately ended up with
Taylor earning millions of dollars by re recording all the songs.
And at the moment, actually a lot of people are
(13:07):
ditching Scooter Braun who he actually did manage, such as
Ariana Grande, Justin Bieber, a Dina Manzelle. They're all hitting
the road and I can see why no one should
give any authority to a man who calls himself Scooter
that has kicked out of college for a hazing scandal
written all over it.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
Wow, Liz, for a diehard Natalie Merchant fan, you sure
know your Billboard Top ten Listen.
Speaker 5 (13:30):
I'm never going to pass up an opportunity to eviscerate
a man who's trying to steal money from a woman.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Amen to that. I wasn't personally familiar with Scooter Braun
because none of the artists he managed play heavy metal
music based on the fantastical worlds of speculative fiction. Unless
there's a Justin Bieber song about the planet of Aracus
that I somehow missed.
Speaker 8 (13:49):
Isn't that what Yummy is about?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Well, perhaps Yummy refers to the spice milunge Lucky.
Speaker 6 (13:56):
You can just fire your manager. My uncle was a
singer back in the day in Philly and to have
a knife fight with his manager just to get his
suits back.
Speaker 4 (14:03):
Look, my mother handled my business for years. Yes, anything
to do with my business was in her hands. She
manipulated it in all kinds of ways. I finally had
to say, Hey, Mom, I'm a grown man, Let go
of my business.
Speaker 6 (14:15):
Wait a minute, is Scooter Braun White People's sugar night?
I get it now.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Now, I just want to know who he dangled out
of a window by his ankles.
Speaker 6 (14:27):
It's probably the girl that sang the song from Frozen
threatened to let her go.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
You know, the word manager just means something different in
the music business. It's like Jerry's our manager. We can't
all just leave him on mass.
Speaker 8 (14:38):
Im My God, can we fire Jerry?
Speaker 6 (14:40):
That would be so dope. I wish you could leave Jerry.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Hello, I thought I heard my name? Did were my
ears tingling? You guys talking about me?
Speaker 7 (14:49):
Yes, Jerry, we would love to fire you, but you
keep telling me that's not how it works, and you
keep showing up.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Okay, it was something hurtful.
Speaker 7 (14:56):
Again.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office alone.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Bye bye.
Speaker 8 (15:10):
Oh my god.
Speaker 7 (15:12):
Another redneck customer just asked me where I'm really from.
It's like, bitch, I'm really from Philadelphia. My mom gave
birth while tailgating at an Eagles game. Okay, I'm so
sick of this. Any people can come from anywhere. We
were just on the frickin moon.
Speaker 5 (15:26):
Oh yeah, I just read that India lands at a probe
on the south pole of the Moon.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
There might be vital.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Reserves of frozen water up there, and you know, our
environment here on Earth is completely fucked. When the water
on the Moon is now considered vital, I wonder how
much they're gonna sell that. For Fiji water's four dollars
a bottle, how much is moonwater gonna be?
Speaker 6 (15:44):
Wow? So the Moon got water before Flint d.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
Great point, Robert, speaking of Indian people in space, anyway,
we could send vivek Rumaswami up there just until twenty
twenty five. I mean, really, just shoot him right up
there or anywhere without a camera. Would be fine too.
Speaker 6 (15:58):
He laid his hail to the space. I mean, what,
we landed in nineteen sixty seven on the Moon. What else?
What they're gonna do next, India? What'd you gonna give
us color TV?
Speaker 8 (16:07):
I don't know. It takes a long time to say
goodbye to a billion people. Okay. I tried to leave
my aunt's house once that It took me a full week.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
Now I just can't stop thinking about that delicious moonwater.
Oh I want to.
Speaker 6 (16:17):
Have some of that.
Speaker 8 (16:18):
I've had moon cheese. Is that really from the moon?
Probably not.
Speaker 6 (16:22):
How many products are they eggs booring from the damn moon? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Many things come from the moon. Uh, even the moon walk.
Check it out.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Stop grabbing your crotch in the break room, Victory, Stop
robbing your crotch, Simoni.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
He's not bad, He's not bad. He's really gladden across
the floor.
Speaker 4 (16:41):
There's more than one reason I keep the floor so
slick around here. But yeah, you're you're you're not wrong.
This is a great step for India. I mean, for
the country to have developed the technology to fake a
moon landing, just like the other major world powers. I mean,
kudos to them.
Speaker 7 (16:55):
Yeah, no, if India faked a moonlight and was directing
a video. There would be at least three dance numbers
and a tiger fight. So it's the real footage.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Okay, y'all. I halloa. Wo jesus, Jerry, what an entr?
Speaker 6 (17:18):
I don't get up yet. Don't get up yet. If
you want to see him, call your personal injury attorney. Folks.
Speaker 8 (17:22):
Ah, oh my god, Jerry, can you do that again?
I wasn't recording, all right.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Get off me, get it back up back Okay, I'm okay,
I'm okay.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
This dang old wet spot just keeps coming back. And Jerry,
now that I'm actually looking at what it's done to
your shirt and trousers, creating sort of a tie die effect,
I'm starting to think that the bleach I've been using
to tidy the wet spot is creating the wet spot.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Yeah, a lot of these bottles look pretty old, Victor.
Let's change him out for some new stuff. Well, I
got the report back, and uh it is not good.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
People.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
I got specific comments on each of your performances. Right here,
it says in the evaluation a man from maintenance kept
winking at the customers.
Speaker 4 (18:10):
All right, Well, Yeah, that was me. I was thinking
that if they winked back, I know that was the
secret chopper.
Speaker 6 (18:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
People don't want the guy with them up winking at them.
Speaker 4 (18:22):
Also, my wink looks very off kilter since the nail
gun incident.
Speaker 6 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Uh, Shila, I got a note here for on the evaluation,
It says the cashier was looking at TikTok on her
phone and held up a finger for me to wait
until she watched seven different tiktoks.
Speaker 8 (18:41):
Oh my thank god. I thought I made him wait
way longer than that.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Give me your phone. I'm confiscating the phone. I'm taking
the phone. Okay, you know what. I'm gonna check if
I'm allowed to do that, and then i'm gonna come
back and I'm gonna take it, Liz.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It says that the woman who.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Manages electric I heard her tell a customer to quote
quit man explaining TVs to her.
Speaker 5 (19:06):
Okay, so they overheard me. At least I didn't say it.
Do the secret shopper. They think they can tell me
about four K and they don't even know the difference
between O led and qled.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Get out of here.
Speaker 5 (19:17):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
Finally, it says that he asked a man in hardware,
what kind of light bulb do you use in his
living room? And he got called a nark?
Speaker 6 (19:25):
God damn it. I knew it was him. I told y'all,
I told you I had him, Jerry, we had him.
I should have went with my first mind and duct
taped him to the forklift. Why then we could have
really got some answers.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Why didn't you just answer his question, Robert.
Speaker 6 (19:39):
I'm not gonna get caught talking to a snitch. You
know what does gonna look like for me?
Speaker 4 (19:43):
Besides, there's too busy tearing his mustache off.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Yeah, and we are lucky that we didn't lose points
for that. So in conclusion, we scored in the fortieth
percentile of Bywell's nationwide not good people.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
That is low. That is very low.
Speaker 6 (20:02):
That's passing.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Robert's right, it is technically passing. And we are up
from the thirty fifth percentile last year. That's a five
percent improvement, y'all.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
All right? Hell yeah, So just to celebrate, I am
buying pizza for the entire Snag right from the cheap
place out by the Highway, oh.
Speaker 9 (20:27):
By employees only. Is produced by Imagine Audio and pretty
fast for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Fernara.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
The associate producer is Wesley Hayes.
Speaker 9 (20:38):
It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, Carra Welker,
Nathan Kloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing
by j Palizi, Casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed
by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara kling Rich
is played by Kurt Brunneller, Victor is played by Ross Bryant.
(21:01):
Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by
James Adomian. Nia is played by Keisha Zohler, Shilah is
played by Suba Argowall, and Darry is played by Jared
Logan Bye
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