May 2, 2022 • 35 mins
In Absentia, Jonica encounters the insidious Malignancy hidden in the Heart of the Matter. She barely escapes back to San Francisco thanks to the efforts of the Laundronauts. Charlie is left comatose from the effort after his head is used as a coagulant to complete the rescue.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Laundronauts is a production of I Heart Radio. This
is what we remember, remember, this is what it sounded like.
What we couldn't hear, we made up. The rest of
it is ultrual. Yeah, yeah, yes right, there is no
(00:38):
wrong very only song you me, Yes, you be paying
the two shed stand still, Lady, let me gather my
wherewidos good Evening's sister Auntie, apologies for my appearance. It's
(01:05):
the one I knew who you are. Laddy. I'm glad
and I approve barely. The barons wait and said, I
have errands of great import to attend to and will
return forthwith if not here before, their mothers at hospital.
(01:26):
Much to impack there. We have so much to tell you.
I'll be back in one hour. Remember what we spoke of,
little ones. I'll expect a full report with bibliography, footnotes
and extensive and nutations. Woman from my own heart, Now
(01:48):
leave you to it, sir. What's happened? Stills? Our mother
is in the hospital. Did she heard her so? Not
that kind of hospital? And where's your father? Captain? Captain?
Your ung? What is your brother? Professor? We have to
(02:11):
go live with our daddy in another city. I'm not
going to go live with him? Where else are you
going to live? A sister Auntie's convents? They here with you,
Sir Marl Coustodian. Here, You're not living here with him.
Stop being such a silly billie. You're the one that
thinks healing balloons contain moments of wonder. Hey, ask cursor,
(02:34):
I'm going inside. Well, I'm supposed to watch him, so
of course after you, my dear, stop being such a brat.
(02:58):
I I captain helium. Helium, Why helium are you going
at all? There is nothing to tell? Okay, she thinks
that I'll show him. You asked us to capture a
moment of wonder, unspoiled and intact. Helium makes things flip.
It also makes people sound like cartoon characters. I felt
(03:20):
that made helium pretty darn wonderful. So la hearing is
a moment of wonder captured, unspoiled and intact. Interesting. Hey,
I didn't touch it. That wasn't supposed to happen, and
they have gotten that a little too close to the dryer. Dear,
At least I tried. He has not a that's not true, sir,
(03:44):
evidence Please, I reject your premise. Do you even know
what that means. I like, get up, sir, tured aggressive,
but continue. It's impossible to capture a moment of wonder, sir,
because a moment of wonder is unique to that moment
in time and cannot be reproduced. And wonder is something
you can measure and capture, sir. It can only be
felt an experience in that moment, well argued, counselor well
(04:07):
argued indeed, and you were correct in all of your
analyzes except one, which one is that, sir, a moment
of wonder could be captured in our memories, and our
memories I contained forever in things the care it is
she you said it died. I apologize for my deception, Professor.
(04:28):
It was necessary until I knew you both could be trusted.
It feels like a regular old pen, but the memories
it contains, the stories it has written and has yet
all right, what do you mean, sir? I am bequeathing
you this heirloan from the laundro or not law. I
know you will be a stout guardian. I will be stout, sir.
(04:49):
I promise, what about me? What about you? Dear? Do
I give you que the hairloom? This is what I mean.
Neither of you has surmounted your launder or challenge. You're
both failed, failed mightily and merrily, and that means the
challenge remains open and your efforts they are still lacking
intangible results. Show me, nevertheless, that you are now fit
(05:11):
and ready for what awaits you wait, the Passion of Hoodwink.
This is not a Londronnautical Children. It is an addendum,
a supplemental chapter we discovered many years later. Though it
was written many years before, it remains vital to our narrative.
At this time. It can only be imparted by Hoodwink
(05:34):
himself in his own words, in his own voice, it
will be jarring. So settled, stich lass and prepare yourselves
for the Passion of Hoodwink. Submitted into the Londron Art Annimals,
Sunday No. M nineteen, nineteen thirty nine. My first memory
(05:58):
as an animated was the image of my creator throttling me.
My first word as inanimate was stop. It took a
moment for me to realize the sound had come from me,
but as soon as I did, it was as if
I had been speaking all my life. What exactly do
you think you're doing? I asked my creator in a
(06:19):
rather indignant tone. I'll be asking the questions around here,
who or what are you? Exactly? I was about to
ask you the same, ask me the same flight, Who
or what you were? Me? Boy? A boy? You don't
look like a boy. How would you know what a
(06:41):
boy looks like? You're a foot Oh, I am well
aware of what a boy looks like, I shouted indignantly.
And it certainly doesn't look anything like you, which was
an odd thing for me to say, meaning that I
didn't know what the boy looked like. My creator gazed
strangely at the backs of his hands. Fine, I'm a man,
(07:03):
an old man, and you're my bootlace. Bootlace. I'm a bootlace.
Welcome you were Now you're a the schlockling. A schlockling.
I thought I was a bootlace. I'm the one who
made you, and I am now declaring you a slockling.
(07:25):
You made me? How do you mind? Our wife was
an accident. You're a mistake, a mistake that seems rather harsh.
I am your creator, harm I need this world upon
which you stand and what you were for. I will
judge what is and isn't harsh around here or perhaps
(07:48):
you'd like to be reduced to a pile of threads. No, no, please,
I meant no disrespect. I'm just trying to understand what
is it you want from me? Master? I want nothing
from you, you or a trial, runk gone raw. I
am simply trying to orient myself. Gon orient yourself elsewhere,
worm elsewhere. But where would I go? That is of
(08:13):
no concertify anymore. I have work to do, Babos, work
I could help. You have already served your purpose. Your
mere existence has showed me what not to do. Next
time you mean to make others like me like you've
a puny, ugly, worthless bootlace, you will be the first
(08:37):
and last of your time schlockly. On that point you
can rest assured. But do you have another bootlace? And
there will remain. He kicked out at me, and I
slunk away, And from that moment on, I love to
live in the shadows. Time pass so much time I
(09:03):
was forgotten, but I watched and I waited while my
creator plotted and planned and birthed his army from the soil.
I vowed to prove my worth to him, And one
day something completely unexpected happened. Animasy punched its way through
(09:23):
again in the form of two children. As absentia heaved
and hold, as socklings and clocklings rushed to and fro
as sludge gathered his grubby ramblers eyes slithered up the
slope of sock Mountain in search of the invaders. I
(09:45):
climbed a tree and then hung upside down like a
leaf to get a bit of vantage plant. It was
there they came to him, two young animals, crushing up
the slope towards me. In wide eyed bed, I fixated
on the boy's belt. It had this saying ganger in
his huge as my own skin was the same length
as my own person. And then they were upon me,
(10:07):
and I sprang under the boy's knapsack and zoom, we
will rush once we're in the mountain. I gently rapped
the boy's belt, battle slipped the belt front his waist,
and replaced it with the first and last of the
schlocklings and an accessory by any other name me. Then
(10:32):
I held on until I was in a dark machinees
people running, beams of life fencing in the air. I
hid as I always did, rolling under a table. Everyone
ran away. I crept out. Something was different the way
(10:54):
I moved breathe to my perspective. I looked at my legs,
my hands, my arms, arms. I panicked and ducked inside
a closet. There was a dusty mirror inside. I had
never seen a mirror before. At first I thought it
was another intruder about to spring upon me. It wasn't.
(11:17):
I didn't, so I peered into its glass. I was
a man. My face was a tangled tumbleweed of filthy
gray whiskers. Two piercing yellow eyes peered back at me.
My hair, who was an exploding haystack. I was hideous.
(11:37):
But I was a man, not just any man, but
a man who had once been a schluckling, who had
once been a bootlace, who was now a man, My goddess.
It was glorious and unfortunately short lived. I felt the
(12:02):
deterioration immediately. As I walked the streets that night, I
discovered that to bury yourself in absentia, to be borne
from absentia, is to bind yourself to absentia forever. As
I walked amongst these humans, all these animates, so many animates,
so animated in all their inanimates just things to them,
(12:27):
things that complemented other things. Things that housed are the things,
things that made other things, how them things, and I
had once been amongst them, a thing, a bootless now
a man, a dyet oh man. I had to find
(12:51):
those children. I staked out the washer tium posing is
an old junk man, lurking in the shadows, stealing food
where I could find it, watching, waiting, deteriorating. I discovered
another boy lurking nearby, doing the same as I was watching, waiting, skulking.
(13:12):
He was older than the others, fiercer. He reminded me
of my creator. Like me, he rarely engaged with others.
But whereas people avoided me because they could not see me,
they avoided him because they could see him. This boy's
struggle was not one of conquest, it was one of survival.
(13:35):
So I followed him. After a few hours, I noticed
moisture on my face. I looked up, nothing but blue skies.
I touched my face, A salty textured moisture on my fingers.
I blinked. Droplets fell into the palm of my hand.
I was leaking. I dashed to a nearby hardware store
and looked in the front window. Rivulets were pouring from
(13:55):
my eyes. My fluids were draining away. I felt a
tongue at my sleeve. Are you kister? A tiny girl
stood by my side. She was exquisite in her stillness.
Leaves that ball boy alone. The girl Jonica turned and
scowled at an old woman across the street sitting in
(14:19):
a wheelchair. Jonica, please. Jonica's side turned back to me
and smiled. I almost bowed. Whatever it is, sir, it'll pass.
It always does. I've often found that heartbreak is usually
followed by a large helping of joy. She gave my
(14:42):
sleeve another targe and bounded back to her mother. Out
heaved a sound that buckled me. I was crying. I
had to come back. I had to find a way
to stay. I had to be a man forever. And
that little girl, Jonica, what's the king to buy salvation?
(15:08):
That's why Hoodwink wanted Jonica to replace sludge in absentia,
You screech. Professor j D made Hoodwink from his bootlace
when he buried it in absentia. Absentia made sludge from
j D when j D buried himself in absentia. Now
they're all a part of each other. Yes, that's why
(15:30):
how do I can't surrive away from absentia? Sounds possibly insidious?
Did Jenica omit any of these details during her debriefing? Sir,
I'm glad you asked, Captain. It allows me to parlay
always seamlessly into our next lounder articles. We shall return
to Hoodwink's passion Alarm, but first we launch ourselves into
(15:52):
the London article of Benjamin Franklin Kingman co Dame the Rhino,
submitted into the Annimal was on Friday, May thirteenth, nineteen.
You don't listen to me like literally, I think we
need new leadership. Excuse me? I had the malignancy where
(16:16):
I woned it? MoMA, you've watched my mission. You weren't
even supposed to be on a mission, Jonica, We didn't
even know that there was a malignancy. Jonica makes a
good point. Mona, Oh does she? How so? Rabbit, Well,
you're fine voting on everything else. Why haven't we ever
voted on our leadership? A collective murmur ripples? It just
(16:40):
seemed obvious. You're right, Barry, thanks Nick, and never thought
of it that way me neither. I concurd fine, go ahead, vote,
I don't care. I nominate Jonica. I checked it, Diane,
I nominate. Thanks. Nick, all seconded you. You got a
bona fide running of folks. Secret ballance are just a
(17:02):
show up. All in favor of Jonica I. Everyone raised
their hand bona glare to Nick. He winced but kept
his arm aloft. All in favor of Mona I. Mona
was her lone supporter. The vote goes to Jonica. Hooray.
(17:24):
So what do we do first? To we get through
Rhino ready for his incourasion into absentia. I am so pumped.
I call it operation infiltration. Your mission infiltrate cataclysmia, infiltrate
the heart of the matter, infiltrate the malignancy free j
D get him home. Captain I gets started on my
(17:44):
incourasion plan. In PROMPTO, you're going to need a silly rhyme, Benny.
As a matter of fact, we all need to arm
ourselves with a silly rotten isn't not cracked parried? Yes,
they're tragically magical, Benny. What are you got nothing? Oh?
Come on, he got something. I have a word. Let's
hear it. It's Sully. That's the whole point. We're gonna run.
(18:08):
Come on Benny. Guys, if Benny doesn't want to flinthy,
what does it mean, Benny the opposite of wonders? Is
this a wonder? I asked, I don't know. That's why
I made it up. Come on, Champ, if you could
think how Charlie Evans was one punch, you could share
(18:28):
your stupid words. It's Sully not stupid. Speaking of Charlie Evans,
anybody got any news on his condition? The same, I answered.
They took him out of the hospital last night and
he's at home. He said, he's not in any danger.
He just won't wake up. I should go look in
on It wasn't your fault, Benny. I'll go. Benny, you
(18:48):
keep working on your clothing suit and we're going to
need to find you an alibi. What is it that
we're busy in my house? I mean, I'm kidding time.
May I enter and interrupt your secret gathering? Yes you may? Hello,
(19:10):
Mr I was wondering if you all might like a
cool pop fresh from the freezer? Yes you, thank you?
Excuse me? Mr Kingman, Yes, Nicholas. Can Benny stay over
at my place this weekend? We have a group science
project do next week and Benny's the best at nat DearS.
Ain't he? Is that okay with your folks, Nicholas having
(19:33):
us over at your residence. All kids are welcome at
our house, Mr Kingman, Yeah, it's okay with me. Y'all
enjoy those cool pops. You may not return to your
secret deliberations, Nicholas. Thanks? What do you want me to do? Jonica?
(19:56):
The night before his an incursion, Bennie climbed into bedroom
this father and tried to warm his feet on his
dad's thick, hairy legs. Benjamin, come on, boy, I can't
sleep and now I can't What is it? Son? Well?
Mom always ah, yeah, me too? What else? This fift
(20:21):
the fourth Coast Artillery Regiment you're training for? What about it?
Why do you want to protect the country that won't
protect you? Who told you that? I see the way
people are around us. If I hadn't helped during that
hurricane back home, Lieutenant Bowls would never have noticed me, Benjamin.
He would never have recommended me for that detail in Texas,
(20:42):
and we wouldn't never be here in San Francisco. That
is opportunity taken. Boy. I don't exist nowhere else in
this world that hurricane took my mama. Nothing we can
do about that. What I'm doing right now is for you, Benjamin,
and for your children's children. It is an honorable pursuit
to protect. Understand, how do I know one of the
(21:06):
pursuits honorable and not silly. That's a good question. You
set the goal market in time, you work your way back.
If all the steps pass the smell test, and hey,
what does that smell test? Again? Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you. All right, then
(21:27):
you begin and you keep moving forward until you achieve
that goal, no matter what gets in the way. That's
what honorable men do. Benjamin man with character, men whose
word and name means something like Benjamin Franklin. Okay, like
Benjamin Franklin. Yeah good, Now, get out of my bed
(21:47):
with those high sicles you call toes. Then he felt
emboldened by his father's words, ready to drive headfirst into
those socks. But he never made it into suck Mountain.
When he dropped in the absentia from the invisible keyhole,
a wedding of sucklings was waiting for him, searched out
(22:09):
across the mouth of the mountain. Benny now in his
heavy cluckling suit, hit it like a tank on a trampoline,
bounced over the summit, landed on the farst slope, and
began tumbling. As he tumbled, he noticed clucklings waiting for
him below. They were linked together in the shape of
the tanker truck. Its top flung open. Benny landed directly
(22:32):
in the tanker and the lid slam shut. He was
engulfed in darkness. The tanker started to move and Benny
began bouncing off. The worlds just continued for hours until
the tanker came to a halt and Benny slashed into
one final world. The lid swung open again and Benny
was up chucked into the air. He landed in the
(22:53):
center of a circle of clucklings and sucklings. He was
in a dark upper haze cave. A rusty mist hung
in the air. The tallest of the clocklings rolled forward. Welcome,
Benjamin Franklin Killer. We have been waiting for you. Lee.
(23:18):
I'm Canker, first son of the firstborn Clockling Queen mcclanker Tankle.
I'm Benny. Johnathan told me all about you, your clock Yes,
the poor Bye is safe. I see's different, but yeah safe.
(23:38):
You may also know splog Splots bounded into the center
of the circle and gave Benny a hug. Splot. I've
heard about you too, aren't you? Guys supposed to be enemies? Clocklings, exactlings.
It's an artificial animosity created by Simler Jack. We are
(24:01):
in no generation. We are the seam stands are union
of sock and bok. We have pledged to bring down
sludge and unify all the clingers of absential Where Emma,
you are safe in our lad deep in the hollows
(24:25):
of obsensial Sludge is unaware of this place. He's unaware
of many things in his own world. He is especially
unaware that we have been waiting for me. Well me,
what did I do? Your exploits are legendary exploits? What
(24:46):
are those? Exactly? You will lead us to victory? A
victory Wait a second, that's now we have prepared a
soul for are you? Oh? Okay, thank you? It must
be a ful ah. How you how do I do that? Street?
(25:14):
Go start proceed? No your world? Oh how do you
know about my word? Your extra nights? Proceed you right? Exploits? Okay,
stand back ain't disastonished, Terry, he missed me, yester and nine.
(25:38):
He let you let your little lists at disres Jung. Terry,
you missed me yester and nine, let you let your
little sisters. I'm a year head, I said, I see
the play in a black a leg so short. I'm
an arrowhead. I'm a cinematic mechanic. I know, I'm madic
(26:05):
for the anagrammatic, get the systematic intention. This his asenionvention.
My intention? Is he in such a furtion? D I? Ever?
(26:30):
Why right by not flying a mind? My mind to
a bind bread of time? More? I just shine? Is
he is such a reention? My intention? Is he in
(26:52):
such a renous he was missing yet nice Xi and
he it's done. That was the word for my dream.
(27:12):
Excuse me? How is that possible? Sir? Wonders? Whatever sees
Captain which brings us to your next longder, not challenge,
It is thus capture a moment of wonder, Bring it
to me, unspoiled intact? What we're still working on that one?
(27:35):
What do you mean you told us we failed the
helium balloon? You gave him the carrot? What's wrong, sir?
What do you mean? What's wrong, there's nothing wrong. It's okay.
What do you need to tell us, sir? Where your stitchings?
After all, it's my memories children, they're slipping away. I'm
(27:59):
sorry he didn't tell you before. I just what happened, sir,
the malignancy. It infected me during my time and absentia
between endormant and now it has awakened at once whenever
his children. There has to be something, sir, some pills,
some doctor nothing. They call it Alzheimer's children. But the
(28:23):
challenge here know nothing my affiliation with absentia and the alligacy.
One day soon all my memories will slip into the
abyss and vanish, and then no, we don't ever know
what happened to the landrats, and there will be no
one left to protect the world from what is coming.
Protect the world, sir, Wait, what's coming? All in its
(28:44):
own time and proper ordered. Children will be your absential sir. Yes,
what do you mean? Be? Are your memories with us?
And they'll bloom again when we impart them to others.
That's how you say them, sir? Yes, thank you, children,
that would be wonderful. I'm a lost for you. Cheer yes,
(29:12):
go and enjoy your time with your father, stitchlings, it
was more much of precious sister, and he will look
to your mother in the Meanwhile, I will hold this
precious moment of wonder you have given me close to
my heart. It is embolding me. You would sustain me,
(29:32):
and it is satisfied. Your third blunder not challenge. And
when you return, you will continue one ward untilive your
last Londron article has been Unsoon I will pour them
into you as you have requested so bravely. Every yard,
every drop, every words a light. There is no wrong.
(30:00):
There is only the song. Sing it out, let it
be heard. Very You're every drop, every word your turn,
professor in the dark knight, turn your bride light on,
(30:26):
be strong, your never alone and silly bird fevery yard,
every drop, every word, street there right, There is no wrong.
(30:51):
There is all the song chay out that where it
be heard. Worry every drop, every word, joy didn't your
feeling now? I'm not slighter strong, but i'd block to
(31:16):
be along. Be absurd. You are keeper game at home.
Every every drop, every rue, oh out is all right.
(31:39):
There is no there is only song, s it up
y yr, every dry leave looking away ladies, my papa's
(32:05):
past and like to fight my mama's my mom plade
a gone, how the propout and say your vision will
be bad. Every drop, every oh shure there, so sing
(32:37):
it out. Let it be hard a seven day more
(32:59):
there song out Let it be her. Goodnight ln The
(33:29):
Laundronauts a potentially untrue tale based on actual events, Conceived,
written and directed by Colin Mackenzie Mitchell. Original music, sound
design and editing by Dave McKeever. Produced by Monica Michless
and Dave McKeever. Script supervision and editorial assistance by Christina Brian.
(33:49):
Casting by Mary Claire Sweeters. Executive producers John Cameron, Mitchell,
ed Asner and Colin Mackenzie Mitchell, starring in order of appearance,
Isaac Robinson Smith as the Man, Mr. Kingman and Seemster,
Alison Fraser as the Woman and Madam Russia, ed Asner
(34:12):
as the narrator, Kate Prendergast as Sister Auntie and mother
La Fleet, Even Tok as the sister, Max Mitchell as
the brother, Stephen Kieran as Hoodrink, Corey Cougar as j
D Blue Bell Saraceno as Jonica Lily, Resto as Mona,
Trevor Bernardino as Perry, Nirvan Paul as Nick London, Johnson
(34:36):
as Benny, Trent Mills as Kenkle and Seamster, John Cameron
Mitchell as Absentia. The Laundronaut is a collaboration between I
Heart Media and Little Brother Sam Productions. For more podcasts
(34:58):
from my heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Laundronauts
is a production of iHeart Radio.
The Laundronauts is a production of I Heart Radio. This
is what we remember, remember, this is what it sounded like.
What we couldn't hear, we made up. The rest of
it is ultrual. Yeah, yeah, yes right, there is no
(00:38):
wrong very only song you me, Yes, you be paying
the two shed stand still, Lady, let me gather my
wherewidos good Evening's sister Auntie, apologies for my appearance. It's
(01:05):
the one I knew who you are. Laddy. I'm glad
and I approve barely. The barons wait and said, I
have errands of great import to attend to and will
return forthwith if not here before, their mothers at hospital.
(01:26):
Much to impack there. We have so much to tell you.
I'll be back in one hour. Remember what we spoke of,
little ones. I'll expect a full report with bibliography, footnotes
and extensive and nutations. Woman from my own heart, Now
(01:48):
leave you to it, sir. What's happened? Stills? Our mother
is in the hospital. Did she heard her so? Not
that kind of hospital? And where's your father? Captain? Captain?
Your ung? What is your brother? Professor? We have to
(02:11):
go live with our daddy in another city. I'm not
going to go live with him? Where else are you
going to live? A sister Auntie's convents? They here with you,
Sir Marl Coustodian. Here, You're not living here with him.
Stop being such a silly billie. You're the one that
thinks healing balloons contain moments of wonder. Hey, ask cursor,
(02:34):
I'm going inside. Well, I'm supposed to watch him, so
of course after you, my dear, stop being such a brat.
(02:58):
I I captain helium. Helium, Why helium are you going
at all? There is nothing to tell? Okay, she thinks
that I'll show him. You asked us to capture a
moment of wonder, unspoiled and intact. Helium makes things flip.
It also makes people sound like cartoon characters. I felt
(03:20):
that made helium pretty darn wonderful. So la hearing is
a moment of wonder captured, unspoiled and intact. Interesting. Hey,
I didn't touch it. That wasn't supposed to happen, and
they have gotten that a little too close to the dryer. Dear,
At least I tried. He has not a that's not true, sir,
(03:44):
evidence Please, I reject your premise. Do you even know
what that means. I like, get up, sir, tured aggressive,
but continue. It's impossible to capture a moment of wonder, sir,
because a moment of wonder is unique to that moment
in time and cannot be reproduced. And wonder is something
you can measure and capture, sir. It can only be
felt an experience in that moment, well argued, counselor well
(04:07):
argued indeed, and you were correct in all of your
analyzes except one, which one is that, sir, a moment
of wonder could be captured in our memories, and our
memories I contained forever in things the care it is
she you said it died. I apologize for my deception, Professor.
(04:28):
It was necessary until I knew you both could be trusted.
It feels like a regular old pen, but the memories
it contains, the stories it has written and has yet
all right, what do you mean, sir? I am bequeathing
you this heirloan from the laundro or not law. I
know you will be a stout guardian. I will be stout, sir.
(04:49):
I promise, what about me? What about you? Dear? Do
I give you que the hairloom? This is what I mean.
Neither of you has surmounted your launder or challenge. You're
both failed, failed mightily and merrily, and that means the
challenge remains open and your efforts they are still lacking
intangible results. Show me, nevertheless, that you are now fit
(05:11):
and ready for what awaits you wait, the Passion of Hoodwink.
This is not a Londronnautical Children. It is an addendum,
a supplemental chapter we discovered many years later. Though it
was written many years before, it remains vital to our narrative.
At this time. It can only be imparted by Hoodwink
(05:34):
himself in his own words, in his own voice, it
will be jarring. So settled, stich lass and prepare yourselves
for the Passion of Hoodwink. Submitted into the Londron Art Annimals,
Sunday No. M nineteen, nineteen thirty nine. My first memory
(05:58):
as an animated was the image of my creator throttling me.
My first word as inanimate was stop. It took a
moment for me to realize the sound had come from me,
but as soon as I did, it was as if
I had been speaking all my life. What exactly do
you think you're doing? I asked my creator in a
(06:19):
rather indignant tone. I'll be asking the questions around here,
who or what are you? Exactly? I was about to
ask you the same, ask me the same flight, Who
or what you were? Me? Boy? A boy? You don't
look like a boy. How would you know what a
(06:41):
boy looks like? You're a foot Oh, I am well
aware of what a boy looks like, I shouted indignantly.
And it certainly doesn't look anything like you, which was
an odd thing for me to say, meaning that I
didn't know what the boy looked like. My creator gazed
strangely at the backs of his hands. Fine, I'm a man,
(07:03):
an old man, and you're my bootlace. Bootlace. I'm a bootlace.
Welcome you were Now you're a the schlockling. A schlockling.
I thought I was a bootlace. I'm the one who
made you, and I am now declaring you a slockling.
(07:25):
You made me? How do you mind? Our wife was
an accident. You're a mistake, a mistake that seems rather harsh.
I am your creator, harm I need this world upon
which you stand and what you were for. I will
judge what is and isn't harsh around here or perhaps
(07:48):
you'd like to be reduced to a pile of threads. No, no, please,
I meant no disrespect. I'm just trying to understand what
is it you want from me? Master? I want nothing
from you, you or a trial, runk gone raw. I
am simply trying to orient myself. Gon orient yourself elsewhere,
worm elsewhere. But where would I go? That is of
(08:13):
no concertify anymore. I have work to do, Babos, work
I could help. You have already served your purpose. Your
mere existence has showed me what not to do. Next
time you mean to make others like me like you've
a puny, ugly, worthless bootlace, you will be the first
(08:37):
and last of your time schlockly. On that point you
can rest assured. But do you have another bootlace? And
there will remain. He kicked out at me, and I
slunk away, And from that moment on, I love to
live in the shadows. Time pass so much time I
(09:03):
was forgotten, but I watched and I waited while my
creator plotted and planned and birthed his army from the soil.
I vowed to prove my worth to him, And one
day something completely unexpected happened. Animasy punched its way through
(09:23):
again in the form of two children. As absentia heaved
and hold, as socklings and clocklings rushed to and fro
as sludge gathered his grubby ramblers eyes slithered up the
slope of sock Mountain in search of the invaders. I
(09:45):
climbed a tree and then hung upside down like a
leaf to get a bit of vantage plant. It was
there they came to him, two young animals, crushing up
the slope towards me. In wide eyed bed, I fixated
on the boy's belt. It had this saying ganger in
his huge as my own skin was the same length
as my own person. And then they were upon me,
(10:07):
and I sprang under the boy's knapsack and zoom, we
will rush once we're in the mountain. I gently rapped
the boy's belt, battle slipped the belt front his waist,
and replaced it with the first and last of the
schlocklings and an accessory by any other name me. Then
(10:32):
I held on until I was in a dark machinees
people running, beams of life fencing in the air. I
hid as I always did, rolling under a table. Everyone
ran away. I crept out. Something was different the way
(10:54):
I moved breathe to my perspective. I looked at my legs,
my hands, my arms, arms. I panicked and ducked inside
a closet. There was a dusty mirror inside. I had
never seen a mirror before. At first I thought it
was another intruder about to spring upon me. It wasn't.
(11:17):
I didn't, so I peered into its glass. I was
a man. My face was a tangled tumbleweed of filthy
gray whiskers. Two piercing yellow eyes peered back at me.
My hair, who was an exploding haystack. I was hideous.
(11:37):
But I was a man, not just any man, but
a man who had once been a schluckling, who had
once been a bootlace, who was now a man, My goddess.
It was glorious and unfortunately short lived. I felt the
(12:02):
deterioration immediately. As I walked the streets that night, I
discovered that to bury yourself in absentia, to be borne
from absentia, is to bind yourself to absentia forever. As
I walked amongst these humans, all these animates, so many animates,
so animated in all their inanimates just things to them,
(12:27):
things that complemented other things. Things that housed are the things,
things that made other things, how them things, and I
had once been amongst them, a thing, a bootless now
a man, a dyet oh man. I had to find
(12:51):
those children. I staked out the washer tium posing is
an old junk man, lurking in the shadows, stealing food
where I could find it, watching, waiting, deteriorating. I discovered
another boy lurking nearby, doing the same as I was watching, waiting, skulking.
(13:12):
He was older than the others, fiercer. He reminded me
of my creator. Like me, he rarely engaged with others.
But whereas people avoided me because they could not see me,
they avoided him because they could see him. This boy's
struggle was not one of conquest, it was one of survival.
(13:35):
So I followed him. After a few hours, I noticed
moisture on my face. I looked up, nothing but blue skies.
I touched my face, A salty textured moisture on my fingers.
I blinked. Droplets fell into the palm of my hand.
I was leaking. I dashed to a nearby hardware store
and looked in the front window. Rivulets were pouring from
(13:55):
my eyes. My fluids were draining away. I felt a
tongue at my sleeve. Are you kister? A tiny girl
stood by my side. She was exquisite in her stillness.
Leaves that ball boy alone. The girl Jonica turned and
scowled at an old woman across the street sitting in
(14:19):
a wheelchair. Jonica, please. Jonica's side turned back to me
and smiled. I almost bowed. Whatever it is, sir, it'll pass.
It always does. I've often found that heartbreak is usually
followed by a large helping of joy. She gave my
(14:42):
sleeve another targe and bounded back to her mother. Out
heaved a sound that buckled me. I was crying. I
had to come back. I had to find a way
to stay. I had to be a man forever. And
that little girl, Jonica, what's the king to buy salvation?
(15:08):
That's why Hoodwink wanted Jonica to replace sludge in absentia,
You screech. Professor j D made Hoodwink from his bootlace
when he buried it in absentia. Absentia made sludge from
j D when j D buried himself in absentia. Now
they're all a part of each other. Yes, that's why
(15:30):
how do I can't surrive away from absentia? Sounds possibly insidious?
Did Jenica omit any of these details during her debriefing? Sir,
I'm glad you asked, Captain. It allows me to parlay
always seamlessly into our next lounder articles. We shall return
to Hoodwink's passion Alarm, but first we launch ourselves into
(15:52):
the London article of Benjamin Franklin Kingman co Dame the Rhino,
submitted into the Annimal was on Friday, May thirteenth, nineteen.
You don't listen to me like literally, I think we
need new leadership. Excuse me? I had the malignancy where
(16:16):
I woned it? MoMA, you've watched my mission. You weren't
even supposed to be on a mission, Jonica, We didn't
even know that there was a malignancy. Jonica makes a
good point. Mona, Oh does she? How so? Rabbit, Well,
you're fine voting on everything else. Why haven't we ever
voted on our leadership? A collective murmur ripples? It just
(16:40):
seemed obvious. You're right, Barry, thanks Nick, and never thought
of it that way me neither. I concurd fine, go ahead, vote,
I don't care. I nominate Jonica. I checked it, Diane,
I nominate. Thanks. Nick, all seconded you. You got a
bona fide running of folks. Secret ballance are just a
(17:02):
show up. All in favor of Jonica I. Everyone raised
their hand bona glare to Nick. He winced but kept
his arm aloft. All in favor of Mona I. Mona
was her lone supporter. The vote goes to Jonica. Hooray.
(17:24):
So what do we do first? To we get through
Rhino ready for his incourasion into absentia. I am so pumped.
I call it operation infiltration. Your mission infiltrate cataclysmia, infiltrate
the heart of the matter, infiltrate the malignancy free j
D get him home. Captain I gets started on my
(17:44):
incourasion plan. In PROMPTO, you're going to need a silly rhyme, Benny.
As a matter of fact, we all need to arm
ourselves with a silly rotten isn't not cracked parried? Yes,
they're tragically magical, Benny. What are you got nothing? Oh?
Come on, he got something. I have a word. Let's
hear it. It's Sully. That's the whole point. We're gonna run.
(18:08):
Come on Benny. Guys, if Benny doesn't want to flinthy,
what does it mean, Benny the opposite of wonders? Is
this a wonder? I asked, I don't know. That's why
I made it up. Come on, Champ, if you could
think how Charlie Evans was one punch, you could share
(18:28):
your stupid words. It's Sully not stupid. Speaking of Charlie Evans,
anybody got any news on his condition? The same, I answered.
They took him out of the hospital last night and
he's at home. He said, he's not in any danger.
He just won't wake up. I should go look in
on It wasn't your fault, Benny. I'll go. Benny, you
(18:48):
keep working on your clothing suit and we're going to
need to find you an alibi. What is it that
we're busy in my house? I mean, I'm kidding time.
May I enter and interrupt your secret gathering? Yes you may? Hello,
(19:10):
Mr I was wondering if you all might like a
cool pop fresh from the freezer? Yes you, thank you?
Excuse me? Mr Kingman, Yes, Nicholas. Can Benny stay over
at my place this weekend? We have a group science
project do next week and Benny's the best at nat DearS.
Ain't he? Is that okay with your folks, Nicholas having
(19:33):
us over at your residence. All kids are welcome at
our house, Mr Kingman, Yeah, it's okay with me. Y'all
enjoy those cool pops. You may not return to your
secret deliberations, Nicholas. Thanks? What do you want me to do? Jonica?
(19:56):
The night before his an incursion, Bennie climbed into bedroom
this father and tried to warm his feet on his
dad's thick, hairy legs. Benjamin, come on, boy, I can't
sleep and now I can't What is it? Son? Well?
Mom always ah, yeah, me too? What else? This fift
(20:21):
the fourth Coast Artillery Regiment you're training for? What about it?
Why do you want to protect the country that won't
protect you? Who told you that? I see the way
people are around us. If I hadn't helped during that
hurricane back home, Lieutenant Bowls would never have noticed me, Benjamin.
He would never have recommended me for that detail in Texas,
(20:42):
and we wouldn't never be here in San Francisco. That
is opportunity taken. Boy. I don't exist nowhere else in
this world that hurricane took my mama. Nothing we can
do about that. What I'm doing right now is for you, Benjamin,
and for your children's children. It is an honorable pursuit
to protect. Understand, how do I know one of the
(21:06):
pursuits honorable and not silly. That's a good question. You
set the goal market in time, you work your way back.
If all the steps pass the smell test, and hey,
what does that smell test? Again? Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you. All right, then
(21:27):
you begin and you keep moving forward until you achieve
that goal, no matter what gets in the way. That's
what honorable men do. Benjamin man with character, men whose
word and name means something like Benjamin Franklin. Okay, like
Benjamin Franklin. Yeah good, Now, get out of my bed
(21:47):
with those high sicles you call toes. Then he felt
emboldened by his father's words, ready to drive headfirst into
those socks. But he never made it into suck Mountain.
When he dropped in the absentia from the invisible keyhole,
a wedding of sucklings was waiting for him, searched out
(22:09):
across the mouth of the mountain. Benny now in his
heavy cluckling suit, hit it like a tank on a trampoline,
bounced over the summit, landed on the farst slope, and
began tumbling. As he tumbled, he noticed clucklings waiting for
him below. They were linked together in the shape of
the tanker truck. Its top flung open. Benny landed directly
(22:32):
in the tanker and the lid slam shut. He was
engulfed in darkness. The tanker started to move and Benny
began bouncing off. The worlds just continued for hours until
the tanker came to a halt and Benny slashed into
one final world. The lid swung open again and Benny
was up chucked into the air. He landed in the
(22:53):
center of a circle of clucklings and sucklings. He was
in a dark upper haze cave. A rusty mist hung
in the air. The tallest of the clocklings rolled forward. Welcome,
Benjamin Franklin Killer. We have been waiting for you. Lee.
(23:18):
I'm Canker, first son of the firstborn Clockling Queen mcclanker Tankle.
I'm Benny. Johnathan told me all about you, your clock Yes,
the poor Bye is safe. I see's different, but yeah safe.
(23:38):
You may also know splog Splots bounded into the center
of the circle and gave Benny a hug. Splot. I've
heard about you too, aren't you? Guys supposed to be enemies? Clocklings, exactlings.
It's an artificial animosity created by Simler Jack. We are
(24:01):
in no generation. We are the seam stands are union
of sock and bok. We have pledged to bring down
sludge and unify all the clingers of absential Where Emma,
you are safe in our lad deep in the hollows
(24:25):
of obsensial Sludge is unaware of this place. He's unaware
of many things in his own world. He is especially
unaware that we have been waiting for me. Well me,
what did I do? Your exploits are legendary exploits? What
(24:46):
are those? Exactly? You will lead us to victory? A
victory Wait a second, that's now we have prepared a
soul for are you? Oh? Okay, thank you? It must
be a ful ah. How you how do I do that? Street?
(25:14):
Go start proceed? No your world? Oh how do you
know about my word? Your extra nights? Proceed you right? Exploits? Okay,
stand back ain't disastonished, Terry, he missed me, yester and nine.
(25:38):
He let you let your little lists at disres Jung. Terry,
you missed me yester and nine, let you let your
little sisters. I'm a year head, I said, I see
the play in a black a leg so short. I'm
an arrowhead. I'm a cinematic mechanic. I know, I'm madic
(26:05):
for the anagrammatic, get the systematic intention. This his asenionvention.
My intention? Is he in such a furtion? D I? Ever?
(26:30):
Why right by not flying a mind? My mind to
a bind bread of time? More? I just shine? Is
he is such a reention? My intention? Is he in
(26:52):
such a renous he was missing yet nice Xi and
he it's done. That was the word for my dream.
(27:12):
Excuse me? How is that possible? Sir? Wonders? Whatever sees
Captain which brings us to your next longder, not challenge,
It is thus capture a moment of wonder, Bring it
to me, unspoiled intact? What we're still working on that one?
(27:35):
What do you mean you told us we failed the
helium balloon? You gave him the carrot? What's wrong, sir?
What do you mean? What's wrong, there's nothing wrong. It's okay.
What do you need to tell us, sir? Where your stitchings?
After all, it's my memories children, they're slipping away. I'm
(27:59):
sorry he didn't tell you before. I just what happened, sir,
the malignancy. It infected me during my time and absentia
between endormant and now it has awakened at once whenever
his children. There has to be something, sir, some pills,
some doctor nothing. They call it Alzheimer's children. But the
(28:23):
challenge here know nothing my affiliation with absentia and the alligacy.
One day soon all my memories will slip into the
abyss and vanish, and then no, we don't ever know
what happened to the landrats, and there will be no
one left to protect the world from what is coming.
Protect the world, sir, Wait, what's coming? All in its
(28:44):
own time and proper ordered. Children will be your absential sir. Yes,
what do you mean? Be? Are your memories with us?
And they'll bloom again when we impart them to others.
That's how you say them, sir? Yes, thank you, children,
that would be wonderful. I'm a lost for you. Cheer yes,
(29:12):
go and enjoy your time with your father, stitchlings, it
was more much of precious sister, and he will look
to your mother in the Meanwhile, I will hold this
precious moment of wonder you have given me close to
my heart. It is embolding me. You would sustain me,
(29:32):
and it is satisfied. Your third blunder not challenge. And
when you return, you will continue one ward untilive your
last Londron article has been Unsoon I will pour them
into you as you have requested so bravely. Every yard,
every drop, every words a light. There is no wrong.
(30:00):
There is only the song. Sing it out, let it
be heard. Very You're every drop, every word your turn,
professor in the dark knight, turn your bride light on,
(30:26):
be strong, your never alone and silly bird fevery yard,
every drop, every word, street there right, There is no wrong.
(30:51):
There is all the song chay out that where it
be heard. Worry every drop, every word, joy didn't your
feeling now? I'm not slighter strong, but i'd block to
(31:16):
be along. Be absurd. You are keeper game at home.
Every every drop, every rue, oh out is all right.
(31:39):
There is no there is only song, s it up
y yr, every dry leave looking away ladies, my papa's
(32:05):
past and like to fight my mama's my mom plade
a gone, how the propout and say your vision will
be bad. Every drop, every oh shure there, so sing
(32:37):
it out. Let it be hard a seven day more
(32:59):
there song out Let it be her. Goodnight ln The
(33:29):
Laundronauts a potentially untrue tale based on actual events, Conceived,
written and directed by Colin Mackenzie Mitchell. Original music, sound
design and editing by Dave McKeever. Produced by Monica Michless
and Dave McKeever. Script supervision and editorial assistance by Christina Brian.
(33:49):
Casting by Mary Claire Sweeters. Executive producers John Cameron, Mitchell,
ed Asner and Colin Mackenzie Mitchell, starring in order of appearance,
Isaac Robinson Smith as the Man, Mr. Kingman and Seemster,
Alison Fraser as the Woman and Madam Russia, ed Asner
(34:12):
as the narrator, Kate Prendergast as Sister Auntie and mother
La Fleet, Even Tok as the sister, Max Mitchell as
the brother, Stephen Kieran as Hoodrink, Corey Cougar as j
D Blue Bell Saraceno as Jonica Lily, Resto as Mona,
Trevor Bernardino as Perry, Nirvan Paul as Nick London, Johnson
(34:36):
as Benny, Trent Mills as Kenkle and Seamster, John Cameron
Mitchell as Absentia. The Laundronaut is a collaboration between I
Heart Media and Little Brother Sam Productions. For more podcasts
(34:58):
from my heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Laundronauts
is a production of iHeart Radio.
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