July 17, 2025 • 31 mins
Have you ever found yourself grieving something that never even fully existed? Maybe it was the relationship that almost happened. The person you imagined a future with.
The connection that never materialized but still left a deep, unexplainable ache.
In this raw and soul-searching episode, we talk about ambiguous loss, emotional attachment to potential, and the painful process of letting go when there’s nothing to “officially” let go of.
You'll discover how to:
- Validate your grief even when it’s invisible to others
- Heal from emotional projections and false hope
- Break the trauma-bond loop of intermittent affection
- Shift your narrative from rejection to redirection
- Reclaim your worth from imagined love stories
- Move forward without the closure you thought you needed
“Just because it wasn’t real on paper doesn’t mean it wasn’t real to you.”
This is for the ones stuck in “almosts,” “maybes,” and “what ifs.”
The ones healing quietly from stories no one else saw but still shaped you deeply.
This is your permission to grieve, to release, and to rebuild from truth, not fantasy.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So one of the things that we often don't talk
about is the silent pain of healing the thing that
never happens, like healing this thing that could have been,
that should have been, that you envisioned, that you wanted
to happen so bad, but it never happened. And the
reality of healing from that comes from this accept thing
what's real, what's in front of you, what's.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Possible, and what isn't.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
And I think that that's one of the hardest things
that we will ever have to decipher, because this thing
that we wanted didn't happen, and now we have to
mourn something that we didn't have tangibly, this is made
for this mountain with Josh Rosa or we're turning pain
into purpose. So when we talk about the series of wounds,
and we've been diving into different kinds of wounds, I
think this is one of those wounds that we don't
often make time for.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
And this is a perfect segue between last episode and
this episode.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And then we talk about identity and all these other
type of wounds and confidence. But I think that we
don't heal from certain things that like this because we
don't actually allow ourselves the fullness of what it really
could have been and what it was and not we
don't allow ourselves the ability in the moment to actually
grieve something like this, right because for a lot of us,
the way we think about this is that we look
(01:01):
at this situation and we say, well, it wasn't anything real, like,
it never happened, It never came to fluition, So how
can I feel bad? How can I heal? How can
I grieve from a thing that just didn't exist? And
that's a fair thing, r It's a fair thought, that's
a common thought. But the reality is that there was
something that happened. And we'll dive into this a little
bit later. But your brain still went through this process.
(01:21):
Your brain still has to deal with the trauma of
what it had to get over.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
It still has to go through.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
This constant thing of allowing itself to be real, to
be present, to be in the now. And one of
the hardest things are that these become so difficult to
heal from because there's nothing tangible, there's nothing that you
can say, well, X, Y and Z was the reason
why you never actually had the fullness of it, So
it didn't allow you to be free from this thing.
So diving into the reality, it's just so much to
(01:45):
unpack there and just allowing ourselves to know that it's
okay to heal and to grow from this particular thing.
And let's start with this first point, validate the grief
of the unrealized, like, really validate that reality. Just because
it is it wasn't official, doesn't mean it wasn't real
to you. Just because this thing never had the fullness
of what you thought it could have been, it doesn't
(02:05):
mean that it wasn't an authentic thing to your heart,
That it wasn't something that you wanted or saw, and
it wasn't something that was not real to you. Yes,
it might have not been to flourishan it might have
not lived the way that you anticipated or thought or wanted,
but it was still real. It was still something that
you felt, was still something you desired. It was still
a future that you envisioned. It was still a thing
that you saw happening and that you were willing to
(02:27):
go above and behund to make it happen, and it
didn't happen. So now being able to grieve this is
to understand that yeah, it's an ambiguous.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Loss, but it's still real.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
It's still lost them the less it's still something that
you have to mourn and go through and allow yourself
to accept the reality that it isn't gonna happen, and
it does take time. It's not something that tomorrow you
wake up and you say, well, you know what, I
understand this, I validate my feelings, I grieve it, and
I let it go. Not like that. Sometimes it's gonna
be a lot of repetition of allowing ourselves to be
honest with us, to allow us to move away from
(02:59):
some that seems good, that seemed like it should have happened,
and then realize that, you know what, this thing isn't
valid now, and it's okay to feel and to grieve
and to go through the process of healing that because
like any relationship, right when we have actual relationships, and
by the way, again, like everything I say, it's not
just romantic relationships, but those again are the most common.
So when we look at these things, it's just understanding
(03:20):
that this particular thing that I was in is.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Still a relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Even if it was just a situationship or something that
you've anticipated or thought about, you still sowed yourself in
emotion and a feeling of what it could have been.
So you are going to hurt the same way that
if it was something else, and in fact, sometimes even
worse because you didn't have anything to pit in it.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Us. You can't say.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
That this person was this way or that way, or
something happened here. You have to now go off the
simple basis of this thing that could have been and wasn't.
And I honestly feel that that is the hardest thing
to heal from the thing that wasn't, the thing that
could have been, the vision that you gave yourself. And
I need you to understand that you need to hold
on to this reality that you are good, Like the
(04:00):
person that you are is still good, the person that
you wanted to be, and this is still good. You
don't have to mourn what you desired. You have to
mourn what.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
You're dealing with. So for a lot of us, when
we struggle with this.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Healing component, when we don't allow this wound to really
be healed, we fester in it and it comes to
this point where it dives into so many other relationships
or so many other things in our lives, not even
just relationships, right, it will dive into things that we
deal with people, or how we deal with people, or
how we respond to other people because of this wound
that was never tended to. And it's the worst thing
(04:31):
to think that because you didn't grieve something that wasn't
that you have allowed it to now create a roadblock.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
And everything else.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
It's okay to grieve this particular thing. It's okay to
see this and validate the fact that, yes, it existed,
it was real. It was a pain that I've struggled.
It's something that it's in me, your brain and your body.
They don't know the difference, right, They can't grieve it
because in the way it's created and working in you,
(05:00):
not something that to you it's fake. Right, It's not
something that to you has no valid feeling or emotion.
It's something that's real, something that's happened, that you've gone through.
So being able to understand that and to deal with
that particular thing is going to be huge. Is being
able to know that in your brain this thing is
still true and still bad. Now. One of the biggest
things that we fail at this is that for a
lot of us, we're grieving potential and not a person
(05:22):
like we're grieving what could have been and not who
they actually were.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
We're seeing what.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
We've envisioned and not what they're showing us, and you're
mourning the vision that you created and not the reality
of who they actually were. Because the truth is that psychologically,
our brains can't distinguish distinguish between imagine the emotions and
real ones. They can't distinguish from these two things. So
sometimes there are things that we put ourselves through because
we've envisioned what a person could be like, but it's
not the reality. They've never actually done those things. You've
(05:48):
just given yourself so much leverage, so much rope with
this that you think this is who they are. I
think one of the best ways to heal from this
whole is to sit down with this thought and unpack that, Right,
this person really really who they're showing me they are?
Or are they really this person that envisioned them to be?
Or am I overcompensating for my desire with their action?
(06:09):
Like am I changing who they are to fit what
I want them to fit? Am I changing what they do?
Because we do this so often, I think this is
one of the hardest pains that we ever struggle with.
People will treat us poorly and will try to find
excuses for their bad behavior. They'll do terrible things to
us or say terrible things, and what we'll do is
I will look for reasons why to justify them so
(06:29):
that we can feel justified in it, so that we
can feel vindicated about our emotions, because if they are
being this person, it's not because of them, it's because
of X, Y and Z. So you justify how bad
they're treating you an effort to keep them around just
because you want them around. I need you to realize
sometimes you're grieving the potential of who they could be
and not the reality of who they're showing you they are.
(06:50):
And I think that pain is worse because at this
point it's not something that they are actually showing you.
It's something that you're forcing yourself to believe. This thought pattern,
this process of allowing people to conue to be the
worst version of them so that we can just keep
them in our lives is not good and healing from that.
Healing from that particular wound is going to be tough
because we're affirming this, we're fulfilling what they are without
(07:12):
knowing it. We're subconsciously allowing them to be this worst
version of us to us because we are giving them
that power authority. The reality is that sometimes we're grieving
potential and not the person. And we'll talk a little
bit more about this at this quick break. So when
we talk about this, right, this reality of what's real
and what's not, what's tangible in what isn't being able
to sit down and unpack this, being able to sit
(07:34):
down and look at this particular thing and say, man,
is this really who this person is or is it
just who I'm making them out to be? Are they
really treating me properly? The person that desires you and
loves you and will give in to you and desires
to build something with you is a person that will
pursue and seek you. Now I'm not saying I know
that that that dynamicing dichotomy between the male and the
female and the things that we have to do and
(07:55):
all these things. And then when we talk about this
mountain of healing from this particular wound, we need to
us understand that no person that desires you will ever
not show you interest. Now I don't mean that they're
gonna be like over the top, because you know, people
have different emotions and different expressions and different things, but
a person that desires to be around you will make
the effort to keep you around. It should not feel
like you have to consistently chaste because a person that
(08:17):
wants to be caught does not desire chase. They desire pursuits,
and pursuit and chase are totally different. When I pursue something,
it's because it is a something that we are showing
that we are interested in this in particular thing. When
I chase something, it's because it's running from me. The
thing that you have to chase and force will be
the thing that will make you the most hired and
most aggravated because you're doing extra for nothing. There's a
(08:40):
difference between pursuit and chase. And when we distinguish this
to these two people, these person that we're grieving the
potential of who they are and the reality of who
they actually are, we need to be able to sit
down and impac Am I being extra in a place
that that's not validated or loved? Am I chasing instead
of pursuing? Am the butt of the joke? Or am
(09:00):
I actually bringing something to this table that are working
to grow something we need to make sure that in
this healing of this mountain, of this wound, that we
don't give this authority to something that's not real. And again,
in Spanish, transit is locasiago, which is again we're kind
of what we're talking about in this and there's this
(09:21):
potential of something that could have happened. And now I
do want to distinguish that real quick because in that
saying that saying in Spanish, it's a little bit different,
because that is more grieving the potential of something good,
of something that both people desired, but the timing or
the place or the thing wasn't there, that the moment
of that possibility didn't actually flourish, it didn't exist. And
these are two people that desire these things, and we
(09:42):
still have to grieve these things. But the reality of
that is that you're not grieving something that is only mental.
You're grieving something that had actual potential. And I don't
want to invalidate that right because that's a reality. There
is the possibility of things that most people wanted it,
but the timing or the issue the world was just
not aligning. But even in that, as you sit down
(10:04):
and impact this with you, for you even in that
that particular person would still put the conscious effort, They'll
still give the time, they'll still do the thing that
you need. It's not just you. And we get so
caught up in trying to make things happen with people
that we ignore the fact that it can't just be us,
that we can't just be the only ones making everything.
So in those cassiagoes and that almost something's same concept.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
But we need to have that reality.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
We need to be able to distinguish fantasy from emotional reality,
like were you actually in love with them or with
the idea that they represented? Were you in love with
with who they were showing you what they were doing,
the actions, the words, or were you in love with
what they look like or what you thought they could be,
or their money or their potential the things that you've
envisioned in your mind and not who they actually were
to you. And I think that for many of us,
(10:50):
the unfulfilled relations we live in come from this idolized
self space, like this thing where we've created an idol
of this particular person and we made them in something
that there actually aren't, like nothing that they're showing us
that they really are we're making them into what we
can see them. And this happened so much, and I
think this is one of the most painful things to
(11:10):
go through, and I promise you everyone has gone through
it at some stage in their life. They will, or
they have, or they're going to. It's where we create
a person that it does not exist. We make that
person to be better out than what they actually are,
So we put them on a pedestal. We make them
into the symbol of who we want them to be,
because they portray certain characteristics of the things that we want,
(11:31):
but they are not that person. And what happens when
you do that is that you give so much authority
to them that they now control everything that you do.
Feel an act, like every part of your heart is
not in their hands because you've given them that much authority.
It's unfortunately, because it's so easy to do. In our
pursuit to be loved, like in our hope and our
desire to find the person, to see this person, we
(11:51):
make them something that they aren't. And when we date potential,
we look for potential. We can't actually do something successful
with that, right because you can't take potentially. You have
to date reality. You can't date when people are showing
you that they can be or what you anticipate them
to be, rather because yes, if they're making efforts of strides,
that's different. But if you create them into something that
they're absolutely not and they show you that they're actively not,
(12:12):
you have now put them in a pedestal so much
so that they are the symbol of everything that you've wanted,
and you can't heal from that because they still remain
on that pedestal. So in your mind, this person that
you've elevated is the person that you need to pursue.
And we can't heal from a person that we've made
into a god. We can't heal from a person that
we've put so much higher than anything else. The truth
(12:34):
is that for a lot of us, we don't distinguish
between our emotions and our reality. We don't question it
because it's easier to just remain in that and to
go back and to repeat those things to say in
those cycles. It's just so much easier. Healing starts when
you reclaim that, when you take that part of you
that's not aligning with that truth, and you stop giving
the authority, you stop looking for them to be the
(12:57):
person that you've envisioned them to be and accept who
they actually. I think we break our own heart so
much because of that, because we think that this person
that we've invented is who they're gonna be, and we
are blind. We put on blinders to everything that they say,
do and act all those We ignore the super red
flags because it's easier to just stay in what I
was thinking, right'. It's just easier to make myself the
(13:20):
villain in this story. It's just easier to take on
to me what they are and we and it breaks
my heart because I see it so much. I see
in the conversations that have had.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
With people over the years. I see this so so often.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
I feel again, I feel like we've all gone through
something similar to this. But we make ourselves the villain
and the story and efforts to make them the hero.
We downplay what we bring, what we offer, who we are,
how good we are, because we think that they are
that good, because we've put them on a pedestal so
high that they could do no harm, they could do
no wrong. And the reality is that yes, they might
be amazing, great people, but they're not great to you.
They're not good for you. They're not giving you the
(13:54):
things that you need, so now you're causing yourself heart
break trying to convince them to be who they can be.
You will continue to stay in this thing. You will
never heal from this thing if you can't authentically sit
down and identify the reality of who they are, Like
it's not just who you make them to be, but
(14:15):
who are they actually what are they actually doing? What
are you bringing to this table, to this mix. Is
it's just you thinking and begging or is it the
reality of their making some conscious effort. Will continue to
chase the people that we put on pedestals because we
think that we don't deserve them, and we think that
if we have some type of access to them that
that's enough, and it's not. You don't deserve just enough.
(14:37):
You don't deserve just simple access. You deserve fullness. You
deserve to be loved completely and intangibly, and it's not
just something where you put yourself in a position to
be stepped over. We will continue to be stepping stalls
for people that don't see us as equals, they don't
see us as how we see them, and being able
to sit down and impact this and knowing that it's
(14:58):
just a reality of this, will be able to walk away.
And I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I'm
not saying that you're going to just wake up one
day and analyze and sit through this and be able
to be royal about it. But it is something that
you will have to consistently choose you every day, choose
to love and choose you. So one big takeaway here. Yes,
(15:22):
a lot of mental decisions and a lot of emotions,
but there's also a chemical component of this, like notice
chemical loop of hope and disappointment. And this happens a
lot in relationships where people will.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Do things well.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
They'll give you just enough. It's called bread craming. They'll
give you just enough to keep you around, but not
enough to keep you fulfilled or full.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
They'll give you.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Enough to seem like it's possible and it's convenient, but
not enough to make it seem like they're actually interested
in invested. And I need you to take that for
what it is at its core value, because if they're
giving you just enough, this is causing this chemical response
in you that you think, oh, this is the time,
this is the chance, this is the opportunity. It's finally
going to happen. So what you do is that you
invest more while they invest less, and now you are
(16:00):
overinvested into something and again something cost fallacy. You've given
so much time to to this that you think that
you have to make it happen, and you don't. It's
interment reinforcement, and it's addictive. This happens even in love,
like even in this, when we get these little glimpses,
little portions of it, these breadcrumbs, we think that it's
just enough to keep us going. And honestly, it's like
(16:22):
any drug addiction. Literally, So what happens to your bodies.
You're releasing hormones like dopamine and certnin and all these
things are being released and you feel this little hit
of this little high. So every time that you get
this connection with them, you feel a little bit happier
or a little more joy to So what you think,
what your body thinks chemically, it thinks that this person
is inducing this. So what happens chemically is that you
(16:45):
begin to now create this attachment to them, whether consciously
or subconsciously, because your body's releasing these type of hormones.
But that's not them. It's just the thought of the
thing that you've created that creates again this pedestal where
you come back to this place. This breadcrumbing is enough
to keep you chemically attached but not actually committed. It's
enough to make them seem like what you think they are,
(17:07):
but it's not enough for you to actually be validated
or loved in it. And I think that for a
lot of people will continue to struggle in that lie
until we create this detachment from them that doesn't allow
them to continue to have that power over you. And
this is the hard part, right because you have to
consciously decide to not go back even when it hurts.
There is a physical hurt that happens even in heartbreak. Honestly,
(17:30):
there's signs that shows us that there are literal parts
of your heart, little string little strings in your heart
that break. Right when you feel overly emotionally painful, when
there's like deaths in the family or like these really
deep intense emotions.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
There are actual parts of your heart that.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Break, and it's equated to again scientifically, even to physical
emotion like pain, Like your emotions bring you physical pain.
But the reality is that you won't be able to
rewire this. You won't be able to change this if
you keep going.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Back to it. There has to be This is why.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
So many people say stuff I come like, don't talk
to them right like that complete attachment like thirty days
or whatever. It's because this actually works because of that,
because you create this distance.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Now.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I don't want to dismiss certain situations because we all
go through things like having kids and stuff like that,
and there are situations where you have to be able
to communicate and speak and be in contact with them,
because there's so many other factors to this, but at
this point, it's knowing what's on the table and what
is and is knowing Okay, this is where we can
speak and do and act, and this is where we can't.
(18:33):
These are the boundaries and barriers that we have to
keep because if not, we will never heal from this.
Being able to declare those things because the reality is
that that's part of you that's going to stay that
it's that part of you that love them. Was just
showing you what you're capable of feeling, Like knowing that
you can go through this and feel those things with
those people. It's just showing you that this is a
reality and it's possible, and yeah, maybe it's not the
(18:56):
best there, maybe that wasn't the where you needed it,
but being able to stay in that, being able to
grow from that, it's gonna be the best thing you
ever do. So we give this reality, we'll see this
possibility and know that we're capable of it, But that
doesn't mean that that's the place that you have to
give it. Like, just knowing that you can do this
(19:17):
doesn't mean that you stay in this. Just because it's
natural to you doesn't mean that this is the place
that owns everything for you. And until we cut that off,
until we sever those things, we'll continue to stay in
these loops that are not just emotional, but they're also
physical and spiritual. There are connections that we make with
people that we can't break because we've created these bonds
(19:38):
with them that it's just pulling us back into this.
And you ever wonder why you feel so negative around
these people, why these people are so negative and you
feel that way with them, it's because of that, Because
we've created these bonds that are deeper than anything else.
And knowing that we have to separate these things, the
only way you'll ever do it is by creating.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
That actual space.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
So we'll dive a little bit deeper into all this
after this last commercial break. One of the greatest phrases
I've ever heard and will ever hear, is you weren't rejected,
you were redirected. And I think knowing this and owning
this is the reality the things that we're not meant
to serve and grow with us. And again again divine assignment, yes,
but maybe not the mint assigned. Maybe just in general,
(20:16):
sometimes the things that we have desired to have in
our lives are the things that we're gonna caust us
the most pain, or the things are going to hurt
us the most, are going to cause this struggle in
us that wasn't worth it. And being able to know
that sometimes rejection is the greatest gifty will ever receive.
It will change how you look at this situation because
(20:36):
now I know that, yes, maybe I wanted this thing,
but this thing was going to cause problems that I
was not ready for. It's not rejection, it's redirection. There's
this disinterest isn't a measure of value, it's a reflection
of their capacity. Like knowing that this person doesn't see
what you offer and what you have. If they had
access to you, they wouldn't know what to do with you.
(20:59):
Their rejection is a redirection towards the things that you
should be in. You would have wasted time in a
place that could not fully value you, thinking that that's
what you deserve, because you have put them in a
place that's so high that they didn't deserve.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
To be there.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And then now what you would have done is that
your whole life would have been surrounded and vindicated by
their approval, and you would have hated yourself for it.
You would have hated yourself to be in a place
that just doesn't value and love you fully for you,
not for what you do, for what you bring, for
how you look, for how much money you have, but
just for the person that you are. These people could
not service that, They could not serve that love that
(21:33):
you have because it wasn't for them to do so.
And the sooner we get to understanding this, as sooner
we accept this reality that sometimes the places that we've
been in it's not worth out us, it's not worth
hard time. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we're
allowing ourselves to heal and grow and know that yes,
it could have been a season and or time or
lesson in my life, but it wasn't the thing that
(21:55):
drove the boat.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
It wasn't the catalyst for everything else.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Being able to actually have then identify that it's knowing
that your worth isn't defined by their attention. And maybe
they couldn't see you. Maybe they could, but they didn't
want to. Either way, it's about you. It's not about
you not being enough. It's not about them not being ready.
It's about the reality that they weren't able to serve
(22:18):
who you were. They did not have the capacity to
love fully and intentionally how you needed it. That's not rejection.
That's redirection towards someone who actually will the years you
would have invested in a place, knowing that you thought
that it was the greatest thing ever, it would have
been the most painful thing you've ever done. And our
(22:40):
last point here is to dive into this reality. This
is wound, this mountain of healing.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I think.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
It's one of the more intricate things. And again I
say this often in all these episodes, and if you
hadn't heard it before, if this is the first thing
you're listening to, I of course My background is a
spiritual When I come from a faith, I love Jesus
a Christian, follow my faith from Catholic, I love my
faith all these beautiful things, and I never want anyone
to ever feel like they are not welcomed, their loved,
(23:09):
or how particular topics are not for them. But I
honestly feel like there is value in this even despite
your belief, Like whatever you believe or don't believe, or
what you align with or don't align with or whatever,
there is philosophy to all of this. And that's what
I love about my faith, particularly because it's not just
a spiritual thing, it's a philosophical thing. There is so
(23:29):
much intricacy in it, and I think that everyone can
get something out of this. And I'm sure that people
have different spiritualities and all these things, and this will
still resonate with you. This last point, I'm a precursor
to it, because they will resonate with you. But it's
to separate a soul connection from a soul assignment, Like
just because you felt something deep doesn't mean that they
were meant to stay. And there's this distinguishment between a
(23:51):
soul resonance and a soul permanence. This person that might
have related to something that you felt was good and
needed in you, and in that moment was good because
it was a presence, but it's not something that was
meant to be attached for the long term. It's not
something or someone that was meant to be there for
a greater period. And the reality that sometimes we think
that the person that we've envisioned, the person that we've
(24:13):
made them out to be, is a person that we need,
but it's not. It's not the person that's gonna have
the greater goal for you, right And again from a
faith perspectives, the greater goal is Heaven, right, the desire
for that fullness of what it is. But you can't
serve your mission here where you are now and the
life you're living, in the world you're in without a
person that is not missions driven with you, Like the
(24:35):
goal should always be this person that's working and yearning
to be not just the best version of them for them,
but the best version of them for you. And if
the person that you can't heal from is a person
that you poured into so much, because again we have
to sit with that reality. Are they for me or
have I made them for me, like, are they really
(24:55):
who the potential that I say they have or is
it something that I've created? Or is this something that
they actually are? And A goes even further because again,
let's assume they are. There are these great things that
they could serve with you and could have helped you. Now,
is this the person that desired that in me? Or
is the person that didn't desire that? I mean? And
again that's an easy answer because you wouldn't be healing
(25:17):
from a wound of her a detachment or heartbreak or
anything of that nature, or the relationship that ever happened.
You wouldn't be healing from that wound if that person
actually was, because if it was, you wouldn't be here
that they would have validated the thing that you were feeling.
They would have given you the you deserved, the love
and attention, so you wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Be dealing with this thing.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
So it's kind of already redundant question, but just the
reality to help us see and analyze this, that some
people don't deserve the position that we've given them because
they don't serve or deserve the places that we're going to.
They are not missions driven with us they're convenient for
the place that we might have thought they were, but
they're not the fullness of what they are. Your real
(25:56):
life is worth building more than the imagine the one
that was worth like, the reality of where you're going
is way more important than what you thought you needed.
It's the truth of where you are now and our
actual last point here. Because it was six not five
is letting go doesn't mean it didn't matter. And I
think that one hurts one of the greatest because yes
(26:19):
it's over, it happened, but it doesn't mean it didn't
have value. It doesn't mean that there wasn't a lesson,
there wasn't a person, that there wasn't something good that
came out of this. It doesn't mean that this thing
didn't exist. It's the truth behind it. But you can
honor the feeling and still move forward. You can honor
the emotion, the capacity of the thing that you went through.
You can honor the person. You can say that they
had all these great values and all these great things,
but you can still move on with your life. And
(26:41):
it might seem and seen right now, it might seem
deep and painful depending where you are in this walk,
but it's okay to honor what you felt and what
you went through and not stay there. Know that this
is the thing that became a learning block, a learning
curve for you, a stepping stone forward. You don't have
to erase the memories of the moments or not go
back to it. I mean, yes, in the beginning stages,
(27:02):
of course, don't dwell in it. Don't go through limerens
where you sit and overplay the emotions of the memory,
where you over obsess of what you could have done
or said differently, because the reality is that there isn't
anything like. There is no change as to what you
could have said or done that would have made anything better.
Because the full you, the true you, is a person
that just deserves to be free. Doesn't have to act perfectly.
(27:22):
You don't have to know every next step. You don't
have to have all the chess pieces put out perfectly.
It's okay to be messy because the person that loves
you fully loves you even in your mess. They're not
living the perfection and polished you. It's the you that
you authentically are. Yes, I'm not saying go be a
hot mess every single day, but know that there's nothing
you could have done differently to make them love you more.
(27:44):
If they didn't love you where you were, then where
you're going, there's not a place that they deserve to
be in. It's okay to honor those things, to know
that you went through those emotions and things that you
felt you've grown through and being able to say this
thing was real and it mattered, and it had its
time and it's perfect. But time and its purpose is gone.
It's not in the stage you're in now. And this
(28:06):
is the hardest point of this, and this is a
great way to end this episode or our last point
to this. You don't need a final conversation to be complete,
like you don't need closure. Closure is a lie. Closure
is just an internal hope that they will say I
was wrong, that they will admit to their flaws. You
don't need them to do that because again, this is
(28:26):
giving them authority to make you feel as if you're
valid or invalid. It doesn't matter what they say or
what they agree with it what they feel. What matters
is that you understand who you are and what you
deserve their validation. Their closure means nothing. What you do
and what you say means everything. How you feel is
the ultimate price of this, So dealing with this reality,
(28:50):
the relationships that never happened, healing the wound of what
could have been, the mountain that we're in of not
being able to step forward or step away because we've
created again this image and brain that we can't separate.
It's not something that's going to be super easy that
tomorrow you'll wake up and all these problems will be gone,
or this weekend or whatever it is. It's not going
to just change overnight. It is going to be a
(29:12):
consistent decision to move away. It's going to be consistent
decision to step away from this lie that you're not
worthy or worthy, or that you're not loved, or that
you're not validated because a person that couldn't do that
full before you didn't.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Do it for you.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
You have complete autonomy over who has any.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
Power or authority. You have complete.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Freedom to choose who belongs and who doesn't. And as
we unpack these wounds, right, this is a series of wounds,
this really quick series within a series, because again this
is stemming from conversations that I've had with people, and
I feel like it's awesome that we're working through this together.
But it means nothing if we don't identify these wounds
before we do anything else. And we're going to talk
(29:53):
about like self confidence and building actual confidence and being
able to speak and to move into rooms that you
belong to because you are fully who you're meant to be,
all those wonderful and purposeful things. But we can't step
into those we don't heal the things that we have before,
because if we don't heal our wounds from before, we'll
walk into rooms with those same wounds and we will
(30:14):
be triggered by things that are similar to it. Now,
I don't mean don't move forward, right because some wounds
are gonna take time and these are things that you're
gonna have to heal along on the road. But there
are certain things that we have to first identify because
there are certain wounds were living with that we don't
even know are they are there. So in this series
within a Syrians that we talk about these mountaintops, our
mountains rather that are wounds and how we identify and
(30:35):
how we grow them. This is one of the most
common ones, and being able to identify that it's gonna
help us identify everything else. So thank you for listening
to this episode. I really hope if you listen this far,
I hope, really hope you're sharing this with somebody, because
I feel like there's so much fruit in these things
where we help other people just heal and just even
if they're not vocal about the things that are going through,
(30:56):
just another thought process helps. So thank you for listening
to this episode, and I look forward to seeing you
or hearing you were speaking with you. Feel free to
send me messages on maybe moore motivated dot com. I'm
creating a thing where people can send these kinds of conversations. Again,
these all conversations stem from different things people have asked
me through like social media platform and stuff like that,
and things that I can or can't respond because there's
(31:18):
so many sometimes, but I try to like blend different
things just because I know there's something fruitful. So we'll
check you out, or we'll I'll hear you or hear you,
or you'll see me or you're hearing me on the
next one.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Take care
So one of the things that we often don't talk
about is the silent pain of healing the thing that
never happens, like healing this thing that could have been,
that should have been, that you envisioned, that you wanted
to happen so bad, but it never happened. And the
reality of healing from that comes from this accept thing
what's real, what's in front of you, what's.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Possible, and what isn't.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
And I think that that's one of the hardest things
that we will ever have to decipher, because this thing
that we wanted didn't happen, and now we have to
mourn something that we didn't have tangibly, this is made
for this mountain with Josh Rosa or we're turning pain
into purpose. So when we talk about the series of wounds,
and we've been diving into different kinds of wounds, I
think this is one of those wounds that we don't
often make time for.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
And this is a perfect segue between last episode and
this episode.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And then we talk about identity and all these other
type of wounds and confidence. But I think that we
don't heal from certain things that like this because we
don't actually allow ourselves the fullness of what it really
could have been and what it was and not we
don't allow ourselves the ability in the moment to actually
grieve something like this, right because for a lot of us,
the way we think about this is that we look
(01:01):
at this situation and we say, well, it wasn't anything real, like,
it never happened, It never came to fluition, So how
can I feel bad? How can I heal? How can
I grieve from a thing that just didn't exist? And
that's a fair thing, r It's a fair thought, that's
a common thought. But the reality is that there was
something that happened. And we'll dive into this a little
bit later. But your brain still went through this process.
(01:21):
Your brain still has to deal with the trauma of
what it had to get over.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
It still has to go through.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
This constant thing of allowing itself to be real, to
be present, to be in the now. And one of
the hardest things are that these become so difficult to
heal from because there's nothing tangible, there's nothing that you
can say, well, X, Y and Z was the reason
why you never actually had the fullness of it, So
it didn't allow you to be free from this thing.
So diving into the reality, it's just so much to
(01:45):
unpack there and just allowing ourselves to know that it's
okay to heal and to grow from this particular thing.
And let's start with this first point, validate the grief
of the unrealized, like, really validate that reality. Just because
it is it wasn't official, doesn't mean it wasn't real
to you. Just because this thing never had the fullness
of what you thought it could have been, it doesn't
(02:05):
mean that it wasn't an authentic thing to your heart,
That it wasn't something that you wanted or saw, and
it wasn't something that was not real to you. Yes,
it might have not been to flourishan it might have
not lived the way that you anticipated or thought or wanted,
but it was still real. It was still something that
you felt, was still something you desired. It was still
a future that you envisioned. It was still a thing
that you saw happening and that you were willing to
(02:27):
go above and behund to make it happen, and it
didn't happen. So now being able to grieve this is
to understand that yeah, it's an ambiguous.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Loss, but it's still real.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
It's still lost them the less it's still something that
you have to mourn and go through and allow yourself
to accept the reality that it isn't gonna happen, and
it does take time. It's not something that tomorrow you
wake up and you say, well, you know what, I
understand this, I validate my feelings, I grieve it, and
I let it go. Not like that. Sometimes it's gonna
be a lot of repetition of allowing ourselves to be
honest with us, to allow us to move away from
(02:59):
some that seems good, that seemed like it should have happened,
and then realize that, you know what, this thing isn't
valid now, and it's okay to feel and to grieve
and to go through the process of healing that because
like any relationship, right when we have actual relationships, and
by the way, again, like everything I say, it's not
just romantic relationships, but those again are the most common.
So when we look at these things, it's just understanding
(03:20):
that this particular thing that I was in is.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Still a relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Even if it was just a situationship or something that
you've anticipated or thought about, you still sowed yourself in
emotion and a feeling of what it could have been.
So you are going to hurt the same way that
if it was something else, and in fact, sometimes even
worse because you didn't have anything to pit in it.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Us. You can't say.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
That this person was this way or that way, or
something happened here. You have to now go off the
simple basis of this thing that could have been and wasn't.
And I honestly feel that that is the hardest thing
to heal from the thing that wasn't, the thing that
could have been, the vision that you gave yourself. And
I need you to understand that you need to hold
on to this reality that you are good, Like the
(04:00):
person that you are is still good, the person that
you wanted to be, and this is still good. You
don't have to mourn what you desired. You have to
mourn what.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
You're dealing with. So for a lot of us, when
we struggle with this.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Healing component, when we don't allow this wound to really
be healed, we fester in it and it comes to
this point where it dives into so many other relationships
or so many other things in our lives, not even
just relationships, right, it will dive into things that we
deal with people, or how we deal with people, or
how we respond to other people because of this wound
that was never tended to. And it's the worst thing
(04:31):
to think that because you didn't grieve something that wasn't
that you have allowed it to now create a roadblock.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
And everything else.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
It's okay to grieve this particular thing. It's okay to
see this and validate the fact that, yes, it existed,
it was real. It was a pain that I've struggled.
It's something that it's in me, your brain and your body.
They don't know the difference, right, They can't grieve it
because in the way it's created and working in you,
(05:00):
not something that to you it's fake. Right, It's not
something that to you has no valid feeling or emotion.
It's something that's real, something that's happened, that you've gone through.
So being able to understand that and to deal with
that particular thing is going to be huge. Is being
able to know that in your brain this thing is
still true and still bad. Now. One of the biggest
things that we fail at this is that for a
lot of us, we're grieving potential and not a person
(05:22):
like we're grieving what could have been and not who
they actually were.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
We're seeing what.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
We've envisioned and not what they're showing us, and you're
mourning the vision that you created and not the reality
of who they actually were. Because the truth is that psychologically,
our brains can't distinguish distinguish between imagine the emotions and
real ones. They can't distinguish from these two things. So
sometimes there are things that we put ourselves through because
we've envisioned what a person could be like, but it's
not the reality. They've never actually done those things. You've
(05:48):
just given yourself so much leverage, so much rope with
this that you think this is who they are. I
think one of the best ways to heal from this
whole is to sit down with this thought and unpack that, Right,
this person really really who they're showing me they are?
Or are they really this person that envisioned them to be?
Or am I overcompensating for my desire with their action?
(06:09):
Like am I changing who they are to fit what
I want them to fit? Am I changing what they do?
Because we do this so often, I think this is
one of the hardest pains that we ever struggle with.
People will treat us poorly and will try to find
excuses for their bad behavior. They'll do terrible things to
us or say terrible things, and what we'll do is
I will look for reasons why to justify them so
(06:29):
that we can feel justified in it, so that we
can feel vindicated about our emotions, because if they are
being this person, it's not because of them, it's because
of X, Y and Z. So you justify how bad
they're treating you an effort to keep them around just
because you want them around. I need you to realize
sometimes you're grieving the potential of who they could be
and not the reality of who they're showing you they are.
(06:50):
And I think that pain is worse because at this
point it's not something that they are actually showing you.
It's something that you're forcing yourself to believe. This thought pattern,
this process of allowing people to conue to be the
worst version of them so that we can just keep
them in our lives is not good and healing from that.
Healing from that particular wound is going to be tough
because we're affirming this, we're fulfilling what they are without
(07:12):
knowing it. We're subconsciously allowing them to be this worst
version of us to us because we are giving them
that power authority. The reality is that sometimes we're grieving
potential and not the person. And we'll talk a little
bit more about this at this quick break. So when
we talk about this, right, this reality of what's real
and what's not, what's tangible in what isn't being able
to sit down and unpack this, being able to sit
(07:34):
down and look at this particular thing and say, man,
is this really who this person is or is it
just who I'm making them out to be? Are they
really treating me properly? The person that desires you and
loves you and will give in to you and desires
to build something with you is a person that will
pursue and seek you. Now I'm not saying I know
that that that dynamicing dichotomy between the male and the
female and the things that we have to do and
(07:55):
all these things. And then when we talk about this
mountain of healing from this particular wound, we need to
us understand that no person that desires you will ever
not show you interest. Now I don't mean that they're
gonna be like over the top, because you know, people
have different emotions and different expressions and different things, but
a person that desires to be around you will make
the effort to keep you around. It should not feel
like you have to consistently chaste because a person that
(08:17):
wants to be caught does not desire chase. They desire pursuits,
and pursuit and chase are totally different. When I pursue something,
it's because it is a something that we are showing
that we are interested in this in particular thing. When
I chase something, it's because it's running from me. The
thing that you have to chase and force will be
the thing that will make you the most hired and
most aggravated because you're doing extra for nothing. There's a
(08:40):
difference between pursuit and chase. And when we distinguish this
to these two people, these person that we're grieving the
potential of who they are and the reality of who
they actually are, we need to be able to sit
down and impac Am I being extra in a place
that that's not validated or loved? Am I chasing instead
of pursuing? Am the butt of the joke? Or am
(09:00):
I actually bringing something to this table that are working
to grow something we need to make sure that in
this healing of this mountain, of this wound, that we
don't give this authority to something that's not real. And again,
in Spanish, transit is locasiago, which is again we're kind
of what we're talking about in this and there's this
(09:21):
potential of something that could have happened. And now I
do want to distinguish that real quick because in that
saying that saying in Spanish, it's a little bit different,
because that is more grieving the potential of something good,
of something that both people desired, but the timing or
the place or the thing wasn't there, that the moment
of that possibility didn't actually flourish, it didn't exist. And
these are two people that desire these things, and we
(09:42):
still have to grieve these things. But the reality of
that is that you're not grieving something that is only mental.
You're grieving something that had actual potential. And I don't
want to invalidate that right because that's a reality. There
is the possibility of things that most people wanted it,
but the timing or the issue the world was just
not aligning. But even in that, as you sit down
(10:04):
and impact this with you, for you even in that
that particular person would still put the conscious effort, They'll
still give the time, they'll still do the thing that
you need. It's not just you. And we get so
caught up in trying to make things happen with people
that we ignore the fact that it can't just be us,
that we can't just be the only ones making everything.
So in those cassiagoes and that almost something's same concept.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
But we need to have that reality.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
We need to be able to distinguish fantasy from emotional reality,
like were you actually in love with them or with
the idea that they represented? Were you in love with
with who they were showing you what they were doing,
the actions, the words, or were you in love with
what they look like or what you thought they could be,
or their money or their potential the things that you've
envisioned in your mind and not who they actually were
to you. And I think that for many of us,
(10:50):
the unfulfilled relations we live in come from this idolized
self space, like this thing where we've created an idol
of this particular person and we made them in something
that there actually aren't, like nothing that they're showing us
that they really are we're making them into what we
can see them. And this happened so much, and I
think this is one of the most painful things to
(11:10):
go through, and I promise you everyone has gone through
it at some stage in their life. They will, or
they have, or they're going to. It's where we create
a person that it does not exist. We make that
person to be better out than what they actually are,
So we put them on a pedestal. We make them
into the symbol of who we want them to be,
because they portray certain characteristics of the things that we want,
(11:31):
but they are not that person. And what happens when
you do that is that you give so much authority
to them that they now control everything that you do.
Feel an act, like every part of your heart is
not in their hands because you've given them that much authority.
It's unfortunately, because it's so easy to do. In our
pursuit to be loved, like in our hope and our
desire to find the person, to see this person, we
(11:51):
make them something that they aren't. And when we date potential,
we look for potential. We can't actually do something successful
with that, right because you can't take potentially. You have
to date reality. You can't date when people are showing
you that they can be or what you anticipate them
to be, rather because yes, if they're making efforts of strides,
that's different. But if you create them into something that
they're absolutely not and they show you that they're actively not,
(12:12):
you have now put them in a pedestal so much
so that they are the symbol of everything that you've wanted,
and you can't heal from that because they still remain
on that pedestal. So in your mind, this person that
you've elevated is the person that you need to pursue.
And we can't heal from a person that we've made
into a god. We can't heal from a person that
we've put so much higher than anything else. The truth
(12:34):
is that for a lot of us, we don't distinguish
between our emotions and our reality. We don't question it
because it's easier to just remain in that and to
go back and to repeat those things to say in
those cycles. It's just so much easier. Healing starts when
you reclaim that, when you take that part of you
that's not aligning with that truth, and you stop giving
the authority, you stop looking for them to be the
(12:57):
person that you've envisioned them to be and accept who
they actually. I think we break our own heart so
much because of that, because we think that this person
that we've invented is who they're gonna be, and we
are blind. We put on blinders to everything that they say,
do and act all those We ignore the super red
flags because it's easier to just stay in what I
was thinking, right'. It's just easier to make myself the
(13:20):
villain in this story. It's just easier to take on
to me what they are and we and it breaks
my heart because I see it so much. I see
in the conversations that have had.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
With people over the years. I see this so so often.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
I feel again, I feel like we've all gone through
something similar to this. But we make ourselves the villain
and the story and efforts to make them the hero.
We downplay what we bring, what we offer, who we are,
how good we are, because we think that they are
that good, because we've put them on a pedestal so
high that they could do no harm, they could do
no wrong. And the reality is that yes, they might
be amazing, great people, but they're not great to you.
They're not good for you. They're not giving you the
(13:54):
things that you need, so now you're causing yourself heart
break trying to convince them to be who they can be.
You will continue to stay in this thing. You will
never heal from this thing if you can't authentically sit
down and identify the reality of who they are, Like
it's not just who you make them to be, but
(14:15):
who are they actually what are they actually doing? What
are you bringing to this table, to this mix. Is
it's just you thinking and begging or is it the
reality of their making some conscious effort. Will continue to
chase the people that we put on pedestals because we
think that we don't deserve them, and we think that
if we have some type of access to them that
that's enough, and it's not. You don't deserve just enough.
(14:37):
You don't deserve just simple access. You deserve fullness. You
deserve to be loved completely and intangibly, and it's not
just something where you put yourself in a position to
be stepped over. We will continue to be stepping stalls
for people that don't see us as equals, they don't
see us as how we see them, and being able
to sit down and impact this and knowing that it's
(14:58):
just a reality of this, will be able to walk away.
And I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I'm
not saying that you're going to just wake up one
day and analyze and sit through this and be able
to be royal about it. But it is something that
you will have to consistently choose you every day, choose
to love and choose you. So one big takeaway here. Yes,
(15:22):
a lot of mental decisions and a lot of emotions,
but there's also a chemical component of this, like notice
chemical loop of hope and disappointment. And this happens a
lot in relationships where people will.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Do things well.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
They'll give you just enough. It's called bread craming. They'll
give you just enough to keep you around, but not
enough to keep you fulfilled or full.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
They'll give you.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Enough to seem like it's possible and it's convenient, but
not enough to make it seem like they're actually interested
in invested. And I need you to take that for
what it is at its core value, because if they're
giving you just enough, this is causing this chemical response
in you that you think, oh, this is the time,
this is the chance, this is the opportunity. It's finally
going to happen. So what you do is that you
invest more while they invest less, and now you are
(16:00):
overinvested into something and again something cost fallacy. You've given
so much time to to this that you think that
you have to make it happen, and you don't. It's
interment reinforcement, and it's addictive. This happens even in love,
like even in this, when we get these little glimpses,
little portions of it, these breadcrumbs, we think that it's
just enough to keep us going. And honestly, it's like
(16:22):
any drug addiction. Literally, So what happens to your bodies.
You're releasing hormones like dopamine and certnin and all these
things are being released and you feel this little hit
of this little high. So every time that you get
this connection with them, you feel a little bit happier
or a little more joy to So what you think,
what your body thinks chemically, it thinks that this person
is inducing this. So what happens chemically is that you
(16:45):
begin to now create this attachment to them, whether consciously
or subconsciously, because your body's releasing these type of hormones.
But that's not them. It's just the thought of the
thing that you've created that creates again this pedestal where
you come back to this place. This breadcrumbing is enough
to keep you chemically attached but not actually committed. It's
enough to make them seem like what you think they are,
(17:07):
but it's not enough for you to actually be validated
or loved in it. And I think that for a
lot of people will continue to struggle in that lie
until we create this detachment from them that doesn't allow
them to continue to have that power over you. And
this is the hard part, right because you have to
consciously decide to not go back even when it hurts.
There is a physical hurt that happens even in heartbreak. Honestly,
(17:30):
there's signs that shows us that there are literal parts
of your heart, little string little strings in your heart
that break. Right when you feel overly emotionally painful, when
there's like deaths in the family or like these really
deep intense emotions.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
There are actual parts of your heart that.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Break, and it's equated to again scientifically, even to physical
emotion like pain, Like your emotions bring you physical pain.
But the reality is that you won't be able to
rewire this. You won't be able to change this if
you keep going.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Back to it. There has to be This is why.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
So many people say stuff I come like, don't talk
to them right like that complete attachment like thirty days
or whatever. It's because this actually works because of that,
because you create this distance.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Now.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I don't want to dismiss certain situations because we all
go through things like having kids and stuff like that,
and there are situations where you have to be able
to communicate and speak and be in contact with them,
because there's so many other factors to this, but at
this point, it's knowing what's on the table and what
is and is knowing Okay, this is where we can
speak and do and act, and this is where we can't.
(18:33):
These are the boundaries and barriers that we have to
keep because if not, we will never heal from this.
Being able to declare those things because the reality is
that that's part of you that's going to stay that
it's that part of you that love them. Was just
showing you what you're capable of feeling, Like knowing that
you can go through this and feel those things with
those people. It's just showing you that this is a
reality and it's possible, and yeah, maybe it's not the
(18:56):
best there, maybe that wasn't the where you needed it,
but being able to stay in that, being able to
grow from that, it's gonna be the best thing you
ever do. So we give this reality, we'll see this
possibility and know that we're capable of it, But that
doesn't mean that that's the place that you have to
give it. Like, just knowing that you can do this
(19:17):
doesn't mean that you stay in this. Just because it's
natural to you doesn't mean that this is the place
that owns everything for you. And until we cut that off,
until we sever those things, we'll continue to stay in
these loops that are not just emotional, but they're also
physical and spiritual. There are connections that we make with
people that we can't break because we've created these bonds
(19:38):
with them that it's just pulling us back into this.
And you ever wonder why you feel so negative around
these people, why these people are so negative and you
feel that way with them, it's because of that, Because
we've created these bonds that are deeper than anything else.
And knowing that we have to separate these things, the
only way you'll ever do it is by creating.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
That actual space.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
So we'll dive a little bit deeper into all this
after this last commercial break. One of the greatest phrases
I've ever heard and will ever hear, is you weren't rejected,
you were redirected. And I think knowing this and owning
this is the reality the things that we're not meant
to serve and grow with us. And again again divine assignment, yes,
but maybe not the mint assigned. Maybe just in general,
(20:16):
sometimes the things that we have desired to have in
our lives are the things that we're gonna caust us
the most pain, or the things are going to hurt
us the most, are going to cause this struggle in
us that wasn't worth it. And being able to know
that sometimes rejection is the greatest gifty will ever receive.
It will change how you look at this situation because
(20:36):
now I know that, yes, maybe I wanted this thing,
but this thing was going to cause problems that I
was not ready for. It's not rejection, it's redirection. There's
this disinterest isn't a measure of value, it's a reflection
of their capacity. Like knowing that this person doesn't see
what you offer and what you have. If they had
access to you, they wouldn't know what to do with you.
(20:59):
Their rejection is a redirection towards the things that you
should be in. You would have wasted time in a
place that could not fully value you, thinking that that's
what you deserve, because you have put them in a
place that's so high that they didn't deserve.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
To be there.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And then now what you would have done is that
your whole life would have been surrounded and vindicated by
their approval, and you would have hated yourself for it.
You would have hated yourself to be in a place
that just doesn't value and love you fully for you,
not for what you do, for what you bring, for
how you look, for how much money you have, but
just for the person that you are. These people could
not service that, They could not serve that love that
(21:33):
you have because it wasn't for them to do so.
And the sooner we get to understanding this, as sooner
we accept this reality that sometimes the places that we've
been in it's not worth out us, it's not worth
hard time. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we're
allowing ourselves to heal and grow and know that yes,
it could have been a season and or time or
lesson in my life, but it wasn't the thing that
(21:55):
drove the boat.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
It wasn't the catalyst for everything else.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Being able to actually have then identify that it's knowing
that your worth isn't defined by their attention. And maybe
they couldn't see you. Maybe they could, but they didn't
want to. Either way, it's about you. It's not about
you not being enough. It's not about them not being ready.
It's about the reality that they weren't able to serve
(22:18):
who you were. They did not have the capacity to
love fully and intentionally how you needed it. That's not rejection.
That's redirection towards someone who actually will the years you
would have invested in a place, knowing that you thought
that it was the greatest thing ever, it would have
been the most painful thing you've ever done. And our
(22:40):
last point here is to dive into this reality. This
is wound, this mountain of healing.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I think.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
It's one of the more intricate things. And again I
say this often in all these episodes, and if you
hadn't heard it before, if this is the first thing
you're listening to, I of course My background is a
spiritual When I come from a faith, I love Jesus
a Christian, follow my faith from Catholic, I love my
faith all these beautiful things, and I never want anyone
to ever feel like they are not welcomed, their loved,
(23:09):
or how particular topics are not for them. But I
honestly feel like there is value in this even despite
your belief, Like whatever you believe or don't believe, or
what you align with or don't align with or whatever,
there is philosophy to all of this. And that's what
I love about my faith, particularly because it's not just
a spiritual thing, it's a philosophical thing. There is so
(23:29):
much intricacy in it, and I think that everyone can
get something out of this. And I'm sure that people
have different spiritualities and all these things, and this will
still resonate with you. This last point, I'm a precursor
to it, because they will resonate with you. But it's
to separate a soul connection from a soul assignment, Like
just because you felt something deep doesn't mean that they
were meant to stay. And there's this distinguishment between a
(23:51):
soul resonance and a soul permanence. This person that might
have related to something that you felt was good and
needed in you, and in that moment was good because
it was a presence, but it's not something that was
meant to be attached for the long term. It's not
something or someone that was meant to be there for
a greater period. And the reality that sometimes we think
that the person that we've envisioned, the person that we've
(24:13):
made them out to be, is a person that we need,
but it's not. It's not the person that's gonna have
the greater goal for you, right And again from a
faith perspectives, the greater goal is Heaven, right, the desire
for that fullness of what it is. But you can't
serve your mission here where you are now and the
life you're living, in the world you're in without a
person that is not missions driven with you, Like the
(24:35):
goal should always be this person that's working and yearning
to be not just the best version of them for them,
but the best version of them for you. And if
the person that you can't heal from is a person
that you poured into so much, because again we have
to sit with that reality. Are they for me or
have I made them for me, like, are they really
(24:55):
who the potential that I say they have or is
it something that I've created? Or is this something that
they actually are? And A goes even further because again,
let's assume they are. There are these great things that
they could serve with you and could have helped you. Now,
is this the person that desired that in me? Or
is the person that didn't desire that? I mean? And
again that's an easy answer because you wouldn't be healing
(25:17):
from a wound of her a detachment or heartbreak or
anything of that nature, or the relationship that ever happened.
You wouldn't be healing from that wound if that person
actually was, because if it was, you wouldn't be here
that they would have validated the thing that you were feeling.
They would have given you the you deserved, the love
and attention, so you wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Be dealing with this thing.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
So it's kind of already redundant question, but just the
reality to help us see and analyze this, that some
people don't deserve the position that we've given them because
they don't serve or deserve the places that we're going to.
They are not missions driven with us they're convenient for
the place that we might have thought they were, but
they're not the fullness of what they are. Your real
(25:56):
life is worth building more than the imagine the one
that was worth like, the reality of where you're going
is way more important than what you thought you needed.
It's the truth of where you are now and our
actual last point here. Because it was six not five
is letting go doesn't mean it didn't matter. And I
think that one hurts one of the greatest because yes
(26:19):
it's over, it happened, but it doesn't mean it didn't
have value. It doesn't mean that there wasn't a lesson,
there wasn't a person, that there wasn't something good that
came out of this. It doesn't mean that this thing
didn't exist. It's the truth behind it. But you can
honor the feeling and still move forward. You can honor
the emotion, the capacity of the thing that you went through.
You can honor the person. You can say that they
had all these great values and all these great things,
but you can still move on with your life. And
(26:41):
it might seem and seen right now, it might seem
deep and painful depending where you are in this walk,
but it's okay to honor what you felt and what
you went through and not stay there. Know that this
is the thing that became a learning block, a learning
curve for you, a stepping stone forward. You don't have
to erase the memories of the moments or not go
back to it. I mean, yes, in the beginning stages,
(27:02):
of course, don't dwell in it. Don't go through limerens
where you sit and overplay the emotions of the memory,
where you over obsess of what you could have done
or said differently, because the reality is that there isn't
anything like. There is no change as to what you
could have said or done that would have made anything better.
Because the full you, the true you, is a person
that just deserves to be free. Doesn't have to act perfectly.
(27:22):
You don't have to know every next step. You don't
have to have all the chess pieces put out perfectly.
It's okay to be messy because the person that loves
you fully loves you even in your mess. They're not
living the perfection and polished you. It's the you that
you authentically are. Yes, I'm not saying go be a
hot mess every single day, but know that there's nothing
you could have done differently to make them love you more.
(27:44):
If they didn't love you where you were, then where
you're going, there's not a place that they deserve to
be in. It's okay to honor those things, to know
that you went through those emotions and things that you
felt you've grown through and being able to say this
thing was real and it mattered, and it had its
time and it's perfect. But time and its purpose is gone.
It's not in the stage you're in now. And this
(28:06):
is the hardest point of this, and this is a
great way to end this episode or our last point
to this. You don't need a final conversation to be complete,
like you don't need closure. Closure is a lie. Closure
is just an internal hope that they will say I
was wrong, that they will admit to their flaws. You
don't need them to do that because again, this is
(28:26):
giving them authority to make you feel as if you're
valid or invalid. It doesn't matter what they say or
what they agree with it what they feel. What matters
is that you understand who you are and what you
deserve their validation. Their closure means nothing. What you do
and what you say means everything. How you feel is
the ultimate price of this, So dealing with this reality,
(28:50):
the relationships that never happened, healing the wound of what
could have been, the mountain that we're in of not
being able to step forward or step away because we've
created again this image and brain that we can't separate.
It's not something that's going to be super easy that
tomorrow you'll wake up and all these problems will be gone,
or this weekend or whatever it is. It's not going
to just change overnight. It is going to be a
(29:12):
consistent decision to move away. It's going to be consistent
decision to step away from this lie that you're not
worthy or worthy, or that you're not loved, or that
you're not validated because a person that couldn't do that
full before you didn't.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Do it for you.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
You have complete autonomy over who has any.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
Power or authority. You have complete.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Freedom to choose who belongs and who doesn't. And as
we unpack these wounds, right, this is a series of wounds,
this really quick series within a series, because again this
is stemming from conversations that I've had with people, and
I feel like it's awesome that we're working through this together.
But it means nothing if we don't identify these wounds
before we do anything else. And we're going to talk
(29:53):
about like self confidence and building actual confidence and being
able to speak and to move into rooms that you
belong to because you are fully who you're meant to be,
all those wonderful and purposeful things. But we can't step
into those we don't heal the things that we have before,
because if we don't heal our wounds from before, we'll
walk into rooms with those same wounds and we will
(30:14):
be triggered by things that are similar to it. Now,
I don't mean don't move forward, right because some wounds
are gonna take time and these are things that you're
gonna have to heal along on the road. But there
are certain things that we have to first identify because
there are certain wounds were living with that we don't
even know are they are there. So in this series
within a Syrians that we talk about these mountaintops, our
mountains rather that are wounds and how we identify and
(30:35):
how we grow them. This is one of the most
common ones, and being able to identify that it's gonna
help us identify everything else. So thank you for listening
to this episode. I really hope if you listen this far,
I hope, really hope you're sharing this with somebody, because
I feel like there's so much fruit in these things
where we help other people just heal and just even
if they're not vocal about the things that are going through,
(30:56):
just another thought process helps. So thank you for listening
to this episode, and I look forward to seeing you
or hearing you were speaking with you. Feel free to
send me messages on maybe moore motivated dot com. I'm
creating a thing where people can send these kinds of conversations. Again,
these all conversations stem from different things people have asked
me through like social media platform and stuff like that,
and things that I can or can't respond because there's
(31:18):
so many sometimes, but I try to like blend different
things just because I know there's something fruitful. So we'll
check you out, or we'll I'll hear you or hear you,
or you'll see me or you're hearing me on the
next one.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Take care
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