May 16, 2024 • 23 mins
Desi Lydic tackles Biden & Trump’s feisty calls for a pre-election debate without worm-ridden opponent RFK Jr., Michael Kosta proposes we use the presidential debate as a geriatric fitness test, and King Charles sees red in his first portrait as king. Then Jordan Klepper and Ronny Chieng host a new segment called "Sports War," where they debate the hottest sports news including Caitlin Clark's WNBA debut, Olympic organizers dealing with a literal river of shit in Paris, the KC Chiefs kicker's misogynist commencement address, and Shohei Ohtani's former interpreter going to trial for embezzling from the LA Dodgers star. The only rule of Sports War? You're not allowed to agree on anything. And Academy Award and Tony-nominated actress Amy Ryan joins Desi to discuss receiving her third Tony Award nomination for playing Sister Aloysius in “Doubt: A Parable,” and having only one week to prepare for the Broadway role. Ryan also alludes to a major plot twist in her Apple TV+ series, “Sugar,” and how the show puts a spin on the classic noir detective narrative.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy centralow.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's
only Sorts for new It's the Daily Joke with your host,
Daisy Line.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I'm in atletic.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
We've got so much to talk about tonight. King Charles
gets haunted by his own portrait. Trump and Biden finally
set a date, and we find out which bacterial infection
is sponsoring the Olympics. So let's get into the headline.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Let's begin with.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege. It's been
one year since he was crowned Eldest Boy, and he just.
Speaker 4 (01:04):
Got the photos.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
Developed mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled
of King Charles. Take a look. It is the first
since his coronation. The oil on canvas work of art
features the King dressed in all red with a red background.
He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh Guards, but there's
also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
And tampons now.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits
of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often
painted with her beloved corgies. Compare that to Charles, who
looks like he was painted with her corgies. Once Christy
Nome was finished with I do like having the butterfly there.
Though it says I may be King of England, but
(01:58):
I still love that song that goes, come my Lady,
Come Come Malady, Yoma Buttafla, sugar Baby. It's a great song.
It's a really great song, still holds up. Now, clearly
this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback, but
King Charles swears that he loves the portrait, which probably
means he's having an affair with another portrait on the side.
(02:22):
But let's move on from a leader who struggled with
infidelity to a leader who has no problem with it
at all. Donald Trump, There's been a lot of news
on the campaign trail today, so let's get right into
another edition of Indecision twenty twenty four. It looks like
(02:45):
today was going to be a quiet day on the
campaign trail. It's Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day
off from his porn star hush money trial, which he
was going to spend trying to guess Milania's new phone number,
but his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans and
breaking news.
Speaker 6 (03:02):
Just moments ago, President Biden throws down the gauntlet and
frankly some shade to Donald Trump, challenging him to a debate.
Speaker 7 (03:09):
Donald Trump lost two debates to me in twenty twenty,
Sin said he hadn't shown up for debate. Now he's
acting like he wants to debate me again. Will make
my day, pal, I'll even do it twice. Let's pick
the dace.
Speaker 8 (03:21):
Donald.
Speaker 7 (03:21):
I hear you're free on Wednesdays, Shita.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Now that's the Joe Biden I know, and moderately like
he scared of nothing besides natural causes. I got to
admit there was part of me that thought Joe Biden
would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because you know,
debating involves a lot of talking and thinking and standing.
But whooa, the way that he powered through that fourteen
(03:53):
second video.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
Makes me think he's got this.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Now.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge. Now,
maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through
the trial and thought I can take this guy.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
We're on the same map schedule.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
But come on Trump skipped every primary debate like it
was for play. There's no way he's going to accept
Biden's challenge.
Speaker 9 (04:15):
The former president responded to that video this morning on
Truth Social saying, just tell me when.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
I'll be there.
Speaker 5 (04:21):
Let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 6 (04:23):
Oh shit, it's on.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Yeah, let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
Make my day. I see dead people.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
I want you to draw me like one of your
French girls. Wednesdays, we wear pink. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah,
we're making moves now. Biden and Trump have agreed to debate,
but they still need to agree on a date and
a host, and those logistics don't just come together within
(04:56):
forty five minutes.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just CNN's invitation
to hold a debate on June twenty seventh.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
That's just in a few weeks.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
Wow, okay, June twenty seventh, Joe Biden is going to
be debating Donald Trump.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
Yay, I can't wait to watch like this.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
But yeah, everything moved so quickly. Biden dropped that video
and by noon they had scheduled two debates. It's amazing
how when they want to do something they can get
it done super fast. Kind of makes you wonder why
they don't fix other problems this fast.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
But whatever, you'll enjoy it now.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because
even though Joe Biden said make my day, he really
meant make my day subject to terms and conditions.
Speaker 10 (06:00):
The Biden campaign wants the debate to occur inside a
TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a
speaker's time limit ellapses, and they want it to be
just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous
in person audiences that mister Trump feeds on, and without
the participation of Robert F. Kennedy Junior or other independent
(06:24):
or third party candidates.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You
don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and
you don't want rfk Junior because you can't risk losing
to the guy with the brainworms. So they have to
work out the details. Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations,
and he might have demands of his own, like you know,
every candidate gets a get out of jail free card,
(06:49):
or the debate moderator has to be a lady and
she has to kiss them on the mouth like the
old family food. For more this looming presidential debate, we
go live to Michael Costa at CNN. Hydor Michael, how
(07:12):
are the candidates preparing?
Speaker 11 (07:14):
Both sides are buckling down DESI. President Biden is doing
his classic pre debate ritual of a glass of hot
tea and an IV full of methemphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's team
is teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete
with a sport so he'll be able to break out
of prison.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Okay, but Michael, is all this even necessary? And both
candidates have already been president, We're not going to learn
anything new about their policies.
Speaker 11 (07:40):
Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies.
It's about giving the American people a chance to see
which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fucked up body.
Neither of them are giving us any details about their
physical or mental health, so this is our only chance
to get them in a room together and see if
they can do presidential tasks like talk coherently for an
(08:03):
hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see
this less as a debate and more as a secret
medical exam.
Speaker 11 (08:15):
Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN
adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each
defend their tax policy while following this.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
Finger with their eyes.
Speaker 11 (08:30):
Or have them bend down and lift a five pound
kettlebell and see who breaks the least amount of bones.
Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if
either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply
just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health,
and whoever scores the highest gets to be president.
Speaker 11 (08:52):
Absolutely not, No, this is all a ruse. Once we
get Biden and Trump in a room together, we can
lock the door and the rest of us can sneak
out of America. Then then we start a new country
with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first kiss wasn't
in the backseat of a Model T.
Speaker 4 (09:14):
Michael.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Even if we could do that, at some point, Biden
and Trunk would find their way to this new country.
Speaker 11 (09:19):
Right maybe, but the only entrance will be through a
spiral staircase.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
So good luck.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
You thought of everything, seeing our New Nation Buddy, Michael
Kosta everyone. When we come back, we'll fight about newports
with out a.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Welcome next to day show. There's been a lot.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Of sports news recently, so for some thoughtful, nuanced debate,
we turned to Sports War.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Ready for better four Rotch five camp can it's been
really free money. What's up scrubs?
Speaker 12 (10:15):
I'm brodny Chat and I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War,
the show where we are legally not allowed to agree
with each other.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
That's right, I mean that's that's wrong. Yeah, no, you're wrong.
Speaker 12 (10:25):
Let's get right to the biggest story of the night.
Caitlyn Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets
a little less fun after college.
Speaker 6 (10:33):
Welcome to the WNBA.
Speaker 13 (10:34):
Caitlyn Clark, the NCAA's all time Division one scoring leader,
made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana
Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though,
missing her first four shots, before scoring on a layup
midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with twenty points
in the fevers ninety two to seventy one loss to
the Connecticut son She also committed ten turnovers.
Speaker 6 (10:58):
Sorry feminists, ten turnovers and a team lost by twenty
points in her first game. I've seen enough, man, I
think Kaitlyn Clock is the worst basketball player in history.
She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when
it matters. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA. I'm
gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene.
(11:19):
Let's look at the stats here, Roddie. Look at these things.
Speaker 12 (11:22):
She scored twenty points. That's four more than Michael Jordan
had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster,
and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
Speaker 6 (11:35):
Stetner. I have a stat right here for you. Okay,
look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until
he was thirty eight. Man, you're the good of whatever
that is.
Speaker 12 (11:44):
Okay, here's your stat right here each ship. Okay, moving on.
We are officially seventy two days away from the Olympics
in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Literally.
Speaker 14 (11:54):
There's a huge effort to get the River Tens hit
for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier
this month of the bacteria, including pollution a fecal origin
was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that
even a rainstorm could raise E coli to an unacceptable level,
and Olympic organizers still hope that the river sen can
(12:17):
be used for the swimming events.
Speaker 12 (12:20):
Ooh, the river Save is filled with E coli.
Speaker 6 (12:23):
That is gross.
Speaker 12 (12:24):
These athletes are going to pick up a disease at
the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way, unprotected
sex of the Olympic village, the only way to do it,
the only way to do.
Speaker 6 (12:33):
It usual Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E coli? Okay,
because if you're wall class athlete, then prove it by
pole vaulting with active diarrhea. You love you love, you
love ec love Ronnie, you love it.
Speaker 12 (12:48):
You look the last time I came to your house
for a barbecue, you were sprinkling ecoli on chicken kebab
like Salt Bay. You know your hospitality was for the birds, Roddy,
the birds two stars. I was puking all night.
Speaker 6 (12:58):
Yeah, well, ipew from just looking your oblong.
Speaker 14 (13:00):
Face, oblong face?
Speaker 15 (13:02):
Is that right?
Speaker 6 (13:02):
Is that how you say it?
Speaker 12 (13:03):
The point is just like the fourth of July at
Rodney's house. The Olympics are gonna be rife with e coli,
which brings us to j cleps Bet of the Week,
where you could pick which country will get the most
E coli in the twenty twenty bar Olympics brought to
you by gambling. Gambling, start spending. You've already won.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
Nah, don't forget to clean your twenty percent bonus boos
by enjoing the promo called Clipper Sucks All cats.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
I don't like that.
Speaker 12 (13:27):
I told you, I don't like that cut.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
It's not you. Okay, it's a different CLIs.
Speaker 12 (13:31):
Okay, that's fine. Then that's how just kidding is you?
Because he saw you? Okay, I suck. I suck you blow?
Speaker 6 (13:36):
Who cares? We're all dead inside.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Get over it.
Speaker 12 (13:38):
Let's talk about sports.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
All right.
Speaker 6 (13:40):
Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs
is in hot water and making the biggest mistake any
football player could make talking.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the
comments made by Kicker, Harris, and Bucker during the commencement
speech at Benedictine and Adjison.
Speaker 8 (13:56):
Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that
of a homemaker demanded that men be more masculine.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation
of men.
Speaker 6 (14:09):
Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker. Okay, yeah,
they're the football players with at least amount of brain damage,
and I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan,
for the first time in your life, someone on the
football team is speaking to you. You don't have to
wear that fake vosity jacket anymore. You're Ronnie. I told
you that in confidence.
Speaker 12 (14:29):
Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a
natural way to make friends. Anyway, This kicker thing, this
kicker thing, raises a larger problem. Why do we have
people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our
hands like Ronnie's mom.
Speaker 6 (14:44):
You know, just that strong, Jordan. You know my entire
family has a foot fetish. True, which brings us to
all bet everything wage of the evening, Which useless position
player will be the next to wade into the culture
war as always brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it
will fix everything.
Speaker 12 (15:03):
Oh, speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story.
Speaker 8 (15:08):
Prosecutors in Los Angeles a Showy. Otani's former interpreter has
agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost seventeen million dollars
from the La Dodger Superstar. The US Attorney's office say
Epe Masuara use the money to pay off gambling debts
and other personal expenses without Otani's knowledge.
Speaker 6 (15:27):
This interpreter stole seventeen million dollars from Oltani. That settles it.
Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't know the language,
you should just have to guess.
Speaker 12 (15:36):
Hard, disagree hard, disagree, Roddy. The problem is in interpreters.
It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.
Speaker 6 (15:44):
Oh, big surprise, of course, this is just English. That's
only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head,
the smallest brain.
Speaker 12 (15:52):
Or English English is going to be the dominant global
language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking
of the major league language here. Why would I go
back to Triple A and learn Finnish Finish.
Speaker 6 (16:04):
That'sn't even a real language, you dumbasted.
Speaker 12 (16:06):
It is what they speak Againada, Ronnie, read a book,
all right, but do it on your own time. Because
we are onto the big bet of the night. Is
this O Tai story yet another sign that America's normalization
of gambling its corroding society brought to you by gambling.
Remember gambling, bet now live forever. Well, we're out of time.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Joined us.
Speaker 12 (16:29):
Next time on Sports War, we'll be debating Michael Jordan
versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract e coli,
not America gambling?
Speaker 6 (16:38):
Okay, here am I.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
You're my three favorite languages that I I'm never gonna
learn how to speak.
Speaker 9 (16:42):
I'm not gonna learn daily, never gonna.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Love the man.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
Yesternight is an Oscar nominated actor who's currently nominated for
a Tony for her role in Broadways Doubt a Parable.
She also stars in the Apple TV series Sugar. Please welcome, Amy.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
Ryan Sonny.
Speaker 13 (17:30):
You look sunny good.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Thank you, Thank you for being here. This is such
a treat. I'm such a fan of yours.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
It's a treat for me too.
Speaker 6 (17:37):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
My gosh, you've had so many iconic memorable roles. You
were in Gone Baby, Gone, the Office, the wire murders
in the building. I mean right, I don't know why
the standard is six degrees of Kevin Bacon. It should
be three degrees of amy. Ryan, You're in everything wo
(18:04):
and you're incredible on everything that you do. And congratulations
you were just nominated for your third Tony. Yes, thank you,
it's so well deserved. I got the chance to see you.
It was such a tree. You're exceptional in it. And
I heard that you stepped in with a week's notice.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
A week's notice.
Speaker 16 (18:28):
I got a phone call on a late Sunday night
to step in, and I said yes. In the following Tuesday,
I was white knuckling it on stage in a nun's habit,
trying to remember lies there.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
It was a wild ride, that is.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
It's such a brave thing to do to get that
call and be like, hey, can you be here tomorrow?
I need an answer immediately.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
It's braver crazy. I feel like you're so talented.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
You're one of the people that could actually be so
confident to be like I got this and you did.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
You were incredible.
Speaker 10 (19:00):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
I heard that as part of your preparation you slept
on an air mattress.
Speaker 16 (19:07):
It's not that I wanted to find the characters paining
through an air mattress. It's more that I I didn't
want to wake up my family because I was getting
up at five point thirty in the morning to study lines,
so I didn't want to wake my daughter before school,
so myself and the dog were on the aerobed.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
You're a good mama.
Speaker 6 (19:25):
I try.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
I slept on an air mattress. You cut out sugar, dairy,
and caffeine.
Speaker 16 (19:30):
Yeah, just to help the immune system, which I've since
been mainlining since the show's closed.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Of course, as you should.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Absolutely, I want to talk to you about this incredible show, Sugar, Yes,
that you're starring in.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
It feels like kind of an homage or a love
letter to all of.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
The classic noir gumshoe detective movies.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Were you a fan of those movies going into it?
Not really, but I.
Speaker 16 (19:57):
But I love that show spins it a bit. I mean,
I know my character is kind of the classic fem fatale,
but we pulled away from the you know, the woman
in distress and became she just was a strong friendship,
which you don't see between a male character and a
female character. You assume they're going to, you know, end
(20:19):
up rolling in bed by the first episode. But you know,
if you have Colin Farrell, why would you want to
roll in.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Bed, so you know, let's just be friends.
Speaker 6 (20:28):
Let's just be friends. The pain, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Yeah, so the restraint, the congratulations.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
You deserve an Emmy for the restriction to not jump
on Colin Farrell's belt.
Speaker 4 (20:39):
I don't know, I pro really are.
Speaker 16 (20:43):
You?
Speaker 3 (20:44):
So this show is on Apple? I'm curious. There's a massive,
massive twist.
Speaker 16 (20:50):
Yes, yes, don't read anything if you haven't watched it
in time that Apple has asked you to and you're
gonna binge it later on, Just stay away from anything
you read it.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Don't read any spoils. Yeah, it's a huge, huge twist.
Now I'm curious. Did Apple make you sign the same
nda that they made the guys that make their iPhones.
Speaker 16 (21:09):
Yeah, but then when I'd call home, I think the
Apple was picking up on all the scripts.
Speaker 15 (21:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:13):
You're always listening, always listening always.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
It's it's so remarkable that you went from playing this
like rock and roll ex rock and roll.
Speaker 4 (21:22):
Star addict immediately to the strictest nun.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Do you ever worry that you're just too versatile as
an actress, just simply too talented.
Speaker 16 (21:33):
I'm running out of hairdo it's all about hair?
Speaker 8 (21:36):
It really is you.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
You also have a movie that's coming out.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Soon Wolves, Yeah, in September, and it stars George Clooney
and Brad Pitt.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I've never heard of them. Who are these fresh faces,
huge careers ahead of them?
Speaker 16 (21:53):
Yeah, yeah, I'm really I would put put your money.
Speaker 4 (21:56):
On those guys.
Speaker 16 (21:57):
You're a betting woman.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
I bet you're gonna blow them out of the one.
I'm very excited.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Thank you, so thank you for having absolute delight. Stephen
Binale of Sugar airs May seventeenth on Apple TV plus
Amy Ryan Everywhere.
Speaker 4 (22:15):
It looks great. I'll be right.
Speaker 6 (22:31):
Tonight now here. It is your moment of Jane's in Nottingham.
What do you think of the painting?
Speaker 15 (22:37):
In one word, it's fall less that beginns with sea
and ends with t. It's not a regal child. It's
coming through a red neck because it looks like it's
been put on board. It's like two different paintings. Now,
why they want to pick somebody who don't know how
(22:59):
to paint and who's supposed to be an artist.
Speaker 9 (23:04):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy
Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
This has been a Comedy Central PODCASTOW
You're listening to Comedy centralow.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's
only Sorts for new It's the Daily Joke with your host,
Daisy Line.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I'm in atletic.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
We've got so much to talk about tonight. King Charles
gets haunted by his own portrait. Trump and Biden finally
set a date, and we find out which bacterial infection
is sponsoring the Olympics. So let's get into the headline.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Let's begin with.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege. It's been
one year since he was crowned Eldest Boy, and he just.
Speaker 4 (01:04):
Got the photos.
Speaker 5 (01:05):
Developed mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled
of King Charles. Take a look. It is the first
since his coronation. The oil on canvas work of art
features the King dressed in all red with a red background.
He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh Guards, but there's
also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
And tampons now.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits
of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often
painted with her beloved corgies. Compare that to Charles, who
looks like he was painted with her corgies. Once Christy
Nome was finished with I do like having the butterfly there.
Though it says I may be King of England, but
(01:58):
I still love that song that goes, come my Lady,
Come Come Malady, Yoma Buttafla, sugar Baby. It's a great song.
It's a really great song, still holds up. Now, clearly
this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback, but
King Charles swears that he loves the portrait, which probably
means he's having an affair with another portrait on the side.
(02:22):
But let's move on from a leader who struggled with
infidelity to a leader who has no problem with it
at all. Donald Trump, There's been a lot of news
on the campaign trail today, so let's get right into
another edition of Indecision twenty twenty four. It looks like
(02:45):
today was going to be a quiet day on the
campaign trail. It's Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day
off from his porn star hush money trial, which he
was going to spend trying to guess Milania's new phone number,
but his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans and
breaking news.
Speaker 6 (03:02):
Just moments ago, President Biden throws down the gauntlet and
frankly some shade to Donald Trump, challenging him to a debate.
Speaker 7 (03:09):
Donald Trump lost two debates to me in twenty twenty,
Sin said he hadn't shown up for debate. Now he's
acting like he wants to debate me again. Will make
my day, pal, I'll even do it twice. Let's pick
the dace.
Speaker 8 (03:21):
Donald.
Speaker 7 (03:21):
I hear you're free on Wednesdays, Shita.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Now that's the Joe Biden I know, and moderately like
he scared of nothing besides natural causes. I got to
admit there was part of me that thought Joe Biden
would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because you know,
debating involves a lot of talking and thinking and standing.
But whooa, the way that he powered through that fourteen
(03:53):
second video.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
Makes me think he's got this.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Now.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge. Now,
maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through
the trial and thought I can take this guy.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
We're on the same map schedule.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
But come on Trump skipped every primary debate like it
was for play. There's no way he's going to accept
Biden's challenge.
Speaker 9 (04:15):
The former president responded to that video this morning on
Truth Social saying, just tell me when.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
I'll be there.
Speaker 5 (04:21):
Let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 6 (04:23):
Oh shit, it's on.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Yeah, let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
Make my day. I see dead people.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
I want you to draw me like one of your
French girls. Wednesdays, we wear pink. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah,
we're making moves now. Biden and Trump have agreed to debate,
but they still need to agree on a date and
a host, and those logistics don't just come together within
(04:56):
forty five minutes.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just CNN's invitation
to hold a debate on June twenty seventh.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
That's just in a few weeks.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
Wow, okay, June twenty seventh, Joe Biden is going to
be debating Donald Trump.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
Yay, I can't wait to watch like this.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
But yeah, everything moved so quickly. Biden dropped that video
and by noon they had scheduled two debates. It's amazing
how when they want to do something they can get
it done super fast. Kind of makes you wonder why
they don't fix other problems this fast.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
But whatever, you'll enjoy it now.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because
even though Joe Biden said make my day, he really
meant make my day subject to terms and conditions.
Speaker 10 (06:00):
The Biden campaign wants the debate to occur inside a
TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a
speaker's time limit ellapses, and they want it to be
just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous
in person audiences that mister Trump feeds on, and without
the participation of Robert F. Kennedy Junior or other independent
(06:24):
or third party candidates.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You
don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and
you don't want rfk Junior because you can't risk losing
to the guy with the brainworms. So they have to
work out the details. Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations,
and he might have demands of his own, like you know,
every candidate gets a get out of jail free card,
(06:49):
or the debate moderator has to be a lady and
she has to kiss them on the mouth like the
old family food. For more this looming presidential debate, we
go live to Michael Costa at CNN. Hydor Michael, how
(07:12):
are the candidates preparing?
Speaker 11 (07:14):
Both sides are buckling down DESI. President Biden is doing
his classic pre debate ritual of a glass of hot
tea and an IV full of methemphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's team
is teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete
with a sport so he'll be able to break out
of prison.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Okay, but Michael, is all this even necessary? And both
candidates have already been president, We're not going to learn
anything new about their policies.
Speaker 11 (07:40):
Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies.
It's about giving the American people a chance to see
which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fucked up body.
Neither of them are giving us any details about their
physical or mental health, so this is our only chance
to get them in a room together and see if
they can do presidential tasks like talk coherently for an
(08:03):
hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see
this less as a debate and more as a secret
medical exam.
Speaker 11 (08:15):
Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN
adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each
defend their tax policy while following this.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
Finger with their eyes.
Speaker 11 (08:30):
Or have them bend down and lift a five pound
kettlebell and see who breaks the least amount of bones.
Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if
either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply
just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health,
and whoever scores the highest gets to be president.
Speaker 11 (08:52):
Absolutely not, No, this is all a ruse. Once we
get Biden and Trump in a room together, we can
lock the door and the rest of us can sneak
out of America. Then then we start a new country
with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first kiss wasn't
in the backseat of a Model T.
Speaker 4 (09:14):
Michael.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Even if we could do that, at some point, Biden
and Trunk would find their way to this new country.
Speaker 11 (09:19):
Right maybe, but the only entrance will be through a
spiral staircase.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
So good luck.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
You thought of everything, seeing our New Nation Buddy, Michael
Kosta everyone. When we come back, we'll fight about newports
with out a.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Welcome next to day show. There's been a lot.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Of sports news recently, so for some thoughtful, nuanced debate,
we turned to Sports War.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Ready for better four Rotch five camp can it's been
really free money. What's up scrubs?
Speaker 12 (10:15):
I'm brodny Chat and I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War,
the show where we are legally not allowed to agree
with each other.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
That's right, I mean that's that's wrong. Yeah, no, you're wrong.
Speaker 12 (10:25):
Let's get right to the biggest story of the night.
Caitlyn Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets
a little less fun after college.
Speaker 6 (10:33):
Welcome to the WNBA.
Speaker 13 (10:34):
Caitlyn Clark, the NCAA's all time Division one scoring leader,
made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana
Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though,
missing her first four shots, before scoring on a layup
midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with twenty points
in the fevers ninety two to seventy one loss to
the Connecticut son She also committed ten turnovers.
Speaker 6 (10:58):
Sorry feminists, ten turnovers and a team lost by twenty
points in her first game. I've seen enough, man, I
think Kaitlyn Clock is the worst basketball player in history.
She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when
it matters. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA. I'm
gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene.
(11:19):
Let's look at the stats here, Roddie. Look at these things.
Speaker 12 (11:22):
She scored twenty points. That's four more than Michael Jordan
had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster,
and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
Speaker 6 (11:35):
Stetner. I have a stat right here for you. Okay,
look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until
he was thirty eight. Man, you're the good of whatever
that is.
Speaker 12 (11:44):
Okay, here's your stat right here each ship. Okay, moving on.
We are officially seventy two days away from the Olympics
in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Literally.
Speaker 14 (11:54):
There's a huge effort to get the River Tens hit
for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier
this month of the bacteria, including pollution a fecal origin
was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that
even a rainstorm could raise E coli to an unacceptable level,
and Olympic organizers still hope that the river sen can
(12:17):
be used for the swimming events.
Speaker 12 (12:20):
Ooh, the river Save is filled with E coli.
Speaker 6 (12:23):
That is gross.
Speaker 12 (12:24):
These athletes are going to pick up a disease at
the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way, unprotected
sex of the Olympic village, the only way to do it,
the only way to do.
Speaker 6 (12:33):
It usual Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E coli? Okay,
because if you're wall class athlete, then prove it by
pole vaulting with active diarrhea. You love you love, you
love ec love Ronnie, you love it.
Speaker 12 (12:48):
You look the last time I came to your house
for a barbecue, you were sprinkling ecoli on chicken kebab
like Salt Bay. You know your hospitality was for the birds, Roddy,
the birds two stars. I was puking all night.
Speaker 6 (12:58):
Yeah, well, ipew from just looking your oblong.
Speaker 14 (13:00):
Face, oblong face?
Speaker 15 (13:02):
Is that right?
Speaker 6 (13:02):
Is that how you say it?
Speaker 12 (13:03):
The point is just like the fourth of July at
Rodney's house. The Olympics are gonna be rife with e coli,
which brings us to j cleps Bet of the Week,
where you could pick which country will get the most
E coli in the twenty twenty bar Olympics brought to
you by gambling. Gambling, start spending. You've already won.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
Nah, don't forget to clean your twenty percent bonus boos
by enjoing the promo called Clipper Sucks All cats.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
I don't like that.
Speaker 12 (13:27):
I told you, I don't like that cut.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
It's not you. Okay, it's a different CLIs.
Speaker 12 (13:31):
Okay, that's fine. Then that's how just kidding is you?
Because he saw you? Okay, I suck. I suck you blow?
Speaker 6 (13:36):
Who cares? We're all dead inside.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Get over it.
Speaker 12 (13:38):
Let's talk about sports.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
All right.
Speaker 6 (13:40):
Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs
is in hot water and making the biggest mistake any
football player could make talking.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the
comments made by Kicker, Harris, and Bucker during the commencement
speech at Benedictine and Adjison.
Speaker 8 (13:56):
Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that
of a homemaker demanded that men be more masculine.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation
of men.
Speaker 6 (14:09):
Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker. Okay, yeah,
they're the football players with at least amount of brain damage,
and I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan,
for the first time in your life, someone on the
football team is speaking to you. You don't have to
wear that fake vosity jacket anymore. You're Ronnie. I told
you that in confidence.
Speaker 12 (14:29):
Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a
natural way to make friends. Anyway, This kicker thing, this
kicker thing, raises a larger problem. Why do we have
people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our
hands like Ronnie's mom.
Speaker 6 (14:44):
You know, just that strong, Jordan. You know my entire
family has a foot fetish. True, which brings us to
all bet everything wage of the evening, Which useless position
player will be the next to wade into the culture
war as always brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it
will fix everything.
Speaker 12 (15:03):
Oh, speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story.
Speaker 8 (15:08):
Prosecutors in Los Angeles a Showy. Otani's former interpreter has
agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost seventeen million dollars
from the La Dodger Superstar. The US Attorney's office say
Epe Masuara use the money to pay off gambling debts
and other personal expenses without Otani's knowledge.
Speaker 6 (15:27):
This interpreter stole seventeen million dollars from Oltani. That settles it.
Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't know the language,
you should just have to guess.
Speaker 12 (15:36):
Hard, disagree hard, disagree, Roddy. The problem is in interpreters.
It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.
Speaker 6 (15:44):
Oh, big surprise, of course, this is just English. That's
only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head,
the smallest brain.
Speaker 12 (15:52):
Or English English is going to be the dominant global
language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking
of the major league language here. Why would I go
back to Triple A and learn Finnish Finish.
Speaker 6 (16:04):
That'sn't even a real language, you dumbasted.
Speaker 12 (16:06):
It is what they speak Againada, Ronnie, read a book,
all right, but do it on your own time. Because
we are onto the big bet of the night. Is
this O Tai story yet another sign that America's normalization
of gambling its corroding society brought to you by gambling.
Remember gambling, bet now live forever. Well, we're out of time.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Joined us.
Speaker 12 (16:29):
Next time on Sports War, we'll be debating Michael Jordan
versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract e coli,
not America gambling?
Speaker 6 (16:38):
Okay, here am I.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
You're my three favorite languages that I I'm never gonna
learn how to speak.
Speaker 9 (16:42):
I'm not gonna learn daily, never gonna.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Love the man.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
Yesternight is an Oscar nominated actor who's currently nominated for
a Tony for her role in Broadways Doubt a Parable.
She also stars in the Apple TV series Sugar. Please welcome, Amy.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
Ryan Sonny.
Speaker 13 (17:30):
You look sunny good.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Thank you, Thank you for being here. This is such
a treat. I'm such a fan of yours.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
It's a treat for me too.
Speaker 6 (17:37):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
My gosh, you've had so many iconic memorable roles. You
were in Gone Baby, Gone, the Office, the wire murders
in the building. I mean right, I don't know why
the standard is six degrees of Kevin Bacon. It should
be three degrees of amy. Ryan, You're in everything wo
(18:04):
and you're incredible on everything that you do. And congratulations
you were just nominated for your third Tony. Yes, thank you,
it's so well deserved. I got the chance to see you.
It was such a tree. You're exceptional in it. And
I heard that you stepped in with a week's notice.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
A week's notice.
Speaker 16 (18:28):
I got a phone call on a late Sunday night
to step in, and I said yes. In the following Tuesday,
I was white knuckling it on stage in a nun's habit,
trying to remember lies there.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
It was a wild ride, that is.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
It's such a brave thing to do to get that
call and be like, hey, can you be here tomorrow?
I need an answer immediately.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
It's braver crazy. I feel like you're so talented.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
You're one of the people that could actually be so
confident to be like I got this and you did.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
You were incredible.
Speaker 10 (19:00):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
I heard that as part of your preparation you slept
on an air mattress.
Speaker 16 (19:07):
It's not that I wanted to find the characters paining
through an air mattress. It's more that I I didn't
want to wake up my family because I was getting
up at five point thirty in the morning to study lines,
so I didn't want to wake my daughter before school,
so myself and the dog were on the aerobed.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
You're a good mama.
Speaker 6 (19:25):
I try.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
I slept on an air mattress. You cut out sugar, dairy,
and caffeine.
Speaker 16 (19:30):
Yeah, just to help the immune system, which I've since
been mainlining since the show's closed.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Of course, as you should.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Absolutely, I want to talk to you about this incredible show, Sugar, Yes,
that you're starring in.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
It feels like kind of an homage or a love
letter to all of.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
The classic noir gumshoe detective movies.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Were you a fan of those movies going into it?
Not really, but I.
Speaker 16 (19:57):
But I love that show spins it a bit. I mean,
I know my character is kind of the classic fem fatale,
but we pulled away from the you know, the woman
in distress and became she just was a strong friendship,
which you don't see between a male character and a
female character. You assume they're going to, you know, end
(20:19):
up rolling in bed by the first episode. But you know,
if you have Colin Farrell, why would you want to
roll in.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Bed, so you know, let's just be friends.
Speaker 6 (20:28):
Let's just be friends. The pain, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Yeah, so the restraint, the congratulations.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
You deserve an Emmy for the restriction to not jump
on Colin Farrell's belt.
Speaker 4 (20:39):
I don't know, I pro really are.
Speaker 16 (20:43):
You?
Speaker 3 (20:44):
So this show is on Apple? I'm curious. There's a massive,
massive twist.
Speaker 16 (20:50):
Yes, yes, don't read anything if you haven't watched it
in time that Apple has asked you to and you're
gonna binge it later on, Just stay away from anything
you read it.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Don't read any spoils. Yeah, it's a huge, huge twist.
Now I'm curious. Did Apple make you sign the same
nda that they made the guys that make their iPhones.
Speaker 16 (21:09):
Yeah, but then when I'd call home, I think the
Apple was picking up on all the scripts.
Speaker 15 (21:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:13):
You're always listening, always listening always.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
It's it's so remarkable that you went from playing this
like rock and roll ex rock and roll.
Speaker 4 (21:22):
Star addict immediately to the strictest nun.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Do you ever worry that you're just too versatile as
an actress, just simply too talented.
Speaker 16 (21:33):
I'm running out of hairdo it's all about hair?
Speaker 8 (21:36):
It really is you.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
You also have a movie that's coming out.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Soon Wolves, Yeah, in September, and it stars George Clooney
and Brad Pitt.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I've never heard of them. Who are these fresh faces,
huge careers ahead of them?
Speaker 16 (21:53):
Yeah, yeah, I'm really I would put put your money.
Speaker 4 (21:56):
On those guys.
Speaker 16 (21:57):
You're a betting woman.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
I bet you're gonna blow them out of the one.
I'm very excited.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Thank you, so thank you for having absolute delight. Stephen
Binale of Sugar airs May seventeenth on Apple TV plus
Amy Ryan Everywhere.
Speaker 4 (22:15):
It looks great. I'll be right.
Speaker 6 (22:31):
Tonight now here. It is your moment of Jane's in Nottingham.
What do you think of the painting?
Speaker 15 (22:37):
In one word, it's fall less that beginns with sea
and ends with t. It's not a regal child. It's
coming through a red neck because it looks like it's
been put on board. It's like two different paintings. Now,
why they want to pick somebody who don't know how
(22:59):
to paint and who's supposed to be an artist.
Speaker 9 (23:04):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy
Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
This has been a Comedy Central PODCASTOW
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