April 17, 2024 • 42 mins
Family Therapy is a podcast that explores the power of love and care as a change agent in the therapy process. The host, Elliott Connie shares his personal journey of finding purpose in helping others overcome their pain and trauma. He introduces the concept of solution-focused brief therapy, which focuses on harnessing resources to create a more desirable future. We are introduced to the family members and their best hopes from the therapy sessions and positive conversations focused on change. We will follow the stories of these three individuals: Jay, David, and Freddie, as they navigate their relationships, rediscover themselves, and work towards healing.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
The reason why family therapy is so important is because
the more impact you can have within the system, then
the more change will happen, and the more sustainable that
change can be. So when families are all kind of
working together and they're all pulling towards the same thing,
they're all co creating the same future or the same
(00:21):
kind of future, it becomes more dynamic and more powerful.
So family therapy is an incredibly important part of the
therapy process because you just have more change happening within
the system. I'm Elia Connie, and this is family therapy.
(00:46):
I spent a lot of my youth trying to think
of how to end my life. When I came out
of that situation with a complete understanding that that pain
is a part of life, and that when you find
your purpose within your pain, it doesn't hurt anymore, and
(01:07):
that suffering is unnecessary. And I went to graduate school
so that I could learn how to help other people
learn that. And unfortunately, in graduate school, I learned about
theory and problems, and I didn't learn what I was
hoping to learn, which is like how to help people
overcome absolutely anything that happens in their lives. And it
(01:32):
lit a fire under me, Like I wanted so badly
to create healing in the world that that's the journey
that I set on, Like that was the purpose for
me going to graduate school, and that was the reason
for me becoming a psychotherapist. I genuinely want to create
healing in this world, and that's what guides all my work.
I think human beings are so remarkable and amazing and
(01:55):
there's nothing in the world more powerful than hope. But
most psychotherapy approaches are about, like you meet people and
you assess them for what's wrong with them, And that
just did not sit right with me. And right when
I was going to quit graduate school because I couldn't
imagine myself doing that for the rest of my career,
I came across this book that literally had two pages
(02:15):
about the solution focused brief therapy that's based on hope.
We literally ask our clients what they hope to achieve,
because we understand the most powerful thing in the world
is a hope for future. Doesn't really matter what your
origin story is, and I can give you thousands of
examples of people with a tragic and traumatic origin story
that ended up living some sort of profound hero story.
(02:37):
So we ask people about their hope for future, and
I got excited about that, And that's really what solution
focused brief therapy is all about harnessing the resources that
you have and using those resources to craft a more
desirable future. And I love it. Like when you listen
to these conversations that we're going to be having on
(02:57):
this podcast, you're going to hear people talk about the
future that they want to achieve, and when we talk
about their current circumstances or the past pains and traumas,
we're going to talk about the resources they have that
they could use to create a better future for themselves.
The family I've been honored to work with has been incredible.
(03:20):
It includes three family members, Jay, David, and Freddie. Jay
is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co
parenting two young boys with their former partner David while
navigating the fragments of their very recent separation. And Freddie,
Jay's father, who plays a role in her life and
her psyche. We will learn more about how their bond
(03:42):
parallels with her current relationship. Jay is a beacon of strength,
yet is stuck in the web of her own doubts
and struggles. She has been overwhelmed with life, and like
many women, she finds herself in a situation where she
has put her happiness to the side for the sake
of her children, her partner, and other people around her.
(04:02):
Jay finds herself at a crossroad. The echoes of her
own desires grow louder, urging her to reclaim the essence
of who she truly is. Yet the path ahead is
complicated and fraught with questions. What does this mean for
her relationships, her role as a parent, her career, and
her journey towards healing. In this delicate dance of self discovery,
(04:23):
Jay embarks on a quest to rediscover herself, to reclaim
her dreams, and to find happiness within. Join us as
we bear witness to her vulnerability and her unwavering resolve
to rewrite the script of her life. We spend a
little bit of time in the session getting to know
one another. And I would like you to hear that.
(04:43):
Can I just ask you a few questions, get to
know you a bit, Would that be all right?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (04:49):
And are you married?
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Now? Okay?
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Do you have a partner?
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I have a I guess you could call them a partner. Sure?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
What's his name? David, what do you think he hoped
you achieved from talking with me today? Like if I
called David right now and I said, Hey, man, I'm
talking to Jay, what do you hope she gets from this?
What do you imagine he would say?
Speaker 3 (05:14):
As far as I don't know, whatever she wants, I
don't think that he would give you a very clear answer.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
If he did. What do you what do you think
he would want for you?
Speaker 3 (05:27):
I think he just wants me to be happy with
whatever I'm going through and happy in my day to
day life.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
So how long has been together?
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Ten years?
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Any kids?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Two?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
Two boys?
Speaker 1 (05:42):
How old?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Five and one?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Five and one?
Speaker 4 (05:45):
Wow?
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Okay it's a busy ages, yes, very busy. And Jay,
what do you do for a living?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
I'm an analyst at a bank.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
What does an analyst and a bank do well?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
I guess the analyst that I am, I deal with
mostly high network clients and making sure that we know
who they are and we have the evidence to support
that they are who they say they are and they
made their money the way that they say they made
their money.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
What's what's a dollar amount for a high network client?
Speaker 3 (06:21):
It can range but primarily over five million dollars network.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Do you enjoy that work?
Speaker 3 (06:29):
No, but my job is important. It allows me to
have flexibility in my schedule. It allows me to pay
my bills, take care of my family. It's not the
most exciting job, but it is. It allows me to
(06:50):
be what I need to be in this time of
my life.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Wow, if you could be any job in the world,
you can have any career, you anything in the world.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
What would it be?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
I would invest more in real estate and I would
manage the properties that I invest in.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Oh and do you already do that? You said more,
so it makes me think you do it something I started.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
I have one property in Baltimore and then the house
that I live in now is a two families, so
it's sort of like an investment property.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
And do you enjoy that?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
I do. I like talking with people and I like
making money. So I would also probably have some type
of job that allows I used to do lash extensions
and I used to do hair so I enjoy helping
women feel better about themselves, so I would have that
as part of my lifestyle some capacity as well.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
And have you always been like that? Someone who enjoys
helping women feel better about themselves. Yeah, oh that's amazing. Okay,
what do you do for fun?
Speaker 3 (08:01):
I guess spend time with friends and family when I
can go out, maybe to a movie or I'll teat
but I don't really go out that much. I'm be
very honest with you. So you asked me what I
do for fun, I'm like, I don't know. Be a
parent of two small children.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, yeah, hard like a five year old and a
one year older. Not easy to find alone mom time.
No yeah, yeah, you mentioned like you like spending time
with friends. How come what is it about spending time
with friends that you value?
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It allows me to be Jay and not mom, not
an employee, not a business owner, just me.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Who is Jay?
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Who is Jane? Jay is the woman that I used
to be. I mean, I'm still her, but she doesn't
really get a lot of attention these days. But she
is someone who is very thoughtful, who likes to ask questions,
who likes to learn, who likes to be active, not
(09:06):
as active as I used to be, who likes adventure,
and who likes to try new things.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
HM. An odd question, But do you miss that Jay?
Speaker 4 (09:21):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
And if somehow she came back, would you be pleased?
I'm not sure how like life is different. You got
too littles and you know all the things. If somehow
that Jay came back, would you be pleased?
Speaker 3 (09:33):
I would I think I think I would.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Yeah, Oh my gosh, okay, And you mentioned she was active.
What kind of active was that Jay?
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Well, I used to exercise a lot. I was in
a military, so it was part of you know, my
lifestyle and the military, but also just something that I
really enjoyed. That part of my life is not really present,
and it's not really so much that I don't have
the time because I couldn't make time for it. I
just haven't consistently done so. But I like to I
(10:09):
like to be outdoors. I like to work out. I
used to do like some type of CrossFit stuff, so
I really enjoyed that, and I was kind of like
outdoor workouts when weather permit. I've thought about doing like
tough motters and things of that nature, but I haven't
(10:30):
done one. But those are the type of things that
I like.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
What brings to the military.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
I was in the Army National Guard.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Did you enjoy that.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Some components of it? Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
What did you do in the military, Well.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
My mos was military police.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
So what is MOS? I'm a civilian. I don't know
the acronym.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Sorry, yeah, it's okay. It just basically that's just whatever.
Your job is a specific occupation.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
How long did you serve?
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Seven years?
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Wow? Wow, it's amazing. As can sometimes be the case
with men, there's a tremendous societal pressure to be strong, confident,
be a provider and at different parts of his life,
David has been all of those things, as he was
a very successful athlete in college and professionally. But is
(11:34):
also the case with men, what do we do when
we struggle? What do we do when we fall down,
when we get depressed, when we start experiencing failure. There's
a tremendous amount of judgment and stigma, and it has
an impact on us. And I think this journey for
David is about how do I acknowledge that I've been
(11:58):
struggling and reclaim my confidence and my strength so I
can get back to being the version of myself that
I would like to be. I think I think that's
what this journey is about for David, and I think
a lot of men can resonate with that, because what
do we do when we're struggling. David is going to
(12:19):
show you a window into what to do when we're
struggling and how to reclaim that best part of yourself. David,
Can I spend a few minutes just kind of getting
to know you a bit?
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (12:35):
So you said you're a former athlete, what's for it?
Speaker 2 (12:37):
M I played football, played football.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Okay, high school, college more than that.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
So yes, I played high school for the first time
ever playing organized football. Was high school, did very very well,
earned a full scholarship, while I chose my college, and
I played at the Ohio State University, won the national championship. Wow,
(13:08):
wind up, wind up playing for a few NFL teams,
played overseas, hurt my shoulder, multiple operations on my left shoulder,
and then football was over with.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah, football was over with?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
What position?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
I played? Defensive tackle? Wow?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Man, that's incredible. And to go to Ohio State and
then play in the NFL, you must have been pretty good?
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was pretty good. Very yeah,
I was pretty good.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
And you also mean to play for the Ohio State University,
you must have one You must have had one hell
of a fire lit underneath you to do that.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Absolutely, Yes, I sure did because my senior year we
went out defeated, so we was fourteen and oh, first
team in college history at that time that went fourteen
and oh and won a national championship. So yes, definitely
had a fire lit underneath me even when I started
playing professional because I was always said, you know, growing
(14:10):
up in the inner City, I had teachers. I'll never
forget this. One of my eighth grade teachers said, you're
gonna drop out by your sophomore year. You ain't gonna
do this, and you ain't gonna do that. And then
I remember my junior year running track. He was a
track coach and there was a lot of college scouts
(14:31):
there for football. They thought it was there from track,
and it was like they keep asking them about this
kid David. And I overheard him because I was doing
well in track too, and I overheard him and I
was like, yeah, and I shouldn't have did in. My
coach said why do you do that? I was like, nah,
I had to let him know, and I say, yeah,
they're here from me, remember me. Yeah, and all Americans, y'all,
(14:52):
all them coaches up there to see me go this
shot put and it's this and this is my first
year doing it, and I'm already third in the county.
Like yeah, yeah, that's what they're talking about.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
What was that like for you? To get that kind
of attention when other people were doubting you so much?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Felt good because I was seeing all my hard work
pay off. And I'm talking about hitting the weight room
all summer going into my junior year, putting on thirty
pounds of muscle playing. I moved because I love basketball,
so I played on multiple summer leagues. I just kept
myself busy, and I knew that I got to set
the right example because my little brothers is watching and
(15:29):
we only a year apart as far as like grade wise,
it was a year apart. So you know, I just
kept kept pushing, kept pushing, and a lot of responsibility
fell on me. You know, the oldest boy. I got
two oldest sisters, single family home. But this other guys's
looking around on the team and they're seeing it, and
(15:52):
I'm letting them know, like, yeah, man, I grew up
right around the corner, grew up in the projects, you know,
and I'm still able to come out of here and
get all the way to Ohio State University. But I
knew I didn't want to go to the military, like
my father said. I was like, I'm not going to
nobody's army. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
And then I was like, yo, I want to go
(16:13):
to college and he was like my father told me like,
and I'll never forget this my sophomore year because it
hurt my feelings. And my mother and sister was in
the kitchen and I'm talking to him on the phone.
He said, you ain't going to no college with no football, God,
this and this and that, and I said, I ain't
watch me. I'm gonna show you so right then and
near like to get the doubt from a teacher and
(16:35):
didn't get the doubts from your dad. And I love
my father to death rest in peace, though, but we
don't have our bumps. But when he told me that
it was over, that was it. Never looked back, never
looked back.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
What did you say? He grew up in the inner city?
What city was it?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
H Patterson, New Jersey, Pattison, New Jersey. Okay, yeah, I
grew up and then my former project they tore it down,
was Chrispurgh Columbus Projects. Grew up there then I moved
to the infamous Fourth War.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Wow, I mean, that's that's incredible, David. And right now,
what do you do for a living?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Right now, I'm in sales. I'm in furniture sales. But
I've always been in I always loved sales. I didn't
want to go into the teaching field, like the whole
side of my mother family in there, because I think
that's the competitiveness of me playing sports. I can't sit
behind a desk. I need to be moving. My personality.
(17:36):
I love talking to people. I could talk to anybody
that's it's me. So I was like, I gotta go
into sales, and my father did sales. Me and my
father got similar personalities when they come to people. No
matter where we at, we would spark a conversation with
a total stranger and we could talk for days. Yeah.
So that's why I went into sales. So right now
I do furniture. I started off one company in sales,
(18:02):
excelled at that like top guy in the company, then
went into management. Let that company went to took some
time more because I was having my son.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
How many kids.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
I have a daughter that's sixteen. She lives with her
mother in Florida and I got two boys, a five
year old and nineteen months twenty months, so something like that.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Than almost two excellent. Now, look you said something I'm
intrigued by is when you're growing up in the projects
in Patterson, New Jersey, the chances of you or anybody
ending up in a university like Ohio State athlete or
not are very very low.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Yes, what absolutely, I want you.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
To think for a moment, like what personality, trait or
what do you have inside of you that made you
one of the kinds of people that could make that leap,
you know what I mean, that could get yourself from
one environment to another. Very incredibly hard thing to do.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
It is one thing. Uh, my moms didn't play around
about us in school right to my oldest sister's very intelligent,
very smart, she's an attorney.
Speaker 4 (19:23):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
And then I just you know, I own when we
was younger, younger, we did a lot of stuff with family,
and a lot of my family, especially on my mother's side,
all in college went to HBCUs and you know, just
had us around. And I always like, oh that's cool.
Like I always was big on like the HPCU. Like
(19:43):
I was like, yo, I'm gonna go to a black college. Shit, whynot,
Like you know what I'm saying, Like, yo, I see it.
And then even my dad, like he was always honest about, Yo,
get your school work. You gotta know your math, gotta
know how to read, know your mathematics, stuff like that.
You gotta get good grades so we can get a job.
So I just always kept that in the back of
(20:05):
my mind. And then I just at some point in time,
not like saying I'm perfect and I was innocent or
anything like that, but at some point in time, like
I was like, oh, I'm go to jail. That's one two.
I don't want to be killed, right, So I just
got into sports. And then you know, a lot of
(20:26):
community around me, like family and stuffs made sure because,
like I said, my older sister smart you know, in
school college. And then you know my other sister that's
right under me, she was a smart, talented, but she
was the street one.
Speaker 5 (20:45):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
So my uncles, godfather, cousins and stuff that's made sure.
Like Yo, we told my mother like yo, we got
the boys, like you know, put them in this sport
or we're gonna take them there. Let them it's exposing
us two different things. Going to my seeing my cousins
graduate high school, and just putting us around athletes, because
(21:08):
even though we was in a project, a lot of
athletes came out of there. Some of them did go
to colleges, not big schools, but they did, but a
lot of athletes didn't. So I saw that, so I
was like, yo, it is possible. But the college bug
didn't really bite me, bite me for sports until I
got to high school.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
That's when it really like all day, you can really
take this to another level because if you want to
go to school and you don't want to work, like
your sister is a't going to college, that that's just
not I feel like y'all wouldn't be able to do that.
You gotta play sports, excel at it, got good grades,
and you can get a free ride.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
I want to tell you about the third party in
this process, which is Jay's father named Freddie. And you know,
a lot of people have made a lot of mistakes
in their life, and some of those mistakes include drug addiction, incarceration,
(22:26):
some of the trappings of inner city life, and Freddie
is certainly an example of this. But the beautiful thing
about Freddie is he's come out on the other side
and is willing to acknowledge that there are some things
he has to do to get back to the family
(22:47):
that he has hurt over the years. And I think
one of the hardest things ever, is how do you
acknowledge fault, ask for forgiveness, and behave in a way
that's more in line with who you want to be.
And that's what Freddy's going to show us as he
courageously goes about trying to reconnect with his children and
(23:08):
his grandchildren while acknowledging he's done some things that cause
hurt over the years. So I talked to you earlier
today on your job. What is it you do for
a living?
Speaker 4 (23:19):
I do mainly carpeentering construction.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Okay, where'd you learn how to do that?
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Uh? And men a partner Jersey. I worked with this
guy for like, don't know seven years. He was like,
it's like some people.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
Afraid to teach you know what I'm saying. And he
wasn't afraid to teach me.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Like, once I learned how to do this, he taught
me another step, you know what I mean. And sometimes
people will only teach you but so much, you know
what I mean, so you won't step out on your
own and do your own thing, you know what I mean.
He wasn't afraid to, you know, to teach me. Even
if that happened, you know it wasn't you know. He
(24:02):
was that type of guy.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Do you enjoy it the work you do?
Speaker 4 (24:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I do.
Speaker 4 (24:07):
I enjoyed too much today though?
Speaker 1 (24:11):
What about Have you ever tried therapy before? Is this
your first time doing therapy?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Well?
Speaker 4 (24:17):
No, not not really. I used to have sessions with
in this program. I always h I don't know. I try.
Speaker 5 (24:28):
Some people I just something I can talk to simply
about this, and some people I can talk to something
about that. I can't talk to one person about this internet, right,
I don't know that makes any sense.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
That makes perfect sense. I understand that anything else you'd
like to see in your life change as a result
of us talking, uh.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
Primarily my whole entire family.
Speaker 5 (24:50):
Like I don't really gotta like a day to day
got a relationship with my kids, like like talk to
him every day or every every week, you know, I
don't want to got to improve greatly?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Okay? How many kids you got?
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Seven?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Okay? And and you would like I heard you say
you'd like that to improve greatly? Is that right?
Speaker 4 (25:10):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Okay, what difference did it make for you if these
relationships were improve greatly?
Speaker 4 (25:18):
Mm hmm. And speaking as a.
Speaker 5 (25:23):
Human being, I would, you know, love to joy with
my family every day, you know what I mean, talking
to him grandkids.
Speaker 4 (25:34):
I think initially it's primarily my fault, you know.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
Now, I'm not perform enough initiative to call him every
day to see how they do when I travel up,
you know what I mean. And I think that's one
thing I'm really lacking, Like I let one day turn
into two days.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
If I know it was a.
Speaker 5 (25:52):
Week, now damn it's a month. God, you know that's
six months, Like oh jeez. And then when I like, dude,
call like this, every someone reluctant, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
Right, you know what I mean? So do they do
you think they know? Do you think these seven kids
know how much you want to have a relationship with them,
like a daily or weekly relationship with them?
Speaker 5 (26:27):
Quite sure they know, but I'm not making the effort
to make sure that we do have a relationship like that.
I know it's like a phone, we're both ways, but
I should have more initiative on uh, try to develop
(26:48):
relationship again, you.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
Know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (26:50):
Yeah, older to me and older to them as much
as you know as anybody else.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Okay, how would it make a difference in your life
to have this these kind of relationship with these seven kids?
How would you make a difference for you?
Speaker 5 (27:08):
I think it's ms more than having men dies, I think,
and this brings happiness in my life. So much things
seending me missing out of my life, and I think
those are the major major things that miss.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
Listen, listen.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
I asked people what their best hopes are because in
order for me to do therapy, I need to know
what their desired outcome is. That's probably the very difference
between the way that I do therapy and most traditional psychotherapists,
because most traditional psychotherapists need to know the problem, and
I don't need to know the problem. I just need
to know the hope. I need to know the hope
(27:49):
for future. And if I can understand the hope for future,
then I can start doing therapy. David, what are your
best hopes from talking with.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Me trying to figure everything out? You know, hopefully this
can help put me on a better track on what's
going on with me and Jake. You know, just trying
to get more clarity and you know, maybe put a
little fire underneath me. I think that's what I'm trying
(28:23):
to get out of this. You know, there's definitely needs
to be some changes on my end and just us
as a you know, relationship and this family things of
that nature. Very open minded, so I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Okay, how would you know you had a fire lit
underneath you, David? Like, what would be what would be
a sign to you that this led to a fire
being lit underneath you?
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Behavior changes, being more assertive with certain things, and you know,
even a little bit more disciplined on certain aspects of
my life. I think that'll let me know because it
used to be there, right, and then some somewhere down
the line, and you know, it fizzled out a little bit,
(29:14):
and I know it. I can see it sometimes and
then I have flashes of it. But I needed to
be lit and keep on going because I'm a former athlete,
so I know I know when that fire is lit.
I know when it's lit.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Yeah, all right, So if somehow talking to me lit
that fire and that the discipline and behavior changes happen,
you'd be pleased. Yes, absolutely, Jay. What are your best
hopes from talking with me?
Speaker 3 (29:45):
My best hopes I guess that I get a little
bit more clarity on the things that I want and
what I'm working towards, because come a little more clear
to me.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
How would you know you had clarity.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
Once I've defined, like a very clear strategy. I guess,
in a clear goal, what.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Difference would it make for you to have clarity about
these strategies and.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
Goals so I can know how I want to move
forward with this relationship, how I want to I guess
identify the life that I want and work towards it,
because sometimes I feel like I know, and then sometimes
(30:36):
I feel like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
In those times when you feel like you do know,
what's it like?
Speaker 3 (30:45):
It's nice, it's peaceful, it's it's like it just makes sense.
Things make sense. There's no there's no like double back,
and no doubting myself. It's just like, this is what
I'm doing and I'm going towards it, okay.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
And instead of doubting yourself what's happening? Instead in those moments.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
Confidence, confident in the choices that I'm making and making
things happen.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And are you pleased in those moments?
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (31:18):
I think so.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
So if I could help you, you know somehow as
a result of us talking you had that peace and
that clarity and that confidence, would you be pleased? Yes, yes, Freddie.
What are your best hope from talking with me?
Speaker 5 (31:34):
Well, life has love pushers and pulls them, just trying
to figure what's where you know, I long ago, you
know what I mean? Hopefully that could be self resolution
with a few issues that I.
Speaker 6 (31:43):
Have, moving that you give me some more pointers on
how to be go directly at the issue and follow
up on, you know, do what I say I'm gonna
do when I say I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
That's if I gave pointers that you could follow up
on and do do these things, you'd be.
Speaker 5 (31:59):
Pleased and a somewhat yeah, she would. I'm just saying
I'm having a real issue with my son though, like uh,
we're going we.
Speaker 4 (32:08):
Had each other's throats like he's like thirty five.
Speaker 5 (32:13):
I think it's a psychites mostly like.
Speaker 4 (32:15):
Trying childhood trauma. Maybe.
Speaker 5 (32:18):
I think that's one of the issues that's happening with
him too. I guess I'm having some traumas too because
I guess, like, because he was fourteen years years old when.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
I left, When you left, where'd you go?
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I'm moving to Florida?
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Okay? How long were you gone?
Speaker 4 (32:37):
Oh like ten years?
Speaker 1 (32:38):
About ten years he was fourteen and he was twenty
four when you when you came back. Did you see
him at all in the ten years between?
Speaker 4 (32:50):
No?
Speaker 1 (32:50):
No? Okay. Did you reconnect with him when he was
twenty four when he came back?
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Okay, how'd that go?
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Went?
Speaker 4 (32:58):
So?
Speaker 5 (32:59):
So a little resentment, then it was a little happiness,
and then it was a little resentment.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Okay. What would you like to see happens to your
relationship with your son? Like, if if I could do
a really really good job and make a difference in
your relationship with your son, what difference would you like
to see happen.
Speaker 5 (33:17):
I just hope that we could get be friends again,
be the father and son again, and just be have
a relationship again.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Period.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Okay, So, Freddie, if I could help you and your
son have a relationship again, that's kind of like father
starting friendly again, you'd be pleased, it's indeed. Okay, what else, Freddy?
What else can I help you with?
Speaker 4 (33:38):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (33:38):
I guess all the goals that I try to achieve
my life. Uh, you know, for one minute they saw
they I reached them, and then there's another setback. Then
I working again for somebody that's got working the day.
Speaker 4 (33:55):
Then my back is hurt. It's so bad, man.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Can I ask you a really import in question. Sure,
and and please if I offend you, let me know,
because that's not my intention. Okay, But I get the impression,
and you didn't say this, so correct me if I'm wrong.
(34:19):
I get the impression that you don't feel like you've
done everything right as a father. Is that true?
Speaker 4 (34:25):
That's true, and I'm not offending bout it.
Speaker 5 (34:28):
I think as being a man in life, do everything
is possible for your kids as far as you know, financial, emotionally,
you know, you know, expects of dislike and I think
I felt kind of short and a.
Speaker 4 (34:43):
Lot of areas, you know. Not to say that I
was the worst father in the world. I know we
did a lot. I did a lot of things some
joyful times in our lives, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (34:57):
I have to say that, Oh, men think they fall
short in some aspects, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
But I think I just fell short and more than most.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Men in this world, and thank you for saying that.
And I guess what I want to ask you is
if you woke up tomorrow as the version of yourself
that you want to be, as the version of yourself
as a father that you want to be, how would
(35:31):
your kids know it?
Speaker 4 (35:34):
I guess by.
Speaker 5 (35:38):
Me showing the more, being more attentive in their life,
you know what I mean, being a part of the.
Speaker 4 (35:46):
Activities, Uh, in a way where you know, like you
was just there, you know what I mean. Sometime you's
got to be this just did. I can't really say
I'm a part of his life, you know, like like
let me you say you know me? Right, Okay? If
you know me, then uh, I would you would know.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
My daily functions in the day, the events that I
got your planning, you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (36:16):
And what's you know even to like the favor that
were favorite serial? You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (36:22):
Things like that I don't know, you know what I mean,
Like and I think that's probably be the top of
my list, you know what I mean? Like this like
they say to say I know you know just you know,
I know I know you. You know what I mean
For me to say I know you, I don't you know.
Speaker 4 (36:40):
I know you, I love you.
Speaker 5 (36:42):
But and uh, but I don't really know your your
events of the day, you know.
Speaker 4 (36:48):
What I mean, or your events of yesterday. You know
what I mean, your eventsive for tomorrow. That's not I say.
You know, I know you, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Would you like to know your children in that way?
Speaker 4 (37:00):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (37:01):
What's the first thing if you walk to tomorrow man,
as as as the best version of you as a father.
What's the first thing you would do to join their
lives in that way? How would you do it?
Speaker 4 (37:14):
Well? Just by doing things with them today? It ain't
nothing but going to the to.
Speaker 5 (37:21):
The fish balk against a fist, half dinner, you know
what I mean, or going to a show or event, or.
Speaker 4 (37:31):
Just spend the uh that he called quality time?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Uh, Freddie, when was the last time you spent quality
time like going to a dinner or an event? When
was the last thing you spent that kind of time
was one of the kids?
Speaker 4 (37:46):
Jeez, I really gotta think about that, you know what
I mean, Because it's been a minute.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Hey, how do you think they'd respond to you trying
to join their lives like this? How do you think
they'd respond.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
I think they'd be kind of uh acceptable to it,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Do you think they wouldn't be acceptable to it?
Speaker 4 (38:12):
I think so?
Speaker 1 (38:16):
What would they say?
Speaker 5 (38:17):
That's that's the whole the limit. Actually, you know what
I'm saying. Because what planning something and something else will
make it won't.
Speaker 4 (38:26):
Make it happen mainly with me. It could be it
could be.
Speaker 5 (38:30):
Uh emergency or a lack of fundings or uh not
having the transportation, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (38:41):
Does it seems something.
Speaker 5 (38:43):
Always for like in the midst of it all, you know,
like to eventing from happening. I mean, sometimes like damn
to myself, like well, force is always working against me,
you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (38:56):
Oh, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (38:57):
You know.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
It must be hard, reddy man. It can be to
feel like, you know, all these forces are against you.
That must be difficult, man.
Speaker 5 (39:11):
Sometimes sometimes it appears to be yeah, and then I'll
be like I got you know, a nice big bouty
for home, nice big boude for a woman, you know,
like they what you will call one of the American dreams,
you know, white pick of fence, you know all that.
You know, a dog, you know, But I feel love
(39:33):
in my house, but it's it's as that's in me,
as you know, got a shadow over everything.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
I hope, more than anything else, what people get and
the value people will get from listening to this podcast
is inspiration and witnessing the power of love and care
and being a psychotherapist for nearly twenty years, Love and
care are a part of every single change process, either
learning to love yourself, learning to love your partner, learning
(40:06):
to love the people around you, learning to accept love
from the people around you like It's an incredibly important
part of the change process. It's literally what motivates us
to do things differently every single day. Like when people
have addiction, they get clean because of someone that they
love and care about. When people want to get a
new job, it's because they've learned to love themselves and
(40:27):
value themselves. So I want people to witness the power
of love as people discover how to love themselves and
the people around them, and how to receive love. I
also want people to experience inspiration because when we are
going through hard times, we have a tendency to think
we're the only ones going through those hard times, and
(40:48):
we have a tendency to think our lives like the
thing that's challenging us is insurmountable. But when you can
sit and bear witness to people overcoming challenges in their
lives and you can see how they're doing it and
what it's leading to, it inspires you to hang on
just a little bit more in your life. And for me,
that's that makes this one of the most valuable podcasts
(41:08):
you can ever listen to, because we highlight the power
of love and inspire people to do and be better
in their lives. I would love to hear from you
about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback, Leave
a review, send a DM, connect with me on socials
at Elliott' Speaks, and you can also send me a
text message to nine seven two four two six two
(41:28):
six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio
and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks to our
assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack Queise Thomas and
the executive producer, Dolly Bishop. The content presented on the
Family Therapy podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes.
It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical
(41:51):
or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider
patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your health
care provider or health team for any specific concerns or
questions you may have.
The reason why family therapy is so important is because
the more impact you can have within the system, then
the more change will happen, and the more sustainable that
change can be. So when families are all kind of
working together and they're all pulling towards the same thing,
they're all co creating the same future or the same
(00:21):
kind of future, it becomes more dynamic and more powerful.
So family therapy is an incredibly important part of the
therapy process because you just have more change happening within
the system. I'm Elia Connie, and this is family therapy.
(00:46):
I spent a lot of my youth trying to think
of how to end my life. When I came out
of that situation with a complete understanding that that pain
is a part of life, and that when you find
your purpose within your pain, it doesn't hurt anymore, and
(01:07):
that suffering is unnecessary. And I went to graduate school
so that I could learn how to help other people
learn that. And unfortunately, in graduate school, I learned about
theory and problems, and I didn't learn what I was
hoping to learn, which is like how to help people
overcome absolutely anything that happens in their lives. And it
(01:32):
lit a fire under me, Like I wanted so badly
to create healing in the world that that's the journey
that I set on, Like that was the purpose for
me going to graduate school, and that was the reason
for me becoming a psychotherapist. I genuinely want to create
healing in this world, and that's what guides all my work.
I think human beings are so remarkable and amazing and
(01:55):
there's nothing in the world more powerful than hope. But
most psychotherapy approaches are about, like you meet people and
you assess them for what's wrong with them, And that
just did not sit right with me. And right when
I was going to quit graduate school because I couldn't
imagine myself doing that for the rest of my career,
I came across this book that literally had two pages
(02:15):
about the solution focused brief therapy that's based on hope.
We literally ask our clients what they hope to achieve,
because we understand the most powerful thing in the world
is a hope for future. Doesn't really matter what your
origin story is, and I can give you thousands of
examples of people with a tragic and traumatic origin story
that ended up living some sort of profound hero story.
(02:37):
So we ask people about their hope for future, and
I got excited about that, And that's really what solution
focused brief therapy is all about harnessing the resources that
you have and using those resources to craft a more
desirable future. And I love it. Like when you listen
to these conversations that we're going to be having on
(02:57):
this podcast, you're going to hear people talk about the
future that they want to achieve, and when we talk
about their current circumstances or the past pains and traumas,
we're going to talk about the resources they have that
they could use to create a better future for themselves.
The family I've been honored to work with has been incredible.
(03:20):
It includes three family members, Jay, David, and Freddie. Jay
is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co
parenting two young boys with their former partner David while
navigating the fragments of their very recent separation. And Freddie,
Jay's father, who plays a role in her life and
her psyche. We will learn more about how their bond
(03:42):
parallels with her current relationship. Jay is a beacon of strength,
yet is stuck in the web of her own doubts
and struggles. She has been overwhelmed with life, and like
many women, she finds herself in a situation where she
has put her happiness to the side for the sake
of her children, her partner, and other people around her.
(04:02):
Jay finds herself at a crossroad. The echoes of her
own desires grow louder, urging her to reclaim the essence
of who she truly is. Yet the path ahead is
complicated and fraught with questions. What does this mean for
her relationships, her role as a parent, her career, and
her journey towards healing. In this delicate dance of self discovery,
(04:23):
Jay embarks on a quest to rediscover herself, to reclaim
her dreams, and to find happiness within. Join us as
we bear witness to her vulnerability and her unwavering resolve
to rewrite the script of her life. We spend a
little bit of time in the session getting to know
one another. And I would like you to hear that.
(04:43):
Can I just ask you a few questions, get to
know you a bit, Would that be all right?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (04:49):
And are you married?
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Now? Okay?
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Do you have a partner?
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I have a I guess you could call them a partner. Sure?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
What's his name? David, what do you think he hoped
you achieved from talking with me today? Like if I
called David right now and I said, Hey, man, I'm
talking to Jay, what do you hope she gets from this?
What do you imagine he would say?
Speaker 3 (05:14):
As far as I don't know, whatever she wants, I
don't think that he would give you a very clear answer.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
If he did. What do you what do you think
he would want for you?
Speaker 3 (05:27):
I think he just wants me to be happy with
whatever I'm going through and happy in my day to
day life.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
So how long has been together?
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Ten years?
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Any kids?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Two?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
Two boys?
Speaker 1 (05:42):
How old?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Five and one?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Five and one?
Speaker 4 (05:45):
Wow?
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Okay it's a busy ages, yes, very busy. And Jay,
what do you do for a living?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
I'm an analyst at a bank.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
What does an analyst and a bank do well?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
I guess the analyst that I am, I deal with
mostly high network clients and making sure that we know
who they are and we have the evidence to support
that they are who they say they are and they
made their money the way that they say they made
their money.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
What's what's a dollar amount for a high network client?
Speaker 3 (06:21):
It can range but primarily over five million dollars network.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Do you enjoy that work?
Speaker 3 (06:29):
No, but my job is important. It allows me to
have flexibility in my schedule. It allows me to pay
my bills, take care of my family. It's not the
most exciting job, but it is. It allows me to
(06:50):
be what I need to be in this time of
my life.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Wow, if you could be any job in the world,
you can have any career, you anything in the world.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
What would it be?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
I would invest more in real estate and I would
manage the properties that I invest in.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Oh and do you already do that? You said more,
so it makes me think you do it something I started.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
I have one property in Baltimore and then the house
that I live in now is a two families, so
it's sort of like an investment property.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
And do you enjoy that?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
I do. I like talking with people and I like
making money. So I would also probably have some type
of job that allows I used to do lash extensions
and I used to do hair so I enjoy helping
women feel better about themselves, so I would have that
as part of my lifestyle some capacity as well.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
And have you always been like that? Someone who enjoys
helping women feel better about themselves. Yeah, oh that's amazing. Okay,
what do you do for fun?
Speaker 3 (08:01):
I guess spend time with friends and family when I
can go out, maybe to a movie or I'll teat
but I don't really go out that much. I'm be
very honest with you. So you asked me what I
do for fun, I'm like, I don't know. Be a
parent of two small children.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, yeah, hard like a five year old and a
one year older. Not easy to find alone mom time.
No yeah, yeah, you mentioned like you like spending time
with friends. How come what is it about spending time
with friends that you value?
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It allows me to be Jay and not mom, not
an employee, not a business owner, just me.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Who is Jay?
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Who is Jane? Jay is the woman that I used
to be. I mean, I'm still her, but she doesn't
really get a lot of attention these days. But she
is someone who is very thoughtful, who likes to ask questions,
who likes to learn, who likes to be active, not
(09:06):
as active as I used to be, who likes adventure,
and who likes to try new things.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
HM. An odd question, But do you miss that Jay?
Speaker 4 (09:21):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
And if somehow she came back, would you be pleased?
I'm not sure how like life is different. You got
too littles and you know all the things. If somehow
that Jay came back, would you be pleased?
Speaker 3 (09:33):
I would I think I think I would.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Yeah, Oh my gosh, okay, And you mentioned she was active.
What kind of active was that Jay?
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Well, I used to exercise a lot. I was in
a military, so it was part of you know, my
lifestyle and the military, but also just something that I
really enjoyed. That part of my life is not really present,
and it's not really so much that I don't have
the time because I couldn't make time for it. I
just haven't consistently done so. But I like to I
(10:09):
like to be outdoors. I like to work out. I
used to do like some type of CrossFit stuff, so
I really enjoyed that, and I was kind of like
outdoor workouts when weather permit. I've thought about doing like
tough motters and things of that nature, but I haven't
(10:30):
done one. But those are the type of things that
I like.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
What brings to the military.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
I was in the Army National Guard.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Did you enjoy that.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Some components of it? Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
What did you do in the military, Well.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
My mos was military police.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
So what is MOS? I'm a civilian. I don't know
the acronym.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Sorry, yeah, it's okay. It just basically that's just whatever.
Your job is a specific occupation.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
How long did you serve?
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Seven years?
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Wow? Wow, it's amazing. As can sometimes be the case
with men, there's a tremendous societal pressure to be strong, confident,
be a provider and at different parts of his life,
David has been all of those things, as he was
a very successful athlete in college and professionally. But is
(11:34):
also the case with men, what do we do when
we struggle? What do we do when we fall down,
when we get depressed, when we start experiencing failure. There's
a tremendous amount of judgment and stigma, and it has
an impact on us. And I think this journey for
David is about how do I acknowledge that I've been
(11:58):
struggling and reclaim my confidence and my strength so I
can get back to being the version of myself that
I would like to be. I think I think that's
what this journey is about for David, and I think
a lot of men can resonate with that, because what
do we do when we're struggling. David is going to
(12:19):
show you a window into what to do when we're
struggling and how to reclaim that best part of yourself. David,
Can I spend a few minutes just kind of getting
to know you a bit?
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (12:35):
So you said you're a former athlete, what's for it?
Speaker 2 (12:37):
M I played football, played football.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Okay, high school, college more than that.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
So yes, I played high school for the first time
ever playing organized football. Was high school, did very very well,
earned a full scholarship, while I chose my college, and
I played at the Ohio State University, won the national championship. Wow,
(13:08):
wind up, wind up playing for a few NFL teams,
played overseas, hurt my shoulder, multiple operations on my left shoulder,
and then football was over with.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah, football was over with?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
What position?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
I played? Defensive tackle? Wow?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Man, that's incredible. And to go to Ohio State and
then play in the NFL, you must have been pretty good?
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was pretty good. Very yeah,
I was pretty good.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
And you also mean to play for the Ohio State University,
you must have one You must have had one hell
of a fire lit underneath you to do that.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Absolutely, Yes, I sure did because my senior year we
went out defeated, so we was fourteen and oh, first
team in college history at that time that went fourteen
and oh and won a national championship. So yes, definitely
had a fire lit underneath me even when I started
playing professional because I was always said, you know, growing
(14:10):
up in the inner City, I had teachers. I'll never
forget this. One of my eighth grade teachers said, you're
gonna drop out by your sophomore year. You ain't gonna
do this, and you ain't gonna do that. And then
I remember my junior year running track. He was a
track coach and there was a lot of college scouts
(14:31):
there for football. They thought it was there from track,
and it was like they keep asking them about this
kid David. And I overheard him because I was doing
well in track too, and I overheard him and I
was like, yeah, and I shouldn't have did in. My
coach said why do you do that? I was like, nah,
I had to let him know, and I say, yeah,
they're here from me, remember me. Yeah, and all Americans, y'all,
(14:52):
all them coaches up there to see me go this
shot put and it's this and this is my first
year doing it, and I'm already third in the county.
Like yeah, yeah, that's what they're talking about.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
What was that like for you? To get that kind
of attention when other people were doubting you so much?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Felt good because I was seeing all my hard work
pay off. And I'm talking about hitting the weight room
all summer going into my junior year, putting on thirty
pounds of muscle playing. I moved because I love basketball,
so I played on multiple summer leagues. I just kept
myself busy, and I knew that I got to set
the right example because my little brothers is watching and
(15:29):
we only a year apart as far as like grade wise,
it was a year apart. So you know, I just
kept kept pushing, kept pushing, and a lot of responsibility
fell on me. You know, the oldest boy. I got
two oldest sisters, single family home. But this other guys's
looking around on the team and they're seeing it, and
(15:52):
I'm letting them know, like, yeah, man, I grew up
right around the corner, grew up in the projects, you know,
and I'm still able to come out of here and
get all the way to Ohio State University. But I
knew I didn't want to go to the military, like
my father said. I was like, I'm not going to
nobody's army. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
And then I was like, yo, I want to go
(16:13):
to college and he was like my father told me like,
and I'll never forget this my sophomore year because it
hurt my feelings. And my mother and sister was in
the kitchen and I'm talking to him on the phone.
He said, you ain't going to no college with no football, God,
this and this and that, and I said, I ain't
watch me. I'm gonna show you so right then and
near like to get the doubt from a teacher and
(16:35):
didn't get the doubts from your dad. And I love
my father to death rest in peace, though, but we
don't have our bumps. But when he told me that
it was over, that was it. Never looked back, never
looked back.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
What did you say? He grew up in the inner city?
What city was it?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
H Patterson, New Jersey, Pattison, New Jersey. Okay, yeah, I
grew up and then my former project they tore it down,
was Chrispurgh Columbus Projects. Grew up there then I moved
to the infamous Fourth War.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Wow, I mean, that's that's incredible, David. And right now,
what do you do for a living?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Right now, I'm in sales. I'm in furniture sales. But
I've always been in I always loved sales. I didn't
want to go into the teaching field, like the whole
side of my mother family in there, because I think
that's the competitiveness of me playing sports. I can't sit
behind a desk. I need to be moving. My personality.
(17:36):
I love talking to people. I could talk to anybody
that's it's me. So I was like, I gotta go
into sales, and my father did sales. Me and my
father got similar personalities when they come to people. No
matter where we at, we would spark a conversation with
a total stranger and we could talk for days. Yeah.
So that's why I went into sales. So right now
I do furniture. I started off one company in sales,
(18:02):
excelled at that like top guy in the company, then
went into management. Let that company went to took some
time more because I was having my son.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
How many kids.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
I have a daughter that's sixteen. She lives with her
mother in Florida and I got two boys, a five
year old and nineteen months twenty months, so something like that.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Than almost two excellent. Now, look you said something I'm
intrigued by is when you're growing up in the projects
in Patterson, New Jersey, the chances of you or anybody
ending up in a university like Ohio State athlete or
not are very very low.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Yes, what absolutely, I want you.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
To think for a moment, like what personality, trait or
what do you have inside of you that made you
one of the kinds of people that could make that leap,
you know what I mean, that could get yourself from
one environment to another. Very incredibly hard thing to do.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
It is one thing. Uh, my moms didn't play around
about us in school right to my oldest sister's very intelligent,
very smart, she's an attorney.
Speaker 4 (19:23):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
And then I just you know, I own when we
was younger, younger, we did a lot of stuff with family,
and a lot of my family, especially on my mother's side,
all in college went to HBCUs and you know, just
had us around. And I always like, oh that's cool.
Like I always was big on like the HPCU. Like
(19:43):
I was like, yo, I'm gonna go to a black college. Shit, whynot,
Like you know what I'm saying, Like, yo, I see it.
And then even my dad, like he was always honest about, Yo,
get your school work. You gotta know your math, gotta
know how to read, know your mathematics, stuff like that.
You gotta get good grades so we can get a job.
So I just always kept that in the back of
(20:05):
my mind. And then I just at some point in time,
not like saying I'm perfect and I was innocent or
anything like that, but at some point in time, like
I was like, oh, I'm go to jail. That's one two.
I don't want to be killed, right, So I just
got into sports. And then you know, a lot of
(20:26):
community around me, like family and stuffs made sure because,
like I said, my older sister smart you know, in
school college. And then you know my other sister that's
right under me, she was a smart, talented, but she
was the street one.
Speaker 5 (20:45):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
So my uncles, godfather, cousins and stuff that's made sure.
Like Yo, we told my mother like yo, we got
the boys, like you know, put them in this sport
or we're gonna take them there. Let them it's exposing
us two different things. Going to my seeing my cousins
graduate high school, and just putting us around athletes, because
(21:08):
even though we was in a project, a lot of
athletes came out of there. Some of them did go
to colleges, not big schools, but they did, but a
lot of athletes didn't. So I saw that, so I
was like, yo, it is possible. But the college bug
didn't really bite me, bite me for sports until I
got to high school.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
That's when it really like all day, you can really
take this to another level because if you want to
go to school and you don't want to work, like
your sister is a't going to college, that that's just
not I feel like y'all wouldn't be able to do that.
You gotta play sports, excel at it, got good grades,
and you can get a free ride.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
I want to tell you about the third party in
this process, which is Jay's father named Freddie. And you know,
a lot of people have made a lot of mistakes
in their life, and some of those mistakes include drug addiction, incarceration,
(22:26):
some of the trappings of inner city life, and Freddie
is certainly an example of this. But the beautiful thing
about Freddie is he's come out on the other side
and is willing to acknowledge that there are some things
he has to do to get back to the family
(22:47):
that he has hurt over the years. And I think
one of the hardest things ever, is how do you
acknowledge fault, ask for forgiveness, and behave in a way
that's more in line with who you want to be.
And that's what Freddy's going to show us as he
courageously goes about trying to reconnect with his children and
(23:08):
his grandchildren while acknowledging he's done some things that cause
hurt over the years. So I talked to you earlier
today on your job. What is it you do for
a living?
Speaker 4 (23:19):
I do mainly carpeentering construction.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Okay, where'd you learn how to do that?
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Uh? And men a partner Jersey. I worked with this
guy for like, don't know seven years. He was like,
it's like some people.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
Afraid to teach you know what I'm saying. And he
wasn't afraid to teach me.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Like, once I learned how to do this, he taught
me another step, you know what I mean. And sometimes
people will only teach you but so much, you know
what I mean, so you won't step out on your
own and do your own thing, you know what I mean.
He wasn't afraid to, you know, to teach me. Even
if that happened, you know it wasn't you know. He
(24:02):
was that type of guy.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Do you enjoy it the work you do?
Speaker 4 (24:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I do.
Speaker 4 (24:07):
I enjoyed too much today though?
Speaker 1 (24:11):
What about Have you ever tried therapy before? Is this
your first time doing therapy?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Well?
Speaker 4 (24:17):
No, not not really. I used to have sessions with
in this program. I always h I don't know. I try.
Speaker 5 (24:28):
Some people I just something I can talk to simply
about this, and some people I can talk to something
about that. I can't talk to one person about this internet, right,
I don't know that makes any sense.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
That makes perfect sense. I understand that anything else you'd
like to see in your life change as a result
of us talking, uh.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
Primarily my whole entire family.
Speaker 5 (24:50):
Like I don't really gotta like a day to day
got a relationship with my kids, like like talk to
him every day or every every week, you know, I
don't want to got to improve greatly?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Okay? How many kids you got?
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Seven?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Okay? And and you would like I heard you say
you'd like that to improve greatly? Is that right?
Speaker 4 (25:10):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Okay, what difference did it make for you if these
relationships were improve greatly?
Speaker 4 (25:18):
Mm hmm. And speaking as a.
Speaker 5 (25:23):
Human being, I would, you know, love to joy with
my family every day, you know what I mean, talking
to him grandkids.
Speaker 4 (25:34):
I think initially it's primarily my fault, you know.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
Now, I'm not perform enough initiative to call him every
day to see how they do when I travel up,
you know what I mean. And I think that's one
thing I'm really lacking, Like I let one day turn
into two days.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
If I know it was a.
Speaker 5 (25:52):
Week, now damn it's a month. God, you know that's
six months, Like oh jeez. And then when I like, dude,
call like this, every someone reluctant, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
Right, you know what I mean? So do they do
you think they know? Do you think these seven kids
know how much you want to have a relationship with them,
like a daily or weekly relationship with them?
Speaker 5 (26:27):
Quite sure they know, but I'm not making the effort
to make sure that we do have a relationship like that.
I know it's like a phone, we're both ways, but
I should have more initiative on uh, try to develop
(26:48):
relationship again, you.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
Know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (26:50):
Yeah, older to me and older to them as much
as you know as anybody else.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Okay, how would it make a difference in your life
to have this these kind of relationship with these seven kids?
How would you make a difference for you?
Speaker 5 (27:08):
I think it's ms more than having men dies, I think,
and this brings happiness in my life. So much things
seending me missing out of my life, and I think
those are the major major things that miss.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
Listen, listen.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
I asked people what their best hopes are because in
order for me to do therapy, I need to know
what their desired outcome is. That's probably the very difference
between the way that I do therapy and most traditional psychotherapists,
because most traditional psychotherapists need to know the problem, and
I don't need to know the problem. I just need
to know the hope. I need to know the hope
(27:49):
for future. And if I can understand the hope for future,
then I can start doing therapy. David, what are your
best hopes from talking with.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Me trying to figure everything out? You know, hopefully this
can help put me on a better track on what's
going on with me and Jake. You know, just trying
to get more clarity and you know, maybe put a
little fire underneath me. I think that's what I'm trying
(28:23):
to get out of this. You know, there's definitely needs
to be some changes on my end and just us
as a you know, relationship and this family things of
that nature. Very open minded, so I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Okay, how would you know you had a fire lit
underneath you, David? Like, what would be what would be
a sign to you that this led to a fire
being lit underneath you?
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Behavior changes, being more assertive with certain things, and you know,
even a little bit more disciplined on certain aspects of
my life. I think that'll let me know because it
used to be there, right, and then some somewhere down
the line, and you know, it fizzled out a little bit,
(29:14):
and I know it. I can see it sometimes and
then I have flashes of it. But I needed to
be lit and keep on going because I'm a former athlete,
so I know I know when that fire is lit.
I know when it's lit.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Yeah, all right, So if somehow talking to me lit
that fire and that the discipline and behavior changes happen,
you'd be pleased. Yes, absolutely, Jay. What are your best
hopes from talking with me?
Speaker 3 (29:45):
My best hopes I guess that I get a little
bit more clarity on the things that I want and
what I'm working towards, because come a little more clear
to me.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
How would you know you had clarity.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
Once I've defined, like a very clear strategy. I guess,
in a clear goal, what.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Difference would it make for you to have clarity about
these strategies and.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
Goals so I can know how I want to move
forward with this relationship, how I want to I guess
identify the life that I want and work towards it,
because sometimes I feel like I know, and then sometimes
(30:36):
I feel like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
In those times when you feel like you do know,
what's it like?
Speaker 3 (30:45):
It's nice, it's peaceful, it's it's like it just makes sense.
Things make sense. There's no there's no like double back,
and no doubting myself. It's just like, this is what
I'm doing and I'm going towards it, okay.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
And instead of doubting yourself what's happening? Instead in those moments.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
Confidence, confident in the choices that I'm making and making
things happen.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And are you pleased in those moments?
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (31:18):
I think so.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
So if I could help you, you know somehow as
a result of us talking you had that peace and
that clarity and that confidence, would you be pleased? Yes, yes, Freddie.
What are your best hope from talking with me?
Speaker 5 (31:34):
Well, life has love pushers and pulls them, just trying
to figure what's where you know, I long ago, you
know what I mean? Hopefully that could be self resolution
with a few issues that I.
Speaker 6 (31:43):
Have, moving that you give me some more pointers on
how to be go directly at the issue and follow
up on, you know, do what I say I'm gonna
do when I say I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
That's if I gave pointers that you could follow up
on and do do these things, you'd be.
Speaker 5 (31:59):
Pleased and a somewhat yeah, she would. I'm just saying
I'm having a real issue with my son though, like uh,
we're going we.
Speaker 4 (32:08):
Had each other's throats like he's like thirty five.
Speaker 5 (32:13):
I think it's a psychites mostly like.
Speaker 4 (32:15):
Trying childhood trauma. Maybe.
Speaker 5 (32:18):
I think that's one of the issues that's happening with
him too. I guess I'm having some traumas too because
I guess, like, because he was fourteen years years old when.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
I left, When you left, where'd you go?
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I'm moving to Florida?
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Okay? How long were you gone?
Speaker 4 (32:37):
Oh like ten years?
Speaker 1 (32:38):
About ten years he was fourteen and he was twenty
four when you when you came back. Did you see
him at all in the ten years between?
Speaker 4 (32:50):
No?
Speaker 1 (32:50):
No? Okay. Did you reconnect with him when he was
twenty four when he came back?
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Okay, how'd that go?
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Went?
Speaker 4 (32:58):
So?
Speaker 5 (32:59):
So a little resentment, then it was a little happiness,
and then it was a little resentment.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Okay. What would you like to see happens to your
relationship with your son? Like, if if I could do
a really really good job and make a difference in
your relationship with your son, what difference would you like
to see happen.
Speaker 5 (33:17):
I just hope that we could get be friends again,
be the father and son again, and just be have
a relationship again.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Period.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Okay, So, Freddie, if I could help you and your
son have a relationship again, that's kind of like father
starting friendly again, you'd be pleased, it's indeed. Okay, what else, Freddy?
What else can I help you with?
Speaker 4 (33:38):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (33:38):
I guess all the goals that I try to achieve
my life. Uh, you know, for one minute they saw
they I reached them, and then there's another setback. Then
I working again for somebody that's got working the day.
Speaker 4 (33:55):
Then my back is hurt. It's so bad, man.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Can I ask you a really import in question. Sure,
and and please if I offend you, let me know,
because that's not my intention. Okay, But I get the impression,
and you didn't say this, so correct me if I'm wrong.
(34:19):
I get the impression that you don't feel like you've
done everything right as a father. Is that true?
Speaker 4 (34:25):
That's true, and I'm not offending bout it.
Speaker 5 (34:28):
I think as being a man in life, do everything
is possible for your kids as far as you know, financial, emotionally,
you know, you know, expects of dislike and I think
I felt kind of short and a.
Speaker 4 (34:43):
Lot of areas, you know. Not to say that I
was the worst father in the world. I know we
did a lot. I did a lot of things some
joyful times in our lives, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (34:57):
I have to say that, Oh, men think they fall
short in some aspects, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
But I think I just fell short and more than most.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Men in this world, and thank you for saying that.
And I guess what I want to ask you is
if you woke up tomorrow as the version of yourself
that you want to be, as the version of yourself
as a father that you want to be, how would
(35:31):
your kids know it?
Speaker 4 (35:34):
I guess by.
Speaker 5 (35:38):
Me showing the more, being more attentive in their life,
you know what I mean, being a part of the.
Speaker 4 (35:46):
Activities, Uh, in a way where you know, like you
was just there, you know what I mean. Sometime you's
got to be this just did. I can't really say
I'm a part of his life, you know, like like
let me you say you know me? Right, Okay? If
you know me, then uh, I would you would know.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
My daily functions in the day, the events that I
got your planning, you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (36:16):
And what's you know even to like the favor that
were favorite serial? You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (36:22):
Things like that I don't know, you know what I mean,
Like and I think that's probably be the top of
my list, you know what I mean? Like this like
they say to say I know you know just you know,
I know I know you. You know what I mean
For me to say I know you, I don't you know.
Speaker 4 (36:40):
I know you, I love you.
Speaker 5 (36:42):
But and uh, but I don't really know your your
events of the day, you know.
Speaker 4 (36:48):
What I mean, or your events of yesterday. You know
what I mean, your eventsive for tomorrow. That's not I say.
You know, I know you, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Would you like to know your children in that way?
Speaker 4 (37:00):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (37:01):
What's the first thing if you walk to tomorrow man,
as as as the best version of you as a father.
What's the first thing you would do to join their
lives in that way? How would you do it?
Speaker 4 (37:14):
Well? Just by doing things with them today? It ain't
nothing but going to the to.
Speaker 5 (37:21):
The fish balk against a fist, half dinner, you know
what I mean, or going to a show or event, or.
Speaker 4 (37:31):
Just spend the uh that he called quality time?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Uh, Freddie, when was the last time you spent quality
time like going to a dinner or an event? When
was the last thing you spent that kind of time
was one of the kids?
Speaker 4 (37:46):
Jeez, I really gotta think about that, you know what
I mean, Because it's been a minute.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Hey, how do you think they'd respond to you trying
to join their lives like this? How do you think
they'd respond.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
I think they'd be kind of uh acceptable to it,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Do you think they wouldn't be acceptable to it?
Speaker 4 (38:12):
I think so?
Speaker 1 (38:16):
What would they say?
Speaker 5 (38:17):
That's that's the whole the limit. Actually, you know what
I'm saying. Because what planning something and something else will
make it won't.
Speaker 4 (38:26):
Make it happen mainly with me. It could be it
could be.
Speaker 5 (38:30):
Uh emergency or a lack of fundings or uh not
having the transportation, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (38:41):
Does it seems something.
Speaker 5 (38:43):
Always for like in the midst of it all, you know,
like to eventing from happening. I mean, sometimes like damn
to myself, like well, force is always working against me,
you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (38:56):
Oh, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (38:57):
You know.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
It must be hard, reddy man. It can be to
feel like, you know, all these forces are against you.
That must be difficult, man.
Speaker 5 (39:11):
Sometimes sometimes it appears to be yeah, and then I'll
be like I got you know, a nice big bouty
for home, nice big boude for a woman, you know,
like they what you will call one of the American dreams,
you know, white pick of fence, you know all that.
You know, a dog, you know, But I feel love
(39:33):
in my house, but it's it's as that's in me,
as you know, got a shadow over everything.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
I hope, more than anything else, what people get and
the value people will get from listening to this podcast
is inspiration and witnessing the power of love and care
and being a psychotherapist for nearly twenty years, Love and
care are a part of every single change process, either
learning to love yourself, learning to love your partner, learning
(40:06):
to love the people around you, learning to accept love
from the people around you like It's an incredibly important
part of the change process. It's literally what motivates us
to do things differently every single day. Like when people
have addiction, they get clean because of someone that they
love and care about. When people want to get a
new job, it's because they've learned to love themselves and
(40:27):
value themselves. So I want people to witness the power
of love as people discover how to love themselves and
the people around them, and how to receive love. I
also want people to experience inspiration because when we are
going through hard times, we have a tendency to think
we're the only ones going through those hard times, and
(40:48):
we have a tendency to think our lives like the
thing that's challenging us is insurmountable. But when you can
sit and bear witness to people overcoming challenges in their
lives and you can see how they're doing it and
what it's leading to, it inspires you to hang on
just a little bit more in your life. And for me,
that's that makes this one of the most valuable podcasts
(41:08):
you can ever listen to, because we highlight the power
of love and inspire people to do and be better
in their lives. I would love to hear from you
about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback, Leave
a review, send a DM, connect with me on socials
at Elliott' Speaks, and you can also send me a
text message to nine seven two four two six two
(41:28):
six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio
and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks to our
assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack Queise Thomas and
the executive producer, Dolly Bishop. The content presented on the
Family Therapy podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes.
It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical
(41:51):
or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider
patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your health
care provider or health team for any specific concerns or
questions you may have.
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The Podium: An NBC Olympic and Paralympic podcast. Join us for insider coverage during the intense competition at the 2024 Paris Olympic and Paralympic Games. In the run-up to the Opening Ceremony, we’ll bring you deep into the stories and events that have you know and those you'll be hard-pressed to forget.
2. In The Village
In The Village will take you into the most exclusive areas of the 2024 Paris Olympic Games to explore the daily life of athletes, complete with all the funny, mundane and unexpected things you learn off the field of play. Join Elizabeth Beisel as she sits down with Olympians each day in Paris.
3. iHeartOlympics: The Latest
Listen to the latest news from the 2024 Olympics.