How to Handle Confrontation—with Confidence

Most people would rather avoid conflict than face it head-on. But confrontation can actually be a good thing. We revisit this episode to get great insights as well as practical tips on how to turn confrontations into productive experiences. Our guest: Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of "23 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do."

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to this episode of Here's Something Good, a production
of the Seneca Women Podcast Network and I Heart Radio.
Each day we aspire to bring you the good news,
the silver lining to glass half full, because there is
good happening in the world everywhere, every day, we just
need to look for and share it. Here's something Good

(00:27):
for today. You've probably heard that conflict is bad and
that confrontation should be avoided. But what if confrontation is
actually good, healthy, and empowering. That's what we learned today
from Amy Moren, a psychotherapist and author. Today she's going
to give us a whole new way to think about
conflict and confrontation and tips that anyone can use to

(00:48):
clear the air. Now, if you don't like confrontation, you're
not alone. A study by the startup Bravery found that
seventy employees avoid difficult conversations with their bosses and co workers,
and of employees handled toxic situations by avoiding them. But
the more we avoid conflict, the more are bad feelings
build up. According to the Center for Conflict Resolution International,

(01:13):
six of problems with workplace performance are a result of
poor interpersonal relationships. For advice on how to handle conflict
with confidence. We spoke to Amy Moren, licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist,
and psychology professor. She's the author of Thirteen Things Mentally
Strong Women Don't Do and hosts of the Mentally Strong

(01:34):
People podcast. Here's what Amy had to say, Thanks so
much for joining us today. Thank you so much for
having me. It seems that people tend to avoid confrontation
and conflict. I guess some people avoid it more than others.
Why is this? Do some people have more trouble with
confrontation than others? Do Some people tend to think that
confrontation is bad, and so they have it stuck in

(01:56):
their heads that if I confront someone, it means we're
gonna have a huge argument, things are going to go well.
They might be mad at me, and they're worried that
the relationship is going to end. So for some people,
if they grew up, especially in a home where conflict
was always a really bad thing, they often grow up
learning that confronting someone having conflict means that you have
an unhealthy relationship or that things aren't going to go

(02:17):
well because of that. They're scared of it, and what
can people do to address that? The first thing is
to recognize that conflict isn't a bad thing. That it
shows that you have the courage to disagree with somebody
and that you value the relationship enough to try to
make things better. And so if people just shift their
mindset to recognize, okay, conflict doesn't have to be bad.
That we can disagree on things, and I can confront

(02:39):
somebody about an issue that I'm having and it just
means that I trust them. I trust enough that if
they're going to be angry at me, they aren't necessarily
going to dislike me or stop talking to me. Instead,
we can then take steps to repair the relationship. So
when people will make that shift, it often helps them
to see that it's okay to confront someone. Is avoiding
conflict a smart strategy during COVID. You know it can

(03:00):
be you certainly don't need to address every conflict that
comes up, or just because you disagree with somebody's choices. Uh,
you know, you want to think twice about who you're
going to confront and why you're going to confront them,
And you might ask yourself, am I thinking of confronting
this person just because I want to blow up some steam,
because I want to express my opinion, what am I

(03:22):
hoping to get from this? Is it going to potentially
change things? Could we grow closer? Or am I just
doing this because I had a really bad day and
I want to take it out on someone. But I
think where tensions are high, people are irritable, um, and
not everybody's feeling their best. It's important to think twice
about about confronting someone. And I guess they're probably different
rules for when you're confronting strangers. How do you determine

(03:43):
what's really worth making an issue over and what and
what you should let go? There is definitely an important
factor to consider if you're gonna confront a stranger, would
just be why and what do you hope to get
out of it? You know, lecturing a stranger who maybe
isn't socially distancing or uh, speaking up if you think
somebody should be wearing a mask or I think they
shouldn't be wearing a mask, and it's your opinion against theirs,

(04:05):
and so you think, well, what will happen if I
confront this stranger? Uh? And you know, we've seen it
all over the news that people are getting into fights
and people are rather irrational these days. So I think
it's important to just take a step back and think
what do I hope to gain from this? And sometimes
people think if I don't speak up and I'm I'm weak,
or if I don't speak up, I'm not standing up
for myself. But sometimes just walking away is the best

(04:27):
thing that you can do, and that just empowers you
to say, I'm not going to lose my cool. I'm
not going to waste my time and energy lecturing a
stranger or trying to change somebody else's behavior. Instead, I'm
gonna focus on what I can control, which is my
own behavior. So I think in plenty of instances it's
important to just take a step back and think what
do I hope to gain from this? And what are
my options, and what do I want to do about this?

(04:49):
And just make sure that you aren't confronting somebody simply
because you can't control your temper. Some of it seems
like kind of reinterpreting what conflict means and and having
enough control over yourself to understand what's the positive outcome
that you're trying to seek. I mean, I love this
idea of trying to think about conflict in a different way.

(05:11):
Are there specific tips or recommendations you give to help
train your mind in that way. Yeah, when I work
with my therapy clients, we often come up with a plan.
So the first step can just be acknowledging your emotions.
Sometimes it will say if I'm scared, I shouldn't do it. Well, know,
the truth is, sometimes you can be scared and do
it anyway. So do you have a loved one that

(05:32):
you want to confront about something, Just acknowledge how am
I feeling about this? Am I scared? Am I worried
that they might get angry? Am I a little bit anxious?
Am I sad because I'm afraid of what might happen?
Just wabeling your emotion can go a long way, just
taking a lot of the sting out of it. There's
science behind it, and so if you can just name
your feelings, you'll start to feel a little bit better

(05:54):
and it will also help you recognize, Okay, I'm feeling anxious,
and my anxiety causes me to think about all the
worst case scenarios. So you might then try to say, well,
what are some of the best case scenarios. Maybe we'll
have this conversation and we'll grow closer or maybe we'll
have this conversation and it'll go better than I expect.
And then if somebody really wants to confront somebody but

(06:15):
they're scared to do it, it can be helpful sometimes
to create a list of reasons why, maybe a top
five or top ten list of reasons why it's healthy
and helpful to confront somebody about something. It's really important
to think about how you're going to frame the conversation,
and often the best thing you can do is stick
to the facts and uh, and it's okay to share

(06:36):
how you feel because the other person can't argue with
how you feel. When you say I feel really sad
when you do this, or I feel really afraid when
you do that. Of how the person can't argue, we'll
know you don't feel sad or no, you don't feel afraid.
Those are your facts. So I think it's important to
think about those things and then to think how am
I going to frame this? And certainly we don't want

(06:56):
to use the you never do this or you're always
doing kind of statements. You want to use eye statements.
I uh, I feel disrespected when this happens. I get
upset when I hear you say these things. When we
use those eye statements that somebody can't argue with H,
than you're much better in a place of not setting
them up to to argue back. You can put yourself

(07:18):
in a position where you can have a conversation rather
than an argument about who's right and who's wrong. Well,
this is incredibly helpful, especially in this time when emotions
are running high, and so we very much appreciate you
being on the show. Well, thank you so much for
having me. I learned so much about confrontation in that
brief conversation with Amy Moore, and so here's something good

(07:38):
for today. The first step to getting comfortable with confrontation
is to reframe it. Conflict is not a bad thing.
It shows you trust the other person and that you
value the relationship enough to make adjustments to get ready
for your confrontation. Here are some helpful tips. First, acknowledge
your feelings of anxiety, but then in vision the best

(08:00):
case scenario all the positive outcomes that could result from
your confrontation. Second, prepare a list of the five reasons
that this is a good idea, and when you're ready
to speak, put your reasons into statements that use I
rather than you now. If you're planning to confront a stranger,
the rules are slightly different. Think about why you want

(08:20):
to do this and what you hope to get out
of it. Will your confrontation really change things or you're
just blowing off steam. As Amy says, sometimes the best
thing you can do is just walk away. Thank you

(08:43):
for listening, and please share Today's Something Good with others
in your life. This is Kim Azzarelli, co author of
Fast Forward and co founder of Seneca Women. To learn
more about Seneca Women, go to Seneca Women dot com
or download the Seneca Women app free in the app Store.
Here's Something Good is a production of the Senate Good
Women podcast Network and I Heart Radio Have a Great Day.

(09:10):
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