#329 All Goo & Stories From the iHeart Radio Awards w/ Brian Frange

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am
welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. It's Monday,
Tuesday's it is Tuesday. Um, we're recording this Tuesday. I
just have my days mixed up. I am here in

(00:21):
Los Angeles, California, at my um really pretty nice hotel,
UM corner corner. Sweet. I'm being put up by the
iHeartRadio Awards that I got to do last night, and
they got me a nice hotel and it was just
just such a joy to do. And we'll get into
that in just a second. I want to just go
around and then produce everyone who's here. Noah is in Arizona.

(00:42):
You guys know that it's also a city there. And
um Anya is in Coopertino. Yes, Bay Area, Silicon Valley.
Hell yeah baby, you are, Um, you're aware. Like the
the interesting thing about where you are I always find
is that you are on the will you describe it
on you If you look at your iPhone, the logo

(01:05):
of the map is exactly where I am. Yes, that's awesome.
Isn't that cool because that's where Apple is? Yes? Oh wow,
she's exactly on that Like, wait, is it almost exactly that.
That's a little exit though, right, that's like a big
exit ramp on the icon. I think that the icon
used to have like two eighty on it. Maybe it'd
be weird for your parents image. It's also a cool

(01:29):
name for a city, Coopertino. It's such a cute name.
I want to write that down if I had. Yeah. Um,
the guy who taught us about Zizzis and taught us
about Noah Arizona and just likes the name Coupertino. I'm
starting to notice them is my good friend and past
podcast co host of the Not Safe podcast. If you

(01:50):
want to go back and listen to those, they are
still available. Um it's Brian Frangie. Everyone isn't that horrifying?
Are still available? Yeah, I'm dude, we're just taking the
ship down by now. The podcast when Luigi came, oh
my god, yes, oh thanks for bringing that up. I
blocked that out of my memory. Luigi during one it

(02:12):
was me and dancing Germaine in you. I used to
do it as a bit in my act because we
were It was me. It was at our office at
Not Safe. It was a show I had on Comedy Central.
Brian was the worked in our digital department. Dan was
one of our writers Dancing Germaine, and we had a
podcast that Comedy Central gave us to like promote the
show on a different platform, you know. So we would

(02:33):
just go into Brian's office and do this podcast. It
was like my favorite part of the day. And one
time Luigi Luigi was always in the office and he
was on my lap. I had just gotten him, like
a couple months before, and he had a he has
a big penis sheath especially, Yeah, he has a bit.
He has big penis and the sheath like the slit

(02:54):
that it's supposed to go in the lipstick goes in,
it would be too big, and so the penis would
hang out a lot. Yes, it doesn't anymore, but for
some reason, he was very horny back then and he
it was always out. So one time during the show,
Dan was making a big deal or you were making
a big deal of like, oh God, his lip sticks out,
and I was just like, chill out. So to get
it back in, I wanted to scare it back in.

(03:16):
Oh I didn't know that. I thought. No. I took
his paw to like because I didn't want to like
touch around that area. But I thought if you poked
around the area, it would get scared and go back in. Yes, yes,
So I took his paw and like tapped around his
penis and stuff came out. Oh my god, I jerked
my own dog off with his own It was all

(03:40):
over my tits. That um yeah, Luigi came um. Which
people have to do to um breed dogs and stuff
they got or the breed horses. I thought you were
talking about sticking the finger in the butt. Oh, that's
to get a dog off you if it's attacking you. Yeah. Yeah,
that's what I was talking about. That's mean that's to

(04:01):
express its glands. Oh yeah yeah, yeah, you gotta and you.
And now there's they're saying that that's not good anymore
to do. You know, they must change everything. Every couple
of years, you spend more. Now you're me to your dog. Yeah,
now eighteen we could just stick our finger of our
dogs ass and that's when things were great. Yeah yeah,

(04:23):
um wait, No, the anal gland thing is a real
thing on small dogs. They get clogged up. Does your
dog have anal gland issues? No, we never expressed its glands,
but I mean she shakes a lot. Well, that's if
they poop, if they have too um, if they have
their poops are too liquidy. Because poops go, poops get
their glands going. So when poop comes out and it's hard,

(04:45):
it expresses it for them. So if your dog has
too much running poop, it's glands get like filled up,
and that's when you have to go express them. Oh god,
one time my dog is expressed all over, because sometimes
they do it out of fear and they shoot it
out like a skunk. Oh all over. John Early, Oh
my god, I had a show. I had brought Luigi
to a show and John saw me and was like hi,

(05:05):
and he was like, look at the puppy, and Luigi
just was freaked out and expressed all and we didn't
know what happened. At first, you just kind of go
it's clear, like it's invisible, but then generally is like oh,
and I'm like, oh my god, why are you? Like
we were so confused, what was that? Why are you wet?
The smell isn't thet it's like a like a rotten
fish worst smell. John Early is in the bathroom. We

(05:27):
kind of don't know what happened, but I'm kind of
starting to smell something, but it's got all over John,
so it's barely like I can not even smell it
in the room. But I'm like, oh my god, I
think Luigi. And then I go John like through the
door and he's like, yes, he is freaking out because
he has to perform. It was at Um Hot Soup
that show, a Kurt Brownowler's show, and it was upstairs

(05:48):
in this like green room area, and he's in the
bathroom ruined a sweater like it was on a sweater
and he got all this fishy. So, I mean, I'm
sure he still talks. Doesn't come off, No, it does not.
It's that sweater was done. And I told him. I
was like, I'll pay you for it, and he was
very sweet. I think I offered. I can't imagine I didn't,
but I don't think he let me or I just

(06:08):
didn't offer. He's a funny guy to I'm sure his
response would have been funny if you didn't it was
too traumatized. It would be funny. Oh Um, I texted
you saying I was gonna be ten minutes late, and
then you responded, all good, but you've left off the
d so it said, I'll goo. I know I didn't
feel like sending the other D that made me laugh.
I'll go, man, we have new words for coming express

(06:34):
goo y. Yeah, I'm expressed all over my face. Oh
my god, that's so funny to say that your boyfriend expressed.
Just express yourself. Imagine if com smelled as bad as
it dogs, as bad as it looks. I think, God,

(06:57):
some time smell what some times? Um? I mean, I
hope this happens to other people. But if a guy
like comes in you and you leave it there for
a little bit, it does start to smell like fish,
and it's because that's that's yeah. Sorry, Uh, no one
can relate. That's just your pussy nor Yeah, you read

(07:19):
it out? How do you get it out? What do
you mean? I've always been curious about that. I think
it rips out when you pee. Okay, right, don't you
think we can come out and it's exactly the other
way that'll stay in. Yeah, I'm sorry everyone, but it's

(07:42):
just true. After sex, men and women. Oh you must
p People think it's just women, but men need to
pee two sure, P two. Um, it's a P two movement. Yes,
it's um, it's well, men do not get uts as
much as No. No, it's more imperative for women to do.
So that's one. It's like you have to pee like

(08:04):
every single time or else will instantly get a uti.
It's crazy, it's crazy. It's a horrible thing happened playing
with fire in your pants, because it's it really is.
It's no one. No one tells women that that should
be a part of sex education. No one tells women
anything that's a good feel like sex said is parallel parking.
Watch this video of a baby being born. And that's

(08:26):
all you need to know. And no, and so few
people need to First of all, you don't need to
know that you're going to have doctors who can cover that. Yes,
you know. So you get mixed messages constantly. Can I
say of a near horror story that I've had? Okay, so,
any she is now in the in the in the
month before where she has like fake ones because they're

(08:49):
they're making, they're molding the ones that are going to
be put in April fifth, right when you have any years.
You can't bite into an apple anymore. I just can't
use your teeth. You can't use your teeth at all anymore.
And they hurt constantly. It's great, and you really regrets
getting veneers. But she hasn't gotten the final one jet,
and I think she's going to change your tune when

(09:10):
she gets those. But George Washington like, you're borous teeth
that I figured out how to get around that because
they have been looking like wooden teeth, and every night
I just look in the mirror and I'm like, you
have fucking wooden teeth, dude, what is happening? Because they
create these ridges in them to make them look natural,
but then you drink a cup of tea and it

(09:31):
looks like wood. But the other day I was like,
fuck it, I'm using baking soda directly on these teeth
because they're not my teeth. I can't ruin them. And
it worked immediately and they were like bright white, like
not wooden anymore. Oh good. But but the dentist told
me a month ago, do not be afraid to brush
these things. You got to brush your gums. Do not

(09:51):
be timid at all. Brush brush brush because people are
always timid, and then it causes bleeding if you're too
timid around your gums. And if we install the permanent
one while your gums are bleeding, they will turn them pink.
So definitely brush your gums vigorously. I was like, okay,
I've been brushing my teeth like four times a day
after I eat, and I'm in constant pain. And finally,

(10:11):
yesterday it just starts gushing blood and like doesn't stop,
and I'm like, I'm done with this shit. So I
call my dentists. She finally calls me back. Today. We're
talking and I'm like, I've been in constant pain. I'm
doing everything you said. I'm even like rinsing with salt water.
I'm flossing gently. I'm like doing all the right stuff.
And she's like, well, you know, I think you're just

(10:33):
missing a spot and you just really need to brush
very gently. You need to brush. Are you brushing gently?
I'm like you told me to brush favorously. She's like, well,
vigorously and gently. I'm just like I just started crying, Like,
just say I fucked up. Sorry, I'm sorry, you're in pain.
We'll take a look at it. Don't make it like,

(10:53):
well you probably brought this on yourself, bitch. Yeah, it's
so what so did she so? She so she definitely
realized she had said something wrong, and then she tried
to course correct. I said, well, I've been in constant
pain for a month and I'm doing everything you said,
but I have been in almost constant pain for four
weeks and it's just silence. And then she goes, yeah,

(11:16):
I hear you. Okay, Why can't dentists admit that they
were wrong? That happened to me too, right, a dentist
who refused to admit that she did something wrong. She
kept trying to come up with different reasons why it
was my fault. And at the end of the day,
I was like, I did everything you said, and you've
ruined my life. What was going on in your own life?

(11:36):
I've had two teeth removed because of this. Really then
they're gone right now? Oh my god, I'm waiting for
the end to get an implant? Costs like ten thousand
dollars a six thousand plant? What is going on? Why
are teeth so expensive? And that is what you need
to invest in the teeth market? Yes, yes, forget about
a quick comedy. Yes, because that's one thing we have

(11:59):
not math stirred clearly because you got these veneers and
you're like, what what do you wish people would have
told you about veneers before. You can't bite into anything.
You can't they bleed all the time. You don't want
to get rid of your reality. I mean, talk to
me in a month when I have the permanent ones,
and maybe I'll be like, it was so weird that
I love Anyone complain about veneers before is the thing?

(12:20):
You know why? Because no one admits they have them, right,
and this is a this is the thing. It's their
shame about having cosmetic procedures to improve your looks. People
have shame about it. They act like they don't have it,
They don't talk about it. So then everyone's quietly doing
this and only being advised by their doctor who's making
money off of them. And so the only if the
only advice and encouragement you're getting to do it is

(12:42):
from a doctor who is incentivized to encourage you to
do it. What do you you know you gotta we
gotta destigmatize these things. If you get veneers, it's okay, yeah,
admit you. He was like people over the weekend, He's like,
next time, don't do this. You got you can't make
decisions on your own. You got to tell your friends
before you do this. Us. We tell each other everything

(13:03):
on the girls Chat, and I was like, why didn't
you disclose this because one of the girls on the
girls Chat has had veneers and shared not doing this
even though I don't think it's going to be a
mistake and I think you're gonna love them. But I
think you were like you didn't want to be talked
out of it, you said, I think I just yeah,
It's like I go into a weird mode sometimes where
I'm just like it's like on my to do list,

(13:26):
like buy salad, dressing, go to the post office, get veneers.
I'll just handle it. It'll just be a thing I'm doing.
You know, I've done this before with a big decision
in my life, and I regretted that one too, But
like it's like I don't want to be found out.
I don't want to be talked out of it because
I'm scared like Matt or someone's gonna be like you're
spending how much? And also I'm like this is gonna

(13:48):
be great. My dentist said it, I know someone who
has It's so good. That's why people do it. I mean,
they look better than your regular teeth, without question. Do
they function as well not even the apocalypse happens in
your teeth. You have nothing done going for you. You
that should be if you think that, if you are

(14:10):
a prepper, start training to install the ears because you
have a trade. Because I think about this all the time,
and then apocalypse is that I would be dead within
three weeks. No matter how good I am at killing you,
you're you would be a good prepper. What okay? Because
I can't see I have contact lescar Lasic. Dude, I

(14:33):
can't scared of No, No, dude, I did las It's scary.
I'm not gonna do it to you right now. It's certified.
Lasic is okay everyone that's scared of it. I'm that
we do add for them on the show because they
I got Lasic done. I'm not kidding you. If it's
so quick, it is quicker than getting your ear pierced

(14:55):
at Claire's. It is so easy. It's not a big
de little they make do you feel like you know
they want you're spending a lot of money, so they
give you the experience of like this is a procedure,
but they could literally do this at a like. I
even said it to the practitioner. I go you guys
could do this at a mall Kiosk, and she goes,
we could. I mean, we're not going to because but yes,
it's they do millions of procedures. You are hard. It's

(15:17):
hard to find anyone that has a bad experience with it.
You're of course, there are those cherry picked stories where
people have had things, But they do millions of procedures.
I only had one I done, and for a while
it was a little bit like my vision was adjusting.
They said it could take up to twelve weeks, and
it did take I think it's been like about twelve
weeks since and I have I wake up every day

(15:37):
with perfect vision. Yeah, I don't have to bring contacts
on the road with me. I can see up close,
I can see far away. It's like it's a fucking dream.
Afraid of and I'm afraid of, well, I'm afraid of
a lot of things. I'm also afraid to get a
wedding ring. I'm I have fear. I mean, that's just
my m O. I don't understand we're the sadding ring.

(16:00):
Are we both Russian Jews? Because that's the problem. Don't
make this a Russian Jew thing. This is it is true.
We're sensitive people. We're highly sensitive. We're afraid of the worst.
Bad things have happened to us. I gained our history.
I understand. But why are you scared to get a ring?
Because that's like, but you're not scared to get married forever.
So don't tell me you're scared of commitment. No I'm not.

(16:22):
I'm not scared of commit what's the scared of the ring?
I'm scared my finger will get ripped off in a
barn door. Okay, I know it. I know it because
of a guy, a famous author. He was he had
a ring fallon, almost lost his finger to a ring.
A ring. Yeah, it's a common thing. I wear rings
all the time, but people don't. It doesn't happen that often.
I don't want to get ripped off in a barn door,
Oh my god, what if it does? And fears as well,

(16:46):
But these you have to admit the irrational, irrational statistically, Yes, well,
I'm going to get a ring that will detach easily
to a ring. Yeah, us away, you know, then you
have to get it removed, and that's really than divorce. Yes,
getting a tattoo, had a painful ring? Oh yeah, I

(17:08):
couldn't get a ring off for almost a year and
it's still kind of no, it's actually healed around it,
but it was a little bit like it's kind of
made my finger all like weird for a second and small.
But I got I bought a ring remover on an
Amazon and got it off and it was great. It
was felt victorious. But yeah, um, I love rings though,
but yeah you do. Sometimes there's this ring I get
that caught on my nose when I'm washing my face.

(17:31):
I had to point the heart down. I have a
little heart ring on my pinkie we show people on
YouTube watching and when I have the heart facing the
other way, I would be washing and it would get
caught and it ripped my nose like it literally ripped
the nostril to the point where I was like, it
could have ripped my nostril off. I'm not if it
would have snacked and it ripped it so much. There

(17:51):
was blood like a huge mark there and I was
walking around with it and it had it looked like chocolate,
like I just smeared like chocolate on my face. That
would be your first instinct if you saw me. And
I realized, no one tells me the truth about my people.
Just go we assume Nikki has chocolate on her face
because no one pointed out. I'm like, I have a
blood like ripping down my face. I have another story
of blood ripping down my face, and we will talk

(18:12):
about that right after this Beasties before we get back
to the show. I have so many live dates coming up.
I really want you to come see me. Coming up
April fourteenth, that's my next show. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, then Hampton,
New Hampshire at the Hampton Beach Casino. Then I'm in
Tucson where Noah is going to be with us that
night too. April twenty seventh in Tucson, April twenty eighth,

(18:36):
and the twenty ninth in Las Vegas. Those dates are
with David Spade. Get on those dates. If you want
a fun spring trip for you and your friends, plan
coming to Vegas or just go alone the Venetian Theater
David Spade and Me in Las Vegas. That is a
double headliner show for the price of one. It's going
to be insane. I cannot wait. And then internationally, I'm

(18:58):
hitting all of these cities within eleven days of each other. Berlin, Vienna, London, Munich, Amsterdam, Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki,
tel Aviv, Athens, and then in June, I'm back in Sarasota, Florida.
But we'll tell you all about those later at another time.
But I hope to see you guys on the road.
I love when you come out to shows. Thank you
so much for your support. Tell your friends a family,

(19:19):
if you have any people living in those cities. I
love you so much. See you when the Good World Tour. Okay,
So the other night I was going on at the
Improp two nights ago, and I made the mistake. So
I get like zits like I have. Like if you
get zits commonly, they usually come up in the same
poor reinfects and it's always like the same place hormonally.

(19:44):
And for me, there's one like on the corner of
my lip, and it sucks because it looks like a
cold sore. But I get these and I get these
two and they're deep seated and they take literally weeks
to come out be a white head for you to
pop and like weeks and weeks. I've had them now
for four weeks and they just they're kind of like
under the surface. So I can you kind of don't
see them, but I can just feel them all the time.

(20:05):
And then the other day it kind of came up
enough that I was just I was in traffic, don't look,
and I was just like, you know when you just
pick it something because you're nervous and you start picking
at the thing you shouldn't be picking it, Yeah, all
the time. So I'm in traffic and I'm just nerve.
I haven't seen Chris in a while. I'm about to
see Chris. So I'm just like nervous, and I just
like was like, oh, I got a little piece of skin,
and I was like, I know I shouldn't, but let

(20:28):
me just see if it comes off clean. Like what
it lurks inside my brain. That has never happened before.
In the history of me picking at something, nothing has
ever come off clean. It has always been worse underneath nothing.
It's not like a sticker on your face you're trying
to get off. There's a hole and then it bleeds.
So all of a sudden, my mouth. No, I'm in

(20:49):
the back of an Chris has not seen me in
we haven't seen each other. We saw the chi once
for Mark Twain for like a couple of hours, but
we haven't been together for weeks and weeks. I'm about
seeing my boyfriend and my lip is eating. It looks
like I have a cold sore, and so I'm blotting
it with my finger and I took out a band aid,
but I didn't do the sticky part of the bandaid.
I'm just putting the gauze part on, just like trying

(21:10):
to and I'm a block away in traffic from trying
to get it to stop. It's not stopping. And then
I see Chris and I'm like, I picked at a ZiT.
It's not anything else, and he's kind of like, oh,
he like didn't need to know that, And so finally
it stops bleeding and I go I go to a fit.
I had a fitting when I got into sound, so
we had like an hour to hang out and then
I had a fitting and then I go to there
and they're kind of looking at me like, oh, she

(21:31):
has a cold sore. But I didn't even say anything
to them, just like let them think I have a
cold stor I don't care. Everyone does. What's the downside
of having a cold store? Why is that so much
worse than For some reason, It's like when you fart
in bed and you're like, it's a quief. It's like,
it's not as bad as it coming out of your butt.
Like queefs are less embarrassing than they're still embarrassing, less
embarrassing than farts, and a ZiT is less embarrassing than

(21:53):
a cold store even though it's essentially the same fucking thing.
It's just a sore that you didn't help that you
can't help. You're not bad because you have it, because
it's associated with dirtiness, and it's a virus. At least
a z it will. I think that's the thing. It's viral,
so it never goes away, like her sustained it's her,
Well it is her. Yeah, so I think that's why

(22:13):
the stigma. But I love when people are like, I
have a cold sort and they're so nonchalant about it.
I think that's so cool, and I think we need
more of that. Um but I don't get them. Okay,
you guys don't even think that. I'm just kidding. We
need people telling people about their veneers and cold source
and molestations. Yes, yes, like everything needs to be like
all these things are not your fault. You didn't want
to get herpes. You didn't want to get a cold sort.

(22:35):
You didn't want to get molested like I was molested.
You were Yeah. I didn't even realize at the time
I was molested. Wait, hold on a breakd this just
did Brian friend was molested. I didn't know until much
later on in life. See this is what happens. Wait,
tell me what happened. Well, I worked at a deli
and uh, you know it's all That's how it always starts.

(22:57):
I worked at a deli and I was classic war
worked at a deli. Molestation story. I went in very young.
I was as old as Uncle Haled, as old as uncle. Yeah,
I went in. I went in young. Okay, I was
it was illegal. I was twelve years old. Whoa. I
went in young because I wanted to work. I wanted
to get working with fresh meat exactly, and I sliced

(23:19):
the meat. They wouldn't let me slice to me until
I was older. Okay, that's did they let you beat
the mets let me watch? Okay, So I would learn
from that and I would I would stock the bottles
and wash the dishes. And there was my boss. His
name was Dennis, and he was a guy. I actually
found my first porn magazine because of Dennis. He had

(23:39):
a box of porn stashed in his basement, in the
basement of the deli. Wanted you to find it. No,
I don't know, but it was it was Yes, then
he probably sent you down there. That's what they do.
They kind of like present sexual situations to go like
what do you think about this? Well, it's one of
these situations that's like is this molestation or is he
just is this just guys? Guys? I'm gonna go with

(24:01):
the former. He's like a forty five year old owner
of a deli and I'm a twelve year old boy.
First of all, he shouldn't give you a job, and
there's suspicious already that he wants a twelve year old
boy working for him carrying bottles walking around you have
very heavy bottles. And then he would take a twelve
year old frenzy is so adorable to me? Oh my god,
g skinny chubby with round glasses and a mushroom cut.

(24:26):
Oh yeah, and I played the trump into that I
started working out. Okay, yeah, I like he played the trumpet.
I played the trumpet. Oh yeah, do you still know
how to play I play piano instead, you play taps.
I could play taps probably still, But you know, you
gotta work up just like your callous is on guitar,
you gotta work up your lips. Yeah, is that what

(24:48):
it is? Yeah, you're well, that's only in woodwinds. I
think I'm not. I'm not sure, but I know that
that's a woodwind's a trumpet player. And he has a
good arm. Sure, yes, Well he's always complaining about it.
I don't even know what that is, like lip strength
or something. And he's always complaining about like the same thing,
like cold sores or any lip stuff. He can't go

(25:11):
in the sun. He's like, my arm, but sure my lips. Oh,
botox as well, Like when I got a lip flip,
when I got a little like injectable. There's a thing
you can do with botox that makes your lip just
go like whoop and flip up. You can't like sip
on straws. And she's like, do you play any instrument,
like for how long? Like it just sucked dick and
it goes away, like it just changes the shape of

(25:32):
your lip. I just I blow dicks. Um. Yeah, I
had to stop my arm but sure, that would be
so funny to get out of the sucking dick. Because
baby I took up the trumpet. It's my passion. What
you're thirty eight? Showed no interest in this. Okay, so
you're you're carrying bottles, carrying bottles a little boy, a

(25:53):
little boy, and he would take a broom and he
would put it in my butt. No, he would. He
would take a broom and while I was walking and
then go oh, and I would make that noise, and
then he'd look at me and he'd go, take care
brush your hair. Oh, take take care brush your hair.
And yeah, and I didn't really and so he would

(26:13):
do that like almost every day, but just while I'm working.
I'm just working multiple times. To take care brush your
hair was just his little catchphrase after the broom. You
were annoyed by it, obviously because you're carrying these heavy bottles. Yeah,
I was like, but I was like, is this just

(26:34):
a deli life? Is this? Is this just what it's
like to work? Yeah, to be an adult and you know,
to be an adult man like, oh, we're just horsing around.
I guess yes. And then you'd say, take care brush
your hair, and I felt like that was made it
not molestation. But then many years later, I'm in therapy
and I'm saying, you know, this guy did shove a
broom in my butt and they said you were molested,

(26:54):
and I was like, I don't really count it. Yeah,
I mean it's it is. I mean it's the molestation
of like no, molesta means like to disturb, like it
was a sexual disturbance that happened to you. Yes, yes,
violation for sure. Yes, good for you for talking about
it here. I'm so glad it wasn't worse. It didn't
consciously affect me in any way, although it probably subconsciously

(27:17):
affected me. But now I do brush my hair like
twenty four hours a day. Do you say that take
care I take care of definitely. And you only use
a room bup because you cannot have any rooms near noroosan.
Anyone listening has done this to anybody, and you're like
fucking passing it off as like frat boy shit or
whatever you're doing. Just stop doing it, Stop doing it

(27:40):
to children. Stop this shit. It is weird. It is.
It fucks people up. I'm sorry this is making me
so angry, but like so many people do this shit,
and they just pass it off as like locker room
bullshit or just boys being boys. Go get therapy, figure
out why you're bothering children with this shit, and like
deal with their issues. Yes, like this is really fucked

(28:02):
up and it affects people for many, many years. Well,
I will say that there's just nowhere for people to
go to say that they're into these things. And that
is a huge problem with why they keep happening is because,
based on my research, pedophiles have nowhere to turn to
say I'm attracted to kids. I want to stick a
broom up this kid's ass, and I don't know what

(28:24):
to do about it, because if you are to tell
I just started seeing a new therapist yesterday and before
we get started it was the first time I ever
have seen a therapist, And before we get started, she says,
I want you to know everything here is confidential unless
you tell me that you're harming someone, you intend to
harm someone, you intend to harm yourself, or you are
you know, I'm subpoena. And it was like, Okay, that's
good to know, but at the same time, there needs

(28:46):
to be a place. I know I've talked about it before,
but there needs to be a place where people can go,
because if I were to go, you know what I
really have, I want to violate children to like my therapist,
she would have to report me, and she probably would.
And there should be a place for no maps to
go that's non offending minor attracted persons. There's maps, and

(29:10):
there's no maps, and no maps are good people that
just have a fucking thing in their brain where they're
attracted to kids. They cannot help it, but they're non
offending and they want to be non offending, but they
can't get support anywhere because if you admit you're attracted
to kids, you're already kill them, filet them, put them
away forever. They can't help their attracted to kids, just
like you can't help you're attracted to women, or you

(29:31):
can't help you're attracted to men. It's the same thing.
They just got a fucking shit deal. And the ones
that do, and the reason why they end up most
of them end up offending is because they have nowhere
to talk to you about it. And guess who are
the only people that want to hear about them wanting
to fuck kids? Other people that want to fuck kids. Yeah,
and so guess who's not going to deter them from

(29:51):
doing that. Other people who want to fuck kids. So
then they go in these communities on the dark web
and they support each other and they teach each other
how to do it. So unless there's a place for
them to go, it's going to keep happening. I think
that's the route. What a starting. Oh, there's this by
law that you can get twelve year olds working for you,
and if you have a basement room, hide your porn

(30:12):
down there and ask them to go get the milk
bottles and hide the porn right under the milk bottles
and that way, then go down right as they see
the porn and go, hey do you like that? Oh,
I saw my porn. They teach them like little shit
like this that just opens the conversation and like opens
the door. There's so many little things that they all
share on these message boards from the podcast I've listened to.

(30:33):
But essentially, until we allow them to admit that they
are attracted to kids and that that's not their fault
and we accept them for that, and we say, okay, well,
you know, people who have homicidal thoughts and want to
kill people, we give I think we give them help,
and we go, okay, well you want to kill someone, Okay,
let's help you not do that, or yeah, or anything
that you you struggle with, let's help you not do that.

(30:56):
But for them there's nothing. And so but I am
seeing a new therapist and she's sucking dope. I'm seeing
a somatic therapist. Oh yeah, so it's like tapping into
your Yeah, Noah's like fucking finally, Nikki, she's tapping. She
like taps into your It's not a tapping therapist. I
don't need to use that word. But we talked about
it with the trumpet before. But she plays taps. She's

(31:17):
been tapping your clip. Yeah, yeah, that would be yeah.
And I there's nowhere for her to go to talk
about how that's like take care brush your pubic hair.
I go, okay, it does the ass hair account because
there's nothing will in the front. M Is that still
your pubes your ass hair? Yeah? No, yeah, I wouldn't
count it isn't any well, publius region is the front pubis.

(31:41):
It's hair that has to do with puberty. You guys, Oh,
I didn't know that. So you're it's like chess hair
is Peter adults. Um, maybe arm hair, pubs or arm hair.
I think I think so, wait, your pubist is that
area though, you're yeah, that is the Yeah, so I
think pubs have to be down there, so your asshole
is pretty close. That's so funny that there is one

(32:02):
hair that's a pube and right next to it. It's
like you're not on the side man. Yeah, but it's
like it's like, sorry, you're an asshole hair. You live
in Jersey, dar, you're from New York City. You gotta
go through the tunnel. They get to me. The tain
is like what were they called in the Civil War?

(32:23):
The Confederates, the Union and the pubes? What were they
called in the Civil War? It's like, I don't know,
you should know, wouldn't be and the seventeen eighteen hundreds,
Oh yeah, you say pubes back then the devil's lawn.

(32:45):
Some they did not even address it. Talk about not
addressing things back then. I mean, the first time you
had sex was probably like the first time you would
ever heard of sex back in the day, because there's
probably no mention of it at all. Well, the religion,
you know, they would squash that immediately and you wouldn't
be able to talk about it until marriage, and then
you'd be really horny on your wedding day, but you

(33:06):
don't even know what you're horning for, Like you've never
even where's that? Oh um the Warren Jeff's documentary, they
have sex and they're like, I didn't even know this
was a thing. And in the first time they're doing
it was with an eighty year old man and these
are girls like fourteen. Oh okay, So back to my therapist. Five. Wait,
what a semantic mean? Oh yeah, one, semantic means like us,

(33:31):
like your body. It's it's when your body stores trauma, um,
and you use another like physical touch or sound to
get it out. I think, oh, I didn't even know that.
I just thought semantic meant like your body, like feeling things.
So like she's asking a lot of like because I
told her I've tried this before, and I started crying

(33:54):
almost instantly. I did. I was not emotional yesterday at all.
I was like, I don't even really feel like going
to therapy. But and I didn't get she like asked
me to go through my history of like trauma, and
I'm like not even crying, not even like nothing is
coming out, like she's like, thank you for sharing that
with me. I'm like, it literally doesn't mean anything to me.
Like I've shared this million times. I would do it
on a podcast the Whole World. And then she goes, so,

(34:14):
tell me your history was semantic, and I'm like, well,
I went to this one woman. She would always ask me,
like where do I feel that? Like I would talk
about something painful or something happy, and she's like, no, no,
do a body scan. Where are you feeling this? And
I was like, and I could never feel it anywhere.
I would make things up because I knew she wanted
me to give her something like I know that and
I and I was like, and I just I have

(34:35):
friends who are like feel things. So like I was
just thinking about Anya. She's so sensitive. She like will
eat something that's like a little bit spicy and she's like,
I just feel it in my tumue. Like you're you
like have a sensitive you feel everything like you have
you have so many feelings and like and I know that. Kirsten.
She'll eat something like a little bit like m there's

(34:55):
like I think there's tumeric in this and she didn't
like tell It's like I would never know anything. I
have no connection to my body. I think it would
be good for you because it teaches you how to
do that. Yeah, well, I start crying because I'm just
like I just don't feel like a real woman, Like
I just don't feel things. And then that's what made
me start crying. I was like, I just don't. I
just feel like I'm gonna lie to you just to
give you what you want because you don't want me

(35:17):
to feel it somewhere. But I don't feel it anywhere
except in my head, like I don't know. I just
get sad and it's like up here in my brain
where thoughts are taking but I don't know. So we
start going through stuff and she was like trying or
the first session, she's trying to get me to go
like to really painful stuff and then really happy stuff
and just see the difference, like the juxtaposition. And I
gotta be honest, I was kind of making stuff up

(35:38):
because I just I didn't feel it anywhere. I was
just like, I gotta fake it, because you're faking it
is what makes it real. I've done that with orgasms too,
Like I used to fake it before I was having
one because I knew it would help me maybe get
to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, eventually you will feel yeah yeah,
but no, yesterday it really orgasms. It did work for me.

(35:58):
But yesterday with the thing, she was asking me like,
what's what's something you're looking forward to right now? And
I was like, oh, well, I get to see Taylor
Swift tonight, like I get to be in the same
room as her. She was like, Okay, tell me about Taylor.
And I started crying, like talking means to me, and
I thought she was gonna be like, well, you're gay,
is the thing, Like I thought she was gonna say,

(36:19):
like I think you're a closeted because I was just
like she's just like means so much to me and
she's like my best friend. But I don't know what.
I'm just so grateful and I was like crying about
like getting to see her, and she was like, Okay,
where are you feeling this? And I'm like I know
what she wants to hear. I'm opening up. I'm not
feeling like a little bird like when I was talking
about my mom and like my childhood, I'm like this

(36:41):
and now I'm like this and then so I just
gave her that, But did I really feel it. I
don't know, you're a performer. If this is, you're gonna
be her tough, toughest challenge yet. She said, I did
a really good job, and I was like drinned her. God,
So initially when you were talking about your mom, you
were like hunched over, I know with your arms. I
saw that. And that's what she wants me to do,

(37:02):
is just realize the thing's body things I'm doing when
I'm just She's told me, like my assignment this week
is just when I'm getting when I do these extremes,
because she says, most people live in this like this
like little river of you know, bad feelings and good feelings,
and we can kind of like stabilize within that and
it feels really bad and it feels really good but

(37:24):
nothing too much. But often people get thrown off of
that track and it goes really really bad. And I'm
either way down here or way up here and there's
no really in between, and I need to start feeling.
I don't know what's going to happen when I'm able
to target what my body is doing when I'm feeling
those things, but I guess something's gonna cut. Something healing
will come of it. I have no fucking clue. But

(37:44):
so this therapist was really good. What was your favorite
part about it that made you conclude she was good.
She just had good questions. She kept me on track,
she didn't let me go off because I can really
obviously talk a lot. And uh yeah, she just asked
really good questions and then she had really good insights
into um why. She just right away got who I was.

(38:08):
She was like, Okay, you have a you are full
of energy, you are bursting with energy. You are not
because I was telling her, I don't leave any time
for slowness. Like I back, I back to back to back,
schedule everything, because I don't want any time where it's
like I could just do anything right now. I don't
like that. I want everything. I literally will plant. So

(38:30):
I go get coffee, I come back here, and I
have five minutes to set up the thing and then
you get here. Yeah, and like I don't want any
time where I have could be on Instagram and I
like will feel start to feel bad that I'm not
posting a reel or something, you know, like I don't
want any Yes, I'm a shark. Yeah, yeah, sharks can't stop. Yes,
And so it happens. What do you feel? I guess

(38:50):
that's the problem is like what I don't know. I think, well,
because when I do stop, I get really depressed. But
I have too much. When I have any time off
that everyone so desperately wants for me, I fall into like, OK,
really terrible depression. Yes, And so I'm trying to mitigate
for that and try to not to have that happen.
When I feel like I'm not producing or I'm not
creating or I'm not busy equals I'm sad, and I

(39:14):
start to compare myself and I start to just that's
the problem. Yes, if you really truly want to be complete,
then you have to be able to settle down and
not do anything and not get depressed. But who gives
a shit? Just do stuff? Yeah, that's what I say,
because I'm taught, because when I'm doing stuff, I'm depressed too,
because I just become like so tired, and I'm just

(39:35):
like I just and you have something to complain about
that justifies your feelings, as opposed to you're relaxing somewhere
and you have no reason to complain and you're depressed anyway.
Whereas people who work at a grocery store, like I
would love to just take a week off. And you
take a week off, you get depressed and it's like
who you think you are and that makes you feel
worse about yourself. Yes, exactly, Yes, walking even today, like

(39:57):
I was kind of lamenting about something today and I
saw like so many homeless people and schizophrenic people just
like twitching and itching and begging for money with a
blanket over them, and it was just like, yeah, I
felt bad that I was even feeling bad, and um,
but I've been doing this thing that has been so
working lately, and it is I don't know where I
got it from. I'd some you know, some fucking Instagram

(40:19):
reel someone shared it. But what you do is it's
happened for me about five times this week that I've
been doing it. You jerk off your dog, Yeah, and
he's out of come and I got to get a
new dog. Was that funny? I? Yes, I said it,
And then it was I give it like a seven seven.
I think I bet people chuckled listening at home. It

(40:42):
was out of nowhere. I didn't expect a call back
to the jerking off of the dome was I think
it was a good callback. I give it a seven.
That's pretty good. It's really good. A seven's good. Yeah,
I'm not gonna go crazy for it. But I didn't
like it. Um and then I had a little fun
follow up. I mean, I thought that was some good stuff.
That was good podon so clip it. So then, um, okay,

(41:03):
here's the here's the hack. When you get into a
situation where you're like, oh my god, I'm gonna miss
my flight, or like oh these bags are lost, or
like um, oh my God, like we're gonna be late
to this thing, or just some kind of urgent like bad,
bad things happened to me, my life is over, like
this is going horribly. I just go, I'm so lucky.

(41:26):
Things just always work out for me. I'm so lucky.
Literally say it out loud or say it in your head,
and I swear to God it has worked every time. Yeah,
you just say when I get distressed. I did it
this week when I was about to miss a flight.
Another time when I was about I checked bags too
late and it was not it was not looking like
it was. I was, you know, in line doing this

(41:46):
thing of like Jesus Christ, you know, saying that under
my breath, doing my EJ. Glazer thing of like come on,
you know, like talking to no one, but like wanting
someone yes, but also wanting the person next to me
to hear so that they get and they can be
like I know and you're like yeah yeah, And then
hopefully it works its way up and then they start
sensing that the line is getting you know what, Now

(42:07):
I'm gonna do it this faster because of all these grunts.
But can they move a little faster? Sometimes the way
they staple the boarding passes together, or the type they'll
they'll put their palm on it and then press down.
Just go to think like just be fast. But it's
worked every single time I've done it. You've manifested the
luck or you just feel better. No, it's I made

(42:28):
my flight, the bag showed up, the bags got checked
in time, the line suddenly started moving. Like if you
just say and because it's not not true. If you
are a person who's able to even take a flight
or make a phone call, or be able to go
see a doctor, whatever instance, you're you're already in the
top one percent of luckiest people. There are billions of

(42:51):
people who would kill to beat trade places with you
no matter how like, if you're listening to this podcast
right now, your life is better than literally ninety percent
of the world, like world, honestly, your life is and
if all the time, imagine now you're alive. Now, yeah,
you've won the lottery. Absolutely, we're not Like you didn't

(43:13):
get born into the Warren Jeff's cult. You didn't get
born in you know, imagine you got born in the
negative six hundred six, you'd be dead. You'd already be
dead a hundred Yeah, we'd all be dead. Yes, maybe
one of us would be like the elder of the tribe. Yeah. Um,

(43:33):
and you're trying to get veneers. But even today, I
was like going to complain about this more broad problem
in my life of like this thing that's like just
gnawing at me, that's more of like a existential problem.
And I was like, instead of like just dooming and
glooming about this, I'm just gonna say it's all gonna
work out, Like I don't need to handle this thing today.

(43:55):
I'm uncomfortable with this thing that's going on in my
life right now. I want to change. I'm I'm scared
for change, but I'm also wanting it to change, but
I don't need to make a decision today. And I
think that that's what gets on my gets in my
head sometimes is when I'm like, let's say you're unhappy
with your job or the place you're living, or your
relationship or the car you're driving, whatever friendship you have,

(44:18):
and you're like, I have to make a change, and
you know you're not going to decide today. You know
you're not going to, so stop putting the pressure on
yourself to like make a decision today. Yeah, because all
these things I'm always like I need and I know
it's not time to decide yet. And instead I'm just
gonna say I'm so lucky. I'm lucky that I even
get to have this decision everything, and just to say

(44:40):
it randomly, I'm so lucky. Everything always works out for me.
I am a lucky person. And it's like lifts it
and it's just going to take care of itself. Now. Yeah,
I don't have to do I don't have to decide anything,
and I know it will. I said that about money
all the time I go there, there, there, there will
be more money. I say, spend it as much money

(45:00):
as you want, because you'll just make the money. It
doesn't work all the time, You'll just make the money
and then now and so I basically I owe a
lot of money to Chase, Like guy didn't Chase. Yeah,
I named Chase, that friend a lot of money. I
oh my god. I have a similar attitude toward money.

(45:22):
And I think I've never said it out loud, Brian,
but I relate a lot. I've always had an intuitive
approach to money, Like I used to bounce checks all
the time, and then I kind of got my shit
together and like really got it together. And then once
I got signed and I got with a financial advisor,
and like a business manager, I just stopped. Like they
do my taxes, I sign the paper, like they pay

(45:44):
most of my bills. I don't want to think about it.
And I'm so much happier now, you know. But I
do have this weird thing where I just spend intuitively
and intuitively when I'm like, I am not sure I
can afford that, I just don't. I don't balance my
check book now. I'm not that aware of things. I
have like some clarity, but mostly I just rely on

(46:06):
my intuition. And that's probably not that's good. But I
think I'm the money. It just shows up. You don't
spend more money than you can afford intuitively, and when
you do go into crippling, horrific debt, which I've done
many times. Oh god, one hundred thousand dollars on the

(46:26):
credit card. Whoa, it's just what, it's just life. I
don't work, I don't do anything. Yeah, And and then
when I do work it's for I mean, so it's
but then eventually it comes. Eventually it comes, yes, and
then you and then you pay it down and everything's fine.
And you know, there's no debtor's prison to say I
am lucky, and there's no lucky, there's no debtor prison.

(46:51):
You're not going to go into jail for you just
might be on the streets. They might take away everything
you hold dear, and and you might be cripple. You
will never be able to buy a house. You'll never
you want people to afford your next medical procedure. But
you know what the street you might have no teeth,
but now I have a nice pair of shoes. I

(47:13):
up you going. Um. I do think an attitude of like, uh,
some relaxation around money is really helpful for me. Like
I okay, my mom and my dad. My dad is
constantly stressing about money constantly, and my mom is very

(47:33):
relaxed about money. My mom has vastly more money than
my father. My father's always stressed out about it. You know.
They're married, of course, but like they have their own
separate accounts too, really, and one of my parents is
so happy about money, never worries about it, and has
tons of it, and the other is constantly micromanaging everything,
so stressed out, freaked out, And it's just like I'm

(47:55):
more like my mom, you know. And it's funny because
the person who clings to money tends to be more
miserable and lose it. My mom always says, it's energy.
Money is just energy. Um. Yeah, your mom also said
that breast cancer could be healed by rubbing your hands
together and cupping your hands, warming the hands and placing

(48:16):
them upon the breast. She wasn't wrong, Well you didn't know.
But I was about to get a needle biopsy though,
and then because of my mom, I was like, can
we just take another look? And they did another ultras
out and we're like, oh, actually we don't need to
do any needle biopsy. We can just quickly aspirate that cyst.

(48:36):
You're fine, just go home. No surgery, no needle biopsy. Yes, no, yeah.
The money thing. I grew up with my parents vacillating
between spending a lot, like buying an ice skating rink
that you put in your backyard from Hammock or Slimmer
like rich people shit for who for us Hammercker Slimmers

(49:01):
like the sharper image, but for richer people. So like
the cover is always like a trampoline on a lake,
Like there's always like products for really rich like people,
just you know, stuff that you would see at the succession,
you know, houses, a fun stuff like a helicopter you
can buy, or like a m a cryogenic chamber for
your guest room. Like there's just shit like that. And

(49:23):
so my dad bought an ice rink like fun. We
would always do fun stuff. And then there was the
also the word destitute thrown around all the time of
like we are then it would it would vacillate, so
I never knew where. So I I also vacilate between
those two of like I have so much money, and
then I don't look at it, and then I start
going like I have none. Um, but I want to
get back to um. So my lip was bleeding the

(49:46):
other night. I go to my fitting and then I
go to the improv to do a set and I'm
about to walk on stage and it's already like scabbed
over and I'm like, oh good, thank God. And then
as I'm touching it to make sure it's just like
not scapped over, I feel like a piece of skin
and I'm like, well, that's gotta go, and They're like saying,
my credits right, control yourself. I can't. I can't. When

(50:07):
I gotta pick out there, I'm picking Nikki, and so
I was just like, let me just get it because
it'll just like be a little piece of skin. It's
not gonna And then fucking I feel I pull it
and it hurts, and I'm like, I know, I've been
doing this since I was my teens. This is a bleeder.
And I go on stage and I'm going like this

(50:29):
and I go, guys, my lip is bleeding. I was like,
and then I thankfully I have a joke for it
where I'm like, you know, I just you know. I
smiled too, like I was like, isn't it great when
you pick out something? Because everyone relates to it my
whole life. I'm shamed of my face bleeding when I
pick at it too much. Turns out everyone knows what
this is. Like every girl has picked at something too much.

(50:50):
Every guy and every girl has covered it up with
you know, plastered it with um powder to like seal it.
And then you smile a weird way, or you hit
it and it starts bleeding and you don't even know
like everyone, and it's suddenly a relatable thing. So it
honestly was one of the best sets I've had recently
because I was able to start with such a relatable,

(51:10):
honest thing of like the comedian is bleeding. She pointed
it out, she said exactly what we're all thinking, which
is like, what the fuck? So um And then last
night I went to the iHeart Awards and it was
still scabby, so I just put over it, like I
just said, I didn't touch it all night, though I
was because I can't. I couldn't risk bleeding on TV.
We really buried the headline here, He's gonna go to

(51:35):
a break but right now, but we're gonna come back
and we'll get into the I Heeart Awards, which are
last night where Taylor Swift was in attendance as well
as yours truly, Nickie Cleanser. So we'll be back with
the whole I heeart story right after this. All right,
we're back. Um. So I went to the iHeart Radio
Awards last night and the only reason I got to
go is because the director Joe Gallen, who directed The Ross.

(51:59):
This is how things work out in life. Did I
already tell this? No? But this this is how things
work out for me. Um. Joel Gallen directed The Ross,
and when the Ross would air, he would have a
party at his house for everyone that did it to come.
And every single time I was always scared to go
to these parties because it was just famous people there

(52:19):
and also I have to watch myself, which I hate
watching myself with an audience. And it was just like
everything in me was like I don't want to go
to this party. I don't want to do this, Like
I'm scared, like Ian was the other day to go
to the fucking um Mark Twain Prize. But I went
right and in going to it, I got to meet Joel.
I got to be because usually directors of shows you
don't really meet, you mean, maybe once backstage and then

(52:40):
they're out in a van outside the center running the
show from a van, so you don't really see them
and interact with them. But I got to know Joel.
Joel also also um directed Chris Rocks recent special, which
is great. He does like so many live events. He
does them rock and Roll Hall of Fame Award or
you know, a war induction. And because because I have

(53:03):
his number now, I always text him, like, oh my god,
whenever I see something he's done, I always like write
him and let him know. And he does all these
cool music things and which I'm huge music fans, so
I've gotten to ask him about. There was this one
shot of Taylor Swift did She performed at the Rock
and Roll Hall of Fame and they were honoring Carly Simon,
I believe, and she was singing will you Still Love
Me Tomorrow? And they come around, the camera comes around

(53:26):
and she just like shoots this glance at the camera
right at the perfect time and like looks at her
shoulder and like kind of gives it a nod. And
I was obsessed with the shot. I'm like, how did
she plan that to like look at the perfect time
and do the sultry look and because at first she's
singing ahead and you're like, she doesn't even know there's
a camera there, and then she just hits it and
like does a look, And it's one of my favorite
little performance moments. So I wrote to Joel and I

(53:48):
was like, tell me the story behind this shot. Did
you guys rehearse this? Was this her idea? Was it
your idea? Because the SHOT's amazing? And he said, and
he's got to love this because nobody ever asks it
shit like this. Yeah, I think I found that he's
open to answering all my questions about this stuff. And
by the way, no matter how big anyone is, they

(54:09):
still want their work to be celebrated. And certainly people
behind the scenes do not get as much credit for
their work as people in front of the camera. So
I wrote him and I was like, tell me about
this little moment and if you watch the if you
watch her singing this, you guys will know exactly what
I'm talking about it. I think it's within the first
minute and it's around her shoulder on the right side.
And he said, not only did we not rehearse it,

(54:32):
she had no idea what the cameras were. She that
was just a live moment and she just sensed the camera.
He said, I've never worked with anyone who is so
intuitive when it comes to angles and shots, and she
just saught. And if you look at this, I mean,
this is something you would rehearse over and over to
get it right because it's so perfect and it's such
a great little moment, both on his part and hers.

(54:55):
But that was a cool moment. So we just stayed
in touch. And because he has a huge say in this.
I heard Awards two years ago, he was like texted
me and was like, would you want to present at
the I Heeart Awards. I was like yes. He didn't
even know I had a podcast with iHeartRadio like I
Al Radio. No offense to you, guys, you had nothing
to do with I mean, you had to approve it.
But Joe Joel Gallan is the one who submitted me

(55:16):
and thought I would be great, and then I did
it two years ago, and then I did it, and
then he wrote me again this year and he called me.
He was even like, Okay, we can get you on
a flight from Seattle to like after your Eugene show,
you can come in on And he was like checking flights.
I'm like, it's someone else supposed to be doing this,
so he gets me to do this thought, I heeart
fight you up to this? No? Why Joel Gallan? And

(55:36):
this is this is why you have to go to
things and you have to meet people and this is
like part of the schmoozing thing and you have to
be nice and you have Tom. It wasn't anything but
genuine to Joel, but like me, developing a relationship with
him led to this. And you realize so many people
in this business get opportunities because they have prior relationships.
It's all about yeah, like how about you and Adam

(55:58):
ruins everything like how did you get that? Get? Well,
that was a blind packet submission, so like literally didn't
know who submitted the packet. So the opposite of the
story met once I got the interview. Yes, I already
knew Adam, So once I got the interview, it was like,
well I know him, obviously we're gonna hire go he

(56:18):
had he blind submitted a packet. My friend blind submitted
a packet and got this far. We're not gonna not
hire him now, yes, and now we know it's my
friend and he's a white man. Bring him in. Yes, yes, no,
that's that's the way to do twenty sixteen. Yeah, before
we hear you guys were the Devil. Yeah, I feel
um anyway, So I get to go and um, Taylor

(56:42):
Swift is gonna and Joel tells me Taylor Swift is
gonna be in the building. I'm like, is she performing
And he's like, no, she's accepting an award, but she's
going to be there. And I'm like, oh my god.
So and he's like, we'll sit you within you know,
we'll sit you in close range. So I got I
get there last night, the red carpet is like full
of like there's a line to get into the red
carpet and it is like so packed, and I'm doing

(57:04):
my thing of like you're lucky, You're just lucky things
work out for you. Because I'm like, I've got fifteen
minutes before I need to be inside the theater. The
show starts, and this red carpet is backed up with
people no one you would recognize, like Chris and I
Chris Condy, my boyfriend went with me. We were both like,
we don't recognize we don't know any of these people.
I saw Emma from dancing with the stars who I

(57:24):
always see in line when we were at these things.
I saw, I guess Dojakat, which I didn't know it
was her at first because she had like blonde hair.
She did not look like Dojakat to me last night,
and I saw, like some country stars you could just
tell who's famous because they're just dressed nicer. They just
look so cool. And I looked pretty cool last night too,

(57:47):
because I had a great team working on me all day,
so I had an amazing dress, amazing hairmakeup. I looked
important for sure. I stood out because like the effort
went into it. So I get on the carpet, Chris
gets supposed with me for some and then I do
some solo ones and then we get down the line
and there's like all these interviews, so I have to
use the pictures. Then there's all the press doing interviews
like extra and you know TMZ and not associated press,

(58:08):
like you know, all the junkets, and Chris is like,
do you want to do these? And I have a
guy like walking me down the red carpet, but he's
not really like he's like, I don't know how to
do this. I think this is his first day on
the job, and I'm like, you don't how to do
your job. So I Chris starts going up to people
and I see him getting rejected of like do you
want to talk to Nikki Glazer? And they're just like
we're good. Like I see him getting knows because they

(58:29):
don't even know. They don't know whom. It's fine, they
don't know who. There's too many people to know. And
this is a music event, like if you're doing your research,
you're not You're not even expecting Nick Glazer to be here.
So I'm like I can't watch Chris get rejected anymore.
I just need to show myself. So I go up
to this guy at E and I go, Hi, Nikki
Glazer how to show on E? Like do you want

(58:50):
to talk to me? And you could tell he did
not did not want to at all, but like it's me.
He can turn down Chris for me, but he can't
turn down me. So he's just like, how are you
feeling tonight? And it's like looking past me looking for
anyone more famous, any you know. It was just and
then after the interview, I just go Chris, we don't

(59:11):
need to do this because these interviews never even show
up anywhere. I never even see them when I do
do them. So I was like, only when somebody is
particularly rude do they show up. That's the only time
I ever see him. It is like that person was
rude to this reporter, or that reporter was really rude
today they said an awkward thing like the Hugh Grant moment,
or but yes, it's a no win situation, totally true.

(59:32):
Those I don't know where else those are showing up?
Who watches extra? I'm sorry? And the nail salon sometimes
I have to because it's on the screen or whatever.
Yesterday was Deal or No Deal from two thousand and eight.
I was like, my good Mark, I was like riveted
on a on a Deal or No Deal episode yesterday
it was so fun. That shows so fun. Yeah, I
forget how it's so it's not really an interview, but

(59:55):
you're on page six. Yeah you're right under Kravts for
outfits on the red carpet. Oh really, what at the
what's my captain? Because the Daily Mail Captain was hilarious.
It was like Nicky Glazer glitters in gold and displays
her long glowing tan legs. So it's Nicky Glazer wearing

(01:00:16):
a nude embellished dress. Oh all right, I'll take it.
For some people. Page six is the pinnacle of fame.
I mean under Lenny Kravitz too. That's not bad. My
placement was pretty good Daily Mail. You had to scroll
so hard you get carpal tunnel to get down to
where my photo was. Poread. I mean it was so
long down like I'm literally like the fortieth person down.

(01:00:38):
I'm right like a teen mom is right before me.
I think from MTB's team, mom Um, But uh yeah,
Letny Kravitz host it. So that's a good placement on
page six. Thank you. Page six, So I get through,
We go inside, and we walked on this gauntlet. So
after the red carpet, there's a gauntlet of fans, like
I'm not kidding you, a tenth of a mile, like

(01:00:59):
a pretty long gauntlet of like on both sides, no
one said anything to me. I got through. Chris was
about to film, and I go, don't film this. This
is so embarrassing, and I look important, Like, my god,
it looks like clearly someone should take a picture of
this lady. She looks like she's coming through with like
a team. No one cared, and so I started going,

(01:01:19):
I'm Nicky Glazer. I'm and then they start going nicky Nikky.
So I have to do that for myself, and I'm like,
I'm a funny comedian you might recognize and then they
start recognizing me. But they didn't. I just don't think
people contextually were thinking I would be there. Adam music
that you need to hire a town crier. You need to,
like in medieval times, you need someone to come out
with the trumpet, maybe on your dad, yeah, oh yeah,

(01:01:44):
and blow the trumpet and then this is ni. Here
comes Nicky Glazer. She's a funny comedian. When they do
on the red carpet, generally they have a person come
out and go it's Nicky Glazer. She has a new
show coming out on e she has a podcast, and
then everyone starts. So I didn't have that yesterday. They
had a little click. They had a whiteboard, so the
photographers knew who I was and said Nicky Glazer presenter,
and so they knew, but all the fans had no

(01:02:06):
idea until I started telling them, and then they're freaking out.
I do the same thing when TMZ vans drive by.
I always on the street. I'm always like, I'm Niggay Glazer,
I'm a host of fon. You saw someone famous today?
And then they take pictures but they don't really know
who I am. Yes, people, I lie, you do what
do you say? I say, like, I produce burn Notice
or something, and then the guy the tour guide gets

(01:02:26):
to say, oh, there is a producer, Yeah that is
I'm like eating a corned beef sandwich and I said,
I produced bird Notice. I used to say, um, I'm
friends with Amy Schumer before I was famous, That's what
I would say, and people literally would take pictures of me.
But um so now, so I go into the thing

(01:02:48):
and I were early and it's filling up slowly, and
I'm just waiting for Taylor to come in. I don't
have to wonder when Taylor is in the room, you
know why, because people start shrieking their fucking faces off.
So I hear shrieking and I know exactly that Taylor's
in the room, and she comes in and um, she

(01:03:09):
is wearing I don't know if you guys saw it,
She's wearing like a hooded, sparkly amazing outfit. It harkens
back to not only reputation era, which is maybe we're
getting a hint that the new her new Tailor's version
is going to be reputation. I think this is more
of a reference to her Bejeweled video, in which she's
wearing a sparkly bejeweled hood. It almost is the identical

(01:03:30):
to the video. So I don't think this is a
reputation thing. Any Swift he's listening. I saw it. I
thought it looked like I thought it was awesome looking
reminded me of Cha chain mail. Yes, and I was like,
all right, she's going for battle. Oh yes, well that
was a reputation era. She was ready for battle. That
was after Kanye stuff, and so that was like so
she and maybe it was in reference step, but she
looked fucking cool as fuck. It was one of my

(01:03:52):
favorite looks of her ever. So she walks in, she
is five rows in front of me, um, which is yeah,
rying as soon as she walks in, even though I
have been this close to her before. I was close
to her on the rooftop for the nineteen eighty nine
premiere that Chris got me into and we both made
eye contact and I go, it's cold, and she goes,
it is and so we had a moment. So there,
I was close to her in that moment. I met

(01:04:13):
her backstage at the Red Tour. That was before I
was a swifty, So I've been closer before, but this
has been you know, my fandom has gone up so
much more even since the nineteen eighty nine moment on
the rooftop. That being this close to her now is
as if I'm inside her compared to those moments, like,
it's so much closer than even hugging her. I hugged
her at the Red Tour. I took a picture I

(01:04:34):
talked on many years ago. Was that that was twenty thirteen, Okay,
so over ten years ago. Yeah, And it was before
I was a swifty. I was just like, this girl
is so amazing. But I didn't know. I didn't know
where it would take me. I became a swifty when
Blank Space came out. That was the moment it hit
me and I go, my life has forever changed. I
will never not be obsessed with this woman and in
love with her. And so she so last night, I'm

(01:04:54):
a little I get tier eyed when she walks in
because she's just right there and I just know she's
like taking a break from her tour. Right now, she
is exhausted. She is doing this for us, She's doing this.
She's just given so much, and I'm just And then
I start getting really territorial because first of all, she
has a huge team. The show hasn't started yet, she
has a huge team around her. First, we watched a
Pink performance because it was a pre tape. It was

(01:05:15):
the opening performance, but they've to clear the stage, so
the only thing they pre taped was the Pink performance
and then that air five minutes later, so they taped that.
She wasn't in the room. Then she gets brought in
the room. Then we're kind of waiting and people surround her,
and thank god, because people are trying to come up
to her. People are freaking I mean, everyone's freaking out.
Everyone's a goddamn swifty And and then Flava Flave, by

(01:05:40):
the way, is right next to me. He seated like
three rows ahead of me, and he's on the right side.
So there's an aisle. I'm right on the aisle. Taylor
Swift is in front of me five rows. Flavor Flav
is to the right across the aisle, but closer to Taylor,
probably two rows ahead, and I see Flavor Flav get
up and start walking to Taylor Swift and I just
go you stay away from because I know Flavor Flav.

(01:06:02):
I mean Flavor Flav. Everyone loves Flavor Flav, no question
about it. He's just a kind person. I used to
watch Flavor of Love. I love him of that show.
He's just and he's so cute and he's like dressed
with his clock and um and Chris was like, why
is here him? I was like, he was getting a
lifetime achieve an award from Time from the clock appreciative

(01:06:22):
of the concept of time is honoring him tonight. So
he walks over and I'm like, and I'm saying this
to everyone who approaches you, get away from her. Don't
sap her energy, because she's gonna have She's gonna be
nice because she's a nice person. So she's not gonna
be a diva to anyone. She has to have diva's
around her protecting her. But he found an in and Flavor.
If you look, there's Getty images. There's so many images

(01:06:44):
of her and Flavor Flavor. It's like the funniest thing.
And they're taking a selfie together and people are making
front of Taylor for taking They saying it's such a
millennial thing and not a gen Z thing to take
a pick selfie and to take it with the upper volume.
Do you do you know that takes a picture? I like,
if we were to take a sey of course, Okay,
so it's the upper volume instead of pressing on the

(01:07:04):
thing itself, you just go like this and that's millennial
and it takes a photo. Gen Z's making fun of it. Yeah,
they're making like, look how she takes a photo. I'm like,
that's the smart way. How does gen Z do it?
Like this? No face of it itself. It's so much harder.
So yeah, so here's this took so long for them

(01:07:24):
to figure out how to do though, because at first
he comes over, she's got to give Flavor Flav the respect. Yeah,
and she's like, oh, I'm sure. She's like, but I
have to say this was all because he breached her
security line and just no, it's gonna well because it's
just it's on security line. It was just like her, like,
it's not actually security, it's just people. It's like her,
like publicists and stuff. So he just comes up because

(01:07:45):
he's Flavor Flav like no one's gonna be like, get
out of your flavor, Flavor, you're famous. He blinds them.
They start like just a burn hole through their head
burn notice. And so he gets it, and she's of
course going to be nice. But that was not like
a planned thing. That was flavor flav just inserting himself,
not understanding. I don't think he understands how off limits

(01:08:06):
this woman shouldn't be like the Bachelor. If you want
time with the Bachelor, you gotta be like yeah. And
then they took me backstage to go. So he gets
that picture and she's obviously so nice. Then she gets
her award and she dives the best speech. She talks
about how everyone sees how often she wins, and it's
like all you see or her successes, but she's failed
so many times. And she was like, thousands and thousands

(01:08:29):
of times, I have done the wrong thing, I've written
the wrong song, I've I've failed and you don't see that,
but that is what happens, so please, she goes, I
hate failing. I'm never gonna be comfortable with it. It's
embarrassing to fail, but I give myself permission to fail.
And I thought that was a really nice thing for
her to say, and she said, especially I want to
say this, especially to young people. And I'm like, no,
I need to hear this, bitch. I so needed it.

(01:08:52):
So her speech was just so sweet and she's just
this is why I love her, because she's she's she's
just like you guys, oh my god, thank you. Like
she's honestly still like like shocked that people are like God.
She goes, thank you for the clapping, Oh my god,
that's so nice. Like she's still like she's also thank
you for putting that video together. Yeah, thank you for

(01:09:14):
putting the video together. That video all those people because
there was like this montage video people talking about how
great she has all these celebrities and she's like, I
can't believe that video. And it's like, Taylor, yes, you like,
but she really doesn't. She's still humble enough, or maybe
she's pretending to be, but I don't think it's pretend
because a lot of Swifties have compiled videos of her
from childhood videos that have been released, and she was

(01:09:34):
always a grateful little girl. She's always like thank you,
thank Like even when she was three, she was thanking
people and saying please and thank you. And that's why
I like Taylors because she has like normal parents that
don't look like botox to death. They don't look like
fame pushing parents. They're just like good people. And so
I get brought back during the fourth act, and my
part is in the seventh act, so they bring me

(01:09:55):
back early to go get touch ups and go over
the prompter and figure it out. And and I'm struggling
with my joke because it's kind of like lame because
I tried to do other jokes. So I'm presenting the
best new artists to perform, and I wanted to do
like in my tone of voice, which was like the
best new artist. Think about it, think about how I go.

(01:10:15):
No matter who you love, I said something I wanted
to do a bit to the effect of your favorite
artist was once the best new artist, or like was
a new artist. Everyone you know and love and think
they've been around forever has once been a new artist.
Because it's almost my point about when people go who's
this girl? When I show up on something, they're like,
who is this? And you just go, did you know

(01:10:37):
who Tom Hanks was? Forever? There's a point where you
figure out who everyone's new at some point, like you
gotta you gotta meet me at some point and then
you'll like me. But when you were born, the doctor
was like, who the hell, I don't know this at all?
Why would they cast her in my Yeah, people just
are confused. So my point was going to be like

(01:10:58):
at one I wrote this, that was like there was
even a one point when someone was like who is
this and they're like it's this hot new guy Beethoven
And they're like, this is sick box. Doesn't stand a chance,
Like there was a there was a time when Beethoven
was the hot new kid on the scene. Yeah, and
k too. Yeah was he he's a child prodigy? Oh yeah,
that makes sense. Um, And then there was another run

(01:11:22):
I had about um, oh, I was gonna say even
Taylor Swift was a new artist at one point. There
was a point when someone was like, oh no, I
was gonna say scratch that. I said Taylor Swift. So
my thing was gonna be you know, I'm presenting for
best new art I'm presenting these best new artists, and
every artist you know and love has once been a
new artist. There was a time where someone was like,
who is this she's really good. Taylor Shift, Oh my god,

(01:11:46):
Taylor Shift is great. I'm a shifty and I was
gonna like have that be a joke, but they were like,
we don't want that. And then another joke guy wrote
was gonna be like, you know, there's nothing like the
first time you hear your new favorite song and you go,
who is this? She's amazing and they go, that's Rob
Snyder's daughter, the girl that sings exes and oh's they

(01:12:08):
want me? You know jasiders real yesh, my god. So
they vetoed those. So I ended up doing I ended
up doing a more generic like thing of um, you know,
you just I heeart always has the greatest new music,
whether you're looking for something to listen to at the gym,
or you're need something to cry to, or you're just

(01:12:29):
crying at the gym, not because you're sad, because you're
trying to get the free weights to yourself. No one
knows what to do with a sobbing woman doing him
thrust to Anti Hero or something like that. So, um,
I ended up doing that. But I go backstage and
on the way back stage because I have a little time,
my handler is like Taylor Swift's over here. Do you
want do you want to try to meet her? And
I go, no, I'm not I'm not flavor flaving. I

(01:12:50):
don't want to bug her. I'm not in I'm not
in this to bug I'm I want to leave her alone.
I don't want her to know. I don't need her
to lay focus on me. And so I passed up
the opportunity to find her. I didn't want to do it.
It wasn't the right time. I just didn't feel right.
And then I go backstage. I do my thing. Kelly
Clarkson comes off stage. Her and Pink performed together. I
missed that performance because I'm backstage. But they come off

(01:13:12):
and Kelly like kind of I go, great job, and
Kelly's like, oh my god, hi, and she gives me
a hug, which is really nice because she doesn't have
to recognize me, even though I've been on her show
three times, but like, still, I wouldn't expect her to
remember me, and she was like, I never see you
in this context. Oh my god. Hello. She was so nice,
and I heard her backstage say to Pink after they
go off stage. I never get nervous singing, except if

(01:13:33):
i'm singing with you, which I thought was kind of
a cool little backstage moment of like she really reveres
Pink's voice. Yeah, yeah, I thought that was cool. And
so then I do my thing and I have to
walk upstairs, and I have the pointiest shoes I've ever had.
They look like elf shoes. Let me just show you
with them. They're the longest shoes I've ever worn in

(01:13:56):
my life, and they're pretty interesting. Look at they have
a spring that rats around your own leg. Okay, this
is so funny the shoe and pay off of a person.
It's very long, but look at how much more war
it's coming. My foot ends there and it's coming off that.
And I have to walk upstairs. This is a classic
tripping shoe, like where you know when you have slightly
bigger shoes and you start hitting the stair and you trip.

(01:14:17):
So I have to walk up stairs, Briar. This is
like a little joker shoe. Back in medieval times, the
length Corchester. Sorry, the length of this thing was like
a It was like a man would wear them. It
was a fashion statement for men. And the longer you're
the big shoe. Yeah, basically kind of Oh wow, So

(01:14:41):
I'm walking upstairs, I'm like, oh my god. So I
practice it and it goes fine. And I have to
say every single time I presented an award recently or
done like any kind of prompt or reading an award show,
which has been several times recently, I flubbed a line
and I don't really care because no one cares. But
it's like, you're just nerves, you flubb line. And I
had a lot of copy to get through it to

(01:15:02):
be like and infinitely brings you the best new artist
who helps you discover and I heard helps you discover
your next favorite artist that is infinitely you, infinitely you,
and like all these and then I had to say
a four artist names and present them and I didn't
fuck up a single line. I nailed it. And I
got the note right before from Joel Gallen. Someone Joel
told someone, the director told someone to tell me, hey.

(01:15:24):
And the guy that was working with me, by the way,
was the same guy that came out on stage when
they presented the wrong Best Picture nomination of the Oscars.
He was the one that came out on stage and
was like, no, no, no, no no no, it was not
La La Land. And so he that guy was famous.
I didn't find out till after. Chris was like, you
know the guy that was your stage manager, he's the

(01:15:44):
guy that was the Oscars And I was like, ah,
he's famous. And he was really nice and was a
fan of mine and we were talking about Saint Louis
and stuff. But anyway, Joel had one of the writers
come up to me and go, hey, can you go fast?
And I was like, that's the that's the name of
the game, Like, are you kid me? And I was like,
I am good. And that's why I didn't try to
fight for my the line. I wanted to say, I'm

(01:16:05):
a team player at these things. I want I'm serving Joel,
who is the director. I want to give him a
smooth show. And so I zipped through it. I nailed it.
And then after the show, Chris and I went to
go get pizza and we're sitting at the restaurant and
he gets a text from UM like the another one
of the UM big like number two in line I

(01:16:28):
think right underneath Joel and he said Nikki must be
gunning to host this thing. Because I was in the
control room and the execs at Fox go, that's the
energy we want brought to this that I was like, yes,
all right, it's good, it's good to fight. Yes, but Kravitz,

(01:16:50):
I mean, I'm no Lenny Kravitz, but I do think
I am a really good host. And it was like
it was a nice reminder to not do because Chris
last night, when I final thought, was helping me with
my line, because I was working with writers and texting
with them about what I was going to say to present,
and Chris was like, you can do this generic one
or do you think do you think Schumer would do

(01:17:11):
the generic one? Do you think Tina Fey or Sarah
Silverman would do the generic one? Or would they try
to fight for what they want to do? And I
was like, I do believe they would fight for it,
but I don't think this is the place to do that.
Like I think there's a time and a place to
fight for originality and to be yourself, but like, I
think it's better for me to work with what I'm

(01:17:31):
they're giving me and make that my own, as opposed
to trying to buck the system and inject something that
is not what is already approved by this sponsored event.
And then I heard Taylor Swift speech of saying, you know,
I she gave. So she got two awards last night,
and she one of her speeches was also about it
was also inspiring, was saying about Anti here at one

(01:17:54):
for Best Song, and she said, we really didn't think
this was going to be the single because this song
isn't like a classic single song. It's not I didn't
think it was like, you know, catchy enough, not simple enough.
It wasn't all of these things that a single needs
to be. And so when I said it was going
to be the single, I knew people are going to
be disappointed. And she said, but I have never like

(01:18:16):
the for it. Yeah, she won Best Song for it,
so it obviously did work. But she said she said
something to the effect of when I've played it safe,
it hasn't worked out for me. When I give people
what they want, and when it doesn't work out, it's
doing the thing that I want to do and trusting
my intuition and trying to be different. Everyone's telling you

(01:18:38):
to be like other people, but the thing that's really
going to set you apart and make you successful is
doing what is uniquely you. And so then I heard that,
and I'm like, well, I should have done my own line.
So I was getting mixed messages, which you always get
and which is always kind of my final thought on
the show, which is like I get told one thing
and then I get told another. But I think I did.
I did a perfect mix of like falling in line

(01:18:59):
when you have to, but also injecting yourself into it
and making the most of a moment when you find
yourself back to do a corner where you're not going
to get to be yourself, and being a team player
and knowing the job. My job was not to go
in and be Nicki Glazer and be memorable. It was
to present a little award, keep things tight. I'm a
I'm a professional presenter. I'm a professional host. Most of

(01:19:19):
these people presenting awards are like musicians who are still
trying to be kind of cool. They don't know how
to read a prompter. My role was to keep the
show moving and that's what I did, and I hope
I get to do it again. I probably will because
of that. So nice. You had a choice to make,
I mean you could you chose. The one choice was
do I want to do what the producers and the

(01:19:40):
creators of this show would want, or do I want
to make like a few more fans. Basically, yes, they're
both are equal choices. Yes, and I've I've done the
other thing before. And I have to say when I
try to oftentimes trying to be I mean, Chris even
said it, I would I would have trying been trying
to be Amy Schumer er Tina Fey in that moment,

(01:20:01):
because it isn't like me to go like I'm just
gonna fucking do what I want, like I would have
been imitating someone else even to be different. So also,
your joke and your delivery is yours, so it is
essentially used. I was able to make it me because
at first the joke was like or you're just crying
at the gym, and then it's over, and Chris was like,
it's kind of like a crying woman joke, like we've

(01:20:23):
heard it. It's just like women cry. It's just like,
I don't know. And then when Jocelyn Hughes, a writer,
changed it and she was like, I'm not sad, it
was just because I want to use the free weights
alone or whatever, that made it like that took it
out of that realm of like, oh, sad woman, crying
women cry all the time at the gym and made
it way funnier. So shout out to Connor mcspladden. Connor mcspadden,

(01:20:45):
it's Bladden and uh Jocelyn Hughes, who are the writers
on that and that wrote that joke with me and
what else? So yeah, and I was exciting. What a
great night, Nikki and you are a knockout. Oh thank you?
It was my clam team did an amazing job. Shout
out to Karna, shout out to Christina, shout out to

(01:21:05):
Danny and Emma. But um they Yeah, it was really
fun getting ready for it. But the best part was
in California. When you shoot these shows, it's over and
then it's still light outside. It started at five o'clock,
it ended at eight, and we or seven. It ended
at seven. It was a two hour show. Chris and
I were like, it's it's still light out and we
had a whole night at Itzza time and we what

(01:21:28):
did you say, pizza time? What was in the pizza?
What's happen? I went to cross Roads, which is a
vegan place. We tried to go to Lucifer's, but we
walked in there was like heavy metal music playing and
the sign said no bathrooms. And I was like, we're leaving,
So I called another uber and we went to Crossroads,
which is a vegan place. We saw um Billy Corgan.

(01:21:49):
He's a fantas of vegan. It was bumping up in
that place. We sat at the bar, which I love
sitting at the bar in a restaurant because Chris does
not like to sit on the same side of the
table as me when we're dining together. And I like city.
I like being like cuddly and like, oh what are
you eating, and like being a couple. But at the bar,
you're forced to sit next to me and we ate, Um,
a pep you know, a pepperoni pizza which is so delicious,

(01:22:12):
and I got some. Yeah, it was just really delicious food.
And then we went home and we watched Love Is
Blind the new season, which is fantastic. Oh my god. Yeah,
do you watch last one? Yes? You should watch this
new season. You guys. We got to talk about it
because some best season will upstate. On The Bachelor, it's over.
If you want to know what happened, Okay, do you

(01:22:35):
I mean sure? He picked the girl. He picked the
girl I said he was going to pick. He picked Yeah, Katie,
classic of course, speaking of um Bachelor. Sitting next to
me at the iHeart Awards last night was this girl
and she was like, I'm a huge fan. I know
Bill Dixon, I know Elon, which are two Bachelor guys,
but they're my um guys from um hold on one second, Um,

(01:22:59):
they're guys from Fboey Island. They also created that. So
I saw last night Kalin from the Bachelor Colton season,
who is now engaged to Dean and they met on
Bachelor Patodise. Do you know who that is? Oh? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
she'd been together a long time. They live in a van.

(01:23:19):
She is a durable they're not living in Vegas, but
she is so sweet and um she looked like Reese
Witherspoon and they're now engaged and um, she was really nice.
And I just want to say. There is a clip
of me though, applauding Taylor Swift at the awards when
she got her award, and Chris was laughing so hard
because I could not. I was trying to behave myself

(01:23:41):
in every other way. I can't squash my inner Swift. Ye,
I was because Phoebe Bridgers was also there, who was
like one of my favorite musicians ever and she's presenting
to Taylor and I couldn't help but go like what
love screaming like a person. I know they did. And
I is writing to me saying, thank you for representing

(01:24:04):
the level of enthusiasm that our girl, our blondie deserved,
because you brought it. You weren't too cool, you were
like jumping up and down, So thank you for that acknowledgment.
And of course I brought that. And I will not
disturb our girl. I will keep her safe. I just
kept Chris out of video of me just going like
you strom her. I would just see people like lurking

(01:24:26):
towards her and a good wherever she needs to be protected.
I want to be like on her security team. And
I will not talk to you, Taylor. I just want
to protect you. Um. Anyways, a great night, and that's
and Brian, thank you for coming by. Um, we'll see
you tomorrow on the podcast too. You'll come by. Oh
yeah that's tomorrow. Yeah, what time we'll see Okay, hopefully

(01:24:50):
I don't sound craggily with my fucking voice. Oh. One
last thing I got asked to go. I just got
to ask my producer from my reality show now producing
a reality show with Paris Hilton, and she's like, Hey,
we're shopping today, do you want to be on the
show and come buy Sacks and like hang out with Taylor?
And I don't Paris you'll like it? Or yeah, sorry

(01:25:11):
Paris or Taylor Paris equally as impressive. I don't feel
like it is. That is this me being Ian right
now and scared? Yes, what are you going to do? Instead? Rest?
I'm cold? I have to switch hotels. I have to
then I have to look by what you just said

(01:25:33):
goes against everything you've been saying for the last hour.
So I gotta go. I gotta do it. And how
long is it going to be? Anyway? So lucky I
am still looking all works out. So maybe if I
don't go, I'm still lucky and it will all work
out because I kind of just want a little break
today and I don't feel like going to I don't
know how to dress for shopping at Sacks. It's gonna

(01:25:54):
be tough or with And I'm telling you, being on
camera with Paris Hilton is not fun. You look, you
just look real rough because next to her, you're like,
she's like pristine and she's heading on makeup said if
they said you can have her glam team, just come,
we'll help you get ready, it'll be no. And then
I don't want to get ready because that takes too long,
so they can't get me either way, but I do.

(01:26:16):
I think I might do it. We'll see. We'll find
out tomorrow on the show if I do it. And
I know you're like, I can't believe you're turning down
and are so funny together on cooking with Paris. I
think it's going to be great. Okay, maybe I should
do feel the moment it's done. Whoa, that's goods of
successful people. That's why I will feel think about hired

(01:26:38):
and like I might have just given Taylor or Paris COVID.
I don't have covid. I got tested, but I do
have something crackland in my throat. All right, guys, we
gotta go. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We'll
see you tomorrow on the show. Don't be cooked? And
did you just go film that scene with Paris? Come on,
what do you? What do you? What are you been doing?
Stead sleep? Yeah? Probably, Well that's a good thing to

(01:27:00):
so either way, it's gonna work out for you. You're
very lucky. H

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